The Scathing Atheist - 574: Lindell Nino Edition

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

On this week's episode: Jesus reaches out personally to Quentin Tarantino ... Mike Lindell does a thing in the universe which is very stupid and amusing ... And the Heritage Foundation fits us all for our handmaid outfits. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Mike Lindell launches MyStore to compete with Amazon: https://gizmodo.com/mike-mypillow-lindell-launches-mystore-the-amazon-fr-1851243068 Jesus foot fetish commercial makes Christians mad: https://www.al.com/tv/2024/02/he-gets-us-jesus-super-bowl-ad-sparks-online-debate.html Pro-Life Spiderman climbs "The Sphere" in Las Vegas: https://nypost.com/2024/02/09/news/maison-des-champs-sphere-climb-caused-100k-in-damage-cops/ Cannibalism bill introduced in Idaho legislature: https://www.ktvb.com/amp/article/news/local/208/cannibalism-bill-introduced-idaho-legislature/277-1014b276-7524-4a5c-bbda-593d56dc42cb https://www.idahostatesman.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article285234417.html

Warning, if you're offended by blasphemy, definitely keep listening. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the support group for people recovering from their addiction to absurd conspiracy theories. QAnonymous. QAnonymous. The Taylor Swift, Joe Biden one is real. Don't call about that. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, I am Senior Petz. I am currently a call forward that you do not understand. And now, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's February 15th.

And it's the second day of Lent. And they already failed. I'm Michael Marshall. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from abandoned cars New Jersey, John Lennon's Liverpool, and Ann Arbor, Michigan, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Jesus reaches out personally to Quentin Tarantino. Mike Lindell creates the MySpace of Amazon called

MyStore. And the Heritage Foundation fits us all for our handmade outfits. But first, the Aliatribe. So I was catching up with this friend the other day. It'd been a while, and I just started doing these shows the last time we caught up. So she asked me, are you still doing skepticism? And I was like, yeah, oh, we've got this show going on now and that show. And we're doing this project and we're touring.

But yeah, yeah, I'm still doing skepticism. And she said, so you haven't gotten bored of it? And look, don't get me wrong. This is a close friend. Like, there's no need for us to bullshit each other. And I also don't think she meant it rudely. But I also don't think it was a question she would have asked me if I made Jewish podcasts or psychology podcasts, right?

But it did get me to thinking, why am I still doing skepticism after all these years, right? I mean, there's obviously no lack of bullshit, but why am I still interested? Why do I still care? And I think the answer for me is the Fermi paradox. So stay with me. The thing about the Fermi paradox is that it's interesting for the wrong reasons. If you're unfamiliar, the Fermi paradox is an argument that's been blowing the minds of teenagers smoking pot out of an apple for a while now, but it's sort of mythologized in these conversations that physicist Enrico Fermi had with his colleagues

over lunch in the 1950s, right? So the chain of reasoning goes basically like this. There's billions of stars in the Milky Way similar to the sun. Statistically, some of these stars have to have Earth-like planets in the Goldilocks zone nearby. Many of these stars, and hence their planets, are much older than the sun. So statistically, some of those Earth-like planets should have developed intelligent life by now, and that life should have come calling because they've had 10 billion years to, you know, get into space, but they haven't. Or to put it more bluntly, where the fuck is everybody? Now, here's why that question is not interesting, right? It's not interesting because it's proof that aliens have been here and the government's covering it up. It's not interesting because it's proof that it's far more likely that life on Earth was crafted by

intelligent design. It's not even interesting because it's proof that it's far more likely that life on earth was crafted by intelligent design. It's not even interesting because it's proof that civilization is doomed to destroy itself, right? It's interesting because of how the question fools us, right? So the problem, or at least part of the problem for those of you who are currently trying to enjoy your weed, and you need Craig's cousin who brings this up every time you smoke together to shut up about the Fermi paradox, is that, first of all, we have no idea how common it is for life to occur on Earth-like planets, right? We've observed exactly one Earth-like planet develop life. And while we have no reason to believe it wouldn't work that way on other warm, wet places,

we've also got no fucking clue, right? Maybe the crystals that probably became single-celled organisms require a certain magnetism of the poles that's one in a hundred billion. Maybe only one in a hundred trillion dinosaur-filled planets get hit by an asteroid in such a way that kills the large reptiles, but allows the mammals to survive and evolve, right? There's a lot of options, but we are in a cone of invisibility until we're peaceful enough to join the alien community probably isn't one of them. And this error, right? This error in base assumptions is the ground for a lot of bullshit. Everything has a cause. Something can't come from nothing.

Natural things are healthy. If you look at most of what the general population considers to be the big unanswered questions, they're not unanswered. They're asked incorrectly. And look, I don't get how we know the universe was always there, right? I can't conceptualize it intellectually or emotionally, but I trust the experts who tell me that they do. I trust that they're checking each other's work and that I am welcome to join them if I want to do a bunch of homework, right? The pathway to knowledge is almost always wide

open and free. You just got to walk it. And I guess that is why after all these years, I still love skepticism. Because much as it's got the reputation of slapping homeopathic arnicas out of grandma's hand and making Uri Geller look like an idiot on television, that's not what skepticism's about. It's about asking the right questions and then helping others to do it too. It's a mindset. It's universally available and it carries no fee to entry. You just have to care enough to think a little deeper. entry. You just have to care enough to think a little deeper. Or maybe you just want Craig to shut up and pass the apple. Joining me for headlines tonight are the bacon and the butter to my white bread, Michael Marshall and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, you ready to be bacon buddies? Marshall and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, you ready to be bacon buddies? So I assumed you'd take bacon. Huh. I guess that's a poor sign of our friendship. Right. And Noah's unable to join us this week. Otherwise, he'd be the heart attack that sandwich gives you. What are you doing? That's a real sandwich, right?

The bacon buddy with teas, actually. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Like a huge amount of bacon and butter and white bread. That's a real thing. That's just a bacon sandwich. This is why you needed

our help in the Great War. It's a bulk standard bacon sandwich. Listen, I support, but that's crazy. All right. Yeah. In our lead story tonight,

in Shamazon news, Christian Wright pillow failure and all the other stuff failure as well mike lindell is launching a new website that's going to compete with amazon no it's not but he really needs some allowance money and some walking around money and he got canceled by the woke liberals who run walmart so he's locked out of the pillow game. He tried to break into the lucrative, self-financed conspiracy documentary sector,

but that went very badly. And he tried selling fake remedies for COVID to anti-vaxxers, but it's, you know, really hard to get repeat business from dead people. And he tried not getting sued for $1.3 billion for defamation, but that didn't work out either. So now he's thinking the iron might be hot on this new e-commerce thing. And he started up a new online marketplace on the World Wide Web called MyStore because my pillow, but store. But store, you see. Yeah. Yeah. But given how much he owes in that defamation settlement, he might as well launch this as Dominion Voting Systems store

to go with Dominion Voting Systems pillow. Yeah, indeed. And a big thanks to Jesse and Dustin for the links. Scathingnews at gmail.com if you want to help out. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Heath, are you telling me that not only can folks send us the latest atheism news to scathingnews at gmail.com, but if they do, our very own Michael Marshall will be visited by the three

ghosts of pseudoscience on a Be Reasonable Christmas Spectacular. Okay. Those are all going to be you, aren't they, Eli? Those are definitely all going to be you. It's all me. I actually am agreeing with that one. Usually I don't. That's a good one.

Nice. A lot of white makeup at home. So here's the latest on Mikey Flopswet. He spent the last week doing a big media tour, by which I mean vlogs on Rumble. Obviously. By which I mean the successful version of his social media site called Frank. And here's the sales pitch. My store is the Amazon for patriots where real American entrepreneurs

can sell their amazing, innovative products without being, quote, copied by China. Yeah. It's a good thing that my pillows are made in Minnesota so that China never got their hands on the pillow that feels like a six-day dead body technology we possess. Keep that protected. So you might be wondering, how is Mike Lindell keeping everything on my store a secret from all of China?

All of China, yeah. Or maybe you're wondering, what the fuck would that even mean? Well, let us know if you come up with the answer. Is it just that the products are so like fundamentally bad and poorly executed ideas that China just couldn't possibly undercut them? Like the bar's already on the floor. Nobody's limboing underneath that. Yeah, or as it's known in Marsh's homeland,

the Marmite Stratagem. I thought that was Australia more, right? No, Vegemite is Australia. And it is a very violent dispute. You cannot get those two things. Sorry. Apologies all around. Apologies all around.

We let senior pets do the intro and all of a sudden all the races are the same. Thanks, Heath. Listen, the accents are the same. Australia, England, let's be honest. Wow. All right.

So according to Lindell, they only accept American- made products at my store. And his team has already caught some vendors trying to sneak in foreign stuff. Well, I decided to help out. I did a little searching at the website of a big supplier for my store. And I found a product that's made in Pakistan. It's called the My Towels 2-Pack, sold by a company called My Pillow. At the bottom of the description, it says, in quotes, towels that work, what a concept, Mike Lindell. That's his quote about his towels, his own towels. Hopefully they catch that Pakistan-made thing and they don't use it on my store. So from there, I checked out my store

to see what it looks like. And the first thing I noticed was that everything is on sale. You can't afford not to buy every single item right now because it's on sale right now. Just for the record, retailers are not supposed to do that. And Mike Lindell knows that. The Better Business Bureau actually revoked MyPillow's accreditation in 2017 because you can't have the same item literally be on sale forever. He could have just sold the stupid pillow at regular price for like 10 seconds and he would have been fine, but no, always on sale. And it looks like the same thing is definitely happening at my store. It makes sense that everything's always on sale because Mike Lindell himself is currently

$1.3 billion off. He sure is. So I did a little browsing at my store and it was an experience. Everything is nonsense. It's like Gwyneth Paltrow's goop store got fucked by a gas station. We might

need a dedicated segment for this thing, but I'll give you some highlights right now, including some great recommendations from Dustin in the email we got. I'll start with home decor, where I found about, well, 900 different American flags to start, along with an 11 by 14 print called The Lion of Judah. It's a lion with jesus christ standing behind it wearing a crown of thorns that's 39.99 or 1999 on sale oh okay but when the bible says that jesus was crucified

next to two murderers it was a massive omission not to mention that one of those murderers was a lion that would have really made the one of those murderers was a lion. That would have really made the Bible pop for me. I'm a metaphor for that. No, we get it. Okay. Here's my thing, though.

Whoever buys this, right? They get up to heaven. God's like, yep, you were Christian. Great, you're in. But, sorry, what did my kid have to do with a lion to you?

Like, what was the connection to you? Enough to put it on your wall man all right so next up we have the snap pot multi-tool allegedly it's the gardener's ultimate multi-tool that functions as a shovel a trowel a transplanter weeding sickle, hand hoe, and three-prong cultivator all at the same time. But I don't think that's how lots of people are going to use it. This one is $34.99 or $19.99 on sale. Yeah, it 100% looks like the butt plug for people who want to appear like they've anally ingested Kermit the Frog. That's what this looks like. Yes, it does. But in a bad way.

You're making it sound too good, Marsh. That doesn't... Look it up if you're curious. It's exactly what Marsh just described. Absolutely. So from there, I moved over to the food section. That's where I found a product called Meat Sticks. They're sticks of meat.

And seriously, that's the title of the product. I also found a container of honey that's called Make Honey Great Again. It's just honey, but it comes in a plastic bottle that is, of course, shaped like the body

of a baby bear with Donald Trump's face on it. $22 or $ 20 on sale. For a bottle of honey? Yep. Yeah, but fair play to the makers of this product. They've absolutely captured Trump's latest skin color perfectly. It's exactly the right shade of bronze.

They really have. I think having this in your home is a hate crime. Like, if you just brought this to someone as a gift, you should go to jail. Maybe both of you should go to jail. Yeah, agree. Two votes. Next up, from the kitchenware section, we have a product called Last Drop. It's a little piece of plastic that you shove into a bottle of ketchup, and the other side of the plastic fits into a second bottle of ketchup, so you can marry

the old ketchup into the new ketchup, like you're breaking a health code violation at TGI Fridays at the end of your shift and they always made us do that. It's gross. According to the description, you'll be, quote, saving money, reducing waste, and contributing to sustaining a better quality of life. $12.99 or $9.99 on sale. It sort of feels like the inventor of this product

found themselves on the Urban Dictionary page for docking and then had themselves a eureka moment. Yeah. Or possibly two eureka moments. Or two, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so off-brand ketchup is $2.75. Generously assuming this is going to save you

the remaining 10% of a bottle of ketchup that you just couldn't possibly otherwise have access to. You have to do this fucking weird docking thing to 35 bottles of ketchup before you've recovered the cost of your purchase of this device. I don't think the math works out for this thing. I think you might be underestimating the ketchup consumption of their target audience. That is fair. Yeah, no, that is still stupid. And last but not least, I checked out the health and wellness department. And that's where I found a product called the Amazing Temporary Tooth Replacement Kit.

It's a do-it-yourself kit for the at-home dentist. Seriously. With each box, you can create 15 to 20 teeth using their allegedly non-toxic material. And then, I guess, you just shove that shit into the missing gaps. Yep.

End of instructions. $32.99 is the price of that or $21.99 on sale. It says there's a bullet point saying make 20 plus teeth. That may be the most harrowing bullet point I've ever seen on any list ever. And I don't know what's more disturbing, like that this product exists or that it's also available on Amazon or that the Amazon reviews for the product in the UK make it clear that people have turned to this product because they can't get an appointment with a dentist in the UK right now.

And so this is all they've got. Yikes. Yeah. Well, in America, we choose not to go to the dentist, Marsh, because we can't afford it. It's much better. It's much better. It's a choice, you see.

Check the privilege as usual. And I got to share the amazing testimonials that I found in the review section for the DIY tooth kit. The first one is from Nancy, who said, quote, a year ago, my right molar broke. I went to the dentist and he put a cap on. Less than year sick. The cap came off three times. And on top of that left molar, a piece of tooth came off.

Using amazing temporary tooth is a lifesaver. It took me few times per tooth to figure it out, Sick. But it works amazingly. It keep the food out. End quote. Five stars on that review. Hey, guys, if the aliens present that review as their evidence to destroy our planet, I've got nothing. Do you guys have anything? I have nothing. And here's the second

review. This is from CT, who said, quote, works great and easy to use. It filled the gap of two missing teeth. I believe it is probably better suited for one tooth space. However, I made it work for me. End quote, five stars. Five stars. How is that a five star review? Like that reads like a three or a four star at best. Honestly, the real scandal here is like review star inflation. It's like the standing ovation thing all over again. It's actually, yeah. Thanks, Biden. Yeah. So, bottom line, my store was admittedly a delightful place to browse,

but I'm going to stick with ethical business owners like Jeff Bezos for now, at least in relative terms. Yeah, probably smart. And in this little piggy gets us news, ah, the Super Bowl commercial,

a cultural oddity where millions of dollars meet seconds of airtime with all the grace and cleverness of your uncle asking you to pull his finger. Who doesn't love watching millionaires talk about beer? Who isn't brought to the very peaks of pleasure at the sight of a once beloved TV actor's horrible plastic surgery? Plus, there's something for the indoor kids to enjoy while all the sports people refill their beers, wings, and pizza. A lot of indoor kids like those things too, I'm just saying.

Yup. But as we've learned over on our sister show, Godawful Movies, Christians can always make a bad thing worse, which is why we were treated to the absolutely bizarre foot fetish ganza that was the he gets a Super Bowl spot. Okay, Eli is not exaggerating at all. It is sexual and fetish ganza-ish for sure. Some guy who really likes foot stuff made a pitch for this ad.

It was way too creepy. He got called on it and he was like, what? It's not, it's a Bible thing. You're bigots. You're bigots. This is Christian. That's actually been the move for foot people for a long time because of the Bible coincidence. Also keep in mind foot is penis in the Bible. Yeah. In a lot of context. Yeah. I mean, 100% this is sexual and it's the eye contact in every single one of them. Like there's so much of this is just hard eye contact going on at all times, while there's an In Excess song playing in the background,

as if to say, come on, Michael Hutchins, another long-haired, topless guy who died by being hung, you know you're into this. Yeah, so regular listeners will remember the He Gets Us campaign from a couple of their previous stunts. If you're new around here, despite their ties to homophobic and racist Christian organizations, the point of the He Gets Us campaign is to spend hundreds of millions of dollars telling everyone how not racist and not homophobic they are.

Yeah, it's like, we can't be homophobic, see? We just spent loads of money on some boy-boy interracial foot fetish porn, so we can't possibly be homophobic. Exactly, yeah. And despite their good intentions, they actually did way more telling on themselves than they meant to with this thing. See, the point of the ad is to show Christians washing the feet of their various political opponents, just like Jesus would have done.

So pin in who they think are their opponents for a second, but it's worth pointing out Jesus wasn't just wandering around washing feet left and right, right? Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, an act that many equate with humble servitude, but it's not because they were his disciples, right? Washing the feet of people who believe you are a living God incarnate is at best like an ironic bit about you lowering yourself to their level. Like when billionaires give to charity or when Nick Fish lets us come to the American Atheist Convention, right?

Okay. The fact that Andy Wilson likes to wash my feet at the beginning of QED is irrelevant. Eli, I feel like you were targeting that. We just both enjoy that. It has nothing to do with anything. He told me it was about the smell. So let's get back to those political opponents I was talking about earlier, right? So the commercial

consists of 12 still pictures, which, side note, I just want to point out, I think some of them, or at least in part, are AI generated, and here's who they show us. Okay, keep in mind that the foot wash I just want to point out, I think some of them, or at least in part, are AI-generated, and here's who they show us. Okay, keep in mind that the foot washers are supposed to be Christian, and the people whose feet they're washing are supposed to be people they don't generally get along with.

Okay, so those people are a father and son at dinner, a popular girl and an unpopular girl? I think? Her hair is pink? Anyways, oh, and then there's a police officer and a black person. Yeah. Yeah. And I've just got to point out, if you look at the father and son at dinner one, there are like three tiny Christmas ornaments like around the room.

So I think this is meant to be like the world's saddest Christmas dinner, spontaneously elevated, I guess, by some incestuous intergenerational footplay. Nailed it. Okay, so getting a foot wash could be mildly pleasant, I guess. But even with still shots, every single person getting the wash is somehow visibly upset about it.

They're all trying to like slowly back away and leave like Uma Thurman dealing with Tarantino in every movie. Yes, exactly. And also all of the foot washers in the pictures have also taken their own shoes off as well. And like, is that because they're expecting it to be a reciprocal thing? Or can they only just like really get into it if they've also got bare feet? It's so upsetting either way.

Confusing. Yeah. Oh, but there are more and even less tasteful tableaus. There's a white guy and a guy I think is supposed to be Native American. I don't want to assume an abortion protester. This one's my favorite. And a presumably pregnant teenager, a girl and her alcoholic mother and an oil worker and an environmental protestor? Okay, they had to pick the quote good guy. And they were like, oil industry, good Christian, right? And we tolerate the environment, people.

It's their commercial. And that's what they went with for good guy, oil. Yeah, like the bad person in this whole thing was a protester who's holding a sign pleading for clean air. Like clean air is the evil they're protecting us from. The evil, yes. And yet there are more. There's also a white lady and someone who I assume

is supposed to be a Mexican immigrant who has just gotten off a bus. I'm not being insensitive, by the way. There's literally a bus in the picture behind them. There's a white lady and a woman who's wearing a hijab. Cool. Two opposing protesters at a non-specific protest and an old white guy and another black guy. So just two times they were like, black. And perhaps most mystifying of all, the final image is of a preacher and a Venice Beach

roller skater. Yeah. Okay. That last one felt like a roller skater in Venice who just decided to tolerate the pervert because the blisters were really hurting that day. It was like, yeah, you can do a foot wash, I guess. And the one with the hijab lady is even more awkward because there's a guy just sat nearby on a fold-out chair watching and eating an apple,

and his facial expression is way too into it. Like he's giving detailed instructions about what to do next. And then the old white guy isn't even washing the old black guy's feet. They're just sat outside a diner for some reason, sharing a foot bath, unless the white guy is using his toes to wash the other guy's feet? How is this somehow getting more disturbingly erotic as we go?

Yeah, really interesting Viagra commercial for sure. Yeah. Anyway, all of this is followed by the words, Jesus didn't teach hate, he washed feet. He gets us, all of us, Jesus. And each of those words comes up on the screen with like a boof, boof, boof. The dramatic reveal of the, Jesus. End quote. And each of those words comes up on the screen with like a the dramatic reveal of the

phrase, he washed feet is one of my comedy highlights of the year. It's such a weird reveal. Jesus didn't teach hate. What do they got next? And then it's just random nonsense. He washed feet. The two is the only even prime. Like you could put anything. It's so crazy.

It's the second most disturbing surprise of the Super Bowl, for sure. So while I understand that the ad is supposed to be well-intentioned, they literally just paid millions of dollars to list the people they know their followers hate. And it turns out to be all the fucking people they're oppressing. So yeah, another swing and a miss for He Gets Us, but hey, Christians, if you're feeling inspired by this ad, this

atheist podcaster will let you wash my feet for your next ad spot, and I promise only to make it a little weird. Send the dude in the overalls. And in sphere and loathing news, Christian Wright Lunatic,

who calls himself the pro-life Spider-Man, got arrested last week after doing a live stream fundraiser while climbing to the top of the Las Vegas sphere. That's the giant orb encrusted in lights with an arena inside. It's the big new attraction on the strip. And unless the fundraiser made more than $100,000, it was actually a fund loser.

Because according to the police report, $100,000 is the estimate on the damage he caused by stomping all over the extremely delicate array of 58 million LEDs. So he's a Christian pro-life Spider-Man. So Preacher Parker? Although he did scale a building, so he's like Preacher Parkour. I'm so mad I tried to find something for Peter Parker. Oh, I couldn't get it.

His catchphrase is, with no power comes great responsibility. And a big thanks to Thomas for the link. Scathing news at gmail.com. So let's start with the most important part of the story about pro-life Spider-Man.

His physical appearance. It's ridiculous. He looks like a fetus going through puberty somehow. I think that's a perfectly acceptable look. That's a strong look. Yeah.

I'm just saying that the spider needed to bite a bottle of Proactiv and then him. Okay. That's all strong one. Yeah. I'm just saying that the spider needed to bite a bottle of Proactiv and then him. Okay. That's all I needed. So this is just the latest of many similar publicity stunts by Preacher Parker. Such good work, Marsh. God damn it.

Apparently, his job, this is all he does. He goes around the country doing illegal climbing stuff, hoping to get attention for whatever bigot thing that evangelicals are yelling about. And of course, wasting the time and resources of first responders while he does that. His real name is Maison Deschamps or House of the Fields. And it sounds like that's a restaurant name, idiots, not house.

You don't make house, whatever. I got us a reservation and peter spent the fucking pro-life spider-man so according to fucking house this particular climb was meant to raise money so a homeless woman can quote cancel her abortion appointment what does that even mean is there like a massive cancellation fees on abortions these days? I would hope not. Wow. Thanks, public nuisance suicide teen. Now I can bring a baby into terrible poverty as well.

Yeah. So House got to the top of the sphere, at which point one of the engineers at the venue called the cops and the engineer opened up a hole so the idiot could get inside the building. The cops showed up and told him to use the hole. But House was like, no, I want to climb down too. And the cops were like, no, no. We're either pulling you off with a helicopter and adding to your already considerable tab. Or you're going inside through the hole.

He went inside through the hole. See, and that's a shame, though, because they should have just forced him to go through with it and then offered him absolutely no support, regardless of the endangerment it presented to his health, because that's how he thinks it should work. Yeah. And honestly, I think the corpse of an idealistic teen slowly frying on the outside of the sphere is a great symbol of Las Vegas. I think it worked out for everybody. You should put that on the sign, yeah. So after getting arrested, he taunted the cops claiming he'll never

be convicted. Apparently, that's what usually happens. It looks like a big anti-choice group has been paying to get him fancy lawyers after each stunt

and it's been working because, you know, people with money and Jesus don't really have laws. Yeah, it feels like that lawyer money could have gone to the imaginary homeless woman he said he was trying to do this whole thing for in the first laws. Yeah, it feels like that lawyer money could have gone to the imaginary homeless woman

he said he was trying to do this whole thing for in the first place. Yeah, but look, even if he does get away with it, right? He's still pro-life Spider-Man, right? Like you're going to die falling off some dumb shit while someone yells world star

and puts yakety sacks behind the video. I just think it's way worse than whatever they could sentence you to, right? It's the thing you choose. Yeah, absolutely. All that being said, Joe Biden and Taylor Swift pulled off the crime of the century in Las Vegas while this was all happening and they're going to get away with it too. Hell yeah. And finally tonight, in Donner Thy Father news, the Idaho State Legislature continued being accidentally the best sketch comedy show in the world last week when they introduced a bill that would expand their existing ban on cannibalism. Apparently, the current law has way too many loopholes for the local cannibals and doesn't fully capture the appropriate extent to which we should all be panicking over the satanicing. The loophole they're especially worried about is human composting, because technically that might involve gorging oneself on human flesh that decomposed into soil and then became a potato containing a human soul or something like that.

Okay. Who told Idaho a fake origin story for Mr. Potato Head again? Come on. A big thanks to Rachel for the link. Skating news at gmail.com. So the sponsor of the new bill is Idaho state representative, Heather Scott. She's a Republican by the way,

in case you're curious. And yeah, yeah. Republican. So she told the committee that cannibalism is going to be quote normalized at some point, the way our society is going under the new law, not only would plain vanilla cannibalism be illegal,

but it would also explicitly ban, quote, giving someone else the flesh or blood of a human being without that person's knowledge or consent, which is really bad wording. Also insane. Yeah. Yeah. And so to all those Catholics who keep like sneaking into Protestant churches and transubstantiating all the wafers, Idaho is onto you. Yeah. This feels like I'm suspicious of how willingly they gave me double meat at Chipotle situation, right? Like why? Why is this a part of her? So here's a bit more of the reasoning from Heather Scott. She explained that she's extremely worried about the rise of human composting, but she doesn't want to make a bunch of red tape for all the morticians because, you know, free market. So she wants to focus on those who intentionally make another person eat people. She also added, quote, I don't want to see that in my Home Depot stores, end quote. No, I can confirm.

I see a lot of wasted corpses at Home Depot. So yeah, this makes a lot of sense. She really thinks there's gonna be like human bones in the compost bags at Home Depot, apparently. I'm sorry, which aisle are the remains of just people in? Oh, six, six. Great, thanks. And here's my favorite part.

Heather Scott became a crusader for anti-cannibalism when she was on an airplane last year and watched a reality show that featured a chef tricking people into eating human flesh and then telling them afterward. Of course, she was appalled by that, and she sent a clip of the show to the Idaho Statesman newspaper along with a letter that said, they didn't tell the people. Of course, she was appalled by that, and she sent a clip of the show to the Idaho Statesman newspaper, along with a letter that said, they didn't tell the people, they fed it to them. But apparently, she also noted, the show might be a spoof. Well, considering it's a prank show on TruTV called Fameless, hosted by David Spade. Yeah, it's

not real. Right, but if it's not real, Heath, why was it on True TV? Huh? I think Heather Scott has blown this whole thing wide open here. Yeah, she's got you there. So, two big takeaways for me. First of all, I'm very offended. The idea that an elected official

was watching anything with David Spade is beyond the pale. That's crazy. If it's not a Chris Farley movie, you're constitutionally banned from the ballot. Absolutely. But more importantly, I need to know the full story of whatever the fuck happened to Heather Scott in real life. Something very specific happened and she's not telling us. It wasn't just that dumb tv show also hot take this is terrible but i don't see the problem with cannibalism if you don't okay if it's a person who's already dead why why does that matter all righty what was that about the headlines we're

gonna wrap up the headlines now yep thank you eli normally i have to do this. Thank you. You did it. Marsh, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll have some god-awful music for you, and then some great music. Here at The Scathing Atheist, we like to be humble and admit that epistemological certainty can be tricky, but we are confident about two things that are definitely true in the universe. One, Christian music is bad. And two, Anna Bosnick is great. And that's the foundation for this entire segment that we call God Awful Music.

Eli Marsh, you're still here. And we're joined by Christian music wrangler extraordinaire, Anna Bosnick. Anna, welcome back. Sup, bitches. Very excited. This is what happens when we let Anna write in.

She writes for herself, sup, bitches, as an intro. Sup, bitches. As in, bitches, please be suppin'. Nice. Sup something. Your desire is for all bitches to sup? Yes.

Okay. Great. But only bitches? People are hungry. Oh, I mean, I mean, bad bitches. You know, like, are you a bad bitch?

Do you go when what's-her-name says, let's go, girls? I was genuinely terrified that was a direct question at me there on a time. I don't want anybody who's a self-hating bitch.

What did you know about Jimmy Savile? Are you a bad bitch? The two questions every British man is afraid to hear. All right. Well, the bitches

have been supped. That's official. So, Anna. Yeah. Tell us, what piece of music falsely so-called are we going to be

breaking down today? The basics of life. Ooh. By four, the number for him with a capital H. Oh, buddy. And so the way I find these things, one of the beauties of having this amazing job that you have given me is that I get to be there for my friends

when my friends walk away from their religion. And I get to offer support while they start the process of deconversion and figuring out what secular life looks like. And the better part of having this job is getting to hear all the shitty music they used to listen to and sometimes still do. And this one comes from my very good friend who is going through the process now. Listen, we all grew up listening to something we aren't proud of. Asterisk, all my music of my childhood was amazing. Exactly. If you were young and Christian in the early 90s,

perhaps you were also subject to the four white divorced dads who saw boys to men in the news and decided, that boy make't gonna dream us. So yes, I'm talking about 4Him. Yeah, and sadly, this piece of music was not made by the providers of ED medication called 4Hims. Just the consumers, not the providers. Yeah. This is the band, like Anna said, called 4Him, using the number four just to make it way worse.

So much worse. So before we get to the song itself, is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Can I go with best worst music video extras? You sure can. Oh, yes, you can. You sure the fuck can, Eli. Yes, you can. You sure can.

Oh, yes, you can. You sure the fuck can, Eli. Yes, you can. I think they shot this in one of the less extreme levels of hell, but still definitely hell. Like medium low? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Or high? Yeah.

Whichever it is. Alabama is what you're saying. Sure. Correct. And I want to go best worst message because like the whole point, we'll get there, but the whole point of this song is, you know, this new fangled thinking that all the kids are doing these days. Don't. Don't do that cut it out thinking exhausting i was gonna go with best worst mullet and mustache oh you cheater yeah too easy the mullet's crazy the

mustache is even crazier it's's somehow both Hitler and sex criminal. Like it's the weird, crazy balance that's both of those things. The perfect amalgamation of the two. I just want to pause to talk about this mullet. Because this mullet, if this man gave me directions, I wouldn't take them. Right? Like if I was dropped and I stopped at a gas station, I was like, which way is the airport? He'd be like, I'll work there, man. It's down the road on the right. I would be nodding so as not to engage him in further conversation.

I would pull over to ask for directions and be like, nope, not him. I would immediately ask another person for directions. That's the level of mullet that we're talking about here. Yes. And I'm going to go with best worst shirts. I'm sorry. Shirts is not the right word. These blouses will only ever make sense to me in the context of a lesbian bar. They were never meant for the straights ever. The blouses are glorious. Absolutely. They get worse.

They get progressively worse. No, they get better. I would say better. Yeah, I agree with Hannah. I would definitely say better i i don't know where in my notes i wrote it but i wrote the outfits somehow are getting worse by the end they'll be wearing lampshades made of jewish skin like that's the level of offensive yeah each new shirt becomes that was the clear trend of the data. Good extrapolating. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Let's get into it. The basics of life. Eli, do you mind being our lyricist for this? Not at all. Yes. As the one with closest to a mullet in personality, I'm happy to take this. Fantastic. Before we get

into the words, though, I just want to talk about the sweet reverbed drum kit that is just, it's just prominent in 80s music and it just screams, we're about to hear some Divor't buy anything? Yeah, it's right there. Yes. All right, so let's get started. We've turned the page for A New Day Has Dawned. We've rearranged what is right and what's wrong. Yeah, and for this one, we just cut to a guy standing in front of a train

and I'm like, yeah, fuck train. What are we doing here? Yeah. And he looks so sad. And all I can think is the reason he stood there so sad is that he just realized his friends have tricked him into getting that mullet like he's stoned off because they were lying when they said no we're all gonna get one it's gonna be great and then he turns up with one by himself that's all i can think is going on there

yeah we're watching this guy with a sentient mullet start singing in the middle of a diner out of nowhere. And I needed the people in the diner to react like human beings. Be like, hey, the fuck are you doing? Stop. Sir, this is a Waffle House. Get out. Well, I mean, to be fair,

they were a little busy smoking full force into each other's faces. You can taste it. Watching it, you can taste the cigarette smoke because it's so much. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Back to these lyrics. Somehow we've drifted so far from the truth that we can't get back home. Yeah. And I'm just sorry for a second. Going back to the regulars at this diner. We got Cowboy Steve, Gary the Depressed Postman,

Marcus the Hispanic Farmer, that kid from Hanson, Danny the Gamblin' Man, and there's always this ghost from the 1940s, and she's sitting in the back of every shot, and she's looking directly at the camera. Directly into the camera. Directly into my eyes.

It's an interesting cast. There's also, I think, a retired rodeo clown. Yes, there is. That is a fascinating character for a song. It should have been about that guy. I know. He's just trying to eat

his pre-suicide eggs over hammy. Yeah. And this guy's just singing right into his eyeballs. Just like a Billy Joel ballad like Leningrad about the guy would have been perfect. Yeah, no wonder they're all smoking.

Yeah. All right.'re all smoking. Yeah. All right. So back to these lyrics. Where are the virtues that once gave us light? Where are the morals that governed our lives? Not a rhyme. The lyricist is the anti-Noah. Good thing he's not here today.

He would have another heart attack. Okay. Do you remember in Pinky and the Brain when Pinky was the wandering minstrel and he kept missing the rhymes at the end of the setup? He'd be like, like, as we entered into the cave, I was scared and brain was Pinky was the wandering minstrel and he kept missing the rhymes at the end of the setup. He'd be like, like, as we entered into the cave, I was scared and brain was courageous or something.

It's like this song was doing that. They were trying to anger Noah personally. He's not even on this episode. All right, back to these lyrics. Someday we will all awake and look back just to find out what we've lost. Yeah, what have you lost though, white man from Alabama in the fucking 80s?

Like what could you possibly be lamenting right now in the world? What hardship could have possibly come your way? I think in his case, it's access to his kids more than once every other weekend. I think that's what he feels. Okay, but the tone of the song is saying I think in his case, it's access to his kids more than once every other weekend. I think that's what he says. Okay, but the tone of the song is saying there was like some kind of flourishing civilization,

like the Inca in 1980s Alabama. Yeah. The first batteries. All right, now we get into the chorus here. Oh, yeah. We need to get back to the basics of life. Sex? Is this song about fucking? Because I'm back here. Okay, I mean, just

focus on the basics. Stay in your lane. That is my mantra for sex. Like, that's good. That's good advice, I think. Sure. A heart that is pure and a love that is blind. Anonymous sex. Kingy, yeah. God's glory hole on board. Absolutely. Yes.

I wrote in my notes, I too would long for love that is blind if I had this mullet. So I get it. I do get it. Yeah. I refuse to be lectured on getting back to basics by someone with such an impractical mullet. You have no right to say that.

The hair and the shirt. Glory, glory, hallelujah. I just... A faith that is fervently grounded in Christ. Most disappointing reveal ever. Yes, thank you. That moment when you're like, oh, it's a timeshare presentation in a song.

They did that in a song. And this is where it becomes really clear that they are genuinely going for like the white Christian boys to men, like amen of the road kind of stuff. It's kind of like Luther Vandross, but like heavy on the dross is what they're going for. Yeah, exactly.

The hope that endures for all times. These are the basics. We need to get back to the basics of life. And we need to get back to the basics of the shirts. These men, they just hang out on street corners in their flamboyant lesbian button ups and their flamboyant lesbian mullets. And they just sing in four part harmony all the time. And I'm just kind of jealous, actually. OK, I get it.

You all just did a DJ set at a middle school dance, but maybe bring a change to that so you can then go to your music video with a different shirt. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, what if the guys who stand around outside your local 7-Eleven formed a band? It's this, it's this. They thought that to themselves. This was their answer. Yeah. Yeah. No, they bought beer for one too many teenagers and the guy was like, you can't hang out here anymore. And they were like, fine, Christian band. All right, let's get into verse number two here. The newest rage is to reason it out. You hear that, atheists? We're the newest rage. Yeah. Just meditate and you can overcome every doubt. After all, man is a God, they say. God is no longer alive. Fucking kids these days, they're skateboards and they're mindful breathing.

And they're Nietzsche, really? Okay, but back to the shirts. All right, this one's my favorite one. It's clashing patterns, black and white polka dot and multicolored harlequin. Like, ah, I love it almost, and multicolored harlequin. Like, ah. I love it almost as much as I love the close-up. The close zoom in on that thick caterpillar mustache on the man's upper lip. Yeah.

It's just like thick. It's wide. So, reminder, the last word was alive. Here comes the rhyme for that. But I still believe in the old rugged cross. And I still believe there is hope for the lost. Fuck you. There is no rhyme for that. But I still believe in the old rugged cross. And I still believe there is hope for the lost. Fuck you. There is no rhyme for what.

Yeah, we get a cute little call and response moment here. Like we get to see all the other band members and they are not memorable. But the shirts, very memorable. One looks like a sunset. You can barely hear the music over the loud shirt. It's insane. And I know the rock of all ages will stand through the changes of time.

Yeah. And we get a random cowboy. Yes. I had him as a pre-Meth Mike Lindell. That's what he looked like. Yeah. Yes. I don't know who you're...

I think both of them are now insulted by that comparison. I think I've somehow insulted Meth. Meth I think both of them are now insulted by that comparison. I think I've somehow insulted meth. Meth by association. Meth just pulling out its headphones. Fuck this punk. All right. Now let's get back to the chorus here.

We need to get back to the basics of life. Okay. And we get to see them, this chorus, in their full church band behind them, like, get up. None of them play an instrument. So when the main guy is singing, the other three guys just kind of awkwardly stand there doing nothing because they can't dance. That's gay. And they sure as fuck can't play an instrument. So they're just like, kind of bobbing their heads, trying to lean on a chair that isn't actually meant for their weight. And they're just like, okay, all right, cool. Yeah, standing, bobbing my head.

It's so good. They look like a gang of low-level Coke dealers got thrown into a musical against their will. And then they were like, snapping? Fuck. And this is the point at which the main singers sat backwards on a chair trying to be cool. And I'm surprised it took two and a half minutes.

I thought it'd be way sooner than two and a half minutes that we got our first back on the chair. Yeah, we should have opened on that shot. The diner chair should have been turned around backwards. A heart that is pure and a love that is blind. A faith that is fervently grounded in Christ. The rest of the band here trying to clap in time or like tap in time, but they're so far off it's worth it. You and I tell me the five count at the start of the band here trying to clap in time or like tap in time, but they're so far off. It's worth the five count at the start of the recording. The professional musicians behind them are just like,

oh, wow, this is what we got ourselves into. Okay. The hope that endures for all times. These are the basics. We need to get back to the basics of life. Surprise, Horse Girl. Yeah, she was pleasant. I enjoyed her. these are the basics we need to get back to the basics of life surprise horse girl yeah she was pleasant i enjoyed her honestly i feel like that should be on a bingo card also we get a random old couple they appear to have just had their expired coupon honored and

they're celebrating together romantically you You know, the basics of life. That's the basics of their life for sure. Yeah. All right. So here comes the bridge. We've let the darkness invade us too long. We've got to turn the tide. And they pan over the diner regulars as if to say, look at these hooligans. Yeah, absolutely.

One of them is even reading. Who do they think they are? This moment is in black and white. So, you know, it's evil atheist cowboys at the time. So they're trying to have this dark moment. But then the pan goes across a big chocolate cake on the counter. Sure does. Hey, Carol.

It totally ruined their dark moment. Somebody's just like, oh, I want a piece of that chocolate cake. Oh, sad cowboys. Carol, can we move the giant cake so that the last image of the fallen world isn't a big delicious cake? No, fuck you. All right. You want a piece or not? This is also one of my favorite

laziest moments of the lyrics here. Oh, and we need the passion that burned long ago to come and open our eyes. I wrote in my notes, I think he means racism. Oh, God. He's lamenting the loss

of something burning, but it's not passion. It's crosses. It's 100% crosses. Yeah. There's no room for compromise. And if that last line doesn't say

all you need to know about Christianity. So now that song does, I love this, a quiet chorus. Yes. Like an acoustic remix. Shut up.

So again, we need to get back to the basics of life. I need you to whisper this very sexually. We need to get back to the basics of life. I need you to whisper this very sexually. We need to get back to the basics of life. A heart that is pure and a love that is blind. Hey, a golem?

Hey, is that your sexy whisper? You can't pick up normal. You need a pervert microphone. Heath, you of all people know, you can't whisper into the microphones we use for podcasting. You need a pervert microphone to do it. We don't have pervert microphones. I have several of those.

Well, they're for other businesses. You only have an evil whisper microphone and not a sexy whisper microphone. Exactly. Yeah. And over this acoustic version, we get a couple hugging in one of those fields that looks lovely

from like a ways away. But when you actually step onto it, it's like 90% mud and cow shit. And so they're just kind of like, standing there awkwardly in it, just looking at each other's faces. And you can see, they're just like,

oh, please just get this shot so we can get the fuck out. Burn these shoes that we have on. Burn them. And this was, I think, an anti-choice moment for the music video. So they show a baby bump on this woman. And then the guy looks down with like happy surprise. Definitely felt like anti-choice moment.

And the best they could come up with for that was couple does a mime of not having an abortion. So that's what we see. Okay. Yep. Get excited. Buckle the fuck in because they're about to do a key change right here. Oh, yeah, baby. Let's pop that song up one entire musical step.

That's how you know you're supposed to get your lighters out. You're supposed to praise Jesus. By the way, we are now on the fifth reading of the chorus, in case people are keeping track at home. We need to get back to the basics of life. A heart that is spirit, a love that is blind, a faith that is fervently grounded in Christ, the hope

that endures for all times. These are the basics. We need to get back to the basics of life. Oh, but then what happens then? We're going to go the minor. We're going to go a little minor. We're going to go the basics of life. Oh, but then what happens then? We're going to go the minor. We're going to go a little minor. We're going to go the basics of life. You hear that? That's a denatural. That's how edgy we are. Denatural.

Yeah. I was deeply afraid they were just going to start this song over from the beginning and the song would reach some kind of horrific coda loop. But no, no, they go to the minor and then they close it out with the basics of life, the basics of life, the basics of life. They go to the minor and then they close it out with The Basics of Life, The Basics of Life, The Basics of Life. They have five

seconds left and somebody's like, I know minors also would do one now. Pretty cool, right? Andrew Lloyd Webber just runs onto screen. That's my thing, you motherfuckers. I don't care for gay people, which is weird given my audience.

To drop this. Alright, I think we made it. I don't care for gay people, which is weird given my audience. All right. I think we made it. And I think we all learned an important lesson about life. Basics or something. So Anna, how did you go about fixing this thing? So there are a lot of ways I could have gone. Lot to mend, if you know what I mean. It all comes down to like

our thesis statement, right? So the basics of life. What does it mean to be basic? Is it all pumpkin spice lattes and avocado toast? Or is the answer right there in that last word? Toast.

Sure. Toast. Life. And I hope you like what I came up with. it's called the basics of toast the basic of life the basis of bread no all right hit it anna Living today, it kind of feels like a chore Headlines in the paper are pollution and war Sometimes the things that would usually comfort

Don't comfort no more. What about your work life and your legacy? Your dreams, obligations, the American dream? They're all just distractions from the actual facts of our lives We need to get back to the basics of life Where carbon-based life forms on a planet that's ripe with hydrogen and oxygen and carbon dioxide, sulfur, nitrogen, phosphorus too. Yeah, these are what make us. We need to get back to the basics of life.

Remember your hormones. Control your emotions. The only things your brain really likes are dopamine and oxytocin. So don't you be stressing about your vasopressin. Sleep with melatonin. And feed your body. With carbs, fats, and proteins. And feed your mind.

Looking at your cat's toe beans. Go fill your muscles with tears till your body repairs them With those sexy amino acids We need to get back to the basics of life With carbon-based life forms on a planet that's rife With hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon dioxide Sulfur, nitrogen, and phosphorus too These are what make us

We need to get back to the basics of life breathe in that oxygen and nitrogen with ease and about one percent of the gases too oh and breathe out that co2 because it feeds the trees It's the most important job you do In the vast ecosystem The system of life We're made of carbon atoms Capable of forming up to four But less than bonds with other atoms.

Fuck yeah! We need to get back to the basics of life. The carbon-based life forms on a planet that's right. With hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon dioxide. Sulfur, nitrogen, phosphorus too These are what make us We need to get back to the basics of life We need to get back to the basics of life

The carbon-based life forms on a planet that's right It's hydrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide Sulfur, nitrogen, phosphorus too We're feeding the trees These are what make us, we need to get back to the basics of life. The basics of life. The basics of life. The basics of life. The basics of life

The basics of life Fantastic, as always. And that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday.

An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Big thanks to Anna, big thanks to Marsh, big thanks to Eli,

and of course to all the Patreon donors, new and old. The new ones will be able to bask in lavish accolades and apt adulation packed in rapid assonance in the casts at hand. And if you're feeling financially benevolent like those fine people, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, and that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you don't have the money for giving away money, we get it. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us.

And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. I'm recording. Yeah, I'm recording. Everybody's recording. Morgan, I'm recorded. Everybody's recording. Morgan, I apologize in advance if I fucked this up. Cool. That's helpful.

It's Morgan right now as he hears. Hopefully you're hearing something through a mic, Morgan. That's all I'm going to say. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.