The Scathing Atheist - 503: Dead End Job Edition

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

In this week’s episode, Southern Baptists are dismayed to hear about the existence of Jews, Marjorie Taylor Greene is gonna be on Christian Mingle soon and all ideas are welcome, and Biblepiece Theater will pull out all the stops for the Bible’s oldest book. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Bryce here: https://glassboxpodcast.libsyn.com/ Learn more about the QED conference here: https://qedcon.org/ --- Headlines: Southern Baptist leader shocked by Americans’ ‘pride’ in not being Christian: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/southern-baptist-leader-shocked-by-americans-non-religious-pride-christian/ Evangelicals who get COVID info at church are “less likely to be vaccinated”: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/evangelicals-who-get-covid-info-at-church-are-less-likely-to-be-vaccinated/ Marjorie Taylor Greene in tantric sex divorce drama: https://torontosun.com/news/world/marjorie-taylor-greene-in-tantric-sex-divorce-drama https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2022/09/29/marjorie-taylor-greene-husband-files-divorce/10459286002/ In stunning reversal, TX judge can continue his coercive courtroom prayers: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/texas-judge-wayne-mack-coercive-courtroom-prayers/ K-Sorbs pretty sure he’s a “pedophile terrorist” role away from an Oscar: https://www.avclub.com/kevin-sorbo-hercules-christian-conservative-1849591197

Warning, the following podcast contains F's followed by U's. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, and by the new video sharing site for papists, CatholicTalk. CatholicTalk, because Catholicism can only seem sane in very short doses. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, my name is Chad, aka ArchRadish from TikTok, and I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian homeschooling cult. So I got my real education when I left home and learned that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey people. But hey, I still learned it. it's thursday it's october 6th and it's Bring Your Bible to School Day. Right, which makes it unofficially Bring Your Pee Balloons to School Day for atheist kids if they want.

I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Derek Jeter's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Southern Baptists are dismayed to hear about the existence of Jews. episode. Southern Baptists are dismayed to hear about the existence of Jews. Marjorie Taylor Greene is going to be on Christian Mingle soon,

and all ideas are welcome. And Bible Peace Theater will pull out all the stops for the Bible's oldest book. But first, the diatribe. All right, so word of warning leading into this one. This diatribe is going to include gratuitous references to sports. It's not about sports. It doesn't require any prior knowledge of any sport,

but it does acknowledge the existence of sports repeatedly. And based on my inbox, that's a bridge too far for some of you. So if that's the case for you personally, you're going to want to skip ahead like five minutes or so, maybe make some internally clever comment about sports ball and move on to the headlines. Okay.

So anyway, as many of you know, I'm a fan of the comically terrible nfl team in jacksonville and it's not like an ironic thing or a rooting for the underdog defaults that i have or whatever i'm just i'm genuinely a fan of the team and have been so long that i can remember a time when they were good and for those of you who aren't familiar with american football i should explain that that was a long fucking time ago. They were the worst team in the league last year and the year before that.

They have won four games in the last two seasons combined. Okay, to be fair, none of that is relevant to the diatribe. When you start off with the premise, I'm a Jaguars fan, you kind of have to explain it or the NFL fans will have questions. Anyway, so last Sunday, I'm watching them play the Eagles, and they're actually looking really good. By the end of the first quarter, they're up 14-0 against the only undefeated team in the league. And then they reminded their fans that they are, in fact, still the Jaguars. So their quarterback went on to turn the ball over five times,

and they lose the game by eight points. But I didn't get to see all the sucky parts because I had to work. We were recording a get-ahead of God Awful Movies episode that afternoon, and the only time we could do it was right in the middle of that game. So I left with my team up 14-0, and then I watched them fall apart

via increasingly distressing score updates on my phone. Now, you might be tempted to think that a guy who's rooted for the laughing stock of the NFL for 20-some- some odd years is used to that kind of thing, but not so much, right? The Jaguars, generally speaking, don't have leads to blow. They're not a get your hopes up team and disappoint you. That's the Lions. They're more of a we always sucked, so why would you bother hoping team? So in order to calibrate my mood as they were losing this game, I had to go all the way back

to when they were good and that means with the exception of a weird ass blip in the 2017 2018 season going back to the turn of the goddamn century and man let me tell you more than anything remembering what it was like to watch a jags game in 1999 forced me to remember how much different it was to watch football back when I was a woo-infused, superstitious, conspiracy theorist idiot. See, back then, I subscribed. Jesus, this is so embarrassing to admit. I subscribed to that poorly thought out, postmodernist, pseudo-solipsistic idea that things are as real as you believe them to be, right? Like if you believe in magic enough,

it becomes real in your own experience. And yes, there are a billion ways to poke century-sized holes in that worldview, but it was the only one that you could shove all the woo beliefs of your friends into without offending anybody in the drum circle. So it's what I had. And because of the profound arrogance that undergirds that philosophy, I also had to believe that Jaguars game was, to some extent, my own mental construct. Therefore, if they lost, it was because I did something wrong. crafting a coherent explanation of that worldview than I ever put into the worldview itself. Okay. Or at least than I ever did until I started talking myself out of it. If you'd asked me at the time, I'm sure I would have offered you contradictory platitudes that sound really wise when you're on mushrooms and nothing else,

or maybe a bong hit. But the key to holding such an absurd perspective, though, is to never put a whole lot of mental energy into defining it but the end result is the same i still felt like my fucking psychic energy for lack of a better term affected the outcome of the game of course if this was just some weird idiosyncrasy i wouldn't bother writing a whole diatribe about it but there are a lot of lucky socks in this world right a lot of us had and some of us no doubt still have a plethora of superstitions

and nothing brings them out quite like a sporting event. Fertile ground. It's a situation you have absolutely no control over and yet you still have an emotional investment in the outcome. That makes it a perfect place to grow bullshit. I'd love to say that I always

knew my bullshit was bullshit but when i look back on it i really did feel in my heart of hearts that the jaguars played better when i was watching them play and therefore i had to watch them play right especially i had to watch and play fuck do i wish i could slap young me i had to watch and play wearing my lucky jaguars baseball cap. And here's the thing that you might not understand if you were never an idiot

or a sports fan. Feel free to make your own joke about how those things are synonymous. This shit leads to genuine anxiety. Like, I stressed the fuck out about games I had no control over back then. I had to work during the most important game

in Jaguars history, the 1999 season AFC championship game against the Titans, obviously. And for years, I thought my failure to secure a day off cost us our shot at the Super Bowl. But now, from the perspective of a rationalist, I know it was really just the referee's inability to properly call an illegal forward lateral in the divisional round. All right, sorry, one joke that requires football knowledge. I'm done. I'm done. But honestly, the whole time I was watching those score updates ding their way into my phone, I couldn't help but reflect on the pit that wasn't in my stomach. And sure, maybe some of that is just being calloused by decades of rooting for a bottom-tier team,

but a lot of it is the fact that i'm no longer shackled by superstition i'm no longer tied to the arrogant stupidity of neopaganism and honestly i'd list the lack of superstitious anxiety as the number one benefit of rationalism if it wasn't the fact that i also used to genuinely fear alien abduction fuck this diatribe started with an admission that I'm a Jaguars fan and just got more embarrassing from there. That's actually kind of impressive.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight on the main course and dessert to my appetizer, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to dig in? Okay, this is a perfect entree into the show.

He's right. I do always tell you I'm your biggest flan. Oh, so that's great, Eli. You're really putting your best effort into that. Putting? Nice. In our lead story tonight, according to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, the current trend away from religion will lead to non-religious people making up about half the population of the United States by 2070. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. That's right. Christians might be a slight minority in half a century and they are freaking out. They sure are. And one of those freak outs happened over the weekend.

So we got a headline that reads Southern Baptist leader shocked by Americans pride in not being Christian. That leader is Ronnie Floyd, a former executive with the Southern Baptist Convention. And he is shocked. Shocked, I say. Yeah. So we've we've suffered a lot of setbacks in recent years atheists but just keep in mind that like the reason they're leaving still wonders why they're leaving so that's a positive yeah also he knows that a headline that could translate to i'm

appalled at how jewish everyone is being doesn't make him look great right it's not a great aware of that so the remarks from ronnie floyd happened during an interview with tony perkins he's the president of the family research council a literal hate group which makes the two men colleagues with very similar bullet points on their resume mostly from their leadership experience in the bigot sector yep and that all bears repeating that's a very accurate description of their jobs like individual churches you know sometimes they're doing a few good things like just taking in isolation only but leaders of groups like family research council and the southern baptist convention are very literally just sculpting their exact brand of bigotry for the whole corporation.

That's their job. Like, here's the new policy on how we're hating gay people in fiscal quarter four. Make sure everybody gets the memo. That's literally the job. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and everything else churches do is done better by some secular equivalent. Right.

It says a ton about religion's real purpose that that is the function that they have to themselves and no other. Yeah. Bad at their nothing is a hell of accomplishment yeah so perkins mentioned the pew survey and the response from ronnie floyd was an extra aggressive timeshare pitch for god like basically he said you know people are trending toward reality so So if you think about it, today is the perfect moment to do more God stuff. Act now. Here's the exact words from Roflo. Quote, we are seeing this move toward complete secularism, a vacancy of God in our midst. But I never, and he boxed himself in with the word never, and he tried to get out. Never has there been a greater moment to be able to really pursue deeply the next great spiritual awakening in the united states it is obvious that god alone is our answer and we must come to him and uh no mention of maybe getting a more enlightened worldview and not being the don

draper for a bigotry brand yeah so i'm sorry what is the therefore there right get in now while the lines are so short so much space in the pews really you're really your choice of seating also imagine believing that your shitty politics and uncomfortable benches are driving ever more people into the arms of satan to burn forever in the lake of fire and then thinking the problem was not you and your auntie satan club confused person so my favorite part came a bit later when ronnie floyd really started thinking about the terrifying idea of becoming a minority and he just went off on a panicky despondent rant he's so sad he said you know what really bothers me black people it was

the blatant commitment to declaring yourself a nun a religious nun someone who has no faith whatsoever at all i think we lived in an america i thought this is america he actually does that i think we lived in an america that whether or not that was a reality in a person's heart many times they would not say it today there is a freedom to say it and even a pride in saying it wow so what really disappoints him is christianity's failure to shame a minority into silence i can't imagine why you guys are losing the culture i'm sorry what do you mean you're not at all racist are you hearing yourself right now crazy talk yeah so just to recap according to ronnie floyd you're supposed to lie about it when you do science stinky stuffinky stuff. We all agreed we're going to lie when stuff is conflicted with our thing, with reality and our thing.

I thought this was America. Are we not in America? Yeah. Love it. He's just so panicked by the end of it. And just a reminder, these people are allowed to vote. People like Ronnie Floyd and his flock are allowed to vote. Also, just off the top of nothing, there's an election on November 8th.

It's coming right up. You can vote by mail right now with no special excuse needed in the vast majority of states i already did it i voted it was great it was free yeah so easy not mine yeah probably not yeah no georgia as an example we have 16 minutes of early voting here in georgia get your fourth id ready buddy and in co-videocracy news a new study from researchers at virginia commonwealth university found that evangelicals who spoke with their pastors rather than health care professionals when it came to covid were less likely to get vaccinated giving us more scientifically mathematically demonstrable proof that religion poisons literally everything it touches yeah and four out of five dentists recommend eating the body

of a jewish ghost what that's why it's a weird study i feel like we knew that i get what they're going for but like we knew that right no i'll do them one better people who went to their pastors rather than x when it came to y were less likely to understand why that's axia fucking matic so it's worth pointing out that like this isn't new information right as friend of the show hemant meta over at the friendly atheist blog points out we already had studies citing that churchgoers are less likely to get the shot that churchgoers with the exception of black churches were less likely to hear encouragement to get the shot that church goers, with the exception of black churches were less likely to hear encouragement to get the shot.

But this is the first study we have on religious leaders, actively dissuading people from getting the shot. And that's worth noting because, you know, generally a society doesn't want any professions that actively engage in medical misinformation. Yeah, right.

No, fuck it. We get YouTube strikes for sarcastically doing that to expose these assholes. One last thing about this study. The authors also pointed out that the people whose religious leader encouraged them to get the vaccine were way more likely to get it, right? People trust their pastors. Many trust their pastors more than their doctors, who they rarely, if ever, see.

And while there are plenty of pastors, you know, clutching their pearls these days at the state of American Christianity, way too few are actively promising to do anything about it. So I guess what I'm saying is next time your aunt's groovy pastor explains that they're not that kind of Christian, ask him if he actively encouraged his congregation to get the vaccine from the pulpit and then sit back and enjoy the awkward awkward silence yeah hey um religion you guys mind using your fucking stockholm syndrome powers to help maybe just this one time on this one thing a pandemic that'd be great. Next up in headlines, Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband filed for divorce last week. Hey, hey.

And MTG, Eli, take it seriously. She'd really appreciate our tactful understanding and a bit of solemn privacy during this difficult time for her and her family. And no, no, you're a goddamn monster. And we're going to talk about it. no no you're a goddamn monster and we're gonna talk about it mtg is getting a divorce and therefore we'll stop being a real woman in the near future because that's how it works listen i didn't make the rules you did fuck your face these are your rules i'll tell you what match touch catch we'll treat your breakup with the respect and deference that you treated uh mass shooting victims in the holocaust deal we're actually

going to be way more respectful than that but yeah like even setting aside your politics your pull-up style alone disqualifies you from respect okay remember that video it was so weird weird okay so about those rules that you made christianity made mtg spent her entire career in politics doing that, being an activist for, well, white nationalism and also Christian theocracy. And now we have direct evidence that she's been living a decidedly non-Christian life. No. Yeah. If she was being a good Christian and reading the book of Timothy and being a proper subservient wife, maybe her husband would still love her, but he doesn't.

Again, I don't make the rules. That's just what happened. And speaking of non-Christian lifestyles, according to a very reliable publication, the right-wing British tabloid, The Daily Mail, a major problem in the marriage was MTG's affair with a polyamorous tantric sex guru and also a personal trainer. Oh, man. Honestly, I don't know that I can live in a world where too many people wanted to fuck Marjorie Taylor. Right? This might be my line.

Yeah. Not since the days of Newt Gingrich has a sex scandal caused me to choke back as much vomit. So, in fairness to Madge Tadge Gage, the Daily Mail is a publication that got banned as an acceptable source by wikipedia wikipedia they got banned by a site where you know some dude with a beaker in his garage can be a source about a clinically tested cure for covid now that being said the

daily mail did claim to have some corroborating evidence about those affairs and neither the tantric sex guru nor the personal trainer denied that allegation. When asked for comment, personal trainer Justin Tway said, I have no interest in talking about anything to do with that woman. Everything with her comes to no good. Spoken like a man who said yes to pegging before he Googled it. Or the opposite opposite also confirming the story was a former co-worker of mtg and two other associates and more generally the idea that mtg

started dating some guy and he never climaxed during sex and then he was like no it's cool i'm a tantric sex guru that tracks for me that makes sense but again it's the daily mail and according to madge those affairs never happened she responded to the report by calling it quote ridiculous tabloid garbage spread by an avowed communist what so yeah maybe tabloid garbage but a communist is weird i guess she's referring to the majority owner and chairman of the company, the fourth Viscount Rothermere. The notorious British nobleman

communist billionaire with a media empire. Him, the avowed communist. And apparently he avowed the communism. Yeah, I don't know. That being said, MTG's husband was an avowed life partner. So things change. That's true.

Fuck your face. Be a better Christian next time, man. Yeah. Nobody loves you. It's true. And in judge not lest ye be judged news. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Christians aren't playing by the rules and therefore you shouldn't either.

I think it's well intentioned, but there are still parts of the atheist movement that believe in things like courts and laws. And while I think that's adorable, don't get me wrong, it's important to keep in mind that even those resources are falling away and will be gone for probably another generation or two. And there's no better example of that than the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling two to one in favor of Wayne Mack, a Texas judge who opens each courtroom session with explicitly Christian prayers this week. Yeah. And he looks like Sloth from the Goonies at a job interview. Right.

He really does. Really a lot like that. Yeah. So here's the full story. Wayne Mack is a judge, which which is a terrifying like that. Yeah. So here's the full story. Wayne Mack is a judge, which is a terrifying enough statement. And this is what he does, according to the letter written to him by the Freedom From Religion Foundation earlier this year. Quote, we understand that in August, you opened one of your court sessions with the Christian prayer. We believe that this is a regular practice in your courtroom. A montgomery county resident who had business before you contact us to report that after you entered the courtroom you stated

we are going to say a prayer if any of you are offended by that you can leave into the hallway and your case will not be affected right now he just wants to know which of you to not discriminate against that's all yeah continuing after that announcement we understand that you introduced a pastor who read from the bible for more than five minutes jesus five minutes yeah we need to we need to get like fancy lawyers in there billing this guy for those five minutes at a time exactly yeah the fuck while the pastor was reading, our complainant says, quote, I felt that the judge was watching for reactions from the courtroom, bowed heads, indifference, et cetera. I definitely felt that our cases would be affected by our reactions to the Bible reading, end quote. Our complainant

further says, once the Bible reading was over, we were then asked to bow our heads to pray. I was very uncomfortable and certainly felt that I was being coerced into following this ritual and that the outcome of my case depended upon my body language. End quote. End of statement from FFRF. And can I say, a fucking corset does, right? The idea that it would be perfectly fine to roll your eyes and make the jerk off gesture during the mandatory prayer time and that it wouldn't affect your case in front of

the guy who mandated the prayer is insane yeah the founding fathers wanted us to have the freedom to be a masturbating mime whenever we want. Read the Constitution. Exactly. So despite how incredibly, impossibly stupid the argument that that's not mandatory prayer is, that's what the Fifth Circuit just decided. In a two-to-one decision, the Fifth Circuit ruled that there's no evidence that Mack's mandatory wizard prayers are coercive. And there's no reason to believe that making said jerk-off gesture would affect your case. They said, quote,

the plaintiffs have no evidence suggesting that coercion is a real and substantial likelihood, end quote. Okay, so if there's ever anything I had been willing to go to a Texas jail for, it's proving that decision wrong. Okay, I'm just saying, if ever a person has been qualified to do civil disobedience without the civility, I feel like I'm the guy.

Yep, yep, this is your calling. And yeah, obviously, this decision is insane. Judge Jolly, in his dissent, said, quote, For the majority to find that there is no evidence of coercion suggests, in my opinion, willful blindness and indisputable error. You'd be amazed what you can dispute when you've abdicated honesty, judge. Yeah, all the stuff. And the FFRF released a statement shortly after the decision, pointing out that, quote, FFRF is deeply dismayed by what can only be described as Christian nationalist decision based on a hypocritical rewriting of history.

End quote. No, seriously, guys, the sky is actually falling. Not the invisible sky, though. Just like very visible evil people doing evil. Just look with your fucking eyes. God, love FFRF. This was my job today again. Yeah.

So we don't know what the future of this case is. Honestly, I firmly believe our current supreme court would uphold this decision so it almost seems like a bad idea to take it to a higher court but the point is in the words of democratic presidential candidate before he quit and wandered into the forest tim ryan nobody is coming to save us we're all on our own ohio's tim ryan that's right no but seriously vote for him in the ohio senate race like if you're in ohio Nobody is coming to save us. We're all on our own. Ohio's Tim Ryan. That's right. No, but seriously, vote for him in the Ohio Senate race.

If you're in Ohio, you better do that. He's polling super close with Republican millionaire J.D. Vance, who is horrible. How the fuck? You know what? Never mind. I just remembered I live in Georgia. No stone's thrown. And finally tonight in what if we just let will smith slap you news

christian booby actor and incognizant farnsworth quoter kevin sorbo appeared on a television show like interview last week and explained that the only thing standing between him and an academy award is his unwillingness to take on the role of a quote radical islamic pedophile terrorist end quote what that's yes that's right the actor you remember for half-assing a campy after-school tv show for six seasons 20 years ago screaming stage direction and getting brutally nicknamed by lucy lawless on twitter insists the only thing standing between him and an Oscar is his love and commitment to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In a world with

a radical Islamic pedophile terrorist, Kevin Sorbo is ripped. No, please, please make the movie ripped for radical Islamic pedophile terrorist. We promise to remember you're still a Christian. Do it to own the libs, man. You could own us so hard if you did that guys i've done the math on this right kevin sorbo

charges 80 for a one minute cameo 60 minutes to get it on prime we're talking four thousand eight hundred dollars here guys okay we can make this movie one cameo at a time i would like an oscar so yeah so this revelation came during an appearance on YouTube's very own Just the News, Not Noise, where he was interviewed by sapient potato John Solomon and a woman who would look out of place anywhere but challenging Cara Santa Maria to a fight in a Denny's parking lot Amanda had.

The focus of the discussion, of course, was how sour them grapes in Hollywood probably are anyway and how K-Sorbs wanted to make movies in the cinematic mecca of Oklahoma City anyway. That's where he wanted to be at one point one of the interviewers this is absolutely true asks if liberals are attacking his films because hollywood feels threatened by their production quality liberals with their fancy lights other than the ones that are on in the room. It's also,

it's replete with absurd lies. Like the time that his agent told him they could no longer represent him because he was conservative and Christian. And the time Netflix begged him to help them open an inspirational division. But he said no. But the headline grabber, of course, was the notion that his Christianity was the only thing standing in the way of his Academy Award. It wasn't for Jesus holding me back in this denny's parking lot i beat the

fuck out of hollywood with my thespian superpowers so goddamn is that carisyn yeah i love her so now to be fair the line that grabbed all the headlines was very clearly a joke right he even identified it as a joke in advance because the dull and lifeless eyes of his interlocutors made it clear that that was necessary but the fact that it's a joke doesn't make it any less stupid right because because in order for that to be your joke you have to start with the premise that kevin sorbo's lack of hollywood accolades is based on something other than his lack of talent but But it's also weird that he included pedophile in the list. Sure is. Of course. Right? Because he has played a priest

in movies before. I've seen it. But the joke here relies on equating pedophilia with the acceptance of LGBTQ people and seeing the former as like a humorous exaggeration of the latter. Yeah. Which reflexively also means that he was trying to think of an equally

villainous characteristic to match pedophile and what he thought of was muslim yes right now of course the real motivation for the statement may well have been an effort by sorbo to get us to bring back 30 seconds on the clock so 30 seconds on the clock movies about radical islamic pedophile terrorists for Sorbo to star in. Okay. Extremely loud and incredibly gross. Oh, nice. Call to Mecca by your names.

Zero through 12, dark 30. The come of all years? Yes. How about a little book spin-off? A Little Wife? To Catch a Predator Drone. Under Age 2, Dark Territory. Okay,

how about a TV series? Sharia Law and Order SVU. No, it's like a mash-up. I like it. Oh, I got one. How about The Quran, The Movie? Yeah, that'll do it. Oh, I got one. How about The Quran? The movie. Yeah. Yeah. That'll do it. That's the end of the story. K-Sorbs, please play Mohammed.

Please play Mohammed. I'll pay the pro rate on your cameo. The one that's like $140 instead of $80. Alright, well I guess that went about as well as list of pedophile jokes could reasonably expect it to go. So we're going to close the headlines before it gets any worse, I suppose.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too much. And when we come back, Bryce Blank and AOL will be here despite the way that Eli pronounces his last name. Today's episode is sponsored by Honey, the easy way to save when you're shopping on your iPhone or computer. Right. And so then you go and get a refund. Again, it's just stealing. You're describing stealing again. Hey, guys. What's the fuss? Eli keeps telling me life hacks that are very clearly just stealing and not actually life hacks.

They are life hacks. Besides, Heath, what am I going to do? You know I love a good deal. Well, Eli, if you want a real world life hack that feels too good to be legal, why don't you try Honey? Oh, you mean like drop it and slip on it in a supermarket? Because I have tried that, but they have cameras now. No, silly. Honey is the free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best one it finds to your cart.

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And if you don't already have Honey, you could be straight up missing out. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting this show. I'd never recommend something I don't use. Get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. All right, guys, I appreciate it. But are you sure the old wet willy dumpster dodge isn't legal? Yeah, man. Sure. Well, then I owe a lot of people an apology. Yeah.

Yeah, probably. Hey, podcast listener. You know, every now and then here at the Scathing Atheist, we like to remind you that you can help support the show over at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. There are lots of reasons to help us out on Patreon because you care about atheist activism because the show brings joy to your life. Or maybe you just want extended commercials

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medication's working, but you missed the whole journey. Like, I almost lost a testicle. It was the thing. Yeah, wow. Seems like I really missed out on that. You guys ready for Bible Peace Theater? Oh, you mean the part of the show where we act out the bible so our listeners don't have to read it i sure am hey what are we doing this week anyway hey it's don ford voice of fantasy and adventure what are you doing here man oh eli told me you guys were throwing heath a welcome back party and then he locked me in the deep freezer oof for how long uh I'm not sure. What day is it? It's not important. Anyway, so we're doing Job this week.

Two things. One, I think we kind of have to go back to Trump's voice for God for this one. Agreed. Yeah, it almost dies itself. And two, we need a Job. Right? Of course. It's got to be somebody super likable, right?

Yeah, someone who just sort of generally an all-around good guy. Yeah, but Eli can't like him, you know, for like motivation reasons because he plays God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I am a fickle performer and my needs are many. I think it's pretty obvious who should do this. Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. I think we're on the same page, Noah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bryce! Thanks so much for agreeing to do this. Happy to help. That's you. That's what you sound like, Bryce. Don, right? Honestly, it's nice to know that it's not just me. Yeah.

You can't take it personal. Are you locking in the freezer yet? Oh, yeah. Let me tell you about that one. It's a classic. Secret is I just started wearing a coat on under my clothes all the time. Oh, under the clothes. Oh, that is smart.

Anyway, so Job lives in Uz. He's the perfect guy who feared God and avoided evil. He had seven sons, three daughters, and a shit ton of cows and sheep and shit. Oh, boy, I am a lucky fellow. But I thank God for what I have and I ask no more. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God gets a visit from Satan. All right, let's see here. Ooh, classified angel documents.

There they go. Now they're just normal documents. Um, Mr. God? Yeah, Sarah, what's up? Yeah, Tyler's here to see you. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What did I say when that guy quit? Um, you said, oh shit, I'm totally going to jail for treason?

No, not that. The other thing I said when he quit. Do you think anyone will notice that I'm sitting in a kitty litter box at all times? No, no, Sarah, the other, other thing I said. Oh, yeah, right, right. Don't call him Tyler anymore. His name is Satan now. Exactly. So why don't you go ahead and send Satan in? Hey, God, how's it going? Satan, it's going great, actually, working on this new stuff called Parmesan cheese. People are going to love it. That's great. Hey, question. The Bible says that you're

visited by the sons of God right now. It doesn't actually say Satan. Isn't the son of God Jesus? Is it my turn to be in the book, Daddy? No. No, kiddo. No. I actually think sons of God is

supposed to mean angels in this context. Oh, okaydo, no. I actually think sons of God is supposed to mean angels in this context. Oh, okay, got it. Also, did we decide we were going with gay Jesus? Feels problematic to me. We're focus grouping, Sarah. We're focus grouping. Anyway, where have you been? Oh, you know me.

I'm Satan, so I go to all my favorite places. Water parks on Saturdays, hospital waiting rooms. I spend a lot of time on Nextdoor. Sure, that makes sense. Well, anyway, while you were down there, did you check out my new guy, Job? Huh? Uh, remind me. He smells like French onion was a blood type. Oh, Job. Yeah. Yeah. What about him? I'm just saying he's a cool dude. He worships me. That's pretty awesome. Right. But come on, man. He only does that because he's a cool dude. He worships me. That's pretty awesome. Right, but come on, man. He only does that because he's rich

and he has all those friends and family and stuff. I bet if you took away all his stuff, he would curse you right to your face. What? He would not. Look at this. He even signed up for my social media network, Juth Social.

Seems like somebody knows I'm right. I do not know that you're right, and I'll prove it to you. You go ahead and you do whatever you want to his friends and family and stuff. Just leave him alone. You'll see, me and Job are besties five ever. If you say so. Five ever, Tyler.

Five ever. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing godly stuff. Godly stuff is my favorite stuff. Lou, Lou, Lou. Job, Job. Yes, messenger, what is it? Doing godly stuff. Godly stuff is my favorite stuff. Job! Job! Yes, messenger, what is it? I come from your fields. The Sabians have stolen all of your oxes and asses and killed all your servants that were watching them.

I'm the only one that survived. Oh, wow, that's terrible. Let's get to the... Job! Job! Not now, messenger. There's been a terrible crisis. Indeed there has. A meteor just fell from the sky and hit your sheep and all your servants that were watching them. I'm the only one who survived.

A meteor? Job! Another messenger? What? They killed the deer and scared your camers and... And killed my servants and you're the only one who survived? Cool. Get in line, man. Job.

Job. Let me guess. My chickens. My ducks. My bitcoin? No. No, no, no. Your oldest son's house blew over with all your kids inside.

They're all dead now. Oh. Well, if you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go shave my head and weep for a little while. You sure you don't want to curse God? I mean, the day you had none of us would blame you. Nope. Just the head shave thing. Much appreciated, though, for the news.

I'd tip you, but everything I own in the world is gone, Much appreciated, though, for the news. I'd tip you, but everything I own in the world is gone, so you get it, right? Sure. Oh, yeah, no problem. So you don't have a talk change or anything? Dude, it is just that. Oh, whatever. Tarot cash.

It wasn't tarot cash. Meanwhile, up in heaven, Satan's still not impressed. Mr. God? Tyler? I mean, Satan? Is here to see you again? Excellent, Sarah. Thank you. Send him in. Satan, you're good to go in. Thanks, Sarah. Is that a beer helmet

with barbecue sauce in it? It's mine! Yes, it is, and it's mine. Oh, no, it's all yours. I was just asking. You're right. Wanted it. So? huh? Did you see Job? Killed his whole family. Still loyal. Yeah. No, I got to admit, a lot of people

are even more loyal to you after you've proven yourself to be demonstrably evil. Right? Topical. Yeah, super apropos. Anyway, I bet the guy would totally curse you if you gave him boils all over, though. Right? I mean, people tough it through just about anything, but boils? He'll curse you right in your face.

He will not. I'll show you. Hey, hey, go ahead and give him boils, but don't kill him. You got it? Sucker, I'll show you who's loyal. Demonstrable evil God says what? What? That's what I thought.

No, seriously, what? What? Tyler, what? What? Tyler, what? What? Lou, Lou, Lou. Ugh. I don't know, man. Lou. Honey?

Are you here in the ash pile? Yes, wife, yeah, I'm here. What are you doing out here? Yes, wife, yeah, I'm here. What are you doing out here? Well, I came out here to scrape all my boils off my skin with a piece of broken pottery, and, well, you know, that sucked. Then I just sort of sat down.

Oh, for goodness sakes, Job. Will you just curse God so that you can die with some dignity? Not really sure how cursing God would restore my dignity here. I mean, don't you blame God for all of this? Eh, not really. Can't thank God for blessings and then blame him for misfortune, right? No, that's exactly what you can do. You're literally just describing cause and effect. You just don't get it. Oh, I sure don't, hon. I sure don't.

Job, honey, your friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zofar are here to see you. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Wow, dude, you look bad. Yeah, you look awful. Yeah, you look awful. Yeah, and your podcast is boring and the title doesn't make any sense.

Damn it. Oh, okay. Well, why don't we just sit in silence for a little while like the Bible says? Okay, how long does the Bible say we sit here in silence? Seven days. Oh, so like the length of an we sit here in silence? Seven days. Oh, so like the length of an episode of Glass Box. I get it. People like history, Eli.

Not everything's on TikTok. And then Job and his friends talk for 42 chapters. 42 chapters? Dude, you're the one that wanted to sketchify the Bible, okay? That's because I didn't read it, Noah. You're supposed to stop me from doing hard things. Like clicking a button on Patreon? Okay, I said I was sorry, Heath.

Should we go? Don and I are going to play Magic the Gathering. Don, if you play Magic without me, I will kill you and then myself. Guys, guys, guys, it's fine. We can just represent the basics. Yeah, plus it's probably pretty important that you guys at least discuss the Bible's philosophy. And, well, this is about as close as they get to a Greek treatise.

Well, I actually heard that's largely because the format was probably stolen by monks from the Middle Ages. It's largely a historical belief right there. Oh, why don't you and bart ermin just suck each other's dicks i bet bart ermin knows how to click a button guys guys sorry fine sorry okay so first up is job's friend eliphaz oh i wish i was never born hey hey don't say that, Job. God only kills the guilty when they're young. And you don't want to be guilty, do you? Uh, yes, God? Yeah, and you know what else? Let me tell you something about the unborn, okay?

Those people who weren't ever born, they're the worst. They suck. Fucking assholes. Every single one of them. Mark my words, every single miscarriage is the best thing that ever happened to the world believe me uh no what the fuck am i talking about right no great question so eliphaz is supposed to represent early hebraic yahwehism which is i mean it depends on which generation of rabbi you're asking but basically it's theology based in the reality of god so god is real but

no it's not that that's like the whole point of your whole show in yahwehism god is real there are lots of things in observable reality that don't make sense like miscarriages so eliphaz is making the argument that maybe all the miscarried babies were evil in which case miscarriages are good and it all makes sense. That is incredibly stupid. Yeah. I mean, what part of biblical philosophy did you not understand? Nope, that's fair.

That's fair. And besides, God hurts people, but he also heals them. So maybe he'll heal you even better than you were before. But I was fine before. I mean, look, God doesn't punish people for no reason, so you must have done something bad. No, I didn't. And it's not helpful for you to tell me that I did. You're like, kind of a bad friend.

I know I am, but in my defense, Job, I'm just a philosophical construct. My name literally translates to the agility of God. Yeah, that's fair. And so then it was Bildad's turn. Oh man, my life is so bad and soon I'm going to die and there's no afterlife. I just wish I knew that God forgave me before I die. Hey bud, you should look at it this way. Check it out. So, you know how there's no justice without God, right? Sure. Yeah, and stay with me here.

If your kids, you know, sucked, dropping a house on those kids would be awesome, right? Sure. Yeah, right. So your kids probably sucked. Okay, sorry, now I'm confused. What the fuck am I saying? Yeah, right. So Bill Dad represents sucked. Okay, sorry, now I'm confused. What the fuck am I saying? Yeah, right. So Bildad represents the Hebraic idea of justice.

See, in the Bible, justice is different than reality because often justice is supernatural. He's basically saying even if God's laws don't make sense, they're God's laws, so they do. So basically this section of the Bible is sort of asking the question, hey, hasn't this book been insane bullshit up till now? so basically this section of the Bible is sort of asking the question, Hey, hasn't this book been insane bullshit up till now? And twice in a row, the answer has been because I said so. Uh, yeah.

Got it. Wait a second, build it. That doesn't make sense. God can do anything, right? Um, sure.

Yeah. He can move mountains, make the sun rise of course yeah all that stuff then why doesn't he just make laws that always make sense to everybody all the time is it because he hates us because honestly if he hates us a lot of this makes sense, like, even by your definition. Shit, that's actually that's true. Wait, sorry, is that last part in the Bible? Pretty much, yeah. Okay, what's the

Bible's answer? Actually, the next guy just starts talking. Ah, got it. Hey, Job, I had a thought. What's that so far? Well, so God is punishing you, right? It would appear so, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty bad.

And he's punishing you like bad, right? Yes, my children are dead. I'm destitute and covered in boils. Right, right. So a punishment that bad means you must have done something really bad. It's like something so bad that if we knew about it,

we'd probably want a punishment for you that was even worse. But because God gave you the punishment, you know that it's exactly right. I mean, I guess that makes sense. So, you feel better? No, that's a no. Okay. Well, I tried my best.

Hello. It's me again. Oh, hey. Eliphaz. Are you going again? Yes. Out of order. I just wanted to pop in and say that everyone who is born from a woman is unclean.

So, you know, if anyone ever comes along and says that we're sinners, we should just definitely listen to that guy. Dude, what are you even talking about? I'm just, this is the original text of the Bible. Nobody messed with it or changed it or anything. I just want to point that out now for maybe a call back later.

Elphaz, are you a medieval monk taking some creative license to make the New Testament make more sense? No. Bart Ehrman says this is contemporary and valid. Oh, so now we're using Bart Ehrman? You shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up.

You shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. You're the one who shut up. You shut up.

You shut up. Noah, how long do the characters tell each other to just shut up for? It's about two chapters. You shut up. Got it. You shut up. Absolutely shut up. Shut up.

Wait, wait, wait. Aren't we going to, like, you and I do a little topical conversation in the foreground? That's what you and Heath do, right? You shut up. Shut up. Oh, wait. Aren't we going to, like, you and I do a little topical conversation in the foreground? That's what you and Heath do, right? Oh, yeah, we do. You playing anything good right now? No, not really. Oh, did you give Inscription a shot yet? No, I haven't had time.

It's good. It's good. It makes some bold swings. It really does. I feel like it kind of loses the thread in Act 3. That's fair. That's fair. But it's just. It's good. It makes some bold swings. It really does. I feel like it kind of loses the thread in Act 3. That's fair. That's fair. But it's just so ambitious. Oh, it really is. It really is. Alright, I'll check it out. It's basic logic of a fight. Aw, man.

I was so cool before all this. I helped the poor. I was kind to women and children. Okay, Joe. I helped the lame to walk was kind to women and children. Okay, Job. I helped the lame to walk and the blind to see. Okay, I feel like that's an exaggeration. And now everybody hates me. They spit in my face.

They say I smell like soup. I'm hated like a dragon or an owl. That was a weird choice of animals, Job. One of those things. You know what? What did you say about soup? You guys are no help at all. Get out of here.

Fine. We will. Fuck you, Job. Fuck you guys. Shut up. Hey, Job. Oh, hey, Elihu. What are you doing here?

And why wouldn't my wife have mentioned you were here? Yeah. What are you doing here? And why wouldn't my wife have mentioned you were here? Yeah, I was apparently here the whole time. Oh, well, you have any advice for me? I mean, look, God is good, right? I said that. And God is perfect? Yes. And he punished you?

Yes, we've been over this. Are you absolutely sure you don't deserve it? Yes, absolutely yes. Okay, just checking. Hey, Job. Yes, Elihu? I just want you to know I don't believe you. You probably fucked kids or something.

Thanks, and you're my least helpful friend. I am, yes. Holy shit, a whirlwind! Job, Job, it's me, God. Finally, God! I've been nothing but loyal to you, and all these terrible things happened. And then my friends all blame me.

Can you give me answers? I sure can, Job, I sure can. But real quick first, just a quick question for you. Anything, Lord, of course. Where were you when I created the whirlwind? I guess not born yet?

Oh, not born yet. Uh, do you know how big the Earth is? I mean, depending on how you measure the historicity of the Bible, there are people who... Do you have pet lightning bolts? What do you do when you need rain for a war? Where do you keep your snow treasure? What do you do when you need rain for a war? Where do you keep your snow treasure?

Those questions don't make any sense. Do you have any lion food? No. Yeah. Can you out-fuck a hippo? What? A hippo. The behemoth.

I thought the behemoth was a dinosaur. Relax, Ray Comfort. It's a hippo. Can you out-fuck a hippo? I can out-fuck him. I can out-fuck the fuck out of a hippo. I can't believe people think this book is the answer to the problem of evil. You know the Leviathan?

No. Know what he does, because he's not real. Giant sea monster, very real. Half dragon, boils the seas wherever he goes. Sure, what about him? I could kick his ass. Wait, and that's why you killed my children? Yes. Okay. Thanks.

I guess. Nice. Hey, Jeb's friends who were just talking for 42 chapters. Yeah, what's up? Do some sacrifices, and I just want to say good job speaking up for me just now. You all really represented my ideas, like, well and properly. Quick follow-up, are any of you lawyers in Florida by any chance? No. What? No. I never passed the bar. That's too bad.

And after they sacrificed the animals, everybody came to Job's house and they wished him well and he got all his animals back and he had new kids plus his daughters were the hottest ladies around. The end. So wait. What is the Bible's answer to the problem of evil i mean eh the answer is eh or or the answer is eh yes uh-huh oh well that's as vague as it is

unsatisfying well you know what i might know somebody who could help. Hit it, Anna! Hi, my name is Job, and I got this moral code. You might have heard, I'm kind of known around the globe. Because I'm the righteous, I'm the nicest, I spend money on my friends at twice the price. You should stay at my abode, because I'm rolling in camels. Got sheep, got mammals, got feets

that my family keeps, because generosity speaks. We're not cheap. Got ten kids, they're rich as hell their mom's a pretty hot bitch as well but pardon if I stammer cause this holy scammer took a sledgehammer to my life put me in the slammer took my money took my kids

and wiped them quick as I could stand switch I felt that fucker left me helpless in a ditch I tell ya there's a fella named God told the devil to applaud devil said I was a fraud and I'm crooked so hey I forgot a deal Put me through every ordeal And then see how I feel about his book

And he took it Let's see how Joe does Without that face Cause I wanna see how he'll do With only a kazoo So a thief was sent to burgle Every garter, every girdle, every silver dollar Picked for all my barbells, bottles, jars of marbles, all my goats and chickens,

coats and kittens, goats and squickers, you can blink, I'm sitting penniless and poverty stricken. It's not hyperbole, I don't deserve it, any odd observancy, it's worthless torturing me for no purpose, but my family prays about mysterious ways, so I doubt that God would ever usurp us. So God turned to Satan and said, let's get this straight. He seems holy and patient and righteous. But the devil said to God, I know what might sound out, but after this next charade,

we'll have to wind us. Let's see how Job does without that sin curse. I want to see how he'll feel with just a block and spiel. The next day I could tell something was off. The silence was so deafening that you could hear a fleek off. My mansion and all its expansions collapsed and squished all of my plans.

Smashed my whole family in two beef stroganoff. But I wasn't dissuaded at all, my friends. My life has been downgraded, all but condemned. But I won't be persuaded to fall to sin. No matter how jaded or small I am, then... Oh, I'm not done yet. You still have a drum set. Let's see if you can make

some noise with a bunch of fucking toddler's toys. That satanic whore left me covered in lesions and swords. On top of all that, God adds even more convulsing, bruising bloody curled up on the floor. His motherfucker, he's your maker. He can break you, send you

to your local undertaker. Shake your every nerve, don't care if you deserve it. He's the word, bitch, and no matter your moral code, you're gonna get served, bitch. And the matter you get it, it'll lower your grade on the curve, which doesn't make sense considering he's the one hitting the nerve. That holy sadistic perv. So God says to Joel, you passed the test.

You bested the devil. You deserve a break. I'll cut you some slack and I'll give it all back. But do just remember what I can take. And it's funny because now that it's through, I can't believe I stayed true. If the going gets tough, just remember you're enough, even if you only got a kazoo. Thank you, Anna. You finally got the song from last week out of my head. Before we return to the liminal internet region, though, where podcasters go in between episodes, I want to remind you that there are still tickets available for the QED conference in Manchester, England, on the weekend of October 29th. It's the best conference in skepticism, I would say that, even if Heath, Eli, and I were not recording a live episode of Godawful Movies there, but we are.

If you're interested, check out QEDCon.org or check the show notes for a handy-dandy link. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, go ahead and look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation,

needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would fail us all if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his sword, Eli Bosnick for his bow, and an even newer episode of our half-sensual citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would fail us all if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his sword, Eli Bosnick for his bow, and Lucinda Lusions for her axe. Sorry, baby, the hammer just doesn't work there. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, Bryce Blankenegel of the Glass Box Podcast, and Anna

Bosnick of D&D Minus for helping out with Bible Peace Theater this week. I also want to thank TikTok's very own Arch Radish for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most beautiful bipeds, Conrad, Colin, Bradley, Jerry, Jimmy, Jeremy, Peter, Steven, Jazzy Bear, Elizabeth, Laura, Sasha, Patricia, Celeste,

Custodial Humanist, Hashtag Heathen, Tanya, Edward, Tommy, Zero Serenity, and Zachary. Conrad, Colin, Bradley, Jerry, Jimmy, Jeremy, and Peter, whose virility gives the Falcon 9 thrust envy, Steven, Jazzy Bear, Elizabeth, Laura, Sasha, Patricia, and Celeste, who have so much gravitas NASA slings spacecraft around them, and custodial humanists, hashtag heathen,

Tanya, Edwards, Tommy, Zero, and Zachary, whose IQs are higher than the ISS crew. Together, these 21 new and returning patrons helped us help ourselves this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your money is too inflated to shove into the internet tubes, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. The legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles

our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We'll, will also be using this episode, which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments, or doubts, or want to find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. It's not that I was in a hurry to get this record done It's that I wanted to get all the stuff about shoving drugs up Heath's ass on record Right, exactly Of course Of course The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2022, all rights reserved