The Scathing Atheist - 465: Tontine Edition

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

On this week’s episode: The CDC says Noah can kiss you square on the lips ... God plans to make hospitals obsolete by faith healing and lowering deductibles ... And Donald James Parker finally gets an origin story. --- To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Anna here: https://www.annabosnick.com/ --- Headlines: On 1/6 anniversary, Lance Wallnau prays for GOP to conduct a "reverse investigation": https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/lance-wallnau-prays-republicans-gut-democrats-in-midterms/ Oklahoma AG All in on Theocracy: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/oklahoma-attorney-general-godless Christians freak out over DC vaccine mandate right before march for life: https://www.christianpost.com/news/pro-life-groups-adjust-march-for-life-events-amid-vaccine-mandate.html Christian conspiracist "The Praying Medic" says faith healing will make hospitals obsolete: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/christian-conspiracist-accepting https://twitter.com/hemantmehta/status/1468300784303550471 OK law would pave the way for Christianity classes in public schools: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/a-proposed-oklahoma-law-would-allow Stew Peters will arrest government officials over COVID restrictions: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/now-is-go-time-stew-peters-is-threatening-to-arrest-government-officials-over-covid-restrictions/

Warning, today's episode has upsetting words in it, like fuck, shit, and Jim Baker is still alive. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Allbirds, honey, behind the Mormon curtain, and by the fact that my ass got the booster shot. Getting the booster shot, because fucking duh. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm America's number one Christian Ray Comfort. Here to tell you that if the selfies I took from our OnlyFans are any indication, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's January 13th. And Noah and Lucinda got COVID. Two left in the taunting. Almost there. I knew I could count on you guys' sensitivity and decorum. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. Tick tock.

I'm Heath Henright. And from somewhere as about East New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the CDC says Noah can kiss you square on the lips. Yep. God is going to make hospitals obsolete by faith healing and lowering deductibles. Interesting. And Donald James Parker finally gets an origin story. But first, the street loves Jesus.

You know how I know that? In the four conversations, totaling about 30 words we've had, she's mentioned him three times. If they were dating, I'd say the relationship seemed unhealthy. Now, don't get me wrong. She's a nice lady. She worked for New Jersey Public Services for 30 years. She rents the other side of her house to a low-income family,

and she doesn't yell at me for how long it takes me to shovel my sidewalk. But when I say religion poisons everything, it even gets to my sweet little old lady neighbor. Take, for example, the first time we met. My wife and I moved into the house, and so we made brownies for all of our neighbors. And when we brought her hers, she was just so lovely and friendly and then immediately informed us that we were a blessing from Jesus Christ, which is weird because I do not remember him being at the mortgage signing. And also, I look pretty Jewish, so that's a very strange thing to say to me. Now, contrary to Kevin Sorbo's nightmares, as atheists, we do not, in fact, hiss and flee

when people say dumb religious shit to us. So we smiled and said we felt very lucky to be in the neighborhood, which we do. We felt very lucky to be in the neighborhood, which we do. But every time I've seen her since, God has just made his way into the conversation. When there were massive floods in my neighborhoods, destroying dozens of homes earlier this year, with the very, very lucky exception of ours and hers, as we cleared debris from our sidewalk, she couldn't help but tell me how blessed she felt by God's grace. Not lucky, blessed. Now, look, I know that when my neighbor says blessed, she means lucky. But when you think about the difference between blessed and lucky,

that's pretty fucking insidious, right? We don't happen to live on a high street in my neighborhood god wanted that lady two blocks down to lose all the shit in her basement including her wedding albums i didn't roll incredibly well on the universal dice to end up with the family and job that i did god intended for me to make dick jokes and for other people to starve to death. It's a linguistic shortcut for a rejection of empathy. And it's no coincidence that it's a religious one. I mean, if God intends for poor people to be poor and rich people to be rich, who are we to challenge his wisdom?

Why on earth would we spend our time trying to improve the lives of others? If God wanted them to be happy, he'd do it. But as an atheist, we don't have that luxury, right? I know damn well that I rolled lucky dice and that even the things I imagined to be my own doing, like hard work and laudable personal qualities, are just the dice I didn't know were loaded in my favor. are just the dice I didn't know were loaded in my favor. As an atheist, it becomes startlingly obvious that the moment I get a break, I got to start spreading it around to others. As Tim Ryan said, as he gloriously ended his 2016 presidential campaign

with the realization that the president would be required to speak publicly, nobody is coming to save us. But the good news is we're not alone. Not really. We have each other and we are real, be that community or individual. And the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can get to work. They're talking about you, Jesus.

I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the fee and fight of my faux-femme Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to differentiate people's nationalities based on blood smell? It's a weird one. Oh, sure. But when I suggest it, we need to have another meeting this. Where did you get all that blood that? Okay, but like, where did you get all that blood though?

It's not important. And while I remind Heath what Andrew said about asking those kinds of questions on the air, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week. All birds. Lots of test tubes. Lou Lou Lou doing jogging stuff. Jogging stuff is my favorite stuff. Lou Lou Lou.

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Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. This is funny, though. I forgot. Yeah. I hate this. Who is this?

Yeah. He's the wool dasher mizzle, an ancient fae guardian sworn to protect heroes. Hello. Yep, so that's him. The Woldasher Mizzle, it's also the weather repellent performance running shoe from Allbirds. It's sustainably made from natural materials

and it has a low environmental impact on the planet. Well, that's cool. Yeah, you just gotta be careful when you say its name, obviously. Yeah, we went over this like three times It's a nine hour walk Back to my portal in the forest I said I was sorry Do you want me to drive you?

I could drive you, I guess I am the Woldash of Mizzle I'm not gonna climb into the passenger seat Of your 2002 Ford Explorer Fine, I was just offering Anyway, Allbirds printed... No, no. By all means, say it.

Just say it. I'm already here. Yep. So Allbirds printed the Woldasher Mizzles carbon footprint right on the shoe so you know its impact

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again. Again, yes. Again, I apologize. It's the name. I'm going to steal your first. Again, yes. Again. I apologize. It's the name. I'm going to steal your first baby. Grab me with a good time. Have it. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we have a very important follow-up on a story from last

week. And the follow-up is fuck Aaron Rodgers in his stupid fucking face. He didn't even read Atlas Shrugged. He didn't even read it. He bragged about having it, and he didn't read it, and he admitted that.

Okay, sorry. I feel like I jumped straight into it in case anybody missed it. Aaron Rodgers is a superstar NFL quarterback, and we talked about how he's the worst kind of atheist last week. He figured out there's not a sky wizard and it made him feel really smart. So he started doing his own research about vaccines, which was, by the way, asking Joe Rogan about science. That was his research.

And then he got caught in a lie related to that. He said he was vaccinated. He got caught being not vaccinated. He was actually doing homeopathy, also known as expensive nothing. Such expensive nothing. Extremely expensive nothing, yes. And then during an interview earlier this month, he said he likes to read French poetry and also Ayn Rand. And he showed off his copy of Atlas Shrugged. Well, it turns out he didn't even read it. That's what we learned this week in another interview.

I can't tell if that makes him an aspirational douchebag or a douchebag squared. Is this a plus or a minus? One day I'll be that much of a douchebag. I'm not there. I haven't earned it yet. I haven't earned it yet. That's where he is. So during his weekly appearance on the Pat McAfee show, Rogers was presenting another book for his book club.

That's that's a thing in the world. The Aaron Rogers Book Club. And everyone assumed it was going to be Atlas Shrugged after all the news about it. But he picked a different one. And he said, yeah, I never even read Atlas Shrugged. So tight. Apparently, he's an ignorant anti-vaxxer libertarian, you know, just naturally.

And without all the academic rigor of that group, what they normally do at the top of the intellectual luminaries in that group. Also, he doesn't even know what a good lie would be to make him look smart on his bookshelf of lies. So just extra embarrassing thing. And just in case anybody's curious about some other books that Aaron Rodgers has

definitely not read, the Aaron Rodgers book club includes The Art of War by Sun Tzu, Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, and You Are the Universe by Deepak Chopra et al.

Chopra. Okay. So two important notes on The Art of War. One, that is a book you could read cover to cover over a long bath, right? Yeah. Two, Aaron Rodgers has not read that fucking book. Absolutely not. He has not read that book.

He has not read it. He also hasn't read Outliers because he's anti-fucking-vaxed. What are you reading every third word? Yeah. No. He'd have a much more impressive career if he'd read both of those books. Either of those books. Clearly has not.

No. Okay. Moving on to our actual lead story. We just had the one-year anniversary of the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol. And I think it's important that we keep saying out loud over and over what happened and who was responsible. So say it with me, Republicans. Radical Christian terrorism. That's what happened.

You can say it. Whether or not they were chanting Bible verses, those three words I just said absolutely describe pretty much every single person who stormed the Capitol. Right. But to be clear, they were literally chanting Bible verses. Some of them were. Some of them were literally doing that. Yes. That's why I said that.

You guys just don't have an Allahu Akbar. That's the thing. You just don't have one of those. Get her done? All right. That's the new one. Yep. So according to Christian nationalist assistant to the regional manager, Lance Wall now.

No, it was actually Antifa. You are something like that. The whole thing, according to him, was a government operation to entrap all the law abiding rabid Trump fans. And apparently that continues to be the narrative for not just Lance Wall now, but like millions of Americans a year later, for real. Well, I mean, no, but even if yes, if you can be entrapped into falling a rabid mob into an impotent insurrection with no more encouragement than this way, guys, public safety demands we imprison you even if you thought that dude was your tour guide. Yeah. Someone smarter

than me needs to figure out how to utilize the insane lengths 40% of this country will go to to not admit they were wrong about their vote six years ago. I mean, I am thinking like a box held up with a stick, but there's a better idea out there. We need to get it working. Better idea.

I like the box and the stick. So, alright. Three votes. You're probably wondering how does the Jewish ram horn come into play here? I was wondering. Well, here's the account from Lance Wallnau, who was actually there in Washington, D.C. on January 6th. During a recent episode of Nobody Fucking Cares, he said, quote,

this was a peaceful assembly of over one million people. Many of them were Christians with shofars up there praying. I want to know how many FBI agents were infiltrated into that mob. How many Antifa guys? We know it because we had evangelists

up there evangelizing Black Lives Matter and Antifa, which is a whole, just a whole other thing. I have a lot of questions. To talk about. Continuing. And when we were asking,

where's the rest of you guys? They said, they're in meetings. They were in Washington. Where do you think the pipe bombs came from? End quote. Why? You can tell they did it

by how not there they were. Is that what you really did? Why would you need such an airtight alibi if you had nothing to hide? Okay, so according to Lance Wallnaut, the FBI, famous Antifa and Black Lives Matter fans that they are, brought pipe bombs to

a peaceful protest in the hopes that it would turn into a failed coup, and they nailed it would turn into a failed coup. Right. And they nailed it. They just nailed it. They got it. Yep.

Such good prophecy there. So now you're probably thinking, how would a radical Christian terrorist be able to fit a shofar and a pipe bomb into the overhead compartment if they were flying in from out of town? It doesn't even make sense. And the answer is they would not be able to do that. And good job. You're starting to piece it together just like Lance Wallnau.

Wallnau continued. I was there that day and I'm looking for the pipe bombs because I heard they were all over the place. Well, how do you think they got there? Did these shofar blowing Catholics stick them in the overhead compartment when they flew in? No, they were local. Catholics stick them in the overhead compartment when they flew in? No, they were local. They were driven in by the union guys and by the activists who planted them there.

The union guys is what I said. I just want to repeat that. The pipe bombs were driven in by the union guys and by the activists who planted them there. And then those people realized they're overplaying their hand a little bit. So they got rid of them and the media crushed the story. End quote. Sorry. Sorry. Antifa FBI brought pipe bombs, but then thought better of it because they were too much.

So they got it. Got it. Lance. Are we overplaying our hand right now? What if we do like two pipe bombs and everybody's like, yeah, two. Hey, guys, we opened a gate and they rushed inside and attempted to take over Congress. I don't think we need pipe bombs. I think we could just leave them over here by the mailbox.

I feel like two's right. That's the Goldilocks zone. We're doing two. It'll confuse them. Yeah. So that's the theory. Just to recap the train of thought from Lance Wallnau. Union member equals plumber in his head. Plumbers do

stuff with pipes, pipe bombs, Antifa conspiracy. That's how he got there. I'm quite certain. And from there, he closed out the rant by praying to God for the GOP to take over the house in the midterms, because then they'll be able to do what he called a reverse investigation of the CIA, the FBI and the DOJ. What? A out investigation, if you will. I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. But either way, watch out for the GOP in the midterms, especially if they, I guess, figure out how to reverse the directionality of investigating as a concept. But seriously, though, watch out for the GOP in the midterms. Vote.

Fucking vote. Get ready now. Do that. Lance, a reverse investigation is a cover-up, dude. They're already doing that, actually. They're way ahead of you, buddy. They did. Check. And in March for strife news, annual

pro-forced birth event and winner of best place for a mediator hit for 49 years in a row, the March for Life is scheduled to take place on January 21st this year in Washington, D.C., just six days after the city's vaccine mandate goes into place. And you know what that means.

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. That's right. The fact that they might have to actually do something that protects other people's lives is freaking these pro-life Christians out with many of their indoor events associated with the march being canceled entirely. Again, not because of the plague, but because they'd have to be vaccinated to have them. Yep. God, did they trick our pro-life march into being pro-life?

I'm confused. I feel like they trick us. Are we wrong? Whoops. But that's not all. Many of the activists associated with the march think it's no coincidence

that the vaccine mandate goes into place just six days before the march. After all, nothing else COVID-related is going on right now. So it must be an attack on the March for Life and its related events. According to Students for Life of America president, Kristen Hawkins, quote,

the mayor of Washington, D.C. This is a real quote. I can't emphasize enough. This is a real quote. The mayor of Washington, D.C., who we know is 100 pro-abortion as she literally had us arrested last summer for sidewalk chalking black pre-born lives matter on a public sidewalk is doing everything possible to make the pro-life movement cancel our events surrounding the 49th anniversary of roe adding come to the march and National Summit and spend all of your money for hotels and food in Virginia. No, please don't take your plague swarm out of our city for hotels and restaurants. Come back.

No, don't do that. We literally wouldn't let you in, you fucking idiots. That's the mandate. Also, fix your goddamn name. Students for Life of America. Do you not want America to die? Is that the thing? Are you saying that you're too dumb to eventually graduate

and thus you are students for life? Are you just trying to get free advertising through the woman yelling at a cat meme? If your title needs like semicolons to make sense, get a new title. Do it differently. But my favorite freakout comes from Jennifer Roback Morse of the Ruth Institute, an organization that is surprisingly against blowjobs.

Read your book, right? Who described the mandate as, quote, a deliberate move by pro-abortion politician to throw a monkey wrench in a week of pro-life events. Adding, cannot fucking make this up. How could the mayor not know that pro-lifers are among those least likely to be vaccinated due to concerns that fetal cells were used in the vaccine? End quote. But they weren't, though. They're not.

So what you're literally saying is everyone knows how stupid we are. Come on. So yeah, this is all very stupid, but on the plus side, the Covington Catholic kids will probably be there. And hopefully they'll give COVID to their families who will die. So, you know.

Alright. Silver linings. Oh, is that kid old enough to punch him in the face yet? He's way old enough. Yes. Probably. And, is that kid old enough to punch him in the face yet? He's way old enough. Yes. Probably. And while we hope for the death of children, I guess, we're going to pause for a word from our second sponsor, who is definitely hoping for a different segue this week,

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You beeped out of an ad? This character you have me doing feels like a mockery of AAVE. What is AAVE? That's African American Vernacular English. No, no. It is a mockery of white people who have co-opted AAVE.

It's very different. Is it? Yes, you're satirizing like Macklemore. Okay. who have co-opted AAVE. It's very different. Is it? Yes. You're satirizing like Macklemore. Okay. It feels like the joke is this is a funny way to talk or something like that.

I don't know. I don't feel comfortable. It is a funny way for you to talk. Guys, we haven't even talked about the product. This is a one-minute spot. Fine, fine. But I'm not doing the voice. People will love Coupon Craig.

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Wait, I mean, Craig? Are you still Craig? No, Craig is a great character, and Heath gave up on him. This is Gun Hands Willie all over again. Oh, I knew you would bring up Gun Hands Willie. You just can't let anything go. Obviously, I'm bringing up Gun Hands Willie. Okay.

And we're back. Next up in headlines, we have a new challenger in our ongoing stupid liar tournament. I can't believe we've never come across this person before. His name is Dave Hayes and he calls himself the praying medic.

And he's a former atheist. That's a real thing. So we can totally trust him to be extremely logical and not at all a liar. Oh, for sure. Yeah, he totally wanted to keep being atheist

because it's super fun to be atheist, but he just couldn't keep doing it after God spoke to him during a dream. And God said to him, pray for the people in the back of your ambulance. So now he's a Christian evangelist and a QAnon interpreter. I believe that's his title.

I don't know what that means exactly. It's okay. It's dumb. It needs interpretation. Maybe he does that. He evangelizes. He interprets QAnon for people. And also, despite being an EMT,

he's leading a crusade to end the real healthcare system. According to Dave, the healing powers of God are going to make the existence of health care obsolete. Hey, can someone who works with this guy slip an Ativan into his backpack or something so that he's not an EMT anymore? That would be great. His very existence is kind of like learning there's a bear in one out of every 50 ambulances. Right, yeah. Like an annoying bear, too. I mean, not for nothing,

but they hired my ass is a great argument for him to use against the health care system. Absolutely. So apparently, Dave the Praying Medic has a call-in show. And thanks to Hemant Mehta

being on top of his game as usual, you can see a clip of Dave's call-in show and you can see a clip of him being a failure. It's on Hemet's Twitter. So you can do that rather than signing up for Gab or Frank's speech or wherever Dave's allowed to have a platform. Definitely not Facebook or Twitter himself. So first of all, he records the show from very clearly a murder dungeon. That's back. That's the wall behind him is the wall of a murder dungeon. There's no other explanation.

There is a skeleton hanging off of shackles on that wall, actively, just off camera. And the clip I'm talking about has a guy calling in about the heartache of dealing with a miscarriage. So Dave says,

how does that make you feel? And the caller's like, dude, what? Really bad. Devastated. What? So Dave is like, okay, I got an idea. Dear Jesus, please take away being devastated from caller guy. Okay, now how do you feel? And the caller's like still bad man i don't know i'd love to like help you out here still bad and dave says okay jesus let's run that one more time do the thing i just said before take away the devastated and the still bad okay now how do you feel it's like nothing i feel nothing i guess i'm trying to help you out, man. And Dave's like, boom, you're healed.

I'm the best. All right. Next caller. Do you have a less testable claim for us? Perhaps a celestial teapot that's in need of repair. Yeah, right. So here's the explanation of how we get rid of all medicine forever. From Dave, the praying medic.

This is from another conversation with God while he was sleeping. Quote, God gave me a dream back in 2013 or 2014. And in that dream, he showed me that he has a health care system that he wants to implement that's going to replace our current system. So I got to stop right here. It's hard to remember which year it was that God gave him the magical answer to the health of humankind. It was one of those two years, 2013 or 2014. That's when he got that message.

Ballpark. Yeah. Ballpark somewhere around there. God really wants to do something, but he just couldn't implement it. So just continuing the quote here. No appointments necessary in this new health care system by God. No deductibles, no side effects. If we partner with God, we could get to a point, literally get to a point where we really don't need a health care system.

End quote. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Without the health care system, way more people end up partnered with God. Yeah, that's true. It goes worse both ways, I guess. That must be why we were so much healthier back in the far more religious days before modern science, huh? Because God can handle that so well.

Yep. And from there, Dave, the praying medic, explained how the no-deductible God plan almost happened about 100 years ago. He tells the story of a guy named John Lake who started a facility in Spokane, Washington called The Healing Rooms. Lake trained up a bunch of people in faith healing and they were so fucking good at faith healing that the Spokane Hospital had to shut down. Dave even added,

that's historical fact. You can go on Wikipedia and look it up. So again, Emmett Meadow was on the case. Emmett heard that and he was like, I think you're lying because you're a liar. That's what you do for a living. I'm going to check. I'm going to check right now. And as usual, Emmett was correct.

And it wasn't just a regular lie. It was just comedically false in every way. There was a Pentecostal missionary named John Lake who started Lake's Divine Healing Rooms between 1915 and 1920 in Spokane, Washington. And they claimed over 100,000 magical healings at that facility. No documentation of any of that, but they claimed 100,000 healings. But there is not any record of a hospital going out of business anywhere in the region. There is a record of a new hospital being built, which is a weird thing to do if a Christ wizard managed to heal everyone with magic. And I say everyone there because I Googled the population of Spokane, Washington in 1920,

and it was just over 100,000 people. And it seems like God wouldn't heal you for just the one thing and make you come back for another appointment later to get other stuff fixed. Now, everybody, take one cure from the God basket. One. Yeah, well, I mean, Christian

God's whole thing is asking his crafting project to apologize for what a bad job he did making it. So maybe he would. I feel like he would. This is his whole thing. Also worth mentioning, Hemet did find a record of one medical facility getting shut down in Spokane during that time period.

It was Lakes Divine Healing Rooms. According to a local newspaper at the time, the fire marshal showed up. He saw three total patients in the building and he had it shut down for really bad fire code violations. Just to be clear, they failed the fire code of the early 1900s, so it was like made of gasoline. Yes, two of those patients were on fire. Right, yeah. The Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire was like a couple of years before this.

Yeah. So here's the big takeaway for me anyway. Christianity. I know you're listening. Do it already. Do it. You could stop using health care and pwn atheism so hard when you don't have any ailments at all. Right.

Right in our faces. So what are you waiting for? I'll become a Christian. Do you not really believe? And in class holary news tonight fantastic with only 7 000 people with covet you get this quality absolutely with only 7 057 active church congregations and only 53 private christian schools lawmakers in oklahoma are worried that children in their state don't have enough venues to learn about Jesus in. And that's why their state Senate just filed SB 1161,

which would amend an existing law such that public schools would be not just allowed to, but required to offer an elective course on the Bible. The bill also specifies that they don't mean some fucking Catholic Bible from Satan or some kind of hippie Bible or something. Only the King James version. Okay. The bill would also

expand the possible teachers for said course to include clergy members whether or not they have any qualifications or experience in education. Okay. Well, I think Eli's with me already. It's time to run away jury ourselves into being Bible teachers in Oklahoma.

It'll be a whole big thing. It'll take us probably like some years to pull this off, but we will be able to teach the Bible for one day to real children in Oklahoma, and it'll be worth it. Oh, I'm in. But only if the parents agree to come. I need to see their faces while i reenact the book of ruth with a hollowed out ham and a wig it's important oh i thought we

would maybe do that together that's fine that's why you use a ham yeah that's cool that's cool you know why i'm using a ham you know why you're having this fight on air all right so this law is actually an amendment to an already problematic law that they passed back in 2010. Basically, they got as close to this as they felt like they could with a law-based Supreme Court. But since the SCOTUS is no longer law-based, they decided to go all the fucking way and get rid of the language that allowed it to slither just under the minimum bar for legality back then. back then. See, the 2010 law allowed for a class that would teach students about the Bible but had to abide by rules of religious neutrality and could not, quote, endorse, favor, or promote, or disfavor, or show hostility towards any particular religion or non-religious faith or religious perspective, end quote. It also required that the teacher be someone certified

to teach either social studies or literature and didn't require a specific translation of the Bible. Okay, so they were like, this Oklahoma state law that we made in 2010 is too woke. We can't show disfavor and hostility towards Muslims in our Bible class. Who can we hate anymore? We have to change this. That's literally exactly what's going on here. Now, Oklahoma schools already tried to use the existing law to create third period church when one district adopted a Bible curriculum that was developed and promoted by Hobby Lobby President Steve Green. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids at the Freedom from Religion Foundation who got a hold of the textbook in advance and threatened to sue. Shockingly, the curriculum didn't adhere

to religious neutrality and presented the bible as a historically accurate document okay kids now mr smith over in social studies might tell you there wasn't a day when the sun went out but i'll remind you he's italian on his mother's side now obviously this law as it exists is unconstitutional, but we already learned earlier in the show that the Oklahoma Attorney General isn't going to give a shit. And to be honest, I kind of doubt the SCOTUS would give a shit either at this point because we live in a world where, with a straight face, the SCOTUS can and probably will say that it's a violation of church-state separation

not to teach exclusively the KJV as though it's a record of shit that actually happened. So look for an Andrew guest spot on this one in the near future. And hey, Crash Course, if you're listening, we've already got the audio for this class. You just put in the animation. We are ready to go on this bad boy. Call us. And finally tonight in Are You Being Detained news, right-wing broadcaster Christian Pundit

and Nickelodeon original movie villain in search of a film, Stu Peters, took to the internet this week to encourage his followers to arrest government officials who enforce COVID restrictions. And I am here for it. Yeah, man, while you're at it, also divide them by zero, too. Yeah.

So Peters has been disseminating a document originally written by right-wing crazy person Josh Barnett, who is currently doing his absolute best to lose his race for Congress in Arizona. That document demands that local and state officials, quote, immediately remove all mandates because, again, quote, slavery was abolished long ago. Sure. And that failure to do so is, quote, knowingly, maliciously and with full intent, denying

the rights of the people and ignoring the oath you made as a purposeful trespass and quote knowingly and with full intent oh okay i thought they were going to get to you are hitler somewhere in there too that that's impressive good they didn't quite go full godwin good job one question though how are they going to arrest the government officials if slavery was abolished long ago? I wonder how long they'll have to stay committed to this shit post-pandemic, right? I just wonder if we'll ever reach a point where they're protesting sneeze guards at the salad bars or trying to protect the black market and use Band-Aids or something. Sir, this is literally a Wendy's. Do you have Band-Aids or something sir this is literally a wendy do you have band-aids or not so barnett's thing is obviously idiotic but stu peters has never seen a stupid he couldn't make worse which is why he announced this week quote

there's a lot of people here that we're about to arm with this information and don't let me get into the parts of the constitution about how we're just gonna come with this information. And don't let me get into the parts of the Constitution about how we're just going to come and arrest these people. But Stu, I really want you to get into those parts of the Constitution, though, please. Yeah, no, please proceed, Governor. Read from the Declaration of Independence that you think is the Constitution about that. That sounds great. But this is amazing.

He thinks they're going to arrest, like, I don't know what, the entire Biden administration with, like, I don't know what the entire Biden administration with, like, this one simple trick. Yeah, there is the declaration of some document. I can't wait. I can't wait. OK, now you guys seem skeptical. Well, don't worry.

Stu has an answer for you. A real quote again for anybody who's saying, oh, that's never going to work. Get out of here. Beat it, nerd. I don't going to work. Get out of here. Beat it, nerd. I don't want to see it. This is a real quote. This is a 100% authentic quote. Nothing about this is exaggerated or made up.

Beat it, nerd. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. For everybody that's always been saying all along nothing's ever going to happen, no. We're going to make it happen because the people's will is the law, period. So I hope that you soldiers are ready to go to battle and word for word, real quote. Oh my God, please do this. Please do it.

Please. FBI agents being like, you're under arrest, anti-vaxxers. And anti-vax idiots being like, you're under arrest, anti-vaxxers. And anti-vax idiots being like, no, I arrest you. And the FBI being like, no, we arrest you.

We arrest you. I would watch that for hours. If you think about it, we're both touching the handcuffs. Maybe. He's trying to spin out from under the cop car and push the guy in.

Nope. It's not. But I feel like we have to highlight the insidious switch that he went from arresting to murdering right at the end there.

Right? Because soldiers don't arrest people in battles. There's a different thing that they do. I just, I want to be super clear about what Stu is calling for here too.

Yeah, well, he makes that a little bit more obvious because he concludes with a bit of a rallying cry here. See if you can hear where he runs out of stuff for his list. Yeah. Well, he makes that a little bit more obvious because he concludes with a bit of a rallying cry here. See if you can hear where he runs out of stuff for his list.

Quote, we have been armed with information. We have put together, we have put a team together of people. Actually, God has put a team

of people together. No, no, no. Here it is. Ready? They have the contact information, the technology, the know-. Here it is. Ready? They have the contact information, the technology, the know-how, the knowledge.

The know-how and the knowledge, huh? The wherewithal. And the knowledge. And the platform. The gumption and the moxie. I would have bet good money that he was going to say gumption. And the platforms to make this happen on a huge scale, on a huge scale.

I hope you're ready and I hope you're excited. If we don't want dominion, then we take dominion away. We the people. Fantastic. If we don't like a certain set of laws or legislation, then we alter it or dissolve it. If we don't like a certain way that government is set up then we alter it or abolish it i'm telling you now is go time and again word for word quote i can't wait so okay i'm calling this now this is god's not dead five yep stew peters is the plot of god's

not dead five just stew peters at a bird sanctuary he's got a gun and a big box of rubber dick. I am us, the people. I thought this would go better. God's not dead five. Now it's go time. Yeah. You're under, no, I'm under arrest. Damn it. I am being detained.

So yeah, obviously we here at The Scathing Atheist, huge supporters of Stu Peters' idea to arm himself and go arrest lawmakers. Please do that, Stu Peters. And also, remember, hey, buddy, fast movements towards whatever guns you're carrying. Always a good idea. Get them out quick.

Everything's a quick drop. Well, it looks like we've got some corn to pop, so we're going to close the headlines here. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, Donald James Parker will be here to cure success. There you go, buddy. All tucked in. Thanks, man. You really didn't have to tuck me in. Of course we do. Of course we do. And how about a nice book to read?

That actually sounds great. Yeah. Well, how about Behind the Mormon Curtain, Selling Sex in America's Holy City? What's Behind the Mormon Curtain, Selling Sex in America's Holy City? It's a book by friend of the show, Steve Kuno. It's the result of spending three years interviewing non-trafficked, non-pimped, Salt Lake area sex workers, male and female, plus police officers, social workers, and mental health professionals. The book seeks to humanize an unjustly reviled population, expose some hypocrisy while protecting identities, and provide an insightful, entertaining glimpse into what, for most, is a largely

unseen world. And, of course, to provide a good read with a touch of sardonic humor here and there. With wit and sensitivity, Behind the Mormon Curtain takes a deep dive into the quintessential American religion and the world's oldest profession, as Kuno tells the story of what he discovered, how he discovered it, and what it reveals not just about Mormons, but about us all. Wow, that sounds great. And I can get it online and in hardcover? You sure can. The link is in the show notes or just Google Behind the Mormon Curtain, selling sex in America's Holy City.

Thanks, guys. Hey, one more thing. Yeah, anything you need, bud. What do you need? Yeah. Will you guys make me some Hot Pocket Soup? Yep.

Hot Pocket Soup? Yeah, yeah. It's Hot Pockets in a bowl of tomato sauce. You got it, buddy. Coming right up. Prego. You got it, buddy.

Prego. Prego. In our line of work work you end up with so many least favorite people that you eventually wind up with favorite least favorite people and high atop that list for me is actor director producer novelist okay editor casting director and third degree black belt belt in Tang Soo Do. I'm gassing on that last one. Donald James Parker, or as he's known to his fans and anti-fans alike, Gramps. He's the creator of some of the most offensive, poorest quality, most god-awful movies we've

ever reviewed over on God Awful Movies. Movies like Gramps Goes to College, Right to Believe, and of course his magnum opus, The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah. But we learned recently that he's also tried his hand in short films. So of course, that means it's time for another God Awful Mini.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched The Recycler. It's the story of Donald James Parker taking up the white man's burden, but only helping white people with what he does. It's more offensive than Rudyard Kipling's original poem, The White Man's Burden. the original poem, The White Man's Burden. And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if you want to see where the author of Gramps Goes to College auteur Donald James Parker's writing abilities started, and yes, you do. You do. You will love this mini. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best

at being the worst at? I would best best little kids who hate Donald J. Carter so much. There's two little girls that he got to act in the thing and they cannot fucking stand him.

He tries to get a hug at one point. It's so good. He gets completely, he's so rejected. They seem to be like negotiating, right? They're like $9 for the hug, motherfucker. This is the video Woody Harrison is watching in season one of True Detective.

So I was going to go with best worst humility. So in the description of this video on YouTube, Donald James Parker says that this is his quote first movie produced a short with no crew to speak of and goes on YouTube, Donald James Parker says that this is his, quote, first movie produced, a short with no crew to speak of, and goes on to say, quote, I had no clue what I was doing,

end quote. And I'm sure all of that's true, but since it implies that one or both of those things changed in some later production, I feel like it's like an honorary law. Right, exactly. A lie of omission. And the omission is the rest an honorary law. Right. Exactly. A lie of omission.

And the omission is the rest of his career. Right. And I'm going to go with best worst disguises. Oh, okay. We'll get to it. Yeah. No, fair. Fair.

All right. So we're going to start off really hammering home that no clue what I was doing point. We're going to start off with the iMovie title page thing which dissolves to deafening wind noises. Yeah. By the way, it is the St. Patrick's Day theme in the iMovie, which I appreciated

going for the Irish theme there. Sure. Sure. Why not? We should point out too that we get that title screen and it's like music, music, music, but the music doesn't fade out. There's nooda it's just music music wind noise right yeah it's so abrupt abrupt is a great way to describe this short film yeah virtually everything in this film and i love this so much so the character he's supposed to be playing is supposed to be super rich and so what he wants is to be on a yacht. Right? That's what he's like

in his mind when he thought of this. But he can't afford a yacht. So they're on like, it looks like the corner of a small ferry of some sort. That is so generous. Ferry? Yeah. No. He's on this sad little

boat that they made in like a 90s movie that kids put together with like spackle. Yep. It's so shit. And they just show the very little corner of it that they're in. Well, that's the thing is that you just see this tiny little corner. Like they're like, it's a much bigger boat. Trust us.

There's a lot more to this boat that you can't see. No, this is supposed to be his millionaire yacht. We learned right now that he is a millionaire corporate raider because he just bought a company called You Bake Pizzas for $12 million. And his, what, accountant is next to him on the corner of the boat, his assistant, and they're talking about what's happened in the corporate raider company. So they just bought a pizza company for $12 million. And this is all in a spiral

notebook that presumably says deal for 12 million on on this page like yep that's that that's his view of what a millionaire corporate raider looks like on the set yes well i love to he says to the assistant i thought they wanted 13 million he, you said to play hardball. All right. It's like negotiating on eBay. Exactly the same. Do you ever say play softball? Is anybody ever like, no, we're going to give you 14.

Give him more money. Yeah, exactly. He beat me to it. So, yeah, but he's happy that his assistant got such a good deal, but he sure wishes he was the one making the deals. Why? Life has just lost all its meaning to him now that he's so rich and successful. Sure. Yeah. He explains that he's like the dog at the racetrack.

If they ever catch the rabbit, they never chase it again. And I wrote in my notes, I don't think that's true, Donald James Parker. I don't think you caught the rabbit, Donald James Parker. It's Donald James Parker. I don't think you caught the rabbit, Donald James Parker. It's Donald James Parker being like, I am too successful.

Life is too easy for me. I'm too good at everything. I have nothing left to do. It's so fucking funny how not self-aware it is. And then, of course, his assistant is like, well, you know, I do know one thing that'll bring the joie de vivre

back but it would require you trading places with a pauper it's a whole thing there's a whole thing oh I thought it was gonna be something I was like please start fucking on this sad little boat the two men brings back the joie de vivre for his boss right now is butt sex

how Donald got his groove back at one point I love one line too for his boss right now is butt sex. How Donald got his groove back. At one point, I love one line too. The assistant's like, oh, don't feel bad. Like, I mean, you're very successful.

You've built an empire. And the assistant starts to wave his hand at the sad little boat to be like, empire. He literally gives up on the wave. He's like, no. That's not even,

it's not even in the frame i don't care i can't do it this sinking ice cream truck we're sitting on maybe we well and i love too he's like but if we're gonna go with my idea though we have to first go shopping at the salvation army and buy ourselves some cheap clothes but they're wearing like men's warehouse stuff to begin with right like it's not they're wearing like what you dig from the dumpster behind men's warehouse yeah exactly so they

go shopping at the Salvation Army and then they go to a homeless shelter to fake homelessness for some of that sweet sweet soup yes the accountant the guy walks over to them because the scene has started

and he's like, hello, why are you here? And they're like, yes, we just got out of jail. And I wrote in my notes, for fashion crime? If you shat every article of clothing you had on you

at like six flags, this is how they would dress you. I just, I guarantee you they had these clothes. It's not like in Pulp Fiction where it was just funny to put them in those. That's like what they were wearing. They try to sound tough here.

It's them acting as if people were acting like they just came from jail, but they're so fucking bad. So it's like, we just got out of jail for being street toughs we have not got nothing neither of us it's so fucking bad you might call us hooligans also you know since they're doing such a great job with the audio to begin with they've decided to have one character running around throughout

this whole scene with an egg beater. Yeah. Just in case there wasn't enough background noise. This will never have a reason, right? This is just wacky Dave. He's like, you know what? I would probably be playing with an egg beater, huh? My character would be. So this is what's amazing.

Donald James Parker realizes that Christian movies all have that offensive scene where they use a mentally ill person as a prop but it's donald james parker so it has to be a level lower so he's just like hey jim you're the arsler go over there and egg beat her dave at the beginning of this scene right check yeah so yeah so but but what a bizarre fucking thing his his boss says i'm not really feeling it these days. And he's like, oh, you know what we should do? We should pretend to be homeless and go to a homeless shelter.

That's what happened in this little story. So then, of course, they start talking to the operator of the homeless shelter and getting his backstory. And it turns out he is homeless because he was laid off by Donald James Parker's corporate raiders. What? Okay. Yeah. I just have a question, though. They're making it like the guy who operates the homeless shelter is also homeless.

Like, does the operator of the shelter have to live there? Is that what they think? I think that they think it's like a squat. I don't know. It's like the first guy who shows up every night is in charge that night i don't know i also love that donald j. sparker has to apologize for his crazy right-wing capitalist beliefs so he's like oh do you blame the company he's like no no business is business you know i've got bootstraps so i'm fine it's okay that i got

fired he says are you bitter? He says, no, I'm a Christian. He goes, oh, okay, well, in that case. Also, homeless shelter guy, the actor, is saying lines like it's all one hashtag with no internal caps was the script he got. So he doesn't know where

words start and end, and he's just doing his fucking best. Just big pauses in the middle of words sometimes. Amazing and he's just doing his fucking best. Just big pauses in the middle of words sometimes that don't make sense. It's rough. He's like Sean Connery reading off the board in Celebrity Jeopardy. Yeah, exactly. Catch the semen.

That's catch these men. And what would a five minute film be without a song break? Of course. So this turns into a these homeless people sure are pure and Christian montage, and we get a jarring song over top of it. Oh my god,

it's amazing. They play Go Fish at one point, and Donald is staring directly into the camera because he's very obviously just said action, and what he has decided to do for the action of Go Fish to show that his character is learning about homeless people is slam a card

down and then be like suck it suck it into everyone else's face at the card table but he misses the fucking pile and has to pick it back up and re slam it right he slams it short fails to slam it has to take a second

go like slamming a door and missing and then being like, door slam. And then he goes for fist bump that nearly caused several injuries among him and the rest of the cast. They were not ready for it. And of course,

this is where we meet the best, worst, Heath's best, worst, the kids, right? This is where the two little girls lead him to the table.

And he does like the double arms, one arm around each and you see these children just fucking freeze because they were not told ahead of time, Donald James Parker, who you know smells like French onion soup, that he was going to hug them. That's delightful though. It's Gruyere. Not in a good way

though. Not a good French onion soup. You don't want a surprise smell of French onion soup. And we should point out, by the way, that Eli already mentioned Donald James Parker staring directly into the camera. Everyone in this thing will eventually, at some point, stare directly into your soul. It's creepy as shit.

Some of them got yelled at, too, for doing that. Like, the accountant guy definitely did that too much in the cuts that we didn't see and got yelled at too for doing that like the accountant guy definitely did that too much in the cuts that we didn't see and got yelled at a bunch so like what we do see of him is like really twitchy where he like almost looks at the camera and remembers has to like snap his head back to the other side it's pretty funny well and also like two of the three scenes that he's in he's facing away from the camera we just get the back of his head the entire time that's how bad he was he's like okay you can't even have oh that's

how they solved it it can't even be in your field of view you know what you're doing push-ups for all your scenes from now on there you go god and then at the end of this little song bit he hugs he tries to hug the two little girls and they they hug the way that like,

you know, 12 year old slow dance, you know, they're like, okay, I will hug you with just my shoulders. Okay. Definitely a church camp side hug. Yeah. Yeah, right. They're so mad.

It's the best. So then, okay, so the montage ends with Donald James Parker and his assistant guy hanging out at the coffee machine, chatting about how they've learned something here today. Donald James Parker's like, the montage is over. I will see you in the next scene. Yeah, right. So we cut away from the homeless shelter. Now we've got Donald James

Parker on the phone telling his people to cancel all the layoffs that you bake pizza. Because apparently that's what he thinks a corporate raider does. He just comes into a company and then fires everybody. All right. Everyone at the pizza place is fired.

Fuck. We still need people to make. I feel like that would be a bad business model. Why did we buy this place? Now we're losing. We've absorbed their pizza making technology. And that's why we had this merger. Ovens.

Shit. Also, like I've worked at a lot of pizza places in the past. They don't lay you off. No. Not just for corporate reasons. For any reasons. Noah can assure you. There's never been a reason someone's been like,

you're not Domino's material. There's a redundancy with our merger with Bob's. Right. No. No, no. That's not how it would work. But yeah, his plan here is he's going to open one location of that shitty pizza chain

right here in town and make the guy who runs the homeless shelter the manager of that pizza place. That's his like solution here. Who will run the homeless shelter then? Also, maybe the... I mean, I feel like maybe running the homeless shelter is a better job. It seems to me, you probably, I wanted to show Donald Parker going like, okay, Shane,

would you like to be the manager of You Bake Pizza? And him being like, no. No, I would rather not do that. I prefer not to. Yeah. But then, and then he says, not only that, not only is he going to hire Shane, but they're going to go down to the local rehab clinic and hire everybody who wants a job.

Yeah. Also homeless equals heroin. So we'll need a rehab. You know what? I'm just going to give a loose handfuls of methadone to everybody at the homeless shelter. You just tell everyone at the homeless shelter to show up Monday and we'll just start handing out jobs willy nilly. Hey, you wheels, you're the accountant now.

You're the janitor. Sorry, Shane. Pulled the short straw. Done. I just I wrote my notes at this point. Like, how does an adult not know how jobs work? Right. Like he has to know about jobs.

He's had them. I'm a podcaster and I understand jobs better than this person. I also love there's one point where his assistant goes for a Confucius quote and lands on a Ben Franklin paraphrase.

That was interesting. If you, a man who is buying Hallmark cards and chocolates. Shit. You're the best grandma. What? Jesus.

And don't worry, he's going to bring the title back right here at the end. Four seconds before it comes crashing down. He goes, you know, when I first started in business, which we've established, I was a recycler. Was my business. Now we've established. I was a recycler. Was my business. Now I recycle people. Recycle people? That sounds like Soylent Green.

He started his millionaire corporate raider empire with a recycling business, first of all. And then he says, now I've come full circle. And I was like, what did he think that means? I don't know. Where does the circle start and end for you in your head?

Recycling starts at filling a pizza place with homeless people. Right. And then the video ends so violently that twice I rewound it to make sure I didn't accidentally push a button or something. Me too. It's crazy. It's crazy. What did he think he meant when he said recycle people? What do you think he meant by that?

I don't know. No idea? No idea. Okay, because that's the title of his thing. I think that's why he ends it so abruptly is that the guy's other line was, what? And he's just like, no. Shut it all down. We sort the people by color into bin.

No, cut. End. End the movie. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly,

I was trying to think of a way to express to the listener just how abruptly this thing ends, but I. Wool dasher missiles. From the folks who brought you the shoe company called Allbirds comes the hoof and foof magoof hoots magoots

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