The Scathing Atheist - 511: Putting the Dumb in Wisdom Edition

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

In this week’s episode, Christians once again put the mass in mass shooting, Marjorie Taylor Greene commits a war crime on a Thanksgiving turkey, and a creationist gets sentenced to more years in prison than he thinks there are in history. --- Come see God Awful Movies live in Seattle! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-seattle-tickets-477540836497 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Get tickets to see Noah at FreeFlo in Orlando here: https://www.freeflo.org/ Check out Joe Mudak’s books here (NSFW): https://www.amazon.com/Joe-Mudak/e/B00BXMK8DI --- Headlines: Christians react despicably (and predictably) to Club Q shooting: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/christian-lawyer-jenna-ellis-the-club-q-victims-are-probably-burning-in-hell/ and https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/christian-hate-preacher-aaron-thompson-club-q-shooting-good-thing/ and https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/vandals-sprayed-graffiti-at-focus-on-the-family-headquarters/ Survey: ‘Highly religious Americans’ are the biggest climate deniers: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/survey-highly-religious-americans-climate-change-deniers/ Marjorie Taylor Greene tried to talk to trans kids and failed miserably: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/11/marjorie-taylor-greene-tried-talk-trans-kids-failed-miserably Marjorie Taylor Greene makes the WORST TURKEY EVER: https://www.newsweek.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-jokes-sharing-photo-meal-twitter-1762531 Turkish creationist sentenced to 8000+ years in prison: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/turkish-creationist-adnan-oktar-sentenced-to-8658-years-in-prison/ Anti-grooming candidate lost teaching job after accusations of inappropriate relationship: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/11/anti-grooming-candidate-lost-teaching-job-accusations-inappropriate-relationship-kids/ Catholic-owned gelato shop in AL bans phones, cursing, and bare shoulders: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/catholic-villaggio-colafrancesco-gelato-bans-phones-cursing-and-bare-shoulders/

Warning, the following podcast fucks. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new substitute for long-term care, Episcopalietive Care. It's like palliative care, except it's imaginary and we don't take it all that seriously. Episcopalietive Care. I'm literally just describing offering thoughts and prayers. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Joe Mudak, author of dozens of erotic e-books,

such as Women's Lubrication Movement, The Bimbonic Plague, and In for a Penny, In for a Pounding. And I'm here to tell you that we did, in fact, evolve from some very filthy, very horny monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's December 1st. And Heath has COVID. Tontine, baby.

Okay, if I start to die, I demand you do jumping jacks. I will not go first. That's fair. That is fair. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Danny DeVito's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, Christians once again put the mass in mass shooting. Marjorie Taylor Greene commits a war crime on a Thanksgiving turkey. And a creationist gets sentenced to more years in prison than he thinks there are in history. But first, the diatribe. Well, the opening salvos and this year's war on Christmas have been fired, I know, because I was there to see it. On Monday, I was at the mall, and as I walked by the kiosk that sells phone cases, the dude there said happy holidays to me. Which, as we all know, is just another of saying fuck jesus and his stupid birthday and as we stood there amid the christmas decorations and the

christmas sales with christmas music wafting in around us under the shadow of the santa pavilion we shared a conspiratorial cackle about how secular this time of year has become i mean honestly this whole war on christmas, like that is a perfect microcosm of everything wrong with American Christians right now, isn't it? It's based on a bigoted knee-jerk resistance to inclusivity. It's a long overdue challenge to their privilege that they've mislabeled as persecution. It's an imaginary fear that would be inconsequential even if it was real. It's rooted in spite, anger, and pettiness. It's an artificial paranoia concocted by Fox News to retain viewership. That list could be applied to damn near any political motive

that stirs up evangelicals, right? And look, even as a person who spent nearly a decade pointing to this as a red flag about where the Christian mindset was, I wildly underestimated how scared we should have been about it. Because let's be clear about what happened here, right? So a bunch of progressive-minded people started to realize how alienated they would feel if they were part of a religious minority that didn't celebrate Christmas and were surrounded by all this Christmas shit for like six weeks a year, right? They realized that the ubiquitous greeting, Merry Christmas every time you went anywhere,

was unnecessarily exclusionary when there was a perfectly good and already broadly used and recognized alternative sitting right there in Happy Holidays, right? So on the holiday that's ostensibly about peace on earth and goodwill towards men, just men, even their aspirational phrases betray their bigotry, but still. But on that day, people decided to send a more inclusive, more international, their bigotry, but still. But on that day, people decided to send a more inclusive, more international, more peaceful, more goodwillful message, and Christians got angry. We've been in this boiling pot the whole time, so it's easy to lose track of what a dick move that is. I mean, not to be grandiose here, but the conscious decision to move towards happy holidays was literally a message of love and unity. It was a way for a Christian centric culture to recognize the feelings of the 23 million Americans that don't celebrate Christmas and the, you know, whatever, 55 percent of humanity that doesn't.

And before we could fully extend that olive branch, those motherfuckers side tackled us. The end result, of course, is that the minorities that this change was all about in the first place are now even more alienated than they'd have been if we had just said merry christmas the whole time because feeling like you're not welcome in the wider culture probably doesn't hurt quite as bad as being explicitly told that you're not welcome in the wider culture more so being told that your influence is an existential threat to the wider culture that including you is somehow an act of war against the status quo war they use that fucking word and perhaps seeking to head off the charge that they're frothing mad over something as basic as fucking recognizing other people's feelings they try to pretend that we're the angry ones in this right i remember arguing with my dad about

this and his entire framing of the argument no no doubt gleaned from Fox News coverage, was that he just couldn't imagine why anybody would be offended by Merry Christmas. Even if you don't celebrate the holidays, surely you want to have a merry 25th of December, don't you? But that's a perversion of the actual fight that's happening. Our side was never offended. It wasn't about being offended on our side. It was about being inclusive. If we're angry at anything, it's that you pushed back against that goal. You're the ones motivated by anger.

I mean, you know, the fucking lines are blurred at this point because these days you assholes are often saying Merry Christmas out of spite. And sure, that pisses me off. But certainly not how it started. That wasn't the motive in the first place. That's certainly not how it started. That wasn't the motive in the first place. But that's the important thing to bear in mind when it comes time to adjudicate this at your family dinner or the break room at work or whatever. Where our side was motivated by joy and goodwill, theirs was motivated by despair and hostility. And that's just yet more evidence that we never should have trusted them with this holiday in the first place.

They're talking about you, Jesus. Interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the draw against Wales and the draw against England on my win against Iran, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to kick the Netherlands ass? Okay, I'm not even sure they really exist. It sounds made up. It sounds like the most made up lie name for a country. Right.

Okay, no lie. I looked up what the slur is for the Dutch in the racial slur database that is on the internet. I'm really not happy that that's the case. It is. It is. And the slur for Dutch people that I found is cloggy. Okay.

I almost said something very close to cloggy there. It's cloggy. I will be throwing that one around a lot. This is the hill I get canceled on. Cloggy. A lot of cloggies getting thrown around on this podcast.

And speaking of good news and insults, the totals are in. We are excited to share this year's grand total for Vulgarity for Charity. We dialed back our expectations a bit this year, given the state of the economy and everything, but it turns out we didn't need to because y'all came through for us yet again. With the match, we were able to raise a staggering $400,848.48.

Our goal was 300 grand, guys. You smashed it. So thanks for that. And look for more insults coming soon. Especially if you're a cloggy. See? Yeah, no, it's going to be everywhere. It's here to stay.

Anyway, in our lead story tonight. Making a character. Last week, I had to apologize to the international listeners for dedicating the diatribe to something almost entirely American. And this week, I'm going to have to apologize in the same vein for the lead story. But instead of Thanksgiving, this time, the almost uniquely American subject is a mass shooting. U.S. Oh, no. Yeah, right. Sorry to transition straight from good news to tragedy, but that's what I'm going to have to do, because on the night of November 19th, the eve of the Trans Day of Remembrance, a 22 year old homophobe in Colorado Springs, Colorado, burst into an LGBTQ nightclub called Club Q and started shooting. Five people were killed and another 25 were injured.

violent invective of Christian leaders was a major cause of the shooting, Christian leaders have spent the intervening week and a half unapologetically reminding us of that with ever more violent invective. Okay, American Christianity is terrorism. That's what it is. It's stochastic terrorism. If you're making me say things like, okay, but Gitmo has a few good uses. I can think of them. You're doing something wrong that has to end forever.

You have to go out forever. Yeah. If the cost of grandma not feeling sad about death is mass shootings, maybe grandma should just be sad about death. Yeah, there you go. She's fucking sad. It's not that bad. You know, it turned out she was sad any fucking way.

Yeah, so, of course, whenever we talk about this on the show, somebody's going to write in to tell us that our examples are too fringe to be relevant. That, yes, there's a lot of homophobia and transphobia and Christianity, but the celebratory and violent reactions, those are confined to the periphery. Right. So let me start this reaction off from one Jenna Ellis, former legal advisor to the former goddamn fucking president. So, you know, not exactly on the outskirts of power here. Fairly prominent. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She bemoaned the coverage of the event focusing on the tragedy of the shooting itself and not the aftermath. Specifically, the part where the five fatalities burn in hell for eternity. Quote, the five people who were killed in the nightclub that night, is no evidence at all that they were christian and so assuming that they have not accepted the truth of the gospel of jesus and affirm jesus crashed as the lord of their life they are reaping the consequences of having eternal damnation and that is far far greater and we should be having that conversation end quote yeah yeah notice how she doesn't feel the need to point out That same thing When there's like a mass shooting

At Walmart Right So That whole Germany thing Happened Nobody's having the conversation About where those Ghost people went

I'm just asking questions I'm trying to calibrate Our set These are the questions Yeah And yet When I set up a galonometer To measure the urine

At Jenna's grave When she dies I'm gonna be the bad guy so it's like you know you can't win yeah i leader meter definitely works better there i'm oh leader may see that yeah embarrass me on it metric is always better so yeah and so in case by the way that that's not vicious enough for you we also got a sermon read hate screed from Aaron Thompson of the sure foundation Baptist church in Vancouver, Washington, in which he insisted that the shooting was a quote good thing because it meant that the victims were quote, not here anymore to molest kids and quote.

And while it's easy to write off any effort by a Christian preacher to accuse somebody else of molesting kids as an example of Bugs Bunny's what's over there technique. It's important to remember that this is exactly the kind of vitriol that leads to violent acts against the LGBTQ community. Exactly. Every

right-wing accusation is a confession. Everything these people say should get reported to the police through an opposite day filter as a rule. Right. Oh, wow. That guy's molesting. He said it.

So. Yeah, right. So but there was one good reaction that I wanted to highlight, and that came in the form of vandalism. Now, while we here at Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC don't officially condone vandalizing Christian institutions or think it's a super awesome thing that super cool people do. Christian institutions or think it's a super awesome thing that super cool people do. I can't help but feel sympathy with whoever it was that spray painted their blood is on your hands. Five lives taken on the sign out in front of the focus on the family's Colorado Springs headquarters.

That's literally true. That's just a factual thing. Well, yes. And in case you weren't convinced, the vandals also provided a letter of explanation through the Colorado People's Press, drawing attention to the group's long support for homophobia, transphobia, and white supremacy. Okay, so here's another true statement, just above nothing. Everyone who works at Focus on the Family goes out in public sometimes. And, no, that's the end of my thought. Yeah, no, it's true. You have to be allowed to say true things.

That is a very legal thing to think. One last piece of good news. A veteran and a trans woman took the shooter's gun and beat the shit out of him so badly that he couldn't be charged for three days while he was in the hospital. Obviously, not worth it, but the dude's mugshot looks like he

tried to give a cat a pill and you get to celebrate what you can. No, it's worth looking up. So, yeah, tragic as this event is, it's nice to see that some people are making an effort to shine a light on the groups that are responsible. I just wish those people included the goddamn mainstream press. That'd be great.

Who still seems to have the words radical Christian terrorism locked away in a fucking safe somewhere and in the mountain we climb it news solid one of the apologetics you hear quite a bit when you talk about the harms of religion for a living is a thing i like to call the pocket of stupid right these are people who will tell you just because i'm a christian doesn't mean i believe in x or my christian beliefs actually make me support y and as though you've never heard of lying before right because just because i believe one stupid thing doesn't mean i'm more likely to believe in other stupid things isn't just blatantly untrue even if it

were true it's not the brag that people think it is. And we got even more evidence of the untrue truthiness of that this week as a new Pew report tells us that highly religious are the worst worried about climate change. Okay, that's weird phrasing. But yes, in a sense,

religious people are the worst worried about everything. They worry wrong every single goddamn time. Yeah. Well, so, but there's an important takeaway here too. Like if you find yourself in a group where admitting that you're part of the group in public, like forces you to then feel like you have to say like, you know, that you believe also, but I do believe in thermometers, for example. Maybe you re-examine the membership that got you there in the first place.

No? You think? You know. example maybe you re-examine the membership that got you there in the first place no you think you know so folks were asked to agree or disagree with three statements about god's relationship to the climate the first was the earth is sacred and only 68 of highly religious people agreed with that leaving this podcaster to question where the fuck 32% of highly religious people think is sacred. If not the earth. Well, heaven for eternity, I think.

Yeah. So I'd say 68% of those people are liars. The place you go before eternity is mathematically zero in sacred importance. It's equal to zero, right? Yeah. It's a fucking lobby with baby cancer. Yeah.

No, I've seen it compared to the celestial welcome mat, but I guess in Christianity's case, it had there has to be like a question mark after welcome, but other than that, yeah. And the mat has baby cancer, just to reiterate. Right. That's a crazy mat. Where did you get that?

More of a celestial pop quiz than anything. Yeah, exactly. So moving on, 92% of highly religious people completely or mostly agree that God gave humans a duty to protect and care for the earth. But only 42% of highly religious people believe that climate change is a very serious problem. So maybe they're like shitty house sitters like like they know it's their job to watch it but they're not gonna like water the plants or whatever and then of course finally just 39 of highly religious people believe

that the earth is getting warmer because of human activity, or to put it more succinctly, 39% of highly religious people are fucking stupid. No, no, a hundred percent of highly religious people are, are fucking stupid. At least on that one subject, 39% are also joining in on the stupidity of this other subject too,

is what we've learned. Yeah. So in conclusion, believing dumb stuff makes you dumber. And when Christians point out that they believe themselves to be the exception to that rule,

they are almost always not. So maybe, as Noah said, just stop being wrong about the one thing you're wrong about rather than talking about how right you are about the things

you're not wrong about. It seems pretty simple to me. There's a solution. And in Turkey in the Raw news. That'll make sense when I get to it. Marjorie Taylor Greene. She got some advice from a PR expert in, you know, nice sounding bigotry, which is extra insidious.

Her new message is speaking directly to trans kids and telling them to stop being trans because they're perfect already. But they're also trans already. Yeah, it's confusing for her. Also, match-tash-catch, your entire religion, nay, the very primal fear from whence your religion springs is,

no, they're not perfect already they need the love of your invisible friend whose son is also him that's your whole thing match your whole thing so here's the exact words from mtg she tweeted quote if you're under 18 and people are telling you to cut off your breast or have a surgery that turns your penis inside out to make a vagina, you're a victim of child abuse. Is that how it works? I don't think that's how it works. Continuing, get away from those people and find safe people who tell you that you're already perfect. End quote. Okay, but I'm telling you something's wrong with you and you should avoid

people who tell you something's wrong with you look she accidentally got it right which is the only way in which she ever gets it right so way to go mtg i guess yeah also hey credit where credit's due if you know someone who's stupid enough to think gender affirming surgery is turning your penis inside out you should avoid that person whether or not they're supportive that that person is a cenobite actually so they are they're not on your side and just for the record bottom surgery is not performed on minors and top surgery is only performed on minors under very rare conditions. Also, for the record, breast augmentation surgery for minors is way more common. So you're perfect, except God made a bunch of breasts that are too small.

Otherwise perfect. So obviously she's a bigot and a hypocrite and an idiot or some combination of those. Nothing new. But I had an ulterior motive for talking about MTG this week. Here it is. I knew it was gonna come up cooked the most revolting thanksgiving turkey i've ever seen and then proudly posted about it on twitter

there's a picture right here for you why did she put up the picture yeah no it looks like a fucking xenomorph with albinism yeah it looks like it wipes front to back. Embarrassing. And along with her disgusting white-ass turkey that she clearly forgot to thaw, just so very clearly that was frozen when it went into the goddamn oven. Along with that,

MTG added an explanation that her son can easily beat up a turkey and kill it, assuming her son has an assault rifle, and that's an important life skill that she's very proud of that her son has. So obviously the internet very quickly roasted her ball of salmonella tartar that she made. And then she tried to fix it with another picture.

This time it was a leg of, I think, venison that is, it's not looking good. No. It's like she left it on a dashboard. It's rough. There's supposed to hoof on it. Like her legit response to people making fun of a redneck cooking acumen

was to post a picture of some roasted roadkill. Yeah. Really? See, this is what I always say. Everyone always makes fun of the Bosnian family nut loaf was to post a picture of some roasted roadkill. Yeah. Really? See? See, this is what I always say. Everyone always makes fun of the Bosnic family nut loaf until you remember that the same half of the country that voted for Donald Trump gets to decide the cooking temperature

of raw meat once a year. Okay? Got to call that Turkey safety hotline. I forget the numbers. So, yeah. The veiled hate tweet from MTG. It's the kind of nonsense word salad that's going to make the bigots,

especially the Christian ones, feel confident in saying their hate speech out loud, probably over the holidays. And that's because it's a non-compliment. It's horrible bigotry, but it sounds like they're trying for a compliment in their head. And also because it taps into

the absurd worldview that God created everyone perfectly, even though, as Eli pointed out, it's the opposite of that. But that's all fucking stupid. Of course, nobody's perfect, but the way we deal with that is we all have medical procedures sometimes and medicine to help with whatever

ails us. Hopefully, everyone sees through this bullshit and these bigots have severe consequences. Yeah. Well, and barring severe ones, at least that they're condemned to eat this fucking mayonnaise sandwich of a turkey every year. God.

It's so terrible. It's the worst. Ben Shapiro levels of desiccated, yes. It looks like Snooki's face And on that note we're going to take a quick break From a word from this week's sponsor Us Hey podcast listener

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Again, that's GodAwfulMoviesLive.com. The Seattle Live Show. Bring your thruple, hippies. And we're back next up in headlines in okay, but some ad nons definitely did it news. It's hard to believe that a person could win an appeal on a 1075 year prison sentence and then wind up with something way worse on a retrial. But that is exactly what happened to Turkish cult leader Adnan Akhtar, who now faces a sentence of 8,658 years in prison for crimes ranging from illegal recording of personal data to torture and sexual abuse of children.

Though, to be fair, with good behavior, he could get out in like just a hair over 6,000 years. What happened in this appeal? The judge is like, OK, the da is asking for a blagillion years willing to take a plea for 8658 that's a good compromise right there you should probably take it okay on the plus side he gets to put his life extension claims from his cult leader days to the ultimate test here right he makes it out of this sentence, boy, will my face be red. So, now, obviously,

this is a mighty fucked up story. Akhtar has been a prominent figure in Turkey for decades, and he's the principal reason that Turkey ranks even below the U.S. when it comes to acceptance of evolution. Under the pen name Harun Yaya, Akhtar published a three-volume textbook

called The Atlas of Creation, starting in 2006, that argues against evolution by natural selection. And it's so arrow-riddled that on multiple occasions, it uses photos of fishing lures and labels them as real fucking insects.

Yeah, multiple times. That's fantastic. To the point where critics are like, no, I mean, I know who tied this. He's famous for tying this. But despite its laughable content, it was so effective in arguing in favor of Muslim creationism that the nation removed evolution from school curriculum altogether in 2017. Okay, if this guy makes it through a sentence,

he needs to get a job with Ken Ham at that museum. Just be like, the metal hook fly is technically types of, it's a type of air dog. So it's the right amount of types. So the following year, Akhtar was arrested on unrelated charges of like being a supremely evil cult leader. Specifically, he was accused of forming a criminal organization, sexual abuse of children, sexual assault, child kidnapping, sexual harassment, blackmailing, false imprisonment, political and military espionage, fraud, money laundering, violations of privacy, forgery, coercion, slander, perjury, smuggling, tax evasion, bribery, torture, and the aforementioned illegal recording of personal data. And no, that list is not exhaustive. Who's the cop who got him on the illegal recording of data after all?

Right. Well, there was a bunch of those. Like, I left out all the bullshit fascist laws that he also broke along the way. But to be clear, this was a bad dude. He had like a thousand girlfriends. I'm not exaggerating. Like a thousand girlfriends who all looked weirdly similar. And he had them all dye their hair the same color and wear their eye makeup the same way. It was really fucking freaky.

And at least one of them said that they were repeatedly raped and then forced to take birth control afterwards. When the police raided his house, they recovered like 69,000 contraceptive pills. Do you think he got the sex number times 1,000 on purpose? It just seems like an oddly whimsical choice for a serial

rapist to make, right? I have to think it's just a coincidence, but maybe. I don to think it's just a coincidence, but maybe. Yeah, I don't think 69 gets you pregnant. So, yeah. Not the way I'm doing it. Glad to see that

this dude is in jail. How do you do it? Alone. I mean, as much as I'm generally against excessive jail sentences, I feel like some people kind of

need to be locked away forever. And this is exactly that kind of guy. And if nothing else, this sets an important precedence in Turkey that a cult leader can be held responsible for the crimes that they encourage their followers to commit. And that could come in handy if they ever drag Erdogan out of the fucking presidential complex. Yep. Here's hoping. And in your rubber, I'm super duper glue news if you paid attention to some of the more

batshit candidates on offer in the recent midterms the name patricia kent might be familiar kent who looks like she bought an old lady wig and put it on top of her old lady hair ran an independent write-in campaign on what might as well have been called the Tucker Carlson broke grandma's brain platform. It's like her hair is floating. It's like it's levitating somehow. Yeah, it's like a bad, it's like clipping in a bad video game. Like her character was supposed to go through a door. It's not working out. It's a weird toy. You get a museum gift shop or something. Yeah, yeah. And of course course among the unhinged ravings kent called a platform was her anti-lgbt views wherein she accused the queer community of grooming

children well turns out sometimes the kettle is just looking in the mirror because this week investigators released that kent actually lost her job as a middle school teacher for, you guessed it, sexually grooming young girls. Wow. This person said to herself, if only I was a lesbian, I'd have a much easier time being a pedophile with young girls.

And she did not hear it. Yeah. And she made a bigot platform out of that. Sure. Their opposite day bullshit is so consistent that I'm starting to think that atheists go to heaven when we die. Yeah. So according to the left wing rag, the Salt Lake City Tribune and, you know, that super left wing organization, the Utah Professional Practices Advisory Commission, while working as a middle school teacher, Kent used her position to, quote,

foster intimate and dependent relationships with young teenage girls. End quote. UPPAC also found evidence that Kent engaged in sexual relationships with at least one of the girls, but the evidence wasn't sufficient to bring formal charges.

Once more proving that the true fear at the heart of every conservative is that the rest of the world is as shitty as they are yup exactly so what does the ever so concerned about grooming patricia kent have to say about this quote if i was guilty of what i was accused of i would have been put in jail okay i wasn't i was paid off and that should be the end of it but i am not one to live in the past like i said i've moved on with my life i continue to do what i need to do to live a normal life end quote also do you see the space between my hair and my head it's insane i don't know how it happened so a lady you know who never wants to live in the past? The guilty.

Yeah. So, the good news is that Kent brought in just under 8.3% of the vote. Turns out that if you're running on the platform of being a fucking idiot, a writing requirement is a real deterrent to your face.

This does bring up an important topic that we've touched on a little bit here and there throughout headlines face, but this does bring up an important topic that we've touched on a little bit here and there throughout headlines today, but we don't get to stress enough here on The Scathing Atheist. If someone tells you they're worried about queer people grooming children, they're a pedophile, and you should

say that flat out. Just, hey, man, I can't help but notice how much you're making up other pedophiles. Are you a pedophile? I know. It's too late to toss that one out at the Thanksgiving table, but there's always Christmas. Get on it, people. I feel like I put a question mark, pedophile, but I

meant period. I meant you are, yeah. God. And finally tonight, the sophisticated urbane gelato lovers of Birmingham, Alabama are finally going to have access to their favorite Italian dessert

in a Christian-friendly environment. I love this story. It's about time. I think it's about time. Thanks to the pious owners of Villaggio Colafrancesco, Amish Catholic Italophiles will have a very comfortable place

to get some stracciatella without having to worry about common whores and their short pants like you do otherwise. Instead, the establishment is going to have a very strict, what I would describe as an Amish Catholic dress code. So here's the rules at Bellagio Colofrancesco of Birmingham, Alabama. It says this on a big poster before you enter the shop. Quote, This place is different. It's about God, family, and country.

Sick, they forgot a comma. Section one. It's about God. Modest dress is required. No short dresses or shorts above the knee. Above the knee? Above the knee. Yeah.

Kulots would just barely get you in, maybe. Also, no tank tops, spandex leggings, exposed shoulders, cleavage showing and back, etc. I don't know what that means, but bigot about the cleavage, there's nothing you can do.

Profanity or actions which do not fit the norm of Christian behavior is not allowed. If your husband dies in my gelato shop and you don't immediately fuck his brother, you can't do it. Exactly. Or if he pulls out. Yeah, right. No, I love that it's profanity

that doesn't fit the norms of Christian behavior though, right? So as long as you're saying fuck the Jews, I guess you're okay but yeah the norm of christian behavior clause seems like a great loophole for some fun yeah tell us how it goes birmingham people let us know so the rules aren't done yet section two it's about family quote conversation and meeting of hearts is at the center of Italian culture. Because of this, there are no cell phones, laptops, tablets,

et cetera, allowed. This is strictly enforced. You will be asked to leave for disturbing the peaceful atmosphere. So what? They want you to leave your phones in a pile outside

so you can enjoy the conversation of Italian Catholics in Birmingham, Alabama? I think that's literally Alabama. I think that's literally hell. I think you're describing hell. Yep. Right. And hey, man, if you thought checking Facebook disturbs your peaceful atmosphere, just

wait till you see what I do when you tell me to leave over it, right? And that brings us to section three. It's about country. Quote, this place has been prayerfully designed prayerfully designed i'm going to repeat that to create peace and love for our homeland what be considerate of the work and prayer that created this place no pictures love thy neighbor and leave every area cleaner than you found it. What?

God told us it's your job to wash my ice cream restaurant. Also, no photographic evidence of my ice cream restaurant. Yep. How would people be bringing in like entire cameras that don't break the cell phone? Well, you're not allowed to bring your cell phone. Yeah, right. Bring in the red. Okay, but I guess a part of that made sense. Like the owners knew the name of the shop. It's going to sound like a fucking slur word most of the time when people from

Alabama say it. So you have to respect the Italian homeland. I get that part. There's also a very real testimonial on the poster from a genuine person. It says, on the poster from a genuine person. It says, I lived in Italy one summer and this feels exactly like it. Oh. I know God has great plans for this place. VB.

Oh, those are real letters. Yeah. And that plan, patrons, is for me to walk into this place covered in lube and glitter and refuse to leave till I'm escorted out by the cops. Patreon goal, people.

Yeah, because I feel like we could squeeze you in, especially with enough lube, we could squeeze you into those rules, right? Like we put you in some shoulder pads, a bib over your cleavage, a Superman cape covering your back, knee pads, otherwise just balls out,

dick hanging naked. That counts, right? you have to do they did not mention dicks yeah they didn't i literally googled what trespassing charges are in alabama this morning how bad is it it's 30 days i'm so willing i would love a vacation fantastic one other detail worth noting get laid this whole thing is a cult yeah all their prophets go to the caritas of birmingham ministry which was founded by the owner of the shop terry cola francesco apparently terry had a magical person over to his house one time in 1988 and he started a cult some lady from bosnia herzegovina saw visions of the Virgin Mary in 1981.

Then, seven years later, she had dinner with the gelato guy one time. And now he runs a cult financed by coffee, charcuterie, and gelato. So, don't go there unless you're doing a really good prank. Prank

that's legal. Andrew said. Heath, I'm right here. I'm right here. We worked out all the details and everything, buddy. You're okay. And quick before Andrew bursts through the wall like Kool-Aid man yet again, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. You're welcome. And when we come

back, the Bible will get cocky enough to start calling a section, The Wisdom Books. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm no illusions. As you know by now, Heath is very, very sick with the COVID-19, coronavirus COVID. And though we

hate to say it, we need your help. As you know, the only cure for COVID as serious as the one our very own Heath Enright has is signing up to support our show over at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. That's right, Eli. In fact, if you visit our Patreon page right now, you'll see our humble goal of Heath not dying of COVID is well within reach. But if you don't reach that goal, he will die of COVID. Patreon.com

slash ScathingAtheist. Okay, I think this might be a little much, guys. Hush now. Rest. Save your strength. Please don't touch my lips. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. and then i got heath uh like a jersey that he wanted yeah and i got you that super nice kettle oh my god it's so nice like the nicest thing in my house. It's so nice. Oh, nice.

Anyone else on your lists? On your guys' lists? For Christmas presents? No. No. Okay. You sure that there isn't anyone else that you guys want to get a gift for? Yeah.

Pretty sure. Like my aunt and stuff. I'm going to send her some fruit. Oh. Oh. Okay. Cool. Did you guys get my gifts?

Yes. Yes, I did. Definitely got your gift. Cool. Hey, guys. Everybody ready for Bible Peace Theater? The part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? Absolutely.

Don's being weird, by the way. I'm not. Thank you. he is today. It's weird. So where were we? Psalms, I guess. Nice. Okay.

What happens in those? Oh, nothing. Nothing. It's 150 poems about how great God is. Just bad poems. Bad poems. Yeah. Cool.

Okay. So how do we sketchify those poems? I have no idea, man. This was your idea. You wanted to do this. That's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

We just skip Psalms then. What's after Psalms? Proverbs. Proverbs. Perfect. Proverbs are literally stories, right? So we'll just, let's sketchify those. I can see how you think that,

but these ones are less stories and more like, I would say... The declarative statements. Yeah, racist declarative statements. Yeah. That sounds more like the Republican platform, am I right? Shut the fuck up, Don. Don't you talk to Don like that.

Yeah. But yeah, Don, shut the fuck up. Don't you talk to Don like that But yeah Don shut the fuck up Hey If you wouldn't mind No that's fine I'll be here just doing all the voices The Simpsons you do the Simpsons

I can do all the voices from Home Star Runner Anyway What is after the declarative statements? It's Ecclesiastes. Okay. I've heard of that one.

Everyone likes that one. Is there a story there? I mean, it's the nicest so far, but no. No story. Okay. It's like three books. What's after that? Song of Solomon's after that.

And that is? Porn. Porn. P? Song of Solomon's after that. And that is? Porn. Porn. Okay. Well, we could fuck each other. We could fuck each other. We could. I don't think that's going to feel a C segment, though.

Just think about baseball. Fine. Okay. Okay. Let me ask this. Let me ask this. Where's the next book of the Bible where there's any kind of story at all? Isaiah is the first of the prophets.

Okay, so we just need to cover the books that we skipped in a way that won't make people feel like we cheated them. Ooh, Hannah could do it. Heath, I swear, if you're going back to the fucking suggestion. No, no, no. A song. Hannah could do a song. A song that sums up four of the books of the Bible all at once?

Yeah. I mean, only one way to find books of the Bible all at once? Yeah. I mean, only one way to find out. Well, I guess he's right. So, um, hit it, Anna? We closed the book of Joel, but that was just an appetizer. Now the books will lose the plot and act as an advisor There's Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes And Solomon the womanizer

For the books of wisdom, they really could be wiser. Oh God, dear God, let's pray to God and God to be revered. You're filled with clemency and love and thus you should be feared. You wrote a hundred fifty psal songs to insist you exist. Not a spot upon your buttocks yet that's to be kissed. We'll bow down and wait patiently for thy most righteous face. We're yours to be deployed and domineered. And smash the non-believers, give them measles, mumps, and fever like they're steak and you're a cleaver, like they're trees and you're a beaver.

Proverbs, it's a handbook for Republicans Don't slobber over prostitutes and strange women And clobber, your kids don't spare the rod and spoil the child If you're poor, it's probably your fault Don't come crying to God, even if life is shitty You must have done something wrong, it's all your fault Put on a happy facade, don't cry in your watch titties Everything that goes wrong is your fault Whoa, on a happy facade. Don't cry in your watch titties. Everything that goes wrong is your

fault. Whoa, what a tone shift. Ecclesiastes. Here we go. It's really good. I didn't expect that. When compared to the rest of the Bible, the best parts contradict the rest of the book. Galileo

was almost murdered by the Catholic Church. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. Let's get to the head, baby, park now. Ooh, baby. It's the song of Solomon. It's like reading your dad's text to your mom I'm thinking, oh my god

I don't think I was supposed to see this For the Bible, it's really horny But for porn, it's kinda corny With weird euphemisms for vagina, boobs and penails Laugh baby, your boobs are like two baby goats And let me stick this whole basket of fruit down your thumb And I'm like oh my god this is the one and only book That's written from a woman's point of view

And it's about fucking a dude. Fuck, it's like these books were put here just to hypnotize, put here just to hypnotize to break up the monotony and maybe even energize they promised to drop some knowledge

on us but that was just a web of lies they promised books of wisdom, but they aren't fucking wise. Not a fucking scrap of knowledge found here See? Told ya. For the record, I was completely open to fucking each other. We know you worked on. You bring it up a lot, man.

Like a lot. Okay, Isaiah. So this is like the end of the world, right? Depends on who you ask. Why can't anything about this book be easy? Yeah, no, that's fair. But yeah, scholars agree that Isaiah is probably at least three different writers trying to write about history as

prophecy, but modern Christian scholars very much pretend that it's all about Jesus. Okay, well, which of those are we going to do? Oh, the Jesus one is way funnier. Yeah, it's funnier. Got it. Everybody, listen

to me. I'm isaiah i have a message from god yeah isaiah how so well like god is mad at us and he doesn't want any more sacrifices so instead he wants us to obey his laws and feel him. But not make sacrifices? Oh, no, no. He wants the sacrifices. Just like, you know, only after you behave. Okay. Got it. But like, seriously behave because he's super pissed.

Super pissed. Yeah, understood. This is a Homestar Runner impersonation. Just for anyone at home who is confused. Homestar Runner. What? Everybody!

Everybody! What is it now, Isaiah? Oh, I got it all for God, you guys. Okay, and? Oh, I got another vision for God, you guys. Okay, and? Oh, and um, at the end of the world, there'll be no

more war, and everyone will take their swords and beat them into plowshares, and their spears are gonna be pudding tongs. Well, I guess as long as the technology of war never you know, surpasses swords and spears, that's a very meaningful prophecy.

Wait. But hey, it's like one way or the other. It's good that there will be no more wars, huh? No. No, because it's a bad thing. Sorry, the end of war is a bad thing? My question, exactly.

Yeah. God's gonna like make an earthquake. Got it, got it. So we'll keep rooting for wars then. Hey, sorry, Isaiah, are you worried that literally every earthquake from now till the end of time is going to make some nutbag think it's the end times from now on? No. Okay, okay okay just um checking like you will oh guys guys let me guess man another prophecy oh yeah trust me this one is bad you are gonna be ruled by children. I mean, that's weird.

Wouldn't say bad, necessarily. It's irritating more than anything. Perhaps, yeah. Oh no, trust me, you guys, it's gonna be bad. Hear ye, hear ye, the king has declared he will elect all the kingdom to eat juice pouches and nothing else. Also acceptable

are tithing crackers and Cheerios. Anyone found engaging in the cooking or serving of vegetables shall be executed on sight. Also tonight there shall be a feast and a celebration where the court player shall play the first 11 minutes of a booba episode. Anyone caught playing more

than 11 minutes of booba will be executed. See? It gets worse with children. Your next rulers will be women. Okay. Aren't there like established female monarchs all over the world at this point? Yeah, I feel like this wouldn't be shocking even to Bronze Age people like us.

Oh, but they're going to be all like, who's showy about it? Oh, well. Yeah, I hate when women are showy. Rabble, rabble, patriarchy. Gross. Oh, but don't worry. The Lord will take away the bravery of their

tickling ornaments about their feet. Nice. Oh, and their calls, and their round tires like the moon, and their claws, and their round tails like the moon, and their chains, and the bracelets, and the muffles, and their bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets,

and the earrings. Yeah, man, we got it. It's a long list. And their wings, and their nose jewels, and their changeable suits of apparel and the mantles and the wimples and the crispy pins and the little crispy pins and the glasses and the fine linen. Oh, and the hoods and the veils. Jesus. Okay, we got it, Isaiah.

We got it. God is going to take their things. Thank you. Oh, it's also going to smell bad. Got it. Yeah. Oh, but that's not all. And in that day, seven women shall take hold of one man,

saying, we will eat our own bread and wear our own apparel. Only let us be called by thy name to take away our reproach. So, in other words... Strong, independent women. Patriarchy, patriarchy, patriarchy. Worst. Oh, yeah.

And a big smoke cloud. So, hold on. Are you sure this is the end of the world and not just California? I mean, what's the difference? Fair point. Yeah. Want to hear a song about a vineyard? No.

Oh, you don't drink alcohol, huh? Go fuck yourself, man. Oh, that's foul. Ooh, ooh. Hey, did I tell you guys about the time I met God? No. You met God. Okay, so we're clear we are

allowed to drink alcohol. Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday. Okay, really quick, gonna need a definite yes on the alcohol. Oh, I said I remember it like it was yesterday. I said I remember it like it was yesterday. Do doing Isaiah stuff.

Isaiah stuff is my favorite stuff. Isaiah. Isaiah. It's me. God. So God is Trump again. I mean, he's running. I feel like we bought ourselves another election cycle, right?

Did we? Oh, no. You're just saying that because Sarah won governor and you get to keep doing her. Don't blame me that my characters are evergreen. Evergreen till you die of COVID. Anyway, these are my six winged angels, Saria and Melania. What up? How's it going? Kalosh. Oh, God, I am unclean and unworthy of your presence. Yeah, no problem. You want a hot coal? Um, like, to eat? Sure, yeah.

Why not? I mean, because I'm a person, and that would probably kill me. All right. Whatever. More coal for me. Anyways, anyways. Uh, Isaiah. What?

I want you to tell everyone that I'm mad at them. Oh, okay. For how long? Till everyone is dead. Okay. How long is that going to be? You're really not familiar with these books, are you? No. King Oz! King Oz! I break a prophecy for God! Sure, Isaiah. What is it?

Oh, don't you want like a sign or a miracle to prove I'm actually conveying God's message? Doesn't your God kill people for asking for signs? I mean, he has been known to. I think I'll just take your word for it, man. Oh, okay. So are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. Okay, because this is a big one.

Like, it's the most important prophecy in the whole Bible so far. All right, hit me with it, dude. Okay. Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son and shall call his name Emmanuel. Dude, who the fuck is Emmanuel? Jesus.

They got Jesus' fucking name wrong? I mean, we do call him Emmanuel. Do we call him Emmanuel because that's his name or because it's this prophecy? It's the latter. Sorry, I just want to clarify here. In the Bible, they got

Jesus' name wrong in the book that they've had control over and edited for thousands of years. Yes. Yes, they do. That's correct. This book is so stupid. Yep.

Yes, it is. Also correct. Okay, man. I will keep an eye out for a guy named Emmanuel. Anything else? Oh, yeah. There's going to be a big war with Syria and Egypt. Oh, how's that going to go?

Oh, don't worry. We're going to shave their feet, if you know what I mean. Sorry, did you say we're going to shave their feet? Oh, yeah, you know, because feet are dicks in the Bible. So we're going to shave their dicks? Yeah, yeah. You know, because feet are dicks in the Bible. So, we're going to shave their dicks? Yeah, 100%. What is that? What is what?

What does that mean? We're going to shave their dicks? Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? Oh, it's a good thing. Like, you know, oh, shit, I'm going to shave your dick okay yeah so isaiah did somebody tell you that was an expression um yeah i thought so okay so that person they were tricking you into shaving their dick what or or letting them shave your dick i just

i honestly don't know which and i don don't want to know which, but that's what that was, okay? No way. You're messing with me. Nope. But I put it in the Bible. I gotta go. Yeah, well,

Cousin Tony, you made me look like a real idiot in For the King. No, it wouldin Tony, you made me look like a real idiot in Fort Lauderdale. No, it would not help if you shaved my dick. Look, I gotta go. God is here, and he wants to talk with me. Hey, there he is, Isaiah. Isaiah, were you just on the phone right now? There's no phones. I am, but that was the best way to resolve that bit.

No, it was. Fair. Okay. Look, I need a favor. Malala, she's been feeling a little down. Not a lot to do in the Bible since we did the Tower of Babel, you know. So I'm hoping you'd be okay with letting her name your kid. Oh, the one I have with the prophet head. I mean, sure. What was she thinking? Uh, Mahashala Hashbears. Um, seriously?

Yes, I think she was going for Marshmallow House Boss, but honestly, your guess is as good as mine at this point. Um, Fuhugwagads? That's the one. Yeah, okay, good. Yep, I'll see you around. Did you say it? Yep, I'll see you around Did you tell him?

Yep, I told him, baby, he loved it Hooray! And well, everyone with a biblical name like myself Spends a quick second thanking their mom For not picking that one We're going to stop there But we'll be back next month with more Bible Peace Theater. exactly the wrong corner of the country for you. You can also come see me at Free Flow the weekend before that in Orlando, Florida. Tickets are already on sale for the best skeptical event in the Southeast. You'll find a link to those in the show notes as well. Anyway, that's all the

blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and even a newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Need solicitation debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd have to hang my head in shame if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for knowing what's up, Eli Bosnick for giving us the lowdown, Lucinda Lusions

for never giving in, Anna Bosnick for always going all out, and Don Ford for being here, because standing still is also a direction. I also want to thank Joe Mudok for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I haven't read any of his erotica, but based on the titles, it seems pretty damn clever. If you want to find out for yourself, be sure to check the link in the show notes.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Philip, Eric, Bill, Tim, Chris, Shirty, the slightly aggressive bear, Aaron, Jay, Karamea Diva, Dave H. Donovan, and Portly Montauk. Philip, Eric, Bill, and Tim, whose dicks are so big it's physically impossible for them to keep a gun half-cocked. Chris, Shirty, Aaron, and Jay, who are so hot the shower turns to steam before it even gets to them, and Karamea Diva, Dave, Donovan, and Portly, who are so smart, Lugwig von Siegfried tries to get them.

Sorry, sometimes I gotta throw the boomers a bone, right? Together, these 12 tremendously titillating totems of tenderheartedness traded temporal treats and transmitted tidings of tender to us by giving us money. If you, too, would like to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll have access to an extended ad-free version of every Thank you. podcast provided by the law office of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who has sold all music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Ah, so wait, so Eli's the last man standing. Taunting! I'm the last of all my friends. You've had COVID, you just don't take tests. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.