The Scathing Atheist - 514: Holiday Leftovers Edition

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

In this week’s episode, we’ll regift you some headlines that time forgot, we learn from the Goop Gift Guide that this is NOT your mom's old-timey vaginal steam laser, and we cram in a bunch of insults that didn’t fit in last week. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Tom and Cecil here: https://www.dissonancepod.com/ Check out more from Thomas and Andrew here: https://openargs.com/

Warning, the following episode is not cheery and bright. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey and by Santa Bribes Incorporated. Have you been naughty this year but you still want presents? Well, give us money and our operatives at the North Pole will sneak your name onto the nice list. Santa Bribes Incorporated. This was literally the Catholic Church's business model for over 400 years. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Ho ho ho ho! Taking a break from a long winter's job to remind you all once again.

Those on my nice list know you evolved from filthy monkey men. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. It's Thursday. It's December 22nd. And it's National Regifting Day. I knew there was a reason Noah got us the same thing for Christmas. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Ken DelVecchio's New Jersey.

Hey! Ann Arbor, Michigan and Waycross, Georgia. Right next to Eli, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll re-gift you some headlines that time forgot. We learn from the Goop Gift Guide that this is not your mom's old-timey vaginal steam laser. And we cram in a bunch of insults that didn't fit in last week. But first, the diatribe. My wife belongs to a bunch of these neighborhood groups on Facebook, even though like 90% of what you find on those in South Georgia is Karens warning everybody about a recent African-American sighting. They still come in handy when you, like, you know, intercept a lost pet

or wind up with somebody else's misaddressed package. Anyway, the other day she shows me this long, nostalgic lamentation that somebody posted on one of those things about the lack of Christmas lights in the neighborhood this year. See, the area we live in used to be way more upscale than it is now, and back in the day, it was the neighborhood that people from all around the county would drive to to see all the holiday decorations and while there are still a couple houses that go all out for the holiday mine included long gone is the neighborhood wide sea of incandescence that this lady remembers from

her youth and of course eventually inevitably her screed descended into a bunch of mournful conjecture about the reason being that people just don't love Jesus enough to deck the halls for his birthday anymore. It even warned that our Christmases would get progressively dimmer between now and the impending rapture, and

like all the best apocalyptic literature, it ended with a long series of Christmas emojis. Now, the real reason that fewer houses are decorated in this neighborhood is that this town's population is decreasing fast enough to leave demographic skid marks. Okay, when I was growing up here, the population was around 17,000, making Waycross, Georgia the nation's 1,603rd largest city, and today it's well under 14,000, and we've dropped all the way down to like, you know, $2,495.

That means that houses that used to sell to upper-class folks are now being rented to middle-class ones. You know, that maybe can't afford to spend hundreds of extra dollars during the holidays on fucking house flair. But also, setting all that shit aside, isn't that what you asked for, Karen? Setting all that shit aside, isn't that what you asked for, Karen? Isn't this, in fact, what you insisted on every fucking time you barked about Jesus being the reason for the season? Isn't this exactly the outcome you demanded when you complained about the fucking Christ being taken out of Christmas and labeled every effort to be more inclusive with your holiday an act of goddamn war against it? every effort to be more inclusive with your holiday, enact a goddamn war against it?

You're complaining out of one side of your mouth about how the club needs to be bigger and on the other side about how it needs to be more exclusive. I mean, set aside the specifics of my particular neighborhood and consider the larger social movement that prompts a post like this because in the end, it's not just about fewer Christmas lights, right? It was about an insufficient love for Jesus, an insufficient national love for Jesus. I mean, we're obviously in no danger of Christmas withering away. It's swelled so big at this point that no single month can contain it anymore.

From what I can tell, there actually is a long-term trend away from these ostentatious outdoor displays of energy consumption. And that makes sense as we grow more ecologically conscious. But in terms of people celebrating Christmasmas that number's never been higher especially if you add in international numbers no christmas is under no threat but all the christian parts sure the hell are there was an encouraging though still deeply depressing pew survey a few years back where they asked people if they believed in all the stuff from the traditional christmas origin story right like the shit linus said and and what they found was that across the board even among christians fewer and fewer people believed that jesus was born to a virgin and laid in a manger and was heralded by angels in the fields and all that shit of course the depressing

part was that as recently as 2017 some 66 percent of americans still thought jesus was born to a virgin and a whopping 75 percent believed he was laid in a manger hell 68 percent believed the bit about the wise men being guided to him by a star even though that doesn't make any fucking sense what what would that even mean but but still those numbers were universally down christmas strong as it is is increasingly secular and that's what scares all the karens on lucinda's facebook groups they don't just want more lights on the houses they want more christians putting those lights up like every other goddamn thing that they're complaining about these days it boils down to them wanting their group to dominate the culture again the way it did when they were

kids so yeah sorry karen sorry you can't be more repeatedly validated on your drive home from work i i sorry that the christmas sales and the christmas commercials and the christmas themed packaging and the christmas specials on tv and the christmas movies at the theater and the christmas vacations from schools and the christmas breaks from jobs and the christmas music that just follows you everywhere like the malicious ghost of someone you wronged in a previous fucking life isn't enough of a reminder that your religion still controls the national calendar but maybe you should have thought about that shit before you started trying to gatekeep joy and goodwill towards others in the first goddamn place they're talking about your jesus

joining me for headlines tonight is nobody. Because we're all off spending time with our families this week. But we did manage to stock up a few extra headlines and shit over the last month or so. So without further ado, we present. Actually, further ado. Because we still have to do an ad before we get to those headlines. So we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, Honey. And those microprocessors are backlogged by at least a year. A year? We don't have a year.

I know. Twinkle toes, sprinkle farts. What seems to be the holdup? It's these toys the kids want this year. We can't make any of this stuff. Playstations, Xboxes. We were maxed out on wooden trains. I see. Well, why not just buy everyone the things you can't make? Everyone is into internet shopping these days. Even Santa Claus. But Santa, buying toys for all the good boys and girls will cost an arm and a leg. Not if you try Honey. We are trying, darling. No, no. Honey. Honey is a free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best ones it finds to your cart. Well, how does that work? Well, imagine you're shopping one of your favorite websites. When you check out, the Honey button appears and all you

have to do is click Apply Coupons. Wait a few seconds as Honey searches for coupons it can find for that site. If Honey finds a working coupon, you'll watch the prices drop. It's true. I save money on electronics, gifts, even food delivery with Honey. I thought you kicked him out. I did, but now he's claiming an exception because he's a utility monster. I didn't say utility monster. I said I want societal context.

You're a Catholic saint. You should be behind this. Plus, you could save even more when you ask honey to keep track of price drops on your holiday shopping list. If the price drops on anything on your list, you'll instantly get an alert to let you know. If you don't already have honey, you could

straight up be missing out. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid in supporting the show. I'd never recommend something I don't use. I'm Santa. Get PayPal Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing.

That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Merry Christmas, everybody. Whatever, pervert. You punched a guy at the Council of Nicaea. And now, back to headlines from the past, already in progress. And in you'll be sorry news tonight. I love this story so much! So the city of Tuscumbia, Alabama is about to be that much further into the grips of Satan this week

as a decidedly un-Jesus-ful Festival of Yule is scheduled to take that much further into the grips of Satan this week as a decidedly un-Jesus-ful Festival of Yule is scheduled to take place there on Saturday. The event, which is either pagan, satanic, or a harbinger of the end times, depending on which melodramatic Christian protester you ask, is the brainchild of one Kendall Gilchrist, owner of the Hesperia Mystic Shop in nearby Florence, Alabama. And though Satan is entirely uninvolved, there will be a seven-foot statue of Krampus, and he kind of looks like Satan, assuming that you base your impression of Satan's physical appearance

on Bugs Bunny cartoons more so than the Bible. Anyway, that was enough, though, to spur the frothing outrage of scores of Alabama Christians. Demon season, goat season, goat season, goat season, fuck! was enough though to spur the frothing outrage of scores of alabama christians demon season goat season goat season goat season fuck god christians are the worst fandom ever there's like oh my elf on a shelf cancels out your giant krampus you take 28 points of faith damage god damn it so yeah despite its origin in a store that sells magic hippie rocks, the event itself sounds like a blast.

In addition to a seven-foot-tall Krampus statue photo op, the event is going to feature food, live entertainment, and vendors selling locally made stuff. What's more, it offers an opportunity to play dress-up. According to Gilchrist's post about it, I want to see Celtic, Viking, gods, goddesses, wizard, and any other mystical beings or things. Let's get weird and have fun, end quote.

But if there's one thing that Christians hate more than having fun, it's getting weird. So naturally, local churches gathered in protest and demanded the city rescind the event's permit, lest it tempt their children into the clutches of the great horned one. Is this grown man with a lute and a floppy velvet hat luring our kids to the horned one? We'll find out after the break. Right. When am I? Okay, but seriously, imagine how much your thing has to suck

for a bunch of hippies dressed like Aaron Raw to tempt them away from it. Yes, exactly. So this brewing controversy came to a head on Monday night at a city council meeting where Christians packed into the small room to sound off against the dangers of fucking cosplay and cookie vendors, I guess. They demanded the event

be shut down due to its satanic nature, which is wrong to the second power, I guess, since it's not satanic and being satanic wouldn't be a sufficient reason to shut it down. But in case you're curious about the degree to which they didn't get it, one Christian speaker in the standing room only meeting

explained that, quote, not all beliefs are equal. No, Satan is your thing. That's you. You did that. Sir, sir, your shirt is staying tucked into your pants because of your Christ-themed suspenders. You do not want to rank the worthiness of thoughts and opinions right now.

This is how you get cut up and eaten. Now, for their part, there's no indication at this point that the city is going to cancel the event. Gilchrist did everything by the book and no reasonable objection was voiced at the meeting. So while there will no doubt be a bunch of jackass Christian protesters, they're trying to shit on everybody else's good time. The event will go on. And since jackass Christian protesters try to shit over everybody's good time is basically Alabama's state bird.

I suppose that's the best outcome we could reasonably hope for. And next up in headlines, Herschel Walker and Matt Walsh were talking into microphones again, and that means we have some important science news regarding gender identity. We also learned about GMOs, pronouns,

grenades, and phrenology. Really? But no, seriously, all that stuff. I will get to all those things. Matt Walsh took a bigot rabbit hole tributary and he explained to an audience of university students that GMOs are making people transgender. And Herschel Walker gave a Bible-based rant about gender

during which he complains about pronouns despite very clearly not knowing what that word means and using them during his talking. And we also got his thoughts about skull shapes and IQ, seriously. I mean, given what we've heard from Herschel so far, I'm not willing to say

he knows what any word or word type means. Okay, so I wasn't aware that Herschel Walker and Matt Walsh knew each other, but they almost have to be involved in some kind of terrifying idiot contest against each other.

I'll start with Walsh. His latest round in the idiot contest happened during an appearance at the University of California, Berkeley, thanks to an invite by the Young Republicans Club that they have. A student in the audience asked him, what biological and chemical changes are occurring in society

through pharmaceuticals and food, like genetically modified food, contributing to how people see gender and what we currently see in society? What? Okay, so, yeah, just so much crazy nonsense in that question. The correct answer from Matt Walsh is, I never attended college and I have no expertise in anything at all related to that question or any craziness that you just said. Also, your club shouldn't exist. And the best thing that could happen to this university is a fire in this building that none of us can escape. That's the correct answer.

But what did he say? Okay, here's Walsh's actual answer. He good question nope already wrong yep good question i think it's contributing to a certain extent i couldn't speak with any authority on how that works exactly which okay he started to do something good there but then he continued to explain how he thinks that works exactly right after he said i have no authority on how that works exactly. In particular, he mentioned that human sperm count has been decreasing exponentially. And that's how we know that. End of thought.

Yeah. It's like, look, man, anything north of the juice boxes are making the frogs gay makes me the reasonable guy in the room for most of the rooms that would have me, really. So I'm going to have some fun here. I'm going to go off. Yeah. So for those of you who are wondering why Matt Walsh just mentioned sperm count, it's because he's dog whistling the white replacement conspiracy theory. The second unspoken half of that sentence is, but the black sperm is getting stronger by the day.

Right, yeah. Anyway, that brings us to Herschel Walker. Walker gave a speech inside a warehouse in Jackson County, Georgia, real bad start, along with Riley Gaines, a cisgender woman who once tied for fifth place at a university swim meet with a trans woman. And this is Gaines's job now, by the way. She tours around the country campaigning for Republicans by telling the heart-wrenching tale of her fifth place tie persecution that would have been, well,

still not a medal regardless, but more importantly, huge bigotry. Yeah, but hey, good thing she's not like a really young person who's all in approach to transphobia. We'll come back to bite her in a few years when the right can't get away with this anymore, right? Enjoy your 30s onward, Riley. Being Googled is going to be awesome for you, let me tell you. All right, so here's what HeWalks had to say.

That's what I call Herschel Walker. HeWalks. Here's what HeWalks had to say. That's what I call Herschel Walker. HeWalks. Here's what HeWalks had to say about his major platform issue of collegiate swimming that he's very interested in. Quote, that's like having Herschel Walker compete against your daughter. Nope. No. Don't talk about yourself in the third person either. That's gross. You don't want me to compete against your daughter, do you? And then he added, I'll tell you the definition of a man and a woman because it's in the Bible. A man and a woman are two different people.

Well, no, that part is he nailed that part there. So, OK, but Herschel, I got I got one for you. What if my daughter, hear me out, is a werewolf? Oh, would you still get her pregnant? Probably. And just a quick reminder, according to the Bible, God made man and woman both in his image, so just keep that

in mind. So from there, Walker started talking about trans people in the military, which is a real thing, unlike his made-up military career. And then he remembered something about pronouns and responded to his own internal thought asking himself a question while he was talking and he responded to that internal question with the question he said pronouns what's a pronoun

i can tell you a grenade doesn't care about their pronouns that no idea i i love i love that what's a pronoun is a rhetorical fucking question at a herschel walk around right yeah okay but his point about the pointlessness of gender and war is a point for our side not his right herschel if you wanted something for your side you'd have to say like, grenades blow up trans people extra good. Do you say that? Right, yes. Also, after the rhetorical question,

what's a pronoun? The very next word is I, just for the record. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, and there's a there in that sentence. All right, so that brings us to a video of Herschel Walker from 2019 that resurfaced last week. Thanks to Patriot Takes, a right wing watchdog. It's from a speech he gave at a military base while he's working for the Trump administration.

And that right there is a sentence that leads to phrenology. So here it is. We made it. Walker was telling the story of the birth and early childhood of his son that he knows about, Christian Walker. Christian is now 23, and he's a conservative TikToker who also happens to be gay. So here's the story of Christian getting born. According to Herschel, when I delivered him, he had this long old head. I told my wife, your parents got some awful genes and stuff.

And then he explained, I rounded my son's head every day. What? I would polish his head and his head got rounder and it made him smart. Wait. He did a hand motion of like physically shaping the head. It's a buffing motion that he's doing. Herschel, have you tried the head rounding on yourself? Because you're like the fourth dumbest guy in history.

I'm just saying, get the buffer and the rag out, man. You know. So just to recap, Matt Walsh is that GMOs affect gender identity. herschel walker is at well a werewolf can be a vampire which is exciting to him and what the fuck is a pronoun and i sculpted my infant son's long ass head with my hands to make him smart again so yeah let's go ahead and start the clock i'm gonna give it three weeks until somehow the Jews did it about all that stuff that both of them just said. They're like three weeks away from a dinner party at Mar-a-Lago

with Ye and Milo and Nick Fuentes. And in the Prager They Fall news, we have a new dumbest hot take on trans people this week. We do. Yeah. Which admittedly is saying a lot in 2022. But if anyone, anyone was up to the task, it's Prager, not a university, but legally you can call your YouTube channel, whatever you want.

Universities, Dennis Prager, who argued that trans men aren't real this week because they're not mean enough to each other. What? Well, the fact that he measures manliness by how mean you are to others explains a lot, though, doesn't it? Attracts. It sure does. So here's the quote. Can you really become a male or a female if you're born the other?

I don't believe you can. We're two different psychologically as well as physiologically. And the psychological is much harder to change. You can't have a psychology surgery like you can have a mastectomy. It just doesn't happen. Guys insult each other

if they really like each other. Will a trans man begin to do that given that it's not female nature to do that? Do you abandon your nature when you abandon your genitalia? What? End quote.

Dennis, my man, it's just that nobody likes you. Thank you. I get why your mom tried to convince you that insults were terms of endearment amongst guys back in the day or whatever, but when people insult you, they deeply, deeply mean it. Yeah. Also, apparently Dennis Prager thinks you would become a trans woman, for example, by old yellering your penis

and abandoning it. Go on. Get out of here, penis. I want you here. He's wiping the tears away with the back of his head. I said I don't want you. Okay, so sad image of Dennis Prager's abandoned genitals hitchhiking to the next town aside.

I think Dennis Prager has overlooked a tremendous pro-trans discovery he's made. That's right, because think about this logically. If you're a woman listening to this podcast right now and you have mean things to say about Dennis Prager, you're trans. That's logic, right? Schedule your mastectomy. Get a haircut that makes you look like Oliver Twist.

Sorry, trans men. I don't make the rules. And then send a thank you card to Dennis Prager. Yeah. And old yeller that vagina. We don't mean shoot yourself in the vagina. I know that what he said. It sounded weirdy.

And in pedophile clerk news tonight. Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. I know this will come as a shock to a lot of people, but we have yet more evidence this week that the Catholic Church is really bad at catching the Catholic Church committing crimes. And not, I should emphasize, because of how few crimes they commit. But yeah, the attorney hired to oversee abuse complaints for the Diocese of Montreal issued

a report this week detailing all the various ways in which the very people who appointed her are now obstructing those efforts. These ways include but are not limited to disappearing documents leaking confidential complaint and information postponing follow-up actions and intimidating the diocese and employees that help her out okay yeah feels like that's not particularly surprising she's like here's my report my boss hired me to investigate himself uh and I found exactly what you'd expect. I don't understand my job.

Yeah. You can't report me to HR. I hired HR. What do you mean that's the point? I don't understand why. Yes, right. Yeah. So, yeah.

So this unexpected revelation comes to us from one Marie Christine Kerouac, who was appointed as the ombudsman for the Archdiocese of Montreal in May of last year. This was part of the Archdiocese's effort to convince courts that they could too police themselves. Look, they even hired an independent former judge to craft their new complaint handling process and an independent lawyer to oversee those investigations. And maybe that worked for a minute,

but just this month, the judge quit in protest and the lawyer released a public report detailing all the ways that they were actively inhibiting her investigation. Just so much ketchup on the wall right now with pedophiles and pedophile helpers. The Catholic Church may as well have a, we didn't realize

anyone was going to follow up on that child rape promise catchphrase at this point, right? Just a standard boilerplate now for obvious reasons reports of abuse are supposed to be confidential right if they're not the person issuing the complaint could be retaliated against or pressure to recant their testimony or shamed or whatever right but according to karawack's report she discovered months ago that a high ranking clergy member was leaking information about abuse complaints, including the identity of the

fucking complainant, and in at least two instances, that same priest, one Roger Dufresne, actively discouraged complainants from contacting her in the first fucking place. And she only knows about those two, by the way, because those people ignored him, so who the fuck knows how many times that actually happened.

But when she brought 50 pages of emails and evidence of this shit to her superiors it took them three months to do any goddamn thing and when they did they just transferred him to a different duty that still technically had access to all the confidential information okay so yeah i showed you those 50 pages with the evidence you moved him to a different department that's more appropriate for pedophiles? Is that what you just said? Did you hear what you just said?

I mean, to be fair, Heath, all departments within the Catholic Church are appropriate for pedophiles. This lady is the outlier here. She's the one fucking up their business model. Really? Now, for her part, Kerouac says she intends to stay on the job despite the obfuscation, and that's commendable. But the whole idea that this kind of shit is being handled

by somebody other than Canadian Mariska Hargaday is doomed to begin with, right? Like, when they stand in the way of investigators, they shouldn't be risking embarrassing headlines. They should be risking jail for obstruction of fucking justice. The idea that priests have the moral authority necessary to police themselves is as misguided as the idea that priests have moral authority. Yeah yeah i feel like covering up child rape should really be a

one strike situation yeah there you go everything doesn't have to be baseball and sorry one other detail that i think is worth highlighting here because the catholic propaganda machine has been really effective in convincing people that all these charges of sexual abuse are somehow confined to the days of yore. And they fix this shit. And everybody who's going after him is just trying to dig up the past because they're anti-Catholic or whatever. But in her report, Kerouac points out that she's dealt with no fewer than 41 contemporary allegations of sexual abuse since she was appointed in May of 2021. Yikes.

Fuck. Yeah. And by the way, those are the investigations these motherfuckers are obstructing, right? That doesn't count the people who told, like who listened to the guy

who told him not to report that shit. Yeah. I said we'd get to it in 70 years. Gah. Read a Pennsylvania report. Right.

And on that note, we're going to close things out for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Do manji. And when we come back, we'll remind all of you who are second-guessing the presents that you bought how much worse you could have done. You know, when it comes to vulgarity for charity roasts, we obviously dismiss the old adage about how too many chefs will spoil the broth. That being said, too many chefs does spoil the broth that being said too many

chefs does occasionally cause the broth to overflow and spill into the next episode so before we get to this week's c segment we need to finish up last week's and that means we're going to rejoin tom cecil thomas and andrew with more vulgarity for charity roasts already in progress all right we've got another round we're going to give heath just a second to catch his breath. But once he does, Derek would like him to roast the MSU Spartans. Oh, wow. Michigan State. That's a tough one. Yeah.

I mean, MSU puts out important people into the world. For real. I mean, you got like Rob Tapert, Paul Stuckey, Walter Hill. I mean, who? No questions, please. No hands down. They are important. I just listed important people.

Okay, what about Brian Hoyer? Maybe you've heard of him. Started at quarterback for the second most NFL teams in history. That means he's really good. Second most. Another MSU alum in the sports world. You got Larry Nassar. got his medical degree at msu great work with that fucking idiots wow i mean sure sure the university of michigan the wolverines that's right

there too in michigan and objectively better in like every single way but michigan state is there too in michigan. They're also there. They're the Salieri of universities in Michigan. That's good. They're totally pretty good. They're like Donatello. Just like a solid,

acceptable turtle. You know, stick, right? That was cool. That stick. Bottom line, there has to be a beta dog if there's more than one dog. You fill an important role. Jesus. Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. Beta. All right, Noah. Got one for you here. Zach wants a roast of the stereotype of a stoner. Thank you, Zach. Yeah, it's not even so much that I mind being stereotypedped it's that i'm sick of the stereotype being so goddamn dated y'all know dazed and confused is a 30 year old fucking movie about shit that happened 20 years before it came out right

jesus y'all know tommy chong is in his goddamn 80s right pot smokers aren't all unwashed flower children living on fucking commies. I feel like neurotic podcasters are a way better stereotype for 2022, right? Jesus fucking Christ. Are you guys surprised when the people who snort coke don't wear wide-lappelled sharkskin blazers and ride around on speedboats?

Yes. Do you expect everybody who drinks alcohol to own a Tommy gun and a Model A? Fuck off. Again, yes. I love both of those things if I'm being honest.

Well, yeah. It's not everybody. I didn't say you didn't want them. All right. Cecil, this next one is for you. Once again, special request. Just saying. Dan would like you to host

vegan food. Okay. All right. How dare he? Look, vegans, I get it. The torture and killing of animals is fucking terrible and you took an ethical stand, but admit it,

you still kind of want to fantasize about it, right? I mean, you would never eat animals or animal products, but you do want to have your food look and smell and taste and feel like animal products. I don't eat chicken. I just pretend someone plucked and ground a chicken into this nugget shape. Like, fuck off. It's not a fucking harmless fantasy.

You're a fucking psycho, okay? You're a Puritani in the streets, but a naughty bottom who has an impossible burger for a ball gag in the sheets. Fuck off. I feel attacked. Sorry, is there something wrong with that? That sounds delightful. That's fair.

All right, Andrew, this next one's for you. Both Henry K. and Brian H. would like you to roast Texas governor and tree-phobe Greg Abbott. He's afraid of trees. Yeah, Greg Abbott is what happens if you take the 50 dumbest people in America and select your governor like it's middle school

kickball, right? And Texas picks last. I have to tell you that. On a personal level, I hate Greg Abbott for making me go back to 663 separate opening argument scripts and insert the word almost in front of the sentence, no one would be dumb

enough to sign this into law. And of course, since we live in the worst possible timeline, he has an unbroken record of success at the Supreme Court. So thanks, Henry K. and Brian H. for reminding me about that one. Yeah, depress the shit out of us before we move on. All right, Eli, you're up next. Josh Z would like you to roast the balance arc of the Adventure Zone. Oh, the Adventure Zone.

Can a podcast be a one hit wonder? Sure. Hell looks like it. Do we roast the Macarena? Tainted love. I'm too sexy. Maybe. But if we do, let it be only because they forced us with hearts full of hope to meander

through the plot of amnesty to drag our way through dust. Let's not speak of graduation. And now we chase the steeple. But we all know what's at the top of that steeple and we just want it to feel as good as balance made us feel. And it isn't there, boys.

It isn't there. All right. I have no idea what you just said none me either I did not get that reference I bet that's all really funny I'm sure it's really relevant it's probably very relevant

I promise all of that's great though people who like the bride will enjoy it I'm sure that Josh Z will love it is that like D&D minus do they do a show like that

so Thomas this next one is for you and it is a doozy. Jerry F., Greg B., and Roger Che all donated for you to roast Lauren Boebert. And still an embarrassed Coloradan would like you to kick in one for the National Democratic Party for giving up on

Adam Frisch before the race even started. Yeah. What's the deal with this second one? Is this a conspiracy theory? I'm having a hard time keeping track because Frisch is a moderate. So is the DCC just hopelessly moderate and trying to harm Bernie? Or is it apparently out to get this moderate Democrat and ensure he doesn't win because reasons? I don't know, man. I feel like the far simpler answer to this is just no one fucking knows. No one knows who's going to win what.

No one knows what election is going to be close or not. Like 538 has no fucking idea. How is the DCC supposed to know? And we're pretty scarred from that last election where we threw in a literal billion dollars to that pilot who was going to unseat Mitch McConnell. And I'm pretty sure Mitch McConnell is still seated. She was great, though. That was bullshit. So you know what?

I think the DCCC, like all of us, is just trying their best. As for Lauren Boebert, that's an easy one. She is such a shitty candidate that she almost lost in an R-plus-11 district to Adam Frisch, despite the DCCC actively conspiring against him. Can you believe it?

All right, Tom, quite a few folks had a request for you. Quinn W., Sharon S., Renee B., and Lauren F. all asked for you to roast Elon Musk. Love it. Oh, God. Elon Musk is a cardboard cutout version of a comic book villain you ordered off Wish. I would say he's all style and no substance, but there's not much substance there either. This is a guy selling holograms of simulations to idiots. If a backwards baseball hat suddenly won the lottery and then weird science its way into a human body, it would

still be more capable and more interesting than Elon Musk. Seriously, here is a guy so invested in selling his own shit that he has become his biggest customer. He is a man so disconnected from the truth that reality long ago divorced him and now nobody

wants custody. And on that note, we're going to wrap up the roast for the night. Andrew, Cecil, Thomas, Tom, thanks so much. Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us, man. And while that does mean that we're done for the night, we're not done with the roasts altogether. Be sure to keep listening here and over at Cognitive Dissonance

for even more Vulgarity for Charity for charity. It's that time of year again, and that means L.L. Bean cozy slippers and hot takes about Die Hard and drinking eggnog and people yelling about how eggnog is the come of Satan and, of course, holiday presents that take the Christ right the fuck out of Christmas. And nobody is willing to take your money for a dumber collection of items than Gwyneth Paltrow and the people at her wellness and lying company, Goop. So welcome to the Scathing Atheist Holiday Gift Guide to the Goop Holiday Gift Guide.

We're going to go through, we're going to review some of their best items. We're going to start off with the Sexual Wellness Ear Seed Kit. Okay, that is the most promising combination of words you could have started with. Well done. Right, yeah. Oh, but it's so disappointing. But that's the word. I'm not making that up. That's the title of the real thing. Sexual wellness,

ear seed kit. Here's what they said about it. In traditional Chinese medicine, the ear is considered a microcosm of the body with hundreds of acupressure points supporting the body and mind. Ear seeds are one way of gently stimulating these points. The kit comes with a map to auricular acupressure points. Use the specialized tweezers to gently place the rose gold plated seeds on the ear according to your sexual wellness goals. The seeds are self-adhesive and they hold in place very well. Remove them after three to five days.

This is a $45 item. Okay. I don't think you actually need to remove them after three to five days, but as a company that sells jade eggs to stick in your vajooch, they've probably just added that to the end of all product descriptions to be on the same side. Boo. Name suggested

somebody was coming in somebody's ear. One star would not recommend. Okay, next up we have Song of the Soul, personalized soul song. An astrologer named Gemini Brett. Go fuck yourself.

Fuck you. Yes, thank you. No. Absolutely not is correct. Fuck you is correct. But Gemini Brett apparently is going to translate your astrology stuff into musical harmony, quote, by correlating the 12 signs of the Zodiac with the 12 tones of a musical octave. A piano player improvises for 12 minutes, but, you know, they're inspired by your Zodiac tones or whatever. So it's personal. That's $225. Oh, really? $225. Y'all, we'll send you an improv of my wife scatting the words astrology is just star based racism for half that much.

Well, right. astrology is just star-based racism for half that much. Well, right. But if Anna did music, she would choose based on arbitrary shit, like which notes sound good next to each other, not magic, Eli. And that's the difference.

All right. Next up, we have a private healing session. According to the Magic Healers website, here's what you can expect to receive from a private one-on-one session with me. HeartShares, a safe and sacred container is created so you may open to share about your needs and or concerns regarding physical health, emotional well-being, and spiritual guidance. This allows you to purge dense emotions, doubts, or anxiety that you're carrying, which make it easier for healing and change to occur. What? Wait, so hold on. It's literally a box that you can shout your problems into?

It's some sort of container, yes. People just go to therapy, right? Go to therapy, people. No. And here I'm continuing the explanation. There's a three-part thing happening. The next one is the energy cleanse. An energy cleanse is facilitated to further assist in moving and clearing dense energies, known and unknown.

A specific cleansing ritual will be given depending on the needs and request. And then after that, there's the herbal protocol. Herbs and custom herbal preparations may be recommended for physical healing as well as for spiritual needs. Jesus. I love that I'll try to sell you more shit is included as a perk. Right. Maybe. By the way, that's all $100 an hour is the price of that.

God damn it. It's actually $100 an hour asterisk. Price may vary depending on herbal protocol and length of recommendation. And again, my friends, Noah will tell you to smoke some weed for just $50. No asterisk, people. No asterisk. I'll even recommend a strain. Shit.

All right. No asterisk, people. No asterisk. I'll even recommend a strain. Shit. All right. That brings us to the body cupping kit. Here's what they described it as. Cupping stimulates acupressure points by lifting tissue instead of pressing down on it. The set uses silicone cups to create gentle suction and help ease whatever soreness and stiffness has built up today place the cups on whatever area you'd like to work on could be back shoulders chest hips or legs in case you need a quick refresher on what various parts of a body has these are a few examples here's some good ideas we put down for you then you press and hold the button are a few examples. Here's some good ideas we put down for you. Then,

you press and hold the button for a few seconds. When you release, the cups create a partial vacuum, lifting and stretching the underlying tissue to promote circulation to the area. Parentheses, it feels really nice. That is $68.

Okay, it feels really nice is just the tip of pseudoscience. Yeah, right. I know it's fucking stupid, but it does feel... It feels nice clinically tested. No, it's not. Next up, we have the Amalfi Citrus

Press. It says this professional juicer it's... Are there non-professional juicers? Are there amateur juicers too, I guess? This is a professional one. This professional juicer, it's perfect. Are there non-professional? Are there amateur juicers too? I guess this is a professional one. This professional juicer has a streamlined design that allows you to juice any citrus fruit by simply pressing down on the lever. Note,

not suitable for juicing pomegranates. And that is $220. Well, it's a professional one. Yeah. I feel like Gwyneth should really look inward that she's cultivated

an audience that doesn't know that pomegranates aren't a citrus fruit. I think that's... No, they're not. It's something for her to look inward about.

But what does that fucking mean? Right? Look, with them amateur brand juices, sure, you can juice a fucking orange,

maybe even a kumquat, but you think you're going to handle a Jamaican Tangelo? No, for that, you need a professional. You know what guys want to know? A good name for your amateur juicer? What's that? Rudy Red Grapefruit. What?

Why Rudy? Because Rudy played for Notre Dame and was an amateur juicer. Yeah, okay, yes. Amateur. Is that what you mean, Rudy Rudiger? Yes. Nailed it. Okay.

Next up, we have the Tufted Boudoir Chaise. And I've included a photo of this thing. It looks delightful. It's very sexual. It sure doesn't. It's very, very sexual. Nope. Here's the description. Crafted from brass and tufted black

leather, this chaise is a foundation for fantasy. You got to start here and build from there. This ugly fucking chair. The curves mimic the contours of the body. Not my body. Decked out. It's decked out with stirrups and restraints.

Display it in your bedroom, living room, dungeon, what have you. Okay, let's just take a moment to appreciate that there is no position

I could lie on this piece of furniture in where the end result would not look like someone did a tar trip experiment with marshmallow. Also, I can't help but notice you didn't put the price on this one.

I just don't know. Yeah, no, if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Oh, okay. No, but actually, I just accidentally forgot. It was $28,000. Oh, my fucking God. It was $28,500 for that chair. A Toyota Prius or an ugly sex chair.

I want this chair. That's tough. To be honest, I want the chair. I'm not spending $28,000 though. Next up, we have the baguette bag. It's a dedicated bag for holding exactly one baguette. It's made of satin. It has bows. It costs $239 to hold one baguette. For the last time, Gwyneth, that's not what people were shouting at you when you wore

this thing. I don't know how to tell you this. All right, next up, we have the New Beginnings Yoga Bundle. This yoga set is stacked with a lightweight cork block, a flexible strap that's soft to the touch and be yoga's cult status. Be Matt, the basics for budding yogis, including the grippiest map of all time. That is $128. It's grippiest.

It's more grippy than anything ever. They can sell you stretching. That's so impressive, right? For just $128, you can sit cross-legged in tights, too. Tights not included. I love also that they had to get guilt involved in this. Like the, all right, here you go, Eli, starting yoga again. I see.

All right, let's haul out the, blow the dust off your yoga bundle and desperately try to stave off the Grim Reaper. Yeah. And if you try to leave that, Matt, good fucking luck. It's going to grip the shit out of you. Grip the shit.

Yeah, exactly. That 127 hours, guys, he wishes, he wishes he had this man. Would have been fine. All right, next up we have the human being journal. Journaling is a powerful way to manifest your future. At the top of the year, you envision your ideal life in 10 specific areas, like career, spirit, and creative passions.

That's three. I could not think of seven more. They couldn't think of seven more. They're looking at the wall at Ken Ham's place. Dot water, dog. Air beaver. So top of the year, you envision your ideal life, 10 areas. They gave you three as examples.

Continuing. And then you check in monthly a manifestation journal to help you envision and create your perfect life. $48. Oh, what a sad, sad journal that is. I do not want to read the completed human being journal. the completed human being I would rather read A Little Life twice in a row and three times on Sundays

than the fucking half filled in human being journals that are about to populate this nation I would actually buy the half filled in human being journals from people who bought them for $50 at Goop, the blank journal. Yeah, I see

how a book without all those pesky words in it appeals to Gwyneth's core audience. This one makes sense to me. You write the book. It's your book. Next up, we have the V4 sauna blanket bundle. Here's the description. Includes three items. An infrared sauna blanket, a towel insert, and a hydration powder.

Wrap yourself up and let infrared heat plus layers of amethyst, tourmaline, clay, and charcoal do its magic. Yes, lying. The machine washable towel is made of bamboo and organic cotton. It's ultra soft and very absorbent. Ooh, ultra. of bamboo and organic cotton. It's ultra soft and very absorbent. Get your fix of electrolytes post sauna by adding the hydration powder to your water bottle.

Would you like to know the price of this one? Sure. I would love to know the price. $655. Jeez. Hey, if you come home and find your spouse baking themselves under a $700 heated blanket, you have far bigger problems than electrolytes, my friend. I don't even think it's

heated. But you also get a towel, Eli, because as is so often the case, Douglas Adams only thought he was kidding. Yeah. Alright, next up we have the custom lover's eye framed portrait. I put a

picture here of what they showed you. It's a very fancy frame with an eye in it. I put a picture here of what they showed you. It's a very fancy frame with an eye in it. You take a picture of an eye, you send it to an artist and they paint the eye and they frame it. That's $300. Yes, I too painted one eye and will sell multiple

copies of it for $300. That changed the color. Yeah, right. That's your eye. Trust me. And before you ask, no, listener, they did not mean an asshole. And I, by the way,

I'm explaining that to you way more politely than it was explained to me. I just thought I'd make it easier on you. That's just bigotry. They have to let you to have to send an asshole.

Yeah, thank you. You should talk to Andrew about that. Next up, we have the Light Phone 2. I guess there was a Light Phone 1, but this is the upgraded one. Here's the description.

A phone that allows you to disconnect without going off the grid? We're listening. This phone's main functions are calling, texting, navigation, music, podcasts, and alarm clock. That means no social media, no pressing emails, and no internet browser. It's designed simply with only black and white text. That's $299 for the light phone too. Okay, I actually do need one of these. No, you don't.

No. Just turn all that other shit off. Yeah, right. Plus. No, I need a phone to make me. I see. just turn all that other shit off you have it plus I need a phone to make me I see goop for a premium we'll sell you the discount version Jesus Christ

I guarantee you there's a free app that just turns your phone into the light phone fucking 2 if you want yes obviously so stupid or you can just delete Facebook and not use the browser. This is all crazy talk. I don't know what you're saying.

All right. Next up, we have a product called DTF. Pretty sure they mean down to fuck. Yeah. They described it like this. We formulated DTF with three key ingredients to support healthy sexual function, vitality, and mood. First up, Libifem Fenugreek Extract. Oh, God. Oh, God. Heath's having a stroke. Stay with me.

Stay with me. That was the first one. It was clinically shown, I'm sure that's not correct, to support healthy sexual arousal and desire in women and provide support for symptoms of menopause next shatavari an adaptogenic herb traditionally used in ayurveda to support female health and for mood support saffron extract the ingredients in dtf work best when used over time. Consistency is key. Oh, buying a lot of it is best. Yeah, you got to buy a lot.

Keep using it. Yeah. There's also an asterisk at the end of all of that. And then it says, these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. The 30-day supply costs $60. Oh, just $60

it's very reasonable how sad is it though that there's this much of a market for something that will make me want to fuck my husband alright next up we have I think my favorite one the title of this product is the good shit

seriously here's the description a sack of shit literally period the good shit. Seriously. Here's the description. A sack of shit, literally. Period. Yeah, no, that parenthetical is there to distinguish it from everything else we've talked about so far.

This beautiful bag of manure is made from the finest poop in Los Angeles. The perfect fertilizer for any and all earth mamas. It's a blend of free range goat, horse, chicken, and cow manure lovingly tended by our gardeners. Lovingly? Do we have to use the word?

That's what we're going with. Okay. Tended the shit lovingly, Noah. Yes, they did. Our chickens and goats are on a nutritious, regenerative diet, snacking occasionally on the tastiest food from the kitchen. It's teeming with beneficial microbes and nutrients guaranteed to make any plant grow strong and vibrant. This potent, precious poop will bring new life to your soil.

And the price? Nine pounds of shit for $75. Meanwhile, I'm just over here crying because I want to have anywhere close to as nice an existence as those goats do.

Yeah, sometimes, occasionally, they get the tastiest food from the kitchen. And we're going to wrap up this review with a few of our old favorites

from Goop. That includes, of course, the Vaginal steamer with laser beams here's the description from gwyneth paltrow herself you sit on what is essentially a mini throne and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus et al. It is an energetic release that balances female hormone levels. So, okay, all right. But to be clear, though,

it's only like a mini throne in the sense that you're sitting on it. Right. And, you know, heavy wears the head, probably. Also, if I remember correctly, Jennifer Gunter, the amazing, amazing doctor,

got a hold of this information when it came out, and she's like, okay, so just, you know, for your information, that steam's not getting to your goddamn uterus without some serious like pneumatic power pumping. And if that's the case, do not use this device. That's terrifying. What the fuck? Next up, we have the candle called This Smells Like My Vagina. They describe it as, with a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent,

this candle is made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask Rose and Ambrett seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth. $75. Was the description written by a guy who just went down on Gwyneth Paltrow for the first time and wants to be a sport about it? Yeah. He wrote something and then she was like, crossing that out, crossing that out. Here's what you wrote. There you go. We're not going to mention fish at all. Okay.

Also worth noting, multiple customers reported having the vagina candle literally explode into a giant ball of flame. So now on the website, they added to their description. It says in all caps, warning, BURN CANDLE WITHIN SIGHT KEEP AWAY FROM THINGS THAT CATCH FIRE. Like candles. Yeah, right, like candles. Exactly. Keep out of reach of children and pets. Trim wick to 1 8th inch

before every lighting. Place on a stable, heat-resistant surface. Keep wax pool free of debris. Do not burn for more than two hours at a time allow glass to cool completely before handling or just get a regular fucking candle for eight bucks jesus christ gives me serious questions about the combustibility of gwyneth paltrow's vag right serious all right and we have one more this very important. We have psychic vampire repellent.

Here's the description. Jesus Christ. A unique and complex blend of sonically tuned gem elixirs. Those words are nonsense. Those words are nonsense. All nonsense. None of that. Sonically tuned.

Here's the directions. Shake gently before each use spray around the aura spray what around the fucking aura to protect from psychic attack and emotional harm directly to aura yeah yeah apply directly to aura but avoid contact with eyes do not ingest or inhale just make sure your aura is nowhere near your eyes or breathing do not tease happy fun but the warning can be overpowered by psychic werewolf repellent though yes all right that's gonna do it for the 2022 goop gift guide we'll be back next year with the latest fucking artisanal farm table shit bags.

And who makes their new edition? Merry fucking Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Oh, there's that Uber. Before we hang the stockings from the chimney with care this week, I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, a Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Festivus, a Happy Kwanzaa, a Merry Yuletide, a Happy Boxing Day, a Joyful Libyan Independence Day. Jesus, you know, it's like Happy Holidays is a time-saving phrase

rather than a bigoted slight against the Christian religion and its adherents. Huh. Anyway, that's all the blessing we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 p. long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our Half-Sister Show Citation D debuting at

Noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't hit stop until I thank Heath Enright for being an absolute gift, Eli Posnick for being so jolly, Lucinda Lusions for making my days merry and bright, Tom, Cecil, Thomas, and Andrew for being Santa's little helpers, and of course, Santa himself for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Also, Santa, thank you for the new bong. It's very nice that the elves outdid themselves, but most of all, of course, Santa himself for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Also, Santa, thank you for the new bong.

It's very nice that the elves outdid themselves. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's nicest non-believers, Mike, Philip, Shane, Maurice, Rocktoberfest, Junkhead, Nora, Terra, Bella, Andy in Kansas, Matthew, Audrey, New, and Nicole. Mike, Philip, Shane, and Maurice, whose dicks are longer than the naughty list. Rocktoberfest, Junkhead, Nora, and Terra, Bella, whose ghosts of Christmas future just stopped by to say thanks, and Andy, Matthew, Audrey, New, and Nicole, whose sexiness is the reason Santa was coming in the naughty list. Rocktoberfest, Junkhead, Nora, and Terra Bella, whose ghosts of Christmas future just stopped by to say thanks, and Andy, Matthew, Audrey, New, and Nicole, whose sexiness is the reason

Santa was coming in the first place. Together, these 13 delectable disbelievers doled out dollars to our dedicated dissection of deistic douchebaggery this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you're feeling generous this holiday season, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access

to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button Thank you. and our audio engineer, Russell Morgan Clark, who has wrote a little music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2022.

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