The Scathing Atheist - 570: Mere Edition

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

In this week’s episode, Christians simultaneously believe their god made Trump and is worthy or worship, people in North Carolina and Montana scour the woods after Pornhub blocks them, and we’ll pick another book to hate read. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Vatican considers removing celibacy requirement for priests: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/jan/08/consider-revising-celibacy-rule-catholic-priests-vatican-official-says Trump tweets out insane "God Made Trump" video: https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/111703421569603715 Alabama School trades first amendment violations for snacks: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/alabama-school-to-churches-donate Vatican’s Doctrine Chief under fire for writing about orgasms 25 years ago: https://religionnews.com/2024/01/09/vaticans-doctrine-chief-is-raising-eyebrows-over-his-1998-book-that-graphically-describes-orgasms/ Pornhub blocks access in Montana and North Carolina: https://cybernews.com/news/pornhub-montana-north-carolina-age-verification/ https://boingboing.net/2024/01/03/watching-porn-is-getting-harder-in-montana-and-north-carolina.html https://www.themarysue.com/a-statewide-nsfw-ban-inside-north-carolinas-pave-act/ Video of a 10 foot tall alien in Miami is not that: https://www.forbes.com/sites/antoniopequenoiv/2024/01/05/rumors-of-10-foot-alien-at-miami-mall-circulate-online-heres-what-actually-happened/?sh=3b7a6a552f6d

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language in its most juvenile form. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HelloFresh, and by the new meal delivery service for people who want stale shit, Hell No Fresh. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Good news, everyone! It's me, Professor Farnsworth. I'm here to tell you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And if you want to see a cosplay of my good pal Bender, then go to richroll at Instagram to see it. Thanks. It's Thursday.

It's January 18th. And it's National Peking Duck Day. Oh, you like what you see, you dirty little duck? Not that kind of Peking. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Chelsea, Handlers, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia,

this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the duck jerking off through my window will make no sense anymore. People in North Carolina and Montana scour the woods after Pornhub shuts them down. And we'll pick another book to hate read. But first, the diatribe. I had that moment again where a Christian saw my office. That's always fun. I had relatives over wanted to see my studio.

He knew what I did for a living. He wanted to see what the magic happened. And that's awkward because he's very much a believer and a vocal one. And my studio, which is also my office, is very much atheist. It's decorated with shit that listeners gave me, right, over the years. So there's a license plate that says atheist. There's decorated with shit that listeners gave me right over the years. So there's a license plate that says atheist. There's atheist t-shirts.

There's a painting of sword mouth Jesus. It's a lot for Christians to take in. So he looks around. He does the facial expression equivalent of the sign of the cross. And then his eyes land on my bookshelf, specifically the shelf with the Bible and all the religious reference materials.

And his eye lingers there for a moment. And I know that part of it is because he's jealous that my Bible is bigger than me. But finally, he formulates the question. And it's the same question they always ask, so much so that it was rude for me to force him to formulate it rather than just handing it to him on a fucking card or something. He says, if you're not a Christian, why are you so interested in Christianity? And sometimes this question is accusatory, right? They're trying to imply that I secretly believe in their God

and I've got all this stuff because I'm inextricably drawn towards their truth. But I didn't get that impression in this instance. He was just genuinely curious and that makes it a hard question to answer. Not because the answer is hard to say, mind you, but because it's hard to hear. Because his question is exactly backwards.

What makes religion interesting is precisely the fact that it isn't true. Why the fuck would you be interested in it if it was true? I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm interested in the truth of the world as much as anybody else. But if Christianity were true, then the ultimate answers are known. And there's not much more to see. The answer to the fundamental question is magic and any look into the religion itself is just satisfying a curiosity about, you know, fucking interior decorating choices there God

made when he created the universe. But that's just what it does to regular questions. The questions about religion itself fare even worse if you're a believer. Questions like, who is God? What is God like? And why is God like that? Are all cheapened to sheer knickknackery if he's a real dude. They're not much more interesting or profound than questions like, who is Dave? And why is Dave the way he is? Of course, religion isn't real. So questions about God's nature are imbued with all kinds of really cool meaning, religion isn't real. So questions about God's nature are imbued with all kinds of really cool meaning, right? Who a culture's God is and what that God is like tells you a lot about their cultural values. Learning how their God got like he is tells you a lot about their shared history.

Looking at how they interact with that God tells you about their cosmology. Studying the way they relate to their deity tells you about their sociology. That's all really interesting shit. And it's gone as soon as you believe in one of the gods, right? You have to divide your world then into people who are religiously correct and incorrect. And at best, you can only ask your really interesting questions about people outside your group. I mean, sure, you can ask about your own God and no doubt you will. You can ask why your God wants this type of calf as a sacrifice and not that one. You can ask why he's got a thing against shellfish. You can ask why he chooses the symbols that he chooses. But until you can step outside the religion and view those questions from an objective historical perspective, you can't

answer them correctly. Because if God's real, the reason he wants this or that sacrifice can't be dependent on the availability or value of certain draft animals in the 5th century BCE Levant or whatever. It has to be because God likes that particular flavor. I mean, the most interesting aspect of religion if you ask me is comparative, but if you're standing

inside one of the face, the only meaningful comparisons are right versus wrong. You can't even compare your own religion to itself a hundred or a thousand years ago because to do so would be to admit that it isn't the universal, unchanging, absolute truth that it purports to be. So why am I, a non-Christian, interested in Christianity?

Because I'm honest enough to see what the interesting bits are. Because I'm actually allowed to ask why it is the way that it is and how it got there and consider multiple perspectives along the way to an answer. And when I find an interesting question, I'm allowed to pursue it no matter where the answer leads. And let me tell you, the coolest places it tends to go are the ones that the Christians are least allowed to follow. So yeah, as strange as it is to say, it looks like we can fairly add

the benefits of religion to the huge list of shit that religion robs you of. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Abbott and Costello

to my mummy Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to wrap up this intro? First, I'm on first. Oh, I hate being the who guy. All right. Well, clearly I've got to ask Heath who he is or something. So while I do that, we'll pause for a word from this week's sponsor, HelloFresh. Hello, sir. Welcome to Denny's Ding Dang Diner. Can I help you? Yeah, I'm on a special diet and I was wondering what your options are for me. Special diet? What am I, HelloFresh?

What's HelloFresh? With HelloFresh you get farm-fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit.

And what do you have here? Well, I mean, we got a 76-page menu, but it doesn't have anything for you in it. But you're saying that HelloFresh does? They sure do. They have over 45 dinner options to choose from weekly, and even more market add-on items that suit any lifestyle. They got vegan, veggie, calorie smart meals, and so much more. Wow. So I can save money by eating at home and keep my diet? All while skipping the hassle of grocery shopping. I don't know. Have you actually tried it? I have. I'm here too. I was a HelloFresh customer even before they became a sponsor. I love how the meals unpack in the fridge in seconds. And I love that I can work deliveries

around my busy schedule. All right. Well, then I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash scathing free and use code scathing free for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash scathing free with code scathing free. All right.

Thanks. So since I'm here, is the halibut fresh? You remember the creation of the sun? No. Well, the halibut does. Got it. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, with a preemptive thanks to Nick for sending us this one at scathingnews at gmail.com.

Thanks. You know, in a lot of ways, being a Roman Catholic priest is a sweet gig. The pay's pretty good. There's lots of travel. You don't have to do any actual things. You get a large selection of flamboyant uniforms and you're immune from almost all the laws. So it seems like it should be a pretty easy position to fill. And yet the Vatican is facing a worldwide shortage of people willing to take the job so severe that it threatens their continued existence. Well, Archbishop Charles Cacluna of Malta may have just nailed the heart of the issue, perhaps because he wasn't allowed to nail anything else. Fucking, you see, is great.

It's just really great. And forced celibacy is a fucked up torture that literally breaks our minds. And so he's made the heretical suggestion that perhaps Catholicism should give up the celibacy requirements for priests. Yeah, okay. So you know how I don't give dancing advice from inside of a magical booth? It's kind of like that. It's like that. It's like that.

Sorry, you know what they say about Skakluna of Malta? What's that? It means no worries. Don't. Skakluna of Malta. Skakluna of Malta. Skakluna of Malta. I was happy with that as you are.

Now, to be clear... That's it. That's the show this week, everybody. Thanks for coming. I'm not doing anything better than this. We will do nothing but this now. Now, to be clear, the majority of Catholic priests have already given up on the celibacy requirements,

and not just when they're raping children. The impressive volume of priests gets arrested during gay orgy stories we cover on this show should serve as plenty of evidence of that, as should the fact that priests can reach their own dicks. But the celibacy policy is still in place, and Scicluna would like to change it. In an interview with the

Times of Malta, he pointed out that the church had quote, lost many great priests because they chose marriage, end quote, and said that if it were up to him, he would revise the celibacy requirement, though he admitted that many within the Vatican would view such a move as heretical. Okay, you know a bunch of priests right now are like,

come on, I'm fucking 90. Yeah. Man, this is bullshit. This doesn't help me much. I'm just doing lines. I'm sorry. You're willing to defy what you believe to be the divine command for clergy from the Apostle Matthew because the incoming class is a little small?

This is what it took? Yeah. Now, to be fair, this is not the first we've heard of taking priest dicks out of retirement during the reign of Pope Francis' wives either, right? So back in 2017, he publicly mused about the potential of ordaining married men to help out in areas that face severe pre-shortages, to

the extent that not having enough child rapists around to lie to people can be severe, I guess. It's also come up virtually every time any organization has made a good faith effort to look into why serial rape is such a particular issue within this particular institution, in the instances that those good faith efforts were allowed to publish their findings that is and because fun fact if you tell undereducated men who made their vows when they were 17 that

they're somewhere between humans and angels but that any sex will break that vow and damn them to hell forever the thing is they get a hell of a lot less choosy about who they're fucking when you do that. Yeah, that's the thing. In for a penny, in for pounding is kind of the balance. Now, it's actually hard to read the tea leaves as far as where little orphan Franny actually comes down on this issue.

Because after publicly suggesting it in 2017, he publicly disavowed it in 2019. In 2021, he specifically rejected a proposal that would have allowed a limited number of elderly married men to be ordained in a limited area with a severe priest shortage, again, whatever the fuck that means. But in 2023, he said that celibacy as a rule was, quote, not eternal like priestly ordination, end quote, and said that it could be revised in the future. So it's kind of hard to say where he is on the issue. It kind of feels like, you know,

one of those like house painting companies. It's like show up in the parking lot of Home Depot at 8 a.m. and you can be a priest like for a day if we need you, I guess. Yeah. You are allowed to fuck and have this job perhaps. Right. And I should be clear on this. Look, the celibacy rule for catholic priests was

adopted in the 11th century it's not a foundational concept inextricably intertwined with the church's very being it's a self-imposed torture they adopted back when we were still trying to cure migraines with powdered human skull almost all the other christians let their priests fuck and they managed to lie about salvation just as good as the Catholics do. So it's unnecessary. It contributes to depression and suicide among priests. It contributes to the rape of children and vulnerable adults. It fucks up their recruitment efforts and it serves no fucking purpose. So given what we know about the Catholic church, strong bet it's here to stay. Yeah, that on brand and in god don't make no trump news

as the republican primary swirls around the bowl of politics towards its inevitable conclusion in spite of what seems more and more like the absolute truth of trump's nomination it's fair to say that the former president's self-promotion has gotten weird from accepting the nomination of black lives matter dot fun to tweeting out a picture of himself accompanied in court by jesus christ of nazareth his campaign has become a smidge self-edifying and we took another step up the ladder to trump at god king this week when he tweeted out a video titled so god made trump yeah yeah so before the primary is over he'll graduate from threatening to shoot a guy on fifth avenue to threatening to strike that guy with lightning just sword mouth that guy to death yeah okay definitely completely unhinged

that was insane but i'm not sure this was a step up the ladder. Like Eli said, this might have been his team saying something like, hey, Donald, you remember the giant golden idol and Nazi runes at CPAC? Those were a little much. Maybe dial it back to, I don't know, like I am Neo and God gave me Kung Fu or something more chill. That's fair. That is a fair response, Ethan, right? Okay. So first things first, a big thank you to everyone who sent us this video. If you want to do our jobs for us, knowing that it brings you one step closer to sexual Congress, you can send us atheist news at scathingnews at gmail.com. Now, Morgan, I want to be clear.

This video is a ripoff of a ripoff of a bad speech, right? The original speech given in 1978 is called, So God Made a Farmer. And then earlier last year, Ron DeSantis tweeted out a self-serving video version about himself. Well, like everything else, Trump took DeSantis' thing and made it fucking crazier, giving us the video he posted on Truth Social this week. Ooh, I can't wait to see Trump's version of the boots. Oh, it's the one thing I wanted that the video didn't have. And look.

I'm picturing it now. It's so stupid. Yes. It's got rhinestones all over it. Yes. They're high-heeled in my vision. Yeah. And look, I know what I'm about to read you.

It's a little bit on the long side, but I promise you, this is comedy fucking gold. So let's go over the transcript of this video, shall we? Quote, And on June 14th, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, I need a caretaker.

So God gave us Trump. Sorry, does it happen in that voice like that? I didn't watch it. It absolutely happens in this voice. He's not exaggerating at all. said i need somebody willing to get up before dawn fix this country work all day fight the marxists what eat supper what yeah he does eat supper to be clear the thing that he does in that list is eat supper it's a big mac all right yeah then go to Oval Office and stay past midnight at a meeting of the heads of state.

So God made Trump. Okay. So first of all, he's trying to make meeting to get up to pee at 5 a.m. a virtue. And then he's lying from that point on. He's just lying. Well, about the supper thing's real, but everything else. Also, just to be clear, he works all day and then he fights the marxists before supper that's that's such a small window so first of all lazy yes also didn't leave enough time for

marxist fighting on the schedule yeah that's weird also we're not making our big marxist moves during marxist happy hour it doesn't even make sense what he's saying there. Thank you. Also, you've just let the Marxist hang around all fucking day while you were getting done with work. All morning? They had brunch. You should have just started off. To redistribute the ex-Benedict? Yeah. Exactly. It continues. I need somebody

with arms strong enough to rustle the deep state and yet gentle enough to deliver his own grandchild. Who is that for who is that like yes you know how my arms are right in the goldilocks zone write that down goldilocks arms it continues somebody to ruffle the feathers tame cantankerous world economic forum come home hungry have to wait until the first lady is done with lunch with friends, then tell the lady. What is happening?

That feels so weird. That's such a weird past the Christmas thing. Remember though, she wasn't done when I was done with the food. Remember, I had to wait. He's this magical character created by God. And he's just like tapping his foot being like, oh, lunch is going pretty long there. I guess I'll wait.

It's in the speech but then he can't get into the fucking brunch room because they're still in there gabbing anyways fuck then tell the ladies to be sure and come back real soon and mean it so god gave us trump okay i have to dial this back for just a second here i will readily believe that donald trump spent a lot of time with his daughter's badge, but I don't think he delivered his grandchild. What does that mean? That seems insane to me.

There's no way that's real. I need the fucking context behind that story. I do. I do. All right. He continues. I need somebody who can shape an axe, but wield a sword. Who had the courage to step foot in North Korea. Who can make money from the tar of the sand turn liquid into gold who understands the difference between tariffs

and inflation what will finish his 40-hour week by tuesday noon but then put in another 72 hours so god made trump turn liquid to Yeah, what the fuck was that? A hundred bucks says he's going to declare himself the sun and the moon before November 5th. I also know alchemy on top of my perfect gold watch. And nunchaku stuff. But I do have to wait. But Ivanka still won't let me be in the same room as her when she's eating.

So, you know, again, pluses and minuses. All right. still won't let me be in the same room as her when she's eating so you know again pluses and minuses all right god said i need somebody who will be strong and courageous who will not be afraid or terrified of the wolves when they attack a man who cares for the flock a shepherd to mankind who won't ever leave nor forsake them i need the most diligent worker to follow the path and remain strong in faith and know the belief of god and country somebody this sentence is a fucking labyrinth it's somebody who's all one sentence somebody who's willing to drill bring back manufacturing and american jobs farm the lands secure our borders build our military fight the system all day right the system you would be this that's what got you impeached this the second time was

is biden anti-farming i've heard that i've heard he's i hate plants i'm joe biden what very pro-system that president of our united states and it concludes and finish a hard week's work by attending church on sunday and then his oldest son turns and says dad let's make america great again dad let's build back a country to be the envy of the world again. So God made Trump. Okay, so Trump. End of video. Trump is Jesus of Nazareth now.

Sure, yeah. Okay, well, you heard him, Jack Smith. Lots of great ideas for sentencing there. Yeah, a lot of stuff in there. Get in there. So yeah, a normal and chill thing for a presidential candidate to tweet out about himself. I'm just saying,

maybe play this video the next time your Republican uncle calls Joe Biden a tyrant for doing his job as president. There you go. Murdering all the plants. That's Biden's fault. Thanks, Biden.

And in come all ye faithful news tonight, we have a remarkably stupid controversy out of the Vatican to report on, and I'm just going to read the opening paragraph of the story from Religious News Services to lay it out in all its idiotic glory. Quote, the Vatican's new doctrine chief, who is already under fire from entire bishops' conferences for his approval of blessing for same-sex couples, is now raising eyebrows over a book he wrote as a young priest describing orgasms in graphic detail end quote really yes the guy whose job is among other things to decide the catholic

position on the human hood of gay people is in trouble for knowing how coming works wow knowing about butt stuff comes back to bite you in the ass. You hate to see it. Only in Catholicism. Now I'm picturing someone stretching out Heath's ass like they're a cartoon tying a balloon with their teeth and him planning to podcast about it. That's what I'm picturing. I'm wearing the boots in my head now. So I was already

picturing that. This is Cardinal Victor Manuel Fernandez and he's the boogeyman under the bed of Catholic conservatives the world over right now. So you can see why they're worried about him knowing so much about orgasms, I guess. He's Pope Francis Stern's theological ghostwriter, and he was given the job of the dicastry of the doctrine of the faith, whatever the fuck that means, with orders to shake things up a bit. He's the one behind the embarrassingly small bones the Vatican has been throwing towards LGBTQ people over the past year.

Well, because of those concessions, conservatives have been furiously digging dirt up on this guy, and that's how they found this long out of print book, which is called The Mystical Passion, Spirituality and Sensuality. I don't think that's how they found it. Somebody was like, why do I have this book of erotica written by a priest? Why am I holding it sideways? It's for opposition research.

Oppo research. Silence. Fold out. Centerfold research. For our younger listeners, the pornography was sometimes sideways. You had to turn the pornography. Sometimes it was on paper. It's a whole thing. You'd find it in the woods. So you would? So Fernandez says he wrote the book for young couples who wanted to better understand their relationships. But his critics point out that as a celibate priest, he shouldn't know so damn much about orgasms. He even describes female orgasms in the book, which even most non-celibate Catholic men don't know about. Okay, that book's part of the Apocrypha now, officially. Yeah, right there with

Thomas. And by the way, this isn't the only book he's under fire over. There was a controversy shortly after his appointment over a book he wrote on the art of kissing called, I swear I'm not making this up, Heal Me With Your Mouth. Come on. Okay.

A, gross. B, a book he wrote with no regards to the cooties he was exposing his flock to. The madness must stop. Circle, circle, dot, dot. Oh God, I wish I knew that in Latin. If only I knew circle, circle, dot, dot. I can do this. Come on. You guys podcast. I got this. Okay. All right. You're thinking circumcircum dotum dotum. That's what I'm working on right now. You may ask yourself, how could I possibly give a

fuck? And that's a great question. To be honest, I only bring it up because the very idea of the child rape cabals watchdogs freaking out because one of their guys wrote a book on consensual sex is like if this show's overall point collapsed into a fucking singularity.

And also I wanted to soften Heath and Eli up for the day that I inevitably asked them to do a group reading of Heal Me With Your Mouth the artist. Yes, next book. Can we just dig up and kiss C.S. Lewis's corpse and sort of have it done as one? It sounds so much more

pleasant than what we have planned. Also, it's Circulus Circulus Punctum Punctum, according to ChatGPT. Oh, that's perfect! That's very disappointing. Oh, that's perfect. I'm going to get Anna to write a song, and it's Circulus Circulus

Punctum Punctum Alright. Bored Italians singing along to it at Christmas. And in bandwidth edging news, if you look at the history of religion in the world, if you really dig, you might be able to find some,

you know, bad logic or silly tradition or centuries of coordinated bigotry and oppression and war and sexual abuse and standing in the way of human progress in general. And without a group of intrepid reporters on a podcast, it's easy to miss that stuff because you didn't really dig or you might just ignore it. But now religion is fucking with your porn. Thanks to religious lunatics in several state governments across the country, there's a long, obnoxious, privacy-violating process required to access adult content sites. And when those laws in Montana and North Carolina kicked in last week, Pornhub decided to just shut it all down and block those locations.

If this doesn't make you atheist, I don't know what will. Okay. At least one of our listeners just had to deal with the fact that fucking with their porn made them an activist when raping kids and torturing gay people didn't. And I feel like that person needs a minute. Yeah. Hey, that person, as someone whose intro to atheism was a Carl Sagan animation on Ebaum's World, I feel you and you're safe here. Okay. You're safe with one of the hosts of this podcast. And a big thanks to Jacqueline and Carrie for the links, scathingnewsgmail.com if you want to help out. So the problem stems from a growing movement among several state governments to ramp up age verification measures that gatekeep adult content in places like Mississippi, Arkansas, and Utah,

where honestly pleasure is already a very scarce commodity that often has to be imported from exotic locales in the outside secular world, users face additional checkpoints tied to government IDs to verify they're over 18. Some platforms even require facial recognition via webcam to access their content. And unless you're into that sort of thing, the privacy invasion kind of fucks up the mood. Lots of people are still going to do it, but you know, the vibes are weird at that point. And really it's all about the vibes, right? Yeah, right. No, look, Hey, I came here to violate myself. Damn it. Right. And I just want to be clear because I know there are secular people who approve of these safety measures. The objection isn't to stopping children from watching porn. But if you think the states that are enacting these laws aren't exactly the states that are going to start handing out gay and trans porn speeding tickets, you have not looked up this very slippery slope we've been sliding down for the last few decades, friend. Come on, join me here at the bottom.

It's sticky. Yeah. So with hefty fines and litigation dangling over the heads of content providers, one major player called ALO decided it's not worth the hassle and cut off access to two states. ALO is the parent company behind Pornhub, Brazzers, RedTube,

and a bunch of other advanced level sites that I'm going to call aspirational. And they've completely blocked access to IP addresses in Montana and North Carolina. Instead of porn, partially fluffed visitors are greeted with a bucket of cold water in the form of actress Sherry DeVille in disappointingly appropriate garb, explaining that ID checks are an invasion of privacy and do nothing to protect the children, which is true.

On top of the privacy issue and the risk of identity theft, this sort of policy ends up driving traffic to more dangerous places, like actual danger, not just the woods to find a playboy or like seeing boobies as a danger. That's so impressive because like not many industries can pull off the like,

we'll just not let you give us money, then power move. Right. And they can't. It's basically it's porn providers, doctors and gas companies in the winter that have this economic privilege. Right. And Marsh's house. Yeah, right. So in response to the new ID laws, Pornhub released a statement explaining that we already have a device-based system if religious parents want to censor the content for their kids and destroy the concept of joy entirely. So the ID checks are all downside is their point. And the invisible handjob of the market is already responding to. Searches for VPN in Montana and North Carolina have skyrocketed, presumably rivaling either state's most popular search terms on Pornhub. Those terms are BDSM and Bubble Butt, in case you were wondering. You know, it's the kind of thing where I didn't realize I was wondering it

until you told me what it was, and I was. Gentlemen, join me over here for a sidebar. Can we agree that bubble butt is a weird thing to search for when you want to see juicy asses? Like, don't get me wrong,

we stand a pack in behind, but it's like if you were into monster cocks and you called them gummy peepees. Like, I don't like the term.

The term bothers me. Okay. Fair. All right. Noted. Ill to die on. Eli Bosley. Tim, cut that out

for the quote this week. Do it in the black and white. Suggested quote. All right. And just a quick note for all the Christian right lawmakers doing this sort of thing.

We know you're listening. If your adolescent years happened in the 90s, probably true for a bunch of you, a whole bunch of your sexual development is based on the very slow edging process created by pornographic content getting delivered a few

pixels at a time using 53 hours of dial-up from a CD. And yes, that can be delightful. Believe me, believe me, I get it. But during that slow roll, we can't be doing extra tasks of manual dexterity like handling government ID cards, getting them out of our wallet, filling out forms. It's untenable. Yeah. Right?

If only getting fucked by your government came with a guarantee of completion. Alas. And in WrestleMania news tonight, as sacrosanct as we hold our First Amendment rights to be in this country, we do recognize that there are certain extenuating circumstances that might reasonably call for them to be temporarily abrogated. Perhaps we face a deadly pandemic, in which case the right

to freely assemble might be impinged for the sake of communal health. Perhaps we find ourselves in times of war, in which case the right of a free press might be curtailed for the sake of national security. Or perhaps, as was the case at the Southside High School and Rainbow Middle School in Etowah County, Alabama, you're feeling a little bit snacky, in which case the rights of students not to be directly proselytized to at school might be suspended for the sake of otherwise rumbly tummies, which was clearly the reasoning behind an offer those school's wrestling coaches sent out to local churches, giving them a chance to preach to the wrestling team in exchange for a few boxes of munchies.

Yeah, don't worry. We're going to drive up to the school in a marked van. It'll be totally cool and normal. Okay, sorry. I feel like I'm the pushback guy this week, but I mean, what kind of snacks are we talking about here? There is a price is what I'm saying. We'll get there.

We'll get there. You guys have been in so many vans marked in otherwise. I've been in so many. Unmolestable is my profile on molester.com. Okay. So yeah, so this real thing that actually happened came in the form of a letter that read in part, quote, We know our churches play a vital role in this community.

We are looking for some area churches to connect with our Southside wrestling team in a very tangible way. During our wrestling season, we supply our wrestlers with water and granola bars. Okay, granola bars? Sorry, I am out. Figured you would be. It continues, we are asking local churches to consider donating six cases of water and four

packs of 24 granola bars to help our team. The letter then goes on to explain that they're willing to take more if you have more, and that in a pinch, trail mix or uncrustables will also do the trick. But then it gets illegal it's back in yeah right we would like to give those churches who are able to donate a chance to speak into

the lives of the students on our team by sharing a short 15 minute devotional and then in case anybody thought they were only committing the one crime, they add, quote, we are very excited about this opportunity again this year. Again? We really enjoyed it last year. End quote. Greatly enjoyed the robbery I did. Thank you for continuing the ongoing bribe crime that we do. Yours in Christ co-conspirated.

It's like they're doing a sting operation on themselves and catching themselves. It's like, why am I dictating this letter into a wire that I'm wearing? This is so weird. Yeah. So I said all that too. I got to turn it off. So a couple of important takeaways here. First of all, we finally have a direct exchange rate between granola bars and minutes of unconstitutional proselytization. Good to know. It is 6.4 granola bars per minute, but that's to, quote, close to 50 wrestlers, end quote. So we'll call it 45. That works out to one granola bar per 7.03125 kid minutes. But secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, you'll notice that this letter clearly says churches and not a more collective term like religious institutions or houses of worship.

Because get this, turns out they weren't offering this same opportunity to nearby synagogues, mosques, satanic temples or atheist groups. No way. Which is so weird because we have so many granola bars. We do. Granola bars. I'm willing to go. Listen to me. I'm willing to go full chipotle catering for 15 minutes on why monogamy is sexual slavery for these wrestling middle schoolers okay now obviously they've been told to fucking stop it the ffrf sent them a fucking stop it letter

in which they pointed out that quote by explicitly inviting churches to proselytize to students the district displays clear favoritism for religion over non-religion and christianity above other faiths end quote but as obviously true a statement as that is right-wing media in alabama had no trouble finding state lawmakers willing to defend the blatantly unconstitutional offer you don't say yeah right republican state senator greg reed told a local right-wing outlet that our focus should be on praising Jesus and that that focus should, quote, not be interrupted by out-of-state groups trying to push faith out of our lives and the lives of our children, end quote. And by pushing, of course, he means standing still in defiance of their shove.

Yeah, exactly. These out-of-state Jews are trying to not push into our pushing. When will it end, is what I ask the pushing. I feel like they wouldn't be cool about in-state Jews in Alabama. I feel like that's not what they're doing.

That's on their flag, actually. You got to watch for it. So, yeah, it's hard to imagine how offering the profession most heavily associated with child molestation unhindered access to a group of junior high age wrestlers for a set price could go wrong. But even if it goes right, super duper illegal Christian nationalist bullshit, regardless of fucking which state the FFRF is headquartered in. But if that's how we're doing things, that's how we're doing things. I'm five hours away from Etowah and I have access to a fuck ton of Uncrustables.

You never told me you had Uncrustables, Noah. Well, it's because I was saving them in case I needed them for a situation like this, Eli. Okay. Well, objection removed. Eli carries like a bandolier of those things through the airport whenever he travels. I do. it's true I buy

I buy so many that they do that like tilt behind you to see like a hungry bus of children I'm like nope just me just keep beeping them please or push a button go get the new box I don't see this isn't hard

Hudson news and in UFO no you Didn't News, a lot of things from the 1970s are having a renaissance in the last couple of years. Bell bottoms. Don't say it like that. Racism.

I laughed because my spite desire to say renaissance again took over the word racism. I was like, renaissance. Bellbottom. Don't say charade. Racism.

And of course, alien invasion charades. God damn it. After a year where Congress held official hearings on what Mitch's buddy done told me, it was inevitable for the stupid panic to yield yet another stupid panic. And last week, we got another example as a clip of what was alleged to be a 10-foot alien invading a Miami mall went viral on Twitter.

Y'all, the aliens aren't doing recon in a place that's going to be part of the ocean in like a year. Just think it through. That doesn't even make sense. Right? Plus, if you wanted the aliens to think earthlings aren't worth coming back for, let them start in Florida. Jesus, that's where we want that. That's perfect.

It's useful. Now, the clip, which I honestly had to watch like half a dozen times just to understand what it's supposed to be, has garnered just over 6.9 million views at this point and it allegedly shows a large smoky alien figure plodding its way along the wall of the mall but it just very clearly three dudes walking in a line like when i checked this morning twitter had added a hey this is just three dudes walking together thing to the bottom of the clip, along with a video from the different angle. But that didn't stop conspiracy theorist nutbags from accusing all involved of a cover up.

Right. Including the Miami Police Department. Now, in fairness, the Miami Police Department, they'd get a call from a literal 10 foot alien about like a Cuban family having a barbecue and they'd show up and be taking the aliens official complaint very seriously, being super nice about it. thing happened. You just look at this video, you remind yourself that millions of Americans saw this and thought it was an alien. And then you just remember not to have hope anymore in the first place and you just give in. Right, exactly. Light up that ball. So, you're probably wondering though, because if you've seen this clip, you're probably wondering

what did happen? Well, something far more fittingly Floridian than a close encounter of the Disney kind. It was a giant brawl with the cops where someone threw fireworks. Yes. Oh, Florida. Yes.

Yeah, that's right. Those fireworks were mistaken for gunshots because this is America, which is why there are so many cop cars and why the scene was generally filled with panic. Four people have been arrested since the incident. And since a little boy hasn't smuggled any of them to freedom in his bike basket, we can assume the culprits are all human. But human? I don't think Floridians deserve a presumption of humanity here, but okay. All right. Whatever you say. Regardless of the reality of the situation, it's nice to know that even in the age of instant news, cameras on every phone, and information that can be fact-checked at the

speed of being there, bullshit can still spread. Do you smell that gentlemen? Because it smells like job security. Well, I guess we need a minute to soak in that terrifying assurance, so we should probably close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Do manji. And when we come

back, we'll finally learn what the CS stands for. Oh, um... Hey, we'll finally learn what the CS stands for. Oh, um. Hey, Heath, what's the matter? Yeah, you seem blue. I don't know. A case of the Januaries, I guess. The holidays are over and the weather is so gloomy now. I guess I just don't feel like I have something to look forward to, you know? Well, have you thought about buying a ticket to see Godawful Movies live in Orlando, Florida on March 2nd? Godawful Movies live in Orlando, March 2nd? What's that?

It's our podcast, but live and on stage with all the visible shenanigans you never knew you were missing. Plus, we'll be reviewing an anti-Disney documentary made by the Catholic League. Does it have Bill Donahue? You bet your ass it has Bill Donahue. All right, all right, I'm sold.

Where do I get my tickets? GodawfulMoviesLive.com GodawfulMoviesLive.com? GodawfulMoviesLive.com Godawful Movies Live on March 2nd in Orlando, Florida. If you miss it, Bill Donahue wins. From the earliest days of this podcast, one of the roles that we've tried to fill for our listeners is that of masochistic bibliophile. This started when we committed to read the Bible

together on episode 9, but though I'd have doubted as much if you told me at the time, that eventually came to an end. And then we had a monthly say segment to fill, so we went on to read the Quran, the Book of Mormon, Lee Strobel's The Case for Christ, and most recently, David Icke's Everything You Need to Know,

But Have Never Been Told. Okay, we needed to be told, don't read this book in the title. Come on. I mean, I guess David Icke was assuming somebody would have told us that, which is a fair assumption, but still. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, now I feel like we just underestimated how committed he was to the word everything.

You know, I really didn't take that seriously enough. Well, it's time to set out once again on that path of literary self-harm. Now, we've received a number of suggestions as to which book to do next. Dianetics, the Urantia book, the Bhagavad Gita. But those books are all really long and fuck you. Why would you even try to put us through that? So what we're going to do, we're going to go a little easier on ourselves than that

with C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity. So in preparation for this, I went ahead and purchased myself a physical copy of the book. I could only find it coupled with shrewd tape letters in a single volume. So I have that now too. And I figured I could use that as a threat to Eli in case he goes too far off topic at any point. I got my copy from an Anglican church in Australia from their website. They seem like really big fans of this work.

Also, I got it from something called Course Hero because I tried to go to Spark Notes and Spark Notes was like, no, gross. What?

No, thank you. Absolutely not. And I stole mine online because I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my God awful movies piracy streak

to the guy who wrote Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Okay. All right. I should say I also went ahead and bought a mere Christianity study guide, which to much of my disappointment, didn't have quizzes or essay questions or anything that I could give to you guys, but I'm sure I'll find some use for it. Yeah. How many ply is it? That's a great question. Actually, I don't care what the answer is. Cool. So for those unfamiliar, Mere Christianity is the most famous work of Christian apologetics by Clive Staples Lewis,

or C.S. Lewis. C.S. Lewis is a good choice, buddy. It's not Q-us, Sue-us Lewis? Nope. Jolkin, Rolkin, Rolkin, Tolkien? Yeah. That's disappointing. So yeah, so C.S. Lewis,

of course he's better known as the author of The Chronicles of Narnia, and apparently the book was an expansion on a series of radio Q&As that he gave during World War II. Because I guess God had an awful lot to answer for in that particular moment. Yeah, imagine your home being under constant

threat of fiery explosion and every time a bell drags you out of sleep or work or school to the relative safety of a shelter while you fear for your life, the guy in charge of ringing that bell is like. So I guess I know that stealing is bad is probably why Jesus Christ was born of a virgin. Yeah, right. It was like that. We're not going to get into any of the actual arguments this week. We're just going to deal with the front matter, which begins with the preface.

He starts off by talking about the chain of custody of this knowledge and how the book came to be. It started off as the radio talks, like we said, and then it was published in three different little tiny books, and now it's one big book. It's funny because what he's saying is, look, I've milked this same material twice already

and now I'm selling it to you again. But he does so with the expectation of a thank you and he's like, and you're welcome. We might as well have auto ads mid-sentence in the text of this thing. Not if he doesn't want to be sued by Daddy Issues LLC. He doesn't.

I'll tell you that right now. He points out that since this was written to be said on radio, it's not as literary as it otherwise could be. I'm actually way more literary than my literature suggests.

Right. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I would join in on the fun, but I'm pretty sure I used this exact same disclaimer at the beginning of Diatribes Volume 1.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, this is like Noah's Diatribes disclaimer, but without the talent or the things to talk about. Thank you. I think he explains how it was written with a conversational tone. And then he says, quote, I am now inclined to think that was a mistake, an undesirable hybrid between the art of speaking and the art of writing.

End quote. So not instilling us with a ton of confidence right out of the gate he says almost exact words this was originally a radio segment and i spoke like a human because nobody wants to hear you just read an essay but then he's like don't worry now it's double translated back into writing like somebody reading you a vcr manual on the radio as a text about religion enjoy yeah god oh this sucks i'm sorry guys i don't know why i began so many of these with was it was popular at the time no there's there's a very like if you think this book is bad now you should have seen how bad it was before i took out the contractions vibe to this he tries to sell the new version by saying he expanded out

the spoken contractions so the new version has the full did not and he got rid of the spoken italics and made literary italics instead sorry sorry spoken italics versus

literary italics it must have sounded insane before i clarified what i meant by that yeah he fixed that and he makes a big deal about it right here somewhere between it sure would upset grandma if jesus wasn't real and i feel it in my heart and you're mean if i say i don't i realized that i was embarrassing myself with all these apostrophes so it's all good now everybody so yeah but then he's like also i'm not gonna step into any of that catholic v protestant bullshit that's y'all shit right he says he's gonna stick to beliefs common to all christians at all times really so nothing this was gonna be nothing yeah and he says the differences between the different types of christianity are a matter of ecclesiastical history which is only for the

experts so i'm gonna stick to the magical thinking field in which i am an expert yeah that's almost exactly what he says translation i'm a fiction writer here's my expert book on epistemology that's what we're about to read and he puts it like he's being all humble right oh a simple farmer like me don't want a middle in the highfalutin world of theology so i'll just be sticking to the eternal truth of the universe which i know thank you yep oh he even says he's like straight up he's like you know talking about all this interdenominational shit is going to scare away the atheists. Yeah. No.

See, yes. Good read. As your neighbors huddled around praying that their children would survive another bombing, it was the disagreement on the Eucharist that was rattling their face. I'm glad you can see that. Wow. This whole Nazi thing is rough. This is bad. Do you guys think Santa Claus should have punched that guy in the face

at the Council of Nicaea? That matters to your praying, right? So yeah, but he assures us that just because he doesn't mention it in the book, he does know that everybody but Episcopalians are going to go to hell. He's like an Italian mom trying to keep

peace at Christmas. We're going to sit down and have a nice apologetics book, and we're not going to talk about your sister's abortion. Okay? A nice family apologetics book. That's all I want. I'm dating a person of color. He's right here.

He's like, do you want to freak out the Catholics? Because talking about the Virgin Mary, that's how you freak out the Catholics. Yes. I cannot emphasize enough that this is the actual order of his statements. I don't want to get into anything controversial, but some people say Catholics are idol-worshipping olive suckers. I'm done with this part of the book. I am.

Yes. Let's keep it non-controversial. God impregnated a child with photon cum. That is common ground. We can all agree on. Let's just leave it at that. We're not scientists here. We'll just leave it at the photon cum.

Well, he even says he had his work checked by representatives of all the Christianities, and he lists them. Anglican, Methodist, Presbyterian, and Roman Catholic. Also, I have a Jewish friend. I don't know why I said that. Just in case you're wondering. And by the way, he says, he's like, even in that list, I alphabetized him.

I didn't rank him in order, even though he's Anglican and he used Roman Catholic instead of Catholic so that they wouldn't be second. But his overall point seems to be, but mostly we're united, which is severely undercut by him feeling the need to proceed. It was several pages about why he's not talking about all the shit.

They aren't united. Yeah. This entire section is him describing how Catholics and Protestants do like war crimes about the recipe for crackers. And then he's like, yeah. So anyway, I wrote a book about why all the other religions are wrong, but we're all together on our Jesus thing. Well, then he explains why he doesn't talk about all the types of sin in the parts where he talks about morals, right? He's like,

well, you know, I don't talk about birth control because I'm not a lady, and I'm like, oh, I'm here for this, he says, or a married man, and I'm like, oh, well, now you should probably shut up. Yeah, yeah. In my version, the list of people he does think should be in the birth control discussion includes pastors.

So he's not all the way in shut the fuck up, Phil, which is where I want him to be. Yeah. If you do all the sins, you're going to look pretty stupid because that's a lot of dumb stuff. He's just like, yeah, so there's, I mean, there's a part in the book

about the sin of polyester. There's three separate mentions about not boiling babies in their mother's breast milk. I'm going to look like an idiot if I don't skip a bunch of this book, just so everybody knows I'm going to cherry pick the shit out of this right now. Then he deals with the all important who the fuck are you to decide who is and isn't a real Christian question. And he doesn't deal with it well. No, right. Look, it's a solid objection at this point, right? Because he's like,

I'm here to do some bullshit apologetics about who is and isn't a Scotsman. And people are like, okay, cool. Can we be vague too? And he's like, no, only me. I'll be muddling the definition of words around here. Right, right. Yeah, no, he compares the use of the term Christian

to the use of the word gentleman. His point seems to be that he's not using Christian as a value judgment, Right. Yeah. He compares the use of the term Christian to the use of the word gentleman. His point seems to be that he's not using Christian as a value judgment, just as a means of excluding foreign people. Yeah. Yeah. Christian doesn't mean good or bad. Its dictionary definition is people who agree with C.S. Lewis. Right. Also, I'm saying they're good with international banking and controlling the media. That's positive. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

They're good at international banking and controlling the media that's positive yeah right yeah they're good at that tunnels there's also a fun moment where he's like look if by christian we mean person who lives up to our stated principles of christianity none of us are ever gonna get in we're all liars look we all farted in the elevator i think that guy right there took a full shit here in this elevator everybody just be cool and don't let little nas x into the building that's what we all do you guys want a bird box this is how we get he also points out that he's not trying to start his own form of christianity which is apparently the kind of warning you have to give people in the schism fest that is christianity he assures us that god probably has a good reason for splitting true believers into a bunch of contradictory, mutually exclusive, murderous groups. But he just doesn't know what it is.

Mysterious ways. Right. And that's the end of the preface. Then in my edition, at least, we switch to the voice of Kathleen Norris for a short forward. Her starting point is how brave it was for C.S. Lewis to talk about Jesus on the radio during World War II. Of all the things anybody was doing during World War II, probably the bravest of all of them, obviously. Sure, absolutely. Apparently, he was giving sermons to the Royal Air Force starting in 1942. So here's the thing. If I got shot down by Nazis and broke my legs,

and some guy who wrote a book about centaurs was telling me that God has a plan, I would have left both crutches inside that guy and crawled away from that meeting. But that's not the bravery that Kathleen Norris was talking about. No, no, no. It's weird, though, that as recently as 1942, England would just be like, hey, come on the radio and talk about how like that one religion that we all are. I mean, to be fair, since Henry VIII, he had to like step out and be like, hey, guys, God is fake. I want to marry a lady. Yeah, right. They haven't really been able to admit the atheism thing to themselves since they had the first QED.

So, yeah, I understand. to themselves since they had the first QED. So yeah, I understand. So yeah, but she points out the contrast of a radio that's bringing you war news one day and Christian propaganda the next day. And I'm like, yeah, that second one is offensive. She says his imagery is still

relevant today. And I checked this board was not written in 1422. So I feel like no. Hey, CS QS, Sue us., whatever your name is, the White Witch is Christianity. Hate to break it to you, you did it backwards. Right.

She accidentally says that he used as much imagination in this book as he did in Chronicles of Narnia, and I agree. I mean that as an insult to both books in a way that she doesn't. Exactly, yeah. In Chronicles of Narnia, he lied to us about how good Turkish delight is. Right. And in this one, he lies

about how cool God is. They're equally harmful lies. I've never gotten over that. Old people talking nostalgically about old-timey candy is a fucking nightmare. Every single time. It's like Tom describing his childhood. It's so

rough. And then we'd chew on a stick of anise and it would poke into your cheek a lot but it had a good deal of flavor like licorice without the sweet. Can you hear you? Can you hear you when you say that? So, and by the way, this is where

we get our first he was a former atheist claim. Page 19 of my book is where that shows up. She also, she says Cs lewis wrote this book because christianity needed to be dusted off and made relevant for the next generation and i'm like how could how could that ever be necessary if it was really the fundamental truth about human salvation yeah okay at the most generous what you're saying is that children's book author C.S. Lewis is capable of something that the word of God is not. Yes.

Oh man, that he gets us ad campaign is the C.S. Lewis of today. That's so sad. Oh God. For everybody involved. Yes, and not involved. It's just sad. Look, he's a refugee skateboarder. Squinting in an L.

Jesus. Fuck you. I'm going to read a book that's basically that now. Great. Yeah, right. Yeah, she closes her forward by reminding us that all of our suffering was part of God's plan, so we should actually probably thank him for it, if we think about it. Yeah, she's read past the second Narnia book as well.

Alright, well, that gets us through to chapter one and we're going to leave it there for the moment. But this segment will be back next month with even more of Mere Christianity. Before we tighten the lug nuts on this episode, I want to remind you that if you ever want to share just a diatribe or just a twim or some other segment of the show with somebody, we have most of the segments available on our YouTube channel. They usually go up within a couple of days of the episode releasing. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't call myself the host until I thank Heath Enright for shooting the breeze, Eli Bosnick for shooting the shit, and Lucinda Lusions for shooting the bullets. I also want to thank Rich for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

That's Rich Rawl, R-A-W-L on Instagram, if you want to see his bender cosplay, of which he is very proud. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Stubby Mike, Christopher, Tanya, Joseph, and Christian. Stubby Mike and Christopher are so bright LED lights complain about them Christopher, Tanya, Joseph, and Christian. Stubby Mike and Christopher are so bright LED lights complain about them, and Tanya, Joseph, and Christian

are so hot they wear fire armor to protect the lava. Together, these six securely succulent secularists succeeded in succumbing to our sacrilegious sucker this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the supreme sense of self-worth it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com

slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingalias.com and if you'd like to help but you're devoting all your money to buy and buy at the family farm you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review telling a friend about the show and following us on social media and speaking of social media tim rapperson handles that for us additional writing for this episode was provided by mike schuster and andrea romano and our audio engineer is mor Morgan Kark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all

the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com The celibacy requirements and not just... Sorry. We're in Malta, baby. I've peaked. I fucking did it. We made it. I don't think I've made Noah laugh this hard in years. Yeah, no, that's the podcasting equivalent of an applause break, Eli.

Yep.