The Scathing Atheist - 491: Surfing the Webb Edition

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

In this week’s episode, stupid people blow up the don't be stupid rocks, Christians yell at a sandwich, and we learn how one science documentary as a kid can lead to a lifetime of sin. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: On the offhand chance you haven’t seen the JWST images from the diatribe, you’ll find them here: https://www.nasa.gov/webbfirstimages Idiots try to blow up Georgia Guidestones: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/vandals-finally-destroyed-the-satanic-georgia-guidestones/ Anti-LGBTQ writer claims she’s being ‘silenced’ for her Christian faith: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/anti-lgbtq-writer-claims-shes-being-silenced-for-her-christian-faith/ The Family Research Council is now considered a church by the IRS despite not being a church: https://www.propublica.org/article/family-research-council-irs-church-status Restaurant vandalised for having a sandwich called the Cheesus Christ: https://www.derbytelegraph.co.uk/news/cheesus-christ-sandwich-sparks-threat-7280159.amp Christian “prophet”: The Constitution requires Biden to have 20% popularity: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/christian-prophet-the-constitution-requires-biden-to-have-20-popularity/ Canadian judge grants ex-J-Dubs right to see files religious leaders kept on them: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/ex-jehovahs-witnesses-may-get-access-to-elders-files-on-them/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, so either turn it off or stop being such a fucking baby. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Allbirds, ZipRecruiter, Stamps.com, and by how fucking awesome the first James Webb telescope images were. The first James Webb telescope images. I know that it doesn't fit into the format of this show at all for me to bring it up here, but holy fuck were they awesome. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

This is a shout out to some people who are very special to me. They gave me the words for which I have been searching since I was a teenager. First, my name is Robert Sellers, and I am an atheist. I am damn proud to speak against the tyranny of conscripted ignorance, and I am damn proud of the company I stand in. Second, we did abso-fucking-lutely evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's July 14th.

And it's International Non-Binary People's Day. Hey, Eli, Eli, you know why lots of non-binary people live in California? Why's that, Heath? Because there's gold in them there hills. How dare you? I have no illusions. I feel like fasting. I'm Heath Enright. And from Whitney, Houston, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, stupid people blow up the Don't Be Stupid rocks. They do. Christians yell at a sandwich. And we learn how one science documentary as a kid can lead to a lifetime of sin. But first, the diatribe. I mean, don't get me wrong. The Sistine Chapel is fine, right, as far as ceilings go.

But it's getting knocked down a peg on the profound and beautiful images of creation presented on ceilings list every time a planetarium projects the James Webb image of the Carina Nebula from now on. I mean, no disrespect to Michelangelo here. He had a pretty solid imagination and all, but nobody in the 16th century could have imagined how beautiful and awesome creation really is. And we were reminded of that in stunning fashion on Tuesday when the first handful of images from the new space telescope were revealed. They were visually exquisite

yes obviously but their beauty was like the seventh most incredible thing about them we peered through dust clouds that used to be opaque to us we measured things that used to be unknowable we saw further back in time than we've ever seen before in just a half a dozen images we were shown in the starkest possible way the way that this new observatory is going to advance the threshold of human knowledge. Now, you can learn a lot about technique, history, theology, and aesthetics from studying the Sistine Chapel ceiling. You can probably learn a hell of a lot more than that, but you're never going to use it to measure the Hayashi limit or determine the minimum mass requirements for star formation. Look, I've talked before on this show about how formative the Hubble Space Telescope

was on my path towards rationalism. I was never really religious, so I don't have a becoming an atheist journey so much as a discarding pseudoscience journey. And seeing those first images in my, fuck am I old, in my early 20s was a big part of the impetus to start down that road in the first place. I actually did a whole diatribe about it way back on episode eight. And gazing into those first glimpses of the James Webb was a potent reminder of the awe that inspired me back then. And it was a lot of fucking awe. I don't mind saying that I first saw several of those images through the lens of tears.

The one that really stood out to me, both aesthetically and scientifically though was the one that they're calling the cosmic cliffs it's the one of the diaphanous curtain of interstellar gas with its baroque topography carved by a retreat from the relentless blistering radiation of newborn stars defiant pillars rising from the cosmic palisades like the fingers of galactic giants all of it set against the vast and sparkling void of infinity so sorry it's the one that looks like a mountain ridge i know i should just say that it looks like a mountain ridge but holy hell how do you look at that motherfucker and not bust out the ten dollar words not only is this a gorgeous picture that you could get lost in for hours but it's also a perfect exemplar of what makes this particular telescope so valuable. We image the same area with the Hubble, but the gas

and interstellar dust were too thick to see through in the visible light spectrum. James Webb is an infrared telescope, though, so it can see through those barriers to the stars beyond. In this one picture, the edge of our knowledge literally recedes before us. When our ancestors thought of creation, they broke out their very best stories. They strained the limits of their imagination to the breaking point. But we've seen where sons are really born, and we know that nothing they thought of could compare to the real thing. When they looked to the stars and the heavens, they peopled them with the greatest heroes they could think of, their most fanciful imaginings. But when you look at the vastness contained in the web's first deep field image, you realize that

every grain of the sky contains more heroes and monsters than all the mythologies our world could ever sire. What was really out there was a vastness so overwhelming their gods would cower before it. It's a vastness so profound their notions of God can't even be reconciled with it. The universe is literally too big for their God to fit into. And that's something that we could only discover when we stopped looking for God and started looking beyond him. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the DTW and EWR to my JAX Heath Ed Wright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to bring this one home? Ah, such an amazing buddy trip. So much fun. And on the way home, no problem with the airlines. But I fit into my seat on the plane on the way home noticeably less

easily. Like way harder. Heath, I've told you this before. That's not a weight thing. That's a pocket cheese thing. It was both. Alright. Well, before I get tricked into another What's in Heath's Pants conversation, we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Allbirds. It's cheese.

And then this one is a weed-infused ice cream parlor. Just six years you've been talking to me about food and you knew about all these? I thought maybe you'd like the cucumber tasting. I don't think you did. Hey, guys. What's going on? Hi. Hey, Heath. Who's that on? Hi. Hey, Heath.

Who's that? Oh, this is Steve. He's the kid who made my fast fashion sneakers. His working conditions were not great, so I just brought him along. I see. How's that going for you two? Honestly, not great.

I still have six more kids to take care of based on my other pairs. So it's a lot. Look, Heath, if you're looking for shoes that are better for people on the planet, why don't you try the Tree Runner from Allbirds? What? The Tree Runner from Allbirds?

Seriously? Now? Now you talk. Just now? What are the points? The Tree Runners are made from eucalyptus tree fiber, a lightweight, breathable, and silky soft material that's as good for the planet as it is for your feet.

Okay, but what about like the people who make the shoes? How do you know they're okay? Allbirds only sources from a select number of strategic suppliers that are willing to certify via their contracts and supplier code of conduct. This certification ensures workers are treated with dignity, fairness, and an elevated regard for their health and safety. They also expect full transparency of their own supply chains, providing Allbirds the names and locations of their sub suppliers. Allbirds also expects supplier factories to undertake an onsite social assessment by a professional independent third party social assessment firm.

Wow. Not a lot of shoe companies do that. They sure don't. Quiet, Steve. I'm still mad at you. Okay. So how do I get a pair of shoe companies do that. They sure don't. Quiet, Steve. I'm still mad at you. Okay, so how do I get a pair of these Allbirds? Find your new favorite shoes for sunny days and upcoming travel at Allbirds.com. That's A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S dot com.

All right. Well, looks like it's just you and me after all. Does that mean I can call you Daddy? I don't like labels. Seem a little old to be hung up on that stuff. Aren't you a little young to be working in a factory? Yes. What I thought. And now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight.

Christian idiots blew up the Georgia Guidestones lastestones last week yes they did sort of we'll get to that so just in case anyone's not familiar with the guidestones i'll explain what they are but you don't really need that information i'll tell you anyway but you don't need it when you hear a sentence like christian idiots did active terrorism x in georgia to blow up thing y you can insert pretty much any variables you want you have a good idea about what happened and you're not very surprised so here's the basic gist of the story anna what are the guys talking about it's the newest the greatest christian freak out that's right yeah that about covers it it's a christian freak out christians in georgia had a full freak out they thought they were getting persecuted by some rocks

so they blew up the rocks and uh now they wait yeah i guess right ha ha now the illuminati will have no idea what to maintain the human population below honestly though if we could focus all the christian terrorism on genocide rocks for a couple of years i'm all for it i would use a break good good jingly keys for those idiots so we talked about the georgia guidestones a couple months ago but just in case anyone missed it here's a little background they were a public monument and eventually a tourist attraction in elberton, Georgia, commissioned in 1979 by a mysterious benefactor named Robert C. Christian. They were meant to look like a version of Stonehenge, and they were inscribed with, among other things, 10 principles to guide a so-called age of reason. One of those principles was let all nations rule internally, resolving external disputes in a world court.

Another was guide reproduction wisely, improving fitness and diversity. And a third one said, maintain humanity under 500 million in perpetual balance with nature. And just for the record, the world population was about 4.4 billion in 1979. Wow. So just thematically, lots of genocide and eugenics in there, with also a bit of thinly veiled anti-Semitism about, you know, globalism from New York and world courts world courts yet despite all that

great stuff that christians fucking love they decided to blow up the rocks because the rocks were satanic somehow guys remember when christian taliban was an exaggeration yeah yeah i just love that the relationship that christian theocrats have with genocide rocks is complicated right yeah right like they're reading through them and they're like all right kill a couple billion people sure a world court get me my dynamite hold on diversity age of reason fuck this blowing it up yeah one last thing about this and this is my favorite part. The domestic terrorists or Christians, whatever you want to call it.

They didn't even succeed in blowing up the fucking henge. They didn't. You can watch the footage from a security camera. The explosion damaged kind of one of the stones, but the henge doesn't fall down at all when the explosion happens, which makes me very happy.

All these idiots who supported the conspiracy theory about a Luciferian cabal, they must have watched this video. Like they probably had a party. They got all their friends together. They made a party plate with bologna and mayo dip on the side. They passed out glasses of Mr. Pibb. People were like, honey, should we bring the truck or the nice truck? They got all excited about this, and they're going to turn it on. All right, let's watch this video.

The glory of God is going to destroy Satan. Here we go. Three, two, one. Oh, this just kind of messed up that one side a little fuck this is a sad party okay now granted the local government had to take the whole thing down for public safety because it was a little bit messed up so terrorists were attacking us terrorists yeah so maybe the idiots think it's a win right now. But that being said, rock pile tourism was pretty much the entire economy of Elberton, Georgia.

So I'm guessing they might fix it up and bring it back or something similar. We'll see how it goes. Either way, Satanic Temple, I know you're listening. You know what to do. Mysterious henges all over Georgia, the American South.

Make that happen. Yes, absolutely. And in moving the New York goalposts news, if you inhabit the insane backwards place we here at the Scathing Atheist go to for our headlines material, commonly known as the Christ-aversed, patent pending, you're aware of the New York Post article

written by Sophia A. Nelson this week about how she was silenced for her christian faith in an opinion piece so staggeringly wrong it was impressive for a new york fucking post article so we're gonna talk about it so right up at the top she starts with a powerful amount of wrong see if you can keep track of the amount of wrong in this quote here quote it may seem radical to say it these days but it's true america is a nation founded on judeo-christian values i found one i found one that's uh actually the opposite of true we're escaping theocracy that had those values the people who yeah started the whole she continues

words from scripture are inscribed on our money and our most hollowed institutions including congress the u.s supreme court and state capitals everywhere okay you were allowed to carry a scabbard on the streets of london in 1285 fucking read a book it's a god country so okay the inscription part is technically true but but but that god model wasn't inscribed on our money until 1955 and that first timothy 212 tattoo wasn't inscribed on brett kavanaugh's lower back until 2004 so it's not like it was the founding also there's no words from scripture on our fucking money you goddamn idiot no that means she thinks that god we trust is in the Bible, and it makes me so fucking happy.

And I want to point out, that's where she starts the article. Those are the first words of the article. And honestly, if I tried to capture all the ways in which she's wrong in this article, we'd have to do it with the James Webb telescope. But I think perhaps the wrongest of her wrongs is her so-called sob story of Christian oppression. Quote, when I was the scholar in residence at Christopher Newport University in Newport News, Virginia, I proudly and openly identified as a Christian woman of color. Okay, sorry. Does she not identify as a Christian woman of color anymore?

Or she does that not proudly that's a weird either way it is it gets weirder continuing in october 2021 i criticized dc comics for making superman's son bisexual saying in a tweet i don't get why this is necessary i don't what if christian parents of children reading comic books don't want their kids exposed to bisexual characters? This is being pushed on kids. Won't someone think of the bigots? Exactly. That's her angle.

I'm just mad that's all she could think of to criticize DC. That was it. You're not even trying. Is bisexual Superman children. Fuck. Okay, but wait until you hear what the ravaging mob did to her guys here i go are you ready quote straight away my private tweet was brought into my public university i'm sorry private tweet tweet okay and my christian

and my christian faith was attacked as a, cover for my homophobic views. That's not what cover means as a word. I think she means evidence. It's kind of like the opposite. She's going to abuse some air quotes in a minute here. So see if you can hear them as I read them. I was deemed homophobic, unsafe, and violent by an openly bisexual faculty member who then incited colleagues, university officials, and students against me. Students at my college protested and demanded I be removed from my post. And despite the fact that I deleted my tweet, wanted to hold a campus forum to discuss the matter, and twice expressed regret for causing offense.

Oh, twice. Twice. I was sidelined for the remainder of my tenure and was told I would not be invited back to teach or otherwise. I had a consequence. A consequence. Do you hear me? I thought it was America.

You thought it was America? What's the big deal? I unsaid it twice. So really, I'm ahead on bigotry points you're welcome the gays you're welcome exactly and look i want to point out that last part one because it's so fucking funny i'm sorry i just had to talk about it but also because i've been seeing people get this wrong from both angles right liberal christians try to tell this woman that her homophobia isn't christian and homophobicobic Christians are telling her that her Christianity isn't homophobic.

And those takes are both wrong. Yes. This woman's Christianity is homophobic and Christian. Yeah. It is hateful to gay people and tied to her faith in the resurrection of Christ. Those are both true things. And as we've been yelling about for seven years now if your religion and hatred are synonymous we shouldn't be protecting it no matter how sincerely held it is amen yeah and just to be clear you said both angles i know what you're saying but liberal christians and conservative they're from the same ish angle that's the same yeah and in how long till church's fried chicken

is tax-exempt news tonight? Fantastic. The terrifying trend of religious nonprofits waving a fucking wand and becoming churches in the eyes of the IRS continued this week

when we found out that as of 2020, the Family Fucking Research Council, the notorious anti-LGBTQ hate group run by Tony Elsa's coming to finger your daughter's Perkins, has been legally classified as a church. Fucking nonsense. Okay. Which means that the blatantly and unapologetically political lobbying group is not only tax exempt,

but is under no legal obligation to publicly disclose its donors its grants or the salaries of its leadership it also grants them a ministerial exemption to laws against discriminatory hiring which was already bad enough before the scotus expanded that to include anybody remotely employed by any aspect of a fucking church okay new rule if a supreme court ruling would help a christian plantation get around labor laws during reconstruction that's not a good ruling yes i don't know if anything makes the 14th amendment kind of tricky from a legal standpoint that thing is a neo-nazi yes yeah if a hate group decides it's to their advantage to be a church, we should stop having churches for a while until we figure this out.

And then keep doing that. Right, right. So, yeah, we learned about this after ProPublica unearthed the application the FRC submitted to be reclassified as an association of churches. Apparently, the IRS uses a list of 14 characteristics to determine if a group qualifies. a list of 14 characteristics to determine if a group qualifies and while the rules state that the frc doesn't have to answer yes to all 14 of them they should at least require that the 11 times they did answer yes they weren't lying which they fucking were i mean they claim that they're an association of 40 000 churches but nowhere on their website or their filing does it list those churches nope and on all of the other yes answers it'll be something like do you

perform weddings and funerals and they'll answers it'll be something like do you perform weddings and funerals and they'll be like yeah our affiliated churches do that part so basically the only thing they were required to prove or sorry fuck prove the only thing they were required to claim was that there were a number of churches that agreed with them guys guys we're getting awful close to the why won't noah let us make this podcast a church argument again i don't want to do it again it's not close yeah so as i already implied the frc is hardly the first non-church to think of this there's been a rash of this kind of shit ever since the billy graham evangelical association accused the irs of anti-christian bigotry in 2013 as prolifically

disprovable as that claim was the irs has been terrified to run afoul of Christians ever since. And that's allowed any number of religious groups to reclassify themselves for tax purposes. Or, sorry, let me be more clear, any number of exclusively Christian groups to reclassify themselves as such. That includes such scathing atheist regulars as the Liberty Council, the American Family Association, and the FRC's former parent organization, Focus on the Family. In no sense should any of them be classified as churches or even tax-exempt nonprofits, honestly. And yet the approval process with the IRS seems to be a verbal commitment to no backseats. And quick before the IRS accidentally exempts Thomasomas hayden church out of instinct we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's second sponsor zip recruiter hey bye guest listener

you know after spending a week together as a company it becomes obvious just how much everyone in the puzzle in a thunderstorm community contributes to our shows where would our welcoming and connected facebook community be without tim how would we stay up to date on the news and cut through the spin without Thomas and Andrew? And of course, nobody makes us laugh harder than Heath. And Eli. And if you own a business, you know that outstanding talent is crucial for success.

And if you're hiring, you can find talent for roles like these and more at ZipRecruiter. When you try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. Like Eli who writes those super funny sketches and created Carl the Bugabugacore. I'm pretty sure that was Anna actually.

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S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. Everyone likes Eli. Who said that? What? It's crazy. You? I was pretty sure it was you. You said it.

Okay. And we're back. Next up in headlines, we have another story about Christian idiots getting into a panic about absolutely nothing and doing vandalism for Jesus. This one happened

in Derbyshire, England, where a local restaurant was persecuting Christianity with a sandwich. That's a nifty trick. So, yeah, if you're keeping score at home, they've been persecuted recently by rocks and a sandwich. And the evil sandwich in question is part of the menu at the Bridge Bakehouse.

The name of the sandwich was written on a sign by the front door. And then last week, a crack team of Christian operatives doing dive rolls put graffiti over the sign because a sandwich called the Jesus Christ was a direct attack on their sincerely held belief system. Okay. If your God can't stand up to a pun, he's a lot of things, but awesome is not one of them. Yeah, right. Worthy of worship isn't either. But that didn't stop the crazy people from vandalizing the sign and also leaving a note that described the persecution of sandwich puns against them. The letter said, everyone in the united kingdom has the right to their beliefs without fear of discrimination read read puns that's the

discrimination you're talking about it is a basic human right that all institutions including bakeries have a duty to abide by and protect, without your act of petty terrorism, people might live in fear. Well done, guys. Well done. Okay, I'm sorry. I just can't get over the fact that the shitty social internet

has so destroyed the idea of truth that people are now claiming persecution for their beliefs while literally in the midst of persecuting other people. The midst. As a way of persecuting those people. Yeah.

That's the whole thing. Yes. And just in case the bakery wasn't going to take them seriously, the note from the Christian Vandals mentioned legal action to take the matter further. Oh, really? While breaking the law. Yep. And they had a list of demands.

That's what makes it terrorism, people. If the Bridge Bakehouse wants to avoid years of costly litigation, they'll need to do the following. Demand one, issue a public apology on the cafe's platforms, e.g. social media, website, etc. within five working days of the date of the letter. Demand two, remove the sandwich name and all mention of it from the cafe's menus within 10 working days of the date of the letter. No referring to it in other sandwich descriptions.

Demand three, remove any mention of the name Jesus Christ from the sign standing on the Whaley Bridge Parish within 30 working days of the date of this letter. And it seems like a good reason to vandalize their own letter that has Jesus Christ in it. And demand number four, make a donation of 300 pounds to the Holy Trinity Church within 30 working days of the date of the letter give us a little whatever you got on you the best thing about this is that the way they've clarified between working days and calendar days right let's let's their misdemeanor hissy fit against a cheese sandwich seem unprofessional within the fiscal quarter what hey guys is demanding that they give money to what is very clearly our church gonna tip people off who we are while we do this

a lot of random people give money to our church not just the people who go there right so the response from the bakery was great it's so perfectly british passive-aggressive they posted on social media quote to whoever has tried to cover up the sandwich on our menu board with white paint can you please not we really can't be bothered contacting the council to check the CCTV. And if it wasn't done in the dead of night by someone dressed like Mask of Zorro, we're going to be highly disappointed. Nice. Crazy church members like, ha, jokes on them. I was wearing a Batman costume.

Yeah, he was probably torn between wearing a mask to disguise his identity and refusing to wear a mask to trigger the libs in a moment. So, obviously, the Bridge Bakehouse is going to need to ramp up the sandwich pun persecution for spite, if nothing else. And we're going to help them out. I'm guessing they already started offering the Monte Cristo. They probably did that right away. Nice.

Let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock for some more ideas. Sandwiches to offend Christian people who demand to be taken seriously. Go. And okay, I'll start. The sloppy Job. Nice. Yes.

The piety melt. Love those. The Bible isn't true, Ben. Reuben sandwich. Yeah, there you go. Welsh prayer bits. Nice. Ruben Sandwich. Yeah, Corby. There you go. Welsh prayer bits. Nice. The LGBT. That's perfect.

The cat don't praise. Caprese sandwich. Yep. Mozzarella and basil. Don't praise. Burning at the Philly Cheese Steak. Nice.

Sure. The full Monte Cristo. The scathing crepe-iest. Okay, God is bread. Nice. And that would be the grilled meat cheese. Nice. Done.

And in Prophet of Bull News. What with having essentially control over the House, the Senate, local governments, most state governments, the lower courts, the Supreme Court, and all the money, you'd think American Christian bigots would be pretty satisfied with the power they currently wield. Well, you'd be wrong. And that's why this week, Christian prophet Manuel Johnson of Mega Praise ministries unveiled his one weird trick. They don't want you to know about.

Namely, if Biden's popularity falls below 20 percent, the Constitution allows Congress and the military to take control of the federal government. Wait, what? I guess that's from a lesser known part of the Constitution that we wrote in 1937 that specifically mentions George Gallup. Look, based on what we've seen so far, there's no hard and fast rule against trying to overthrow the government one way or the other. So you won't get punished. That's fair. So regular listeners will remember Manuel for his crazy, even by the metric of our show claims, like when he said he was Michael Jackson's heavenly lawyer, or the time he told people that Jesus told him to buy a motorcycle

and then try to sell the ungifted middle school painting of it that he made. Or you might just remember him for the fact that his academic credentials are listed as, quote, a doctorate degree in theology from Everlasting Chips Ministry. What? And an honorary doctorate degree from Next Dimension University. Yes. End quote. Yes, the motherfucker got an honorary degree from a diploma mill.

It's amazing. I got a Ph. Doritos, too. What the fuck are you talking? Chips? That can't be a word in your thing. Do you have a runner's up pair of flyers wings from when you went on an airplane so however you know him he was once again allowed on the internet this week to spread his bullshit where he told fellow christian not prophet julia green quote now this

what i'm saying right now is not a a prophecy. That's true, to be fair. These are constitutional facts. That's not true, so. When a sitting president, population, popularity drops under 20%, the Congress and military can step in and make decisions. That's all I'm going to tell you. Woo! End quote. Woo was literally in the quote? Yes. Yep. Woo! okay okay so i know you're not supposed to

take legal advice from a podcast but more importantly don't take legal advice that ends in woo that's never i think the second rule takes precedence there yep sure does so yeah it's um we're pointing out a couple of things first of all that's fucking insane yep second of all joe biden is still sitting at 33 approval rating which at least from what i could look up is one percent lower than donald trump's approval rating while he tried to overthrow the u.s government what the fuck is wrong with people but that's neither here nor there the 20 thing is bullshit but honestly the actual real numbers should be more than enough to terrifying you into voting in the midterms we are less than a percentage behind in the congress people less than a percentage behind and finally

tonight in privacy change news a court upheld the rights of individual citizens even when they conflict with the longstanding practices of a religious organization this week, which is my way of saying that this is an international news item. Specifically, this one comes out of Canada, even more specifically out of British Columbia, where a judge recently ruled that Jehovah's Witnesses were not exempted from the province's privacy laws, exempted from the province's privacy laws which means that when ex-members ask for a copy of all the information the j-dub leadership is keeping on them they're legally obligated to oblige okay that's clearly a good thing good work but just a quick tip if you ever say hey you know that secret dossier you've been keeping on me if you start with that doesn't matter what comes next don't be in whatever group you're in yep yep that's pretty important but oh wait wait unless that dossier is for prank wars in which case it is both just and right yeah heath i think you're really radically underestimating the number of people on this podcast keeping a secret dossier on you you guys have to show up and go to

british columbia with me right now so to be clear, I know even less about Canadian law than I know about U.S. law. But B.C. has a law called the Personal Information Protection Act or PIPA, which governs how private institutions are allowed to use personal information of their employees and customers. And among the provisions is a rule that says if you're keeping information on somebody, you have to give them a copy of it if they request it, which is such an obvious common sense necessity that our U.S. listeners should feel really awful about how jealous they are right now. Anyway, a couple of ex-JWs decided they wanted to see what kind of records the church was keeping on them, at which point the church says, no, we're a church, so there is no law. But Santa Claus outfits or no, Canada's Supreme Court is way less respectable than ours. So it looks like that point isn't going to work.

Okay, I looked this up. The Canadian Supreme Court does not have bailiffs who dress like elves, and I'm furious about that. For now, Heath, when we escape there, we've already got a first cause to fight for. There you go. So we're already ready for an urge. I feel like the Supreme Court probably doesn't have bailiffs. Whatever. The point is somebody should dress like an elf. There you go. So we're already ready for an agenda. We can fix Canada. The point is somebody should dress

like an elf. Yeah, right. Yes. Anyway, add more sensible privacy laws to that list with legal weed,

poutine, and the rate of global temperature increases. Looks like Canada is kind of running up the score in the backup

country competition, but they haven't won it yet, Australia. It's not over. I'm just saying there's no new technology that stands

between us and blowjob fountains. It's just about having the will to make it yet, Australia. It's not over. I'm just saying, there's no new technology that stands between us and blowjob fountains. It's just about having the will to make it happen. Yes. Plus, if you start blowjob fountains, I have a job waiting for me when we get there. So it's a win-win-win. Everybody wins. There you go. And with that visual image seared into your brain, we're going to close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, the ad will be over. And then I said, I just veg-mite. Veg-mite. Classic. Hi, welcome to the post office. Can I help you?

Yeah, we'd like to send this first class, please. Okay, Heath, then what about that other, the next chicken coop? Well, I'm glad you asked, Noah. I'm sorry, guys, excuse me, what are you doing? We're two white guys laughing at our own jokes. What do you think we're doing? Podcasting? Podcasting, yes, exactly.

Okay, why are you podcasting in the lobby of this post office? Because time is money, and we had to schlep down here to the post office to send this package. So, you know, we figured we might as well podcast while we do it. Now, if you'll excuse us, Heath, chicken coops. Thank you. Yeah. Anyway, the next chicken coop. No, guys, if you want to save time and money without having to lug stuff to the post office, why don't you just try stamps.com?

What's stamps.com? Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and why don't you just try Stamps.com? What's Stamps.com? Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and UPS shipping services you need right from your computer. And get discounts you won't find anywhere else, like up to 30% off USPS rates and 86% off UPS. Wow. And we can do all that from home?

You sure can. All you need is your regular computer and printer. No special supplies or equipment. You're up and running in minutes, printing official postage for any letter, any package, anywhere you want to send it. Plus, Stamps.com seamlessly works with Shopify, Amazon, Etsy, eBay, and more. So whether you're an office sending invoices, an Etsy shop sending you products, or a warehouse shipping out orders, Stamps.com is your mailing and shipping solution. All right, post office lady, we're sold. Where do we sign up? Stop wasting time and start saving money when you use Stamps.com to mail and ship.

Sign up with promo code SCATHING for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage in a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code SCATHING. Nice, thanks. Oh, hey, while we're here, why do people come to the post office to buy money orders all the time? Oh, it's because they're too poor to have an account at a bank,

or their landlord makes them pay in money orders as an act of discrimination. It's actually a really important service that we provide. Oh. Wow. That's a bummer. Yeah. I feel like you really brought the mood down at the end of the ad here. Yeah, sorry about that. Okay, some people can't afford a bank account? You have to afford your money?

Feels like that should be illegal. Right? Christians are almost as bad at brevity as they are at wit. And we're reminded of that every time we review their shit. Their sermons are belabored, their books are boring, and their songs are bloated. Hell, they even manage to make short films that are too long, which we learned once again in this week's installment of God Awful Minis. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today we watched foundations

it's the story of a deathbed angel accidentally showing some guy how being more christian could have made his life just demonstrably worse yep they. They just kind of fell backwards into that, trying to do the opposite. It's not A Wonderful Life. There you go. And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you loved the 1998 flop Sliding Doors, but there wasn't enough of the children's game Hotter or Colder in it for you, you will love this movie.

Fair. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at yeah i'm gonna go with best worst christian actors trying to be at a bar oh okay yeah they're so bad like clearly none of these people have been in a bar for more than five minutes so they're doing they're doing like they walk up to the bar and they're like hey bartender the bartender's like so what you're celebrating like there has to be a big reason to be at the bar and then they order like normal beer for drink it's so bad we get one beer normal yeah okay so i was gonna go with best

worst transition gimmick oh so at the beginning of this movie they they're like moving from one scene to the next by like you know mom will pick up her phone and start to record something but then you know we'll zoom out of a phone and it'll be some other scene later on or whatever but they forget they're doing that about a third of the way in or they just give up on it yep so it's just kind of a fun little dangling moment they tried to do mr show and they did it so badly i'm gonna go with best worst medium christian look we've seen a lot of you're not really christian over on our sister show god awful movies but this is a pretty simple conceit in this short film right if you're not christian your life is bad if you are christian

your life is good but apparently they needed that extra four minutes of runtime so we're going to get an entire segment dedicated to medium christianity yes all right so yeah so we're gonna get the same story three different times for three different levels of christian dedication but we're gonna start off on this dude desperately trying to project academic while he vaguely alludes to evolution. Yeah, this is like them trying to do an imitation of like Carl Sagan and also Neil deGrasse Tyson at the same time, which they're pretty sure just involves like looking over the top of your glasses and crossing your legs. Right, right, exactly.

And a communist accent. Well, yeah, that helps. Of course. But yeah, but apparently this is like a documentary that a family is watching, right, exactly. And a communist accent. Well, yeah, that helps. Of course. But yeah, but apparently this is like a documentary that a family is watching, right? About human evolution that tells us we all come from monkeys. Yeah, he says it's actually pretty simple. You just go back 3.5 billion years. And on the screen is Genesis Apologetics Presents as this is happening.

I was like, okay, don't mention numbers over 6,000 when you're apologizing for Genesis. So yeah, so we've got this family's mom, dad, daughter, son. We're going to forget about daughter hard through this movie. So yeah, but the son turns to his dad and he's like, hey dad,

is it true that we did in fact evolve from Filthy Monkey Men? And dad's just like, I don i don't know man yeah probably the the smart guy on tv says so i want to point out one thing about this for each of these sliding doors moments they've chosen for dad to be half paying attention so no matter what his answer is he always goes what what yeah right yeah i wasn't looking at porn. We are, we're fish. Yeah. Yeah, right.

I wasn't playing Merge Mansion. And then we cut to this same kid and he's older now. He's a teenager and he's in church where they're delivering quite a different message about the origins of humankind. Yes. a different message about the origins of humankind yes but he's too busy watching videos of himself as a child at church they were going for a transition here but they ended up on i remember the day my dad told me yes they might as well zoom out again again and it's just me watching me watching this movie right you know mostly the porn i was watching also yeah but he's at church and he's bored and he's just looking at his phone because he doesn't give a shit about all of that and then he just walks out because fuck jesus so and then we we we cut to heath's best

worst right he's now an adult and he's at a bar with his friends you know sinning like those atheists do i wrote in my notes this may be best worst bar if you look behind the guy they very clearly went to a local liquor store and were like can we have some things from your trash three liquors please three they've got like a bottle of maker's mark next to three empty beer cans what kind of alcohol can I get you today? Yeah. And the answer is literally a beer.

Normal. Fuck you. You're not done ordering. Idiot. So yeah, he just got promoted and drinks are on him tonight and everybody's excited

and then a hot blonde comes up to flirt with him so he hides his wedding ring. Yeah. Because of the sin. She's drinking a wine glass of beer And then a hot blonde comes up to flirt with him. So he hides his wedding ring. Yeah. Because of the sin. She's drinking a wine glass of beer, just for the record, about this far. She's having a wine glass of beer.

She has a flute of lager. It's ridiculous. All right. Then we cut to him. Now he's older and he's getting divorced, right? He's yelling at his wife and he's all paper throwy right yeah i like that christians they don't know what meanness to women is no matter what life they're looking at so they're like yeah i mean i guess you yell at your wife but the bad kind of yelling at her wife

what's this 50 cents extra for peanuts you whore yeah and and so now we've that's his whole life right we've gone through his whole life so now we cut to him old and dying and nobody loves him he's all alone except for his nurse right and his nurse is like would you like me to send in a priest and he's like why

so he can tell me about how I'm gonna die and the nurse is like yeah I guess that's pretty much this whole shtick doesn't have much he also she's like well you know we want you to be comfortable and he's like and the nurse is like yeah I guess that's pretty much this whole shtick yeah I guess that's a weird offer he also she's like well you know we want you to be comfortable and he's like nothing can make me comfortable and I wrote my notes I mean

morphine and some Ativan will make you comfortable right but this is supposed to be like the atheist version character so he's like God's dead asshole bitch fuck you right yeah and then just mid I don't want to die. He dies.

It's so good to the way it happens. He's like, if only I had time to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord. Yeah. So close. And then, and then some dude steps in front of the scene. Like this was an ad for life insurance. Oh, my God. It's so you guys left super hard.

Oh, yeah. Fuck did this guy come from? Out of nowhere. OK. He's just like, oh, hello. I was just watching this man die. Now listen to my TED talk. Yeah.

So he just steps in and he's like, oh, it looks like his life went very bad and he's not having a very happy death at all and i'm like does anybody have a happy death man he's like where did it all go wrong for him let's dial things back to the evolution conversation with dad yep that's the sliding door yep the sliding door is this eight-year-old being like okay science books say evolution or no, the fuck they don't. And that's like the change in his life forever. Yeah. Oh, Heath, how much I wish that were where we're going.

Because now we're about to see the medium. Yeah. Right. Because they know something about the rule of threes here. So we go back in time and we don't exactly see how Dad should have answered the question. We see a different way he could have answered it wrong that was slightly better. So crazy deathbed watching guy is going to like ghost of Finch Beaks past our main character. Yes.

And in this version, mom and dad are just wishy washy Christians. Right. Yeah, exactly. Mom and dad are just wishy-washy Christians. Right. Yeah, exactly. They present the God-guided evolution concept here, which is improper apologetics.

Okay, but God-guided evolution. So that story is saying that an all-powerful ghost was just sitting there for billions of years being like, fucking mitosis already. God, this is crazy slow. I'm not changing it, but this is ridiculous yes to make that argument work to be fair to this movie to make that argument work you have to redefine the words god guided and evolution right it's going exactly to ah shit it had a third eye the next one so and then we cut from there to the him as a teenager at church scene. And this is so weird.

So he's not boarding on his phone anymore. He's harassing the girl in front of him with clothes pins instead. Because he's a bit more Christian. He's harassing a girl. Yes, right. I mean, that tracks, right? Yeah, that is a medium Christian thing to do. No idea.

What point does the movie think it's making with number two and three? At this point, I didn't know we were just doing medium Christian, so I thought the message was, when you're tempted to dick around on your phone, harass a woman instead. There's no other way to take this.

So we get that, and then we revisit the bar scene, and apparently if you're medium christian you don't offer to buy drinks from your buddies that's the first place this day what the fuck is happening this guy got a big promotion and a big raise and this time in more christian universe he refuses to buy a round of drinks for his friends and that's better in the movie i guess yeah he leaves a tract instead of a tip because of absolute morale what the fuck is happening yeah and then and then hot blonde comes up and he doesn't quite

take off his wedding band but he thinks about it he thinks about it he cheats in his heart yeah exactly exactly oh that is what they're going for yep they were absolutely going for he cheats in his heart yes so and then of course we cut to older him and this is the scene where he was getting divorced from his wife before now instead of that he's listening to his wife and his daughter's fight in the other room and be angry at each other the improvement in this one is a nightmare shitty family having a fight what are they doing yeah also i just want to say that they make the wife and the two kids, peas and carrots, a little bit too long with this fight. Yes, uh-huh.

So the plot of the fight becomes, you promised you would use the car to take me to the party. No, you said I could have the car. And they can't just go, well, why don't you just drive her to the party and then you can have the car for the rest of the evening. And then we can go read some Darwin and it'll all be fine. I really hope your

father interrupts us because it's been like six minutes of us piece of carrot sink. And then we cut to the him dying scene, but this time he's not alone. His wife's there and she's just kind of hoping it hurries the fuck up, right? She's like you led a good life and he's like

eh? And she's like no, I see eh. I can agree with eh. I led a medium good life and he's like and she's like i see i can agree with i led a medium good life yeah i'm gonna get remarried like a little too quick you know like everyone's gonna be like wow that was quick and yeah so you know breathe out hard and they're saying like success in life is measured by like one versus two versus three people literally in the room the moment you die like that's it yes but and of course at this point in his life he's going like he's like oh if only i had had more time to worship christ and love jesus and be christian i really you know and then he dies so then like poor man's all-state guy,

I guess some state guy, prompts another freeze frame and tells us exactly how great the Bible is. I wanted the dying guy to be like, last words, okay. If only I was a little bit more... Who's the black guy in the corner? What is he doing?

Okay, I'm dead. You guys figure it out. Is he your friend, nurse lady? Yeah, so yeah, he tells us all about the importance of making Jesus-y choices. Yeah. And then we start back over and relive things

one last time, starting with his dad giving him the right answer to the evolution question, which is no, son. Science is bullshit. Fucking science gays are liars my favorite my favorite part of this little apologetic is he goes yes the scientists say they have a lot of evidence but that evidence is proof of my thing and i don't think you could just take other people's proof no yeah because i

believe the evidence science tells me his ex is actually why and and the kid's like but how and he's like moving on i'll punch you right in the face right there's no argument here the dad is just like these no scientists talk about so-called overwhelming evidence but i'm done i'm done did you have a thing so yeah okay so then we cut to him as a teen in church but this time dad is with them at church so he's gonna know if you know the son clothes pins some innocent girl you know and the harassment victim doesn't exist in this Christian universe? There's a real butterfly effect going on in this third one. Yikes.

But now that he doesn't believe in stupid evolution, he likes church. He even nods along and stuff. See? And then we revisit the bar scene. And apparently, and this is because I'm like, why would he even be in a bar if he's so Christian?

But apparently he went to the bar to tell his friends he couldn't go to the bar with them. Hey, you're not buying us rounds because you're Christian. This could be an email, man. Right? Did you drive here to fucking shit on us for asking for a round when you got a big promotion? Just so you guys know, I will not be buying drinks tonight. Bye. I'm the best case scenario

according to this movie. He's going to go home and hang out with his wife instead. And then blonde chick comes running up to him. She says, like, are you going to fuck me or hide your wedding band at all? Anything? No? And he does like a violent,

he shoves his hand in her face and points to the ring. Talk to the ring. And then we cut to middle-aged him. This is the scene where he was getting divorced or where his daughters were fighting. But now he's talking

to his daughters about their problems and giving them biblical advice about them. Yup. Instead of the family fight about driving to the whatever the fuck, his teenage daughters and giving them biblical advice about them. Yep. Instead of the family fight about driving to the whatever the fuck, his teenage daughters are fascinated by his Bible story about their sluttiness from Timothy or whatever it was.

Yeah, right. Remember, Jesus said unto the neophytes, don't go to Brad's party. Brad puts stuff in people's drinks. He's going to be a supreme court justice yeah right and then okay so then we move on to old dying him who in this iteration in any way is fucking stoked about it right he's fired up to die this time he's punching himself in the balls hoping to rush it along and now he has three people in the room yes right his wife and his daughters succeeded in life and

both his daughters became karen i think their names are both karen in this universe for sure these two women are about to call the cops on the black guy in the corner for barbecuing or whatever right yeah exactly apparently also by the way when you get when you're christian enough you get more rising strings at your death than you have much louder background music you're christian best death ever yeah no they but they and also they ran out the script by the way so we see like everybody's silently mouthing words at him for a few minutes at the end but then he dies but good this time yeah and then some state guy comes back out to tell us that dead dude nailed it this time around like that was the way now that's what i call dying this uh seems like it might be a little confusing you all got that that was the one we want you to

do right i know that the the middle one kind of blurred the line it seems like you know being surrounded by a couple of karens at your death might not be desirable those were his daughters just to be clear he was happy that they were there do you remember when he got to fuck that blonde chick that seemed awesome all right i gotta go they called the cops on me yeah i know what you're thinking can i become christian at the last minute skip the cancer and fuck the blonde chick. This answer is going to surprise you. Fuck yes. God, what is our movie about? Stop. I'm not resisting. And then he ends.

This is what passes for profound when you're not allowed to think. He says, life is a series of choices based on a foundation. The only question is what is your life founded on? End of movie. That was the brilliant message that this guy decided needed to be encapsulated in film. Yeah.

It's a European style. I love a good word salad at the end of the meal. That's digestive. And then the credits roll. But the writer, director director star would like a word with us while we're here anyway it's so it's like being followed out of a student

film hey so what'd you think oh I was just gonna go I'm like do you have an Instagram cool I'll find you I don't want a CD alright so the obvious closing question is did it work are you guys going to

reconsider your sinful ways oh hell yeah all right yep sure am at the last second just to be sure as soon as i'm done with the blonde lady all right well damn it we've ruined the show yet again but hopefully we'll think better of it before the next God Awful Mini. Before we seal the portal again this week, I want to thank all the patrons that tuned in for our Pajama Party livestream last week. And if you missed it live, you can still check it out. Just look for the link on the Patreon feed or in your email. And if you're not a patron, you have nobody to blame but yourself. And possibly institutionalized poverty and illness and all kinds of other shit, actually.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't call this an episode if I neglect to thank Heath Enright for being the best goddamn

Codenames partner you could ask for unless Marsha's wife was available. I need to thank Eli Posting for also being amenable to games of code names. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions who should be back with more twin next week. I want to thank Tim, Teresa, Scott, Montana, Andrew, Anna, Thomas, Marsh, Nicola, and everybody else who helped make our live stream so much fun on Saturday. I also want to thank Robert for writing this week's dramatically emphatic Farnsworth quote. Well done, sir. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people. Justin, Ray, Rudash, Yankee, Shannon, Christy, Mark, Sarah, Andrew, my best friend Zoe, the puppy pug, Natalie, Kayla, Salty T, Renee, Alice, Heather, Margaret, Allison, Timothy, Jason, Atheism, Miss Couch, Cheese, Big Booty, Britches, Bothersome Blank, Dustin, Adam, Madeline, Dan O'Gee, David, Christopher, Digging Holes, The Podcast, Joe, Stuart, Hoffa, Other Dustin, Two Tribbles and a Grudge, Laura, Stephen, Patrick, Rachel, Christy, King, Torm,

Gary, Terry, Megan, Vanessa, Ashley, Russ, Meat Doom, Luna, Quetzal, Russia, Warship, Go Cloud Horn Yourself, Michael, Carl, Captain Hammer, Jeff, Need More Knowledge, Fight, Crossover, Zenith, who have so much gravitas the James Webb Telescope used it as a gravitational lens. Together these 53 nifty sweet people podcast suggestions, analogies and war taunts helped keep the lights on this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money

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