The Scathing Atheist - 594: Pray-triotic Edition

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

In this week’s episode, we’ll catch you up on the headlines you missed, we’ll let Don Ford out of his box for a while, and Jesus will get downright parabular. --- Get your tickets to see Gam Live in Boston: https://www.crystalballroomboston.com/events/god-awful-movies/ --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Guest Links: Learn more about Skepti-Cal here: https://www.skepticalcon.com/

Warning, this week's episode is not safe for work. So quit, fuck that job anyway. They don't love you like we do. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Factor, Babel, and by the new form of SCOTUS-approved underwear, the theology string. The theology string. Because that's the only way religion could be more up your ass than it already is. And now, The scathing atheist.

Hello, this is Bill Patterson, aka Alex Skeptec, host of Skeperty, a quiz show that will be featured at this year's Skeptical Conference in July, SkepticalCon.com. Please join us for this online conference on science and skepticism, brought to you by Northern California Skeptics Organizations and presenting many thoughtful and interesting speakers, all of whom did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's July 4th. And it's Independence Day! Should've stuck with England. Yup.

Um, no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnik. I'm Heath to stalk with England. Yup. Um, no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Shaquille O'Neal's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll catch you up on the headlines you missed. I take another strong stand as a United Empire loyalist. And Jesus will get downright for-rab-bular. But first, the diatribe.

Alright, I'll make you a deal, Oklahoma. You can have your Bible classes, but I get to teach them. You've no doubt heard about this shit already. Since the Supreme Court's made it so abundantly clear that we're in full theocratic freefall, the state superintendent of schools in Oklahoma declared last week that every Oklahoma classroom will be required to have a Bible on hand and to teach from it. And before you try to dismiss this with thoughts of fair play, before you say, oh, we'll see how they feel about that when we bring in a Quran, a Bhagavad Gita, and the

Satanic Bible and start teaching from them, I need to remind you that we're not doing fairness anymore. Well, hell, we never were, right? The SCOTUS couldn't be more clear on this. We're not doing away with the separation of church and state. We're doing away with the separation of the Christian church and state. The rest of the religions are still on the other side of the wall. Just look at the statement from said superintendent. Ryan Walters, whose effort to start the nation's first fully funded public religious school just got thwarted by the state Supreme Court, announced the policy on Thursday, but he was real careful to avoid using the term religious as he talked about it.

He said he was mandating Bibles for every classroom because they would impart in his words, quote, historical understanding, end quote. To further galvanize his lie, he added, quote, the Bible is a necessary historical document to teach our kids about the history of this country, to have a complete understanding of our legal system, and is frankly, we're talking about the Bible, one of the most foundational documents used for the Constitution and the birth of our country." Now, not that you need me to tell you this, but I should still point out that every fucking word of that is a lie. The Bible does not impart a historical understanding. If anything, the Bible's atrociously bad chronology is going to confuse the fuck out of anybody

trying to reconcile its timeline with the historical one and it's certainly not a Necessary document to teach our kids about the history of this country As you may have noticed the United States doesn't appear in the Bible Unless you buy the fucking Donald Trump version and despite the desperate Protestations of pseudo historian David Barton and his ilk the Bible was in no way used in the founding of this country unless one of the Founding fathers used it to steady a wobbly fucking table. Hell, portions of the Constitution were specifically rewritten to sound less biblical because they were so loathed to leave the impression that their work was biblically inspired. The Bible is also not necessary to understand our legal system.

Turns out that in our country, it's presently illegal to beat your slaves regardless of how quickly they wake up. Turns out that rape is illegal even when the victim doesn't scream, even if she's in a city. Turns out that you're allowed to pick up sticks on any fucking day you want. Hell, 10 years ago, I'd have said you'd learn absolutely nothing about modern jurisprudence from the Bible. Nowadays, I'd say, you know, at least it's going to tell you where the fucking Supreme Court is trying to get us.

But other than that, it's got fuck all to do with the American legal system. And whatever tenuous strings a legitimate legal historian might draw between the two would certainly be over the heads of Oklahoma's middle schoolers. And that brings us to the chief lie of his misdirection. The notion that the Bible is, quote, one of the most foundational documents used for the Constitution and the birth of our country, end quote. That's the crux of their revision. That's the doorway that the court's theocratic majority left wide open to Christianity and only Christianity. The deciding factor on First Amendment violations is tradition.

It's historical precedent. It's longstanding practice. Of course, there are plenty of fun ways to make the biblical learning requirement backfire, right? All it would take is one day a No Illusions, dirty Bible stories to make Ryan Walter swallow his vomit. One day a baby smashing, daughter enslaving, dung facial livestock, genociding, shitbread baking, scroll eating, piss drinking, God moonmoaning rape victims selling slave-beating Horse emissions and maybe he'd be rethinking his mandate, but that's no more realistic right? That's not a real solution

I don't expect school teachers in Oklahoma to sacrifice their jobs in protest of this shit And even if they did I wouldn't want to subject fifth and sixth graders to the barbarism of that book of horrors to make a point That's not to say there's no recourse here Groups like Americans United for separation of church and state have already signaled that they're going to sue to try to keep this mandate From taking effect and they might even win. I seriously doubt it given the theocratic proclivities of this court right now, but they might The whole point of due initiative is to see where the new line is. This iteration of the court has tossed out every existing precedent when it comes to church-state separation, so what we're seeing now is Christian zealots testing the boundary. And make no mistake, we're going to walk right up to the line on this. Given the current

makeup of the court and how young everybody is, I expect to see Mike Johnson with a knife over his son on an altar before the Supreme Court actually intervenes. Now I'm going to tell you a sad fucking truth here, okay? None of us are going to live to see in America as religiously free and pluralistic as the one that I grew up in. Maybe some of you who are in high school or college, maybe, maybe you will. And we might all live to see a more free, open, and liberal society.

That we probably will see, but very few of us stand any chance at all of seeing a world where religious freedom meant what it did in the Halcyon days of 2013. And knowing that makes it harder to fight. Knowing that you're never gonna reach the starting line makes it really hard to run the race. But the further back we fall, the more important it is that we keep running.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We're able to wrap this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is nobody. We've had a bunch of extra headlines stacking up over the previous month, and we figured we'd get them to you before they started to get stale. But first, a word from this week's first sponsor, Factor. Dirty Dan's House of Mayo? Like mayonnaise? Probably not.

Yeah, probably not. Hey guys, whatcha doing? Hey Noah, Heath and I are just trying to find healthy places to eat while we're on vacation this summer. Yeah, it's way harder to keep our food goals while we travel. Well, why don't you guys just try Factor? What's Factor? Factor's fresh, never frozen meals are dietitian approved and ready to eat in just two minutes. So no matter how busy you are, you always have time to enjoy nutritious, great tasting meals. And we can take them on vacation?

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Alright, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Head to factormeals.com slash scathing50 and use the code scathing 50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. That's code scathing 50 at factor meals dot com slash scathing 50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. All right, Noah. Thanks. Hey, do you want to go to Dirty Dan's House of Mayo when we're

in Boston? I don't want to go to any restaurant with dirty in the title, no. Yeah, that tracks. That's good policy. And now back to headlines from last month already in progress. And in pros and connies news, the Republican Party just voted against the right to contraception. And nobody should be surprised. I mean, if I was a Republican, I'd be worried about getting bread

out of existence, too. The bill in question is called the Right to Contraception Act, and it would guarantee the legal right to prevent pregnancy. But the woke ideas of the fucking roaring 20s were a little too advanced for the GOP and the bill failed to reach the 60 votes it needed to bypass a filibuster in the Senate. And of course, it happened almost exactly along party lines with every

single Republican, other than Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins, either voting no or not voting at all because they're cowards and they'd be voting against approximately 90% of the country. If Republicans thought enough Christian white men were holding their breath, I think they might vote against oxygen. Really? Yeah. If Republicans thought enough Christian white men were holding their breath, I think they might vote against oxygen. Really? Yeah.

And a big thanks to Juice for sending a link to SkatingNews at gmail.com. Indeed. You get free condoms from the bowl in our common room whenever you want. He's joking. We don't believe in condoms. Yes, we do. Okay. We do.

We feel weird. And we have a common room in the podcast averse. That's right. So here's the argument from the Republican side They started by claiming the bill wasn't necessary because there's no threat to the right to contraception Yes, there is a fucking lying. Of course there is and they wrote a letter ahead of time Promising to vote against democracy and explaining their very obvious lie that letter said quote against democracy and explaining their very obvious lie. That letter said, quote, there is no threat to access the contraception, which is legal in every state and required by law to be offered at no cost by health insurers.

And it's disgusting that Democrats are fear mongering on this important issue to score cheap political points. So then you would just obviously vote for it, right? It's not they wouldn't score any points if you voted for it. Exactly. At best their argument is We're saying no because we hate the people we're supposed to be running the country with. Well, right, so you know their excuse for standing in the way of contraception access is that it's unnecessary because nobody is standing in the way of contraception access. necessary because nobody is standing in the way of contraception. Exactly, that's SAS.

Actually their argument. The GOP also mentioned one other argument in their letter. And sure did. I guess they didn't want to tell another obvious lie like that first one. So this time they went with insane obvious lie. It was a completely different kind of obvious lie. Totally different tack. They claimed that the bill would mandate

condoms for little kids. And I'm not exaggerating. Those were exact words. Condoms to little kids. Again, quoting from the GOP letter, this bill infringes on parental rights and religious liberties and lets the federal government force religious institutions and schools,

even public elementary schools, to offer contraception like condoms to little kids." Religious institutions? We'd like to legally protect contraception, so communion has to be done with flavored condoms now? No deal! Right! That's exactly what really fucking happened! tech contraception so communion has to be done with flavored condoms now no deal that's exactly what really fucking happened all right so as hilariously untrue as this is it also it's important to point out wouldn't fucking matter no right who cares if kids have condoms they'd blow them up like balloons or

something if you're gonna make shit up at least make shit up that has a consequence yeah so just give him that. Like we'd fill him up with gravel and hit each other with it was fun. But it was not sexual. It could be both. And of course, the ridiculous posturing about not the bill is all about the upcoming election for lots of these Republican senators. And that includes Josh Hawley, who's running for reelection this year to once again

represent the Republicans of Missouri, despite also famously running from those people on January 6th like a Panicky Extra from Cloverfield. Bottom line, based on the senators they come up with in absurd red states like that, those are the places where we need to kill more babies. We have to do it. But also in blue states, we got to kill more babies however we can that's our whole thing we're just trying to kill more babies kill more babies yes where's that bumper sticker and in if it weren't for the spacesuit this would be a great idea news

nasa just launched a creationist into outer space and ken ham can't shut the fuck up about it so the creationist in question is one Barry Butch Wilmore, a 61 year old astronaut who's been doing this whole space thing since piloting the space shuttle Atlantis on a mission back in 2009. He spent over 180 days in space and more than 24 hours on EVAs or spacewalks in an attempt apparently to prove that there's no such thing as a smart person job. Which, to be fair, has been the ongoing theme of the past 10 years of American history or so. Sure has. Maybe we don't, you know, drain the swamp

when it literally is rocket science. Maybe that swamp, we let it go with the experts. And creationism gets fucked up by just rock science. Like, stay in your lane. Right. I'm sorry, did he just avoid looking out of the window for 180 days? I have so many questions, right. About that time on the space station.

So, yes. A quick thanks to Samuel for sending this one to us at scaling news, a Gmail dot com, knowing full well that I would be unable to resist space shit. A phrase that autocorrect is determined to turn into spaceship, by the way. I was very hard to type. But yeah, Wilmore is the captain of the two person crew that tested out Boeing's new Starliner spacecraft, which in a departure from Boeing's corporate tradition worked. Okay. You can't count on those guys for anything. Right?

Yeah. So as we get launched, Wilmore, along with presumably more historically grounded Sunni Williams into orbit with the strict understanding that if they met any aliens along the way Williams would do the talking. Now they made it to the ISS using science but since Wilmore seems to be convinced that religion is a better way to determine the truth I'm sure he'd be up for my challenge of making it home using prayer instead. Though to be fair actually based on the five helium leaks discovered aboard the ship when they got there that might already be Boeing's plan Yeah, they're going up in the rocket. Hey, butch. We're about to hit the firmament. Ah, no, it's nothing that's

Hey butch butch look out the window, it's the end of the scroll that is the earth I'm just kidding. He looks every time. He runs over every time. Hey Butch, you got a little stain on your shirt. The chest part of your shirt right here. Oh my god, oh my god. Every time. We don't bully enough up here. This is fun. We got to be nice to Russia and China. This is good. Tried to give him a wedgie, but the G's didn't make it. Yeah, just moved him up. And look, I can't find anything online where, just right. Just moved him up. Yeah. Now, and look, I can't find anything online where Wilmore actually addresses his creationist

beliefs. I can only find Ken Ham sploogen all over himself about it every time Wilmore makes the news. But among those blog posts are ones about Wilmore taking his fucking kids to the Ark Park and the Creationist Museum, which, quick reminder, teaches children that people used to ride fucking dinosaurs before the biblical deluge. He also apparently gave a presentation at that same museum.

So whatever else happens to you today, at least you've learned that you're overqualified for the position of astronaut, at least in terms of intelligence. Yeah, that's fair. But if your hand's bigger than your face, it actually means you have cancer. You got him again. You got him again. You got him again. And in more like Miss Gachel news, children's entertainer and educator Miss Rachel acknowledged

that gay people exist this week. So you know what that means. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. That's right. To celebrate the first day of Pride Month, Miss Rachel posted a video in which she said, quote, happy pride to all of our wonderful families and friends.

This month and every month I celebrate you. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're exactly who you are, end quote. Which I think we can all agree is basically telling Christians she's sad the Lions missed their great-great grandparents. So the usual band of assholes was as outraged as you're predicting. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I barely made it through that quote without sucking a dick. I don't know how children are supposed to resist.

Of course, yeah, obviously. I did not make it. Yeah. So first off, big thanks to Jamie for the link to scathingnews at gmail.com. Jamie, Keith will have an hour long phone call with you anytime you like. So first off big thanks to Jamie for the link to scathing news at gmail.com Jamie Keith We'll have an hour-long phone call with you and you far man far. Absolutely not Okay, just let us know. This isn't funny first up Documentarian and three-time failure at having a human facial expression Matt Walsh Reposted the video with the caption. Miss Rachel is an extremely popular YouTuber who makes content for babies and toddlers.

She just posted a video celebrating Pride Month. This is a message to conservative parents. She doesn't want your business. You should respond accordingly. Yeah, they should. And that usually means buying a bunch of Ms. Rachel merchandise and having a bonfire of,

effectively, their own money that they gave to Ms. Rachel. Maybe get Kid Rock to shoot the bonfire with an assault rifle. So we know to take you seriously because they're serious people. Yeah. I love how often they underscore their irrelevance by accident, right? Folks, what she's saying is that we're such a small and unimportant and forgotten piece of society that she doesn't really care if we all... Shit. Fuck. Hold on. Come back. Come back. Go around. Come back. Yeah, but Matt Walsh wasn't alone. Abby Shapiro, that's right, sister of desiccated vagina enthusiast Ben Shapiro,

stitched the video on TikTok saying, quote, Pride Month is so annoying. Annoying? Fuckin' gaw. Fuckin' Pride Month. I'm flouncy now because of primemonger. Come on, come on. In what world do toddlers need to be talking about this? Why do parents have to grapple with whether or not to show their children something about letters

and numbers and songs, because the host can't keep politics out of their mouth? Oh, they don't have to do that because that's insane behavior to grapple that. Yes. Yeah. That video, by the way, was followed immediately by Abby's next offering, how to turn your apartment from a turn off to a turn on. Leave? Is it you leaving? Well, wait, but so I'm sorry, what are these conservatives picturing? Right? Like dude watches that video of Miss Rachel with their kid. And it's over the four-year-olds like daddy

Who is miss Rachel implying some people fuck in her opening monologue? I think black lives might matter dad But of course no Christian freakout would be complete without a contribution from the logarithmically named 1 million moms for those unfamiliar the current Twitter followersically named one million moms. For those unfamiliar, the current Twitter followers count for one million moms is 4,313, which is almost half of Heathen, right? Or as he'll be known from now on, two million moms. 2.4 million moms.

Exactly. Either way, this is their hallmark with their website saying of the pride reading, quote, Miss Rachel said she is a Christian and her faith is really important to her. And yet by promoting sin, she is accepting and teaching children to do the same, even though it is clearly against God's teachings in the Bible. One million moms must remain diligent as we continue to stand up for the biblical truth, including passages such as Romans 1, 26, 27, which prohibits sexual perversion of this type.

Okay, no it doesn't. No. Read your own book. It says, men had gay sex and they received in themselves the due penalty, which is very much up for interpretation. Also, it starts by saying that God chose to make the people gay. Regardless, it's not a prohibition.

You can have the gay sex and receive in yourself the due penalty. It's like a tax. Yeah, exactly. They conclude, Scripture repeatedly states that homosexuality is wrong and God will not tolerate this sinful behavior. Won't he?

No, you'd be surprised what he can tolerate with enough lube is all I'm saying. Yeah, it's really, it's about breathing. Now for her part, Miss Rachel said she's a Christian and that Jesus tells her to love everyone, which I mean, look, I'd prefer there to be zero poison in my milkshake, but I point this out because Miss Rachel, like a lot of progressive Christians, quotes that Matthew 22 verse when the guy asks Jesus for a TLDR, which, which side note is a weird thing to ask the Son of God anyways. But when liberal Christians tell that story, they say that and then Jesus is like, oh,

love God and love your neighbor. But that's not what Jesus says. Right? Jesus says, love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment and the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and prophets hang on these two commandments. It's not an and statement.

It's a first then statement and the bigots think they're doing the first thing. Yes. And look, I'm not trying to shit on Ms. Rachel here or her faith, right? She rocks and she taught my son that little five more minutes left to play song. But the defense against bigots is that bigotry is wrong. Not that they're incorrect about what the book says, because they're not.

The book is wrong, and that difference matters. Exactly. And on that note, we're going to pause for a quick break for a word from our other sponsor this week, Babbel. Say hi to your mother for me. Less aggressive. Say hi to your mother for me. I think it was worse there.

Yeah, because it was slow. Hey guys, what's with the jumpsuits? Are you guys trying to start a boy band again? We talked about this. Okay, first of all, Bald ING has a lot of potential and two, no, we're getting ready for our Boston live show on September 7th. Yeah, we want to be fluent in the language before we're in Beantown. Obviously, I've watched The Departed like 40 times. Guys, if you want to brush up on your language skills,

why don't you just try Babble? What's Babble? It's the science-based language learning app that actually works. Babble's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. I don't know. Those language learning apps sometimes feel like random word generators. Am I gonna actually learn how to talk to people? You sure are.

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and Anna used it to work on her Swedish before our big trip last year. I especially love how their speech recognition technology helped me improve my pronunciation and accent. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now you can get 55 percent off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel dot com slash scathing. Get 55 percent off Babbel dot com slash scathing spelled B-A-B-B-E-L B e l dot com slash skating rules and restrictions may apply. All right. Thanks, Noah.

Great. So will you guys lose the jumpsuits? No can do Noah. Seriously? Yeah. We're both doing a boogie nights underneath. Sure. Next up in headlines in putting the holy sea in comedy news. In one of the better accidental jokes of all time,

the Vatican hosted a humorless comedy event last week. Yes! Pope Frandy Kaufman invited 105 comedians from 15 countries to attend a gathering that was meant to, quote, establish a link between humorists and the Catholic Church. The comedians in attendance included Chris Rock, Stephen Colbert, Whoopi Goldberg, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Jimmy Fallon was also there. Possibly the most offensive part of the whole thing. The event consisted almost entirely of funny people walking up to the Pope's weird throne thing and shaking his hand like a book signing for a dying author. And that's it. That's the event. Not a single comedy performance. So like, I feel like the plan was originally for a huge comedy show and everybody got there and then they were like, okay, but so there are no jokes about the kidda rape. And everyone's like, I got nothing. I got nothing. Sorry, we have to cancel the...

They're just all tearing up their paper. Chris Rock was like, does someone want to slap me? That's been a good bit for me. Okay. Bold prediction about this. I think the Pope literally did this as a, they won't bully you if you invite them over to your house to see your pet rabbit. And it's the most empathy I've ever felt for the Pope.

It's gone. Definitely. It's gone and there's none now, but it was the most empathy I've ever felt for the Pope. It's gone. It's gone and there's none now, but it was the most there ever was. For sure. Stephen Colbert's mom had talked to the Pope's mom and made him go. 100% And a big thanks to Katie for sending the link to skatingnewsatgmail.com. Katie is the lucky recipient of some kind of weird behavior from Eli, as usual. Not a sex one.

A normal one. Cool. Yeah, much better. Nailed it. So, here's the reasoning behind hosting the event. No kids. The Pope said that comedians can help humanity with all the gloomy news by doing japs, except without the japs.

Again, no comedy was ever performed at the gala of comedians. According to Frankie, comedians can perform the miracle of making people smile despite all the terrible stuff that's happening in the world. And then he listed some terrible stuff in the world done by his church. He said of comedians, quote, "'You denounce the excesses of power, "'give voice to forgotten situations, highlight abuses,

point out inappropriate behavior, but without spreading alarm and terror, anxiety or fear." You all heard what Eli said about not doing the kid fucking material. I'm just saying, maybe you all have some bits about the ticker talk man. That sentence could very easily have ended. Unlike those assholes at scathing atheists. It felt very personal. So apparently one of his handlers at the Vatican heard that and he was like, Hey man, maybe you don't invite them to roast exactly all our bad stuff, or at least be a little more clear about how, you know, we're on base because we're God HQ. So Frankie added a bit more, underscoring the rule about jokes, no backsies.

He said, quote, humor does not offend, does not humiliate, does not nail people to their faults. It's never against anyone. Yes, it is, but is always inclusive and proactive and arouses openness, sympathy, and empathy. He's never heard a joke before. He has no idea. He continued, we can even laugh at God, but without offending the religious feelings of believers, especially the poor. Adding quote, Heath. Why especially the poor? Okay.

Oh, would you look at all those poor people in South America? What? They're Catholic, you say? Well, I would hate to hurt the feelings of a poorer person. Joke about a poor man with glasses who's Catholic. Yeah. So, look, I'm not going to condemn all these amazing comedians, but yes I am. Yes I am.

It's fine that they all attended, but it's insane and wildly unethical to show up and not at the very least break into a flash mob roast during which the Pope and the Catholic Church get blasted for being a child-raping cabal funded by literal Nazi gold. That's just jokes forever. It could have been the greatest news story of all time and the greatest celebrity roast of all time. But instead, they all just shook hands with the guy at the top of that corporate structure that I just described, and they all just smiled at the old man in the silly costume and went home. Maybe they'll do some roasty jokes later, but that's nowhere near good enough. Be better.

Yeah. Okay. Look, I know it's not the final story and this isn't the game, but 10 seconds on the clock, better bits than shaking the Pope's hand. Go. Uh, scissor kick to the chest. Yep, that was going to be mine too. Okay, yep.

Already better, mine too. Yep. Come on, Chris Rock. You slapped the Pope? Oh my God, yeah, that would have been perfect. Chris Rock, if you would have... That would have been literally the funniest thing I've ever seen. Well, it's the second funniest after the Four Seasons thing, but yes.

That's true, yeah. And in Allura the Slurre news, the man who runs the world's largest, oldest and most well-funded anti-LGBTQ hate group used an anti-gay slur again, and the masses are shocked by it. You'll recall three episodes back when we talked about Pope Frankie Lysaurus shocking a group of bishops by saying that some seminaries were getting all F-slurry or whatever, and in a rare admission of fault from the infallible guy the Vatican issued an apology and promised that he would never do it again, which he

didn't for weeks on end that we know about. But according to multiple news sources and the director of communications for the Silesian Pontifical University in Rome who was in the fucking meeting, he did it again in a meeting with priests last week. Okay, there must have been a don't ask him about gay stuff internal memo by now, right? I hate sloppy. Yeah. Sloppy. Clearly.

So a quick thanks to Zachary, who was the first to send us this story at scathingnews.gmail.com. Zachary, as thanks for making my job easier, I named one of the squirrels in my yard after you. But yeah, so as you'll recall, the main excuse put forward last time was that Pope Francis, a native Spanish speaker, wasn't aware that the Italian term he was using was offensive, which fell apart in multiple ways, most notably the fact that the comment still would have been offensive if he had used an inoffensive term. Also clearly sounds like a slur. Yeah. Like it so clearly sounds like that. Yeah. Monomonopoetically a slur. But in the official apology issued through the director of the Holy See's press office, quote,

the Pope never intended to express himself in homophobic terms." And given the international backlash from that one, I feel like it would be hard to pull off the exact same excuse this time, which is probably why their official statement on this one, at least at the time of this writing, is, no comment. I think he was gearing up for the big Vatican comedy night, and he was just learning callbacks maybe? Oh, there you go.

He was just like slurred. Right? Like like from before when I did a slurred. This was his callback. This guy knows right this guy knows I'm fucking talking about Well now I'm on the Pope's side again. This is a very confusing week Now honestly my favorite thing about this story is how it's playing out in the mainstream media Right in all the mainstream media. Right? In all of the mainstream outlets, this is presented as this wild juxtaposition of a pope known for his progressive views on LGBTQ issues on the one hand, and this guy that can't stop using anti-gay slurs on the other, as though the idea of a guy who says some of his best friends are black while using the N-word behind closed doors is a completely novel concept to them.

But what really happened is that the media, desperate to suck Catholicism's dick after having spent decades reluctantly admitting they were the world's most prolific child rape cabal, blew up shit like, Pope says gays are going to hell anyway so there's no reason to be mean to them now, into Pope is a beacon of gay rights. That's what fucking happened and now they're starting to come to grips with the fact that maybe that was a bit hasty. And in Karen Height 451 news, we have yet another story about moms for liberty and book banning. Hell yeah!

And as usual, a group with liberty in the title wants to remove some liberty. Yeah. Also as usual, the idiots behind the book banning could have prevented their stupid thing from backfiring if they knew how to read a book. They do not. In the past, we've literally seen bans of the book Fahrenheit 451, which, reminder, is all about how wrong it would be for a government to ban certain books and then burn them all to make sure they don't exist anymore. Well, a mom for liberty handed her beer to nobody because everybody hates her and she got her local

school board to ban a 2017 children's book that's about a young student who can't check out a book at the school library because that book got banned. Yeah, if I'm the author here, I'm doubling down on this with a book about this happening. Right. See how many layers deep you can bury this idiot. OK, that's so good. It's just going to keep leapfrogging. Can't wait. And a big thanks to Nick for sending the link to skatingnews at gmail.com. You get a bag of nipples from a rodent or something. Eli Bosnik at gmail.com to set up that delivery. Oh, so when Heath doxes it's fine. Literally in your Twitter profiles. Public information. So the book in question was written by Alan Gratz and

it's the story of a fourth grade girl named Amy who tries to check out her favorite book. But the school librarian tells her it got banned when a local parent decided to be a piece of shit. So Amy creates a secret library of banned books. That's the plot of the book that just got banned in Florida. And the title of Graz's book is Ban This Book. Go. Fucking amazing. OK, so true story here. I had a friend one time who's going to do that whole light a bag of shit on somebody's

porch on fire and then they stomp it out trick, but he was really drunk and he tripped on his way up the house and he fell into the bag of his own shit. And then we drove away because otherwise he would have had, we'd have left, let him in the car all covered in shit. So he just ended up covered in shit on that guy's fucking front walk. This is the book banning equivalent of that. Okay, honestly, I'd way rather be that guy covered in shit on someone's front porch than a person who history looks on for banning books.

But the point is taken, Val Lugin. Points taken. Okay, so the engineer of the book ban, who dove on ban this book like a wedge of acme cheese under an anvil inside a briar patch was Jennifer Pippen of Indian River County, Florida. She's the chair of her local Moms for Liberty chapter and also one of five members on the county school board. That board voted three to two in favor of the ban, despite the book being approved by the district's book review committee

that they have for this. And the other two votes for the ban came from board members who got money in support, no surprise from Moms for Liberty during their campaigns. In their official motion to ban, they accused the book of quote, teaching rebellion of school board authority. School board authority. School board authority. Yeah, right, right.

Because making us look like assholes was deemed too direct. Also, we're banning the movie Big Fat Liar because it teaches kids to get revenge on those assholes. I don't want to be turned blue. Yeah. And while we're on the topic of Christian lunatics and their book banning, we have a couple other recent developments. Following a similar absurd book ban in Texas, a lawsuit was filed by a sane person and it

made its way to a federal district court. And despite a heavily conservative leaning among the judges, we actually got some good news when the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals made a ruling that said basically school officials can't just ban a book because they don't like the ideas. In this case the books in question they included the typical examples of you know anything that dared mention the existence of gay people or trans people but the ban also included seven books that the school board could not abide due to the words butt and fart. And if you're a fan of that genre like I am, you probably already guessed that they banned

I Broke My Butt! Exclamation and also Larry the Farting Leprechaun, both classics. But... You just got banned. But... It looks like those delightful pieces of literature will be returning to the shelves. Okay, here's my genuine question. How do sane people on school boards not commit murder? I'd be 11 seconds into a school board meeting

with someone who wanted to ban the word butt before I'm wearing their head as a hat and calling for new business. Just like, oh no, don't worry about it. Sawed off Craig's head so we can talk about the gym. And our final book banning moment of the week came from hate pastor Kyle Lamott of Exodus Church in Wichita, Kansas.

In celebration of Pride Month, he put together a homophobic library posse and they checked out approximate quote, all the gay books from Andover Library in order to block the local kids. And then he posted a photo on Instagram of all the evil material they got in their haul, along with the following, quote, It's Pride Month, a good time to recalibrate what it means to love your neighbor. One way you can love your neighbors and your community is to gather together some of the men in your church

and go empty the local library of all their LGBTQ plus books. Start with the kids books and work your way up. This really is a great way to love your neighbors and serve your community." Okay, this all started when Kyle Lamott had to explain why he had two Kroger bags worth of gay erotica in his hands in early. Yeah, 100% yes. Just a few minor problems with the plan by the pastor.

First of all, the book bandits did not empty the library of LGBTQ plus books like he said. It appears they just looked around for anything with like pink and purple on the cover and anything with a, you know, gay word in the title. If you look closely at his Instagram photo, well, you actually can't, he had to shut down the account because this went very badly.

But Hemet Mehta wrote a great article and took a screenshot from Instagram before it went away. And you can see several adult books that don't make any sense for the weird protest. You can see a book by Deepak Chopra, maybe about quantum gayness, I don't know. And a book about Black Lives Matter. Huh.

In order to block local kids from thinking about...that. Not great. But most importantly, the whole plan was accidentally engineered to completely backfire from day one because Pastor Kyle is a dumb person who doesn't get how libraries work. Thanks to the stunt, he just guaranteed that the local library is going to order a bunch more of those books based on demand, because obviously. Right? Yeah, hey Kyle, you should probably go buy all the copies at your local bookstore too, right?

Because the kids can find them there. Buy up all the digital copies on the internet. There's a lot of them. You should suck all the dicks so there's none left for the gays, huh? So, Emmett's article also includes a great section describing the interaction he had with Pastor Kyle after the incident. Strangely enough, the pastor thought it was a good idea to say his ideas out loud and speak with Emmett. Naturally, a bunch of those ideas were just straight up bigotry.

Lots of condemnation of the idea of being gay or trans, but not the people just straight up bigotry. Lots of condemnation of the idea of being gay or trans, but not the people. Typical bigot nonsense. But my favorite part is when Hemet explained how libraries work and Pastor Kyle pretended he knew that and responded, quote, the intention and goal, those are the same, were not to influence the library's future inventory. My concern lies elsewhere." My concern lies in Canada. You don't know it. You've never been, but it's very pretty.

Was your concern to embarrass yourself and ensure that the result of Googling your name is this long after the day you die? Because if it was, you're nailing it, Kyle. Yeah, he's not. So just to be clear, the pastor's goal was to prevent the spread of gayness via KidLit in one little town in Kansas for the length of one checkout. Yeah, right. Yeah.

But then increase that spread starting about a month later. For Jesus Christ. Hopefully a bunch of local kids have a giant LGBTQ themed party in a couple months just to fuck with Pastor Kyle. We'll see what happens. And on that note, we're gonna wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Do Monge. And when we come back, we'll let Don Ford out of his box again. Hey, podcast listener. We know you love our podcast, but do you long to see our flesh meat? Of course you do. Our bodies are covered with skin and the blood that pumps through us like normal humans. It sure does, Noah. It sure does., sure does.

And you have so many chances to observe that skin this year. Our Salt Lake City show is sold out, but you still have time to get tickets to our live show in Boston on September 7th. We've even got four platinum packages left, assuming they haven't sold out by the time you hear this. So head over to Godawful Movies Live and sign up for your chance to witness us have all the juices that you do. Godawful Movies Live.

We are not Eldritch Horrors. Normal guys whose eyes you can look into without seeing the yawning knowledge of the void. That's right. GodawfulMoviesLive.com. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Sorry, you're talking about Plankton from Spongebob? He is a queer icon.

Oh yeah, it's true. Really? Yeah. You got to get on TikTok, man. I'm telling you. I feel like I don't, like, especially now need to get on TikTok. Hey guys, what's up? Hey no question do you remember Plankton from Spongebob? Queer icon? Okay so everybody knows but me? I mean you know now. We just told you.

It's not the same. Hey Don when did you get here? Oh um Eli ordered me on that package thing that you can do on Uber now that they're losing all the money. I wondered who was using that. Yeah that's who's on Uber now that they're losing all the money. I wondered who was using that. Yeah, that's who's using it. Me too. So, you guys ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? I sure am. Where were we?

Jesus just paid his taxes via the fish miracle. Right, right. So now the disciples have some questions about heaven's hierarchy. Jesus! Oh, hey, disciples. What's up? Yeah, we were wondering, who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven? Okay, so like, what do you mean greatest? Well, I mean, like, you introduced like a family unit into theology, so we're kind of trying to figure out who's in charge.

Yeah, especially since at the time these ideas would be introduced, it'd be way closer to polytheism than a modern idea of a triune God. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. No, that tracks. All right, so you must become like little children or you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Oh, okay, okay. I want some juice. I shall put my sticky hands on all the surfaces and then my mouth. No, no, no, you guys. I mean, like humble like a child, you know. You met a child? Okay, and anyone who hurts a child

that believes in me would be better to tie a millstone around his neck and drown in the sea. Oh, wow. What about kids who don't believe in you? Oh, fuck them. Oh, not great. Yeah, man, not great.

Okay, everyone, listen up. So I'm really serious about this health stuff. Okay, you guys, if your eye offends you, pluck it out. If your hand offends you, cut it off. Better to have one hand in heaven than two hands in hell. You know what I'm saying? Right. Sorry, it's just, so far in the book, like, the only standard of heaven and hell that you've, like, given us is believing in you. Exactly. Okay, but you haven't given us any standard about the ways in which our hands or eyes might offend us. You've just talked about believing in you the whole time.

Well, you know, right between the lines... Okay, okay. Does this have anything to do with me saying I couldn't rub your feet just now because my hands were tired? Hmm... mysterious. Okay, switching subjects. So what about people who don't believe in you? because my hands were tired? Mmm... mysterious. Switching subjects. So, what about people who don't believe in you?

Do we just give up and let them go to hell? I mean, no. Total opposite. After all, doesn't the shepherd go after his one lost sheep and even if the other 99 are still in the pasture? I mean... Yeah. I mean, he doesn't burn the lost sheep in the pasture. I mean. Yeah. I mean, he doesn't burn the lost sheep in a lake of fire forever.

If that sheep stays lost though. You see how that's different, right? No, I don't actually. Cool. Cool, got it. Jesus, what do we do if someone does wrong by us? Okay, tell him what he did. If he listens to you, you have gained a brother.

Okay. Okay, but what if he still doesn't listen? I mean, have you tried three guys? Maybe three guys will tell him what he did. I mean. Okay, but what if he doesn't listen to three guys? Okay, then go get the church. And if he doesn't listen to three guys? Okay, then go get the church. And if he doesn't listen to the church,

then you treat him like a heathen or a Republican or whatever. So, vote for his opponent, even though you don't agree with them on everything? No, that's a Republican. Right, got it, got it. Okay, let's see, what else? Oh, whatever you have on Earth, you'll have in Heaven. Oh, so we can take it with us. Nice. No, no, I mean like more like magic stuff.

So like, listen to this. Whenever two of you ask for something, God will answer. Oh, nice. Okay. I want big honking gazangas. Oh two votes. I also want that now. Okay No, no, no, no, I mean, it doesn't work. It doesn't work like that Why would you say it weirdly testable lie? You guys you guys just don't get it. Don't get big honking gazangas. Maybe boo Hey Jesus, hey Peter. Oh, what are you wearing? Oh, it's like a big white dress. Do you like it?

I mean, it's kind of a lot. I thought it went with the hat. I mean, I guess it does go with the hat. Anyway, so my question is, how often do I have to let someone piss me off? I mean, you should probably practice generosity, you know, in general. No, but can I get a number? Like, how's seven? Seven feels like a lot of chances to give somebody, right?

Okay, no, Peter. Peter, it's more like 70 times seven. Do you understand? It's 490. Got it. No, no, no, understand? It's 490, got it. No, no, no, Peter, it's a metaphor. Are you really that stupid?

489. What? I said, I'll keep that in mind. Man, I gotta admit, Jesus' advice was pretty good just now, right? Yeah, don't get used to it, Eli, because we're in for the parable of the cruel master. Servant. Yes, my king. So look, you know how you owe me 10,000 tenants? Oh yes, sorry, sorry about that. Right, well you know how everything is with the economy right now. Oh sure, sure. Yeah, so I kind of have to sell you and your family

into slavery to get that money back. Oh no, no, wait, wait, please don't do that. I'll get your money. All right, you know what? Sure, fine. In fact, I'm feeling good. Your debt is forgiven. Oh, oh, wow.

That's extremely nice of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. But hey, stay out of debt. Oh, you get into any more debt we'll start having to like elect you to congress. What was that? Sorry, sorry, that's my nephew. I'm gonna be a jazz man. I don't think he's gonna be a jazz man. So now that he he's gonna be a jazz man. So now that he's free and doesn't have debt, the servant goes to another servant who owes him money. Hey, other servant, do you have that hundred tenants you owe me? Oh, no, sorry.

Can I pay you back next week? No, you may not. I shall have you thrown in prison. Oh no! Sorry, gotta do what I gotta do. So the king hears about this and he calls his servant back. You wanted to see me, your highness? Yeah, did you send a guy to prison for owing you money?

Yeah, sure did. Lazy, good for nothing. Seriously? After I just forgave your debt? What are you, a southern state? Chris, not now, Chris! Nothing will stand in the way of my dreams! Anyway... Now I have no choice but to turn you over to the tormentors.

The tormentors? Who are they? Not sure, but whoever they are, they should take a lesson from my nephew. Seriously, nothing? You don't support me, I don't support you! Anyway, the moral of the story is, if you don't forgive your brothers, my father will not forgive you.

All right, I think that might be the worst possible way to give that, Wes. Oh, this is from the guy who dresses like a chess piece. 488. Sorry, what was that? I said to dress can wait. Anyway, Jesus heads out of Galilee and into Judea and the area beyond Jordan, healing people and helping people. But then...

The Pharisees asking more questions? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Jesus. Oh my... Me, Pharisees, are you following me around? I mean, literally, yes. Also, Pharisees is shorthand for Jewish leaders,

so we're not necessarily the same guys every time. Okay, got it, yes. Also, Pharisees is shorthand for Jewish leaders, so we're not necessarily the same guys every time. Okay, got it, whatever. Anyway, what do you guys want? Yeah, we were just wondering what you think about divorce. Oh yeah, no divorces, 100%. You hear that, Kim Davis? Okay, but Moses said that divorce is okay. Four marriages to three husbands, you fucking gargoyle. No, Moses says you can put away your wives out of the hardness of your heart. That does not make divorce okay

unless your wife fornicates. Oh, maybe you fornicated, Ken. Is that it, you burned puffin? Yeah, listen to Jesus. Nobody should get married. Wait, did you say nobody should get married? Okay, look, not everyone is going to get it. Okay, not everyone. Lemon face, Chode. Okay, yes, thank you. We got it. Just hate her so much.

I know, me too. Excuse me, Jesus. Oh, hey, random rich guy. What's up? I was just wondering how I could live forever. Okay, are you asking metaphorically or are you asking literally? Well, you're gonna answer metaphorically anyway,

so I guess that one. Okay, great. Well, just keep the commandments. Oh, come on, man. It's a long book and like 80% of the commandments conflict with other commandments. You literally just vetoed Moses just now. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize we were giving out personal lists. Fine. Don't murder. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't lie. Honor your parents and love your neighbor as yourself. There. Oh, wow. That's a that's actually a good list. You know, I thought you were going to give away all of your money.

How would that even work? Okay. Everything you had on Earth you will have in heaven. I already said that. But literally, like, how would I eat if I gave away all my money? I wouldn't. My father in heaven. And, okay, well, I'm not going to do that.

So, so bye. Wow, Jesus, you really want everyone to give away all their money? Yes, it is harder for a rich man to get into heaven than it is for a camel to get through the eye of a needle. Oh, so like, so like nobody goes to heaven then? No, through God, all things are possible. Okay, sorry. I really appreciate the charity message.

Kinda. It's just you introduced hellfire in this book. So I'd really like a more solid answer than that. Yeah, like the best definition of the things you're talking about definitely are not punishable by eternal damnation. Not even being Elon Musk. I mean, that's not a fair.

It feels unfair. I don't feel like that's... Thought so. Okay, wait a second. Guys, guys, I'm all for making fun of the Bible's bad ideas, but these last couple of things Jesus has said are, I don't know, relatively good, aren't they? I mean, at least by Jesus's standards. Oh, don't worry, it gets worse. Hey, Jesus. Oh, hey, Peter, is that a staff? You know, I don't want to talk about it. Anyway,

I hope this isn't a weird question, but you know, the disciples, we all gave up, This isn't a weird question, but you know the disciples, we all gave up, you know, pretty much everything for you. So we were wondering, you know, what we get. Oh, I'm glad you asked. When I ascend to my throne of glory, you guys are gonna sit on 12 other chairs besides me and judge over all of Israel. Oh, wow.

And everyone who gives up his home, brothers, sisters, father, mother, wife, children, or lands for my name's sake will get a hundred times as much and will have eternal life. So a hundred times as much as us? Mm-hmm. Thus the glory of God. Well, okay, so I want to clarify that I, Peter, am asking what rewards await your literal disciples and your answer is one one hundredth of what some random guy in a couple thousand

years gets for abandoning his family? Yes. 487? What? I said 487. Okay. And with that counter winding down, we're going to wrap up for the night, but there'll be plenty more Sassy Jesus on the next installment of Bible Peace Theor. Before we reel in the line tonight, I want to say malachophonous.

It's a great word. It means soft spoken or soft voiced. Malachophonous. It feels good on the tongue, you know? Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show. Hot friend got off a movie's debut at seven Eastern on Tuesday

and even newer episode of our half sister society ended debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, it wouldn't be a show if I didn't thank Keith Henry for being so damn thankful. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for who totally, by the way, is not dead and fighting his way back to this dimension from the underworld. What a silly thing to suggest. Why would anybody even think that?

Also, I think the lovely and talented Lucinda Lujans who was in Vegas last week and is sick this week, but hopes to be back next week. Also wanna thank Bill for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for inviting me on Skeperty. Remember the skeptical online conference that he's talking about, Skeptical. It's on July 20th and 21st.

You'll find more info on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I wanna thank this week's best bipeds, Dean Logan, Memo Happy, Mama Angie, Cowan the They, Them, Banana of Discord, G-Bazilla, Nicolaeds, Dean, Logan, Memo, Happy Mama, Angie, Calin, the they then banana of Discord, G Bazilla, Nikola, Zero, Sarah, and Deputy, David, Aaron, and the Igor guy from Skeptics in the Pub. Dean, Logan, Memo, and Happy Mama,

who are so hot, smokey, the bear doesn't even bother with them. Angie, Calin, G Bazilla, and Nikolas, who are so sexy, Ron DeCentis tried to veto their funding, and Zero, David, Aaron, and Igor, who are so brilliant, their faces pop up with light bulbs have ideas. Together, this dozen delectable disbelievers diminished our debts by donating dollars to our dower

disparaging of deities this week and you can too. You can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash skating atheist whereby you'll have access to an extended ad free version of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skating atheist.com. And if you'd like to help but not know winding up with less money at the end kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five star review telling a friend about the show and

following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Roberts, and he knows that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, contact page at skatingadvice.com. Don, your four sounded resent. I'm gonna be honest, your five sounded normal, but your four had sort of a... God damn. Tinge of hate to it. Yeah. I think it's because he doesn't believe that I shared the talk with him.

I'll get I'll get over it. I'll get over it. I'm like 50 50. It's fine. Hack in the mainframe. Find the sheer history. It's fine. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright twenty twenty four.

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