The Scathing Atheist - 568: B-Attitude Edition

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

In this week’s episode, we’ll ask “if Jesus is Asian why is your grandma so racist?”, Kanye West explains that one of his best friends with benefits is Jewish, and Don Ford will get sassy. --- To get tickets to see us live in Orlando, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117 --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Christian freakout over Behtlehem being in Asia: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/christians-are-mad-that-a-christian https://www.christianpost.com/news/franklin-graham-slams-christianity-today-for-asian-jesus-article.html Christmas-Obsessed Lawyer Faces Being Disbarred For Calling Judge A “Hateful Bigot”: https://www.boredpanda.com/jeremy-morris-christmas-lawyer-extravagant-festive-display-ban-idaho/?cexp_id=84736&cexp_var=6&_f=featured 'Blasphemous' same-sex nativity scene angers conservatives in Italy: https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/blasphemous-same-sex-nativity-scene-angers-conservatives-italy-2023-12-23/ Mormons no longer the majority in Utah:  https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/mormons-are-no-longer-in-the-majority Kanye West apologizes to Jewish community in Hebrew after repeated antisemitic remarks: https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/26/entertainment/kanye-west-apology-jewish-community-antisemitic-remarks/index.html --- This Week in Misogyny: States fun anti-abortion pregnancy centers now: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/dec/28/anti-abortion-pregnancy-crisis-centers-taxpayer-money-roe All-girls college rescinds eligibility of trans women after conservative outrage: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/an-all-female-catholic-college-will-dc3 NJ offers no-prescription birth control: https://gothamist.com/news/in-2024-you-wont-need-prescriptions-for-birth-control-in-nj

warning if the world didn't want us using profanity it shouldn't have been so fucked up this week's episode of the scathing atheist is brought to you by hello fresh and by the fact that i don't have an annular snooze button 2023 it was the only thing protecting us from 2024 and now it's gone and now the scathing atheist hi this is this is Chris, and as someone who's represented in Congress by Marsha Blackburn and Scott Desjardins, yet somehow stupider people at the state level, I can assure you we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey people. It's Thursday. It's January 4th. And it's World Hypnotism Day.

Or so the hypnotists would have you believe. Interesting. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Chris Christie's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, if Jesus is Asian, why is your

grandma so racist? Kanye West explains that one of his best friends with benefits is Jewish. And Tom Ford will get sassy. But first, the diatribe. 2023 was a rollercoaster of a year for me.

In January, I got to watch my favorite team win a playoff game live. I was there. I had great seats for the single best game in franchise history. And then in February, our company and our community was rocked by a scandal that hurt a lot of people I care about and threatened to tear us apart. In March, we got back to doing live shows for the first time in what seemed like forever. And then a week later, I lost a fur baby that I'd had for 15 years. Nothing typifies the year for me more than the fact that I had a heart attack on October 31st.

And then a few days later, our charity drive crossed over the million dollar mark and lifetime funds raised. In other words, my year was filled with exactly the kind of moments people say that you need gods for. In fact, when I look back over the list of major personal events for the year, it reads like I was trying to complete the fucking set by year's end. And of course, the common thread between all of those things is the loss of control, right? They're all situations where something beyond my control was intruding on my life and my well-being and the well-being of the people I loved was threatened. And those are exactly the times when a little imaginary magic comes in handy, right? comes in handy, right?

Aren't those exactly the moments when it helps to have convinced yourself in defiance of all logic and personal experience that an all-powerful being loves and cares about you and could intervene on your behalf? That's certainly what religions hope for. Those are the situations where they love to swoop on in and offer you their ersatz elixirs, a charm that'll help Riley Patterson make the

game-winning kick, a heaven that'll make room for my cat, a miracle that'll strengthen my heart. All I have to do is hand over a small sliver of my logical mind, and maybe a few of my moral values, maybe a little bit of my money, and in exchange, I get to delude myself into pretend control. in exchange, I get to delude myself into pretend control, like a child too young to realize the controller he's holding isn't the one Mario's responding to. Wouldn't that be nice? I mean, it's their go-to argument, isn't it? Or I guess argument is too strong a term, right? Because when I encounter it, it's less often as an argument and more often as a dismissal. less often as an argument and more often as a dismissal. Sure, I can afford to be an atheist because my life is going good. I'm riding high, but soon God will bring me low and reveal himself to me. And then I'll regret all those sinful ways of my past. I can be an atheist when I'm just

arguing with somebody on the internet and everything's fine, but wait until I'm out of control. Wait until my world is turned upside down or I'm grieving or I'm afraid. Then I'll come around to believing in a theological security blanket. And unlike most of the arguments religious apologists present, this isn't one you can easily dismiss. Most of their arguments try to prove God exists and he doesn't, right? So those arguments are invariably stupid, but this is a different argument altogether. This is one of those, but even if he didn't exist, aren't you better off believing that he did style arguments? Am I made stronger through self-delusion? And as much as my intuition tells me no, you can at least imagine a plausible mechanism where that's true, right? When I'm going through a really tough time and there's nothing I can do to change it,

the very fact that there's nothing I can do makes it so much worse. The very act of doing nothing is often more than you can bear to do. So maybe there is some value in picking up that controller and tricking yourself into believing that you will hit left before Mario turned around. A lot of people seem to think so. And I'm not just talking about religious people who are so very clearly trying to look away from the glaring holes in their worldview. A lot of atheists defend religion on these same grounds, arguing that it makes people stronger or that it helps them through these out ofcontrol moments. But after a year that was just laden with them, I have to say, I feel like I'm stronger without a God.

I mean, maybe I wasn't stronger in those moments, but I'm stronger for the next ones. I'm more experienced in the art of being out of control, and therefore I'm more callous to it. I went down that hill already, and the fact that I didn't have training wheels on when I did so gives me confidence the next time the horizon falls away before me. Because look, sometimes life really is just riding that roller coaster. You're in the car, but you're not in control, and no amount of self-deception

is going to change that. So the best you can do is control what you can, mitigate what you can, and insure against what you can. mitigate what you can, and insure against what you can. But when you can't do any of that shit, all you have left is to keep your hands and feet inside the car and hold on to the bar. And there's a very real strength in knowing that. Joining me for headlines tonight are the guys who make the thought of yet another presidential election year,

Bearable Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Heath, did you have something you wanted to share with the class? I got engaged. Woo!

Heath got engaged. Yeah. It's a surprise. There should be a song that goes with that or something. Yeah. More accurately,

Anne and I got engaged and it's very exciting. Anne and if you don't know ann already ann is awesome and agreed to eventually marry me trickter nailed it awesome all right well i guess everybody in the audience has to run and grab some champagne while they do that we'll pause for a word from this week's sponsor hello fresh now kids you gather round and listen to great grandpa eli tell you a story. I find the prospect of you getting old enough to have a great-grandchild pretty unbelievable. Heath,

can you get in the sketch and be a little kid? You're ruining the sketch if you don't mind getting in the little sketch. Fine, fine, fine, sorry. I mean, yes, great-grandpa? All right, today I'm going to tell you kids about a very special day. The day I started getting free breakfast for life. We're finally going to learn your secret? Was it a genie? Was it a leprechaun? No, no, children. It was HelloFresh.

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That means you'll enjoy a totally free breakfast item with every single HelloFresh delivery. Now that's worth waking up early for. But Grandpa, don't those meal delivery boxes get a little samey? Not at all, little Timmy. Stupid, stupid, wicked child. Dig into their biggest menu yet, with over 45 dinner options to choose from weekly and even more market add-on items that suit any lifestyle. Even the weird stuff we have now in the future?

Especially the weird stuff, my grandchild. Especially. Is that weird? But did you know anyone who actually tried it? I sure did, especially. Is that weird? But did you know anyone who actually tried it? I sure did, kids. Your great uncle Heath was a customer, even before they became a sponsor. He loved that the meals unpacked in seconds

and that he could stop and start his deliveries to match his schedule. That's why he, Heath Enright, personally endorsed HelloFresh. But then, of course, he died alone in the bathtub. No, he didn't. He had love now. Then, whatever time. Go to HelloFresh.com

slash scathing free and use code scathing free for free breakfasts for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash scathing free with code scathing free. Wow, Grandpa. Can I sign up for HelloFresh.com slash scathing free with code scathing free.

Wow, Grandpa. Can I sign up for HelloFresh now in the future? Oh, no, my child. Not since Texas started the water wars. Okay, now that I believe. Right? Yeah. Tracks. And now, back to the

headlines. In our lead story tonight, in holy birth tourism news, despite what your grandmother's bedside portrait would have you believe, Jesus did not look like Kenny Loggins in the 70s or Jared Leto today. The white, anglified version of the Middle Eastern Jew bears little resemblance to what historians have determined Christ would have actually looked like. Given the era and location, he'd probably look a lot more like Tony Shalhoub than Tony Hawk, but...

Why do they want that image? It's not a good one, right? Great question. Great question. Because they're racists. Anyways, that Jesus as Berkeley hippie aesthetic is so ingrained in our culture that when many white Christians are confronted with the location of his actual birthplace, they're violently thrown into an existential crisis, especially when that little lesson

in world geography is delivered by a noted Christian outlet. And that's exactly what happened last week, so you know what that means. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. That's right. In a recent post on Christianity Today, author Victoria Emily Jones explores the multicultural depictions of Christ as represented by different artists throughout Asia, each giving their own local spin to the Savior. She shares images from Chinese, Turkish, and even Filipino artists who depict Christ as someone who could have grown up on their block rather than having fronted the Doobie Brothers in 1978. Okay, your references are caught in a malfunctioning time machine.

You're in the 70s and the 90s and the 2020s. Just like white Christian art for all of history. I think it's meta. Okay, that's fair. Thank you, Heath. Yeah, but rather than taking heart in international artists celebrating their hero as a tribute to inclusivity, some Christians are up in arms over Jones's article, particularly the opening lines, quote, Jesus was born in Asia. He was Asian, end quote. Now, I want to point out

every word of that sentence and a half is true it's just factually correct but you know when the facts ever matter to organized religion so let me guess knowing about the western two-thirds of asia is woke is that what it is so many christian people immediately pictured jesus the samurai for sure with like a katana coming out of his mouth. And they were like, fucking sweet, but sadly inaccurate. Sadly. Inaccurate. As happy as I am to learn that Jesus would appreciate my authentic samurai sword collection. I have to disagree.

Yeah. So the backlash was immediate. The fiercest barbs were relegated to Twitter blue checks. One user wrote, quote, he was a Jew. You should change your name to heresy today. Are you saying Eli is Chinese? Yeah, it's a really popular response. Another user suggested paganism today. Accusations of lying were bandied about, as was the suggestion to delete their account. Experts say Twitter hasn't seen this much race-based vitriol since

the first image of a black little mermaid was leaked. But the biggest dissenting opinion came from evangelist Franklin Graham, whose dad, Billy Graham, I will remind you, founded Christianity Today. How can there be a dissenting opinion on geography?

On the map! Exactly! That'd be like spending centuries debating whether three was secretly one shit i heard it yeah you can't fly from brazil to australia because of the ice wall jesus was white read a map yeah so here's what frankie grahams had to say quote we don't have to wonder or speculate about this the bible gives us very very specific details about Jesus's earthly lineage and where he was born and grew up. We know that Jesus was Jewish. However, if you don't believe the Bible or accept it as the word of God, then everything is in question.

End quote. Do they think Judaism is a continent? Great question. Yeah. Yeah. It's a globalist religion, guys. You say that all the time. That's your thing.

So, yeah, I guess we have a new completely true thing to say to upset Christians. So, you know, dust off a spot on the mantelpiece next to evolution proves that original sin isn't real. And the only white people in the Bible are the ones who killed Jesus. And, you know, do with that what you will, atheists. Do with that what you will. There you go. And in the art of war on Christmas news, insane Christian lawyer Jeremy Morris of Idaho

got into a lawsuit with his homeowner's association about his absurd Christmas lights. And now he's facing disbarment for calling the judge corrupt and a hateful anti-Christian bigot who attempted to rig a jury. This is the best. Judge Windmill told him, first of all, don't tilt at me, bro, and ruled in favor of the HOA because the display is completely halting the progress of astronomy in the entire Western United States. There's so many lights. Listen, Heath has included a picture in our notes.

It looks so obnoxious that fucking George H.W. Bush came back to life long enough to say, turns out a couple hundred points of light is plenty and then died again. Look, I'm sorry, gentlemen, but all I see are beautiful

decorations and a sign promising free hot chocolate and cotton candy. I'm going to need a little more of this story before I jump on the bandwagon, okay? I am skeptical. We'll see what we can do. Also, big thanks to Brian for the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com if you want to help out. So it all started when Mr. Morris moved to Idaho in 2015

with big dreams of starting the war on the war on Christmas. He decided to show his Christmas cheer by hiring buses to take random people to his house from other states and even Canada. nativity scene, his caroling grotto area full of lights, a literal camel, and 700,000 Christmas lights. All this months before the Christmas season even started. Okay. And I'm on board. We can fuck this guy now. We are officially on fuck this guy position. Yeah. And just for context, Main Street USA in Disneyland only has about 10,000 lights throughout that entire sector of the park. So, obviously, the HOA had to do something. Instead of attacking with a strike team carrying sawed-off BB guns, which would have been eminently reasonable and justified, the HOA explained to fucking Clark Griswold ESQ that he's literally 70 times more obnoxious than Disneyland and told him that he had to tone it down.

They pointed out that his displays were, quote, well beyond normal residential use and that they violated the HOA's rules about, well, almost everything they have rules about. Every fucking thing. And I know what you're thinking, listener. 700,000 lights? Why, that house must be approximately the size of the palace of her fucking sigh. But no, it's just house-sized. It's a big house, but it's just a big house. It's not a giant house.

Where, you might ask, would one even put 700,000 lights on a house-sized house? It's a good question.? Why on the other fucking lights? Yep. The lights have to have lights on them. It's just insanity. Yeah. It doesn't look nice, right? It looks like those, you ever seen video footage of those underground storage units of government cheese, right? It looks like that, but for Christmas lights, just shelf after the Ark and a Covenant's there. Terrifying fractal of jingoism and Christmas. Yeah. But keep in mind, we're talking about an HOA in Idaho.

So they're kind of the bad guys, too. One board member wrote a letter to Morris wondering if the neighborhood atheists would be offended. Please don't bring us into this. Yes. Thank you. But more importantly, that letter expressed concern that the buses would bring in, quote, riffraff. So...

Oh, ibid. Yeah. Now, that version of the letter was never actually sent, but an approved version resurfaced in court that changed riffraff to possible undesirables. And it changed atheists to non-Christians. Okay, but how is non-Christians? Who the fuck isn't offended by a yard full of camel shit and lights bright enough to burn your shadow into the concrete like a nuclear bomb victims yeah if anything christians should

be offended that you think eternal salvation requires hot chocolate and cotton candy to sell it right yeah and of course this kind of persecution required a very big special report from fox news all about the liberal woke atheists in the HOA who hated Christianity. They're talking about liberal woke atheists from wherever the fuck I know. During the segment, Morris said, quote, I realized if I don't fight back, who would? I was in this position to actually take a stand for Christmas. And that's why I became the lawyer who basically fought for and saved Christmas. End quote. Oh, yeah.

He's truly the fucking Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer of our time, this guy. Hey, everybody, if you're doing the part of the movie where the narrator says, what a hero you are as the credits start to roll but you're the one doing it you're not just fyi the hero doesn't do that for themselves step out of the frame and start doing a different voice no i'm back yeah so in 2017 morris actually won his lawsuit against the hoa and the ruling awarded mor $75,000 in damages for all the religious persecution he endured. Morris said, quote, it was miracle on 34th Street in the modern era. And yeah, I mean, his lawsuit was equally reasonable as arguing the existence of Santa

Claus for real in court. But the HOA appealed, and that's when Judge Windmill took over and overturned the original ruling, saying that Morris had simply violated neighborhood rules and was not, in fact, facing religious discrimination. Nor was the HOA implying that he could not celebrate Christmas, which was apparently part of his complaint. Okay, but he shouldn't be allowed to, right? Yeah, no, he should not. There should be somebody who can revoke his Christmas privileges altogether. Yeah, but honestly, I have a feeling he yelled at this judge

because his killer what-does-it-say-on-a-dollar-bill defense didn't work and it all went downhill from there. Yeah, and here's my favorite part. Somebody made secret recordings of Morris being an aggressive lunatic to his neighbors about the display. And those recordings can be seen in a documentary on Apple TV Plus called Twas the Fight Before Christmas. Fuck yeah, it is. Morris is featured heavily, and he definitely thought it was going to be a documentary that would make him look, you know, good and not insane.

It did not. It made him look insane because he is. Among many other horrible things that Morris did, the documentary shows him harassing the former HOA president until she has an actual nervous breakdown. It's terrifying. I watched the trailer and the very first line is Morris staring at the camera saying, quote, I am the only American, probably the only person in the world who has been banned by a federal court from decorating for Christmas. Okay, that's wrong from at least three directions at the same time. This is a three-car pileup of wrongness, this sentence. It's amazing to me how many people sign up for a documentary thinking, this is my chance to prove I'm not crazy, and then are shocked to their core when they are,

in fact, crazy. Yeah. So the case has been appealed and fought for about eight years now, and still no conclusion. But the latest development with the disbarment is pretty fun. The Idaho State Bar recently told Morris that they have caused to file charges against him because he, quote, made statements that he knows to be false or with reckless disregard to its truth concerning the qualifications or integrity of a judge. And although Morris claims he's protected by freedom of speech, that is not how it works. But, you know, not everybody knows about fancy legal stuff like the First Amendment. You got to like study that in school. Bottom line, Morris is such an asshole

that he's making me side with a homeowners association. That is unacceptable. Right. Okay, but that said, Morris has given me an idea. Hey, kids, welcome to Eli's November Philosophy Fair. Come on in. Come on in, everyone. Thanks, Eli. Thank you. Okay, kids. Welcome to Eli's November Philosophy Fair. Come on in. Come on in, everyone. Thanks, Eli. Thank you.

Okay. Now, who'd like to start out with some hot chocolate? Oh, me. Me. I want it. I want hot chocolate. All right. Hey, I hope you guys don't mind extra marshmallows. I love marshmallows. Yes. Okay. That's right. That's right. Hey, and you know what I love? Having a philosophically sound definition of free will. What?

And don't forget cotton candy. I've got cotton candy here. There's one for you. You see, kids, the commonplace rejection of free will isn't philosophically sound because we can't define a version of the reality where it's been debunked and it could still exist so if you want to define free will as an illusion it's linguistically problematic because the phenomenon we're describing is defined by its illusory nature yeah you get that that

logic sounds circular i think nope it's not it's not circular self-defining like wittgenstein said that's that's definitely not how Wittgenstein used that. I think it's open to interpretation how he would use that. Mr. Morris? Yeah. Hey, kiddo, what's up? I think if your worldview was sound, you could just like state your positions and then people would believe you, right? Yeah, you wouldn't need to bribe people with lights and treats.

Especially children. Like, isn't it deeply problematic for an adult to try to trick children into a philosophical worldview before we're old enough to even consider it? Yeah. You kids want to see a camel or not? Oh, I want to see a camel. Me too.

All right. Well, while we're in there, we can talk about the Kantian definitions of truth, huh? Okay. And in Two Marys, one major news. Conservative Catholics in Italy are spicy, spicy meat to balls over a church nativity scene that features two merry figurines at the Church of Saints Peter and Paul in a town about an hour outside of Naples. Because we can totally get behind an omnipotent

godfathering a human child with an 11-year-old version, but a baby that has two loving parents of the same sex? Absolutement non, je sais pas. Okay, so that was like sort of No Way Jose, but in French slash Italian. I think you nailed it.

Thank you. Thank you. So my question is why they got to sexualize their own fucking nativity scene, right? Because Mary is quite famously a virgin, right? They call her the virgin. So who cares if the person she isn't fucking is a man or a woman? There's a donkey in the nativity scene too, yo. Why aren't you shipping her with him?

Is it a virgin donkey? Ooh, these are the questions. And look, I get it. We all love to think that Italy is a haven of apolitical, pasta-loving, beautiful podcast editors wearing clothing we can't afford. But sadly, Italy is a pretty conservative country to the point where fascist monuments, the OG ones, are still standing.

And neo-Nazi right-wing nutjobs have control of the government once again, Italy. Come on. Italians, you're just like us. It's adorable. Nice. Yeah. I mean, come on. Which the worst thing can come from Italian fascists?

Yeah, it's fair. That is what their electorate said. Yeah. So it's pretty safe to assume that Catholic nativity scenes are a big deal in that country. So conservative Italian Christians have to make themselves hotter than a good arrebata sauce over basically anything that suggests the world is becoming more multicultural and less religious. Don't say mozzarella. Mozzarelle. Yeah, exactly.

There it is. yeah exactly there it is father vitaliano della sala the priest at the church defended the nativity scene by saying i wanted to show with this scene that families are no longer just the traditional i can only do it okay there aren't that many races you can make fun of anymore and you can do italians let me have this okay i wanted to show that the scene that families are no longer just the traditional ones in our power's, we see more and more children from the new types of families that exist and part of our society. Children of separated and divorced people,

gay couples, single people, young mothers. Ho, ho, end quote. He's like, I wanted to show how inclusive we are. And hey man, based on the backlash, I feel like you accidentally did. Yeah, mission accomplished okay so there's a picture of this nativity scene in the article and it's pretty much just the traditional baby in a manger setup but with a second mary wearing a rainbow colored veil but

for some reason joseph is twice the size of the two marys, his man is towering over them both. It's like a funhouse mirror nativity scene. Like a Ken doll having a three-way with two Polly Pockets. It's fucking weird. Can you use an example that isn't awesome and super hot so that the listeners understand what you're talking about? It's crazy. Anyway. Ken doesn't have nipples.

One second. I'm Googling how old Polly Pocket is before I stand by that joke. How old? Never mind. You know what? Joke withdrawn, everybody. Anyways, conservative bigots who have an issue with the nativity scene include Senator Maurizio Gasparri of the co-ruling Forza Italiano party.

That's a right-leaning moderate party, in case that's relevant. Who said that it, quote, offends all those who always had respect and devotion for the whole family, end quote. All right. I feel like the guy that raped a baby into the fiancee disrespected it way more than any nativity scene ever could. But all right. Thank you.

Thank you. And the Pro Vita and Familia group, basically the Italian version of Focus on the Family, called the three pieces of plastic, quote, dangerous as well as shameful and blasphemous, end quote, accusing it of contradicting the church's teachings about same-sex marriage, except... It's weird that that guy didn't say it with an Italian accent, that one guy. He didn't. No, they're Swedes. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Anyways, except, oops, it actually is in line with Pope Francis' edict from earlier in December that says the church can now bless same-sex marriages. Aw. Aw, maybe don't nominate a guy in the now to talk to your buddy God for you

if you want your values to stay in the Bronze Age, huh? Yeah. Hey, conservative Italians, when the Pope is too woke for you, you've gone awry. Something has gone awry. Something has gone horribly wrong. Maybe stick with tax fraud and bunga bunga parties.

Just stay in your lane. Right. And quick before the plastic dolls of non-interlocking genitalia rip the very fabric of space-time apart, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucin. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It is what she was lovely wife, Lucyn. A man wrote the Bible? A horse would smug. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Well, as much as I hate to start the year off with bad news, I wouldn't exactly be doing my job if I didn't. So here's a not-so-fun fact to kick off 2024 with. In the wake of Roe being overturned, at least 16 states have agreed to funnel more than $250 million in taxpayer money to crisis pregnancy centers. You know these fucking things. We've talked about them a lot

on the show. There are these places that trick people into believing they're abortion clinics, but they're actually unregulated, unlicensed, religious facilities that try to convince people not to terminate their pregnancy. The very fact that they exist is already worth vomiting over. The fact that they're now state-funded is worth punching someone else until they vomit over. Now, to be clear, this isn't exactly new. States have found ways to fund these despicable bait and switch operations for years.

But since the overturning of Roe, states have become way more brazen about pissing our money away on this shit. And of course, those are the same states that are working hardest to make abortion unobtainable. So they're in the places where crisis pregnancy center victims will be most desperate. And of course, I shouldn't have to tell you that these operations aren't exactly known for their commitment to truth. According to the news story I saw, there are more than 2,500 crisis pregnancy centers in the U.S. And not a month goes by where I don't see at least one story about them, like telling women that abortions cause breast cancer or exaggerating risks of infertility and shit like that. So we're literally

paying these assholes to lie to us. And last year we gave them one hell of a raise. And I hate to say it, but I'm not just going to give you bad news from now. I've also got to reach back into last year and take away good news I gave you then. You might remember me talking about St. Mary's College in Indiana, a Catholic all-women's school that caused a conservative meltdown by announcing that it would start accepting trans students. Well, it turns out that meltdown was successful. The commitment the assholes had to freaking out was greater than the commitment the college had

to trans humanity. So the school's board sent out an email last week reversing its policy and promising to keep discriminating for the foreseeable future. But don't worry, I am going to make with a silver lining before me and my dark cloud push through. With a quick thanks to Dan, who sent this one to us at scathingnews at gmail.com, I'm pleased to announce that in 2024, New Jersey residents will no longer need a prescription to

buy birth control pills, which is great. But like all good news that we've ever heard on TWIM, it comes with the what the fuck took so long caveat i mean seriously the most popular birth control for men is literally available in vending machines but the most popular one for women you still have to pay somebody to give you permission to buy it from a judgy pharmacist who can't just stand at the same goddamn level as everybody else anyway that's what we call ending on a positive note here at TWIM. So I'll wrap up there and hand you back over to Noah,

Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Lessman's news tonight, that's going to be really good. It's like Mormons, but it's less. Like Mormons. You're right. One of the big hurdles

that I have to constantly overcome on this show is reconciling my love for demographics with the fact that it's really boring to read statistics at you during the show. If you wanted somebody barking statistics at you, you'd be listening to sports coverage. I get it. But once in a while, we come across the demographic story that is too fucking juicy to pass up, which was the case when we learned that according to a paper recently published in the Journal of Religion and Demography, Mormons are no longer the majority in Utah. Yeah, what's more, despite the dubiously sourced objections of the church, Mormons haven't held a majority in Utah since 2007. They all start yelling slurs at themselves as soon as they hear this, bullying themselves at school. Just like, fuck, this hurts me more than it hurts me. This is confusing. I don't know who to bully right now.

Okay, but on the plus side, knowing Mormon history, now, in a hundred years, they'll get to pretend that they were, like, driven out of Utah by rabble-rousing anti-Mormon bigots. Won't they, though? Utah by rabble-rousing anti-Mormon bigots. So first of all, for those who are unaware, Utah is 84,900 square miles of breathtaking beauty interrupted only by occasional wacky tributes

to Joseph Smith. And avocado toast. Great avocado toast. It's a solid contender for the most gorgeous state in the contiguous U.S. And it is a damnable shame that we've abandoned it to Mormons for so long. Now, in our defense, Mormons didn't exactly make it easy for us to settle there. They did rescind their policy of shooting at non-Mormons back in the 1850s, which was nice of them,

but they didn't exactly throw open the gates and put out a welcome mat. But it looks like we're elbowing in anyway to the tune of 58% of the state's current population. Okay, based on history, if we keep going, they'll have to like jump into wooden submarines and go to Japan, I think. Right, yeah. That's Japan's problem. And Japan has a great history of dealing with white people in submarines. So I think they're going to be okay. I think this is going to work out for them. Now, to be clear, these numbers are controversial. If you ask the LDS, Mormons made up about 60.7% of the state's population. But to be fair, if you ask the LDS, black people got souls in 1974.

Right, yeah, exactly. Can't trust a word they say. Those numbers are based on their membership roles. And to have your name, like your name is put on there when you're born. And to have it taken off, you have to fill out 23 forms in triplicate, fight a tiger with a knife and answer me these riddles three.

So yes, that is absolute bullshit. Okay. We watched our friend from Utah deal with this in New York City. Missionaries would show up at our place in New York City and this guy would be like, this is one hand clapping. I'm not Mormon.

Stop coming here. What do I have to do? I think they still do that to him. But according to the far more reputable Public Religion Research Institute, Mormons still comprise a majority 55% of the population. But according to this paper, PRRI's numbers are drawn from a sample size

that's too small to be definitive. And it also counts a lot of people who are, for lack of a better term, only culturally Mormon. Okay. Well, they don't go to religious services, they don't believe in the divine inspiration of the Book of Mormon, they don't tithe to the church, but they come from a

Mormon family, and they still say Mormon when the guy on the phone asks their religion. Hey, what religion are you if your grandma is weeping right now mormon god right yeah yeah i mean look i i hate to be the bearer of bad news to the people who wrote this paper but if that's your methodology everyone but two mentally ill guys and a liar are atheists i don't know well some of them still go to church, though. Now, the most encouraging news in the story came in the form of the why portion of the paper, because it's not so much that non-Mormons are moving into the state,

but rather that Mormons in the state are ceasing to be Mormons. And that has a snowball effect, right? Like 50 years ago, if you left the Mormon church and you lived in Utah, you would be socially shunned. Everyone would know it. But now the majority, or if you believe PRI, the near majority of your neighbors also don't belong to that church, right? There will be plenty of alternative game nights to keep you occupied. Hell, the paper specifically mentions the easy availability of ex-Mormon support groups in

pretty much every part of Utah. So it's safe to say that the atheist community gets to take at least a little bit of credit for this. Exactly. Funeral potatoes and anal sex? Step aside, God. There's a new king in town. Right? And finally tonight. I'm so happy!

Oy, yay news. We have a story about Kanye West and his delightful relationship with the Jewish community. It's not great. In fairness, very few can rise through the ranks of the entertainment industry, become wildly rich and famous, and come out the other side being super cool and well-adjusted people. You're going to go death con three sick on some religious minority group or another at some point caps lock on nevertheless caps lock off kanye's been making that group of death con threateners look bad

with unhinged remarks support for donald trump his blade runner outfits that he has and of course the seemingly unabashed anti-semitism from kanye's one-star review of a new york doctor he's not gonna say what religion he's jewish the jewish doctor was jewish doctor to the gushing praise of literally mind comp kanye really needed to get abashed little abashed would have been uh would have been him to go. Sorry, I know that this is my Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina is a disease,

but I do just need to remind our audience briefly that the news clip where Kanye West says the religion of the doctor is the most perfect comedic timing

ever captured on film. Morgan? The thing about the red hat that drove me to a point of exhaustion, which was misdiagnosed by a, I'm not going to say what race, what people, doctor, and what hospital, and what media went to. We know I can't say that. It was a Jewish doctor. Sorry, Heath, you were saying, you were saying.

Well, with a new album ready to plots, the rapper had to make people he claims control of media happy, and he released an apology to the Jewish community on Instagram last week. And to let everyone know he's very serious about it, he posted that apology in Hebrew. So, Eli, as a person who was raised in the Jewish faith Did that help? Did it make it better?

It is 2023 at this point I'm just grateful he's not the president of Harvard University It's 2024 actually Now as of this record I don't think anyone is by the way That's true, that's true We have an opening Yeah, so reminding us all that musical talent

Still can't eliminate tone deafness, Kanye said in Hebrew with, I'm certain, a very problematic accent in his head as he wrote it, quote, it was never my intention to hurt or disrespect and I deeply regret any pain I may have caused.

He also added that he's working toward, quote, greater sensitivity and understanding and dedicated to making amends and working toward promoting unity. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Lesson one about the sensitivity thing. I wrote it in you people's language. Not a good thing, Kanye. Not actually a plus.

Okay, but if we take him at face value here, you can't help but wonder what his intentions were. When he literally declared war on an entire religion and then threatened to go death con three on them, whatever the fuck that means. What were your intentions then? You wanted to do that respectfully? Not clear. Hold on. Let me look up something in Hebrew. I'll tell you in a second. So the Anti-Defamation League weighed in on the apology,

and they're cautiously optimistic. I guess the group told CNN, quote, ultimately, actions will speak louder than words, but this initial act of contrition is welcome. Now, personally, for me, I would have enjoyed their response a little bit more if they performed it as a rap. But the ADL is classier than I am.

And we'll see if Kanye's behavior improves going forward. Also, apropos of nothing, Ye went back to prepping the release of his new tracks, one of which contains the line, exact words, How am I anti-Semitic? I just fucked a Jewish bitch. So, yeah, good times. That's what he's doing now. I just fucked a Jewish bitch is the new we are the world.

I really hope he gets a bunch of celebrities involved. Yeah. One other thing, I hate to give notes about lyrics to a true professional, but the apology and the new track

might come across a little bit better if he had said shtupped a Jewish bitch. Oh, of course. Just saying. Maybe a little more effort to absorb the culture. Thank you, Heath.

On behalf of my people, thank you. And with Kanye thusly advised, I think we can close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, Jesus and Nazareth will get soaking wet. And then Anna got me a shirt with Madge on it. Oh, that

sounds amazing. It is amazing. I got engaged. Oh, yeah. And she's in a bunch of different positions on the shirt. Oh, that is so cute. So many positions. Guys, are you done comparing Christmases so we can do Bible Peace Theater? Oh, the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our

listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. I feel like maybe Don had a follow-up to the thing I just said just now. So it was cute. No? Okay, I guess we're ready then weird don't worry i'll cut it okay cool cool cool so where were we in the bible jesus was just born right and it was almost nothing like the most famous story they won't stop telling us exactly so now we cut over to

john the baptist preaching in the wilderness and predicting the end of the world. Nice. What's he like? You know, so we know how to portray him in the Bible Peace Theater. Well, so the character of John the Baptist is actually pretty different than the popular depiction. He's generally presented as sort of like Jesus's sidekick today, meekly washing Jesus's feet and all. But in Matthew especially, he's kind of a rugged wanderer type. Apparently his clothes are made

of camel hair and he eats locusts and he's actually really confrontational in his preaching. Oh, so a hyper antagonistic wilderness lover with incredibly specific eating habits. Yes, yeah, I guess. So how do you guys want to play him?

Well, I mean... Seems pretty clear. Why are you guys want to play them? Well, I mean... Seems pretty clear. Why are you guys looking at me like that? Hi, everybody. I'm John the Baptist. There it is. Nice. Yeah.

Anyway, everybody line up for your blessings, but make it snappy. World's going to end any fucking second here, so... Hello. Sins? Oh, let's see. I kicked my neighbor's hut I mixed fibers Slavery

Sure, sure, yeah, whatever, you're good, I baptize you Thanks? You're welcome, tip cup is by the towels Next Hi Hello Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me, seriously? Pharisees and Sadducees?

What? Come on. You guys suck. Yeah, that's why we're here for absolution. Oh, that's why we're here for absolution? Well, yeah, yeah. Well, someday God's gonna be here, and he's gonna cleanse you with the Holy Ghost's fire.

So, should we wait for that? No, no, it's fine. Tip Cup is by the towels. Next. Come on, you, like, barely got me. I said Tip Cup is by the towels. Whatever. Oh, why, hey there, cousin.

Jesus? Oh, yeah, you know it, honey. Well, they really went with Sassy Gay Jesus, huh? I mean, yeah, he's lost Croak and Hold to Eli, so. Hey, just to clarify, I've never lost Croak and Hold to Eli. That's ridiculous. He just wrote that in. He writes things in.

Heath, are you in the voiceover booth right now? No. Undefeated. I'm officially undefeated. But Jesus, what are you doing here for baptism? Shouldn't, like, you be baptizing me? I mean, probably, but, like, what are you going to do? Plus, I don't know, I have this whole entrance plan,

and it's a thing. So you have an entrance planned? Oh, yeah, trust me, it's going to be amazing. If you say so. Here you go. It's going to be amazing. If you say so. Here you go.

This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased. Wow, that is an entrance. Oh, did you see the love of God turn into an actual dove? I saw the dove, yes. Oh, you hated it. No, no, no. It was great. No, you hated it. My hair is

never going to get dry. Why did I choose shoulder length? Hey, Jesus. How's it going? Oh, hey, John. What's up? Oh, I'm actually not John. No, Jesus. How's it going? Oh, hey, John. What's up? Oh, I'm actually not John. No, I'm Satan.

Oh, that's so weird. You guys sound exactly the same. Yeah, you think they would have thought of that before they did that whole bit about how John the Baptist sounded like me. Oh, fair. Okay, so you're Satan, right? Yep.

Yeah, I used to work for your dad. Nice interest, by the way. I love the part with the dove. Oh, thank you. John hated it. No, yeah, I could tell. Anyway, look, if you're the son of God, I was wondering if you could turn these stones into

bread. Oh, man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. So that means you're not going to do it? Because this is like your second appearance in the Bible. I feel like a miracle wouldn't exactly go amiss here. Oh, I know, but I've been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights to slim down.

And if I see bread right now, I am going to go full Roseanne bar in here. It is not going to be pretty. No, okay, that's fair. Like, oh, you know, just... No, I get, I got it. I got it. All right, Satan,

why did you bring me to the top of the tallest tower in Jerusalem? Well, I was thinking, since you're so into Bible quotes, right, the Bible says he shall give his angels charge concerning thee, and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone. Right? So why don't you just, you know, jump off and do a little angel acrobatics?

Right? That would be cool, wouldn't it? Yeah, but it also says thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Okay, but what does that mean? It means don't even try it, honey. You know what? The sassy gay thing is growing on me. Right? Say less.

Okay. Oh, my God. Seriously, sighting the top of a mountain? I already said no air show. What am I,

Tom Cruise? No, no, you're much more openly gay. Look, you see all of these countries out here?

Uh-huh, yeah. Okay, well, if you team up with me instead of your dad, I will give you all of that, everything. Okay, well, if you team up with me instead of your dad, I will give you all of that, everything. Ooh, you mean like Lion King?

Yes, like Lion King. Oh, talk about queer-coded. Yeah, Scar is a weird take. Scar, please. Timon was literally voiced by Nathan Lane. Sure, that too. Anyway, are you in? I'm going to stick with my dad.

Alright, but he's going to sacrifice you over a grudge you had no part in. I mean, boomers, am I right? You are right, yes. So, where are you headed after this? Oh, Galilee. John the Baptist got himself thrown in prison.

Plus beach scene. Am I right? Sure. All right, well, I'll see ya. Oh, come on. He left me here. Angels, a little help, please. Hey, what's up?

You need a ride? Oh, God, yes. Thank you. Yeah, sorry my hands are sticky. I was eating soup. With your hands? No. Beach scene. Beach scene. Uh, hello, excuse me.

Sorry, Mr. Fisherman. Uh, yeah. Can I help you? Yeah. I was hoping there's, you know, sort of a beach scene around here. Thinking, like, Venice Beach, but, like, a little less down low, if you get my feeling. If you know what I mean. We do not know what you mean.

Don't understand anything you just said. Nope. That's fine. Well, what are your names? I'm Simon, but you can call me Peter because the Bible is confusing. And this is my brother, Andrew. Hi. Hey.

All right. Well, Peter, Andrew, how'd you like to become fishers of men, if you know what I mean? Again, we do not know what you mean. But yeah, I guess, sure, why not? Yeah, I'm in. Okay, great. You're both going to want to download Scruff and just... Um, okay, what's Scruff? Okay, all right, I'll tell you on the walk.

It'll be fine. Can't believe we have to sit here mending nets all day. Right? be fine can't believe we have to sit here mending nets all day right now james and john i am your father's hippity and you might not like being fishermen now but i have a feeling you're destined for great things oh fuck yeah they are dad nice to meet you i'm jesus son of God. How'd you boys like to follow me? Sure, yeah, I guess. Yeah, why not? Okay, nice. I will introduce you to the other two.

If he tells you to download Scruff, don't do it. I'm not really sure what's going on there, but I got like three messages, and they all felt just deeply predatory. Yeah, predatory. Just really bad vibes. Skip that. Don't listen to them.

They just don't get it yet. So Jesus wanders around Galilee for a bit, healing the sick, healing people who are filled with demons, you know. And now it's time for his first big speech, the Beatitudes. All right. Is everyone ready for that famous jesus wisdom so ready okay okay don't pull focus now sorry sorry all right still pulling a little bit all right there we go okay yep all right blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. I'm not sure what that means.

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Does he mean like shy people? What is that? I'm unclear why mourning is a good thing. That seems kind of self-evident.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. And blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God.

Okay, I like those last couple. Those were good. Okay, but most importantly, I like those last couple. Those were good. Those were good. Okay, but most importantly, blessed are those that worship me for though people will persecute you and hate you and build a medium-sized podcasting business based on making fun of you,

you will get your rewards in heaven. So, you know, keep up the good work. And by good work, I mean worshiping me. Kind of lost me at the end there. I feel like we're bigger than medium-sized. Okay, okay. So, now I want to talk about laws. I want to be very clear.

I am not here to change the laws of Moses in any way. Not one jot or tittle. Oh, wow. Well, I guess that means that we're going to all have to. Okay, that said, here are some changes to the laws of Moses. Never mind then. Okay, first of all, no killing. Never mind then.

Okay, first of all, no killing. I know the old book was just incredibly explicit about who you should kill, but I would like you to stop killing people. Wow, that is better than the last book. Okay. Yes, that is correct. And if you get involved in a lawsuit, just settle as quickly as you can

because lawyers are fucking expensive. Okay. Seems specific. Okay, let's see. Adultery is a thought crime. Wait, sorry, what? Yeah, pull out your eyes and cut off your hands rather than sin

because it's better to do that than to go to hell. Well, this took a wildly violent turn. I'm sorry, didn't he say at the beginning he wasn't going to change the laws of Moses? I feel like... Okay, divorce is adultery and so is marrying a woman who is divorced. Noah, will you tell the guy to stop attacking Anne in the Bible Peace Theater, please? That one is in the Bible. Oh.

Still though. Oh, and don't swear any oaths. Just answer yes or no to stuff. I feel like that's going to be wildly impractical. Who would that help?

Okay. Okay. This one is a good one. You've all heard of an eye for an eye, right? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm saying don't do that. Turn the other cheek.

Well, that's not bad. Yeah, I think that could actually result in a fairly good I mean in fact if someone sues you for your coat just give them your cloak as well well that's definitely not good advice I mean if someone asks you for a mile you give them two

miles well that doesn't even seem useful to them don't even know what that means I mean never say no to anything anyone ever asks you under like any circumstance ever. Okay, now it's weird, right? You all feel the weird vibes. Okay, and love your enemies and be perfect because God is perfect.

Sorry, Jesus, I just want to clarify, the conclusion of the Beatitudes, universally agreed to be your best advice and your second most famous sermon, is be perfect because God, who is you, is

perfect. Got it, I guess. Okay. But we're number one in our category on iTunes. I said medium. Who are you, Joe Rogan? And with the promise that Jesus' advice just gets

worse from there, we're going to wrap up another installment of Bible Peace Deal. Before we file this one under Peace. The end. or checking the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Data, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't do that aforementioned filing

if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being as revolutionary as paper, Eli Bosney for being as solid as a rock, and Lucid Illusions for being as sharp as scissors. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for being as something as a lizard and Spock, probably. I don't know. Also, I also want to thank Chris for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Here's hoping your representation will get less stupid in the new year,

and here's knowing that it probably won't. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best bipeds, Shanna, Sam, David, Far Harder, Christopher, Carol, Angus, Finn, Celia, Marvin, Nicholas, Donovan, Stephanie, Josh, and Tangerine Twitter Machine. Shanna, Sam, David, Far, and Christopher are so hot I had to up my fire insurance just to put their names on my notes. Carol, Angus, Finn, Celia, and Marvin, who have so much personal magnetism they have to be careful around hard drives,

and Nicholas, Donovan, Stephanie, Josh, and Tangerine, who are so bright the eclipse goes both ways when they're in the path of totality. Together these 15 heartwarming heathens wholeheartedly helped us heft our humanistic harangues this week and last week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode

donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus whereby you'll have access to an extended ad for every version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help but you're not done with your money yet, you can also help a ton by leaving a firestar review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media,

and speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. Additional writing for this episode was provided by Mike Schuster and Andrea Romano, and our audio engineer was Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page

at scathingatheist.com. Four. Four. Five. Five. You do four? Mm-hmm. Nope. Five. Five. Do four? Mm-hmm. Nope.

Sure. Let's do another one just in case someone didn't do four. Such a weird one. Yeah, just in case. Right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.