The Scathing Atheist - 496: Bro Flakes Edition
Episode Date: August 18, 2022In this week’s episode, the religion of peace stabs a guy during a book reading, we have some very good news about carpet shitting, and Anna will introduce us to the musical version of mansplaining.... --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Salman Rushdie attacked because … like you need anyone to tell you the “because”... https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/the-attack-on-salman-rushdie-is-an-attack-on-free-expression/ and https://religionnews.com/2022/08/15/iran-denies-involvement-but-justifies-salman-rushdie-attack/ Christians are coming after libraries still/more: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/public-libraries-face-new-attacks-from-conservative-christians/ Dating site for Christian Right bigots being launched by sister of Trump's press secretary: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/08/new-rightwing-hook-app-wont-pronouns-gay-matches-backed-gay-man/ Dominatrix pleads guilty to church desecration charge: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11100011/Dominatrix-duo-plead-guilty-church-sex-desecration-charge-agree-testify-against-former-priest.html DOJ investigating SBC over sex abuse claims: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/the-feds-are-investigating-the-southern-baptist-convention-for-sexual-abuse/ Republican Lauren Boebert says she wants biblical citizenship training in public schools: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2022/08/09/lauren-boebert-biblical-citizenship-training-flashpoint-republican-colorado/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Warning, if anybody's going to bring out the profanity in us, it's these religious motherfuckers.
This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by honey, all birds, my sheets rock,
and by the fact that Donald Trump couldn't figure out how to spell nuclear for his Craigslist ad.
Trump's inability to spell, very possibly the only reason we're not radioactive right now.
And now, The scathing atheist.
Hey girl, just sliding into your DMs to let you know about an exciting opportunity.
The opportunity to learn more about how multi-level marketing is a scam that preys
on vulnerable women by promising them unlimited earning potential at the expense of their
relationships, when in reality, less than 1% of people actually break even.
Oh, and we can also chat about how we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Bye, hon. It's Thursday.
It's August 18th.
And it's Serendipity Day.
On August 18th again? No way.
I'm no illusions.
I'm Eli Bosnick.
So weird.
I'm Heath Enright.
And from Count Basie's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The
Scathing Atheist.
On this week's episode, the religion of peace stabs a guy during a book reading.
Yep.
We have some very good news about carpet shitting.
And Anna will introduce us to the musical version of mansplaining.
But first, the diatribe.
So I took a long road trip last week up to the Midwest and back to the South,
which means I saw a metric fuck ton of Jesus billboards along the way. And right away, that's a bit of an admission of just what a shitty worldview Christianity really is.
And then, are you never driving down the road to see a billboard for liberalism or positivism or anything like that?
They seem to perpetuate their way through the marketplace of ideas based solely on their merit.
Weird.
But Jesus needs a PR budget, and based on the ubiquity of the billboards, a pretty substantial one at that.
Of course, I've seen all these billboards before plenty of times, so there's nothing new about the experience for me.
But what really struck me this time around was what a low bar they always set for themselves. And I really appreciate this. Imagine what kind of billboards
they'd be tossing up if, for example, prayer actually worked. You'd see signs like amputated
appendage, try Jesus, or inoperable tumor, call us today. But instead, you see stuff like,
are you a depressed, broke, crack addict
with no direction in life?
Well, we might be able to help a little, at least.
Like, for realsies, one of the ads that I saw
just said, reject gluttony, accept Jesus.
We're better than gluttony.
It was the best I could come up with.
That'd be like McDonald's running a billboard
that said, Big Macs are better than a kick in the nuts,
and yet it's apparently the best that Christianity can do.
I mean, we all know that Christianity tends to go after its victims when they're at their
most vulnerable.
Most of the time, that means kids too young to know how to question adult authority yet.
But barring that, they go after people who are depressed, addicted, broke, forgotten,
abused, or otherwise fucked by the vicissitudes of life.
Now, mostly they do this for the same reason that lions target the injured gazelle, right?
These people's defenses are down.
They're far more willing to nod along with a bunch of bullshit in exchange for a dollop
of false hope and community.
And that's what we tend to focus on as atheists because, you know, it's unspeakably fucking
cruel.
Conditional empathy is their stock and trade.
And that's plenty to mark them out as the bad guys.
But there's also an important tactical advantage that it gives them.
People who are at their lowest also only have one direction to go. And Christianity wants to
hurry up and inject itself into that person's life quick before that inevitable upswing happens so
that they can take credit for it. Things will get better because better is literally the only thing that
things have left to get. And Christianity will say, see, God. Even if things don't get better
right away, right? It could take forever. It doesn't matter. Scam still works. They could
even get worse for a considerable time. That just means you're not Jesusing well enough yet.
As long as at some point along the road, things get noticeably better for the person,
well enough yet. As long as at some point along the road, things get noticeably better for the person, Christianity will chalk that up as a win for God. Now, that's not to say that religion
plays no part in the turnaround. It can. It doesn't have to, right? But it can. It can give
a person a new thing to focus on and help them reorganize their approach to life. But in those
instances, it's the person doing the reorganization, not the religion, and certainly not the God. If they'd been taken in by an atheist
group, a birding club, or a bowling team, it might have offered the same reversal of fortune,
no divinity required. But imagine if bowling alleys put that shit in their advertisements.
Imagine a billboard for a bowling alley that just said, reject gluttony, try bowling.
Bowling and religion are, after all, tied in terms of ability to help you turn your life around.
So they've got every bit as much claim to the title as religion does, but they don't bother
to make it because there are other reasons to go bowling. Focusing in on being a good bowler,
that can help you learn to appreciate incremental improvements. It can help you
budget your time. It can give you a feeling of
accomplishment, but it's also just a fun thing
to do. All that other shit is so
mundane, it's not even worth mentioning on the ad,
assuming that you
have anything at all to mention.
Religion doesn't,
so they're left with nothing
but a claim that could be made about any
non-vice activity, and some vices, for that matter.
Religion is as close to nothing as it's possible for a thing to be and still have to have its own word.
It really hamstrings their ability to advertise.
And to be honest, I'm kind of impressed that their PR team found shit to say on every one of those fucking billboards, regardless of how mundane that shit was. But if a hotel advertised itself as having rooms with ceilings, you'd take that as
an admission that they don't have much else to offer. I don't see why that's not more obvious
to people when it comes to religion. Joining me for headlines tonight are the divergent and convergent to my transform
boundaries heath enright neil apostolic fellas are you ready to shake things up oh man remember
when the west coast was mostly just worried about earthquakes and wildfires yet now there's
apparently a nuclear poseidon tsunami bomb coming up soon or something like that an arctic nuclear
poseidon tsunami heath no, you guys are worrying over nothing.
There's no way the Arctic nuclear Poseidon tsunami bomb can survive the heat.
No, that's fair.
That's fair.
And there's no moisture there to feed it.
So, all right.
So, quickly before our-
It's a dry tsunami bomb.
California listeners break away and slip into the sea.
I suppose we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Honey.
Today's episode is sponsored by PayPal Honey.
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Oh, hey, Eli.
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Yeah, you're talking out loud to yourself about a problem like the beginning of an ad or something.
Sorry about that, guys.
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feeling like I'm missing out on savings.
Well, why don't you try Honey?
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What's up?
I thought I wasn't supposed to be here
till the last third of the show.
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Noah, why would I have coupon codes for PicksForFeet.com?
No, no, no, no. Honey is
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Wait a few seconds as Honey searches for
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If you don't already have Honey, you could be straight up missing out.
It's literally free and it installs in a few seconds.
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All right.
Well, sorry to bother you, Anna.
I mean, don't you still have that coupon for Picks for Feet's Christmas sale last year?
I do.
You're the best.
Thanks.
Your husband is weird.
I know, man.
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What's the code?
And now back to the headlines.
In our lead story tonight, Islam is still all the way fucked up.
Yep.
Right?
Like we don't talk about how shitty and violent that religion is as much as we used to, but that's because Christianity has gotten worse, not because Islam has gotten better.
We tend to talk most about the shit that we feel most threatened by day to day and that's christian
fundamentalism most of the time but regardless of our focus the entire islamic religion remains
irrevocably fucked up as was evidenced yet again by the attack last friday against author and living
symbol of violent muslim overreaction salman rushdie yeah he basically went on stage and said
extremist says what and a guy side tackled him screaming what and stabbing.
Yeah, that's what happened.
Yeah.
Hot take.
If your philosophy guides you to murder someone at a book reading, it's the religion of a lot of things.
But peace ain't one of them.
No, you can't use that term, guys.
Not your word.
Rushdie has, of course, been living under the threat of seven figurefigure bounties and religious thought was for 33 years over his 1988 novel
The Satanic Verses. The book was condemned as blasphemous by many
Islamic authorities because it pointed out how sometimes Muhammad would rescind
Quranic prophecies by going, oh no, that one was Satan pretending to be
telling me shit. That wasn't a real one. And many of those condemnations came with
death threats, most notably from then supreme leader of iran ayatollah ruhala kameni whose threat came at the
form of a fatwa with a million dollar bounty rashti then spent a decade in hiding followed
by two decades of people saying man you should really be in hiding followed by friday's attack
yeah just another terrible reminder that book plus x equals
stabbing yep and there shouldn't be an answer for that pretty much ever but religion great fit for
x there this also means that book plus religion all divided by stabbing equals one i don't know
how that's helpful but that's also what it means no No, that's true. Also, can we say a little sideline here?
Following up on a fatwa from the 80s?
Fucking dated, dude.
What did you watch too many seasons of Stranger Things and forget what decade it is?
Get with the times. Right.
So, again, Top Gun was in the theaters and he thought, oh, okay.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
So, the attacker in question was a 24-year-old from New Jersey by the name of Hadi Mattar,
who rushed the stage of the
chautauqua institution in western new york where rushdie was scheduled to give a talk about of all
fucking things the u.s is a safe haven for exiled writers and while nobody's officially offering up
a motive you did correctly guess his religion and the da brought up the bounty which has since
grown to 3.3 million
in the intervening years
during Mattar's bail hearing.
So it's not like they don't know.
Well, the Fed raised the interest rate,
so hopefully that bounty goes back down a little
with the inflation.
But still.
Okay, but can we take a moment to acknowledge
how incredibly insulting it is
that major news outlets are standing around
whistling, pretending not to know the motive
maybe the guy with the fatwa stole his parking space like literally only islamic extremists
want you to pretend not to know why this happened that's the only people that this helps yeah yeah
so the 75 year old victim was stabbed multiple times in the neck and abdomen, but a group of audience members subdued the assailant before he could finish the job, apparently, because as of this recording, Rushdie is expected to recover from the attack.
The degree of that recovery is still unknown, though. His agent says he's likely to lose one of his eyes. And this is, of course, hardly the first time that the Islamic uproar over the satanic verses has led to violence. At least 18 people were killed in riots
after the fatwa was issued. The novel's Japanese translator was stabbed
to death, its Italian translator was badly wounded, and its Norwegian publisher
was shot three times in front of his house. Honestly, he could
have just walked on stage and stood behind a giant box held up with a
stick and still made his point without saying a word.
Yeah, right.
Now, for their part, by the way, the Iranian government has absolved itself of guilt altogether, even though the thought was never rescinded and has been confirmed as recently as 2019.
First official statement on the attack.
Spokesman for Iran's foreign ministry, Nasser Kanani, said, quote,
We don't consider anyone deserving reproach, blame or even condemnation except for Rushdie himself and his supporters.
Yeah, we were under the impression he'd been exploded by Korans based on the documentary International Gorillas.
So we're just as shocked as you are. yeah and in checked out news there are very few places that are more obviously just a public good than a public library
as well as a book lending service libraries provide meeting space homework help computer
and internet access to those who can't afford it. Many even offer enrichment programs vital to everyone from new immigrants to the elderly.
But, you know, fuck all that because Christians across the nation are shutting them down
because that's where the gay books are.
Yeehaw!
Yeah.
No, right.
Well, honestly, as soon as you pluralize book, they're reserving a spot on their shit list for you.
What are these people imagining is happening?
Just like apparently
lots of kids 2022 they're going to library and saying one physical book about how to be gay
please we gotta stop this yeah exactly that's ridiculous everyone knows that book is percy
jackson in the lightning thief first up voters in the jamestown township of michigan chose to
defund the library depriving it of 84% of its 2023 budget,
forcing it to shut down because, you guessed it, it had too many books about gay people.
With one of the organizers behind the local movement saying, quote,
they are trying to groom our children to believe that it's okay to have these sinful desires.
It's not a political issue. It's a biblical issue. And quote,
you know, what better excuse could you possibly want for political action? Yeah.
But that's not all. In South Carolina, the Greenville County schools are forming committees
to review any books or materials that are challenged by idiots at the elementary,
middle and high school levels. And that committee will be made up of real quote three parents with
children enrolled in greenville county high schools three district high school teachers
from different subject areas one high school media specialist two non-employees of the school
district and one member of the clergy end quote jesus the list was already bad enough before they
got to their partridge in the pear tree it's great when the people with relevant expertise are always outnumbered right
they had to add and two randos to make sure of that apparently plus dave who knows how to work
that scale thing to see if the book weighs more than the duck yeah also him so yeah the very bedrock of education and public service
is under attack but i want you to note that all of these things that i just mentioned they all
have one thing in common podcast listener and that is voting in local politics and elections and look
i get it if you can't run for office i looked into it in my own town in new jersey and i almost
crawled out of my skeleton at the level of stupid i'd have to pretend to respect but what you can't run for office. I looked into it in my own town in New Jersey, and I almost crawled out of my skeleton at the level of stupid I'd have to pretend to respect. But what you can do
is vote, right? To defund these libraries and make these kangaroo courts and declare the Bible school
lunch on Tuesdays, they need you not to vote in your local elections and not to be vocal at your
city meetings. So please do those things.
And if you,
unlike me,
can smile at a Republican without cracking your molars,
you should also run for local office.
Yeah.
And also like donate to the local friends of the library if you can.
And one way or the other,
go to the library more,
right?
Nothing secures their funding quicker than a full parking lot.
Another one to keep in mind.
And in Harmerers only news.
Nice.
You're a conservative Christian white guy who likes to use slur words for all different groups when you're out at dinner.
But without all the judgy scolding from your date and the staff at the restaurant and most of the people around you,
there's finally a dating app for you.
It'll just be the restaurant staff the people around you
calling you a nazi from now on but not your date the app is called the right stuff it's only for
hetero conservatives and it's launching next month get excited so so their business plan isn't exactly
dating a site for incels but it's not exactly not that either, right?
It's that.
Is it weird that no matter how bad the women are on that app,
they still don't deserve right-wing men?
So the new app was co-founded by conservative billionaire Peter Thiel,
who happens to be gay,
and therefore would not be able to use the app
he spent a bunch of money on,
which does not have any functionality for same-sex dating.
Keep it up, Petey.
They're going to load you into the train car last, buddy.
They promise.
Yeah.
The other two founders are Daniel Huff and John McEntee, both members of the Trump administration.
So the whole point of the app is clearly that Huff and McEntee were living in D.C. for four years and couldn't get anyone from Tinder to touch their penis.
Every single time it was like, yeah, yeah.
So I actually work at the White House.
It's no big deal.
Martini in the eye.
Woman leaves.
Weepy masturbation at home onto their copy of Atlas Shrug.
That's what happened every time.
As it should be.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So that was a problem for them.
And they started an app.
And their brand messaging is fucking terrifying.
Beyond just the idea of Republicans breeding, it's also terrifying for other reasons.
On the landing page for their site, it says, quit swiping, scrolling, and trolling the wrong people.
There are people out there just like you.
Trolling?
Who want to troll.
Yeah, right. So either they're being way too honest about their order of operations on Tinder. there are people out there just like you who want to troll on a dating app.
They're being way too honest about their order of operations
on Tinder or
their moms convince them that it's not
an insult. People are just accusing them of asking
questions in threes. Either
way, it's pretty fucking funny.
Also worth noting,
the spokesperson for the right
stuff is Ryan
McEnany. Ryan with two n's yes
mcain any the sister of trump's final press secretary kaylee mcain any and ryan mack does
a promo video for the app that is just shockingly bad it's almost worth a god awful movies episode
all to itself it's only two minutes long i still think it can carry a show during those two minutes.
She literally doesn't complete more than one sentence without a cut.
She doesn't seriously.
She doesn't.
Here's the first 10 seconds.
Word for word and cut for cut quote.
Hey guys,
I'm Ryan cut.
I've got to tell you about something.
I'm so excited to announce, Cutt.
A dating app for all of us conservatives, Cutt.
It's called Cutt.
What?
The right stuff, Cutt.
And for what it's worth, I'm the last woman that will be associated with it in any way ever.
Yeah.
Yeah, they had to cut around her projectile vomiting, and that's not easy. No, it's fair.
You know.
And it gets worse from there it's like someone
got onto the teleprompter and put in random punctuation as a prank and she still tried to
read it so we're watching ryan mcnainy getting baffled by random semicolons but also explaining
the bigot rules for the right stuff that includes no pronouns what and of course they only allow for two genders we also
learn that women can join for free but men have to pay and it's invite only so here's the deal
i'm sure we have plenty of genuine conservative bigot ladies listening right now in our audience
who would never lie about their political opinions and would never ever run a series of pranks through this app
for those people check out join right stuff.com but seriously no pranks and definitely no reporting
back to us with the results of those pranks that you would never do that would be unethical right
do that yeah you wouldn't want to troll the wrong people yeah whatever you do do not convince
conservative assholes to drive an hour away to a
tgi fridays and then leave them there only for the waiter to walk over at the end of their meal
with a wooden box containing a gun and a single bullet okay all right do that we're saying don't
now i have to call andrew again so we're gonna pause for a word from this week's second sponsor
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Oh, and what did he say to that?
Oh, he freaked out,
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Oh, Achum, no.
I mean, I don't know why I expected anything better.
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This is what I'm talking about.
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I don't even know what that means. First
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Yeah, he's my wife's friend, dude.
I'm sitting right here.
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This is crazy.
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Now, if you'll excuse us,
Woldasher is actually kind of going through some stuff right now.
Thank you, yes.
Oh, that sounds tough.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what else is tough?
Being abandoned in the ever-dreaming forest.
You said my name.
That's on you.
He's got a point.
You did say his name.
I hate all of you.
You guys want me to turn him into a mountain stream? No.
No, just let him cool down on his
own, man.
And in trans
substanciation news,
we've got an update on what may
have been my favorite story we
did on this show in the year
2020. As regular listeners to
the show will remember, Travis Clark, the former pastor of St. Peter
and Paul Catholic Church in Pearl River, Louisiana, was arrested when he and two dominatrixes
were caught filming themselves having sex on the altar of his church, as well as shitting
on the carpet.
You might also remember that we were actually worried because all three of them had caught
felony charges. Well,
podcast listener, good news.
Our two dominatrixes pled down to misdemeanors
and will serve no jail time,
meaning this story is now
100% a good thing.
Well,
I mean, there was a baptismal font right
in there. The carpet is still pretty good,
I guess, but still.
Well, there's already a bunch of fecal matter in the holy water. That's true.
All of it. Like, every single time we
test it anywhere, ever, in any
church. A lot of poop.
A whole bunch of poo in there. A lot of poop.
Mostly poop.
That was the original name for right stuff.
It was taken.
So, Melissa Chang, 25,
professionally known as Mistress Ming, and mindy dixon 43 aka
satanatrix or lady v each entered a guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge of institutional vandalism
they also agreed to return to court next year as witnesses for the prosecution against mr clark
who is charged with obscenity and institutional vandalism, both at the felony level.
And it's important to point out,
looks as if Frankenstein's monster had been made entirely out of dead sex offenders.
Right?
His fucking Dolly prompt would be Barney Rubble pedophile.
Somehow this guy has every recessive thing all at once.
Like all of them.
It's like every single ancestor he had for two million years rolled a nat 20 on recessive.
It's impressive in some way.
Yeah, he's the bottom left corner bean going all the way back.
He has cleft red hair.
I don't even know what that means.
He has a cleft scalp.
So both women receive suspended sentences and two years of supervised probation.
And the case against Clark, and I love this so much, is actually largely based on the fact that while their sex acts were private, Clark chose to shit on the carpet, which the court noted is a pretty public and vandalistic thing to do.
is a pretty public and vandalistic thing to do.
Of the carpet, the church released a statement saying, quote, cleaning would be the minimal effort required
to restore the carpet's function.
Replacement would be ideal.
End quote.
Well, I mean, it depends on where you genuflect,
but yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so there you have it.
A happy ending for everyone who matters
and important legal advice that you can take from a podcast.
It is completely fine to sneak into a church and fuck on their altar as long as you don't shit on the carpet.
Don't think that that's true.
Well, that's what I learned.
And in miracle whip you news tonight, you really have to see it spelled out.
It looks like Trump isn't the only lie driven, sexually abusive, dangerous, anti-democratic conservative cult headquartered in the southeastern U.S. that the Department of Justice is investigating.
We learned on Friday that the DOJ also has their sights set on America's largest Protestant denomination, the Southern Baptist Convention, amid rampant reports of sexual abuse and sex abuse cover-ups.
cover-ups according to a statement from 14 sbc leaders they quote recently became aware that the department of justice has initiated an investigation into the southern baptist convention and that the
investigation will include multiple sbc entities end quote apparently there's gambling in our
establishment we are shocked right love the sbc hey you open mouth ghouls it's us your bosses
you're mad at the fbi right now well it turns
out that's handy as fuck because they're looking into our thing right now as well right yeah
everyone pay attention real quick and then please stop paying attention yeah now of course we've
been talking about this for quite a while on this show back in 2019 a joint investigation by the
houston chronicle and the san antonio express news revealed rampant sex abuse within the spc
especially in their international mission board which is entirely funded by member church donations.
After a huge public outcry, the SBC eventually reluctantly hired on an independent investigator to look into the allegations.
And their findings, which were released earlier this year, were far more damning than anything the newspapers found.
The report detailed the pattern of cover ups, downplaying, ignoring and demeaning victims and refusals to reform oh and also a list of known abusers that
were sbc affiliated that the organization chose to keep secret yikes wow okay great work by the
journalists who uncovered this but maybe we just make it easier from now on have them do a big
expose if they find a church that doesn't abuse kids yeah there you go and that could be the story take the republican approach we ban all the churches for
now and we can reopen them one by one when they're certain they're no kid fuck there you go right
sure you can have churches back at the end of the semester yes but no you can't still no no so yeah
so apparently all of this shit didn't escape the attention of the department of justice or or at least didn't continue to escape their attention after Trump was out of office.
So they're looking into it.
Of course, the DOJ hasn't confirmed this because that's not a thing that they generally do.
But we did hear about it from the SBC leaders who also announced their intention to fully cooperate with the probe.
And who the hell knows how long that'll last but in the very same statement they were super clear that this was all about somebody else's mistake back in the day even though by their own admission they
haven't yet done anywhere near enough to prevent it in the future sbc is like this is somebody
else's fault if it happened which it didn't yes one of us only tells lies the other
oh you guys are just going to go through the door anyway because you have a warrant Yes. One of us only tells lies. The other.
Oh, you guys are just going to go through the door anyway because you have a warrant.
Dressed up like this for nothing.
Yeah, right, right.
And finally tonight in Lobo's news, we have a story about Lauren Boebert.
There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news.
She's a member of U.S. Congress.
Yeah, I was doing everything she can.
Yeah.
OK, let me just start with the first thing. She's a member of U.S. Congress who's doing everything she can to... Yeah, okay, let me just start with the first thing.
She's a member of U.S. Congress, and she's doing everything she can to further dissolve the separation of church and state,
including a new proposal to have biblical citizenship training in public schools.
The good news, though, Lobowe-Boebs and her husband are a giant embarrassment.
And we learned about their continued failure in that field last week, including the subfield of
not having embarrassing personal finances revealed and the subfield of not getting drunk and smashing
into your neighbor's mailbox in a crazy rage. The Boebses failed at both of those subfields. People, people,
we made the couple that breaks up on Facebook every other week.
Congress people,
we might as well watch them catch DV charges in front of their naked baby on
the house floor.
All right.
So we'll start with the evil theocracy part over to period on the Christian
news show flashpoint last week.
That airs on the Victory Channel, which is owned by millionaire hate pastor Kenneth Copeland.
During the segment, she was talking about how Republicans need to galvanize voters before the
midterms. And she said, quote, maybe we need to have some sort of legislation that requires
biblical citizenship training in our schools. And that's how we get things turned around.
Well, I guess once you've taken all the education out,
you got to fill it with something.
So sure.
Yeah, I can't do like second gym or whatever.
Okay, Lauren Boebert, I'll tell you what.
We'll do a Bible quiz, you versus Noah.
And if you lose, you have to shut the fuck up for it.
There you go.
How's that sound?
That's fair.
And just to be clear,
Boebert wasn't just spitballing
an idea there she was definitely talking about an actual class that she knows about that already
exists it's called biblical citizenship in modern america and it's an eight-week online video course
created by rick green a former texas state legislator and the owner of something called
patriot academy what and the videos of something called Patriot Academy.
And the videos in the course are full of advice from people like Matt Staver and David Barton
about how the Constitution is really just an addendum to the Bible.
And during the appearance on Flashpoint, Boebert proudly mentions how she took that exact course,
which I'm certain includes tactical formations and dive rolls, you know,
as they apply to constitutional law somehow.
Yeah, right.
And okay, kind of joking about that,
but I actually checked the website for the Patriot Academy
as I was reading this story.
They literally have a constitutional defense class
at the Patriot Academy that includes 28 hours of firearms training
and 12 hours of intellectual
training in the classroom and their video for that class is almost entirely tactical gun pointing
like walk walk walk walk jump to the left and point like it's so much of that it also includes
one moment with a guy kicking down a door and then they cut right before he does what i'm certain was
a very bad dive roll that they couldn't use in the shot right or he jumped into the room sideways
firing two guns right yeah guys you know that they called it intellectual training because their
target audience would be turned off by the concept of learning things if they didn't put an army word
in it right all right fellas there's also 12 hours of tactical sunglasses
on the back of your head.
Knowledge.
Shit, we lost them.
Yeah, it's just not enough modifiers.
Yeah, so I promised a bit of good news too.
Here it is.
I'll start with Boebert's financial disclosures,
which are required if you're a member of Congress.
Based on her disclosure from last year,
she faced some heavy criticism when it was revealed that her husband jason was paid almost with a y a million dollars
by terra energy an oil and gas company with a very large presence in her district in colorado
and then on this year's form she listed jason's income as n slash a so here's the thing according to the rule you don't even have to list
the exact income you just have to list the source which means a she's fucking dumb and didn't need
to mention the million dollars last year but also b now we have to assume that this year it was
something even worse than jason getting paid a seven-figure sum while his wife, just by coincidence, happens to continue supporting legislation that helps a very specific oil and gas company in her district.
Also, we learned that Jason spent the last year trading thousands of dollars in cryptocurrency on Robinhood.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
So, okay, so I know this isn't the point, but how the fuck are they not required to disclose their
spouse's exact income?
Why not? You have to say the number.
That's crazy. That's what we call the
McConnell special, Noah.
There's only so much information
you can give to the people before they start setting
up guillotines, you know?
Yeah, and we have one other piece of news from the
Bobes file. I love this so much.
Police in Garfield County, Colorado, released 911 calls last week from the neighbors of the Bobes.
So you're probably imagining something with drunk idiots and firearms.
Well, you're exactly correct.
It's exactly that.
You have it just right in your head.
And dune buggies.
Yes, and dune.
Literally, you were picturing dune buggies, weren't you?
Yes, there are. There are going to be dune buggies. Yes, and literally you were picturing dune buggies, weren't you? Yes, there are.
There are going to be dune buggies.
Apparently, one of the Bobes' kids was speeding around the residential neighborhood in a dune buggy,
and the neighbors told the kid to slow down.
And when Jason Bobert heard about that, he continued being abusively drunk like he always is no matter when he had heard that.
He jumped in his truck, and he went to confront one of of the neighbors and then he smashed into their mailbox with his truck okay just to be
clear he was driving from his house to his neighbor's house like feet not miles and he
crashed eli phil's attack thank you noah for your support he crashed into the mailbox and then
someone from that house called 911 and explained
how the whole family is fucking awful
and they're always carrying 19 guns
at all times and they specifically
during like an emergency 911
call, they stopped to be like,
and Jason, this guy, he's dumb as a fucking post
911 operator.
All that being said,
let's be fair, Jason was a
big crypto trader over the last year maybe he crushed
it he's the one that crushed it yeah i guess what we're saying is that if someone sends this family
a big thing of quick fuse fireworks this problem might work itself out in payroll people we could
just all right well i guess this marks the second time i've had a clear road joke with andrew in a
single segment so it might be time to close the headlines off.
Heath, Eli, thanks as always.
Jumanji.
And when we come back, Anna will rock the fucking house.
Yes.
Hi, I'm Anna Bosnick.
And I'm no illusions.
And we're blanket survivalists.
Sharing a blanket with four cats and a blanket hog spouse can be hard work.
Or a pug and a blanket hog spouse.
Exactly.
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Oh, what are the regulator sheets from My Sheets Rock?
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You don't even have to share your sheets.
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Until they invent the blanket winch, this is as good as it's My sheets rock until they invent the blanket winch.
This is as good as it's going to get.
Ooh, a blanket winch.
That's genius.
Right?
Modern day Christians have to make a lot of bullshit claims with a straight face.
Might even be the hardest part of their job.
They have to pretend to trust in the power of prayer.
They have to pretend they hate porn.
They believe in heaven.
But of all the bullshit claims that they have to make without cracking a smile,
perhaps the consistently least convincing
is the part where they pretend to like Christian music,
which we're going to examine in depth again tonight
in another installment of god awful music
and to make this happen of course we need to welcome back our resident expert in all things
musical anna bosnick anna so glad you could join us for non-ad purposes as well thank you very much
i'm so happy to be here all right so and have to ask, where did you find this miserable piece of shit?
Well, Noah, this one actually comes to us straight from TikTok.
Oh.
It first came to my attention after being posted by the account at Kirby Max with the caption,
therapy isn't enough.
I need Reliant K to apologize for this song.
And then sent to me by one Eli Bosnick with the caption,
Oh my God, Anna.
Oh my God, it's perfect.
Anna, please do it.
Anna, Anna, Anna.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
So yeah, thanks Eli for this.
It's everything you want in God awful music.
It's giving high school garage band.
It's giving pubescent neck beard.
It's giving early 2000s normalized misogyny.
And it's giving Axe body spray and crispy socks.
It's absolutely the Axe body spray of songs.
So this Reliant K, they are very much a Christian band.
I say that because the song isn't specific.
They don't talk about Jesus in the song.
It's Christian just in its level of misogyny, I think.
But one way or the other, it certainly belongs on this
segment. Indeed. They are
a Christian rock band. Yeah, absolutely.
Also, they spell Reliant wrong.
Well, yeah, they do it because they don't want to get
sued because one guy named it after his
brand of car.
They thought Dodge was going to sue their
Christian band.
Yeah, man.
They thought Dodge was going to sue gonna they really need themselves an andrew
oh no no one cares that you guys are alive i could stab all of you to death right now here
in my office and uh no one would miss you no i know you didn't ask if anyone would miss you it
was illegal i just thought i would point that out legally it's important to me i just want you to know i have a few christian like ex-christians in my like network of friends
and every once in a while before i do one of these i'm like do you guys remember this band
and literally i got no and a no and then i said do you remember reliant k and someone was like oh god
yeah oh no i i just had a i just i, right. No, that question should come with a trigger warning.
Just dropped into the Reliant K-hole.
This is bad.
All right.
So this is the song Mood Rings.
It starts with,
we all know the girls that I am talking about.
Oh, yeah.
Yikes.
Oh, yeah.
We're starting mid-conversation.
And made you...
Always nice when your music starts the same way Oh, yeah. Yikes. Oh, yeah. We're starting mid-conversation. And made-your-ass.
Always nice when your music starts the same way as a homeless guy's pitch to the subway train.
He might as well start it with, what do you mean, you people?
He means women who told him that a wet vagina is a disease.
Got it.
Okay, yeah.
I was wondering, right?
Because then it goes on to say, well, these are the time bombs and they are ticking and the only questions when they'll blow up and i'm like oh he's talking
about squirters but you're saying the opposite i think it works either way they have that capability
and he goes on to say and they'll blow up we know that without a doubt yeah you really couldn't
fit that whole thought in one stance of them could you you ran out of bars in the song you wrote
yes the only question's when they'll blow up and they'll blow up we know that without a doubt yeah
wait no but he's still on the same stupid fucking thought in the next line because he goes, because there are those girls, you know, those girls that let their emotions get the
best of them.
Go.
Yeah, go.
Yeah.
Because you know who has complete control over their emotions and is totally like zen
about it?
Punk bands.
Christian punk bands.
I was going to say, it takes a special kind of misogyny to talk about how emotional less than 1% of mass shooters are.
The genre of band that literally sounds like this.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
He's talking about emotions.
This is an emo punk band.
Yeah.
Literally in the...
Whatever.
So, okay.
And he goes, and I contrived some sort of plan
to help my fellow man rhymed is it therapy i sure hope it's therapy yeah i wrote oh are you
gonna stop writing songs that boil down to bitches am i right women but don't worry i've got a plan
what okay what chord is good for finger steep right yeah jesus you have a plan. What? Okay, what chord is good for finger steepling? Right, yeah.
Jesus.
You have a plan?
The whole fucking thing is terrible.
So he goes, let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings.
I mean, this came out in 2003.
I think they already were. Fair.
One mood ring to rule them all.
That's my plan in a song I'm writing.
Oh, and then he gets real impressed
with himself. The next line in the chorus is
so we'll be tipped off to when they're
ticked off. The music stops
for a beat here so we can appreciate
that wordplay. Golf clap. Oh, sorry.
Give me a second. Give me another second.
Tipped and ticked
rhyme. It's very close to the same
word, in fact. Nope.
And then he wraps up by saying,
because we'll know what they're thinking,
just what they're thinking.
That sounds vastly more
powerful than the mood rings
of my youth. You're right. More like you'll
know if she washed her hands after coming back
from the bathroom or not.
Darling, I hear that, but I'm
pretty sure that this guy can assume that
all the women in his life
are mad at him all the time like you know what fair right they're all thinking okay thanks for
the ring and uh blue means i don't like your music it's bad music you're not talented same
with the other colors just so you know all right here's here's a baffling fucking line he goes on
to say she's so pretty but she doesn't always act that way okay
this is the crux of this song yes how does one act pretty how right oh don't mind me i'll just
be over here acting uh asymmetric and are you scaling right now are you acting scaling no wait
there's there's even more clever wordplay to
come her moods out swinging on the swing set almost every day yeah her moods are having a
lovely time at the park and you're spoiling it seems like it yeah i feel like he lost track of
the metaphor hard here right he's like her moods are on the seesaw, going, enjoying.
You go, periods.
Periods?
I hate recess.
Yes, I hate recess.
I prefer the class time.
So terrible.
Okay, yeah.
And then he goes on to say, she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing.
And all I said was, someone get that girl a mood ring.
Fuck mood rings.
She needs Xanax.
Right? Also, she just told needs Xanax. Right?
Also, she just told you her fucking emotions.
Right?
She's so happy it's depressing.
Even if mood rings weren't bullshit,
that's way more descriptive than she's feeling turquoise.
Anyway, okay.
So then we get our next verse.
If it's drama you want,
then look no further. They're like
the real world meets boy
meets world meets days of our
lives. Boy meets world is
a comedy, sir.
No, no, darling. It has a dark side.
Heath will tell you. It's actually a
deconstructionist commentary on the tree
stats of suburban mundanity
and the inevitable march of death
if you really get into it that's
what i got out of it yeah we've been stopping him from doing his own podcast about that show for
years oh my god it's a similar pastiche it's very it's got a lot of depth to it yeah it's called for
whom the bell tolls it's a whole thing and it goes on to say of women and it just kills me how they
get away with murder okay but that's
like a serious crime she's gonna need a lot more than xanax and a like quarter machine tchotchke
credit where credit's due women do get away with murder a lot more often but they also
murder a lot less than men do yeah you know oh sure fair, God. I love this line. They anger you, then bat their eyes.
Those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize.
Give me a second for that wordplay.
That was a good rhyme.
Right.
This song is literally the exact opposite of sympathizing, bro.
Yeah.
I wrote in my notes, say what you will about publishing your L's.
This is the first guy I've ever met who wrote a song about how hard he doesn't get it.
We'll write a shitty song about it for the regional college circuit of Northeast Ohio.
I will.
In your face.
I'm winning.
All right.
So once again, we get the and I've contrived some sort of plan to help my fellow man.
Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings.
But, you know, I think the concept is actually kind of
growing on me. So like,
if you get cornered by
that little neurodivergent four-year-old
at the party, you could just give him a magic
eight ball. Oh, there you go. He won't have to ask you the questions
anymore. Ask this thing, buddy.
So he wraps it up. So we'll be tipped
off to when they're ticked off because we'll know just
what they're thinking, just what they're thinking. So he
does know about thinking, at least theoretically theoretically he's aware that women have mine
yeah right once again she's so pretty but she doesn't act that way her mood's out swinging
on the swing set almost every day that's you that's your mood sound like that you're stupid
you're having fun she said to me that she's so stressed out that
it's soothing and all i said was someone get that girl a mood ring okay somebody get that guy a
cock ring wow right that was almost the parody or a cage maybe so okay so now we're at the like
fucking bridge or whatever he goes because when it's black means watch your back because you're
probably and i i feel like i should interrupt the lyric to explain he's talking about the mood ring here not the girl
it could be both because you're probably the last person yeah the christian band from ohio pretty
sure in the world now that she wants to see oh yeah actually it means that she's 66 degrees
fahrenheit so she's probably cold. That's what that means.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's what black means on a mood ring.
No.
See, again,
I'm going to side with the mood ring here
because if he sees someone
wearing a ring of any color,
he's probably right
that he is the last person in the world
that she wants to say.
It's a broken clock.
Right.
Right.
Twice a day situation.
He needs to know
if she wants to hear the new song he's been working on.
It's important.
She doesn't ever.
Wait, he's got more colors here.
And when it's blue, it means that you, Rhyme, should call her up immediately.
And by the way, he delivers the line with this amazing two-syllable version of immediately in it.
Quickly would be fine, but immediately.
two-syllable version of immediately in it,
quickly would be fine, but... Immediately.
Yeah.
So you should call her up immediately
and ask her out
because she'll most likely agree immediately.
What?
And that would actually be
83 to 88 degrees.
So short, maybe,
if you have central air.
She'll agree.
Also, I love that he has a low batting average
on asking out the woman he's dating.
No, I get it.
I do get it.
Me too.
Wait, more colors.
And when it's green, it simply means that she is really stressed.
No, no, no.
That is 76 to 81.
She is having a nice day outside.
She is way too busy with her rock climbing and sailing plans.
Yeah.
Taking a lovely walk to her favorite swing set in the park.
There you go.
Yeah, she's good.
And then he runs out of colors.
Apparently black, blue and green are the only ones he knows about because the next line is.
And when it's clear, it means she's completely emotionless.
And that's all's alright I must confess
that's actually
a broken mood ring
yep
the thermochromic crystal
leaked out you just have a glass ball there
that's not anything
which I should point out now
leaves us with the terrifying conclusion that this
guy doesn't know what mood rings
are and has just been assuming his mom is always whatever emotion gold is disappointed gold means gold means
married and taken already also let's not lose track of what a weird desire girlfriend with
no emotion is right like i'm looking for a catatonic girl myself.
Also, what I'm getting from this is
I've always wanted a handless girlfriend
to match my emotional maturity.
I feel like that's the theme.
Okay. Alright, so he goes, we all know
the girls that I'm talking about. She liked
you Wednesday, but now it's Friday and
she has to wash her hair.
Anyone who has ever taken a shower knows
that's not a fucking excuse.
Nope.
It means fuck off.
Yep.
It just means fucks off.
It means what the fuck did you do on Thursday, you asshole?
Also, she didn't like you on Wednesday.
I reject the premise of this entire verse.
Get out of here.
He goes on, and it just figures that we'll never figure them out.
More wordplay.
First, she's Jekyll, and then she's Hyde.
At least she makes a lovely pair.
I feel like he doesn't know that he's
implying she murdered a prostitute.
He does not.
And then
the song changes entirely and he goes
mood ring, oh mood ring.
Yeah, mood shift. But yeah, right.
It's almost, it felt like the song had credits.
We were going into the credits.
Epilogue.
Shout out to mood rings for being in the song song's playing itself off like it gave too long of a speech at the
oscars right yeah yeah he goes oh tell me will you bring the key to unlock this mystery again
vastly overestimating what this thing can do. Right. Of girls and their emotions.
Play it back in slow motion.
That's a rhyme.
So I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.
I'm like,
neither is understanding.
No understanding.
And minds are not in your wheelhouse,
bro.
Not going to happen.
There's infrastructure.
You don't know that.
Get out of here.
Right. The omnibus spending bill.
Fuck you.
And the song's over and we get the little trailing thing where he's like, ha, that was terrible.
I mean, you said it, bud.
Right, but it was.
It just was, though.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, so that's where the song ends.
But it's where Anna's work really begins.
Because it turns out that there is no musical monstrosity Christianity can make that Anna can't fix.
So without further ado, Anna, take it away.
We all know the men that I am talking about.
They are morons and they keep sticking their nose in everybody else's rights.
It's like they don't know that it's not about them. Cause they're those men,
yeah, you know those men who don't want anyone else to put up a fight.
And if I had three wishes, I'd use them right now to say
I wish Christian men could control their feelings
It gets depressing when they start messing with political dealings
It's really unappealing
Cause they're so boring yet they still think that we want their tapes
Like little grumpy narrow-minded baby boys, no place
It's like they have some sort of biblical devotion
To never peeping in a single damn emotion
If it's drama you want then look no further
They're like The Bachelor meets Tiger King
Meets Housewives of Beverly Hills
Oh my god Craig, I get it.
You're a forced birther
and a fiscal Republican
and an alpha man
and you've never had to learn a fucking social skill.
God!
And if I had three wishes,
I'd give them life, not a say.
I wish Christian men could control their feelings
It gets depressing when they start messing
With political dealings
It's really unappealing
Cause they're so boring
Yet they still think that we want their takes
Like little grumpy, narrow-minded baby boys, no flakes
It's like they have some sort of biblical
devotion to never keeping in a single damn emotion because he gets seven people at representation
to any at or show a movie around the nation boy now the church is covering up abuse and tax fraud
he says those aren't real christians and that isn't my god because he's like i don't get it
why do people seem to hate me just cause I like engaging in spirit and debate
He doesn't get that there's a mental fucking consequence
For devil's advocate with someone's lived experience
The lack of empathy's intense
We all know the guys that I am talking about
The mental gymnastics that they do just to stay in their little box.
They don't know that it's their job to go and figure it out.
They just want someone to hold their hands and tell them they're right and then silently listen to them talk.
write and then silently listen to them talk.
I wish, oh I wish, just listen to this guy bitch about sex ed curriculums in schools.
And I have to stay calm, though I want to face palm
cause if I get emotional
he'll lose his
cool
and I don't know
murder someone or some shit
Thanks once again
Anna our audience is the fucking best
so they deserve you but pretty much
nobody else's audience would
anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight
we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.
If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode
of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at
7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our
Half-Sister Show Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern
on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't out
this joint until I thank Heath Enright for
taking on the lion's share of my work while I was away.
I need to thank Eli Bosnick for a home run
of a diatribe last week. Also
other stuff, but man, that was really fucking good. I also
want to thank Lucinda Lusions for still being fun as
hell to take a road trip with after 25 years
of doing it. I need to thank Anna Bosnick
once more for helping out so much this week. I also
want to thank Brad, Bonnie, Nico, Ginger, Alyssa,
Autumn, Vinny, Deb, April, and Jason
for making my vacation so fucking good. I also
want to thank Janelle for providing this week's Farnsworth
quote slash reminder that MLMs are super
fucked. They are. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best
people. Anaximander, Yonan, Cobalt, Piston, George, Steven, Andrew, John, ignoring my PhD, Todd,
Arnaud, Stanley, Mark, James, Philip, Joshua, Phantom X, Billy, Heather of House, Snark, Melissa,
Steven, and Cindy, and Gregory. Anaximander, Yonan, Piston, George, Steven, Andrew, and John,
who's ninjitsu, makes our entire defense budget a bit redundant. PhD, Todd, Arnaud, Stanley, Amanda, Yonan, Piston, George, Stephen, Andrew, and John, who's ninjitsu, makes our entire defense budget a bit redundant.
PhD, Todd, Arnold, Stanley, Mark, James, and Phillip, who are so hot they set off fire sprinklers.
And Joshua, Phantom X, Billy, Heather, Melissa, Stephen, Cindy, and Gregory,
whose IQs are even higher than I got in the We Legal states.
Together, these 24 people, machine parts, curious life choices, and long-dead philosophers
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If you have questions, comments, or hate you fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Right. I hate you.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
I'll murder you.
Oh, no, you can't kill me
because I was never alive.
God damn it.
Morgan, this is all going in the ass.
Yeah.
The preceding podcast
was a production of
Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.
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