The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 90: Help, Help, I'm Being Oppressed Edition

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

On this week's episode we'll bask in the glorious absence of campaign ads, Phil Robertson will pee standing up and Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss one hundred of the most bafflingly stupid minutes in the history of film.

Warning, we could have called this show the Warm Fuzzy Inoffensive Atheist, and we very consciously elected not to. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Jerusalem's least successful kosher hot dog stand, Iran Frank's, where we promise to cut the mustard, guess. So come on down to Iran Frank's a la carte. Polyglot street meat for Israelis with low standards. And now, The Skating Atheist. This is Stephen Hawking's wheelchair, and we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Hey, Quinta-feira. It's November 6th. And that was Portuguese 4.

It's Thursday, and for the last fucking time, Portugal is not in South America. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from caustically Gnostic, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll bask in the glorious absence of campaign ads. Phil Robertson will pee standing up. And Eli Bosnick will join us to summarize 100 of the most pointless minutes in cinematic history. But first, the diatribe.

If anybody that works in the mainstream media is listening, I think I've got a scoop for you. And you might want to grab a pen or something and write this down, alright? Circles are round, and gravity is the real deal. There you go, that's at least a week's worth of headlines right there, right? And if it doesn't strike you as particularly newsworthy, tell you what, just pretend I'm the Pope. I'm sure you saw it last week. All the major news outlets lined up for their biweekly Pope rimming to dutifully announce that the Pope said that evolution and the Big Bang really happened. Well, kudos for you.

On a grand scale of new information, you might as well have said boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. But apparently, the bar's been set so low that the Pope throwing an occasional bone to reality is worthy of international press. Now, of course, this is the same, hey, look over there, Actiesman Poland, since they gave him the keys to the Popemobile. In the very same week, the Pope also reminded us that the devil's a real guy, and he praised the first annual convention of exorcists for battling the increase in demonic possession. But I suppose, world's most influential religious leader grossly and dangerously misleads his mentally ill followers doesn't make for a feel-good headline, does it?

So instead they go with his tentative acceptance of some parts of reality. And when it comes to evolution, Pope Francis in Genesis hasn't gone any farther than his predecessors. He tentatively accepts some mutant form of evolution that was guided by the hand of God, which is like saying you believe in sentences but you're not sure about words.

And that's the key here. Evolution is a fact. It's not up for debate anymore than gravity or the roundness of circles. It's as firmly established as any theory in science. And the fact that the Pope shows up to the party a hundred years too late shouldn't be the story here. What should be is the fact that he's still getting it wrong a hundred years late. The idea of God-guided evolution necessitates a complete redefinition of at least one of those three words. The key to the theory of evolution isn't that species changed, it's how species changed. And

you don't have to be a fucking biologist to know it wasn't by God going, hmm, well, we haven't tried opposable thumbs yet. You know, I've heard a lot of skeptics and atheists trying their damnedest to pat the Pope on the back for this minor concession, but they shouldn't. You can't have half the theory of evolution. You can't have part meteorology and part magic weather gnomes. The fundamentalists aren't right very often, but they're right about the fact that evolution and God can't both be true.

Consider what God-guided evolution would actually be. Either God's such a bumbling nincompoop that he had the basic idea for humans and he had to get it wrong in almost every conceivable way before he could get it right, or God's some lazy bastard that just sat us on auto, got distracted by a shiny object for three and a half billion years, and then when he looked back on his creation millions and billions of years later, he noticed all the upside-down eyes, sideways sinuses, and faulty teeth, and he didn't bother to fix it. But even that would be too gracious, wouldn't it? I mean, did souls evolve too? Are there Australopithecines wandering the streets of heaven glaring with envy at our cranial

capacity and lower relative brachial index? Or did God just add the souls once he got out of his big post-canine phase? I'm sorry, but as adept as Catholic priests have shown themselves to be when it comes to forcing things into places where they don't belong, this peg's too square and that hole's too round. God-guided and evolution are contradictory terms. And while the liberal theologians steadily try to talk the fundamentalists back from the ledge, this is one of those places where the fundies are right. Evolution leaves no place for God. One or the other has to be untrue. Now, I understand the temptation of atheists to tacitly endorse this worldview.

It's logically inconsistent, sure, but at least that'll get them out of the science classes, right? It may be wrong, but at least it's less wrong. Well, no and no. First of all, right is an either-or proposition here. Evolution plus magic is exactly as wrong as just magic. And to suggest otherwise dilutes the importance of a fact-based worldview, the primary foundation of science. But what's worse is that it gives God an undeserved extra lease on life. The equation works without him.

And I say we reinforce the hell out of that every chance we get. Otherwise, we're voluntarily ceding our biggest advantage here, the fact that we're right. Look, the key here is that I can prove that evolution is true. To any reasonable person and to any reasonable standards, I can absolutely prove that evolution happened, continues to happen, fully explains the diversity of life on the planet, and accounts for every quality observed in our species, even the religious ones. Look, my goal is to keep God firmly imprisoned in fantasy land where he belongs,

and when they try to sneak him into reality, you won't hear me applauding those efforts. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is redneck in the making, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to put on your wife beater, tease up your mullet, and head out to the races? I'd say I'm about halfway to a NASCAR driver. I still make rights like half the time, but I'm getting better. I'm trying to get better.

Three left. In our lead story tonight, a federal district court in Oregon declared last Thursday that for establishment clause purposes, secular humanism is a religion. Thursday that for establishment clause purposes, secular humanism is a religion. Now, while many of our listeners will hiss initially upon hearing this, right, just like that, trust me, this is good news. This is not like last year when the courts tried to declare the FFRF a religious institution to justify some bullshit tax exemption. This is a solid step towards secular equality, and we should celebrate this one quick before Scalia gets a crack at it.

Okay, we see you guys have really good code of morality, superior to every other religion. So you've filed all the right paperwork, but we are going to need to see some genuine sky cake before you get any of those special ignorance privileges. We don't just give that shit away. We're not idiots handing out privileges. You could argue that.

Now, this ruling comes in response to a suit filed by the American Humanist Association on behalf of Jason Holden, a federal prisoner who wanted to start a humanist study group within this prison. His request was denied on the basis that only people who believe in imaginary wizards are allowed to have study groups, but senior district judge and character from a William Faulkner novel, Answer Haggerty, disagreed, arguing that denying humanists the same rights as Christians is exactly what the establishment clauses dare to protect against in the first fucking place. Exactly. And if they really wanted to, the humanists could pretend to be bad at science to get the stupid privileges anyways. Right, yeah.

We're going to get our fucking study group. And in sacred kowtows news tonight, Houston Mayor Anise Parker was reminded that nothing is too benign to be labeled persecution by American Christians last week. Facing a public backlash, her office summarily withdrew five subpoenas against local pastors amid accusations that they were minions of the accursed one and sent to drain the blood of the true disciples of Christ or some equally fabricated bullshit. Right, and the persecution in this case, it took the form of, could you please repeat that? That was it. They said something like, what?

How dare you say that? They seem to believe the Supreme Court has roundly rejected questions of people. These are men of God. They can't be subjected to oppressive,

big government interrogative phrases. That would be absurd. They don't have time for that. Next thing you know, it'll be when and why as well. Discovery process of a civil suit.

Now, you'll recall this story from two episodes ago when the Christians rung the first round of undeserved compromises out of the mayor's office. And it should come as no surprise that ultimately the hollow cries of oppression would win out over reason and evidence. But I thought the story was worth revisiting just to appreciate the staggering level of hypocrisy that these pastors have managed to achieve. Check this out. Here's what's happening.

The churches are suing the taxpayers for trying to protect gays from discrimination and they've convinced the taxpayers they're suing that it would be discriminatory to defend themselves against the lawsuit. Exactly.

Unbelievable. Fucking. And in urinal cake boss news, to defend themselves against the lawsuit. Exactly. Unbelievable. Dude, that's fucking... And in urinal cake boss news, in response to the subpoena controversy and attempted gay rights legislation in Houston that we were just talking about, homophobic Christian activists in the area staged a protest called I Stand Sunday.

That's a piss joke, by the way. So, great job on that piss joke, guys. Not really. Because apparently, Texans believe gay men intend to use women's restrooms and just pee on the wall when they walk in there. That's what they think is going to happen. Now, what they need for this campaign is some kind of a celebrity endorsement from a guy that people associate with urine. And strangely enough, they chose Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, despite his obvious lack of familiarity with indoor plumbing.

Wanted. Person who loves Jesus and pees standing up. This is the first time that dude has ever been qualified for a job in his life. Let's not try to take this away from him. Shit. Now, according to a propaganda film played at the event, gay rights will lead to, quote, a grown man going into the restroom with a six-year-old girl standing alongside of her using the restroom, end quote.

That's not even how it goes. Pee, is it? No, it isn't. Great question. to address why on earth the six-year-old girl in the scenario would pee standing up in a women's room with no stalls, let alone decide to play cross the streams with the pre-op tranny that just saddled up next to her for the same toilet space. That is what they think is going to happen. I reject the use of think in that last sentence.

And in deoxyribonucleic asshat news tonight, the Raelians have finally answered the age-old question of what people would have done with DNA testing if they'd had it in the 16th century. And the answer is... dumb shit. Same thing they do now. In an effort to prove that they're stupider than their swastika-laden UFO abduction cult would suggest, the group subjected several consecrated Eucharists to DNA testing to show

definitively that they contain no Jesus. They actually spent money for DNA testing? This is the science equivalent of swatting a fly off your cartoon friend's head with a shovel that ends up taking the shape of their face afterwards. For their next groundbreaking experiment, the aliens plan to rent out the Large Hadron Collider to race paper airplanes. Which ultimately would be a much better use of scientific resources

actually. That'd be kind of at least cool to watch. Now, in a press release about their, let's call them, findings, the people who believe on faith that super intelligent aliens created humanity in a space lab and then revealed their existence singularly to a failed pop singer slash failed race car driver said that they conducted the research to help people, quote, Baselab, and then revealed their existence singularly to a failed pop singer slash failed race car driver,

said that they conducted the research to help people, quote, rid themselves of superstitions and irrational beliefs, end quote. Eat it, Catholics. That's the Raelians calling you guys stupid and illogical and bad times. Raelians said that to you. You sound like that to Raelians. And in does shit happen news, Michigan State University reluctantly hosted a creationist conference last weekend for the Oklahoma-based biblical literalism club Creation Summit,

whose mission is to, quote, challenge evolution and all such theories predicated on chance, end quote. So, apparently, entropy is for suckers. And apparently these guys can't even get through a nine-word mission statement without betraying their ignorance on the actual theory of evolution. There's a reason, guys, why the fat guy in the red hat hasn't been published in the journal Nature. Right, so the event, entitled Origin Summit! Exclamation! Featured several speakers with CV bullet points like, this degree is technically legal, and real observationless scientist.

If it comes to Spartan events, I'd rather be at Thermopylae. I was looking at their website, and there's a link for the debate, so I clicked on it, because I like debates or whatever, and it says, creationist Dr. Malin degree, we'll go head-to-head with Dr. Real Biologist, and I'm thinking, okay, now this is free. I would go to that, you know. But then I kept reading, and it says, you know, basically, assuming Dr. Real Biologist agrees to the debate,

which we have no reason to think he will, since he apparently doesn't know we exist and hasn't responded to the debate request that we've been sending him for the last eight months. But you never know. He could show up. She might really like me. So you're saying there's a chance.

They were also unable to book Mike Godwin, who they wanted, obviously, for the Nazi comparison portion of the conference that they have to have. And they ended up having to settle on alleged biologist Jerry Bergman, who discussed the very real connection between Galapagos tourist shells and genocide.

Here's a description of his topic from Originsummit.com. No, I description of his topic from Originsummit.com. No, I'm sorry, you mean Originsummit! Sorry. From Originsummit.com. Quote, There's no doubt Adolf Hitler believed in evolution, but to what extent did that belief affect his actions?

You might say he caught the survival of the fittest ball and ran with it. End quote. Well, you might ask what Hitler's vegetarian diet says about vegans in general, too. But in both cases, you'd have to be a fucking idiot. Personally, I find this weird. Between Darwin and the Bible, I've found the latter has contributed much more to my anti-Semitism. And while people try to figure out if that was racist, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Massage. When you consider all the information that is freely accessible these days, you have to figure it's getting harder and harder to remain ignorant.

But if anybody's up to the challenge, it's us Americans. I don't mean to brag, but inactivity is our national pastime, so it shouldn't surprise anybody that we're too lazy to google the patently absurd factoid before passing it along to our Facebook friends. Now, some Americans fear that higher educational standards could reverse this trend and force us to lose our competitive advantage in the global ignorance race. But don't worry. If Americans refuse to volunteer for stupidity, we're happy to force it on them. And when it comes to forced ignorance, no subject motivates Americans like the mysterious workings of the female reproductive system. Take, for example, a school board in Arizona that recently voted to literally rip out the pages of the biology textbook that talked about abortion and contraception.

This honors-level high school textbook has been in use by the district since 2006, so there's no telling how many babies the book has already killed. But luckily, the Gilbert School Board responded to a complaint by a coalition of Christian zealots called Alliance Defending Freedom and narrowly voted to physically tear out the offending pages. When the ADF was accused of censorship, they chose the totally different synonym defense by explaining that they weren't censoring, they were redacting. A representative from the group explained that the school still offers sex ed classes, end quote. If we were censoring, we would not offer anything on this

topic whatsoever, end quote. So apparently somebody tore out a few pages of the reading comprehension part of their textbooks back in the day, too. Now, some would say that a concerted effort to make young women think their vaginas are peopled with minotaurs and pussy trolls represents a deliberate effort to handicap their education and career choices. But those people would be wrong, apparently. That's according to Republican radio host Dennis Prager, sharing a stage with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Prager inadvertently motivated female Florida voters days before the election by explaining that the Republican war on women is a big lie, like the tooth fairy or rape on college campuses.

But luckily, conspiracy lunatic Alex Jones took to the airwaves to remind us that the most dangerous threat facing American women is the same thing it's always been, bands of roving black men. and it's the same thing it's always been. Bands of roving black men. In what could have been mistaken for a plot synopsis of Birth of a Nation, Jones took to the microphone to defend Ben Stein's recent claim that Obama was the most racist president in American history, including the ones who own black people. Jones defended this claim by pointing out that one of Obama's chief accomplishments thus far is that he's, quote,

so energized some black folks with hatred, they believe it's okay to go out and attack whites, end quote. And then he goes on with some warnings about being an attractive white woman around the coloreds. So from election day to race relations to biology education to daylight savings, apparently we're all turning back our clocks. And on that depressing note, I'll close out. But don't worry.

I'm sure I'll have more depressing notes for you next week. Back to you, Noah. Thank you, Lucinda. And from the Caesar can have what's his when he renders it from my cold dead hand file, a church in Albuquerque, New Mexico, made a commendable effort to get persecuted last week when they handed out sample ballots to their parishioners, complete with the names of all the correct candidates highlighted, plus a little campaign material from their favorites.

These people really need an answer key to vote for the red one, fill in the circle, all the correct candidates highlighted, plus a little campaign material from their favorites. These people really need an answer key to vote for the red one, fill in the circle under the red one. They need help with that. Now, we've talked about Pulpit Freedom Sunday a number of times before, but here's a quick refresher. According to U.S. law, a group can either A, endorse political candidates, or B, be tax exempt. Two separate types of groups.

Theoretically, now, churches have the choice between these two, but to nobody's surprise, they choose B and then do whatever the fuck they want. The IRS, always a willing prison bitch for religion, has thus far refused repeated provocations from churches all over the country to rescind their tax-exempt status. What are they waiting for at this point? Just take the free

money these churches are choosing to give away. Even if the churches were then able to successfully sue the IRS and get the law removed, we'd be in the same situation as we are now. It doesn't even change anything. Right, yeah, it can't get any worse. And that's exactly their hope. The churches want the IRS to rescind somebody's tax exemption so that a church can then sue them and get the restriction thrown out by a Supreme Court that's almost as willing to lick syrup

from the asshole of religion as the IRS. So far, the only thing holding these churches back from attacking the law that everybody's using to persecute them is the fact that nobody will use it to persecute them. This has, of course, led to the I'm-not-touching-you-arms race of ever more blatant constitutional violations that we're in right now. And in Avast Ye Inmatey news, incarcerated Pastafarian Stephen Kavanaugh is suing the Nebraska Department of Corrections

over his right to religious free expression in jail. In the Pastafarian holy book entitled The Gospels of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for those who aren't familiar, it states that God, a.k.a. the Flying Spaghetti Monster, becomes angry if adherents preach the gospel without wearing the proper clothing, which is, quote, full pirate regalia, end quote. That's directly from the gospels. Therefore,

Cavanaugh insists that accommodations be made to allow for the purchase of puffy shirts, parrot wranglers, and other such goods and services deemed necessary to satisfy the full regalia requirement. I am so happy this story came up. Dude, I've been waiting for this so long. 90 episodes of this shit before I finally had a legitimate reason to talk like a fucking pirate.

Hold on. Let me get in character. Hold on. Arr. Game on. The unequal pay structure and inconsistent quality of Hollywood films affords me a divine right to steal their finished product whilst denying any misconduct and maintaining a delusional veneer of integrity. All right.

I'm done. I'm done. I've been dying to get that out of this. Anyway, you were saying something about a lawsuit and a prison. I thought we promised not to make ass pirate jokes in this.

Now, as stupid as this may sound, legal analysts believe Kavanaugh may actually have a chance to win this case. Apparently, the courts these days would rather treat the scriptures

from things like the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster as perfectly legitimate belief system than just admit that plenty of religious beliefs are ridiculous and silly.

Now, thanks to recent rulings like Hobby Lobby, any core personeration can state a sincerely held religious belief that isn't working out from the moment, and if God doesn't make it so right there on the spot, existing laws cease to apply to that core personeration for the moment, and then pending the sincerity test results, of course, Congress is required to immediately legislate the new reality into existence for them. dishonoration for the moment and then pending the sincerity test results of course congress is required to immediately legislate the new reality into existence for them and in there's muslims in

them hills news tonight americans were once again shown to not know how numbers work in a recent global survey on religious perceptions when asked to guess what percentage of our national population were muslims the average answer was 15% when the actual number is closer to one. How could you? The group that conducted the survey spins this as a misconception born of what they call the Islamophobia industry, though I think the real answer might be a little simpler than that.

I'm willing to bet that at least half of Americans, that's 50%, have absolutely no idea how much 15% is. And if anybody who has ever worked for TI tips is listening, they will agree with me. I doubt very seriously that Americans generally believe that three out of every 20 people they meet is a Muslim. I just think we're stupid on a much more fundamental level here. Right. Honestly, if you ask most Americans to name any three Muslims besides the Obamas that

live in the entire country, I don't think they'd be able to do it. Somehow, we think there are about 47 million Muslims here. Right, yeah, no. That's our estimate? Yeah, and if you have any doubts about this at all, about how bad people are at percentages, you honestly need to look no further than the presentation of these data. look no further than the presentation of these data. Yeah, the researchers on the study are failing abysmally in their attempt to discuss a very simple

idea called percent error. Right. Quick review from fifth grade math class. Please. Percent error, in this case, is the difference between the guess and the actual number divided by the actual number. That's an important step. You have to divide the actual number at the end of the...

What they compared was the number of percentage points by which the other countries were off, which would only matter if every country had the same percentage of Muslims. Are you absolutely fucking kidding me? How do you have researchers doing studies like this? Relative. What's the difference? This is worse than people who don't understand

that the digits 0 through 9 make up a total of 10 digits. There are 10 digits in our decimal system. And by the way, on March 15th, there have been two and a half months so far in the years. Yes, I understand it is the third month. We write three

for March, but learn to count. It's been two and a half months since the year started. Wow. When you turn one, you've been alive for one year. And for those of you who are, you know, whatever, math inclined, let me break it down like this. Okay, by the standard these guys were using, a person who rounds off the average distance from the Earth to the Sun to 150 million kilometers is more incorrect than the guy that would round down the circumference of the Earth to nine inches. Okay? All the pedants are checking your math on that right now.

Sure, we'll hear about it if you got it wrong. No, I'm good. I'm good. I hope you got it right. By a wide margin. I made sure. And in douche chill news, Belgian olfactory artist Peter Descoupeur opened an exhibition of his latest work in Antwerp last week, featuring an ice sculpture of the Virgin Mary made of

vaginal sweat and, most importantly, of course, the aromas that come with it. The piece, entitled The Deflowering, sits melting in the center of a steamy room and sniffers on are encouraged to enjoy the pungent ambiance laden with genuine labia sweat ions

in solid, liquid, and gaseous forms. Sounds like something from Xana Jaina After Dark, form of iconically sculpted pussy sweat. What? Does that? Really? What, just, we have a story?

So, this is absolutely fantastic. This might be the best story we've ever heard of in the history of our show. Also, as I'm reading this, can't help but wonder, how does the guy collect his raw materials? That's an artist. I mean, does he go into, like, women's locker rooms with a centrifuge?

Is he wringing out the crotch area of yoga pants after classes? That doesn't say very much, actually. Well, according to Date Group Air, those were good guesses I just made, but neither was correct. Quote, the smell of pussy is real vaginal scent conserved as odorous substance and realized by a professional lab in Germany. End quote. So they made synthetic pussy sweat? Give me the world's

best panty sniffers! Minions getting all excited to bring up a sample of vial. He sniffs it and he gets all Gordon Ramsay, throws it against the wall. That's porcupine vagina sweat, you idiots! And he may or may not have sent us a large digital clock with 30 seconds already set up on it. And he may or may not have sent us a large digital clock with 30 seconds already set up on it.

And there may or may not have been a note inside reading, quote, Dear Scathing Atheists, I'm not selling enough creepy Christian ice sculptures to justify this refrigerated warehouse full of enormous ice slabs of weird secretions. I've got to move this stock somehow. Could you help me brainstorm some repurposing concepts? P.S. Ideas for frozen vaginal excretion

consumer products. Go. End quote. I like this guy already. He's setting us right up. All right. So he's all about the smell. I'm thinking maybe

start with a line of perfumes. Maybe Coochie by Gucci. That would rhyme. It does rhyme. They would get into that. Coochie means vagina.

All right. So what if he sets up his own retail chain you know uh uh bled cath and beyond or maybe amniotic sax fifth avenue a little upscale afterbirth store are you buying or selling the after never mind it doesn't matter we're getting topic. We're trying to repurpose some vagina fluid here. Serious work. All right. Don't make us get off topic. So maybe he sells the slabs to a capade of some sort. Shaving the surface with the whispering ice capades.

Clamboni between periods. Oh, nice. Clean the surface. Maybe you should start a menstrual you can eat frozen vaginal-frozen-vaginal-treats restaurant. You could call it Dairy Queef, perhaps. Well, there's no question he has some edible stock there. Well, Papsicles, at the very least.

It's too easy. We can get more creative than that. Let's say he makes some Belgian Blue Waffle Sundae with Cherry Mary on top. Everybody on his way. Delicious. How about Vaginilla Wafers? Belgian blue waffle sundae with cherry Mary on top. Delicious. How about a vaginal wafers,

a greased yeast feast from the crease about the iced box wedding cake for Colorado lesbians made with blood, sweat, and tears. Well, with an IE, I gotcha. I gotcha. I gotcha.

I see what you did there. And, and, and for the atheist, they could add fetus pieces and make it an abort tort. Let that mung hit your tongue. Delicious. Oh, and by the way, it's been a while. Google mung. M-U-N-G. I was hoping you'd tell everybody to Google mung, which just happened. Alright, everybody have fun with that. We'll wait.

Alright, yeah, I'll give you All right. Everybody have fun with that. We'll wait. We'll wait. All right. Yeah. I'll give you a second. Use Google Images. Okay. Moving on. Save search off.

So what about a bar? What about if he opens a bar? Maybe call it Smells Like Spleen Spirits. Nice. Something outdoors. The Leaky Tiki. HPV Pavilion. Or the Nitro Gin Joint.

A little high class. Get number two for one during happy shower. Try our famous Puntangare and Tonic. There you go. He's got a bar anyway. Why not make it a booze cruise? How about the Koozoo's Booze Cruise? Floating wet bar.

Chilled shots from the Sploosh Loosh in Bruges. Oh, yes, yes. You remember all the way back. How about the Kuzu's Booze Cruise, Santor Rum and Coke? I got it. Against all odds, we've actually used that one, Santor Rum and Coke, in episode 64. It was for the Republican Drag Queen Bar Names segment of the show. Okay, all right.

Well, I'll add a twist of hymen and call it a virgin luba libre. Same basic concept, only with hymen. The Koozoo's Booze Cruise. Pabst beers and pap smears. Yeah, but you've got to go to the Brazilian bartender or you'll end up getting a bush. Stuff's disgusting. The Koozooers Moose Cruise. Schlitz from Schlitz with Schmitz.

The Yiddish speaking crowd loved that one. How about this? This actually is a good idea. Maybe you could just sell the vaginal sweat and vials and call it homeopathic prostitutes. The memory of the vagina you just put a little bit on your cock and you have a tiny little homeopathic prostitutes. The memory of the vagina you just put a little bit on your cock and you have a tiny little homeopathic organ.

Well done. Proving once again that marketing genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. You got it. Who knew where that perspiration was coming from? All right, so now people who are new to this show are going to think that bit was offensive until they have this week's top ten to compare it to. So on that tease, we'll close new to this show are going to think that bit was offensive until they have this week's top ten to compare it to.

So on that tease, we'll close out to the headlines. Don't say puppy rape analogy. I said puppy rape analogy. When we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to review a series of things that happened on my TV screen without ever quite rising to the level of moody. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes that we set aside to keep you up to speed on all the great atheist, secular, and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world. This is kind of a light month for atheist get-togethers in the U.S., so we're going to be hopping all over the world in this segment.

But, of course, the big one domestically is Skepticon. It's the nation's largest free skeptical convention. It's taking over Springfield, Missouri. That's the weekend of November 21st. They're bringing in Greta Christina, David Gorski, JT Eberhardt, Hemant Mehta, PZ Myers, and that's just scratching the surface. Should be a blast. And from there, we'll trek across the Atlantic for three conventions I'm not even going to bother fucking up the pronunciations of, but suffice to say that if you're in the Netherlands on November 8th, or if you're in Portugal or Hungary on November 15th, you're sharing a country with a skeptical convention if you want details on any of these check the show notes for episode 90 on scathingatheist.com

but the real action this month is down under the 30th annual australian skeptics national convention has taken place november 28th to the 30th in sydney they've got the whole skeptics guide crew along with friend of the show george from and an awful lot of people with Doctor in front of their names. Should be a lot of fun if the poisonous land sharks don't get you first. And then, of course, the New Zealand Skeptics Conference will be taking place the following weekend, because New Zealand is apparently, once again, copying off of Australia's homework. But that's cool. We're okay with that. And like the Australian convention, they've got the SGU, GeoHob, and a bunch of people I've never heard of. But I did want to throw a shout out to one of their speakers, Nicola Gadsden. I have no idea who she is, but on the website, she simply bills herself

as person who knows the real meaning of quantum. And based on nothing but that, I'd love to hear her presentation. And finally, in terms of this segment, but primarily in terms of chronology, we're only a few days away from Carl Sagan Day. That's November 9th. So if you'd like to celebrate the life and influence of my second favorite astrophysicist, that's the day to do it. There'll be a sprinkling of organized events going on around the country on both Saturday and Sunday, but if you can't make it to one of those, it's as good an excuse as ever to watch Cosmos or do something science-y or look up in the sky at night. That's all we've got for you this month, but remember, if you're involved in an atheist

event that could use a little free publicity, let me know. You'll find all the contact info along with more information about all the events we've discussed at skatingatheist.com. along with more information about all the events we've discussed at skatingatheist.com. The new film, Persecuted, from writer-director Daniel Lusko, combines vaguely defined Christian paranoia with holier-than-thou navel-gazing to produce a cinematic experience on par with listening to Glenn Beck bitch about his Mexican busboy. Joining us to discuss this ridiculous detour into the Christian oppression fetish is our good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back.

Oh, thanks for having me. Eli Bosnick, thanks for coming. Now, I feel like I should point this out right away to the listeners who may think that I just have a grudge against you or something, but actually reviewing this pile of shit was your idea, correct? It is. This was my doing. This is like, I feel like the girl in Secretary burning my thigh with a tea kettle. I saw the preview and I was like,

oh, this is going to be so much fun! So I think we should start where the movie starts, which is of course with a Martin Luther King quote. It is Martin Luther King who would have broken the non-violence vow he made to kill everyone involved with this movie,

and then screaming hateful protesters, just clawing at this little Asian girl holding a Bible. You have no idea what they're protesting, and that's a theme that carries out throughout the film. Yeah. No, you have no idea. I don't think anyone had any idea what was going on throughout this film. My theory, my working theory is this, is that they were like, not only will this be one of the most important religious films, but it'll be entirely improvised. That's what it sounds like. Like everyone got one sentence about their character. All right, you're a preacher cool and if you've worked in film and television you know that like we'll get to it

later moment that you have with someone it's four in the morning everyone's eating the chinese food and you're like you know what man we're just gonna get to it later okay i don't know when the dog comes back we'll deal with it later but in a professional movie set you'd actually do you deal with it later this is like they movie set you'd actually do you deal with it later this is like they did that and then everybody in that room died they all got in the car and then the next day was shooting so they were just like listen jesus take the wheel for the camera is the case now let's talk a little bit about the film's lead character played by James Remar. Right.

And the way we are introduced to him is his Dennis Leary. I don't know what that actual guy's name is, but it's Dennis Leary. Christian Dennis Leary comes up to him while he's doing his serial killer mantra. The first thing we see him do is sit in the mirror and go, pure, honest, clean. Pure, honest, clean. sit in the mirror and go, pure, honest, clean, pure, honest, clean. That's how you can pull someone's skin off in thin enough layers that you could tear it as a hat. If that scene had panned back and he was just peeling the stomach out of a guy, I'd be like, cool, I'm into this movie.

With the lotion in the basket. They have lit this movie correctly. Yes, exactly. And this is really important. We learn this later in the movie, but I don't want to spoil this because this is even more insane to me. He's a Catholic, right? Yes. He's not even a priest.

He's a preacher. They don't have those. They don't have priests. Who wrote this? Who wrote this? Because, listen, that's like I i wrote it's like someone held a gun to my head and was like you write a fucking movie on that makes religion look good because i'd be like i don't know a catholic preacher i don't know and yeah it's trying to stop a law what kind of

law is it it's too much it's really vague and we can just not give any details about it at all. All right. So you have faith that there's freedom in it. Yeah. So, yeah. Now let's get to that. So after John has his little serial killer moment, Senator Bad Guy comes to see him in the first of many smoke-filled rooms we find in this film. The threat escalates so quickly.

It's such a hockey stick for threat, because he's like, hey, man, we'd really appreciate your support. I can't do it. It's against my faith. And he walks out of the room, and he's like, kill that motherfucker. Right. Instead, they decide to frame him for the murder of this 14-year-old, 15-year-old girl or whatever that is extraordinarily okay with the idea of helping them

frame him for her murder anyway this is super weird you guys are into weird stuff you want me to just all right and then you want me to be like okay i'll send a text to my friend he's murdering me it's weird we're going to the nice Chili's, not the weird Chili's. We're going to the one where all the riches is cool. After this. Can I talk? I want to, there's other, just this, he picks up the phone, he calls the murder frame hotline. Because it is one number. He has murder frame on speed dial.

Yes. What's going on? Yeah, we can go ahead and murder frame this guy. Well, listen, he's not going to approve of this bill. We might have to do... No, there are no steps in between murder frame and ask nicely. No.

Zero steps. I've got murder frame and I've got ask nicely. And I've already asked nicely, so... Also, I want to point out, they don't just frame him for the murder. They frame him for the rape and murder. Now, we don't see the rape, but the news says it later, which means that that security guy, who's like the bad guy throughout the movie,

in order to get him discredited for not proving in this film, rapes and murders someone. Yeah, you've only got to imagine how this meeting went before, where he was like, great, so you know what to do. Yeah, so, I mean, we're framing him for murder.

And could you rape her? I'm sorry, what? Yeah, we want to make him look real bad, so if you could just go ahead and rape and murder someone. I have a question. Did we talk about any of the steps ahead and rape and murder someone. I have a question. Did we talk about any of the steps in between rape and murder in Ask Nicely?

For the last time, we have two options. This is it. This is why we called. I have a fucking flowchart here, and now John Luther is on the lam, and we know this because every single television in this entire fucking movie

is tuned to CNN's 24-hour live coverage of the preacher on the lam. He passes by nine or ten televisions in this film, and never is one of them watching Teletubbies. Nobody's watching Idol. It's never a commercial. No. SportsCenter. No. They're always finishing a sentence of the last person from nine hours ago. And it seems like Tom Luther is, nine hours later, escaped from the place.

What were they doing in those nine hours? Just like, fuck, I hope he walks by a TV station. We're going to have to line these up. It's going to be tough. Now, I hate the fact that I even have to bitch about the makeup in this movie. But, okay, so while they're murdering the girl, they have him scratch his face. And these scratches, apparently she was part fucking Komodo dragon

because first of all, the scratches are about two and a half feet deep. You can all but see his tongue through them. And the movie takes place over like a week long period and they never even start to heal. He's basically just dripping blood from his face through this entire movie. Oh, absolutely. The blood. Everyone

has the exact same wound at every point in this movie. Yes, exactly. This is very clearly someone being like, you know, my daughter can do the makeup. She's super into that theater shit. But we're only doing it once. Well, I only really know how to do this thing where it looks like you hurt your head.

Fine, do it on everybody. Do it on the priest who got shot in the side of the head. Do it on the guy when he gets run over. Do it on the security agent who gets shot in the chest. We don't give a fuck. Pump this movie out. We want the stupid people's money. And the motivations were so weird in this flick, too,

because are we supposed to believe that this dude wouldn't just lawyer up? He was Catholic. They fuck kids for a living and never go to jail over it. Why to believe that this dude wouldn't just lawyer up? He was Catholic. They fuck kids for a living and never go to jail over it. Why wouldn't he just call the, I just fucked a teenage girl to death disposal hotline? Yeah. It's the other number in that guy's phone. It's insane for a couple of,

first of all, they all interviewed the Congressman and they're like, will you be going for a lenient sentence? No. Cause I'm a fucking Congress. I'm not a prosecutor. You need to be talking to someone who would prosecute this case we live in bizarro land where i'm also the prosecutor the president and the king of the evil empire by the way also the other bad guy they kept inviting the murderer guy the murderer rapist guy they kept inviting him to all the meetings and stuff for no reason.

Just to look menacing in the shadowy corners of the room, leer at people. Which means that occasionally his boss just says to him, hey Dave, can you show up at this thing and loom? We need somebody to loom on a balcony. Loomier. Just hang out, you know, be menacing. If anyone makes eye contact with you for more than three seconds, come back later and murder them, okay? Yeah.

And rape them. Right. And then show up for a meeting right after that to look at somebody new, menacingly. A lot of times in this movie that, you know, like normal words were made to sound sinister for no reason. There's a scene where Christian Dennis Leary is trying to convince the board to go along with Senator Bad Guy's bill, and he says, there'll be benefits in it for all of us.

And one of the board members hisses, earmarks. You know, there's like almost an echo. Orc barrel. Right. Yes, Zachary. I feel like the first two takes, he said something insane, and we were like, Dave, your line is earmarks. I feel like the first two takes, he said something insane. And we were like, Dave, your line is earmarked.

I feel like the first two takes, he was like, baby blood. And then we're like, oh, Dave. Same inflection. We love that you're doing what you're doing, but the word is earmarks. Baby blood? No. Dave. Dave.

Perfect amount of evil. Wrong word. One more time. Earmark. Christian Dennis Leary goes, and he's like, gentlemen, we need to approve this bill because there'll be tax breaks in it. Hooray, everybody. This bill is written. Okay, so let's talk about this bill the bill is that under the guise of every religion being taught

in every religious place of worship simultaneously like everyone's gonna take turns but it's actually used to monitor for terrorists but also written into the bill is that all of the Christians who agree to it will get individual tax breaks. That's the bill. Yes. That's insane. I've had homeless men walk up to me with less insane propositions. Let me talk to you for a second, man. I wrote a bill, right?

And what it is is all the religions are going to take turns preaching in each other's place. It's insane. And there's that moment, again, the senator at one point is like, don't you see? There could be a nuke in a temple or a mosque. And I was like, when is there going to be a nuke in a temple? The only time anyone's ever going to order a nuke to a temple is when they misspell lox and bagels. Which is great. And this is another thing that we see throughout the course of the Christian mummies.

They're very, very careful to group in together Muslims and Jews. Like, they always group in together the Muslims and Jews. They're never just like, oh, well, we don't want the Muslims to blow something up. And they're never like, oh, well, we don't want the Muslims to blow something up. And they're never like, oh, the Jews are going to go to hell. They're like, well, we don't want the Muslims or the Jews or the Jews. And by the way, the Jews and the Muslims

and the Muslims are going to hell. Because they're like, can't say the Jews are going to hell. Sounds bad. Can't say the Muslims are terrorists. Sounds bad. We'll just say everybody does everything. So he's driving down the road, and evil looming murderer guy crashes into his car and then shoots him,

and then he does what any of us would do in that situation. He drives up some secluded mountain road until he runs out of gas, and then he runs into the woods. Luckily, of course, for us, the bad guy here is like half Comanche or something, because he can track him through the woods as though there were only one direction, which is a talent that's also shared by the FBI agents that, for some reason,

know this is happening and set out to save John. Again, none of this being explained in the film itself. Yeah, the FBI agents, they get maybe two minutes of screen time, and they are obviously just psychics. Because they walk up to Christian Dennis Lear and they're like, can we talk to you for a second? And he's like, I don't really feel like talking to you. I'm sorry, I've got to get to a meeting.

And they're like, you helped murder and rape someone. What? Excuse me, we're going to go drive up to a random point in the woods. Something's going down. It's not like he's going anywhere particular. Yep, no, we're just going to go there. Stop asking questions.

Time for this movie to wrap up. By the way, there's an insane moment where he and the other Secret Service guy are cornered John, and then the FBI shows up, and he's like, just hold up a second. I'm Secret Service. I'm going to show you my badge. And they're like, great, the FBI shows up. And he's like, just hold up a second. I'm Secret Service. I'm going to show you my badge. And they're like, great, show me your badge. Everyone has come to an understanding. They're going to see the badge, and he'll have

plenty of time to murder John in a second. But he's just like, shit, I forgot my badge. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Not to mention, John gets shot during the shootout, falls into an empty pool, and then he has a get up, you son of a bitch,

because Mickey loves you moment with the Catholic preacher. Like, he has a flashback to the preacher being like, we need someone to stand up when they get knocked down. And I really just wanted Burgess Meredith to be like, get up, you son of a bitch you gotta shoot that secret because he loves you so now i have a theory here and i want to get your thoughts on this

i think that the original movie the original script and everything in all seriousness the legislation was going to have something to do with gay rights and that you know eventually somewhere along the line somebody said guys you know like the key grip will never work again if we if we make this movie we've got to we've got to change it to any fucking thing else but you know they couldn't because the whole point of the movie was their support of pro-bigotry legislation and you can't exactly create pro-bigotry legislation that the audience could get behind, so they ended up with this vague and undefined Faith and Fairness Act.

There's also something to back up the idea that this was originally like, we should be able to talk shit about gays. If there was no hair, makeup, or lighting on this because all those people are gay, I wouldn't be surprised. If just one of you guys saw this, it's like, oh, or lighting on this because all those people are gay, I wouldn't be surprised. It's just like, oh, homosexual abominations?

Oh, no, you can put on your own makeup, honey. You know, in order for movies to get made, at some point, you have to talk to a not crazy person, right? You can't, it's not crazy all the way up the chain. It's not like Domino's Pizza, where it's just crazy after crazy after crazy until you get to the thing, and he's like, I'm the king of Jesus. The pizza Domino's Pizza where it's just crazy after crazy after crazy until you get to the thing and he's like,

I'm the king of Jesus! The pizza's hand tossed! At a certain point you gotta talk to a Jew or a sane person. And I know there was a legal meeting where someone like me was like, hey guys, love the movie, love the script, couple of notes, these aren't my notes,

these aren't my notes, I think what you're doing is wonderful. But the whole thing with the faggots, right, where you call it the faggots, you know, we're getting a lot of negative stuff in the test screening. So what if you just said, I'm just

throwing this out there, I'm not a writer, what if you said nothing at all? What do we think? It's a movie about nothing. So any, I hate to use the word thought to describe anything about this movie. Any closing thoughts on it before we wrap up? Oh, I want to just touch on two moments. Two moments that are really spiritually important to me.

The first is where Christian Dennis Leary is sitting in the hotel room talking to the fbi he's wearing a wire who knows why he's wearing a wire for whatever reason he's talking to someone he's getting and there's a moment where a fly comes into the shot yes definitely not on purpose no and the actor goes like oh get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. And he like bats at the fly for a second. And then he turns very clearly to the camera like, oh, okay, new take. And there's obviously someone behind that that's going, keep going. Keep going.

Really? Keep going. Oh, I mean, really? John is not here? To confess. I wrote this so many times. His behavior throughout this film is of someone who raped and murdered someone. That is how. If I woke up in a car with a dead body, the first thing I do is call the cops. I'm like, oh, thank God you're here.

Right? I don't wander off into the woods and go off the grid. No, they'll never believe me. Why? Because you're a white guy in your late 50s? Right. We all know how the cops come down on them. That was to me

probably the most bizarre thing about the movie is that they were trying for this whole Christian persecution concept and it was so unbelievable, even to the people who were making the fucking script. Yeah. You know, there was a moment where he says, you ask most people about Christian persecution,

they're going to tell you a no such thing. All right, I'm done talking now. Because he doesn't have an example. That's a terrible movie. If it was a movie where you go you ask people about African American persecution they'll tell you no such thing but slavery and then oh okay I get it but he was like Christian

persecution no such thing we don't have any examples of that the lions huh can we go with the lions we haven't played that one out yet alright but they won't let us say that butts touching butts go with the lot. No. They didn't do that here. We haven't played that one out yet. All right. But they won't let us say that butts touching

butts is weird. Anyway, Eli, thanks once again for shitting away an hour and 40 minutes of your life for us. Oh,

thank you for having me, guys. Awesome. Now, you realize, of course, we still got the, I believe we have

Kirk Cameron saving Christmas coming up very soon. With his Jewish friend. Yes. That one should be fun, but until then, please, by all means, watch a movie that doesn't suck. Okay. Okay. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.

This is the part of the show that is penultimate, unless you count the little outtake at the end, in which case it's anti-penultimate. Our first email comes from Giovanni, who sent us a pretty long email. I'll summarize. His son plays football in a non-religiously affiliated league. There's some back and forth with the coach earlier in the season about whether they should say a team prayer, and eventually the devoutly religious coach actually backed down

and scrapped the prayer at Gio's request. Kind of nice. Now, fast forward to the end of the year, and they're holding a big party for all the kids, but it's at the coach's church. Now, Gio's not worried so much about his son being brainwashed in the span of a pizza party, but his real issue is, quote, I have an ax to grind with Christianity,

and I don't hide my disdain for religious people very well. So if I were to attend this event, I'm sure there would be problems, even if I'm the one starting them. So am I taking this too personally? Right, yes. Okay, so I see how this would be tricky. Now, I don't have kids, but I do have a conspicuous disdain for religion, so I'm at least half qualified to answer this. And obviously, of course, Parenting 101 would say, yes, you're taking it too personally. It should be all about your kid

and you should go and you should take your lumps and bite your tongue until it bleeds. But I'm sympathetic to the possibility that that's not a possibility. I can see how this is annoying in general, but there's not much you can do about it, I guess. You know, if they were nice enough to remove the prayer, I think you'd give them a pass on the pizza party venue, even if it was chosen

for spite. Although that doesn't even seem to be the case here. I also have a quick correction to make from last week's show. Adam sent us a Facebook message to correct a compliment I made about a few of our donors last week. I said that there are erections forced Brits to rename their clock tower just Ben, but as Adam points out, Big Ben is the name of the

bell, not the tower or the clocks, which are called the Elizabeth Tower and the clocks on the Elizabeth Tower, respectively. So thanks for that correction. Though it is worth pointing out that technically I never said that the clock tower was named Big Ben. I just said that they renamed it Just Ben. So I could have been saying that they were renaming it Just Ben from the Elizabeth Tower,

for all you know. But as that is decidedly less complimentary to our donors and their erections, I will admit my mistake on this one and thank Adam for the correction. But your balls are like those bells. There you go. Exactly. Exactly. But just be happy you didn't reduce or cancel your donation, in which case Noah compares

your erections to Salvador Dali's clocks, which are far more flaccid. I wouldn't, but I could. And I choose not to. And finally tonight, we got an email from Keith who said he would be sorely disappointed if we teased him last week by mentioning a top ten about puppy rape analogies. And then we didn't come through with it this week. Well, Keith, as it happens, that was all the encouragement we needed. I cannot believe that was all the encouragement we needed.

Yes, you can. Now, I should put this into context for anybody who didn't hear last week's show and doesn't know why Keith wants us to make puppy rape analogies. But I'm not going to because if I don't, then we can kind of act like it was all Keith's idea and we were just responding to a listener who we appreciated. So, without further ado, here are our top ten puppy rape, I can't believe we're both doing this, puppy rape analogies go. Number ten, lauding the Pope for coming out in favor of the Big Bang and evolution is like pointing to all the puppies he didn't rape. Just as good. Number 10. Lauding the Pope for coming out in favor of the Big Bang and evolution is like pointing to all the puppies he didn't rape.

Just as good. Number 9. The Vatican's response to pedophile scandals is like a guy who normally rapes puppies having to reluctantly settle for consensual sex with an adult dog. He kind of gets into a snit about it, too. Number 8. Claiming your religious propaganda should stay in a school because it's been there a really long time is like saying you didn't rape the puppy because he never barked a no. Number seven. Defending Todd Akin is like saying it wasn't legitimate puppy rape because she didn't get pregnant.

Does that even make sense? Yes, no, it's exactly like that. Get the nail on the head of that puppy rape analogy. Number six. Changing the way your church talks about gays without changing its position is like looking for a gentler way to rape a puppy, and then not implementing it.

Two-layered analysis. Number five. Pointing out how few women speak out against burka laws is like a puppy rapist claiming, the little bitch asked for it rough. I asked her, rough. That's all she said. What are you supposed to do? Number four.

Arguing with a street preacher is like raping a puppy. He may not be enjoying it, but he still appreciates the attention. Okay, but that's the low bar. That's the worst that it gets. After that, this is all like high-class erudite puppy rape analogies from here on out. Yeah, that's true. You make a good point.

We do have those three empty check boxes. Erudite puppy rape analogies this week. So here we go. Number three. Telling women they're better off without the clit you just sliced off. It's kind of like saying, I'm keeping my dick in this puppy's ass so nobody can rape it. For safety. Check.

Well, that one was erudite. Okay. Good. Then this one is too. Somebody look up erudite. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it means. We got to check. Number two.

Listening to Carrie Underwood's music and complaining about the religious content is like scolding a puppy rapist for not wearing a condom. Number one. Thank God. Priest offering free daycare for kids is like feeding crotch peanut butter to a puppy. You already see where I'm going? How puppy rapey is it? to a puppy.

You already see where I'm going? How puppy rapey is it? Even if everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, there's still something wrong with it. Some level. See, fuck the trolley dilemma. You could pack the houses in an ethics debate if you tackled the moral implications

of having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls. That puts asses in seats. We're getting that done. I'm going to get in touch with Dillahunty to do the debate, not to lick up any peanut butter. And that is absolutely all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page

at scathingatheist.com. I can't believe we fucking did that. I kind of feel like we ended that segment about four and a half minutes too late. Before we file this under episodes hyphen complete this week, I wanted to apologize to anybody who was expecting the Daniel poem this week. I had to bump it to make enough room for all the Eli stuff, so it's his fault, but I'll still have

it out before we dig into the minor prophets on next week's Holy Babble segment. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, my interview on an American Atheist podcast is available now. You can find that linked on the show notes for this episode. I believe they're one of the longest-running Atheist podcasts in the multiverse, so definitely worth a listen if you haven't checked them out before.

I also want to throw a big thanks to Carl from Post-Rapture Looting Podcast for turning us on to the sculpted vaginal sweat story, and incidentally, for narrowly defeating Thomas from Atheistically Speaking to move me into playoff contention for the first time this season. And while we're at it, congrats to Bill and Susie from Barroom Atheists, or in this case, Susie and Bill from Barroom Atheists, for supplanting Heath at the number one spot for what Heath assures me will be a very short period of time. Obviously, I need to thank Eli for his masochistic willingness to keep watching these horrible Christian movies. Can't thank him enough for his contributions.

I also need to thank Heath, who, let's face it, also watched all these shitty movies and is probably the only person I know that wouldn't bat an eye when you say, all right, bro, I need five high-class puppy rape analogies from you this week. Of course, I need to thank Lucinda for everything that she adds to the show, as well as her willingness to respond to questions like, if you had to sell an excess of synthetic pussy sweat, what would you do with it with something other than divorce proceedings? Oh, and also big thanks to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. We got one from the man himself before, but never from his steed, so that was pretty cool.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most indispensable humans, Sean Manuel, Dennis with a Y, Howard, Chris, Joel, Corey, David, and Blue. Sean, Manuel, and Dennis with a Y, who are so resourceful that they could cut a Ginsu knife in half with a tin can. Howard, Chris, and Joel, whose dicks are measured in surface acreage. And Corey, David, and Blue, who make Dirk Diggler so self-conscious he wants to piss in the stall. Together, this Ennead of enviably endowed enmity enthusiasts have endorsed our entertainment this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the magnificent genitals required to give us money, but if you think you

have what it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist which will earn you some cool bonuses, including longer episodes, earlier releases, and moose stuff. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com Also worth noting that we're edging ever closer to our next Patreon goal,

at which time we will launch a second weekly podcast. So if you'd like to hurry that along, be sure to look for the Patreon link on our website. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. All right, so glad I turned the record on. Where did you go with that one with Shirley MacLainy? I went Chicken Chow Maney. Nice. Those are two of my favorites.

Citizen Caney, I actually went. As I'm singing Chicken Chow Mani, I'm thinking, I should have gone Citizen Kaney. Damn it! Why did I throw that too? What?