The Scathing Atheist - 466: The Pen is Mightier Edition

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

In this week’s episode, the Supreme Court crawls under yet another bar, Pastor Michael Todd gets confused by the phrase "spitting image", and Anna will be here to ratchet up our talent average. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the unofficial discord server here: https://discord.gg/SNHeqSGdMJ --- Headlines: SCOTUS to hear appeal of coach fired for coercive school prayer: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/14/us/supreme-court-football-coach-prayer.html Christians Protested a Harmless Meeting of an "After School Satan" Club: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/christians-protested-a-harmless-meeting Pastor Mike Todd Smeared Three Wads of Spit on Brother's Face Because Jesus: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/pastor-mike-todd-smears-three-wads Family Research Council comes out against racial diversity on MLK day: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/frc-biblical-worldview-fellow-racial-diversity-in-congregations-is-not-a-moral-good/ Proposed Iowa Law Would Make Teachers Stand and Say the Pledge of Allegiance or Be Fired: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/proposed-iowa-law-would-make-teachers Marjorie Taylor Greene is still upset about 'Jewish space lasers': https://www.rawstory.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-jewish-space-lasers-2656416649/

Warning, the following podcast has been rated R for strong language, partial nudity, and mild drug use. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, HelloFresh, and by the new cannibal meal service, HelloFlesh. HelloFlesh, because our advertisers don't listen to this part of the show. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Caleb, the token cishet white man of the mod team of the unofficial Puzzle in a Thunderstorm community Discord server. the Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's January 20th. And it's Penguin Awareness Day.

Head on a swivel, people. Nobody wants a Mr. Popper situation. D.I. I'm Noah Lutions. I'm Eli. D up. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Joe Rogan's New Jersey, out of Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia,

this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Supreme Court crawls under yet another bar. Pastor Michael Todd gets confused by the phrase spitting image. And Anna will be here to ratchet up our talent average. But first, the diatribe. I have never wanted to sledgehammer a cache of weapons and gold coins out of my basement floor more than I did when my wife tested positive. That actually happened mid-record.

Heath, Eli, and I were recording an episode of Gam last Friday, and when we got done, I called her and I invited her up to smoke a bowl, but she was crying. She told me I probably didn't want to smoke after her. And then she told me it was because she just tested positive for COVID. Now, look, we've all been through a lot of shit in the last couple of years. So I understand that her situation isn't exactly unique. But Lucinda's dad has two really bad lungs. And he's on supplemental oxygen pretty much all the time. And that's on top of his fucked up heart and his fucked up kidneys.

She's his chief caregiver, and she has been uber vigilant throughout this pandemic. She's always masked up. She washes her hands like a fucking surgeon. She only goes out when she absolutely has to. Contactless delivery on everything, skipping family gatherings, holidays, vacations for years now. But of course, she's been doing that in the national epicenter of COVID denialism. Sure, Lucinda is always masked up whenever she goes anywhere course, she's been doing that in the national epicenter of COVID denialism. Sure, Lucinda's always mashed up whenever she goes anywhere, but she's usually the only one. She always washes

her hands before she helps her dad with something, but she's not the only person that he sees. Hell, her own fucking family has been giving her a hard time about skipping on shit like family reunions and Christmas Eve gatherings, which her idiot fucking family has still been doing this whole time.

So obviously, inevitably, she got COVID from one of those same stupid fucking family members that's been giving her a hard time for being cautious. And I'm looking for a sledgehammer to take to my basement, and I don't even have a fucking basement. But then I got the next best thing. See, I got COVID. Of course I did. And then all of a sudden I started having these fantasies about John wicking my way through the Walmart except using my diseased coughs instead of a gun.

Just rolling through one aisle after the other, hacking in the face of every unmasked jackass plague rat in the place. Or maybe go surreptitious and just start a lot of I think this this COVID thing is bullshit conversations, but move in closer every time someone agrees with me, right? Now, of course, as bad as I wanted to throw my hands in the air and go full epidemiological massacre, I also recognize that I'd be taking revenge against myself, right? As bad as this shit already is here, it's a miracle they can keep essential services going at all. So as much as I'd like to cough in that Trump voters face, that's the guy that fixes my electricity when a storm knocks it out. And as much as I'd like to spit on the face below that MAGA hat, that's the guy who puts my house out if it catches on fire. And as much as I'd love to shit in that Bible thumpers taco, I already need him to process my sewage in a different sense completely. I already need them to process my sewage in a different sense completely. Plus, because these idiots already refuse to wear a mask, socially isolate or take a free fucking vaccine. Every one of them would John Wick the shit under just as many people, whether they set out to or not.

This pandemic has been a perpetual reminder of the way that a society will always be at the mercy of its dumbest members and not just when they vote one of their own into the Oval Office. It doesn't matter how comprehensible and thorough the instructions are if the population is illiterate. And so as tempting as it can be to throw our hands in the air and be done with it, as much as we might want to climb onto a little hill, dig ourselves a big moat and watch these idiots kill each other off from afar, we're fucking stuck with them. And look, nobody sees the futility more than we do. Our job descriptions include reading through creationist blogs and watching Christian movies every week. We stare at the functionally endless budget devoted to the stupidization of our country right in the fucking face several times a week and have for years. And nothing could be more tempting than

climbing aboard a spaceship with a thin minority of people on this planet that don't fucking suck and dipping out to Earth two without telling anybody. But unfortunately, there is no spaceship and there is no Earth two. One way or the other, we're stuck with these motherfuckers. And if we're going to cross the finish line, we're going to have to do it. Dragging their asses, kicking and screaming behind us. And that's going to be all the harder because they'll have given us fucking covid along the way they're talking

about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight on the nighttime sniffling and sneezing to my coughing aching stuffy head and fever heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to put some headlines to rest? NyQuil's the fucking best. Is that NyQuil? Bro tip, you don't have to be sick to drink NyQuil. They have to let you buy it even if you're crying. They definitely don't. The second thing is not true. So while I clear that advice with Andrew, we're going to

pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Stamps.com. Nope. Yeah. Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, I bet you were worried. Yeah, and we are.com Nope. Yeah. Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, I bet you were worried. Yeah, and we are. We are. We are very sorry. Okay. Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Alright, that was Aunt Celia. Great. Okay, we have like 50 more still. I know, I know. Hey guys, what you doing? Hey, sleepyhead. You up already? You should probably rest some more. You want us to make you more hot pocket soup?

No, thank you, I'm good. Who were you just calling? Ah, yeah. Well, okay, promise you won't get mad. Eli, I got mad at a mailbox yesterday, man. That's true, you did. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, we were kind of calling to tell everybody we canceled your funeral. You sent out invitations to my funeral?

Hey, hey, hey. Don't blame us. Blame Stamps.com. What? Stamps.com. Great question. Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office stuff and UPS shipping services that you need right from your computer. And you get discounts you can't find anywhere else, like up to 40% off USPS rates and 76% off UPS rates.

Whether you're an office sending invoices, a side hustle Etsy shop, or admittedly sending out premature funeral invites, Stamps.com will make your life easier. And all you need is a computer and a standard printer. No special supplies or equipment. You're up and running in minutes, printing official postage for any letter, any package, anywhere you want to send. Well, I guess I can at least be touched that you guys spent so much money on me. Actually, Noah, you can save time and money this year with Stamps.com. Sign up with promo code SCATHING for a special offer that includes a four-week trial,

free postage, and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code SCATHING. Okay. Well, I guess you guys have some calls to get to then. Yeah, yeah. Hi, Imogen. Yes, you got it.

Oh, I'll ask. She wants to know if there's a grave to dance on? Jesus, who is that? It's the Irish lady from the airport. Oh, well, you know what? You tell her when I said I'd see her in hell. That's what I meant. Don't tell her that.

I'm not gonna. You should, though. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court took another step in their effort to retcon the God's Not Dead franchise this week when they agreed to hear the appeal of a high school football coach who was fired for leading his team in prayer. The high court had a chance to hear this case back in 2019 but they were one ninth more sane back then and that was the ninth that mattered apparently so now the supreme holy congregation of gilead or whatever amy coney barrett's tag on her fucking stationary that

is what it says yeah has agreed to rethink this whole coercive prayer and publicly funded schools thing upside devout satanists heathen right and eli bosnick are about to get weird on the 50 yard line at some school so more than we already were yep this is yeah so first let's be super clear about what the coach did right because if you read that you know that conservative rag the new york times for example you might be fooled into believing that he quote lost his job after defying school administrators by kneeling and praying at the 50 yard line after his team's games end quote as from the opening paragraph of their story about this and that makes it sound like he just kind of he knelt down on the sideline and he crossed himself and he muttered something under his breath and he got fired for it yeah that sounds okay right yeah

well but as it admits later on in the same article what he really did was give a big public religious speech at the end of every game in the middle of the field immediately after the game ended with his players on the field and spectators still in the stands repeatedly even after his employers asked him to stop doing that shit huh i wish the new york times wouldn be a liar. I wish they wouldn't lie. Fuck. Here's the thing, though. Obviously, you can do all that stuff

at a church right after the game. Yep. Like, right after. Fifteen minutes later, you go to a church and you pray with everybody who wants to pray.

Or, even on the side of the road as you leave the school from the game would be better for everyone. That would be fine, too. What I'm saying is, Christianity is diarrhea. That's what it too. What I'm saying is, Christianity is diarrhea. We're like, hey man,

just go before the game or after the game. And he's like, now I have to Christian now, emergency. It's emergency. I have to Christian right now. And then we're like, come on man, at least get off the field and make it to the curb like a grown up dog so you don't get it on everybody else. My kids are out there, yeah damn it and now the supreme court is about to decree that you have to be

allowed to diarrhea everywhere all the time that's what's about to happen yeah for the record that's not praying that's preaching yes right those are very different yep words and and somehow i feel like maybe if the coach had been i don't know muslim he wouldn't have made it off the field let alone to the supreme court right yeah okay so now to be clear i know not all of our audience follows this exclusive as we do the legal principle here is coercion so teachers and coaches and students are all allowed to pray in schools and on the 50-yard line. Kind of hard to imagine how we would stop them from doing so even if we were so inclined. Well, see, that's what you get for skipping a game this week.

I added it. I added it. But what they can't do is coerce anyone else into praying. to praying and according to decades of supreme court precedent and just you know basic common fucking sense when an authority figure that decides how much you get to play in next week's game invites students or players to pray along with them that is de facto coercion players who don't participate are made to feel excluded by their peers they may feel that joining in the religious ceremony is a good way to stay in the coach's good graces. And of course, it's not like he then goes out of his way to like take in some Muslim speeches and some Hindu speeches and some spiritual but not religious speeches from opposing viewpoints. It's literally impossible to logically argue that allowing a coach to repeatedly give his religion the hard

sell to students doesn't violate church state separation And yet, the majority of the Supreme Court cannot wait to be convinced by those logically impossible arguments. Yep. So, hey, public school teachers who are listening, huddle up. When this coach wins the case, and I'm pretty sure he will,

I need all of you pouring milk on fetuses inside a pentagram between every goddamn period before school, after school, parking lot, and then handing out cash and like pop sockets, terrible emo music, whatever kids. I don't know what kids like. Give them money, shitty music, whatever you got to do to anybody who gets involved in that pentagram with you. Make it happen. Heath, don't be silly. Teachers don't have any money.

Right. Yeah, exactly. they already thought of this of course the argument from the other side is the same as it always was persecution isn't a legally protected term right so just like inclusive holiday greetings evolutionary biology and plain red cups these policies are persecuting christianity because by their own admission there is no way to divorce christianity from coercion right after all being an asshole about it is a huge part of their religious identity so you can't be a true christian until you're smacking people upside the head with your bible at inappropriate times and thus being forced to play by the same rules as everybody else has once again managed to be persecutorial in their minds. Only this time

it's going to be the fucking law. Okay. Upside. Upside. If this case goes the way we think it is, Patreon goal, we will show up to one of this coach's games with a loudspeaker and offer our contrary opinions on

the 20-yard line. I feel like the law is going to get clarified mystery science theater 3000 is free is speech yeah that'd be fun and in satanic panic news an illinois elementary school just had the very first meeting of their after school satan club and you know what that means. That's right. Christians are freaking out. So, a little background for those of you who haven't been following along with the after-school Satan saga. Contrary to what Christian movies we watch on a weekly basis over on our sister show, Godawful Movies Will Tell You,

Congress passed the Equal Access Act of 1984, which allowed Christians to form after-school Bible clubs at public schools. Then, in 2001, the Supreme Court said all public schools couldn't discriminate on the basis of religion in their, quote, limited public forums, end quote, which means Christians were allowed to start so-called good news clubs all over the country. And as of 2011, a whopping 5% of public schools in the United States had a good news club. Which means about 95% of public school students in the United States had no idea who Jesus Christ was. So I get why Christians were feeling persecuted. That's messed up, right? Where are they going to find out about Jesus?

Right? So what we should have pushed for is an equal time doctrine kind of solution, like where they have to let us into that 5% of schools to talk about the, you know, the logical contradictions and the donkey sperm versus after they're done. Bad news club. Spoilers. So in 2016, the Satanists stole Noah's idea and decided that if we're gonna start creating religious clubs they were gonna create the after-school satan club aka ass club now i never

noticed that it was the ass club that's so good so fucking good so yeah to be clear these ass clubs they don't actually talk about satan or even the donkey sperm versus. Instead, they focus on, you know, community building, critical thinking, social justice, boo nerd. Satan stuff. But that didn't stop Christian parents in the school district from losing their fucking minds with a local pastor protesting at the school with six other Christians during the meeting itself. Yes. school with six other christians during the meeting itself yes they might as well call it the protesting idiot says what clobbers but don't worry it wasn't just local christians losing their mind propaganda wing that would make lenny reifenstahl uncomfortable fox news released the statement from patty garibay who is the founder and executive director of

american heritage girls which is the bigger alternative of the girl scouts and she said quote at a time when youth are experiencing a mental health pandemic really really patty okay it is outrageous that a school district would allow a club based on the master of confusion and club. What? All right. Careful there, Patty Garibay. That's what the master of confusion wanted you to say.

So it's confusing. He's going to get you. I love how impossible it is for them to rein in their crazy, right? Because you just, you know, one of our handlers just said, all right, don't blame mental health issues on an invisible monster this time. OK. And then she said, yep.

Yeah, absolutely. That's what happened. So this is obviously hilarious. And if you have kids in public school, may I highly recommend requesting an ass club at your school as well? I know we try not to talk in terms of long-term goals here on Scathing Atheist, but I'm just saying if ass clubs outnumber the good news clubs

in a few years, I can die a happy man. There you go. And in great expectorations news, I just watched a grown man spit in his hand three times and then smear it all over the face

of a second grown man. That was part of my job. Yep. That was part of my, it was actually part of the spitter's job too, because he's a pastor at a mega church and he decided to do a spit based sermon about how faith in God works. And here's the big lesson from that sermon. Having faith in God is a lot like having someone smear warm phlegm all over

your face during a pandemic while you just smile and take it. And yes, faith is like that. I actually agree with this sermon that he accidentally made. And in case you're wondering, listeners, no, this is not a case where like Eli and I walked into Heath's room unexpectedly and he has to really commit to the this was for a story excuse this is actually a for real thing yeah you have no idea how many times we've heard but she's saying oh god let me put it in the show okay so the spitting pastor is Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa Oklahoma and he looks like a he looks like a beautiful man. It kind of fucks up our thing.

He's an attractive person. He's very well-dressed, and his face contains the golden ratio. No, it doesn't. It's not. I can't do it like that. I want to invite him to a really cool party at my house, but without seeming too desperate.

No. Okay. He kind of looks like a handsome Squidward. Oh, there you go. Okay. Yeah, he does. He does. Okay, so the point of the sermon was to help people get through difficult times without losing their confidence in God's plan.

So he brings his brother on stage for a demo. He's explaining how God might have super mysterious ways that seem terrible at the time. And he's pausing in the middle of his sentences to make that phlegm hacking noise and he's spit it's gross he's literally spitting into his hand repeatedly and then he says to his brother this right here is where lots of people would turn away from jesus but receiving vision from god might get nasty and then he repeats that and then he goes up to his brother right in his face he slathers a large handful of fresh spit all over his brother's face including right in his eyes all over the place revolting accepting jesus is going to be a lot like noogies

before this is over too isn't it hey bro no hard feelings about you fucking my wife at christmas would you help me out on stage with something today? I've got a metaphor I'd love to illustrate. It's gotta be something like that. So, Pastor Mike definitely thought this was going to be a super impactful moment, and his parishioners were going to love

the visceral nature of the lesson and never forget it. But they very obviously hated it. Because, again, it's revolting. Yes. Even before the money shot actually happened, you can hear the audience being like, Mike, please don't do this. We're all very uncomfortable.

Please don't. Atheists are going to make fun of this and we deserve it if you do this. Please don't do this. Stop. Stop right now. But he just keeps going like a drunk racist uncle giving a wedding speech. And when he finally does the big smearing,

he hears like, bad lesson boo we told you not to do that and he says how you just reacted just now is how people in your life will react when god is doing what it takes for the miracle she's after the sermon he's in the back yelling i told you we should have used p and have been into it who said does god have a way of doing miracles that isn't like having a loogie hocked onto your face take it seriously take it serious could have cured some covet along the way i'm doing p next time i'm definitely doing p yeah so after the smearing pastor mike explained himself by saying this is what jesus did to heal that blind man which a does not explain himself at all brother wasn't blind was he no he was not no he was not and b that's also incorrect about what jesus did in the bible story

jesus spits on the ground to make some mud yes and then he rubs the mud in the eyes of a blind guy but okay now that i think about it it's probably better that Pastor Mike doesn't know that or a bunch of things in the Bible. Fairly important point. Jesus had magic healing for us. There's that too. The only thing Pastor Mike's brother is cured of is ever helping his brother on stage again.

Yeah. Pastor Mike drops his mic. Oh, would someone get that? All the text is just shaking their heads offstage. Nope. Get it yourself. So, moral of the story, religion in a nutshell right here.

Please spit on my face and tell me it's raining. That's religion. There you go. That's religion. Yep, should have used pee. And speaking of companies that probably don't want spit-smearing segues associated with their products, it's time for a word from our other sponsor this week hello fresh luckily it's mostly triglycerides it's not

like the the bad yeah that's a lot more manageable good that's what they say hey guys what are you talking about oh i just got some blood work done this week and my cholesterol is a little high so he was actually saying i should try hello freshresh. What's HelloFresh? Well, with HelloFresh, you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. You can skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Okay, but what does that have to do with Eli's health? Well, HelloFresh offers 50 menu and market items to choose from every week, including veggie, calorie smart, family friendly, and gourmet options, including plenty of variety. Recipes like hibachi, sweet soy, bavette steak, and shrimp bring restaurant quality meals right to your

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and use code Scathing16, you can get up to 16 free meals and three free gifts? That's right. Healthy blood, here I come. Yeah, you better. We'd hate to have to buy an extra large coffin, right? Right? Wow, really?

Too far. Too far. You guys have been joking about my covet for two weeks i'm going to my room you guys did a funeral you said an invite to my mom not cool man not cool okay and we're back next up in headlines in, but what color is the content of his character news? On Monday, our nation joined together Family Research Council chose to mark the event by publishing a blog post about how racial diversity in religious

congregations is way over hyped and, in fact, is not even a moral good. Really? No, okay, go ahead, Family Research Council. Finish your thought there. It might be a moral good to maybe cleanse the ethnic community from congregations? Happy Martin luther king yeah right seriously

yep i think their first draft was just the n word yeah sounds about right and then it got worse yeah right right it's like yeah no but that doesn't meet the word count it's like right i have to elaborate so this nugget of wisdom comes to us from joseph backholm who earned a bit of notoriety last year for his post about how critical race theory is incompatible with Christianity and not just because it's a true thing that's taught in real schools. Anyway, in his recent blog post, he didn't exactly argue against racial diversity, though the fact that I felt the need to include the word exactly should tell you a lot about what he did argue. It's a bad sign. His point was that while a racially diverse congregation could be a sign of a good thing, it is not, in his misguided estimation, a good thing in and of itself. After a few paragraphs spent shitting on megachurches and their diversity initiatives, Backham explains, quote, nowhere does scripture command us to have racially diverse congregations end quote right because that would conflict with the parts of the bible about

definitely doing ethnic cleansing yeah it tells you something about that doesn't it bible now but to his credit i feel like this comes from a place of but i can still think the n-word even when i'm saying african-american and i get how little credit i'm giving him it's no accident but his fear such as he has one is that people will see a racially diverse congregation and assume that the work of combating racism is therefore done but he only thinks that because he doesn't value racial diversity in and of itself right if he did he'd realize that the point of racial diversity actually isn't looking less racist right there there actually is a value in including diverse perspectives from people who can for example point out the fundamental

flaw in your racist ass mlk day blog post before you click publish. Well, guys, really, the segregated country club is woke if you think about it because they're stopping all the black and the Jewish people from getting complacent. Yeah. Which I think we can all agree they tend to be. You're welcome. And send.

Yeah, what? And in you pledge allegiance to the flag news. In a move so comically fascistic, Reverend Estes Perkle depicted it as anti-communist propaganda in his Christploitation films of the 1960s and 70s. A law proposed in Iowa this week would make teachers stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance or be fired. That's where we are as a country. Does Jesus give you candy? Okay, I guarantee this is related to the Supreme Court case about the football coach. Some idiot in the Iowa State Senate was like, OK, if we get fired for praying, then they get fired for not praying to the flag, the fabric flag. I did a parallel.

Right. Now, that was the compromise. Once his colleagues explained to him that not on praying isn't a thing one can do yeah so the bill in question senate file 2043 was introduced by the appropriately named state senator adrian dickey and would require all k through 12 teachers to say the pledge of allegiance unless they have a disability that prevents that okay would require those same teachers to stand for the pledge of allegiance Allegiance as they recite it, unless they have a disability that presents that. And perhaps most terrifyingly of all, would ban all K-12 teachers from saying anything about the Pledge of Allegiance that students could interpret as, quote, unpatriotic, end

quote, or politically influential. But that's literally anything about anything right so i could say the pledge of allegiance is a pledge of allegiance to a flag and i absolutely intend for that to be both unpatriotic and politically influential how could that not be what the bill says you have to find a way to pledge allegiance to future government policies apolitically. What? Okay, I just really like this fabric. Please don't tell your parents.

I will follow this flag wherever it goes. Now, you're probably wondering, okay, Eli, that's terrifying. But does the rule spell out the punishments for those teachers? And yes, yes, it does. Quote, a first offense would lead to a written warning, a letter sent home to parents. Wait, the teacher's parents? I'm sorry. No, go ahead.

And a notice. I hope they do that. And a notice to the Board of Education. and a notice to the board of education a second events all of the above again and a one week suspension without pay a third

events all of the above again sorry just put yourself in the shoes of a sane parent when you get the third letter Mrs. Smithers sat on her fat fucking ass again and of course the teacher would be fired

end quote wait i don't want to i don't want to skip over this the last offense has them give them a one week unpaid suspension and then fire them i'm so confused why are we doing that just infinity weeks okay but here's the thing here's the thing as funny as that is with this supreme court this law is like not a lock that it's gonna get overturned if it gets passed right should this craziness make it through and it's worth noting that iowa passed a law last year requiring the pledge in all public schools. So it's not out of the question. You might have to wait 40 years till we have a sane enough Supreme Court to fix it. But don't worry, by then you won't be able to vote without Emperor Barron Trump's permission.

Yeah, right. Don't sweat it either way. It's not going to matter. But the whole country got that message about Jill Stein. I was going to say, but at least Joe Manchin can face the voters of West Virginia. Yeah, it's useful. Good job. And finally tonight, it's time for a quick reminder about some

very important things that need to be repeated every so often. One, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping next to the crematorium and the pornographic bookstore. Oh, okay. Reset the pornographic bookstore. Okay, reset the counter, Noah. Two, Ben Shapiro's

wife told him a wet vagina is a disease and he believed her. Reset both counters. And three, anti-vaxxers are drinking pee. Call Staples, we gotta make a third counter. You're never getting anything from the prize box. You're never getting anything from the prize box. Really doing that. I don't want anything from the prize box. That's happening right now. They're drinking

pee. Tall glasses of pee are being chugged right now. And normally, I'd also include one of Marjorie Taylor Green's greatest hits in the reminder segment, but there's no need because she brought it back up herself last week. During an interview with Mike Huckabee, she lamented how sad

she is lately. Marjorie Taylor Green's sad. She lamented how sad she is because people are still being mean to her about suggesting that California wildfires were caused by the Rothschild family using their space

lasers to clear land for train stations, which by the way, do not exist. I get it, guys. That's like at least 37 batshit public declarations ago. Let's be mean to her topically, all right?

The scathing atheist motto, let's be mean to them topically. So yeah, the real victim here in that whole thing about wildfires and anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, it's Marjorie Taylor Greene, the white Christian lady. She's the victim.

Huckabee and MTG were talking about her negative representation in the media. And here's what she said. Quote, terrible attacks, especially about silly things about something called Jewish space lasers. That's a term I had never used in my life.

Now she has to be clear. She'd never used used in her life, but someone wrote an article and then they copied and pasted and put it all across the media. You don't have to do that, buddy. That's not how it works, no. Continuing the quote though,

that really hurt my feelings because I'm a Christian and I would never say anything against any group of people. Don't say Jews and Israel. Especially Israel. Oh. She said especially any group of people especially Israel. She said especially. She did say especially Israel at the end. I would never do that.

I would never say anything against any group of people. Marjorie Taylor. You might as well claim you've never claimed anything. I actually like this direction. next interview she's going to be like who's marjorie taylor green i'm gargery galartine and i'm still allowed to be on

committees i'm schmovek mokovich and i'm in the australian open yeah and while we're on the subject of mtg and her super healthy relationship with with Judaism, let's not forget about last spring when she compared a mask mandate to the very literal Holocaust. And then she tried to dig herself out of that hole by going to the Holocaust Museum and explaining how she learned at age 47 that it was actually a pretty bad time, that whole Holocaust thing. Yeah, way worse than wearing a mask now that she thinks about it and had some visual aids to help her learn that lesson at the museum. So that's the context when I also mention that MTG claimed she didn't even know the Rothschild family was Jewish at the time of her comment. Really?

So to be clear, she was saying an evil cabal of international bankers of undetermined religion set california on fire with lasers from outer space not necessarily right jewish space lasers but all the other stuff i said is true i feel so sorry for her tall tyler right he tells her to walk walk back. California wildfires were a false flag event created by Jewish space lasers. And she walks it back to secular space lasers. It's owned by Jews. Secular space lasers. He's resentfully setting out the ice cream party anyway.

I mean, she did walk back. I said, walk back. She said, get back. She didn't. It's true. But the sprinkles at the end. Yeah. She still gets the personal pan pizza. Damn she gets something from the prize box in fairness to mtg

though which it's a weird way to start a sentence i know but in fairness mtg she made an official statement explaining that she did not intend to blame jewish people as a whole for the space lasers just that rothschild family that happens to be Jewish. That being said, in fairness to the rest of the universe, if someone says, I did not intend to blame the Jews for the space lasers, if that's a sentence you've said in your life, so many things have gone horribly wrong in your life to get to that point where you said that, and we should be mean to you.

That's insane. Oh, and speaking of things going horribly wrong in one's life, we're talking about Marjorie Taylor green for a living. So we're going to take a quick break while I come to grips with that one more time. Heath, Eli,

thanks as always Christian space lasers. And when we come back, Christian music will be here to put the nay back in Sarah name. Well done. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. As you may know by now, our very own Noah and Lucinda Lusions have COVID. What you might not know is that according to Patreon's inner metrics,

nothing drives new patrons like a medical emergency. That's right, Eli. So we thought we'd take this moment while both Noah and Lucinda have COVID. Maybe you heard of it. It's very dangerous. To remind you that you can support the show for as little as a dollar an episode over at patreon.com slash scathing atheist. Do Lucinda and Noah have $10 thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills? Maybe they could.

But if you wait to find out, they'll already be too poor for you to help. That's right. Just picture Lucinda with a sad little tin cup begging for money. And that's because you weren't a patron. Yeah, and if nothing else, as the light fades from Noah's eyes for the last

time, he'll know that you cared enough to pledge as little as a dollar over at Patreon.com. Hey, guys, what are you doing in the recording studio? Nothing. Nope. Buying a hop plant. Ho tree. Okay. You guys were kidding about using me and Lucinda's COVID to ask for new patrons, right?

What? Of course. No, we would never. Okay. All right. I'm going to go lie down for a bit. I feel terrible. Oh, you do that, buddy.

Take care of yourself, man. You heard that, right? He's dying. Totally dying. Patreon.com slash scathing atheist. Tin little cup. Of all the things that Christianity can't do, perhaps there's nothing they can't do harder than music.

Which is weird, because if you think about it, they had a head start. But to remind everyone of just how little they managed to do with that head start, we're happy to present another installment of God Awful Music. Music, music, music, music. We do that in post but thank you and lending us her musical expertise and her echo once again is anna bosnick anna welcome back thank you i'm so happy to be here happy to have you so tell, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We listened to My Jesus by Ann Wilson. It's the story of grieving about a family member who just died and then having Ann Wilson sing in your face about Jesus.

Fun fact, it's also the story of my literal evangelical cousin at my literal dad's funeral last year. Except he doesn't quite have the musical talent of Ann Wilson, so that was fun. He's close, though. He's close. And Eli, on a scale of one to

Heath's dad's funeral, how bad was this music? Well, if you love infomercials, but the ShamWow and OxyClean worked too damn well for you. We'll love this Christian music. There is not a better way than Jesus. Don't answer yet. Should have been a lyric. Yeah.

All right. So, of course, Anna, we gave you your choice. This was your selection. So what made you choose Let Me Tell You About My Jesus? So, as you know, I'm morbidly fascinated with Christian music. As someone who was raised atheist, it's wild to me that a whole genre of music can spring out of one book. Right? It's like wizard rock became mainstream but even

then like there were seven books 10 movies and all of pottermore you know fan fiction to like draw from but anyway eli and i were out picking up takeout when i heard this song for the first time and i was waiting in the car while he went in to get it and this song comes on and it's one of those like songs that just writes the parody for you so like i was like oh this is amazing and so i paused it i waited until eli was coming out of the building and then i blasted it and rolled the windows down and he came back out also it was released on my birthday last year so i feel like this is god's intention for me to hear this right so you hear that ann wilson anything that we say about this is god's will that's right damn it mysterious ways and mysterious way he inspired

you to write this song so that when knowing we were gonna do this bit right absolutely all right so let's break down the lyrics here this is let me tell you about my jesus by ann wilson it starts off with the opening line is are you past the point of weary? And I'm like, weird to be so this early on, but yes. Which is followed by, is your burden weighing heavy? Now that's heavy as pronounced to rhyme with weary. Is your burden weighing heavy? She's so fucking bad with rhyming,

which is a really easy concept when you think about it. But to be fair, Ann Wilson is very intoxicated throughout. So pretty much all the noises rhyme in her singing style. Sure. It's like she didn't get the memo that Dolly Parton has something wrong with her and she was just like, that's the country voice. Should I have more bread in my mouth? mouth yeah a little bit more bread in your mouth so so but she takes another crack at that rhyme so after is your burden way and heavy she says

is it all too much to carry let me tell you about my jesus listen i am a fan of a slant rhyme because you know perfect rhymes tend to be overused but But like, you can do better than weary, heavy care. Yes. And of course, this results with let me tell you about my Jesus. Yeah. So it sounds like, hey, you fucking tired. Try our blood of Christ energy. Yeah, there you go.

Right. I'm just glad she told us about Jesus. Those first few lyrics I thought she was going to tell us we all had COVID. So she's going to take another crack at it here. Do you feel that empty feeling? It's called depression and yes, and I take a pill for it. Wait, wait, there's more. Because shame's done all it's stealing.

And I'm like, don't sell yourself short, Anne. Shame is not remotely done with you yet. Yeah, I was like like that's a spicy line to throw in there but then i realized christians are just they want you to be ashamed of everything oh that's true yeah okay what did she think that line meant that like shame stole your other feelings so you feel empty that's shame You're trying too hard, man. But then she follows this up with, and you're desperate for some healing. Yes, Song.

I also think the healthcare in this country is bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Okay, but shouldn't Christian people be super happy when their Christian family member dies? Like Christian funerals should all be keg parties. Really? Yes. Really?

You're not a liar. If I was certain my dad was an eternal paradise right now, it would have been a different whole thing last year. Yep. For sure. They're all liars is what I'm saying. Absolutely. And then of course once again, let me tell you about my Jesus. No, thank you.

I'm getting off the subway early just to avoid you. Walk the last few blocks. If that's the response to your song, no good. So, and then we get the chorus. The chorus is amazing.

It starts with, he makes a way where there ain't no way. Okay. Okay. Let's talk. I'm sorry. Yes. We talked about Ryan scheme.

Yes. We talked about it, but now I know what you're going to say. Wait, did you rhyme way with way? Why did you rhyme way with way? No, it's not the fucking problem because it's not supposed to rhyme. Doesn't have to rhyme. The first one isn't even a rhyme.

She could have used literally any other word. A bop-ba-do-ba-ba-da-ba-bee. La-ba-ja-ba-ga-do-ba-da-bee. You know, it's like she could have used path, road, door. He makes a road where there'd be fucking horse and buggy. An iron chariot, for example. He makes a way. Don't say way again.

I said way again. Is this all in the song? Stop writing it down. Stop. All right, I'm singing it all. This is all in the song. To be fair, if the lyrics had devolved into her just saying way, way, way, way, way, way, way. of devolved into her just saying way way way way way way well that would be better than the next line which is and i quote rises up from an empty grave well now it's empty well how does

the logistics work in your head and it can't be so anyway there's buddy graves There's Buddy Graves. She's being specific. It's not that. I forgot Heath's Irish. They have Buddy Graves. That's fair. You expect me to pay. No, no, no. No, no, no. Ain't no sinner that he can't save.

Anne, have you met my husband? No, she has not. No, she has not. No, I want to watch the 19-hour therapy session between Eli and Jesus Christ in Nazareth. I want that 19-hour therapy session where Jesus has to go see somebody after that. Just smoking cigarettes by the end. All right.

Yeah, I'm an atheist. Fine. I'm an atheist. I don't make any sense. He ate four Oreos at a time. Once again, of course, she gives us the let me tell you about my Jesus. Let me tell you about my Allah.

Oh, you're leaving. Crazy. Wait, there's more chorus though. She goes, his love is strong and his grace is free. And the good news is I know that he, yes, to nail the rhyme with free, she had to cut herself off mid-sentence he can do for you what he's done for me okay she couldn't even find the end of a grammatical

phrase to cut it no sentence it's worse than cutting it mid-sentence. She had to cut it between a pronoun and a verb that go together there. Yes! And of course, once again, let me tell you about my Jesus. Okay. About that can do for you what he's done for me. I mean, no offense, Sam, but you're not even at the top of the gospel charts. I'm questioning

Jesus' credentials here. Yeah, I mean, gospel and Christian charts is slightly different, but you know, no biggie. By. Yeah, I mean, gospel and Christian charts is slightly different, but you know, no biggie. By the way, I checked the hot Christian songs of the year chart from Billboard. Oh boy. My Jesus was number six. Kind of sad. Lots of Christians being

like, no, thank you. Go to the next subway car. Number two was Hurricane by Kanye. Oh, okay. And number one was You Say by Lauren Daigle, which was also the number one hit for all of 2020. They're so fucking boring.

They had the same number one song of the year for two years. So yeah, but so the chorus wraps up and let my Jesus change your life. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen. Amen. Again. Way.

Way men. Shit. Way. So now it's time for some practical examples of what loving Jesus can do for you in verse 2. Who can wipe away the tears? And I'm like, okay, so we can all do that. I mean, most of the people.

Is that a supernatural tear wiping? You don't have arms. But it is, though. But it is, right? So who can wipe away the tears from broken dreams and wasted years? Oh, I get it, Ann. I've got a bfa too don't worry mom and dad i can always fall back on podcasting that's that's a fallback wait i love this and tell the past to disappear oh oh well how the fuck do you propose to do that right yes be gone all right amnesia bam well drinking works i'm just saying oh oh there you go so once again she she throws the pitch out let me

tell you about my jesus and i'm like you're telling us about your fucking anyway so that she goes on and all the wrong turns that you would. Yep. Nail in the cadence and really crushing it. She might as well have the word ellipsis in the lyrics. So all the wrong turns that you would go and undo if you could. Careful now, Anne. You do not want to fuck with time travel.

Yeah, no, it always goes bad for you. It always goes bad. Who can work it all for your good? To be clear, she's saying for me, it would be like I die from liver failure, but then somebody sings this song at my mom during my funeral and that's the good scenario? Yeah, that's Jesus turning it around. So then she says, let me tell you about me.

Jesus, we get the chorus again. I write my notes. This song is the melody equivalent of the starting avatar with the plain eyes. Also, if I can play the drums for your song perfectly, which I literally can't. I don't know how to play the drums. But I can play.

It's a boring fucking song if I can do that. Yes, it is mayonnaise sandwich the song. If you can position drums underneath a roof in the rain it'll play it perfectly. So, okay. So the rhyming is about to get even worse guys. Here's the bridge.

Who would take my cross to coverage? There's a lot of trouble with that. Pay the price for all my guilty. Anne's just at the airport moving syllables from one suitcase to another, trying to get me to fucking sit. I don't know what she's so guilty about. That's just all I want to know. Calvary.

Calvary. She squinches it real tiny to put it in there. It's a lot of the bread. But also, pay the price for all my guilty. That doesn't make any fucking sense. That's what you're desperately trying to rhyme into that sounds like a drunk guy asking you to bail

him out from jail right hey I had four of the ice cream mimosas things at TGI Fridays and I tried to fuck a car again will you come down and pay the price for all my guilty it's supposed to be guilty people

though. It's about Jesus here and she's just like couldn't fit people in. She's like, yeah, I'll cut it guilty. There we go. That rhymes with the thing I said. Oh, right. Those are all my people who are guilty. All my guilty. I see. Okay. Yeah, but followed by who would care

that much about me? See, it fits. Well, hot Christian songs and Christian airplay both think you're number one. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah, I guess you know the pool you're in. Yeah, there you go. So then once again, we get the

let me tell you about my Jesus. Oh, and then we get the chorus yet again. Stop time chorus. Yeah, we all the music cuts out only drums and clapping. Yes. You know, it wouldn't be good enough for Christian radio if they didn't try to get you to clap along from the car line at McDonald's. There is this fantastic moment that happens in all Christian country

where they know how rhythmic their audience is. So they're like one. I'm counting down to the clap. Is everyone ready? Three, two, clap, clap,

clap, clap, clap. And of course, this ends once again with hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Let my Jesus change your life. Amen. Way, way, way life amen way way way way way way way man

yeah as i mentioned before this parody sort of wrote itself and as it happens i don't really have the um anatomy required to sing it so actually, actually, Eli, if you don't mind, would you hit it? A pun intended. Yeah, Eli, don't hit it. Not like that. Hey, hey, hey now. Speak for yourself.

Are you past the point of tired? Is your skin a little drier? Do you feel an itchy fire? Is it a rash or just uncleanness? Well, what if I could shift it? All your fears

and woes are lifted with this gift that I've been gifted. Let me tell you about my penis. When you're feeling sick like it ain't no joke, your rise is up almost unprovoked. Let me offer you its gentle poke. Let me tell you about my penis. I'll fix your flu and your leprosy, your chicken pox, your cough, your sneeze. I'll fix your flu and your leprosy Your chicken pox, your cough, your sneeze I'll read you of your Lyme disease

Let me tell you about my penis Just please don't tell my wife I'ma do ya I'ma do ya I'ma do ya I'ma do ya real good Real good If your PCP fails ya Or no one knows what ails ya

Have you tried my genitalia? Let me tell you about my penis If you're feeling really weak it will get you back upon your fleek yeah cause my wiener's got a secret let me tell you about my penis

when you're feeling sick like it ain't no joke he rises up almost unprovoked. Let me offer you his gentle poke. Let me tell you about my penis. I'll fix your flu and your leprosy. Your chicken pox, your cough, your sneeze. I'll rid you of your Lyme disease.

Let me tell you about my penis. Just please don't tell my wife i'ma do ya i'ma do ya i'ma do ya real good real good health insurance in this nation won't cure that inflammation. But it's an in and out patient operation. Won't you let me tell you about my penis? Have you heard the good word about my penis? He'll leave you feeling pure pristine. Joe Rogan thinks it cures COVID-19.

Let me tell you about my penis. He'll fix your flu and your leprosy. Your chicken pox, your cough, your sneeze. He'll rid you of your Lyme disease. Let me tell you about my penis. Just

please don't tell my wife. How please don't tell my wife. I'ma do ya. I'ma do ya. I'ma do ya real good. Real good. I mean, it depends on your definition of good, I guess.

I'ma do ya. I'ma do ya. I'ma do ya. I'ma do ya. Please don't tell my wife. Seriously though, don't snitch. Eli, I wrote

the song. Before we power down tonight, I want to remind you that I'm going to be giving a talk at the Free Flow Conference in Orlando, Florida on the first weekend of March. If you're still a little too covid shy for travel i totally get it but the organizers are taking every possible precaution and it stands to be a hell of a time be sure to check the show notes if you're interested anyway that's all the blast we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the

lookout for a brand new episode of our sister's hot friend god awful movies doing big on at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-Sister's House citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, it wouldn't quite be a show if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for stepping in on the edit at the last minute last week. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for stepping in on the diatribe every bit as last minute. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who's recovering a little bit slower than me, but should be back by next week. I want to thank Anna Bosnick one more time for lending us her talents again this week.

I also want to thank Caleb for writing this week's Farsworth quote, and for all the work that he and the others are doing moderating the Discord server. If you'd like to check it out, look for a link on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds. Mark, I've been drinking break fluid. XR, Cindy, and Greg, you got the touch. Josh, Jen, Justin, Jared, Jake, other Josh,

Travis, Ralph, Gary, Darius, I was once a big G, other Travis, Auntie Sarah, I took legal advice from a podcast, Ty, Miriam, Bunny, and Christy, whose IQs are higher than my white blood cell count. Together, these 24 fantastically fuckable freethinkers four-win a forkful of their fortune to further fortify the foundations

of our fulminating fury this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, Thank you. provided by the law office as a P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark who also wrote all the music

that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAlias.com. Please enjoy Nightil responsibly.

Dude, you're cut off if you're weeping while you're trying to buy NyQuil. The bartender has to cut you off. That's a law. No, that is the law. The preceding podcast is a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2022.

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