The Scathing Atheist - 506: Putting the Tool in Tool Man Edition

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

In this week’s episode, a New York politicians will put his moneyshot where his mouth is, Marjorie Taylor Greene supports the North in the Civil War by accident, and we’ll learn that the ritual knife of satanism is a pumpkin carver. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Brooklyn Yeshiva to pay back millions in fraudulent payments from government: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/hasidic-school-fraud-scheme-millions-in-penalties/ Preacher running for NJ town council compared LGBTQ people to rapists: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/david-paszkiewicz-kearny-preacher-town-council-lgbtq-people-rapists/ Lauren Boebert says the LAST DAYS are upon us: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/10/lauren-boebert-says-last-days-upon-us/ Lauren Boebert demands cutting State Department funds over tiny grant for drag show: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/10/lauren-boebert-demands-cutting-state-department-funds-tiny-grant-drag-show/ An atheist candidate made a sex tape to boost his election platform: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/mike-itkis-atheist-congress-sex-tape-boost-election-platform/ County considers noise ordinance just to shut Greg Locke up: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/greg-locke-noise-ordinance-church-so-loud-wilson-county/ Marjorie Taylor Greene tried to honor the Confederacy but failed spectacularly: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/10/marjorie-taylor-greene-tried-honor-confederacy-failed-spectacularly/ Trump considering MTG as 2024 running mate:  https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/10/donald-trump-considering-marjorie-taylor-greene-2024-running-mate/ --- This Week in Misogyny: WaPo highlights problems of Catholic hospitals: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/10/10/abortion-catholic-hospitals-birth-control/ Catholic podcaster urges women to remain in abusive relationships: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/catholic-podcaster-urges-women-to-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

Warning, the fucks are coming. Well, fuck, they're already here. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Vulgarity for Charity. That's right, our annual charity fundraiser is starting in just a few days, so set aside a few bucks and start thinking about whose face you want Eli to compare to a rancid lunch meet. Vulgarity for Charity. Because not enough charity drives have fucks in them.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, boys. We did indeed evolve from filthy monkey freaks. Goodbye, boys. It's Thursday. It's October 27th. And it's Black Cat Awareness Day.

Because stupid beliefs don't have to be religious, but it does help. It does help, yeah. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright, and from Ted Cruz's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and way across Georgia, he went to Princeton. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, a New York

politician will put his money shot where his mouth is. Marjorie Taylor Green supports the North in the Civil War by accident. Yeah, uh-huh. And we'll learn that the ritual knife of Satanism is a pumpkin carver. But first, the diatribe. Oh, Tim Allen, you dumb, dumb fuck. And don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting next-level brilliance from a guy who got famous by grunting,

but I expect more than this. Now, there's a good chance you've already seen this, but let me fill you in if you haven't. A clip from an old interview with Tim Allen is going around thanks to a viral tic-tac, and in this clip, Tim Allen presents possibly the stupidest argument for the existence of God that has ever or indeed could ever be presented and keep in mind that we're talking about a world where look at the trees ranks amongst the most common retorts to atheism so here's the relevant clip my one my older daughter's atheist and I said well philosophically it's a weird it's an irony there too,

because atheists don't believe in God. Well, there has to be a God for you not to believe in. And my daughter goes, ah, she's still in therapy over that. I mean, not for nothing, but I believe that was his daughter's reaction to the argument. Right. But both the stammering and the therapy, just not for the reason that Tim thinks. She's left speechless by his stupidity and his dumb ass has taken a victory lap around her.

But yeah, according to Tim, the tool man, Taylor, the fact that you don't believe in something is proof that it exists. And as was pointed out by the TikToker who drew our attention to the clip in the first place, this is coming from a guy whose most famous role was santa claus now this this actually isn't the first time i've come across this clip it comes from an interview on norm mcdonald's podcast from like a year or two before he died and a lot of people forget this because of the way that we kind of after somebody

dies we kind of glaze over their shitty parts but norm m Macdonald fucking sucked. He was a right-wing misogynistic bigot who spent a lot of time pretending white comedians were in danger of censorship. Anyway, so leading into this part of the interview, you really get a taste of that. The prompt for this conversation is basically Norm Macdonald going, so how about them fucking atheists, huh? What a bunch of fucks, am I right? And then Tim Allen, no surprise, agrees.

He actually starts off fumbling his way through the fine-tuning argument like a fourth grader that had to memorize the Gettysburg Address, and then he offers up the nugget of wisdom you just heard. In order for you to not believe in something, it must first exist. And I'm going to say, I'm impressed with how wrong this manages to be. Consider just how much you have to power down the critical thinking parts of your brain to even utter that sentence. I mean, step one in checking on your argument is personal substitution, right? Would I find this convincing? Well, let me consider something that I don't believe in, that some people do believe in, and imagine somebody trying to convince me

it's true. What would be the equivalent argument? how would I respond to it? Any attempt to do this whatsoever, right, even by the simplest of sapient minds, refutes it. One second of devoted critical thought and you realize, oh, fuck, I just proved the existence of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Tooth Fairy, right? In fact, you kind of have to go out of your way not to realize how bad this argument is. But for his part, when it's posited, Norm Macdonald just sits there in awe of it. And then fucking dumbstruck and dumberstruck sit there and pat themselves on the back for two fucking minutes about how pwned we nonbelievers just were. And yes, there are certainly more sophisticated arguments in favor of theism than this one. sophisticated arguments in favor of theism than this one. I don't know that there are any that rise all the way to the level of sophisticated, but certainly more sophisticated than, well, how would you even know what not to believe in if there wasn't a God? But to be honest,

this is the kind of shit that you tend to get when you ask Christians why they believe in God. I mean, some of them memorize complicated apologetics because, you know, they've heard that it's the one simple trick to convert atheists, but when they're even remotely unguarded, they trot out shit like this. They toss out such patently absurd justifications that it's hard to believe they're even being serious. And when they do this shit, they accidentally admit the real reason they believe in God. They refuse to think about it. Any series of words that ends in, therefore God exists, is good enough when you've put a mental wall between yourself and doubt. It doesn't matter if the argument is convincing. Hell, it doesn't even matter if the argument is coherent. You're not allowed to think about it.

And 99 times out of 100, neither are any of the God believers you offer it up to. I mean, I've spent a sizable portion of my life learning their top-level apologetics and the refutations thereof, but when I encounter a Christian in the wild, I'm almost always confronted by something this asinine. Hell, I was recently challenged to explain where heaven comes from if there's no God. Now, that's not to say that there's no value in studying these more advanced arguments, right? Thinking about what you believe has a benefit all of its own. And when you come across somebody who's genuinely questioning their faith, those arguments come in really handy. But when it comes to people who just want to argue about God at like the family reunion or Thanksgiving dinner or the company mixer or whatever,

you're far less likely to encounter the Kalam cosmological argument than you are something along the lines of, well, if there was no Jesus, then what were all them BC people even counting down to? And again, I need to emphasize this. That is an actual argument that I was presented with once. So yeah, enjoy the commentary. I'm always glad to see shit apologetics go viral, and this is a pretty easy one to dig into. But remember it whenever you find yourself frustrated because you can't find the argument

that your brother or your sister-in- law or your uncle or whatever finds convincing remember that an awful lot of christians do find this kind of shit convincing and rest assured that it's probably not a problem with your arguments joining me for headlines tonight are the commutative and associative to my distributive Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to sum things up? Do I talk next or? Do I talk next?

It doesn't matter. Nice. In our lead story tonight. That was a super smart fucking joke. In our lead story tonight, we have a follow up on a story we covered last month about how much public money

was flowing into Jewish schools. That story, of course, was based on an expose in the New York Times. And since A, New York is a pretty liberal city, B, the New York Times is pretty influential, and C, they were Jewish schools instead of Christian ones, it looks like there was some government follow-up. The State Board of Regents approved a new set of rules that strengthened the basic education requirements of private schools receiving government funding. The state education commissioner has gone after a few specific schools. And most significantly, the largest school featured in the article was charged with fraud, pled guilty, and has agreed to pay back over $8 million in restitution. Hey, bud, did you buy lunch with your lunch money or did you buy magical death futures?

You have to tell me. You're in trouble yeah don't get me wrong this is like a good step but it's hard to imagine any other instance but religion we're stealing almost a billion dollars could be met with put it on my desk and nobody gets in trouble right yes yeah but you know this is a story about schools so yeah no fair so yeah the school at the heart of the story is the central united talmudic academy one letter off people one try harder so they have over 5 000 students across several campuses you might remember them from the original story they were the school that gave a standardized

test to their entire student body to prove that they were to teach in real facts only to have literally every single student fail well Well, it turns out that taking money to teach math and teaching bullshit instead was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to their fraud. For example, they paid their teachers partly in cash and undisclosed benefits so that they could under-report their incomes and pay lower taxes. They set up no-show jobs for friends of employees. They claimed to serve meals to students on days the school wasn't even in session. And they used tax dollars intended to feed impoverished children to throw parties for the staff oh it's like a wolf of wall street but sad and dark in this case yeah yeah and with literally

any jews so that you know the opposite of a scorsese yeah right right exactly you even can recognize who the bad guys are sam rothstein. Right? It's a casino. There you go. Main character. Played by? Robert De Niro, famously Jewish. Famous Jewish actor. And, you know, and they treat his Judaism with such respect. Yeah, they really do.

All right. So in addition to the eight million plus in restitution and fines, at least two school officials were charged criminally. One was sentenced to two years in prison and another was given five years probation in addition to that the school's agreed to replace its entire management team and the state has imposed an independent monitor to oversee their financials for the next three years or wait sorry no actually the school gets to submit a list of potential monitors and then the government like can choose from them what which sounds bat shit fucking

crazy they get to handpick their oversight but still apparently that is better than whatever bullshit we were letting them get away with before cool yeah maybe we can appoint a special headmaster to keep tabs perfect uh it breaks my heart to tell you this heath but i had to google your joke twice before i realized it wasn't a Harry Potter reference. What? Because the Ministry of Magic appointed Dolores Umbridge after Dumbledore escaped. Okay, alright, so yeah, no, I feel like people can fill that in. Of course, it should be noted that the 8 million bucks that

Cuda is paying back is about 992 million dollars shy of the amount of money yeshivas have siphoned out of public coffers in just the last four fucking years, according to the original Times report. I don't even know if that qualifies as a drop in the bucket unless we're calculating a homeopathy style but but the fact that the state is standing up to financial abuses by religious schools in any way is an important step forward especially when you consider what an important voting block they're potentially pissing off by doing so but hey new

york city politicians worried that this is going to be labeled anti-Semitism in the next election cycle. A quick piece of advice for you. Do Christian schools next. Yeah. It's great rhetorical advice to have it. You're ready, but it's also your fucking job. This is your chance. This is your chance. Do the atheist schools. Oh, no, they're real schools.

They're real schools and you have to know where all the paper is. And in way too local news, you know, it's easy to focus on the bigots in this country that are running for major offices like Marjorie Taylor Greene, J.D. Vance, and whatever giant bug is puppeting Herschel Walker's body. But it's important to remember that Christian bigots are running for office all over this fine nation of ours. that Christian bigots are running for office all over this fine nation of ours. And I personally got an unpleasant reminder of that when Hammett Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist blog let us know that a preacher best known for being caught proselytizing to kids in his history classroom is running for town council really, really close to where I live. Like, like really close to where I live.

All right. You want me to come swaddle you or you want me to send the bail money in advance? Both. Not to belittle your story, but as a resident

of Waycross, Georgia, it's really hard not to call you a sweet summer child right now, Eli. Yeah. No, that's fair. That's fair.

I feel this. My story has been topped. Yeah. So the asshole in question is David Paskevich and he looks like Shooter McGavin got a makeover from Queer Eye for the straight guy but the old one not the new one where they

also try to make you not a heinous person anymore just the one where they gave you a haircut and as I mentioned he's best known for 16 years ago when he was recorded by a student taking time out of his high school history class to tell students that they should become christian that evolution wasn't true and that noah's ark was real jesus and by the way if you're wondering how the district

responded back then well they gave paskevich a slap on the wrist that literally didn't matter and passed a new rule in the district that students weren't allowed to record teachers anymore oh oh so they're using the old reduce emergency calls by manning the phone less often approach okay yeah sounds like that and okay just new rule if a teacher ever says stop resisting the lord they have to wear a body cam from now on. That's the rule. That's another job that could really do with a body cam. Sure could. Sure could. So, yeah. Pescevich

is still teaching in that high school, by the way. Like, right now in the year of our Lord, 2022. Now, you might wonder, is he still preaching to his students? Yeah, he probably is, but we don't know because they're not allowed to record it. Right. Luckily, Pescevich is also doing the recording himself as he recently posted a sermon to Facebook where he compared the LGBTQ community to rapists and pedophiles.

So here's the quote. Quote, when I was growing up, you heard about people that were homosexual. They had given into sin and had gone in that direction. And then it became, you know, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and now they added a plus sign to it? What's the plus for? What will the next letter be? Will it be R for rapist? Will it be P

for pedophile? Cool, yeah. Any other children's book titles off the top of your head, Kev? You got any other good ones? What the fuck? He does. He does. Will it be H for human trafficker? Will it be B for bestiality? This is insane. End of real quote. This is insane.

I am scared of initialisms. This is pandemonium. I can't handle it. All right. Well, if it helps, man, the B is already taken. So I just, I can reassure you on that one. Yeah. So yeah, that guy is running for town council.

Now, luckily, I should point out he is running against an incumbent who will probably beat him. But the fact that this guy even made it to the like, I got enough signatures and I'm running for office stage is fucking insane. One last thing about this story. And I don't want to be the guy who brings this fucking next door fights onto his podcast, but I think this illustrates a dangerous point. So when I read this story, I went to my local, you know, citizens of town group to post about it on Facebook, because as you know, if you're a member of any of those groups, there's sort of a grab bag of people from all different towns in the area. So that post got denied by the mod of

the group who then wrote me and said, hey, this is about this different town. All the posts in this group need to be about the town we live in. And then I pointed out that the group rules specifically said you could post news about other towns. And then I also linked a bunch of posts that are about other towns. And then they just blocked the post again without comment. And look, I'm sure the lady who mods this Facebook group I'm in isn't a bigot, right? She's just some rando who doesn't want to make trouble.

But what we need right now is trouble. It needs to be troublesome to be a bigot and I'm in relatively liberal New Jersey and I have a podcast with over 26 million listeners. We don't have anywhere near 26 million listeners. That's the population of like Australia.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Sign up. I don't understand. I read that The Daily has like 2 million listeners, and they're super boring. So why would we not have? We'll explain later.

Okay, whatever. 20 million listeners. Either way, one way to make trouble for people is to run for office. We've had some listeners do that this year. And even more secular candidates. So please, please keep that up. Because for every one of you not running, there's probably a Christian asshole out there that is. Yeah, to be fair, Eli apparently thinks we have a larger listener base than the population of Florida.

So in his mind, at least we'll be fine. I don't understand. You guys are going to have to explain. And in Lobo's news, sitting U.S. congressperson and patroness who shows up whenever you say speak with a manager three times, Lauren Boebert continued her campaign trail

and gave common sense advice about our political reality. Basic idea, it's kind of the opposite of Tim Ryan's advice. Tim Ryan said nobody's coming to save us. But turns out that's wrong because the murdered son of God is coming to save us with a sword coming out of his mouth. There's also going to be an army of zombies and some like krakens or kaiju or something like that during a political event about who should be in charge of our government at the national level she said the end is nigh it's gonna be great vote

republican yeah right so look if the ship is sinking it probably doesn't need a new captain if the ship isn't sinking but you insist it is it doesn't need you as captain. So either way, the ship don't need Lobos. No, it does not. So Boebert was appearing at a GOP fundraising event and here's what she had to say exactly. Quote, I want to start with two words.

Let's go, Brandon. So real bad start. Apparently the number line's different when the N gets extra nigh. I'm assuming it just, it dilates it. It's compressed. She continued from there.

We are in the last of the last days. And that's not a time to complain. That's not a time to grumble, be dismayed, be disheartened, but a time to rejoice. You get to be part of ushering in the second coming of Jesus. you get to be part of ushering in the second coming of jesus and of course the rest of the event was collecting big donation checks from stupid rich people who have to pretend they kind of believe the bible is real for that purpose yeah it's pretty fucked up when miscounting three is the intellectual high point of your quote you know whenever we read a quote like this i think about how we'll occasionally get an email.

Then someone will be like, you're ruining everything because the real Christians are all really groovy. And this is just like one or two people. And it's times like this when I want to remind those emailers that the horse locusts are a coming is an applause line for half of this country. Yes, right. So, yeah, the apocalypse, it's about to happen and nothing matters. Also, it's very important that we dehumanize the LGBT community while we're waiting on nothing mattering. That's the message from Boebert. And that's why she spent a good deal of her time last week combing through line items on the State Department budget and then slamming her laptop closed in a fit of rage when she found out

that we gave a grant of $20,600 to a group in Ecuador to promote diversity and inclusion. It funded three workshops, a two-minute documentary, and 12 drag theater performances. So she started typing very angrily into her journal at that moment. The world is about to end. We are spending 3.2 millionths of 1% of our national budget on art that confuses me and I will not stand for it. And then she actually tweeted this. She said, note to self, the Department of State has excess funds that need to be cut

next year. Okay. All right. Well, look, I feel like the State Department is getting a great deal on drag theater performances. Thank you! That's a very good deal. I honestly want to talk to their drag theater performance guy. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, I think

this group is giving us a deal to get their foot in the... Don't do it. Ecuador. Okay. One other detail on Lobobs recently. From Ecuador. This is very important. Her neighbor is pretty sure she murdered his dog Omega with a gun. So, okay.

It turns out she did not do that. Probably. A local police report shows that a different person living in the neighborhood shot Omega after Omega attacked some livestock. So, fine. Okay. She didn't murder the dog this time. But if someone shoots a dog near my house,

exactly zero of my neighbors would ever possibly think it was me ever, ever, ever. Yep, that's important. Lauren Boebert cannot say the same thing. I hope she dies when a dog shoots her in the face. It's all right. You can say that, right crossfire you can hope while i call andrew and see how much of that i have to beep uh we're gonna hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda you have to be allowed to hope andrew

you can't be pope what else do we have a man wrote the the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate rape. Then you're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. The one feeble little silver lining of the Dobbs decision, the one that overturned Roe versus Wade, is the way that it's forced the mainstream media

to reckon with a lot of the shit we've been warning you about for years. Like we've been talking for damn near a decade on this show about the dangers of Catholic hospitals choosing religious rules over secular needs. One of the most off-sited statistics on this show is the fact that about one hospital bed in six in this country is in a hospital that's controlled by the Catholic Church. Now, if this was just a matter of ownership, it would be kind of bigoted for me to even point that out, but it isn't. The standard of care is different in Catholic hospitals. They all but universally refuse to do abortions

regardless of the level of medical need. Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, get fucked. They'll refer you to the next hospital over, which for most of the country probably isn't in the same town and may very well also be a catholic hospital but it's far worse than just that they also generally ban all contraceptive surgeries they often won't even let their doctors give out or prescribe birth control hell the catholic conference of bishops which oversees all catholic hospitals in the country forbids even referring patients to another facility for contraception.

Well, the good news, to the extent that there can be good news buried in this, is that more people are starting to notice. The Washington Post did a recent expose about the problem, and that's gained a lot more traction than pieces like this normally garner. a lot more traction than pieces like this normally garner. I know because I've been screaming from the rooftops about this problem for years and the only other voice I've ever heard on the subject is my echo. Advocacy groups are finally starting to make their way into mainstream outlets and point out shit like how unlikely it is that a patient knows what religion their goddamn hospital is. Hell, there's even some low-level noise about passing laws restricting their rights to stay so goddamn opaque about all this shit. Nobody's yet going as far as proposing laws that would make them just provide all the goddamn legal medical shit the doctor thinks they should provide. I mean, it's not like men are being regularly denied important medical care,

but it's a start. And look, if you want to understand the scope and depth of this problem, you really need to focus on the low regard that Catholics have for women in general. I mean, they're one of the few remaining religious holdouts that ban women from basically any role of leadership at all. So that gives you a clue. But another stark reminder showed up in my inbox this week as well. It came in the form of a Catholic podcaster advising women in abusive relationships to stay put so that they can do their part to bring their abuser to salvation. Now, this story is actually metamisogyny. It starts with a TikTok star going on some sexist-ass rant

about how he'd never pay child support if his wife ran off on him with his kid. Well, Adrian Fonseca of the Catholic Conversations podcast took issue with that, but he took the wrong issue. In his mind, the real problem was that the, but he took the wrong issue. In his mind, the real problem was that the women run off in the first place. And as part of his justification, he opined, quote, if a wife has a husband who is a deadbeat husband, who's not making money for their family, who's even abusive, I'm just going to say it because it's true. And people will freak out, but it's true. And then, of course, because religious people can never make a direct point, even if they just said, I'm just going to say it as a lead.

And he starts talking about saints that were abused and points out that, quote, they stayed and endured the abuse. They offered up those sufferings for the salvation of souls, but most primarily for the salvation of souls for their husband, end quote. So there you have it. The real victim when a husband abuses his wife is the husband's soul. And the same mindset that informs that kind of demonic sexism is also making medical decisions for women against their will. And on that happy note, I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Super PAC news, hey, podcast lister, remember way back in the A segment of this podcast when I said that you should run for office,

I probably should have been a little more specific about how I wanted you to go about doing that because last week, openly atheist candidate Mike Itkiss, running for the 12th Congressional District, decided to prove his dedication to his platform of legalizing sex work by releasing a sex tape with a porn

star. Okay, first of all, I like this. Also, I like this better than most of the debate formats I've seen, if I'm being honest. I think that would work better. Yeah, right? Now, I feel like you could have talked Herschel Walker into more than most of the debate formats I've seen, if I'm being honest. Okay. I think that would work better. Yeah, right? Now, I feel like you could have talked Herschel Walker into more than one of them, at least. Okay. I feel like he still brings props, though, right?

Yeah. And John Fetterman does way better. I feel like it's great for everybody involved. Now, I want to be clear here that Mike is running as an independent and has, almost by his own admission at this point, no chance of winning this deep, deep blue seat. But he's raising important issues and is openly secular. It's just I'm not sure the best way to do that was a sex tape titled Bucket List Bonanza released on Pornhub. So, Mike, you got to have at least a pun in there with it's got to have a right.

It's like bucket list bonanza or something. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. But Mike disagrees with me in an interview with city and state. Mike said, quote, if I would just talk about it, it wouldn't demonstrate my commitment to the issue. And the fact I actually did it was a huge learning experience and it actually influenced items on my platform and quote i learned a lot yeah so turns out it's real it is real and it's at the crest of the lady it's right at the crest all right so but in his defense look he got us talking about the issue as well as whatever news source you got this from yes a bunch of news sources are talking about that yeah credit where

credit's due also one last thing about this story. I just want to be super clear that we here on Scaming Atheist actually agree with Mike when it comes to legalizing sex work. And like funny as this story is, I mean, atheist candidate makes a sex tape. I got to put that on our show. But the point he's making is that sex work is perfectly fine and should be a legal thing between consenting adults. And that liberals don't need to be like

walking the fence on that no they shan't yeah but i know some of you out there might be skeptical of our dedication so asa akira if you're listening i am willing to have sex with you to prove my dedication to liberalism reach out to the Okay. So you think she's one of the 28 billion, do you? Is the Daily not boring? Why would more people listen to them? It's so boring. Inexplicable. And in bearer of bad noise news,

the biggest problem with Greg Locke is that he won't shut the fuck up. That's not the only problem with Greg Locke, of course. Even a completely silent Greg Locke could still hate minorities, burn books, and harass innocent dunkin donuts employees but his failure to shut the fuck up is certainly his worst feature and by so much that the county he's in is considering legislation to counter it specifically officials in wilson county tennessee are about to pass a new noise ordinance meant to quiet his loud ass services, which can apparently be heard five goddamn miles away from his global vision Bible church. Okay, guys, I don't know how.

I don't know why. But I do know that this ends with him owing a billion dollars to the Sandy Hook families. I can see the end of the path, if not the road. All right. So this came to light during a recent meeting of the Wilson County Commission, which kind of devolved into an impromptu game of taboo because nobody wanted to specifically say Greg Locke's name or the name of his

church so that they couldn't later be accused of directing the ordinance at an individual or showing whatever bullshit level of magical hostility it takes for the Supreme Court to overturn otherwise legal decisions. You were mean to the cakes. What? Instead, the representative from the sheriff's office brought up the fact that they'd received 41 noise complaints the previous month, more than half of which involves, quote, a church

down in the west end of the county, end quote. Okay, this taboo thing we're doing is crazy. Just listen for a second. You hear the 44 creams, 19 sugars. That's him right now. You hear that? 44 creams, 19 sugars. That's him right now. You hear that? He's at a Dunkin' five miles down the road. We're hearing that.

Side note, just in case anyone new is listening, that's actually Greg Locke's coffee order. Heath is not exaggerating. I also don't know why I'm perfectly happy for new listeners to figure out on their own who the wool-dasher mizzle killed to finally take down manscape man. Every time Heath brings up this joke,

I feel like I need to clarify for anyone. Cause it's so fucking insane. It's important to me. Who did the wool dasher missile kill to take down? We will get the high fake. Pay attention to your own ads, man. God,

the high Fagot. Oh yeah. I remember that fight. Okay, cool. Yeah, got it. So the board itself expressed concerns about being dubbed anti-Christian

if they did pass a noise ordinance because of, I assume, the long history in rural Tennessee of persecuting Protestantism. And because of the ubiquity of Christian immunity to laws, the deputy felt the need to clarify that, quote, the sheriff's department, if we're asked to, we will enforce any law or any ordinance by this commission, end quote. And sure enough within minutes of this clip being posted online greg lock started screaming persecution and vowed to break

the law that didn't even exist yet when a local news affiliate posted the clip lock responded with a baffling comment that insisted they were not loud that they were only loud because they met in a tent rather than a church and that they were intentionally loud and everybody else can fuck off. And perhaps realizing that this was a bit contradictory, he added a far pithier all-caps response that simply read, Revival is not quiet! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, siren emoji, flame emoji. Okay, everything he says in his life

is the beginning of a messy couples fight in public. Including what he's typing, apparently. You know he's in his life is the beginning of a messy couples fight in public. Including what he's typing, apparently. You know he's in public. No, I will not keep my voice down. Siren emoji, flame emoji. 44 creams

and 19 sugars. Okay, now I'm picturing Greg Locke rolling around with himself in an Applebee's parking lot and you're like, winter gets to fuck my wife. So yeah, he's loud

and irritating and according to one of the commissioners at the meeting lock services quote will rattle your windows of your car if you're anywhere near end quote but we're talking about a guy who literally banned masks at the overpacked services that he held in the middle of the goddamn pandemic so something tells me that concern for the comfort of the community isn't going to be enough to convince him to quiet down. So here's hoping that they pass this ordinance and arrest him for it, if for no other reason

than the bright pink tirade video that we'll get to see in response. God, it's so good. Can't wait. It's all coming together. Yeah, wait. And finally tonight, we have some good news

and some bad news about Marjorie Taylor Greene. The good news, she tried to do a big photo op in honor of the fucking Confederacy and she missed because she's an imbecile. The bad news, MTG is being seriously considered by Donald Trump as a potential running mate in 2024. And that's insane. So, okay, I guess it might actually be good news depending on how you look at it, depending on how it works out. But it all contains the context that we live in a universe where Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald Trump are both viable candidates in a national election.

Yeah, right. Like, yeah, as much fun as it is to think about Kamala Harris going toe to toe with the gazpacho police lady. What's good for skeptocrat headlines tends not to be good for the country. That's a really good rule of thumb. Acknowledged, but gentlemen,

I'm sorry I have to disagree. Sometimes the bit is just too good not to be worth it. Come on, Madge Tadge Kedge, you can do this. V, V, V, V, V, V.

So, according to Robert Draper of the New York Times Magazine, the possibility of MTG being Trump's running mate has been discussed repeatedly within Trump's campaign team since the beginning of this year. And apparently MTG has three qualities that are very important to Donald Trump. One is loyalty. So, you know, after Mike Pence refused to help overthrow American democracy with this one

simple trick trump's been looking for other options the second quality is her fundraising ability and most importantly she seems to understand the key to american politics which is of course very confident lying or as draper puts it she's cognizant of the fact that the attention economy rewards hyperbole. Yeah. Yeah. Also worth pointing out that they're looking for a new person because Trump won't run with Pence again.

Right. So like Pence, on the other hand, would sign back onto the ticket with the guy who literally tried to have him hanged for failing to overthrow the government on his behest in a heartbeat. Right. Honestly, I'll be shocked if Mike Pence isn't hauled off stage of the first debate by security while wearing a blonde wig and screaming is this what you want donald is this what you need me to be pence i heard claimed he might run he did a little winky thing at a at a talk at georgetown where a bunch of people walked out because you know know, he's a bigot. But there was a Q&A

at the end and somebody asked like, oh, would you vote for Donald Trump? And he's like, well, there might be another candidate I like even better. Wink. And that was him saying, maybe I'm going to run myself. We'll see. Yeah, but it won't matter. I'm running too, Mike.

Yeah, exactly. You and Ron DeSantis You can get your own little cart together Oh Ron is way too realistic Yeah okay so back to the MTG story Maybe she is cognizant Of the attention economy rewarding hyperbole But there's no way

She's cognizant of what that sentence I just said means She gets confused by soup And pull ups And very small dishes for a tree cognizant of what that sentence I just said means. Nope. She gets confused by soup and pull-ups and very small dishes for a tree. And I guess that explains the other part of her story this week. MTG decided that she wanted to celebrate the Confederate failed states of America

by visiting one of their many monuments in Georgia. And like I said before, she missed. FDG posted on Truth Social Donald Trump's thing. Tonight, I stopped at the Wilder Monument in Chickamauga, Georgia, which honors the Confederate soldiers of

the Wilder Brigade. I will always defend our nation's history. And she included some photos she took at the monument, which is the monument, which is a monument to be clear for the union army. Yep. Yeah. She's standing there.

See, they even had a bunch of black friends. Wait a second. Yeah. She tried to find a Confederate monument in Georgia and failed. Just statistically, that's so hard to do. It's almost impressive. Yeah.

And there had to be a plaque up there somewhere, right? I'm like 50-50. She just doesn't read and is a member of Congress. The Lea Michele effect. There are six things in all of Georgia that aren't racist. And she managed to find one of them. So hard. Two are Lucinda.

Yeah. And with that reminder of my suffering, we're going to close the headlines out for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll be reminded how convoluted and indirect Satan's plan really is. Like a panda

had sex with Bishop Desmond Tutu. Excellent animal and pre-2000s reference. We love those. Thank you. All right, you go. Weird Al Yankovic and... Damn it. Who's that guy who sat on his balls?

It's Mr. Belvedere. You got to know this stuff, man. Don't you think I know that he... Hey, guys. Guys, what are you doing? Oh, hey, no, we're just getting ready for Vulgarity for Charity. What's Vulgarity for Charity? Vulgarity for Charity is our annual charity drive

that is jointly produced by Puzzle in the Thunderstorm and Cognitive Dissonance Podcasts, the collaborators on Citation Needed. It runs from November 1st through Thanksgiving, and it benefits Modest Needs, a tax-exempt charity that gives emergency grants to folks who are at risk of slipping into poverty and for whom no other source of immediate help is available. Wow. I bet a bunch of folks could use that kind of help these days. They sure could, Noah. Plus, Modest Needs negotiates directly

with who folks owe money to and contributes from its own general fund. So it saves the people they help money and cuts out the sketchiness that can happen with other fundraising websites. I mean, that sounds like a great charity and everything, but what's in it for me? I'm so glad you asked, Noah, because that's where we and our friends in the podcast diverse come in. All you have to do is donate $50 or more to modestneeds.org, and you can ask us to roast the person of your choice. That's right. It can be a politician. It can be your racist Uncle Steve,

or even just the concept of capitalism. Just send proof of your donation to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. That's vulgarity for, the word, not the number, charity at gmail.com, along with who you'd like us to roast, and you can get the asshole of your choice the roasting they deserve. Don't forget to include a picture if the person isn't famous. And let us know who you want to do the roast.

That sounds great, guys, but is there any way you can guarantee that your roast makes it on air? You sure can. We'll be choosing 100 random donors and our top 100 donors. So if you donate, you can either give us a lot of money or donate as soon as possible when November 1st rolls around. That's right. Early donors have a much better chance of being randomly selected.

Once again, that's 50 bucks to modestneeds.org. Send the proof to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and let us irritate with ire the idiots who irritate. Okay, he's doing the alliteration again irritate twice it is that time of year though i guess at least he didn't write it in the script for me to say because that's how you talk okay technically it should be consonants it is yeah it's not alliteration anymore if it's false vowel ration assonance?

One of the first indications I had that Christianity was fucking dumb came when I was a kid in the form of grown adults warning me about the demonic dangers of wearing a Ninja Turtles mask and getting free Reese's Cups. Well, it turns out they still haven't grown out of being afraid of their own goddamn holiday, which we're going to see once again in this week's installment of God Awful Minis. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Five Halloween Alternatives for Christmas. We watched five Halloween alternatives for Christians. It's a very dark sci-fi noir about an early prototype of a preaching robot.

Pat. Doing his best to survive while he laments the inevitable march of obsolescence and death. Oh, God. This guy was so fired from the Hall of Presidents. Oh, yeah. And Eli. Plus alternatives for Halloween. How bad was this mini?

Well, if you get those ads on Facebook about an AI presentation robot you can use for your company and you were wondering what its worst possible use could be put to, you will love this movie. This four-minute video, Ghost Places Under the Skin, wasn't brave enough to go to. Yes.

All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with best worst. We watch a guy fail the Turing test in a video. Yep. Really badly.

Best worst Turing test results. Sure. Yeah. So I was going to go with best worst blackjack test results sure yeah so I was going to go with best worst blackjack and hookers right so the entire idea behind this video is you don't need Halloween we've got our own Halloween it's even better than the other and

everything that he says is just so sad if you imagine someone doing any of this shit and like looking outside and seeing kids in costumes with big bags full of candy. It's just so sad. Yeah. Let's have a Reformation Day party

instead in their face. And I'm going to go with best worst child endangerment, right? Half of these tips are just going to be go get your ass kicked, kids. Go get your ass kicked hard by people and on the night of anonymity get out there and pick a bunch of fights kids yeah right well everybody's wearing

a mask good call all right so let's dive right in we're gonna start this video off without preamble which is rough because when you look as weird as this fucking guy you want to ease people into your visage right okay right away he shows up i feel like he's gonna murder me in this furniture showroom at the hallmark store where he lives in this dungeon of that it's terrifying he looks like roblox's first attempt to make a guy yeah right like roblox all got together he looks like a nintendo me character yes like like an alien tried to dress up as a human christian using a nintendo wii to build himself yes yes his shirt says blessed but his face says cursed yeah also in the background of his sad little background studio thing he's got this hotel painting and it makes me so sad because, you know, he was walking through the Hobby Lobby and saw that on the nine ninety nine shelf and was like, ah, yes, art.

I shall take one art for my home. One art, please. I like that. It looks like a fruit thing. Yeah. So he starts off by warning us that Halloween comes from a devil holiday from pagans yeah and as he does that he shows like he needs an example of a devil holiday from pagans so he shows this dude like dressed up as a skeleton kind of or whatever and my first note here is use a less fuckable

satanic skeleton guy as your example bro right because we're coming straight off a hymn right so it's like i'm christianity here's satanism like i want to fuck satanism yeah halloween is based on sowin the ancient gaelic festival in which people would make music videos for 1980s power ballads and a very steam and smoke rising from everywhere for no reason how the the fuck did he find that? He says, and I quote, that Halloween has quote, no redeemable qualities as far as the gospel is concerned and doesn't glorify God in any way, shape, or form.

Yeah. Nothing about rising from the dead in the gospels. No. Or ghosts or anything. Yeah. Imagine looking at your calendar and being like, hmm, does Wednesday glorify God and not following that up like, hmm, does Wednesday glorify God and not following that up with, oh, I am mentally unwell.

Yeah. I am unwell. But luckily he has a few alternatives for us to avoid that satanic devil day. But before we get to those, please like and subscribe. You'll see there's a little button. Oh my God.

His channel is called Bible Flock Box. What the fuck is that? Yeah. Great SEO for me, but pretty bad for him I would imagine. He has over half a million subscribers though, I checked. That's absurd. This video has 24,000 views though. I feel like he

bought himself some subscribers, okay? I probably did. Although I will say some of the other videos include five facts Jehovah's Witnesses don't want you to know. Also, the miracle of turning water into wine

explained. And for reasons Christians should never drink alcohol. That seems contradictory to that. Confusing. And then he generates engagement, right? He's like, and hey, Never drink alcohol, which seems contradictory to that. Yeah. And then he generates engagement, right? He's like, and hey, why not tell me what you're doing for Halloween instead

of Halloween in the comments that I wrote in my notes. Is it cry? Because I feel like this guy's going to cry. I feel like you write in the comments and then he's like, she's a witch. Got you. Yeah, right. Yeah. Needless to say, my comment was removed of when i was so then he gets to his alternatives he's got five of them for us technically

so we start off with alternative one celebrate reformation day this is the day that germany sets aside to remember how hard catholics can go fuck themselves okay but he's he's like germany does it okay not all of germany nine sixteenths of germany a percentage of germany does it well if the germans do it it can't be bad right yeah okay but reformation did that's when protestantism happened as a split from cantholicism this is a celebration of that time that you know we got rid of doing good things in real reality and we made heaven all about magic thinking only that's the celebration he's describing yeah right yeah remember that time in 1517 when martin luther touched off religious violence and persecution so intractable it would spill into the 21st century let's

celebrate that. And I just have to point out that the way he says excommunicated makes it feel like this is his first time having a mouth on camera. Like Mark Lahr came over and was like, they have mouths, Gar-Klar. You need a mouth. And he was like,

I don't know how to fucking use this. Excommunicated. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Got it. Is is it wet in here is it wet in the mouth i'd say i wrote like his cadence is like he thinks he's rhyming but he's not or something and then so he gives us this little the history of the reformation which is really weird because he doesn't mention the violence at all nope right it Right. It's basically ends with. And that little reformations name was Albert Einstein. But then we get my favorite fucking part of this video. And it's tough to choose.

This is where he's like, if you would like to learn more, you can buy the movie Luther. And then he teaches us how to buy the movie Luther. Yes. You go to Amazon dot com. It's a website. Yes. You go to Amazon.com It's a website. Right. You click it and then you DVD or a Blu-ray. That's all the options I'm going to offer. Those are the options

that you get at Amazon. Yes, exactly. And then he goes, and this is the best. Order it now and you will have it by Halloween. Yeah. And the actors will talk the lines with mouths, I think. But yeah, you can watch that on Reformation Day. It gave you something to do

while everybody else is dressing up, eating candy and enjoying their existence. And that brings us to alternative number two. And believe it or not, the first one was the high point, right? That was the best it ever got because alternative number two is to hand out Bible tr fuck yes face so hard ah well halloween's a great

opportunity because the non-christians come to you you don't have to knock on their door you can annoy them on your own porch for a change yes oh god Oh, God, that's so much worse. Bible tracts on Halloween are so much worse than razor blades and candy, right? Oh, my God. I would love a razor blade and candy rather than a Bible tract. You know what? I'm giving out fucking great pumpkin tracts next year. That's what I'm doing.

That's my Halloween. Okay. Well, he actually suggests, I would argue, something worse than razor blades and candy because then you get candy. He's like, oh yeah, you can give out the tracts and also you know, fucking raisins or apples like an asshole, like a goddamn monster.

A healthy snack. But resentfully, he's like, yeah, and I guess if you want to give out healthy snacks, you can as well. And I'm like, oh, can we give out Nutri-Grain bars as well? I'm sorry, did you you think how many eggs did you want to cover your fucking house in my guy and a certain place you don't live in a house you live in an omelet yeah but oh by the way he will also happily sell us bible tracts that you can

disappoint children with on your own that's the rocks gave Charlie Brown were to throw at this asshole. This guy's, yes, he's the season finale for sure. He tries to sell a thing, again, we're like 45 seconds in and now he's the second time he's trying to sell something to make a nickel on his affiliate link through Amazon.

You can buy the harassment kits. Don't answer yet. Links to all that below So shitty That said, I would love for this guy to live in my neighborhood My neighborhood Alright kids, you enjoyed those comic books I think you find them very inspiring

Hey Oh, hello I'm not sure if you remember me I was by like 20 minutes ago with my son oh yes no of course i remember yeah so i got a chance to look at your comic book thing that you gave him and i wanted to bring it back to you oh you're not interested uh no no i'm not but i did wipe my ass on every page just oh every single page there. So if you see, as you go through, you'll see, I just wiped my ass on every single page of this book you gave my son. And now,

and now, and this is really important. I want you to have it. Oh, that is disgusting. Yeah, it is. It is. It's almost as bad as telling a child they're going to burn in fire for eternity. Hey, at least this isn't what my wife wanted to do to you man i mean trust me this is better is that her jumping up and down on my car now that is her correct that is her and okay so by now he's clearly running out of ideas because alternative three is outdoor evangelism. As opposed to the indoor evangelism he recommended for alternative two.

I swear, I thought that alternative four was going to be like outdoor evangelism on one foot, you know, in a hat. Swimming pool. Here on earth where we all live, lots of people are outside of buildings on Halloween. So they're not protected from you by their buildings where they reside. Here on earth as humans, we all are.

Yeah, so many people are out. You can draw a much larger crowd. You could even triple it and still have zero people listening. Yeah, definitely go out on Halloween and try to draw a crowd with some evangelism. I love that idea for you. I love it. Put on a Christian play. A Christian play!

I cannot think of anything that would bring me more joy than encountering a Christian play at Halloween while wearing a mask. I want to see this guy line up a shitload of people and then try to jump over a line of kids just really bad.

He hurts himself. He hurts a couple of the kids. The kids, yeah. Anyway, here's a pocket Bible. He closes it. He says, you know, you can put on a Christian play in the park. And then he adds, he's like, just make sure you get permission from the proper officials of your planet. Yeah, right. Are those officials' voices

in your head the galactic i mean the regular the this one here just regular lactic mayor so then we get alternative four which is learn about halloween right so i like i feel like it's leading up to watch this video on repeat all night to up my view count it's only only 24,000. I have 500,000 subscribers. Okay, but to be clear, he means learn how to be a well-researched bigot. Yes. That's what he means.

Okay. And as though he was playing into our bit about him being an alien, this is a real quote from the video and it haunts me. It haunts me.

Tell your family about Halloween if you have one. Yes. Yep. He sure does. I thought he was going to follow up with like, I have one. They he sure does i thought he was gonna follow up with like i have one they're made out of meat like me to me and everything but yeah no he wants you to learn all about the pagan roots of halloween that way you won't look

stupid when you tell people that halloween is going to cause a goat demon to corrupt the ghost that drives their body. Sure, yeah. Okay, now we're like three minutes in, and he tries to sell another thing. There's a graphic of how to like and subscribe to his channel and give him money, theoretically. But he's talking through it. It's just like there's a mouse moving, so we learn, oh, talking through it. It's just like, there's a mouse moving. So we

learn, oh, you, you, you do it by clicking with the mouse. Oh, you move the mouse with a little arrow. I was wondering what this little arrow did. Yeah. But yes, part of learning about Halloween is watching his other videos, which is another thing that you could do instead. I have videos about Halloween. This is one of them. Yeah, you're watching one, so you probably know. Your eyes remain moist without a touch of the tongue. So just continue to watch.

And then we get alternative number five. Tell inspiring stories. This is the fucking best. The last alternative is literally tell people that you're happy. You're not going to costume parties and eating candy. Okay, but we could actually trick this guy into doing this, right?

If we wrote him an email and we were like, hey, we live in your area, which is lie and say we live. He would invite us into his house and start to tell us about how much he loves. He would fly back to earth and go back into that bunker to do it. Yes. Yeah. No, he's like, it's like telling scary stories, but for cowards. Yeah.

So he also says at this point, this is a quote, Halloween has pagan roots revolving around superstitious beliefs about ghosts. Like, do you don't hear it? You don't hear it. Really? Turn this negative into a positive by telling the story of our ghost thing.

And so at the end of this too, he tries to summarize his five points, but he forgets number four. He forgets the learning about Halloween. So even he's not paying attention to this bullshit. He's repeating his five things like a like a middle school essay with like the preponderance of evidence but then he forgets one of his evidences that were in the preponderance yeah yeah yeah that said i would love to go to this guy's house this guy

he thank you so much for accepting my invitation to come over and hear positive stories about the Lord Yeah, yeah, I lost a bet with a co-worker, so Yeah, here I am Wonderful, I do have co-workers at my job that I have on Earth They sure are Mondays What? Before we begin, may I interest you in some hydrogen? I have on earth. They sure are Mondays. What? Before we begin, may I interest you in some hydrogen?

I have fresh tank. Sorry, hydrogen? The element? Yes, I was under him. Yeah, I, I don't we, I like hydrogen

to, for drinking. Do you mean water? Yes, water. Yes, the hydrogen is for the water recipe. What is your water recipe? Hey man, are you an alien?

Very much so, yes. And that's it. That's the whole video. He says, and if you liked this video, and I'm like, okay, I don't have to keep watching that anymore. This is not for me. This part. This part is for some other guy.

And he plugs the affiliate link to buy the DVD from Amazon one more time. Yes. Well, I'll tell you what. Judging by my suggested videos on YouTube, we haven't seen the last of PreachBot2000, but the rest will have to wait until another. God Awful Minis. But the rest will have to wait until another God awful many. Before we prepare for landing, I want to thank everybody in advance that's coming to see us in Manchester,

England this weekend, going to be a hell of a time. And if you can't make it there, we promise to try to be closer to you next time. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed Day, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't convert

the audio until I thank Heath Enright for Heath-ing, Lucinda Lusions for Lucinding, and Eli Bosnick for E-lying. Wow, he really gets the shit out of that stick, doesn't he? Whoops. I also want to thank Tressa for providing this week's unusually salacious Farnsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds,

Mary Rose, Seth Conrad, Kyle, Brittany, Samuel, and quote, I escaped hellscapes of Russia to continue giving you money, end quote. Mary Rose, Seth, and Conrad, whose might is so mighty it's been promoted to shall. Kyle, Brittany, and Samuel,

whose IQs are so high they have to put lights on them to warn air traffic, and somebody who escaped Russia, who is too badass for hyperbolic compliments to even work on them. And as flattered as we are, we suspect you had other motivations for getting out of Russia, too. Still, I'm glad that you did. Together, these seven savory secularists secured our sacrilegious screeds to the several simoleons this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the income, inclination, and apparently escapability it takes to give us money,

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