The Scathing Atheist - 518: Surgeon Popularity Edition

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

In this week’s episode, we’ll give George Pell the musical send off he deserves, a 6-foot tall spray painted dick in Fort Lauderdale gives Mar-a-Lago some competition, and Tom and Cecil will be here because they initially thought ‘vitriol’ was a kind of lube. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance: https://www.dissonancepod.com/ Check out Skeptics in the Pub Online here: https://sitp.online/ --- Headlines: Cardinal Pell dies: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/10/world/australia/cardinal-george-pell-dead.html Lil Nas X posed with The Wiggles & conservative parents cannot handle it: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/01/lil-nas-x-posed-wiggles-conservative-parents-cannot-handle/ One Million Moms protesting Disney for same-sex couple existence in Firebuds cartoon: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/01/christians-protesting-disney-time-dont-like-cartoon/ The pandemic hurt church attendance, especially among younger Americans: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/the-pandemic-hurt-church-attendance-especially-among-younger-americans/ UK censors Demi Lovato posters for causing "serious offense to Christians": https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/01/uk-censors-demi-lovato-posters-causing-serious-offense-christians/ Shady NZ church stiffs investigator they hired to investigate them: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/new-zealand-arise-church-charlotte-cummings-punish-investigator/ A giant pink phallus may come to Florida, thanks to Jesus and an atheist: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/a-giant-pink-phallus-may-come-to-florida-thanks-to-jesus-and-an-atheist/

Warning, if the profanity is the part of the show that offends you, that's pretty fucked up. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new airline for flat earthers, Planes on Planes, where we fly you anywhere you want to go for free, but we base the route on your map of the world, and then we make you parachute out. Planes on Planes, because I'll put your money where your mouth is. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm David. I'm Igor. And I'm Brian. And there's nothing we hate more than the

cynical use of this feature for shameless self-promotion. That's why we're not going to tell you about Skeptics and the Pup online. We're certainly not going to mention that we run fantastic live talks on the second and fourth Thursday of each month. Or that you can check out our huge back catalogue on either YouTube or our podcast. There is one thing we'd like to mention, though. Since we have enjoyed the company of Drunk Marsh first-hand, we can assure you

that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey humans. It's 10-year anniversary Thursday. It's January 19th. And it's gun appreciation day? It's January 19th. And it's gun appreciation day? Yes. Big thanks to guns for keeping Disney World less crowded.

Ooh, I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from George Santos' New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia. He lied about it. This is The Scathing Atheist. In Wakehurst, Georgia, he lied about it. This is The Scathing Atheist. Off this week's episode,

we'll give George Pell the musical send-off he deserves. A six-foot-tall spray-painted dick in Fort Lauderdale gives Mar-a-Lago some competition. And Tom and Cecil will be here because they initially thought vitriol was a kind of lube. But first, the diatribe. So there we are. Lucinda, me, and 70,248 of our closest friends all on our feet, all holding our breath. On the field, the game's final timeout is winding down and Jacksonville's kicking unit is getting ready for the field goal that will cap off an improbable comeback and send them on to the next round of the playoffs.

After trailing in the second quarter 27-0, the home team mounted a historic rally and battled back to a score of 28-30. And here we are, three seconds and three points away from the third biggest comeback in NFL postseason history. And then the snap. Perfect hold. Our kicker, Riley Patterson, steps up. He swings his leg like an ax into the heart of every Chargers fan, and he drills the ball straight down the center for a 36-yard field goal and a one-point victory. The crowd goes nuts. We're all screaming. We're all high fiving. I'm hugging the strangers, even though I hate hugging people almost as much as I hate strangers on the field. The Jaguars team and their staff rush in to celebrate. They hoist Riley Patterson up in celebration of the victory. And as they do, his arms rise to his neck and desperately grope at his collar so that

quick before the cameras can cut away he can pull out his goddamn cross necklace and present it to the television audience like he was trying to ward off a fucking vampire and that's all you saw if you were watching at home but for those of us in the stadium we got to watch him rush up and down the fucking sidelines showing his cross to everyone in attendance. So we knew good and damn well, which religion just kicked the game winner. What message are you sending, bro? What is being communicated by doing that? I mean, I get that he's letting everybody know that he's Christian, but to what end? Is he saying Jesus likes me better than the Chargers kicker? That he likes Florida better than California?

That Riley cheated and used Jesus magic at the end? I mean, it's a 36-yard field goal, man. An extra point is 33. Unless you're kicking for the Dallas Cowboys, you should be able to make a 36-yard field goal without resorting to superpowers or otherworldly favors. Or maybe he's just trying to give all the credit to God, right? But it's a bit presumptuous to think that all the credit was something that was his to give, right? Jesus Christ Almighty needs to get in line behind Trevor Lawrence, Doug Peterson, and Travis Atien Jr. And forgive me,

but I don't see anything remotely humble in the message. This isn't because I practice really hard and or am physically gifted. It's because I chose to correct religion and overtly displayed its symbols. I know this is tricky for Christians, but it's not that I'm good. It's that the very creator of the universe likes me better. That's the opposite of humility. creator of the universe likes me better. That's the opposite of humility. Okay. All the more so when you're doing it on behalf of a team of 55 guys without their approval. I mean, seriously, we see this shit all the time and I'm genuinely curious what the point is. Because for a person like myself who was never religious in that way, it seems like he's saying, see, I'm not a Muslim. No, no fucking Muslim could have done that because Jesus doesn't love him.

In fact, I genuinely can't think of anything else that it could communicate. I mean, I guess I could phrase it in a way that's less of an indictment. But the most generous interpretation I can come up with for this message is, I am a member of the in-group. And what a terrible time to send that message. The beauty of that moment was that with the exception of a smattering of very disappointed Chargers fans, everybody in the group was united in celebration. 70,000 people all overjoyed together for the same reason in the same moment.

Black, white, Republican, Democrat, young, old, atheist, and believers all joined in a singular celebration of that precise moment. And your instinct in that incredible moment is to say, no, no, me, my group, in group, in group. I mean, it's hard to imagine a time that that would be less appropriate,

but it's even harder to imagine a time that it would be at all appropriate. All right, we're talking about using your time at the mic to say, I'm part of the majority. Hooray, the majority. Pretty much all times are bad for that. I guess you could argue that church would be a good time for it, but then you're arguing that church is good for something and we have to veer off into a whole different diatribe. The point is, is that the message is necessarily exclusionary. And what's more, it's pretty much nothing but exclusionary. And not just to non-believers or members of other faiths, by the

way. I'm willing to bet that there are a few Christians on the Chargers roster too. Hell, I don't have to guess because Riley's wasn't the only ostentatious display of religiosity I saw that night. The other big one happened right before kickoff. One of the Chargers players runs to the 50-yard line just as everybody's going back to the locker rooms and very conspicuously prays in the center of the field Bremerton style. But I guess he didn't pray good enough, right? Or Riley double plus unprayed or that dude looked at a woman with lust in his heart afterwards or something because in the end, God chose the Jaguars. So Riley Patterson, kicker for the Jacksonville Jaguars. So Riley Patterson, kicker for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Fuck you for the garish display of Christianity. But also I forgive you because holy shit, what a fucking game. And if it takes, you know, publicly bragging that a magical space pedophile

has given you superpowers for you to knock them down, I reluctantly support it for the duration of this playoff run. But after that, reread your Bible, pay particular attention to Matthew 6, 5, and 6, and get back in the fucking closet.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Ross Maticic and Logan Cook to my Riley Patterson, Heath Edright, and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to kick things off? Podcast. Duval. No, it's actually good.

I am the kicker of this podcast. I do the least amount of work. I get the most amount of credit when I succeed. I'm the whitest. It's all coming together. Hold on. The whitest? Yeah, right.

Right. Exactly. Also, that's the long snapper the holder and the aforementioned kicker for the jacksonville jaguars who combined in the clutch to win us the game last saturday so no eli you would be the holder i get to be the kicker who douchely flaunted his jesus jewelry after the kick you're also the punter though uh which would be fun to watch i've always wanted to be a long snapper. Nice. In our lead story tonight, we're a little late to this party,

but we've got a dead bad guy to celebrate because right about the time we finished our headlines last week, we learned that professional child rape enabler and amateur child rapist, George Pell, finally got around to ceasing to exist. Oh!

Be-be-be-be-be! Be-me-a! Boing! The 81-year-old Cardinal spent his long and storied career covering up for and excusing child rape, while occasionally turning crackers into dead carpenter flesh with his magic powers. His way-too-late death came after complications with a hip surgery, and his last words were reportedly, quote, Ha, Benedict, I outlived you, you miserable piece of end quote.

Okay, I wonder how the Vatican people are interpreting God's priorities from this. Right? Like some record keeper guy is like, huh, okay. Pedophile enabler cardinal, 81. Nazi pedophile enabler pope, 95. I'm writing that down. We're getting good data today. That's what I mean.

Also, can we just say, leave it to George Pell to do one last evil thing by making our show fall behind by a week, right? He got us one more time at the end, damn it. One last time at the end. So yeah, for those of you uncomfortable with the idea of celebrating a man's death, I want to emphasize

the fact that the alternative here would be him still being alive. Right. And that sucked. While alive, Pell oversaw rampant and unchecked sexual abuse of children. According to a 2017 Australian government inquiry, he was aware of the scope of the abuse as early as 1974. Right. Before even I was born and did nothing to prevent a lot of errands he had a lot of errands well right you know a lot of shit to do a lot of financial stuff so he was convicted of course in 2018 on five counts of child sex abuse but that conviction was later overturned by a higher court with no more convincing argument than come on but perhaps chief amongst his crimes and certainly chief amongst the reasons he got

promoted up to third in command of all the fucking catholicism is that he was the architect of the compensation system that the church used for abuse victims and still uses by the way wherein they offer a small settlement with no real investigation up front in exchange for an nda gross yeah and like we try to keep the new listener in mind here at Scathing Atheist, but I can pretty confidently say that if you don't like us celebrating the death of a literal dead child rapist,

this is not going to be the podcast for you. You're not going to have a good time. No, probably not. I'm the friendly guy. He's nice. I was really just mostly setting up the joke. Exactly. One more, One more.

Get on board with the morning show. We're not just here to celebrate the death of the bad guy, right? There's also a hero in this story that's in need of recognition. And for that, we're going to turn things over to our very own Anna Bosnick. Anna. I'm here to tell a tale about a brave and noble hero Who sensed an evil at a ten and brought it down to zero We'll sing our praise and let our voices grow

Because the whole damn world It needs to know We'll say thank you to the surgeon Who accidentally killed George Pell We know you thought you made a mistake But you've actually done quite well We know lots of people are mad at you But we'll lend you our support In fact, we would like to make you

The hip surgeon for the Supreme Court Now people will think you're Illuminati But we think you're Illuminates The only way that you could have done it better Is if you had killed him twice So raise your voice We'll sing our praises loud The only thing you need to know is

You made the world proud Yes, thank you to the surgeon Who accidentally killed George Bell I know you thought you made a mistake But you've actually done quite well. We know a lot of people are mad at you, but we'll lend you our support. In fact, we would like to make you the hip surgeon for the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court.

Everybody now thank you to the surgeon who accidentally killed George Pell. We know you thought you made a mistake, but you've actually done quite well. We know lots of people are mad at you, but we'll lend you our support. In fact, we would like to make you the hip surgeon for the Supreme Court. Thank you to the surgeon who accidentally killed George Pell. We know you thought you made a mistake But you've actually done quite well We know lots of people are mad at you But the land you are support

In fact, we would like to make you The lip surgeon for the Supreme Court. I don't get so good. The hip surgeon for the Supreme Court. Okay, I just want to say. So good. That song has been stuck in my head all week. Now it's going to be stuck in all of your heads.

And enjoy experiencing what I experienced, which is several times this week. Someone's been like, oh, what you humming? And I've had to be stuck in all of your heads And enjoy experiencing what I experienced Which is several times this week Someone's been like oh what you're humming And I've had to be like nothing Nothing A normal song Name some songs No I'm in Georgia I'd be like it's about Catholics And they go like oh that's fine

Get em And next up in headlines Anna What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. Wow, back so soon. That's right. We have another news story on the scathing atheist.

And a big thanks to Rob for sending us the link on the newly created scathingnews at gmail.com, where everyone can give us helpful news tips. Wait, wait, wait. Keith, you're saying people that send us news tips

to scathingnews at gmail.com can have sex with the host of their choice? Definitely not what I said. No.

But we're not not saying that. No, we are. It's just so clear what we were saying. You can use Heath's body like a towel rack.

Okay. That I'll allow. So maybe the last thing. So this story all started when rapper Lil Nas X was being a gay black person with money and power and success the other day. And that's already terrifying. But then

he took a picture with some people. So full panic. The other people in the picture were the Wiggles, the Australian children's music group. And when the Wiggles posted the picture on social media last week, Christian people lost their goddamn minds

because they're pretty sure Lil Nas X is a literal demon who works for Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Which is amazing because Lil Nas X is a literal demon who works for Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Which is amazing because Lil Nas X is like the third least scary person in all of history behind Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross. He's delightful. Being scared of him is the silliest aspect of a story about being angry at the Wiggles. Yeah. Okay.

But to be fair, now I'm picturing Mr. Rogers giving a lap dance to Satan, and I am aroused. Sure. Won't you be my neighbor, Satan? So, here's a little background on the demonic origin story that they believe, and also about the genius work by Lil Nas X in Streisand affecting the fuck out of Christian idiots for fun and profit. It started when he released a single in 2021 called Montero, Call Me By Your Name. And that went along with a video in which Lil Nas does

a lap dance for Satan, just daring a bunch of Christian people to have a freak out and make the song even more popular. And of course, they all dove into that briar patch and helped the album go platinum within three weeks. It probably would have already, but they helped a little bit. He also released a shoe collaboration in which he took a Nike Air Max 97, put a pentagram thing on the laces and put a drop of human blood in the soul. and put a drop of human blood in the soul. And he made exactly 666 pairs. And once again, Christian people had to freak out.

It got a whole bunch of attention. And he made about $678,000 in less than a minute when they immediately sold out upon release. You know some poor kid's mom was pouring blood on a pair of New Balances at home. See, now you have your own pair. Nobody at school is going to know. Different mom. You'll see.

No, they're not going to know. Trust me. So obviously different. Trust me. Yeah. So every Christian parent who follows the Wiggles became terrified when they saw the photo on Instagram with the caption, new collab in the wind. And they all started writing angry posts

in this voice about how they're disappointed in the Wiggles for associating with a known gay demon. But in the video, he kills Satan, right? The lap dance was just to lure him in and put him off his guard.

Christians should love that shit. Exactly. They're just jealous because they can't pull off the thigh-high boots. Let's be honest. That makes sense. And in a related story, one million moms, Anna. What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. She's got to be so exhausted. That's right right we have another freak out as usual with omm yeah you know them they heard about a disney cartoon with two moms and they freaked out which by the way two moms way closer to the size of their hate group than the number of one like way closer and just for the record, the show on Disney is called Fire Buds. It's delightful. It's about kid

first responders and their talking vehicles. And the moms are worried about all the lessons regarding sexuality contained in that show. So, yeah, TLDR, the bigots had another meltdown and they still don't know how to count.

No, they do not. And in a significant amount less duh news. So stupid. What? I have no idea what you're going for. More duh? No duh. No duh?

Less duh. Less than no. What? Bad at this job. Ten years. So bad. Blow some cotton off your jewel. Cover your body in a giant hoodie and abandon gender, my friends, because the kids these days are killing God.

That's right. Thanks to a study released late last week from the American Enterprise Institute and the University of Chicago, we now know just how few young people are attending church these days. And to you young people, I say welcome. Or as you would say, YOLO. Or as Christian people would say,

YOLF. Do they say YOLF? YOLO forever? Talk about the boy who cried wolf though, right? Cause like, like here, the Xennials are killing God himself.

Right. But when the boomers try to warn people, we're all like, well, didn't you say the same thing about mayonnaise, though, and barred soap? You did a red cup thing last time, right? No, I promise, they really, see? Yeah, so for all those young people

listening to us for the first time, welcome. This is a podcast. It's kind of the vaping of radio, we will. What? I'm Eli, that's Noah, that's Heath. We're kind of the vaping of radio. We will. What? I'm Eli. That's Noah. That's Heath.

We're young and cool, just like you. Please don't Google our actual ages or our physical appearances. Anyway, we know there's a lot of you to thank for this survey, which reported that church attendance took a sharp hit among people under 30 during the pandemic. Before COVID hit, 30% of people, 18 to 29, said they didn't attend religious services, which was already remarkably high. And by the spring of 2022,

that number had jumped to 43%. Okay, that's a lot of people. You might even call church non-essential based on that data. Unless, hold on, wait a a second you guys hear that do you hear that catastrophic consequence oh sorry no never mind it was nothing it was nothing i was hearing absolutely nothing now as will surprise nobody liberals were more likely to attend church less often but demographically speaking in the past atheists have actually made a much larger

chunk of older populations even when you just count the nuns atheists have actually made a much larger chunk of older populations, even when you just count the nuns. So that's actually an exciting change. And it's worth noting that everyone, regardless of denomination, has attended church less over the last few years. Quote from the report here, quote, before the coronavirus pandemic, 75% of Americans reported attending religious services at least once a year, including about one quarter, 26%, who attend regularly at least a few times a month. By spring of 2022, roughly two-thirds of the public reported attending religious services at least once a year, end quote. And it's not just young people skipping church permanently. This phenomenon is true across age groups.

Again, quote from the report here. Before the pandemic, one in four Americans reported that they never attended religious services. By spring of 2022, that share increased to 33%. Wow. So I feel like the most encouraging thing about this shit is how broadly they have to define church attendance to even get a bare majority right like regularly is just a couple of times a month not even weekly and attending means at least as often as i change the batteries in my smoke detectors anyway and even then they can barely scrape together a majority that's like a demographic white flag there's so many things i do once a year and i'm i'm not like

a that thing goer that's right yeah exactly i have i have been to a religious service once this year right i was a dick about it but i was there they made me they made the mistake of having me in a room now i will say that this report doesn't make any super strong claims about why this is. They certainly acknowledge that COVID denialism and religious extremism in politics are factors, but there's one key factor over the last few years.

Nay, over the last 10 years, I think they forgot. That's right. This podcast. What's been around since 2020? Us. We've been around for the last couple of years. People have been going less to church.

Cogito ergo sume. Nope. You're welcome, America. Now, all we need is to teach these young folks that signing up for Patreon is cooler than dabbing. We'll be all set. Next up in headlines, Demi Lovato is not a cishet Christian person.

Anna? Anna? I'm on my 15. Okay. Yep. 15. Got it. Got it.

Got it. Well, a person did a non-Christian thing in public and the religious people are having a meltdown. And big thanks to Benjamin for sending us this story. Religious people are having a meltdown. And big thanks to Benjamin for sending us this story. So this one comes out of the UK, where government officials have banned a promotional poster that features non-binary pop star Demi Lovato

laying down on a bed shaped like two perpendicular rectangles of slightly different length. And that's a cross, and christianity owns that geometrical formation oh especially once you put a person on it yeah and listener let me assure you that whatever you're picturing as he describes that the actual poster is less risque than that so much less risque the only thing that makes this offensive to christians is the presence of a non-binary pansexual on it. And look, it's like, oh, the Lord is fine with my cross truck nuts and my cross bikini

and my cross machine gun with my bacon-dipped cross bullets, but a spot for lying down, my delicate sensibilities are destroyed. Yeah. Right, so the poster was placed in six different locations around London to advertise Lovato's new album called Holy Fuck, spelled with a V instead of a U. So the Christian idiots were already mad about the cultural appropriation of their, you know, H-E double hockey sticks type of loophole that fools the God of the universe in their minds.

That's their thing. Demi Lovato stole it. And to make it worse, Lovato appears in the poster wearing a, yeah, like Noah said, it's not risque. It's like a mildly revealing leather outfit. And Lovato is bound up in leather straps. Which makes it less revealing. Yeah.

Right. They cover up something, if anything. And Lovato's lying on a cross-shaped bed but four people in london flew into a rage when they saw the poster and they lodged official complaints with the uk's advertising standards authority or asa the aggrieved poster seers claimed the ads were likely to cause serious or widespread offense and were irresponsibly placed where kids could see them. And the ASA agreed with all that.

She said where kids could see. Of all the ways a kid in England is going to see a cross, this is the one least likely to wind up with them getting raped. I feel like these people are offended wrong. Yeah. Also, what the fuck is wrong with the asa i swear everyone under the age of 50 in england is a completely sane secularist and everyone over the age of 50 is a fucking frowning statue of miss marple somehow i don't

know what happened it's a weird line so the asa told Lovato's music company that the poster in its current form is banned. And they released the following statement. This is from the ASA. Quote, the image of Lovato in a position with their legs bound to one side, which was reminiscent of Christ on the cross, together with the reference to holy fuck, which in that context was likely to be viewed as linking sexuality to the sacred symbol of the crucifix, all that was likely to cause serious offense to Christians. Jesus. Yeah. With their arms bound to the sides like Jesus. Famously. Jesus. If you look at this image and think of Jesus on the cross,

that is a kink between you your partner and your novelty butt plug but don't pretend it's like a normal thing to conclude yeah also you know what causes serious offense to christians demi lovato existing right exactly do we want to listen to pretend feelings or are you editing them off the poster no matter what? Like, you tell me where we stop caring about very serious feelings, the ASA. Just Demi Lovato

on a poster anywhere. Lil Nas X on a poster anywhere. Just doing anything. Yep, that would be offensive to those feelings. Those are not valid.

So, this whole thing is fucking stupid and highlights the general concept that when a country tries to limit free speech, even when the motivation is a good one, like cutting down on hate speech concept that when a country tries to limit free speech, even when the motivation is a good one, like cutting down on hate speech, that's a great

motivation. It can sometimes help ridiculous religious people enforce blasphemy type laws. It's a fine line at times, and the UK should consider a little recalibration to address this particular topic. But regardless, the Christian freakout is clearly just helping out Demi Lovato with some free publicity. So big thanks to the Christian out freakers for helping promote the heretical non-binary pop star. And hopefully Lovato's team is going to respond

with some kindness of their own by republishing the ad with, I would say, a bed in a slightly different shape so as to avoid any more geometric persecution of all the downtrodden christian people in the uk right yeah okay but the old bed what she's lying in the same jesus owns knees to the right you can't we also that's parallelogram We get parallelogram version of that too. That's bullshit. And in a rise-wide-shut

news tonight, one of the common tactics for churches that find themselves embroiled in scandal is to feign outrage, very publicly hire an independent investigator or auditor, and then very privately fire said investigator or auditor as soon as the outcry subsides,

or just bury their report or obstruct their investigation that you yourself commissioned, or some combination of those three. But sometimes that goes wrong, and the report they try to suppress gets leaked to a reporter. And in those instances, the only thing left for them is retribution. And that's the part of the story we're in with the Arise Church in New Zealand, which is now refusing to pay the legal fees incurred by their investigator when she got sued by former church members for doing the job they hired her to do. Okay, so the plaintiff is suing for the cause of, come on, cut it out. Is that what it says? Yeah, yeah. Wow, not paying their legal bills. Man, Trump really has influenced the church after all these years. All the way around the world now.

Yeah. So the problems for Arise started last year when journalist David Farrier wrote a story about a series of troubling allegations, including physical abuse, emotional manipulation, sexual harassment, and more. For fuck's sakes, there were accusations that these people had so-called interns that were paying them for the privilege of working there. Anyway, Arise's leadership pretends to be shocked. The founders and lead pastors, John and Jillian Cameron, resign, and they hire an independent investigator to look into things.

But she looks into things way too good, apparently, so the church sits on the report. so the church sits on the report. But then, after the date the church promised to release the report comes and goes multiple times, the report somehow finds its way into the inbox of David Farrier, who, of course, posts it online. Okay, the hiring meeting for those investigators by the church must be a confusing conversation. Madam Investigator, so here's what we're looking for we need you to find any evidence of abuse

got it find abuse uh okay i i feel like you just said it back normal we want you to find abuse you get it yeah find abuse Find abuse. I got it. Nope. Nope. No. Okay. Watch my hands doing the air quotes. We need you to find any evidence of abuse.

You got it? Oh, okay. You want me to find the abuse. Exactly. Exactly. Awesome. You're hired. I found abuse.

God damn it now okay so this report was fucking nuts it had so much more bad shit than the bad shit that had already been reported up to that point stuff like targeted sexual harassment questionable financial practices, unwanted nudity, and a crazy racist directive to, quote, focus on white kids, end quote, in terms of conversion. And I guess knowing what was going to be in it, John and Jillian Cameron sued to block its publication. Now, this was a meritless suit, didn't go anywhere, but the investigator still had to hire a lawyer and in so doing incurred about $22,000 in legal fees so you know she just taxed this under the bill for the investigation because fucking duh of course she would but the church refuses to reimburse her for them which means

that like their interns she ended up paying to work for them okay but hear me out hear me out morally speaking that investigator can steal 22 grand from a rise right just grab a bench girl whatever you want to do it's we're on your side you probably have to grab a couple you have to probably get a couple yeah and finally tonight in the meek shall inherit the girth news the city of fort lauderdale florida might finally be getting the godless dick it deserves. And it's all thanks to professional theocracy whisperer, Chaz motherfucking Stevens. He is my favorite.

The last time we talked about Chaz, he was trolling the lawmakers in Texas who passed a law requiring public schools to display In God We Trust on a prominent sign. So in response to that, he donated hundreds of free signs with the phrase written in Arabic, because technically that satisfies the law. Well, this week, he has a new project. In response to a Christmas display and a Hanukkah display in a public square in Fort Lauderdale,

Chaz decided to apply for a permit to erect a giant pink penis in the same location to celebrate Kanamara Matsuri and Shinto Festival of the Steel Phallus. What I love about this is that somebody probably said, Come on, Chaz, I get the message that you're trying to send with your antics, but you don't have to be a giant dick about it. And he was like, a giant dick about it. Exactly. That's perfect. See, what I love most about Chaz is that all

Christians ever have to do to defeat him is separate church and state. Yep. At all. In any way. But nope. I guess we have to have a giant penis at the town hall because otherwise how would they know who was away in a manger? So here's the specs of the giant penis that Fort Lauderdale is legally required to allow.

Oh, we got specs. I'm getting this from the Wile E. Coyote style blueprint that Chaz drew up and sent to the city. The hot pink public dick statue. It's going to be six feet tall from taint to tip and four feet wide from outer left ball to outer right ball. It has a vegan construction, which is, quote, meat without meat. has a passive infrared pir device that can detect human motion within several meters and set off a confetti cannon that explodes from the tip does the blueprint specify the refractory period or does not does it shoot more confetti if you're wearing a maid's outfit maybe so there's no guarantee that he'll get the permit from, you know, whatever guy and pleaded fucking khakis and a phone holster is working at Fort Lauderdale City Commission when that permit comes in.

Stevens has tried similar projects in the past, and the liars just Matsuri, the Shinto religion's holiday, is more of a cultural thing than a religious thing. It's the culture of the religion Shintoism. And of course, we all know that a public Christmas tree, this fits. That's 100% exactly religious. It has zero cultural elements. Of course, yes. I'm just saying, if he gets this, though, Eli should demand a circumcised one next to it for, like, Jewish atheist Shintoists.

Sure. I mean, Noah, honestly, I've already gone through enough legal battles about getting my Jewish atheist penis out on the lawn of dearborn beaches city hall i need to leave that part of my life behind me noah i'm a new man now so deerfield beach also tried to claim the display would quote create a safety hazard what even though i gotta say it's by far the safest penis in the entire state i mean like never once been investigated for child sex trafficking. It's safer than pretty much all the ones you got.

Well, just to be extra safe with the terrifying statue and its payload of shrapnel like confetti, Stevens added a safety measure. He'll be putting up an eight foot tall fence around the phallus from now on with clear signage that says R-rated content inside. Hopefully the sign's in Arabic. And he's going to have room inside the fence for public viewing and tables for maybe groups that want to fundraise for his cause, which is AIDS research and LGBTQ awareness, which is great. I see where this is going, okay? The year is 2030. Chaz Stevens' penis is the largest standing structure in the state of florida so christians don't have to have an official state religion

and just for the record we have some pretty good data on the safety hazard issue turns out people in japan have been celebrating this for decades and there's never been a stampede and a giant orgy of violence after somebody was like, pink metal penis murder. Like that's never happened. Although I will say that being said, in fairness to Florida, their people might do that. Yeah, for sure. Either way, though, if the permit gets rejected, it sets up a clear religious discrimination lawsuit for chas stevens against florida and florida might end up paying for a bunch more giant metal dicks so great work by chas all right and with the promise that desantis might not be florida's most expensive

giant dick i guess we can close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always and when we come back tom and cecil will show up and i'll immediately insult them it's how we fly well the charitable part of our vulgarity for charity fundraiser may be over but the vulgarity part isn't and that means it's time to welcome back Tom and Cecil's number one fans, Tom and Cecil. Gentlemen, welcome back. Number one fan? I'm my only fan. Come on. Speaking of only fan, I've been subscribing to myself since I was 14. The Patreon version of Season Liberally gets aggressively sexual. It does. It does. I like it. Now, before we jump right in with the mean,

we need to thank our favorite kind of donor here at Vulgarity for Charity, those who give and ask nothing in return. Starting with the one and only favorite listener of ours, April Poff,

who gave us $250 out of the kindness of her heart. Thank you, April. That's right, but that's not all. We also got donations without requests

from David B., Brett S., Erica C., Sage B., and Sally F. And of course, we can't forget Rick P, Chris M, Janine T, and Bruce S, who also deserve the most thankful of thanks. And last but the opposite of least, big thanks to Ben B, Amelia, Mark G, and Jake S, who are better givers than that weird old guy from the book you read in middle school.

All right. Enough of the mushy stuff. Let's get to the roasting. Now, I should point out that at this point, I believe we've taken care of all of our randomly chosen roasts. So these fine folks bought their way to the top, and we couldn't be more grateful. So Cecil, you're going to kick things off Logan.

The Elon Musk method. Yeah, exactly. Logan would like a roast for his shitty aunt Brenda. Brenda is the shitty kind of aunt that posts anti-trans stuff while friends with her trans nephew, then gets defensive, tells them only God can decide someone's gender,

and then ends with a very condescending, I love you. She looks like a wax figure someone had planned to transfer a soul into, and then this gave up very condescending, I love you. She looks like a wax figure someone had planned to transfer a soul into, and then this gave up mid-mold. Brenda, Brenda, I know you were widowed young, but have you ever considered that maybe they took the sweet release of death

over having to talk to you every day for the rest of your life? Oh, Jesus Christ. It's going to be funny when she dies, though, and it's the void, right? Right. Because you know for a second heath you're up next all right this is a request from garrett roast my shitty fucking pancreas and thyroid for barely functioning out of my stupid fucking immune system for trying to kill off both of them and us okay Okay, yeah. Fuck you, pancreas, you stupid

corn penis looking motherfucker with your weird corn balls smushed up against Garrett's duodenum. Learn to secrete a polypeptide hormone, you piece of shit. You couldn't move insulin if you were Wilford fucking Brimley himself. Holy shit.

That's so good. And as for that thyroid, we don't speak ill of thyroid, Scarrett. Don't be a bigot. Don't be a bigot. I didn't look up any nerd words for thyroid stuff. Just the pancreas only today. Sorry. All right, Tom.

Kevin would like a roast of my diatribes or maybe he requested a long beep uh because your stupid face who's stupid we will see we will find out at the end of this wait a minute roast a long-winded overly verbose adjective sandwich lay waste to repetitive outrage-laden turns of phrase which while perhaps poetic and assuredly allurative, serve to fill time and space while certainly lacking the kind of true emotional heft that they might carry if the device were less frequent, if the rage wasn't required, a structural element rather than an organic one? Shall I attack this for you, dear listeners?

Shall I render my butter and burn my bread just to see the crestfallen visage of a co-worker whose livelihood relies upon the same verbosity as this very roast to feed and house his family? No, I'll pass. Fair. Should end with nay, I shall pass. I would never resort to alliteration in the diatribe. I save that for the end. I do that at the end of the show, not at the beginning. All right.

Okay. So with donors as girthy and magnificent as these, Tom isn't the only one throwing around a little poetry. So my challenge here is to deliver the next set of roasts as a haiku. Amazing. I'm going to go first. Travis wanted a roast of his mom's cousin Tammy for the egregious act of taking a goddamn fucking gun to a funeral reception. What?

Then leaving it in her purse in just a big old pile of jackets and shit that children had access to. So here we go. A funeral gun? What, are you trying to get us a two-for-one deal heath this next one is for you hit us with a haiku about justin's anti-vaxxer anti-choice transphobic trump supporting acquaintance ben who drank and smoked himself into a stroke at the age of 26 jesus oh cool yeah all right um like my father said 26. Jesus. Oh, cool.

Yeah. All right. Like my father said, aphasia sucks. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Please die of COVID. Jesus, man. I can't even bring myself to laugh at that. Wow. I can. I'll laugh for a second.

I hope he has really bad aphasia yeah or is already dead of COVID one of the other that would even yo that would be ideal yeah

all right Cecil this next one has your name on it friend of the show and man who may or may not have the scent of French onion

about him Bryce Blankenagle would like you to do a haiku about Christopher Namelka okay bruh

you can't rescue two polygamous ladies by marrying both that's excellent okay tom excited not to have to put you last sarah s wants a roasty haiku for the airplane-related concept of Coffin Corner. Alright, let's... Nobody knows it. The magic of flight a lie. Descend. Descend. Des... Well done, sir.

That was a hell of a challenge. Well done. Yeah, well done. So, Eli, because I know how much you love meta, Casey would like you to roast people who donated but didn't make the cut to get a roast. Oh, all right. You didn't get picked by our chooser that's random.

Try again next year. I don't know if that's a roast, but okay. All right, well done, everybody. Or, you know, done, everybody. Look out for that chapbook coming out in the spring. Alright, gentlemen and Tom, these last seven roasters are our top seven roasters

that are still left after the top roasters that we already did. Aren't we the roasters? Sorry, roasties. Yeah, no roast requesters. Roaster requesters, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, right. No, that's much easier. Thank you. So anyway, these people shelled out a lot of dough.

So I want to welcome anyone to jump in on these and make them worthwhile. I'll go first. Dan F. donated 2,000 smackaroos for me to roast vegetables. So you remember when the Reagan administration said that after-school programming for kids had to be educational, remember when the reagan administration said that after-school programming for kids had to be educational but instead of putting on educational programming they just added the knowing is half the battle psas to gi joe and started listening to a show about quote social consciousness and responsibility end quote yeah so vegetables you are the that of food right you are the knowing is half the nobody wants you there nobody enjoys you being there, but we all pretend

that you matter and that we're totally going to eat you too. For fuck's sake, refrigerators come with a special goddamn drawer so we don't have to watch you die from our neglect. Yeah, vegetables are the cardio of food. Oh, you should really get some more vegetables.

Shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you, G.I. Joe. Fuck you. And can I say, especially carrots. Carrots, your barely tolerable hummus vehicles. Yeah. The second the world finds out about pretzel sticks as a society, you're going the way of the dodo, carrots.

Listen, finger, man. Just go finger. You're fine. You can eat hummus however you want. Spoon. Dan, finger, man. Just go finger. You're fine. You can eat hummus however you want. Spoon. Dan, here's a roast of vegetables.

Okay, first you're going to want to cut away the outside of the Brussels sprout and the core. Nip it off with like a quarter inch and then take off

the outer layer of the leaves then halve the sprouts, toss them in oil, salt, and pepper, roast them in a single layer 15 minutes about 425, then mix about a third of a cup of

balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of honey. Take the sprouts out of the oven, toss them in that, then put them back in the oven. Same pan. Cook them for 15 minutes more. You are going to love Brussels sprouts and vegetables from now on, I guarantee you. A tablespoon of honey. So easy.

Or just put steak on grill for a minute. Right, or just eat real food. Right, right. Microwave hot pocket. Okay, I'm expecting a lot, but just try it, please. Okay? Obviously, the hate here for vegetables is unwarranted and silly. Without vegetables, my vegan nanny wouldn't be able to fill my home with the stench of hot putrefaction

as she roasts marinated jackfruit cosplaying as a McRib. Oh my God. Toast her up. God, it's so bad. It's so bad. Jackfruit does smell like a dead body. It's so bad.

I have a lot of dead bodies in my head. It's terrible. And with another $2,000 donation, Gwen would like us to roast her neighbor and friend, Mark. Mark looks like he'd come in last in the master race. That's all I'm saying. Now, come now, Cecil.

Oh, bravo. Mark is proof that just because someone's outside is hideously deformed, they don't have to be super cool and inspiring on the inside either. Sometimes it's just the whole apple is rotten. It's cool. Yeah, and Mark,

it's really sad what Hannibal Lecter did to your face. Oh, Jesus Christ. You're a Republican, so it's actually not sad. No, no. You can't say what I said at the beginning. This is so mean.

Look, Mark is a guy who believes in the superiority of the white race despite all of the evidence of that being bullshit as plain as the nose on his face. Is there one? Oh, no. Which fell off because his superior white race face got cancer and immigrated itself into a biohazard bag rather than remain joined to Mark. I like to picture the Hannibal Lecter version of the story more. Yep, face cancer. That's fine. I like that we all went after his cancerous Lecter version of the story more. Yep, face cancer.

That's fine. I like that we all went after his cancerous face. That's the classy part. He's like a Mr. Potato Head that's not all there. You know what I mean? He's not all there. Yeah. So, okay.

So, here's another $2,000 donation, hopefully less problematic. Amanda from Georgia would like a roast to Republican voters who continue to justify the party's policies and ideas as being viable even after they lost the Senate. So, I guess she wants Republicans roasted. Oh, I really thought Herschel Walker was our guy. He had that badge and that decoder.

Those were legit. What the fuck happened? That's you. You sound like that. That's you right now. Republicans are the Cincinnati chili of political parties. Thank you. Ridiculous.

Unholy union that is inexplicably popular. I don't understand it. Just chili and sweet cinnamon in defiance of the god of the universe. Yeah, but so I guess like the, but everybody I know thinks ex x fallacy gets worse and worse the more that decent people refuse to associate with you right like i'm i'm as loath as anyone to discourage republicans from continuing down this path but yeah like it's not that people supported your fucking handmaid's tale vision for america It's that millionaires who wanted tax breaks were pretty sure you couldn't pull off

any of the theocratic shit anyway, right? Now you're seeing what people think of those policies when they're legitimate threats, and it's not very much. Yeah. Republicans, at this point, you're, if everyone you meet is an asshole, the political party.

All right, so I also have one here that's actually just for Tom. Amy W. gave us 2,000 smackaroos for you to roast Idaho AG Raul Labrador. Raul Labrador is a typical Republican and that really should just tell you

everything you need to know. But I'll go ahead and fill you in on what that means at this point. It means that he is anti-woman, which cuts out his advocacy for 51% of the population. It means he's anti-LGBTQ, which excludes another 5% or so. He's also anti-immigration, pro-gun, pro-Trump, anti-social safety net. You do all that boring math and what he really is is just another autocrat missionary whose sole purpose in life is to protect

the tyranny of his minority. the minority of the white upper middle class white male, the tyranny of small minds and smaller hearts, the tyranny of red, white, and blue bigotry, the tyranny of a dying bygone hegemony fading into demographic obscurity. Raul Labrador is well-named because he is in fact another sycophantic lapdog of a male supremacist, white supremacist plutocracy. And as much as guys like Raul bluff and bluster otherwise, their days should be numbered

as we mark off the calendar in glee, noting with every passing day his and his elk's inevitable decline from power and descent into hopeless, grueling, personal, and professional obsolescence. We need an advent calendar of that guy not having power.

I like that a lot. Yeah. Just open the window. Nope. All right, let's all take a crack at the New Orleans airport. One time, I visited New Orleans, and there was a garbage can so dirty, I didn't want to go near it to throw my garbage away.

The airport's like that, but less functional. You know, it's named after Louis Armstrong, not because he's New Orleans' favorite son or anything, but because that place moves about the same pace as the guy who died in the 70s. Also, also, can

I buy one single shaded space in your entire fucking airport. I get it. You have sunshine there. We all do. Earth in general has sunshine. Now, please, for God's fucking sake,

give me one spot without Florida ceiling fucking windows anywhere. Yeah, say what you will about the beauty of that city, but one visit to that airport, strong indication that Kanye had a point to make. Oh, God. All right. Here's one I think we can all get behind. Dom donated $2,000 for us to roast

landlords. My favorite landlords are the ones that bought up a bunch of property to take it off the rental market and transform it into Airbnbs right before the pandemic. Cool. Yeah. It's like a Darwin Award, but for finance, you know? That's great. That's great.

And can we talk about how landlords are the only profession where lying about the law until your client looks it up is standard fucking practice? Nobody's ever like, hey, just so you know, the dentist is going to say he gets to keep a few of your teeth, but just write him a letter and he'll stop doing that. He'll leave your teeth alone, but he'll cry. That's a great roast, man. Also, stop calling yourself

landlord. That sounds ridiculous. If I let a friend borrow my car, I'm not like, as your gas chariot potentate, I'll get you to put your firstborn child in fucking escrow until the end of this agreement. Also, please refer to me as

Mileage of the Chariot Phenom. Get the fuck out of here, landlord. Oh, good. All right, and last but certainly not least, Neelish would like to hear from anyone who has some kind things to say about brown people. What?

Oh, this won't come off as patronizing or condescending. No, not at all. I'm going to do what most white people should do when discussing black people, and that's shut up and listen. So go ahead, guys. Well, actually, Cecil, I have something to say. As a podcaster, I have lots of South Asian friends. No, you know what?

Don't chop in the bit there. That was a bit and I chopped it. Everybody heard that? Great. I'm going to pretend that Neelish meant people with Brown in their name. So Katonji Brown Jackson is fantastic. Nice. Well, that one's a twofer. She's one of the best legal scholars and jurists in American history. And also, when Ted Cruz asked her, can a baby be racist in a serious congressional hearing? She responded with such a long,

condescending sigh that the steno couldn't help but type that into the official congressional record. That's real. Somewhere in our national archives, it says, huge exasperated sigh of contempt.

Audible eye roll. I heard it somehow. I have to write this down. I heard the eye roll and then it was KBJ's actual answer. I like your food. Granted, I like all food, but I like yours too.

Okay. Is this a trap? This feels like your food. Granted, I like all food, but I like yours too. Okay, is this a trap? This feels like a trap. If you just have some white guy on a podcast starting off with, here's the things I have to say about brown people, they should probably just go ahead and be careful. Yeah, right, right. Tough one to close on. The best I can come up with is thanks for not giving up on us yet.

Right? I don't know. That's good, yeah. I don't know that they haven't. Alright, well, I'll tell you what, that's going to do it for tonight. There's still plenty more roasts to come, though. Be on the lookout for more on cognitive dissonance coming up soon. Tom Cecil, thanks again so much for

joining us. Thanks for having us, man. Thanks so much for having us. Pop it up. Before we run out the clock tonight, I wanted to say to the Chargers fans that were seated behind me at the Jags game that talked massive amount of shit through the first half. That was me being nice. Okay? I think we should all be grateful that I didn't force actual struggling crows down your throats. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

your throats. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Often Boos, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would feel stale if I neglected to thank Ethan Wright for making me feel alive, Eli Bosnick for making me feel

like laughing, and Lucinda Lusions for making me feel loved. I need to thank Anna Bosnick for working overtime this week. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil for never meeting a charitable cause they wouldn't tell to fuck itself. I I need to thank Anna Bosnick for working overtime this week. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil for never meeting a charitable cause they wouldn't tell the fuck itself. I also need to thank David, Igor, and Brian for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and definitely check out Skeptics in the Pub online. I'll have a link in the show notes, and they

do a fantastic job of curating great content. Highly recommend it. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Elizabeth, Amy, Tony, two fabulous thespians from Dakota Territory, Pax, Justin, Steve by numbers, Toast, Deck, and Brandon. Elizabeth, Amy, Tony, and the thespians from Dakota Territory, Pax, Justin, Steve by numbers, Toast, Deck, and Brandon. Elizabeth, Amy, Tony, and the thespians who are bright enough to make lightning shield its eyes. Pax, Justin, and Steven who are so dreamy the square root of negative one imagines them.

And Toast, Deck, and Brandon who are such treats that my cat came running when I said their names. Together these ten tenacious tender hearts have made our ten dentious tendencies more tenable this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the magnanimous magnificence it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but you've got eggs to buy,

you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Margaret Clark, who also wrote the music we just used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. I'm sitting back on an airworm chair.

I'm sitting back. Ow. Can't get my thighs over the arms. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.