The Scathing Atheist - 459: Sneaky Ninja Edition

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

In this week’s episode, Heath brings not one but two demon-sperm related stories, Eli gets out of this episode with a fake doctor's note like he's skipping gym class, and Tom and Cecil will be here to see if this episode can’t earn two explicit tags. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: Learn more about the FreeFlo convention here: https://www.freeflo.org/ Give Celtic King 345 a follow here: https://youtube.com/user/celticking345 or here:  https://www.instagram.com/celticking3455/ --- Headlines: MAGA "doctor" says vaccinated Christians can still ask God to cast out the shots: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/24/maga-doctor-vaccinated-christians-can-still-ask-god-to-cast-out-the-shots/ Christ Church in Moscow, Idaho sneaking into mainstream with cartoon on Netflix: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/nov/28/christ-church-us-christian-right-group-books-cartoon-nature-doc End times preacher says a reptile alien imitating her husband tried to sleep with her: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/23/end-times-preacher-a-reptile-alien-imitating-my-husband-tried-to-sleep-with-me/ Hank Kunneman claims “many” preachers signed Declaration of Independence: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/24/maga-preacher-spreads-lie-that-many-preachers-signed-the-declaration/

Warning, we haven't gotten any less vulgar since last week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. And by the new porn site for everybody who's always wondered what Little Caesar had on under that robe. Pepperoni fans. Pepperoni fans. Because gooey melty cheese is at least as much of a turn-on as other people fucking. And now, The Scathing Athehing atheist i'm kelty king 345 and i'm here to tell you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men It's Thursday. It's December 2nd.

And it's International Abolition of Slavery Day. Well, except for the anti-vaxxers. Yes, still enslaving them, yes. Oh, absolutely. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Stephen Colbert's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, Heath brings not one, but two demon sperm-related stories. It just happens sometimes. Yep. Eli gets out of this episode with a fake doctor's note like he's skipping gym class. And Tom and Cecil will be here to see if this episode can't earn two explicit tags. But first,

the diatribe. It's one thing to know it, but it's another thing altogether to see it. Like, yeah, you spend your whole life hearing about how big the Grand Canyon is. Motherfuckers named after how big it is. And still, the first time you stand in front of it, you are overwhelmed by its immensity. No amount of measurements and comparisons could have possibly prepared you for it. And that's how I feel about your generosity.

Y'all are the grand fucking canyon of altruism. Well, hell, actually better than that because as impressive as the Grand Canyon is, it ain't going to be any bigger than by the next time I see it, you know, or not noticeably so anyway, but your generosity somehow manages to grow every time we measure it.

So yeah, we wrapped up Vulgarity for charity on Monday. We ended up extending it a couple extra days because we had told our audience one thing. Tom and Cecil had told their audience another. And then we ended up going with something different than any of us told anybody. But holy hell, we were on a roll. Our anonymous benefactor kept agreeing to extend their match. And so many families were getting so much help that we could not stop now the total still might grow the fundraiser is over but we're still getting emails trickling in from people who donated before the deadline so the number might actually go up a little bit or

hell it might go up a lot one of the late arriving emails was from a donation for 5300 with the match from their employer but as as of this recording, it looks like the total amount raised is, and Morgan, if anything ever deserved a drum roll, this is it. $448,282.12. That's right. Our listeners plunked down $224,000 and every penny of that was matched.

Guys, that's the 2019 Vulgarity for Charity total plus the 2018 total with another $20,000 for good measure. Oh, and do you know what religion the people that we helped were? Neither do I because nobody involved in this fundraiser gives a shit. We help to everybody. What's more, we never asked any of them to sit through a lecture on atheism. We didn't give them their money along with a copy of God is not great. Hell, since we were doing all of this through modest needs, I doubt any of the beneficiaries even know the money was coming from an atheist fundraiser.

And needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, we weren't promising any of the donors posthumous rewards or threatening them with eternal torture 100 of these donations came from people who just saw an opportunity to help out a fellow human being and took it or really needed tom to tell their boss to fuck himself in fact i would venture to say that the only way religion factored into this at all was that a lot of atheists really want a chance to push back on the societal prejudice

that says that we're not charitable. I mean, sure, we don't stand around talking about how charitable we are as much as religious people do, and we don't spend anywhere near as much time patting ourselves on the back for it, but we still do this shit. When you subtract out giving to my

church from charitable donations we do it as much as any other goddamn group of people in this country and that point the point about giving to churches that's super important keep in mind that if we were a christian show rather than an atheist one we would be a church right all the money that came into our show would be considered a charitable donation from our listeners even if it just went to paying our bills and buying Eli's mango nectar. Religious institutions get zero scrutiny from the IRS, and they don't have to tell anybody what they're doing with their fucking donations. So who the hell even knows how much Christian charity actually goes to charity? But we can tell you exactly how much of the money we raised for modest needs went to charity. Hell,

we have to by law. It's filed publicly, And yet those motherfuckers want to lecture us about generosity. So there you go, religion. I found a positive effect you have on the world. Your bigotry can inspire people to be better. The fact that you're arrogant enough to believe that the very act of kindness somehow belongs to you can motivate the victims of your prejudice to be not just better than you, but better than they already were. Hell, while we're on the subject, and since I'm bragging about our generosity anyway, I should also point out that your half-assed apologetics offer us an opportunity to hone our critical thinking skills, and your avarice towards minority groups motivates us to lobby

for laws that protect them. So I guess what I'm saying is that in pretty much every way, the silver lining of religion is its absence. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the Crandomai Raz Heath and Wright Heath. Are you ready to bury the lead? I'm ready like Chris Cuomo. Bury that story.

Topical ones. Incidentally, in the interest of journalistic integrity, my brother is an asshole. I would not be surprised at all if he sexed. I'd be more surprised if he didn't sexually harass people, to be perfectly honest with you. There you go. I'm an only child, but, you know,

fuck Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo. So, there you go. In our lead story tonight, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton and Satan, the Prince of Darkness. They they never really got anywhere with Epsilon, Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda, Mu, Nu and Xi. Mostly just exploding beakers, new chalkboards. But it looks like they nailed it with Omicron. So we're already getting a new batch of idiots scream crying about Jewish lizard aliens

and lightning bug enzymes into any microphone they can find. And when lightning bug enzymes are involved, you know what that means, Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. That's right. There were lightning bug enzymes and it's a Christian freakout. And as usual, one of the outfreakers was Dr. Asterisk Stella Emanuel.

But unlike her normal homicidal lying, this time around, her unhinged rant was accidentally helpful to the world. Yeah. She announced that Christian people who get vaccinated can still ask God to cast out the evil medicine afterwards. It's like we tricked her stupidities into fighting each other to the death or something. That was awesome. There'll be death, yeah. Quick background on Stella Emanuel, in case anyone missed it. She is America's favorite doctor, asterisk, trademark, who starred in a video last year

promoted by Donald Trump all about anti-vaxxer bullshit and hydroxychloroquine and masks are fake. She's also a world expert on demon sperm. And of course the gynecological complications that arise from having dreams about demon sperm. I, by the way, I'm also equally a world expert on that.

See, yeah, it's on his card tied. And we talked about her a few weeks ago when she announced that Satan created a clone army to murder all the anti-vaxxers. Little did she know the army is called COVID, the virus, and it's working. Well, here's the latest from Emanuel. Quote, if you've taken this vaccine, there is a way out.

If you repent and cry out to God for mercy, he will deliver you. When it's Luciferifer when it's the devil it can be cast out in the name of jesus yeah it's weird how confident they are that god can protect them from covid and how scared they are that he can't handle the imaginary lucifer race in the vaccine so that all happened on the pete santilli show which is Who the Fuck Cares? But I did truly enjoy watching the clip from the Who the Fuck Cares show. Because, first of all, Pete Santilli can't understand a word of what Stella Emanuel is saying. She has a bit of an accent. So this old white guy, he's just doing a blank stare the entire time.

And he occasionally thinks her rant might be over when there's a pause and he tries to talk. But then it's not over. And he gets a little bit angrier each time he starts to come in and he stops. I don't know what you're saying. I can't. It's just a pause. Okay. She keeps going.

Also, there's a logo in the bottom right corner for frank speech that's the mike lindell social media site apparently it works now it's his site that's themed around mostly ethnic slurs and pillow sales and my favorite part there's a chiron for stella emmanuel that says, Frontline Doctor and Demon Slayer. Demon Slayer. That's her official title. I wish I could make Christianity selectively true just long enough for her to actually have to back that shit up. Fight a fucking demon, Stella.

If it turned out we were wrong and we were destined to burn in hellfire for eternity, it would be worth it if the way I found out was watching stella emmanuel have to fight a fucking demon that would be totally where i will i will happily happily convert to whatever religion i'll do the rituals yes and in nutflix news tonight in the diatribe for episode 455 i talked a little bit about the christ church in moscow idaho as a way of kind of reminding our listeners which Moscow should scare them the most when it comes to American elections. Well, thanks to an expose this week in The Guardian, I feel the need to bring them up yet again. Hell, Heath might as well start giving their senior leaders Chris Berman-esque nicknames because they're campaigning hard to be regulars on the show.

names because they're campaigning hard to be regulars on the show. They must think we still do 30 seconds on the clock or something because this latest story is about them trying to sneak into the mainstream by financing a cartoon on Netflix about kid ninjas.

Teenage intelligent designed ninja turtles. It's going to be awesome. Why are there still ninja turtles idiots no fuck that retract it you don't get my puns that's not for you right that was you don't even get that yeah that none or you also don't get 30 seconds on the clock so a quick refresher here not because episode 455 is the distant past or anything but more because it's terrifying and needs to be talked about a lot christ church has damn near taken over the city of moscow it's a bit of a stretch to say they're installing a theocracy there but it's not hyperbolic at all

to say that they are trying to it's a bit of a hell they've said that they're trying to yeah i don't know maybe not even they've gotten church leaders elected hired or appointed to keep positions throughout the town. And where they can't take over entirely, they build religious alternatives to the secular services like, you know, the college. Yep. And their national clout has swelled quite a bit in the last year, thanks to their vociferous opposition to COVID restrictions, including increasingly common calls for violence. calls for violence it's also led by one douglas wilson who's claimed to fame until recently was authoring a book about how southern slavery was actually way nicer than historians make it out to be yeah that's dougie wills by the way whoop that's real that book you just said yeah he wrote

a book that said slavery is ethical if you do it nicely like in the bible it's in the bible it must be good it can't be a sin because it's in the bible he really said that and the next like 10 years after that book was christian leaders being like hey doug bring it in you're fucking up our thing man you want to walk that back whenever you get a chance next time you do a fucking media appearance just walk it back a little bit nope no i would not like to walk it back he went on a bunch of media appearances was like no specifically i will not walk that back jerry falwell had to try to be the voice of reason with this guy that's insane and dog wilson was like no no i did not mean it was okay back then in bible times i mean literally right now i think slavery can be good right now i'm going to take

over a city it's going to be great yeah also and my version of christianity should be in charge of the country yeah so now look of course extremist pastor in the middle of flyover country that wants to overthrow the government that's not particularly newsworthy typical oh i think that's idaho state reptile what makes this one so notable though boring doug you're boring yeah well but so what makes this one notable though is how effective they seem to be at insinuating themselves into the mainstream now partly that's because the republican party has elevated the lunatic fringe to the point where all of them are closer to the mainstream than ever before but part of it is also because of their successful

publishing branch see this church includes a number of loosely affiliated llcs that all trace back to doug wilson and his immediate family and one of those is a publisher called canon press which publishes a series of children's books authored by wilson's son nathan called hello ninja well now there's a four season series based on on those books on Netflix with Nathan Wilson listed as executive producer. Yikes. Now, I'm sorry if I made you tie some yarn to some pushpins there, but the key here is that Netflix has partnered with an anti-government, anti-vax, young earth creationist prepper church to make children's entertainment. Yeah. Also, Hello Ninja is a stupid fucking name.

Yeah. That's dumb. It implies a really bad ninja. I'm just picturing a ninja like ninja-ing along and somebody's like Hello Ninja and they're just like, what? Fuck! God damn it. I'm not. Why did I even buy this thing? You can't see me.

Now, to be clear, this ninja show, it's not religious. It doesn't promote creationism or anti-vax conspiracies or anything. But in a lot of ways, that's making it scarier to me. Yeah. Right. Because, A, it leads to unsuspecting people financing the church's diabolical goals. And, B, it gives them a foot in the door by giving them power over characters that kids of any religion might fall in love with.

giving them power over characters that kids of any religion might fall in love with. You know, I think we all know that there's an age where kids would suffocate their parents in the night if their favorite cartoon characters suggested it. Yeah. Unrelated, just nothing. Does Brett Kavanaugh have any little kids? What's his situation? Moving on. Amy Coney Barrett?

Andrew just cuts in to give us a quick lecture on stare decisis or or something anyway this story is is more about sounding the alarm than anything else like these motherfuckers are terrifying and they're getting more terrifying by the day i'm sure we're going to hear more from the christ church and the wilson family soon hell if nothing else we're going to be devoting an episode to them over on god awful movies if they can ever get their creationist nature documentary crowdfunded seriously yeah and as much as i hate to say it i'm pretty sure they can god i hope they do i mean that's like at least a waste of their money in a less dangerous way than most of the shit they do okay yeah yeah and and also we'll we'll have some fun with it so while we contemplate that horror that awaits us we'll take a break for a word from this week's sponsor,

ZipRecruiter. Hey, Noah. What you doing there? Oh, hey, Heath. I'm just trying to write this ad. Eli's under the weather, so I had to take that over. And I got to say, it's way harder than he makes it look. Well, I guess we could just hire somebody to write the ads, right?

Are you kidding me? Do you know how hard it is to hire people right now? What with the somehow controversial push for living wages across the board to even get anybody's attention now you have to offer like pet insurance and identity theft protection right right well why not try zip recruiter oh you mean the online hiring platform that what's zip recruiter you might ask when after i said that? I didn't, but I might. Yeah, sure. What's ZipRecruiter? It's the smartest way to hire.

And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find and match the right candidates with your job. Then, they proactively present those candidates to you. Okay, so when you say powerful,

you're measuring that in... Watts, I'm guessing? Okay. Ergs per second? Anyway, you can easily review recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply, which encourages them to apply faster. It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter

is the number one rated hiring site in the US based on G2 ratings. Wow, that sounds great, actually. And now you can try ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site in the U.S. based on G2 ratings. Wow, that sounds great, actually. And now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Awesome. So you're going to use it to hire a backup, Eli?

No, you know, it turns out that if you just wait around a few minutes, sometimes Eli's work just does itself. Huh, nice. Never mind. And next up in headlines, we have possibly my new favorite Christian lunatic story of all time. I mean like a Christian lunatic telling a long story. I think it's my favorite.

And there's so much competition for that title. Right. I have my finger on the pulse of Christian lunatic stories, like professionally. So does Noah. It's a weird job we have. Yeah. And End Times preacher Sharon Gilbert has taken over the number one spot. During an episode of the Jim Baker show last week,

she managed to out-crazy Jim fucking Baker and the entire panel of people who appear on the Jim Baker show for their jobs. So here's the quick version of the story. I pieced this together as best I could. According to Gilbert, an alien from outer space that's also possibly a reptile and or a gargoyle and or a

king of Persia tried to dress up as her husband and have sex with her, which would have been a big problem if she was not familiar with the teachings of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. So happy end and now it's no big deal yeah she's like yeah oh no yeah plenty of atemporal royal alien reptiles want to fuck but you don't know them they're from persia but uh persian so normally we get these christian prophets saying some ridiculous thing and i'll watch the video i'll pull out a few of my favorite quotes from that appearance but this time my favorite quotes from that appearance.

But this time, my favorite quotes are just about every single word she said. It's bananas. So buckle the fuck in. Here's the story from Sharon Gilbert, our new champion. Quote, after Derek and I got married, that's her husband.

After Derek and I got married, one night, this other Derek appears in our bed the real derek is lying down next to me other derek sits right up out of it it startled me i knew that was not derek and so i asked this critter who are you because he clearly wanted to have sexual relations. This is verbatim what Eli would have said if it had been like him dressed as Sharon Gilbert. I love it. So at this point, the rest of the panel is like, dude, what? Like they didn't say that, but that's what their faces all said almost exactly. But silently, they have no idea what to do at this point.

Sharon Gilbert just told these creepy Christian men that her husband and possibly some other guy tried to do outfit stuff and it went super badly, like really problematic. But she's not aware of that being the case. So they just nod along and hope for the best well it worked at least for me it's the best she continued i said to other derrick who are you and he had the nerve to claim to be ahasurus xerxes i just i love that moment and we get this so often like that that moment where the christian host realizes that they accidentally just got a garden variety crazy person instead of a liar it's fucking glorious because somewhere deep in that pained expression of theirs is this realization that they also can't tell the difference between their thing and mental illness. So no, no, they can't.

So yeah, Xerxes alien is trying to fuck her or something. So after she says Xerxes, by the way, Sharon Gilbert looks over at the panel, like she just tied it all together and it makes sense. So you guys got it. And the camera pans over.

And again, it's just blank stares of terror and confusion. And then there's a cut in the video I watched I watched a clip from right wing watch absolutely not watching this entire like two hour episode of the Jim Baker show but based on how she comes back in

she told the story of this outfit stuff thing happening several times so after the cut she continues this last time indicating that she told a bunch of these stories already this last time i knew he was really desperate again she's talking about xerxes the king of persia just there he was really desperate at this point i asked him again who are you he told me the same answer and i said i'm not going with you. Finally, I said, I've had enough.

I reached up, I grabbed his face, and I said, you are a liar, and Jesus is real. There's no indication that Xerxes contradicted that at any point, but that's what she said whilst grabbing his face. Whatever. Continuing again. point but that's what she said whilst grabbing his face whatever continuing again i pulled that face off and beneath it was a reptile and he had little creatures with him this time what he brought these little halfling creatures and they looked like i don't know gargoyles so beneath that the face of derrick was a reptilian serpentine creature probably similar to what was visiting the anasazi what the fuck is happening her husband comes out his face

is all bandaged for the last time those halflings are our kids, Sharon. They're our kids. And everybody looks creepy underneath their face. You ripped my face off. It was fucked up, man. So I'm sure everyone completely understood what was happening there. But I want to add a bit more context just to be clear about how it works on the Jim Baker show. Because this is the important thing. This is how they're evil. They're not just liars and crazy and stupid.

They're evil. They listen to this whole thing. The panel listens to her whole story, still terrified and baffled at the end, obviously. But then Jim Baker, there's a pause and he's just like, all right, well, this is why everyone needs to buy my DVD.

It's called The Great Delusion and it tells you all about how to understand alien stuff in the proper biblical paradigm that is very important. And then the panel guy next to him is like, yeah, lots of Christian people have to deal with aliens, of course. And if they haven't studied

up with a DVD like this, they might get sexually abused. That's why this is important. And then this exact words, he says, this is really important stuff for our day to day as Christians. Our day to day. Yeah. You know, you sometimes you got to deal with the fucking aliens. He's trying to fuck you with his reptile face.

Yeah. Gargoyle. Gargoyle Wrangler. Get the DVD. But yeah, only one easy payment of $ face. Yeah. Gargoyle. Gargoyle Wrangler. Get the DVD. Yeah. Only one easy payment of $9.99. And finally tonight in Nebraska

stupid question news. It's time to check in once again with Nebraska preacher self-proclaimed prophet and midway point between Ray Romano and Fred Flintstone

Hank Kuhneman. Right. Yeah. You may remember Kuhneman for repeatedly insisting that Trump was going to be reinstated as president any damn minute now, or maybe for threatening to smite people who pointed out how wrong that was with leprosy. Or maybe you remember him from that time when he blamed school shootings on abortion demons.

Well, he made it back on our radar this week with an impromptu mid-sermon history lesson that was just about as accurate as his election prophecies and his leprosy threats according to kuhneman there's no such thing as separation of church and state because a number of preachers signed the declaration of independence i mean yeah just to be clear the number of preachers who signed the declaration of independence has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on how separate church and state are also that number is one yeah also a number of preachers signed everything that's been signed ever it's either zero or a higher number every time even the things that haven't been signed really yep zero in that case yeah also for like the eight schmigzlillion time, the Declaration of Independence is not the Constitution.

Those are different. It doesn't have any laws in it. There are two different things. You can tell because they're made of different words. A type of government or anything. No. So, yeah, this story actually starts pretty good, right? It's about Hank getting super bummed because too few Christians are willing to follow him out further on the trump won the election ledge and too many of them wish

he would shut the fuck up about politics so he complained that people often told him political subjects don't belong in church to which kuhneman responds quote then where do you really think you're going to hear the truth about the culture or about what's happening in our government you haven't heard it from the news so let's grow up and realize that there was never a separation between church and state that is not what our founding fathers intended in fact the signing of the declaration of independence was many preachers that caused themselves to come together that got together man and get involved in politics end quote okay they came together to declare independence from a country with a state religion it's fine it's fine also just to review hank

kuhneman said news is all fake you need to get it from church then he said something like kids are always lecturing me about governmental structures they should cut it out because it's mean i'm a grown-up yep right so to be clear here by many preachers he means john witherspoon a 53 year old scottish-american slave owner who served as a delegate to the second continental congress from new jersey he was the only active clergyman that signed the Declaration of Independence, and he was outnumbered three to one by people listed as scientists. Oh, John Witherspoon's New Jersey. Yeah.

Oh, there you go. Put that in, Morgan. Also, separation of church and state is enshrined in the first clause of the first sentence of the First Amendment. It's right there at the beginning. It's a lot of firsts. Literally every single reputable legal scholar agrees that there was always separation of church and state and that that is what the founding

fathers intended tautologically right like you can't be a reputable legal scholar and disagree with that it's not even possible logically but even if we set aside those four ways that you're already wrong it doesn't fucking matter what the founding fathers wanted none right they wanted motherfucking slaves so congratulations on hitting this exponent hank you may very well be the week's wrongest person and that's in the same week that we had the alien xerxes reptile stalker lady. Alright, and since there's really nowhere to go from alien Xerxes reptile stalker lady callback, I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks

as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Eli is suddenly going to be here with no explanation like that isn't weird. You know, I saw on Tuesday that Facebook was trying to raise $8 million for charity this year, and I thought, wow, that's weird because I'm pretty sure that they're more than 20 times our size. And yes, with your help, our community was able to raise more than $400,000 for charity in November. And to help us celebrate and or start working off the debt. We're joined once again by Tom and Cecil of the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast.

Tom, Cecil, welcome back. Thanks for having us. The money made me do it. Yeah, sure as hell did, right? All right. So before we start on the roasting, we would like to mention some amazing people who just gave us money to charity for no reason, asked nothing in return. Big thanks to Paul S., Jen and Chris, Lee F, Matt M, and Dean S.

And also Wilson, Megan and Ben, Trent B, David M, and Eric G. And Elizabeth D, Jonathan G, Mary D, Kendra, and Dave B. Okay, kind of feels like they're undercutting our whole thing, right? Like, just name a person you hate. How hard is that to name a person you hate? That's like 30 minutes of my morning routine. Right? I just list my enemies. Thank you. Yes what you're all being weird you hate people come on you we know you fucking

hate don't lie but fine yes also thanks to esteban brandon n steve v ashton and bloody wanker and uh bloody wanker by the way would really like it if someone would say their name in a british accent bloody wanker they're okay here you go i appreciate you guys sounded even worse than me there all right we all did it let's get roasting here and with thanksgiving be it just last week it seems like we should start with all the friends and family that we hate eli you're up first joe would like a roast of his stepdad, Larry. Yeah, so apparently Larry is like a great guy.

He just refuses to go to the doctor, even when he falls off a horse and paralyzes his eye and gets brain bleed. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? Larry, listen to me. You're an adult wearing overall, so I'm sure you were in a war. Don't finish the job Jerry started and go to a goddamn doctor.

All right, buddy? And if you don't and you're not going to go to a doctor, may I suggest policy genius so that Joe doesn't care as much? Just make it a little easier. Well, there you go. One way or the other, you can solve the problem. All right, Cecil, Michael wants some spite for his cousin, Sean. How strange is it that Sean is a QAnon, Alex Jones, Trump 2024 anti-media guy,

and he's dressed like a newsie? You look like a spokesperson for vaginal dryness or like an alternative semen delivery system. The spokesperson for a forever alone phone service in cellular. Head of the Daily Wire. Something like that. Alright, Heath, you're up next. Derek with like a roast of his terrible father, Don.

Oh, yeah. Okay, so Don looks like a convicted sex offender. Okay. And is that. He is a convicted, in fact, sex offender. Oh, wow. He has the mustache and sideburns strap thing with no chin beard. That's all gone. Nice.

He had it all, but then he had a Wile E. Coyote accident on the bottom of his face only. So, apparently the people in his town had to deal with fucking Chester Alan Arthur going around door to door, which is terrifying, but he wasn't selling cure all tonic for just a nickel it was way fucking worse than that

he's molester Alan Arthur seriously Derek you need to make that a thing you need to say that all you need to make sure he hears about that all right Tom I got one for you William would like a roast of his ex-brother-in-law Corey now God Corey is a goddamn snooze.

Corey's described as a guy who peaked in high school. But I would argue that a series of descending plateaus really have no peaks. I mean, technically, I guess some of those spots may be higher than others. But still, I'm hard-p pressed to call any of them peaks. Corey, the real reason people tell you don't peak in high school is because then there's nothing left to aspire to. And you'll lead a life devoid of accomplishment, meaning for the many, many decades your body continues to begrudgingly accommodate being you. accommodate being you i mean it is that but it's also because your peak should at least be a moment in time that matters rather than a brief and unfortunate pit stop of your educational adolescence holy shit cory do you know what happens when real grown-ups start to tell a story

of that thing that they did in high school i don't because none of the grown-ups i know care to tell a fucking high school memory any more than grown-ups i know care to tell a fucking high school memory any more than grown-ups actually want to hear that nonsense you simpering irrelevance i would tell you to grow up cory but i don't actually care if you do guard your fucking lunch table jealously until the day you die you pathetic fucking loser nobody has wanted to sit with you for years good lord all right no what back to you so mean daniel wants your personal brand of hate for his soon-to-be ex and becky yeah when i first read soon-to-be ex and i thought maybe daniel was confessing to a crime in advance but no no it turns out that after years of psychological abuse an effort to have him institutionalized

and futile efforts to frame him for various crimes his uncle finally wised up enough to file for a divorce and by no means am i trying to blame the victim here but based on the picture her everyday walking around smile is the same one that you and i would reserve for the part where we revealed that was not pot roast. They had been eating this whole time. Right. She looks like the kind of person who's been mad at children for laughing. Yeah.

I made you eat your parents. That's the face. Yeah, that's it. All right. Cecil and Eli, we've got another combo request for you two. And since we're all family here, we're going to close out the friends and family section with this one.

Flynn would like best friends Eli and Cecil to roast one another at the same time. We are best friends. I don't like Eli's face. Okay, maybe not simultaneously. Cecil, you already mentioned Eli's unlikable face and you have the floor. Eli Bosnick is like if To Catch a Predator had a mascot.

But like a chubby one that got too out of breath, run into his car, so they always caught him. Like super easily. Like he's doubled over with a cramp at the first floor. He's breathing so hard he can't talk, and he's just waving his hands in surrender and then he dislocates his shoulder somehow and then he throws up and needs to take a shit

yep yep all right so last year i was asked to roast cecil and some people not gonna name names said i went too easy on him so that was me you know what i'm gonna say it i don't think he's that good at sword karate. I mean, Cecil, I get it. You do well at sword karate club because you're facing

the night of the black forest cake or whatever. Exactly. But if you think I'm wrong, you just name the time, the place, and the number on Patreon. Oh my God.

I will cover that number whatever you're about to say. The number on Patreon is 10,000 per episode on Citation Needed. Sold. But I absolutely, you're absolutely right. It's not even a roast.

That's the truth. It's 100% the truth. All right, so we're going to move on to some concepts and or things that are deserving of derision. Tom, we're going to start with you. Sarah would like you to go after bullshit coffee culture. Oh my God, yes. Look, coffee is bitter anger water to start with you sarah would like you to go after uh bullshit coffee culture oh my god yes look coffee is bitter anger water that we pretend that we pretend to like because we can't take a decent

shit over the age of 30 or stay awake at a meeting after 9 15 without who's up at 9 15 you can pour it over roast your brains just so all you want, but it's fragrant brown aspirin, and we all know it. If you like it, that's fine, but the more elitist you get about your morning laxative, the more everyone knows you have nothing else to do or contribute other than a never

ending saga of your own obsession with banal minutia. You're so boring, you are the reason I drink coffee. How dare he? Love coffee. Bitter anger water is the best solution to coffee.

Alright, Heath, I've got one for you here. Brian would like a roast of his wife's breast cancer. Whoa. Fun. Cool. This will be fun. Yeah. So, uh, Brian, this is Brian, by the way, friend of the show. Hey, Brian. What's up? Hey, Brian. Brian also donated last time around, and

we roasted the fetus growing inside his wife. Those were his words. Well, uh, that fetus worked out great, we're told. His email was super gloaty at this point, to be honest. but now there's something way worse growing in there so the gloating stopped i guess that was nice

and brian sent us a picture with labels to make the whole situation clear to us his wife is holding hands with a little kid labeled previous growth oh jesus christ god damn it over the left part of her chest labeled current growth good work brian breast cancer is funny you've done it but i think breast cancer needs a little more comedic awareness so um hey breast cancer grab a knee cool lock it in you're right next to the previous growth she's right there fucking read the room man you're like the best man doing his first open mic during the reception of the wedding you're at just full of ethnic material the weddings for an interracial couple it's going real bad and then you try to murder someone on top of all that literally murder someone if you don't know

how to write an ending to your bit just go ahead and die like eli right in the end of a sketch it's lazy yes but everyone's happy and i can move on to the actual content. It's good stuff. There you go. Brutal. Running bit. And Noah, you're up. We do this antagonism bit. I'm not bullying Eli right now. I feel like that's understood, but it's impossible

to punch down at Eli for humor. It's literally physically impossible. That is punching up everybody. He makes me tell you guys I'm okay, but it hurts me so much. Eli just spends all his entire record blinking. He's just blinking the whole time. He's not okay. And Noah, you're up next.

Ilan wants a roast of ivermectin as a COVID cure. I'd love to, but you know know what i'm coming around on that one look if you're dumb enough to believe that big pharma is hiding the truth about preventative regimens of ivermectin you know that you can go pick off the ivermectin trees growing in your so that they can keep selling you the free annual vaccine booster i don't want you in my gene pool anymore than i want you in my regular pool so yeah if you're convinced at

this point that ivermectin is the best thing for you so am i all right eli michael wants to hear about your most hated sleight of a hand technique. I like it. Long tail marketing. All right. Hey, hey, magicians, stop doing the glide. Nobody holds cards like that. Nobody takes cards like that. None of this is.

And even if they did, everyone knows that fucking trick. I could literally start doing it right now here on this Skype call. And I'm going to be like, oh, it's the thing where you slap the hand. Lay out three rows of seven cards like a good grandpa and then roll those cards up and fuck yourself with them. All right, Cecil, you're going to close out the concept round here. We're going to get a little meta. Chris would like you to roast the concept of roasting.

It's almost like someone invented roasting on a dare. What's the least conductive thing in the kitchen we can use to cook something? That's the most conductive thing in the kitchen we can use to cook something? That's the most inefficient method, man. Frying adds fat. Batter sear. Grilling adds char. Braising is cooking in a flavorful liquid. Hell, even boiling

cooks quickly, but roasting? What do you add? Air? Come on, man. I want to cook something, but I want you to shake the molecules around it in a high temperature game of I'm not touching you. Get the fuck out of here. Roasting. I'm so bad at roasting.

We found Cecil's passion. We found everybody. Just end it now. All right. Well, that's the buzzer. It means it's time for another spightning round. for another spightening row. The category is self-deprecation, but the requests

are for self-roasts from other people because, you know, self-deprecation is more fun when you're doing it to somebody else. Sure is. So with the holidays coming up, I want you to tell me what shitty topic of conversation you'll need to deflect when these people corner you at the holiday

party. Heath, we're going to start off with David. Alright. Well, okay're going to start off with David. All right. Well, okay, I'm looking at this picture. He's clearly on a mountain with those gross fucking tight shorts and his bike. Yeah, David's coming in hard with anti-chafing techniques for mountain biking, the ones that don't work, the ones that do. Also, he's just talking about mountain biking in general. Either way, fucking smoke bomb, run away.

Parachute. All right, next we have Nick. Tom, you're up. All right, we're going to have to deflect yet another ham-fisted attempt by Nick for us to reassure him that he really does look good in that scarf cum ascot. But Nick, it looks like a cum ascot. It looks like a pearl necklace from three dozen men who all have more sexual energy and charisma than you do because they aren't wearing a fake fucking ascot, you twat. All right, I'll take Christopher A., who said he's finally learned to take himself less seriously.

And that's good because there are few people in the world even capable of taking you less seriously. So that's impressive. And if he cornered me at the holiday party, I'm probably going to avoid conversation about many-penised kaiju. Cecil, what conversation are you deflecting from Marshall? Oh, I won't have to do much. Have you met Marshall? He's a full-time photographer with a history in fashion and product photography. Oh, yep. His head's up his own ass. My work is done here. And Eli, you've got Harley. Look, I can hang out with almost any

dungeon master, but you just know this dude's going to be four sentences into his defense of Thacko before I excuse myself to take a 45-minute shit. But Harley, Harley, if it makes you feel better, I really will be taking that shit. And it really was a better system for wizards.

Alright, excellent spightening. Now it's time for some of our favorite requests. These lovely people gave us full autonomy with our hatred. Heath, you're up first. This one is for Colin. Roast whoever you want. Dealer's choice. Love it. Okay. So I just moved into a new place.

And if I grab the wrong side of my kitchen cabinet doors one more goddamn time, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I have stubbed my fingers so many times. That's not even a thing. I stub fingers and then I'm by myself in an apartment yelling at a cabinet angry so angry and how am i gonna get wrong way more than half the time it's not even possible you're like the usba of fucking fuck all right tom you're up next dealer's choice from andrew l okay hey everybody who's got nothing

up their fucking sleeves but a bunch of criticism without a single goddamn idea on how anything can be done better you're worse than fucking useless the easiest goddamn thing in the world is to see the problem but if your solution isn't any better than the one in place then all you've contributed to the conversation is the power to observe your own lack of creative problem solving. Nobody needs you here. Just keep your mouth shut if you can't add anything to the conversation. Your idea of a contribution is to do the easiest part of the job and then imagine you're sitting at the top of some great intellectual pyramid. Fuck you if you can't roll up your sleeves and make some mistakes fixing things or even making them worse occasionally. Your observational hot takes

only get in the way of those of us who are actually wiping the sweat from our fucking brow and doing the work. You're not helpful. And every time you open your mouth to offer a critique that isn't followed by and here's a solution we can try, everyone around you is tuning you out forever.

Okay, Noah, back to you. Rose, anything you hate, compliment to Sarah. Well, if I knew you were doing me, I would have done you out forever. Okay, Noah, back to you. Rose, anything you hate, compliment to Sarah. Well, if I knew you were doing me, I would have done you, Tom. But instead, I will go with people, you know,

I'm going to go with people who underappreciate the dedication to craft that it took to make a Truscan-style gold-granulated jewelry and instead scoff at the very notion

that ancient people might have been better thanoff at the very notion that ancient people might have been better than us at an artistic craft that they dedicated their entire lives to mastering that nobody's really focused on for centuries, using nothing for justification but the unspoken bigotry that assumes ancient cultures were too dumb to do anything better

than we modern folk. That's right. Oh, Captain, my Captain! That's right. Captain, my captain. That's amazing. Their whole life was like 12 years. Holy shit. They're all like 4'2 and they died at 12.

Check it out now. All right, Cecil, free reign. Thanks to Rupeet. Okay. You know what? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is? It's not a quote from Albert Einstein about insanity.

It's Comcast. Many fucking times do I have to unplug my router. And then you'll send a guy that unplugs my router, and then he looks at it and says he needs to call another guy who will unplug my router and then look at it. Every time I deal with you, I feel like I'm in a fucking time loop movie. And then when I tweet at your Twitter bot,

it asks me if I reset my fucking router, man. Cecil. I have Comcast now. They tried to send me the other router guy. I was like, do not send anybody to my goddamn house. I'm going to figure it out. That's not helpful.

It's the worst. How about just put a button on it that does the unplug thing. Right? Just do. That would be so much. I wouldn't have to move shit to get to the fucking. All right. No kidding.

I know you have a button there. It's a computer. You flip it and then flip it back on. You wait 15 seconds. Right? Fuck you. And their automated system that pretends like it's typing while it's talking. Fuck you.

You're not real. I know you're not a real person. You're not fooling anybody. Oh, and that silence, that 15 seconds of silence where you feel compelled to make small talk with the first... So, how's the weather in wherever you

pretended to be from that isn't India? It's nice there? Hey, tell me what you just typed. What did you just type? What did you type? Alright, and I guess we have to let Eli have a completely unconstrained choice me what you just typed. What did you just type? What did you type? All right. And I guess we have to let Eli have a completely unconstrained choice right now, too. So technically, this will be Jesse's fault. All right.

I'm going to go from this little side angle on this one. Fuck the new Beatles special. Really? On Disney Plus. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. My whole life, the back of my brain reminds me the artist i'm not

and you know what that did not need eight hours of a 22 year old fucking lulu luing his way to get back yes are you fucking kidding me i spent hours i missed my son's first steps and i came up with what if carl the bug ofekocorn was in the show? And then I gotta watch these assholes for eight hours and be like, I don't know, what if it was like, hey, buh-buh, nah, we'll figure it the fuck out. Fuck you. Fuck you. You leave genius

in the dark because if it shines too brightly, it will burn me away like the end of fucking sunshine. We'll figure it out on stage. All right. So that's going to bring us to our biggest donors of the year. So we're going to go full on dog pile.

First up, we have Sarah J. who wants a roast of the new Omicron variant of COVID and character voices were specifically encouraged for this one. All right. I'm sorry.

I don't have any voices. So to say that the Omicron variant sounds like the title to a very bad apocalypse movie that went straight to VHS in the mid 80s. And that's because we are living through a very bad apocalypse movie that went straight to reality in the early 20s. So true, man.

All right, I have one character I do. Hello, everyone. It's's me inside out little girl and i just want to say oh you killed me what up nerds sarah huckabee sanders here okay i kind of thought you were gonna like woo or something like when kellyy comes out, Christina Applegate. Do you want to do it now? There we go.

Great, great. So I'm supposed to roast the Omicron variant, but kind of seems like a good thing to me. We actually have a lot in common. Extremely tough exterior carapace that's very sticky. We've both been described by a very frightened Anthony Fauci as a mutated Frankenstein monster.

And we both helped stop brown people from coming here. So what's not to love? Yikes. Took a hard turn there. Well done, sir. Hey, y'all. Hillbilly God here.

I saw how much y'all love my coronavirus that I made up last year. Y'all were lining up at church to get it. So I whipped up a new one. It's called Omicron. Oh, you don't want the coronavirus. Okay. Well, I mean, that's up to y'all. Well, I'll tell you what.

If one of y'all get it, and you pray really, really hard, and you skip breakfast, and you pray some more, and you get proper medical attention, I may or may not help you. All right. Now, you listen to me, fucking unicorn. I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg. And if I had been on those T-cells,

there wouldn't be no fucking candy corn berry. So you better watch your fucking back because as soon as I'm done with my 4.30 a.m. prayer slash workout, I'm coming for you. I'm coming for you harder than I came for Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, Jesus. All right. This is one of my favorite requests of all time

derrick b wants us to roast video game water levels oh fuck uh sorry guys i know you're waiting on me here but um i wouldn't hold your breath no all right uh funny story when shigeru miyamoto made one three on super mario brothers a water level he did it because he figured that would be relaxing and then he took a little cocaine to help him sleep for fuck's sake video games you notice how people love platformers and waterers isn't even a fucking category take a goddamn hint water levels are the hand jobs of video game levels. Thank you. They're not what you signed up for. They're not even that fun.

But you're already invested this much time in the whole thing, so you might as well. And when you finish, you probably don't even feel like playing anymore. Hey, water levels. Nobody needs a reminder of our fragile mortality during video game time. Oh, hey, are you having fun exploring the planet Starshine after a fairy turned her baby into a cannon to get you there? Well, don't stay under the water for more than 10 seconds or the blackness of death will take you.

Why don't you just give Samus fucking IBS while you're at it? Fuck! I actually like the water levels. Oh, fuck. You're the worst. Did you say asbestos? Yeah. I actually like the water. Oh, fuck. You're the worst. I'm the worst. Did you say asbestos? Yeah.

I'm a frog suit man. I like the frog suit. It's fun. Yeah, no, the frog suit's good. Are we saying hand jobs are bad too? Just circling back. Yeah. No, they're the last thing on the menu.

They're not the thing you pick on the menu. If there's other things on the menu. Yeah, no, you're right. i enjoy knee better i enjoy yep foot forehead all right so that's going to bring us to a very special request by listener thomas s he would like a roast of andrew yang and we're going to close it out lightning round style. Fast and hateful, go. Oh, stupid platform. Dumb platform. Went on Gutfield.

Gross. I want to flick his eye. I want to flick him in the eye. Dumb hair. He's bad at... I pass. Not like that. We're not racing.

Guys, relax. Sorry. Sorry. I thought it was... I'm going to hide some asbestos in Heath's lens. No, I got that. So, Tom, let's have you start us off. All right, you know, Andrew Yang wanted to give everyone guaranteed income

so when the machines take over the world, we have enough money for our canned protein slurry, I guess. Then he had no other plans. So weird he didn't win. I mean, that was the whole thing. Right, no, the man's platform wasn't just everybody gets a pony, it was everybody gets a monthly pony. He's

stupidity disguised as, you know, he's the Joe Rogan of presidential camp. Like a monthly Lego pony. Andrew Yang said he was going to start a third party. Hey, Andrew, there is already a third and a fourth party And the fact that you didn't pay attention to them

Is reason enough not to start a new one Also you're not cool and edgy And a man of the people because you're a millionaire Who doesn't wear a fucking tie That's nothing It's because you don't have a neck That's why you don't wear a tie We That's why you don't wear a tie. We all know why you don't wear a tie.

Everyone's got a neck on this show. The tie would either be around your chin or around your upper arms constricting your entire torso. You look like a turtle got stuck in down position. Yeah, Andrew Yang's catchphrase was, Asians are good at math,

but I guess that didn't apply to poll numbers, did it? Oh, no. All right. With one more huge thanks to poll numbers, did it? Yes. Oh, no. All right. With one more huge thanks to all the donors that helped us reach our goal, our stretch goal,

and our stretch stretch goal of $400,000. We're going to wrap up for the night. There are still plenty more rows to come, though, here and on Cognitive Dissonance. Tom Cecil,

thanks again for all your help. Thanks for having us, man. Thanks so much for having us, man. Thanks so much for having us, man. Before we lower the portcullis tonight, I want to let those of you desperate for the return of atheist conventions know that registration just opened up for Free Flow, the biennial convention from the Florida Humanist Association. It's taken place in Orlando, Florida, over the first weekend of March in 2022. I'm going to be there along with Mandisa Thomas, Alison Gill, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews,

and a lot more. We'll have links in the show notes to find more information. And if you need a little extra motivation, I should add that they're holding it on my birthday and I will be accepting cupcakes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait, that won't be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday and an even newer episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend God, awful movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern

on Wednesday. Obviously, this wouldn't rise to the level of full-blown episode of Uncollected to thank Heath Enright for having a strong enough immune system to participate in the entire show this week. I need to thank Eli Bosnick half as much, and I want to thank Lucinda Lusions for still loving me, despite the fact that I'm such an asshole, I give Eli shit for having the flu,

even though this is probably the first time that he's been too sick to record an episode in the six years plus that we've been podcasting together. And even this is something I had to ask him to take off. I need to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for doing so much to make the fundraiser a success. I need to thank all the donors one more time for making us look good. Also want to thank Celtic King three, four,

five for this week's Farnsworth quote. You can find him on YouTube and Instagram or check the show notes for links to both. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Needs Coffee, Brent Leonard, Atheist, Stage A, Kicker Mike, David Charles, Susan, Glenn, Ray, Robin, Mark, Charlie, DJJ, Al, Jeffrey, Amanda, Christopher, James, Glenn, and Jackson, whose IQs are even higher than our vulgarity for charity totals. That's super fucking high. Together, these 23 delectable donors dug deep into their dungarees to devote a dash of their

dotard debaucherous dedication to disparaging deities this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you need a minute to financially recover from all those donations you made to Bulgarian for Charity, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode,

which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you can find all the content on the content page at skatingadius.com alright speaking to Eli I have to share this because I had this realization last night and it's irony incarnate. Eli is going to show up in the middle of this episode

unintroduced. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.