The Scathing Atheist - 458: Everlasting Gobble Stopper Edition

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

In this week’s episode, there are worst times to be an atheist but not by much, Heath will declare the best Thanksgiving food by fiat, and we’ll watch a cartoon about people dying en masse of starvation. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Humanist International releases tenth annual Freedom of Thought Report: https://fot.humanists.international/ Even Non-Catholic Hospitals in the South Have Unwritten Abortion Restrictions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/20/even-non-catholic-hospitals-in-the-south-have-unwritten-abortion-restrictions/ Kat Kerr says god is moving her into a mansion so she can “infiltrate” the wealthy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/17/prophetess-gods-moving-me-into-a-mansion-so-i-can-infiltrate-the-wealthy/ Oklahoma Church Boots Woman for Bringing Marijuana to Jailed Sister...It Was Cilantro: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/17/ok-church-boots-woman-for-bringing-marijuana-to-jailed-sister-it-was-cilantro/ NC Lt. Governor says straight relationships are superior to gay relationships: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/22/nc-lt-governor-god-says-straight-relationships-are-superior-to-gay-ones/ https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/mark-robinson-says-straight-relationships-are-superior-because-homosexuality-serves-no-purpose/

Warning, by the time I finish this sentence, this podcast will already have started using words like fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Movement Watches and by Fuck You's Giving, the new family holiday where we just drop the pretenses and get it out of the way. Fuck You's Giving, because Aunt Kathy is just a shitty person. And now, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's November 25th. And if anyone at your Thanksgiving dinner defends Kyle Rittenhouse, it's legal for you to murder them. That's the law, two votes.

That's officially the law. Very threatening when they do that. Yeah, I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I'm going to add one more vote. And from Bill O'Reilly's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, there are worse times to be an atheist, but not by much. The best Thanksgiving food is stuffing, and the rest of you are absolutely wrong. And we'll watch a cartoon about people dying en masse from starvation. But first, the diatribe. I hope it's about stuff. What a person hates tells you a lot about what they fear. Just a thought that may or may not help you as you try to recover from your Thanksgiving dinner. See, the last time I had a big religious argument was at Thanksgiving, and it's the reason I don't do that shit anymore.

Big religious arguments, I still do Thanksgiving. So I got baited into it by an in-law that coaxed me in with the promise of a rational discussion. He was just curious what I believed and had some questions about it. He didn't want to fight about anything. He just wanted to understand what the atheist position was. Or at least that was his cover story. And I was too new to vocal atheism to know any better. So I took his sucker's bet and I started answering his questions.

Of course, they weren't really questions so much as argument prompts. He had some little gotcha flowchart in his head that was supposed to lead me to Jesus, but he knew that if he said, I want to convince you to join my religion, I wouldn't have played along. But this was about 12 years ago, so it's kind of the height of the four horsemen counter-apologetics. I was way more prepared for the conversation than he was expecting. So not only did I have answers to all his silly-ass questions, but I knew where he was trying to go with them, and I was able to deflate a lot of his follow-ups before he even got around to following up. Now, keep in mind, of course, this is all playing out in a house full of people. It starts off as a one-on-one conversation, but it's not just me and my brother-in-law in isolation. So pretty soon other people start insinuating themselves into the conversation.

And instead of answering a few questions about the atheist position, I'm in a six-against-one argument about whether Grandma Lawrence is in heaven. What's more, I'm kind of new to this shit, so i don't know any better than to keep winning so like a 45 year old noah would have at a certain point in the discussion in the unlikely event he bothered to participate in that kind of discussion at all pretend to be stumped right like he'd throw him a bone he'd shrug his shoulders and he'd offer some disingenuous olive branch along the lines of, well, I guess none of us can know for sure. But early 30s Noah didn't know any better, so he just kept dunking on Jesus over and over and over again. And at a certain point, of course, shit gets emotional. Women are sad. Men are also sad, but they're too toxically masculine to admit that that's what's going on, so they pretend that they're just mad at me for making the women sad. Men are also sad, but they're too toxically masculine to admit that that's

what's going on. So they pretend that they're just mad at me for making the women sad. One of my wife's aunts literally cries. And I experienced probably for the first time that feeling you get when your very existence makes people sad. Really, I get she was crying because of some combination of hating conflict and having to contemplate her own mortality. But the reason she had to do that is because i existed and admitted it in public since then i've gone out of my way to avoid religious debates i know that seems like an odd statement given that after that i started an atheist podcast but it's not like we've ever used the podcast for debate yes we present arguments in favor of atheism,

and we pick apart arguments in favor of theism, but mostly we just turn to other atheists and say, hey, sorry people are sad about your existence. Of course, just because I learned my lesson doesn't mean y'all did. And given when this episode is coming out and when most of you get around to downloading the Thanksgiving episodes, it stands to reason that at least a few of you are listening to this in the aftermath of some angry brother-in-law and some crying auntie.

Many of you are listening to this after being asked by well-meaning peacemakers if you could just pretend not to exist for Aunt Kathy's sake for a little bit. And the message I want to send you away with is the reminder that what people hate tells you a lot about what they fear. Now, I get that a lot of you come from like these religiously homogenous families. Everybody's a Mormon in your family. Everybody's like this one particular slice of Baptist. Everybody goes to this one particular church and always has.

But for most of you, there's some variety in your family's religion, right? Like, you know, maybe they're all Christian, but some of them are Episcopalians. A few of them are Catholics. Some of them are Southern Baptists. Maybe there's even like a neo-pagan hippie with some weird bullshit nature Jesus thing going on. That's how my family is. And somehow all of them can peacefully coexist without anybody getting pissed off and crying. Nobody even bothers to broach the subject of which of their mutually

exclusive takes on religion are correct, but you toss one atheist into the mix and that changes everything. People want to argue. People want to disprove. And when they can't succeed in that, they get angry and sad and emotional. And why is that? Right? I mean, Catholic theology and Protestant theology are irreconcilable. There are plenty of wars out there to back me up on that. According to Catholics, Protestants are going to hell. According to Protestants, Catholics are going to hell. That's way worse than the just dying that atheism condemns them to. And yet they can have Thanksgiving together with no issues, even when it comes time to say grace and invoke God.

Now, I understand that's not true in all places at all times, but like modern American culture and that of pretty much the entire rest of the English speaking world, that's the case. The subject almost certainly won't come up. And if it did, it's way less likely to ruin everybody's meal than atheism is. And that's because Catholics in modern day America don't spend any time considering how likely it is that Baptists are right. Baptists don't look at themselves in the mirror, realize that Catholicism makes way more sense, and then push that thought out of their head. Nobody at your Thanksgiving dinner really fears that some other type of religion is the right one, but they all fear atheism.

the right one, but they all fear atheism. And they all know on some level that their religion is bullshit and anything that threatens that carefully cultivated illusion needs to be banished or at the very least apologized for. Now, I'm not saying this is universally true. There are plenty of Christians that are married enough to their sect to hate all other forms of Christianity. There are plenty of religious fundamentalists that would greet atheism and, you know, ever so slightly different Christianity with the same vitriol. And of course, xenophobia will fuck this metric right up if the religion is mostly reserved for some

other ethnic group. But on the whole, it's a pretty good heuristic for what they actually believe. You know, much in the same way that the most vocal homophobes always turn out to be gay, the people most furious about your atheism are, generally speaking, the ones closest to being convinced by it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the food and football to my family, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, you ready to give thanks? I love this holiday so much. It's based on food and football. Uh-huh. And that's the first time someone has called me football without adding shape. So thank you, Noah. I am grateful. You are welcome.

Now, quick before we get started, I have a reminder. We have extended Vulgarity for Charity to November 29th because, well, damn it, we want to beat what we did last time and we are so fucking close. As of this record, we have raised over $140,000. 29th because well damn it we want to beat what we did last time and we are so fucking close as of this record we have raised over 140 000 that means 280 000 total for modesty with our anonymous donors match yes that has been extended to however much we can race before the 29th is over so if you are waiting to give or you already gave but you can toss in a couple extra bucks now would be the perfect time to do it and while you get that donation in we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor movement do it come out hey podcast listener i'm eli bosnick

i'm heath henry i'm no illusions we're introducing ourselves again and we're here to talk about the scourge across our nation that is lame gifts for dudes that's right we're tired of nodding and smiling at your socks and underwear sure we can be a little hard to shop for because of our extremely specific weird hobbies or the fact that we buy stuff when we want it well that's why there's movement watches they're bringing you the sleekest most quality gifts of the season with hundreds of watches and fine jewelry styles to choose from. Stuff your stockings, impress your family, wow your partners, or just treat yourself because we know you're dressing up

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Just go to movement.com slash scathing. That's M-V-M-T dot com slash scathing. Join mvmt.com slash scathing join the movement about anything ever okay just relax ever and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight humanist international just released their 10th annual freedom of thought report and it turns out thought is not particularly free that is freedom the report found that humanists were discriminated against in 144 of is not particularly free. Not as freedom. The report found that humanists were discriminated against in 144 of the 195 countries that they ranked. And to be clear, by the standards they're using, the United States of federal tax dollars buying Bibles is one of the 51 non-discriminatory countries. So three quarters of the world's nations are at least worse than the united states

in terms of discrimination against the non-religious whoo yeah and the other ones they buy the bibles and then they launch them at us out of a cannon right in lots of the world atheists would be happy to buy a bible and punch themselves in the face with it instead of whatever the official government policy is that would be great to most of those eight everyone still has a face at the end of that yeah right so now we've talked about this report before of course but i think a quick refresher is in order the freedom of thought report rates every country in the world in terms of how they treat self-identified atheists agnostics humanists free thinkers and non-religious people along four broad categories, constitution and government, education and children's rights, freedom of expression, and then sort of a catch-all culture category

that they dub family, community, society, religious courts, and tribunals. So each of those categories gets a color-coded grade between grave violation and dark red to free and equal in green. So, for example, the U.S. gets a free and equal in education and freedom of expression, a mostly satisfactory that's yellow in constitution and government, and a rating of systematic discrimination or orange in the culture category. Yeah. And we should point out that pretty much all the places that the U.S. does well, it does

so because they only kind of mean the laws they have against us. Right, yeah, the laws against us aren't enforceable, exactly. So the key takeaway from this whole thing, I think, is that shit is getting worse. Quote, In recent years, there has been an increase in attacks and persecution of humanists and other non-religious people across the globe.

There have been murders, arrests, and disappearances of outspoken humanists in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Iran, and India. There are state sponsors crackdowns on the non-religious communities in Egypt and Malaysia, end quote. Of course, I don't want to leave everybody with the impression that discrimination against non-believers is limited to a few theocratic outposts. The report says right up front that, quote, the overwhelming majority of countries fail to respect the rights of humanists, atheists, and the non-religious, end quote.

And these failures include restrictions on the rights of citizenship, the right to marry, the right to self-identify, access to public education, access to employment, ability to work for the state, ability to hold office.

And that's on top of the more restrictive regimes that just imprison and or execute us. Guys guys maybe we should merge with the far right those guys get all the voting rights it goes great for them also just a quick review of our representation about 25 of the u.s has no religious affiliation and that's supposed to be represented by 4% of the Senate, for example. And that four number is actually high. We have four senators who don't specifically list a religion, but they have them, probably. One was baptized as an Episcopalian. One was raised with Christianity and Judaism.

One still identifies as a deist sometimes. Boo. Boo. And one is cursed in fucking cinema. That's our team in the Senate. And it's because even moderate religious people hear atheist candidate and they think about

horns and orgies of violence all of a sudden. Like in a bad way. Well, yeah, exactly. That's what they think of and they think, I will not vote for that person. Yeah, clearly. So we'll have the report linked in the show notes and I'd strongly urge you to peruse it if you have the time. If you've been in the atheist movement for a while, it helps to occasionally pull back and remind yourself just how much work there is to do worldwide. And if you're newer to the movement, the scope of the problem may not have even occurred to you yet. And I'd especially encourage our international listeners to take a look because we're pretty U.S US centric on the show for obvious reasons. Oh, it's because America's where all the Chuck and Jesus are.

Clearly. Yeah, obviously. But I feel like it would be really easy to get the impression that, you know, countries like Australia, Canada and the UK would say outrank us on scales like the ones they use in this report. Turns out they don't. And some of that might be because the atheists in those countries are busy being thankful that they aren't as bad as the U.S. And in Southern hospitality news, if you've been listening to our podcast for a while, you're aware of a couple of things. First of all, I'm the adorable one, sort of the rapscallion of the cast. The second thing you might know is that one of the lesser and more terrifying. You look like nut loaf.

The worst. I knew it would make and more terrifying... You like nut loaf. Whatever. The worst. I knew it would make it in. Rapscallion, but you like nut loaf. I knew it would make it in. Well, one of the lesser known and more terrifying aspects of the theocratic hellscape we inhabit is just how many of our nation's hospitals are run by religious institutions. As a result, things like life-saving abortive care or, hell, even just healthcare that requires removing

baby-making parts can be hard or impossible to find. And while in the past we've focused specifically on the issue as it applies to hospitals run by the Catholic Church, thanks to a new report out of Columbia University this week, we learned that down south, it's just fucking all

the hospitals, even the secular secular ones there is literally no escape from the theocracy yeah yeah you may not have noticed this because so few americans can afford health care one way or the other but they checked and it's not yes they did accurate yeah so this report comes to us from columbia law school's law rights and religion project which i can only assume is partnered with the Mice, Birds, and Cats Project. It's the result of a, thank you, it's a result of the two-year study, and it's titled The Southern Hospitals Report, Faith, Culture, and Abortion Bans in the U.S. South. There's another one, yeah. Mice, Birds, and Cats. Did not expect that to come

out. It's a hospital's report, and then not hospital words at all. Yeah, and hey, spoilers for the project. It sucks ass down there. It sucks ass. It's a good thing there was a study to let us know. Yeah, good thing. Hey, Columbia, no need to buy all the beakers and isolate the variables. You can just listen to our show for free if you want. Or like read a single newspaper. I don't know.

It's a dumb study. We're here for you. Yeah. So this report is actually well worth a read. It's only 77 pages long, but it's scary like a Stephen King novel. So it's a real page turner. I promise. But the main takeaways are four points.

One, it's not just Catholic hospitals. Protestant run hospitals are banning the fuck out of abortion as well. I'm surprised Protestant hospitals aren't banning Catholics. And you know what? Just when I thought Protestants were super woke and helpful. Right, yeah. Big letdown like this. Thanks, Columbia.

Very disappointing. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. So number two, when they say protestant run hospitals they mean protestant run hospitals quote while protestant hospitals are typically no longer owned by religious institutions they are not religious in name only as some advocates and doctors initially suggested to us rather these systems have retained important connections to their founding denominations typically through rules allowing religious groups to nominate or approve members of their board of trustees, end quote. Wow. Yeah. Now, maybe you're thinking to yourself, OK, that's bad, but people can still

get their abortive care at secular hospitals, right? Nope. Number three, secular hospitals in the South ban abortion, too. Quote, abortion bans have also been installed at many public hospitals in the South due to a variety of factors, including legal prohibitions, anti-choice boards or administrators, fear of losing public or private funding or community pressure. Yeah. End quote. I'm glad they included those last two people. Right. I'm glad they included those last two people. I know nobody wants to have to be the asshole, but it's worth remembering that a lot of the time Christianity gets their way because they're the biggest pain in the ass to deal with. Mm hmm. Yeah. And last, but certainly not least for number four, I'm just going to read the quote from the report here because this is so fucking crazy. fucking crazy many hospitals use termination of pregnancy committees or boards to evaluate patients and determine whether a doctor can perform a medically indicated abortion in the facility i'm sorry that committee is not the doctor and the mother no no no it's other people it continues great some committees at religious health systems include faith leaders wow and then to really hit this home they conclude such committees were common

in the pre-ro era end quote oh yeah yikes that's right many hospitals still have a can you kill your baby committee populated by priests and pastors Just like we did when the original Nintendo wasn't out yet. I'd love it if when Noah was a kid didn't sound so fucking medieval. And hadn't been so fucking medieval. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you know how slavery got banned but bigotry didn't go away? It's like that. but bigotry didn't go away it's like that christian people have been running reconstruction hospitals since 1973 apparently yeah what the fuck so yeah this is obviously all terrifying and

words like there is no escape come to mind but i bring this up because policies like this are the stuff that regular people you know the ones who like roll their eyes at you when you talk about atheism they don't know about this and that's the way religion wants it right they want to seem like cozy buildings full of nice little old ladies not billion dollar rape cabals stopping literally all the abortion below the makes and dicks in line so we gotta keep talking about this even if people's eyes are rolling and we gotta keep fighting it yep and in a state of mind news tonight self-described prophetess and where are they now troll doll cat cur test time thank you took time off of pitching celestial time shares to steve schultz to deliver a sermon at the glory fire Church in suburban Orlando last weekend. And during the sermon, she explained that God bought her a house as a thank you for

all the acid trip at a county fair heaven descriptions that she's been given out. That's her job. Yep. And then she bragged about how much bigger her house is than the people whose money she takes. And then she explained that God was really just giving her a mansion so she could insinuate herself into rich people company okay and see what those devil worshipers are up to just say jewish people cat cur don't be a fucking tower if we know what you're fucking saying say

jewish right so okay so here's the quote quote if you've been faithful to god you cannot escape being blessed in these days he told me to go pick out as many houses as i wanted he didn't care she only wanted one she went with one right yeah with one he didn't care where they were so she went with florida apparently this is she got all of these questions wrong continuing the quote he didn't care what they cost and i'm getting one end quote and and then perhaps sensing that i have more money than you is not a good lead into the collection plate portion of the program. She explained that this was really all part of her divine mission. Quote, he said, and that he is God, of course.

He said, I will infiltrate you into the circles of the wealthy and the rich. It's another assignment. I hope they're ready end quote okay i just want to make sure i have this right god of the universe needed somebody to infiltrate the evil jewish rich people yep someone who you know blend right in with that group who looks like a sorceress of Pepto Bismol. It's a Bismol bender. The only issue,

the only issue is getting her a big house that wouldn't arouse. Right? Yeah. I'm just thinking about the nosy neighbor. Who's like, hon, I think that lady who looks like she played hit girl in the retirement home production of kick-ass is probably a spy for God.

Look at Linda. Get away from the window. look at linda get away from the window okay linda get away from the window well my favorite part is the contradiction right she like with the assurance that people get rich because god decides to reward them still hanging in the fucking air she claims that she's only there so that a godly person can sneak in among all those satanic rich people and of course if she's not lying about moving into a mansion it'll be the first non-lie she's ever told into a microphone but that being said heaven has a three mile slip and slide made of gold dean

stockwell got his own cigar shop in the afterlife and you can give me money at patreon.com scathing atheists just in case i'm just paving the way. You guys are really crushing it for Logarity for Charity this year. It's just, you know. Do them first, but then afterwards, maybe. I don't know. The guys yelled at me. And in

showdown at the OK Corral News. Corral. It's about church. A prisoner family visit church service program in Oklahoma kicked a woman out while she was visiting her sister this week for attempting to smuggle in

a bag of cilantro. Okay. Excellent. Almost the same thing happened to me except it was mint tea. No shit. And also not weed. Almost the same thing happened to me except it was mint tea no shit and and also not weed almost the same thing happened to me except it was weed yeah okay so all right where do i begin on this all right first of all a church is in charge of family visitation at a jail in oklahoma that's pretty fucked up yeah what is

the first part of this the church in question is the pen ave redemption united methodist church and when ashley onto veros attended a service last week, she brought menudo, the traditional Mexican soup, not the boy band. Okay. Thank you for clarifying. I was so confused for a second.

I also had a moment where I was like, so they're named after the soup. Yeah, they're named after the soup. Yeah, they are. Okay. She also brought lime, oregano, and cilantro in a second bag

for people to add as they wished. Oh, Jesus. However, when the church saw said cilantro, they kicked her out and threatened to call the cops because they thought it was weed. Okay, oregano is actually used as fake weed sometimes. Cilantro is just the color green and does not it has so the only outcome that would be just here is if they confiscated the cilantro and then smoked a joint of it when she left i really don't see what them hippies are going on and on about this is just unpleasant

yeah all right now you gotta smoke the whole soup gotta smoke the whole boy band. They're just pouring soup into one side of an apple. This is terrible. So in the two videos taken by Ms. Antovedros, you can very clearly hear multiple church staff claiming that her cilantro

is drugs. Amazing. A fact that the church did not address in their half-assed apology at all really where they posted on their website quote the video clip that is being circulated around social media of an incident that occurred at redemption mission penn avenue in oklahoma city on november 14th is of a person who was upset because the staff did not allow her to give a bag of food to a family member who is an inmate attending the faith service no no no it was you guys accusing her of having one of them crack limes tucker carlson was talking about not some wasted soup incidentally all those

videos you see where people are upset about that kid in wisconsin or from people who take curfews very seriously issue there somebody invent the crack line though oh yeah but here's where it gets weird okay they then removed the half-assed blamey apology and replaced it with this quote and really really sit with this this because this has bothered me a lot over the last couple of days. Quote, volunteers at Redemption, many of whom are former addicts, are badged volunteers trained by the DOC to look for particular ways in which contraband can be passed, including bringing in drugs with food, which has happened in the past. Maintaining a drug-free environment is vital for people who are in recovery, so these standards must be strictly enforced. End quote. Oh, hey, Karen.

Yeah, I'll give this pound of flour to Chad for you. No problem. Excuse me, Senorita? Senorita, is that a sprig of drugs? I will need to stop you. Okay, a couple obvious things we need to get out of the way here. Racist-ass church got caught telling a Latina woman there's super drugs.

And they have a staff of former addicts who, it turns out, were addicted to cilantro in the clink. Right, yeah, that didn't know the difference between cilantro and weed. Or weed. There's nobody addicted to weed in jail. Fuck you. Either way, probably shouldn't have churches in charge of prisoner stuff, especially if said church staff are

doing lines of paprika in the back. By the way, that sentence works with or without the word prisoner. Yep. They probably shouldn't have churches in charge of stuff. There you go. Yep. Seriously, Google cilantro because you're not getting how not like

weed it looks and finally tonight north carolina lieutenant governor mark robinson is a dangerous lunatic and i mean like dangerous lunatic for the republican party that he's in. He's been trying desperately to get on our show with an escalating series of absurd bigot rants since getting elected last year, and he finally made it into our headlines a few weeks ago. But really, he was only mentioned so we could talk about the absurd responses to his rant by other people, which were even more absurd. And I think he got offended by that and took it as a personal challenge so last week he decided to this is real unironically rank the sexualities that happened first place by the way was hetero couples second place was

gay couples and those are all the types of sexual relationships that really his entire pitch to north carolina's republicans seems to be sorry for being black hope i can make up with it with a different prejudice we can team up on a different i'm on your side for all the stuff except the me yeah okay right that's his platform though that's real also he eats badly so he doesn't think his life matters that much you know he's meeting them where they are i don't want to say how accurate that is so here's a quick rundown coward of robinson's experience that you know qualified him to be a high-level state politician okay moving on i was he got national attention

for the first time in 2018 after attending a city council meeting in greensboro north carolina the mass shooting at stoneman douglas high school had just happened when this meeting happened and robinson showed up to the meeting to yell at the local government for even considering rescheduling a gun show until after the dead children were cleaned up and his pro-gun rant went viral so naturally the fucking nra rose up out of the floor and they were like you're our black friend now you talk at our next national meeting and he did that so yeah end of experience right there but this is the republican party so i guess i should also include two years of shouting homophobic and transphobic slurs occasionally as part of an event with other people there mostly probably by himself

just into the middle distance i don't know also in the shower probably in the shower sometimes he probably harmonized it i don't know also robinson was the guy who figured this is very important he's the guy who figured out that black panther it was actually just a plot by the jews and the satanic marxists those are his exact words again his exact words it was a plot by the jews and satanic marxists to quote pull the shekels out of your schwarz pockets what yeah schwarz is yiddish a slur word for black people he's black so he can say that plus all the anti-semitic stuff built into that now he to be fair that's true for republicans and democrats the democrats just say it's subtle like you know hypnotize and dual loyalty yeah no the parties are pretty much the

same when it comes to prejudice okay hey now hey now so here's how robinson ranked those sexualities it was during a sermon but here's the thing i don't think he's a pastor for any particular church it's not clear but i get the impression he's like a freelance pastor for churches all over the region kind of like a studio musician but for hate speech instead of music so during a guest hate at berrien baptist church in winston-salem he started by complaining that kids might see two men kissing on TV and then he'd have to explain it. To why? And no, no, no, you would not.

Regardless, he continued by telling a story that absolutely never happened. Quote, somebody asked me in the classroom one time, oh, so you think your wife and you, you think your heterosexual relationship is superior to my husband and our homosexual relationship to which robinson responded by screaming yes we're better than you and then he explained he explained that's because if you put a gay couple in one room and a straight couple in another room and then wait nine months straight couple will have three people in their insane room where you lock them instead of still only two people like the gay couple would have in their insane locked room uh yes because all great relationships have the plot of the horror movie

vivarium i hate well i hate to say with robinson but three is more than two. So math is on his side. Yeah. All right. Well, obviously, the ability to breed is irrelevant. But let's pretend that matters for a second. First of all, plenty of gay couples are making babies. Idiot. And if that ever happens in Mark Robinson's side-by-side birthing cage contest area,

he's going to lose his fucking mind when he realizes that's what happens sometimes but more importantly there's no chance mark robinson is getting live sperm from himself into a willing uterus there's none scenario where that happens so many steps along the way would work out so badly. And just for the record, one other thing, if we're ranking it, hetero is dead last. I think we can all agree hetero is dead last. It's socially irresponsible. It's bad for the world. And it's just boring.

It's a boring sexuality. Thank you. Yes. And for those who are wondering, by the way, it goes. Gay guys, lesbians, nobody has a gender polycule, bi girl and her gremlin husband. The normalized incest hashtag, and then straight people. Yes, last. Now, quick before Eli

baits me into delineating ways that I'm better than incest again, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, happy Thanksgiving, guys. Stuffing! And when we come back, we'll watch people cutesy up a story about genocide. It's that time of year again.

Time for our American listeners to endure dry turkey and dry company and time for our international listeners to wish we'd shut the fuck up about our goddamn holiday. But we won't. No. Instead, we're going to use it as the focus for this week's God Awful Mini. goddamn holiday but we won't no instead we're going to use it as the focus for this week's god awful many so tell us heath what will we be breaking down today we watched animated hero classics william bradford the first thanksgiving short movie youtube it's the story of the first thanksgiving as told by white christian people it's hypocritical race

theory the movie oh nice well done sir and eli how bad was this mini well if you were a voter in the 2021 midterms you will love this movie apparently It's a big thing for you. Right, yeah. So, yeah, it's the story of the first Thanksgiving, or, you know, wink, asterisk, whatever. So we're going to open up in Lincolnshire, England in 1607. Yep. And, okay, they had to reach so far for this.

This was the last time a white Christian guy was persecuted. 1607. And not even that bad. Right. They just just sailed away and it was like okay we still end of story we stole a continent so we're fine right so constantly throughout this they will be taking like that time we did crimes and and showing it through like black and white footage with the schindler's List music in the background. Right. So this first time is when Bradford, the first attempt to make it to Amsterdam with the pilgrims, which is where they actually left from, but nobody knows that because they don't teach it to you in school. Well, right, because they were allowed to practice their religion as they saw fit in Amsterdam.

Right. So the first time they just tried to fucking go. Like no exit visas. No visas no no they were just like we have a ship now this is ours we're going to amsterdam right right they were a caravan of refugees showing up at the southern border right and as the captain that they had commissioned like sold them out i was trying to read the actual true story of this it's nothing it's a nothing story yeah but i was surprised we didn't cut away from this scene where he gets betrayed by the ship captain

to like him breaking rocks in the cold, hard prison yard. I liked how the captain showed up though. He did a big waiting thing. So like they get onto the ship and they think they're doing it successful. They're on the small boat and they go out to the ship and then the ship starts going. But then some of the guys on the ship are like, wait a minute. And they open up a door to like the bottom of the ship.

And this British official guy comes out and he's like, no, now you're in trouble. And they're all like, did you wait in like the bilge the whole time? Just so you could do a big reveal why wouldn't you just stop us right away yes now let us all awkwardly load back into those boats yeah right and go to shore right but and they hit and of course they have to have the guy go like rotten puritan and punch him so we can see the kind of you know persecution they were facing i'm just impressed they didn't make up a Puritan slur, right?

Like, you damn Puris. Please, sir, that is our word. But when he punches him in the face with the giant bag of money, I enjoyed that.

That was pretty good. It was win me over. I was very happy with the movie at this point. So then we get the credits proper or second credits, I guess, and we jump to 13 years

later, they're on the Mayflower, heading to the new world. And William Bradford is narrating, oh, it's been a hard trip. Many of us are, I wanted one person on the boat to be like, hey, William, do you mind not narrating how much this thing you did sucks? We're all very hungry

and thirsty. It's very bleak it's a good thing i brought plenty of ink in a giant barrel to write this instead of packing more food right you right yeah exactly and of course they have to sell the lie they're like only the new world can offer what we seek religious freedom and it's like no no no at this point you're running from the fact that your kids are getting all hollandy right you are already allowed in amst anyway yeah but we what we learn here is that william is kind and humble and sets about resolving arguments when people try to throw that nice old man's jack overboard okay i am so excited about the truth of this story because i was like

this is such a weird detail to put in and apparently like a bunch of the bradford histories focus on this miracle of the jack let's hope this never means masturbating so what happened was during the storm the captain came down and was like hey you guys brought a bunch of unnecessary construction equipment please throw it overboard so we don't sink and william bradford was like no i'm keeping my excavator in the bottom of this boat and like the captain said the masthead crashed into like the bottom of the boat and the way william bradford tells the story. The problem he caused, he was like, great. Now we can use my construction equipment to fix it. So you're going to fix the mess with an excavator. But yeah, they have it like a jack, like you would jack up a car to change a tire.

They have like a big version of that. So they just jack up the boat in general to being fixed. Really wanted a shot of the guy underneath the boat trying to change the tire i also like how they made the evil guy here the evil boat guy who was like throw all your stuff overboard they represent him by vaguely italian accent yeah it's i love because like some of the voice actors decided to do accents and some of them didn't. It was like acting in a sketch with Heath

at a certain point. It was amazing. Yep. I do an amazing Italian accent. You're doing that forever now. All the sketches are that accent. That's the new Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I don't fucking care. Italian. So, but then we get the whole land ho moment and they see

america the shining city on a hill or whatever and the title card pops up to tell us it's we're in plymouth and it's november of 1620 this it's time for them to all set about signing the mayflower compact and again the pitch on this is so so the mayflower compact by the way so a little history for those of you who missed it is the pilgrims get there and they're they're secular people or people who aren't fucking weirdo pilgrims so they're like oh shit if we get to land people might have our absolutely fucking crazy moral code so we're gonna make everyone sign to super best friend promise be a pilgrim on the new land we go to well right which is horrible that's what actually happened but the way they represented here is like everybody signed a pact that we're not libertarians you have to

yeah right well and they in the cartoon they're like oh we're gonna start a democracy and we're gonna self-govern which is of course that sort of the bullshit origin story that we tell ourselves so we don't have to admit that we kind of stole that from the natives but what they really did was they were like hey if it's a voting thing we have a voting majority since we're all one big religious block let's just do it that way that way we're in control of who runs the thing and hey to be fair that's been working out for them ever that's true yeah so they're trying to convince everybody to sign the mayflower compact and this is where we meet miles standish i had him down as tin hat for quite a while in my notes oh yeah this i have him as spanish hat captain okay yeah that's miles standish that's the guy that they hired to like

protect him or to or to do military shit who's just like, yeah, man, I'll sign your fucking thing. Whatever. Yeah, he's one of those Spanish people named Miles. Yeah. But then to kick off their new democracy, they elect a governor out of the one candidate

that runs unanimously. Yeah, so, you know. It's like a school board election. Yeah, right. No, it's democratic, like the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea. So that night,

we get Williams and Miles. They're looking over the site of their fuchsia colony. Now, we should point out, it's like late November in Massachusetts. They're like, this is a great spot

to start building our colony, huh? And it's great because Miles Standish has this moment where he goes, there is plenty of water and they're on a fucking beach. I want it so badly for him to be like, well, yeah, no, the ocean. It's salt. You can't drink that though. Why did we bring you? I just appreciate him going to bed in his armor so that I would know which character he was from one scene to the next. That was nice.

Are you wearing the same armor as yesterday, man? That's gross. But so just then, so they're having this conversation where William is saying, well, you know, I'm going to make friends with the natives and I promise not to genocide any of them. That's not what we're going to do as a people here at all and miles is like i feel like we're gonna have to genocide them oh trust me you're gonna want to genocide them and the minute he finishes saying that racist indian noises attack yes oh god yeah right the indians attack and start shooting arrows at them but you know don't worry they fire some guns in the air and the indians don't know what to do about all of that scary yeah stuff the conclusion of this scene in this children's

cartoon is don't worry those natives are cowards we are the good guys in this cartoon yep and the good guys are like fire into the air only guns are very dangerous but necessary for you know just scaring but only into the air promise you won't self-defense stand your ground gentlemen it's our awareness of our own rights that will really scare them away so yeah so they said they and the voiceover comes up and it's like we started building our colony on christmas day i'm like really in massive fucking shoes as you waited until Christmas to start laying the groundwork. They got there. What were

they doing for like a month and a half? I don't want to start yet. Let's just chill for a little bit. We just got here. We have to do all the paperwork. There's a lot of compacts to sign. No, I get it. Heath was in charge of their moving. Kind of want to unwind. So yeah, and then the narrator comes in and he's like you know hunger and disease had also run their evil course about

half of us had died and i'm like you've been there for a month you guys didn't bring a month worth of food he also goes sometimes we only have six men available to bury a body. And I don't know why I thought this and fixated on it so hard. I feel like you don't need six people to bury a body. I don't like that you fixated so much, but yeah, that is true. Roll a die and see which one. It was kind of funny what happened though. He's like, we only had six people to bury dead. Okay, actually five.

I just fell down and died passed out. I almost died. I'm writing this now, later. I'm narrating some other tense. What? Please don't animate me falling like a southern bell into Miles Standish's arms. But yeah, and of course he keeps trying to make friends with the Indians, but instead he just keeps getting wolves. That's such a weird shot.

That's such a fucking... The narration is, I tried to talk to the Indians and I wanted something to be like, dude, William, those are wolves again, man. Those are wolves, bud. And they show us the wolves. They're so goddamn angry. They have like... They give no fucks to these wolves. They have the best faces it's fantastic but he just walks out and looks at clearly a group of wolves is like are there any

native americans who want to help us or is that are you guys do you guys know are you english speaking wolves that know some native americans that would like to be friends with me no i wanted a wolf to be like fuck you wear a mask no we're not helping well and then he turns to miles standish and he's like how will we survive with no knowledge of this land and i'm like you guys just now thinking of that no you show up in fucking massachusetts late november and now you think of that okay spoiler yes now is when they thought of that but then we cut to that fateful day when a non-murderous native arrived in real life by the way the way he disarmed them was by just asking for beer when he showed up they leave that out of the cartoon yeah so this is pre-squanto and the minute he gets to them and starts speaking

their language they're like do you know anyone who speaks better English? Yes. Yep. Might as well say which way to Times Square. Do you guys have a guy who speaks English less racially than you? Yes, you do. Why would we, why would you send you first? Kind of bad. Can we speak to the manager?

Basically, they asked to speak to the manager here. That's what the British people did here yeah and they got squanto he's the manager and they're too oh god they're so rough they're talking to him in that asshole thing where they think they're somehow communicating extra by using one word outside of their normal language like my gm at fridays would do with spanish he'd be like i need you to change mucho light bulbs to a spanish speaking person and they'd be like, I need you to change mucho light bulbs to a Spanish speaking person. And they'd be like, yeah, I'm fluent in fucking English. But don't say mucho now.

It would be muy light bulbs, man. Come on. Yeah. But so this this guy, this native sets up a meeting between the pilgrims and one of the local tribes. Now, what this meeting was really about was like hey man we know when you guys show up you kill a lot of us so uh we're gonna team up with you and maybe we could kill this other tribe over here instead you and us together yes but of course the way

they sell it in the cartoon is just like hey you guys want to be friends do you want to be friends check this box right yes but we have the whole bit where they're getting ready for the meeting and damn it's the old governor guy doesn't want to wear a helmet yeah it's weird the moments that this like white supremacist propaganda chose for comedy yeah right right and the slapstick that they chose but this is also where we meet squanto they are better english speaker oh god and squanto gets in a good burn here right because they come over and he's like me big man he's small man and squanto's like you're embarrassing yourself yeah right it's just i speaker i've been to england man oh oh one more thing i want to talk about by this seed that i love so much when they sign their friendship agreement they repeat this weird lie that's in a

lot of history that he has no signature no it's not that he didn't have signature didn't write in english in quill pens right yeah they didn't he's like no we would settle agreements with gifts and so we just have a different way and instead he's acting like what is this papier you speak am i supposed to eat this contract you just handed me right right yeah no instead they bring corn and blankets and i'm like i bet their blankets didn't have any smallpox in them did they oh that's sad shoulda yeah so and then of course we get the scene where squanto is explaining to him how that they're they don't understand how to farm and it's really dumb that they didn't bring farm people with them yeah he's fairly confused like i understand he's like you're really fucking bad at farming do you not have

plants in england what did you um you have plants right did you come here just so that you could have a really super crazy version of your religion that was already accepted where you were from oh you did okay all right well now all of a where you were from? Oh, you did? Okay. Oh, all right. Well, now I know. All of a sudden you're fluent in English and you know all these words. Fuck you. And this is where the movie, and gentlemen, correct me if I'm wrong, took on a bit of a, I'm going to say, hardcore

Western yaoi vibe. Right? Did you guys get this vibe between Squanto and... Yes. Yeah, absolutely. The animators were definitely, like, hedging their bets on whether or not they were going to use this as underground gay porn if it didn't get made into a full-on animated short.

When you read the history, the did they or didn't they between William and Squanto is actually pretty... It screams through the historical record. But it's also pretty fucked up because this is the part where Squanto has to tell his backstory, which is tragic and horrible, right? This is a guy who was kidnapped and enslaved and dragged halfway across the fucking world.

And then when he finally got back to his homeland, his entire tribe had been wiped out by disease. He was the last of his people to survive. So it's this terrible fucking story, but they tell it like a, you know, you know, like a little quick Disney montage. Yeah. Like he went on a yacht from Paris and then he went into the Mediterranean a little bit. I saw a lot of different capitals. Checked out Spain for a little bit.

You know, Corfu is really nice. And then when I came back from studying abroad, my girlfriend was dating someone else. Yeah, right. But yeah, but he decides that he's going to live with them from now on and be their buddies. That's the best part is they get to this end of this tragic story. And he's like, and I guess my conclusion is I really like white people and would like to stay here. Right. like white people and would like to stay here.

Right. And then we get this amazing, like, what you would imagine Eli singing to Cecil from the tree in his front yard song. But at gunpoint, right? Like, Cecil has found me. The scope is trained on me, and I'm

trying to get him to put the gun. We're the best of friends. How does Randy Newman do do this it's harder than it looks i'm singing this song at his funeral by the way yeah okay all right no that's fair yeah dibs you you think you're gonna outlive me are you insane i will if i murder you okay all right so but then you won't be allowed at the funeral yeah no that's true it depends on how Are you insane? I will if I murder you. Okay, all right. But then you won't be allowed at the funeral. Yeah, no, that's true.

It depends on how well... You think you're going to get away with it? Yeah. What I'm going to say, I'm going to say you were endangering me. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, so yeah, but Squanto shows them some nifty not-dying tricks during the music.

We have a little bit of slapstick. People fall down while they're standing up. It's very funny. They seem to be implying that England also does not have fishing nor tree sap because they learned about both of those things existing here. And then of course this

montage ends with John the wacky slapstick governor collapsing and dying up until this point this guy's just been there to like well this hat doesn't fit at all you know but now he has a tragic death moment a la yoda i'm just smoking a spliff in front of my son yeah this is what animated used to be like you kids in your fucking egg cantanto or whatever you don't know what it was like we used to just have characters dropping dead left and right we killed a deer's mom for no reason had nothing to do with the rest of the movie

he doesn't get revenge doesn't change him he's just sad all right let's watch frozen 2 again you have good insurance dad Let's watch Frozen 2 again. You have good insurance, Dan. So yeah, so now John the governor is in bed dying of need to move the plot along. And there's this great moment where Squanto is like, this man is set to die. And then he immediately opens his eyes and I want to be like, wow, I'm sorry. Did you say I'm trying to die?

Because I'm very much trying not to die, Squanto. You're very relaxed. Go on to the ice floor. We don't do this. We don't do this here. Stop. Get off me. We have a bad understanding of death here.

So yeah, so Squanto wanders off after having his sort of, there's nothing I can do. This is like we're going into final monologue moments right here so Squanto wanders off and John has to tell William that like you know if anybody can be the governor after he's gone it's William nailed it

yeah thank you thank you yeah he has this he gets a great thing he says I shall die but the colony shall live forever. And if you have any awareness of this colony's history, that's great. Because like two years later, they start to starve to death and a bigger colony has to come down and be like, okay, you're technically part of our colony. Right. Yeah.

You know, the state, it's in the state of Plymouth. No. Yeah. I also, his timing was pretty good though, right? He gets to the end of his little speech and he just dies perfect timing yeah if i get one of those like deathbed type of diseases i am gonna pump fake on that so many fucking times i'm gonna gather people around and put in little coughs and shit and then i'll just be like also could somebody grab me like the remote control controller over

there i need new batteries and then okay but then then we do some more democracy william is elected governor with no other candidates by a unanimous vote crushing it democracy is working great for us we are all white men this will work forever yep stop the count yeah we didn't need to. Start the count? And then William has his first gubernatorial proposal, Thanksgiving. So in the end, the story of Thanksgiving

was, yeah, this guy figured we should eat food that day. Yes, and to be clear, I don't mean it in a gluttonous way. In a gluttonous, sinful way that would drive us to the very fires of hell itself. I mean it in a fun way.

You know? And then, of course, he goes, and to be clear, Thanksgiving is explicitly religious. It's all about Jesus. I can say that definitively. It's like inventing an imaging format. I get to decide somebody write that

send an email to no illusions just make sure that's clear and then we close on him and Squanto about to kiss yeah well all of the natives show up potluck style to the big dinner and then yeah him and Squanto

look dreamily into each other's eyes and absolutely they make out here 100% I made out here I opened and tilted alright well apparently we have to wait for the sequel for Willy and Squanto to consummate that relationship so I guess that's

going to do it for this installment of God Awful Minis. Angelo? I will commission you for that erotica. Just saying, buddy. I know you're stuck at home in Australia. We can make that erotica.

Hate to spoil it for you, it already exists. Oh, God! Oh, God! It already exists. Yeah. Oh, God. Before we take a crack at those leftovers tonight,

I want to thank everybody who's made Vulgarity for Charity such a huge success again this year. Once again, we've extended the deadline to get an on-air roast all the way to the 29th, midnight on the 29th. So there's still plenty of time for you to add to that total and milk that match. We're already over a quarter of a million dollars. We're on the verge of breaking our $300,000 goal. And hell, by the time you hear this, we may be over that. And it's all because of you. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes

with more. If you can't wait that long, be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't finish the meal until I thank Heath Enright for being the stuffing of the podcast, Eli Bosney for being the mashed potatoes, and Lucinda Lusions for being the you know, I'm going to get in trouble if I use the gravy joke that I was thinking of, so instead I'll say the sweet

potato pie. I also want to thank Reggie the Turkey for providing this week's Farsworth quote. Sorry about your cousins, dude. And as weird as it is to use Thanksgiving as an excuse for not thanking people, I'm recording this in advance, so I can't thank any of the new patrons by name this week, but I promise I'll get you next week. And if you'd like to hear your name alongside of theirs, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right

side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help with all your expendable income, one to charity roasts, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-N on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P.A. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode,

which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdiads.com. Fucking nut loaf. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021.

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