The Scathing Atheist - 572: Dry Aged Roast Edition

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

In this week’s episode, God tells his followers not to use his name in vain in vain, Religion ruins the trustworthy reputation of cryptocurrency, and speaking of ruined reputations, Tom and Cecil will be here. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance: https://www.dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Colorado Christian pastor and wife sued over alleged cryptocurrency fraud scheme: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/christian-pastor-and-wife-sued-over https://www.cnn.com/2024/01/24/us/colorado-pastor-crypto-fraud-cec/index.html Controversial Oklahoma Senator Dusty Deevers proposes ban on porn and sexual content: https://www.perthnow.com.au/lifestyle/controversial-oklahoma-senator-dusty-deevers-proposes-ban-on-porn-and-sexual-content-in-radical-new-law-c-13351567 Christians freak out after kid disciplined for saying “Jesus Christ” https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-mississippi-school-rightly-reprimanded "God's Army" trucker convoy heading to southern border on "biblical" anti-migrant crusade: https://www.vice.com/en/article/5d9adk/trucker-convoy-eagle-pass-texas-border-dispute-christian-nationalism And they lose to their own paranoid conspiracy theories: https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxjygb/trucker-convoy-texas-border-standoff-conspiracy-theories-dooming-protest

Warning, regardless of what spellcheck might lead you to believe, we are not talking about ducks. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by MySheetsRock, Adam and Eve, HelloFresh, and by the new language aid for religious people, UnoLingo. UnoLingo, is it that you don't know what the words you're using mean? Is that why you think your religion makes sense? Talk to us. We have a dictionary and everything.

We'll let you know. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Happy Thursday, you wonderful people. My name is Nate, and I am in the process of learning that gender is a performance, and I am a terrible actor. So in that spirit, I'd like to remind you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey guys, gals, and non-binary pals. It's Thursday. It's February 1st. And it's National Change Your Password Day. Cool, yeah.

A holiday we celebrate every time Eli's in charge of picking a password for anything in the company. Yep, I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from John Stewart's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, password 123 is apparently not a good fit. Religion ruins the trustworthy reputation of cryptocurrency. And speaking of ruined reputations, Tom and Cecil will be here.

But first, the diatribe. I spent a big chunk of the past week thinking about the interview we did on last week's episode. Now, for those of you who missed the last show, I talked with Carrie Black, who co-wrote a children's book about grieving, and a big theme of the interview, of course, was how bad we are as a culture when it comes to talking about death. The end result of that, as Kerry pointed out, is that we're very often trying to learn about the process of grieving for the first time while we're grieving, which is a terrible time to try to learn new shit. And, of course, you don't have to chew on this thought for very long before you find your culprit.

Right. Because we're bad at talking about all kinds of shit as individuals. We're bad at talking about math. But that's mitigated somewhat by the fact that we just pay some other person to tell our children about math so that we don't have to remember how to divide fractions. Same with almost all the other shit that our kids need to know about. Divide fractions. Same with almost all the other shit that our kids need to know about. But as useful as it would be, don't expect your local school boards to adopt a mandatory unit on grieving anytime soon. How would you do that? How could you possibly lead a group of random kids through a discussion on grieving without offending somebody's religious beliefs?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that schools do talk about grieving right sometimes a kid in your class dies and you have no choice you're forced to talk about it and I wouldn't be all that shocked to learn that some school in one of the nation's more progressive enclaves actually does teach kids about grieving as a standard thing but even to the extent that we do we've got to tiptoe

around all this religious bullshit the whole time and all the most important shit to understand the bits about the finality of death that make it so uniquely difficult to cope with are undercut already by the religious upbringing of any kid unfortunate enough to grow up being told fairy tales about heaven. This isn't an incidental problem, of course, right? You ask religious leaders and religious people and they'll say that grieving is in their magisteria. Religious leaders don't just fuck up the conversation about death. They jealously guard that conversation. And our society has, by and large, ceded it to them,

right? According to our dominant culture, it's the priest, the pastor, and the rabbi's job to teach kids about death. And it's the counselor and the psychologist's job to deal with the fact that they failed. And maybe somebody out there wants to try to rescue religion from this because of the uniquely difficult nature of the subject. Come on, Noah, you can't give religion too much shit here. This is a really hard conversation to have. And anybody who tried to shoulder that burden would do a bad job. At least they're stepping in. But I'd submit that the problem isn't the conversation. It's who's talking. This is true. After all, every time religion tries to elbow their way into any conversation, right? Set death aside. What's the other field of childhood education that the church tries to lay

claim to most? Sex, right? And set death aside, where does our culture most fail our children in terms of probably educating them? Exactly. I mean, it should come as a surprise to precisely nobody that our cultural ability to talk about a subject is hampered by an organized effort to lie about that subject, especially when there are multiple organizations all lying in different directions. But we have to point it out here when we're cataloging the expansive list of ways that religion harms our society. They make the difficult subjects all that much more difficult. And this is particularly noteworthy since one of the main defenses given for religion is that it's supposed to help people cope with death.

No, the fuck it doesn't. You know what helps people cope with death talking honestly about death with them and anything that stands in the way of that can't possibly claim to be helping joining me for headlines tonight are the cool and the and the to my gang heathenwright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to get down on it okay genuinely i really don't want to dance but i'm still on board i guess okay look i mean it's dance or hollywood swing heath and we don't know any famous people who want to fuck us so you better figure out something quick that's all i'm saying all right well while he does that we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, MySheetsRock. Heath Enright.

Wake up, my boy. Where am I? Who are you? I'm Walt Disney, of course. And you've been cryogenically unfrozen in the year 4,000. Cryogenically unfrozen? I wasn't cryogenically frozen, though. Oh, sure you were.

See, you were a warm sleeper, and in order to keep cool, you accidentally encased your body in an icy sleep for 2,000 years. Ah, man. I knew I should have gotten the regulator sheets from MySheetsRock. What are the regulator sheets from MySheetsRock? MySheetsRock created the regulator sheets, which are designed specifically to keep hot sleepers cool and cold sleepers comfortable. They regulate temperature, wick moisture, stay breathable, and are so soft,

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Noah, what are you doing here? Doing here? Everyone has a hollow Noah in the year 4,000. It's true. They do. My sheets rock sent us a set to try when they became a sponsor. They were so cool and comfortable that I bought two extra sets.

Yeah. You know, back, back when I had a body, had a body. Sure. But these sheets must've been impossible to get. And what if I don two extra sets. You know, back when I had a body. Had a body, sure. But these sheets must have been impossible to get. And what if I don't believe you? Don't believe me?

Their five-star customer reviews speak for themselves. Plus, they offer a 90-day risk-free trial and free shipping and returns. Check out MySheetsRock at mysheetsrock.com slash scathing. And enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's my sheets rock dot com slash scathing code scathing. All right, then, kid. Welcome to the future. All right.

Thanks, Mr. Disney. Oh, and before you get too excited, there's still a bunch. Yeah, I figured. Thank you, Walt. Thank you. And now back to the headlines in our lead tonight, in Tales from the Crypto News, thanks to Colorado pastor Eli Regaldo and his wife, Caitlin. No relation.

Yep, that's not how names work. So thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Regaldo, we learned about a very insidious version of fraud that was getting people to waste their money on made up nonsense. Cryptocurrency. And it was really horny in the action for religion, and that's not cool. So the Regaldos decided to combine the two scams into fucking fraud Voltron, and they started selling their own version of Bitcoin. But they're both idiots and everything they did was super illegal.

And unlike religion, cryptocurrency still has a few laws about it. So now they're being sued over their multi-million dollar illegal crypto scheme. They did crypto illegally. Do you know how hard you have to break the law to do made up math money illegally? It's so hard.

No, it's like when you see that the health department shut down a Taco Bell and you're like, really? Alright, and a big thanks to Anthony for the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com if you want to help out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Heath, you're telling me that not only can folks send us the latest atheism news

to scathingnews at gmail.com, but if they do, me undies will measure their genitals in their sleep to allow a fit that many are calling supernaturally predicted. Please don't bring the sponsors into this, although that does sound like a great product if they did that. So it all started in 2022 when Pastor Regaldo got a divine message from above. No relation. The God of the universe told him, you got to get into crypto, brah. It's the next big thing. That's what God said to him.

So the Regaldos launched their own altcoin called IndexCoin and set up their own crypto exchange. Normally, that would mean a good deal of like coding and regulatory paperwork. But for them, it was apparently drawing a coin on MS Paint and saving a bunch of copies and then making a promotional video for their parishioners at Victorious Grace, their online only church and other Christian communities in the area. And they raised over $3.2 million from over 300 investors.

Okay, y'all gotta step it up during Matreon this year. Look, we appreciate you and everything, but the religious are making us look like chumps over here, okay? Right. Chumps. I mean, even if one of you could be gullible to the tune of $10,000 plus per person, I'll be okay with that. tune of $10,000 plus per person. I'll be okay with that. So in addition to selling the coin made of nothing listed exclusively on the exchange that trades nothing, they also just made up numbers for the value. They sold the coins for $1.50 and they told investors that

each coin was worth at least $10 and claimed there were 30 million coins in circulation. And to be clear, even the word circulation was a lie there. Those numbers, by the way, would mean the Regaldos had $300 million backing the coins. Right. Investigators found 30,000. And on top of the fraudulent claims, the Regaldos also just straight up stole a bunch of money. The lawsuit explains how they took about $1.3 million and used it to buy a Range Rover, buy jewelry, buy cosmetic dentistry, lavish vacations, and home improvements. That $1.3 million also included $290,000 that went straight to the bank account of their church. Again,

their online-only church. Ah, you hate to see it. We'd like to apologize that the one for you, two for me turned out not to be an appropriate alternative to TurboTax. And in textual relations news, as the great philosopher Plato once said, democracy is a bad idea because sometimes

stupid people elect themselves. Now, I may be paraphrasing slightly, and I may not know if Plato actually said that, but that doesn't make it any less true. I feel like it does. Kind of by definition. But, but whether or not my attribution is accurate, the sentiment certainly is. As an Oklahoma state senator is introducing a bill this week that would not only make watching porn a felony but ban sexting between unmarried couples oh well

and people aren't allowed to have bigger biceps than me anymore and whereas it was cold that day it was in my In my house. It was cold. Exactly. So, first off, big thanks to our favorite listener, April Poff, as well as a bunch of other people who sent us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. If you send us news at scathingnews at gmail.com, you could bask in being in the same inbox

as April Poff, knowing that your email is nestled against hers like peeps in a package at Easter. How dare you compare April to a peep? Peeps are delicious. I am not having this fight on air, no illusions. Not on air. You're canceled. Anyway, the state senator in question is Dusty

Devers, who despite his name and appearance, is not the first bad guy you kill in the 1994 LaserDisc classic Fast Draw Showdown. Yeah, and his name is not the same as Ben Shapiro's OnlyFans page, but he does rhyme with Ben Shapiro's name.

He sure does. Now, regular listeners to our podcast might remember Deavers for saying women who get abortions should be jailed for murder and wanting to bring back quote, at-fault divorce laws. But apparently the good idea train has just kept on a chugging including the bill i mentioned at the top which would ban the

consumption and production of content that quote lacks serious literary artistic educational political or scientific purposes or value in any medium okay so along with porn, we lose Fox News, Breitbart, OAN, etc. There is a deal to be made here. Okay, we might not even lose porn. Porn has very significant scientific value to me. No, that's fair. We don't have to compromise. Also, I

could rub one out to the artsy stuff if I have to. I've had to. Sure, yeah. Up in the 80s. Put some Enya in the background. Exactly. So as I mentioned at the top, the bill also includes a ban on sexting between two individuals who are not married with violators facing up to a year in jail

or a $2,000 fine. But my favorite part of this bill, if I'm interpreting it correctly, is that the bill also allows people to sue other people for up to $10,000 if you think they have violated this law. Your Honor, I'd submit

that she could not possibly need him to bring her home an actual great big sausage that many times in a single month. Okay, I can't tell you how many times it said, I want to smash, and I brought over Smash Brothers, because obviously, but

I feel like a lawsuit is a bit much for that misunderstanding. Kind of my fault. Sure, sure. Yeah, and that's on me, too. That's on me, too. So yeah, the bill, of course, thank you. The bill, of course, has no fucking shot in the state senate, even in Oklahoma, but, you know,

the fact that it was introduced by an adult who will continue to have a driver's license let alone a vote in the state senate is fucking terrifying yeah right so like how do you see somebody on your side doing shit like this and not have a what have i become moment sure yeah real johnny cash check-in at that point one last thing about this story that I just have to point out. The source that I was sent for this story, PerthNow.com, points out that the most searched term on Pornhub for the state of Oklahoma is sex dick. What?

And that is very obviously a cry for help and information more than anything else. So, I mean, if anything, Oklahoma desperately needs more porn, not less. Am I right? So, you know, if anyone from the Oklahoma State Senate is listening, get on that.

Maybe a quick overview of the anatomy instead of the Pledge of Allegiance to start the day. I'm just saying, get on it. Okay, get on it. I checked on that. Sex dick is the term

searched most often in Oklahoma compared to all the other states. So it's a little different, but that's still crazy. Yeah. But it could just easily be one guy who searched for like sex, dick, fucking I masturbate now,

please do. All right. So while we get on the horn with Oklahoma's legislature, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our second sponsor this week, Adam and Eve. And then this bottle goes right here. Perfect. Nice. Hey, Heath.

Do you have a second? Yeah, we wanted to talk to you. Oh, yeah. Sure, guys. I was just arranging my scotch collection. Heath, that's three bottles. Yeah, but they're like arranged now you know so sure collection sure look it's your first valentine's day as an engaged man and eli and i just want to make sure you uh come through appropriately exactly yeah oh yeah i guess

valentine's day is coming up so uh what do you guys think? Flowers? Maybe a nice dinner? Well, see, that's what we're here to talk to you about. That stuff's great when you're just dating, but I feel like now Anne is going to expect a little more. Much more. Really? Yeah, much more, actually. Like what?

You've got to cram the biggest dildo you can find up your butt. I do? What? You do, yeah. No, flowers and chocolates say I like you, but cramming a giant dildo up your butt. I do? What? You do. Yeah. No, flowers and chocolates say I like you, but cramming a giant dildo up your butt, that says I love you.

I mean, I don't even know where to find a giant dildo. Sure you do. AdamandEve.com. That's right. Adam and Eve is an LGBTQ affirming

and sex positive sex shop for all your Valentine's needs. Whether it's something special for a romantic night in or in your case, the largest dildo that you can possibly find right up your butt. sex-positive sex shop for all your Valentine's needs. Whether it's something special for a romantic night in, or in your case, the largest dildo that you can possibly find right up your butt. And check this out. When you go to adamandeve.com and select almost any one item,

you'll get it at 50% off. Almost any item. Yeah, and you'll need that because those super large dildos, that can get a little pricey, right? But that's not all. When you select your one item, you'll also get free shipping. So head on over to adamandeve.com and be sure to use offer code SCATHING. Again, that's S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G, SCATHING. That's SCATHING at adamandeve.com. Have a happy Valentine's Day. All right. Thanks, guys. I'm going to go downstairs and start shopping right now. You do that, buddy. You think he's actually going to do it?

Oh, I think he's going gonna end up in the hospital for sure Yeah, for sure I love you, Ann It's a nice thing for Ann on the show Yeah, no, I'm sure she'll love this I'll keep her Morgan And we're back

Next up in headlines In blasphemy 2 news tonight You can forgive us for thinking we'd reached peak nonsense Christian persecution fetish bullshit when being stupid in a red hat pioneer Josh Fierstein accused Starbucks of persecution for using solid red cups in December. But we didn't think that because the founding rule of this company is to never overestimate Christians. We didn't think that for a fucking second. We knew the whole time that something dumber was always on the horizon

and we may finally have found it in the form of Christians losing their shit because a school kid in Mississippi got written up for yelling Jesus Christ after he dropped his Legos. As in, they're pretending that he got in trouble for uttering the forbidden phrase

Jesus Christ. Okay, but that is an offensive phrase to yell in school when 99.9 percent of people yell jesus christ in a frustrated voice they literally mean fuck that's what that's what language is yep so now a school has to explain to an entire town of Christians how mouth noises work, like vis-a-vis ears and brain faces. And they've tried to explain this to their weird town. Also, your guy has a whole 10 item thing about not taking his name in vain. He kicked rape off the list so that he could tell you not to take his name in vain. He really doesn't like it when you take his name in vain. No, I feel like Christians are very familiar

with the difference between using one's name and using one's name in vain. Given their prescribed punishments for ignorance, a lot rides on them knowing that. Yeah, but that didn't stop them from this nonsense interpretation. So the write-up, which the kid's mom posted on Facebook in an effort to stir up bullshit in the first place,

reads, quote, he said, the kid, said, Jesus Christ, when he dropped the Legos, he was cleaning up from recess, end quote. It's a seven-year-old kid. No doubt, he got all angry and he yelled and the teacher felt the need to take him aside and talk to him and call his mom about it.

And as loathe as I am to side with the rule against blasphemy, that sounds like a teacher doing their fucking job to me. Yeah. Right? But that patently obvious interpretation was undercut by mom's caption, which read, quote, Please pray for the schools. My son just got this from school for saying Jesus Christ,

prayer hands emoji, end quote. And as if to emphasize the fact that she's no stranger to not knowing what the hell is going on she added a floating hashtag after the prayer who's the hashtag blank here's the thing if you want to get all the extra visibility you got to do hashtag hashtag obviously it's a Right. So yeah, it takes a pretty healthy dollop of willful blindness to imagine that the big problem with elementary schools in Mississippi that enforce blasphemy

rules with write-ups is that they're insufficiently Christian. I mean, I'm on the teacher's side here and all, but it's hard for me to imagine the kid getting written up for taking Buddha's name in vain. But one way or the other, Christian idiots are terrified of their own shadows again, which would only be funny if it weren't for the fact that they always shoot at the things that scare them yeah and finally tonight in paranoid clandroid news we have a story about a

group of radical christian terrorists and how their stupid plan is currently collapsing under the weight of their own paranoid conspiracy theories. The domestic terrorists are calling themselves the Army of God, and they organized a trucker convoy heading for the southern border in order to carry out a biblical anti-migrant crusade and basically serve as human razor wire, you know, just like God intended. Yeah, it's like the first civil war, but if the slaves the South were fighting to keep hadn't actually existed, that's what it's like.

Right, yeah, yeah. All right, and a big thanks to Brian for the link. Scathingnewsgmail.com, very helpful. Tuck it. So the army of God is calling their operation the Take Our Border Back Convoy. And they departed from Virginia Beach on Monday morning,

hoping to arrive in South Texas later this week. The organizers promised a posse of about 700,000 people. And Vice News did a quick count on that on Monday afternoon. They had about 36 people. And it's pretty much entirely just geriatric white guys in that 36.

So I'm assuming they've been stopping every 20 minutes or so for enlarged prostate pee breaks. They're not going to make it to South Texas very quickly. That's the thing. Vice only counted 36 people, but it's entirely possible the other 699,964 were taking a piss break just then. They had to pee. Exactly. yeah. Just once, I want a right-wing conspiracy to be true, right? For these 36 dudes to get trampled Wile E. Coyote style

by the one million gang members waiting on the other side of the Rio Grande like the world's strangest game of red light, green light. Like, is that so much to ask? So, here's the big sticking point for the army of god i'm just gonna repeat that the army of god had a big sticking point had a little that's weird yeah so they organized the whole thing on telegram for those who aren't familiar telegram is the message app that's almost entirely dedicated to q anon manifestos and buying ivermectin in abandoned warehouses and alleys.

Well, the telegram channels for the trucker convoy are apparently riddled with paranoid conspiracies that are scaring everyone away from the trucker convoy. Fuck yeah, they are. Potential soldiers of God are very worried that the whole thing is actually a psyop or a honeypot run by the federal government to entrap all the patriots. So it's the paranoia support group joke come to life. Exactly.

They're literally living it. Either they don't know what a honeypot is or they're picturing a very different kind of mob streaming across the border than most Republicans. I think it's choice B. All right. So I guess we have two possibilities here. One, these people are idiots and they're too stupid to carry out their stupid plan because their stupid got in the way, which is great. Or two, the FBI did a really good honeypot psyop, which is also great. Right, yeah.

But regardless, here's a little advice for the God army. Army of God. If you're worried about immigrants, you know, turking your gerbs, maybe do your fucking gerb instead of taking time off to do a trucker convoy. It's going to do nothing. There you go. Maybe have value or don't and die either way i'm good actually you know what do the second thing i said please die now oh shit he said please that's the magic word

and since heath telling republicans to die is pretty much the singing fat lady of our headlines i guess we can wrap it up there heath eli thanks as always do maji and when we come back tom and cecil will be here to tell us about Joe Mama. Okay, Michelle, you take care. You say hi to Nicole for me is what I'm saying. Hey, Eli. Dude, what are you doing here? Oh, hey, guys.

I was just opening. McDonald's? Yeah. you doing here oh hey guys i was just opening mcdonald's yeah if i open uh chris lets me get a free breakfast and lunch for my shift meal so you know and you work how long for this free breakfast six hours i mean plus i get my break but it's like six clocked in um eli if you want a free breakfast for life why not try hello freshFresh? What's HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit.

I don't know, guys. Don't those meal kits get kind of samey? Not with HelloFresh, they don't. Dig into their biggest menu yet with over 45 recipes to choose from each week. Wow, that is a lot of variety. But what's this about free breakfast? Well, they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and HelloFresh agrees. In fact, they're giving all subscribers free breakfast for life. That means you'll enjoy a totally free breakfast item with every single HelloFresh delivery.

Wow. But have you guys actually tried this thing? I sure have. HelloFresh sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor and I love how I can find recipes for a heart-healthy diet

and that everything unpacks from the fridge in seconds. Okay, guys. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash scathing free and use code scathing free for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active.

That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash scathing free with the code scathing free. All right, guys. Thanks. Say, what are you doing here at McDonald's so early? We were at the hospital. Oh, Valentine's Day prank? Yeah, big time. Did me a rupture. Mm-hmm. Okay. Big rupture.

A lot of people have reached out over the past few weeks to gently remind us that we're running a little bit behind on the vulgarity for charity roasts. And our response has been, you have no fucking idea. But before we get into just how far behind we really are, we want to welcome back the Brangelina of podcasting, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance. Gentlemen, welcome back. Well, it's either Cecil or Tom, and we all know how much Tom hates the internet, so it's definitely T-Cel. It's T-Cel. It's T-Cel.

Gotta be T-Cel. Feel like it. Soul. All right. Well, today we have a very special episode. As a result of a very serious medical condition that Eli has, it's called organizational insanity. Thank you. The spreadsheet with all the roast requests from our Vulgarity for Charity 2022

was in fact organizationally insane because of that condition that Eli has. And we ended up missing some of our top donors. We feel terrible about it. So now we're going to fix that a year plus later. Okay. In my defense. You haven't been reintroduced yet. You're not even here. It's true. How would anyone know that you're on the show right now, Eli? Hoisted by my own batard. Crazy

disembodied noise that makes no sense right now. So anyway, Shane S., Garrett S., Jeff O., Daniel S., Gene, Howard Z., Krista M., and now so anyway shane s garrett s jeff o daniel s gene howard z krista m and nine-fingered lesbian we want to give you a big apology from eli your desired roasting awaits hey and an even bigger apology from eli to andrew b j G, Anonymous, Kevin S, White Chocolate Temptation, Scott D, Justin C.

Really sorry about that is Eli. Eli is really sorry. It was his fault because I don't feel sorry. Eli does. And an even bigger, bigger, bigger apology on behalf of Eli Bosnick

to Bobby, James from Wichita, Seattle Exmo, Hannah and Zach, Dave, Dee and Jake, Julie and Rich, and Walt and Ash. Eli is terribly sorry. He's willing to take comedy notes from you anytime. All you have to do is email

Eli Bosnick, that's one word, at gmail.com. That's the meanest thing you've ever written. That's really, yeah, that's over the, at gmail.com. That's the meanest thing you've ever written. That's really, yeah, that's over the line. Okay. So whenever you have any thoughts about any of his comedy bits, he is 100% open to criticism.

Cecil, Cecil, what was the email one more time? What did you say? EliBosnick at gmail.com. For comedy notes. And of course,

the biggest apology of all to Matt M., Kathleen O., Farron, Joel K., Alex D., Dev T. and Michael C. Eli is eternally sorry that he can't count within a piece of software that's dedicated to counting stuff for you. Speaking of which, Eli, welcome again back more to the show.

I'm back. I'm back. And I'm here to say tabs are confusing. And of course, a big shout out to Joel Kay, who I should point out, donated $1,000 and never even asked for anything in return, including a thank you within a senatorial administration. So if you think about it, Joel, this is extra. Oh yeah, you're back in the pluses now, Eli.

Yeah, definitely. You're welcome. All right, Eli, you're also going to start us off with our first roast today. Shane wants a roast of Providence St. Joseph Health. So here's the thing about when you create a new tab in a spreadsheet, alright? It can hide the tab.

Well, okay, it wasn't hidden. You would have to press that, right? You would have to click it! You have to click it! And then you look and they're all the color you picked. Anyways, St. Joseph Health. Let's talk about them. Rosen columns are tricky. Thank you.

Literally my last roast. Okay, you're going to go after rows and columns. That's fair. I am going to go after rows and columns. Okay. Anyways, St. Joseph Health. Imagine being a bad guy for a healthcare provider. That's like being the not friendly guard at a concentration camp.

But I get it. I do get it. If I were named after a saint whose most famous accomplishment was being involuntarily and generationally cucked, I'd be a jerk about payroll too. And Heath,

this one's definitely for you. Garrett wants a review of Michigan Roads. Oh, hi there. Governor Gretchen Whitmer here. Garrett, I heard you had a request to roast the roads in my great home state of Michigan.

Well, as you know, we're literally billions of dollars behind on maintaining the infrastructure, thanks to a decade of Republican budget cuts. But don't worry, I made it my personal goal to fix all the roads. Are they done yet? No, not even close. Are we in the middle of another punishing winter that's definitely making it much, much worse? Absolutely, we are. That's correct. Were you massively inconvenienced for a small amount of improvement? You betcha. But hey, we are can-do Midwesterners. So get rid of that stinking thinking. It's not a gaping pothole that looks like a Sarlacc. It's a job creator. It's a job creator for the wonderful tire companies and local repair shops. And that's not a massive flood on a major city highway. It's a limited time aquatic attraction fun for the whole family. Plus, it keeps the Ohioans out.

Am I right? Right? Go blue. Okay. So, keeps the Ohioans out, am I right? Right? Go blue. Okay, so thanks for your concern and if you want to pitch in, get out there and fill in some of those

potholes yourself. Some mayo and popcorn salad and a little hot dish. It'll be perfect. It'll harden up real nice. Be all set. There you go. All right.

I want him to do that voice all the time now. Oh, absolutely. Andy Kaufman, he's Gretchen Whit now. Oh, absolutely. Andy Kaufman. He's Gretchen Whitmer. Yeah, no, Gretchen Whitmer is now a major player in the podcast. Do so many ads.

All right. So next up for Tom, Walt and Ash want a roast of their respective exes, Byron and Jesse. Okay. Well, this is a weird one because these are two very different people. And no, no, they're not. They're not. Look, the details are different, but it's two sides of the same coin. No matter how you flip it, anyone playing with these two loses.

Look, at the base of things, you have different manifestations of the same syndrome. A common malady of entitlement and selfishness. Two users whose sole occupation is clearly not to have one, but instead to embrace their roles as emotional and financial and sexual parasites. They will, I assure you, never change. They can't. Any more than a leech can grow feathers, they cannot wake up tomorrow and self-reflect. It is simply not in them, not a part of their DNA to try to be better, to see themselves to improve as people. Instead, what they will do is flail about until they find their next host to latch onto. But here is what is also true.

Unlike you or I who live fulfilled, they will never be full. They will live forever burrowing into others to feed and never feel full because defining who they are is an emptiness, a vastness of nothing that eats at them every day and consumes them. They will live lives obsessed with their own hollowness, feeding but hungry, full of the kind of gnawing, relentless pain that can never be quenched. So heal your own wounds from their bites and take comfort in knowing that you, in fact, can be healed, that you can, in truth, be whole. And that they will die writhing and starving and unloved. Brains. I missed this, Tom. Would you like dubstep music

playing in the background? I don't know. Tom should be at Gitmo. You'd be, you know, staff. And see, so, Ferran would like you you know, staff. And see, so, Ferran would like you to roll celebrity actor with the same first name, Ferran Tahir.

Okay, so, Ferran looks like someone made a replica face out of cake, but they couldn't get the frosting completely smooth. And they couldn't find a small needle for the pour, so they had to settle on one of those things you blow up basketballs with. I feel like if you're talking about a pour strip, had to settle in one of those things you blow up basketballs with.

I feel like if you're talking about a poor strip, it wouldn't be one of those little pieces of paper. It would be a series of buildings like a poor strip mall is what I'm thinking. And Noah, this one's for you.

Jeff wants a roast of conspiracy theory doctors who are hired by lawyers to convincingly lie in court in order to keep children in abusive environments. Wow, that's very specific. Like David Ayub and others.

Yeah, so first of all, Jeff, thank you for giving me a whole new class of people to hate. This is a thing. Apparently, David Ayub's job basically at this point is to hire himself out to child abusers who he then testifies on behalf of in court. Like he'll be like, oh, these kids had really breakable bones as it turns

out. And he just so happens to be a fringe conspiracy theorist, anti vaxxer who once equated vaccination programs with genocide. And while his very existence redefines evil, in so doing it makes him almost impossible to roast.

Does he look like the pie from American Pie Got Pregnant? Yes, but what does that matter? In a world where literally everything I could legally say about him would fall a thousand miles short of sufficient. I feel like that's the best one we've done yet. That is amazing. I mean, you could say stuff illegally. We've explained so many times, no, we can't.

Because it's illegal. That's the thing. That's the definition. All right. Now it's time for some special requests. First up, we have a request from Bobby dedicated to the Transy Talk channel. The target is one of the following. J.K. Rowling, Ken Paxton, Greg Abbott, or just TERFs in general.

K. Rowling, Ken Paxton, Greg Abbott, or just TERFs in general, and Bobby would like the roast in the form of Melania and Sarah Huckabee Sanders in sketch form. Jesus Christ. Any excuse for a doodly-doo. Hit it, Morgan. Well, what if I order the broccoli cheddar soup

at a corporate level? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll hold again. Damn it. Quallo, Saraj. It's me, your happy fun time best friend, Balamia.

No way, girlfriend. Bring it in. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Bring it in. Careful, careful. My bones are on the house side this week. Right, sure.

No, I get it. So, uh, what up? Lost man try to rob the grave around the back of the house again? No, thank gosh. I put his pajamas on backwards and that keeps him zip-zap. Right.

Yeah, smart. So, what's the deal? What's going on? So, Saraj, have you ever heard of a turf? Yeah, like the football field? Hell yeah. I had the kitchen redone entirely in that stuff this summer. It makes a slide tackle for some cheese and crackers a lot more efficient, actually.

No, no, Saroj. A tarf is a trans explosive scrapper feminist. Okay, well, you know how I feel about feminism, right? You're still mad it's not a brand of medicine for a yeast infection. Yeast infection, exactly. It's misleading. No, but these, we want on our side. They don't like the transes or the queereries.

Okay, I'm confused. How could a feminist be against trans rights or queer people? Aren't those like circles within a circle or whatever? That's what I thought. There's a circle within a circle, but no. Okay, you know what? If we can get them on board, we'll take them. Who are we talking about?

Well, that's Kekesh Rowling Isn't she the one who looks like a library ghost's unfinished business Was giving a teenager bulimia? Uh-huh, and Gregabot The guy who's afraid of trees? Yeah, all of them, not just the talking ones Okay, well, look Tell them they're all welcome

But as I tell my hubby on sex Christmas We're going to expect a pretty quick slide down the slop to white supremacy. I don't act on. Hey, Melania, before you go. Yeah, what's up, Jarrah? If a sandwich restaurant sells soup by the bowl, you should get to bring in your own bowl, right? You gotta let this go, Sarah, or we're gonna ban you again. I'm just saying, it's

false advertising. Next up is a request for the type of loathing only Tom can bring. Alex wants you to go after homophobia and transphobia. I've always liked that this brand of bigotry is labeled a phobia because I just think that it's accurate. That all hate stems from fear, sure.

But for so many of the phobes out there, it's more than that. It's jealousy. It's a resentment that they lack the courage of those that they denigrate, that even if they themselves are not gay or trans, they still see in them something they cannot be. They see the sort of honesty and bravery that is nowhere in their character, and they hate, and they belittle, and they punish, because in seeing strength, they are every day reminded of their weakness. And in seeing fearlessness, they were reminded of their own craven, feckless enfeeblement. It is almost enough to know that they are a dying breed, that they are already

in the dustbin of history. They know they have lost the battle and the war, and their screams are not battle cries, but the wailing of the dying wounded. They would be pitiable if only they deserved even that. Bevelman. What a great fucking word. I feel like what we need to do is we need to, you know how they have those poetry things,

those little fridge magnets? We need to do that with Tom's roast. Roasty fridge magnets. You just rearrange the those little fridge magnets. We need to do that with Tom's roast. Roasty fridge magnets? Oh, there you go. Roasty fridge magnets. You just rearrange the adjectives he uses in pretty much every one in a different way. Enjoy everything Tom says. It's already my method. Onto pillows.

Tom's like, wait, I feel like that's personal. Hold on. Are you roasting me now? All right, Heath, I got one for you. Michael C. wants you to defend him against Marsh in an argument from QED a year and a half ago now. So during the skeptics in the pub event, Michael said, I have no intention of treating religious bigots with compassion. And then Marsh explained how that's really not the best way to change hearts and minds. So tell Marsh why he's wrong. i actually remember this moment all right so listen marsh treating idiots with compassion that might work for you but you gotta be reasonable reasonable

for me that shit's not gonna work i'm not freakishly patient or rakishly charming. I'm not likable. I don't have a plummy accent that allows me to hypnotize literally anyone and make Heath have a crush on you. So the rest of us are left to work with the tools that we have. For me, that would be a grating New York accent and misanthropic rage. That's all I got. So I'm going to do the other thing that sometimes works, making it extremely unpleasant to have bad ideas if you ever let me hear one. If a Christian bigot or a flat earther starts talking to me, as much as I love to change their hearts and minds

by spending three hours saying, hmm, no, that's not my style. Bottom line, Michael C was right on this one. For just about everyone except you, Marsh, you delightful, charming freak of nature. Right. Thank you. And Cecil, Daniel S. wants you to roast conservatives in STEM. You're going to be building bridges, my dudes.

Isn't that literally anti-conservative come on be designing tech for the next century and voting for people who think at one time all the animals were on an arc measured in cubits do you think that the people who know how to do the devil's maths are gonna somehow not be the first one they burn at the stake? There's only so much your saved tax dollars will buy and it's not a clear conscience. Also,

why do you smell like someone lit a dust buster full of jizz rags on fire? I want that candle. You smell it once and it never goes away. Right, exactly. It's like it's in your nose. How is that possible?

Noah, this one's for you. Anonymous wants you to roast polygraph testing. Oh, thank you, Anonymous. Thank you. Okay, so here's the thing. True story. 15-year-old Noah beat a polygraph test. You want to know how I did it?

By pretending I wasn't lying. Seriously, you might as well be reading a person's fucking tea leaves. Of course, cops love polygraph tests because when you're flipping a fucking coin, half the time you get the guilty guy, right? And that's way better than their usual numbers, I'm sure. But to be clear, if a cop ever asks if you're willing to take a polygraph, counter with a magic eight ball.

And if that doesn't work, tell him you're fine doing it, but he has to take a polygraph about the same crime, right? And again, statistically, you're just going to get way more. You're going to catch your man. Absolutely, right. Every question you get on the polygraph,

ask again later. I've been arrested by the cops. Outlook not so good. All right. So it's time for one last set of dog piles. These donors were both incredibly generous and they chose topics that they wanted everybody to talk about.

So first up, herpes. Thanks to Matt for the donation. All right. Look, herpes is Thanks to Matt for the donation. All right, look. Herpes is like getting a Grateful Dead tattoo. It can be embarrassing, sure, but it was fun when you got it. And if people are way meaner about it, then they should be considering the statistics

about how many people fucking have it. All right, look. Herpes is just the yellow jacket of viruses, right? Like, they're just obnoxious. It's not the end of the world. It stings. But like, that's kind of all. It's just, you didn't have to do anything to deserve this.

What did you do? Drink from a juice glass once when you were a kid? Great. Face herpes. Why? Because yellow jackets. That's why. It's just meanness in virus form right and it's cowardly bunch of fucking like they gotta come at you in groups you ever seen one herpy no

no because they're scared to fight me one-on-one chicken shit bastards fucking herpes it's the herpes is the being white of diseases. It's sexually transmitted. Sometimes it's not your fault that you have it, but you should warn people either way. And yes, its filthy residue is all over the toilet seats in the bathroom at Chick-fil-A, but we all know that's not how you got it. Just try to keep it under control

and stop eating there because they're a bunch of babies. Stop eating, right. All right, well, Cecil didn't write anything on that. I can't tell if that's because only four out of five American adults have oral herpes or because one out of six of them have genital herpes. But for some reason, he's saying that. Okay. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Herpes is like tabs on a spreadsheet. Did I do that right? Yay. I've been much more careful with herpes than I have with tabs deaths of this Frenchie. Why would you hurt me like that? Alright, so with a huge thank you to Scott, Scott would like a roast of

Libertarians. Okay, fantastic. Hey, Libertarians, take a knee. You are being detained right now, by the way. You're the death of nuance in the goddamn universe. The tagline for your stupid thing is don't step on snack or whatever the fuck it is your philosophy of unbridled freedom is a rule about what i can't

do you're right right so i've heard libertarians described as republicans with a bong right and i'm here to say that's an insult to bongs libertarians are as Republicans with a bong, right? And I'm here to say that's an insult to bongs. Libertarians are Republicans with a shocking ignorance of basic anthropology, right? The end result of libertarianism is making all the worst shit worse. And the fact that libertarians assume that people would act based on economic rationality and not bias is a terrifying reflection on the fact that that's what they think they're doing. Libertarians are the I got mine party, except whenever you meet them, it becomes obvious that what they got was either a trust fund or a lot of logged hours on the incel boards on 4chan.

Yep. Seriously, how many libertarian women do you know? I'll wait. Yeah, the answer is still zero. I could keep waiting. The number won't change any faster than a libertarian will move out of his mom's house. Do you know Ayn Rand? Libertarians are the white privilege of government philosophies. They look around at the centuries and centuries of funded government projects and think, yep, I did all that all by myself without any help. Look at me.

Hey, libertarians, I've got great news. Your utopia, it already existed. That's right. Way back in the days of the strongest survive, three monkeys decided liberationally that combining their berries meant more berries for everyone. The social contract is, by definition, the freest possible scenario because it's what happened in the reality. Where there was the freedom, yes. Now, pay your taxes. Why are there still libertarians then?

All right, and we're going to close it out with one final round of dealer's choice, courtesy of Gene. Rage in any direction you see fit. Okay. Hey, everyone doing that group chanting thing, it goes badly every single time. When they show a protest on the news, you see like 10 seconds.

It seems like a good idea. They're doing the chant. What do we want? Justice, when do we want it now? Sure, that's a good thought. Makes sense. But what you don't see is the rest of that three-hour march.

And it's untenable so so then like the leader guy tries to mix it up after that but he goes for something with too many words and everybody's like we want the rights and we're bringing in the fights you do it you do it oh you're doing a triplet really we want the rights and we're bringing the fights up nope uh cut cut we gotta switch i can't follow that as too. And then the leader guy throws in like a double negative and it's pandemonium. Everyone's looking around trying to figure out like, Jews will replace us because we're cool with that.

I don't know where we are right now. And now I feel anti-Semitic. We're trying to do the opposite. And even if it's an easy chant, everyone gets tired after like a minute or two and it starts sounding like you're sarcastic about Black Lives Matter or whatever.

Something good. Terrible look. But most importantly, I need the sports version of the chanting to definitely go away because somebody who's kind of new to Ann Arbor might end up at the game against Ohio State and everybody starts chanting, let's go blue.

And apparently every single person in the stadium, except for me, knows that it's over after eight of those. And then I yell, let's go blue with nobody else. And now I have to kill myself with my hands. Very true. If anyone has the video of Heath alone in the stadium being like, let's go. It's so good.

I'll give you all my money for it. Go now. I'll double it. I'll double it. I quit. All right. Hey, us. What the sweet fuck

were you guys thinking? You make an entire charity event favoring people who gave the most money so they could get special treatment and then you literally neglect to give the people who gave the most money what they could get special treatment and then you literally neglect to give the people who gave the most money what they asked for

and just omit them from your charity roast. Why don't you just record a special high dollar charity episode where you just read the words go fuck yourself for 30 minutes straight. Then charge on Patreon for it. The only people more incompetent than you are the people who thought it was a good idea

to let podcasters keep track of records other than high scores on Galaga. All right, Cecil, I also have a series of justice to talk about. All right, Kellogg's Raisin Bran. How big is the fucking scoop? This is a crucial piece of information you've've been hiding the whole fucking time in it. You say there's two scoops of raisins in every box, but your raisin bread comes in different size fucking boxes. Are you using the same fucking scoops on everyone?

Obviously not, because the little personalized ones would just be a bulging box of fucking raisins. Do you have different size scoops for every box? Well, if you do, then your slogan means nothing. You've given them no information. Also, fuck you for being a thing I have to eat.

Now you're gross and you taste like sadness. That's true. That's true. The third bite's the hardest, right? Yeah. Because that's when it's become mush.

Because then you're in for a whole bowl. Then it's just like, yeah. Then it's cement, right? And there was just a, and it dirties the bowl forever. You're just like, yeah, there's a little bit of raisin Bran on the bottom of this bowl now.

No, you just throw that bowl in the garbage when you're done. Yeah, that's a garbage bowl now. That's not for you. And I, of course, am ready to take on this week's villain spreadsheet. Spreadsheets! Why are you so confusing? Eh? Where would that go?

One! One! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Why are you so confusing? Eh? Where would that go? One. Rose and Collins. Words I wrote before he pointed them out sarcastically at the beginning of this. I think we can all agree. Anyone, even the most fastidious scholar could lose track

of hundreds of items, let alone just like 10 or 20. After all, what are spreadsheets known for? Being a terrible and difficult way to keep track of information with no way to keep track of information.

With no way to find what you've lost. Yes. Yeah. Boo spreadsheets. Let's start a chant. Let's go. Spreadsheets. You're right, Heath.

It is bad. It is terrible. I found some missing ones in the spreadsheets. Eli was like, you're lying. I think you're a liar. You're totally did for like a week and a half you're allowed to duel him with pistols for that by the way that's true just want to let you know told you no fuck sleeping thank you tom somebody had to come for it thank you every thank you every day every goddamn day and for a huge chunk of the day everybody just kind of gently powers down not everybody for a third of our lives we're just mildly unconscious and

completely fucking vulnerable and for what our hearts don't ever just take a 15 our livers keep livering all day 24 7 365 but our 365. But our stupid fucking brains, the thing that arguably mostly makes us who we are, well, those just turn the fuck off. And there's no getting around it because we'll go fucking nuts if we don't become unconscious for a little while every fucking day. But then sometimes, and here's the real kicker, sometimes your brain's like, hey, what about I just keep the light switch in the on position because fuck you that's why and then you don't sleep and instead you're just shit at everything forever until you can be unconscious again so you can be better at being conscious later the whole thing is too fucking asinine to be believed imagine trying to explain this to aliens that

don't have to sleep like oh yeah so every day uh all of us we just kind of die a little and uh but if we don't do that that'll kill us we're trash this is being human just everyday training for the sweet release of death that's it yep yep all right well on that note we're gonna close off vulgarity for charity 2022 still working on last year's. Roll the spreadsheet, guys. Roll it. No, you're not supposed to roll them. I tried. They're computer.

Okay, so guys, if you donated over the holidays, keep listening both here and over at Cognitive Dissonance. Your roasts might be just around the corner. Like next year sometime. See, it might be next year.

You never really know. Next year. We like to surprise you. Keep them popping in. And Tom Cecil, thanks again for hanging out, guys. Thanks so much for having us. Thanks for having us. Appreciate it. I wanted to blame Tim for the record.

You did? Don't worry. Eli's got everybody's name this year on a large scroll of papyrus. I'm using a Roman tablet. I'm using a Roman wax tablet like that guy on TikTok. It's all in cuneiform. It's going to be fine. Before we return to our carbonite tonight, I want to add an asterisk to the end

of that Vulgarity for Charity segment. While we are indeed done recording all the roasts from 2022, there wasn't quite enough room in this episode for all of the ones that we recorded, so we're going to officially wrap that up on next week's show. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Tisha Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. I almost had that. Obviously, I can't grant this episode its own number in the archives of a neglected thing. Heathenrate for wrenching the truth out of them. Lucinda Lusions for hammering

the truth out of them. And Eli Bosnick for screwing... You know what, never mind. You really only get two out of that one, I guess. Anyway, I also want to thank Tom and Cecil for hanging out with us again this week. I want to thank Nate for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for providing cat pics along with it. You found my weakness, Nate. But most of all, of course,

I want to thank this week's best bipeds, El Josh Chris, Johnny Tips, Donovan, Noah, Amaretto, Nathan, Retnap, Ranolfo, and Zoe, the Pug Puppy's best friend. El Josh Chris and Johnny, who are so hot, all ice cream is soft-served to them. Donovan, Noah, Amaretto, and Nathan, whose IQs have more numbers in them than a birthday candle factory, and Retnap, Ranolfo, and Zoe, who are so bright, they can return the sun the favor during an eclipse. We'll see you next time. And if you do, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your money is tight as a dish right now, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. Additional writing for this episode was provided by Mike Schuster and Andrea Romano and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Morgan? I don't even know what I'm asking you to do. Morgan? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.