The Scathing Atheist - 517: Handling a Cockatrice Edition

Episode Date: January 12, 2023

In this week’s episode, we’ll find out which congresspeople weigh the same amount as a duck, Donald Trump Jr. is selling another ghost written book, and I’ll add in the Norwegian story that I forgot we teased in the intro last week. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Learn more about Recovering From Religion here: https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/ --- Headlines: Donald Trump Jr. selling the ‘We The People Bible’: https://onlysky.media/ahall/donald-trump-jr-is-selling-the-we-the-people-bible/-people-bible/ Art History professor fired for using ancient paintings of Muhammad in class https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/art-history-professor-fired-for-using-ancient-paintings-of-muhammad-in-class/ Jehovah’s Witnesses lose religious status in Norway: https://cne.news/artikel/2289-jehovah-s-witnesses-norway-lose-registration-religious-community ADF lawyer David French Joins The Times as an Opinion Columnist https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/01/new-york-times-newest-columnist-ugly-past-demonizing-lgbtq-people/ Pastor jailed for using homeless people for unpaid labor: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/pastor-victor-gonzalez-sentenced-jail-homeless-forced-labor/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Family Research Council dubs Walgreens and CVS “Centers of Death” for carrying mifepristone: https://www.joemygod.com/2023/01/frc-walgreens-and-cvs-to-become-centers-of-death/ Multiple hate preachers warn about that beer will make men feminine: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/01/hate-pastors-now-speaking-beer-say-makes-men-feminine/

Warning, the following podcast speaks ill of the dead, because fuck Cardinal Pell. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HelloFresh, ZipRecruiter, Raycon, and by whatever clever assassin is working their way down the list of the worst Catholics. First the Nazi Pope, and now Cardinal Pell? What a fucking year already! And seriously, clever assassin, call me, we'll work out a very generous ad rate. And now, The scathing atheist.

G'day, mates. I'm just a bloke from down under in Australia, and this is an old Bonza Aussie accent, Eli. While we're doing a lot better than you drongos in the USA, we still need to support people who are navigating their way out of religion, so I'm part of the Australian team of recoveringfromreligion.org we do our bit to help offer hope healing and support to people who are building a life outside of religion because as we all know having great mates helps us become bloody better people

oh yeah and of course we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men and kangaroos. It's Thursday. It's January 12th. And it's National Marzipan Day. Huh. Because regular clay doesn't taste a little bit like almonds, and that's important. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Robert Menendez Jr.'s New Jersey and over Michigan and way across Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll find out which congresspeople weigh the same amount as a duck. Donald Trump Jr. is selling another ghost-written book. And I'll add in that Norwegian story that I forgot we teased in the intro last week. But first, the diatribe. You know who I feel sorry for? People looking for inspiration in the goddamn Bible.

Like, not people who are just like at some down point in their lives and they reach their Bible hoping it'll lift them up. Fuck those people, right? Opening the Bible at random and coming away with a passage about foreskins is what they deserve. What's more, you do that enough times and it's going to lube you right up for some atheism. But the ones I feel sorry for are people where that's like their job, that aren't priests. Imagine a single mom who's Christian. She takes a job at a greeting card company or whatever.

And they say, hey, you're a Christian. Why don't we have you work on the Bible passage a day calendar or something? And now she's got to look through that book and find passages that aren't just shit. I got to thinking about this the other day as I'm watching a movie for Cam. There's this scene where the protagonist is sitting at his kitchen table and he's looking through these Bible quote cards, right? He's got a whole fucking deck of them. And what we see in the movie is he flips one from the very front to the back.

So what we need is a grand total of two cards. That's what we see in the film. The one in the front and the one that was behind it. And this is a movie. You're not stuck with whichever two come up randomly. You can go through the entire deck and find the two that most speak to you personally or the ones that best encapsulate the themes of the movie,

whatever. Here's what they land on. The first one is, and we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good. That's Romans 8, 28. And everything is possible for one who believes. That's Mark 9.23.

So yeah, both quotes boil down to believing in God hard enough gives you superpowers. And what's amazing is that if a Christian took issue with the way I summarized that, they'd have to do so by turning into something less inspirational. In what they would see as the most generous interpretation. The first one boils down to hang in there. And the second one is a paraphrase of you can do it. The best these filmmakers could come up with are the throwaway banalities from an MLM's Facebook page. And maybe you think, OK, sure, Noah, those quotes suck. But maybe it's just because those were bad filmmakers. And to be fair, they were bad filmmakers, some of the worst we've ever encountered.

But this is one deficiency I can't blame on them. I Googled it, trying to see the best that they've got, and this really is it. The first quote I got on the first list I got was John 1633. It goes like this, in the world you will have a tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world. Fucking what? That's God saying, sure, shit's going to go wrong for you, but at least I got mine. And again, if we're inclined to like the most generous interpretation, it's Hakuna Matata without the catchy song. But all three quotes ultimately amount to no more than life is hard sometimes, but at least you're Christian. Unless you think I just lucked out and got a shitty one to start.

Nope. The second quote on that same list was just a paraphrase of the same dumbass. At least you have the right religion thought. Isaiah 41 10. So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

So yeah, just a more arrogant way of saying the same thing. Who the fuck slips in a compliment to their own hands righteousness? Also, the way he phrases that makes you wonder what kind of depraved shit he gets up to with the left hand. No, I mean, why would you specify otherwise it was righteous as my hands but no he specifically said his right hand now look in the bible's defense it was written thousands of years ago it's been translated and retranslated and retranslated so many fucking times there's no reasonable expectation that it would have much if anything that could serve as genuine inspiration or even genuine good advice to a person in the modern day. Ethics, like all other fields of human understanding,

have advanced quite a bit in the last couple thousand years, right? Any rational assessment of the book would admit that by the standard of the time it was written, it was really fucking good, both from a literary and moral perspective. But qualifiers like reasonable and rational don't belong within a thousand feet of a conversation about the Bible. Yes, I'm holding the Bible to an impossible standard, but the impossible standard is being the thing its adherents say that it is.

And look, there are a lot of things that Christians say their Bible is that it actually isn't, right? They say it's moral or historical or accurate or a thing that they've read in their lives. It's none of those things, so it might seem a little petty to go after a lie as inconsequential as it's inspirational, but that's the end. That's just the tip of their religion because nobody who doesn't have a religion is out there looking for one, but everybody's looking for inspiration, even if they already have some. Right?

So if you're trying to give away Bibles and trick people into reading them, or better yet, pretending that they've read them later, nothing is going to do more for your cause than spreading the rumor that the book is inspirational. Of course, that's a fucking lie, as I think the Internet's favorite examples have proven. But Christians wave those pesky facts away by pretending that there's some magical context that suddenly turns that drivel into profundity. So if you really want to refute the claim, you have to read the entire fucking Bible, and who the hell is masochistic enough to do that? I mean, other than us.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight on the messenger and transfer to my ribosomal Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to, I guess, carry some information? I'm ready to make everyone a 5G

lizard demon as soon as possible. I have pamphlets. If you're interested, they're disinformation, but I have them. Seven years on the show And I'm still the transfer Hostel Work Environment

Okay Well see now We have to go to HR So while we do that We're going to pause For a word from this week's First sponsor Hello Fresh

So wait Does Does the soup spoon Come first Teaspoon Actually Got it Got it

Hey guys What's with the fancy plateware? Oh, hey, Eli. Yeah, Noah and I were just getting ready for our weekly lunch with Carl the Pug of Peckercorn. So, getting it ready. Your lunch with Carl the Pug of Peckercorn? Yep. I don't

remember mentioning that you guys have lunch. Oh, yeah. No, you didn't. It's just a little something I came up with. And would you look at that? Now it's part of the podcast-iverse. It's happening. Hey, Noah. Heath is writing the podcast-iverse.

Please tell him to stop writing into the podcast-verse. You don't own the podcast-iverse. Thank you. Heath can add to it as he likes. Okay, but he's going to mess it up. He doesn't even know what Carl likes to eat. First of all, garlic bread, obviously, been covered extensively. And second, I'm sure to make a great meal every time because I use HelloFresh.

I'm not saying it. Really? You're not curious what HelloFresh is? Fine, what's HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get farm-fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep, Eli. Excited? You can skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh

to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable with Carl the Pug-a-Peg Corn sometimes. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Sure, but it's probably super expensive, Heath, so you don't have to do that. Au contraire, Eli. HelloFresh is cheaper than groceries and 25% cheaper than takeout. Okay, cool, fine.

Have two lunches with Carl, but he's going to get bored of those boxed meals eventually. Actually, with over 35 weekly recipes, Carl and I will have options for a variety of diets for a very long time. It's true. HelloFresh sent us a box to try, and I love the varieties as well as how easily it unpacks into the fridge. That's why I personally endorse it. So just go to HelloFresh.com slash scathing21 and use the code scathing21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. That's HelloFresh.com slash scathing21 and use the code scathing21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. That's HelloFresh.com slash Scathing21 and use the code Scathing21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping.

Hello, hello. I hope everyone likes red wine because I brought two bottles. Really, Carl? Hey, man, I just read the script. Don't make this weird, okay? Thank you. You're making it weird.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Donald Trump Jr. is selling a reprint of the Bible and calling it the We the People Bible. And he's a best-selling author. Asterisk if you count a giant pre-order by the Republican National Committee when his book Triggered came out in 2019. Well, regardless of whether those should count as real sales when the New York Times makes a bestseller list, it shouldn't, New York Times. What the fuck are you doing? Regardless of that, Donnie Jr., he got some useful data from this. He learned that the best way to sell a book is not be the writer. So he Googled best-selling book of all time, I'm assuming,

learned about the Bible, and decided to rebrand the Bible like a good Christian patriot does. And if you call in the next 10 minutes, you can buy one for $69.99. Also, any other time you call, you can get it. Yeah, right. Even American Christians are embarrassed about this piece of shit. He's referring to the Bible, not Donald Trump Jr.

I think. I think. It could be both. Okay, but you guys are missing the real achievement here. Donnie Jr. is the first person in history to price something at $69, and it's not automatically awesome. Yeah, right. It's not nice.

Yeah. Also, to be fair, by the way, the Bible earned its spot on the all-time bestseller list the same way it's triggered by a bunch of conservative douchebags ordering a fuck ton of them as giveaways that nobody really wanted, right?

All the ones in the hotel rooms count. That's bullshit. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. Yeah, you know these are going to be in like Trump's hotels instead of the Gideon for a while. I was going to say, best-selling book of all time is a men's room sign. Okay.

Yeah, well, now there's a Bible with a MAGA theme, officially with a MAGA theme. In addition to a full copy of the King James Bible with Jesus's lines highlighted in red. It's a red letter edition. This book also includes a copy of the U.S. Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, and the Pledge of Allegiance. In case you need a reference on that.

Yeah. Yeah, just a reminder, that's the pledge to the fabric rectangle in which the God of the universe couldn't get a hat tip until 1954 because of the red scare. Yeah. And the general theme of Donnie's cocaine fundraiser is that America is a Christian nation, as literally contradicted by the documents he put into the book after the Bible. And every Christian needs to buy this book

so that Donnie Jr. can protect their religious liberty for them, I guess. Like, it's so dumb. There might as well be a pop-up book section with Jesus on a crucifix yelling, am I being detained? It's so dumb. I'm shocked that they don't offer this thing with like an optional Kevlar dust jacket, right?

Yes. Jesus, based on the ads on their websites tactical bible is a seller's market actually give it a day do you have a wraparound bible i could wear on the back of my head with my camo outfit that i'm wearing to my sister's wedding this is important yeah that's definitely happening another fun feature the front cover is emblazoned with the american flag but upside down to represent life-threatening harm that's what that means historically except these people are idiots so it's not even actually upside down no they turned the flag 90 degrees to the left and then moved the stars to the other side so it's not exactly what they're going but you could put

that on a rectangle the other way it doesn't have to take up it's fine it's not exactly what they're going for. You could put that on a rectangle the other way. It doesn't have to take up... It's fine. It's fine. And just to be clear, the life-threatening harm that they're talking about is to zygotes. They mean the life of a very small growth on the side of a uterus. Yeah. Also, by the way, the thing is, it's

black on black, so it looks like if Metallica released a Bible. It does, yeah. I mean, look, don't get me wrong. I can't think of a worse job than being a graphic designer for Republicans. But anyone who takes that job kind of deserves it.

So, you know, it works for works out. This is the ride, the whitening edition. Absolutely. But don't answer yet, guys. Don't answer yet. you need to hear a couple more details from the faq page for example you might be thinking at this point is everything

made in the usa answer of course our company is entirely based in the united states of america us sick and no idea and now you're probably wondering why haven't i heard about this bible before answer it would have been impossible exact words from their website it would have been impossible in all caps with an exclamation mark no idea what they're talking about but then they say after years of hard work and coordinating our entire team from coast to coast we are proud to have launched just before midterms 22 save america what sorry their claim is that they had to gather a crack team of existing public domains sure do you know how hard it was to get jefferson for this thing and moses it's ridiculous so as much as i loathe the idea of supporting don jr this is a great gift idea for any christian right family members there's a there's a kernel of an

idea here you get a we the people bible you hollow it out, and you put some Darwin inside, maybe? I don't know. Just thinking. Or you put whatever else you think would be appropriate to nest inside a piece of shit. Go ahead and get meta. To whatever extent, it's legal.

Yeah, Donnie Jr., how much for just the cover? Send shit to your family is what I'm saying. It's free if you find one of Barnes & Noble. Send shit to your family is what I'm saying. It's free if you find one at Barnes and Noble.

And in the Mo' You Know news, one of the most poisonous aspects of religion is that when morality is arbitrary, ancient, and personal, good intentions are useless, right? You can be kind and generous and helpful, but if you're an Amalekite, the Bible still says I should smush your head with a rock. And we got yet another example of this as a problem as an art history

professor who, in an attempt to educate students on the beauty of ancient Islamic art and took all precautions not to hurt anyone's feelings, was fired for showing her class a picture of the prophet muhammad last week yeah yeah no to be clear there are a bunch of extenuating circumstances that make this more

and more egregious but it starts at egregious sure does right like if this teacher had just popped up with a surprise muhammad cartoon in the middle of a trig class firing them would be excessive and she didn't she sure didn't yeah so here's the story because it reads like a literal test case for why religious feelings are bullshit so quote this is from like the religious news service the unnamed art history professor was going to show the students a quote treasured 14th century painting depicting the prophet muhammad's call to prophecy as well as the second image from the 16th century. She told students in advance she was going to do this. She told them images of Muhammad would be in the paintings. She also explained that the first

painting was created by a Muslim scholar in reverence of the Prophet because it was not taboo to depict Muhammad at the time. And then finally, the professor told students they did not have to attend that class if they didn't want to. They were not obligated to sit through that particular presentation, end quote. Yeah, just so far above and beyond anything reasonable, just plenty, plenty, plenty reasonable, plenty of content warnings. And just for the record, the art piece in question, the Compendium of Chronicles, is extremely important within that curriculum. An art history professor at the University of Michigan weighed in on this and said, studying Islamic art without the Compendium of Chronicles image would be like not teaching

Michelangelo's David. This wasn't some obscure extra getting thrown in to fuck with Muslim kids. It's part of the curriculum, like really important part important part yeah but it actually gets worse see the school newspaper obtained a video of the class and aside from the warning i mentioned above she said the following before moving on to the controversial images this is what the teacher said quote i am showing you this image for a reason and that is there is this common thinking that Islam completely forbids outright any figurative depictions or any depictions of holy personages. While many Islamic cultures do strongly frown on this practice, I would like to remind you there is no one monolithic Islamic culture, end quote, by the teacher who got fired. What a great point to make. That's absolutely correct.

Yeah. And for example, take another art history professor. This time, let's take Omid Safi at Duke. He responded to this by saying, I'm a Muslim who fled Iran and I show Muhammad all the time in my art history classes because it's part of art fucking history. And he does it with no opting out. And, and obviously it's part of the curriculum.

So he shows it. If a math student was like, uh, yeah, I don't do threes and sevens. You have to let me skip all the three and seven stuff or else you're, uh, disrespecting my faith.

The answer to that is go fuck yourself. 37 times. Go fuck fuck yourself 37 times. Go fuck yourself 37 times. Well, and as desperately as Heath is trying to be hyperbolic

with this example, I want to point out that we're dealing with people who routinely insist that three and one are equal. So this isn't entirely out of the realm

of possibility. It wasn't as ridiculous as I made. No, you're right. So, yeah. All that said, one Muslim student was like, fuck, there isn't one monolithic shitty Islam.

Complained to the administration, which then fired the professor and apologized to the entire student body in an email with no context, just calling the professor's actions, quote, undeniably inconsiderate, disrespectful and Islamophobic, end quote. Deniably at best.

Real quick, I'd like to invalidate the feelings of that student, please. Can we do that? Yes. Because they're not valid feelings. I don't. OK, to be clear, I don't doubt that this student has experienced Islamophobia. That part is absolutely valid. But this isn't that. This is not Islamophobia. This is so fucking stupid. It's so stupid,

it's making Ben Shapiro correct about something, which is unacceptable. And to be clear, I was only using that Ben Shapiro language just now to highlight the point. He sucks. But sometimes, yes, sometimes feelings have to not matter when they're absurd like this. And sometimes they're absurd like this. The feelings that align with essentially blasphemy laws at a university and firing a professor because she somehow showed a piece of art in her art history class Islamophobically as an adverb. That's the perfect example of absurd feelings. They have to exist. This is one of them. Exactly. And look, to the credit of the student body,

everybody, including the professors that Heath named and a literal professor of Islamic art history at the university, has written something to say that this decision is bullshit, right? Right now, there's a petition with 7,000 signatures to get this person reinstated, and I hope that they are.

But I bring this story up because I know our listeners are largely liberal and are as sensitive to bigotry as I am about this stuff. Like when I read the article headline, art history professor fired for using ancient paintings of Muhammad in class, my first assumption was that this was going to be like, you know, some bigot jack off who caught fish with the bait he was hanging. But a hard truth that we need to swallow is that, yes, this student was actually offended and hurt that someone showed a picture of Muhammad. And yes, it is incredibly hard to be a Muslim in

the United States. And as he said, that doesn't matter. It's not exactly what I said, because determining the validity of someone's bad ideas by how difficult they've had it historically, it's not helpful. It's not sensitive. It isn't caring and it isn't justice. It's condescension. Okay, I see the point you're making. But to be clear, yeah, being a Muslim in the United States, very difficult.

Don't want to diminish that. I think there's a few things to keep in mind here. I'm going to try to ease back from my hyperbolic Ben Shapiro language I was using earlier. One thing is that tons of complaints go to universities and the university is like, no, that's dumb. And we're not hearing about those. This is just like a horrible example of the opposite happening. And Hamline University is probably going to get a bunch of shit for it. So that's good. Here's the other big, important, big picture context. This ridiculous student and horrible administration at Handline University, they do not invalidate all the other perfectly legitimate accusations of bigotry, Islamophobia included. But lots of benched stereotypes are going to spin it that way, and their audience is going to listen because their audience is fucking dumb and bigoted. Make sure you point out their fallacy and tell them to go fuck themselves 38 times. But also, let's make sure the good team is intellectually honest about these few times like this and call it out. Once in a

while, an accusation of bigotry is wrong. And the point is, if you cry wolf, it makes it really hard to deal with a real neo-Nazi wolf when it shows up for real. And they do show up a lot for real. Exactly. And on that note, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucin. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race.

It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. One of Christianity's biggest marketing problems is the way that they always make the thing they're against sound really fucking cool. Like, I wasn't all that interested in heavy metal music until some pastor told me that it was, quote, no more than fornicating with the devil, end quote. And I mean, that sounds awesome. I feel like that guy's got to have hella stamina.

No? mean, that sounds awesome. I feel like that guy's got to have hella stamina, no? Anyway, they're at it again with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council sending an email to all of his followers that warns them that Walgreens and CVS have become, quote, centers of death, end quote. What an awesome title. I mean, I don't know about you, but I feel way more badass if I say, I've returned from the center of death than I'm back from the pharmacy. Hey, hon, I'm delving into the center of death on my way home. You need shampoo or anything? Fuck, that seems like it should be in the marketing or something. Of course, as you've no doubt guessed, the death the FRC is concerned about

isn't actual death wherein a living being ceases to be a living thing. They're concerned with imaginary death wherein a barely differentiated clump of cells ceases to inhabit a uterus. Specifically, they're scaremongering about a rule the Biden administration made that tries to stem the bleeding from the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision. The rule clarified that most pharmacies can carry mefeprestone, a.k.a. the morning after pill, and dispense it through the first 10 weeks of gestation. Just a reminder, at 10 weeks, a fucking fetus is a prune with arm bugs. That's it. Anyway, so the Biden administration issues this rule. Planned Parenthood issues a statement calling it a game changer.

Norrell's American president issued a statement applauding the FDA. And CBS and Walgreens issued statements saying, yes, please. And that earned the ire of Tony Perkins and his band of merry idiots who are calling on their followers to boycott the franchises until they cave. So, you know, if you need shampoo or anything. Of course, pharmacies are far from the dumbest things sexist Christians are freaking out about this week. We got a really fun one on Sunday when not one but two scathing regulars latched on to the same hilariously stupid conspiracy theory and regurgitated it in their sermons. The regulars in question are Jonathan Shelley of the Steadfast Baptist Church in Texas and Stephen Cooking Can Be Fun Anderson of whatever two countries haven't gotten around to formally barring him from injuring them yet. And the conspiracy theory is that beer will make you a girly man.

Here, we'll let Stephen Anderson explain it. Quote, people who drink a lot of alcohol, they end up getting a beer belly. But not only do they get a beer belly, they get the man boobs. And I'll tell you why they get that. Not only just because of getting overweight, but also because the fact that beer has in it hops. And there are phytoestrogen mimickers in beer that actually hormonally can, you know, make you a more feminine man. End quote. Shelley was more direct saying, quote, beer makes you effeminate.

The hops in it will feminize you on purpose, end quote. Now, I'm pretty sure that he means beer companies are conspiring to emasculate society. agenda regarding human gender expression, I couldn't argue. Anyway, long and short of it is that yes, hops have an estrogen-like compound in them, but saying that beer therefore makes you effeminate would be like saying the iron in beef makes you a cyborg. Of course, if they're right, that might explain why Brett Kavanaugh is such a whiny little bitch. Anyway, I think we could all use a beer after that, so I'll take my leave and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Stupid Heath messing up the podcast

of us. Hey, Eli. What you doing, man? You've been up here in the computer room for quite a while. Yeah, well, you know, ever since you let Heath write for the podcast of us, he's messing everybody up. He has lunch with Carl. He made Inside Out Little Girl really into Lithuanian politics.

It's like he doesn't even have a cohesive vision for the podcast. So are you turning your writing focus more towards religion and its and its harms? Maybe. No, no, no. I'm hiring new memes. I got to fight fire with fire. Please don't do this. No, don't worry, Noah. Hiring is a breeze with ZipRecruiter. Okay, so that's not why I wanted you to stop. But what's ZipRecruiter? If you're hiring for your company, this is a busy time of

year for you because you've got new 2023 goals, which means finding the right people to accomplish them. Unfortunately, you also have new hiring challenges for 2023, like finding qualified candidates or adjusting to candidates' work preferences. Thankfully, there's a place you can go that'll help you conquer these challenges and achieve your hiring goals, ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. Okay, sure, but why ZipRecruiter? at ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. Okay, sure, but why ZipRecruiter? ZipRecruiter uses its powerful matching technology to find the right candidates for your job.

See a candidate who's perfect for your job? ZipRecruiter makes it easy to send them a personal invite, so they're more likely to apply. ZipRecruiter also offers attention-grabbing labels that speak to job flexibility, like remote, training provided, and more. I'll have new memes in no time. Okay, again, I don't think you should be doing this,

but that does sound good. Where can people find out more? Let ZipRecruiter help you find the best people for all of your roles. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address

to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Excuse me, did I leave my atlas up here? I need Edna to understand just how close Vilnius and Kaunas are. He sent you up here, didn't he? Maybe. Son of... Did you know that Vilnius is Kaunas are. He sent you up here, didn't he? Maybe.

Son of... Did you know that Vilnius is 700 years old this year? Oh, here it is. And in neither will Norway news tonight. The world's fourth least religious, sixth happiest, and third healthiest country just got even better when Norway finally rescinded the religious

community status of the Jehovah's Witnesses. The move, which has been pending for a year or the entire 150 years of the religion, depending on how you calculate it, came after the church repeatedly refused to update its policy on ostracizing former members, including children. Now, this is a policy that the Norwegian government says is a violation of their members' constitutionally protected rights to free expression, as well as a violation of the UN Convention on the rights of the child and they're right about those things and as a result of the move the church will no longer receive tax subsidies or have the ability to perform marriages okay i like the little add-on with the marriage thing

they were like okay no more subsidies also we trust marriage efficient dot geocities dot biz more than your entire religion as a concept you can't do those marriages anymore either look we're norway so we understand that religion is pointless and we're not forced to pretend otherwise by the dumbest third of our population but even we can't figure out what it is you guys are saying you do here right like we're're stumped. Now, to understand this story, you need to understand the relationship between church and state in Norway, which is a bit weird from an American perspective, right? So the way it works there is that the government directly funds churches based on their number of members,

but only if they meet certain requirements. So basically, anybody can say, hey, I'm a church over here. And if they have at least 50 members, they can apply for these government grants. They worked out to about $140 per member in 2021. But to be eligible, the group has to meet a series of requirements which disqualify any church that, quote, commits violence or coercion, makes threats, violates children's rights, violates statutory discrimination prohibitionsitions or in other ways seriously violates the rights and freedoms of others. End quote. Oh, so not religions.

Religions have to be not religions. But fun little groups like, you know, Church of Cheddar and Heaven's Great can get a subsidized pizza party once in a while. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Norway, just say religions aren't allowed. It's just like China. China, just don't aren't allowed. It's just like China. China, just don't let religions.

You look like a pussy is what I'm saying, Norway. You look like a fucking pussy right now. Right. So obviously we could make a pretty solid argument that every religion violates those rules. Are you like telling people that hell is a thing is a threat? Telling a kid that faith is a valid path to knowledge violates their rights. Telling a person that there's an omnip to knowledge violates their rights. Telling a person that there's an omnipotent God is a form of coercion. The biggest one. That's the ultimate

right. The most coercive of coercions. But to make this law work, the government interprets this super broad. Still, though, the J-Dub practice of disfellowship in which the church demands that the entire congregation shuns apostates, that's a pretty textbook case of coercion, right? And the fact that they extend it to kids that violate the tenets of the faith is a textbook case of violating children's rights. So after receiving several letters to that effect from former members, the government suspended payments to the church in January of last year, warning them that if they didn't adjust their policies, the suspension would become permanent. Right. But we're also

already dealing with the Jehovah's Witness population of Norway. I feel like at a certain point, everyone involved might have been CC'd on the same email with those numbers. Yeah, honestly. So, okay, now, needless to say, the J-dubs, a religion that was founded when Jesus failed to materialize after

a predicted apocalypse and somebody said, okay, hear me out, he did return, but he did it invisibly. That is the actual root of that religion. Failed to adjust their beliefs when real world events showed them not to be viable. So as of December 26th of last year, they're no longer an officially recognized church in Norway. Now, to be clear, they can still operate their churches and they can still recruit members and all that shit. They just don't get the tax subsidies and they can also only do pretend marriages. But we're talking about a subsidy that would have amounted to almost 1.8 million U.S. dollars last year. So it's still a pretty big deal.

Hey, do you think Mormons and J-dubs ever go for the same door at the same time? And then they get into like West Side Story rumbles with snapping and dancing. Mentally ill old ladies versus teenagers who poop with the door open. That I would watch on pay-per-view. That's an amazing musical right there. Yep. And in Pardon My French News,

as if they heard my story last week about allowing religious idiots onto their opinion page the new york times opinion section took a moment from all the views not fit to print to hand me their beer and hired literal hate group legal representative david french this week because the internet can't kill newspapers if they do it to themselves, I guess. Yeah. Barry Weiss left a big hole in the opinion page, but she was a little too woke. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So, let's see. Anybody have a hate group guy? Ross? Ross, do that. Looking at you, buddy. I know you're a hate group guy, right? Yeah.

To clarify, this guy is not a legal representative of a hate group. He was a member of a hate group that was legal representatives. Right. Yeah. Now that's fair. So little background on French. As I mentioned, he was an attorney for a literal hate group, the Alliance Defending Freedom. He signed the infamous Nashville statement, which in addition to being against gay marriage, says, quote, it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism, end quote. He was also a talking head in the documentary Young Trans and Looking for Love, where he misgendered a trans teen and called her, quote, a deeply confused teenager on the verge of mutilating himself

for the sake of hoping to find love with straight men, end quote. What the fuck is wrong with this, people? He's like, this is a complex issue with many facets. Sex with me, it's about sex with my man penis. I'm the reason for gender identity. Really? Yeah. Sex with straight men is what you think the issue is here? Mm-hmm. But it gets worse. When California introduced a bill banning gay conversion therapy, French took to the National Review where he called it another attack on free speech by progressives. And last but certainly not least, listeners to our podcast might remember when he called trans service members LGBT mind control, saying, quote,

this move, by which he means allowing trans people in the military, isn't about national security. It's about social engineering. Many members of the military will spend their entire careers without encountering a single transgender soldier, but they will endure hour upon hour of diversity training, thought control, and radical LGBT theology. End real quote. Jesus Christ. I love that they've turned social engineering into their scare phrase, right? That's another term for progress.

Yeah. And yet, the New York Times, strangely, chose to mention none of that illustrious resume in their intro letter about him, calling him instead a, quote, expert on the law, faith, and politics, and, quote, willing to call out those who normally share his beliefs when he believes they've wandered astray, end real quote. In fact, they didn't mention his work with the ADF in his biography at all. Weird. Okay, okay, Eli, but every single employer, they don't have a dedicated team

that knows how to investigate stuff about politics and check up on people. It's just unrealistic. Yeah, well, and to be fair, though, I feel like expert on faith is pretty much a synonym for bigot, right? Mm-hmm, yeah. I mean, other than us, except us.

Yeah, right. Yeah. So, look, I know this is the opinion section, but as we've seen a lot of times before, the Times doesn't fucking watermark, this is just some guy who knows nothing about journalism on their opinion page pieces. And even if they did,

it wouldn't make French's backwards opinions any more worth considering. So, I don't know. Maybe feel less bad that you're using your mom's account to read the Times this week. I guess that's what I'm saying. You're using my account.

Wordlebot isn't worth it, though, guys. And finally tonight, in Vagabondage news, we have a follow-up to a story that we covered way the hell back on episode 344 in 2019. And at first, I thought it was going to be

a good news story because the original story was about a pastor and his wife criming the fuck out of some crimes and this is the story of the pastor getting sentenced. So I was hoping to give you guys like a, you know, the wheels of justice move slowly but they move type story. But then I read the fucking outcome and I realized

that this was also an and they don't move very fucking far type story. Cool. Because after being accused of tricking homeless people into involuntary servitude and imprisonment then using their presence to commit benefits fraud to the tune of six figures he was sentenced to a grand total of six months in prison and six months home confinement yeah here's the thing though the legal system actually has a weird protocol for that um we recently watched a documentary about it with Kirk Cameron, and they're supposed to

sentence the guy to own a bigger plantation for enslaving more homeless people. Right, exactly. I'm sorry. I just can't get over this. Six months of home confinement. We all got longer sentences just because COVID existed. Right. Yeah.

So, yeah, let's be clear up front. I would offer to voluntarily go to prison for six months and then hang out at my house for six months in exchange for a hundred grand and a bunch of servants at my beck and call for fucking years and and also let's be clear that the shit this motherfucker did was way worse than just that see victor gonzalez of imperial valley ministries in el centro california along with 11 church leaders, was accused of offering homeless people a place to stay and then locking them into a church building, like deadbolted from the outside, forcing them to do a bunch of unpaid labor, confiscating their IDs and demanding that they turn over any food stamps or social security payments

they might be entitled to. And when they stepped out of line, he allegedly punished them using methods that included threats of starvation this went on for at least five years what the fuck so he was running a joe arpaio for-profit jail plus god in it yes which means this is great he'll be getting a full pardon whenever the next gop president takes power this is fun. And then from there he'll be on Cameo. Culture has a weird pipeline right now. Yeah, right. We're running for Senate. I don't like it. So now, originally

Gonzalez and those 11 other church leaders were charged with fraud, forced labor, document servitude, and conspiracy. They were looking at something to the tune of 20 years in prison of convicted on all counts. But ultimately, charges on everybody but Victor and his wife were dropped, and most of the charges against them were dropped as well. He pled guilty to benefits fraud and got this bullshit slap on the wrist of a sentence, and his wife got time

served. That's it. That's all the justice that they will ever see for enslaving, torturing, and robbing the least fortunate among us. And while I haven't seen any real explanation as to why he received such a light sentence, my guess is that it's because our laws are so fucked up when it comes to religion that prosecutors were legitimately worried that you could make enslaved and tortured drug addicted homeless people sound like perfectly normal church behavior. And they were worried that this was the best they could get. Anyway, on that failed effort at closing on good news, we're going to wrap the headlines

for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, you'll realize that Don Ford has been standing silently off to one side of the podcast the entire time.

Jumanji! What the fuck? Oh, man. Hey, Noah. What's wrong? It's these wireless earbuds. They keep running out of battery. Oh, well, you should try.

Hey, hey, it's me, Ray Ray, the wireless ear buddy. I like to punch dicks and tell people Heath's cell phone number. What is happening? Seriously? I've actually been working on Ray Ray for a while. So if you could not interrupt. Oh, really? Have you? Have you?

Really? Yeah. Okay, fine. No, no, that's cool. That's cool. Excuse me. I'm the anti-Ray Ray. I like to punch Eli's dick and read his old blogs out loud right now.

I have a grenade launcher. I'm actually grenade launcher proof because I have a magic wand. So we are. Hey guys, we're the atheism podcast. Oh, guys. We're the Atheism Podcast. Oh, sure, Noah. That sounds like fun. Magic missile. Shield.

You do the diatribe. We'll write the ads. We could make fun little sketches. Double, triple, abracadabra. Infinity dabra, dabra. Okay, Wolverine versus Batman. Oh, definitely Wolverine. But that just feels like you just like Wolverine. I mean, I do like Wolverine, but he has a healing factor.

Batman doesn't have a healing factor. Batman fights like gods and stuff. So does Wolverine. I mean, I do like Wolverine, but he has a healing factor. Batman doesn't have enough healing. Yeah, but Batman fights like gods and stuff. So does Wolverine. Hey, guys. Are you ready? Noah, question for you. He just likes Wolverine. Are you ready to do Bible Peace Theater? Oh, the part

of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? Yeah, let's do it. Where were we? Isaiah. Oh, that's the one Don does the problematic voice for. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's not problematic. It's Homestar Runner.

Okay, I hate to break it to you, Don, but not everything from the internet in 2003 holds up. That's not true. Eli, you're upsetting Don Ford Voice Advantage and the Adventure. Anyway, anyway, Isaiah has some more prophecies and threats you guys you guys still like new grounds right yeah yeah sure do buddy sure do that's actually my home page oh okay cool yeah heal me heal me god's wrath is upon you and your starvation shall be so great that you shall eat your right hand and when you have eaten

your right hand you shall eat your left hand hold on a second hold on hold on how the hell is that even going to work what what do you mean I mean logistically like I'm going to cut off whatever I'm going to cut my left hand off with

my left hand yeah it just seems tricky yeah no I mean, logistically, like, I'm going to cut off, whatever, I'm going to cut my left hand off with my left hand? Yeah, it just seems tricky. Yeah. No, I mean, everyone does each other's hands. Yeah, but then there's still one guy left with, like, nobody to cut off his last hand, isn't there? Right. We will figure out the specifics at the end of the world. Feels like you haven't thought it through. And there shall come forth

a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots. Who's Jesse? He means the Messiah. Wait, so they got Jesus' name wrong again? Less wrong, and what's more,

from this point on, all the names are going to mean Jesus. Got it. Anyway, that's when God will smote the earth with his breath.

Oh, God. Old man breath. Really bad. Smells like denture cream and Werther's. But that's not all. Just wait till you hear what's going to happen with all the animals.

Lion. Snake. Oh, my God. Come here. Oh, we're hugging. Oh, yeah, we're hugging. You met sheep and lamb, right? This. Oh, yeah, we're hugging. You met Sheep and Lamb, right? This is Sheep and Lamb.

Hi. Hey. Oh, you're dating Sheep and Lamb. I am, yes. Sheep and Lamb. At the same time? Yeah. I mean, it's the end of the world, so.

Sure. So how's the food at this place? Oh, my gosh. So amazing. Lamb actually found it. I know the owner. He knows the owner. I'm sorry, is this place vegan?

Yeah, it's the end of the world. Lions will turn vegan, so. That's fine. I guess I'll have fries or something. You shouldn't eat fried food. Your body actually physically can't digest it. What? Anyway, yeah, I heard you're being handled by children now,

like a cockatrice. Yeah, yeah, man, end of the world. Children will handle snakes and cockatrices, you know. Sure, yeah, yeah, end of the world, end of the world. Totally. I know the owner here. Wait, no, you mentioned that. He does.

I'm telling you guys, it's going to be really bad. Everyone is going to be more murdered. Yeah, you said that like twice now. And then the stars and the sun and the moon are all going to go out. That's not how that works. Oh, and the heavens, and the moon are all going to go out. That's not how that works. Oh, and the heavens will shake, and your wives will be wet. Wait, sorry, is this before or after we're all dead?

Because at a certain point... Oh, oh, oh, and the dragons will lounge around in the pleasant places. Sounds good to me. Wool Dash or Mizzle, you are not a dragon. I was for a little bit over on D&D Minus. Oh, okay. People really like that show.

Check it out if you haven't. What's happening? What, are you getting a percentage? Eli said maybe if season two gets going, I could get a bigger part. Yeah, we said we'd talk about it. Oh, that means no. And out of the soap and sweet shall come forth a cockatrice,

and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent. Okay, sorry, I have to clarify this, what the threat is here. So the cockatrice, a two-legged dragon serpent with a rooster's head oh yeah we used to have very scary and so that's gonna have it's gonna give birth to a different flying snake creature that's on fire oh fire exactly okay but wouldn't it just just die uh i mean i think it's like um file like a dragon okay so is it a dragon um that's unclear okay so i would love it if you and god like got a firmer handle on this. Oh, come on. It's a prophecy. What else do you want from me? Specificity. Well, you're not getting it.

Oh, okay. Oh, and Moab, don't even get me started on what's going to happen to Moab. Sorry, is Moab a person? I think it's like, it's a city? There's a lot of guesses about where Moab is supposed to be.

Oh, yeah. But, yeah. But everyone is going to be eaten by lions. Okay. So, I thought they were vegan now. Cheat day. It's cool. I don't think veganism has cheat days.

It does happen if you're a lion. Okay. has cheat days. It does have them if you're online. Okay. My bowels will sound like a harp for Moab. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, it means like,

oh, I'm going to feel so bad for Moab. Oh, sure, obviously. But it could mean that my farts are going to sound like harps. Is this because you want to do a fucking harp fart sketch? It is, yes. That is what I would like. Oh, man. I cannot believe Taco Bell

had an all-you-can-eat night. Crazy, right? They gotta be losing money on this. With us, they sure did. Oh, sorry. Don't worry about it. It's to be expected. I mean... Dude. What? Mine wasn't on purpose. Oh, guys, that smell has, like, filled the car, and I do not feel good right now.

Yeah, you ate, like, nine Crunchwraps. At least. Yep, there it is. Oh! Dude, are you going to make it? I can pull over. Yeah, that probably is a good idea. Dude.

I can't believe this is still going. Seriously? Did he? Yeah, sure did. And then, and then, the city of tile. Sorry, Isaiah, real quick. What happened to your clothes?

Oh, um, God told me to take them off and keep them off for three years. I see. I mean, it's kind of a miracle if you think about it. Nope, no it's not. Anyway, the city of Tyre is going to be like a prostitute. And God is going to be like a guy who visits the prostitute. And they have like, you know, sex. But then he like doesn't pay.

And then God will be like, don't worry. I'm going to use this money for church. And she'll be like super mad at him. Isaiah? Isaiah? Yeah. Is this a prophecy or is this something that happened to you? It's a prophecy.

Is it? I mean, if we ask around, are we going to find out you're naked because you refused to pay a prostitute and she took your clothes? And chances are it's going to happen. No. 100% what happened. Yep, right on the money. Oh, oh, let's see. What else? Oh yeah, God is going to kill

Leviathan with a sword. That's pretty cool. Oh, oh, oh, you know, this wisdom is like the old saying. If you bring a wise man a sealed book, he won't be able to read it. But if you read it and bring it to someone who can't read it, he still won't be able to read it.

That expression makes no damn sense. So belabored. What does that even mean? Oh, oh, if I don't make sense, it's unproven. Anyway, you will try to carry your belongings through the lands of the fiery serpent, but he will be greatly harsh with you.

Next. Just this? Yep, just that. Do you have any liquids in the bag, sir? I don't think so. I want a water bottle. A water bottle. Oh, yep. Sorry. You gotta drink it and throw it away right now.

Seriously? Or what? Or I'll burn you with my fire breath. Alright, fine. What's the rule again? Liquids have to be under three ounces and in a sealed plastic bag. Right, but there's no limit. ounces and in a sealed plastic bag. Right, but there's no limit. Like, to be clear, I could have different plastic bags with liquids over three ounces combined.

Yes. Why? This makes no sense. That's the policy. I didn't make the policy, sir. Okay, so who did? My dad, the cockatrice essay. And the cockatrice essay.

Also, the vile person shall no longer be called liberal. The vile person will speak villainy, and his heart will work iniquity to practice hypocrisy and to utter error against the Lord. I mean, you guys are hearing that, right? Like, that's... Mm-hmm. But the liberal devises liberal things, and by liberal things shall he stand.

I mean, guys, that one is... Eli, what's the rule? No agreeing with the Bible even when the Bible agrees with us. Exactly. Can we at least make some t-shirts? I said we could talk about it. Oh, that means no.

Hey, Isaiah. Oh, hey guys. What's up? So, yeah, we're a little worried that thousands of years from now, there are going to be people who take the Bible literally. And like really literally. Yeah. So, would you mind saying some absolutely batshit, 100% impossible things,

just to make sure they don't? Oh. You mean like, um, and all the hosts of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll, and all their hosts shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree.

Yeah, rolling up the heavens is good. And I think he said that stars are going to fall out of the sky, too. That's excellent. Oh, also, also, just to be safe, unicorns are real, and they're coming to kill everyone at the end of the world. Now, we don't have to worry about anyone taking this book literally. Yeah, no, that should do it. Isaiah, Isaiah.

Yes, what's the problem? Yeah, the king of Assyria has insulted God and attacked us. King Hezekiah would like you to pray for us. Oh, yeah, don't worry about it. to pray for us. Oh, yeah, don't worry about it. I am going to white him a very strongly worded letter. Actually, technically, I'll white you a letter

to white a letter to him. But same difference, right? Sure. And then... And then an angel will kill them in their sleep. Oh, nice, nice. Nice.

Just maybe lead with that rather than the male thing. Oh, no. Not really looking for notes. Sorry. Also, can't help but notice you're still naked. Oh, yeah. Champagne still won't give them back. I knew it.

And on that note, and with the knowledge that there's still more Isaiah to come, we're going to wrap things up until next month's installment of Bible Peace Theater. Before we reholster this gun, I want to say, Duval! Sorry, sports thing. Jaguars don't reward one's fandom all that often, and you gotta soak it the fuck up when they do. Anyway, sorry, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister association, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't earn the scathing atheist title of,

I neglected to thank Heath Enright, Neal I Bosney for picking up my slack on next week's SceptreCat. So I can go to the Jags game. Damn right. I'm going to be there. Look for me on TV. I'll be the one in teal. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions for

accompanying me to said Jags game and agreeing that it technically counts as date night. I also want to thank the Jags for making it into the playoffs, despite finishing the worst record in the NFL last year. Sorry, I will talk about other stuff now. I also want to thank the Australian team from Recovering From Religion for providing this week's Farnsworth quote

and more importantly, for providing support for people recovering from religion. Be sure to check out recoveringfromreligion.org or check the show notes for a handy link. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most magnificent mammals, Brenda Kelly, Marcus, Hadari Mack, Matt, Michael, Samantha, and Ryan.

Brenda, Kelly, and Marcus, who are hot enough to sublimate tungsten. Hadari Mac and Matt, who are cool enough to glaciate. And Michael, Samantha, and Ryan, who are so bright the sun complains about them being in its eye. Together, these eight amiable atheists aided in our aims to alienate the Abrahamic faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has money, but now we do, and that's nice. Anyway, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your money on playoff tickets, I feel you. I feel you on a deep, deep level. Anyway, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who was sort of the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

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