The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 92: Ask a Stupid Question Edition

Episode Date: November 20, 2014

On this week's episode we'll wonder what a non-transitional fossil would look like, we'll consider the irony of a tetanus anti-vaxer being silenced by lockjaw and Bryan Fischer will explain why them injuns had it comin'

Warning, when we say explicit language, we don't mean clearly stated so as to leave no room for confusion or doubt. We mean saying stuff like fuck. Today's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by... Sodom and Gomorrah's iodized escorts for every occasion. Add a little spice to your love life with a pillar on your pillow. Also available in kosher variety. Sodom and Gomorrah's, because you can't sexually assault, assault. And now, the skating atheist.

I am Satan. Prince of evil, father of darkness, and my nefarious intentions can only be realized once I've convinced you all that you did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey

men. It's Thursday. It's November 20th. And the phrase, I could care less, is meaningless. Fucking get it right. I'm no illusion. I'm Heath Enright. And from a town where hereditary and sexually transmitted aren't mutually exclusive,

Podunk Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll ponder what the hell a non-transitional fossil would be. We consider the irony of a tetanus anti-vaxxer being silenced by Lockjaw. And Brian Fisher will explain why them engines had it coming. But first, the diatribe. The Theist's Guide to the Truth this type, but I'm told they're out there. Far more common are the ones that want to convince you that you're wrong. They want to offer the positive case for theism, either because they're concerned about the fate of your soul, or because they think the world would just be better off if everybody except the glory of God. These are people that are in it for the same basic reason that most atheists engage theists. They think that they're right and that the world would be better off if fewer people were wrong. But the third, and I would argue most common, are the

ones that are just hoping to convince themselves that they're right, or barring that, that they're not complete idiots. They're not out to change your mind. They're just hoping to come away from the conversation confident that you're at least as dumb as they are. They don't want you to concede that God exists. They're just hoping that you'll admit that their religion isn't completely insane. You know, I mean, imagine a Christian and a Muslim engaging in a conversation about which religion is right. Okay, now imagine it again, except now this time there's no weapons and everybody survives. At the end of the conversation, odds are pretty good that neither person is going to convert to the other faith, but at least each one can walk away saying to themselves, well,

at least I'm no more full of shit than that guy. That's the same thing that they're hoping to get from us, and they don't. You know, even if we try to be polite and say, no, you're not insane at all, they can't help but notice that we make the case for atheism much in the way that a person would make a case for any other claim. You know, we use logic and reason, and we weigh all the claims against the same criterion. So when you say, there's no convincing evidence for Jesus, they can't just come back with, well, there's no convincing evidence for not Jesus either. Well, I'm sorry, but they can come back with that, and they do, but I'm willing to bet the majority of them at least walk away realizing that they were the dumb guy in this discourse. All the theistic worldviews require some level of special pleading, some suspension of logic,

some appeal to the unmeasurable, some invocation of the unknowable. They want to keep the conversation theoretical, vague, and esoteric. They want to use undefined terms like spiritual energy, communion with the divine, and God. And when we try to define these terms, they get all frustrated. You can't use the same kind of words to talk about God that you use to talk about a banana. You know, God discussions need their own special words that have soft enough edges to be redefined over and over again throughout the conversation. That's why so

many theological discussions turn into epistemological discussions. Think about that. That's basically the same as the explanation of why you're late to work, starting with the formation of the planet. We're trying to tackle the question, does God exist? And we land on the question of, how does thinking work? What counts as real? You know, in my experience, the signpost along the way to that diversion usually starts with a theist asking, what would it take for you to believe in God? What evidence could they present to win this argument? Now, that seems like a logical question, right? And in a sense it is, but it doesn't come about for logical reasons. It can't. What other conversation would start by defining the terms for what is and isn't considered real?

See, hidden in this question is one of two assumptions. Either they assume that you must have some different standard of evidence when it comes to God, or they assume that you should have a different standard of evidence when it comes to God. And because the question seems reasonable, it throws a lot of atheists. They try to create scenarios where God would be the most likely explanation, and invariably these scenarios get pretty crazy because, let's face it, I just lost my mind and I'm hallucinating is pretty much always going to be a more likely explanation than a magic Jew did it. So if you start talking about God, you know, writing messages in the stars or suspending the

laws of physics or something, you've inadvertently reinforced their misconception. You've created what they see as an unreasonable standard of evidence. Now, in your defense, of fucking course it's unreasonable you just asked me what it would take to convince me that an all-knowing all-powerful deity was directly involved in scrotum design what would it take for me to convince you that i was really napoleon and i ride on a magic broomstick but the only reason this question throws atheists is because the correct answer is just too fucking obvious i don't need to create a specific scenario where I would suddenly start believing in God. That's your job. I'm fine admitting that there isn't one. The correct answer here is multiple lines of testable evidence. That's the answer any time the question is, what would convince you something is real? The correct

answer is the same level of evidence it would take to convince me of any other fucking claim. There's no one piece of evidence that proves evolution, or gravity, or the existence of dark matter. It's a convergence of evidence from multiple fields of study. All the real stuff is on Exhibit 3W-26, and you guys are still looking for Exhibit A. Of course, this leads to all kinds of the special pleading about how God can't be tested, and you have to have faith, and that's all but a fucking concession.

Evolutionary biology doesn't need special pleading. Physicists don't need faith. But any standard of evidence is going to seem daunting when the thing you're trying to convince me of is wrong. So while I might shy away from using it in a debate, the most honest answer I can give to what would it take to convince you that God existed is God existing. They're talking about you, Jesus.

May I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin? Joining me for headlines tonight is 2016 Breakthrough Prize hopeful Heath Thenry. Heath, are you ready to push the boundaries of human knowledge and understanding? That sounds unchristian. So, yes, absolutely. And, by the way, if you didn't catch the Breakthrough Prize ceremony last week, think Nobel Prizes meets the Oscars back when the Oscars didn't suck. It was one of the coolest things I've seen on television in a long time.

Awesome, absolutely. And if nothing else, check out McFarlane's monologue. Very good stuff. He was hilarious. Also, enjoyed the part where he basically dared Rupert Murdoch to fire him again. We'll see how that works out for him. In our lead story tonight from the Cindy Lou Who Gives a Fuck file,

the largest school district in Maryland found a form of church-state separation that even the Christians could get gung-ho about, namely the kind that's illusory and bigoted. In a 7-to-1 decision, the Montgomery Board of Education decided to remove all religious holidays from the school's upcoming schedules so that they wouldn't have to recognize the equality of Muslims. I bet the one guy, though, the one that voted no, I bet he meant to vote yes because everybody didn't even understand what was going on. Yeah, screw the Muslims. We're keeping Christmas christmas i vote no gavel down wait wait what we're faking the shit yes yeah i told you guys i did not get the plan i don't understand what's that you knew i was gonna fuck you had to write i mean in his defense though the surreptitious nature what they were doing made the resolution a little tricky to understand so here's what's

happening the students still get time off around easter but it's just now that they're calling that mid-first Sunday after the first full moon of the vernal equinox break, it's a totally different thing. It's a totally different thing. So the proposition then is to just pretend that all these random days off only coincide with all the major Christian and Jewish holidays by chance. Random, sure. Yes, exactly.

But isn't this whole thing solvable, though? I mean, granted, most American school children are still Amish farmers most of the time. Granted, sure. Yes, exactly. But isn't this whole thing solvable, though? I mean, granted, most American school children are still Amish farmers most of the time. Granted, yeah. But I'm thinking we can have the occasional summer class that's not just for the stupid kids, maybe a little bit. I mean, Chinese kids learn stuff in July somehow. I don't know. They figured out the chopsticks things, too. They're smarter than us.

Now, as I was reading this story, I kept reflecting on the wise words of great American cultural philosopher Chris Rock when discussing Arizona's stubborn refusal to recognize Martin Luther King Day as a state holiday, paraphrased for the equation. Equation? Occasion. How much of a zealot do you have to be to refuse a day off of work just to be an asshole?

You could take the day off on a Muslim onus, or you could just be a dick, and you chose being a dick. Well, apparently you just have to be a moderate asshole zealot, represented by about seven or perhaps eight eighths of the school board in this particular being a dick. Well, apparently you just have to be a moderate asshole zealot. Right. Represented by about seven or perhaps eight eighths of the school board in this particular case. Right. Now, unfortunately for these moderate zealots, they couldn't just come out and say it was because fuck them Jesus haters. So they hid behind secularism.

And that's kind of why this pisses me off. The argument they offer is that the school isn't closed on Yom Kippur because it's Yom Kippur. It's closed because if not, there'd be high absenteeism because of Yom Kippur. Well, that's reasonable though shouldn't that be the system just like Yeah well if enough people break the rules we change the rules kind of I mean but if that's what they were actually doing I probably wouldn't be pissed off at all about it but as recently as right

now the school is scheduled to close for Christmas that's what it says Christmas Yom Kippur all of that shit so all the high minded secularism just happens to show up for the first time when it gave them the ability to fuck Muslims. I mean, it could be a coincidence. I'm just guessing it is.

Convenient coincidence. And in this has nothing to do with Obama news tonight. Catholic bishops in Kenya are advising women to refuse the tetanus immunizations being provided by UNICEF and the World Health Organization, alleging the vaccines secretly contain ovary-killing hormones, which, of course, is all part of an elaborate conspiracy to control the population size in places where people are dying of tetanus a lot. Right. Yeah, seems logical.

And apparently they have proof, by the way. The Catholic bishops decided to do some science of their own, and surprise, surprise, they fucked it up. Now, what they claim is that they found trace amounts of some hormone that, if administered in large doses in a certain way, could sterilize people that, granted, shouldn't be in a tetanus shot. And because the Hulwini Kenyan government can't just come out and say

they're Catholic bishops, these people talk to men in the fucking clouds. They have to act all serious and pretend like they're really concerned and then basically politely say, I'm sure they mean well and all but do they even science? The church may have also found syringes with hidden markings in a circle-circle-dot-dot pattern,

which often indicates the cootie shot might be involved. Yeah, that could be. That's the bad kind, not the immunity version. Right, right. Give yourself to stop that. You're a girl. And as I understand it, the syringes also had vertical lines on them, depending on the orientation of the syringe.

And as we learned last week, those are often used by energy drinks to indicate satanic affiliation as well. Something to this. So in response to all this stuff, the WHO and UNICEF released an official statement explaining as nicely as possible that perpetuating a misguided anti-vax conspiracy that kills people. Quote, the vaccines are safe in bold.

The safety is assured through a three-pronged global testing system, and the vaccine has reached more than 130 million women in 52 countries, end quote. Which is code for, if we wanted to kill a bunch of Kenyans, we'd stop giving them free medicine. Right. Like tetanus shots. Yes, exactly. Well, three-pronged global testing. I bet the Catholics didn't have that.

Exactly. Three-pronged global testing. I bet the Catholics didn't have that. I mean, you know, and look, I'm going to tiptoe around this because there is some horrible sterilization shit that's happened in the past and everything. But we're talking about a country full of brown people. If the governments in the West wanted to kill you, we would just kill you. We would have already had it. I'm not proud of it, but it is a fact.

We don't need reasons for it or anything. We have remote-controlled flying explodobots. We can just go kill anybody. Occam's razor. This year's Furby have remote-controlled flying explodobots. We can just go kill anybody. So, you know, Occam's razor. This year's Furby. Remote-controlled flying explodobots. Okay, but just to be fair, let's consider this from the Catholic perspective. Is that from behind an altar boy? Or in front of him and above while he's kneeling?

All right, well, so the Catholic perspective. So far, everything that would happen if this were a conspiracy has happened. For example, in very suspicious fashion, the government of Kenya denied any involvement in a secret mass sterilization campaign against its own people, which is exactly what they would say. Right, right. Guilty people always deny shilling. And that's why many found it quite convenient when the WHO and UNICEF also denied allegations of carrying out an enormous genocidal conspiracy handed down by the United Nations lizard alien guy who shot Kennedy guy. The lack of evidence is proof all by itself. Why else would they be going to that much trouble to hide something that doesn't exist? And in shilling for Jesus News tonight, retired MLB pitcher and bankrupted former business owner Kurt Schilling has landed a new gig as a creationist philosopher on Twitter.

After allegedly committing loan fraud to delay the imminent failure of his video game company, which left the state of Rhode Island on the hook for about $90 million, Schilling has decided to pursue a career in academia. And he's looking to get his foot in the door by exposing the fossil conspiracy. It's about damn time. I am sick and tired of this conversation being dominated and monopolized by people who know shit. Okay, well, hold on a second. Schilling is no stranger to books and whatnot. Schilling earned his credentials in business management and evolutionary biology while studying neither and not graduating from Yavapai Community College of Arizona

with a partially completed degree in spherical propulsion. And yes, I'm talking about the Yavapai Community College, home of the country's top gunsmithing school. That's right. But no, Schilling wasn't part of that prestigious section of the college, just the regular other part. I didn't know DeVry had a safety school. And as impressive as his academic credentials are,

he somehow failed to foresee the outcome of sending out a tweet about evolution that read, quote, Too bad it's been disproved a thousand times. Every experiment to prove it's failed, end quote. And then he links, I guess, to a meta-analysis that was published in the journal All the Experiments Ever. At which point he launched into a tirade about how fossils and evolution are bullshit.

Basically it went like this. Schilling, if evolution was real, there would be transitional fossils. Educated world, there are transitional fossils. All of them are. Transitional fossils, yes. Schilling, then why aren't there transitional fossils? World, here's an enormous list of transitional fossils. Schilling, show me one

transitional fossil. World, here's a. Show me one transitional fossil world. Here's a list of exactly one transitional fossil. Then why don't apes sometimes wake up the next day as people? Checkmate. Educated world. Basically yes, the whole thing's a conspiracy. You got us with the apes waking up the next day like Kafka and the fly.

Maybe you won this pound, Schilling. Beginner's luck. I don't know. I think he probably cheated. He probably had some kind of foreign substance on his argument to make it more convincing. He might have hidden it on his sock or something. Bunch of ketchup. Fuck the Red Sox, by the way. We don't say that enough on the show, but seriously, fuck the Red Sox.

Nothing ever happened in 2004 involving Major League Baseball. They weren't even a season that year. Not even a little bit. And in help, help, I'm being accommodated news tonight. Craig and Lori Nordell of Carlsbad, California, are threatening to sue their grandson's school for its stubborn refusal to oppress them, as well as its refusal to publicly apologize for not oppressing them. And this story starts where all productive discussions

between legal guardians and school administrators start. The local media. Perfect, yeah. The couple complained to the press that their grandson was not being allowed to read his bible during free reading time to which the school responded with the functional equivalent of bullshit you fucking liars right so from the account it sounds like the kid was you know just minding his own business helping an old lady across the street rocking stormtrooper gunfire with his bible to protect her when suddenly several atheist administrators stole the bible tied him to a wooden Cartesian axes model

for the rest of the day, and then the fancy public school publicist started spinning the story. Or somebody's full of shit. It's getting muddled. Yeah, well, now the school offers the following far more plausible alternative. The superintendent of the school in question offered a statement claiming that the grandparents had asked

the boy's teacher to use the Bible as, quote, a main teaching tool, end quote. So, no, absolutely not. And when the public school teacher, yes, exactly, refused to give primacy to their preferred collection of genocidal fairy tales, the grandparents turned to this Christian non-profit law firm, the National Center for Law and Policy, who then, in turn, turned to the press. Rather than just ask the school if maybe they had already made it clear that the kid was obviously allowed to bring a Bible to school and read it during free time.

Yes, they did. And doing it the whole time. Right. Also, I'm really not trying to be an asshole about this, but this is a special needs child in this particular case. The Bible is barely readable for theology scholars. Exactly. What the fuck is a nine-year-old retarded kid going to do with a Bible that they can't

do the crayon or a string or a woodblock? I'm sorry. Learn genocide? Yeah. A nine-year-old kid, no matter what, is a really smart nine-year-old kid. I don't give a fuck. Now, obviously, this is a case of he said, she said. And without the details of the actual conversations that took place, we can't, you know, anything we say would be pure speculation.

But when he said is Christian zealot grandparents are pissy because smart people told them the Bible isn't a textbook, and what she said is, you know, the school isn't legal with the devil in hopes to poison the souls of Christian children by violating all legal convention and historical precedent by banning Bibles. I'm going to lean towards the former, especially when, by the Nordle's own admission, the kid takes his Bible

to school every fucking day and nobody at the school has ever suggested that he couldn't or shouldn't. And in less filicide tastes great news tonight. Temple Emanuel of New York City hosted a mock trial of that biblical Abraham guy to determine if he was guilty of attempted murder that time he attempted to murder his child.

Representing the defendant was high-profile defense lawyer Alan Dershowitz and representing the prosecution was hooker scandal tainted former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer. And name, bro. And keeping with the spirit of making everything fair and balanced, the jury consisted of about a thousand Jewish people. Now here's the media double standard, though, that we were talking about last week.

Because if these Jews did the exact same thing, except for they were putting Mohammed on trial for fucking that nine-year-old girl, the Ben Affleck's of the world would lose their shit. So anyway, is Abe going to serve any time for the knifing? Well, not surprisingly, the audience jury was made up almost entirely of temple congregants, like I said, most of whom certainly didn't pay $36 a ticket to watch some uppity liberal gino impose legal restrictions on a father who wants to murder his child because of the voices in his head. because of the voices in his head. And as usual, with faithful adherence of anything,

they ignored the presented arguments entirely and quitted the dad who tried to stab his son with a knife. Yeah, well, they've all done worse to their sons, I guess. Abe had some priors, actually. And he got off somehow, despite Spitzer citing a legal treatise written by Dershowitz that says, quote, a contemporary Abraham would be convicted of attempted murder, end quote. So what the hell happened there? I guess this just adds Abraham to the long list of completely innocent people like OJ

Simpson who have been acquitted with the help of Alan Dershowitz. Yes, exactly. Being acquitted by Dershowitz is the same as guilty, basically. And in Don, we now are gay apparel news tonight. Anthony Morris, part three, a member of the ruling Council for Jehovah's Witnesses, spent a recent sermon cautioning his congregants against the evils of men wearing tight pants. Morris reminded the Assembly that clothing designers

are a subset of gays, and thus it stands to reason that current fashion trends represent a covert attempt by the sodomites to check out your package. How are we going to walk this entire community door-to-door in our short-sleeved collared shirts with a tie without pleats? Right.

We're going to look like idiots. Exactly. We're going to be chafing all over the place. J-dubs looking like idiots. Got no room. Anyway. Bringing doorbells. Proving that even a room full of Jehovah's Witnesses can't take this asshole seriously.

Part of the transcript of his sermon included these words, quote, Oh, yeah, you chuckle. But I don't think it's funny. I think it's disgusting, end quote. Accidentally proving what I hope is the last piece of evidence that we ever need, that the once proud and powerful occupation of clergymen has now completely devolved into paid

old bitchy guy in front of you at the convenience store. Assless chaps used to be looser, didn't they? I wonder if the gays had something to do with it. Do these seem tighter than they used to be? And, of course, the only thing that can adequately follow the mental image of elderly Jehovah's Witnesses and assless chaps is my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was.

If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. I come to you this week with a heavy heart. I don't like leading with bad news, but this time it's unavoidable. So I hope you're sitting down when I tell you that civilization is

doomed and we will all soon revert to our Paleolithic ways of eating rancid mouse meat and dying of lice. And what villain has condemned us to this barbaric fate? Vaginas. That's who. This is according to men's right advocate and professional asshole, Paul Elam. He dropped these pearls of wisdom on the probably unintentionally yearned pun named mainstream media. After explaining that men have done all the infrastructure building, disease curing, and landing on moons in human history, he then adds a layer of stupid by suggesting that somehow a key part

of humankind's greatest accomplishments is the freedom of the men working on those accomplishments to whack people in the head with their dicks and call their co-workers faggots. But thanks to women and their vaginas, people have to be nice to each other now, which, of course, culminates in our society's inevitable decline. And if you don't believe him, consider this. Women largely entered the workforce around the middle of the 19th century. If Elam's wrong, why haven't we cured any diseases, built any infrastructure, or landed on any moons since the 1850s? And while you ponder this one, we'll move on to another patriarch prick waver, California pastor Paul Chappell, the founder and president of West Coast Baptist College,

which is where the DeVy students do their postgraduate work, I guess. Anyway, during a sermon he recently posted online where he wondered where all the purity has gone. He asked, quote, Whatever happened to the days when girls said, I'm not going to be touched by every guy? posted online where he wondered where all the purity has gone. He asked, quote, whatever happened to the days when girls said, I'm not gonna be touched by every guy. I'm not gonna walk down the aisle like a filthy dish rag on my wedding day, end quote. Well, I'm sure he thinks that it's rhetorical, but I'm gonna answer it anyway. So Pastor Blue Balls, you want to know whatever happened to the good old days when women wouldn't even think of fucking outside of marriage and worried that people would think they were unclean if they exhibited a healthy interest in sex?

Well, as it turns out, we still have those days, and we call them Saudi Arabia. I'll spring for the one-way ticket for you. Of course, being filthy and impure isn't the only characteristic that women share with dirty dishrags. We also belong in the kitchen. That's according to the Robin to Ray Comfort's Batman, Kurt Cameron, who was out promoting the series of pictures and sounds he's calling a movie last week when he reminded moms all over the country what their real role in society is. Baking cookies.

Cameron urged moms to protect their families from pagans and Muslims this Christmas season by doing mom stuff like cooking and decorating. Not working two jobs to keep the Christmas lights blinking and put an Xbox under the tree, mind you. That's man stuff, which he addressed in a separate video, by the way. Women can only save their children from the godless by, quote, letting their children see your joy in the way you decorate your home this Christmas. The food that you cook, the songs that you sing. End quote. Because if anybody knows what it's like to be a mom, it's that motherfucker.

And not to throw stones here or anything, but I want to point out that I very intentionally didn't talk about the Comet Guy shirt. Say what you will about it, but one of the main themes of this segment up until now has been faulty men who tell women what they can and cannot wear. So I can't really endorse swinging that pendulum the other way. And quick before anybody fires off an angry email to disagree with me here, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath with the hopes that they'll say something way more contentious than I did.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in deep pocket full of kryptonite news tonight, alternative medicine guru Deepak Chopra recently did an interview on HuffPost Live, during which he criticized Richard Dawkins for being too obsessed with reality. While arguing against nobody for the existence of the nervous system, Chopra had this to say about Dawkins. Quote, he's a fundamentalist. His version of realities is what we call empirical realities. That if you can see it, it's real. If you can't see it, it's not real. But we know you can't see your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and they're real.

End quote. Yes, you absolutely can see those things. He only believes in what can be seen and does not believe in gravity, infrared light, and white testicles. Is he actually trying to say that Dawkins doesn't believe in thoughts? Is that his argument might as well be dancing alongside a tin man and a cowardly lion. The Chopra impression was spot on, by the way. Thank you. But seriously, fundamentally, he's calling Dawkins a fundamentalist.

He's criticizing him for being dogmatically, undogmatic, faithfully flexible. That's ridiculous. And that's the crux of the whole misunderstanding by Chopra. It's flexibility. The empirical realist position on anything is a flexible tentative position if chopra made a whole bunch of tumors vanish with quantum entangled holistic haiku poems and published it published it i don't know we'd be all about it even if nobody could explain how it worked that'd be great but if they don't outperform the placebo effect, then this guy's making millions selling free hope.

Yes, exactly. Absurd. Just here, Deepak, make a thing happen. A thing. That's all we're asking. Just pick a thing and make it happen using your intuitive quantum unconscious illumination energies, quantums. Look, so far, Dawkinsight has all of human accomplishment. Your side has a computer

in Princeton spitting out random numbers for a decade and a half and a dude measuring the psychic intuition of dogs. Go learn to think and then come back. We'll be here.

Also, just to be clear, we're quite interested to see where science goes as it continues to study the connection between the mind and the body. It just seems that Deepak Chopra is doing that

extremely unsuccessfully right now. Now, wait, though, but you can't not not undisprove his theory, and until you can, it's the same as science, or he'll give you a million dollars. Of course it is. The thing is, nobody's suggesting that all currently unmeasured things don't exist. Right. That's ridiculous. All we're saying is, I'm not paying you to pull an invisible suppository out of your

ass and then shove it in my ass, unless we already know it definitely does something. I'm not going to pay you to do it anyway. I'll let you try. And in FFRUF and kid me news tonight, the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled against the FFRF in an effort to maintain the dubious legality of the parsonage exemption. And that's the tax credit that says ministers don't have to pay taxes on their housing and utilities because they're religious leaders. And when the FFRF pointed out that this was unconstitutional, obviously in a violation of church-state separation, the court said, how so? But before the FFRF could answer, they added, no, I'm just fucking with you, of course it is.

But nobody likes you guys, so we're keeping the exemption. That's basically exactly what they said. They used the, what I call, the fuck you make somebody else do a defense, arguing that this really isn't about constitutionality. This is about standing. You see, taxpayers can't litigate the tax exemptions of other taxpayers, or in this instance, non-taxpayers, because they're not directly harmed by the exemption. Indirectly, sure, but not directly.

Well, yes, exactly. It takes different money away from the conference. Yeah,ly, sure, but not directly. It takes different money away from the coffers. Less fungible money. So the Parson Exemption is illegal, they're saying, basically, but who are the courts to decide on matters of what is and isn't legal? I mean, you know.

When asked if that would mean that the courts couldn't intervene if Congress passed a tax break, say, for being Christian, the justices replied, shh, don't get many ideas, don't do that. Don't do that. Fire country based on it. And in reservationist history news tonight, Brian Fisher noticed there weren't any prominent Christians

in charge of justifying the Native American genocide, so he decided to step in and fill that niche. The guy wears a lot of hats. He does, he does. So given the choice of many applicable genocide passages in the Bible, Fisher settled on Deuteronomy. He went with the part that says you're supposed to pillage and rape the colored people in faraway cities, but if colored people try to live in Israel, then you're supposed to make those people extinct entirely.

Right. Also, Israel is ancient Hebrew for colonial America in this case. That's important. It implies entirely. It's a manifest destiny from the Bible. Wouldn't it be nice if trying to justify possibly the largest genocide in human history with your holy book at least required

like a creative interpretation rather than just whittling it down to the most applicable pro-genocide passage? Must have taken a while to decide. Really? Yeah, honestly. And from the Mephistopheles you could do file tonight I wanted to offer a quick follow-up on a story that we've been covering for a while, most recently in episode 84

when we talked about the Satanic Children's Big Book of Activities that was about to be distributed in Florida schools thanks to a misguided effort to hand out Bibles. Well, with a pat on the back to the New York-based Satanic Temple, it appears that may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Satanists always pull it off. I know it. The Buddhists, Muslims,

Raelians, Atheists, all of them tried handing out their literature, but in the end it took the threat of an entirely harmless little coloring book that might as well have been an excerpt from highlights for children with the word Satan crammed in here and there. That did the trick. So, you know, hail Satan. And Paul is dead. Paul is not a hoax. So ultimately, though, I think this makes sense. Decisions like this need to be all about the safety of the children.

And if kids start drawing, you know, like the wrong prophet in a Muslim coloring book, they might need to be murdered. So let's keep it all safe. Maybe post a Marine outside of the schools. According to the Orlando Sentinel, the board moved Thursday to curb the open distribution policy, finally, that led to this whole mess, which means that after more than a year and a half and a couple of lawsuits, the school is finally kicking out the Bible thumpers.

Hooray! The school board chairman, Bill Sublett, explained that, quote, this really had frankly gotten out of hand, do you think? I think we've seen a group or groups take advantage of the open forum we've had, end quote. Because it's open. Well, right, it basically translates to, I like this open forum better when there was just one person that was allowed to speak. A lot simpler times.

The open part, the forum was good, the open part, soft. And finally tonight, in church and prostate news, the notoriously topless women's rights group Femin recently staged demonstration at St. Peter's Square in Vatican City in protest of the Pope's scheduled visit with the European Parliament. And also the centuries of misogyny. Yeah, that pissed them off too. Also part of their platform. Exactly. of the Pope's scheduled visit with the European Parliament, and also the centuries of misogyny, which is also part of their platform. Realizing the topless woman thing, though, that doesn't really work with priests so well, so they decided to add an anal sex portion to their program,

simulating the sex act on themselves with four-headed crucifix dildos. Awesome. And it worked. Lots of attention. Turns out that's the sort of thing that catches the eye of Vatican residents and tourists alike. So everybody got into it. Topless public anal autoerotica is one of those cross-cultural attention getters. But now, as a man of science, I'd like to see more evidence. About another minute, minute and a half, I should do the trick. Then I can just replay it if I need to.

So, as you might imagine, there was much debate among onlookers as to which way would be considered the Christian angle, and which should be the satanic angle when it comes to anal crucifix masturbation. Obvious question. Who's to say? How do you orient the camera? It's like the M on the monster thing. But regardless, the message of the protest was clear, and that message was, keep it inside. side. This was the slogan painted on their backs and seems to suggest that religious people should stop pulling shit out of their

asses and maybe just leave it up in there or maybe shit your home or your church. But if you do have an accident in public, these women are very happy to put it right back up in there. They can even plug it. They've got the tools. Religion. The shitting yourself of public discourse. That is a t-shirt right there. We should

sell that shit. So obviously we're all looking forward to the next protest. Clearly. Personally, I'm hoping they open a sex toy store in Vatican City next to all the stupid, like, boat-on-a-rope souvenir shops down there. We can help with that. Which means they're going to need some offensive names and slogans for their weird shit. And they probably don't spend several hours every week engaged in sacrilegious wordplay.

So that's where we come in. Awesome. We're going to need about 30 seconds on the clock. Thank you. Ideas for the Christian-th we come in. Awesome. All right. We're going to need about 30 seconds on the clock. Thank you. Ideas for the Christian-themed sex shop. Go. All right. Well, I know I always get my crusado masochism gear at Dildoma the Rock.

Take it, please. They serve all the three Abrahamic faiths there. About strap that mess across from the rear entrance. Nice. Entrance in the rear. Yes. How about under the habit rabbit habits? You know, they have to serve all of the nuns in Vatican City.

There's a little rubbery-buggery for every shrubbery in the nunnery right there. And, by the way, in case you were wondering what to get Grandma for Christmas, Google rabbit habit. Just rabbit habit. Just spell how you think of it. What about Hershey Highway to Heaven? Pounding the pavement. McAdam and Eve's Gaping Asphalt. Nice.

And for the older crowd, of course, they need to pick up some Holy Cialis, but be sure to consult an apologist if your resurrection lasts more than two millennia. Could be a problem. What about Keister Bunny's Rabbit Hole? Chalice in Plunderland. Nice. Keister Bunny makes a second appearance. Maybe Sibion and Levi? The House of Circumcised Tribe Raiders?

What about Secondhand Coming? The Salvanation Army Dildo Store? This gland was your gland, and now it's my gland. Was once inside you, and now my nightstand. This gland was made for sodomy. See, mine is going to suck, because all I've got is Shlong of Solomon Biblical Erotica Shop. I mean, I don't have a theme song or anything.

You're overachieving on the ass play jokes, man. What about Requiem for a Cream? Asses to asses, thrust to thrust. Much funnier if you've seen the unrated version of that movie. Check those deleted scenes. And for the orthodox orgy cocks, might I suggest a seven-way Jewish fleshlight, also known as a flesh menorah? Got to get really close together, though. Crazy lights.

How about Garden of Eden dildo store? Veggies for your tail. 24-karat gold members. If anybody wants to make some veggie tail fan porn, by the way, I would totally watch that. There is a market. How about Martin Luber's Sex for Every Sect? Spreading arcing ropes of schisms since 1517. Holy splits and holy shits.

Yeah, exactly. Chardon Martin's 95 feces. What about the clergy spot? Spare the child, soil the rot. These are high-class shit jokes. That's awesome. All right, all right. I guess on those lovely mental images, we'll close for the night.

Heath, thanks. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Neither of us has made a rosary anal beads joke. Right? No, I know. That's the obvious one. I was trying to. I couldn't figure out how to fit one in, though.

It was three at a time. That's ambitious. All right, so Heath, thanks as always but cyanide bitches and when we come back the musical kind of fade out and we'll start talking again there's this strange feeling of overkill that looms over what we do as atheists we read apologetics and counter-apologetics, we watch debates and read rebuttals and learn theological minutiae, and then we go out in the world and people ask us how all them BC folks knew what year it was if there wasn't a Jesus.

And I'm sure eventually all this study will pay off, but more often than not, it feels like you're just using a lightsaber to open an envelope. Case in point, Georgia Southern University's chapter of the Secular Student Alliance recently invited Heath and me to an Ask an Atheist get-together on campus. Now, we had a great time and really thank them for the invite, of course. And I've got to say, they actually had a really good turnout. Yeah, somehow they managed to wrangle up some Christians on the campus of Georgia Southern. Yeah, right. Who would have thunk it? I have to admit, to the credit of the Christians that showed up,

many of the questions and the discussions that they led to were very lucid, very productive. And some of them were not, which leads us to the theme of this segment. So the general guidelines of the event were reasonable enough. A, let other people talk sometimes, and B, don't be condescending. But that meant we had to pretty much abandon our wheelhouse. We weren't really able to answer all the questions in complete scathing detail as we like to. Exactly. So we thought we'd set aside a few minutes tonight to fully answer some of the actual questions that were actually asked by actual college students at the Ask an Atheist event we attended last Wednesday. We cannot stress this enough.

These are real questions. Yes. This all happened in real reality. Right. College campus. Number one, do y'all believe in the devil? So she actually started with, do y'all believe in evil? Right.

And we all pause for a second and look around. Does she mean the word evil? Do we dispute the existence of the word you just uttered? Do we believe in a theoretical spectrum of good baddiness with two ends? Yes, of course we do. It took a few seconds. We finally sorted out the question and realized that evil and Satan

are synonyms in her mind, and we all answered with an emphatic, no, we don't believe in Satan. We do not worship the horned one. We do not sacrifice babies. Yeah, exactly. She was really surprised. In fact, at the end of the whole thing, the president of the club asked everybody

did everybody feel like it was a productive meeting? Was everybody glad that they came? And she was the first one chiming in. She's like, I was real stoked to learn that y'all weren't Satanists. But you believe in the devil. You're the one who's relieved that we don't believe in the thing that you believe in that's crazy and evil? Don't get me wrong.

I'd be relieved if you didn't believe in it, so I get that. Okay. Maybe. Number two. You have to read the Bible through the eyes of faith. Hold on. Let me finish. Because if you don't have faith, you won't understand it.

Let me finish. Because without faith, you can't comprehend God's meaning. Hold on. Let me finish. You know? Now, the actual answer that I offered was, okay, so all the human authors are able to write books that you can understand with or without faith, so somehow your omnipotent God is inferior to all human writers in this respect,

and apparently, he wasn't finished. Right, so we have to already agree that you're right before we check, and then when we check, you're right? It's like selling Schrodinger's cat at the pet store. You can't do that. And if I'm right, then I'm right. It was somehow a concept in his mind that demanded nine minutes of expostulation. And by the way, thousand to one odds,

if somebody ever says let me finish 11 times while they're saying something just to keep repeating themselves, they are absolutely going to interrupt you eight words into your response. Guaranteed. You can bet on that shit. Number three. How certain are you that the atheist worldview is correct, and how can you justify that level of certainty?

Congratulations, you are the 10,000th visitor. No, wait. Just what I said up to the question mark. So, obviously that one's not verbatim exactly, but you get the point. Pretty close. Basically, she says, I've got a question, and then she reads something off of her phone with no inflection or understanding of what she's even saying. And there was absolutely nothing to suggest from what she said that she would understand the response when you gave it to her, but we did try anyway, and she didn't. To no one's surprise, yeah.

We tried to explain that atheism isn't a worldview, but I think we lost her at isn't. Or atheism. It was definitely before awe. She definitely lost by awe. Ridiculous. Naming one of the many things I don't believe in, that's not a worldview. When somebody says wild, unsubstantiated claim X,

and I say, nope, that's not a worldview. That's nothing. There's not even a word. We've not even bothered to make a word for that. Number four. We've already seen, with all the genocides and stuff, what happens when Hitler tried to take away people's religions and... Which was as God witnessed the crowd was going to let her fucking go. Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, whoa!

Heath actually goes, I think we might have to close down this threat. To which, like, me and two other people laughed. But it was funny, though. It was funny. Why is it always Hitler, though? Right? There are also real atheists that were evil. Also irrelevant, but why always with the Nazis?

Plus, it gives National Socialism a bad name. At least it's an ethos. And, I mean, unfortunately, the conversation went so completely off the rails the minute the Nazis came up that we never actually got a chance to point out that among the people that Hitler was busy genociding were atheists. So, you know, Hitler also wasn't Jewish, as it turns out. Also, most of Germany was Christian. So you don't really have an excuse at all.

Even if Hitler was atheist, he was not. But even if he was, how did he trick all those peaceful New Testament scholars into genocide? But again, not an atheist right yeah oh my god you could see the kid with the rosaries visibly pass a stone when i pointed out that hitler was a catholic number five but do you think he was a real catholic and we can't stress enough that you're an idiot next was not no otherwise we could have just recorded most of our stuff in advance. But my answer to him was, well, I don't know if he was a true Scotsman, but he called himself a Catholic, and I don't know how the hell to use this

cath-o-lometer, so we're just going to have to trust him. The kid says it's pronounced thermometer. Right, or catheter one. This was just a perfect encapsulation of just how important these kind of events were. This guy was essentially saying, well, but part of beingolic is being good and hitler wasn't good so you know he's not hitler's defense so the jewish kids were treated pretty well oh my god altar boys or whatever maybe not number six i know that when you say slavery that sounds bad but i mean do you have a job yes so apparently this guy was going for the we're all slaves to the man

strategy argument. But it doesn't work very well when the guys you're talking to make fun of your religion for a living and love every minute of it. Also doesn't work well when you're an African American person. Oh my god, that was the weirdest thing about that whole... There was a bit of a racial mix

on both sides. A couple white people and a couple black people. But by and large, the theists in the room were black and the atheists were white. So at one point in the evening, we're in a room where a bunch of white people with southern accents are trying to convince a bunch of black people with southern accents that slavery is bad. The weirdest Tarantino movie ever. There was something horribly surreal about that. Also horribly surreal was watching the room full of African-American Christians nod along approvingly with their African-American friend while he made a case for slavery. As long as it meant they got to keep their Jesus.

That happened. And the sad thing here is that we had achieved a full-blown checkmate status, but all the Christians thought we were playing checkers, apparently. One of the students even pointed out, one of the other SSA guys, he's like, look, you guys realize that the thing that you think is moral, the Bible, you just used it to justify slavery and you didn't even really have to try. So don't you see how that's the exact same thing that the antebellum slave owners did and the same book that they used? Do you see why this is bad? Way too easy. No. You want to call grandma and ask?

We'll wait. We'll wait while you call her. Right. So that was fun. The Uncle Thomas Aquinas portion of the event. And moving on. Number seven. How can you say you don't believe in the supernatural?

Ghosts and stuff have been proven. Way too dumb not to mention. I think it's worth pointing this kind of stuff out when people say that shows like ghost hunters are harmless. The premise of your question is ghosts and stuff have been proven. That's not a good start. Not a good start. Which really leads us well into the next question. Number eight. How can you act like you know more than other people?

It's typecasting. It'll need to be method acting for you, but it's typecasting. Immediately after the ghosts have been proven bit, and well after the Hitler tried to take away everyone's religion question, just to put it in context. What does that mean? Do we all know exactly the same amount?

That would be the other possibility. I mean, does your salary as a college student of negative 30 grand a year, does GSU pay you that much to know more than the faculty? Or does the professor sitting right here next to us get paid positive amounts of money to know more than you? How does it work with college? Let me put this fully in context because obviously what he was really saying was completely unrelated. Okay, so at the beginning of this thing, they introduced us, but most of the Christians came late, and I guess they thought that Heath and me were just old students or something. And also, I have no sense of condescending.

I don't know. If you say something stupid, I'm going to just give you the tides go in, tides go out face and explain why you're stupid. It's what I do for a living, basically. So when my correction on a wildly inaccurate explanation of what's in the Bible ruffled a few feathers, I was politely reminded via this question that tone is more important than substance. And luckily, there actually was a very well-spoken SSA alum at the event who was patient enough several times to very diplomatically explain how incredibly illogical somebody's argument is.

Oh, that dude was awesome. Fantastic guy. The fan director guy. He even managed to recommend William Lane Craig to somebody without sounding even slightly patronizing. He was amazing. I see exactly where you're, feebly, attempting to go with that argument. So here's the name of an author who can express your dead-end logic much more eloquently.

This is a guy who spent years being wrong way better than you. So you want to learn from the experts. So you're seriously... Plus, you really do need somebody to apologize for you. That's this guy's job. It's all perfect. It's a business card, yeah. Except he managed to say all that without being anywhere near as much of an asshole as I would have been.

It's worth reflecting on that there was actually a point in the evening where we were all thinking to ourselves, I would rather be arguing with William Lane Craig. Way nicer. Number nine. What in the Bible made you not want to be a Christian? No. My actual answer, and I thought this was tame, but judging by the hiss from even the atheist side of the room, it wasn't.

I said, well, that sounds like a question from somebody who's never read the Bible. And somebody in the room goes like, that was just condescending. And even though I could have said, that's because you've never read the Bible, I didn't. I was through the entire book. The entire room went nuts as soon as she asked the question. Everybody's got their own quote at the same time. What's bad in here? Genocide, slavery, rape?

You're a black woman. What the fuck is happening? Why do we have to explain this to you? Well, it helps that the same biblical scholar asked later if Leviticus was in the Old Testament or the New One. I'm sorry, can we go back to that question about how can I know more than you? Can we go back to that one? Candy, could you repeat that fact?

You just fact-checked for everybody. Mitt Romney looks like an asshole. It's a Romney joke. Number 10. What if you were really depressed and then you prayed to Jesus and within an hour you weren't depressed anymore? Would that convince you? No. No.

Absolutely not. What? Honestly, this bizarre little fucker was the impetus for this whole segment and most of this week's diatribe. So, okay, first of all, the actual question that he asked. No. Of fucking course not. People are depressed, they don't pray to Jesus, and they stop being depressed. People are depressed and they do pray to Jesus and they don't stop being depressed. So, okay, first of all, the actual question that he asked, no, of fucking course not. People are depressed, they don't pray to Jesus, and they stop being depressed. People are depressed, and they do pray to Jesus,

and they don't stop being depressed. So, no. In no way would that convince me of anything. Right. But somebody else gave their example as, well, maybe if Jesus regrew an amputee's leg, or something like that. And then we took a hard left turn into crazy land. Because

without missing a beat, he says, mine called it. I've seen that amputation thing with the fixing leg. Right, he did. That's my example now. Now what he actually said was, I've seen Jesus regrow a leg. And I only point out the exact wording because apparently Don, the faculty advisor for the group, didn't catch the whole amputee thing that led into it and also didn't know that third leg was a euphemism for a cock. Which I didn't know. So he says completely seriously, he's and also didn't know that third leg was a euphemism for a cock which i didn't know so he says completely seriously he's like wait grew a third leg

and couldn't figure out for the life of him why i was trying so hard not to laugh he could see that i was like holding it in i'm dying i'm looking around nobody else caught the hilarious accidental dick joke to be fair we do that for a living but more importantly nobody's saying anything about the magical shaman in the room sitting on a giant elephant. Really? We're all just going to sit here and pretend this is a normal thing for a person to say? I was hoping Carol Kane was going to run in and start yelling, liar! Liar!

Liar! Evidence, evidence, evidence! Right. I'm thinking to myself, so wait. Okay, so wait, wait. Let me get the chronology on this straight. You personally witnessed Jesus regrowing the amputated leg of a human being, and despite this, you led with the I was really bummed once story?

You thought that was your knockout punch, but just in case you wanted to keep that, Jesus cured the amputee guy in your back pocket. So he decided to slow play those amputee healing aces. Right, exactly. And when I asked why he's not, I don't know, touring veterans hospitals, regrowing limbs, he had no answer. So I guess I finally had him stumped. Oh, well done. So amputee joke.

No, I mean, but look, another example of what i was apparently being condescending i don't know what is it all condescending about this after he said he had magic healing powers i said you know what i got some nerve damage in my left hand here could you pray over it see if we heal it i mean that would you know i wouldn't that would that would help and he didn't even fucking try i mean so like you're not even going to humor me and pretend like you believe this works long enough to go, in Jesus' name, heal his finger? Fine. So, giant liar or hugely uncaring magical asshole, one or the other. He's one or the other, exactly.

And you even asked him, is there any evidence that this amputee thing happened? Oh, no, no, no. And he's like, nah, as if nothing exciting had happened that day. Nobody had a camera, a phone, a fucking tweet the next day by anyone who witnessed the miracle, including the amputee now who's not having a stop. Yeah, I mean, you all but said, like, look, we all know I'm full of shit right now, but you still have to answer as though I wasn't, so just get on with it. Well, larger point here, though. Even if we accept that you witnessed this and it happened exactly as you said,

all we know now is that a leg grew back once. That's... Right. Not sure how we jump from there to blind faith in the entire Bible or any other book or... Just like a few seconds there, like before the compartmentalization kicked in and everything, you could actually see that slowly dawn on him. He actually slowly

saw for just a second all the steps between him and correct. And then his brain made the noise of a modem, an AOL from 94. Checked right out. Jesus! And that by itself made the whole evening worthwhile. A lot of other good stuff happened too.

So big thanks to the SSA at GSU for the invite. And for those of you who have never been to an Ask an Atheist event, look, they do this kind of shit all over the country. If there isn't one near you, organize one. It's not that hard to do. It's a lot of fun. You might change some minds. You might not.

You might correct some misconceptions. You might not. But at the very least, you'll have some really dumb questions to make fun of later. That much I guarantee. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that we named after that cool squealy thing that guitars do at the end of rock songs. Our first email comes from Gabe, who wants us to know that after listening to the first five minutes of one of our episodes,

quote, I was given a horrible glimpse into the minds of the godless and found it to be just as ugly as I always assumed it would be. End quote. That's what we do. Yeah. Well, shame you didn't make the ten-minute mark, Gabe. That's when we peel the flesh off a screaming orphan. We always get parental consent. Well.

We're applicable. Yeah, exactly. We never set out to do an orphan. We always just wind up there. We also got a Facebook message from Dee who wanted to share the horrifying experience of having her headphones accidentally dislodge while listening to this show on a public bus. Right, but luckily it was one of the inoffensive parts of the show. We have the... The Random Maniacs theme song. Oh, right.

As offensive as that may sound. A bit later in that bus ride, and she's listening to a segment on puppy rape analogies. So let's just keep this on perspective. Right, right, yeah. When it comes down to it, a Random Man maniacs is about the best you could hope for. We also got a complimentary correction on the blog from Lace Decal, which I might be pronouncing backwards. Anyway, this was in reference to the New Zealand bleach drinking story we covered last week.

They wrote, quote, I love Heath's revealing of chemistry knowledge, pointing out the bent molecular form of CLO2 on the website, but it's not linear, though, end quote. So what gives, Heath? Explain yourself here. Okay, so well done, LaceDecal. I am pedantically corrected, absolutely. So my chemistry teacher from way back taught this particular molecular geometry term slightly wrong, I've now discovered. We learned that the molecular shape of H2O, for example, is called bent linear, and that CO2 would be called linear. Turns out the standard nomenclature would just be bent versus linear. So yes, using the word linear after bent is not the standard.

I gotta say, though, even when you're wrong, you're wrong really smart. This is all over my... I don't know tetrahedral from pterodactyl. So I leave this to the edumacated folks like you and Lace Decal. All right, so now that we've all bonded over bond angles, let's move on. We also got an email from Steve who asked, which of the terrible Christian movies we've seen so far this year was the worst? Now that actually is a really good question. So, quick refresher.

Between this show and a guest spot on Cognitive Dissonance, we've collectively reviewed Now God's Not Dead, Heaven is for Real, Noah, Left Behind, and Persecuted. It's like half the movies I've seen in theaters right there. And damn, is that a hard list to get to the bottom of. But the Oscar goes to, I guess the Razzie goes to, the one we're going to review on next week's show, Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. Holy shit.

They did it. And that's my full review of the movie. Holy shit. I don't want to get too deep into it now, but Heath and I saw it yesterday, and I challenge anyone to underestimate this movie. Impossible. It is guaranteed to fall below your expectations, regardless of what those expectations may be. And finally tonight, we got this email from Adler, who used to work for Domino's, and really appreciated Eli's mention of how batshit Christian crazy their ownership is during his review of Persecuted.

I'm the king of Jesus. Pizza's and toast. That's simply where his exact words. Now, I'll be honest. I didn't know anything about this shit. I just knew their pizza tasted like something I'd get from a gas station at 3 a.m. to replace all the calories the shrooms made me puke up. But apparently they suck for all kind of bigger reasons than that.

Yeah, so Heather sent along a couple of news stories about their evil plans to replace the Constitution with a Noid-based theocracy. By far the worst of those ideas was the creation of Catholistan in Florida. So Domino's founder Tom Monaghan sold the company to you guessed it bane fucking capital in 1998 extra evil awful and then used the money to build a contraception free zone called ave maria florida in all of human history nobody who wasn't an evil super villain ever owned a town or sold anything to bane capital now i love that he does these interviews now with like the wall street journal where he brags about all these humanitarian efforts to rid the world of or sold anything to Bain Capital. Now, I love that he does these interviews now with the Wall Street Journal

where he brags about all these humanitarian efforts to rid the world of civil liberties. This is a guy who opened a law school with what the article called significant input from Antonin Scalia, and he calls that altruism? That explains I can get away with calling that circular sauce bread pizza, I guess.

Seriously, I'm going to need to bring a refrigerator truck up from New York with like a six-month supply of pizza after Thanksgiving. Oh, my God, that would be so awesome. Maybe a truck of bagels, too. I don't know what. Some Lillians. That would be great.

Bread product. And honestly, until I got this email, I have to say, like I said, I had no idea how crazy this dude was. I would just avoid Domino's because it was disgusting. But it got me to thinking, I want to ask the audience here, if anyone is aware of a group or website that maintains a good list of companies that are run by theocratic zealots, email me, let me know, I'd love to publicize it. I don't want to give money inadvertently to these crazy fuckers, and I'm guessing most of our listeners don't either.

Wouldn't it be nice, honestly, if all the Christian zealots just had to give their business a Christian zealot name? That would be easier, yeah. And that, of course, brings us to this week's top ten. Of course it does. So we'll be looking for top ten ideas for the Jesus-themed pizza restaurant. All right, all right. So since ideally these would be renaming Domino's, I guess number ten should start with a shout-out to former sponsor of the show, Deuteromino's.

Absolutely. Number nine, sliced by Christ, delivery from evil. Number eight, I guess you could stop by the Holy Bible for a little Jesus fish deep dish. Number seven, cheeses of Nazareth, now with 25% more stigmats arella. Number six, I guess the stigmats arella thing, that'd also be a good slogan for the thorny crown pizza town. Number five, stuffed Christianity, in God we crust in the Lord and savor. Nice, hit crustianity. In God we crust, in the Lord and savor. Nice. Hit a triple there.

Number four, Papa John 316s, for he gave his only begotten tomato so that we could keep number three, crucifix, home of the Punch's Pilot mini pizza. A little slice of heaven, but just a little one. Number two, little Constantines, because Julius was a bisexual pagan. And the number one, rename for Dominoino's Jesus-themed pizza restaurant, Crust Will Rise Again, Back from the Dead with Cheese, Sauce, and Bread. I can see it now. Jesus shows up. He's like, Sorry, guys. What a second couple centuries ago. There was a line for takeout. I got breadsticks, though.

And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Before we ride into yonder sunset tonight, I wanted to give everybody a quick reminder that I'm going to be popping in on David Smalley's 24-hour broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. Now, as I understand it, the goal is to raise $5,000 during that 24 hours. That would smash the organization's 24-hour fundraising record, and there's been a little bit of prick-waving by a few of the scheduled guests

as to whose hour is going to raise the most money. Well, look, I'm going to be on at 8 a.m. on Sunday, so I doubt we're going to be breaking the record there, but perhaps I can at least be on when we actually crack $5,000. So I'm urging our listeners to help that out. That's 8 a.m. on Sunday. It takes place December 6th and 7th, so that's December 7th that I'll be on. Foundation Beyond Belief is a phenomenal charity.

Tis the season to pad your deductions and all that. So check out the link on this week's show notes to find out more about the fundraiser. And if you can, please help. Please get involved. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you tonight. But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. Between now and then, be sure to check out the blog. Follow us on Twitter.

Like us on Facebook. And think of us when you masturbate. Of course, I can't shut it down without thanking Heath for rearranging his entire life to make this podcast grow. I need to thank Lucinda for being beautiful and wonderful and filling my life with joy, laughter, and shit jokes. Obviously, I can't thank Kurt Cameron enough for reestablishing the metric

by which other affronts to art will be judged. We're going to get to that next week, I promise. And of course, I want to thank the great Dark Lord Satan for... ... ... ... ...

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... ................................................................................................ Of course, I want to thank the great Dark Lord Satan for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Brendan, Shane, Reed, Heather, Michael, Richard, Rick, Eric, Jeff, Andre, Andrew, Brainstorm, Sharpest One, Stephen, Nancy, Danny, Aaron, Gerald, Grant, Evan, and Don. Brendan, Shane, Reed, Heather, and Michael, whose stem cells could be William Lane Craig in a debate. Richard, Rick, Eric, Jeff, Kama, and Andre, whose erections have been designated by FEMA as tsunami safe zones, Andrew, Brainstorm,

Sharpest One, Steven, and Nancy, who give the right side of the bell curve a fat tail, Danny, Aaron, Gerald, Grant, and Evan, whose IQs are polynomial, and Don, who's been patiently and accidentally waiting three weeks for the world to know that his penis is mighty and envied by gods and men alike. Together, this blackjack worth of generous and really easy to compliment humans

have helped keep the theocrats at bay a little longer this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the audacity, tenacity, veracity, and capacity to give us money, but if you think you've got what it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist and get bonus content for as little as $1 per episode. You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com, or you could buy our book, because people like presents and books and stuff. And I wanted to issue a correction to

Magnus, who I complimented on a previous episode, but misidentified as a hominid. This Magnus, it turns out, is actually a great Dane, and thus a member of the Canis genus. So, Magnus, if you're listening, who's a little Canis familiaris? You're a little Canis familiaris, as you are. Good Canis familiaris. If you have questions, comments, or death, if you're listening, who's a little Canis Familiaris? You're a little Canis Familiaris, yes you are. Good Canis Familiaris.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Next week on The Skathing Atheist. This is like watching Hitler fall down. Hitler fall down into a pit of sentient dicks. And just start fucking him.

That's what this movie is. You're like, yeah!