The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 93: Saving Christmas Edition

Episode Date: November 27, 2014

In this week's episode all the people who said Texas couldn't get dumber will sure have egg on their faces, Lucinda will join us to talk about biblical penis wars, and Eli Bosnick will join us to stare at Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas with the kind of grotesque fascination one usually reserves for fatal lawn mower accidents.

Warning, we'll be talking about Kirk Cameron's new movie on this episode, so there'll probably be extra cuss words. Today's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by... The cosmetics company for women in burkas and kneecobs, L'Oreal Kata. Are Muslim men ignoring your barely visible upper nose area? Is eye cleavage augmentation out of your price range? Is CoverGirl the name of a headscarf store where you live? Well then we've got the products for you. L'Oreal Kata.

Your isolate will look so good, you'll almost deserve to get raped and prosecuted. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hey, g'day. It's Paul from Australia. Listen up. I've got the drum. Around here from the bush to the big smoke, if you go to any pub on a Friday night, you'll have all the evidence you need to know that we evolved from filthy, dirty monkey men.

It's Football Plus Gluttony Day. It's November Thanksgiving. And Odell Beckham Jr. might shut down our entire show if he turns out to be a deity. It's like 50-50. Probably at this point. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from who stole our only horse, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, people who said Texas couldn't get any dumber will have an egg on their faces. We'll learn that ES-da-da, da-da-da, ESPN management is stupid. And Eli Snick will join us to try to make you spit stuffing out of your nose. But first, the diatribe. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 children and partially cooked food. Now, for our international listeners, I suppose I should mention that this episode airs on Thanksgiving in the States, and as I noted this time last year, this is by far my favorite holiday. It's all football and gluttony, which in my opinion offsets the whole putting up with your family part. See, now, last year I made the mistake

of calling this a secular holiday, and technically it is, but of course if you grew up in a religious household, you'd never know that, because in a religious household there's no such thing as secular. So, you know, for a family like mine, when I was growing up, Jesus would sneak in for a few seconds before the big meal. But other than that, there's no religious component to it, unless you count my dad offering up his soul for a lion's victory. But for many people, it's all about Jesus. Because for many people, everything is all about Jesus. And unfortunately, my family has a lot more of those people now than it did when I was a kid. See, this year, I'm going to be sharing a meal with my very Catholic brother and his very Catholic wife,

and their very Catholic kids, my neo-pagan sister and her very Baptist husband, my born-again father and my probably-just-playing-along-with-the-born-again-thing mother, and my blissfully rational atheist sister. Quick, guess which one has the PhD? Anyway, like most of you, I'm going to spend the day tactfully avoiding the subject of religion while all my religious family members decidedly don't avoid that subject. You know, they'll thank God for the meal, and I'll nod along and mumble Arm and Hammer at the end,

and then my sister-in-law will spend half the meal telling us about how Jesus parted the traffic for him along the way. My dad will nod along and tell her about the great parking spot that Jesus reserved for him at the airport, and then my brother-in-law, who's a few beers in at this point, will blame the weather on the queers. My mother will try to walk him back a bit, but agree that God certainly doesn't care much for the queers. Then my brother will compliment my dad on his Pro-Jesus t-shirt that looks like a Dr. Pepper logo, but actually says Dr. Jesus. My sister will turn to me to tell me in confidence that she doesn't like the look of my aura, and I'll need a cigarette, or an exhaust pipe, or just a tumor that I can directly insert, because through all of this postulation and nonsense, the only taboo subject will be the rational one. You know, these babblings about God and Jesus are no less factually sound than saying that helicopters were invented

by the Babylonians, or that spiders wear hats, but it would be the height of social irresponsibility to correct them when they suggest that they have an immortal, invisible, magical Jewish valet. I just have to let it hang in the air like someone who literally died or could care less. And that's the thing. Look, this isn't specific to religion. It's just that according to our warped code of etiquette, there's nothing rude about saying demonstrably false bullshit, but there's a taboo about correcting it. You know, if I'm in an elevator when somebody recommends their chiropractor to somebody, I'm an asshole if I suddenly chime in

and mention that he might as well be recommending a phrenologist. Believe me, I checked. Of course, this isn't universally true of all things. There are some subjects where nobody would fault you at all for correcting them, but it seems like the less trivial the topic, the more taboo the correction, right? It's perfectly okay to correct the name of a character in a movie or something, but then it's mildly rude if you correct a misused word, and then it's impolite if you point out that homeopathy is nonsense, and it's downright barbaric to mention that there is no God. It's like the inverse square law of bullshit.

And if that's the norm, how can we breed anything but wrong? Right? I mean, how does right even stand a chance when our culture stacks the deck in favor of wrong? We already have an uphill battle since it always takes more time to correct nonsense than it takes to spew it. And now we've got to go around finding a polite way to say, no, turns out that's incorrect and we've known that as a species since 1859.

You know, part of this is just human nature. We don't like being wrong. We don't like being wrong. We don't like being corrected. We're naturally defensive. There are plenty of psychological predispositions working against us here. It's hard to learn to tamp all that down and say, shit, my bad, I was wrong. Sorry. But when we have a ubiquitous institution in our culture that gets a pass when it comes to the whole right-wrong thing, how can we not be exacerbating the problem with that? We want to hold rationality as a virtue. As a culture, we want and need

to do that if we want to continue inventing stuff and solving problems and shit. But how can a culture venerate rationality if it's busy venerating faith? Those two values are in direct conflict. A teacher in this fucking country can't just flatly say to students we should never accept anything just based on

authority without a line of evidence for fear of offending the religious sensibilities of all the pre-zealots in the class. So we have to soft-pedal reality in the schools, and then we reinforce it all the way up the line through a misguided excuse for civility. After all, when my sister-in-law says Jesus saves and I say, well, his batting average on leukemia sucks compared to science, there's nothing inherently insulting about that response. Not to her, anyway.

If anything, I'm being damn generous by playing along with the idea that Jesus ever did anything. See, the problem is that right doesn't have zealots. Wrong pumps out zealots like they got a fucking assembly line. But when you champion rationality, you tend to do it in a rational way. I don't want to express my opinion bad enough to screw up my sister-in-law's Thanksgiving, but she has no qualms at all about fucking mine up by adulating Jesus every third comment. So I'll bite my tongue, bottle up the rage, and I'll take it out on the next Twitter troll.

So on behalf of all the people holding it in this turkey day, let me simply say that someday we will change this standard. Someday we'll update the taboos, and they'll be the ones socially obligated to shut the fuck up. But between now and then, just keep plenty of food in your mouth at all times, and if you feel like you're about to lose it, just pretend like you're yelling at the lions.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the kid from the stovetop stuffing commercial, all grown up, Heath Enright. Heath, honestly, how many Thanksgiving dinners

do you have lined up this year? Well, I've got four for dinner on Thursday, but I also have five more to collect pre-ordered leftovers on Friday from choice houses. And here I am looking for a way to call in sick to the one. In our lead story tonight, we have a follow-up on the Curt Schilling fossil hoax theory from last week. You may remember the retired pitcher attempting to stretch his area of expertise beyond I throw ball now and failing miserably with a series of science-denying creationist tweets. In response, senior baseball writer Keith Law, Schilling's colleague at ESPN,

made several corrections to the aforementioned outburst of wildly uninformed public remarks, at which point ESPN decided to suspend Law from using his Twitter account. Well, now, but in ESPN's defense, if they started a policy where their employees were allowed to run around being correct in public, they'd have to hire all new fantasy football rankers. I don't know what the fuck happened with Cutler. What were you guys? Right, exactly. You're giving me 20.

I mean, he did 20. Cecil Shorts? Cecil Shorts? What? Point six? Give me a fucking break. Anyway, despite the obvious connection between Law's remarks and the suspension that immediately followed, ESPN released the following statement claiming the events were unrelated. Quote, Keith's suspension on Twitter had absolutely nothing to do with his opinions on the subject.

End quote. Which I guess is vaguely adjacent to true, sort of, but really only because Law was expressing scientific facts on the subject, so opinions that he didn't express would, of course, be irrelevant, obviously. He did have one that I think sort of blurred the line between opinion and fact, but I thought it was worth mentioning anyway, among the related tweets from law. Quote, seriously, if someone says evolution is wrong because there aren't fossils between monkeys and men, find a monkey and hit him with it. End quote.

I left that out because it made my argument less credible. All right, all right, So how about this one? This actually helps. He quoted reasons for correcting people who are wrong about evolution in two words. Bacterial resistance. That was good. That one backs you up a little more. But, you know, the hitting with the monkey suggestion, I just hear a sarcastic idea, you know, a suggestion, hit a guy with a monkey, plus some implied facts.

No opinions. Anyway, quick background on these guys for everyone. Curt Schilling, community college dropout, cataclysmic business failure, Obama birther, anti-vaxxer, IQ similar to bloody sock size. Yes. Keith Law, double major at Harvard, the university, graduated with honors, MBA from Carnegie Mellon, also the university. Read an entire non-fiction book on multiple occasions as well. Now, keeping all this in mind, if you were ESPN, which guy is more likely to make the company look stupid on Twitter? Well, but see, we might be biasing our reporting here because ESPN said it had nothing to do with him giving sarcastic answers to the Twidiots that sent him Bible verses. So it may very well have been the controversial review that he tweeted about the new Harry

Potter ride at Universal Orlando or the pictures of Pi. Divisive stuff. Yeah. And I guess that would explain why the ESPN brass decided to suspend law and let Schilling keep talking, because it was a great idea. It seems they were quite certain Schilling would not tweet the following thing the very next week. Quote, how is our Attorney General warning police officers in Ferguson not to escalate?

How about warning the people that are going to riot? End quote. Really? Really? Dear riotous black people in Ferguson, this is the Attorney General speaking. Don't be mad about the murder. Are you fucking kidding me? Anyway, moral of the story,

it seems ESPN won't tolerate employees making divisive public statements on social media unless, of course, those statements are grossly ignorant. Yes. Weak sauce by ESPN. Come on, man. Come. And in fuck-off and diocese news tonight, yet more evidence has come to light this week, further proving the complicity of high-ranking Vatican officials in the U.S. in a conspiracy to commit an aid in the commission of child rape and child pornography. conspiracy to commit and aid in the commission of child rape and child pornography. And while the veracity of the documents aren't in question and are, in fact, internal Vatican documents, and while they specifically name people involved in the destruction of evidence

and subsequent cover-up, up to and including then-Vatican ambassador to the United States, Archbishop Gabriel Montalvo, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that nobody involved has or likely will face any legal repercussions for this documented felony. Okay, and many listeners might find this kind of boring and repetitive for us to keep reporting on stories like this. It's depressing. But rather than not mention all the rapings, we'd prefer they stop all the rapings. That would be a better solution to the monotony problem of our headline segment. Yeah, tackle it from the supply side, perhaps.

monotony problem or headline segment. Yeah, tackle it from the supply side, perhaps. But at least this time there's a new humorous angle to this pedophilia story because who the fuck keeps records of destroying evidence? They created evidence that says this. It's like hiding your safe in a bigger, it's like hiding your money in a bigger pile of money. Hide the child porn on the internet. There's plenty of child porn on the internet.

It's like putting pee in a pool. Nobody will ever be able to pin that on specifically. It's a victimless crime, then. Now, the documents in question were recently obtained by St. Paul attorney and notorious berserker Jeff Anderson and detail the keystone cobblestone response of the Minnesota Archdiocese when child pornography was discovered in the living quarters of one Reverend Donald J. Dummer. To the credit of the officials involved, they did turn over Dummer's file to law enforcement a mere 16 years after the contraband was discovered, though in the intervening time, the actual

child pornography was destroyed by Dummer's superiors. But not before throwing a viewing party for all the child porn experts he knew to verify its authenticity. That definitely happened. Well, the documents read, he went to like 20 different guys and he says, tell me if this looks like child porn to you. Is that a kid's dick? Is that a kid's dick?

Remind it. Does that look like a kid's dick to you? Does it still look like a kid's dick in slow motion? Now, when asked why the hell they didn't turn Dumber over to authorities immediately upon their suspicion that he might fuck kids, Vatican officials explained that since the moment they were made aware of the evidence, they had been, quote, supervising Dummer closely but trying not to make too much noise because that scares the kids away, end quote. And in Larry Gurley and Moses news tonight, the Texas State Board of Education voted along

party lines last week to approve a set of history textbooks as academically rigorous as a Tarantino script. That's what blood looks like when you shoot somebody. That's real. Among the new facts the Board of Education legislated into existence last Friday was the fact that Moses was the founder of democracy and the fact that the Constitution

was inspired by the Bible. Texas History 101, based on a Jew story. Great job, guys. Read some Richard Carrier, you fucking assholes. Or just books, you know? And now an actual excerpt from this thing may read, quote, and then Moses took his holy chainsaw

to all the communist Indians and manifested the shit out of our destiny, end quote. But I can't say for certain because nobody knows exactly what's in these textbooks, including the people who just voted to approve them. Apparently a number of last-minute changes were made between the last time the board saw the books and the time that they voted on them.

Now, board members admit to a bit of trepidation in voting on books with unreviewed changes, but they point out that that beats the hell out of letting the public get a look at this burglarized bullshit beforehand. Fantastic. And from the Law & Mortar file tonight, born-again Christian activist Christine Weick,

you remember the homophobic protester? She took a slushie in the face for being an awful bitch in Michigan last May? Yeah, her. Well, she's back in the news, this time for using her self-proclaimed divine invisibility powers. She actually said that. Yes, she actually said that. She thinks she has divine invisibility powers, and she used it to

infiltrate an interfaith service at Washington D.C.'s National Cathedral. She then proceeded to deliver a sociopathic Jesus rant before being escorted from the building by security. So after, I guess, removing the one ring, she walked up to the front of the room and started yelling stuff like, quote, Jesus died on that cross. He is the reason we are to worship only him. Sick.

Why don't you worship in your mosques and leave our churches alone? End quote. She also yelled that we had allowed their mosques in our country, so apparently she sits on the zoning board for America. For the country. Yeah, I tried to check, but it's hard to disconfirm anything when you're dealing with someone who turns invisible regularly.

It's tricky. So obviously everyone thinks she's insane now, knows she's insane now, but according to Weick's account, it's only because she went off-screen. That was the only thing that got fucked up here. She almost nailed it. Quote, I did not plan on those exact words coming out. I was going to say it

differently. I planned to say, I serve a risen savior, and Muhammad is dead. I rehearsed it over and over in the bathroom, because my biggest fear was making a fool of myself. End quote. So, crisis averted. Yeah, almost.

Christine, I wouldn't want to make a fool of yourself. I would trade tumor-free kidneys to have been there with a slushie. And finally, in swag of the finger news tonight, Donnie Swaggart, son of infamous hooker John and defrocked televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, appeared on his mom's Christian propaganda show, Francis and Friends,

claiming the American gay rights movement is just like ISIS, except they don't do beheadings yet. Oh my God. By the way, Francis and Friends, just write that down somewhere. Now we can cover another story about the Pope. Oh, and anyway,

and I was thinking when I was reading this, this is good news for the Nazis. You know, it's a clear sign that there could be a shakeup in the preposterously hyperbolic rhetorical comparison ranking. It's been a long time since the Nazis had any good news, but ISIS might just work their way in there. They need this. Now, referring in particular to their brazen pursuit of humanhood in Houston, Texas, the homosexuals' brazen pursuit of humanhood in Houston, D-Swags had this to say about the homosexuals.

in pursuit of humanhood in Houston, D-Swags had this to say about the homosexuals. Quote, The only difference between them and ISIS, those thugs in Iraq, is those here cannot chop our heads off. That's the only difference. The heart is the same.

End quote. So just to sum that all up for you, ISIS is a bunch of religious fundamentalist homophobic theocrats just like the gays, said the religious fundamentalist homophobic theocrat just like the gays said the religious fundamentalist homophobic theocrat so now this is just yet another iteration of their whole i know you are but what am i defense pretty much are you trying to take away gay people's rights well complain that the gay people are trying to take your rights away are you trying to force your views on against accuse the gays of trying to force their views are are you are you terrified by a militant

collection of zealots whose beliefs are exactly like yours except that they like Return of the Jedi and you prefer Empire Strikes Back or reminding the entire world why religious people with power should scare the fuck out of anybody who relies on the

unbroken connection between their brain and their spinal cord? Well, say that those guys are actually more like the gays. It all works. Okay, but I gotta say, regardless of sexual orientation,

I don't think there's a listener out there who wouldn't want to watch Donnie Swaggart in a Bukkake-themed militant homosexual jihad video. Is there? Hands up! Hands up, audience! Does anybody not want to see that?

I see no hands. I see no hands either. That means we'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Thank you. LGBT terrorist groups and their pornographic jihad videos obviously go. How weird are these things going to be by like episode 250?

I can't wait to start now. Right. How about the Canalistinian Liberation Organization? Oh wait, and I need a video name too. Shit. You never go Hamas to mouth. That was better than the Canalistinian.

About Lesbola. Carpet bombing the Gaza landing strip. Nice. The rusty talabone. Weapons of ass resuction. Nice. Got a little filtering reference in there. Yes.

Everybody, if you didn't last time, Google filtering this time. It's a good one. How about Big Gay Al-Qaeda's OPEC Members Only Club? Pumping gases and pumping asses. Maybe the girth liquidation front on our knees for the trees? See, Ben Affleck, we're not just doing Muslims. We're equal opportunity here. Okay, well, I'm going to continue making fun of Muslims.

So what about the ISIScapades? Double axles and triple putzes. Yes, they're using Yiddish in their Muslim terrorist group. Gay name. Deal with it. Yeah, well, you know what? They just have more punnable names. Fuck it.

I'll do it. How about Boko Haram at home? Abduction, destruction, and plenty of suction. Another potential filch. If you didn't that second time, Google Filching now. One last chance. Just last chance. Okay, how about the Palestinian Liberacean organization?

Take it from behind, the candelabra. That would have been worse than my one. How about Jihad and Bothered, Confessions of a Suicide Hummer? Puna Bombers of the Leather Underground? Dykes, Spikes, and Missile Strikes? The Mujahid Queen? Boy, are we forcing it here. The Mujahid Queen. Boy, that was... Boy, are we forcing it here.

The Adventures of an Afghani Tranny Fanny. They do force it. How about Abomination of Islam. The Pink Panthers and the Stink Panthers. Fudge is the new pack. Nice. Khmer Splooge. Tales from the Spilling Field.

Smoking Poles Pot. Yeah, exactly. All right, what about the Viet Shlong in Charlie's Chocolate Factory? Tales from the Spilling Field. Smoking Pol's Pot. Yeah, exactly. All right, what about the Viet Shlong in Charlie's Chocolate Factory? Good morning, Vietnam-ler! God damn it. Sorry, that was a Tet offensive. I apologize.

With confidence that any additional butt sex jokes would just be lowbrow after that one, I guess we can close out the headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji! And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to stare at Kirk Cameron saving Christmas with a kind of gruesome all one usually reserves for fatal lawnmower accidents. I have to admit that part of the reason that I wanted to tackle the Minor Prophets in groups of four was the daunting task of writing poems for every single one of them.

See, up until now, all of the biblical poems ran about two minutes, but with nothing but a couple of pages of source material to work with, I knew that wasn't going to happen with the Minor Prophets. So instead, I wrote four poems of varying lengths that together are well over two minutes, and I'll just sprinkle them throughout today's episode, starting with Hosea in Rhyme. Oh, hey, uh, Hosea? There's really no way the 28th book of the Bible demands much attention. I'll mention a couple events in this trite recollection of Yahweh's commands,

but forgive me as glibly I mow through it quickly, as in all of its chapters Hosea contains little merit, it parrots the other books near it, and where it diverges, it's fucking insane. The examples are ample. Hell, just a preamble has God tell Hosea to marry a whore, have three kids, then get rid of them all, he forbids him to call them or feed them, just shows him the door. I guess this represents God's laments in a roundabout sense, and his family's a stand-in

for all of the Jews, abandoned and stranded as the good Lord demanded, because nothing says holy like child abuse. This unbearable parable shows you how terrible their almighty God is at symbolic prose. This allegory is gory, and it's not a good story, but at least it was mercifully quick to the close. So in summary, none of the prophetic buggery you'll find in it's better than biblical filler, but with more filthy whores, I mean hookers galore, like Isaiah rewritten by Frank fucking Miller.

like Isaiah rewritten by Frank fucking Miller. Run, grab the youngins, folks. It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. Today we're going to open up our Bibles to Genesis and learn all about Dinah and her noble brothers, Simeon and Levi. It's a beautiful story about love, brotherhood, determination, rape, genocide, and genital mutilation. So once upon a time, there lived a pussyhound named Jacob who had kids by at least four women that we know about. In fact, he did so much fucking that he

wound up with a dozen sons. He also had some daughters, but we don't know how many because the Bible doesn't give much of a shit about women. But we do know about one of his daughters, the beautiful Dinah. Now, one day, Dinah was walking through town when she met a handsome prince named Shechem who raped her. According to the Bible, he said really nice stuff to her after the rape, which makes you wonder who their source was for this story. Anyway, when she came home and told her dad that she'd been raped,

Jacob was furious. Well, furious might be too strong a word, but he was, at the very least, inconvenienced. But Shechem decided that she was the best rape victim he'd ever had and fell deeply in love with her. He loved her so much that he wanted to have sex with her again, but kind of consensually this time. So him and his dad went to Jacob's house to buy his daughter. Now, by biblical standards, this was a pretty good deal for Jacob. After all, nobody would want Dinah for a wife after she'd been raped,

so he'd be lucky to get more than 50 shekels out of her. And here was Shechem offering goats and camels and all kinds of stuff. But there was a problem. See, Shechem wasn't just any old rapist. He was a Canaanite rapist. And God never says anything in the Bible about not raping people, but he says plenty about not marrying a Canaanite. So Jacob refused. But Shechem was really persistent, so he talked to two of Dinah's brothers and asked what he would have to do to marry Dinah. So the two brothers, Simeon and Levi, explained that the real problem was that he wasn't Jewish. But if he was willing to become Jewish, Jacob would surely change his mind. So Shechem said, sure, I'll become Jewish.

What do I have to do? Swear an oath? Take a test? Be bitten by a Jew? Name it, I'm in. And they told him the only way to be a Jew was to chop off the fleshy part of the end of his dick with a stone knife.

And then he just stared at them, hoping it was a joke. So they explained that it wouldn't be enough if just he was Jewish. His whole tribe had to become Jewish, and they all had to cut the fleshy parts of the tips of their dicks off. Well, needless to say, Shechem was hesitant, but he really, really wanted to fuck Dinah again. So he mutilated his penis and ordered all the people in his tribe to do the same. But it turned out it was all a trick, and while they were laying around

recovering from their pre-scientific circumcisions, Simeon and Levi came to town and murdered them, and stole all their stuff, and nobody fought back because their dicks hurt so much. The end. Joel in Rhyme Joel, you know well what the Lord wants, so tell us. Dispel with the rumors. Come on, fella, humor us. Why the hell do these numerous hardships befall us? Does he want to provoke us with locusts? Come on, brother, focus. Do you know, because we're hungry and broke,

thus astonished by blokes who dishonestly promised us solace. Like your God, did he not? In a spot atop Sinai, he offered a lot. Should I scoff or you got something awfully hot off the presses? Address us, man. Tell us the plot. My guess is he blesses us less as we're prone to excesses, but why would he vex us? We're easy to reach and being able to teach us at best a slight part of perfection, yet he chooses a blight to abuse us. I don't like how he uses a stuttering doofus to mutter his views. It's all but utterly useless unless he means to confuse us by giving all of our olives a fungal infection. Was it poles or high places?

Come on, Brother Gracious, is mysterious ways or a pain in the ass? Why is bacon anathema worth facing as wrath farming? Come on, is your God just a sociopath or is he bipolar? A raging asshole or is he angry enough to let all our farms smolder over somebody making a calf out of gold for these tiny infractions? His actions aren't ones I can fathom. It's almost as though he's made up and life's random. As we were listening over our last movie review, Heath offered the helpful suggestion that in the future I start these with a quick plot synopsis so as not to risk losing our listeners as the discussion progresses. Sounded like a great idea, so I decided I'd do exactly that with our next movie review.

However, Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas thwarted that effort with its stubborn refusal to have a plot at all. The best plot synopsis I could possibly offer is, Kirk Cameron is at a Christmas party saying words. Joining us to discuss those words is friend of the show and glutton for punishment, Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. Oh, thank you so much for having me. And what words they are. Oh, my fucking God.

I mean, I feel like, I'm afraid we're not going to be able to articulate the true scale of horrible that this movie achieved. So before we get into the movie and everything, just I have to ask you, Eli, do you feel like you can possibly tell the listeners just how bad this movie was? Oh, oh, I can tell them how bad this was because it's the greatest experience of my entire life. Not only was it terrible, it was fun terrible. Oh, yes. Because, you know, if anyone who listens watched Persecuted, you didn't have fun. I mean, you kind of had fun being like, this is bad.

But it's not fun. You know, it's like watching a fat person fall down. You know, you're like, ha, that's really funny. And then you're like, oh, he's hurt. This is like watching Hitler fall down. Hitler fall down into a pit of sentient dicks that just start fucking him. That's what this movie, you're like, yeah!

Get him, dicks! That's exactly what this movie was like. So I think we should start with the title, which was Kurt Cameron's Saving Christmas. Not Saving Christmas. Kirk Cameron was already in there, and it contained virtually nothing but Kirk Cameron. Yeah. It's just the closest you've ever been to Kirk Cameron's face in the least pleasant experience ever i'm sure kirk cameron has sexually assaulted boys at at some kind of bible camp with

less distance and intimacy than he has with the camera in this movie oh my god this okay so the movie opens with a fireside chat with kirk cameron the notes i wrote for just i wrote half a page of notes just for that monologue alone, because it's so insane. It's like a professor who goes insane halfway through a lecture, because he's like, hang everybody, welcome. Here's a fun fact. I'm afraid of bears.

Bears are everywhere. They're inside my eyes. Get them out. Get them out. They're inside my eyes. Just like, I love hot chocolate. Are they going to tell us that hot chocolate's pagan inside my eyes. Just like, like, I love hot chocolate. Are they going to tell us that hot chocolate's pagan too? And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And it's like someone, it's like he wrote that beginning monologue for someone who had already seen the movie and was like, I get it. Great. Go back to the beginning. I want to see it again. Cause the beginning of the movie references stuff that happens later in the movie. I wrote down just in my notes here, I say the beginning of this movie is a drunk youth pastor right before he jerks off in front of you.

This is the moment. It's like, you know, you got two groups of people, man. That one was really good, by the way. You got two groups. You got the people who want you to love and not love, but you do it in a small box. Right? They're like, hey, you're in a box. Because it's very buddy-buddy. At each moment during this, he's like, right?

They're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like trying to do a bit with you, but because he's a crazy person. It's like when a homeless person walks up and he's like, hey, man, you get it, right? Spider's on top of me. You're like, hey, man, you get it right. Spiders on top of me. I'm sorry. I'm not. I do not also have schizophrenia. So this is hard for me to get on board with.

Oh, my God. And this is like just no exaggeration of the craziness of this film. And then we get to the Christmas party where the entire rest of the fucking movie is going to take place. Not necessarily the Christmas party because I entire rest of the fucking movie is going to take place. Not necessarily the Christmas party because I hate to correct you, Noah, it's going to take place inside a van. Inside a van in a garage

outside of the Christmas party. With one man's iron clothes. That's for dick sucking. That's what that whole... We're going to get to it in a second but i just want to just want to say two guys go out into the garage and sit in a car together it's because one of them's sucking the other one's dick it's not because they're talking about the meaning of christmas i would

much rather have watched kurt cameron suck that dude's dick for an hour oh i guarantee you there's a bunch of people in the world who would not agree with you. All of the ones that saw that. Now, I have to say, because before we get into the SUV where the whole goddamn movie is going to take place, we start off at this Christmas party and we meet Kirk Cameron's family, played by his real-life family, by the way. I love that his own sister played it, but he couldn't get his once kind of semi-famous, if you were alive, like, and a kid kind of in the 90s, maybe remember Candace Cameron. He couldn't get her. She was too big for this movie.

So he got his other sister that no one had ever heard of. And her husband-in-law, who's the only maybe kind of actual actor in the movie, is named Christian. Christian. So we're not doing subtlety in this flick. And he's kind of bummed he's just not very happy he's not in the he's not in the christmas mood at all and and then of course we have to meet the uh the token black guy don't worry he's light it's that moment is so insane he walks over by the way this character never has any meaning nor nor does his part in the movie have any meaning.

He walks over to Christian who's feeling bad, and he's like, hey, man, you hear they're taking away Funkyshirt Friday. I can't get rid of my no Funkyshirt Friday. And by the way, before anyone thinks I'm racist, that is what this actor does. Yes. And then they slow down his mouth and make it quiet so that we know that, like, he's just a yammering black guy. What this movie wants us to know is, like, look at this yammering black guy and the white man who hates him. Just like, stupid and doom doom, put it pop, 15 rape accusations. And Christian's just looking at him like you piece of shit and this is a reoccurring theme

with these movies every time someone has a monologue i feel like we're at the beginning of a horror movie yes this monologue in the car that christian first gives is the beginning of a horror movie he's like i see I see their sweaty, open faces, their consuming mouths, and their wet tongues, and I wonder, what would their skin feel like online? The music in this movie is like someone stole an iPod shuffle of a personal trainer while she got her abortion and was just like press play don't worry it'll always because the music never makes sense it's like i just can't stand and tonight's gonna

literally they were just like add music you gotta add music it's so echoey and quiet because everyone takes no one has any lines through this movie and that's important too this is throughout the conversation but this establishes it all the conversation it um what happens at about half this speed

it's just again if the camera pans down and Kirk Cameron's sucking his dick this movie makes sense if it ever pans down and Kirk Cameron's sucking his dick, this movie makes sense. If it ever pans down, it's crazy. Absolutely nuts. The villain of this movie, like the person, the Uncle Scrooge, which I want to get back to, that he uses the term Uncle Scrooge because that's actually really important. The Scrooge of this movie is someone who's like, I don't know, isn't Christmas about Jesus? Not when you're

a crazy person. Trees are made out of magic. Don't you understand that Santa's a metaphor for butt rape? What's the word Santa backward? Ants nuts. Fight me.

I can see your blood pressure. That was the level of argumentation that was offered in this movie. Now, this is when we get the first of three crazy weird little flashbacks. This is the manger flashback. Right. Well, you got to remember, he goes, oh, and what's in the corner? Oh, there's baby Jesus.

Baby Jesus in the corner. And I screamed as loud as I possibly could in an empty theater. No one puts baby Jesus in the corner! And there's this echoey silence while the movie's pausing. And from the booth behind me, I hear a guy go, ha ha!

Good Norbach fan. The projection guy got it. Awesome. From the projection guy. Yeah, he's like, so his problem with the manger, he doesn't even have a problem with the manger. No. Which doesn't fit the rest of this movie. Because the other, he has problems with Santa and Christmas trees.

He doesn't like them. He thinks they're pagan, yada yada. santa and christmas trees he doesn't like them he thinks they're pagan yada yada um he just doesn't think that like the manger is treated as important enough yes exactly so kirk cameron's like oh well i got a solution i'm gonna tell you the history of the manger first i already like the manger it just needs to be more centralized don't worry worry about it. Listen close. Imagine you're in a cave. And I want to talk about this show. Well, first of all, I want to say what he calls him. He calls him Uncle Scrooge.

Yes. He says he may be kind of an Uncle Scrooge. Now, the reason he does that is because he's so unfamiliar with the Dickens story. Uncle Scrooge, Scrooge in the Dickens story, is not an uncle. Uncle Scrooge is Scrooge in the Dickens story is not an uncle. Uncle Scrooge is Scrooge McDuck. Yes. Only DuckTales. That is the source material that Kirk Cameron

is working off of. DuckTales. Which means that at some point they were like, well, we should probably work in that he's being a Scrooge. You mean like DuckTales? Yeah, Kirk, like DuckTales. I like that show. You ever watch it backwards? You can see Jesus' eyes.

Sure, Kirk. Kirk Cameron's narrating it like someone tortured Dan Carlin until he went insane. He's like, now what you have to remember is that the rock is hard and you're alone in a cave. And I'm like,

oh, it's Dan Carlin. And someone zapped his balls until he thought a demon was inside his eyeballs. It's a rock and it's covered with a straw. No, it's not. No, it's not.

What's amazing is that so many, this is the first one in the movie so many of his historical corrections are just fucking wrong yeah right so you got to remember a manger is what animals ate out of no it's not where animals lie down no it's where they would eat their food maybe sometimes there's another moment where he's talking about the manger he's like let's take away mary for a second and Joseph. Well, first off, he goes, you're probably picturing, you know, clean

clothes and white faces. Let's look at Mary and Joseph, who are wearing clean clothes and have white faces. So then he takes Mary and Joseph and he goes, let's even take baby Jesus away. Don't worry. He'll be back. Which means that when they test screened this,

someone was like, oh, we're taking people to jail! No, no, they killed me! He disappeared like Marty the Clown. That's what it was like. Oh, no! Joseph and Mary, you gotta kiss before midnight or else he won't be back in time to

say knock! Yes, exactly. And this was all part of his bizarre swaddling cloth thesis. I don't really want to go into that, because I want to save a little more time for his explanation of why Christmas trees are a good biblical thing. And if you don't mind, Eli, I'll be Christian, you be Kirk Cameron, and I'll offer Christian's thing.

And if you could sum up Kirk Cameron's counter-argument, he says, what about the Christmas tree? That's in the middle of the whole Christmas decoration thing, and that's not in the Bible. Where in the Bible is the Christmas tree, I ask you? Oh, well, okay, great. Say, all right, good question. Hey, hey, calm down. Hey, all right, good question. Hey, calm down. Calm down. Hey, all right, you ready? Close your eyes. God made a tree. The beginning of the Bible is a tree.

And Adam takes a fruit down from that tree. Now, that creates sin. That's our whole lives, right? So what's the way that he could put that fruit back? Well, he can't put it back because he ate him. He ate the fruit, right? So the only way for him to put the fruit back would be for him to put himself back on the tree and that's why jesus the last adam put himself up on a tree don't you see and then christian goes yeah i do whoa well first of all we have to talk about the

pattern of crit because this is what happens there. If I may now take Christian's role and you be Kirk Cameron, this is the beginning of every discussion at this thing. Okay, well, hey, Kirk, what about Christmas trees? Oh, where is that? Is that in Leviticus? Is that in Corinthians? Is that in Numbers? Oh, look, I'm closing my eyes. Oh, I'm closing my eyes.

If you ever talk to me that way, I'm like, hey, man, fuck you. Right. Well ever talk to me that way, I'd be like, hey, man, fuck you. Don't talk to me that way. I was going to suck your dick in this SUV, but now... It's the most... Each thing is like, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, I don't remember. Oh, it's Christmas trees in there? Oh, I forgot

that. Is he hiding in the background? Is there a Christmas tree underneath? Is it up to Jesus' ass? Does he spread his cheeks and there's a Christmas tree sitting there? It's so weirdly aggressive. And after Kirk Cameron says these nonsense sentences, listen to the words I just said. They were a fairly good summary. After he says that nonsense, Christian acts like he just took the blue pill in the goddamn Matrix. He's like, whoa, you got to put the blue pill and the goddamn matrix he's like whoa you gotta put the fruit

back on the tree and the right is jesus jesus is made out of fruit and at the end of the christmas tree thing he goes when you're in a christmas tree lot I want to want you to see Christmas trees. I want you to see yourself surrounded by hundreds of crosses. And this is the voiceover over the image of a girl who's just seeing like a light pole who looks up and there's this glowing cross. And then she runs to go like, tell the message, which is also part of it. He's like,

run and tell the message. The Christmas tree tells the message, which means that little girl runs to her parents and she's like, don't you see? This whole lot is just a bunch of crucifixes! And then I just want to flash forward to ten years later where she's like, crucifixes! Gotta put them back up

on the fruit! Fruit on the tree! Alright, take your medicine, Ashley. Christmas trees! Roll around! Don't you see? Don't you see the hundreds of crucifixes built into every tree? Sure do, hon. Happy Thanksgiving, kiddo.

Now, like I said, there were three main arguments that led to these little weird flashback sequences. The first was the manger. The second was the Christmas tree sequence. The third was the greatest moment in all of history, known and unknown, on this planet and others. It's when he started making

the elf worship argument and asked, where in the Bible is Santa? And Kirk Cameron actually says, okay, I want you to think of this Lord of the Rings-y. That's the actual goddamn line. And he goes, now listen. Because he doesn't just say, I want you to think of this Lord of the Rings-y.

He goes, now listen. This story is actually about a bunch of guys in robes and hats. Boring, right? So I want you to picture it Lord of the Rings-y. That's boring, right? So I want you to picture it, Lords of Ringsy, which means this story actually is about a conversation between two people during a papal council. But I'm going to just make shit up because it's more fun for me.

And indeed he does. Remember the people at the beginning of the movie who we were like, who the fuck are these people? We get to see that scene again because we did something terrible in a past life. And he's like, he's here. And he tells the story of the,

uh, the Nia sin council. They see it. Yeah. Yeah. Nia sin council where they talked about the divinity of Christ. And okay. So we got to clarify what the real story is versus what he tells this story. The real story is that Nicholas is pretty much universally considered schizophrenic,

who's got a bunch of money from his dead parents and walks around being like, would you like some shoes? And that's great. For whatever reason, this guy gets invited to the council. One of the members there is arguing against the divinity of Christ. He runs over and he like slaps him. And he's like, okay, throw that motherfucker out of here. Get out of here.

And then later on they're like, you know, violence is actually pretty great. Yeah, he's a saint now. Everyone's a saint. Everyone gets one. We got a bunch of them. Build a statue of him. Who gives a shit but what kirk cameron turns this into oh god is this guy sitting in an inn who's like he's mouthing the

words think for yourself which i just loved i love that just like oh how dare he think for yourself and then santa who looks like a homeless person. Everyone else in this world, even though it's supposed to be Lord of the Rings, he's wearing nice white clothes. He looks like a homeless person. He's draped in string and like robes. He's got a big shepherd's crook wrapped in red cloth.

And he puts it down on the table in front of him like the gun from Shane. Pick it up. Pick up the brook. I don't want him, mister. I'm just here for some gingham from my wife. Pick up the brook. Oh, God.

And then he quoted the Bible the fuck out of that guy. Yeah, he goes, in the beginning, there was word, word was God, God, any word, word. And which is nonsense. And then and then he goes and then he smote him on the cheek. At which point dubstep starts to play. And he beats this guy to death with a cane. Yeah, it's like. Yes.

It's like... As Santa of Nordopolis, son of Gloin, wielder of the reforged Crozier of Doom, in slow motion, beats him to death like a zombie sequence from above.

So he beats a man to death and he's spattered in blood. He's spattered in blood. He goes back to the inn and she goes, the girl from the beginning goes, did you get that out of your system? He goes, yes.

Now, let's give away some presents. Yeah, he does. And I'm like, what? Just like blood and then blood drenched just walking through the city. Don't disagree with me or I'll kill you with a stick. This movie contained a lot of the weirdest fucking things i ever saw is up to and including the bizarre let's just call it finale of the film when uh when christian is suddenly re-energized and wants to love christmas once more. Yeah. And by the way, the way he proves that is he throws open the door.

Everyone turns to him. And they're like, oh, look, Christian's here. And then he throws himself on the ground. While he's on the ground, he has the Kaiser Soze moment where he's like,

oh, I get it. The presence of the buildings in the city of God. And the tree, the triangle, triangles upside down to the Star of David. And the soldiers, the triangle. Triangles upside down to the Star of David. And the soldiers, the toy soldiers, which are from the Nutcracker, which is a book written by a... Oh, don't even get me started.

Anyway, the toy soldiers are the soldiers of Herod. And these Christmas baubles, if you turn them upside down and smash them together, they're boobs. Like Mary's boobs. Turn them inside out. Then the nipples are inside out. You can suck them from the inside. When you squeeze your eyes closed real tight, you cry milk.

I get it now. And this all happens, we believe, in like a fraction of a second while he's thrown himself on the ground. And he's lying there hurt because he hurts himself on a hard floor. Which, of course, the black sassy character reacts to

by being like, Slippity bop, rip it open your back. Which, of course, the black sassy character reacts to by being like, If I have a party and someone walks back into the room after leaving and throws themselves on the ground and be like, You okay? That's the first question you ask someone when they throw themselves on the ground and Kaiser Soze around on their back. And then we get a little Bollywood dance sequence to close it out. And I almost thought to myself, as it's setting up for this dance sequence, that, okay, well, maybe they feel like

they needed some kind of professional, you know, production value or something. So they brought in some professional dancers. But nope, it was just the kids from the church. Nope, it is definitely not. It is the saddest dance sequence I've ever seen in my entire life. It's so sad. There's like, everyone's just like 10 or 15 pounds too heavy.

And it's obviously they all are in the same like Christian hip-hop class. Because none of the dance moves are too sexy. And that's another thing too. It's all a lot of like arms and left and right and smile. No one can dance. No one. They hired one Asian guy who's obviously like Asian Baptist. And he does a backflip.

That's it. And that's it. Kirk Cameron does the worm. Kirk Cameron does half the worm. They have to cut away. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Slow- worm. Kirk Cameron does half the worm. They have to cut away. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Slow-mo.

He started to do the worm. They cut away because you know he fell down and he was like, Jesus wanted me to. Pride goes before the fall. Shoot it again. It's absolutely, it's the most depressing. If there's a Christian hell, it's just me watching that dance sequence

over and over again. It's just like, everyone's moving their mouths. It's the least professional dance sequence. I did an imitation of it in the thing. I stood up again, me and my three friends, and I just danced. And I was as good as everyone on the screen. I stood up again, me and my three friends, and I just danced.

And I was as good as everyone on the screen. I was just like, clap my hands and boom, let's go. Dance and run. Do the sprinkler. Oh, my God. It was so bad. And then just to cap off how goddamn campy this whole thing was, at the end of that sequence, Kirk Cameron leaps in front of a big crowd of people, throws both of his arms out, and

says, let's feast so that we can end this movie with a slow-motion look at white people eating. All right, well, my fear here is that we may never find a worse Christian film to review, but damn it if we're not going to hunt for one out there. Eli, thanks so much for suffering through this for us. I'll go see this movie. Thanks for having me, guys.

Amos in Rhyme. I wrote a poem for Amos, and it was all but the same as the poem that I wrote for Hosea. The two are identical, neither poignant nor sensible, just a moderately different soothsayer, so I deleted that file, and I thought for a while as I reread that pile of elephant bile, and with my brain plenty racked, I took a new tack at a rhyme for that bullshit purveyor. So I wrote a new poem for Amos, but it was as lame as the last one that I'd just deleted. It was exactly like Daniel, and if you're really a fan, you'll hear that one and think that I cheated, so I erased that one too and walked off for a few as I thought of a new type of rhyme I could do, then returned to my desk and sat statuesque until I found a new way I could treat

it. So I wrote a third poem for Amos, but like some ignoramus, I realized as I re-read it, it was Isaiah rewritten because all the shit in both books was the same, to my credit. So now for a third time I scrapped every word and depressed and deterred, the whole process recurred, I pulled out my chair and a bit of my hair and sat down for one final re-edit. So I wrote my last poem for Amos, and it's really a shame as each trial is like pulling a tooth. But when the absurdity of this process occurred to me, I decided to just tell the truth. All these books are so trite, so I suppose that I might as well simply cite that there's nothing to write, but if you're paying attention, I'm sure that you'll mention

that's exactly what I did for Ruth. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that connects the bit with Eli to the outro. Our first message comes from Dale, who usually likes the show and wants to continue to like it, provided we're certain that we're not Nazis. Dale's concerns stem from a throwaway joke we made in last week's show during the Ask an Atheist discussion. Right, right. Yeah, we were talking about a student who was spewing the whole Hitler equals atheist nonsense, and Heath made some comment about how all of those comparisons give National Socialism a bad name,

to which I agreed by pointing out that at least it's an ethos. And like many of the discussions in this show, it made absolutely no sense at all if you're not familiar with pretty much every line from the Coen Brothers' 1998 cult classic, The Big Lebowski. Right. But just to clarify, no, we're not Nazis, and yes, we're sure. Yeah. It was just a movie reference. And speaking of clarifying, we also got an email from Dion who wanted some specificity about last week's diatribe.

I was talking about people who are inclined to apologize for Islamic violence, always using Indonesia as an example. Dion responded by sending along plenty of links to show what a misogynistic and oppressive shithole Indonesia is. So I just want to be clear that I wasn't implying that Indonesia doesn't suck and it's some anomalous Muslim nation that somehow avoids all the crappy stuff that goes with Muslimness. I mean, Lucinda could do this day in misogyny, limiting herself to no other geographical station. I mean, Lucinda could do this day in Misogy limiting herself to no other geographical station. The reason I brought it up and the reason that all these apologists like to bring it up is because it actually does have an extremely low rate of murder and violent crime. But, you know, boy, so did Genghis Khan's empire. So that doesn't really necessarily mean much. And we also need to thank Kent from Oregon for sending us a link to yet another asinine thing that happened recently involving Kurt Schilling.

Apparently one of his sons owns a fake grenade, which is ridiculous already, had it in his luggage at Logan Airport in Boston and decided to announce, I've got a fake grenade in my bag while waiting on the security line. So some DS employee hears this and, son of a bitch, now we have to do this whole procedure. Shut down the whole airport, move everyone away from the bag, and call the bomb squad just to be sure it is indeed a case of the least responsible parent ever and not an actual explosive device. So yeah, look out, Palins and Duggars.

The shillings are moving in. Also wanted to thank Paul, who, after listening to the headlines in episode 92, politely reminded me of Rule 34, and then forwarded me some VeggieTale porn. So thank you for that. Which means 24-carat gold members might actually exist, might already be out there. And it also means that it's time for our top ten for the week. VeggieTales-themed porn titles. But real quick before we start, just a quick disclaimer.

Looks like we already got several emails from pedantic botanists pre-correcting us just in case we suggest tomatoes, corn, green peppers, and cucumbers are vegetables. Well, you know what? I'm going to out-pedant them. We'll be using the culinary rather than the botanical definition of vegetables. Well, Blaser, excellent. So, using the culinary paradigm, here's our top ten VeggieTales porn title ideas. All right, number ten, Cucumberlingus, working the gherkin.

Number nine, the unbearable tightness of bean, growing a third leg goom. Nice. Nice little shout out to Don from the GSU SSA on that one. Number eight, Kali DeFlower, dressing on the side. Number seven, tossing the potato salad and fingerling the brown eyes. Number six, I guess if you wanted to be seasonal, you could jack your lantern to some pumpkin blumpkins. Number five. The genetically modified organ grinder.

Show me your GMO face. Nice. I guess you could always artichoke your chicken to number four. How about gourds gone wild? Number three. Which would really actually be pretty sexy if you had women in it, too. I just wanted to

work that out. Depends on which end they're using, which side. Number three. Angiosperms. The cream of the crop. Number two.

Sodom and the Flora. Taking it in the asparagus. And number one. Porn on the cob. Vertical smiles from ear to ear. Nice. And if anybody, porn on the cob. Vertical smiles from ear to ear. Nice.

And if anybody was curious, by the way, we've got a moratorium on mung jokes at the moment in case anybody was wondering where the mung bean love was in that segment. And that's all

the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and whatnot. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

Obadiah in rhyme there once was this dude Obadiah whose predictions were morbid and dire God was so pissed at Edom that he chose not to feed him and instead set those fuckers on fire before we top off the tank tonight I wanted to remind everybody that atheists can still buy Christmas presents for each other, especially if those presents are paperback copies of Diatribes Volume 1, 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope, which you can pick up by following a handy link on our website. We're edging up on Volume 2, so be sure to catch up with the first one so you won't get lost during the sequel. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be sure to check us out on Facebook and Twitter. Of course, I need to thank Heath for managing to accelerate his hilarity a bit this week. I also want to thank him for losing to me at Fantasy Football last weekend, thus keeping my slim playoff hopes alive. I'll be taking on Carl from the Post-Rapture Looting Podcast this week, and one of us will basically end the other one's season. So, Carl, if you're listening, whatever you do, don't get all stressed out and put in the wrong quarterback again.

Wouldn't want that. Now, obviously, I also need to thank Lucinda for gracing us with a lovely lilt of her voice once again. We were in a pinch all week to get this episode out on time, so she had to take a brief hiatus from this week in misogyny, but fear not, she will be back with a vengeance in episode 94, and I honestly don't think I could thank Eli enough for all the horrible shit he's endured for our entertainment this year, but I'm going to try anyway.

He watched Saving Christmas twice, which by itself outranks anything Jesus ever did when it came to suffering. So, Eli, thanks a ton. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's paragons of carbon-based life, Brennan, Jeff, Juan, Andrew, Rick, Brad, Kevin, Richard, Sarah, Stephen, Scott, and Wayne. Brennan, Jeff, Juan, and Andrew, whose ejaculations are so powerful the Weather Channel names them. Rick, Brad, Kevin, and Richard, whose erections stand so tall Old Testament God takes issue with them. And Sarah, Stephen, Scott, and Wayne, whose intellects are so vast that Google asks them shit. Together, these 12 momentous, stupendous, relentless, tremendous, independent ascendants

have been rather generous this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the lightning-fast reflexes and superior genitals it takes to give us money, but if you think you could kill a ninja with your dick, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, where you can get longer episodes earlier for as little as $1 per week, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of our homepage. And if you'd like to help, but all this ninja- wielding and money donating doesn't sound like your cup of tea, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes, sharing the show on your social media pages and telling a friend about it who isn't likely to respond by trying to save your

soul. Oh, and if you made a recent donation to the show and you feel that your genitals and or intellect should have been complimented and weren't, I just want to remind you that we recorded a bit early this week. So if I missed you, I promise to make up for it next week. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly,

and yes, I did have my permission. Sorry, I didn't do the little countdown fisty thing. Sorry, I didn't do the little countdown fisty thing. Sorry I didn't do the fisty thing. I know you like it when I do the fisty thing. That's how we start every show. That is. And that is how I'm going to end this particular show because I'm the one doing the fisty thing,

not having in this particular show. Well, you're the fisty. That's correct. See, but I'm also one doing the fisty thing, not having in this particular. Well, you're the fisty. That's that's correct. See, but I'm also the editor. I don't have to let that in. Last note contest. Well, I'm going to now. Funny, but shit.

Damn you.