The Scathing Atheist - 573: Swifty Boat Edition
Episode Date: February 8, 2024In this week’s episode, reaping what you sow is anti-Catholic persecution, the NFL sets up a really dumb script with a small market team as the protagonist, and Tom and Cecil will be back with all t...he vulgarity you missed last week. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: scathingnews@gmail.com To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: The headlines Noah mentioned in the diatribe: https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/religious-people-coped-better-with-covid-19-pandemic-research-suggests and https://religionnews.com/2024/02/02/study-spirituality-boosts-mental-health-during-isolation-and-despair/ Threat of Satanic school halts repeal of Idaho’s Blaine Amendment: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-proposed-satanic-school-helped Conservatives lose their minds over Jesus as a scantily clad white twink on a poster: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2024/02/conservatives-lose-their-minds-over-jesus-as-a-scantily-clad-white-twink-on-a-poster/ Abortion protestors convicted of doing what they were doing The Catholic version: Six Pro-Life Activists Convicted of Federal FACE Act Charges, Face Over a Decade in Prison| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) The DOJ version: Office of Public Affairs | Six Defendants Convicted of Federal Civil Rights Conspiracy and Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act Offenses for Obstructing Access to Reproductive Health Services in Tennessee | United States Department of Justice Arizona bill would ban Satanic displays on public property: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/arizona-bill-would-ban-satanic-displays Mom banned from christian school parking lot because of onlyfans decal: https://www.cbsnews.com/miami/news/central-florida-mom-banned-from-dropping-off-kids-at-school-because-of-onlyfans-decal/ Christian Right conspiracy theories about Taylor Swift reach new heights ahead of Super Bowl: https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/01/31/taylor-swift-conspiracy-theories-gop-00138817 https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/taylor-swift-far-right-maga-relationship-timeline-1234957784/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Misogyny ensues on Orthodox radio show: https://religionnews.com/2024/02/05/orthodox-christian-radio-hosted-a-broadcast-on-deaconesses-then-misogyny-poured-in/ Glitter Unicorns: https://www.facebook.com/sowalball/posts/pfbid02x8Rbha6tXxJgzEQm3DBEYYEewMdNQyA3Eg9WV1eS7EfDeVH7c8msYRSyGwJ1BBFRl
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Warning, this shit's got fuck in it.
This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve,
and by the new VR headset for Christians, the Chapel Vision Pro.
When you wear it, all the worldly evidence that your religion is wrong is automatically scrubbed from view,
allowing you to move freely and confidently through the world without losing your faith.
Chapel Vision Pro.
It's just a blindfold.
And now, The Sc Skating Atheist.
Hey everybody, it's RJ.
You last heard from me when I was working full-time as a paramedic pre-COVID
and said that we evolved from filthy monkey people.
Well, I now work in business development
and I can confirm that some of us, at least,
did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.
It's February 8th.
And it's Proposed Day.
Okay. Weird way to get out of Valentine's Day, but respect the game. Okay.
Sure, yeah. I'm Snow Illusions.
I'm Eli Bosnick.
I'm Heath Enright.
And from Snooki's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.
On this week's episode, reaping what you sow is anti-Catholic persecution.
The NFL sets up a really dumb script with a small market team as the protagonist.
And Tom and Cecil will be back with all the vulgarity you missed last week.
But first, the diatribe.
When you're doing science, the questions you ask matter, as do the questions that you don't ask.
Like, for example, I came across the study this week that was hamstrung by the fact that the researchers failed to ask,
hey, are we a bunch of ridiculous fuckholes so buried in motivated reasoning with our heads so far up our asses
that we can't think objectively?
And because they failed to ask that simple question,
we're now inundated with dumbass headlines
like this one from the religious news services.
Quote, study, spirituality boosts mental health
during isolation and despair.
And the even more egregious quote,
religious people coped better with COVID-19 pandemic,
research suggests, end quote.
And that's from no less than the University
at goddamn Cambridge's website.
Now, to be clear, neither the study nor the research
suggested either of those things.
The researchers suggested that,
but only because of the aforementioned incuriosity as to the location of their heads in relation to the interiors of their rectums.
I mean, religious people were more likely to die of COVID than their non-religious counterparts.
Right, Silex? It's pretty fucking hard to argue they coped better with the pandemic unless your metric is how quickly they freed up their hospital beds.
unless your metric is how quickly they freed up their hospital beds.
Religiosity made people less likely to get vaccinated,
less likely to respect lockdown orders,
less likely to trust public health experts.
In no possible way did they cope better with the pandemic.
But only 4.3% of religious people told a rando on the phone that they felt miserable during the pandemic
compared to 6.1% of non-religious people.
So, you know, they've got enough math to at least claim otherwise in a headline.
And yes, all their data is that fucking dumb.
There are actually three different studies that are being talked about in these two stories that I referenced.
And they're all the same motivated reasoning bullshit that fails to account for really
basic confounding variables.
One comes to us from a group called the Fetzer Institute.
This is a group whose president and CEO describes their whole reason for being as, quote, belief
that faith and spirituality are essential to human flourishing, end quote.
Despite that claim being demonstrably false. But yeah, these guys surveyed 3,000
Americans and they asked them about religion and how they cope with COVID. And what do you know,
the people who belong to the group that tells them that mental illness is a personal shortcoming and
actively discourages its members from seeking psychiatric help reported less mental illness.
It's so weird. Of course, the survey didn't
account for the single obvious variable that always dooms these studies. That is membership.
Right? See, these studies, they always show religious people live longer or they suffer
less or they're happier, whatever. But when you separate out churchgoers from religious
non-churchgoers, you're going to find that those advantages only accrue to the churchgoers. And then when you compare those churchgoers to secular people
who belong to literally any group that meets at least once a month, why suddenly you see the
advantages across the board. I mean, yeah, people who were part of religious organizations that met
regularly probably did cope with the isolation of COVID better. But it's not because they were religious. It's because they were less isolated. There's literally no need for further explanation.
They had a larger community to draw from. But not only did these bullshit surveys fail to
acknowledge that answer, they didn't even account for it. And by the way, this is not some fucking
secret that's been baffling science for ages until I just now puzzled it out in this diatribe.
You need be only mildly familiar with the literature on this subject to be aware of this common confound.
I know that because I'm only mildly familiar with the literature on this subject.
If any of the people involved in any of these surveys had any real interest in answering the fundamental question of how religion and spirituality affected people during the lockdown,
they would have accounted for this shit.
And they'd have at least acknowledged somewhere in their press releases that
religion was heavily correlated with vaccine hesitancy,
conspiracy thinking,
embrace of alternative therapies,
et cetera.
But that's not the fucking point.
The point is to gather up a bunch of numbers that look like data.
If you promise not to put your glasses on and use it to pretend that religion serves a function.
Hell, in the Fetzer study, they say the data, quote, shows that spirituality is like a vaccine, inoculating people against isolation and despair.
No, no, fuck it, doesn't it?
Slightly less bullshit study out of Cambridge concluded that religious faith might, quote, build resilience and help people cope with adversity by providing hope, consolation and meaning in tumultuous times, end quote.
Give me a fucking break.
And look, I get that neither of those are much of an endorsement, even if they were true. The ability to pretend you're a fuzzy pony living in the land of Hugville would probably do the same shit.
And I don't think
many people would recommend it regardless even fewer would pretend that that made it true
but somehow that's the best religious researchers can manage even when they rig the system to get
their favorite outcome and for some fucking reason legitimate news outlets are still willing to play along.
They're talking about you, Jesus.
I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin.
Joining me for headlines tonight are the hard and harder to my heart with a vengeance Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas.
Are you ready to fight back?
Just head over to 4hymns.com slash hard with a vengeance.
But seriously, guys, I think I should take this sandwich
board off. All that's happened is I got
invited on Joe Rogan. I don't know.
Right. Well, now I have
to figure out how to bleep a sandwich board.
So while I do that, we're going to pause for a word from this
week's sponsor, Adam and Eve.
Hey, podcast
listener. You know, there are a lot of
benefits to being an atheist. You're
wrong about one less question. You're exponentially less likely a lot of benefits to being an atheist. You're wrong about one less
question. You're exponentially less likely to believe in other stupid ideas. But perhaps most
beneficial of all, you get to have sex with whatever consenting adults that you want to.
That's right. Whether you're a lifelong anti-theist or you just deconverted as your
New Year's resolution, one thing that puts us head and shoulders above the believers is fuck stuff. But if you're new to that kind of freedom of fuck stuff,
where to get started can be confusing. Where do I buy sex stuff? Is the UPS man actually just
bringing me a package? Is my sweet, sweet bod an appropriate way to pay for pizza? Okay, well,
we can't answer those latter two questions, but we can tell you the answer to the first one.
Okay, well, we can't answer those latter two questions,
but we can tell you the answer to the first one.
Get your fuck stuff at adamandeve.com.
adamandeve.com is a sex and sex work positive LGBTQ friendly online superstore for whatever you're into.
Sex toys, dress up stuff, lube, protection, and more.
And this Valentine's Day, when you go to adamandeve.com
and select almost any one item, you'll get it at 50% off.
Almost any item.
But that's not all.
When you select your one item, you'll also get free shipping.
So head on over to adamandeve.com and be sure to use offer code SCATHING.
Again, that's S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G.
SCATHING.
That's SCATHING at adamandeve.com.
Have a happy Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day. The holiday that atheists are winning by a country mile.
You sure are, Noah.
You sure are.
And now, back to the headlines.
In our lead story tonight, look, nothing of particular importance has ever or will ever happen in Idaho.
It's not geographically possible so it's kind of
weird to devote the lead story to something that happened in idaho let alone something that didn't
happen in idaho which is actually what this story is about but it's kind of an awesome story about
how one person can make a real difference in our fight so damn it that's going to be our lead so
yeah in our lead story tonight idaho did not move to repeal the amendment of their state constitution that
prevents taxpayer money from funding religious schools last tuesday and while that's also true
of all the other days this is the first time that i'm aware of when they didn't do it because a
satanist was threatening to soak up some of those funds for a satanic elementary school
okay you gotta love it when you can hold them hostage by threatening other magic.
Because they think magic is real.
And we're like, no, we'll do our other magic.
And they're scared.
They're like kids playing with toy guns, except way less aware.
We're like, hey, that gets you.
And they're like, yeah, it does.
Yeah, I got your Jesus in a headlock.
So then they bleed out on the ground for us.
Yeah.
Honestly, it might be worth the Senate declaring that they're rubber and Republicans are glue at this
point. Like, have we tried it? We should try it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So the provision we're
talking about is what's called a Blaine Amendment. It's named for a proposed constitutional amendment
that failed to get into the U.S. Constitution, but made its way into 37 state constitutions,
including, of course, Idaho. Well, Idaho lawmakers recently proposed House Joint Resolution 1,
which would repeal the amendment and clear the way for tax dollars to go to sectarian schools.
And on this past Tuesday, they held a hearing before the House State Affairs Committee,
wherein one of the speakers was a non-theistic Satanist by the name of Rowan Astra.
Fuck yeah, they were.
Yep, right?
She spoke in tongue-in-cheek support of the repeal saying she quote looks forward to the
opportunity to be able to start a satanic k through 12 performing arts school and being
able to have access to the same funds that any other religious school would have end quote this
is great actually we've had the teachers bringing their own fetal offerings for the cauldron and
like the spells are barely,
we can't do an evil spell.
It just barely fizzles out.
Usually this is awesome.
Okay.
This is great.
But here's the thing,
Satanist performing arts school,
you got to commit to the bit.
Okay.
Like I need everyone
to be uncomfortable
around Christmas time.
Right.
Right.
A lot of whispers
between parents
about how heavy handed
you're being,
you know,
you got to D up.
You got to D up.
Now,
obviously Rowan wouldn't really be able to access the funds,
but she did raise the specter of non-Christian schools getting in on the action.
So when a right-wing attorney who supported the law spoke next,
Republican State Representative Vito Barbieri felt the need to clarify.
He asked her in her legal opinion if the law would, quote,
result in equal distribution of public funds
to Satanists and other
what we might call
fringe religious beliefs and
organizations, end quote.
Jewish. Right, yeah.
Thank you. That's what I was going to say.
And then the lawyer, she kind of had to
hem and haw and she danced around
saying, well, technically, yes, but we're
obviously going to discriminate against them for several minutes but but the key is that her answer wasn't
no and that was plenty to give barbieri pause all right i really thought you'd have some like
airtight bigot language there lawyer like ready to go do your fucking job what is your job i'm
honestly surprised the lawyer wasn't like oh sorry we're going to discriminate against minority
religions sorry the court reporter was blowing her, sorry, we're going to discriminate against minority religions. Sorry, the court reporter was blowing her nose. I said, we're going to discriminate
against minority religions. Okay, now she's got it. Yeah, right. So look, the attempt isn't dead,
but the guy who sponsored the legislation said he was pausing his efforts until he could get
answers on some technical questions. And then he refused to elaborate on what those technical
questions are, which makes the odds of getting the answers
way lower, I think.
So this fight will continue,
but at least for the moment,
it was brought to a screeching halt
by one activist who had the guts to speak up
at a public meeting.
So well done.
Excellent work.
And in Spanish Sinquisition news,
an artist in Spain
created a depiction of Jesus Christ that was unexpected.
Anna?
What are the guys talking about?
It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout.
That's right.
We have a full-on freakout by conservative Catholics in Spain
with, you know, delightful Castilian accents that make the freakout extra adorable.
And it's all thanks to the unveiling of a new
piece by renowned painter Celestiano Garcia, who was commissioned by the Council of Brotherhoods
in Sevilla to make a poster of the Lord and Savior to help promote the city's big Easter
celebration. It's just a basic depiction of, well, you know, the apocryphal white Jesus, but the out-freakers are pretty sure
that Jesus is being gay in the picture, I think. Yes, right. They're like, look, there's a level
of fuckability that's unseemly in this. What are we, a bunch of Mormons over here? Come on,
come on. And a big thanks to Allison for the link, scathingnewsgmail.com. So I'll start by describing the work itself.
Again, it's just the standard white guy Jesus with long hair and a beard.
And he's topless.
And he's got a loincloth held up by a belt.
Very typical of almost all the European artwork of Jesus throughout history.
Except the blood and gore of the crucifixion is actually minimal in the new one.
But I mentioned a bunch of homophobic responses.
So you're probably wondering, where's the guy he's blowing in the poster and who is it?
The answer is nowhere and nobody.
He's standing there alone, but gaily, according to the crazy people.
If I had to guess, maybe here's the part where it gets sexual for them.
And this is pretty rough.
You might want to sit down for this.
The way the fabric
is held by his belt,
you can see a small amount
of his outer thigh
on both legs.
His outer thighs,
the both.
Yeah, look,
the reason they think it's gay
is because they want to jerk off
to this picture, right?
And they're damn sure not going to blame themselves for the gayness here.
I mean, look, guys, guys, look, I like to poke fun at Christians as much as you guys do.
But let's be honest here.
This is a fuckable ass Jesus.
Oh, yes.
I think we're not being honest about how hard this Jesus is obviously asking for it.
I'm upset by it.
I'm upset by it.
I mean, but compared to other ones more like, yes, so much more.
You bring this up on Google Images.
You bring this up on Google Images.
I have it up right now.
I'm looking right at it.
It's NSFW.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Well, just for the record, the artist seems to be a genuine, devout Catholic guy who made a nice painting and then he got yelled at by crazy people.
According to the artist, Mr. Garcia, there's nothing revolutionary in my painting.
All the elements have been used in the last seven centuries in sacred art.
I don't see at what point, at what element, people who don't like it, don't like it.
And then he added the
best part he explained how his son was the model for the painting and he added to see sexuality in
my image you must be sick okay all right i love what you're doing here man but fucking bullshit
there's no way your jesus painting got that fuckable by accident. Yeah, now I'm worried for your son, if anything.
Also, I think you're underestimating the things I can see sexuality in, sir.
I've had to throw away pears for being too juicy, sir.
You don't know.
Okay.
You don't know what I'm capable of.
We're really siding with the Spanish Catholics on this one.
The conservatives.
Look, once in a while.
Crazy days make strange bedfellows, Heath.
It's a fuckable Jesus.
You see it, I see it. Allfellows, Heath. It's a fuckable Jesus.
You see it, I see it.
All right.
Well, one other thing.
Just for the record, Spanish Catholic people who love this podcast and are listening,
you're probably enjoying this story so far.
Here's the thing, though.
Maybe Jesus was gay or bi.
Just fucking deal with it. He spent a bunch of time walking around with his hippie bros,
doing close-up magic
and washing each other's
quote, feet.
That sounds like
a really nice gay time.
Embrace it.
Yeah.
Or don't.
He's just a guy.
None of this matters.
Your entire worldview
is based on nothing
that matters.
Yep.
It's true.
It's true.
And in consequences
of your faction's news.
Some of you might not know this,
but way back in 2019,
I learned about an ICE office here in New York City
in a high rise in Manhattan.
The office in particular was pretending
to offer college scholarships to undocumented kids
in order to entrap and deport them.
So I, along with a friend,
founded and ran a short-lived civil disobedience group called
Close the Camps NYC.
And that summer, we arranged four large-scale acts of civil disobedience against the office.
And I'm proud to say we achieved our goal.
Office lost its lease in the building.
No longer any ICE offices operating that sting in Manhattan.
And in said disobedience, I was arrested and cited for disorderly conduct twice,
which is standard, by the way. It's not like I was extra rowdy during the arrest or anything.
And look, I'm proud to say I have both those citations pinned to the side of my refrigerator
because, and it's right there in the title, that's the point of civil disobedience. You break the law
to protest something, and then you absorb the
consequences of those laws as part of your protest. Unless, of course, you're an anti-abortion loon,
in which case you freak out and cry oppression the second there are consequences for the thing
you did. And that is exactly what happened this week when six pro-life protesters were convicted
of blocking the entrance to an abortion clinic.
It's so weird that the religion
where you can reach moral absolution
by saying sorry to yourself
is bad at accepting the consequences
of their actions, isn't it?
Right?
So weird.
I'm just picturing Jesus on the cross
being like,
am I being detained right now?
This is persecution.
You will be hearing from Matt Staver
and Liberty Council.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, so first off, big thanks to Brian for sending us this story to scat Liberty Council. Yes, exactly. Yeah.
So first off, big thanks to Brian for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. Sending us the latest news to scathingnews at gmail.com is an act of righteous protest
you can do without any legal risk whatsoever.
You can even do it naked.
We'll never tell.
Anyway, back in 2021, six Christian idiots formed a sad little bigot blockade at the
Carafem Health Center Clinic in Mount Juliet, Tennessee. Now, there is no question that they
did this. There's a video of it on the internet that you can watch right now. Also, no question
they were involved with Greg Locke, who has a church that's about three miles away from this
blockade. he sure does.
Right.
But unlike my civil disobedience, which just made an underpaid lobby security guard really want to kick me in the nuts, the Christian idiots violated the Freedom of Access to Clinic
Entrances Act or FACE Act, which prohibits, quote, violent, threatening, damaging and
obstructive conduct intended to injure, intimidate, or
interfere with the right to seek, obtain, or provide reproductive health services, end quote.
And I just want to note here that I find the setup for a fuck your face act joke way too convenient,
he said, right? Are you Bill Clinton who signed this law in in 1994. You have to tell us. It's like being a cop. Okay. Well, what do you mean by it is like?
Anyways, as I mentioned, much to the shock and dismay of Catholics everywhere,
this sinister six were convicted of doing the thing they did in federal court last week.
And they are now each facing up to a maximum of 10 and a half years in prison three years of
supervised release and fines of up to 260 000 which i don't know about you sounds a lot like
real consequences so they are outraged and they do not see the irony no they do not well right i
mean this is way harder on abortion opponents because they have to see the prison sentences all the way through to full term.
Right. Early release is murder.
Yeah. And a miscarriage of justice is no excuse.
Exactly. Yeah. Right.
So Steve Crampton, a lawyer with the Thomas More Society, we've talked about them quite a bit on this show and attorney for one of the defendants said in a press release afterwards,
quote,
this was a peaceful demonstration by entirely peaceable citizens
filled with prayer,
hymns singing in worship,
oriented towards persuading,
expecting mothers
not to abort their babies.
We did our crime with a song.
Doesn't count.
Literally, yeah.
Unfortunately,
the Biden Department of Justice decided to characterize Paul Vaughn's peaceful actions as a felony conspiracy against rights to intimidate and punish Paul and other pro-life people and people of faith.
End quote by that guy's lawyer who lost.
Oh, my God.
You know, you know who I would love to have as president?
It's whoever the fuck
these idiots think Joe Biden is.
That guy sounds awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Yeah, also stop going
to the fucking prayer breakfast
reel, Joe Biden.
You know he was just there
for the breakfast.
Shut that down.
That's not a government event.
You know Joe Bo loves breakfast, Heath.
Can't keep that guy from a waffle.
Have pancakes whenever you want, man.
And look, I would love to tell you
these knuckle fuckers are going to face some jail time,
but this is America
and they are almost certainly
going to wriggle out of this
through some theocratic bullshit
at the appellate court or the...
Hell, back in September,
Republicans tried and failed
to repeal the FACE Act.
So who knows how long this shit is even going to be extra illegal.
Whatever the case, these assholes are sad right now.
And anytime that happens, I'm going to take it as an excuse to celebrate.
All right.
And quick, bask in the afterglow of victory while you can,
because we're about to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.
A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants one if it's a legitimate rate you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in misogyny
sometimes it's not just about the progress you make it's about how you make it like for example
compared to a lot of various flavors
of Christianity, Orthodox Christians are a little more progressive in terms of female clergy.
But compared to literally any non-religious institution allowed to legally exist in the U.S.,
not so much. See, women can only serve as deacons, which are the third class clergy in a three-tier
system. So they can be, at best, assistant to the regional clergy.
And they're almost always not.
Not all Orthodox congregations even have deacons.
And when they do, they're almost always exclusively male.
So even this low-level bullshit is best-case scenario.
But as we learned last week, even that is way too much for a lot of Christian misogynists.
See, some people within the church are pushing to expand the role of women,
and a few of those folks went on a radio program to try to make their case last week.
And to give you an idea just how much of an uphill battle it is to be progressive in those circles,
the broadcast was being carried by a channel called Ancient Faith Radio.
Anyway, as soon as the broadcast starts, so does the misogyny.
This is being casted on YouTube, so immediately the comments start filling up with shit like, quote,
Paul said women should stay silent because they talk too much and are too opinionated in church.
End quote.
This is a joke.
And my personal favorite, quote, deaconesses would turn the sanctuary into a brothel. End quote. This is a joke. And my personal favorite, quote, deaconesses would turn the
sanctuary into a brothel, end quote. And look, I get that these kinds of arguments can be
complicated from a feminist perspective. Like, I want to support women who would like to move
into these formally male-only positions, but the positions are who gets to help oppress women.
only positions, but the positions are who gets to help oppress women. Like the fact that there's anything controversial about this one is proof of that. So in a sense, I shouldn't support anyone
who wants to move into that position. But the only way that's going to change is by women fighting
their way into positions of power, I guess. So I'll offer them my reluctant blessing.
And there's just one other story I wanted to draw
your attention to this week, and even calling it a story might be overselling it. Normally,
I wouldn't even mention something so poorly sourced, but I saw it on social media and
thought it deserved a comment. So it's the meme that's going around wherein a male coach of a
t-ball team declines to play his all boys team against an all girls team called the glitter
unicorns because he's afraid his boys will be embarrassed to lose to them now look like i said
this is a meme could very well be fake but regardless of its veracity it represents a very
real problem that i see constantly between my generation and their kids because here's the
dirty little secret his boys team that's playing t-ball
doesn't give a sweet fuck
what the name of the girls team that beat them is.
Hell, based on the few t-ball aged boys I know,
they're probably jealous they can't be on a team
with such a cool name.
If anybody's embarrassed to lose to the glitter unicorns,
it's the coach.
And assuming it's a true story,
shame on him for trying to pawn off
his misogynistic insecurities
on a bunch of kids.
Anyway, on that note,
I'll wrap things up
and hand you back over
to Noah, Heath, and Eli.
Thank you, Lucinda.
And in Satan-baitin' news tonight,
there are a lot of reasons to believe that if and when Satan comes to Earth for the final battle against God for the souls of humanity, he's going to take up residence in Arizona.
Right. It's like it's his kind of climate. He's a big fan of Joe Arpaio, all kind of reasons. part-time fake elector, Jake Hoffman, is trying to pass a bill that states in all caps in three
different times, quote, satanic memorials, statues, altars, or displays, or any other method of
representing or honoring Satan may not be displayed on public property in this state, end quote.
Okay, fun project for any listeners in Arizona.zona set up as many christian crosses as you
can but make them so the horizontal piece can slide down and it can become an upside down
it just pops up when hoffman drives by okay no we're good we're good so yeah so thanks to
christopher who is the first one to send us this link at scathing news at gmail.com because in
addition to being a hilariously unconstitutional attempt
at a law,
it's also a hilariously
acronymed attempt
at a law.
It's called the
Reject Escalating Satanism
by Preserving Essential
Core Traditions
or Respect Act.
So stretchy.
Did I do that one?
I think I did that one
for G&D Minus.
Were you in a hurry
at the time?
Yeah, I got into my notes.
Now, among the core traditions
he's seeking to preserve here
is not, of course,
the First Fucking Amendment
because obviously
you can't just pick one religion
and exclude them
from legal protections.
I'm sorry,
you can't officially do that.
Did you hear that, Noah?
Did you hear that?
That was Brett Kavanaugh whispering the words
for now into his breakfast beer.
Yeah, it was.
But the first half of their stupid acronym
is perhaps even more telling.
Rejecting escalating Satanism.
Because look, this bill is no doubt inspired
by satanic displays that so often accompany
Christian displays in state capitol buildings.
Hoffman knows that if they ever got one erected in Arizona, he's going to be the first one to break down and get arrested for hate fucking it into a garbage can or whatever that dude in Iowa was doing.
Looks like some things in Idaho are important after all.
Ain't no illusions.
Iowa and Idaho, two different places.
Same place. Okay, another project.
Set up satanic displays
that are already
hate-fucked into garbage cans, right?
They're going to be so confused.
They don't know what to do.
Yeah, there you go.
Is this a thing for us?
Is this like an Iwo Jima for us?
Like, I won?
But this also speaks,
in addition to, like,
dealing with that Iowa-type shit,
this also speaks to the Satanic Panic 2.0 QAnon fucks that are getting assholes like Hoffman elected.
He knows his bullshit bill can't possibly pass, let alone be enforced.
But being the author of the Satan's coming to get you bill scores him political points regardless.
Yeah, great.
It's the Equal Rights Amendment of the Christian right.
That's fine.
Yeah. regardless yeah great it's the equal rights amendment of the christian right that's fine yeah yeah and quick reminder if satanic monuments on public grounds bother you there's already a
great remedy for that just remove religious monuments from them all together that's the
whole fucking point as it turns out not only is that option constitutional but one could argue
pretty convincingly that that's the only constitutional option i've yet
to hear a story about a satanic monument that wasn't in response to a christian one so to get
to where these idiots are you basically have to swerve out of the way of the point so violently
that it causes brain damage this dude is trying to rectify the problem of religious exclusion
by excluding the religion that's complaining about it is where we are.
Yeah.
And in decalamity news.
What?
A mom in Central Florida has been banned
from dropping her children off
at their private Christian school
merely because she was advertising
her small woman-owned business
on the back of her vehicle.
That business being her back of her vehicle. That business being
her OnlyFans page.
So, okay, I feel like her kid
asked them to ban her.
Also, don't let her bring
zucchini bread to the bake sale.
Just trust me.
Good idea.
All right, so first off,
big thanks to everyone
who sent us this story
to scathingnews at gmail.com.
But first was Amanda.
So, special thanks to you,
Amanda. If we had an OnlyFans page, Amanda, we would never send you a bunch of PPV messages.
You're welcome. Anyway, the Migswilf, that's mom who I guess several people would like to fuck,
goes by Piper Fawn on the website. And in spite of the decal on the back of her car, just
saying what her website is, Liberty Christian Preparatory School
has told her that her vehicle is unwelcome on campus,
forcing her to park across a busy street
and then walk her kids to school.
Ms. Fawn approached media outlets about the exclusion
because she believes it's unsafe
and would like the school to provide a crossing guard.
Right, or barring that,
just not be assholes and let her drop her fucking kids off.
You know, I bet these motherfuckers
let people with Trump bumper stickers
drop their kids off,
and that's legit obscene.
For sure.
Right?
She gets rid of the decal,
but now the entire car is a QR code.
And look, while the school has so far
refused to comment publicly on this story,
it's worth pointing out that
some people find your job offensive
is not an acceptable reason to ban someone
from the school drop-off line, right?
If I saw a zip line instructor
dropping their kid off at school,
would I complain and make them
walk across dangerous traffic for my comfort?
No.
I would bide my time till the moment was right,
and then I would mow down both parent and child to rid the world of one more zip lining
menace and they're surely evil progeny.
What is happening?
Dude, you got to tell us what happened with the zip line.
I think maybe he got stuck.
My backstory shall forever remain shrouded in mystery.
Okay.
But look, here's the point.
We report on religious school doesn't like a thing.
So they ban it stories on a pretty regular basis.
And as I usually sadly have to remind our audience, there's not a damn thing anyone
in the country can do about it because societally, we've all agreed that religion doesn't have
to have laws.
So look, I'm honestly just hoping this ends here.
I hope this lady figures out a way to get her kids to school and they don't get kicked out or banned or punished or whatever.
But when and if that happens, we'll be sure to tell you all about it and the shit we can't do to prevent it.
And finally tonight in Tinker Taylor Swizzle Spy News.
Fuck yeah!
The Illuminati secret agent Taylor Swift is scaring the fuck out of shitty people right now.
And it's delightful.
The very existence of Taylor Swift has been extremely triggering to the Christian right for a while.
And with the Super Bowl coming up, and Taylor having a relationship with one of the players in that game,
the level of insane
conspiracy theories and
panicky misogyny has gone through
the roof. The only time they
deem it acceptable to break a glass ceiling.
Exactly. Yeah. So,
sorry, the billionaire with the most AOY
Grammys in history is dating
a guy whose high school quote was the word
Chipotle and they're
worried for his. OK, not clear. So here's a quick background on the Taylor haters or taters.
TM, TM, TM. And they're going to take they're going to take. It started early in her career
when the alt right saw a white woman with some country music influence and they tried to hijack
her fame.
But that backfired when Taylor made it very clear that she is not a conservative.
Over the last several years, she's been an advocate for the Me Too movement and for Black Lives Matter and for uterine autonomy. And she's been an outspoken critic of Donald Trump.
And of course, she's a woman who's now a billionaire, which is terrifying to these people.
And of course, she's a woman who's now a billionaire, which is terrifying to these people.
On top of that, she was the Time magazine person of the year for 2023, despite Elon Musk losing way more money than Taylor Swift gained on her record setting tour.
So that was all deep state cheating or something.
Oh, also, she's a literal demon. In December, a pastor noticed that she had a cape and maybe an orb
and maybe something
that looks like
it's from the woods.
Yeah.
That's really what he said.
It is.
Oh, God.
The person of the year backlash
was the best, right?
Because it was just
a bunch of guys my age
going,
how could she be
person of the year
if she doesn't influence me?
And then slowly realizing
that the answer is
because you're not
especially relevant, and
then recording their existential crises
they had in their trucks afterwards. It was
just glorious. Hey, man, you just
wrote, this is not affecting me, in
all caps while ugly crying. You understand
how? Sure did. That doesn't make sense, right?
I do think it's weird that the deluxe
version of the new album she just announced comes
with a gun, a single bullet, and a note
that says, this is for your shitty dad. But who am I to question an artist's vision, you know?
All right. So here's the latest conspiracy theory. In order to get Joe Biden reelected,
the deep state ran the following long con. It started before Joe Biden got elected.
Smart. Always good to be ahead of these things. Good. Yeah. So George Soros tricked Taylor Swift with his tricky lizard magic or maybe just bribed
her into becoming a liberal activist. And then from there, fast forward to last September when
the Illuminati set up a relationship between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey of the Kansas City Chiefs.
This would allow the most popular musician on the planet to finally get a little publicity.
And from there, all they had to do was rig the entire NFL season to make sure the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl.
And here we are. They
nailed it. So when the Chiefs win the game, based on the script, of course, people are finally going
to know the name Taylor Swift because of her famous Super Bowl champion boyfriend. And then
she's going to endorse Joe Biden for reelection. And I fucking love this because they had to shift
over from the you can tell they were rigging it
to have the Ravens in there
because of the logo colors
conspiracy to this one.
And they did it seamlessly.
Seamlessly.
No transitions, baby.
Okay.
And to be fair,
as we talked about
in our patron exclusive extra
the other day,
I'm mad at Taylor
for not being enough
of a left-wing psyop, right?
Does this woman know what she could do by tweeting front row ERAs tickets to anyone who frees up a spot on the Supreme Court winky face?
Because she could.
Who will?
She could.
Yeah, right.
And by the way, this theory, it's not just spreading with random idiots on Telegram or whatever.
It's also spreading with, well, known idiots on telegram or whatever it's also spreading with well known
idiots on telegram like gop presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy at least he was a candidate when
he posted the following he said quote i wonder who's gonna win the super bowl and i wonder if
there's a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped up couple this fall
just some wild speculation over here let's see how it ages over the next eight months
end quote jesus okay all right okay here's the thing though according to your side we already
stole the election right if we can just steal elections why the fuck would we rig an nfl season to mildly amplify an
endorsement your conspiracy theories conflict with both reality and non-reality now yeah you're
starting a new timeline buddy so obviously the deep state psyop with george soros making taylor
swift into a winter soldier was a great move and we crushed it.
But here's the thing.
You can't rig the NFL.
That's nonsense.
That's absurd.
You'd need cooperation from so many people,
including a bunch of highly paid professional athletes,
many of whom are even more insanely competitive than I am.
Here's just one example of the many ridiculous moments that would need to be staged.
And this is from the article at Politico.
Quote, what are we supposed to believe?
That in a key moment against the Chiefs in the championship game,
a crisis actor depicting Baltimore Ravens receiver Zay Flowers
fumbled just short of the end zone in a perfectly choreographed simulacrum of a receiver reaching the ball toward the goal line and getting it punched out by a desperate defender.
Make sure you bounce it right, Zay.
It's that times a thousand, thousand, thousand to make that happen.
Yeah.
And with the reminder that this remains true even when George Soros doesn't enter into your the NFL is rigged hypothesis, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night.
Heath, Eli, thanks as always.
Jumanji.
And when we come back, we'll be done with the out-salt portion of this program.
As we said last week, the Vulgarity for Charity segment we recorded with Tom and Cecil had so much vulgarity in it,
it couldn't fit into a single episode, no matter how hard we crammed it.
So without further ado, we're going to rejoin the chunk you missed out on already in progress.
Well, if that's what the buzzer, it means it's time for another Spightning Round.
So today's category is
Terrible Friends and the Family Plan.
For each roastie,
I want to know what's the ringtone
when these people call,
assuming that they're not already blocked.
First up, Justin's cousin, Eric.
Eli, have at him.
Yikes.
I don't know.
Maybe try that in a small town
on a borrowed kazoo.
You know, one of the few payments
still left on it.
Though Eric's such a homophobe,
he probably wouldn't trust himself
to kiss the devil's buzz wand,
as he calls it.
And given his desire to cheat people
out of their deathbed wishes,
maybe it should just automatically
go to voicemail.
There you go.
All right, next up,
Julie and Rich's friend, Alan.
Oh, you mean this charming fellow who not only
bought the house next to his parents without his wife knowing but he also took a picture of himself
giving a thumbs up while shitting in a clothes hamper what i'm gonna talk about being blocked
there you go if we're gonna do a ringtone here'm going to say blinded by the light because he's clearly revving up a deuce.
All right, Noah.
What about Hannah's stepfather, Pete, for Hannah and Zach?
Yeah.
Oh, this is a classical Christian douchebag who sucks so bad he can't even rise to the level of a cliche.
He falls short of some of my best friends are black with. Well, I hired some black people, though.
Right.
He falls short of hating the sin and loving the sinner by just like, OK, but I hate the sin more.
It's that kind of shit.
He's a loser and a bigot in such equal proportions that he almost fails at bigotry.
And the ringtone is going to be the same thing you'd hear if you answered it.
It's going to be white noise.
Thank you. Oh, good. All right. hear if you answered it it's gonna be white noise thank you so good all right so next up nine-fingered lesbians biological dad heath okay so i learned about this piece of shit bio dad
in a 10 000 word dissertation email with footnotes that was almost over when it said, oh yeah, he also shot my dog.
Holy shit, I almost forgot.
It's so far down on his list of offenses that I almost forgot.
Those are exact words from the email.
And we also got a picture showing a mustache and mullet combo that is banned by the Geneva
Conventions.
I'm quite sure.
He looks like an El Camino was a person.
It's the reverse of the El Camino.
So for the ringtone of nine-figured lesbian's bio dad,
it's the sound of an eyeball being removed very slowly
and deservedly by a finger stump, I would say.
There you go.
I like it.
I know just where you can capture that sound.
And last but not least, we have
Andrew's sister-in-law, Debra.
Is there anything
more forgettable than Debra?
A hypocrite to be sure
and a holder of values only when they are convenient.
What is she then but a symptom
of a larger cancer?
Debra is a familial tumor,
an error in the machine. She feeds
off the capillaries of kindness
so she can metastasize throughout the lives
of otherwise good and decent
people. She is a biohazard,
a living waste not yet
excised and discarded, a piece
of meat of no purpose or value,
a mistake made
animate. She is not yet
cut out, but she will be. and when she is cut out and cut
off she will behave as all cancers do once removed from her host she will wither to nothing remembered
only as something vile we celebrated destroying oh and her ringtone is that chirp that those old
next telephones make that everyone hated and no one uses anymore.
Cancer, you're right.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
All right. So that's it for the spikening round.
Coming up next, we have a truly terrifying round.
These people are Republicans.
Eli.
You're up first.
Jim wants a roast of failed Washington Secretary of State candidate, Brad Klippert. Okay, I'm just pointing out
that if someone hadn't
timefully misplaced these roasts,
we wouldn't know the fate
of so many of these Republicans.
Oh, it's a good thing.
A lot of these have aged
like a fine wine.
Uh-huh.
Huh?
Huh?
No.
No.
I don't know why.
I thought we were going to go around the world or something
alright Brad Clipper
looks like
get a quick hands up vote
Brad Clipper looks like Lex
Luther was smart about everything
except his creatine consumption
he looks like Mr.
Clean who never came to grips with his
homosexuality
alright Noah this next one is definitely yours which Mr. Clean, who never came to grips with his homosexuality. All right.
Noah, this next one is definitely yours, which, can I just say, a lot of fun stuff has happened.
Krista would like a roast of Brian Kemp.
Okay, so Brian Kemp has managed to make it to 60 years old.
Oh, you're right.
That would have been 59 last year.
This would have fucked it all up.
See this?
He managed to make it to 60 years old without ever losing that petulant look of somebody who's only
there because mom said we had to
bring him.
He looks like the exception to the
anti-bullying campaign.
After the assembly, they
trot him out like as an asterisk
and they're like, well, but some kids do
need spit in their ear.
Obviously, we're not talking about those kids.
Exactly. And when you look at the way
his half-ass, unbuttered mashed potato
of a human being
could beat somebody as clearly
overqualified and over-intellected
and over-temperamented
as a Stacey Abrams
compared to this asshole,
you realize that the only reason
he isn't the poster child
for white privilege
is that we don't want to have to put
his ugly ass on a fucking poster.
Tom, you're up next.
James from Wichita wants you to roast
billionaire GOP mega donor
Charles Koch.
You guys know the phrase
money can't buy you happiness?
That is bullshit.
Of course money can buy you happiness.
If you don't believe me try paying
your rent with 80 cents in your bank account and then try with 80 grand in your bank account now
let's take a quick happiness survey afterwards and compare but what money cannot buy how the
fuck do you get 80 grand in a bank account that doesn't even make sense
what you cannot buy what money cannot buy is decency what money cannot buy is goodness what
money can't buy is empathy or understanding.
It cannot buy a moral compass.
Money can make you a happier person,
but it cannot make you a better person or a smarter person.
And there is no better exemplar of the failing of money
than Charles Koch,
who seems hell-bent on proving the limitations of wealth
on personal growth to anyone and everyone who cares to see it.
And Charles, we all see it.
But there's also one other thing that money cannot buy,
and that is one extra day of life on this planet.
And at 88 years old, Charles Koch will soon be gone.
And while the devastating impact of his myopic cruelty will take decades to counter,
what is also certain is that after all of it is said and done, after all the checks and bargains and backroom deals, after all the manipulation and bribes, no matter how great a mausoleum he is entombed within, he will never be missed for a single moment of a single day.
All right.
So Cecil Dev T wants a roast of Missouri Senator Eric Schmidt.
Okay.
If peaked in high school was a person,
it would be Eric Schmidt.
If you get stuck in an elevator going more than one floor with this guy,
he's going to regale you with the time he threw the touchdown pass in 11th
grade.
This is the guy that will introduce a bill to congratulate a college football team in his state for winning a bowl full of cotton, but will also vote for a government shutdown.
I realize you don't think much of government because you think its purpose is giving handjobs to 19-year-olds that threw an oblong ball gooder than everybody else.
But if that's the pinnacle
of public service, what the
fuck do we need you for? We can
congratulate a sports team and not give you
$3,500 a week, fuckface.
Alright, Heath,
you're going to close out the Republicans with a roast of
Tommy Tuberville
for Dave, Dee, and Jake.
Great choice.
A lot of things happened
since 2022.
A lot of this material.
Just to be clear,
Tommy Tuberville,
not the guy from The Music Man
I learned recently.
He just has a stupid name
that sounds like he is.
He's actually a U.S. Senator,
but, you know,
easy to get confused by that.
He's not the guy
who conned a bunch
of small-town rubes from Iowa
into giving him money for a band. He's the guy guy who conned a bunch of small town rubes from Iowa into giving
him money for a band. He's the guy who did that in Alabama for an election. He also did that in
Alabama, Texas and Ohio for football as a college football coach. And just now I named his entire
career. He's a United States senator and his prior experience is coaching brain injury ball
he is dunning tuber personified
tommy t i know you're listening i'm assuming you're not a big fan of scathing atheist but
it's physically impossible that you're not hearing this thanks to the space program satellite dishes
on either side of your face that you call ears.
You're picking up anything within a five galaxy radius.
Your face looks like a Diablo juggling toy.
It's insane.
It really does.
Also, you're a Christian right lunatic
who's preventing the US military from promoting anyone
because you're mad about abortion.
And I guess I get it.
Like, if you personally ever impregnate someone,
they're going to shut that down right the fuck away for many reasons.
One being those ears would ruin a vagina, even at newborns.
I searched for you on Google Images, and this is real.
Google responded with Tommy Tuberville ears?
According to an extremely advanced piece of software
that knows most of the information
that has ever existed.
You're more qualified for a niche only fans
than you are for your current job.
So go do that.
I'll even set it up for you.
We're going to call it Eustachian
Tuberville and we're going to put
so many things in there.
So many.
Oh, captain,
my captain. Yes, right.
I'm standing on my desk.
I am standing on my desk right now.
Alright, well that's going to bring us for the round
known as whatever's left on the list.
It's called potpourri.
Let's start with a request from White Chocolate Temptation who wants a roast of Kent Hovind.
Cecil, he's all yours.
All right.
Kent Hovind looks like Dark Universe Richie Cunningham.
There is no way in that alternate dimension that he makes Apollo 13 because there are no other gods before the one he stole from Jewish people. This is a guy who believes in creationism
and thinks everyone is a perfect creation of God.
And at the same time,
he is clearly the product of millions of years
worth of evolution of leaky assholes.
You can't look at this dead-eyed thing
who has a single piece of dental floss
with separating his eye sockets and thing
yep perfect being sculpted that yeah made in his image all right eli this was for you
kathleen wants a roast of people who are ableist against neurodivergent people
yeah and sometimes those people have problems with spreadsheets because of their depression.
Alright, Kathleen, look, I appreciate your kindness, but let's talk
about the monsters for who they are.
Let's name names and say what
they're doing, because they're listening to this podcast,
Kathleen, and if we don't say it,
their reign of terror will never end.
I'm talking, of course,
about people who turn on
the big light. What the fuck is wrong with those people? about people who turn on the big light.
What the fuck is wrong with those people?
Yes, the big light.
Thank you.
No illusions.
Despite the perfectly acceptable directional lamps placed in and around the homes, you
normo divergence, as we call you behind your back, rain down the power of the sun like
you're trying to grow weed in the living room.
And Kathleen and I and all the neurologically
spicy brethren are tired of it damn tired thank you okay normo divergent would be not norm right
wouldn't it okay i think he just did a racism get him all right no back to you howard would like a
roast of robocallers. Okay.
So robocallers are going to be the dumbest thing
that ever took down a once thriving civilization and all.
But despite that, the thing that bothers me most about them
is that little, oh, hello, I didn't see you there bullshit
that they do at the beginning, right?
Where they're like trying to trick you into thinking it's a person
and there's just a bad connection or hello, what?
Motherfucker, if you don't open with sorry to just unexpectedly call you
on the phone like an insane person or a fucking time traveler from the 80s,
I know you're not a human fucking being on a regular fucking call.
You're not phoning me.
I'm going to hang up on you right away.
So you might as well we add a baby.
It's a boy, whatever you're trying to say up on you right away. So you might as well. We had a baby. It's a boy.
Whatever you're trying to say and not dick around with your hello.
Hello.
Bullshit.
That's all I'm saying.
And Heath,
Kevin wants a roast of the very concept of health insurance.
Okay,
fantastic.
So let's just think about the business model.
They're a bookie who offers a bad bet on your personal grievous bodily harm or death they take your money for that bet and with their guaranteed profit they do mostly one of two things
one they line the pockets of mba douchebags who say the word synergy and those people should all
die during a televised lottery i think we all agree or two they spend a bunch of
that money to hire people whose entire job is preventing you from ever getting the product
that they sell to you right yes they're like a casino but they also hire a team of fucking
ninjas to swoop down on a rope and steal your first six thousand dollars
and there's also a team of
rabid honey badgers that just run around
grabbing your chips off the table and throwing them
everywhere. And if you manage
to have any chips left, they
hire bridge trolls to make you figure out
riddles when you want to cash out your chips.
And they make you get your answers
notarized in triplicate, and then
you have to mimeograph it on a machine that doesn't
exist. And if you reinvent the mimeograph and on a machine that doesn't exist. And if you reinvent
the mimeograph
and build one at home
and come back
with the right paperwork,
the bridge troll's like,
oh yeah, cool.
You did everything right.
Just one last thing.
What's 13 divided by 52?
It's a percent.
And you're like,
oh, it's one fourth.
It's 25%.
And they're like, yeah.
So apparently doing math
is a pre-existing condition you already had.
So your poker winnings actually don't count.
And then you try to marry a lady in Canada.
That's how that business works.
That's the whole thing.
Failed, by the way.
They're in the evil version of a casino.
Think about that.
Right?
All right, Tom.
You're going to close off the potpourri round.
Right?
All right, Tom, you're going to close off the potpourri round.
A Seattle Exmo would like a roast of a Mormon apostle, David A. Bednar.
David A. Bednar is somewhat famous for once getting shitty because one time,
gird your loins, boys, his wife once almost stood up before he did.
Well, that's right. She nearly, but did not,
stand up before him.
And that is all that it took.
Imagine being so fragile,
so incredibly,
preciously delicate,
that if a woman stood up before you,
your entire worldview
and church authority
is suddenly falling down around you.
Imagine a level of insecurity so overwhelming,
so deep and true and perfect that you have achieved a sort of platonic ideal of toxic
masculinity. That dainty little soul is now one of the leaders of the Mormon cult corporation,
and he will spend his entire flimsy existence pledging allegiance to one of the most patently stupid religious ideologies
to have ever emerged from within
its magic hat, blinking stupidly
into the light of day.
That is a competitive field for that competition.
Yeah, it is.
So next time you see David,
here's what we should all do.
Pull out his chair for him.
Hold open his door. Hold out his coat for him.
Maybe grab his ass a little.
Make emasculation bingo cards.
And let's see who can make him cry first.
And who can make him cry second.
Yes.
And 35th.
Let's just make him cry forever.
There you go.
Forever.
And on that note, I'm going to clumsily cut back in.
I'm going to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for their help with the fundraiser.
And I'm going to assure you that there's still plenty more vulgarity for charity to come.
Before we turn in for the night, I want to remind everybody that we're only about three weeks away from Godolphin Movies Live in Orlando, Florida.
We're going to be breaking down an anti-Disney movie made by the Catholic League.
And general admission tickets are still available at GodolphinMoviesLive.com or by going to the
show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight,
but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout
for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday,
and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern
on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Data, debuting at
noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't count if I didn't thank Heath Enright for being
the best Eli Bosnick for also being the best and Lucinda illusions for being
even better.
I also want to thank Tom and Cecil again for having joined us last week.
So fucking hard that it wouldn't fit into a single episode.
I also want to thank RJ for providing this week's Farnsworth quote,
best of luck on the career switch and the uninvolved monkeys that you're
clearly dealing with.
But most of all,
of course I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals,
Andrew hot Dixon,
rice, Tanya thrown scowder and Jeff, Mike, David, Norgrove, of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals, Andrew Hot Dixon, Rice, Tanya, Thron Scaldoran,
Jeff, Mike, David, Norgrove,
Noggy, and Alex. Andrew, Dixon,
Tanya, and Thron Scaldoran, who are so hot
they should all be named after lava flows, Jeff,
Mike, and David, whose condoms are the backup plan
if the Goodyear blimp ever can't go, and
Norgrove, Noggy, and Alex, who are so bright their IQs
are measured in lumens. Together, these
ten enviable envoys of intelligence enabled
our enervations of the enemy's entitlement
this week by giving us money.
Not everybody has the money
it takes to do that,
but if you do,
you can make a per-episode donation
to patreon.com slash scathingadeus,
whereby you'll win a real access
to an extended ad-free version
of every episode,
or you can make a one-time donation
by clicking on the donate button
on the right side of the homepage
at scathingadeus.com.
And if you'd like to help,
but you're saving your money
for the inevitable downfall
of civilization,
you can also help a ton
by leaving a five-star review,
telling a friend about the show,
and following us on social media.
And speaking of social media, Tim
Robertson handles that for us. Additional writing for this episode
was provided by Mike Schuster and Andrea Romano, and
our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music
that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.
If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact
info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. oh by all means morgan send me all of that the preceding podcast was a production of
puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2024 all rights reserved