The Scathing Atheist - 603: Something Italian Edition

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

In this week’s episode, the Pope sets up to bulldoze the literal youth center, nearly human Vice presidential candidate JD Vance dislikes atheists, and 2/3rds of the way through the show, you’ll start wondering if Don Ford was just doing a Cecil impression this whole time. --- To get your tickets to see us live in Nashville, click here! --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance, Lawful Assembly, and Season Liberally Check out the Earth and Environmental Science podcast here: https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/earth-and-environmental-system-23254 --- Headlines: Christian broadcasters sue for the right to endorse candidates: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/evangelical-broadcasters-sue-irs One million moms offended by Gillette Ball shaving ad  https://onemillionmoms.com/current-campaigns/gillette-intimate-ad-is-extremely-inappropriate/ Hate Pastor threatens to kill gay pastors: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2024/08/hate-pastor-threatens-to-kill-gay-pastors-after-same-sex-couple-delivers-sermon/ Christians plan to steal the election by being official vote counters: https://www.rawstory.com/amp/courage-tour-2668865566 Vance has even more hate for childless women: https://x.com/KamalaHQ/status/1829920065417785673 Timor Leste bulldozing homes to make room for Pope’s visit  https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-08-28/evictions-in-timor-leste-ahead-of-pope-francis-visit/104269462 --- This Week in Misogyny: Trump abortion flip flop: https://www.msnbc.com/top-stories/latest/trump-abortion-florida-amendment-ivf-rcna169116 Ted Cruz doesn’t wanna talk about abortion anymore: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/sep/03/ted-cruz-texas-senate-election-abortion-record

Warning, this podcast isn't even safe from my work, and my job is making this podcast. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Factor, Babel, and by the new substance that allows religious belief to fit into any modern scientific understanding, ecclesiolastic. Ecclesiolastic! Because you can shove bullshit into any sized hole. And now, The scathing atheist. It's Dr. Christian Shorry of the Earth and Environmental Systems Podcast and the Earth

Explorations YouTube series, and I can assure you from the convergent lines of evidence including artificial selection and hybridization, comparative anatomy, comparative genomics, non-optimal structures, embryology, devo-devo, geographical distribution of organisms, the hierarchical organization of life, and the fucking fossil record that we did, indeed, evolve from filthy monkey evolutures. It's Thursday. It's September 5th. I think I'm on the wrong podcast. Not this week you're not.

I have no illusions. I think I'm on the wrong podcast. Not this week you're not. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnik. And I'm Cecil Something Italian from Badabing, New Jersey, Badaboom, Illinois, and Waycross, Georgia. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Pope sets up to bulldoze the literal youth center. Nearly human vice presidential candidate JD Vance dislikes atheists. And two thirds of the way through the show, you're going to start wondering if Don Ford

was just doing a Cecil impression this whole time. Yes. But first, the diatribe. On the day last week's episode released, Lucinda and I got all dolled up and we went to a Kamala Harris for President rally in Savannah, Georgia. Us and like 12,000 of our closest strangers got together to wave signs, applaud county names and cheer on our candidate. And it was in a word transcendent. Now to understand why you have to start with how much I hate literally every

aspect of this thing because they're not really clear with you in advance about the location and timing of events like this. Part of that is because campaigns have to stay fluid to a certain degree but most of it is because the Secret Service doesn't want to tip their hands any sooner than they have to about where anybody's gonna be be, right? So when I signed up to attend, all they told me was to be in Savannah between the hours of 2 p.m. and 8 p.m. Savannah's two hours from my house and it's a Thursday.

That's a work day for me. I got to record GAM with Eli and Cecil the next day. So I've got to somehow get a full day worked on prepping that episode while blocking out 10 hours to attend this rally. So we get there, the parking's a fucking nightmare. It's a newish venue and I'm guessing they've never dealt with a crowd that big before. So we wind up parking in one of these improvised lots that are cropping up at every paved surface within a mile radius of the place. Then we go, we stand in a 13 mile long line which might not have been that bad, except

there had been a torrential downpour right before we got out of our fucking car. So a good percentage of this line is just an ankle deep water. So we stand in this line in this thick swampy South Georgian August after a rainstorm air for about almost an hour. And then we basically get to airport security. And I fucking hate airport security. If they were making a cartoon about us on this show, my arch nemesis would probably be like

airport security man or something. But I suffered through all of that in wet socks. And then I go in and inside the building, it's a bit of a cluster fuck trying to seat everybody. But eventually Lucinda and I, we settled for a spot standing near a ledge with a good view of the side of the stage. And we stand there, elbow to elbow with strangers, for about 4 and 1 half hours, while an indefatigable DJ

keeps the crowd excited for state senators and party officials leading up to the main event, a short speech from Kamala Harris that I mostly already heard at the DNC. Now, I know I've just described this as though it's a terrible experience, but the point is that despite reading like just a list of all the things I hate doing most in the world, I fucking loved it. I wish I could go back to another one every day between now and the election, standing there amongst all these people I'd never met. People are all different ages and ethnicities, the whole rainbow of sexualities and gender

identities, rich people, poor people, all squeezed in there together, united in a purpose that is as vital as it is revitalizing. We're all feeding off of each other's energy, trying to lift each other up with our smiles, trying to embody joy in the hopes that a passing camera will allow us to temporarily represent the exuberance of that crowd. And I'm sorry to be so verbose about it but I really don't know a shorter way of describing it. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before. And on my way home it occurred to me that that feeling that I was high on, and that I'm still high on a week later, was probably exactly the type of exaltation that people go to mega churches for.

It has a lot of parallels, right? The music, the unity, the rhythmic movements, the shouts of support, the call and response, and hanging over all of that, of course, this grand sense of unifying purpose. This feeling that what you're doing matters more than anything else in the whole fucking world right now. And sure, that may be granted me some sliver of sympathy for people who get caught up in churches, but far more than that, it just pissed me off.

Because, you know, feeling the real thing that they were co-opting just made the fact that they were co-opting it that much worse. It was like finally seeing the original and only then realizing what a piece of shit the remake really was. See, the purpose, the sense of being a small part in a grand narrative, that was the intoxicant. That's what we were all getting high on and that makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. I was experiencing the feeling of making the community better with that community. I was experiencing the joy that comes with a collective effort towards a better world. And it makes sense that evolution would favor people who get high on that, right? And much like any good high, I left wanting more of it. That's

the advantage, right? But that's also where churches usually step in because they can offer you that very same feeling, can't they? Sure, the narrative is some bullshit about a spiritual war against a satyr for the future of ghosts, but it's compelling as all hell. And there's a part for you to play in it so you can feel that same captivating feeling of purpose without all the trouble of actually having to have a purpose. Because, you know, having a purpose, that's a whole big fucking thing. Real purpose is subject to setbacks and failures and disappointments, but pretend purpose,

the kind that the churches offer, well that's bulletproof. God always wins in the end, so you never have to worry about feeling that pang of loss. And when you look at it through that lens, how can you not be enraged by it? There exists inside of most of us an innate desire to make the world a better place, and churches have redirected that instinct towards their own coffers. Yeah, sure, sometimes they actually channel it into good works from time to time, but the pool that they're dipping into is the good works pool to begin with, so that's hardly

worth celebrating. The fact that you stole some of the money isn't mitigated by the fact that you didn't steal the rest, but luckily for me, I'm secular. I don't have an enemy to get high on imaginary accomplishments and I still want to taste mitigated by the fact that you didn't steal the rest. But luckily for me, I'm secular. I don't have it in me to get high on imaginary accomplishments, and I still want to taste that elation again. But I know that I can only get there

by actually doing something, so I'm doing something. I'm volunteering for the campaign and I'm helping arrange trips to the polls for local voters. I'm boosting the online signal from the campaign through my social media channels every chance I get. And perhaps most importantly, I'm tapping into the greatest resource that I have available to me. You. That's right. On Saturday, September 21st, we're going to be teaming up with Tom and Cecil over our cognitive dissonance like we've

done before. And we're going to raise some fucking funds because as much as I hate the system we've got now, it is the system we've got now and money makes the difference. So we're going to be breaking down the intro to project 2025 in a two hour live stream starting at 8pm Eastern again on Saturday, September 21st and the whole time we're going to be encouraging everybody to chip in and donate to act blue. We've already got over $12,000 in matching funds available. So every dollar you donate during that period is going to be doubled. And by then, by the time we get to the 21st, we're hoping that

number is going to be even bigger. Collectively, we did not do enough in 2016. Your grandkids are going to be dealing with the consequences of that. And I'm sorry, if your grandkids are already dealing with those consequences, I meant their grandkids. I remind myself of that every day, whether I want to or not. We didn't do enough and we unleashed the ugliest shit American politics has seen in my lifetime. Join us on Saturday, September 21st in trying to ensure that we don't make that same mistake again. Joining me for headlines tonight are the best friends this segment has needed for so long.

Eli Bosnik and Cecil Submittalian. Fellas, are you ready to don your friendship bracelets? Psh, bracelets? I'm ready to get matching Prince Alberts, Noah. Can you not sit on my lap as we record? My Albert is still sore. Well, all right. Well, it looks like we need a minute to rearrange the seating chart.

So we're going to take a quick break for a word from our first sponsor this week, Factor. And now I flip it with the spatula? No, man. It's soup. You can't flip soup. No. Hey guys. Guys, what you doing?

Oh, hey Noah. Cecil's just trying to teach me to cook, but I don't think I'm doing so good. Yeah. He put salt in a frying pan for 13 minutes before I told him it wasn't gonna turn into popcorn. I forgot the second ingredient. Yeah, it's corn. Look, Eli, cooking at home is great,

but if you don't have the skills for it, why don't you just try factor? What's factor? Factor's fresh, never frozen meals are dietitian approved and ready to eat in just two minutes. So no matter how busy you are, you'll always have time to enjoy nutritious, great tasting meals. Two minutes?

That's faster than it took me to find the spoons Cecil wanted me to use. You tried to climb in the dishwasher and become one of the silverware. But Noah, don't those meal kits get kind of samey? Not factor. With 35 different meals and more than 60 add-ons to choose from every week, you'll always have new flavors to explore. But do they have good food? Because Cecil was all like, we're making a blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Soup. The word I said was soup, man. They sure do. With Factor, you can treat yourself to restaurant quality meals that feature premium ingredients like filet mignon, shrimp, and blackened salmon. Alright Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Head to factor meals dot com slash scathing fifty and use the code scathing fifty to get

fifty percent off your first box plus twenty percent off your next month. That's code scathing fifty at factor meals dot com slash scathing fifty to get fifty percent off your first box plus twenty percent off your next month while your subscription is active. Alright Noah, I guess I'll get back to cooking on Season Liberally. Don't plug during the factor ad Cecil. YouTube.com slash Season Liberally. Oh, okay.

And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, conservative Christians are going after your Johnson yet again. Because according to the National Religious Broadcasters Intercessors for America or NRBIA, the IRS, which has revoked the tax exemption status of one, possibly two churches in the 70-year history of the Johnson Amendment, is intimidating churches with its enforcement of the Johnson Amendment. Yeah, I was gonna make a joke about how this is like saying the Justice Department is intimidating churches with their prosecution of child rapists But then I remember that's actually an argument the Catholic Church is making

Sure are So... Yeah Yeah Yeah So as I'm sure you'll recall the Johnson amendment is the law that forbids tax-exempt organizations from endorsing political candidates Now it's pretty forgiving they can still advocate for issues And then they can publish report cards and say which candidates align with those issues

and which don't. But you can't just say vote for Trump, in theory, because they actually do that shit constantly and they never get in trouble with it. In fact, for a long time, they recorded themselves doing it and sent videos to the IRS along with attachments that said some variation on come at me, bro. Yeah.

But the IRS never did anything because the Johnson amendment is as powerful as the dead guy it was named after. But even that's too onerous for the NRBIA apparently. Wow. This is from the church. It says it's a connect the dots that only has three points in the vague shape of a checkmark over this box labeled Trump. That's crazy.

Yes, our voting guide. Yeah. Now the technique on this lawsuit is actually kind of hilarious because what they do is they throw out all these examples of newspapers and left-wing churches endorsing candidates and not getting in trouble for it. And they say, see, when they endorse Democrats, it's fine. But when we do it, we get in trouble. But what they don't include, of course, is a list of examples of them doing it and getting

in trouble. All they could come up with was one example of a Republican pastor getting fined to some unspecified amount for a violation at some point. But there's no public record of even that tiny little thing actually having happened. Well, hold on though. Christians normally don't let things like proof get in the way. No, that's fair. Right. Right.

Yeah. And neither does the Supreme Court. So what really happened here is that nobody gets in trouble for violating the Johnson Amendment. The IRS has been completely abdicating their responsibility under that law as long as it's been around, as far as I know, because the IRS is afraid to go after churches and newspapers. And so when they presented their examples, they just left out all the Republicans getting away with it and pretending there was prejudice.

Yeah, the IRS is basically a very non-confrontational golden retriever and their Kong filled with peanut butter is people that make $25,000 a year or less. Oh yeah. Fucking gets the hell out of that. Fucking A-man. And in Jesus Shaves news, as regular listeners to this show are well aware, some of our favorite villains here at the scathing atheist are Monica Cole and the square rootingly named One Million Moms.

The square roots are smaller, but I'll give you points for trying for a match. You know what I was going for. Now, if you aren't familiar, One Million Moms is if putting a sticker on a CD were an organization, and they have less Twitter followers than No Illusions. And I stopped using Twitter when Elon took over, yeah. Exactly. And usually their objections and hysteria

are pretty straight down the middle, right? A Cheerios ad showed a gay person a hot sauce commercial said, heck. But this week, they have an objection. So prude. I don't think even they know what they're offended by. So you know what that means. What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest, Christian Freak Out. Yes, in a post on their website titled, Gillette Intimate Ad is Extremely Inappropriate, Cole took to the blogosphere herself with this to say, quote, Gillette Intimate needs to be held accountable for the disgusting commercial that repeatedly hints about and focuses on shaving men's genitalia. This specific commercial, Respect Your Junk, with its tagline Respect Your Pubic Region, is currently airing on television and appears to be gaining even more airtime recently. In correlation to the sudden increase of complaints, 1MM has received

regarding this advertisement. Yeah, cutting off your poodle's worth of tangled pubes is actually an affront to God. Yes! It isn't like that at all. Not all of us have a poodles worth, Cecil. That's mostly your problem. Well, sorry I made that ubiquitous. Yeah, I'm sorry. This takes their misplaced anger at groomers to an entirely new level, I think.

Yeah, exactly. Now, you might be wondering, what is so offensive about the ad? Well, let's read on. Quote. Oh, please. The ad begins with a man standing in front of his bathroom mirror wearing a towel around his waist. The horror. As he peeks down inside to evaluate

the need for grooming. Oh, Monica, I will give you $100 for all the ways you tried to phrase that sentence before you landed on that one. $100. During the commercial, the man is shown in his shower, no longer wearing his towel. Yeah, no, we get it. Or shaving below his belly button while his hand continues downwards towards his groin.

But the camera shot cuts off to the right before his pubic region is visible to the audience." It's fine. The guy was Japanese. There's just pixels down there, so it doesn't matter. I'm sorry, is she mad that they didn't show her the dick? I don't get it. It seems like that's what she's mad about, because she concludes, quote, this commercial

is entirely too specific and graphic for television. The details are over the top. Yet Gillette still chose to air this commercial despite its obviously controversial nature. It has been brought to our attention that the ad has aired on Children's Network as well. Can you imagine what goes through a child's mind when viewing this ad? Gillette should be ashamed." End quote.

Yeah, here's what's going through a kid's head. Oh man, a stupid shaving commercial Well, I guess I'll just shriek incessantly until my show comes back Yes, what I want to know is what she imagines is going through that kid's head. Yeah, right It's like wait, he's shaving near his penis. Does that mean there is no God and we're all just vessels of potential pleasure Communism I wasn't gonna read this Kierkegaard until that guy changes his balls, but now, Moses wasn't saying. So yeah, I know this isn't necessarily religious news story, but I pointed out because one,

God Monica Cole is funny as hell and her life is so bad. I just want to talk about it all the time. But also, also it's worth pointing out that this, this is what religion turns you into, right? A blog driven to hysterical boycott by a clean language commercial about personal grooming. You know, just in case you forget which side has the weirdos for a second. Yeah, right. And in Thou Doth Protest Too Much News, Texas hate preacher, which sounds redundant, Dylan Oz, recently called for the death of two gay men who gave a sermon at a local megachurch. Oz, who resembles the default shape of every stress toy ever made, hails from Watauga,

which is a city near Fort Worth, Texas. But he didn't stop just there. He also declared that the pastor who temporarily handed over the pulpit to the two men should be put to death as well. The pastor in question is Charles Andrew Stanley, the founder of the non-denominational evangelical North Point Ministries. Yeah, worth remembering that when someone points out shitty people in the atheist movement, these are the guys they're caping for. You know what I'm saying? Right.

Yeah, no, we've heard from Dylan Oz before. He just pops up in the news cycle every couple of years to make death threats to a minority like a fucking bigotry cicada or something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So, Hey preacher, Dylan had this to say, quote, what a nice guy Andy Stanley is. What a nice guy you are for letting children

in your congregation be abused by pedophiles. How nice of all the pastors today that are enabling sexual predators in the church to harm people permanently, to scar them for life, to hurt them spiritually, because you just want to be nice. Well, you know what? Go to hell, Andy Stanley, and every single pastor like you go to hell."

End quote. And I mean, it hardly needs pointing out at this stage, but the pedophilia was coming from inside the house. Yeah. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's comparing pedophilia and being gay, or the fact that he thinks pedophilia is as bad as damaging a kid spiritually. Right.

Yeah. But also, a little ridge to go, how dare you hurt someone for life, scar someone for the rest of their life. Why, you should be tortured for eternity. Shit. I said it. Damn it. Now, it wasn't finished there. Tortured for eternity shit. I said it. Damn it.

It wasn't finished there. Quote, that's where we've gotten as a nation by being nice to sodomites. You know, first it was they can get married. Then it was they can have all equal rights. Then it was we could have drag shows out in public. Then it was, well, we could take children into drag shows too. Then it was like, well, we could allow homosexuals to attend church. And now it's, we can let drag queens attend church end quote.

I'm just watching the sentence version of a man desperately trying to pretend he's slipping down a slope on completely flat ground. Yes. No, he says equal rights and then the rest of his ands are just a list of equal rights. I know, you can just stop right there. I love how he goes after how damn entertaining gay people are. One of the things he's mad at, of the things he's mad at, three of the six things he's mad at are some kind of entertaining performance.

They're just dressed so nice and their tap routine was flawless. Yeah, well, you know, you've heard of a compliment sandwich, right? This is a death threat sandwich. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I promised a murder part. Thank you, Eli. Here it is. Quote, now they're behind the pulpit. Why? Because of nice guys like Andy Stanley that won't say what needs to be said,

which is these guys should get a bullet in their brain that they should get the death penalty, not be preaching behind a pulpit." Cool. So literally everyone who stayed in the room should be thrown in jail as a hate crime vaccination, right? Like really? Yeah. Well, and look, speaking of which, the Christianity defenders are going to try to claim that, well,

that's just some lone extremist. You're going for these extreme examples or whatever. But he has a congregation. It's small, but he's got one. And we've been reporting on him saying shit like this since episode 486. That's June of 2022. And something tells me we didn't fucking report on it the first time he made a bigoted death. Yeah, yeah, that didn't make news, right? Okay, so I know if you watch this video, you're going to think that this is Pastor Steven

Anderson's church, but it's not. Pastor Steven Anderson is in Tempe, Arizona, although I wouldn't be surprised if these two churches were connected via large wooden wardrobe somehow. Much of what this guy is upset about is child indoctrination and he says as much and he never realizes how close he actually is to hearing what he's saying the church is mad that someone else will indoctrinate the kids right yeah cuz if they have to out-doctrinate them first that doubles their efforts way harder it's like walking uphill both ways. It's crazy. Yeah. I know this has been said a thousand times, but these people are absolutely terrified that their kids are going to learn about the existence of gay people and then somehow get

the gay. But you can't just hear about a sexuality and then automatically just be that sexuality. Because if that's the case case then everyone would be a bisexual polyamorous furry with a scat fetish after hearing even just one of Eli Bosnick's podcast. Right? Okay well to be fair if our patreon is an example of that that actually might be true. Well now I'm headed in the other direction. You got me all mixed up, Sea Dog. You got me all mixed up. Alright so inawg. You got me all mixed up. All right. So in a more positive note, to end this on a positive note, I think we know which message here is more powerful.

The message of inclusion is happening at a mega church. This message of hate is being yelled to 12 boomers in a basement rec room. Yeah, fair enough. And since Cecil's doing a story about babbling assholes anyway, I think it'd be a great time for a break to talk about our next sponsor this week. You guys are wondering what the fuck sponsor could possibly go at the end of this segue, right? Babble. Ah, there it is.

Not her. She's a selfie. Not a selfie. From Salty? Wait, okay, so locations are possessive? It depends on the participle. Hey, Eli, did somebody park a motorcycle with a baby-carried sidecar on our porch? That's me. Hey, Noah. Oh, hey, Boston Lady. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm helping Eli get ready for the Boston Live show. Learning the language of my people. It's true, she is. Eli, if you want to master a new language, why don't you just try Babbel? Trust me, there is a lot of Babbel. Did I tell you guys that time my sister got pregnant from a toilet seat? See, there's a lot of this. No, no, Babbel is the science-backed language learning app that gets you talking.

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Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash scathing. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash scathing. Rules and restrictions may apply. Any chance Babbel offers Boston? Sadly, they do not. All right, I guess we should get started again then. Sure, but I want to smoke and check on the baby first. You brought your baby?

I said I brought a baby. Got it. A man wrote in the Bible? A horse was smart. If it's a legitimate race. It is a slut, right? Cooking can be fine. Hey!

I'm proud of a man! This week in Massagena. Oh, they're running scared now, aren't they? See, the thing about wedge issues is that they only work while you maintain the status quo. And that's one of those unspoken truths that pretty much all the Republican politicians of my adulthood understood. You pay lip service to banning abortion, but you never actually do it. If you did, not only would you lose your wedge issue, but you'd also give one to the other

side. But Trump is too dumb to comprehend most of the things that are spoken, let alone the unspoken ones. So here he is holding the mail truck with a dead golden goose at his feet and a stupid grin on his face going, why are you mad? Because of course, ever since Roe was overturned, the Republicans have been in an electoral dungeon. Deep red states like Ohio and Kansas are turning out in record numbers to protect reproductive

rights. They lost their red wave because of it. They've lost governorships over it. And now they're staring down the barrel of losing a presidential election over it. And they don't like that view at all. It's gotten so bad that even Trump's quartet of brain cells put it together for a minute. See, Florida, home to one of America's strictest abortion bans, has a ballot measure that would protect abortion access through viability. Which is still a fucked up compromise, but way better than the six-week ban they've got now.

through viability, which is still a fucked up compromise, but way better than the six-week ban they've got now. And when he was asked about it, Floridian, Donald Trump, first indicated that he would vote in favor of the ballot measure because, quote, we need more than six weeks, end quote. Of course, as soon as his supporters heard that, they went into full riot mode. So much so that within days, Mr. Never Backs Down backed down and said he would vote against the measure. He's also made some face noises about rejecting a national abortion ban if he's elected and also brought up the quixotic notion of making IVF treatment free for all Americans, which in case you weren't aware is not one of the president's powers in our form of government.

But it is a strong indication that his stance on abortion rights scares the hell out of him. And Trump's not the only one desperately hoping to hide from this issue. Texas Senator and man who ordered donuts like an alien in an ill-fitting person suit before it was cool, Ted Cruz, finds himself in an unexpectedly tight reelection race against former NFL player Colin Allred. The last I saw, he was only ahead by two points in a poll with a point and a half margin of error. And while Allred's got a lot going for him and Cruz is a demonic puss jewel with a beard, the main reason the Democrats are doing so well is because the pervasive horror stories of Texas

women suffering under the state's draconian abortion law. A law, by the way, that Cruz championed. He also championed the Trump-appointed judges that paved the way for the overturning of Roe, as well as the Trump-appointed judges that overturned it. Well, now Cruz is desperately hiding from the abortion question, hoping that if he stands really still until November 5th, nobody will notice him.

Which means that even if he wins, we know this was enough to stop him in his tracks. Or whatever gastropods have instead of tracks. Anyway, with that uncharacteristically uplifting report, I'll wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah, Eli, and Cecil. Thank you, Lucinda. And in putting the vote in votive news tonight, with Donald Trump, every accusation is a fucking admission. Right? He accuses Biden of weaponizing the Justice Department. He fired his AG for not being weaponized enough. He accuses Hillary of being careless with classified emails. He uses fucking Yahoo mail and a burner phone the whole time

he's in office. He accuses Biden of having a drug addicted son. I could get Don Jr. to snort a line of sand at a fucking party after I told him it was sand. All right. So it's worth reflecting for just a second on all the accusations he's made about Democrats using corrupt vote counters to influence the 2020 election, especially in light of a Christian ministry called Lion of Judah appearing to be trying to do exactly that.

Oh, how appropriate a group pushing a stop the steal narrative called Lion. Right. So first of all, quick thanks to Matt for sending us this one at scathingnews.gmail.com. Matt, for sending us this story that I used this week. You get a free order of French fries at One Wendy's Drive-Thru. But here's the trick, we don't tell you which one it is, so you just have to keep going to different ones

until you find the right one. Yeah, and we have been assured that this one will get a lot less people arrested than when we offered this with hand jobs. Yeah, right, right, yeah, importantly. So anyway, so the terrifying ministry at the heart of this thing is called Lion of Judah. And their stated goal is to assist Christians in registering as election workers, which should probably raise your hackles even before I tell you that the ministry

is staffed entirely with election deniers and that their outreach includes sending people to an overtly pro-Trump website called Fight the Fraud. So, yeah. So their goal is to get election denialists who think that stealing votes is just how it's done into a position to steal votes. Right. But as we've seen multiple times since 2020, our election system was invented to stop idiot farmers who want to cheat at voting. So much of the time these idiots just end up like counting pieces of

paper and they are so fucking mad about it. So I should also mention that this entire effort is being promoted by Lance Wallnau, who regular listeners will remember from virtually every list of stupid Christian reactions we have ever compiled on this show. He's as regular a feature in those. He's a regular. Yeah, no, he's as regular in those things as the fucking Anna jingle. But if you're not familiar, he's a Christian nationalist pastor who bills himself as the father of American dominionism. Dominionism being the belief that evangelical Christianity should control every aspect of American life, including, of course, the government. Lance was hocking $45 Trump slash Cyrus coins a bit ago, a little while ago.

Really? But I'm actually saving money until he comes out with the Judas slash any one of 24 former Trump aides that are voting for Harris coin. I think that, maybe just have a whole collection. You could do a whole collection, like 24, like collect them all. I would 100% do that.

Oh yeah, right, like they did with the state quarters. Yeah. Now, to be honest, like Eli, I'm kind of looking forward to whatever slapstick shenanigans we're liable to get from people who think you can just sneak extra votes in on the thumb drive somehow. But as we learn from the Trump presidency and the entire history of American Christianity, being laughably incompetent doesn't mean you can't still be dangerous as all hell. So this is one worth keeping an eye on. Yeah, definitely.

A quick note here that they don't actually have to be successful at contesting any election. They just slow the process down and that's enough of a seat of doubt and that is a total win for them. Yep, absolutely. Mm-hmm. And in the Internet is Forever news, the platonic ideal of regret JD Vance had another bit of unearthed audio this week. He says that atheists and agnostics have no value system and people who think that gender and racial equity should exist are just unhappy cat ladies.

Yeah, well, I think nobody with the haircut of an anthropomorphic radish should be telling anyone about anything. So JD Vance is the Ted Cruz of Sarah Palin. And that might just be the lowest notch. The human dial goes to. Yeah, he's found it. So JD Vance, who literally has never had a single value in his life, who cosplayed as a hillbilly for book sales, a never Trump or who is also Trump's vice presidential candidate, thinks we are all miserable.

And here's a quote from his guest appearance on the moment of truth podcast. Quote, to me, what it is is sort of a value system to replace the fact that they're all fundamentally atheist or agnostic. They have no real value system. Their only value system is achieve in a very conventional way. So, the idea that somehow they're pursuing racial or gender equity is like the value system that gives their life meaning. Well, of course, they all find that that value system leads to misery and leads to unhappiness." And another thing about them is that the lady in the donut shop said she didn't want to be on camera with them, but I think that's... she just didn't want to be on camera with me. I mean them. I'm talking about them and their... Yeah.

What they're going through all this time forever. To know who he's talking about in this. So I'm just curious, whose misery, JD? How does thinking people should be equal lead to misery? I'd love for a salt of the earth, very normal and regular human to explain that to me. Right. Yes. Also, there are no fucking unhappy cat ladies. OK, because they have cats. I'm a cat person.

Like, it is impossible for me to be unhappy in the presence of your peekaboo because because of the peets, because of the exactly toby. Yeah, the toby's you said right now you try and sadly say toby. Right. Yes. Toe beans. Yeah, the toe beans. Agreed. You sadly, right now you try and sadly say toe beans. You can't do it. You can't do it. All right, I'd like to pause too for a second and just say that I am like a huge fan of Guy Liner, but JD Vance still dresses like he was the Nosferatu primogen at the One World

by Night Tampa Bay. He dresses like a cop undercover at a goth ring. So JD Vance continues here and he tries to make a medical analogy that is neither analogous or accurate so I'm just going to skip it. Oh well if the X-Rex is going to get way shorter if you skip out the inaccurate bit, sure yeah. I guess that's true. All right. So he concludes quote, okay, clearly this value set has made me a miserable person who can't have kids because I already passed the biological period when it was possible. By the way, he's only talking about one gender there. And I live in a 1200 square foot apartment in New York and I pay $5,000 a month for it and I'm really better than all these other people what I'm going to do is project my racial and gender

sensitivities on the rest of them the reason that our society is broken is because all these people don't think the exact Way that I think and quote and I have no idea who he's talking to. Who's talking here? And also, where are these therefours coming from? They just throw therefours around like they're making it rain. Right? Even setting aside how nonsensical both sides of his equation are, how did they relate to one another? Man, my rent's too high.

Therefor, I hate everyone and want to use my hate for everyone to make them like each other. What? It's so bad. All right. So every single thing, like you said earlier, Noah, that these people say is a confession. You make it sound like anyone who supports DEI needs everyone to think the exact same way.

Diversity and inclusion are literally built on the idea that we in fact do not want everyone to think a exact same way. Diversity and inclusion are literally built on the idea that we in fact do not want everyone to think a certain way. The people who need everyone to think the exact same way are religious people or Republicans. Right, the religious people who all stand up together and say we believe in one God the Father. They have a fucking rant for that, Jesus Christ. You do have a chant, guys.

Yeah, it's like the whole thing. Gotta look in on the fact that you do have a chant. They do it over anal beads, too. Yep, they do. Best part of the religion. And finally tonight in Paypen Pillage News, we have some news about the pope that is not about him saying a gay slur this week.

So, you know, put it on the board. Two more of these and he can choose something from the prize box. This week's news about everyone's favorite child papist comes from Timor-Leste in South Asia, where in preparation for the Pope's visit and a large outdoor mass, several local homes were bulldozed. Oh no. The protesters that surrounded the house were shot with water cannons filled with holy water to keep them at bay Get him out of the way. Oh, yeah. You gotta blow you bulldoze. So you gotta give him something to pray for when he's there Right. Yeah, exactly

So first off big thanks to Liam for sending us this story first to scathing news at gmail.com Liam We would never bulldoze your house for a prime live show location and that among many other reasons is why we're better than the Pope Yeah, yeah other reasons include comic delivery Intricate knowledge of comic book timelines and lack of profiteering off of the rape of children. It's true. It's the last biggest Yeah, anyway, if you're one of the uncultured rubes who had never heard of Timor Lest before hi Don't blame you Timor Lest before. Hi, don't blame you. Timor Leste has a population of just 1.3 million, but about 95% of that population identify as Catholic.

That's the largest proportion of any population outside of the Vatican. So this outdoor mass is expected to be huge. And according to several local politicians, the country is not prepared for that size crowd like at all. So many of the houses in the area, which were built illegally, are being torn down to make room. The article I read on ABC News reported that 185 families have had their homes flagged for eviction and demolition. And while the government has said that they'd be offering compensation, many that the news outlet had spoken to hadn't been offered anything at all.

So we're going to knock down your house and give you what we decide afterwards it was worth was too good for them to follow through with? Jesus. They bulldozed my house and all I got was this, the Pope is dope shit. That sucks. Now, you might be saying to yourself, Eli, that's obviously tragic, but where's the government supposed to get the money to house these people? Well, they might use the $18 million that the country has set aside for the Pope's visit

or hell, just the $1.5 million they're spending on the special altar for the occasion. And again, this is a country where 40% of the population lives beneath the poverty line. You have to love that the leader of a worldwide religion that preaches solidarity with those in poverty will show up to your very poor country, but only if you comp them. Right? Gotta throw something in it. Yeah. So this is a great reminder that even when religious folks like the Pope are supposed

to be like at their most sympathetic because they're visiting the poor and the destitute, they are harming rather than helping those people. And there is literally no scenario that a rejection of reason doesn't make worse. And with our statement of purpose still ringing in your ears We're gonna wrap the headlines for the night Eli Cecil. Thanks as always and or sometimes Jumanji and when we come back Jesus will bring the sass Hey podcast listener, it's me, fucking Boston lady. So I heard you wanted to come to the Boston live show, but it's sold out.

Well good fucking news. The tickets for God Awful Movies Live in Nashville on December 7th are now available at GodawfulMoviesLive.com. But don't fucking wait, because if you fucking wait, you're going to miss out on tickets and then you're going to have to sneak in the side door when they go out for a smoke. And then when you go inside and take someone's seat, they say, sorry, but my friend's sitting there and you say, I'm fucking pregnant. You can't kick me out. I'm fucking pregnant.

And then they call the cops and then you fight the cops and then one of them's actually your cousin. I'm sorry, Boston lady? Right, yeah, so God of Home Movies live in Nashville, get your fucking tickets before they sell out or something. Are you actually pregnant? I don't know, probably. Probably. Did I fucking stutter? probably Nope got it probably So Cecil just left yeah, I think he had a cat thing Yeah, I think he had a cat thing Cat thing. Yeah, Don. He had a cat thing. Hey guys. What what happened to Cecil? He heard

damn bad news About his cats. Oh, yeah, right his cats Yeah Anyway, you guys ready to record Bible Peace Theater the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't Have to read it. We sure are. Where were we? Well, we were still in Matthew. Jesus just kind of whipped out the everybody who gets saved gets equally saved news and the apostles are not taking it well. I don't understand, Jesus. How can people who inherit the kingdom of heaven sit by your side the same way we get to? Okay, actually

significantly before you. Right. Yeah, or that. Okay, look it, look. Let me tell you a story that will make this clear, okay? So, I'm like the master of a farm, and you're my workers. Oh, we're in the parable now. Oh, right. Right. Fun costumes. Come on. Sure. So we work for you.

Yeah. And you make a penny a day. Is that good? It's fine. It's not the point. But anyway, today, halfway through the day, I hired some other guys and then right at the end of the day, I like saw some other guys just hanging out and I like hired them to kind of like a front of Home Depot situation. Sure, sure, sure. So now it's time to pay you and everyone gets a penny. Well, that's not fair.

We worked all day for that penny. That's true, but that's what you agreed to be paid. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil because I am good. So the last shall be first and the first last for many be called but few chosen. See it's like that. Well but isn't that like very obviously unfair? No it's not not unfair. It's generous. Right, except instead of paying us, you're forgiving child rape? Exactly.

OK, you see how it's different though, right? Very different. I deeply do not. So then the mother of James and John has a request. Wait, sorry, their mom wants to talk to Jesus. Yep. Man, they really are still Jews. Yeah, they are.

Excuse me, excuse me, Mr. Jesus. Oh, my dad, an old person, what? Yeah, I hope you don't mind. I was talking to my boys when they came home the other night about, you know, furthering their opportunity in your organization. My apostles? Exactly. And they said to me, oh, mom, there's no room for growth.

We're all just followers. Followers of the Lord of God. Yes. But they... And I said, I said, let me say, and then I said, let me go down to speak to this gentleman, because I know if I ask him, he's gonna let you sit right there in his left and right hand.

Okay, sorry. You're here to ask me if your kids can sit at my... And they're gonna be such good workers for you too. You should have seen John when he did karate. I told him you could be a karate master if you want. That's how good he was. I said he could be a karate master. Okay, let me Bible this up for you, all right?

Let he who is baptized like me and may drink from my cup ask of me my right hand. Sounds great. Where's the cup? Sorry. Give me, give me the cup. My sons will drink from your cup. Is that, is this it? No, no, no, that's a parable. How about this one? Is it this cup over here? Hey, Jesus, mom said you wanted us to drink from your cup. How? She was standing here the whole time.

Is this the cup? Is this the cup, Jesus? Oh, OK, fine. Even though that was very clearly a metaphor, your sons can be baptized like me and drink from my cup, but my father will decide who sits at my right hand. I totally understand. Can I speak to your father? Oh lady, I wish you would.

Jesus, what the fuck? Hey, other apostles, what's with the frowny face? Uh, John and James' mom came and complained to you and they got special treatment? What gives? Okay, look, you guys know how those people are, right? Have you ever argued with a Jewish woman? That's all we do. It's old timey Jew times, right? Okay, well then you get it. I mean, we don't not get it. Thank you.

So now it's time for Jesus to ride into Jerusalem. Finally! He's got to set the scene. Of course he does. Okay, here we are. Now someone get me an ass and a colt. I got to ride him into the city. I'm sorry, you gotta get both of them?

Yes, that's what the prophecy says. So let's do it already. Come on. Sorry, Jesus question. Are you going to put this in the book? Of course I am. That's why I'm doing it. No, sorry.

I mean the part where you say you're just doing this for the prophecy. Oh, I don't know. Should I not? I don't know. It feels a little... hair and makeup. It's not like a fun little backstage peek, like parting my robe a little bit. Not really. Okay, well fine. Well then we'll probably cut this. what's crafty today? He does. Oh, I hate Peters So Jesus makes it into the city and immediately starts throwing people who are selling stuff out of the temple and

Stay out my house shall be called the house of prayer But ye have made it a den of thieves. So wait, you want us to not sell Christian stuff? I mean, like, okay, so like, what are you thinking? Books? Ugly jewelry? Video courses on not tricking off? A movie industry bad enough to support a whole nother podcast?

Okay, those things are all fine, but the guy with the doves has to go. Get out of here. Not coo, man. Not coo. So Jesus heads to Bethany and on the way he gets a little snacky. Eww, I feel a little peckish here. Ooh, look a fig tree. It doesn't look like it has any figs though. What?

Oh, fuck you, fig tree! I curse you to never bear fruit again! Wow, uh, it died. Uh, you guys aren't gonna put this, like, in the Bible, are you? The part where you yell at a tree? Yeah, I certainly hope we leave it out. Okay, Noah, question. What's that parable actually about?

Like, I mean, aside from giving us a sweet argument. Yeah. So the figs are a metaphor for Jews. Because wrinkles? No, no, no. So in Mark, which Matthew is almost certainly based on, this story and the story of the driving the money changers out of the temple are switched. Right?

So they head into town, they see the tree has no fruit. He chases out the money changers and on the way out of town, they see that the tree is dead. Oh, well, that makes a lot more sense. Why didn't they keep that in there? Because generations of idiots translated the book, Don. Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah. Anyway, the chief priests and elders see all the attention Jesus is getting and they have a few questions for him.

Excuse me, Mr. Jesus. Oh, hey, chief priests and elders. How can I help? Yeah, we were just wondering where you get your authority to teach from. Okay, let me ask you a question and if you answer my question, I'll answer yours. Oh, that's very Jewish of you. I know, right? So here's my question. Was John baptized by heaven or men?

Oh, he's got us there. Yeah, because if we say heaven, he'll ask us why we didn't believe in John. And if we say men, we'll get in trouble because everybody believes he's a prophet. Wait, they do? I mean, that's what it says we say right now. Okay, I guess that's what happens.

Um, our answer is... We cannot tell. Okay. Well then I cannot tell you where my authority is from. I knew he was going to say that. Yeah, he got us good on that one. There once were two sons...

Oh shit, is he doing a parable? Yeah, he's doing a parable. My sons, go work in my vineyard. Fuck you, Dad. Fine, I'm going. I'll work, Dad. But secretly, I won't. So, which one did his father's bidding?

Um, the first one? Yeah, the first one. Yeah, the first one. That's right. The publicans and harlots will see heaven before you because you did not believe in John, but the people did. Okay, but you see how that story you just told us is unrelated to that. It seems like your story is about saying one thing and doing another, and that's not... Okay, okay, fine, fine, whatever. If you need another parable, I can do another parable.

Doodly-doo. Doodly-doo. Honestly, just one good parable would be fine. I said doodly-doo! Okay, doodly-doo. My lord, my lord! Yes, servant? What is it? Doodly-doo! Okay, doodly-doo. My lord, my lord! Yes, servant? What is it?

You know how you loaned your vineyard to someone while you were out of the country? Of course, yes, yes. And then you sent your servants to collect the fruit from the people you loaned it to? Yes, yes, yes. Well, the new owners just killed those servants and didn't send the fruit. Hmm. Well, that's not great. Let's send more servants. Sorry.

More servants? Yeah. You know, around a... I guess a dozen? Something like that? Oh. Okay. My lord, my lord!

Yes, my son? The guys at the vineyard just killed the extra servants you sent. I see. Well, then I think you should go. Me? Yes, you're my only son. They'll totally respect you. You think that the guys who killed your servants twice

are gonna respect me? Oh yeah, totally. Okay. My Lord, my Lord, they killed your son. Wow, I did not see that coming. Wow, they killed his son. Can you guys believe they killed his son? Sassy gay Jesus, do you mind getting out of the parable? You are!

Anyway, I shall destroy those in my vineyard and loan it to people who will give me the fruit. See, that's what's going to happen to you. Your kingdom will be taken from you and given to someone who does appreciate the gifts of God. Oh, all right, Jesus. Great, great parable. Thank you. No, it's good story. Jesus. Did

you hear that? We totally have to kill Jesus. He's going to take away our kingdom. Yeah, but he's got a big crowd of fans. What do we, what do we do? Uh, leak his nudes. I don't think he has those. That's what you think. Okay, I'll tell you what, we'll ask him some questions and then he'll admit he's trying to overthrow the government. That's perfect. Then said the king to the servants, bind him hand and foot and take him away and cast him into outer darkness for there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. For many are called, but few are chosen.

Hey, Jesus, sounds like you're telling another murder story about how cool your dad is. Oh, you know it. So fun. Love that. Look, I just want to say, I know you are totally legit, but I was wondering if we should, um, pay our taxes? Really? Twice in one book? No, we were just wondering. Okay, look at this coin.

Who do you see on this coin? Uh, a picture of Caesar. That's right. So, give unto Caesar what is his and render unto God what is God's. Hey, do you guys think that's why they put in God We Trust on the money? Oh, God. Probably a little. It's so stupid, right?

God's so dumb. Yeah. And on that depressing note of dibs, we're going to wrap things up for now, but we'll be back soon with even more. Bible Peace Be It Hey, is Rob gone yet? You mean Don? Yeah, that guy.

No, I'm right here. Oh! Hey man, Cecil! Nice to meet you. God damn it. Before we simmer down, I want to remind you one more time that you meant to go to God awful movies live dot com to get tickets to our Nashville show after the Bible piece theater segment, obviously. And speaking of live shows, we're going to be in Boston this weekend.

So the normally scheduled episode of Skeptocrat will not release on Monday. I'm super sorry about that, but we will have a new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend God of Film movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show Citation D to debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously this episode would be more like an ep-ep-episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright whose punnery pervades the show even when he's away. I need to thank Eli Bosnik for being just swell. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lujans for being even-sweller. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusians for being even swell-er.

I want to thank the lovely and talented Cecil Something Italian for being downright sweltering. Also want to thank Don Ford Voice of Fantasy and Adventure for being swole. Also, hey, if you're coming to the Nashville show, there's a rumor that Don's going to be there. And at the Platinum Night in VIP stuff too. So if you've always wanted to see Don's flesh,

this might just be your chance. Also, I want to thank Dr. Christian Shorry of the Earth and Environmental Systems podcast from finding this week's Farnsworth quote. Be sure to check out the show notes for a link to his podcast as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Nathaniel, Adam, Naomi, Steven, Matthew, Heather, J Meteor, Angela and Heath and ways nice Nathaniel, Adam and Naomi, who are cooler than the boomerang nebula, Steven, Matthew and Heather, who are hotter than gold atoms

colliding the LHC, and Jay, Angela and Heath, who are smoother than a quantum stabilized atom mirror. Together, these nine notorious non-believers neutrified our nonsense this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to not have it anymore for our sake, but if you're up to the challenge, you can make a per episode donation

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Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you find all the content involved on the contact page at skatingadios.com. Right? Like just, just in your saved labor, it would probably, it would probably pay for my lip reduction therapy. All right, here we go. Therapy. Sorry. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.