The Scathing Atheist - 464: Off the Beaten Patheos Edition

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

In this week’s episode, Wiccans will teach us to keep our hexes firmly secured in a gun safe, Aaron Rodgers challenges me to single combat in the old ways, and Anna will be here to spoil you people rotten. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Anna here: https://www.annabosnick.com/ --- Headlines: Patheos Atheist section left because the other choice was to be nice: https://religionnews.com/2022/01/04/what-happened-to-the-nonbelief-channel-at-patheos/ Christian meditation app: https://religionnews.com/2021/12/02/michael-buble-kris-jenner-invest-in-christian-mediation-app-glorify/ Link to Jonathan Jarry's article about how VAERS actually works: https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/covid-19-critical-thinking-health/dont-fall-vaers-scare-tactic Christians and Wiccans join forces in freaking out over hex-based writing prompt: https://religionnews.com/2021/12/10/witches-and-crt-critics-alike-find-fault-with-hex-prompt-in-school-districts-equity-guide/ TikTok conmen are mad because people are conning people before they get a chance to: ​​https://religionnews.com/2021/12/20/instagram-smash-and-grab-impostors-peddle-fake-psychic-and-tarot-readings/ Aaron Rodgers is even worse than we thought after the anti-vaxxer revelation: https://www.mediaite.com/sports/twitter-freaks-after-aaron-rodgers-touts-atlas-shrugged-on-espn-joe-rogan-is-making-him-dumber/

Warning, this week's episode contains fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, and by the new hiring site for Amish laborers, Hook and I Closure Recruiter. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, my name is Beth, and I've worked in the retail and customer service industry for many, many years. And, if that has taught me nothing else, it is that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's January 6th.

And the only epiphany we're celebrating is the one where you realize there is no God. There you go. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Ken DelVecchio's New Jersey. In Arbor, Michigan and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode,

Wiccans will teach us to keep our hexes firmly secured in a gun safe. Aaron Rodgers challenges me personally to single combat in the old ways. And Anna will be here to spoil you motherfuckers rotten. But first, the diatribe. One of the things that makes the God discussion between us and religious people so difficult is that people are rarely just saying the thing that convinced them. I mean, I suppose if you're an atheist that was once devoutly religious and came to atheism only after a long personal struggle, you probably just list good arguments for atheism in reverse order of how influential they were to you personally. But like

the thing that convinced me that God doesn't exist was, I mean, come on. And I know going in that that's not going to be sufficient if I'm trying to convince people I'm right. So instead, I pluck from the multitude of arguments that, though sound in my estimation, have pretty much nothing to do with why I don't believe in God. I don't believe in God because that shit is just silly, and I use logical arguments to justify that belief, but none of them are how I got there.

The same is true to a far greater degree from people going the other way though, right? So whether religious people are coming to you with the Kalam cosmological argument or why are there still monkeys, they're not talking about the way they got there. And if you think about it, we both have the same reason.

If I just talk about the reasons I actually don't believe in God, I'll embarrass them. And if they just talk about the reasons they actually do believe in God, so will they. I mean, so like, imagine that they all got the pen is blue curse from liar, liar. The most common reason for being religious would be I was indoctrinated into it before I was old enough to

doubt. After that would probably be something like I'm terrified of my own mortality and this allows me to banish those fears when they bubble up into my consciousness. After that would probably be, I want to feel more special than logic would justify. Obviously, they can't deploy any of those arguments. They can't even admit to any of those. So instead, they make up shit that sounds convincing from a religious vantage point. Of course, we then feel obligated to answer the argument that they're making, even if the whole exercise is a bit of red herring. to answer the argument that they're making, even if the whole exercise is a bit of red herring.

But the key to avoiding that distraction is remembering that this is not a phenomenon that's limited to religious discussion. In fact, I come across it pretty much every time I see anyone defending traditionalism. I mean, in a lot of ways, that's the main thing that we're up against in the atheist movement, right? We're a majority Christian nation

because historical momentum. Religion gets exemptions to laws because they've always had them. That cross is allowed in that public park because it's been there for a really long time. And when they're called upon to justify it, they have to make up arguments that sound convincing from a religious vantage point because even they know

because it's always been that way is a shit argument. Now, you can, of course, call them out for defensive traditionalism and try to shift the debate to those grounds, but what you'll more likely find yourself doing at that point is arguing about whether their argument boils down to traditionalism. Another option that I find pretty effective, though,

is to shortcut around that discussion and ask them to imagine a world where the thing they're defending doesn't exist and they're trying to justify the idea to the world for the first time. The point here isn't necessarily to get that justification, but more to force them to recognize how shitty most of their arguments are before they even make them. At the risk of going too many layers deep here, let me give you an example. I'm not a baseball fan. I don't really follow the game at all,

but I'm absolutely fascinated by the arguments surrounding robot umpires. So for those even less familiar than me, follow the game at all, but I'm absolutely fascinated by the arguments surrounding robot umpires. So, for those even less familiar than me, we have the technology now to tell exactly, precisely whether a pitch was inside the strike zone or not. Right? We can use lasers and shit and measure it to the nearest fucking femtometer, probably, if we really wanted to. And yet, Major League Baseball,

an organization that generates over three and a half billion dollars a year in revenue, chooses instead to continue the tradition of having some dude standing behind the plate going it didn't look like it got in now keep in mind that we're already using the technology this isn't theoretical at all the tv networks televising the game use it so every time the imperfect umpire gets it wrong we have definitive proof of it staring us right in the fucking face. And yet still an overwhelming number of fans resist the change to virtually perfect technology over just some guy. And the arguments they make are hilariously silly because they can't bring themselves to admit that the only real reason is resistance to change. Every single one of these arguments falls apart as soon as you imagine a world where, you know, always had laser guided precision and now you're trying to introduce the idea of a fallible dude

taking care of it instead and yet people will make those arguments as though that doesn't negate the possibility of them being right of course i'm i'm sure there are plenty of listeners now already taking up keyboards to tell me how wrong i am because people defending traditionalism are generally lying first and foremost to themselves so So if you can't handle that example, just imagine somebody waxing nostalgic about how much better going to the video store was or how something or another sounds better on vinyl and apply the same arguments to them. The point is that tradition often acts as an invisible trust to an awful lot of arguments, especially arguments about religion and culture. Its invisibility, in fact, is what makes tradition so damn powerful. And often the only way to show

people how reliant their bad arguments are on the happenstance of habit is to take that foundation away and watch them fall. Joining me for headlines tonight are the a squared b squared to my c squared heath enright and eli bosnick fellas how hard can chester a arthur fuck himself okay well he looks like he rolled under the fridge about a year ago and we just found him all the time he looks like that so fuck him not that hard he could fuck himself not that hard like he's gonna come right apart like an old blueberry if he fucks himself so you know you don't like you don't want to do that chester a arthur overdid the mutton chop in the year 1881 that's like being too racist for a trump rally yeah how yeah and with apologies to jim for missing his roast last week we got you jim we got you we'll pause for a word from this week's sponsor zip recruiter hi i'm eli bosnick. I'm Noah Lutions.

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And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, there's been a titanic shakeup in the world of atheist blogging that's really inconvenienced people who, say, rely on atheist bloggers to find good news items for their atheist podcasts. Thank you. It's the struggle for real. This is about us.

Also other people, and it all stems from the fact that atheists are just too darn mean. Specifically, the platform that hosted several of the most popular atheist bloggers in all the internet changed their editorial policy such that atheist bloggers in all the internet changed their editorial policy such that atheist bloggers could no longer say anything negative or critical about religion

in other words they had the choice to either stop talking about the subject their blogs were about or lie or of course leave which is what virtually all of them did at the end of last year okay well i'm looking forward to hearing a whole bunch of republicans speaking out in support of free speech and denouncing that platform right doing that did you guys hear it just now just hold on did you i think i heard it oh no it was nothing nothing i heard nothing i will say though one of the best parts of the atheist community is we are quick to call a bluff man patheos pushed a piece of paper across the table and we just

set the table on fire they were like okay all right right so yeah the shift started early last year with a parent company of patheos a multi-faith platform that hosted blogs from across the religious spectrum decided to stop doing that. Specifically, bloggers were told that to remain on the platform, they'd have to stop criticizing religions and instead focus on quote, how to live a good life within their own worldview, end quote.

Fuck you! Right, yeah, well, since the way to live a good life within an atheist worldview is to criticize fucking religion, it didn't work out great. In all, 15 bloggers, including a friend of the show, Hemant Mehta, elected to leave the platform altogether rather than, you know, suck.

So, yes, the friendly atheist himself isn't friendly enough for Patheos. God damn it. Hey, Patheos, you know the movie trope about the new owner of the company who comes in? They like overuse the spinny chair.

They got the cuffs and collar of their shirt a different color from the main part of the shirt. Yep. Always pouring from a decanter into a snifter and then swishing around. But you never see them pouring their entire bottle into the decanter because that's a weird thing that you would have to do to set that up that's all bad guy stuff i it seems like you don't know but that's bad guy stuff you're the bad guy you're every bad guy from all those movies also just general rule if your enemy is hemet meta you're evil yeah you're the bad guy that's a great standard it's a great standard also it's important to point out that hemet's posts aren't like your grandma is stupid for wanting to see grandpa again

hemet's posts are like look at this news article about an elected official openly calling for the end times which i'm gonna go ahead and say is meaner than pointing out what that person said, you fucking children. Yeah. Now, in Patheos' defense, fuck them. You know what? Fuck Patheos. I mean, yes, this was a business decision and ultimately it stemmed from the difficulty

of selling ad space to religious companies while hosting blogs that pointed out how full of shit they are. But another way of saying that is Patheos succumbed to bigotry. Right? So I don't feel like that's a defense. The good news, though, is that the bloggers in question had plenty of time to make other plans,

and the bulk of them are moving together to a new site called Only Sky, which is scheduled to launch later this month. We'll obviously have links as soon as they're available. Yeah. In the meantime, though, Hemant, if you could just email me the noose I used to get from your blog I had to go on right wing watch this week and it really bummed me out man

so if you could just send them my way and in cultural app appropriation news if I had to distill our career and podcasts over the last 7 or so years down to a single sentence there's always a much worse Christian version of a thing would be a pretty good way to do it. Okay.

And that truism became even more truthy this week when we learned about a new Christian meditation app, which has picked up celebrity investment by none other than Chris Jenner and Michael Buble. Yeah, to be fair, before we started doing this show, I'd have doubted that there was a step down from meditation app, but nowadays I know better. Okay, well, if there's anyone who can ruin the doing of nothing, it's Christianity.

Yep, that tracks. So the app, which has like all the meditation logo logo it's very funny is called glorify and is not a meditation app it's a prayer app according to religious news.com quote when basic users open the glorify app they see an inspiring daily quote followed by a short bible passage and devotional reading subscribers who pay 9.49 monthly what or 63.99 annually oh what is there's a deal for the annual okay yeah get access to the full daily worship experience including a daily audible reflection and other premium content like meditations declarations and prayers end quote though i got to admit saying you're a way to help people only to charge them and then ask them to

double down on your thing is pretty damn christian yeah christian yep yeah you know that stuff you have to accidentally avoid being given for free every time you turn around in a major city turns out you can also pay 10 bucks a month for it if you'd like. Yeah. That's our business model. Be cool. That's true. Business model.

That's true. Business model. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, okay, Eli, but what's with Buble and Jenner? I've been thinking that a while, actually. Yeah. Well, it turns out that the silky voice of Michael Buble and the, i don't

know waste of carbon that is chris jenner represents glorifies company values does chris jenner have a good voice are they singing together what's happening unclear according to one of the co-founders quote we always kept front of mind that we only really wanted to let people in if they shared our values, end quote. So yeah, I guess the values of the Glorify app are that guy kind of sounds like Frank Sinatra and I don't know, whatever Chris Jenner thinks the fuck they're doing. One last thing I just want to point out. I was going to close this story with a joke about a Christian calorie counter and workout app coming up next. And then I Googled it and it already exists and it's called FaithFit and its slogan is invite God into your workout.

Yeah, because there's always a worse version. How pissed are they that they didn't park CrossFit when they had the chance though, am I right? Oh! Whoops. Equally yoked, maybe? I don't know oh yeah and in do you believe in magic news madge appreciate yep madge marjorie taylor green got permanently banned from twitter last week which makes twitter a more ethical space than u.s congress right now it's not a good sign. Her latest violation of the Twitter misinformation policy happened last week

when she tweeted a lie about extremely high amounts of COVID vaccine death. And this included a misleading chart that showed information from the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System, or VAERS. Anti-vaxxers often mention this thing without having any idea how it actually works. For anyone who's not familiar, it's a public reporting system that anyone can access and say anything they want about a reaction they think they had after getting a vaccination. The reports are not vetted. It's just a database for finding local pockets of similar reports. And then if that is found, doctors might get involved. That's a tip off. Friend of the show, Jonathan Jerry,

wrote a great article about how VAERS actually works and how it should be understood. And that very article helped me get an anti-vaxxer to admit being wrong about one single thing one time. It was shocking.

I was amazed. Link in the show notes for that article, by the way. Link in the show notes for that article, by the way. Link in the show notes for that. That anti-vaxxer admitting I was right about this. Here's some video. I just, side note, it's worth pointing out that the intentional sabotage of the VAERS system actually kind of gives away the anti-vax game that they know they're full of shit.

Right? Like, atheists don't prank call child abuse support lines in hope of pwning the catholic church yeah exactly especially after we had that meeting with eli yeah they fuck up that system because it doesn't prove their thing so the tweet about the vaccine killing a bunch of people is a very obvious lie we can check on that but anti-vaxxers on twitter don't do very obvious that is a little too subtle for them and twitter is finally aware of that fact that they don't do very obvious so twitter has rules about telling very obvious lies that have a high probability of causing mass death it's actually a stochastic terrorism policy they have and they do it like uh like baseball with a three strike system and the tweet from last week was strike five for mtg it's a five strike system just like in baseball for terrorism twitter was like okay you gotta stop being a stochastic

terrorist we're gonna count to three and then they had to do three and a half and three and three quarters actually five before they finally put the child in a timeout for fueling domestic terrorism right but they also left up her other accounts something they have a strict policy against but ignored so that she can bitch now about how everyone should leave Twitter on Twitter. Yep, sure can. And in Hexercise news tonight. I'm not sure if there's a current leader in terms of most Christian freakout material ever squeezed into a single sentence. But I certainly found a contender on religiousnewsservices.com. And Morgan, if you can help me out here a little bit by putting a chime for every christian trigger quote campbell union high school in san jose california

has come under fire for offering teachers an equity resource guide that includes hexing as a way of expressing their thoughts about racial justice. End quote. So that's like seven freak out triggers. That is a Christian freak out rating of 95.28. So you know what that means, Anna. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. You can use that sentence to drive your shitty Aunt Kathy

back from the Thanksgiving table like a vampire. Try it. It's really cool. It really works for you. Hold on, is the rating like a QBR, 9528? Yes, mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, got it. So yeah, so this story starts off innocently enough.

The school's district was looking for ways to help teachers examine systemic racism and injustice in california schools so they put together a resource site full of news articles historical content book suggestions and contact info for relevant non-profit groups so many dings so many yeah right and included in that list of resources is a series of writing prompts and included in that series of writing prompts is one that suggests that you make a list of, quote, specific people who have been agents of police terror or global brutality. It goes on to say this list can be wide ranging from small microaggressions to larger perpetrators, i.e. people who say all lives matter to the police officers who arrest nonviolent protesters to George Zimmerman, end quote. to the police officers who arrest nonviolent protesters to George Zimmerman, end quote.

And then it suggests they write down their own hex poem to, quote, curse that person, end quote. Okay. Yeah. Pretty weird. But once you filter all of that shit through the mind of an intern at The Federalist magazine, you get a school district in california teaching students quote how to put a curse on those who say all lives matter end quote okay but they're all about uh states rights and laissez-faire at the federalist so i'm sure they'll be supporting the local use of evil magic from critical

as a local thing laissez-faire right i like that it has to be a poem. Right. Because some kid is like, okay, does anybody know any pro-cop bassists? Because I have a thing. I have a thing. If we can think of a... Anybody? So now, obviously, Christians freaked out about this because they're Christians and it's a thing. But it also involves hexes. So that means that white ladies with crystals and nose rings were also offended.

So, Anna? hexes so that means that white ladies with crystals and nose rings were also offended so anna podcast listener she had so much fun writing that i was just watching my wife run to and from our basement with tambourines and didgeridoos all day yesterday i'm so glad because i felt like such a dick ass and i'm like i know that's only 24 hours away but so yeah that's right representing narcotic based religions was stephanie rose bird whose website describes her as a quote expert in the field of alternative health and earth-based religions was Stephanie Rose Bird, whose website describes her as a, quote, expert in the field of alternative health and Earth-based spirituality, and who the RNS article identifies as, quote,

author and root worker. End quote. Okay. Nope, moving on. Is it the spirituality of like, not aliens? We're not taking any questions at this time. It's not fire based. Airbenders, firebenders.

Yes, exactly. It's earth. Okay. So I really thought we were going with room worker. No, no, withdrawn. This makes sense now. All right. So Bird pointed out that the assignment was potentially dangerous as hexes are not, quote,

something to be taken lightly. And that even if you don't know what you're doing it can still be dangerous because all nothing is equal actually but the way she put it was that cursing and hexing quote practiced willy nilly without background and a robust framework is potentially dangerous to all concerns

this is amazing so this person spends I would say most of her time just dive tackling random people who said most of a spell by accident. And she's just like, did you guys see Spider-Man No Way Home? This is serious. Take it serious. And look, there's a good argument that can be made that the phrasing of the prompt is actually a case of cultural appropriation.

But that argument can't be made by a fucking Wiccan. Wicca is just cultural appropriation writ large. So we're learning about systemic racism. We're freaking out interns at The Federalist and we're pissing off naturalgreenmommy.com. Not a bad day's work, Campbell Union High School District in San Jose. Good work, people.

I just want to go visit them now. Yeah. And in Tick Schlock news, con men and liars are mad that people are conning and lying to their social media followers before they get a chance to this week. In an irony-ception so complete, the universe might just fold in on itself in protest. Okay, so at a certain point, the universe's continued refusal to do that seems lazy. Yes, thank you. So here's the story. According to several psychics, astrologers,

and tarot card readers, fake accounts on Instagram, TikTok, and other social media platforms are pretending to be them, offering tarot slash psychic readings, taking the money, and then running away. And that's not fair because, I'm not

kidding, this is their actual argument, it ruins their reputation. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, I feel like they're just really sad because you know a few of their clients were like, hey, great psychic stuff the other day, like way better than yours. I feel like you nailed a bunch of guessing.

But that's just the thing, though. It's like those investigations that found out that none of the homeopathic remedy was actually getting into the bottle. And yet none of the customers ever noticed. Right. If tarot cards and astrology were a thing, the customer would notice the difference between rando con artist and famous master of the mystical art. But they didn't. Yes. Weird. mandokan artist and famous master of the mystical art but they didn't yes weird so according to matt orin who goes by orin in the fucking article because he doesn't want us to know his name's matt matt by the way according to his social media profile is a quote witch slash pan and hecate

devotee high priest of the sacred fires tradition jesus christ so according to him these fake profiles damage his reputation and sales and that readers already have a quote stigma of being frauds and that quote yeah things like this are so frustrating because they perpetuate this idea end quote no i totally get it though in terms of casting spells with sacred fire in that tradition i am exactly tied in skill with the high priest and that does sound frustrating for him like yeah totally right that's a real bummer that does perpetuate the idea that he's a fraud yeah and i want to be clear because not a lot of people know this tarot readings psychics all that bullshit they are misguided nonsense at best but way way way more often they're just a con

yeah right it doesn't matter if you play three card money at home for fun the ones doing it professionally are con men that's how this activity works and that's why it's bad. So I'm not blaming the victims, but I am very much blaming the folks who are setting up their followers to be conned, and the fact that they would like to take to the media to complain about it is a breathtaking new level of unaware. Yeah, right. Yeah. This is, by the way, the reason that it is never harmless to do this shit, even if it's for free, even if you're just doing it for fun. All you're doing is greasing the wheels for some future con artist. And in this case, you're even advertising for them. But I want to point it out. We have a liberal audience.

We are very, very proud of that. Quick reminder, Wicca, paganism, as you know it today, all that stuff, also fake. And the idea that permeates that, like those are oppressed identities, that's from a thing called witch cult hypothesis. You can Google it. Witch cult hypothesis. And it was made up by a white guy repented in an encyclopedia by a credulous author and has nothing to do with reality or oppressed peoples. Right there. There are oppressed peoples that hold pagan beliefs. None of them are white dudes named Matt. And they're not on TikTok.

Okay. And even if they were, people deserve your respect. Bad ideas do not. And respecting an idea because you incorrectly believe that it's important to marginalize people is condescension and it actively harms the people that you're trying to help. So just keep that in mind. Well said. And finally, tonight, we got another reminder this week that atheism is just the answer to a really simple question. But you're not done with the homework when you answer with the number zero for how many magical gods are floating around. From there, a good atheist is going to think about secular humanism as a moral philosophy and think about how to have a better society based on that humanism.

On the other hand, Aaron Rodgers, the NFL quarterback. Yeah, pretty sure I lost him when I said from there. Instead of thinking about ethics from there after he answered zero, he did pretty much the exact opposite and became a big fan of Atlas goddamn shrugged by Ayn Rand. He said the number zero and then he looked in the mirror and winked at himself and said, crushed it. And then he slowly ran his fingers across the spine of his beloved copy of Atlas Shrugged, and he said, I am the bestest boy who earned everything with no help. Yes, I am. And we learned about this during a Zoom interview with ESPN when Rogers pointed out his copy of the book on his sad little shelf of, you know, real books that he reads because he's really a reader of real books that was right behind him.

I thought he was going to tell us that, like, okay, first of all, I'd like to clarify Pizza Hut still owes me that personal payment. All right. So, but seriously, though, if you use Atlas Shrug to fill out your book at form, I feel like Pizza Hut should just give you bootstraps on a pizza crust or something. Yes. No handouts, motherfucker. For anyone who's not familiar, Aaron Rodgers is a ball throwy guy in the American Brain Injury League of live action battle chess. And until recently, I was actually a pretty big fan.

He's really good at the ball throwy stuff. And I personally grew up with that being pretty much the definition of virtue. Good at ball-throwing stuff. That was it when I was a kid. That's what you had to do. He's also one of the few openly atheist people in professional sports, so I liked him.

But then he got caught lying about being vaccinated recently, and then he explained that he gets his vaccine advice from Joe Rogan. Actually, it's worse than being an anti-vaxxer. He's an anti-vax liar who definitely spread a bunch of the disease while he was claiming that he was vaccinated, but he actually wasn't. He was using some bullshit home remedies that Joe Rogan told him about. home remedies that Joe Rogan told him about. And then in the trackiest of that tracks moments, he proudly mentioned Atlas Shrugged as a favorite book and Ayn Rand as a favorite author.

He pronounced it wrong. I know there's lots of competition for worst atheist ever, but Ayn Rand is right near the top, right up there. And that book is basically shitbag atheist libertarianism for dummies. That's what that book is. Yeah. If anyone ever tells you Atlas Shrugged is their favorite book, fun fact, you can push them down and rob them.

That's the law, according to them. According to them. Yeah, exactly. That's their thing. Yeah. Aaron, look, I see how you got there, but you really need to temper smartest guy in the room with the fact that it's a locker room. And in the brain damage-iest of sports,

you're still a fucking idiot. You were trying to outsmart Brett Favre. Yeah. Want to see a picture of my penis? No, Brett. I'm going to be an anti-medicine bigot. Which one of us do you think is more problematic? It's hard to say.

Yeah, so the way this all came out during the interview, it actually makes it even worse somehow. One of the ESPN guys said, so Aaron, I see the bookshelf that you very obviously wanted to show off right behind you there. What's a superstar athlete reading on a Monday afternoon? And Rogers starts by saying French poetry.

No, fuck you. Liar. you liar liar you're lying you does he mention a poet or a title or a single french word no of course not and even if there is a book of french poetry on that shelf there's also literally a copy of atlas shrug which is the only book he decided to name during the segment it more than cancels out even if there is that only book he decided to name during the segment. It more than cancels out, even if there is that poetry book and he reads it. Anything by Ayn Rand invalidates any good book within a hundred books in any direction. Yeah, it's minimum a hundred. I'm being generous about a hundred.

That's fair. Okay, but I really, really needed them to follow up on the French poetry so that we could watch Rogers explain, oh, name one. There's a place in france naked ladies so the moment this interview happened i had a text from eli that said now you must fight him on a mountain so uh true uh aaron aaron ro, I know you're listening and I know you're busy throwing

a ball or doing your own research on epidemiology or fucking a bootstrap while you read French poetry. But when you're done with all that, you name the mountain challenge extended. I will be there. I am not going to hide in a tree and shoot you in your stupid fucking neck with my Johnson and Johnson blow dark. That's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it. Yeah, right, exactly. Well, we've got you looking the other way. And since issuing violent challenges to celebrities is kind of our fat lady singing, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. He's not even that good of a quarterback. And he's pretty... Well, yeah, okay. Overrated. Well, he's certainly overrated. And when we come back, we'll bring you all the voice work

that we can afford. Don. Don. Word. We can't start a YouTube show where we just beat up people's homophobic dads. We're not doing that. Can't or won't, Heath. Can't. Attacking people is illegal.

I'd love to, but we can't andrew will handle it he will handle it hey guys guys are you done talking about eli's felonious idea for a youtube show where we beat up people's homophobic dads and ready to do bible peace theater right yep bible peace theater the part of the show where we act out the bible it's been a little while so uh where were we uh first Kings. Which was about? The first king. Right. There in the name.

Got it. Yeah. So you remember that the last two books, a king would rise to power and then fall out of favor with God and then die and or lose his kingdom? I do recall that. Yes. Like a lot. A lot. Yeah. So that happens some more. And to give you an idea of just how repetitive this boring-ass section gets,

chapter 14 literally gets bored of its own story and refers us to the Chronicle of the Kings of Israel. Ooh, that's one of the lost books of the Bible, right? I mean, nobody's looking that hard now. No, but there's at least a version of it thought to be in the papal library. Don! Damn it, Don! Don, when did you get here?

Oh, sorry, I was at lunch. You kept trying to order from me, which is really weird, because we didn't go to a restaurant or anything. So, irregardless, the point is that the book is boring. Seriously, Eli, irregardless? What are you doing, though? You can't just beep out of

the podcast-iverse. You had me say irregardless. Is now a good time to bring up something? No, we are not in the podcast-iverse. This is very off-putting. He's right. I don't think we've earned this level of meta. This is silly now. I just don't understand why you guys are always surprised to see me for these segments. There has to be a better way to introduce me.

Oh, he's giving notes now. Noah gave you notes. Hey, are you guys done with the studio? I got to record an episode of Kicking It With... Oh, never mind. I'll come back. Okay, what was that about? Oh, Heath and Carl don't get along in real life.

Okay, really? What's the story there? Excuse me, we have a show to do. Yeah, I'll tell you later. Okay, fine. Professionalism. Can we go ahead? I am not saying irregardless.

Anyway, about two kings after Rehoboam, we get Asa. Who's played by Asa Akira? No, she never got back with us. Oh, man. I feel like that was a weird ask on your part. You made it weird. Miss Akira is a New York Times bestselling author, Heath. I was trying to bring some class to the show.

Were you, though? Were you? Yeah. Anyway, so Asa follows God, which means destroying his mom's idols. Oh, really, Asa? That one, too? Yes, mom. I have to destroy all the idols or, as I told you, God will kill us and our entire family. We went over this. Okay, you don't have to yell. I'm not yelling. I am not. You were yelling. And besides, I don't know why God would bother killing me anyway, because you've already

broken my heart. There it is. Okay. Okay. I'll tell you what. What if I leave the idols in the high places? Will that make you happy? Okay, this isn't about me. I don't care. Do whatever you want, but yes, that would be lovely. Thank you. Great, we will leave the idols in the high places. Just so you know, God is going to curse me with a disease in my feet for leaving those. But, you know, whatever. It's fine, Mom.

Whatever makes you happy. Oh, speaking of which, do you remember Deborah's husband? No, I don't know who any of... Okay, well, he's dead. Of a disease in his feet? No, I don't know who any of... Okay, well, he's dead. Of a disease in his feet? No, of cancer. What does that have to do with the disease in my feet? It's not always about you. Oh, my God.

And then there's the story of Zimri. King Zimri, it is I, Omri. The people have come to me to be the king, for you are wicked. Come out of your place so I can kill you. No, no. Come on, Zimri. If you don't come out, I'm just going to light your house on fire. Whatever.

I love fire. I'm going to light it on fire myself first. I'm lighting myself on fire in here. Wow. He really did it. See, I told you. I'm loving this. This is great. Okay, Zimri. He really did it. See, I told you. I'm loving this. This is great.

Okay, Zimri, come out, man. You're going to burn to death. No, I'm not. I'm not going to burn. I'm making marshmallows. Marshmallows don't even exist yet. Yes, they do. Yes.

All right, so then we get a few more kings, and at last it's time for the story of Elijah. Yeah, not to be confused with Ahijah from earlier in the book or Elisha from later in the book. I didn't make up the names, man. But yeah, so he shows up at King Ahab's place one day with a message from God. Hi, King Ahab.

Yarr, what can I do for you? Oh, right, because Ahab. I got it. I get it. You don't like it? No, no, it's fine. It's a little on the nose, but it's good. I like it, Don.

Keith, get out of the Bible. You are not in the Bible. Yes, I am in it. I am a servant. I'm mopping here. Squash. I'm sorry, mopping goes squash? Yes, it is. Just tell the king whatever you're here to tell him. I am m I'm sorry, mopping goes squash? Yes, it is.

Just tell the king whatever you're here to tell him. I am mopping. Right, okay. So, bad news. I spoke to God, and there's going to be no rain or dew unless God tells me he's not mad at you anymore. Uh, that's lame, but, uh, is that it? Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. I guess I'm going to go hide, just in case you decide to, you know, shoot the messenger and all that. Oh, no, no. That all tracks. Sure. Whew. I have been wandering the desert for a while. I mean, God told me to go to this brook, and he'd send me some food, but, uh, I don't see anything.

Oh, don't worry, me boy-ho. We three ravens are here with some food. Sure enough, we are. Nille fies again beful go liur a story again, hun merak katech adena. He said

God sent us. Okay, why are the birds Irish? What is that? If you have talking birds in your thing, they have to be a troubling stereotype, Heath. Haven't are the birds Irish? What is that? If you have talking birds in your thing, they have to be a troubling stereotype, Heath. Haven't you seen Dumbo? It is a classic. Huh. Okay, is it the racism that makes it a classic, though?

I don't make the rules, Heath. I feel like you kind of do in this moment. But to be fair, though, other than you, we've literally never had anyone complain about making fun of Irish people. Yeah, people actually donated to Vulgarity for Charity this year requesting it. So fine, fine. But the one that speaks Celtic, that's just stolen from Snatch. Well, wouldn't be the first time the Irish stole some Snatch. Am I right?

Okay. Is your rapists? No, I got it. Thank you. This is under protest. Anyway, here you are. We'll bring you bread in the morning and bread and meat in the evening. Wow, that is, that's great.

Thank you. Hey, just a little thing. Any chance I could get meat both times the ravens come and visit? Mar need doy leom do bufweol agofam yonoth sioy girt jo. Ah, he says no can do, Sonny Jim. Oh, why? Oh, it's Lent. Oh, sure.

Got it. Irish. But eventually, the river runs dry, so God sends Elijah to the home of a nearby widow. Hi. Oh, hello. Um, so this is weird. I've actually been sent here by God for a snack little snacky so um do you mind making me a cake real quick i would love a cake oh i well i i'd love to i guess but me and

my son are you know starving to death um we only have a crust of bread and some oil i was actually just gathering these sticks so i could light a fire to die next to. Wow, Oversharer did not need that whole backstory. Look, just make me a cake and God will perform a miracle for you, huh? He'll give us more than bread and oil? Uh, no. But he will make your bread and oil last for like five days. Oh. Oh, like a Hanukkah thing?

Yeah, kind of like a Hanukkah thing. Could we like have other food? No. Maybe? No. For more than... Okay. Can't do it.

Right, right. Okay, it's been three days. Thank you for the cake. I'm going to head out. Actually, before you go, my son is dead. Oh, he is. You know, I wondered why he was so quiet.

That explains it. Well, so I was wondering if maybe you could chat with God about that. Oh, you know, he kind of just did the bread and oil thing, right? Yeah, sure. But, you know, if you don't mind, just. No, no, fine, fine. I'll tell you what, give me your kid and I'll take him upstairs and lay down on top of him. Whoa, Eli.

Jokes are getting a little 2017-y in here. Yes, thank you. No, no. That is what the Bible says. Elijah took him upstairs and laid on him three times, and the kid came back to life. Don't blame me. I miss the crows. We'll always be here for you, Heathelton.

Enough to begora. Thank you, Don. Thank you. Hey, hey. Guess who's back? Elijah. You haven't been back for three years. I know.

I know. I had such a crazy trip. I met some ravens. I laid on top of a kid. It was a whole thing. Okay. Glad to hear it. I just want to announce that I, Obadiah,

have rescued 100 prophets from Jezebel's wrath, though it took all my worldly goods to do it. And now I serve Ahab. Hey, I'm just going to stop you right there. Okay. Your book of the Bible is actually another one of the lost ones. So, yeah, if you could just go get Ahab, tell him I'm back. going to stop you right there. Your book of the Bible is actually another one of the lost ones, so if you could just go get Ahab,

tell him I'm back. But I traveled through the desert and canonically you didn't, though. Canonically. Ahab is... First one on the left. Awesome. Good to meet you, Jebediah. It's Obadiah.

Sure. Ahab! Yar, Elijah. I've been searching for you everywhere. You made the rain stop. I did tell you I was going to. I was very clear about it. That you did, that you did.

So, what brings you back, laddie? Well, I'm actually here to challenge the prophets of Baal to a magic battle. Oh, well, let me get them in here. Oh, Baal prophets? Baal prophets? Yes, King Ahab. Oh, that's the voice you want to go with, is it? Yes.

This gentleman wants to challenge you to a magic battle. Oh, okay. What's the, uh, terms or whatever? Oh, okay. So here's the contest. We each lay out some dead cow, and whoever's god sets their cow on fire first wins. Loser gets executed in front of everybody.

Okay, okay. Sounds fair, but we get to go first. And there's like 450 of everybody. Okay, okay. Sounds fair, but... Wait, but we get to go first. And there's like 450 of us. No, that's fine. That's fine. I'll see you guys tomorrow. All right, see you tomorrow. Okay, mateys, y'all know the deal.

Whoever wins this God Battle is the first official religion of Israel. Or whatever. Ball guys, you go first. Dude, why did you agree to go first? I don't know. The dude challenged me. What was I supposed to do?

Say no? Sorry, we are waiting. We're waiting. Right, yes. Magic, magic, magic. Magic, magic, magic. Oh, no fire. Maybe ball's busy or on the shitter. Magic, magic, magic. Magic, magic, magic. Oh, no fire.

Maybe balls busy or on the shitter. I think God's in the shitter. I feel like that part's not in the Bible. It actually is. Elijah spends the whole magic battle smack talking. Hey, look, look, it's bleeding. He just cut himself and is bleeding on it. No, no, that is real. And the blood is, it's like fire.

Dude, you're embarrassing us. Whatever, let's see how you do, Elijah. All right. Let's see here. I just need 12 stones, one for each tribe of Israel, and some wood, but wait, you say, could I make this more difficult? Why is he

talking like David Copperfield? I'm telling you, this happens in the Bible. You know what? It would be way harder to light this on fire if someone poured four barrels of water on it. I feel like he should be wearing like a white flowy shirt or something.

Alright then, God, do your magic. Amazing. Oh, wow. That's so... That's rice good. Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Now, let's say we kill those guys and I make it rain.

Such a weird book. So after that display, Ahab's wife Jezebel writes Elijah a letter saying she's going to kill him. Ooh, Jezebel, the famous a letter saying she's gonna kill him oh jezebel the famous traitor yeah i i know that's the expression but mostly she just doesn't like elijah oh i got it yeah so elijah goes to a tree in the desert to pout where he says that god might as well kill him and then he falls asleep but that night he's visited by an angel yo yo wake up oh wake up sarah hawkeby

sanders you're still an angel even though we're not doing god's voice as trump anymore bet your sweet yams i am this character has aged like a fine wine so uh anyway here you go. Here's some cake and water for you. Oh, wow. Thank you. You going to finish that? Yes, I'm starving in the desert. Lame. Whatever. You going to lick your shirt? No. Dibs.

And then later that night, the angel wakes him again. Yo, wakey, wakey. What up? Oh, it's the shirt-licking angel again. Hi. Hello. So, you want some more cake and water? I'm sorry, does this happen exactly the same twice in a row in the Bible? Yes, it does.

Do you want some more or not? No, you woke me like two hours ago. I'm fine now. Nice. All right. But if God asks, you ate this one. Okay. You ate it. You told God I wanted more so you could eat cake, didn't you? I, no. You didn't? Okay. Well, you know what? I'll take the water then. Can I take the cake

in the water? Also, no, no, don't do that. So then Elijah goes to the cave to pout without eating or drinking for 40 days. Man, if I knew this was going to be 40 days, I think I would have actually taken that second cake and water. Elijah, what are you doing here? Oh, uh, hi God, I'm pouting. Why are you pouting? Well, you know, the Israelites destroyed all your altars and they're still not jewish even though i did an awesome magic show for them plus jezebel ahab's wife she wrote me a mean letter so go stand on a mountain before me why we're we're talking right now. Trust me, you'll see. Okay, I'm here on a mountain. All right, that is wind.

That is wind. And an earthquake. Okay, that is an earthquake. And a fire. Okay, did I end up in California by accident? Is that what this is? Elijah, what are you doing here? God, why are you quiet and little all of a sudden?

I don't know. Go make another guy king. Hey, God, what was this thing? I, I, beats me, man. Meanwhile, back in Israel, King Ahab is dealing with some problems of his own. Sir, a letter for you from King Ben-Hadad. Yar, let me hear it.

Dear King Ahab, Zah! Zah! Remember that? Zah! From the future. Anyways, me, Ben-Had,

I'm going to take your stuff, especially your hot wives, so get ready, Ben-Had. Oh, did you hear that, men of Israel? Ben-Had is coming to take your wives. How do you feel about that? Um, well, bad. Obviously bad. Why would we be okay with that?

I just had to ask the question that was on everybody's minds. Okay, I'll write him back and tell him we'll have a war instead. Yeah, no, yeah, that. Yes, a war. That is what you should do instead of that. Oh, yarr, yarr. A war sounds good. All right, Ahab, here I am with my eight majillion soldiers. Do you give up or not?

Never. For Jewish God is on our side. Oh, really? never for jewish god is on our side oh really well if jewish god is on your side then uh why doesn't he just like uh it's collapsing on us you know what okay fair play fair play um i would like to be friends again please um all right you've got yourself a deal. Dude, what is with you? Seriously? I don't like conflict. Ah, yarr. Husband Ahab, what's wrong? Oh, avast, Jezebel, tis nothing.

Come on, just tell me. Well, it's our neighbor Naboth. He won't sell me his vineyard right next to our palace, so I have to, you know, just stare at it all day, you know? Okay, well, did you offer to buy it? Yar. And what did he say? Nar. Pretty sure pirates just would say no.

I don't think everything's on. Oh, oh, well, then no. Then that's what he said. Hey, uh, darling you leave it to me i've got an idea surprise guess who's the proud new owner of the orchard next door you convinced him to sell it better i paid people to lie and say he was blaspheming, and everyone stoned him to death. Oh. Oh, wow. That's quite a last-ditch effort there. No, it was actually the first thing I tried.

It worked right away. First thing I did. That was the first thing you tried? First thing I did, yep. You didn't try, like, counter-offer parlay? Nope, no. Right to the stoning. Yar, yar, yar. Do it,

Orchardstuff. Orchardstuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Ahab. Oh, uh, ahoy, Elijah. I heard you were on a mountaintop or something. Yeah, I am not clear what that was. I think maybe it was a metaphor or something.

Maybe. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I spoke to God, and he is going to... Oh, God is going to kill me and my family. Oh, uh, yeah. And birds will eat us in the country, and dogs will eat us in the city. Dogs, yeah, also, yeah. And birds will eat us in the country and dogs will eat us in the city. Dogs, yeah. Also, yes. Got it.

Anything else? Uh, no, I guess not. Sorry, it's just been this whole book. I mean, it's literally everywhere. It's just, that's the cycle. I get it. And then there's another king and he dies and that's the end of the book. Man, that was very, that was very samey.

Yeah, sure was. Welcome to the Bible. Kind of feels like a blur. Like, I don't know, what should we learn from it all? That's a great question, Anna. God told the men and the men wrote the book, but the book, what it said wasn't worth just pretending. It's useful or even a set of good bros. At least it gets a laugh on these shows.

Heaven knows. I suppose that if I was a deity who fashioned the earth and the seas, then covered it all up in creatures and made some subordinate me's, I suppose that if I was a deity who fashioned the earth and the seas, then covered it all up in creatures and made some subordinate me's, and I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital, I'd probably write them a list of instructions or at least divinely inspire a Bible. It's tough since the book could be only so long. I'd want them to know the right path and the wrong.

I'd impart on them knowledge, the value of peace. I'd teach them the nature of germs and disease, warn of sexism, racism, spousal abuse, teach astronomy, geometry, how to use soap. I'd teach them things like the value of hope, how to cope, and to bring up their children with pride and a dope sense of self-worth. That's what I'd give to the earth. Now, according to God, the most wise course of action is to leave out all of these things and make sure that there's plenty of space left over for a long list of Israel kings. God told the man, and the man wrote the book and the book what it said

wasn't worth just pretending it's useful or even a good set of prose at least it gets a laugh on these shows but I'm not a god I'm just some anonymous tit He's the Alpha, Omega, and some shit

Be ashamed to lose all of that knowledge But what do I know? I just went to high school and undergraduate college Be ashamed if I choose Cause I'd fuck it up and leave out the list of who led the 6th century BCE Jews I'd talk hygiene, nutritional facts Skip all of the Philistine army attacks, cut all of them Solomon chapters and talk about dog-sized chicken

velociraptors. I'd piss away pages on problems they'll face as their populace grows, takes up space, wasted some chapters on gender and race. Silly me, I'd forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillars and poles in high places. But I suppose that if I were to write it,

you'd have questions at the end of the tone. Like how long did it take the third king of Israel to build his solid gold home? God wrote the book and the book wasn't worth it it's toxic at best and it's nauseous and tasteless been searching for days but the work was a waste for the one god he sure writes in mysterious phrase. Before we let cool for 30 minutes tonight, I want to remind you that if you wish this show had more lycanthropy and spellcasting,

you should check out D&D Minus. New episode right around the corner. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, in addition to the forthcoming episode of D&D Minus, there will also be a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even new episode of our half-sister show

Citation Data, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode would be all bark and no bite if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being my beau, Eli Bosnick for being my boo, and Lucinda Lusions for being my bae. I also want to thank Don Ford for being my boy. I want to thank Anna Bosnick for just being awesome, and I also want to thank Beth for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most honorable hominids, Medj Media, it's time for a centrist party, Anakin, Jamie, Mike, Natalie, Jeremy, Crystal, Brian, Orly Radio,

Calvin, Caitlin, Tara, Joshua, OneBladedGrass, Travis, Birder, TiredRavenclaw, Trapanda, and George, whose IQs are so high you'd need a 2 to express them in binary. And I'm sorry, I've got to mention this again. We already have a centrist party. They're called the Democrats. I'm surprised you haven't heard of them. Together, these 20 tawdry taunders of the tabernacle toss to trace a treasure towards our Trinity transducements this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some of it away for a free product, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com

slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a money kind of way, there's also a lot of, like, giving us five-star review ways and increasing our social media following ways, so you can do one of those. Legal services

for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson has our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, and our social media and our audio engineers, Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions,

comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. And Eli, and eli um how's your butt doing this is great this is great this is so great that it's gotten to the point where when bad things happen to me my first thought is oh good this is good patreon content that is now what has happened to my life. So I'm in the grocery store the other day. Right? So something's about to happen to your butt in the grocery store?

In this story. Involving a child, no less. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Buckle in. The preceding podcast is a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.