The Scathing Atheist - 576: Quantum Leap Day Edition

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

In this week’s episode, we’ll dust off some old headlines for you while we’re in Florida, Ben Shapiro will make sure there’s plenty of dust, and Don Ford will join us in not being here this week. --- Get tickets to see us live in Orlando this Saturday night! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117?aff=oddtdtcreator --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Talking About the Big Stuff podcast here: https://talkingaboutthebigstuff.com/

Winning this week's episode contains fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the International Consortium for a calendar that makes fucking sense. A calendar that makes fucking sense, because you almost couldn't do worse than the one we landed on if you tried. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi everybody, I'm Michael Cole. And I'm Matthew Krupat.

And we're from the Talking About the Big Stuff podcast. And after 45 episodes of talking about life's big topics, we can indeed ensure you that we did indeed evolve from filthy monkey men, women, and non-binary friends. It's Leap Thursday. It's February 29th. And we're in Florida. Send help. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Martha Stewart's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll dust off a few headlines you might have missed. Ben Shapiro provides the dust. Or his wife does anyway. And Don Ford will put the sass back in G-Sass. But first, the diatribe. Okay, I know this is going to sound silly, but I have had today's date marked on my calendar for more than 11 years.

It's a big milestone for the scathing, well, sorry, it's a milestone for the scathing atheist. Because as of today, February 29th of 2024, this show has now had at least one episode debut on every possible calendar date. See, when we first started the show, like most neophyte podcasters, I was a bit obsessed with the show statistics. I can still tell you how many listeners our first episode got in its first week. It was 77. I remember trying to make that seem big in my head by imagining a room with 77 people in it all listening to our show together. But yeah, I tracked every possible stat. I crunched every possible number. And when I ran out of reasonable shit, I moved on to unreasonable shit, like checking to see when we would have achieved the meaningless milestone of having a show on every calendar date.

And then in an almost delusional act of podcasting confidence, I marked that date more than 11 years hence on my goddamn calendar. I'd completely forgotten I'd done that, of course. And then I saw it pop up on my calendar at the beginning of this month, and I was awash with the nostalgia. And then I realized that we've been doing the podcast so long that I can be nostalgic about parts of it. So I was awash with like a secondary wave of meta nostalgia too. I was drawn back to a time before the show. So like over the years, I've had plenty of chances to answer the why did you start podcasting question on the record. You know, so like over the years, I've had plenty of chances to answer the why did you start podcasting

question on the record? And I've answered it in a few different ways, all of them true. And because there are multiple reasons anybody does anything. So if I'm on a show about atheism,

I'll talk about the religious injustices that I witnessed that spurred me to want to do something about it. On the rare occasion that I'm being interviewed about the business of podcasting, I talk about, you know, needing a creative outlet and seeing a hole in the market. But when I'm among friends,

I will tell the most honest story of all. I just felt voiceless. I remember those days on message boards and comment sections, tilting at windmills in impotent rage. I felt like I had something to contribute to the conversation, but it kept drowning in this unending sea of accommodationist apologetics. The can't we all get along backlash to new atheism exemplified by those damnable coexist stickers confronted me at every corner. And every time I pushed back against it in the name of logic or decency or inclusion, a thousand voices came in to shut me down. Now, look, I've grown up a lot in the last 11 years. I was hardly a child when the show started, but even a casual sampling of our archives will show that we've all come to appreciate our privilege a lot more here at The Scathing Atheist. The very idea that a middle-aged, native-born, cishet white man in

America felt voiceless seems laughable in retrospect, as does the fact that I thought the problem with Atheist in 2013 was that they were too damn nice now that I think about it. But I've never lost hold of that feeling, or at least I've tried really hard not to. And I've done so specifically in hopes that I could continue to serve as a conduit for other people who feel the same way. See, nobody really gives a shit what I think about things, and I never expected them to. I'm not an expert in anything, despite what I pretend over on Citation Needed. So I never set out to tell you what I think so much as to wrap the best possible words around what you think. Of course, I don't know you. I don't know what you think. So the best I can do

is to try to grasp at the universal elements of what I'm thinking and then put them out there and trust the audience to sift itself until I land on people whose thoughts I can express. And to the extent that there's a formula to my diatribes, it reflects that. I generally start off on something personal and then zoom out until I reach something universal. Like for instance, starting with a weird note on my calendar from 11 years ago and zooming out until I reached the feeling of frustrated voicelessness amongst atheists. Of course, in a lot of ways, this show has robbed me of the very motivation that inspired it. It's kind of hard to feel voiceless when you're on a dozen and a half podcast episodes a month. So I have to go hunting for it sometimes.

half podcast episodes a month. So I have to go hunting for it sometimes. I'll scroll around Facebook and Reddit and various comment sections looking for that person in the same boat that I was in all those years ago. Now, I mostly stay out of the fights themselves because one time too many, I've unloaded two barrels of counter-apologetics on some random Facebook comment, only to have a listener I've never met reach out to me and say, I appreciate all the work, but that's my grandma and she's crying now. So I stay out of it, right? Like most of the time, but I'm still lurking. So if you find yourself engaged in one of those seemingly fruitless battles, keep that in mind. You might be my inspiration. And again, zooming out to the universal, you might also change the mind of an observer,

or you might offer sucker to another atheist too flustered to engage. And you might inspire yourself to do something that turns out to be the best job you ever had. Anyway, sorry for all the navel-gazing. I guess most podcasts restrict this kind of thing to their X hundredth episode or whatever. But when you think about it, my random milestone is at least more meaningful than that. So, you know, happy leap day. Some of us have been waiting for this one for a long fucking time. Joining me for headlines tonight is nobody, because we had to leave early for the Orlando show, but we recorded a bunch of stuff in advance,

and that includes a few extra headlines that we've been saving up over the last few weeks. So, with apologies for the time that I disappear and suddenly become Marsh, we'll join headlights from the past already in progress and in fine don't bless the rains news regular listeners to the podcast will remember that last month the pope's minor guy of a committee of something or another announced that you could give blessings to gay people as long as they were in ceremonies that in no way looked like or even had people dressed like they were getting married.

And as long as you didn't accidentally say they weren't sinners who were going to boil in hell. To which the Western media responded, yes, queen, first gay pope pope lead the pride parade we love it great guy no notes oh my god i feel like appointing benedict before him was the papal equivalent of tanking at the end of the season right francis has to clear such a low bar you'd have to dig to measure it yeah and this is francis like climbing down into that ditch and then tripping on the bar, but just barely clearing it.

You know, being like, ow, who put a Nazi bar in this ditch? Okay, I made it, but why was that there? Is there a child under that bar? Anyways, and look, you might remember that we here on the Scathing Atheist podcast were a little grumpy about said papal plaudits because to paraphrase our position fucking what that's nothing you said nothing well it turns out the pope has some exceptions to the people who might want to give blessings to gay couples and it is the continent of africa oh which he explained this week was a his words not mine special case ohikes. Did he fucking rub an open patch of white skin

while he was saying special? Wait, that's the liver spot. No, I meant here, right here. And look, I know sometimes I can get a little creative on this podcast, perhaps punching up or exaggerating the opinion of the villains we talk about on this show to comedic effect. But let me read you this actual quote the Pope gave.

He was talking to the Italian newspaper La Stampa, or as it's known in America, the musical Stomp. And he was talking about how people who objected to last month's announcement. And here's what he had to say about the continent of Africa. Quote, a special case are Africans. For them, homosexuality is something bad from a cultural point of view. They don't tolerate it. But in general, I trust that gradually everyone will be reassured. It aims to include, not divide.

End quote. You can tell Africans are especially bigoted by these bumps on their skull. Let me show you. I'm going me show you. I'm going to show you over here. Yeah, let me help. Yeah. So, you know how united the continent of Africa is in both culture and viewpoint? That African culture, yes.

The country called Africa, yeah. Yeah, don't worry. The Pope does. They all hate gay people on that continent, and that is fine for them peoples. people on that continent and that is fine for them peoples. They don't have to listen to him, the guy who talks to God because they're, you know, kind of

working it out in their own way on the continent of Africa, apparently. So, yeah, I guess stay tuned next week where I'm sure the Pope will let us know which exceptions he's carved out for Jews about money lending and the Irish about drinking. Okay, and money lending there's

irish bankers too right i don't think that's true i'm gonna check i think you made that up like the dead sea scrolls i might have made it up and in beg your pardon news sometimes in the world of evangelical christianity it's not just about being awful it's about being awful enough and christian and radio host alistair beg is learning all about that after giving only a medium bigoted amount of advice on the subject of LGBTQ weddings got his ass fired. Specifically, he counseled a grandmother to attend a wedding that included a trans person because not going might interfere with her future ability to fix that trans person, which, by the standards Christians apply to their radio hosts, was too damn woke. Guys, we do cold calls

to fix people. Everybody likes cold calls and being fixed. We are Christians. Okay, just once, I'd like to see the alt-right backslide happen in the opposite direction in these situations, right? Next week, this dude just comes out in a Black lives matter t-shirt starts calling us the they them nation you know yeah so so yeah so the advice happened off the air apparently but beg talked about it

on his show he's talking about this conversation he had where her grandma asked if she should attend her grandson's marriage to a trans person so he's like okay so first of all have you made it clear that their partner is going to burn in hell because Jesus rejects trans people? And then grandma assures him that yes, indeed, she has bigoted at her grandson. And he says, okay, well, then you should go. Specifically, he said, quote, your love for them may catch them off guard, but your absence will simply reinforce the fact that they said, these people are what I always thought, judgmental, critical, unprepared to countenance anything. quote we're gonna have to take this risk a lot more if

we want to build bridges into the hearts and lives of those who don't understand jesus and don't understand that he is king end quote okay you ever see black klansmen we're like that but i we're the clan i guess what transphobe whatever be a spy is what i'm saying okay just to be clear that guy i was just voicing was too woke for christian people yeah that's too woke that's the story yeah right so he doesn't say you should set aside your bigotry out of compassion right he doesn't say do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. He says it's to your tactical advantage to stay in that person's life with the hope that you can still convince them to join our religion and reject all this demonic, sinful, gay stuff. He predicated this all by the fact that grandma clarifies her bigotry up front.

But even that was clearly too much for a lot of Christian conservatives. This all happened, apparently. He said this on his radio show in September. But after the clip was shared on a right-wing media site last week, the Christian culture moved to culturally cancel him, which led to the show being dropped by hate group radio behemoth, the American Family Association.

Guys, it's impossible to keep track of how much we're all hating all the stuff. Can we get like a shared Google Doc with like dials on it or something? Guys, Eli did the spreadsheet of who we hate again. This thing's a fucking mess. There's no way. All forward.

Now, to be clear, Beg is a bona fide bigot with years of homophobia on the record. While he has stood by this advice through the controversy, he's not doing so without emphasizing that he still rejects the personhood of trans people and the legitimacy of same-sex weddings. Come on. But neither that nor the dozens of anti-LGBTQ bullshit books that he's written were enough to save him from the anti-woke

mob who equated his counsel to telling a dad to drive his alcoholic son to a bar. So yeah, it's nice to see them eating the flesh of their own and all but it's probably not a good idea that we're giving them a taste for human flesh. Yeah. And next up in headlines, we have a delightful combo. We have a bad guy fight,

a tie-in with Mike Lindell, a tie-in with Lauren Boebert, a connection to QAnon, and a Republican weeping in public, all in one little story. It might be the most efficient news item we've ever seen, like schadenfreudily speaking. During a Republican event that's in a feud with another Republican event,

we heard from a crazy person who's worked with Lindell, Boebert, and QAnon, and this person burst into tears during their speech. Yeah, it's the she doesn't even go here of Republicanism, everybody buckle up. Yeah, I know it's like a real story and shit, but it feels like just Heath was running behind on a checklist going into this. Doesn't it though? Nope. Thank you.

It is real though, I promise. And a big thanks to Dan for sending us the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com. Measure you so good, Dan. Measure you so tight. So it all happened at the Turning Point Action Conference on Monday. Turning Point is the Christian right group founded by conservative activists and rejected Donald's villain mascot, Charlie Kirk.

And the Turning Point event is very intentionally happening at the same time as the Republican National Committee's winter meeting, because Charlie Kirk thinks the RNC is too woke. Turning Point even named their conference Restoring National Confidence, because that's also RNC. Oh, shit. Fucking got them. Okay, but also their base is so fucking stupid that they knew they were going to get some amount of foot traffic by stealing letters, right? It was a win-win for them.

Right, right, yeah. Now, you do not want to see the names for the conference that they rejected. I mean, to be fair, they gave Charlie Kirk's acolytes this initialism knowing there was an N in it. They had to know it was coming. Yeah, exactly.

So one of the speakers at the Turning Point event was Sharana Bishop. You might also remember that name as the former campaign manager for Lauren Boebert. You might also remember that name as a person being investigated by the FBI for leaking personal information and voter data from Mesa County, Colorado, and giving that data to QAnon conspiracy lunatics who were convinced that Joe Biden and, of course, the ghost of Hugo Chavez had stolen the 2020 election. And, of course, that was also part of the journalism that Mike Lindell was doing for his upcoming cinematic chef d'oeuvre, Absolute Proof. Well, Sharana Bishop decided to recount

this tale of woe during her talk. She started by telling the audience that she's part of the Lindell team and explained that she's such a close associate that both of them had their houses raided by, quote, large teams of heavily armed federal agents using a battering ram. OK, look, I know that's not true, but it would be really funny if it was, right? That would be fucking hilarious. Got the Mike Lindell boiling oil from a tapas parapets or whatever. Or it is true, either way. I don't know.

It'll never keep me alive. Okay, so from there... Please kill me. From there, we got the best part. Bishop went into basically a pre-eulogy for Lindell, who's having a really bad time right now, you guys. Really bad and sad. He keeps losing at everything.

Those are almost her words. She said, quote, Mike Lindell is losing everything. Yikes. To gain a country. That's what we're doing right now. And then she started to say, in the face of unbelievable hearts. And that's when she broke down and she wept. It was a very solemn moment. So we here at the Scathing Atheist would like to offer a moment of silence for Mike Lindell.

Did somebody say my name? No, no, Mike. We're fine. It's fine. Nothing. Oh, okay. Hey, do you guys know how long I can park on the street outside before they tow me to a junkyard while I'm sleeping,

put my car in the crusher as a joke, but then ignore my screams to do it so I can go to heaven? No, man. Okay. You guys want to put me in a crane machine? No, we do not, Mike. Nope.

You can fuck me in it. Unless now. Still no. Okay. And in Shapiro, no, you didn't news. If you're like me. Ben Shapiro's wife told him he had vaginal disease. There it is.

Sorry. There it is. There it is. Your dark passenger once again rides with you. If you're like me, you might have found yourself thinking, damn, this feels like a bad simulation quite a few times over the last few years. Like somehow our universal simulator is running on a Dreamcast or being modded by 4chan perhaps.

And we got further motivation to run really fast at walls hoping for an exit this week when right-wing pundit and vaginal liquidity denier Ben Shapiro released a rap video. Because this is the internet and that's how it works now. Okay, I will be calling him

Dr. Dry from now on. That's fantastic. And I'm pretty happy about it. And by the way, just so you know, Eli, I see you trying to goad me into an argument about how Dreamcast's dual CPU system was actually very good

once developers got used to working with it. I'm going to deny you that satisfaction. I threw you the 1994 LaserDisc game as recompense. I felt like it was okay. So yeah, released in collaboration with MAGA rapper Tom McDonald, the track, titled Facts, hit the airwaves last Friday and is predictably awful, with a chorus that reads,

quote, I don't care if I offend you. I was put here to upset you. Come on, you and you right away? Right. Come on. I know some letters. They are S-T-U-V-W. Does my rhyme scheme trouble you? ran out of rhymes for you online too

you like you can do multiple u's just put some effort yeah he continues you can cry and you can scream you can riot in the streets you defunded the police now there's no one to protect you but well to be fair they the thing we mostly needed protected from was them, though. You weak in hand told me, I'm not. If this guy or Ben Shapiro broke into my house, I'd feel safer somehow. Yeah, exactly. I at least got this guy.

I hope I offend you. Well, then you do care if you offend me. This is very confusing. You're contradicting yourself. I ask myself, what would Ben do? Let's just keep it real. He'd learn to rap at PragerU ask myself what would ben do let's just keep it real he'd learn to rap at prager you is what he would do let's just keep it real facts don't care about how you feel man if you want my pronouns i'm the man i'm the man who don't respect you oh my god guys he said my pronouns are and then followed it with something that wasn't a pronoun what a clever witticism why that should be the only joke they'll need for years i'm sure

but can i say ben shapiro's verse is actually somehow worse sure is now i'm not going to do the whole thing because reading these idiots words in a bland voice would technically make this a cover but it goes quote let's look at the stats i've got the facts my money like lizzo my pockets are fat homie i'm epic don't be a wap seriously he still doesn't understand what that means doesn't understand what that means dog it's a yarm understand what that means. Dog, it's a yarmulke. Homie, no cap. Look at the graphs. Look at my charts. You're blowing money on strippers and cars.

That's cars was his rhyme for charts, by the way. Charts. Come on, just ask your collaborator for help with the rhyming. He could have told you it was charts that rhymes with charts. It would have been fine. It's a secret weapon. Look at my numbers. You're blowing money on strippers and hummers.

Like there's so many ways you could. Fuck. I sound like a shart, right? There's a lot of stuff you could do then. He continues, you're going to prison. I'm on television. Dogs, no one knows who you are. Yeah, don't you ever go write a rap about you he rapped

this is my favorite part of his version keep hating on me on the internet my comments section all woke Karens and I make racks off compound interest interest by the way that's rhyming with internet in case you lost track

I genuinely sat in front of my computer trying to be like, interest. There's no way to do it. Anyways, y'all live with your parents. Nikki, take some notes. I just did this for fun. All my people, download this. Let's get a billboard, number one. Wow.

Yeah. So sadly, that last line actually seems to have worked. According to the Daily Beast, within hours of the video's debut, Facts had climbed into the top five of the iTunes charts and number two on the iTunes rap charts. As of writing this

story, it was still at number one in the category. Yeah, it's the kind of thing where the achievement is lowered rather than the achiever elevated sure yeah yeah and apparently nikki minaj gave him a big congrats on this and okay if nikki minaj and ben shapiro become a rap duo first of all i'll be very excited oh yeah it better be called drought cast or i will be furious. Phenomenal. He could be Dusta Rhymes too.

Yeah. Well done, sir. So, yeah, I mean, look, it feels weird to end this story with a call to action, but please, podcast listener, download and buy a rap CD that isn't Ben Shapiro's. Literally anyone. i perused the

itunes this morning and there's a gentleman named creepy nuts he appears to have a track called bling bang bang born okay why not give that one a try huh whatever you can do to make ben shapiro sad and prove him wrong you You should too. As often as possible, please and thank you. And in build that wall news. Sometimes being the last person in means that you get the shittiest room in the Airbnb or the smallest slice of pizza or the least accommodating hole. But other times, dear listeners, it means that Heath and Eli have already picked their stories for the week

when Brian sends the most amazing goddamn story I've seen in years to scathingnews at gmail.com. Thank you, Brian, so very much, because this is the story of a conservative Christian couple in Canada deciding they'd had enough of their nation's wokeness and acceptance of LGBTQ people. So they sold everything they own and moved to that bastion of traditional christian values that is vladimir putin's russia moved to russia this is the best oh and that's going exactly how you think it's going it's going so badly from it's the best i would like to endow a fund to make this thing possible for any republicans here in america yeah being assailed by the woke, just like these people in Canada. Oh, yeah.

Must be tough for you. I got you. I don't have a lot of money, but I'll do my best. Yeah. Maybe we can get a piece of the Trump fraud ruling. I feel like there's some crossover for the victims, right? Right. So, yeah.

So this is the story of Arendt and Anissa Feenstra, who decided to pack up their eight children and move to Novgorod. Because in Aron's words, quote, there's a lot of left-wing ideology, LGBTQ, trans, just a lot of things we don't agree with that they teach here now. And we want to get away from that for our children, end quote. Wow. Real quick, though, somebody named Anissa met and fell in love

with a person whose last name was Feenstra, and she was like, fuck, okay. Yeah. I guess this is happening. So, as you'd expect for somebody who lists

LGBTQ and trans as two separate issues, it doesn't look like they thought this through very well. Like, for example, neither of them bothered to learn the Russian fucking language, which makes a lot of shit hard.

Like, for example, when the bank freezes all your assets because you have a suspiciously large amount of money and you're not a Russian, it's real hard to explain yourself to them. No, we love Ruskiki we also knit gay people yet spot fuck uh glass nosed that's all i got don't worry guys the russian government are super chill about americans who break laws in their

country just offer the guy the bank a fat doobie. He'll sell right down. Right. So, yeah. So these idiots find themselves in Russia in February with no access to their money because I'm guessing the bank would like to keep that money instead. So Anissa says, you know what? I think a great idea would be to go online and post a video of how backwards and shitty Russia is. I bet the Russian government would be super cool online and post a video of how backwards and shitty Russia is. I bet the Russian government would be super cool with me doing that. So she does that. And then the next day that video is deleted.

And her husband shares a video where he apologizes for everything. His wife said, assures everybody that everything's actually pretty fucking awesome. And he damn near bursts out into a rousing rendition of the hymn of the Russian Federation. Smart guy. Right? That dude's not actively hanging out a ninth story window in the video, but he's got a very pre-fenestrated look about him.

Yeah, sure does. Just him and Tucker Carlson frolicking through a supermarket together, sniffing the bread, playing with the amazing shopping carts way down the aisle together. No squeaky wheels. Okay, but this brings up the question, okay?

If Russia isn't treating their own people well or American sycophants well, who the fuck is Russia mistreating everyone for, right? Is Vladimir Putin just sitting on a throne of hams like the ghost of Christmas present? Where's this all going? Yes, and that's exactly what's happening.

Yes, he's the richest man on earth. Yeah. Asked and answered. Now, as much as I delight in the misfortune of these idiots, I feel like I have to temper it

with the fact that they brought along their eight innocent kids. So here's hoping this resolves with them getting back to Canada where we can, you know, gay up their kids or drink their adrenocon, whatever it is that they're trying to protect their kids from.

Yeah, right. The chemicals. Yeah. But according to the comment section on his video, the smart money is an Arendt being declared a foreign agent and taking up that cell Navalny just moved out of. So, you know, I'm happy with either ending, to be honest with you. Next up in headlines in natural porn killers news. Fantastic. A story about covenant eyes. That's the app

that helps Christian people stay on the wagon during their ongoing struggle with addiction to pornography. You install the app on all your devices and it narcs on you to your pornaholic sponsor

if you ever look at naked stuff. And it also sends that pornographic content to the sponsor, which... Really? Seems like a weird extra step that they don't need. Right. Well, yeah, now that I know that, I really want to talk Christians

into being my porn sponsor. Right? Well, teach them a few things. The people at Covenant Eyes are hoping to expand their user base and they recently came out with a new ad campaign. It's based on a superhero character named Colossal Man

whose only weakness is addiction to porn. Fuck yeah, it is. Oh, okay. But if he accidentally rips his dick off while masturbating, I feel like that's infringement on our intellectual property. Thank you. Yes, it is.

And a big thanks to Stormy D for the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com if you want to help out. So you might remember hearing the name Covenant Eyes a few months ago when Speaker of the House Mike Johnson proudly announced that he uses the app alongside his accountability partner. That's what they call the sponsor. And that would be his teenage son. Well, apparently that was amazing publicity in our insane country full of creepy evangelicals just weeping cum from their eyes like Winnie the Pooh with honey. Terrifying. Podcast listener, that's a reference to this month's bonus episode

over on Godawful Movies. Heath is not having a psychotic break. Quick heads up. You don't know that. That's right. He's not just having a psychotic break. As I was saying that, I was like, I hope somebody clarifies about that. So, the company

got some extra momentum based on that, and they created a cartoon mascot whose kryptonite is porn. In addition to Colossal Man, other characters include his very attractive accountability partner and also the evil genius villain who keeps sending porn links to Colossal Man's phone. Oh, please tell me his villain's name is Ian Cognito. Please, please. All right. I'll admit up front that whatever name they came up with for this character, I was going to turn it into a dick thing anyway.

But Colossal Man, guys, did you need to make it easy on me? So, along with the new ad campaign, co-founder Ronald DeHaas did an interview with the Christian Post. And it's crazy for the Christian Post. That's hard to do. It is very hard to do. Yeah, it's tough to make it happen. At one point in that interview,

he claimed that boys as young as six years old are, quote, marinating in porn. He said that boys as young as six years old are, quote, marinating in porn. He said that. Well, it moistens the adrenochrome. It gives that rich, porny flavor. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

So from there, he went on to explain that porn makes it impossible for young men to have a relationship with, quote, a real woman. And he concluded by describing porn as quote a civilizational crisis if men can't have kids it's a civilizational problem end quote porn does not make it impossible to have a relationship with real women like my porn alerts me to hot young singles in my area all the time. Yeah. And look, can I say, I'm sure the men whose molars are floating in their backed up cum make way better husbands and fathers.

Oh, sure. Yeah. All right. And just in case we have any listeners who have any anti-porn crusaders in their life, here's a quick tip. If someone's trying to defend Covenant Eyes, definitely mention their other high-profile client besides Mike Johnson.

That would be Josh Duggar. Aww. Yep. Yeah. He's currently in prison for sex crimes, including the possession of child porn. And that means either A, the app is really easy to get around and pretty useless, or B, the app spreads child porn by sending it to your accountability partner. Oh, Jesus. So just to recap, I got to say this again.

It's insane. I have to repeat this. A piece of anti-orgasm software got endorsed by the highest ranking Republican in the country. Republican in the country. And that app company started making more money on their product, which is called removing units of pleasure

from the universe. Those are all things that happen. Sure are. And in seri-ligiosity news, there are many parts of society that are going to be irrevocably washed out to sea on the tidal wave

of artificial intelligence. It's already taken food out of the mouths of writers and artists. It's changed the way that crypto scammers flood your Twitter mentions with soft core pornography. And it's made it easier than ever for corporations to completely ignore your customer service requests. You can even create like perfect sounding deep fake voice clones of your friends for blackmailing purposes. A fact that in no way explains Eli's continued ability to convince me back onto episodes of GAM.

Do you want the podcast to continue forever after we're dead or not, Marsh? Or not? And so with so much change already underway, next against the wall in the AI revolution will apparently be the way that you interact with the omnipotent deity of your choice. Okay. AI God is going to be like an atheist with weird fingers? I'm totally cool with that.

I like this. So this comes according to an op-ed for The Conversation by Professor Sriva Saharasaranamam. The mainstreaming of AI. Fucking got him. Every time that guy signs his name, he's like, fuck you, white people. I have even spelt it phonetically later, but I didn't get to do it the first time and I shouldn't.

According to it, the mainstreaming of AI will come with a fundamental altering of society's engagement with faith and spirituality in a number of interesting ways. So firstly, Strievers points out that AI can help us read old manuscripts that are falling apart or written in languages that we can no longer understand to see what was actually originally written. And he even cites an example from the computer scientists at the University of Kentucky who used AI to read a piece of papyrus that was burnt in the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in AD 79,

and they deciphered that it contained the word purple. Which is great, because now we know exactly what color hats we should be wearing when we beat our slaves and force women to marry their rapists. Or it said nurple. Also not helpful. Why did you do this? I already have a feelingless computer to explain the Bible to me. His name is Dan McClellan and he is a TikTok treasure marsh. A treasure, I say. And the thing is, you know, while I would absolutely enjoy watching a trained computer

read the foundational texts of various religions and then tell people definitively what was actually written and what was actually originally meant, I don't imagine, like, the religious factions of the world are just going to drop their own

millennial-old interpretations of the rules and get on board with this new council of A.I.C. Fantastic. Knowing what was originally in the book and how narrowly and stupidly it was meant at the time. That's a complete anathema to modern religion. That's their kryptonite. They can't have you do that. Yeah. The other thing that's anathema to religion, a supremely logical brain that knows all the data. This goes badly for them. But like you said, it won't matter because...

fucking because. Right. And plus, given what a prude they made GPT-4, it's probably going to refuse to talk to you about a third of these books.

Which brings us to the next prediction Professor Saha Saranam makes that AI could bring a misinformation and misrepresentation threat to religion. Because the article cites the viral picture

of the Pope in a puffer jacket, but it points out that while that image was created in fun, extremist organizations could use AI to create fake religious stuff with the intent of spreading division and hate. And I do get it, I get it. Because can you imagine a world where people used made up

religious doctrine in order to hate on other people and other them? Yes, you can. You've been living in that world for several thousand years now because misinformation and misrepresentation isn't a threat to religion. It is religion. That's what that is. Right. Also, I have the right to my sincerely held deep fakes about the Pope and his puffer jacket. And, you know, the usual defense against misinformation, which is to only trust what can be reasonably proven and backed up. Religious leaders can't exactly start telling their congregants to hold that standard, can they? Because the issue for religion here isn't that misinformation gets spread, but it's that the misinformation being spread isn't theirs because they worked really, really hard to pull that ladder up and they'll

be damned if they let anyone else in on that racket. Yeah. OK, I understand that people want to be careful with AI technology, but horning in on the action of religion is a weird way to phrase that. He's just describing competition in the market with religion. I don't know. Immune from laws. They're obviously breaking. Don't pay their taxes. Sounds like AI companies are nailing the religious institution thing to me, guys. I think they're already there. They are. Still, Srivastav ends his op-ed with a note of positivity based around his own Hindu faith, speculating that AI can accelerate our economic prosperity, own Hindu faith, speculating that AI can accelerate our economic prosperity, liberating us from social inequality and the yoke of labor, and therefore freeing us up for the pursuit of spiritual fulfillment and the growth of faith-related pursuits. Which feels a lot like he's saying

there's going to be a higher intelligence that comes along and magically makes all of our lives better, so we don't need to worry about doing the messy work of actively trying to improve the world and the lives of others, which might actually be the most religious sentiment in this entire article. Yeah, there you go. He finally identifies the good part of AI, but instead of landing on, you know,

universal basic income as the next logical step, he's like, yeah, so the good part of AI, it's going to free up plenty of time to do the bad part of AI, but like the old analog version with bigot stuff. Cool. Yeah. I'm very excited for his next article. Kentucky just passed a law that my son is allowed to use his tiny fingers to work in the chat GPT mines. Is America too free?

So personally, I think it's also a deeply rose-tinted notion to think that advances in AI could make us more dedicated to religion, because artificial intelligence is an obvious threat to religion. And we know that's definitely true, because religion can't even currently survive an interaction with just the regular kind of intelligence. And on that note, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Recording of Heath saying Jumanji. Thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Don Ford also won't be here this week. So yeah, I guess he's got to find a whole new group

to do the wild hunt with this year and everything. Woof. That's tough. Oh, should I drop him a text? Yeah, but don't tell him I told you what happened. Just be like, hey buddy, Eli mentioned you were having a rough time in the Feywild. I want to send you some love.

So he doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Hey guys. Hey Don, when did you get here? Oh, Eli told me everything that's going on with Wool. Poor guy. I know. Oberon is such a prick. You guys ready to start Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where

we act out the Bible so the audience doesn't have to read it? I sure am. Now, where were we? Matthew. Right, and Jesus just showed up. Well, yeah, he showed up, and Satan dared him to do some miracles, and he said no. Yeah, he

did. That was kind of anticlimactic. Yeah, well, don't worry, because Jesus is going to miracle it up hardcore for the next little bit here. But first, he's got to finish up with his Sermon on the Mount. Okay, so let's see. Where was I? Oh, right.

Don't make a whole showy thing of your prayers and don't hoard money. You should be humble and unconcerned with worldly goods. Think only of heaven. Right. Yeah. Real quick. Yes.

Question. Now, when you say all that stuff about money, does that mean don't have a multinational TV network based on prosperity gospel. Don't do that. Okay, yes, don't do that. It definitely means 100% don't do that. I'm literally saying you have to choose between God and

money. Yeah, got it. I will make a choice then on that. Are you going to choose God? Yeah, you're not going to choose God. All right. Sorry about that.

Okay. So let's see. Don't give holy things to dogs or cast pearls before swine. Sorry, Scruffy. I'm going to need that sepulcher back. Hey, you heard him. Okay, let's see. The golden rule. Okay, you guys should totally do that.

That's great advice. Yeah, very smart. Oh, yeah. And most people are totally going to go to hell. So, you know, try not to be one of them. Sorry. Whoa, a lot of questions today. Was not expecting this.

Who am I, Tony Robbins? Sorry, I just wanted to clarify. Are you saying that right after the golden rule in the Bible, Jesus explicitly says that most humans go to hell? Okay, I mean, I say destruction, but it's pretty commonly understood to mean not heaven, so yeah. And you're God? I mean, spoilers, but yeah. Right.

So then you created most humans to burn them in fire forever. Um, well, yeah, I guess so. Okay. Yeah, I just learned to get that straight. Hey, this is my good speech. It is. Yeah. Good one. Okay, this is my good speech. It is. Yeah. Good one. Okay, let's see.

Um, I hate trees that don't bear fruit. Pin in that. Oh, and not everyone who says I'm God gets to go to heaven. Wait. They don't? No. They're going to be like, but I was the Christian and I killed demons for you and stuff and i'm

gonna be like um sorry who are you bye sorry why are you gonna do this um you know because ew so most people are gonna go to hell and even some of the people who worship you and use your name and power to defeat the devil are included in that number? Yes. You know what? You remind me of your dad more and more every day. Thank you. And that is the

Sermon on the Mount. Wow. That is not great. No. No, it's not. And it's about as good as it gets. Yeah. Okay. I mean, what happens next? Well, now it's time for Jesus to do some miracling. So he heads down from the mountain with everybody following him and he runs into a leper. Oh, Jesus. Oh, hey there. Please, Lord, may I speak with you? Um, I actually have a thing that I need to go...

Yes, but you see, I am a leper. Oh, no way. And I have been driven from my home and society. And my flesh droops from my bones. Yeah, I got that, yeah. All who see me are disgusted by my appearance and flee from my sight. Feels like you're using a lot of S's on purpose. So, Lord, if it is your will, make me clean.

There it is. Okay, sure. Here you go. I'm healed. You sure are, but, um, hey, don't, you know, don't tell anyone that I touched you, okay? Oh, is it because you're so humble, Jesus? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it, yes.

Got it, got it. It's too late. We all followed you down the mountain. We totally saw you touch that guy. It's gross. Oh, shit. So now it's time for another miracle, this one from long distance uh jesus quick word oh love the outfit what are you supposed to be yeah i'm a centurion uh leader of the roman army

oh i've always been more of a trojan man myself sure sure uh look one of my servants has a palsy myself. Sure, sure. Look, one of my servants has a palsy. I was hoping you might cure him. Okay, sure. Bring him by. I'll give him the old one-two miracle, I guess. He's at home and I'm worried if we introduce him

that's going to do a voice. Oh, no. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. You heard what he did with the leper, right? It felt very problematic. Really? We're not doing lepers now? What the fuck happened to us? Okay, look. I get it, but if I can't see him, what should I do?

I mean, you're the son of God. You don't need to, like, be there to heal him, right? You could just say he's healed and he's healed. We used to be fucking comedians. You know what? I guess healed and he's healed. We used to be fucking comedians. You know what? I guess that's true. Yeah. Okay, he's healed.

All right, awesome. You're one hell of a savior, Jesus. Gotta hand it to you. Oh, be careful with that expression. You don't want to offend the lepers. The preferred term is person experiencing leprosy. Jesus Christ. What?

No, not you, the swear. Mother, I have brought my master Jesus here to visit you. Oh, isn't that nice, Peter? Forgive me, Jesus, I would rise to serve you, but I am an old

woman and very sick. There you go, all better. I'll have an iced mocha if you got it. But it's the Bronze Age. Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about when I say not everyone is getting into heaven, okay? I'll see what I can do.

That's better. And so all that day Jesus cast out devils and he healed the sick. He did everything to fulfill the prophecy of Isaiah. Sorry, Noah. I'm narrating here. Sorry, I just I want to know if the Bible actually says, trust us, Jesus totally fulfilled the prophecies of Isaiah. Yes, it specifically says that.

Sloppy. Sloppy, says the author of Sassy Gay Jesus. Oh, people are loving Sassy gay jesus how dare you anyway jesus has noticed that he's been followed by a crowd at this point and he sends most of them away okay okay everyone thanks for coming tell your friends that not everyone's getting into heaven great to see you yes thank you Thank you. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. Master.

Oh, hey there, scribe. You're not going home? No, master. I will follow you anywhere. What? Oh, crazy. It's like birds have a nest and foxes have their holes, but there's no little place for Jesus to sleep.

It's so sad. Yeah. Uh, I guess so. I'm totally coming with you too. I just have to bury my father who died and then I'm coming. Uh, wait, wait, no. Don't, don't do that.

What? Don't bury my dead father? No, stay with me and the scribe here. We're going to find a little cozy little nest somewhere, aren't we? Oh, um, yeah, okay. Ooh, never mind. I want to catch some sun on a boat, you guys. Sorry to hear about your dad.

Yeah, thanks, man. You bitch, it's coming or what? So Jesus and his disciples are catching some sun when a storm brews up. Oh my God, you guys. I needed this. You know, I really needed it. They say that the B12 you get from the sun is like the most potent cure for depression, you know? I don't think they say that.

Jesus, Jesus, there's a storm headed our way. We're all going to die. Oh, don't worry. I got this. Daddy. Hey, kiddo, what's up? Oh, make it go away. You got it, kiddo.

Nice. So now what was I saying? Oh, and you know what happens if you eat a pineapple and a lemon at the same time? It cures your depression. Oh, I told you already. Boo. So then the next day, Jesus heads out to see the Gergesenes So it's pronounced Gergesenes? I guess so I just waited for Noah to pronounce it in the intro Don't get meta on me, Peter Well, if it isn't Jesus Christ Yeah Are you here to torment us before the time?

Uh, before what time? Um, the time when you torment us? No. Oh. Okay, well, if you're going to send us away, could you do it into that herd of pigs? I mean, sure. Be gone and stuff into those pigs.

Oh, no, we're being cast into pigs. Oh no. And my pigs went over a cliff. I felt like they actively wanted me to do that, right? Yeah, very much so. Okay, I thought so. Um, people, people, what's with all the rabbling you got? We want you to leave, Jesus.

What? Why? I am the son of God. You killed the leper and now he's touching everybody. You killed my pigs. They were filled with demons. Only because you put them in there. Okay, they asked for that. So say no next time. You told my son he couldn't go to his father's funeral.

I don't even know how to make a mocha. Okay, fine, fine, fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted. I shall leave you people on your own. Back to my boat I go. Ungrateful. And so now Jesus heads back to his own city. Jerusalem.

No. Bethlehem? Also no. The Bible just says his own city, which Mark later clarifies is actually Capernaum, but I think that the prophecies were already getting pretty hard to keep track of for Matthew. So they just keep it vague here. Anyway, he arrives there and there's a miracle opportunity waiting for him right there on

the dock. Capernaum, finally. Excuse me. Are you Jesus? Oh, you see this? They've already heard of me. Right, so this dude has a palsy. Hello.

Okay, you were right. He totally did a voice. A lot of palsy around here. Jeez. Yeah, fun fact. Palsy is a pretty common result of a bacterial infection. But because it came on and went so quickly, people tend to think of it as something magical. Um, alright, that is a fun fact. Kind of kills my bit, but it is fun.

I'll give you that. A little help here? Right. Uh, sorry, so can you heal him? Oh, oh, right. Yeah, sorry. Your sins are forgiven. Mm-hmm.

Now, I know what you're thinking, right? Wait a minute. This guy is some kind of fraud. I asked to be cured, and he forgave my sins. What's the deal? Forgave my sins, yeah. Well, okay. Curing you is just as easy.

Now, get out of here, you little rascal. Oh, wow. I'm better. I mean, that was a weird way to tell me through a moment of showmanship, but hooray! Thanks, Jesus. You're welcome. At mean, that was a weird way to tell me through a moment of showmanship, but hooray. Thanks, Jesus. You're welcome. At least he's not doing the voice now.

Honestly, that's why I healed him. Yeah. I asked Heath that he said it was okay and his dad had it, so it's fine. You can't get mad. We actually, no, we did not discuss it. Okay, I had a feeling that you didn't.

Yeah, so. Taxes, taxes. Everybody come pay your taxes. Oh, hey, Matthew, right? Yeah, it's me. Who wants to know? Oh, I'm Jesus. You should stop collecting taxes and follow me.

You know what? Sure, I hate these people. Oh, that's great. Is there any reason you sound like Tony D? It's an homage to our accountant. Oh, I'm sure he loves that. He does not. He does not.

So with Matthew on board, the disciples of John the Baptist have some questions. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Jesus? Oh, hey guys, what's up? Yeah, we couldn't help but notice that you, gosh, what's the word? You party? Oh, I party? Yeah, you know, we're always fasting and we don't hang out with tax collectors and you just kind of do. So what's up? What's up with that? Oh, that is a great question. You see, I am the party. You are the party. That's right.

Look, I appreciate you guys fasting and not hanging out with the elite and all, but that's all as penance for me not being here yet. And ta-da, Now here I am. Right, yeah. So, if we hang out with you, we get to party now? Yeah, you're damn right you do. Come on. Right. I'm in.

Excuse me, may I interrupt? Um, sure. Who are you? I am a certain ruler. Seriously? Yeah, I mean mean mark says that my name is jarius but this book just says i'm a certain ruler matthew you are such a catty bitch am i right anyway i totally called him out anyway can you help me my daughter is, he sure can. I saw him giving one of the guys on the boat mouth-to-mouth earlier. Totally worked.

Oh, um, yes. That's exactly what I was doing. Mouth-to-mouth. That's what I do. Excellent. Excellent. Follow me up to the castle. Here she is, Jesus, my beautiful daughter.

Dead. Please use your famous reviving skills to revive her. Oh, do not worry, Your Majesty. I've seen him work on a dead man for hours before bringing him to life. Such a wonderful savior. Right. Thank you, Peter. Okay, here we go.

Just gonna... Oh, would you look at that? She was just asleep. I'm awake! Oh, she was! Well, ain't I a stinker. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wait, does that actually have a story in it? You mean in the Bible? Yeah. Yeah, everyone laughs at the king. Freeze? Yeah. Uh, yeah. Everyone laughs at the king. Freeze frame. Freeze frame, yeah. Well, that tidily ends with him asking that question.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, you kind of ruined the mood. Way to be a downer. Hey, guys. Did I miss the freeze frame? Yeah, sorry, Matthew. This jerk ruined it. Oh, fuck you. I wish I was still there. Fuck you. You sound like a pug of peg corn.

Oh, I... And on that note, we're going to close things out for the week but we'll be back in a month with even more Bible Peace Thea. Before we let this episode slip below the horizon, I want to remind you that you have one last chance

to pick up tickets to see Godawful Movies Live in Orlando. There are still a few general admission tickets available at GodawfulMoviesLive.com, and the show is this Saturday night. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy I've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode

of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even new episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't hold my head up high unless I thank Heath Enright for always coming through, and Eli Bozik for always coming quietly, at least when we're recording. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, though I know better than to roll her in with all the coming jokes. I also want to thank Michael and Matthew from the Talking About Big Stuff podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Be sure to check the show notes

for a link to check them out. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, whose names I don't know because we had to record this episode early, but I promise I will thank you by name on next week's show. Together, this indeterminately large but determinately awesome group of people

helped keep the lights on again this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not like that, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson

handles that for us us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content

and info on the contact page at skatingadeist.com. Got any more bits? No, I'm good. Well, not until you start to hit. Obviously, there's a three-beat on this. Yeah, thank you, Noah. Respecting.

It's Thursday. What do you got? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.