The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 94: Reakes of Semen Edition

Episode Date: December 4, 2014

In this week's episode Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast will join us to talk about a pastor whose fascination with sperm blew up in his face, we'll learn that both McDonalds and church can get worse, and Lucinda will join us as the Bible finally jumps the great fish.

Warning, this episode climaxes with an explosion of sperm jokes, which makes that sperm joke premature. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of fashionable body shrouds for Muslim women, Coran Taylor Burkaloft. Are you a strong, successful, career-oriented woman, except the exact opposite because you live in a Muslim theocracy? Embarrassed about wearing that ill-fitted generic black sheet? Want to stand out in the crowd when you're occasionally permitted in public? Well, too bad. Koran Taylor Berkeloft.

One size slits all. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hello, this is Regula from Zurich, Switzerland. I'm here to tell you that if you look at the people who live in some of the more secluded alpine valleys in my country, you will be convinced that they, like me, evolved from filthy, dirty monkey men. It's the year's day. It's December 4th.

And a Muslim person never gave me 2.5% of their money because I'm poor. Not even once. Not anybody. I know. They only have five commandments, and that's one of them. Never take that. I'm Noah Lusion. I'm Heath Enright.

And from I seen a Jew once, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. In this week's episode, Adam Riggs will join us to talk about a pastor whose fascination with sperm blew up in his face. Nepal murders goats, we have proof. And Lucinda will join us as the Bible finally jumps the great fish. But first, the diatribe. Like many of you, I spent most of my Thanksgiving weekend actively avoiding the subject of religion, and again, like many of you, I failed. Now, it only came up once, and during that conversation, I think I realized for the first time how difficult it really is

to insulate oneself from reality. So the conversation starts innocently enough. Commercial comes on for Ridley Scott's new Exodus movie, and I made a comment that I was really excited to see it. You know, say what you will about the Bible, but it's as good a place as any to find mythological inspiration, and the movie looks pretty awesome. So my brother and his wife thought it odd that the atheist would want to see a movie about Moses,

and then I pointed out their son was wearing a Thor t-shirt at that moment, but they didn't seem to catch the connection. Anyway, my sister-in-law agreed that she was tepidly optimistic about the film, but after hearing that Scott provided a, gasp, scientific explanation for the parting of the Red Sea, she had her doubts. So, while I'm recovering from the use of the Red Sea. She had her doubts. So while I'm recovering from the use of the term scientific explanation in reference to the guy who made Prometheus, my sister jumps in, takes the opportunity to launch into this convoluted secular explanation for how the Exodus

might have happened. Now you may have heard this one before, but in case you haven't, the let's call it theory goes like this. Some kind of bacteria gets into the Nile, turns the water red, that scares out all the frogs, the frogs come into town and die, that brings the gnats and the flies, the gnats and the flies bring the pestilence, the pestilence brings the dead kids. Anyway, it's all this creative post hoc rationalization, and it's kind of cool or whatever, but it's a hell of a lot more complicated than the actual answer, which is none of that shit ever happened. As I found myself reluctantly explaining in the moment, there's no evidence whatsoever that Jews were ever slaves in Egypt

at any point in history. There's no evidence of a massive exodus of Jews, slaves, or Jewish slaves from Egypt. There's no artifacts in the desert that suggest a massive nomadic tribe of Jews was wandering around at that time. There are no contemporary records of a giant Jewish migration. There's no evidence of any of the plagues. There's no Egyptian record of anything mentioned in the Bible.

The Bible gets the names of the fucking pharaohs wrong. The Exodus doesn't need a scientific explanation anymore than Horton hears a who. And of course, as I'm explaining all of this, the response is to call all of historical method into question. Of course, this draws my little sister, herself a history professor, into the conversation to defend the fact that, yes, indeed, there are no credible historians anywhere on Earth that would suggest that the exodus was even remotely based on true events. And, of course, in light of the authority and verifiability of this assertion,

all of my religious family members changed their minds, adjusted their worldviews to be in accordance with well-established fact, and we went on to have a lovely meal of braised unicorn with minced muppet glaze because of fuck, of course they didn't change their minds. Instead, they continued to argue with anything and everything, including the fundamental precepts of epistemology. They concocted explanations more convoluted than the apologetics that you hear from people who liked the last episode of Lost, and when all of that failed,

they got angry. Now consider that anger for a second. What are they mad at? In an effort to protect the fragile scaffolding of their faith, they're getting mad at history. They're upset at the chronological series of events that lead to now. They're angry at antiquity for not having played out in the way most conducive to their preferred brand of stupidity. And, of course, history is far from the only academic discipline that pisses them off.

Astronomy, biology, archaeology, physics, geology. Common fucking sense. They throw them all under the bus at a moment's notice if they threaten to pop the Jesus bubble. Their very ability to interact with and understand the world around them is limited by the boundaries of their willful ignorance. And more than any one thing, I think that that was the impetus for my disbelief. You know, people often ask me when I became an atheist or what happened to make me stop believing. And generally, I don't have a good answer because becoming an atheist isn't like turning into a werewolf or something. It happens slowly. It happens over time. And there's usually no clear line of demarcation where I'm a believer on one side and an atheist on the other.

But if I had to pick a moment and call it the beginning of my atheism, it would be the first time I ever encountered that religious resistance to free inquiry. I was maybe eight years old or whatever. We're at the library, and my mom refuses to allow me to check out a book about witchcraft. Now, I was into all forms of mythology at that time, and I didn't understand why the hell any particular kind of mythology should be off-limits, or why any information should be off-limits. And the seed of doubt was planted right there. I realized that basically there are two groups of people both purporting to tell the truth.

One group encourages you to doubt them, check them out, and learn about everything. The other group tells you to shut up, ignore everyone else, and never question their authority. One need know nothing but that to determine which one of them is full of shit. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to be a sex machine to all the chicks?

Damn right. In our lead story tonight, they say that Hindu goddess is one bad mother. Shut your mouth. Fucker. Well, yeah, I don't care about that, but it's just my week to start with. So anyway, in our lead story tonight, the world's largest religious mass slaughter took place in Nepal over the weekend, wherein an estimated quarter million goats, roosters, and buffaloes were clumsily hacked to death by zealots in an effort to win magical wishes from the Hindu goddess Charles Manson.

This quinquennial tradition is among the most cruel and disgusting displays of religious idiocy in the world, and I say that knowing full well just how bad Kirk Cameron's saving Christmas really was. It was terrible. So did it work, though? The slaughtering? Is Nepal doing great now? The goddess of power? Well, they wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't work, would they?

Obviously. So it was a righteous, perfectly humane mass slaughtering, as you'd expect from religious people? Apparently the procedure calls for about 400 people to stand in an enclosed pen with a bunch of machetes and a thousand-plus baby buffaloes and start hacking away until there's nothing moving. And then they switch to the goats. See, okay, that's just bad staging. I mean, you open with the goats, murdering the baby buffaloes, that's your closer, obviously.

These guys can't even orchestrate a mass murder show, right? What's your amateurs? Yes, they suck. And from the Circuit Breakin' 2 Electric Joogaloo file tonight. The Police Department of Lakewood, New Jersey has been gracious enough to protect and serve the entire population of the township, which includes approximately 60,000 Orthodox Jewish people, mostly of the ultra-Orthodox Haredi persuasion, whose tax evasion and related shenanigans defund the department budget and also effectively bankrupted the local public school district last year that was nice yeah well it turns out this

particular community didn't feel they were getting their zero dollars worth so they've also been enlisting police assistants with stupid little tasks like flicking light switches replacing batteries and other such ridiculous forbidden stuff they can't do on the sabbath because right terrified of the guy in this we. We should be perfectly clear here. They're not calling 911 and asking them to send out a light switch jockey because they're also not allowed to make phone calls. That's the reason they don't do that. So when they want their lights out during the Sabbath,

they simply wander the streets until they find a police officer, and then they ask her to come back and perform the forbidden flick, which takes longer than you'd think since there are about 59,999 other local Jews whose kitchens are dimming at pretty much the same time and only so many on-duty goyim. So, you know, it's a good thing there's no crime in New Jersey, or this would be a psychotic misappropriation of public resources. Yeah, that would be a disaster. I'd also like to add, this ridiculous job exists, and the Jews already have a name for it.

They do. do it's not police officer it's called sabbath goy which is basically hebrew for already hellbound saturday bitch right and they pay this heathenist gentile to break all of god's rules for them apparently they think if they don't actually hand the money to this person until an hour after sundown on saturday somehow they're not breaking the no transactions rule, nor will they get in trouble for financing a day of sins because, again, God's that easy to dupe. You just do these bullshit indirect loop holes. Their God is so fucking stupid.

As if those hats didn't make them hard enough to take seriously. You have to also deal with that incredibly dumbass God they've got. The Jews really get God, don't they? Right. Maybe they'd like the police to build them a high place out of bacon and bring some foreigners for them to fuck. What could go wrong? There's nothing

in the book about that, is there? I'm sorry, I don't want to overanalyze your joke, but biblically speaking there's nothing wrong with fucking foreigners. You can't marry them, but as long as you're massacring their city and they aren't willing participants, it's okay to fuck them. As long as you don't get the consent. Right, exactly.

Sometimes they're fine, but there's a process and it's not epic. Not with Canaanites. And from the Freedom of Preach file, we've got the story of Michael Leal, a high school student in Everett, Washington, who's suing after being suspended from school for being an unapologetically douchey Bible thumper. According to Leal, quote, There's people that talk about many other things, football, basketball, baseball, but when I start talking about the Bible, people get riled up, end quote.

And in his defense, you know, what's the difference between a couple of buddies talking about baseball and a fire and brimstone zealot screaming about Jesus through a megaphone at a school dance? Well, hold on, hold on. Was he screaming through a megaphone at a school dance about Jesus, like, like obtrusively? Or, you know, like, in a helpful way. You know, the article didn't say. Now, look, it's true that students have a right to free speech,

but it's also true that the school is allowed to set up reasonable standards. Reasonable standards. Good luck talking to the Christians about reasonable standards. Right, right, yeah. Well, that's what the school is learning at the point of a lawyer right now. Now, among the standards is a rule against disrupting class, which is probably applicable here, since at least one of the three times he was suspended for this shit, it was for handing out pamphlets during math class. And by the way, funny how no conservative lawyers ever stand up to defend anybody's First Amendment rights to say,

do you like me? Check this box. Who says maybe there? What does that even mean? We're in middle school. What does that even mean? We're in middle school. How do I? If I'm lucky, it's just a tip. And of course, the school also has a rule against showing up at the school function with a megaphone and yelling about how all the sinners are going to burn in hell for dancing.

Okay, so I'm all about the anti-bullying stuff. It's a good philosophy, what they're doing. But, okay, so here's where it comes at a cost. This wouldn't have happened. Back when I went to school, this kid shows up at a dance, preaching into a megaphone like a lunatic. The bully punches the kid in the face once, the kid starts crying, and he leaves with that megaphone around his head

like a dog leaving the vet. We're all, it's like, win, win, win, win, lose. Pluses and minuses, but mostly wins. It's like how the mafia is nice for a town. Except once in a while, the shakedown and murder victims don't deserve it. So generally, generally good. You got to take it.

And by the way, everything he says is sarcastic. Just assume it's sarcastic when not otherwise noted. Except for the dog with the head thing. I want the kid definitely leaving with the megaphone. That was not sarcastic at all. So even sometimes when it is otherwise noted. Except for the dog with the head thing, I want the kid definitely leaving with the megaphone with the head. That was not sarcastic at all. So even sometimes when it is otherwise noted. Now, while the school can't legally make any

public comment about it, plenty of Leal's classmates have taken to the internets to comment on the school's behalf, and the essence of their message is near, as I can tell, is, that kid is a crazy fucker that's eventually going to make a fat guy eat to death just to fuck up Morgan Freeman's retirement. But of course, according to Leal's attorney, he never disrupted any classes,

he complied with all the rules, he won't come in your mouth, and he only drove his servants to church on Sunday. And finally tonight, from the I'm Grimacing Already file, three area friends didn't have enough money to buy a McDonald's franchise, so they decided to start what they're calling the McMass Project, hoping to crowdsource $1 million in venture capital on Indiegogo.com so they can build a Jesus-themed Mickey D's in one of the many abandoned churches in the Philadelphia region. Well, that seems like a great idea.

It's about damn time. It's about time to franchise the cannibalism, so they're doing it. It's about damn time. It's about time to franchise the cannibalism. Exactly. So they're doing it. And in response to this ridiculous news, a spokesman from the real service restaurant industry said, quote, yes, please make this happen. Please feed them after church. Keep those people the fuck out of real restaurants on Sunday afternoon.

Please and thank you. End quote. From the entire service industry. Yeah, right, right. That's one silver lining. Another is that, you know, give them four or five years of doing this, and they'll be giving you those wine things like 44 ounces at a time. So just in case anyone's curious how they're doing so far with the Jesus Burger campaign,

in just three weeks, they've already raised $242. They've already raised $242, and they still have until mid-January to raise the remaining $999,758. So I don't feel like doing any more math than I just did, but I'd say it's safe to assume they're probably just about to hit the goal, maybe before mid-January. Which means the smart money says we better brainstorm some ideas for this burgeoning eatery worship market. 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for religious-themed fast food chains. Go. All right. All right.

How about INRI Hop? Because Christianity is full of crepes. How about Mickey Diest? If you don't like the McRib, fuck it. Just build a woman. And then fuck it. How about the Olive Garden of Eden? Because the Applebee's is forbidden.

That, of course, led to the original Sin and Out Burger. I'd eat there. A.K.A. I love Lucy Fur Burgers. I do eat there. Okay, so I know we did Christian Pizza Places a couple of weeks ago, but but I forgot to use Chucky Jesus, so I'm going to use that now. Hold on, how about Hell's Bell's Infidel Taco? Nice. Gracias, senor. Yo quiero una masque.

Yes, you may have another, but not until this 30-second spit is over. Anyway, all right, so we're switching to Muslims. I will do acid attack in the box. That's mean. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll stop making those jokes when they stop throwing acid on innocent women's faces. That's mean, too. All right, I'm switching over to Eastern religion.

What about way of the bun? Charming mouse, cow, towel, and chow. Bun with everything. Yeah, exactly. How about Ponderosa Crucians? Because once every 94 episodes or so, we should make fun of Rosicrucians. All right, what about Jamba Juice? Blending with ices since Exodus.

And of course, on behalf of the local Baptist population, I'd like to suggest the Inbredred lobster, where even the customers have claws. How about KKKFC? We do Christian right. Well, yeah, I guess Kentucky's good, but you have to go to the deep south if you want to get real crucifried chicken. I know this stuff is. All right, I'm going to get fancy. Ready for a Von Agusian Muslim burger joint religious joke?

I was born ready for a Von Agusian Muslim burger joint joke, sir. About Slaughterhouse Five Pillars. Two halabi patties, Allah's boss, prayers and peace, Macabonians. Now fast for a month, it's fun. Oh, dude, well done. Well done. The joke per second ratio on that one was amazing. Prayers and peace, Macabonians. Now fast for a month, it's fun. Oh, dude, well done. Well done. The joke per second ratio on that one was amazing. $90,000, bars, beers, mac and bunnies.

Now fast for a month, it's fun. Anything I added would be a disappointment, so I guess we can just close the headlines there. Heath, thanks as always. Do much. And when we come back, Adam Riggs from The Herd Mentality will be here to put our American accents to shame. A man wrote the Bible.

A horse was smart. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. After five months, I realized that doing this segment is starting to change me a bit. When it came time last Thursday to talk about what I was thankful for,

the first thing that popped into my head was all the incredibly fucked up countries I'm thankful that I don't live in. Of course, foremost on that I don't live in. Of course, foremost on that list is always Saudi Arabia. And I was reminded last week of why when astute listener Doug forwarded me a story about a diner that had recently banned single women from dining there so that, quote, the restaurant is not shut down because of the misbehavior of an adolescent or mentally unstable woman, end quote. By mentally unstable, I thought maybe he meant hasn't risked life and limb to get the fuck out of Saudi Arabia, but he went on to detail the mentally unstable behaviors he had in mind, like smoking, flirting, or even talking. I should note that things might be getting a little bit better in Saudi Arabia, but that's

like saying a tumor is a little less malignant today. Next year, Saudi women will, for the first time, be eligible to vote in local elections and even hold very unimportant elected offices. Hell, perhaps one day they'll be as progressive as Indonesia, where women can even be police officers, provided that they're unmarried and virgins. Go ahead, ask me how they find out if they're virgins.

Seriously. Yes, it's as bad as you think it is. While the government officials claim that tactile hymen integrity exam was abolished years ago, investigators with Human Rights Watch say they had no trouble finding female officers who were subjected to this humiliating perversity as recently as this year. So yeah, all things considered, I'm damn glad I don't live in a Muslim country. But even the more progressive nations don't get off the hook here.

Take, for example, British radio host Nick Conrad, who came to the defense of a convicted rapist by explaining that, quote, if you yank a dog's tail, then don't be surprised when it bites you. End quote. He went on to explain that men sometimes just can't help but rape women because

sometimes they really really want to ejaculate in them he later of course apologized for the remarks and any offense that may have been caused but when he did it he spelled offense with a c so it didn't really count for americans that were offended like myself so nick apology not accepted and fuck you that's not all the misogyny I have for you this week, but I'm going to go ahead and close it there anyway. I need to hold on to a bit of my feminine outrage for this week's Holy Babble. Until next time. Very happy to welcome back my next guest.

Adam Reeks is the producer and host of the Herd Mentality podcast. He rocks that sexy Australian accent that my wife asks me to fake during foreplay. And now he has tied Thomas from Thomas and the Bible as the second most off-recurring guest on our show. Adam, welcome back. Thank you. Is it Noah Ludgens? Something like that, yeah. Is that how you pronounce it?

Yes. Now, the reason that I invited you on today was to respond to a recent video filled with accusations against your character. But before we get to that, I want to set up the backstory. So we've talked about Pastor David J. Manning of Atla World Ministries a number of times on this show. But for those people who don't recognize the name, tell us, who is Pastor Manning and how did he first come to your attention? Well, he's a semen enthusiast. That he is. Indeed he is. He appears quite regularly, from what I can tell, on rightwingwatch.org. And this is a wonderful place to find Pastor Manning and other semen enthusiasts. It came to my attention because it was the perfect material to splice up and do a false interview.

Right. We covered this exact rant of his on this show. It actually even devoted a 30 seconds on the clock bit to it. This was when he accused Starbucks of spiking their lattes with semen. And, of course, you do a little mock interview at the beginning of each of your episodes. Manning was the unwitting victim of one such interview. So let's give that interview with Pastor Manning a quick listen. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Herd Mentality. And today I have a very special guest. Me? I'm James David Manning, everybody. I'm the Lord's servant. So excited to have you on. Now, firstly, let's discuss your credentials.

You are? A homosexual sodomite. Whoa, I wasn't expecting that. Aren't you friends with Ray Comfort? Who is a sodomite. That's probably not quite right. No, this is the absolute truth. Okay then. Now, you've been in the media recently. What else? Gay Star News, I think was one. And they wrote an accurate article about what it is that you do. They said that this church is a hate church and that I'm a hate preacher.

Now, before we begin, can I offer you a coffee? There was a big article about an investigation into Starbucks using male semen. Ah, well I'll have mine black. Now I know why I go to Starbucks. And now I know why I avoid it. So my question is where are they getting all this semen from? That's a great question, James. Are you involved?

Don't stutter because we'll know that you're implicated in the supply chain. I, you know, my suspicion is that they're getting this semen from sodomites. Hmm, sounds like you're involved. Tell me, what exactly is semen? My suspicion is, is

that semen has the opportunity and it has millions and millions of little zygotes in it. Zygotes in semen has the opportunity and it has millions and millions of little zygotes in it. Zygotes in semen? This is even more serious than I thought. You ever go to the doctor and he tells you that, well, I don't want to go there. Well, don't go there. And you bring back the cup.

I said don't go there. But the deal is, is there. You're going there. What Starbucks was doing is that they were taking specimens of male semen. Stop. And they were putting it in the blends of their lattes. You went there. And it flavors up the coffee.

Right. You know what cord blood is? No. Well, I don't have time to tell you if you know what cord blood is. Good. Now, you've kindly provided me with a copy of your afternoon agenda, so let's take a look. 2pm, you're hanging out with you know, untoward types.

With like-minded people at a coffee shop. Starbucks is a place where these types frequent and a lot of body fluids are exchanged there. 3pm, you'll be drinking semen. 3.45. Getting high on the farm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sounds exhausting. You'll be drinking semen. 3.45. Getting high on the farm.

Sounds exhausting. And it makes you think you're having a good time drinking that cup of latte with the semen in it. Wish I could join you. 4 p.m. you'll have been using sexual fluid. To satisfy your. Sodomite propensity. Gosh. I'm not making this up. So there's no secret about it.

You're slipping some of your own testicular extract into your friend's coffees. And so I suppose that they'll be back again and again and again. And why wouldn't they? Well, I guess that you'll be in the media even more now. Because we have stated that Starbucks is ground zero for Ebola. And you wouldn't state this without using facts to back up your claims. That's what my suspicion is. Hmm. James David Manning from Atla World Ministries. Thanks for your time.

I mean, can you imagine? And I believe that they were doing that. You know, Coca-Cola got started, you know, a hundred years ago by using cocaine. Now, there's also a YouTube video that goes with that interview. I shared it on our Facebook page, and I'll link it on the show notes for this episode. I strongly urge everybody to check it out.

Way funnier with the visuals. But it was through that video that Pastor Manning first became aware of you. Yes, I put it up on my YouTube channel, naturally, then tweeted it out. And it would appear that Pastor Manning has tweeted that video out without actually watching it. The story was picked up by the Independent in London, and all of a sudden it came, as it were, onto his radar. And Pastor Manning then decided to launch into a full nine-minute unabridged diatribe, getting quite angry about me and the other sodomites who are involved in splicing pumpkin lattes with semen.

In his response, he made a number of specific accusations. I've pulled a few clips from that video, and I'd like you to answer a few of these allegations, starting with the obvious one. This will be good. So what this Adam Rieck guy did was chopped up my words and had me saying things that I did not say. He redacted, if you will, and edited my video.

So did you, in fact, have him saying things he did not say, Adam? I implied that he meant different things with the words that he did not say, Adam? I implied that he meant different things with the words that he actually did say. Now, that would be the words semen and drinking used in the reverse order to imply that he was indeed gargling some man juice. Yes, and as a follow-up question, did you in fact redact his video?

And also, what the hell does that even mean? I'm not quite sure. Let's just say yes, because I'm willing to go with him on this one. All right, all right. He seems like an honest enough guy. And now this is a bit of a related clip, I guess. They drew a picture of me.

Not a very good likeness. Now, I guess this brings me to a two-part question. First, did you draw a picture of me. Not a very good likeness. Now I guess this brings me to a two part question. First did you draw a picture of him? No that was a stock image actually. The whole system. I'm not an animator. I went and paid some money to a website which allowed me to just put the audio in underneath it.

Alright so now those were just a couple of basic kind of set up questions but these next few really speak to your motivations. The problem is, is that I'm so factual and on point that they cannot resist publicizing what I do. Is that the problem then? Is it his factualness? problem then? Is it his factualness? I'm not sure I can really argue with him there, because on either side of everything he says, there's always some sort of conspiracy theory being flung around. So when he's saying he's factual and on point, to which fact and on what point is he referring? It's very difficult to see through this, Noah. Yeah, well, I will say I can definitely agree that when he speaks, something is being flung around.

Okay, now this is on a related subject. Yeah, I think that they think I'm fascinating. That's what I tell you. And they just love to hear me talk. That's what it is. Adam, do you find Pastor Manning fascinating? Have you ever heard a meditation video, Noah? Yes, I have.

Yeah, this is nothing like that. I put them on when I want to stay up until very, very early hours of the morning to edit them out of context. Now, I do want you to respond to this question that Pastor Manning posed to his listeners. Did you see what I did? Can you believe that they would do that? So can you, in fact, believe that you would do that? Who is they? He seems to think you've got a whole production team going. This is a one-man operation now. I just change hats when I go from the audio software to the video software.

See, much like spicing up a Starbucks latte, it is a one-man job. I have another hat for that as well. I thought that's what you were tweeting me. All right, so now clearly we've just been teasing the penis-related elements of this story, but this next clip really goes to the heart of the issue. But Starbucks really has discovered that sodomites love the taste of semen in their lattes. Now, this seems like a very serious accusation, and I should note that Starbucks has yet to publicly respond to Pastor Manning's assertions here. And now, I know that you don't exactly

speak for Starbucks, but your video implies that you doubt his claim. On what basis? on what basis well evidence any at all claims are made all the time noah and people take lazy people take the path of least resistance it's infuriating this story was a mock story from an onion sort of news site it's called hust Hustlers.com. And they just do news stories, which are deliberately clickbait, really. And this guy's taken at Hook, Lion, and Sinker. I do want to, before I play this next clip, I want to point out that this is actually a full, unadulterated sentence

that Manning actually said in response to your video. Everybody knows that, you know, I said i'm a homo sodomite everybody that i drink semen and so adam does everyone know that he's a homo sodomite to drink semen well they do now if they've seen the video if there if there's any doubt prior to hearing this interview let it uh be known that that is actually a sentence he said because there is no editing that takes place on his end. It just flowed. No, it just flowed. Yeah, a lot of flowing and flinging when he's talking here.

All right, so this next clip speaks to what I think Manning believes to be a related subject. Dracula loves to drink blood. Now, the historical evidence might actually back him up on this one, but I'm curious to get your take. Does Dracula love to drink blood? Can't argue with it. If Dracula were to exist,

he almost certainly would love drinking blood. Why it was pulled into this, well, God only knows. What I love is that he doesn't even seem to think that he needs a reason to go from sodomite to blood drinker like apparently those are just subsets in his mind of of the same thing it does make a refreshing change to not go to the pedophile angle you know all sodomites right okay all right so we're finding finding some spots where we can agree with Pastor Manning.

He's cut them some slack, which is good of him. Nice guy. Yeah. I've just got a few more clips. This is a short one. You know, oral, you know what I mean. Now, the idea that anyone knows what he means might be the least credible accusation that he makes in this entire response. But do you, in fact, know what he means when he says oral er um um? This is why we're spending hours and hours deep processing the claims,

because it seems like we have part of the story now. This is all very hard. And if you have any doubt why Adam is confused, of course, this next clip will help to clear that up. So you say I am off my rocker by suggesting that Starbucks has found a way to have sex in public for $9 a hit? So do you say that he's off his rocker for suggesting that? Well, that answer is invariably yes however what qualifies as sex in public now to you i would think at some point uh you have to insert your your penis and something for it to count as sex in public i think that's the minimum or even some self-abuse whereas this really qualifies as neither no no, no, it does not. So he may indeed be off his rocker.

Now, that brings us to this last clip, and it's the longest and probably the most insane, but I wanted to include this one, lest anyone in the audience thinks that I'm just taking short little snippets that make him sound crazier than he actually is. So finally, we get to this very, let's call it, serious allegation. And you were retort, man, you can't be serious about this. I'm as serious as Coca-Cola was with putting cocaine in their early drinks

and now making a synthetic cocaine where the synthetic formula is locked away in a vault in Atlanta. And the drug dealers from down in columbia uh south america wants to get that formula because it's better than the real cocaine so in your professional opinion could he possibly be serious about that fucking accusation well again that's a very good that's a very good point he says he is serious he this. I have no reason to doubt his word. I do doubt the claim he's making. That's a pretty easy one to doubt. Yeah. So if you could try to dive into the Pastor Manning epistemology and tell me, for a guy like that, how do you figure he decides what is and is not true? What gets you hits on youtube i think you may be onto his secret right there

he's an alex jones with a religious angle and these guys are really really difficult to work out if you're good at being crazy you don't have to be good at verifying facts or checking any stories. You can become quite successful at it, as he has demonstrated here. I've got to say, if there's good money in crazy, it's a damn shame that we're doing what we're doing, because crazy's got to be a lot easier. It does. The padded cells are certainly more comfortable than the cardboard boxes you and I sleep in. Exactly. All right, now before I let you go, I wanted to let everybody know that you did, of course, make a rebuttal video in a similar vein to the first,

which I'll also be linking in the show notes, with the desperate hope that Pastor Manning ups the ante and gives you yet another cornucopia of insanity to play with. And, of course, you can hear more from Adam on the Herd Mentality podcast, which you'll also find linked on the show notes. Some of the best editing and production quality in the business, if I do say so myself, and I do. Adam, thanks so much for joining us and fighting the good fight. Thank you, Tom. It's been wonderful. I was wondering where you were going to stick that in. I want to cut in with an uncharacteristically serious moment to talk about a very real problem that the atheist movement has. This is perhaps the single greatest piece of ammunition that we offer the theists in our social debate.

When you look at the numbers, highly religious people tend to give significantly more to charity than atheists. Now, if you take out religious people who don't regularly attend services, this number all but disappears. And that raises an interesting question. Are religious people more charitable't regularly attend services, this number all but disappears. And that raises an interesting question. Are religious people more charitable because they're religious, or is it because churches offer them an easy means to give along with the social pressure to do so? I guess I don't need to tell you where I land on this issue, but I invite you to help us prove me right this December. If you're not familiar with the Foundation Beyond Belief, you should be.

This is a charitable organization created by Dale McGowan and some fellow atheists that saw this phenomenon and set out to change it by creating an easy way for atheists to not only give to secular charities, but also to give in the name of atheism. They give to a number of different charities every quarter, and they do all the hard work of ensuring that your money isn't going to go to evangelism or anti-gay rights

legislation or any of the many things religious charities have been known to divert their funds to. So this coming Saturday and Sunday, friend of the show David Smalley from Dogma Debate Radio is going to be holding a 24-hour online broadcast in an effort to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief, and I'm excited to play a small part in it. The broadcast begins at 2 p.m. Eastern Time on December 6th. That's Saturday. It runs through the night and into Sunday afternoon. And David's going to welcome a stellar lineup of guests, including Lawrence Krauss, Peter Boghossian, Dave Silverman, J.T. Eberhard, Seth Andrews, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive

Dissonance, Dan Arrow, that Australian dude that I interviewed earlier in this episode, whose name escapes me at the moment, Andy Wilson from the Incredulous podcast, and of course, yours truly. Now, the goal is to break the 24-hour fundraising record for the Foundation Beyond Belief. And if you can, please help us reach this goal. Now, I'll be on at 8 a.m. Eastern Time on Sunday the 7th. You can find links to more information, including a link to listen in on this week's show notes. All right, so that's all the serious shit. Now back to your regularly scheduled dick jokes. After listening to Adam's mock interview with Pastor Manning, as well as a number of similar skits he's done on his show before, I was inspired to try my hand at the same thing.

So I sat down with my editing software and I asked myself, who do I know that really deserves to have their words taken out of context for the purposes of a satirical, sexually charged mock interview? Rejoining me tonight is my good friend Adam Reeks. Adam, thanks for coming back on so quickly. Yes, thank you for having me. Well, yes, I asked you back on because we spent so much time talking about Pastor Manning that I feared the audience wouldn't get a chance to know you as a person.

So tell us, what makes Adam Reeks tick? Now, that would be semen and drinking. I see. So when you're not podcasting, you're... Gargling some man juice. Very interesting. Until very, very early hours of the morning. And I understand that you're also very fond of nipple clamps. I put them on when I want to stay up. I see. And do you apply those yourself? Every morning I get up and I look for more semen enthusiasts.

Wow, that seems challenging. Where does a person go to find people like that? I went and paid some money to a website. And what was the name of the site? I'm asking for a friend, of course. Pedophileangle.org. Oh, well, that's disturbing. And this is a wonderful place to find semen enthusiasts.

Disturbing. And this is a wonderful place to find semen enthusiasts. And that gentleman behind you in the mask, is that someone that you met on pedophileangle.org? Mm-hmm. He seems kind of creepy. This is his thing. I really don't need to see that, Adam. This is all very hard.

Yes, I can see that it's hard, but... That's a very good point. Yes, it's an impressive member, but please ask him to put it away. These guys are really, really difficult to work out. Well, I can see that you're trying your best there. Now, I do have to say, that's an impressive stroking technique that you've got. How did you learn? Self-abuse. I see.

And the other sodomites. The other sodomites helped you learn? Mm-hmm. And how did you know you had it mastered? All of a sudden, it came. The penis, you mean? It just flowed. No, it just flowed.

Well, judging by the look on that guy's face, you've had plenty of practice. You can become quite successful at it. Clearly. Well, you know, I don't want to keep you, Adam, so thanks again for your time. No, it all came out well. Thank you. Yes, you know, I don't want to keep you, Adam, so thanks again for your time. It all came out well, thank you. Yes, it did come out well. It's very difficult to see through this now.

Well, that's because a pedophile just ejaculated all over your computer screen. It's infuriating. I'm sure it is. Well, Adam, thank you again. Thank you. The Holy Bible. I think of the minor prophets as the New England of the Old Testament. Even though they're every bit as boring as driving through all the other states, you feel like you're accomplishing more just because the state lines are so much closer together.

But of course, in reality, you're just still doing the same boring fucking thing you've been doing since California. Assuming that boring trip has been genociding rival ethnic groups all the way to California. Exactly, exactly. Really weird road trip. Now, we're going to be knocking out four more minor prophets tonight, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, and Habakkuk. And joining us to do so, of course, is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here. All right, so we'll start with Jonah, who we first met in a throwaway sentence back in 2 Kings. Now, the working theory here is that this story was attributed to Jonah as a way of lending the story some legitimacy. Oh. And believe me, it needs all the legitimacy it can get by tying it to this relatively unknown character from accepted Jewish history. It's like the Boba Fett of the Old Testament. Right, right, yeah, A fan fiction favorite here. So we first meet Jonah when God shows up to tell him to go to Nineveh and warn the people there that God's going to destroy them for their wickedness.

Right. And Jonah says, fuck Nineveh, and takes the first boat the fuck out of the dive. Between his legs. He doesn't even hesitate. But turns out you can't run from the omnipresent. So God sends a storm to his ship, and somehow Jonah pretty much sleeps through it until the captain pops in and tells him to get to praying. Right.

Apparently when sailors get hit by a storm, standard nautical safety procedure back then is to throw random objects on the floor of the boat, and if your multicultural team of pagan astrologers, shaman pirates all decode the messages together and figure out what the fuck you're going to do. In this case, the message says that Jonah's God is causing the existence of weather, obviously. Right, right. And it was really hard to tell because the magic eight ball just won't settle in when the boat's rocking. They figured it out.

They got it. So they told Jonah, okay, so talk to your boy. What religion are you? You're a Hebrew? Son of a bitch. You let a Jew. You let a Jew. That's the Old Testament guy Son of a bitch. Who let the Jew? Who let a Jew? That's the Old Testament guy we're dealing with.

He says he's the real one right there in the book. We're pretty much fucked now. Who would let a Jew on board? Honestly. But luckily, just then, God sent a giant fish to swallow Jonah. Right. After they threw him overboard. And then he just hung out in the fish for a long weekend.

Like people do when they're in fishes. But then Jonah prayed really good, so God ordered the fish to puke him up on a beach shore. Right. And this particular part of the Bible has caused way too many people to spend actual time and effort trying to explain how a human could live inside the digestive

system of an enormous fish for three days. And if you're curious, the answer is don't do that. But more importantly, I'd like to hear a description of the physics behind this Leviathan vomit cannon that was able to launch a human projectile from offshore all the way onto dry land somehow. Right. Giant fish jumps out, spits them onto a mountain. I want to see it. But believe it or not, that's not the least believable part of the book.

No. No. So Jonah picks himself up, wipes off the three days worth of fish innards, and goes to Nineveh like God told him to. And when he gets there, he says, in 40 days,

God's going to fuck your city up. And everyone, everyone in town believes him. They just drop what they're doing. Some crazy dude covers him in fish slobber. He says, God's going to get you, motherfuckers. And based solely on that, the king orders a royal decree telling everybody to stop being evil.

So the people of Nineveh all promise to stop being evil, and God forgives them. He's such a sucker like that. And everybody's really happy about that, except this asshole Jonah who's pissed that God made him look like a crappy prophet. Man, I said they were going to all die and he didn't.

Because the king of Nineveh hears about Jonah's prophecy and the plan goes something like this. If we all starve and torture ourselves for a month then nothing will happen and we'll make Jonah look like an idiot. Right. And we'll make Jonah look like an idiot. Right. It worked. And Jonah responds like God gave him half a handjob here.

He bitches at God and then he sits down in the desert because he'd rather die than not sit in the desert until he dies, apparently, I guess. I don't know. This whole part is so fucking weird. First of all, he's mad because he thinks it's better to destroy a whole town than make him look stupid. Right. And God says, listen, asshole, I'm not going to destroy a town of six score thousand people just to make a point. And Jonah's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You do that all the time. That's the whole book you've been doing. God's like, shh, let's try another metaphor. All right. Metaphors. I'm going to try to explain this. This is like even bad for God. So he makes a bush to give Jonah some shade.

And then the next night he kills the bush because he's a dick. And Jonah gets even more suicidal than he was already because apparently he's fallen in love with his bush now and can't live without it. I see where he's going with this. And so, yeah, right. That's it. That's the therefore. See, it's kind of like the city, the bush. And no, it's really not.

But then the book just ends. Yep. It's like a Coen Brothers movie if they weren't good. Right. Without a dildo chair rocking back and forth. Right. That is what this fucking book needs. Way less entertaining.

That's going to move us along to the book of Micah, and that's more of the mindless bitching that we've come to expect from our minor prophets. Or the Bible in general. Right, right, exactly. So Micah starts with the titular prophet ranting on about God melting the mountains and exploding the valleys because of the high places and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, but he adds the twist that Jerusalem itself is a high place. Right.

Which would explain why they can't seem to get right up there. Right, so God decides to make all of Judah into an equally medium-heighted pile of rubble. I'm going to fix this for everybody. Nothing will be high there. Also, I think God accidentally stumbles onto possibly his first useful analogy in the entire... Micah 1.7, which said, basically, if you make money like a whore, I'm going to slap you like a pimp. You know, like that.

I got what he was saying. Exactly what he meant. Israel, whore, me, pimp, slap. God smack. Chapter 2 of Micah is a perfect example of what I was talking about. Okay, so for two verses, he explains what the sins are,

which are apparently mourning, sex, field coveting, and oppressing houses. But then we get 11 verses on all the horrible punishments God's going to have in store for them for these little sins. Up to and including the lyrics to the song people will eventually write about how seriously God kicked Israel. Yes, they actually have that. Which is incredibly frustrating to read. So the transgression du jour offered in chapter three is pretty morbid. This chapter is dedicated to people who, quote, tear the skin off my people and the flesh off their bones, flay the skin off of them, break their bones in pieces and chop them

up like meat in a kettle, end quote. And I think we can all agree that that's pretty bad. But I love how it comes after the Morning Wood and Field Covening. Right. Established way beforehand. Let's get that first. And I also want to point out that it doesn't go so far as saying that skinning people and chopping them up is always bad. No.

He just says not to do that to the Jews. Not to my people, exactly. Now, then in chapter four, this book takes a hard left that just smacks of later edition by a different author and goes from mountain-melting rage to universal peace and happiness. Yeah, in this chapter, God promises that someday he'll do away with war and all the people will beat their swords into plows. And all I can think the whole time is, what the fuck are you waiting for? Do that, then!

Exactly! Are you waiting for? Do that then! Exactly! Exactly! Are you kidding me? And that's actually a pretty important theological issue, I think, for all the Abrahamic faiths, right? According to your book, God can cure the world of evil and war and want and plans on doing so eventually. Doesn't that kind of fuck up almost every response to the problem of evil that the apologists have ever offered? Right. By the way, this is also the part where God decides to use the Jews as slavery entrapment bait.

Okay, everyone go down to Babylon, and I want you to offer to be enslaved. Be really nice about it. A little tricky almost. And then they'll definitely enslave you. What I'm going to do is I'll wait a few decades. Then I'm going to come save you. At that point, they'll be guilty of slavery, so I'm going to do is, you know, I'll wait a few decades, then I'm going to come save you guys. At that point, they'll be guilty of slavery,

so we get to keep all their gold. Win-win. Except for, well, the generation of slaves, which is you guys, and go. Babylon.

Have fun, guys. Have fun storming the castle. And not to get all nitpicky here, but in chapter five, they're giving us some, like, pre-Jesus Messiah prophecies, and when they're talking about the coming jew king they talk about him ruling over assyria which exactly basically stopped being a place in 612 bce so either jesus was running

crazy late or he was a seventh century bce median and we missed that entirely or he didn't exist in the standard well there's also that possibility. This guy's from Bethlehem you're talking about, right? Galilee? No, didn't you say Nazareth? Ate your meat, caught in a lie? Just making shit up now? You have a certificate?

Nothing? Is that all? Nothing? Stop? And with that, we move on to Nahum, which is agreed by most secular biblical scholars to be a case of postdiction that predicts the fall of Nineveh after it already happened. Yes, exactly. And in typical biblical fashion, the fact that the Jews had absolutely nothing to do with the fall of the Assyrian Empire,

they give all the credit to Jew God by explaining that he was just using all of them Medians and Babylonians and barbarians and shit so the Jews wouldn't have to get their hands dirty, but it was him that was behind the whole thing. It was his idea. I gotta say, it's refreshingly horrible compared to some of those other half-assed, waffly prophets going, I might destroy you, you just might not. So Nahum starts with a full chapter

dedicated to just how impressive God's penis really is. Good girth, medium low, a little left, uncircumcised, no moils yet. What? Right, right. Can God make a penis so big that not even he can suck the bloody end of it anyway? Ew. He's tried.

He's so repressed. And then it spends a full chapter like reveling in the blood, rape, violence, dismemberment, and looting of the city. Including specific references to carting off their slave girls who are moaning like doves and beating their breasts. Yeah, right, like gorillas. Yeah, I'm not really sure what the breast beating is all about. No sense, I'm paying attention now. Right, not to mention that shit would hurt. Can I just say here that it really pisses me off how this book always refers to the evil shit

and what God's going to do to it as a she or a her. Right, yes. Fuck that motherfucker. All bad stuff has a vagina. Right. Right. Anyway, anyway, it just wouldn't be a biblical prophecy if they didn't also hack the infants to pieces with swords and celebrate it with applause all over the known fucking world.

And Thebes fell. We said that really happened, and we said it. This whole book is, I'm not lying in adding this later. Why would you even ask? We said Thebes is a real place. We've established this entire book is true. Moving on. Yeah. The guy lived in the fucking fish, and adding this later. Why would you even ask? We said Thebes is a real place. We've established this entire book is true. Moving on. Yeah, the guy lived in the fucking fish, and that's it.

Basically, three chapters of Fuck the Assyrians. That's this whole book. Which brings us to our final book for this week, Habakkuk, who you might remember from our brief diversion into the Apocrypha. Yes. He was the one God picked up by the hair so he could bring soup to Daniel while he was doing his taming of the lions. Right, right. Yeah, he's been drugged through

the air by his hair with his bowl of soup. Couldn't you just have taken a fucking soup? Right. Anyway, so this book, Habakkuk, was so devoid of content that I felt sorry for the guy who had to write the introduction to it in my Bible. Each one's got like nine paragraphs. They can't

have the one book with nothing, so this is like six paragraphs of this guy just going, yeah. Each one's got like nine paragraphs. They can't have the one book with nothing. So this is like six paragraphs of this guy just going, yeah, this one's got some words and periods and commas and shit. Verbs and nouns, basics. You have to read all things. The first chapter is basically a really verbose way of saying, hey, God, what gives with all the evil shit? Are you a masochist or incompetent?

Exactly. It's one or the other. It can only be one of those two things. And then, of course, the second chapter is God's response, which is basically, I'm going to do something about that eventually, just, you know, when I'm done with this other stuff. Yeah, it's basically the biblical equivalent of all of our deities are busy helping other Jews. Your prayer is very important to us.

Please wait, and it will be answered in the order it was received. That's pretty much it. Also, great spot here. Maybe I'm just reading an obscure translation. I think it was called King James. I forget. But I'm pretty sure Habakkuk 2.16 tells us that if we get wasted in front of God, he'll give us a handjob, but in a bad way, like a shameful hand job from

God. If you get wasted. I'm serious. Quote, drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered. So like pagans, the cup of the Lord's right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory. End quote. Okay.

All right. I stand corrected. I stand corrected. I see no other way to interpret that. Maybe are you supposed to start jerking it and then he rebounds

the munch shot back at you like a rubber glue scenario with like a I say we step into Mr. Wizard's laboratory. It's not clear but it's something weird no matter what. Definitely weird. Besides those two I just said.

And the shield bouncing. So in summary, Jonah says God is merciful. Micah and Nahum disagree vehemently. Yes. And Habakkuk also existed at some point. Right, he was also there. Right. That's about all we learned this week. It's really, that some point. Right, he was also there. Right. That's about all we learned this week.

It's really, that's it. That pretty much sums it up. Now, we've only got four tiny little books to do. We're going to be wrapping those up on our Christmas episode. And then we are done with the parts of the Bible that Christianity selectively doesn't count. And it's on to all the Jesus-y stuff. Worst testament ever. I've read quite a lot of it, but I've got to imagine by the end of this time.

Safe to say. Anyway, Lucinda, Heath, thanks for whatever it's worth. We can smell the finish line from here, guys. Holy blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback.

Our first message comes from Grant, who wrote us about a problem that's common to a lot of people as they move away from religion. Grant writes, quote, when I was converting to atheism,

it took a while. I've now discovered why. It's the fear of death, of oblivion, of nothingness, end quote. So, it sounds like he's curious

about how we deal with that sort of oblivion, death, nothingness issue. And since his email is very gracious and complimentary and absolutely flattery gets you everywhere withion, death, nothingness issue. And since Zemo is very gracious and complimentary and absolutely flattery gets you everywhere with us, let's talk about it.

Yeah, now I do want to point out that I talked about this in a little more detail in the diatribe for episode 67. And what I said there is that even religious people cry when their loved ones die. Nobody really believes that they're going to all meet again in heaven. It doesn't work. So theism or no, death is going to be a hard subject to deal with, especially your own death.

So I seriously doubt that there's any series of words that ease the fear of oblivion, but the closest I've ever seen is this great quote from Mark Twain. Most of our listeners probably already know it. Quote, I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years

before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. End quote. Well said. We also got an email from Jan in Amsterdam. He brought our attention to the notorious racial intolerance that's typical of the Dutch people. So, the Santa Claus character of the Netherlands, Sinterklaas, is often depicted along with a dark-skinned bitch boy

dressed very similar to Django on Big Daddy's Plantation. His name is Zwarte Piet, loosely translated N-word Pete, Thank you. the Dutch for having a more racist Christmas thing than the American South does yet, we will be listing our top ten racist characters to make holiday parades even more offensive than they might even be in Amsterdam. All right. Number ten. The Easter Jungle. You know what? I've changed my mind.

I don't want to do this. We can do something else. Push it. Try it. Number nine. The lynch who stole. I feel uncomfortable, too. I feel very uncomfortable with this.

Number eight. The Tar Baby New Year. uncomfortable, too. I feel very uncomfortable with this. Number eight. The Tar Baby New Year. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Heath made me do this. This is absolutely not his idea. Number seven. Well, it looks like they already have people marching for Ferguson PD Day.

Number six. St. Nick... You know what? No, I pass. He passes. He definitely passes. What about a holiday parade for Florida? Stand your groundhog day.

Don't fire until you see the darks of their eyes. All right, now we're making fun of white people so it's not offensive. I'll honky the snowman. Cracker Jack Frost. Something like that. All right, number three. What about America's favorite miscegenated action figure couple, Kenward and Epstein Barbie?

Number two. Rudolph the Red-Skinned Reindeer. See, now that one's not offensive at all because Dan Snyder said so. It's topical. And that's good because this whole, I got to admit, this whole bit was in danger of turning offensive at any moment. All right. Number one.

The SS truck's back and it's better than ever. Gestapo the Morning Thief. I really wish we were worse at that. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info

on the contact page at skatingidius.com. Before we banish the circle tonight, I wanted to offer a huge thanks to Carl from the Post-Rapture Looting Podcast for not winning at Fantasy Football last week. I can only hope that Mark Nebo from the Raw Men Podcast follows Carl's noble lead and allows my once 11th place team to sneak into the playoffs after all. Also want to apologize to Paul, who provided last week's Farnsworth quote

and didn't get so much as a thank you for it at the end of the show. So Paul, thank you for last week's Farnsworth quote, and thank get so much as a thank you for it at the end of the show. So Paul, thank you for last week's Farnsworth quote and thank you for your patience in awaiting this verbal expression of my gratitude. Obviously, I can't wrap things up without thanking Adam Rieks one more time for being both my witting and unwitting guest tonight. If you haven't checked out his show, you may be in dereliction of duty, but I promise not to tell anybody provided you rectify the situation using the handy link on the show notes for this episode. Again, it's the Herd Mentality Podcast. Of course, I need to thank Heath for always dropping it as though it were heated to an uncomfortable degree.

I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for continuing to love me despite the insane genetic snog from which I spring. I also want to thank Regula from Zurich for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, if I'm not mistaken. That's our first Swiss Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course,

I need to thank this week's best people, David, Bill, Neil, Elsa, Robert, Caleb, Adrian, Rolf, and Paul. David, Bill, and Neil, whose morning wood raises a tent that would make P.T. Barnum jealous, Elsa, Robert, and Caleb, whose non-participation is a written condition of Jeopardy's insurance company, and Adrian, Rolf, and Paul, whose fists are so fast they can beat the shit out of lightning. Together, these nine noble non-believers inspired fresh tears from the baby Jesus this week by giving us money. Giving us money either helps us spread the truth or it pisses God off so much that he hastens the apocalypse.

But one way or the other, we're helping to rid the world of true believers. So if you'd like to add Apocalypse Hastener to your resume, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist and at the same time get 10 to 30% more show every week. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving every penny to get Graham with that new gas-powered vibrator, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes.

It really helps us find new listeners. Also, listening to us on Stitcher helps delay the inevitable collapse of statewide civilization, or so I'm told. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. What the hell? God, you're going to have to wait at that.