The Scathing Atheist - 598: Dic-Tutorial Edition

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

In this week’s episode, Christians take the gold medal in acting stupid, the Catholic community votes overwhelmingly that voting is dumb, and Anna will join us to talk about a song that should’ve been aborted. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Guest Links: Find Kip’s Twitch channel here: https://www.twitch.tv/kiptid/videos Find Kip on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/kiptid_/ --- Headlines: (Diatribe) Analysis of Trump rally prayers (paywalled) https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2024/09/trump-rally-prayers/679152/ Trump tells Christians they “won’t have to vote anymore” after this election: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/ Kim davis is back: https://kentuckylantern.com/2024/07/23/kim-davis-legal-counsel-moves-to-make-her-appeal-a-springboard-for-overturning-marriage-rights/ 37% of Americans are creationists: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/survey-37-of-americans-are-creationists Christians freak out over “last supper” Olympic opening: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/article/2024/jul/28/paris-olympics-organisers-apologise-to-christians-for-last-supper-parody Alternative healer Hongchi Xiao guilty of manslaughter over woman's death at slapping therapy workshop: https://news.sky.com/story/alternative-healer-hongchi-xiao-guilty-of-manslaughter-over-womans-death-at-slapping-therapy-workshop-13179545 After mostly negative response, Vatican deletes online poll on 'synodality': https://cruxnow.com/vatican/2024/07/after-mostly-negative-response-vatican-deletes-online-poll-on-synodality

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity, but don't worry, it's really good profanity. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by a childless cat lady, and the rest of us, and now, The Skating Atheist. Hey, Skating Atheist. So a little birdie told me that you're a big fan of Gwembley. Ooh, ooh ooh ooh. I'm also seeing here that I should say that we did in fact evolve from Filthy Monkey Man. Whatever that means,

I personally evolved from 8-bit graphics. But anyways, I hope you're having a great day. Ooh ooh ooh. Come get some cream corn. It's Thursday. It's August 1st. And it's Loafmas Day! Because sometimes the Savior is owl-shaped with salt eyes.

Well, there's a picture the audience can't see and I can't unsee. Jesus, I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnik. I'm Heath Enright. And from gold medalist Hesley Rivera's New Jersey, and from Michigan Waycross, Georgia, this is the Skating Ethnist. Oh, this week's episode, Christians take the gold in being stupid.

The Catholic community votes overwhelmingly that voting is dumb. And Anna will join us to talk about a song that should have been aborted. But first, the diatribe. A friend of mine sent me an absolutely chilling article from the Atlantic this week by a guy named McKay Coppens. So what Coppens did is he looked at the opening prayers at Trump rallies and he analyzed them

both textually and theologically. And then he used those prayers as sort of a proxy for the way that evangelicals talk and think about Donald Trump. See, back in 2016 and through the beginning of his presidency, it was common to hear Christians compare Trump to biblical characters like Cyrus or David, right? Flawed men that were still vessels for the will of God. But you don't really hear those comparisons anymore.

They've shifted from excusing his immorality to just pretending it doesn't exist. And along the way, he's turned from a flawed guy that can still implement God's design to a messianic figure who is God's design. And this fits with the larger theological shift we've seen over the years, right? Christians have been key to Trump's political viability since he kicked off his first campaign, but it hasn't always been the same Christians. Back in 2016, the Christians closest to him, the ones that were advising him and opening his rallies and making him look good in front of other Christians, they were mostly prosperity gospel preachers. They were televangelists. They were the chief

opportunists of Christianity. They saw a grifter and in that they saw a kindred spirit So they attached themselves to him and they anointed him both figuratively and literally and they gave the nation's most notorious Philanderer a patina of piety and he needed that then But now he needs something else now He needs an army of mindless fucking zombies that will carry out his will even when that will is naked insurrection. And suddenly his choice of Christians has changed as well. Coppin summarizes the doctrinal demographics of the people doing his opening prayers now as,

quote, overwhelmingly evangelical with disproportionate representation from Pentecostalism, end quote. Which he describes as, quote "'A charismatic branch of Christianity that emphasizes supernatural faith healing and speaking in tongues.'" Because he is himself a Christian, and he can't exactly say Christianity's most gullible class of lunacy, but that is what he fucking meant, OK? And you don't just see this in the prayers.

It's in his rhetoric, too. Even back in 2016, he was on about American carnage, but somehow now the threat is even greater. It was already existential, but now it's apocalyptic. He stands not between you and the downfall of the nation, but between you and the downfall of humanity's reign on earth. He's not just sufficient, but chosen. He can't just protect America. He can't just save America. He can redeem America. He can turn it back from the sinful ways that forced God to withdraw his eye from his favorite nation in the first place. And obviously

that's terrifying, right? Because if God has chosen your candidate, what happens when they lose? These people are already primed for the stolen election lies. And even when they weren't, he still managed to gin up a deadly insurrection over them. So what happens if instead of stealing an election from Donald Trump, the Democrats in the deep state are stealing it from God? Right? And what happens when the people handing over power aren't Republicans that you're still just getting used to the idea of wanting to hang, but the very Democrats that you're accusing of election fraud to begin with and have been demonizing for the last four years?

But of course, as we all know, and as Coppens points out in his article, the real fear isn't what happens if they lose. Coppens closes his article with an excerpt from a guy by the name of Joel Tenney. So Tenney is a 27 year old evangelist that delivered an opening prayer for a Trump rally in Coralville, Iowa. And before the prayer, he delivered a short sermon where he accused Biden of weaponizing the justice system, stealing the election and trying to imprison his opponent. All pretty standard fare for a Trump rally. But then he tossed in this terrifying little nugget, quote, be afraid for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God's servants of wrath to bring punishment on the wrong to her. And when Donald Trump becomes the 47th president of the United States, there will be retribution

against all those who have promoted evil in this country." End quote. Trump's already said he wanted to be a dictator on day one. Now that comment has actually been blown out of proportion to some degree. He specifically said the two things he wanted to do as a dictator. They were close the border and open drilling. But the degree to which his supporters have invoked that authoritarian language cannot be overblown. They legitimately want a dictator so that they don't have to muck around with Congress and the courts in their effort to remake education, outlaw same

sex marriage, and turn the clock back a century on women's rights. They want a dictator to implement mandatory Bible classes, forbid trans people from shitting in public, and make their fucking niece with the nose ring stop winning so many goddamn arguments on Facebook. They want a dictator to avenge the death of their cultural monopoly. Hell, they don't just want it, they pray for it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We're able to wrap this broadcast and bring you a special news, Wilmington. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Wolverine and Deadpool to My Amazing String of Hilarious Cameos,

Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik-Feliz. That's why you were wearing masks, wasn't it? Okay, to be fair, I was whispering, we're going to make you do this till you're 90 in Heath's ear way before that movie came out. They stole it from me. Okay, I don't get all the references yet, but I'll happily take it if I'm living to 90

and doing this job, that's a good deal. Yeah, there you go. There you go, so win, win, win, win, win. In our lead story tonight, you remember when Trump said that Megyn Kelly had blood coming out of her wherever, and everybody thought it was a misogynistic reference to menstruation, but then you go back

and you watch the video and it's clear that he's just said, blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her. And then he couldn't think of another place blood would come out of when you were angry. So he just said, whatever, because he's too dumb to come up with three nouns for the same sentence. Well- Elbow, no.

No, no. Well, I think that's what happened again in the case of Trump telling Christian voters that he was going to president so good they wouldn't have to vote again in four years, which means that your motherfuckers are gonna make me do the epic hack of journalism Defending Donald Trump. Oh, is this our alt-right heel turn? I wasn't ready. Let me go get myself. I'm gonna go get my stuff Okay, I'm thinking about my go bag for an alt-right heel turn. I feel like it's just my normal stuff is Yeah, not great pocket knife go bag for an alt right heel turn. I feel like it's just my normal stuff is middle aged white guy.

It's not great. Pocket knife, leatherman. Golf clubs, a hat with a sports team on it. They're all right by the door. There you go. One of the hats is fitted. It's really bad. Oh no.

So this comment came at a rally in America's pre-Morgue, West Palm Beach, Florida, where Trump was speaking to an audience of geriatric Christians and during the speech, he told them, Florida, where Trump was speaking to an audience of geriatric Christians, and during the speech he told them, quote, In four years, you won't have to vote again. We'll have it fixed so good that you're not going to have to vote. End quote. Which admittedly sounds like a terrifying confession that he's going to somehow subvert

the very concept of elections and install himself as dictator for life, I will admit. Okay, I'm back. I have power braid pills for us to sell and Hitler's ghost is the life, I will admit. Okay, I'm back. I have power brain pills for us to sell and Hitler's ghost is the next guest on GAM. What did I miss? What was the last one? No, no, no, no, it was a false alarm. Put the pills back in the storage unit.

God damn, I ran so fast. He wasn't that fast. But keep the guests. So, no, but I actually, I think this panic might have gotten out ahead of the facts a bit because look, I speak fluent, stupid. Maybe it's because I've spent most of my life living in a place getting brain drained so fast you can hear the end of the milkshake sound during the high school graduation ceremonies.

Maybe it's because I've dedicated so much of my time to arguing with Christians online. And maybe it's because I spent a whole fucking decade working for Heaths and my previous boss before we had this job. But it's pretty clear to me that he did not mean that he was going to eliminate elections before his term was up. This is a case of him shooting for hyperbole, but being too stupid to get there. Let me give you a bit more of the context here. Or actually let Eli give it to you because I don't do the voice.

Quote, Christians, get out and vote. Just this time. You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years. You know what? It will be fixed. It will be fine. Adding quote, you won't have to vote anymore my beautiful Christians. I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you. Get out. You gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don't have to vote again. We'll have it fixed so good, you're not going to have to vote." End quote. So yeah, so I read that as this election is crazy important. So even if you don't normally vote, you have to get out and vote at this one, but then you can go back to not voting. Trump tried even to say as much when he was asked about this by Laura

Ingraham on Fox News, but he's too stupid to fully clarify, so he fucked that up too. But I think we can safely chalk this one up to a failed attempt at a sentence. Okay, the exchange with Laura Ingraham is amazing. It is, yeah. She's trying so hard to get him to defuse the interpretation about becoming a dictator and ending elections, and he keeps fucking it up. And he goes full sociopath.

He hears any kind of critique, even secondhand from an ally on Fox News, and he forgets the entire context and starts arguing with the uppity woman that he's now angry at who's sitting across the desk from him. He starts by saying, let me explain what I meant by that. Then he immediately forgets the point and he continues, I had a tremendous crowd.

This was a crowd that liked me a lot. Sure rally man. That he says that American Catholics are persecuted and that every Jewish person has to vote Republican because apparently Jewish equals Israel, I guess, is the point he was trying to make. Well, you know, finally something Democrats and Republicans can agree on. Am I right, everybody? And then he just repeats what he said at the rally and Ingram tries to jump in and save

him and she says, you probably mean that Christians don't have to vote for you again because you'll be leaving office in four years, just say yes or nod right now and we'll be able to cut. He was not able to pull that off. He starts ranting about gun owners from there. So Ingram tries again to jump in and she says, the left is saying you're ending elections man can you just respond directly to that he cuts her off again no he does and he

starts lamenting how Christian people don't vote enough and then he repeats what he said the rally a third time it's fucking incredible yeah all that being said just because I'm dismissing this greater panic doesn't mean that I don't think Donald Trump is going to try to subvert democracy and install himself as a dictator in four years. Right? I don't think he just admitted it to a rally in Florida by accident, but nobody's denying his dictatorial tendencies here. And I also think that particular quote is worth panicking about because electing a person too dumb to realize that sounds like he's trying to subvert democracy is actually scarier to me than electing a person who would

openly brag about their intention to subvert democracy. Yeah, he's evil and stupid. Like I don't think this particular moment was an example of a dictator plot. I don't think he's secretly crafting the end of all elections and then accidentally hinting about it too hard during that rally. And the interview with Ingram is a great piece of evidence that he's way too stupid to even have his accidental plot reveal saved by an ally if that plot did exist right now fully formed.

It does not. Yet, I don't think. Probably not yet. formed, it does not. Well, yet, I don't think. Probably not yet. Well, it might not be his. I think Project 2025 has one. Right, exactly. Somewhere. Maybe. Project what?

And in Mission Kim Possible news, one of the weird parts about our job here at The Skating Atheist is that as villains pass out of the news cycle, I kinda miss them. Sure, there are the obvious ones like our unforgettable and frighteningly accurate presentations of Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Melania Trump, but there are also the little people. The gremlins of theocratic evil who I feel like I never got a solid hand on the ball with. Which is why I am pleased to announce that none other than Kim Davis is back in the news and trying to overturn gay marriage so she doesn't have to pay gay guys the money she owes them.

Oh, dude, no lie. Honestly, Eli, every time I encounter something that's droopy, I'm a little sad that I don't get to compare it to Pat Robertson's face anymore. I get it. I get it. But now it's less confusing for me like sexually. I get it though. Mitch McConnell and the Pope aren't quite the same.

Exactly. Yeah, it doesn't feel the same. Right. So first off, big thanks to Patreon. I'm not saying that for being the first to send us this story. I'm not saying that as obviously the patron of podcasts with much more pride than us here at the Scathing Atheist, because we will say whatever the fuck you want us to. I'm not saying that. Especially when you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com. scathingnews at gmail.com. We'll talk about our butts.

That feels like a threat. If you want. Okay. OK, consensually better. So in case you've been in a coma since 2014, first of all, go back to sleep. Just pop back down, as he says, till November. Might have some good news for you then. But if you've been in said coma and you insist on staying awake, Kim Davis is a Rowan County clerk who, despite being on her fourth divorce and counting, refused to

issue marriage licenses to gay couples because of her deep and apparently very specific Christian beliefs. She also looks so much like Lertz Urich Hai from Lord of the Rings. I'm surprised she hasn't sued Peter Jackson. Yeah, Eli included a side-by-side in the and legit, I cannot tell which side is which here. Come on, that's great, right? Her double shirt thing, it always looks like plate armor. So it's kind of tricky, right? Like a tri-blend plate armor.

We've never heard her say, meets back on the menu, boys. Yes. So yeah, she got sued for not doing her job because she's a bigot and in an incident in Heath's heart, only matched by the time when Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina is his disease, she lost that lawsuit so fucking hard and ended up owing $260,000 in legal fees

and $100,000 in punitive damages to the gay guys she bigoted against. Then she lost the election for Rowan County Clerk in 2018. It was the best. When you fuck up hating gay people so hard you accidentally pay for their weddings. Oh you gotta love it. Like a really good wedding yeah. She actively caused a bunch of gay spite weddings like for sure God hates her I would say. So much. Yeah.

Well as I said she's back and the SPLC listed hate group Liberty Council are hoping to appeal her lawsuit and also overturn gay marriage while they're at it because they've also seen the polling and better strike while the Supreme Court is hot, if you know what I mean. And I want to be clear that Liberty Council is literally doing this on the overturn of Roe vs. Wade. They actually cite Clarence Thomas' concurring opinion in their briefing. Now the good news is the suit doesn't appear to have a lot of legal merit, even if it were for this Supreme Court, right? Davis wasn't challenging the law. She was discriminating based on gender for a perfectly legal procedure. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be worried. As Chris Hartman, the director of the Kentucky Fairness Campaign, told the Kentucky Lantern this week, quote, the threat of anti-LGBTQ

hate groups is real, however, and it comes as no surprise that they are seeking to overturn LGBTQ marriage in America, with an arch-conservative Supreme Court that's already upended a half-century of abortion rights, anything is unfortunately possible." End quote. Yeah, as their me or your lion eyes decision in the Bremerton case shows, neither fact nor legal merit enter into the equation. Exactly. Yeah, Eli's mentioning like, well, no, I mean, like according to an honest reading of the book, what are you talking about? No, mea culpa, mea culpa. And in dwindling and stupid news, a recent Gallup poll shows that less Americans than

ever believe that a wizard created the universe, but that number is still way, way higher than it should be. So we're going to talk about it. Yeah. Covering the American electorate from a secular perspective is a lot like teaching a toddler to shit, right? Good job Americans. You almost got the easily demonstrable fact that is the basis of all of biology.

I bet you get even closer next year. And you're grabbing the shit. Oh no. The creationists are throwing poo again. They're voting for the shit. They voted for it. Yeah, figure. Filthy monkey toddlers, what are you going to do? We didn't earn their vote for the not shit.

Do you want to stand closer together? No. Yeah, So a big thanks to Hemet Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist blog for bringing this to our attention. Hemet didn't send us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com, but I am signed up for his emails. So if you think about it, he did. And since he hasn't replied to any of my love poetry, he's also a firm maybe. Scathingnews at gmail.com. He sends you a crossword that just spells out not interested across the middle when you finished it and then you want it even more. exactly I mean not that I could

ever do a crossword but I like this. you'd call heath. yeah exactly. yeah so this poll was taken back in May and is the most recent data we have on American thoughts about creationism. the participants were asked quote which of the following statements comes closest to your views on the origin and development of human beings? One, human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God guided this process. Two, humans have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God had no part in the process. What?

Three, God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so. End quote. Jesus Christ. This feels like a primer question for a con artist. They couldn't even have the atheist answer number two without God in that answer. It's atheism plus God off to the side watching human evolution from the corner like fucking Jerry Falwell.

Yeah, exactly. So here's the breakdown on the answers on that. A record high of 24% of people identified with sanity, which is pretty terrifying. 34% of the respondents went with the God Who Likes to Watch answer that would have gotten them burned at the stake when the religion they pretend to believe in was founded, and a record low, but still three points higher than reality. 27% think God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago, which again, is a good thing, but still way too high a number. Yeah, right.

No, more people got it as wrong as you can get it than got it right. Okay, if the majority of Americans just balled up the paper and tried to eat it, I'd be happier about the results. Yeah. Yeah. Not even a paper pole. No. Do you bring that just to eat?

I brought it out Robin Dictatin and now much much. Eat his laptop. Yeah. Now, Gallup did further break down the data for us into what I call no duh categories. People who attend church more than once a week tend to be young earth creationists, as do people who didn't attend college. Though bizarrely, 16% of people who identified with none for their religion said they believe God created humans exactly as they are 10,000 years ago. What?

So maybe they're just like really torn between a couple versions of Baptist ideology. I don't know what's going on with those 60% None that's a tricky word. What does that mean zero or a different number? I know that the Bible's the literal truth of the universe, but religion not for me. I don't like labels No, but there's a lot of they did a David Ike bullshit that fits into that 10,000 year time frame Yeah, that's fair. Either way, this is good news. And whenever good news like this comes to light, it's our job, nay, our duty podcast listener, to remind you that we are to thank here

at the Skavenging Atheist. That's right, podcast listener. You're welcome. Did you know that religiosity has decreased worldwide ever since we started this podcast? Sure. And without our show, we can assure you that it will go right back up again. So if you'd like to keep those numbers low,

consider supporting the show at Patreon dot com forward slash scathing atheist, patreon dot com forward slash scathing atheist. The only and most important reason religiosity is shrinking. You remember when it was April and it but and then we were like, it's probably going to be the next month. That happened also every time. Yeah, it went shrinking. You remember when it was April, and then we were like, it's probably gonna be the next month. That happened also. Every time. COVID went down.

You're welcome. We're so hot, we're making the earth warmer every year that we do this show. It's amazing. And in down on your suppers news tonight, the time of the Olympics is upon us once again, a time marked by everybody suddenly having vociferous opinions on gymnastics deductions,

Heath chanting USA unironically for a change and Christians freaking the fuck out over benign shit in the opening ceremonies because the alternative is knowing anything at all about any fucking culture that is not their own. And that last one this year came in the form of a scene where a bunch of drag queens recreated the Feast of the Gods, a painting by 17th century Dutch painter Jan van Bejler, but that painting features a bunch of people who are all on the same side of the table, and that's their thing, damn it. So, Christians freaked the fuck out and claimed the scene was a mockery of Da Vinci's The Last Supper and therefore a mockery of God.

Okay, did they want like high top tables in the foreground blocking the view of the thing that were what like people fucking on those high top tables like an orgy of Dionysus? I'm sure the French production team can make all that happen. Yeah, the French actually probably wanted that. I bet that was suggested. Side note Christians, if you thought that the French painting was blasphemous, just wait till you hear about The Last Supper. Yeah, really?

Yes, honestly, or anything at all about its painter. Now, I'm sure you've seen this shit, but just in case you haven't, I have to emphasize how very obviously not The Last Supper this was. The singer, who was the central figure in the whole fucking thing, was painted blue, mostly naked, and had an orange beard. beard you know like in The Last Supper my older sister is an art history teacher when this shit happened I thought I was gonna have to go to her house with a couple of pints of Ben and Jerry's and demand her shoelaces yeah I couldn't help but notice that one of the women in the ceremony was smiling

Mona Lisa Yet the freak out for this was far and wide right wing luminaries like Rob Schneider Marjorie Taylor green Harrison but Kerr and Candice Cameron beret Harrison Butker, and Candice Cameron-Barre released statements condemning their own lack of cultural knowledge. But the outrage wasn't limited to the U.S. The Catholic Church in France released a tirade against the ceremony, which they claimed, quote, included scenes of derision and mockery of Christianity, end quote. The Italian Bishop Conference called it, quote, a parade of banal errors and quote and the

now scathing atheist infamous Ska Kluna of Malta called it a quote gratuitous insult and quote the outrage which again was based on only knowing about six fucking paintings in all the world was so widespread the Olympics Committee had to issue an official apology yeah Yeah, and fuck that apology. I demand an apology about doing an apology. That was ridiculous. They should have started a drag race event at the Olympics for Spike. Oh, yeah.

And because that's just an amazing idea for an event. Yeah, really. The entire US television feed, nothing but drag race exhibition event. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. But to be fair, it was the most French apology ever, right? It might as well have been, I'm sorry you feel that way, dash the Olympic committee.

I think it was just bad in French, man. Actually, it really was. But the thing is though, is that it is worth getting pissed off about the apology, because not all the outrage was based on a misunderstanding. A lot of those assholes were just mad because the opening ceremony included drag queens and trans people, right? Like an article in the Catholic Church's Italian Daily

that said, quote, "'What's the point of having to experience "'every single global event, even a sporting one, "'as if it were a gay pride?' End quote." Oh, so close. So close to understanding what the world means. Yeah. Yeah.

So look, they're furious, born of their ignorance regardless, but some of those ignorances are more malicious than others. And I think that's worth pointing out. Yeah. And in slap, not so happy news. We've mentioned it before, but it's really hard for us to talk about when people die of their own stupid on this show, right? Unless someone is like spectacularly evil, it's hard to make jokes about the suffering of even the most foolish because dumb as they might be,

they were people who were tricked or trapped into bad ideas. But! But! We can definitely talk about when the con men who kill those people get in trouble, and so I am happy to report that Han Shizhao, the slap therapy guru, was found guilty of manslaughter this week over a 71-year-old woman's death at one of his workshops. Okay. It's my very strong opinion that for most major crimes, part of the penalty is that every victim gets to slap you as hard as they can a certain amount of time. People tell me I'm wrong all the time. They're like, no, that's crazy.

That can't be the system. Well, maybe now. Now, especially of all money. How could he complain right now? I'm healing you. I'm healing you. Exactly. Now before you get your hopes up comedically podcast listeners, no, Jow did not slap a 71 year old woman to death. And if he did, we certainly wouldn't have done a super funny skit about it.

Well, two-thirds of us wouldn't have. So slap therapy or Pied de la Gen involves people slapping themselves or each other at key points to drive out toxins. In the video clip accompanying the story I read on Sky News about this story, Zhao has an entire audience slapping their inner elbow and says, quote, if that hurts, that means it's working. Cut to Aaron Rodgers masturbating next to a dolphin orangey. He's like inner elbow slap.

There's no way I'm doing that. That's crazy. I have a throwing arm. That's insane. Anyway. All right. So, but Eli, look, if this lady slapped herself to death, it's not less sketch worthy. Thank you.

Thank you. No, worthy. Thank you. Thank you. No, unfortunately. Thank you. Aaron Dolphin's, Aaron's dolphin friend as well. Yeah. But sadly, no, this death was caused by good old fashioned negligence. The 71 year old woman, Danielle Carr Gome was a believer in Zhao and being convinced of the efficacy of his method, stopped taking her insulin for her type 1 diabetes,

which painfully and unnecessarily killed her. Yep. Yeah, look, my niece pretending to feed me food out of an empty cup, that's adorable until I starve to death thinking that I've eaten. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And even sadder, this is not Zhao's first conviction for manslaughter of this nature. Zhao was convicted of manslaughter of a six year old boy who died in April of 2015, 18 months before Mrs.

Kargome, when the kid's parents stopped giving him his insulin after attending one of Zhao's workshops in Sydney, which, to be fair, made it way easier to convict him of manslaughter this time. See, now this is this is another argument for Heath's slap punishments, because then people would have been going up to him going like, hey, why is there a two inch deep permanent imprint of Noah's hand on your face before they got therapy advice from you? Exactly, yeah, exactly. He has to introduce himself door to door.

Yeah. So yeah, hopefully Zhao will now serve some jail time, preferably some forever jail time, and stop fucking murdering people with his fucking nonsense. But he hasn't been sentenced yet, so I won't hold my breath. Plus if I did, Zhao would probably tell me I was expelling my toxins by doing it, and I don't want to encourage him.

Yeah. Somebody's gotta bring an anti-slap suit again. Ah! How long were you waiting for that moment? I thought of it during your last thing and I was like, I'll wait until the end. And finally tonight, in poll imposition news, the Vatican tried to do an online poll last week about democracy within the church and it went very badly. It basically led to election fraud.

And while that's better than what the Vatican's usually doing that rhymes with election fraud, it's close. It's not great. It's not great. So the poll was the latest part of Pope Frankel monitors campaign to modernize the Catholic Church with hip new dance moves and skibby toilet and funky fresh panel of old men in big hats called the synod of bishops on Synodality so yeah, it's pretty fat that synod on synodality Synodality by the way is the idea of managing the church in collaboration with all the members of the community

idea of managing the church in collaboration with all the members of the community, including both clerics and lay people. And Frankie's been pushing this idea over the last few years, hoping to drag his entire religion all the way into the 19th century as best he can. So last week, the Vatican put up the poll asking Catholics if they're interested in more synodality. And the answer was, fuck you. Overwhelmingly fuck you was the answer. So they deleted the poll because it went badly.

So the effort to govern communally was abandoned because that would require listening to the community. Yep. Sometimes religious people just make it feel like, like when your dad would let you win at a sport as a kid, Heath, you don't know anything about this, me and yeah I remember we I understand yeah okay but in defense of the fuck youers what he is describing is Protestantism right it is though yeah she's gonna be like and who wants me to nail some problems with the church to the front door

what do you guys think about that all right so big thanks to Stormy D for sending the church to the front door. What do you guys think about that? All right. So big thanks to Stormy D for sending the link to scathingnewsgmail.com and a hat tip for poll imposition. Excellent. So in order to keep Frankie's finger firmly on the pulse of modern culture, he had the Vatican social media department put that poll on Twitter and Facebook asking the question, Do you believe that synodality as a path of conversion and reform can enhance the mission and participation of all the baptized? In other words, should we listen to the ideas of the human beings in the religion? And those human beings answered with a resounding no.

Frankie was clearly hoping for the poll to justify his so-called democratic modernization campaign, but it completely backfired. So with about 10 minutes left in the poll, they erased it and tried to pretend it never happened. But it turns out the online poll was connected to a web that is famously worldwide. And a Spanish language site called InfoVaticana

was watching it the whole time and they published a story about it. And we learned that in less than 24 hours, the poll got about 7,000 responses with about 90% of people saying, no, absolutely not, no democracy. This is such an amazing paradox, right? Because not listening to the people by listening to the people would give the people that you're not listening to what they asked for.

They got so confused. Nuts. And just in case it wasn't obvious, the reason for the resounding no was bigotry. Frankie's synod on synodality was ruffling bigot feathers from the start by bringing up topics like women being ordained and priests getting married and gay people existing in the community all of which turned out to be pretty popular position so you can see the working document for the synodality group is called the instrumentum laboris and during a Vatican meeting for upper management last October the inclusion of those topics led to a huge yelly fight and they've since modified the document to have those topics essentially removed from discussion and

then when Frankie tried to get support for just the vague concept of Thinking about topics as a group the Catholic community of the world told him to go fuck himself. And then he tried to pretend that never happened. And I guess I would too, if I were Frankie. Like if I put out a poll to all my friends that said, Bigot says what? And the number one answer was, slur word, what? I'm saying the word what.

I like bigotry. If that was the answer from all my friends, I would definitely delete the poll and definitely reconsider my life. Right? Also, I want to add that instrumentum laboris sounds like a secret part of the vagina that they're not telling us about.

Doesn't it? Yeah. But I do like that the Catholic church has the same approach to gay marriage and women priests that Puzzle and the Thunderstorm does just to the this or next Friday controversy. We're putting a pin in it.

We're not talking about it. So in response to the revelation about the poll, a Catholic streaming site posted a critique on Twitter pointing out the absurdity of deleting the anti-synod synodality results, saying, quote, in the name of true synodality, why delete the tweet? This goes against everything Pope Francis has been trying to do on this synodal journey of synodality to the synod in October of synodality. If 7,000 people voted and the result was the other way

around, this tweet would not have been deleted. Have some credibility and stand by your convictions. You either want to hear people's opinions or you don't," end quote. Right, but the opinion was that you didn't have to listen to their opinions. Maybe he is, maybe this is just meta, right? Ooh, maybe they were hoping the Pope's head

would explode like in scanners. Yeah, not even clear what that Catholic streaming site was trying to say with their like, ironic or not ironic or whatever thing where they said that word a bunch of times. I guess that was funny. So just to be clear, the beacon of progressive politics in the Catholic management team is an 87 year old man who looks like Elmer Fudd at a Klan rally and who recently used a homophobic slur word, got yelled at, and

then used it again. And despite being the guy who Catholics believe is the living conduit to the divine creator of the universe, he can't even get a tepid response from the Catholic world about even considering the idea of progress. Also they're the biggest landowner in the world, they don't pay taxes, they're enabling and protecting pedophiles as we speak right now they're doing that, and they definitely have a giant vault of Nazi gold. Everyone needs to stop being even slightly accepting about the existence of this absurd,

evil, cosplaying empire, and never stop reminding the people you know who ever give a single dollar to that cause. And while you remind your grandma she's helping to rape children, we're gonna wrap the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Anna will be here to expose us for the talentless hacks that we really own.

I'm sometimes asked the secret to producing a successful podcast, not as often as I'd like to be, but I am still asked that sometimes. And I always answer with the same thing, surround yourself with very talented people. And if they're married to even more talented people, all the better, which is why we're excited to welcome back Anna Bosnik for another installment of God Awful Music. So Anna, welcome back. Hello.

So, all right, I am so super duper excited about this one, but can you tell us what we're going to be breaking down today, please? We listened to I Was Gonna Be by Rachel Holt. And this one is Noah's fault. He threw me this softball and I walloped it into the ground so hard. I'm pretty sure I'm kicked out of the game of softball. Okay. Max, if you're listening to this, you never had a chance with sports. I don't know. I'm so sorry. There's a bat. Your mother and I. You're supposed to hit things with the bat, right? I bet it'll be great with music though, right?

Yeah. They'd probably be good at music. Uncle Henry Coe. I've been in a bunch of men's leagues. Uncle Heath has been dead for years. This? Oh, Jesus. What?

I'm just trying to contextualize the podcast. You think you're outliving me? It's fine. This song is the music version of the movie Dying to be Heard. Go check out that episode on God Awful Movies. I was on it. It was fun. It's the musical version of And It Was All a Dream. It's so bad, it's fun. This song could, this song would actually be perfect if it just knew how stupid it was

For a second, but the but the fact that she doesn't just makes it so much more delicious to watch her stupid, right? Absolutely, and before the song even starts I want to say that the music video for this song is brought to us by Patriot mobile Yeah, you know It's gonna be a good music video. Oh, yeah No, they are listed at the beginning as an official song partner. Yeah Oh god, also the official manhunt partner of the FBI starting on January 7th of that year Like going on I don't know this for sure, but I feel like the FBI just went straight to that client

list. Right, yeah. Straight to Patriot Mobile. Exactly, exactly. Let's just arrest all of them. We're probably going to get them. What do you mean all of them? Right.

Yeah, so normally we just break down the song here, but the video with this one was just too delicious to pass up, so we're going to be breaking that down. But to be clear, this is a song sung to us from the perspective of an aborted fetus. Yeah. Negative first person. It's not clear. So immediately I was like, okay, now I'm going to be picturing an acoustic set, like very small ukulele, adorable, like a dance number would be perfect. I thought it would be more echo-y in here. Yeah, right.

So... Unplugged. The whole thing just sounds like... Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl and she's playing the guitar. Well, she's playing the guitar, but there is no actual guitar in this part of the song. No, she's playing piano on the guitar. It's crazy. Well, it's the music that could have happened, I suppose. Oh. And I think it's a really good argument for pro-choice.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Also, not to call myself out too hard here, but she's recording this song in her mom fluencer living room on Exactly the tan version of the black porn couch Okay, and so I can say for certain this is the worst thing to happen on that model Well, we don't know what JD Vance may or may not have We found it. Well, we don't know what JD Vance may or may not have used. Yeah, that's a good point.

Also just way too many random blankets laying everywhere in random pillows. Even if they're not covering cum, it's too much. I just want to sit on your couch and there's no room on your couch. Right. We've obviously never had a newborn and a couch at the same time. You've got to get rid of all those weird blankets. Everything smells like leftover breathing. I don't like it.

So, alright. So then we get the lyrics, okay? So the song starts out, some don't believe I'm a living soul, just a bad mistake that needs to go. Actually yeah, I do think this song was a bad mistake and I do think it should probably go. Yeah, yeah. Does she think pro-choice people think

all babies are mistakes or does she just assume that based on what everyone has said about her? Yeah, sorry. I do get it. This woman singing like, I some believe I have a bad mistake that needs to go. I'm like, yeah, well, you're pretty spot on right away. She continues, if my mama could have seen my face, then maybe she'd have had me anyway.

Well, by then it would have been way too late. But also, do you think your mama boarded you because she thought you were going to be fugly? Oh my God. What? Well, lots of people describe it as like a, you know, kind of a swipe left scenario. Yeah, that's what it can be. Yeah. We're also getting shots of like baby stuff while she sings this in the video.

Like, like I'm supposed to be really moved to no longer believe in women's rights because of a sippy cup and a toy fire engine. Exactly. It's confusing. There's a baby bottle that's full that they show us. I think somebody just killed a baby. Pin in that. Yup.

Yup. Yup. Alright, so she continues, and there are those who speak for me who fight for the lives they cannot see. Well the white ones in it. Yeah. Oh, see, I was thinking Blind Avengers. Oh, it's a song about Daredevil.

Okay. Yeah. Song about Daredevil. There we go. But there are some who only mourn this life of mine if I were born. And again, I'm sorry to keep commenting on visual stuff because I know this is an audio medium and you're not like watching the video along, but this line is accompanied by a slow, dramatic shot of Mr. Potato Head.

Yes! You take this very seriously. A potato head to you. It really is. So yeah, and listen, by the way, since we're commenting on shit you can't see, I want to assure you that yes, Eli did spell potato the Dan Quayle way. Correct. The video is insane. Watch it if you want. It's kind of funny. Like I laughed during

this video. Yes. But it's also getting everything wrong. If I was making a video to support an active campaign to kill more living babies, I'd show a bunch of plastic crap ruining every household with a baby in it that I've ever seen. It's gross. You can hear it being sticky. You can hear Mr. Potato Head being like, It's that noise. More mouth sounds. There needed to be like 100% more mouth sounds in this song. In his bucket of hearts. So then we get this chorus, right? All I wanted was a chance to learn to love and laugh and dance. Yeah. And the song gets like a little bit high here. And my friends, this auto tune is strong with this one. She hits these notes

with a fucking speaking spell, my friends. It's going badly. You can hear the autotuner struggling, like it's doing a power set on the bench press. Yeah. Yeah. T-Pain might as well walk in the room and be like, I don't think people are going to think that's your voice. Do you know? Yeah.

Also, okay, who the fuck had to learn how to laugh? What do you mean, learn to laugh? Other than Donald Trump, I guess, but that's just a thing you do. DeSantis is still working on smile. He's not even on smile. Yeah. Okay, but then we get more chorus. Oh, but I was gone before I arrived, sent back to heaven on a starlight flight.

That's a really pretty way of saying front pooping a fetus. Also sent back to heaven? What's happening there? Does she think babies get like yanked out of heaven and shot back to earth? Okay, apparently someone's never seen boss baby over here. Okay, so yo-yo imagery aside with the umbilical cord and everything I want to remind you that according to their worldview, right? They're getting yanked back to heaven. That's an infinitely better solution, right? Yes going to heaven forever Admittedly with little teeny arms is way better than the possibility of burning in hell because

you read a convincing science book, right? Yes. Planned Parenthood doctors and lawyers need to use that argument. They're sending so many fetuses directly to heaven. That's amazing. The government can't be taking away their sincerely held religious belief that they're sending fetuses straight to heaven. Yeah, so the course continues. Yeah, I was gonna change the world.

Sinister. Right, yeah. People always seem to think that means a good thing. And I was gonna be a girl. Okay, well, Timothy says that's bad then. A picamoral compass is what he's saying. Yeah, it's a Christian song. I felt like she included that line so listeners wouldn't get too sad. So okay, we got our second verse. First thing I was gonna do was breathe and fall in love with you. Was scream and shit all over you. Yeah. With your with your predictions of babies. Come on. I love that she included breathe the first first thing I'm going to do. She was trying to preempt a correction from heat for something

breathe and Pro-precept Categories lots of stuff going on. I feel like Rachel Holt had a baby. That's you know, not that into her and had a baby that's, you know, not that into her, and she knows it, and the baby doesn't like labels. So the fetus in the song was totally about to be in love right away, like most babies are. Like they fucking should be. She goes on, but a couple of weeks before I saw the light,

mine flickered out when you changed your mind. Okay, I know this is just because rightwing loons don't know anything about abortion, but that is the second reference to an abortion way, way later than is legal. As he teased earlier, at this point, lady, you're just singing a song about killing a baby. Yeah. I mean, I guess all times are weeks or some number of weeks. But if you mean it the way we usually mean weeks. Also, changed your mind. Right?

Like this lady got like 8.3 months pregnant and was like, not feeling it. No. Okay. Maybe if the baby started singing the song right away instead of being fucking Michigan Jay Frog about it. Thank you. the song right away instead of being fucking Michigan J. Frog about it. So of course too. And all I wanted was a chance to learn to love and laugh and dance. Yeah. And podcast this there now all the kids stuff in the house is vanishing

and sepia tone. So she's she's threatening us with a cleaner. Hey, don't you dare blame Max for that mess. I saw you as a apartment before you had a kid. Hey, we don don't you dare blame Max for that mess. I saw y'all's apartment before you had a kid. Hey, we don't say true things like that. So she goes on, Oh, but I was gone before I arrived sent back to heaven on a starlight flight. I was going to have some pretty curls. A second ago, you were going to change change the world or is that how country music thinks women are supposed to change things by getting a new hairdo?

I feel like she worked on twirls for that rhyme for a while and got nowhere for like a week of song writing. She's like, you know what, else works. I was gonna eat some Dairy Queen swirl. There it is. And I was gonna be a girl. Then we get our bridge. I'm more than just some one night stand. The fetus? Yeah, the fetus.

Yeah. Yeah, it feels like the singer just started talking to Charlie for a minute there. I'm not just some one night said or some burden that you think I am. All babies are burdens. Honestly, that is what should be on the birth certificate instead of gender. Oh yeah. Oh, it's a bouncing baby money time and energy sinkhole. Look at that bouncing baby burden. But sometimes it writes a pony in that rule.

I know. It's all about getting pictures and everything. And there ain't no man who's ever going to But sometimes it writes a pony in that rule. I know! It does. You get pictures and everything. And there ain't no man who's ever going to be what I was going to be. Men can have pretty curls too, Rachel. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, but I will say this.

If you're looking for something from your boyfriend that you were going to get from your fetus, I feel like it's best you not be a parent, right? Okay, but at the end of the song here, all the stuff starts disappearing, all the baby stuff out of the house, and it's a happy ending. They clean this house. I was like very happy. I thought she was going to like go out for brunch with her friends at the end. Yes, exactly. I was surprised she didn't disappear because she's technically supposed to be the fetus.

Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, yeah, right. She's the fetus. Yes, singing as the fetus. And then we go, we return to this one last time for the outro. Some don't believe I'm a living soul, just a bad mistake that needs to go. And I said it at the beginning, this song was a bad mistake, but honestly, at this point, I think it does actually need to live on the internet forever. Yes. Yeah. Yes. This. Yes. This is a strong contender for the very worst, best worst strong that we have ever suffered

through on this segment. Absolutely. All right. So now before we get to our grand finale here, I hear a rumor that there's about to be more Anna available on the internet for our listeners. Absolutely. Okay. On August 8th, I will be streaming with friend of the show Kiptid on their channel, on their Twitch channel.

For their one year unemployed stream-aversary. It's August 8th, noon to midnight. Oh, wow. I know. We're gonna be streaming Octodad at one o'clock. There's gonna be some other really cool queer people coming on the show after me. And yeah, we're gonna be playing Octodad. You can find more information for that. At KipTid, that's K-I-P-T-I-D on Twitch. At KipTid underscore on TikTok.

At KipTid underscore on Instagram. And yeah, come join the 12 hour stream to commemorate 12 months of unemployment in this capitalist corporate hellscape. It's going gonna be dope Oh fuck. Yeah, and of course, I'll have all those links on the show notes as well But of course, no god-awful music segment is complete until Anna fixes the song. So Anna, what did you do with this one? literally Perfectly in my vocal range me and Rachel right there like two peas in a pod on the same passaggio

like I Right there, like two peas in a pod on the same passaggio. Like, I know I could have just covered this song word for word. Honestly. And just like leaned into the vibe and it would have been fine. But really the lyrics, I think I outdid myself on this one. So I hope you enjoy them. ["Something That I Should Have Been Born"] Some think that I should have been born But buddy I am here to warn ya That not all kiddos end up sane

Secure for cancer, I sure ain't I was never gonna do a single chore was gonna try to get on the bachelor at coffee shops here's what I do wait till I'm at the front and then I choose And all I wanted was a chance To make the shore of Jersey dance Out each night till 3am Alienating half my friends My parents would shake their heads and say Their kid's a forty year old DJ Decency I would reject I'd stand with doctor disrespect at this shrugged and nickelback and all I wanted was a chance to be a dude growing finance bitcoin and the huddle game Using slurs I think are slang

I was gonna be an online troll And explain to you wrist control You saved yourself from heaven to raise a pretty shitty dude. There really ain't no telling who, especially if you aren't sure you really want to be a parent. And all I It was a chance to conquer Luxembourg and France A homophobic chauvinist, un-inclined to coexist Had the chance to be a racist pig Now aren't you glad I never did? Aren't you glad I never did? I'm gonna be. Amazing job once again, Anna, thanks for closing the show out with a bang, as you always do. And before we fade into memory, I want to thank everybody who's coming out to see us this weekend in Salt Lake City. Unfortunately, that show is sold out, or I guess fortunately for us, right?

But like unfortunately for you, if you wanted to come out, or I guess fortunately for us, right? But like, unfortunately for you if you wanted to come to it. Unless you're already coming, if you already have tickets, in which case I think it's a push, right? It's neutral. Or maybe it's slightly bad because it'll be harder to find a good seat. I don't know. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022

minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Shows Hot Friend God of War movies debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Shows I Taste and a Movie debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Shows, I Taste a Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I can't cue the music until I thank Heath Henry for all he does, Eli Bosnik for all he reluctantly agrees not to do, and Lucinda Lujans for all she inspires me to do. I also want to thank Anna Bosnik one more time because I always need to thank Anna one more

time. I also want to thank Wimbley for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I have no idea who that is but I hear a rumor that I'm a big fan. Incidentally, the well is running a little dry on Farnsworth quotes, so if you want to send me one, check out scathingatheist.com for contact info, and please don't send me the ones with AI-generated voices. But most of all, of course,

I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Terry, Katie, Dustin, Sunshine, Bill, and scienceworldrecord.org, who are so much fun to hang out with that cocaine worries about getting addicted to them. Together these six people websites and life giving phenomena help feed peekaboo and biggie this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money but if you do you can make a per episode donation to patreon dot com slash skating atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode or you can make

a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at skatingatheist.com and if you'd like to help but you can't donate money until money apologizes for what it did, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Rapperson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Kirk, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, contact page at scanning ads.com. Sorry stamps.com ad is getting hot. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.