The Scathing Atheist - 524: Moons Over My Grammy Edition

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

In this week’s episode, a book cover will have legally injurable feelings, we'll teach you to find inner peace with the soothing dulcet tones of Marky Mark to guide you, and we’ll take a look back at 2022 just so we can be glad we don’t live there anymore. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Find out more about FreeFlo here: https://www.freeflo.org/ --- Headlines: Christians could sue people who call them homophobic if this GOP bill passes: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/02/christians-could-sue-people-who-call-them-homophobic-if-this-gop-bill-passes/ Those accused of discrimination would have new protections under Florida bill: https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2023/02/23/defamation-andrade-sexuality-race-gender-desantis-libel/ Four Wakefield pupils suspended after Quran damaged at school: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-64757799 OK AG withdraws support for Catholic charter school for fear of Muslim schools: https://www.koco.com/article/oklahoma-ag-gentner-drummond-catholic-charter-school/43051882 and Education leader wants to know just how much Jesus he can get away with: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/oklahoma-education-leader-takes-steps Mark Wahlberg says Hollywood hates religion but he will NOT deny his faith: https://variety.com/2023/film/news/mark-wahlberg-hollywood-hates-religion-deny-faith-1235533272/amp/ 

Warning, the following podcast fucks. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Stamps.com, and by the fact that there aren't very many PSVR2 games yet, because otherwise my ass would be calling in sick this week. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Welcome to the podcastiverse, so glad you could make it. Just a reminder that while Pug of Pegacorns, the Mizzles, and Inside Out Little Girl are born of magic and enchantment, we humans did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's March 2nd. And it's Adopt-a-Rescued Guinea Pig Month. Cool, because sometimes you want a hamster who really, really hates you. Fuck you, those things are awesome. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from George R.R. Martin's, New Jersey,

Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, a book cover will have legally injurable feelings. We'll teach you to find inner peace with the soothing, dulcet tones of Marky Mark to guide you. And we'll take a look back at 2022 just so we can be glad we don't live there anymore. But first, the diatribe. I'm sure I've talked about this on the show before,

but one time when I was in the eighth grade, my English teacher decided that instead of worksheets about gerunds, participles, and infinitives, she was going to warn us about the dangers of Satanism. And to be clear, I went to public schools. So this was as unrelated to her remit as a burlesque show would have been. But she'd heard some terrifying stories about satanic cults at church. And our very lives could be in danger if we didn't recognize the warning signs. I remember the story she told in detail. It was about a kid who joined a satanic cult. then all the other kids took him to this abandoned building and they broke his arms midway up the forearm and they folded him back until the fingers touched the inside of his elbows. And then they broke the rest of his arm and then they folded all of that back and then they did the same shit to his legs and they left him in the abandoned building where ultimately he died of shock.

Now, if you know your evangelical American history, you probably don't need me to tell you what year this happened. Would have been 1990, possibly 91, but I think 1990. It would have been the exact height of the satanic panic. And it wasn't just gullible English teachers mistaking ghost stories for fact at the time. The panickers in question included cops and prosecutors and judges. People went to jail for this kind of shit, even without evidence of victims. People's lives were ruined. They were robbed of decades because of the 90s equivalent of people thinking Facebook is going to take possession of all their photos at midnight unless they share this fucking status.

I was reminded of this ugly chapter in our cultural history again this week when I learned that one of the most notorious satanic panic convictions was finally vacated. This was the case of Melvin Quinney, a Texas father who was accused of satanic ritual abuse by his wife during an already ugly divorce, right? So like basically the least credible possible accusation.

But as soon as she said the words, Child Protective Services grabbed up the kids and they started asking them about their dad's proclivity for satanic sexual abuse, no doubt sourcing their knowledge of said abuse in the same way that Mrs. Ansel did. Well, eventually, after repeated sessions with ever more detailed questions, the kids started to remember the abuse everybody was talking about because that's how memory works. And the kids started to realize that their interlocutors were happiest when they told the most outlandish stories. So they told the most outlandish possible stories because that's how kids work. And based on those implanted bullshit memories, Melvin was arrested for indecency with a child in 1990 and convicted

to 20 years in prison the following year. He was released in 1999, got off early on good behavior, but he still had to register as a sex offender over shit that never happened. And he wasn't the only victim. His fucking kids grew up with these memories. Hell, their mother told them that their dad's satanic cult was still after them. So they grew up pretty sure that the Satanists were going to come roll their arms and legs up any fucking minute. Now, eventually the kids grew up. They realized what had really happened. They recanted their accusations.

And based on their testimony, the lack of evidence, and the abundant historical acknowledgement of this baseless moral panic, Quinney was finally exonerated and taken off the fucking sex offender registry last month. More than 30 years after the conviction. After all the things that he could have been and done were stolen from him by Christian paranoia, and he wasn't alone. The most famous example of this was the case of Dan and Fran Keller, two innocent daycare operators who were convicted of child sexual assault based on similarly coerced testimony that was so fantastical it might as well have fucking unicorns in it.

They spent 21 years in prison before their conviction was finally overturned. In 2017, they were awarded $3.4 million from a Texas state fund for the wrongfully convicted. And I'm sure that was damn welcome, but it's not going to buy them back the half of their adult lives that they spent on this baseless fucking hysteria. Because that's the thing look look look as panicky and stupid as we now recognize our response to these paranoid rumors

to have been we've clearly learned nothing from it the satanic panic was rebranded as q anon and it's making a comeback baby and unlike the early the early 90s, in the reboot, people are being elected to office specifically on the platform of believing this bullshit despite the lack of evidence. We've got people trying to make whole ass laws based on the premise

that there are people sacrificing babies to Satan and drinking their blood to stay young forever and we're still not even done cleaning up the mess these motherfuckers made the last time they came to visit.

They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Bing and Bang to my Boom Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to get on with it? Okay, my name is Sidney and you just made my list of enemies. Okay, there's not an AI named Bang yet, but trust me, when there is, I'm never leaving the house again, everybody.

Yeah, so I guess with that quick reminder of how the whole company is going to end, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, ZipRecruiter. One other tip, when you're whaling, make sure to use your diaphragm. Like, whoa. Exactly, yeah.

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What? I wouldn't say that. No, no, that's fair. And now, back to the the headlines in our lead story tonight florida republicans are pushing a new law that would make it way easier for bigots to sue for defamation and they're trying to do that by changing that word within florida and making defamation means something else if you go by all the states that use, you know, English dictionaries, it means

communicating false statements that injure someone's reputation. But under the new law in Florida, it would mean saying mean things that are definitely true, but the idiot you're talking about is too stupid to know that because the idiot has a worldview based on sincerely held

magical bigotry. Go fuck yourself. What do you mean saying true things isn't defamation? Well, we'll see about that. Yeah. No, the whole fucking false true dichotomy has been the main and biggest challenge to the Republican politicians for a while. I guess this was inevitable. This tracks sure does. Also, big thanks to Jeff Blackwell and Raman Fox for sending the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com if you want to help out. Wait, wait, wait. Heath, you're telling me that if they send us theocratic bullshit they find in the news to scathingnews at gmail.com, that forms an attorney-client relationship with Jeff Blackwell

and he will defend you for free regardless of your crimes? Well, actually, yes, I am saying that. Yes. Yeah, no, we are. We are. We are saying that one. It's 100 percent. That's official. That's a contract. Scathing news at Gmail dot com. So the bill in question is HB 991. And here's how the law would change. First of all, any accusation of bigotry based on race, sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity would be considered defamation per se. And I was like, pro hoc, that's Latin, I'm going to talk to Jeff Blackwell. And he very patiently led me through it. So here's how it works.

Let's take the example of Ron DeSantis deciding to sue the New York Times for calling him a transphobic bigot, which he is as a point of fact. As of now, he'd have to prove that the accusation was damaging to his reputation. But under the new law, Florida courts would automatically assume the damage was real because calling anyone a transphobe would be defamation per se. So won't someone think of the transphobes yeah it's quick quick given ron de santa's campaign slogans eli yeah also by the way that assumption of damage isn't just academic in fact there's often reason to believe the opposite the illustrious mr jeff blackwell esq or gb laws with a z as i call him he pointed out that a good lawyer for The Times could easily demonstrate that calling Ron DeSantis a bigot actually helped him get bigot cred with his voting base of garbage people

or helped him get more speaking engagements at CPAC. Again, for garbage people, because he's a garbage person. Yeah, and as we learned last week, it also makes people medically incapable of not buying his Jew-hunting video game. So, right. And it's important to note that accusing someone of anti-religion bigotry would not be defamation per se under the new law.

Yeah, convenient, right? So, for example, a religious person could claim that a university was doing anti-Christian bigotry by refusing to hire intelligent design professors. And then if the university sues for defamation, that university would have to prove the harm of that absurd accusation, just like any normal defamation suit. And here's the thing. Universities don't get bonus points from potential applicants for having reality cred. That's just expected. Yeah.

So basically, Florida's like, the problem with RFRA was that it didn't name which sincere beliefs are magic. We're going to fix that. Yeah. We're going to fix that right now. So the other big change in the law would involve the rule that says

the truth of a statement is a clear defense against a defamation complaint. That's how it works now because of fucking course it does. Sure. But the GOP wants to change that because of fucking course they do. Again, let's take the example of Ron DeSantis suing the Times for calling him a transphobe. for calling him a transphobe. Under the new rule, the Times would not be allowed to prove the truth

of their bigotry accusation if the bigotry was motivated by religion or by so-called scientific beliefs. And religious people think religion is a science because they're idiots.

Yeah, well, no, and I'm pretty sure that they're counting fucking skull measurements in that scientific category. Yeah. Did you say phrenology at the end? This is not new.

Fuck. Yeah. So that means the Times could not just shoot down the defamation suit by citing a very clear transphobic statement by DeSantis, as long as he used the magic word science or the magic word religion at the end of his bigot slur. Like if he said, I want a bathroom bill because I think being trans is fake and also added because science or because religion or because religion science, he'd be safe. The Times would not be allowed to demonstrate his bigotry by mentioning his bigotry in that example. Exact words from Jeff. mentioning his bigotry in that example exact words from jeff it's a hate speech bill that prohibits calling out people's hate yeah it also turns the definition of defamation into

idiot dribble nonsense call me mr sunshine but i don't think this one's gonna hold up in the courts everybody well but here's the thing there's only one court in the country that would uphold it. So if it wasn't the Supreme fucking court, I'd be inclined to agree with you. Yeah. Yeah. And just to be clear, the goal for Republican lawmakers is to make it easier for bigots, also known as Republican lawmakers in Florida, to sue anyone who mentions their bigotry. Yeah. And that's especially important for suing news outlets, the enemy of the American people. They want to be able to sue the New York Times or CNN or whoever for pointing out something stupid and evil they're doing. And when you're a GOP lawmaker in Florida, I just described everything you ever do ever. So I get how that might seem like unfair bias from the news media if you're a GOP Florida person.

But it's actually just anti-Republican skew of objective reality. Yes. And now they want to make objective reality a tort in Florida. And no, they did not hear it. Clearly, apparently not. Breathtaking stupidity. And in manhandled koran scandal news nice four pupils have been suspended from a west yorkshire secondary school for slightly tearing the cover

of a book this week now i want to be clear that's the story yep i'm going to tell you the title of the book in a second you can probably already guess it and your brain is going to tell you the title of the book in a second. You can probably already guess it. And your brain is going to try and fill in other stuff that isn't tearing the cover of a book to get these kids in trouble. But nope. No, no, no, no, no. That's what they did. They tore the cover of a book a little bit. But that book is the Koran.

So everyone lost their goddamn minds. Let's talk about it. Yeah. So given the track record of responses when a Koran isn't treated with proper reverence, I think it's important to clarify that people only figuratively lost their minds, right? Nobody has had their head chopped off about this so far. But yeah. Yeah, sure.

But Salman Rushdie is definitely on the lookout for Koran drones or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Now, I know what you're thinking eli was this the quran of a lone muslim student who the four suspended students snatched his holy book from in an attempt to awaken his latent superpowers no no none of that happened stop filling a year 10 boy bought a quran on amazon because he lost a bet playing a video game and then teachers, police, and local counselors lost their fucking

minds about what happened to the cover. I would say that was a weird bet, but I've seen the kind of weird shit contest that developed between the two of you backstage so I don't know that it is. You play grab the nipple backstage at a live show three times and he gets really

judgy. That's ridiculous. It wasn't the nipple grabbing game that live show three times, and he gets really judgy. That's ridiculous. It wasn't the nipple grabbing game that I was thinking of. Well, then that's under the umbrella of it's a grabbing legally protected. Thank you. I'm a pastor. Dig it. Anyways, here's some examples of people losing their minds. On the website Five Pill five pillars uk this story carried

the headline quote four students suspended from wakefield school after quran is desecrated desecrated and the article i'm shitting you not includes a picture of the slight scuff on one of the pages with the caption the desecrated qu. And a local counselor, Usman Ali, described the desecration as a, quote, serious provocative action, which needs to be dealt with urgently by all the authorities, namely the police, the school, and the local authority,

adding, quote, this terrible action could destroy all the good progress that's been made in Wakefield to tackle and highlight Islamophobia. We need to work together to make sure this terrible provocation does not set back community relations for years to come. And real quote of an elected official. Yeah. No, if you don't want to set that back, then shut the fuck up. Yeah. No, if you don't want to set that back, then shut the fuck up. The real story here is that the immediate response to book gets scuffed was to start spreading incendiary rumors that it was burned or destroyed or kicked around the school, all of which did not happen.

Right. In fact, according to the school, which, to be clear, contains the only fucking people who know what the hell happened here. There was, in their words, no malicious intent in the fucking the heinous smudging right but that doesn't matter you can do whatever you want with the book you bought yep and this absurd reaction of grown adults that's the real telling thing yeah some kid basically you know spelled out muhammad and spaghettios and then grown-ups were like stop his fucking hand off. Call the cops. Because we demand to be taken seriously. That's why. And no, no. Demand denied.

You're ridiculous. Yes. Sure. So again, as Heath and Noah just put it, bringing a book to school, not Islamophobia. Dare I say, kicking a book, still not Islamophobia. And again, the school denies that the book ever got fucking kicked. Right. Imagining that a book got kicked.

Play hacky sack with whatever pieces of paper you bought. Go fuck yourself. And look, look, I get our, I know our audience and some of you are thinking to yourselves, but Eli, some people think that book is magic. And I need you to know that does not matter. It's still a fucking book and if you have exceptions in your reality for other people's magic-based beliefs even and especially if you know they aren't real you are condescending at best and part of the problem at worst well now

we have some well actually emails to to oh look they're already showing up. Yeah, we're definitely going to read all of them. I'm very sad, very saddened by your exceptions to reality. So we're going to take a quick break for a word from our second sponsor this week, Stamps.com. Okay, now, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Are you spinning? I'm spinning, I'm spinning. Hey, guys, what you doing? Wait, are you are are you spinning i'm spinning i'm spinning hey guys what you doing wait are you summoning a demon without me no heath we read your letter and we're very

sorry no i'm teaching eli the gratitude dance we do whenever we send out a gift for our patrons the gratitude dance yeah you know how we're unbelievably lucky and we get to make jokes for a living? Yeah, I didn't know that. Well, yeah, I do this little dance to sort of lock that in. And I use stamps.com to ship it. Oh, what's stamps.com? I was hoping you'd ask.

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and enter the code SCATHING. All right. Well, stamps.com is obviously a great idea. But you got to admit, a little dance, it's kind of silly, right? The last thing on your resume is bartending nine years ago. So it's a spin? Yeah, you got to. You said it's a very quick little spin. And then thank you. Got it. Yep.

And in no more principles news, the state of Oklahoma is having a bit of trouble deciding how best to replace public education with religious indoctrination. But they assure us that they are still trying. education with religious indoctrination, but they assure us that they are still trying. This issue was raised last week when Oklahoma AG and guy named after a promising scrabble rack Gentner Drummond withdrew an opinion that would allow a Catholic school to be considered a charter school for tax purposes because that might, quote, his words, quote, compel the approval of charter schools by all faiths even those most Oklahomans would consider reprehensible and unworthy of public funding end quote oh just saying it out loud yeah no that is the chief law enforcement officer in the state of Oklahoma publicly declaring as a matter of state

policy that some of the faiths are reprehensible. That's amazing. He actually fell for the make it black thing but it was the make it Jewish variation and he fell for it in the dumbest possible way. They're trying to steal tax money for Catholics and somebody was like, hold on, hold on, this might backfire on us. What if we make it Jewish? Let's check.

And Drummond was like, no. I will not. And then he showed his work he was like one second let me get on this microphone and tell everybody what we're thinking we decided not to ever make it Jewish he was making it Muslim come on let's be fair

right yeah that's fair but that's not to say that all hopes to theocratize public education in Oklahoma are lost we got assurances from the superintendent of public instruction, which is the head of the education department for the state, Ryan Walters, that he's still working on it. In fact, he announced last Thursday that he'd be putting together a committee to,

quote, take a deeper look at prayer in school and the role of faith in our K through 12 schools, end quote. And it's stupid. All done. Okay, I saved you the- Yeah, right. We saved you a whole committee this happened by the way in the same meeting where he moved to ban the words culture and diverse

from the state's computer science standards because those words are too woke from the computer science curriculum yeah seriously he demanded a find and replace that would swap out environment for culture and different for diverse to create ambiguous nonsense phrases like, quote, the ability to create a program that appeals to a different number of users. The diversity between zero and one is one. Mathematically, binary code works. What? So, yeah, so the guy who gifted Oklahoma education standards with that kind of linguistic monstrosity is now setting up a panel with the explicitly stated goal

of seeing how much Christianity he can squeeze into public schools. Yeah, how many angels can dance on the head of a number two pencil? We're asking the real questions now. Asking the hard questions. Mac, culturally, sorry, environmentally speaking is what I'm talking about. What the fuck? And I should point out, by the way, that when Walters announced this, he attributed the action to a letter he received from, quote, religious leaders and community leaders, end quote, by which he meant religious leaders. We eventually got a hold of the letter in question, and the header just says,

God in public schools, in all caps, really fucking big. There are six signatories, four of whom are pastors, one of whom is a guy who runs a political action committee dedicated to promoting a biblical worldview, and one who's a guy who ran for the fucking Senate on the Black Lives Matter was founded by witchcraft's practicing lesbians platform, and one who's a guy who ran for the fucking senate on the black lives matter was founded by witchcraft practicing lesbians platform and one's called anthony fauci a mass murdering demon those are the community leaders walter is catering to oklahomans he's a good representative no that's fair yeah yeah and and as for the committee something tells me that the guy who literally tried to ban the word diversity isn't going to reach out to any Muslim or atheists to round out that panel. No, no, probably not.

And finally tonight, Mark Wahlberg is a hate criminal. He sure is. Also, he spent a bunch of the 80s beating up non-white people in Boston and yelling ethnic slurs. But yeah, his career as an artist is a hate crime. And that's going to keep happening super duper extra even more now that he's dedicated himself to being a Christian actor from now on. It's so brave what he's doing. White Christian millionaire celebrity in America, right? Oh, yeah, that's very hard. Yeah, how does he do it?

And we got an official announcement about that from Wahlberg last week. During an interview, he explained how Christian people are extremely downtrodden in Hollywood these days. But he will not deny his faith. not deny his faith. Mr. Wahlberg, on behalf of the atheist movement everywhere, please talk about your faith as much as possible, as physically possible.

We're doing GoFundMes for you. Yeah. And speaking as atheists who have watched 393 Christian movies, have 393 more on our schedule, and still get emailed about new ones we've never heard of on a daily basis, tell me more about how Hollywood ignores your religion and doesn't make movies with you

yeah and thanks to mike for the link skatingnewsgmail.com if you want to help out good stuff whatever crimes you want mike just get out there that one it was actually a real one that time jeff's got your back okay so the interview from last week was on the Today Show and happened on Ash Wednesday. So I've included a screenshot of Mark Wahlberg from that interview appearing on national television. You can see his face right here. He looks like he doesn't know. He looks so hard like he doesn't know. What do you mean?

What? What? On my where? I need an ex-Catholic to let me know for sure do they do because i always assume that they do like an ash minus on your ass to like a battery type situation on your tramp stamp god i wish yeah though somebody let me know he looks so confused you could see his face thinking to itself don't acknowledge the smudgy plus just don't acknowledge smudgy plus and here's what

walberg had to say it's kind of long and stupid but i'm including the whole quote because i just i really just did this whole story because i want to hear eli read a quote from marky mark eli you feeling good marky always all right let me warm up fuck yeah bro fuck yeah you are warm sir nice all right all right and i'll be the host, Savannah Guthrie. This is seriously almost word for word the exchange they had. So, Mark, tell me a little bit about. Discipline has always been important for me in life. So whether that's with fasting, working out more, detaching from other things and just spending more time with God in prayer or in thoughtful reflection.

And those things are important. Faith is everything. God didn't come to save the saints. He came to save the sinners. We want to be better versions of ourselves. And through focusing my faith, it's allowed me to do that. Okay, great, great, great, great.

In terms of your faith in the movie... I don't want to jam my faith down anyone's throat. But I do not deny my faith. That's an even bigger sin. You know, it's not popular in my industry, but, you know, I cannot deny my faith. Okay, okay. And would you like to...

Rub a dab-dab, three men in a tub. And who do you think they'd be? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. And all of them out to sea. Okay. That last part wasn't real, but I'm putting together a soundboard. I just want to let you know. You know, you need it.

I understand. And that brings us to my favorite part of the whole story. There's a Catholic praying app. It's called Halo. I guess that's a thing now. Like with smartphone technology, you can finally get step-by-step guidance on how to wish for stuff on your phone and here's the best part i cannot believe this is real mark walberg is one of the narrator voices for that praying app it's already installed on my phone i cannot wait to hear some spiritual guidance

in the silliest possible voice from fucking the hate crime Peter Griffin. Love it. All right. Well, I guess with our job security thus enshrined by Marky Mark's career decisions, we can wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Eli, you want to do it as Marky Mark? Joe Maggi. And when we come back, we'll tell you who we're wearing. Given how satanic Christians assure me Sam Smith's Grammy performance was, it almost seems redundant to have our own godless version of them, but damn it if it's not a tradition here on The Scathing Atheist. See, every year during awards season,

and when we remember it, which isn't all that often actually all things considered, we present our own awards for the best and worst of the previous year in a segment called The Pentagrammys. It's a magical night, Noah. Yeah, isn't it?

Magical night. I know I got dressed up. Now, there are five categories, each with three nominations. We don't pick a winner because literally nobody cares and that's not the point. But our first category, we're going to start off with best religious news item of 2022. It's like the SAG Awards. All right. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. That's right. They're freaking out. And that's my favorite thing.

In particular, I'm talking about all the data that we got last year about the downward trend in church attendance and in religiosity. And even more importantly, I'm talking about the panicky, And even more importantly, I'm talking about the panicky, sad, despondent Christian freakouts that followed each time. One of the biggest moments was a survey from the Pew Research Center that predicted the U.S. population will be just over 50% non-religious by 2070. And the idea of being just barely a minority in about half a century was terrifying to Christian leaders across the country. I mean, have you seen how they treat minorities, Heath? I'd be scared, too. Well, yeah, and making it on your own merits requires a lot more merits than those privileged fuckers have ever shown us before. And when other surveys showed that younger people are giving approximately zero fucks about religion, the Christian leaders started running campaigns about like Jesus being a woke TikTok refugee or whatever the fuck. But that just reeked of desperation that kids can sense from a mile away and it made it even worse.

away and it made it even worse and at the end of all these stories there was always a bunch of evangelical leaders just ugly crying a little speech into their cell phone about like the devil is taking over and their kids are in the background being like shut the fuck up nobody cares see this is why you'll never see your grandkids nobody likes you and of course my favorite example was dennis prager who literally wrote a pro-bigot op-ed that ended with him whining about all the religious bigots who called him in actual tears about how they're alone for Christmas because they're not allowed to see their grandkids just because they're religious bigots. Yeah. Aw. Well, if they think Christmas is lonely, just wait till they find out how they're going to die. Am I right?

Yeah. All right. So I'm going to go with one that just barely squeezed in under the wire. It happened on the very last day of 2022, but it did happen. I know I'm not supposed to enjoy it as much as I did and continue to do, but I'm going with the death of Pope Benedict. Oh, right. Yeah. And it wasn't just the fact that he died. It's what his death represents.

Because look, the new boss isn't all that much better than the old boss. Pope Francis certainly says better stuff, but he doesn't actually do better stuff. And Benedict was already off the throne, so it's not like him dying made any policies, changes, or anything like that. But it's a great reminder that all of those priests that came of age when the roman catholic church was still culturally significant are dying they're dying off and when you look at the numbers worldwide it's a reminder of the fact that

catholicism itself is dying and like benedict it will become increasingly pathetic and irrelevant until it does. Yeah. It's like when they change the name of your racist dining hall at college. Everybody already called it the Scoob or something anyway, but you're glad it's happening. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And speaking of which,

maybe it's time for George Mason University to stop having the Antonin Scalia Law School. Do you need us to hit you on the head with a magical hammer? Fucking stop. What are you doing? Also, honorable mention in mind to Cardinal Pell dying. That happened a week and a half later.

It doesn't actually count as 2022. If it did, that would have topped my list and not because it's symbolic of anything either. It just would have been entirely because he didn't get to breathe anymore. So that's it. Just a win, a win, a win. Okay. I know mine is cheating slightly, but I would argue the following is a religious news item in that if there was ever something to be prayed to, if I had a call to Mecca, if ever there was a moment that filled me with the

religious ecstasy that motivates saints and suicide bombers alike it is this one i'm talking of course about when alex jones found out live in real time that his lawyers had accidentally turned over the entire contents of his phone to the other side oh that was so good and then he was ordered to pay a billion dollars to the families of sandy hook yeah it's not often that you can honestly say that somebody would have been better off without a lawyer, right? Or with a dog lawyer or something. But like seriously, like Air Bud would not have sent his phone conversations to a posting council. He wouldn't have had to pay more than a billion fucking dollars.

Oh God, this was so fun watching that happen. Watching evil people learn about their horrible failures in real time is, it's very sexual for me, I gotta be honest. I make little flip books for myself with photos of these things. I keep them in my nightstand. Like, Pornhub VR needs to get a hold of this and make it

a tab. You remember when Giuliani learned in real time that Trump had actually lost the election and it was in fact declared while he was doing the Four Seasons total landscaping speech? Absolutely. Oh, so good. I put a couple examples for you guys.

I gave you Alex Jones and Rudy Giuliani. Tim, please share these. Share these with the people. They need them in these dark hours. Patrons, if you're at the seeing the notes level, definitely check out the headlines this time. Yeah, yeah me be clear alex jones will be paying that billion dollars right he cannot declare bankruptcy he cannot rely on state limitations and fees of this nature every penny alex jones makes for the rest of his life will at least in part go to the

people he victimized in their darkest hour and that is why it's my best religious news item of 2022 fair absolutely all right on to the second category and that's the one that best encapsulates the scathing atheist's mission statement i think so who's your nominee for religious figure who has done the most to promote atheism in 2022 oh okay i'll go first this time i'm gonna start things off with Pastor Greg Locke. Nice. Now, for those of you out of the loop, Greg Locke rose to prominence during COVID for defying lockdown regulations and killing a bunch of his parishioners. So already he's helping out the numbers there. But once Greg couldn't get attention through being in a building illegally anymore. He spent 2022 on an absolute bender of stupid behavior.

First, in February, he announced that he knew about six literal witches within his congregation and promised to hunt them down and call them out personally. A literal witch hunt. Yep. Started the year with a literal witch hunt. Yes. Literal witch hunt. Yep.

Started the year with a literal witch hunt. Yes. And while he didn't ever end up finding any witches, he did get a series of roasty voicemails and letters that he claimed were hexes. And then I assume he tried to set his metal mailbox on fire for a couple hours before he tuckered himself out. Yes. Yeah. To be clear, he spent 2020 and 2021 actively killing off Christians with COVID misinformation and still may have done more to promote atheism this year.

It's incredible. Yeah. But there's more. February, again, truly a banner month for Craig. That is also when he organized his very own book burning, calling on his congregation to, quote, bring all your Harryter stuff all your twilight books and movies that mess is full of spells demonism shape-shifting and occultism bring tarot cards ouija boards healing crystals idol statues spell books and everything else tied to the occult end quote yeah and the fucking store down the street called wicca basket Boutique made a bunch of money that week. Because his congregation was going to be holding all that stuff?

Yeah, right. Made a whole bunch of money selling them crystals they could burn. Ow, hot, hot rock. And last, but certainly not least, Greg gave up his status as a charity this year. No, he didn't. After Greg spent a pre-midterm service openly endorsing a candidate who lost and telling his parishioners that they can't vote for Democrats, Americans United wrote the IRS a letter saying, what would you say you do here?

And as a result, Greg tore up a piece of paper saying that he's a charity. Now, to be clear, he's still very much a church. So that means nothing. And when reporters looked into it, he actually hadn't made any legal changes to his businesses at all. So he probably didn't do the nothing he said he was doing. Yeah, right. So you've got tried to do something and failed. And beyond that, you've got tried to do something and failed. And beyond that, you've got tried to do nothing and failed.

And over here where Greg is, you have pretended to try to do nothing and fail. And failed. Swing and a miss on that. Yep. And just a quick reminder, Greg ended that sermon that day by saying, I renounce 501c3 communism. We'll say what we want to, Skippy Lou. And the IRS and the FBI can eat my dirty socks on live TV. Yep, that is what he said.

Precisely the words he used. Skippy Lou. Skippy Lou. Either way, he did all these things as publicly as possible, causing Christians all over the country to go, shit, that's our guy? He's on our side? Which is why he's my nominee for religious figure who has done the most to promote atheism. Okay, really solid answer.

Thank you. I'm going to go with Kanye West. Oh, nice. Or yay, or yip yip, or whatever it is now. He's arguably the most well-known evangelical Christian in the world right now. And that is not good for evangelical Christianity. So if the secret Illuminati Jewish people are indeed trying to murder Kanye with space lasers or whatever the fuck he's claiming, the rest of the Christian world is probably on board with the plot.

And here's the thing, just to review, Kanye's Christianity has taken the form of supporting Donald Trump and blaming slavery on the slaves, not using their vision boards correctly and choosing wrong and posting a giant series of anti-Semitic comments that were so fucking toxic that Elon Musk and Donald Trump both had to distance themselves from Kanye in 2022.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk of 2022 were like, dude, you're fucking up our brand. We got to just distance ourselves a little bit. You're a failure right now this year. And just a reminder, that anti-Semitic tirade included, I'm going to go death con three on Jewish people, which is both extremely silly and also extremely genocidal. It's a tricky combination to pull off, but he did it. So, yeah, Kanye was definitely the Jerry Falwell Jr. of 2022. That's fun. And Pete Davidson, I guess, was the pool boy of 2022 for this award.

I don't think he was allowed to watch. Congrats and thanks all around to everybody involved. Yeah. Side note, I think I've mentioned this before, but Kanye also provided us with the single greatest example of comedic timing in 2022 in an interview about his mental health. Noah, I know we don't usually play clips here on The Scathing Atheist, but it's only 20 seconds and it is the greatest thing that ever happened.

Do you mind? Not at all. me to a point of exhaustion which was misdiagnosed by a i'm not gonna say what race what people uh doctor and what hospital and what media went to we know i can't say that it was a jewish doctor all right so i i know we normally go with priests and pastors and religious leaders and that kind of shit for this reward but given the extent to which it's now an explicitly religious institution, I'm going to go with the Supreme Court justice for this one. And of course, I'm going with Sam Alito. Because honestly, after a decade of playing Cassandra on this show and warning people of the very real danger of right-wing Christian theocracy in this country, in one fell swoop, Sam Alito lent credence to every fear we've ever expressed.

Yep. All while living a 13-minute drive from my house. I know you're testing me, simulation creators, and I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to. Okay, but how are they going to learn from the simulation, Eli? You're doing it for science, is what I'm saying. Doing whatever it meant, whatever it meant. So look, even when people on the right

started openly embracing the term christian nationalism even through all the trumpian bullshit there were still people who who were like trying to pretend that this was an extreme within the party right that this effort to rein in the rights of non-christians to allow right-wing religious interpretations to dictate law to redefine the very concept of religious freedom was confined to the very concept of religious freedom, was confined to the far reaches of the political spectrum despite them having the fucking president. Right?

It's just, they would say, well, the extremists have gotten a hold of the party, but once the moderate Republicans take back over, the threats would subside. But Alito predated Trump by a fucking decade, and he's a reminder that the last moderate Republican was Gerald fucking Ford. Anyway. Bill Clinton. Yeah. Yeah, right. Right. fucking decade and he's a reminder that the last moderate republican was gerald fucking ford anyway bill clinton yeah yeah right all right and with that we're going to move on to our

penultimate award of the night biggest asshole of 2022 oh okay all right this one we can have some fun with uh once again i'm going to take the easy choice and i'm going to go with ronald nancy desantis is that his actual middle name who's to say but if there was ever a governor Once again, I'm going to take the easy choice and I'm going to go with Ronald Nancy DeSantis. Is that his actual middle name? Who's to say? But if there was ever a governor of a burning pit of despair worthy of our ire outside of the Dungeons and Dragons canon, it's Ron DeSantis. Hey, burning pit of despair. I know you're probably listening to maybe you can primary Ron DeSantis next time around. I will become a Republican and move to Florida so I can vote in that.

Yeah. For you. Yeah. And it's honestly hard to say where to begin with Ronnie Dietz. With the overturn of Roe versus Wade, he immediately signed a 15-week abortion ban into law. His infamous Stop Woke Act and other educational sabotage technically took place at the end of 2021, but they're worth mentioning. He, of course, kidnapped migrant families and flew them up north as a fucking gotcha. educational sabotage technically took place at the end of 2021 but they're worth mentioning he of course kidnapped migrant families and flew them up north as a fucking gotcha but over and above all

ron earns himself asshole of the year in my mind for his attacks on children yeah the fuck the very fact that there's a which underprivileged group did he most in danger competition justifies your nomination at the very least yeah but it was almost exactly a year ago this week that he cemented his title with the florida parental rights in education act or as it's commonly known the don't say gay laws which prohibit public schools from even mentioning sexual orientation or gender identity from kindergarten to third grade or in any manner deemed to be against state standards in all grades. It also prohibits public schools from granting students confidentiality about their sexual identity or gender from parents, even if said exposure would result in abuse and requires public schools to bear all

the costs of all lawsuits filed by aggrieved parents in those situations because what's the fun in suing your guidance counselor for not outing your trans kid if you have to pay for it am i right yeah yeah no this man's entire political existence is predicated on the idea that acceptance has gone too far yep sure is and uh just a reminder he's 44 years old he's 44 and we might be in a simulation right now all of this and much much more is ronnie's desperate attempt to secure his position as the Republican nominee for president in 2024. And while whether or not he'll run is uncertain, I really, really hope he does because I can think of no better punishment than lowering him into the pit of man-eating pigs that are the Republican base, which is exactly what will happen to him if he runs against Donald Trump. Yep. All right. Really solid pick with DeSantis. I'm going with Marjorie Taylor Greene. happen to him if he runs against Donald Trump. Yep. Alright, really

solid pick with DeSantis. I'm going with Marjorie Taylor Greene. Oh, speaking of man-eating pigs. M-T-G. And not just because of the extreme prolapsing effect of doing pull-ups on top of a cattle prod or whatever the fuck was happening in that video.

She's also the biggest figurative asshole I can imagine. So, quick review of the latest highlights from the magical, tagical, gagical in her 2022. Whoa, whoa, no. He's going to try and sum up MTG. We may need to go 90 minutes on this episode. Yeah, right.

Of course, I'll be starting with Jewish Space Lasers. Jewish Space Lasers, of course. This one actually started in 2021, but MTG decided to bring this back up in 2022. And they shot the beams at California to start wildfires that would stimulate the high speed rail industry and therefore finally consolidate power in the hands of the people who already control the world banking system and already have literal space lasers. She really said that. And everybody was like, what? What the fuck are you talking about?

And then last year, a year after she said that and got yelled at because it's insane. Last year, she was like, hey, you guys remember when I said Jewish space lasers are real? That was fun. Anyway, I just learned about the Holocaust really recently. I'm 47 years old. Turns out it was kind of bad. I went to this museum. It was kind of bad.

Yeah. To be clear, she was already apologizing for different stupid bullshit she had said, and she brought up the space lasers. She chose to bring it up. I'm just picturing some poor publicist from the back going, don't add. Marjorie, the last thing

you need to do is add. I'm doing the chopped neck thing. Are you doing the hand twisty thing? You're saying keep going? No, it's not even. Unfortunately, the kernel of truth here is that we will have space lasers before we have high speed rail in this fucking country. All right. Well, that brings us to October of last year when MTG's husband filed for divorce because she's a terrible person who deserves to die alone.

Just all sad and scared. Nobody there to hear the quiet panic of her last feeble breath. Dennis Prager's getting out a guitar in the background. And that same week, we also heard rumors that she was having affairs with a tantric sex guru and a personal trainer. with a tantric sex guru and a personal trainer. But MTG denied those rumors and blamed it on the, her exact words,

the avowed communist. And she was talking about the fourth Viscount Rothermere. Yes. The billionaire owner of the media empire that includes the Daily Mail. That guy, the communist.

That communist. communist yeah yeah exactly match why would we make up rumors about you like seriously like seriously of all the people on earth you're the one we least need to make shit up about if we want to degrade you like if i wanted to make you look bad i would literally just repeat whatever the last thing you said into a microphone was yeah that's what and we do it for a living man yes if anybody knows yeah so really rough 2022 for mtg but perhaps the best magic edge failure of the year was her war crime of a thanksgiving turkey that she proudly posted on twitter it's terrifying it looked like honestly like she covered a frozen bird in like wet paper towel and microwaved it on low for a

few minutes like she was reheating spaghetti the founding fathers would hang her for treason for this turkey i'm certain that's what they believed in their hearts. I feel like he's getting lost in Ron DeSantis' shadow a bit here. But my nominee for this one is Greg Abbott. Right. And honestly, if I go through this whole bio, it'll start sounding like I'm copying off of Eli's notes a little bit. But basically, he's in a competition with Ron DeSantis for the last couple of years over who can earn the title of the GOP's cruelest governor. the last couple of years over who can earn the title of the GOP's cruelest governor. So he's got the high score between the two of them when it comes to randomly transporting immigrants to places with no support as a political stunt,

including sending 100 plus Venezuelan immigrants to Kamala Harris's residence on Christmas fucking Eve, despite the fact that they were all dressed for Texas weather. Yeah. Marley and Marley are just floating there with their chains. Wow. Someone should fucking kill that guy. What?

Oh, no. We're not going to waste ghosts on him. You should shoot him in the head with a gun. You guys have guns now, right? It could be a simulation. Seriously, it feels like

the lesson teaching demons were all like, not it. We're not doing it. No, no, no. Right. Yes. Make the one that's

a little girl do it. She told me to fuck myself. Okay, never mind. Just sit there in that section. No, no, no. Right, yes. Make the one that's a little girl do it. She told me to fuck myself. Okay, never mind. Just sit there in that section. No, the whole section's cut. We're just leaving that table. Too bad. So, but the move that really earned him top honors

in my book is the fact that in 2022, he instructed state agencies to treat gender-affirming medical treatments for transgender kids as child abuse. Right? And of all the fucked up phrases and legal terms that the Republicans have tried to redefine for political gain over the last few years, none is more dangerous or terrifying, I

think, than redefining child abuse. Well, except maybe redefining murder to include women exercising their reproductive rights, which he also does. So he's got that as well. All right. So finally, we're going to wrap things up on a bit of an up note.

Who is your nominee for Atheist of the Year? Ooh. Okay. I feel like Anthony Fauci deserves to get this one forever. We just have to keep giving it to him, right? Yeah. And also, I think we should give him a Lifetime Achievement Award

with like a montage, Time Your Life by Green Day playing, Blowjob Robot. he deserves all the awards sure but serious answer for specifically 2022 the organizers of qed oh good one it was so good marsh andy nicola alice mike everybody else involved sorry i skipped some names just everybody involved it was amazing it's truly the best humanist event on the planet. And I'm guessing other planets don't really do humanist events. So like best in the universe. Probably not. Yeah. If you're ever wondering, okay, yeah, we all agree about

zero gods. Now what? What would you say we do here? If that's on your mind, Qed is a live action answer to that question how to do good on earth correctly and why yeah it's amazing it's also fun well right and they organized this whole thing with a specter of covet hanging over their heads not knowing if they'd have to cancel at the last second and just eat the costs they're dealing with travel and logistics now that their country has you know readopted the mercantile policies of george the first it's incredible that like that they pulled this off at all let alone made it amazing yes and i just want to point out that we say that even though marsh pulled the fire alarm and then when everyone got outside he was standing there drunk and shirtless and told us that this was a good time to fight us all because

he was quote in the streets where I am King. Like we still, still. That is, that is also how I remember it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just typical Marsh being Marsh.

That's what happens. That's what happens at the end of QED. What I remember. Or in the middle. Okay. So I know that he doesn't describe himself using the a word, but my vote this year goes to Maryland. Congressman Jamie Raskin.

He is along with Jared Huffman, the founder of the Congressional Free Thought Caucus. He's a tireless advocate for scientifically literate legislation. He's a formidable opponent of theocracy. And as a member of the House Select Committee on the January 6th attack, he was the most vocal in highlighting the part that Christian nationalism played in fomenting the riot. Incidentally, he's also currently undergoing chemotherapy for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and that has not stopped him from being an incredible advocate for secular values at all.

Exactly. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always hit home runs in my nominations for this category. Okay. But the answer for this one is obvious, and I know that I am never, ever going to regret it. So, my nominee for Atheist of the answer for this one is obvious and i know that i am never ever going to regret it

so my nominee for atheist of the year for 2022 is of course third party congressional candidate mike ictus who what put his money shot where his mouth is and to prove his dedication to his pro sex work platform released a sex tape with a porn star. Okay. Yeah, I remember that guy. And I know it's going to take some getting used to, but I have an idea. This feels way more informative than our debate format.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Could we just do sex tapes from now on instead and just be like, all right, that's how I'm evaluating my vote. I feel like that's just more useful for democracy. Yeah, that's how I end up supporting Buttigieg chess as well so yeah it works out for everybody i bet he's real i bet he's real you know tender a tender lover exactly so it gets who brought in a whopping 0.3 percent of the vote has a lot of ideas all of which are cool and dope, I'm sure. Don't worry, I did not bother to Google them.

But with morals that turgid, with a willingness to come in the face of opposition, I'm sure that his nomination will be one that I am proud of for years to come. I'm sure it will. Well, there you have it. Letting Eli watch you fuck a porn star isn't guaranteed to get you his Atheist of the Year nomination, but it certainly couldn't hurt, Marsh. Seth. letting Eli watch you fuck a porn star isn't guaranteed to get you his Atheist of the Year nomination, but it certainly couldn't hurt, Marsh. Seth.

And I guess that's as good a thought to close on as any, so congratulations, or whatever the opposite of that is, to all our nominees, as the case may be. We'd love to do more, but I can already hear Morgan playing me off, so I guess that's going to do it for this year's Pentagrams. playing me off, so I guess that's going to do it for this year's Pentagrams. Before we douse the campfire tonight, I want to remind you to come see me at Free Flow in Orlando, Florida, March 10th, 11th, and 12th. I'm going to be talking about the worst Christian video games ever made. The schedule is packed. The weather there is nicer than wherever you are. Lots of reasons to check out freeflo.org-E-F-L-O.org or check

the show notes for a handy dandy link. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would be all ow and no shh if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for rising above all the competition, I need to thank Eli Bosnick for something more fun and interesting than being tall.

I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions who is feeling a little under the weather this week, but hopefully she'll be back next week. And I want to thank our favorite listener, April Pop, for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's

most vivacious vertebrates, Titanic Rain, Richard, Anna, Jamila, Lynn, the Princess of Nothing, Random Nonsense, No Tomfoolery, Yes Honey Buns, Senta, Scott, Michael, George, John, Finn, Michael, Ben, Alex, Mama K, Danielle, Vader, Eric, and Inspired Zombie supports the Arlo Flying Circus Fund, whose intellects are so vast their train of thought needs warp points. Together, these 23 new and returning patrons help keep the lights on for us another day by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving your money for some future ransom situation or something, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review

and following us on social media. Speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also did the music that we used in the episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. Originally, the ending line for that was, you're going to die in the climate wars. Figured that was a little too dark.

Yeah, it's a little too close to home. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.