The Scathing Atheist - 573: Swifty Boat Edition

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

In this week’s episode, reaping what you sow is anti-Catholic persecution, the NFL sets up a really dumb script with a small market team as the protagonist, and Tom and Cecil will be back with all t...he vulgarity you missed last week. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: scathingnews@gmail.com To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: The headlines Noah mentioned in the diatribe: https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/religious-people-coped-better-with-covid-19-pandemic-research-suggests and https://religionnews.com/2024/02/02/study-spirituality-boosts-mental-health-during-isolation-and-despair/ Threat of Satanic school halts repeal of Idaho’s Blaine Amendment: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-proposed-satanic-school-helped Conservatives lose their minds over Jesus as a scantily clad white twink on a poster: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2024/02/conservatives-lose-their-minds-over-jesus-as-a-scantily-clad-white-twink-on-a-poster/ Abortion protestors convicted of doing what they were doing  The Catholic version: Six Pro-Life Activists Convicted of Federal FACE Act Charges, Face Over a Decade in Prison| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) The DOJ version: Office of Public Affairs | Six Defendants Convicted of Federal Civil Rights Conspiracy and Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act Offenses for Obstructing Access to Reproductive Health Services in Tennessee | United States Department of Justice Arizona bill would ban Satanic displays on public property: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/arizona-bill-would-ban-satanic-displays Mom banned from christian school parking lot because of onlyfans decal: https://www.cbsnews.com/miami/news/central-florida-mom-banned-from-dropping-off-kids-at-school-because-of-onlyfans-decal/ Christian Right conspiracy theories about Taylor Swift reach new heights ahead of Super Bowl: https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/01/31/taylor-swift-conspiracy-theories-gop-00138817 https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/taylor-swift-far-right-maga-relationship-timeline-1234957784/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Misogyny ensues on Orthodox radio show: https://religionnews.com/2024/02/05/orthodox-christian-radio-hosted-a-broadcast-on-deaconesses-then-misogyny-poured-in/ Glitter Unicorns: https://www.facebook.com/sowalball/posts/pfbid02x8Rbha6tXxJgzEQm3DBEYYEewMdNQyA3Eg9WV1eS7EfDeVH7c8msYRSyGwJ1BBFRl

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Warning, this shit's got fuck in it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve, and by the new VR headset for Christians, the Chapel Vision Pro. When you wear it, all the worldly evidence that your religion is wrong is automatically scrubbed from view, allowing you to move freely and confidently through the world without losing your faith. Chapel Vision Pro. It's just a blindfold. And now, The Sc Skating Atheist.
Starting point is 00:00:26 Hey everybody, it's RJ. You last heard from me when I was working full-time as a paramedic pre-COVID and said that we evolved from filthy monkey people. Well, I now work in business development and I can confirm that some of us, at least, did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's February 8th. And it's Proposed Day.
Starting point is 00:01:11 Okay. Weird way to get out of Valentine's Day, but respect the game. Okay. Sure, yeah. I'm Snow Illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Snooki's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, reaping what you sow is anti-Catholic persecution. The NFL sets up a really dumb script with a small market team as the protagonist. And Tom and Cecil will be back with all the vulgarity you missed last week.
Starting point is 00:01:40 But first, the diatribe. When you're doing science, the questions you ask matter, as do the questions that you don't ask. Like, for example, I came across the study this week that was hamstrung by the fact that the researchers failed to ask, hey, are we a bunch of ridiculous fuckholes so buried in motivated reasoning with our heads so far up our asses that we can't think objectively? And because they failed to ask that simple question, we're now inundated with dumbass headlines like this one from the religious news services.
Starting point is 00:02:16 Quote, study, spirituality boosts mental health during isolation and despair. And the even more egregious quote, religious people coped better with COVID-19 pandemic, research suggests, end quote. And that's from no less than the University at goddamn Cambridge's website. Now, to be clear, neither the study nor the research
Starting point is 00:02:37 suggested either of those things. The researchers suggested that, but only because of the aforementioned incuriosity as to the location of their heads in relation to the interiors of their rectums. I mean, religious people were more likely to die of COVID than their non-religious counterparts. Right, Silex? It's pretty fucking hard to argue they coped better with the pandemic unless your metric is how quickly they freed up their hospital beds. unless your metric is how quickly they freed up their hospital beds. Religiosity made people less likely to get vaccinated, less likely to respect lockdown orders,
Starting point is 00:03:12 less likely to trust public health experts. In no possible way did they cope better with the pandemic. But only 4.3% of religious people told a rando on the phone that they felt miserable during the pandemic compared to 6.1% of non-religious people. So, you know, they've got enough math to at least claim otherwise in a headline. And yes, all their data is that fucking dumb. There are actually three different studies that are being talked about in these two stories that I referenced. And they're all the same motivated reasoning bullshit that fails to account for really
Starting point is 00:03:46 basic confounding variables. One comes to us from a group called the Fetzer Institute. This is a group whose president and CEO describes their whole reason for being as, quote, belief that faith and spirituality are essential to human flourishing, end quote. Despite that claim being demonstrably false. But yeah, these guys surveyed 3,000 Americans and they asked them about religion and how they cope with COVID. And what do you know, the people who belong to the group that tells them that mental illness is a personal shortcoming and actively discourages its members from seeking psychiatric help reported less mental illness.
Starting point is 00:04:22 It's so weird. Of course, the survey didn't account for the single obvious variable that always dooms these studies. That is membership. Right? See, these studies, they always show religious people live longer or they suffer less or they're happier, whatever. But when you separate out churchgoers from religious non-churchgoers, you're going to find that those advantages only accrue to the churchgoers. And then when you compare those churchgoers to secular people who belong to literally any group that meets at least once a month, why suddenly you see the advantages across the board. I mean, yeah, people who were part of religious organizations that met regularly probably did cope with the isolation of COVID better. But it's not because they were religious. It's because they were less isolated. There's literally no need for further explanation.
Starting point is 00:05:10 They had a larger community to draw from. But not only did these bullshit surveys fail to acknowledge that answer, they didn't even account for it. And by the way, this is not some fucking secret that's been baffling science for ages until I just now puzzled it out in this diatribe. You need be only mildly familiar with the literature on this subject to be aware of this common confound. I know that because I'm only mildly familiar with the literature on this subject. If any of the people involved in any of these surveys had any real interest in answering the fundamental question of how religion and spirituality affected people during the lockdown, they would have accounted for this shit. And they'd have at least acknowledged somewhere in their press releases that
Starting point is 00:05:51 religion was heavily correlated with vaccine hesitancy, conspiracy thinking, embrace of alternative therapies, et cetera. But that's not the fucking point. The point is to gather up a bunch of numbers that look like data. If you promise not to put your glasses on and use it to pretend that religion serves a function. Hell, in the Fetzer study, they say the data, quote, shows that spirituality is like a vaccine, inoculating people against isolation and despair.
Starting point is 00:06:17 No, no, fuck it, doesn't it? Slightly less bullshit study out of Cambridge concluded that religious faith might, quote, build resilience and help people cope with adversity by providing hope, consolation and meaning in tumultuous times, end quote. Give me a fucking break. And look, I get that neither of those are much of an endorsement, even if they were true. The ability to pretend you're a fuzzy pony living in the land of Hugville would probably do the same shit. And I don't think many people would recommend it regardless even fewer would pretend that that made it true but somehow that's the best religious researchers can manage even when they rig the system to get their favorite outcome and for some fucking reason legitimate news outlets are still willing to play along.
Starting point is 00:07:06 They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the hard and harder to my heart with a vengeance Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to fight back? Just head over to 4hymns.com slash hard with a vengeance. But seriously, guys, I think I should take this sandwich board off. All that's happened is I got invited on Joe Rogan. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:07:29 Right. Well, now I have to figure out how to bleep a sandwich board. So while I do that, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Adam and Eve. Hey, podcast listener. You know, there are a lot of benefits to being an atheist. You're wrong about one less question. You're exponentially less likely a lot of benefits to being an atheist. You're wrong about one less
Starting point is 00:07:45 question. You're exponentially less likely to believe in other stupid ideas. But perhaps most beneficial of all, you get to have sex with whatever consenting adults that you want to. That's right. Whether you're a lifelong anti-theist or you just deconverted as your New Year's resolution, one thing that puts us head and shoulders above the believers is fuck stuff. But if you're new to that kind of freedom of fuck stuff, where to get started can be confusing. Where do I buy sex stuff? Is the UPS man actually just bringing me a package? Is my sweet, sweet bod an appropriate way to pay for pizza? Okay, well, we can't answer those latter two questions, but we can tell you the answer to the first one. Okay, well, we can't answer those latter two questions,
Starting point is 00:08:24 but we can tell you the answer to the first one. Get your fuck stuff at adamandeve.com. adamandeve.com is a sex and sex work positive LGBTQ friendly online superstore for whatever you're into. Sex toys, dress up stuff, lube, protection, and more. And this Valentine's Day, when you go to adamandeve.com and select almost any one item, you'll get it at 50% off. Almost any item. But that's not all.
Starting point is 00:08:49 When you select your one item, you'll also get free shipping. So head on over to adamandeve.com and be sure to use offer code SCATHING. Again, that's S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. SCATHING. That's SCATHING at adamandeve.com. Have a happy Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. The holiday that atheists are winning by a country mile. You sure are, Noah.
Starting point is 00:09:10 You sure are. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, look, nothing of particular importance has ever or will ever happen in Idaho. It's not geographically possible so it's kind of weird to devote the lead story to something that happened in idaho let alone something that didn't happen in idaho which is actually what this story is about but it's kind of an awesome story about how one person can make a real difference in our fight so damn it that's going to be our lead so yeah in our lead story tonight idaho did not move to repeal the amendment of their state constitution that
Starting point is 00:09:45 prevents taxpayer money from funding religious schools last tuesday and while that's also true of all the other days this is the first time that i'm aware of when they didn't do it because a satanist was threatening to soak up some of those funds for a satanic elementary school okay you gotta love it when you can hold them hostage by threatening other magic. Because they think magic is real. And we're like, no, we'll do our other magic. And they're scared. They're like kids playing with toy guns, except way less aware.
Starting point is 00:10:14 We're like, hey, that gets you. And they're like, yeah, it does. Yeah, I got your Jesus in a headlock. So then they bleed out on the ground for us. Yeah. Honestly, it might be worth the Senate declaring that they're rubber and Republicans are glue at this point. Like, have we tried it? We should try it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So the provision we're talking about is what's called a Blaine Amendment. It's named for a proposed constitutional amendment
Starting point is 00:10:35 that failed to get into the U.S. Constitution, but made its way into 37 state constitutions, including, of course, Idaho. Well, Idaho lawmakers recently proposed House Joint Resolution 1, which would repeal the amendment and clear the way for tax dollars to go to sectarian schools. And on this past Tuesday, they held a hearing before the House State Affairs Committee, wherein one of the speakers was a non-theistic Satanist by the name of Rowan Astra. Fuck yeah, they were. Yep, right? She spoke in tongue-in-cheek support of the repeal saying she quote looks forward to the
Starting point is 00:11:06 opportunity to be able to start a satanic k through 12 performing arts school and being able to have access to the same funds that any other religious school would have end quote this is great actually we've had the teachers bringing their own fetal offerings for the cauldron and like the spells are barely, we can't do an evil spell. It just barely fizzles out. Usually this is awesome. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:29 This is great. But here's the thing, Satanist performing arts school, you got to commit to the bit. Okay. Like I need everyone to be uncomfortable around Christmas time.
Starting point is 00:11:38 Right. Right. A lot of whispers between parents about how heavy handed you're being, you know, you got to D up.
Starting point is 00:11:43 You got to D up. Now, obviously Rowan wouldn't really be able to access the funds, but she did raise the specter of non-Christian schools getting in on the action. So when a right-wing attorney who supported the law spoke next, Republican State Representative Vito Barbieri felt the need to clarify. He asked her in her legal opinion if the law would, quote, result in equal distribution of public funds
Starting point is 00:12:06 to Satanists and other what we might call fringe religious beliefs and organizations, end quote. Jewish. Right, yeah. Thank you. That's what I was going to say. And then the lawyer, she kind of had to hem and haw and she danced around
Starting point is 00:12:21 saying, well, technically, yes, but we're obviously going to discriminate against them for several minutes but but the key is that her answer wasn't no and that was plenty to give barbieri pause all right i really thought you'd have some like airtight bigot language there lawyer like ready to go do your fucking job what is your job i'm honestly surprised the lawyer wasn't like oh sorry we're going to discriminate against minority religions sorry the court reporter was blowing her, sorry, we're going to discriminate against minority religions. Sorry, the court reporter was blowing her nose. I said, we're going to discriminate against minority religions. Okay, now she's got it. Yeah, right. So look, the attempt isn't dead, but the guy who sponsored the legislation said he was pausing his efforts until he could get
Starting point is 00:12:59 answers on some technical questions. And then he refused to elaborate on what those technical questions are, which makes the odds of getting the answers way lower, I think. So this fight will continue, but at least for the moment, it was brought to a screeching halt by one activist who had the guts to speak up at a public meeting.
Starting point is 00:13:15 So well done. Excellent work. And in Spanish Sinquisition news, an artist in Spain created a depiction of Jesus Christ that was unexpected. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout.
Starting point is 00:13:34 That's right. We have a full-on freakout by conservative Catholics in Spain with, you know, delightful Castilian accents that make the freakout extra adorable. And it's all thanks to the unveiling of a new piece by renowned painter Celestiano Garcia, who was commissioned by the Council of Brotherhoods in Sevilla to make a poster of the Lord and Savior to help promote the city's big Easter celebration. It's just a basic depiction of, well, you know, the apocryphal white Jesus, but the out-freakers are pretty sure that Jesus is being gay in the picture, I think. Yes, right. They're like, look, there's a level
Starting point is 00:14:14 of fuckability that's unseemly in this. What are we, a bunch of Mormons over here? Come on, come on. And a big thanks to Allison for the link, scathingnewsgmail.com. So I'll start by describing the work itself. Again, it's just the standard white guy Jesus with long hair and a beard. And he's topless. And he's got a loincloth held up by a belt. Very typical of almost all the European artwork of Jesus throughout history. Except the blood and gore of the crucifixion is actually minimal in the new one. But I mentioned a bunch of homophobic responses.
Starting point is 00:14:47 So you're probably wondering, where's the guy he's blowing in the poster and who is it? The answer is nowhere and nobody. He's standing there alone, but gaily, according to the crazy people. If I had to guess, maybe here's the part where it gets sexual for them. And this is pretty rough. You might want to sit down for this. The way the fabric is held by his belt,
Starting point is 00:15:11 you can see a small amount of his outer thigh on both legs. His outer thighs, the both. Yeah, look, the reason they think it's gay is because they want to jerk off
Starting point is 00:15:24 to this picture, right? And they're damn sure not going to blame themselves for the gayness here. I mean, look, guys, guys, look, I like to poke fun at Christians as much as you guys do. But let's be honest here. This is a fuckable ass Jesus. Oh, yes. I think we're not being honest about how hard this Jesus is obviously asking for it. I'm upset by it.
Starting point is 00:15:47 I'm upset by it. I mean, but compared to other ones more like, yes, so much more. You bring this up on Google Images. You bring this up on Google Images. I have it up right now. I'm looking right at it. It's NSFW. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 00:15:59 Okay. Well, just for the record, the artist seems to be a genuine, devout Catholic guy who made a nice painting and then he got yelled at by crazy people. According to the artist, Mr. Garcia, there's nothing revolutionary in my painting. All the elements have been used in the last seven centuries in sacred art. I don't see at what point, at what element, people who don't like it, don't like it. And then he added the best part he explained how his son was the model for the painting and he added to see sexuality in my image you must be sick okay all right i love what you're doing here man but fucking bullshit
Starting point is 00:16:39 there's no way your jesus painting got that fuckable by accident. Yeah, now I'm worried for your son, if anything. Also, I think you're underestimating the things I can see sexuality in, sir. I've had to throw away pears for being too juicy, sir. You don't know. Okay. You don't know what I'm capable of. We're really siding with the Spanish Catholics on this one. The conservatives.
Starting point is 00:16:59 Look, once in a while. Crazy days make strange bedfellows, Heath. It's a fuckable Jesus. You see it, I see it. Allfellows, Heath. It's a fuckable Jesus. You see it, I see it. All right. Well, one other thing. Just for the record, Spanish Catholic people who love this podcast and are listening,
Starting point is 00:17:14 you're probably enjoying this story so far. Here's the thing, though. Maybe Jesus was gay or bi. Just fucking deal with it. He spent a bunch of time walking around with his hippie bros, doing close-up magic and washing each other's quote, feet. That sounds like
Starting point is 00:17:28 a really nice gay time. Embrace it. Yeah. Or don't. He's just a guy. None of this matters. Your entire worldview is based on nothing
Starting point is 00:17:36 that matters. Yep. It's true. It's true. And in consequences of your faction's news. Some of you might not know this, but way back in 2019,
Starting point is 00:17:47 I learned about an ICE office here in New York City in a high rise in Manhattan. The office in particular was pretending to offer college scholarships to undocumented kids in order to entrap and deport them. So I, along with a friend, founded and ran a short-lived civil disobedience group called Close the Camps NYC.
Starting point is 00:18:07 And that summer, we arranged four large-scale acts of civil disobedience against the office. And I'm proud to say we achieved our goal. Office lost its lease in the building. No longer any ICE offices operating that sting in Manhattan. And in said disobedience, I was arrested and cited for disorderly conduct twice, which is standard, by the way. It's not like I was extra rowdy during the arrest or anything. And look, I'm proud to say I have both those citations pinned to the side of my refrigerator because, and it's right there in the title, that's the point of civil disobedience. You break the law
Starting point is 00:18:43 to protest something, and then you absorb the consequences of those laws as part of your protest. Unless, of course, you're an anti-abortion loon, in which case you freak out and cry oppression the second there are consequences for the thing you did. And that is exactly what happened this week when six pro-life protesters were convicted of blocking the entrance to an abortion clinic. It's so weird that the religion where you can reach moral absolution by saying sorry to yourself
Starting point is 00:19:10 is bad at accepting the consequences of their actions, isn't it? Right? So weird. I'm just picturing Jesus on the cross being like, am I being detained right now? This is persecution.
Starting point is 00:19:20 You will be hearing from Matt Staver and Liberty Council. Yes, exactly. Yeah, so first off, big thanks to Brian for sending us this story to scat Liberty Council. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So first off, big thanks to Brian for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. Sending us the latest news to scathingnews at gmail.com is an act of righteous protest you can do without any legal risk whatsoever. You can even do it naked. We'll never tell.
Starting point is 00:19:41 Anyway, back in 2021, six Christian idiots formed a sad little bigot blockade at the Carafem Health Center Clinic in Mount Juliet, Tennessee. Now, there is no question that they did this. There's a video of it on the internet that you can watch right now. Also, no question they were involved with Greg Locke, who has a church that's about three miles away from this blockade. he sure does. Right. But unlike my civil disobedience, which just made an underpaid lobby security guard really want to kick me in the nuts, the Christian idiots violated the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act or FACE Act, which prohibits, quote, violent, threatening, damaging and
Starting point is 00:20:21 obstructive conduct intended to injure, intimidate, or interfere with the right to seek, obtain, or provide reproductive health services, end quote. And I just want to note here that I find the setup for a fuck your face act joke way too convenient, he said, right? Are you Bill Clinton who signed this law in in 1994. You have to tell us. It's like being a cop. Okay. Well, what do you mean by it is like? Anyways, as I mentioned, much to the shock and dismay of Catholics everywhere, this sinister six were convicted of doing the thing they did in federal court last week. And they are now each facing up to a maximum of 10 and a half years in prison three years of supervised release and fines of up to 260 000 which i don't know about you sounds a lot like
Starting point is 00:21:13 real consequences so they are outraged and they do not see the irony no they do not well right i mean this is way harder on abortion opponents because they have to see the prison sentences all the way through to full term. Right. Early release is murder. Yeah. And a miscarriage of justice is no excuse. Exactly. Yeah. Right. So Steve Crampton, a lawyer with the Thomas More Society, we've talked about them quite a bit on this show and attorney for one of the defendants said in a press release afterwards, quote, this was a peaceful demonstration by entirely peaceable citizens
Starting point is 00:21:50 filled with prayer, hymns singing in worship, oriented towards persuading, expecting mothers not to abort their babies. We did our crime with a song. Doesn't count. Literally, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:02 Unfortunately, the Biden Department of Justice decided to characterize Paul Vaughn's peaceful actions as a felony conspiracy against rights to intimidate and punish Paul and other pro-life people and people of faith. End quote by that guy's lawyer who lost. Oh, my God. You know, you know who I would love to have as president? It's whoever the fuck these idiots think Joe Biden is. That guy sounds awesome.
Starting point is 00:22:30 Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, also stop going to the fucking prayer breakfast reel, Joe Biden. You know he was just there for the breakfast. Shut that down. That's not a government event.
Starting point is 00:22:38 You know Joe Bo loves breakfast, Heath. Can't keep that guy from a waffle. Have pancakes whenever you want, man. And look, I would love to tell you these knuckle fuckers are going to face some jail time, but this is America and they are almost certainly going to wriggle out of this
Starting point is 00:22:56 through some theocratic bullshit at the appellate court or the... Hell, back in September, Republicans tried and failed to repeal the FACE Act. So who knows how long this shit is even going to be extra illegal. Whatever the case, these assholes are sad right now. And anytime that happens, I'm going to take it as an excuse to celebrate.
Starting point is 00:23:18 All right. And quick, bask in the afterglow of victory while you can, because we're about to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants one if it's a legitimate rate you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in misogyny sometimes it's not just about the progress you make it's about how you make it like for example compared to a lot of various flavors of Christianity, Orthodox Christians are a little more progressive in terms of female clergy. But compared to literally any non-religious institution allowed to legally exist in the U.S.,
Starting point is 00:23:55 not so much. See, women can only serve as deacons, which are the third class clergy in a three-tier system. So they can be, at best, assistant to the regional clergy. And they're almost always not. Not all Orthodox congregations even have deacons. And when they do, they're almost always exclusively male. So even this low-level bullshit is best-case scenario. But as we learned last week, even that is way too much for a lot of Christian misogynists. See, some people within the church are pushing to expand the role of women,
Starting point is 00:24:29 and a few of those folks went on a radio program to try to make their case last week. And to give you an idea just how much of an uphill battle it is to be progressive in those circles, the broadcast was being carried by a channel called Ancient Faith Radio. Anyway, as soon as the broadcast starts, so does the misogyny. This is being casted on YouTube, so immediately the comments start filling up with shit like, quote, Paul said women should stay silent because they talk too much and are too opinionated in church. End quote. This is a joke.
Starting point is 00:25:02 And my personal favorite, quote, deaconesses would turn the sanctuary into a brothel. End quote. This is a joke. And my personal favorite, quote, deaconesses would turn the sanctuary into a brothel, end quote. And look, I get that these kinds of arguments can be complicated from a feminist perspective. Like, I want to support women who would like to move into these formally male-only positions, but the positions are who gets to help oppress women. only positions, but the positions are who gets to help oppress women. Like the fact that there's anything controversial about this one is proof of that. So in a sense, I shouldn't support anyone who wants to move into that position. But the only way that's going to change is by women fighting their way into positions of power, I guess. So I'll offer them my reluctant blessing. And there's just one other story I wanted to draw
Starting point is 00:25:46 your attention to this week, and even calling it a story might be overselling it. Normally, I wouldn't even mention something so poorly sourced, but I saw it on social media and thought it deserved a comment. So it's the meme that's going around wherein a male coach of a t-ball team declines to play his all boys team against an all girls team called the glitter unicorns because he's afraid his boys will be embarrassed to lose to them now look like i said this is a meme could very well be fake but regardless of its veracity it represents a very real problem that i see constantly between my generation and their kids because here's the dirty little secret his boys team that's playing t-ball
Starting point is 00:26:26 doesn't give a sweet fuck what the name of the girls team that beat them is. Hell, based on the few t-ball aged boys I know, they're probably jealous they can't be on a team with such a cool name. If anybody's embarrassed to lose to the glitter unicorns, it's the coach. And assuming it's a true story,
Starting point is 00:26:46 shame on him for trying to pawn off his misogynistic insecurities on a bunch of kids. Anyway, on that note, I'll wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda.
Starting point is 00:27:00 And in Satan-baitin' news tonight, there are a lot of reasons to believe that if and when Satan comes to Earth for the final battle against God for the souls of humanity, he's going to take up residence in Arizona. Right. It's like it's his kind of climate. He's a big fan of Joe Arpaio, all kind of reasons. part-time fake elector, Jake Hoffman, is trying to pass a bill that states in all caps in three different times, quote, satanic memorials, statues, altars, or displays, or any other method of representing or honoring Satan may not be displayed on public property in this state, end quote. Okay, fun project for any listeners in Arizona.zona set up as many christian crosses as you can but make them so the horizontal piece can slide down and it can become an upside down it just pops up when hoffman drives by okay no we're good we're good so yeah so thanks to
Starting point is 00:27:59 christopher who is the first one to send us this link at scathing news at gmail.com because in addition to being a hilariously unconstitutional attempt at a law, it's also a hilariously acronymed attempt at a law. It's called the Reject Escalating Satanism
Starting point is 00:28:14 by Preserving Essential Core Traditions or Respect Act. So stretchy. Did I do that one? I think I did that one for G&D Minus. Were you in a hurry
Starting point is 00:28:26 at the time? Yeah, I got into my notes. Now, among the core traditions he's seeking to preserve here is not, of course, the First Fucking Amendment because obviously you can't just pick one religion
Starting point is 00:28:36 and exclude them from legal protections. I'm sorry, you can't officially do that. Did you hear that, Noah? Did you hear that? That was Brett Kavanaugh whispering the words for now into his breakfast beer.
Starting point is 00:28:49 Yeah, it was. But the first half of their stupid acronym is perhaps even more telling. Rejecting escalating Satanism. Because look, this bill is no doubt inspired by satanic displays that so often accompany Christian displays in state capitol buildings. Hoffman knows that if they ever got one erected in Arizona, he's going to be the first one to break down and get arrested for hate fucking it into a garbage can or whatever that dude in Iowa was doing.
Starting point is 00:29:16 Looks like some things in Idaho are important after all. Ain't no illusions. Iowa and Idaho, two different places. Same place. Okay, another project. Set up satanic displays that are already hate-fucked into garbage cans, right? They're going to be so confused.
Starting point is 00:29:33 They don't know what to do. Yeah, there you go. Is this a thing for us? Is this like an Iwo Jima for us? Like, I won? But this also speaks, in addition to, like, dealing with that Iowa-type shit,
Starting point is 00:29:44 this also speaks to the Satanic Panic 2.0 QAnon fucks that are getting assholes like Hoffman elected. He knows his bullshit bill can't possibly pass, let alone be enforced. But being the author of the Satan's coming to get you bill scores him political points regardless. Yeah, great. It's the Equal Rights Amendment of the Christian right. That's fine. Yeah. regardless yeah great it's the equal rights amendment of the christian right that's fine yeah yeah and quick reminder if satanic monuments on public grounds bother you there's already a great remedy for that just remove religious monuments from them all together that's the
Starting point is 00:30:16 whole fucking point as it turns out not only is that option constitutional but one could argue pretty convincingly that that's the only constitutional option i've yet to hear a story about a satanic monument that wasn't in response to a christian one so to get to where these idiots are you basically have to swerve out of the way of the point so violently that it causes brain damage this dude is trying to rectify the problem of religious exclusion by excluding the religion that's complaining about it is where we are. Yeah. And in decalamity news.
Starting point is 00:30:51 What? A mom in Central Florida has been banned from dropping her children off at their private Christian school merely because she was advertising her small woman-owned business on the back of her vehicle. That business being her back of her vehicle. That business being
Starting point is 00:31:05 her OnlyFans page. So, okay, I feel like her kid asked them to ban her. Also, don't let her bring zucchini bread to the bake sale. Just trust me. Good idea. All right, so first off,
Starting point is 00:31:19 big thanks to everyone who sent us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. But first was Amanda. So, special thanks to you, Amanda. If we had an OnlyFans page, Amanda, we would never send you a bunch of PPV messages. You're welcome. Anyway, the Migswilf, that's mom who I guess several people would like to fuck, goes by Piper Fawn on the website. And in spite of the decal on the back of her car, just
Starting point is 00:31:42 saying what her website is, Liberty Christian Preparatory School has told her that her vehicle is unwelcome on campus, forcing her to park across a busy street and then walk her kids to school. Ms. Fawn approached media outlets about the exclusion because she believes it's unsafe and would like the school to provide a crossing guard. Right, or barring that,
Starting point is 00:32:03 just not be assholes and let her drop her fucking kids off. You know, I bet these motherfuckers let people with Trump bumper stickers drop their kids off, and that's legit obscene. For sure. Right? She gets rid of the decal,
Starting point is 00:32:15 but now the entire car is a QR code. And look, while the school has so far refused to comment publicly on this story, it's worth pointing out that some people find your job offensive is not an acceptable reason to ban someone from the school drop-off line, right? If I saw a zip line instructor
Starting point is 00:32:33 dropping their kid off at school, would I complain and make them walk across dangerous traffic for my comfort? No. I would bide my time till the moment was right, and then I would mow down both parent and child to rid the world of one more zip lining menace and they're surely evil progeny. What is happening?
Starting point is 00:32:52 Dude, you got to tell us what happened with the zip line. I think maybe he got stuck. My backstory shall forever remain shrouded in mystery. Okay. But look, here's the point. We report on religious school doesn't like a thing. So they ban it stories on a pretty regular basis. And as I usually sadly have to remind our audience, there's not a damn thing anyone
Starting point is 00:33:10 in the country can do about it because societally, we've all agreed that religion doesn't have to have laws. So look, I'm honestly just hoping this ends here. I hope this lady figures out a way to get her kids to school and they don't get kicked out or banned or punished or whatever. But when and if that happens, we'll be sure to tell you all about it and the shit we can't do to prevent it. And finally tonight in Tinker Taylor Swizzle Spy News. Fuck yeah! The Illuminati secret agent Taylor Swift is scaring the fuck out of shitty people right now.
Starting point is 00:33:51 And it's delightful. The very existence of Taylor Swift has been extremely triggering to the Christian right for a while. And with the Super Bowl coming up, and Taylor having a relationship with one of the players in that game, the level of insane conspiracy theories and panicky misogyny has gone through the roof. The only time they deem it acceptable to break a glass ceiling.
Starting point is 00:34:15 Exactly. Yeah. So, sorry, the billionaire with the most AOY Grammys in history is dating a guy whose high school quote was the word Chipotle and they're worried for his. OK, not clear. So here's a quick background on the Taylor haters or taters. TM, TM, TM. And they're going to take they're going to take. It started early in her career when the alt right saw a white woman with some country music influence and they tried to hijack
Starting point is 00:34:44 her fame. But that backfired when Taylor made it very clear that she is not a conservative. Over the last several years, she's been an advocate for the Me Too movement and for Black Lives Matter and for uterine autonomy. And she's been an outspoken critic of Donald Trump. And of course, she's a woman who's now a billionaire, which is terrifying to these people. And of course, she's a woman who's now a billionaire, which is terrifying to these people. On top of that, she was the Time magazine person of the year for 2023, despite Elon Musk losing way more money than Taylor Swift gained on her record setting tour. So that was all deep state cheating or something. Oh, also, she's a literal demon. In December, a pastor noticed that she had a cape and maybe an orb
Starting point is 00:35:27 and maybe something that looks like it's from the woods. Yeah. That's really what he said. It is. Oh, God. The person of the year backlash
Starting point is 00:35:36 was the best, right? Because it was just a bunch of guys my age going, how could she be person of the year if she doesn't influence me? And then slowly realizing
Starting point is 00:35:43 that the answer is because you're not especially relevant, and then recording their existential crises they had in their trucks afterwards. It was just glorious. Hey, man, you just wrote, this is not affecting me, in all caps while ugly crying. You understand
Starting point is 00:35:56 how? Sure did. That doesn't make sense, right? I do think it's weird that the deluxe version of the new album she just announced comes with a gun, a single bullet, and a note that says, this is for your shitty dad. But who am I to question an artist's vision, you know? All right. So here's the latest conspiracy theory. In order to get Joe Biden reelected, the deep state ran the following long con. It started before Joe Biden got elected. Smart. Always good to be ahead of these things. Good. Yeah. So George Soros tricked Taylor Swift with his tricky lizard magic or maybe just bribed
Starting point is 00:36:36 her into becoming a liberal activist. And then from there, fast forward to last September when the Illuminati set up a relationship between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey of the Kansas City Chiefs. This would allow the most popular musician on the planet to finally get a little publicity. And from there, all they had to do was rig the entire NFL season to make sure the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl. And here we are. They nailed it. So when the Chiefs win the game, based on the script, of course, people are finally going to know the name Taylor Swift because of her famous Super Bowl champion boyfriend. And then she's going to endorse Joe Biden for reelection. And I fucking love this because they had to shift
Starting point is 00:37:23 over from the you can tell they were rigging it to have the Ravens in there because of the logo colors conspiracy to this one. And they did it seamlessly. Seamlessly. No transitions, baby. Okay.
Starting point is 00:37:35 And to be fair, as we talked about in our patron exclusive extra the other day, I'm mad at Taylor for not being enough of a left-wing psyop, right? Does this woman know what she could do by tweeting front row ERAs tickets to anyone who frees up a spot on the Supreme Court winky face?
Starting point is 00:37:53 Because she could. Who will? She could. Yeah, right. And by the way, this theory, it's not just spreading with random idiots on Telegram or whatever. It's also spreading with, well, known idiots on telegram or whatever it's also spreading with well known idiots on telegram like gop presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy at least he was a candidate when he posted the following he said quote i wonder who's gonna win the super bowl and i wonder if
Starting point is 00:38:18 there's a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped up couple this fall just some wild speculation over here let's see how it ages over the next eight months end quote jesus okay all right okay here's the thing though according to your side we already stole the election right if we can just steal elections why the fuck would we rig an nfl season to mildly amplify an endorsement your conspiracy theories conflict with both reality and non-reality now yeah you're starting a new timeline buddy so obviously the deep state psyop with george soros making taylor swift into a winter soldier was a great move and we crushed it. But here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:39:07 You can't rig the NFL. That's nonsense. That's absurd. You'd need cooperation from so many people, including a bunch of highly paid professional athletes, many of whom are even more insanely competitive than I am. Here's just one example of the many ridiculous moments that would need to be staged. And this is from the article at Politico.
Starting point is 00:39:30 Quote, what are we supposed to believe? That in a key moment against the Chiefs in the championship game, a crisis actor depicting Baltimore Ravens receiver Zay Flowers fumbled just short of the end zone in a perfectly choreographed simulacrum of a receiver reaching the ball toward the goal line and getting it punched out by a desperate defender. Make sure you bounce it right, Zay. It's that times a thousand, thousand, thousand to make that happen. Yeah. And with the reminder that this remains true even when George Soros doesn't enter into your the NFL is rigged hypothesis, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night.
Starting point is 00:40:08 Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll be done with the out-salt portion of this program. As we said last week, the Vulgarity for Charity segment we recorded with Tom and Cecil had so much vulgarity in it, it couldn't fit into a single episode, no matter how hard we crammed it. So without further ado, we're going to rejoin the chunk you missed out on already in progress. Well, if that's what the buzzer, it means it's time for another Spightning Round. So today's category is
Starting point is 00:40:45 Terrible Friends and the Family Plan. For each roastie, I want to know what's the ringtone when these people call, assuming that they're not already blocked. First up, Justin's cousin, Eric. Eli, have at him. Yikes.
Starting point is 00:40:58 I don't know. Maybe try that in a small town on a borrowed kazoo. You know, one of the few payments still left on it. Though Eric's such a homophobe, he probably wouldn't trust himself to kiss the devil's buzz wand,
Starting point is 00:41:11 as he calls it. And given his desire to cheat people out of their deathbed wishes, maybe it should just automatically go to voicemail. There you go. All right, next up, Julie and Rich's friend, Alan.
Starting point is 00:41:24 Oh, you mean this charming fellow who not only bought the house next to his parents without his wife knowing but he also took a picture of himself giving a thumbs up while shitting in a clothes hamper what i'm gonna talk about being blocked there you go if we're gonna do a ringtone here'm going to say blinded by the light because he's clearly revving up a deuce. All right, Noah. What about Hannah's stepfather, Pete, for Hannah and Zach? Yeah. Oh, this is a classical Christian douchebag who sucks so bad he can't even rise to the level of a cliche.
Starting point is 00:42:03 He falls short of some of my best friends are black with. Well, I hired some black people, though. Right. He falls short of hating the sin and loving the sinner by just like, OK, but I hate the sin more. It's that kind of shit. He's a loser and a bigot in such equal proportions that he almost fails at bigotry. And the ringtone is going to be the same thing you'd hear if you answered it. It's going to be white noise. Thank you. Oh, good. All right. hear if you answered it it's gonna be white noise thank you so good all right so next up nine-fingered lesbians biological dad heath okay so i learned about this piece of shit bio dad
Starting point is 00:42:36 in a 10 000 word dissertation email with footnotes that was almost over when it said, oh yeah, he also shot my dog. Holy shit, I almost forgot. It's so far down on his list of offenses that I almost forgot. Those are exact words from the email. And we also got a picture showing a mustache and mullet combo that is banned by the Geneva Conventions. I'm quite sure. He looks like an El Camino was a person.
Starting point is 00:43:07 It's the reverse of the El Camino. So for the ringtone of nine-figured lesbian's bio dad, it's the sound of an eyeball being removed very slowly and deservedly by a finger stump, I would say. There you go. I like it. I know just where you can capture that sound. And last but not least, we have
Starting point is 00:43:28 Andrew's sister-in-law, Debra. Is there anything more forgettable than Debra? A hypocrite to be sure and a holder of values only when they are convenient. What is she then but a symptom of a larger cancer? Debra is a familial tumor,
Starting point is 00:43:43 an error in the machine. She feeds off the capillaries of kindness so she can metastasize throughout the lives of otherwise good and decent people. She is a biohazard, a living waste not yet excised and discarded, a piece of meat of no purpose or value,
Starting point is 00:44:00 a mistake made animate. She is not yet cut out, but she will be. and when she is cut out and cut off she will behave as all cancers do once removed from her host she will wither to nothing remembered only as something vile we celebrated destroying oh and her ringtone is that chirp that those old next telephones make that everyone hated and no one uses anymore. Cancer, you're right. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:44:28 Absolutely. All right. So that's it for the spikening round. Coming up next, we have a truly terrifying round. These people are Republicans. Eli. You're up first. Jim wants a roast of failed Washington Secretary of State candidate, Brad Klippert. Okay, I'm just pointing out that if someone hadn't
Starting point is 00:44:47 timefully misplaced these roasts, we wouldn't know the fate of so many of these Republicans. Oh, it's a good thing. A lot of these have aged like a fine wine. Uh-huh. Huh?
Starting point is 00:45:00 Huh? No. No. I don't know why. I thought we were going to go around the world or something alright Brad Clipper looks like get a quick hands up vote
Starting point is 00:45:12 Brad Clipper looks like Lex Luther was smart about everything except his creatine consumption he looks like Mr. Clean who never came to grips with his homosexuality alright Noah this next one is definitely yours which Mr. Clean, who never came to grips with his homosexuality. All right. Noah, this next one is definitely yours, which, can I just say, a lot of fun stuff has happened.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Krista would like a roast of Brian Kemp. Okay, so Brian Kemp has managed to make it to 60 years old. Oh, you're right. That would have been 59 last year. This would have fucked it all up. See this? He managed to make it to 60 years old without ever losing that petulant look of somebody who's only there because mom said we had to
Starting point is 00:45:48 bring him. He looks like the exception to the anti-bullying campaign. After the assembly, they trot him out like as an asterisk and they're like, well, but some kids do need spit in their ear. Obviously, we're not talking about those kids.
Starting point is 00:46:03 Exactly. And when you look at the way his half-ass, unbuttered mashed potato of a human being could beat somebody as clearly overqualified and over-intellected and over-temperamented as a Stacey Abrams compared to this asshole,
Starting point is 00:46:18 you realize that the only reason he isn't the poster child for white privilege is that we don't want to have to put his ugly ass on a fucking poster. Tom, you're up next. James from Wichita wants you to roast billionaire GOP mega donor
Starting point is 00:46:34 Charles Koch. You guys know the phrase money can't buy you happiness? That is bullshit. Of course money can buy you happiness. If you don't believe me try paying your rent with 80 cents in your bank account and then try with 80 grand in your bank account now let's take a quick happiness survey afterwards and compare but what money cannot buy how the
Starting point is 00:46:54 fuck do you get 80 grand in a bank account that doesn't even make sense what you cannot buy what money cannot buy is decency what money cannot buy is goodness what money can't buy is empathy or understanding. It cannot buy a moral compass. Money can make you a happier person, but it cannot make you a better person or a smarter person. And there is no better exemplar of the failing of money than Charles Koch,
Starting point is 00:47:20 who seems hell-bent on proving the limitations of wealth on personal growth to anyone and everyone who cares to see it. And Charles, we all see it. But there's also one other thing that money cannot buy, and that is one extra day of life on this planet. And at 88 years old, Charles Koch will soon be gone. And while the devastating impact of his myopic cruelty will take decades to counter, what is also certain is that after all of it is said and done, after all the checks and bargains and backroom deals, after all the manipulation and bribes, no matter how great a mausoleum he is entombed within, he will never be missed for a single moment of a single day.
Starting point is 00:48:00 All right. So Cecil Dev T wants a roast of Missouri Senator Eric Schmidt. Okay. If peaked in high school was a person, it would be Eric Schmidt. If you get stuck in an elevator going more than one floor with this guy, he's going to regale you with the time he threw the touchdown pass in 11th grade.
Starting point is 00:48:21 This is the guy that will introduce a bill to congratulate a college football team in his state for winning a bowl full of cotton, but will also vote for a government shutdown. I realize you don't think much of government because you think its purpose is giving handjobs to 19-year-olds that threw an oblong ball gooder than everybody else. But if that's the pinnacle of public service, what the fuck do we need you for? We can congratulate a sports team and not give you $3,500 a week, fuckface. Alright, Heath,
Starting point is 00:48:58 you're going to close out the Republicans with a roast of Tommy Tuberville for Dave, Dee, and Jake. Great choice. A lot of things happened since 2022. A lot of this material. Just to be clear,
Starting point is 00:49:10 Tommy Tuberville, not the guy from The Music Man I learned recently. He just has a stupid name that sounds like he is. He's actually a U.S. Senator, but, you know, easy to get confused by that.
Starting point is 00:49:20 He's not the guy who conned a bunch of small-town rubes from Iowa into giving him money for a band. He's the guy guy who conned a bunch of small town rubes from Iowa into giving him money for a band. He's the guy who did that in Alabama for an election. He also did that in Alabama, Texas and Ohio for football as a college football coach. And just now I named his entire career. He's a United States senator and his prior experience is coaching brain injury ball he is dunning tuber personified
Starting point is 00:49:53 tommy t i know you're listening i'm assuming you're not a big fan of scathing atheist but it's physically impossible that you're not hearing this thanks to the space program satellite dishes on either side of your face that you call ears. You're picking up anything within a five galaxy radius. Your face looks like a Diablo juggling toy. It's insane. It really does. Also, you're a Christian right lunatic
Starting point is 00:50:19 who's preventing the US military from promoting anyone because you're mad about abortion. And I guess I get it. Like, if you personally ever impregnate someone, they're going to shut that down right the fuck away for many reasons. One being those ears would ruin a vagina, even at newborns. I searched for you on Google Images, and this is real. Google responded with Tommy Tuberville ears?
Starting point is 00:50:47 According to an extremely advanced piece of software that knows most of the information that has ever existed. You're more qualified for a niche only fans than you are for your current job. So go do that. I'll even set it up for you. We're going to call it Eustachian
Starting point is 00:51:06 Tuberville and we're going to put so many things in there. So many. Oh, captain, my captain. Yes, right. I'm standing on my desk. I am standing on my desk right now. Alright, well that's going to bring us for the round
Starting point is 00:51:22 known as whatever's left on the list. It's called potpourri. Let's start with a request from White Chocolate Temptation who wants a roast of Kent Hovind. Cecil, he's all yours. All right. Kent Hovind looks like Dark Universe Richie Cunningham. There is no way in that alternate dimension that he makes Apollo 13 because there are no other gods before the one he stole from Jewish people. This is a guy who believes in creationism and thinks everyone is a perfect creation of God.
Starting point is 00:51:50 And at the same time, he is clearly the product of millions of years worth of evolution of leaky assholes. You can't look at this dead-eyed thing who has a single piece of dental floss with separating his eye sockets and thing yep perfect being sculpted that yeah made in his image all right eli this was for you kathleen wants a roast of people who are ableist against neurodivergent people
Starting point is 00:52:18 yeah and sometimes those people have problems with spreadsheets because of their depression. Alright, Kathleen, look, I appreciate your kindness, but let's talk about the monsters for who they are. Let's name names and say what they're doing, because they're listening to this podcast, Kathleen, and if we don't say it, their reign of terror will never end. I'm talking, of course,
Starting point is 00:52:42 about people who turn on the big light. What the fuck is wrong with those people? about people who turn on the big light. What the fuck is wrong with those people? Yes, the big light. Thank you. No illusions. Despite the perfectly acceptable directional lamps placed in and around the homes, you normo divergence, as we call you behind your back, rain down the power of the sun like
Starting point is 00:53:00 you're trying to grow weed in the living room. And Kathleen and I and all the neurologically spicy brethren are tired of it damn tired thank you okay normo divergent would be not norm right wouldn't it okay i think he just did a racism get him all right no back to you howard would like a roast of robocallers. Okay. So robocallers are going to be the dumbest thing that ever took down a once thriving civilization and all. But despite that, the thing that bothers me most about them
Starting point is 00:53:33 is that little, oh, hello, I didn't see you there bullshit that they do at the beginning, right? Where they're like trying to trick you into thinking it's a person and there's just a bad connection or hello, what? Motherfucker, if you don't open with sorry to just unexpectedly call you on the phone like an insane person or a fucking time traveler from the 80s, I know you're not a human fucking being on a regular fucking call. You're not phoning me.
Starting point is 00:54:00 I'm going to hang up on you right away. So you might as well we add a baby. It's a boy, whatever you're trying to say up on you right away. So you might as well. We had a baby. It's a boy. Whatever you're trying to say and not dick around with your hello. Hello. Bullshit. That's all I'm saying. And Heath,
Starting point is 00:54:16 Kevin wants a roast of the very concept of health insurance. Okay, fantastic. So let's just think about the business model. They're a bookie who offers a bad bet on your personal grievous bodily harm or death they take your money for that bet and with their guaranteed profit they do mostly one of two things one they line the pockets of mba douchebags who say the word synergy and those people should all die during a televised lottery i think we all agree or two they spend a bunch of that money to hire people whose entire job is preventing you from ever getting the product
Starting point is 00:54:52 that they sell to you right yes they're like a casino but they also hire a team of fucking ninjas to swoop down on a rope and steal your first six thousand dollars and there's also a team of rabid honey badgers that just run around grabbing your chips off the table and throwing them everywhere. And if you manage to have any chips left, they hire bridge trolls to make you figure out
Starting point is 00:55:16 riddles when you want to cash out your chips. And they make you get your answers notarized in triplicate, and then you have to mimeograph it on a machine that doesn't exist. And if you reinvent the mimeograph and on a machine that doesn't exist. And if you reinvent the mimeograph and build one at home and come back
Starting point is 00:55:28 with the right paperwork, the bridge troll's like, oh yeah, cool. You did everything right. Just one last thing. What's 13 divided by 52? It's a percent. And you're like,
Starting point is 00:55:37 oh, it's one fourth. It's 25%. And they're like, yeah. So apparently doing math is a pre-existing condition you already had. So your poker winnings actually don't count. And then you try to marry a lady in Canada. That's how that business works.
Starting point is 00:55:54 That's the whole thing. Failed, by the way. They're in the evil version of a casino. Think about that. Right? All right, Tom. You're going to close off the potpourri round. Right?
Starting point is 00:56:04 All right, Tom, you're going to close off the potpourri round. A Seattle Exmo would like a roast of a Mormon apostle, David A. Bednar. David A. Bednar is somewhat famous for once getting shitty because one time, gird your loins, boys, his wife once almost stood up before he did. Well, that's right. She nearly, but did not, stand up before him. And that is all that it took. Imagine being so fragile,
Starting point is 00:56:32 so incredibly, preciously delicate, that if a woman stood up before you, your entire worldview and church authority is suddenly falling down around you. Imagine a level of insecurity so overwhelming, so deep and true and perfect that you have achieved a sort of platonic ideal of toxic
Starting point is 00:56:53 masculinity. That dainty little soul is now one of the leaders of the Mormon cult corporation, and he will spend his entire flimsy existence pledging allegiance to one of the most patently stupid religious ideologies to have ever emerged from within its magic hat, blinking stupidly into the light of day. That is a competitive field for that competition. Yeah, it is. So next time you see David,
Starting point is 00:57:18 here's what we should all do. Pull out his chair for him. Hold open his door. Hold out his coat for him. Maybe grab his ass a little. Make emasculation bingo cards. And let's see who can make him cry first. And who can make him cry second. Yes.
Starting point is 00:57:35 And 35th. Let's just make him cry forever. There you go. Forever. And on that note, I'm going to clumsily cut back in. I'm going to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for their help with the fundraiser. And I'm going to assure you that there's still plenty more vulgarity for charity to come. Before we turn in for the night, I want to remind everybody that we're only about three weeks away from Godolphin Movies Live in Orlando, Florida.
Starting point is 00:58:00 We're going to be breaking down an anti-Disney movie made by the Catholic League. And general admission tickets are still available at GodolphinMoviesLive.com or by going to the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Data, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't count if I didn't thank Heath Enright for being
Starting point is 00:58:26 the best Eli Bosnick for also being the best and Lucinda illusions for being even better. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil again for having joined us last week. So fucking hard that it wouldn't fit into a single episode. I also want to thank RJ for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, best of luck on the career switch and the uninvolved monkeys that you're clearly dealing with. But most of all,
Starting point is 00:58:41 of course I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals, Andrew hot Dixon, rice, Tanya thrown scowder and Jeff, Mike, David, Norgrove, of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals, Andrew Hot Dixon, Rice, Tanya, Thron Scaldoran, Jeff, Mike, David, Norgrove, Noggy, and Alex. Andrew, Dixon, Tanya, and Thron Scaldoran, who are so hot they should all be named after lava flows, Jeff, Mike, and David, whose condoms are the backup plan
Starting point is 00:58:55 if the Goodyear blimp ever can't go, and Norgrove, Noggy, and Alex, who are so bright their IQs are measured in lumens. Together, these ten enviable envoys of intelligence enabled our enervations of the enemy's entitlement this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to do that,
Starting point is 00:59:08 but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll win a real access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button
Starting point is 00:59:16 on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving your money for the inevitable downfall of civilization, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review,
Starting point is 00:59:22 telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. Additional writing for this episode was provided by Mike Schuster and Andrea Romano, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact
Starting point is 00:59:35 info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. oh by all means morgan send me all of that the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2024 all rights reserved

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