The Scathing Atheist - 498: Happily Esther After Edition

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

In this week’s episode, a Christian charity tries a surprise mass-shooting larp, the religious right gets dumber on purpose again, and Don and Anna will be here to make the bible less boring. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Anna here: https://www.annabosnick.com/ --- Headlines: Catholic charity holds insane shooter drill, traumatizes staff: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/catholic-charities-staff-traumatized-after-realistic-active-shooter-drill/ Christian school forfeits football game against team with two girls on roster https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/christian-school-forfeits-football-game-against-team-with-two-girls-on-roster/ NC’s homophobic Lt Governor calls on an end to teaching history and science in schools altogether: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/nc-lt-gov-mark-robinson-kids-shouldnt-learn-science-or-history-in-school/ Texas church apologizes after staging illegal, Jesus-infused ‘Hamilton’ https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/texas-church-apologizes-after-staging-illegal-jesus-infused-hamilton/ Satanic Temple Lawsuit reveals unconstitutional payment system in Boston: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/satanic-temple-lawsuit-reveals-pay-to-pray-invocation-practice-in-boston/ Florida teens successfully ousted two anti-LGBTQ “lunatics” from a local school board https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/08/florida-teens-successfully-ousted-two-anti-lgbtq-lunatics-local-school-board/

Warning, the following podcast doesn't just contain adult language, it's brought to you by adult language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Honey, and by the new piety diffuser for Christian households, Prayer Conditioning. Is your house lacking in godliness? Do you need more divine favor? Well, pick up a Scathing Atheist brand Prayer Conditioner today, and good luck proving that it doesn't work. And now, The Scathing Atheist brand prayer conditioner today, and good luck proving that it doesn't work.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Sarah, and I'm a chemist, not an evolutionary biologist, so you should take this with a grain of salt. But as a scientist, I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey people. It's Thursday! Nailed it! It's September 1st. And we're here to kill gods and take names. And we're all out of gods. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. And from Richard Iceman Kuklinski's New Jersey and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, Christian charities try a surprise mass shooting LARP. The religious right gets dumber on purpose again. And Don and Anna will be here to make the Bible not be boring. But first, the diatribe. So I go into the tag office to get my license plate for my new car last week, and the lady behind the counter is like, hey, you want a diatribe with that? Because apparently, when you get your license plate in Georgia now, you have to specify whether you want the one that has your county's name on it

or the one that says, in God we trust, on it. So part of the process of buying a tag, a legally required tag for your goddamn car now, is publicly declaring your religiosity to a state official. Granted, you are allowed to say no and they'll still give you a license plate,

but if you're not religious, or not religious enough to want a declaration of it plastered on your fucking car, you have to say as much in front of a room full of strangers. Now, in this instance, it's me. So she says, do you want to in God we trust license plate? I just give her my best the fuck you talking about face and say, give me the atheist one. But I could see how that would make a lot of people super duper uncomfortable and not just in the tag office. Right. Because keep in mind,

it's not just this room's worth of people that I have to declare it to. Everyone who sees my license plate from this point out and knows there's this Jesus-y alternative will know that I was insufficiently Christian to opt for the Christy plates. Everyone will know that when given a chance to declare my allegiance to our Lord and Savior at no extra cost, I chose not to. In one of the most religious and most armed parts of this country, my vehicle has an I'm a religious outsider flag hanging off of it, and that's required by law. Of course, I didn't have to opt for the choice that genuinely reflects my religious feelings. I could have just succumbed to the obvious social pressure and opted to side with the religious

majority. And no doubt many people do. People have to for example explain to their super duper religious family why they opted out of getting the god one people who might not want their atheism to be common knowledge at their workplace people who just didn't have the heart to tell the little old lady at the tag office who by the way was wearing a giant fucking crucifix that they don't in fact trust in god people who are for one reason or another coerced into endorsing a religious belief that they don't, in fact, trust in God. People who are, for one reason or another, coerced into endorsing a religious belief that they don't share. Because, look, the consequences go beyond all of that, right? I've known way too many people who've had their cars vandalized over the atheist bumper stickers on them or the Darwin fish or whatever dismissed the possibility that this is going to lead to harassment.

The cars now have a with us or against us tag for all the Christian zealots to see. So it'll be really easy to figure out which heathens car needs keyed. And maybe that's not a legitimate concern. Maybe Christian vandals aren't looking at your license plate. But you know who's definitely looking at it? The fucking cops. And if Christian cops aren't subconsciously using the godliness of your license plate as a heuristic of your morality, it'll only be because they're doing it consciously. Seriously, if you don't think that's a legitimate concern,

it's because you don't know how bias works. That's not just a possibility. It's a goddamn guarantee. When a cop is trying to decide if you're really going fast enough, the warrant getting pulled over, or they're trying to decide whether you really deserve a ticket, they're going to know whether or not you chose the God place. And with religiosity

already serving as an unearned stand-in for morality in this country it's crazy to think that this isn't going to be weighed into their decision to at least some degree and i need to emphasize here that this license plate shit is new right they didn't ask how religious i was when i registered a car here three years ago but it's just another step in the weaponization of this in god we trust motto and keep in mind that fucking thing started as a weapon right the motto used to be e pluribus unum which means well the opposite of the divisive shit that they're using this one for but we changed that during the cold war because let's face it we're against the system where nobody starves and everybody gets a house it's a tough marketing campaign far better for america to frame

the battle between communism and capitalism around religion rather than economics, even though they're economic systems and not religions. But after the fall of the Soviet Union, we really didn't need it for that purpose anymore. But hey, we had this great weapon just lying around to be arbitrarily wielded against the nonreligious. So why not make some use of it? So the Christians eventually, hell, one might even say inevitably, turned that weapon against their fellow Americans. They started off on cop cars to send a message to Muslim immigrants. Atheists and other fans of secular governance sued over that, of course, but the courts perversely held that the phrase in God we trust isn't inherently religious, since let's face it, it's already on our money,

and it has been since 1956. Of course they had court sanction they set about putting it everywhere schools courts city buildings other people's private fucking property in this case and for what right like seriously what possible function could any of this shit serve other than outgrouping what other information could possibly be communicated with that phrase it's an inherently divisive motto and what's more it was designed to be that was the point it was originally meant to divide us from a country we were at war with asterisk but we didn't tear it down when the war was over so while the dreaded commies were taken down the berlin wall the only wall we were taken down was the one between church and fucking state.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the Lewis to Mike Clark Eli Bosnick. Eli, are you ready to depart? Oh, you said Lewis. I need to go change out of this wig.

I wondered why you kept calling me Dean. So while Eli does that, we'll take a quick break from our first sponsor this week, ZipRecruiter. Must have squeaky laugh, but only when something is really funny, not all the time. Hey, Eli, what you doing? Oh, hey, no, I'm just posting a job ad for Heath's replacement. Why are you replacing Heath? He's just on vacation. Yeah, but then it'll just be a temporary

fill-in. We need a punsman. I do puns. Besides, we don't have time to go through applications for a job right now. Sifting through resumes takes forever. Oh, no it won't. Why's that? Because I'm using ZipRecruiter at ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. What's ZipRecruiter?

It's the place you can go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. A place where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates. And that's because ZipRecruiter does all the work for you. ZipRecruiter uses its powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with your job. Then you can easily review those recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate within the first day. And right now, to try ZipRecruiter for free, our listeners can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. All right, Eli. That sounds great. So what qualifications have you put in so far? breathing zip recruiter the smartest way to hire all right eli that sounds great so so what qualifications have you put in so far uh so far tall all right uh well post it yes yeah way ahead of you and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight religious people should never be

allowed to be in charge of anything or so actually i have to walk that back a little because there aren't enough of us to run all this stuff so people who are so religious that the religion has to precede the thing that they do shouldn't be in charge of stuff like christian schools faith-based filmmaker or catholic charity those things shouldn't exist first of all but if they have to exist their religious leaders should have to have like a court-appointed rational person that they have to run all their decisions by first to make sure they're not a steaming pile of unmitigated bat shit yeah for example mine's not court appointed heath and noah just get more votes than me right yeah exactly like that and if that seems harsh

it's only because you don't yet know about the catholic charity in nebraska that decided to test its readiness for a mass shooting by staging one unannounced in the middle of their goddamn office like like tricking their employees into thinking that they were the middle of a mass shooting needless to say the pretend shooter is in jail now because some things are so inherently traumatizing that just pretending to do them is still illegal yeah you know that episode of the office where dwight does the fire drill well imagine he had done that the day after everyone went back to work at the world trade center that's what we're talking about yeah about like that yeah so apparently this all happened

back in may a group called catholic charities in in Omaha, Nebraska, decided they needed to do some terrorism training because they just opened up a domestic violence center. And I guess they wanted some firsthand experience with trauma. I don't know. So they hired this dude by the name of John Channels, and they gave him $2,500 to stage a mass shooting, like complete with actors playing dead people over puddles of fake blood and employees who were not warned in any fucking way acted exactly like you'd think that they did. They ran, they screamed, they leapt out of windows. And along the way, of course, they were permanently traumatized by the experience. I mean, it could be worse. You and Heath have to watch me change into my live show outfits backstage.

Well, that's true. That is true yeah so now since then channels has been arrested on five counts of domestic terrorism and one charge of improper weapon use apparently he's also been charged in a separate incident for sexual assault and production of child sex abuse material so you know not like they did a super thorough background check before inviting him to pretend to murder their employees but after the drill was over and they regathered their staff many of whom understandably had fled the fucking building and the block they explained that this was all just a fun little prank and then as if not getting it was a nation and he

wanted to be its ruler channels handed out business cards and encouraged his freshly minted victims to come to him for some firearms training in case this ever happens for realsies. Okay, do you think he has separate cards for gun training and child porn, or do you think it's all together on one card? Seems like it would save stationary costs to just put it all together, yeah. So from what I can see, there are no physical injuries that came from this, though there's no doubt several lawsuits worth of psychological trauma did. But it doesn't take much creativity to imagine a fuck ton of ways that this could have gone way worse. Not the least of which is the good guy with a gun scenario that Omaha, Nebraska, no doubt lends itself to more than most major U.S. cities. But what's harder to imagine is how exactly this goes right.

Because, look, this didn't come after a bunch of training, right? They didn't first implement a rigorous in case of active shooter plan. It actually works against preparedness of anything, since in the case of an actual shooting now, their employees are going to wonder if it's fucking real. Yeah. A little hard to explain the fucking fire drill plan while people are sobbing and vomiting onto the sidewalk. Now, Carol, you'll notice you went out the wrong door of the thing that you hadn't been told. Carol, stop screaming. And in one too many pussies news, Valley Christian Academy, a religious school based out of Santa Monica, California,

will forfeit their game against Coast Union High in October of this year because the opposing team has too many vaginas, an act that's almost as stupid as it is obviously illegal. Well, but Eli, it's because Christian men don't hit women who volunteer for it and are wearing protective gear and can hit back important oh god it's so close to that it really is so let me clarify the story here this doesn't even rise to the new fangled transmisogyny these kids are trying out these days no coast union high school just has icky girls on their team and for fear of i don't know fucking cooties i guess vca which now officially stands for vagina cowards academy by the way

won't play with them and it turns out this is actually a reoccurring problem for vca last year they competed against the local team in a scrimmage realized after the game that the other team had had a girl on their side and then they wrote that school a letter saying that their female player was banned from their campus. Banned from their campus. That would be dubbed too arbitrarily harsh for Facebook's algorithm. Like, where are you banning her over that? Yeah. So that girl's family obviously sued because if Title IX violations could have an example in a textbook it would be that one and the vca

defended itself with you guessed it their religion citing their handbook which says quote there is to be no physical contact between boys and girls at valley christian academy jesus fucking yeah and then the like superintendent guy added quote football is a violent game and we understand the value of such training in our young men within the boundaries of organized sport. However, because of the nature of its contact, we will not play a team that has a female as a part of its football team. End quote. So, yes, I'm being serious. They think girls have cooties and they can't touch them. And that's why they won't play.

Well, right. Right. Because, look, the statute they're citing is not about hitting. Right. There are separate rules about not hitting in their in their fucking rule book that don't specify gender. So they're justifying this by saying that tackling a female player is too intimate. This is way more about their religion than they mean for it to. Boy, doesn't it?

Yeah. So no word from the lawsuit yet. However, this does open up a fantastic opportunity for every other team that plays VCA this year. That's right. I'm talking to you, other football teams in Santa Monica, California. Add some girls to your team. Day of. So that VCA can have that glorious zero

for whatever record they so justly deserve. Oh, there you go. My hunch is that once their ability to safely train violence within the confines of sport, or whatever the fuck they said, is at risk, they'll get permission from Jesus to tackle a girl. You know, as opposed to the forgiveness their students will inevitably

ask when they sexually assault people. Right. in mark of the least news tonight it's getting really hard to exaggerate just how anti-education republicans are at this point right like in fact given the recent moves out of texas and florida a lot of my previous statements to that effect have been downgraded from hyperbole to like, I don't know, like regular bully. And at the same time and to the same degree, it's gotten harder for Republican up and comers to distinguish themselves as being particularly tough on kids knowing things. governor and 2024 gubernatorial hopeful mark robinson comes out against not just this or that aspect of science or history education but the whole goddamn idea of teaching history and science in public schools this is the worst timeline version of story topping yes next week his opponent's gonna be like um uh what's the school i don't know how to read and neither should anyone else.

I win now. That's where we're clearly going. So, yeah, I'm sure you guys all remember Mark Robinson. He promotes himself as, quote, a brash and unfiltered conservative culture warrior, end quote, which is as near as I can tell a six word definition for asshole. He gained national notoriety after dismissing the LGBTQ community as filth and saying that they were trying to, quote, glorify Satan, end quote. He's an anti-Semite. He's a climate change denialist, a birther, a covid conspiracy theorist, a homophobe, a transphobe and a strident misogynist who campaigns for the criminalization of abortion, despite having paid for one back in the 80s. Hey, Mark, nobody's stopping you from giving yourself the death penalty, buddy.

Everything you need, right under the sink. I'm just saying, buddy. Anyway, so that jackass has a new memoir out later this month pompously and delusionally titled, We Are the Majority, The Life and Passions of a Patriot, which is clearly designed to kickstart his 2024

gubernatorial campaign. He says as much in the memoir. And in it, he says that as governor, he'd work to keep history, science, and a number of other unnamed subjects out of the first through fifth grade curricula all together, explaining, quote, in those grades, we don't need to be teaching social studies. We don't need to be teaching science. We surely don't need to be talking about equity and social justice end quote we just need the bible and math and oh shit you know what they're going to get to the part of the bible that

gets math wrong so no math either we're just okay mostly gym class very very long gym class every day i think he's against gym class too i think that from what i was reading i think are we sure he's not two kindergartners in a coach no because he is in favor of math and and look it's hardly surprising that an avowed conspiracy nut would be against history and science in his mind that's all a scam he even says in his book quote guess what because what screams highbrow literary prowess more than employing your readers to guess what in advance your point. Anyway, he says, do I write it in the margins? What's going on, buddy?

Guess what? Most of the people of North Carolina know global warming is junk science, end quote. So, yeah, not shocking that he thinks science education is a waste of time the terrifying and shocking part is the way that expressing that is a viable route to state leadership yeah plus sick burn on the people of north carolina mark i mean right not sure you appreciate that that's what you did but we do yeah all right so quick before my fucking sense of irony melts in this unrelenting heat wave we're going to take a quick break for this week's other sponsor, Honey. Today's episode is sponsored by Honey.

The easy way to save when shopping on your iPhone or computer. Freshen, freshen, crumble, mumble. Hey, Noah, you're making angry start of the ad sounds. What's the matter? Well, so you know how this past week was Heath's birthday? Of course. Well, I got him his favorite later cheese from his favorite cheese shop, and I just remembered today that I had a coupon code in my email. Oh, man.

Missing a coupon code's the worst. But have you tried honey? I don't know. He really seems to prefer cheese. No, Noah. Honey. It's a free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best ones it finds to your cart.

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saved $50 on an air conditioner thanks to honey just last month. Honey doesn't just work on desktop, it works on your iPhone too. Just activate it on Safari on your phone and save on the go. If you don't already have honey, you could be straight up missing out. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting the show. I'd never recommend something I don't use. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. All right. Well, at least now I know for next time, right? Hey, by the way, which shop did you go with?

Cheez Whiz or the Honger Monger? Cheez Whiz. Oh, man, you got to go Honger Monger. Way better deal. Well, sure. Now you tell me. And in Scamilton news, we have an update

from one of my favorite stories of 2022, namely the unlicensed and beautifully horrifying production of Hamilton produced by the Dormick Allen Church in Texas last month.

And spoilers, this is going to be one expensive fundraiser they did for themselves, y'all. Yeah, right. I had a blast on my vacation, don't get me wrong, but I was so pissed at this story for happening while I was away. Yeah. So for those of you who don't remember or haven't heard, the Dorma Callen Church apparently has a habit of producing unlicensed musicals without permission as well as editing those musicals to

add things like homophobic content or alexander hamilton dedicating his life to jesus christ so unluckily for them this particular ripoff of hamilton went viral partly because of its horrifying additions but also partly because of how goddamn bad it was. People, you have to see this. You can still find clips on TikTok. It's like the cast got together to listen to the Hamilton CD once the night before the show.

And before you ask, yes, they have ignored all of our letters suggesting they try Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark next. Rude. Every fucking one. Super rude. Yeah. So anyway, after weeks of denials and lying and subterfuge, this week, Dormic Allen Church put out an official apology for stealing Hamilton, rife with spelling errors and corrections of the very blatant lies they had told just weeks earlier.

But here's my favorite part. They end their little statement of contrition by admitting that they're going to pay damages which the actual hamilton team have already pledged to donate to charity so we're going to get to see just how much this little stunt cost them and my guess is this is not going to be cheap a fucking bunch of broadway bigwigs get to decide how much homophobia should cost i sure sure the hell hope it isn't cheap. Anyways, I'm glad this story is resolved the way it did. I got to admit, there was kind of a tiny part of me that suspected the Supreme Court would be handing down a copyrights don't count for churches decision.

But I'm glad to see that this happened. In the meantime, I have sent Dormic Allen Church the full script and libretto for Heath and I's musical, Hats Off to Botswana, along with full permission to perform it. So assuming they can find a donkey and a kiddie pool full of jello, that's up to them to perform. And in pay to pray news tonight, it turns out that religious discrimination wasn't the only way that the Boston City Council meetings invocations were unconstitutional. During a deposition over a lawsuit brought by the Satanic Temple last week, we learned that until recently, the council was paying the people who presented said invocations. Like with money. They were like they were giving taxpayer dollars to handpicked and discriminatorily chosen people to perform religious ceremonies during state functions.

Oh, and they put a stop to that practice at precisely the same time that the satanic temple started making noise about wanting in on those invocations. Neil Gorsuch in a literal backbend with his head through his legs. That's not government endorsement because they're not wearing patches like nascar right yeah uh-huh it's hurting me guys it hurts me i'm neil gorsuch so yeah so we first reported on this lawsuit last year the city of boston had been doing these bullshit invocations for a while and even though just that should be plenty of enough to run afoul of the first amendment the supreme court dismissed shit like that even before trump stacked it with super zealot contortionists but to maintain the patina

of constitutionality they have to make sure it's open to everyone and their policy of just having a random council member nominate somebody all but ensures that it can't be which the satanic temple demonstrated by expressing an interest in delivering an invocation and finding no takers among the council members surprise surprise who would have guessed anyway so during a deposition last thursday city council compliance director christine o'donnell sat for a deposition in relation to the suit and that's where we learned this even more egregious aspect of the whole thing and let's be clear about how fucked up this is right because a lot of the time these invocations were done by like some random friend. There was no vetting process beyond the inherent discriminatory one.

So this was literally a way for members of the city council to just hand state funds to their friends. And as bad as that already was, they decided to end the practice the second it looked like maybe some non-Abrahamic faiths were also going to get in on that money. Yeah, they literally failed in the some of my best friends are blank yes some of my best friends well okay I'm some of my best friends are not Christian I just don't want to give them money shit oh can I go again I fucked it damn meanwhile Neil Gorsuch has now got his head all the way up his ass and back out of his mouth somehow and he's going going like, yeah, no, you can. You can. So, yeah, the obvious best case scenario on a suit like this is ending the goddamn invocations altogether.

Right. They have no place in a secular governance and it's virtually impossible to do them in a way that isn't discriminatory. But on top of that, it's clearly grift that begets grift. Right. It's an unconstitutional practice with an unconstitutional selection process and unconstitutional funding. And the fact that anybody can mistake it for legal for even an instant is a great demonstration of just how pretzeled our legal system had to get to accommodate this level of religious privilege. And not for nothing, they suck, right? They're the most watered down invocation of a space wizard you've ever heard.

And then they follow it up with arguing about where to put stop signs. Stop wasting the wizard's time. Yeah, honestly, even if God was real, he'd be like, I don't give a fuck about your city council meeting. Boston, fuck you. This is why he doesn't talk to us anymore. He's like, you guys started getting my attention for fucking school board meetings. Boston? Fuck you. This is why he doesn't talk to us anymore. He's like, you guys started getting my attention for fucking school board meetings. No.

And finally tonight, I want to end headlines on some genuinely good news and what is hopefully a call to action for some of you. As you may have noticed, Christian lunatics have waged an all-out war on schools and libraries this year. Now, I want to be clear. Christian lunatics have waged an all-out war on schools and libraries this year. Now, I want to be clear, Christian lunatics have always been waging war on schools and libraries,

but this year they've just been notably succeeding. So using a combination of right-wing money and a political base that's, I mean, let's be honest, just more willing to do stuff than us, the right has taken over school boards and library boards all over the country and has done crazy stuff like banning books, putting laws in place that persecute trans people and just, you know, just generally sucking. Well, this month, a group of teenagers from Florida decided enough was enough and ousted two anti LGBTQ idiots from their local school board. Yeah. Maybe we have this wrong, right? Like maybe what we needed all along was a maximum voting age. Right.

Because if you can't make up, you can't explain it to a fucking kid. You don't understand it anyway. And also there's this aspect of like you old fuckers aren't going to live long enough to see the consequences of all the dumb shit you just voted for. Right. Sit down. If you were alive to want to fuck diane feinstein you don't get to vote anymore i'm sorry i don't make the rules i don't make the

rules yeah so the teen badasses in question elisa vidal cameron triggers and student activist jack patotes who listeners watch remember for doing a bunch of awesome stuff like this organized a campaign called Recall Flagler County School Board to replace Jill Wolbright and Janet McDonald for, among other things, asking the police to investigate school libraries for offering an LGBTQ themed book. So what would they investigate? The card catalog? All right. So how did these scenes do it do it well social media dedication and good old-fashioned american gumption in spite of facing high money donors from governor desantis's campaign the teens

reached tens of thousands of their fellow voters on social media and they personally knocked on over 5 000 doors to educate and inform their fellow electorate wow yeah i mean keep in mind that these fat cat donors only donate money because they can do that without it making any sacrifice in their lives. Right? At a certain point, that's the difference between aerobics and paying someone else to vigorously move your arms and legs around.

Yeah, exactly. Having the majority still matters here. Yeah, and for those of you who are thinking, oh man, that worked for them, but I bet they live in some liberal part of Florida. Surprise, surprise. Not the case. No. Yeah. Donald Trump carried their county by more than 20 percent in both 2016 and 2020. The fact of the matter is most Trump voters don't actually want his policies or his politics. They want their side to win and your side to lose.

Yep. Right. The minute there's a human face on that side, they could be reasoned with or at the very least, they could be beaten by those who might otherwise have sat this one out. Yeah. Yeah. Not only do they not care about their politicians' policies, they don't even know their politicians' policies.

They just know win, lose. Yeah. Exactly. So, again, I know politically this country is a nightmare right now. policies they don't even know their politicians policies they just know win lose yeah exactly so again i know politically this country is a nightmare right now i like many of you genuinely don't know how to exist in a country alongside people who at least it seems would happily restart the holocaust if it meant the flags on the outside of the camps were their preferred color but people are reachable one by one person by person by person, minds can be changed,

and elections can be won. And that should give us at least a little hope. And since Eli reminding you that your vote matters has become the fat lady singing of our headline segments, I suppose we could wrap things up there. Eli, thanks as always. Keith Mongey. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here,

and Anna Bosnick will be here to keep him in line. So did you even end up going? To his art show after the way he behaved? Of course not. Oh, you know that's only going to make it worse. Yeah. I mean, you're right, Don. But honestly, at this point, I'm just done with him, you know?

That's fair. Hey, guys. What are you talking about? Our friend, Trince. Yeah, he's a skunk that lives in our backyard. Eli skipped his art show because they're fighting.

You know what? I'm sorry I asked. Never mind. Are you guys ready to do Bible Peace Theater? Oh, the part of the show where we act out the books of the Bible

so listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. And Anna's here to do a song at the end where we act out the books of the Bible so listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. And Anna's here to do a song at the end? Yeah. And the lady voices. What? I usually get to do the lady voices.

I know, I know you do, Don, but we're shorthanded this week. She's not even good at lady voices. How can I be bad at lady voice? I'm a lady with a voice. Lady voice. No, no, Don's got a point. So where were we? The Book of Esther.

Nice. This is the story of Purim. What's Purim? It's not an act. It's like Jewish Halloween. We dance and eat cookies. And my favorite part, you have to get drunk. It's in the rules.

And I'll put you on the board. It's fine. Yeah, so it all starts with this King Ahasuerus who, to celebrate his third year of being king, commands his wife to entertain his guests in a very special way. My Queen Vashti,

it is my command that you show everyone your beauty. Come to dinner wearing only your royal crown. Never! What the hell, Don? It's what happens in the Bible, Eli.

If you read ahead, you'd know that. Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. I'm switching it back. Don, you're doing the lady voice for this one. I don't want anyone picturing Anna naked. It's icky. Oh, oh, oh, but they can picture me naked? Is that cool? Don, if you read the fan fiction,

you'd know people are already picturing you naked, man. Wait, who wrote that? Heath. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that tracks. My Queen Vashti, it is my command that you show everyone your beauty. Come to dinner wearing only your royal crown. Never!

See, this is much funnier. I like this. Wise men, come before me. Come before... Is this part of the party, too? No, I just mean come here. Oh, okay, good. Got it. Yeah, come before me. Come before... Is this part of the party, too? No, I just mean come here. Oh, okay, good. Got it.

Yeah, I'm here. So, what do I do about Vashti? I told her to show up naked to the party, and she, like, didn't. Ugh, women, am I right? Totally. Yep. Well, you have no choice. If you keep her around, all the women are going to get uppity.

They will? Mm-hmm. Yep, they will. Next thing you know, they'll be yelling at you for not remembering which side of the house you parked the car on. Really? Because it seems like the side of the house you parked the car on would be really easy to remember. Well, maybe they should repark the car themselves if it's so easy, then. Oh, let me check the calendar. Oh, what's this? It looks like they did that for the last two weeks in a row, and they managed to remember the incredibly complicated concept of left and right. Okay, guys, guys. Right, right.

Anyways, banish her and get a new queen. Okay, got it. Literally, just look at the street sign. You look at the street sign. You look at the street sign. So the king sends out his advisors to gather all the beautiful virgins, and one of those advisors is Mordecai. Esther! Esther!

Yes, Uncle Mordecai? The king is on a lookout for a new wife for all the fair virgins in the kingdom. You should audition. To be someone's wife? Seriously? How desperate do you think I am? I mean, you're a woman during the Bronze Age? You know what? You know what? That's fair. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll do it. Atta girl! So Esther goes to the palace where she engages in an intense training regime

of being rubbed with oil for six months and then perfume for another six. That feels a little extreme. Well, but keep in mind, bathing wasn't huge back then. So anyway, then each of them went into the king for one night. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we doing that part? I mean, it's in the Bible. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don Scooch, we're changing again. Now I'm Esther now. I'm Esther. We don't actually need to switch chairs. We're on microphones. Yes, we do. Okay, fine. Fine.

Fine. This chair isn't as comfy. Well, that's because you threw mine in the garbage, remember? Oh, yeah. I do remember that. Got him. Well, your highness, what do you think? Oh, come on. I'm better at lady voice than that.

Eh. Seriously? Yes. You were the best at the extremely perfumed and oily sex. So, uh, you're the queen now. Queen Esther. Hooray! Side note, I don't hate this roleplay. Um, uh, you're the queen now. Queen Esther. Hooray! Side note, I don't hate this roleplay.

Um, we'll talk off-air, okay? Ugh, gross. It's threw up in my mouth. You're not in shame, Muscon! So Mordecai goes to see Esther with a word of warning. My niece! Yes, Uncle Mordecai? Oh, first of all,

congrats on the queen thing. You tried that thing I told you about? With the knuckle? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. Oh, and the girl. Anyway, I wanted to warn you. Make sure you don't tell anyone you're Jewish.

Won't they notice when I don't do mouth stuff? That's a risk we're gonna have to take. So that night, Mordecai is at the king's gate and he overhears two of the king's servants. So remember the plan. We grab the king and then we murder him.

Yeah, man, I remember. Why would you remind me of that plan? I don't know. The plot. Oh, man. Those guys are up to no good. I should tell Esther so she can tell the king. And so, yeah, those guys are going to try to kill you.

All right. Well, I'll have to go hang those guys. Hey, good looking out. Hey, if anyone ever tries to kill you, you just let me know, okay? I owe you one. Why would that possibly come up? Oh, I don't know the fucking plot. Alright, everyone.

Sorry about all that unpleasantness with those guys trying to murder me or whatever. I just want to introduce everybody to Heyman. He's my, uh, new head vizier guy. Hey, Raymond. Hi.

I'm sorry, Mordecai, is it? Oh, yeah. Hi. I can't help but notice that you didn't bow just now during my intro. Oh. Oh, yes. Very sorry about that. I'm a Jew, and we're not allowed to bow before anyone but God.

Got it. Totally understand. Jew. That's J-E-W. Uh, yeah. Um, why are you writing that down? No reason. No reason. Your Highness. Yes, Haman? Crazy thought. Got out of the blue. No particular reason. But how would you feel about killing all of the Jews? Who are the Jews?

Oh, they're a tribe around here that impures a stupid bowing policy. Oh, I don't know, Haman. Killing all the Jews seems expensive. Expensive? Okay. I did not think that was going to Killing all the Jews seems expensive. Expensive? Okay. I did not think that was going to be your objection. Good to know. But hey, how about this?

I'll cover the price. Huh? Oh, wow. Well, then yeah, by all means, kill the Jews. So Haman sends a letter all across the kingdom assigning the day when everybody is supposed to kill all the Jews, and he builds a giant gallows to hang them on. No. Uncle Mordechai, Uncle Mordechai, what's the matter?

Oh, Esther, it's terrible. The evil Haman has decided to kill all the Jews. Oh, that is bad. Maybe you talk to the king and see if he'll do something? I would, but he's got this new rule where you can only talk to him while you're

holding a golden scepter. A golden scepter, really? Yeah, it's like a speaking stick thing. I'll give it a shot anyways, though. You will? What about the scepter thing? Eh, if I die, I die. Oh, man, you really are Jewish.

So that night, the king holds a dinner party. My king! Ah, ah, ah, ah. Sorry. Oh, hello there, Esther. Did you have something to say? Here, have a golden scepter. Thank you, my king.

I will give you up to half my kingdom. Okay, specific. Mm-hmm. Thank you. You know, I was wondering if you could bring Haman to dinner tomorrow night. Oh, sure, sure. No problem. Great. So, do I give you the scepter back now, or is this...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it for the next person who wants to talk. Okay. You don't have the scepter anymore. All right. Got it. Well, hey, husband Haman. Where are you headed all dapper? I got invited to dinner with the king tonight. Ooh, fancy.

Yeah, because apparently his wife asked for me personally. Oh, she's the Jewish one, right? Ugh, don't even get me started. Speaking of which, you know who I saw by the city gate today? Who? Mordecai. And you know what he didn't do? Hmm. Bow? Bow! I mean,

what is with this dude? I am so glad I'm killing him. Oh, me too. Oh my god, I just had the best idea. Oh really? What's that? When you kill him, you should make like a 50-foot gallows to do it on.

Um, I mean, I already took on the costs of this genocide, so yeah, probably if I, uh... You hate it. No, I don't, I don't, I don't hate it. I just, I want to keep the costs down. And that's why you hate it. You know what, you know what? Fine. Fine. I will make a 50-foot gallows.

Well, now you're only doing it because you're mad. Oh, my fucking God. That was a good party. Yeah, super fun. I can't sleep. Is it because you had coffee after two? No. I told you. No, it's you had coffee after two? No. I told you.

No, it's not that. It's something else. Totally because you had coffee after two. I told you you can't have coffee. Just read to me from the Book of Chronicles. Fine, fine, fine. Once upon a time, Mordecai told me people were going to kill you. And then I told you, and you killed them, and I don't know, everyone had a nice lunch.

Nice. I like that story. I know you do. Hey, did I ever do anything nice for Mordecai to thank him? I don't think so, no. I'll figure out something nice tomorrow. Now read me another one. Do you want me to read you the one about you having sex with a bunch of girls and then choosing me again? Yeah, that one. You wanted to see me, sire?

Yes, Haman. Let's say I wanted to reward a particularly loyal subject. What would you suggest? Oh, do I know this subject? Yeah. You know him very well. Oh, wow. Well, I guess, you know, if it was me,

I would put him on your horse. Oh, put him on my horse? And let him wear your clothes. Let him wear my clothes? And even your crown, so that everyone would have to bow to him when he went around the city. And I mean everyone. All right.

Well, if you think so. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Go and do all that stuff for Mordecai. And then we'll celebrate again tomorrow at dinner. What? Mordecai! Or the kite! Steve, do you mind not practicing your trombone right now? The king and I are talking.

I'm practicing! So the next day, the king throws another feast with everybody in attendance. My lover not eating your food, yadda yadda yadda, half my kingdom, what's the matter? Okay, so this is going to sound crazy, but do you remember telling me that if anyone was ever going to try to kill me, that you owed me? I do remember that, yes. Well, it turns out, someone's trying to kill me. They are? Where are they? Right there. It's Haman.

No, I'm sorry. Mouthful. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. You're killing all the Jews, and I'm a Jew. Therefore, you're trying to kill me. You're Jewish. Yeah. Explains the no-mouth stuff.

Anyway, yeah. Let's kill Haman. Mordecai! Oh, seriously, Steve? Lord of Cain! Oh, seriously, Steve? This is what I was practicing for! So they hang Haman from his own gallows, and the king gives Esther permission to kill everybody who plotted against the Jews and take all their stuff. So they kill like 75,000 people and their families and take all of their property.

Wait, wait, what? I don't remember that being the end of the story. Yeah, we tend to play down that last bit. Yeah, no, understandable. All right, so that's the book Astro. What did we learn? Well, I mean, it's the story of Purim. So, Anna, do you think you could reach into the spirit of your people

and pull out an Irish drinking song for us? Actually, I'm American and my family's Swedish, but I could. You're going to do the Bridget voice, aren't you? She's totally going to do the Bridget voice. The King tossed out Queen Vashti and went searching all around Went splurging on some virgins and now Esther has the crown But before you nosh your homing tosh and goyim, please admit

The Jews so far were treated kinda shet First the King kills homing on Esther's good advice Gosh, and Goyim, please admit, the Jews so far were treated kinda shit. First the king kills Haman on Esther's good advice, then kills all ten of Haman's sons, not only once or twice. They stabbed them through, then hung them too, then sent their armies out, cause fuck you bitches, it's our time,

is what this book's about. Don't hatch a plan for vengeance, don't spread a web of lies, against the Esthers, Moises, Rachel's, Hines and Mordecais. History has got it in for anyone who tries. Anyone who tries to kill the Jewish people dies. There's the Russians and their pogroms, the Polacks and their coups. It seems that everybody takes a crack at killing Jews. So heed this tuneful warning, it won't get you very far.

If you doubt me, just go ask your local czar. Oh, the hats and skirts and yarmulkes are silly, there's no doubt. But when the battle's done, you'll see the Jews are still about. From Al-Qaeda to the Third Reich, I foresee a mighty fall. And your anti-Jewish plans are splattered on the bunker wall. Don't hatch a plan for vengeance. Don't spread a web of lies. Against the Esthers, Moises, Rachel's, Chimes and Mordecais.

History has got it in for anyone who tries Anyone who tries to kill the Jewish people dies Don't be jealous of their kugelgo And take a trip to Google And explore the places you'll end up If your local Jew will get a lawyer And then say it's time to make the goyim pay Let's give them all the natto cabris

And then hang them from our payers I am talking about their foreskins Cause if you hatch that plan for vengeance Or spread that web of lies Against the Esthers, Rachels, Moises, Hames and Mordecais They'll instantly start plotting your eventual demise. Cause everyone who tries to kill the Jewish people dies. Thank you, Anna. Amazing job yet again.

And now it's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that shows up like half an hour late for work and is all shit-faced. Oh, this part of the show is heath our first message comes from brutal i'm way more shit-faced when i come to work than heath is okay that's fair i don't know i don't consider high as shit-faced okay all right interesting all right our first message comes from brendan who took issue with noah's diatribe last week. Brendan writes, quote, Sorry to well actually a good point, but I remember this from when it went around in 86. And back then it was hard to fact check if Chernobyl actually does mean Wormwood.

Anyway, this seems to back up what I could find out from encyclopedias back then. And then he links to a website backing him up. He continues, even that translation is a stretch it seems it actually is mugwort end quote and i just want to say fuck you brendan no no not not yet no i love you brendan so yeah so my bad i actually several people wrote in to correct me on this one i did a whole diatribe about what a stupid claim this was, and I didn't dig deep enough to discover that even the premise was bullshit. But no, Chernobyl doesn't actually mean Wormwood.

I came across that factoid in a secular source. It was David Remnick's Tomb of Lenin. And I double-checked it online, but online sources as well as secular ones could be perverted by the apocalyptic conspiracies of Christian zealots, obviously, as evidenced by the fact that last week's diatribe is a secular online source.

And in my defense, this is apparently a pretty easy mistake to make. The fucking memorial for the victims that sits outside of the disaster area makes it. There's this gorgeous statue of the third angel blowing their trumpet on the way into the list of names with a placard that references the biblical message. Yeah, to be fair, it could also just be about the importance of warning sirens. No, that would actually make a lot of sense too. But technically, Chernobyl means mugwort, not wormwood. And those are different things, apparently.

They're similar enough that I found multiple articles that people had written trying to clarify that those aren't synonyms, but they're not. Mugwort is Artemisia vulgaris and Wormwood is Artemisia absinthum. They're closely related and you really need to know your shit to distinguish them. But I was still wrong. So apologies for passing that along uncritically or insufficiently critically. I like how we all have different standards. We hold ourselves to is you're you're like, yeah, it's the same family, but it's not the same like genus or whatever and i'm like charlie's the wrong killed her dad prove me

wrong it's good we're all doing different stuff here on the podcast and also by a quick thanks to all the listeners that wrote in to straighten me out on that the last thing we want to do is lend credence to christian disinformation about the accuracy of biblical prophecy oh actually that's the second to the last thing we want to do. That brings us to our next bit of feedback. We got this bit of turfy bullshit from a patron who I'll do the favor of not naming. That's weird, Noah, because shockingly,

they chose to write this anonymously. Oh, weird. So here's the feedback. As atheists and feminists as well, I am surprised by your enthusiasm for a new religion. The TQ plus is in conflict with both LGB and women. E.g. the recent trans attack in Port Townsend, Washington. Pin in that.

Please reconsider your certainty in light of new evidence. Cheers, fan and patron since New york city so goddamn much wrong there just so much it it makes you sad as a podcaster to know that somebody could listen to you for years and years and still have such a low opinion of your intellect that they think that this lazy ass bigotry is going to move the needle for us yeah by the way that trans attack in port townsend which fun fact anna's hometown is that an old lady freaked out that a trans woman was in the YMCA locker room and then they banned her for life. Yes. So by attack, this guy means existing.

Right. He's existing. Yeah. And look, this is hardly the worst thing about the fucking comment, but that this whole such and such is just a new religion and you're an atheist. That is so fucking lazy. You don't even make an argument to put those together. You just throw out a fucking scare word. Hey, man, posting transphobic bullshit on our Patreon page is a new religion and you're supposed to be an atheist. See, I did it, too.

Now we're fucking tied. Well, I mean, Noah, to be fair, one of us is based in science and the other is being manipulated by pseudoscientific fiction to make ourselves feel better about our dark inside thoughts. So I guess if we're doing the who's more religious context from this post, you're winning. Yeah. Or losing. It's hard to tell what this person wants. No, definitely losing. and look i don't know for sure that this comment came from a cishet white guy but the way he so blithely speaks on behalf of feminism lesbians gays and bisexuals i'm guessing that they are

that being said following what group x says to do regardless of its moral value sure is a hell of a lot more like a religion than accepting that people know more about their own fucking gender than i do yeah and look look dude little moment just between us just in case you're really a listener i get it hot trans women don't want to fuck me either but i deal with that disappointment in a healthy way by signing up for their only fans okay there you go it's gonna be okay you could do this and finally we have some tragic feedback tragic feedback about jason raypert and she's as you'll recall last week we talked about jason raypert settling in a lawsuit american atheist brought against him and we reported that one of the conditions of the

settlement was that he had to provide a written explanation every time he blocked somebody from social media. And we pointed out, and by we, I mean me, pointed out that if enough people just replied the word cheese or a cheese emoji to every single thing he ever posted on social media, he'd have to spend a lot of the rest of his tenure writing really weird explanations. And let me just say of the response,

if it was the only thing our show ever accomplished, it would have been worth all the effort. Absolutely. Well, that led to two pieces of feedback. One was sad. The other was amazing. The sad one came from blood trader Jeff Blackwell, the American atheist lawyer who was the actual litigator in the case.

So what does he know? Yeah, I know. Right. I will look at the documents myself. No, I won't. It turns out that he doesn't have to file official explanations for everyone he blocks, just the plaintiffs in the case, which is sad. Also, if you are one of the plaintiffs in the case, you absolutely have to do that. But, but, it's more

than made up for by this incredible comment from someone replying to truly a mile long string of cheese comments on some of his Jesus scribble. Noah won't let me name the commenters, but the commenter commenter one

says, quote, God's got your back. And for the other people, they're lost. You could tell they like to eat cheese or they're selling cheese. They sure be displaying a lot of cheese. So the Democratic cities must be full of cheese. And then another commenter adds. What is the other commenter? Amen.

I pray for these cheese people. Oh, that's my favorite feedback. If you'd like to get your Amen, I pray for these cheese people t-shirt, by the way, just make sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out of this episode. It's my favorite thing that ever happened. Absolutely.

Angelo, get on that. Get on that. And that's all the feedback you get if you want more keep sending those emails tweets and facebook messages or keep commenting cheese on jason rayburn's post i know he doesn't legally have to do the thing but you should still do that you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com before we flip around the open sign tonight i I want to assure you that Heath is on vacation, not taking time off for another penis reattachment surgery. He's just taking normal time off.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would get sent back to the kitchen if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being with us in spirit. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for being

with us in body. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for being with us in mind. I need to thank Don for lending us his talents this week. I need to thank Anna for one-upping those talents again. Don't let her hurt your feelings, Don. She does that to Eli Heath and me all the fucking time. I also want to thank Sarah the chemist for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. She didn't have anything

to promote, so she asked me to use this spot to remind her fellow Virginians to vote in the midterms, yes, but also in the state elections in 2023. Only thing keeping abortion legal in that state is democratic control of the state Senate, and that's not much, folks. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most delightful diploids, Brandon Chase, Starshark,

Thomas, Greg, Violet, Mountie of Madness, Aaron, Nick, Austin, Sage, Spinoza, Godzilla, Susanna, Greg, and Airman Google. Brandon Chase, Starshark, and Thomas, who are so smooth Joe Campbell sued him for infringement. Greg, Violet, Mountie, Aaron, and Nick were so hot they don't have to light the bowl to smoke it. And Austin, Sage, Spinoza,

Godzilla, Susanna, Greg, and Airman, who are so bright I had to put on sunglasses to read their names. Together, these 15 sea animals, philosophical concepts, and Austin, Sage, Spinoza, Godzilla, Susanna, Greg, and Airman, who are so bright I had to put on sunglasses to read their names. Together, these 15 sea animals, philosophical concepts, and whatever Airman Google is, aided our atheist aims this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com

slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingAtheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your spouse checks your bank accounts for atheist shit, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, following at P-I-A-T pod on Twitter, and getting a better spouse.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, Handler of Social Media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark. We'll also read all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the content tomorrow on the content page at skatingads.com. Alright. How's your It's Thursday?

Oh my god, this is me! I just assumed it was going to be you. Oh, God. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Here we go. You gave him a lot of shit for it. I know.

I know. Got to get it on the first try. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.