The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 97: Happy Birthday Jesus Edition

Episode Date: December 25, 2014

In this week's episode, the A and E Network will buy hookers for a priest, we'll try to pry the Christ out of Christmas, and we'll finally reach the end of the Old Testament, only to find that our savior is in another castle.

Warning, we're not going to go easy on Jesus just because it's his birthday. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by... The first installment of the unholy trilogy, Star Wars on Christmas, a Jew Pope. Because to make these people angry, all we have to do is mention Jews in December. Star Wars on Christmas, a Jew Pope. May the farce be with you. And now, The Skating Atheist. Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. Jew Pope. May the farce be with you. And now, the Skating Atheist. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. It is I, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, or as most of you know me, Santa Claus. I just wanted to wish everyone a heathen's greetings and happy holidays. And in case Ken Ham is listening,

I assure you, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And Noah did cheat at fantasy football this year. He's getting coal. Daddy, what are you doing? Shit. It's Thursday! It's Baby Jesus Day!

And there's no such thing as fantasy football. I'm no illusion. I'm Heath Enright, and from moving on up to southwest Podunk, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist. In this week's episode, the A&E Network will buy hookers for a priest. Religious people come out in favor of medium-to-heavy good torturing. And Lucinda will join us in learning that the last four books of the Bible are utterly indistinguishable from the four books before them. But first, the diatribe. Well, damn it all to hell, yet another year goes by where we hedonistic atheists failed to take the Christ out of Christmas.

What the fuck does that even mean? Keep the Christ in Christmas. You know, basically every non-religious person in this country and countries all around the world is saying, you know what, we're in. Whole day of being with our families preceded by a month of giving shit to people and decorating the world around us with lights. You guys go be as Jesus-y as you want. We're not in on that, but we'll put up trees with you. We'll sing about reindeer with you. We'll hang our stockings by the chimney with care. We'll bristle through Linus reminding us that Herod almost killed the baby Jesus.

We'll let you guys get away with shutting down the post offices, the courthouse, the whole fucking country for your religious holiday just because we can all get behind the secular bits of it. And for the most part, everybody's cool with that arrangement. You know, the Jews all get Chinese food, so they're happy. The atheists eventually find wrapping paper with no Jesuses on it, so we're happy. And the Muslims aren't allowed to be happy anyway. Everybody wins. Except, of course, the inimical shitheads that yammer on about keeping Christ in Christmas. This whole fucking country is willing to shut down for a day so that you can have a birthday party for your Savior,

but that's not enough for you. You also have to make sure that everybody having non-Jesus fun that day knows that they're doing it wrong. You also have to make sure that everybody having non-Jesus fun that day knows that they're doing it wrong. You know, last week I was invited on a panel on Georgia Public Radio to talk with a Muslim and a Jew about what it's like to be a non-Christian at Christmas. And to the mild consternation of the interviewer, we all pretty much loved Christmas. The only people that seem to have any non-musical issues with Christmas are the assholes ranting on about keeping Christ in it. The rest of us are all reflecting on universal love, and they're in a corner somewhere yelling, we called universal love, that's our guy's thing, dibs. Well, no, it wasn't your guy's idea, and neither was fucking Christmas.

I don't need to tell anybody listening to this show that all the good bits about Christmas come from pagan solstice festivals and the Roman celebration of Saturnalia. Jesus didn't come up with wreaths. John the Baptist didn't make up mistletoe. Even a Santa character predates the Christian usage in everything but name. Christianity just signed their name to some other kid's homework. And if you ask me, one of the coolest things about being an atheist is the a la carte holidays.

I celebrate some Christian ones, some neo-pagan ones. I've been looking into Hindu ones. I made a few up of my own. I don't need a savior to be born or reborn or martyred to buy shit for people. I'm a humanist. I can do that just because it's Thursday. I don't need to believe in Jesus to enjoy Christmas any more than I need to believe in the Easter Bunny to enjoy Cadbury eggs. Of course, I know that I'm only speaking for myself here.

There are a lot of atheists out there that not only don't celebrate Christmas, but actively oppose the societal norm that says we should all just celebrate the big Christian holidays even if we're not Christian. Now, to be honest, their argument makes perfect sense to me. In the same way that a Ten Commandments on a courthouse lawn suggests the state endorses Christianity, Christmas lights on an atheist's house suggests that the culture endorses Christianity. And that can be just as damaging, if not more so. And I guess I get that, but to be brutally honest, I don't care. Christmas is like eating meat.

It's one of the few subjects where I probably won't change my mind no matter how good the arguments against me are. I mean, just lights, music, sappy commercials, wrapping presents, cartoons that remind me of a time when I could eat anything and still shit normal. I love that stuff. And while I don't suppose that that list amounts to a logical refutation, it's persuasive enough for me in this instance. Now, there is, of course, a far more compelling counterargument. You know, the only thing that makes Christmas Christian is atheists not celebrating it. enough for me in this instance. Now there is, of course, a far more compelling counter-argument. You know, the only thing that makes Christmas Christian is atheists not celebrating it. By embracing the secular parts of the holiday, we loosen Christianity's stranglehold on it. We reinforce the point that everything about the holiday except its name predates Christianity.

We make it more of a cultural celebration and less of a religious one. And of course, that is precisely the fear that's motivating all these keep the Christ in Christmas yahoos. They have to recognize that the crappiest parts of Christmas are the religious ones. Despite Kirk Cameron's delusional muse, nobody's out there saying, if we could just do away with the tree, the gifts, the jolly old fat guy, the lights, the mistletoe, and the stockings, this holiday would be awesome. You know, as much as they love to say that Jesus is the reason for the season,

I think they know good and damn well that the season would be just fine without him. Hell, it's implicit in the statement. How could you worry about keeping Christ in Christmas if you didn't know he was expendable? They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is my brother-in-arms, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to snuggle? Wait, wait, wait.

Nothing. Wait, snuggle? Brother-in-arms, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to snuggle? Wait, wait, wait. Nothing. Wait. Snuggle? Brother-in-arms. All right, whatever. But nothing about your fantasy team? You don't want to bring up anything about it? No, no, no. Mike with a Y doesn't want us to talk about it anymore, so I'm moving on.

You sure, though? Because you wanted to talk so much before the championship match. No. As we get about the fantasy football thing that was going on and how you were in. All right, well, I guess I should at least congratulate Bill and Susie from Barroom Atheists for their gracious defeat, you know, as I took the championship game and won the whole fucking thing and avenged

my defeat last year. Well done, sir. Well done. Done talking about it for pretty much a year. Alright, in our lead story tonight from the Walk on Waterboard file, a recent poll by the Washington Post and ABC News asked Americans, do you feel that torture of suspected terrorists is often justified, sometimes justified, rarely justified, or never

justified? Oh, I know this one. You have to wait. Not everybody knows the answer yet. Apparently not. And the majority of Americans, especially Christians, as well as the majority of almost every single demographic in America, answered, yes, definitely torture them and do it sometimes or often. Right. And definitely don't do it only rarely. And definitely don't stop torturing people altogether because that would be ridiculous. And I want to point out that this is like, you know, less of an opinion poll and more of one of those things where they try to find out what percent of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth. There is definitely a correct answer.

And then there are ascending levels of wrong that precede it. And the information they present is pretty depressing. So remember when I said almost every single demographic was at least moderately pro-torture? demographic was at least moderately pro-torture? Well, as it turns out, the only groups with a majority preference for small to zero amounts of justified torture were liberals, Democrats, and non-religious people. That's right. As for conservatives, Republicans, white Protestants, white Catholics, white people in general, non-white people in general, males, females, Americans with ages that fall into a decade, the majority of people in all groups except basically liberal atheists have medium to large torture rationales built into their morality.

So did we win the morality contest? Is it over? We obviously win, right? Well, I mean, I would say at the very least we had a huge lead going into this poll, you know, what with the not venerating of a petty genocidal AIDS maker that we had going. I mean, if we didn't win outright, it's like a TKO or they invoke the mercy rule or something. Well, I'm not saying you have to agree with me exactly that torture is an egregious human rights violation or agree that even if it did lead to useful intelligence, which it does not, that it's probably still kind of bad that you tortured people. I'm not even enforcing it. I'm just saying

how do you choose to be extra evil when rarely was one of the choices that was offered. There was an option for keeping your torture but not sounding like an enormous torturous asshole, yet, given that option, given the option of

responding, I'm anti-torture except rare occasions, most Americans instead chose to err on the side of over-torture. Even if only small amounts of torture are justified, let's not skimp on that. Just to be sure we don't under-torture, we better

you know. And in what blasphemy worry news tonight, a New Zealand bar manager and two Burmese men are facing up to two years in prison over an advertisement deemed insulting to Buddhists. The online ad, which, yeah, how the hell did, anyway, the online ad, which was later removed and effusively apologized for, featured an image of a bright pink Buddha wearing headphones, and that was somehow intended to entice people to come to a bar, I think. This is bullshit. He can't be wearing headphones. That's offensive. We're all about silence. Rabble, rabble, rabble. Everybody gather and protest

and be loud about this. It could have been noise-canceling. I don't know. Now, the Burmese culture is, of course, hell-bent on counterbalancing the image of the peaceful Buddhist by setting a bunch of Muslims on fire or massacre in them every couple of months or so. Tossing somebody in jail for a couple of years over this is actually relatively light. In fact, during the arraignment, the government felt the need to employ more than 30 police officers to protect the defendants from the rabid throngs of bloodthirsty Buddhist monks that showed up to be angry and offended. Exactly.

And what happened to your internets there, guys? News tonight. Some North Korean leaders got pre-mad about the upcoming Sony Pictures comedy movie, The Interview, in which their supreme dictator, Kim Jong-un, might not live 10,000 years as expected thanks to an assassination plot carried

out by seth rogan and james franco in response it appears the brick hired some hackers to breach sony's network for spite and also deliver a ridiculous anonymous threat about terrorist attacks on any and all theaters that show the movie. Right. And since the standard strategy says don't negotiate with terrorists, just cave in immediately without negotiating, several large theater chains refused to screen it, and Sony decided to completely cancel the Christmas Day release. Bold message they were sending there, right? You can't silence us if we shut up first.

You just got bluffed out of releasing a $45 million budget movie by an empty threat from a few North Korean computer nerds that said, if we can steal your email passwords, just imagine what kinds of mayhem we can pull off at 20,000 theater locations simultaneously. Exactly. Fandango tickets, all mixed up. Mass hysteria. Orgies of violence. Right.

They threatened, quote, 9-11 style attacks, end quote, at any theater that screened the movie. So a nation that can barely afford electricity and food is going to crash an airline in every third mall and Pirates Bay? Do we really just cave into the demands of Grand Fenwick? No, because then Obama stepped in. He told Sony to grow some balls, probably also had North Korea's entire internet shut down several times recently, and personally

slapped Kim Jong-un in the face with his larger penis. And now that the entire world's paying attention, all of a sudden, Sony once again likes the idea of releasing the now extremely profitable movie on Christmas Day like they originally planned very conveniently. So might have made them look pretty spineless there over 20 for a second. But this is a genius publicity stunt if that's what just happened. Right. Yeah. No kidding. I had no desire whatsoever to see this movie before.

So cut to a shot of Seth Rogen penning a thank-you letter to Kim Jong-un. And in Jesus' sake, the speculum news tonight. Democrats who dismissed Republican opposition to Obamacare because the GOP wasn't offering an alternative just lost a talking point thanks to Gordon Dr. Asliss-Chaps Klingenschmitt. This feces-sculpting-level lunatic, whose name we can now actually preempt with the words Republican lawmaker. Explain last Thursday that, quote, we ought to look to the Lord for our health care. End quote.

Well, I'm pretty sure the Obamacare system encourages Christians on the God plan to keep their existing coverage. Why are they even chiming in on this discussion that clearly doesn't concern them? God protects them from illness, or kills them with illness, but in a good, mysterious way. They're all set. They have no place in the insurance discussion, regardless. Well, yeah, but apparently, one way or the other, the former Navy chaplain, still irate about being settled with a surname that is one missed M away from the definition of Dingleberry, went on to quote the verse in Exodus where God promised that nothing bad would ever happen to Jews. He then explained that using government-subsidized health care was a form of idolatry and encouraged folks to rely on the adherence of Bronze Age axioms

in the favor of their gods to take care of things like finding your keys and removing your tumors. If we just remove gluten and medicine from our diet, we'll all live to 900 like Moses and Pat Robertson. It's working great. Well, and speaking of which, host of The 700 Club and Alfred E. Newman, after drinking from the wrong cup in the last crusade, Pat Robertson echoed Dr. Chab's sentiment when a septuagenarian infirm wrote to ask Robertson if he should continue to trust God or bow to his family's repeated request that he see a real doctor. So what did Robertson if he should continue to trust God or bow to his family's repeated request that he see a real doctor.

So what did Robertson know? Robertson's advice was to stick with God. And then apparently he saw all his lawyers expire from simultaneous coronaries offset at the mere utterance of this feloniously deadly advice. So he added that, quote, there's nothing wrong with taking medicine. But Jim had made a commitment to the Lord, end quote. And speaking of anal pee robes, let's just keep his file open. It seems Pat Robertson might just disagree with Pastor Steve Anderson, the guy we covered

last week, with the whole idea about curing AIDS by, you know, killing all the gay people. See, that seems like Robertson's thing. Well, lots of Christians are pretty excited about the murder campaign and the no more AIDS, I guess. So he didn't come out and contradict Anderson directly. That would have made him look stupid. But he may have let his alternative plan slip out by accident a little bit. And the plan goes something like this.

Just let all the gay people die off over the next few years. What have they been around since 1985? They can't even reproduce, so they're naturally going to be extinct soon. Certain problems, they just work themselves out. Plus, genocide is labor-intensive. Check the Bible. Yeah, it takes generations sometimes. And from the I-forcibly-fondled-as-genitals-in-a-non-gay-way file tonight,

virulently anti-gay South India pastor Gaylord Williams. Gaylord? Isn't that just a synonym for Santorum? Anyway, this dude was arrested last week for, take a guess, Heath. What do you think the virulently anti-gay pastor was arrested for? Clumsily soliciting gay sex from a straight man? Clumsily soliciting gay sex from a straight man, it is. The victim alleges that the minister approached him while he was parked at a lake, reaching in his car, grabbing hold of his dick, and then offering to swallow a couple of his chromosomes,

at which point the solicitor made it clear that he wasn't interested by pretending to pull a gun on him. And I can't imagine that this was the pastor's first try on the parking lot scene, right? Which means this move has probably worked before. So I saw you were just parked there with nobody blowing you. So here I am just walking around without any dicks in my mouth. It would be almost stupid if we didn't. Wow, that's a gun. Okay, this usually goes a lot smoother.

I will just run away. Well, apparently that's exactly what he did, but not before the would-be-hummy copied down his license plate number. Police arrested Gaylarge shortly thereafter and found what they called gay adult material, so I guess they just wanted us to use our imaginations what that meant. I got to say, though, I'm at least a little bit refreshed by the adult part. Right.

The gay adult material. Exactly. Could be worse. And I have to say, you know, what's worth pondering here isn't that these anti-gay zealots are soliciting gay sex. That doesn't surprise me at all. What surprises me is how bad they are at it. I mean, you know, I'm straight and everything. sex. That doesn't surprise me at all. What surprises me is how bad they are at it. I'm straight and everything, but I have this feeling like I could

go out there and find a guy willing to let me suck his dick without having a gun pulled on me or the cops called. For fuck's sake. First move, go to a park. I'll blow you! Park there, I'll blow you! That was his move.

And since we were talking about people I go down on anyway, I suppose this is as good a time as any to hand it over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. That's the tamest segue I've given her in weeks. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. There are some gaffes that are big enough that you'd expect nobody to remake them, right? I mean, I feel confident that whoever the Republican nominee is in 2016, they won't mention their binders full of women. All future vice presidents will know how to spell potato, that kind of thing. Well, before this week, I might have thought the term legitimate rape would have been confined to that same dustbin of suicidally stupid political utterances.

But no. Leave it to another Republican from the same damn state to revive it. Meet Missouri State Representative Rick Bratton. He's making a late push for honorable mention in any and all misogynist of the year competitions with an anti-abortion bill that would require women to get a father's permission before terminating a pregnancy. There would be exceptions, of course, in cases of incest, dead fathers, and rape. But Bratton felt the need to point out while defending the bill that any old rape wouldn't do. It had to be

legitimate rape. He since backed off of the old, did you bring a permission slip from your rapist language, and insists that this bill is all about men's rights. And when he says that, he really hopes you won't read parts of the bill about women having to be given pre-abortion counseling sessions and anti-abortion propaganda 72 hours before they are allowed to have surgery on themselves. Because Bratton cares about all three genders, women, men, and yet undifferentiated. So I guess if you want an abortion in Missouri, try to get raped, but make sure you get the rape notarized. And whatever you do, don't get raped on the campus of a conservative Christian campus, as those rapes are almost never

legitimate. This according to a new study by an independent watchdog group looking into the treatment of rape allegations at Bob Jones University. The report contains several contributions by people who were told that they were, at least in some part, culpable for their rape and that they should focus on cleansing their own soul rather than tarnishing the reputation of a perfectly good rapist. And finally, tonight I'll give you a bit of good news for Spaghetti Miss. A court struck down a controversial North Carolina abortion law last week. The law required that women seeking an abortion undergo a medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound

while a doctor tells you exactly what the fetus looks like and whether it looks afraid. You might recall the debate about this back in 2011. But if you don't, it broke down like this. The pro side said, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And the anti side said, please don't rape me with medical equipment. Well, turns out that a three-judge panel agree with the ACLU, the Center for Reproductive Rights, and Planned Parenthood,

who challenged the law on constitutional grounds. So while we're apparently dealing with legitimate and illegitimate rapes, at least we're not dealing with state-sponsored ones. That's all I've got for you this week, but I'll be back in a bit to babble. Until then, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in child prostitutes don't just grow on trees news tonight, the Order of Friars Minor, one of the world's largest Franciscan orders, recently admitted that it was nearly bankrupt despite having massive financial holdings, including one of the most luxurious hotels in Rome. When asked what happened to all the money, head of the order, Brother Michael Perry, said, you know, we were helping orphans and stuff, you know.

And then he added with a mumble as he took a sip of water and a bunch of Swiss bankers seized the bits that we were investing in drugs and arms trafficking. We embezzled a bunch and we hid some in offshore accounts that we're not going to tell you about. I mean, you're doing some evil shit if Swiss banks won't even hold the money. Sure, we've got billions in Nazi gold in this very building, yes, but Catholics? That line has to be drawn somewhere. So, yes, after decades of financial oversight that included sending the occasional email that said you better not be embezzling that money or God's going to get you,

the emperor's schlong could no longer be ignored. This is the worst accounting job in the history of organization. These guys are like Enron. If Enron had also been selling guns and drugs and fucking kids. That bad. They're like an evil version of Enron. Even worse. They were also apparently embezzling the profits from Il Cantico, the aforementioned luxury hotel,

that promises on its website to use all its profits to help street kids and AIDS patients. So, yes, this Vatican franchise stole money from orphans and AIDS patients. How the fuck is anybody talking about the Pope giving out some goddamn sleeping bags on his birthday? He probably bought them with money he stole from orphans with AIDS, people. It's like reporting on how punctual the fucking Nazis were. So evil. I know. It's like they're making this shit up just to make our

jobs easy. And they won. And then we should have taken two cars. News tonight. Several dozen Catholic Mexican clowns paraded through Mexico City last week as part of an annual celebration honoring the country's patron saint, the Lady of Guadalupe. So that's a thing that physically happened last week.

Catholic Mexican clown pilgrimage through Mexico City. Everybody just pause the podcast and take a moment to appreciate what that looks like right now. And actually just picture that any time you're feeling down. That should pick you right back up. Red and blue. Mexican clown pilgrimage. Get you going. And in still better than the Cleveland nightlife news tonight,

the Cleveland police are facing a lawsuit after a Muslim inmate claims that she was forced to attend a Christian service while incarcerated. Sakina Majid claims that she was threatened with solitary confinement if she didn't give the baby Jesus his due, though the facility denies the allegation and points out that they have services for all the wrong religions, too. So she must be lying. Well, I mean, if you're sitting in a jail cell

and all your cellmates leave to go watch the Christian service but you stay there because you're Muslim, that's solitary confinement, I guess. Right. It's not exactly the prison's fault, though. Well, and it's also worth noting that she was serving a 60-day sentence for assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest, two charges that stem from a jaywalking incident. How does that happen? She's obviously a hardened criminal here.

You know, you don't want to necessarily take the word of a known jaywalker. If you don't have respect for proper crosswalks, I can have respect for anything. Well, hold on. According to her attorney, Sakina Majid, the Muslim jaywalking mastermind, is American as apple pie. Right. So somebody's lying about something. My money is on the sheriff named in the suit who insists that all religious services in the facility are voluntary and that he'd never even dream of coming in your mouth. Additionally, a spokesman for the city of Cleveland dismissed the allegation, saying, quote, You're a Muslim in an American prison, lady. You're lucky we weren't sodomizing you with a feeding tube.

End quote. And then you got spunked news tonight a and e network just signed on for eight episodes of a new reality show about retired cop turned pastor kevin brown who routinely entraps california hookers especially young empty-eyed california hookers according to his own his words yes and then instead of arresting them or whatever he used to do as a cop, he tries to save them with Christianity now. The mechanics of that last part aren't clear, but I guess Jesus has a GI Bill sort of thing going on for ex-whores?

Apparently. Either that or this guy was caught with a hooker and he came up with an excuse so elaborate that he ended up selling it to A&E. He's like, no, honey, I was luring her here to save her soul with all this holy Vaseline that I just blasted, this penis pump. If I throw it on the ground, it turns into a snake. All right, so maybe Pastor Brown is a lunatic with good intentions, but that's still problematic, I think.

Probably. Probably. So just in case everybody wasn't clear on this, vigilante hooker wrangling is extremely dangerous. To the vigilante, to the hooker, to society, just all around, it's a bad idea. Now, you've got to figure the Santa Ana Police Department, who has to deal with this crazy person, thought that was all common knowledge about the hooker wrangling being dangerous. thought that was all common knowledge about the hooker wrangling being dangerous. But the existence of Pastor Brown and his sleuth squad in their town obviously contradicted that assumption.

So they actually had to release an official statement to the general public explaining, don't do that. Don't form vigilante special ops strike team. We let you guys have a vigilante, special ops, strike team, and then all of a sudden everyone has to have a vigilante, special ops, strike team, and it's awkward. Plus, what if you save all the hookers? Then who are the cops going to shake down for blowjobs?

Homeless Mexicans, that's who. Do you want to be saved and served and protected by people who are settling for homeless Mexicans? That's what the executive action is all about. Pluses and minuses. So according to his own account on this one, Pastor Brown saves about 50% of the prostitutes he encounters with this method. But let's not forget the parts of the new show they won't be filming about the other half who go back to their pimp with no trick bunny and an excuse about another one of those, you know, undercover pastor sting operations we keep getting.

It's not my fault. I don't picture lots of pimps. They just chalk that up to the cost of doing business and move on. Like, it's not a big deal. Just go back to chalice sipping or cane swirling. What the fuck do they do? Aquarium walking. Speaking of pimps, though, let's help out A&E with some more terrible ideas to go with this one.

We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Of course we will. TV shows about vigilante clergy busting prostitutes. Obviously. Go. Obviously. How about Booty and the Priest, where the candlesticks do a lot more than sing? How about B.J. Hooker John the Baptist.

It's extra if we do it in the rectory. Unfortunately. Maybe Hawaii Nympho, Hook'em Dano. About Craig's Evangelist. Vertical smile, you're on glanded camera. There's one there and one there, one up in there. I'm surprised you didn't notice that one. Maybe BJ and the Prayer?

21 Jump Street Corner. Silly habit, trickster for, I passed. Set in high school. Yeah, exactly. Maybe Car Shifty Whore Where Art Thou? To make it the priest thing, it makes it religious now. Now it's the priest and the prostitute. We were getting away from the priest thing. Yeah, exactly. Maybe car-shifty whore, where art thou? To make it the priest thing. It makes it religious now. Now it's the priest thing.

We were getting away from the priest thing. How about cops and slobbers? So that's what you're going to do when they come for you. Should work. NYVD blue. Nice. Maybe we could do something old school, like the Glandy Grippen Show, starring Glandy Grippen and Deez Knots. About Street Walker, Texas Ranger.

Oh, nice. Chuck Norris and his famous roundhouse of ill repute. Well done, sir. How about Brawn Order of the Jesuits, special dictum unit. How about Trojan Magnum P.I.? Busting madams with Adams 12. Double-backing the evidence. Oh, nice.

That was a valiant effort, I think, but we all know that the Chuck Norris joke can't be defeated by mere mortals, so I guess we're going to have to close it there anyway. Heath, thanks as always. Back, back, back, back. Gone! And when we come back,

Lucinda will join us for the last entirely Jew-y portion of the Holy Babble. The Scathing Atheist now proudly presents Nahum in Rhyme. I find it odd that God's so flawed and thought I'd take a second to point out a doubt about this shouting prophet he employed. As he screams, it seems the schemes he dreams up for as foreign peccants are the kind of blind malign designs that Sauron would avoid. He foresees disease and amputees to please his vicious lord, and blood that floods the gutters utter chaos through the nation. With quakes he breaks their town, forsakes and takes to them the sword. This sage devotes each page to rage assuaged through tribulation.

He grinned when those who sinned were skinned and brimmed with satisfaction. He smiled when each defiled child was piled up to combust. He smirked at the jerk and worked berserk affronts to civil action, and to every verse and perverse curse what's worse he thought it just. Now he assumed Nahum's consumed with doom because daddy didn't love him so when he composed his prose he chose a dose of murderous damnation but when i read the screed that he'd decree the damnedest question of him is why the hellsome fellas felt compelled to pass it down for generations and now a very brief but still longer than the material

merits poem for the book of habakkuk well it turns out rock out with your cock out is a biblical decree. Just have a look at Habakkuk and you'll find my nominee for the best line in the Bible. Sure, it's rivaled by a few, but my favorite verse is quite perverse. It's the 16th one in chapter 2. Here God complains until the veins start popping in his face about the shame the Jews became and that he deemed them a disgrace. And to the Jews that share their booze and drink with one another, he said, quote, drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. That's it. Done with the Old Testament. Just finished Malachi this morning myself.

Gotta say, there's a lot of loose ends. They didn't tie up exactly. Yeah, yeah. And I totally saw the pending destruction of Moab coming. They weren't surprising anybody with that. Heath. Noah. Angel of the Lord?

That's right. What are you doing here? You just finished the Old Testament. Yeah, we know. You received plus 30 experience points and plus 12 hit points. Really? Experience points are a real thing? Apparently.

You can now wield grade 7 counter-apologetics, and you'll only take half damage when arguing with Jews. That's useful. Sweet. Anything else? You have unlocked the That Was In Context asshole defense, and you can now make it all the way through a Michael Bay movie without losing consciousness. I don't know that I want that, no. It doesn't sound useful.

Congratulations. Hey, while you're here, what was up with that Bush analogy in Jonah? That was ridiculous. There was a minimum word count. Knew it! Minimum word count. Knew it! The Holy Bible.

We inaugurated this segment on episode 10. That was April 25th of last year. So for the better part of two years, we've been trudging through these poorly formed Jewish fables, trying desperately to tease dick jokes out of the likes of Lamentations and Obadiah. But this, 29th installment of the Holy Babel, marks the end of the Old Testament. Heath, be honest now, be honest. Are you going to miss it?

Yeah, I don't know how I'll ever replace it. Maybe I'll re-watch Requiem for a Dream 30 times. That would be equally fun. Maybe I'll re-read John Galt's I'm an Enormous Asshole Who Hates Robin Hood speech over and over. That would be fantastic. Listen to Fran Drescher read that. And, of course, joining us in this joyous send-off of the OT is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, was it everything that you hoped it would be? Well, I hoped it would be over, and eventually it was.

There you go. Yeah, sort of. All right, so we knocked out four more of these asinine minor prophets again this week, and sorry to say they were pretty much the same as the four we did last time and the time before that, but just to be thorough, why don't you start us off with Zephaniah? Yeah, old Zephy doesn't make you wait for the apocalypse here. Basically, the opening line is God saying, I will utterly sweep away everything from the face of the earth.

Right. If you say the face of the earth, you don't have to specify that Judah is also going to be swept away. If the sign says no parking at any time is unnecessary information. So anyway, among the all of the humans that God's going to kill are, quote, those who dress themselves in foreign attire and those who leap over the threshold, grievous sins, clearly. But what foreign attire? Europeans, these are desert people from 2600 years ago. They just wear all the cloth they own.

What are they even talking about? Hipsters walking around Judah wearing dashikis, being condescending. Summer they spent in the Peace Corps eight years ago. Shut up. You weren't even really there. talking about hipsters walking around judah wearing dashikis being condescending summer they spent in the peace corps eight years ago shut up you weren't even really there and it seems like god has trouble picking reasonable amounts of intensity for that's a running theme first it's your blood pouring out like sand and your flesh turning to liquefied shit made up the shit you made you eat but then

during the same idea he's adding stuff like you don't even want to know about the trumpet noises just cacophonous you know there's no way you're sleeping past noon that day on which i the entire world just these wildly asymmetric threats. Makes no sense. And then in chapter two, we get the unless. You know, chapter one is all God's going to fuck your grandma and torture your house

and give you a yeast infection. And then we get to the unless, of course, you do everything I say that we knew was coming the whole fucking time. Right. Like always, God's wrath can only be staved off

by telling him how impressive his dick is. Well, if you're a Jew. Yeah, right. If you're a Canaanite or a Philistine, ain't no Mount of Pina's worship going to save you. Just donate to the show, man. Or a Moabite. He especially is pissed at the Moabites.

Right. In fact, God says he's going to destroy Moab, make it a wasteland, and then give it to the Jews. Seems like an odd order. Well, and then the Jews are saying, could you maybe not make it a wasteland before you give it to us? And the Ethiopians. By the way, there is no chance of me not stabbing a bunch of Ethiopians with my sword. I want to be very clear

and specific about that. I will stab some Ethiopians today. That is happening. And then we shift into the good news portion of the apocalypse where all the people who were wiped away when God killed all the people will rejoice and be happy and dogs and cats will live together in harmony.

Yeah, so the TLDR version of Zephaniah just says, everybody who made fun of me is going to be killed by God. Right. Which, to Zephaniah's credit, is a sentiment that probably did less harm worldwide than our next minor prophet, Haggai. Right, so here's Haggai's point in a nutshell. Have you noticed how we never seem to have enough food or supplies? I bet if we invested a bunch of supplies and labor in rebuilding a lavish temple for an imaginary autocrat,

we'd have more food and supplies. I bet that's going to happen. And God is such a lazy bitch, too. He can't make it. You build galaxies and stars and a planet complete with oceans and valleys and cockatoos and eyebrow mud. You can't build your own fucking house. You can't get the Jews to do that for you? And he's already pissed at them for not having done that already.

Do I have to keep sending prophets to deliver all my messages? Yes! Otherwise we'd have no idea. How would we even know you exist without the crazy people carrying your messages? We don't even... Come on. Exactly. So they rebuild the temple

and apparently Haggai's part in this task was to bitch at the people as they brought wood for not going faster. Right. What a dick. You know how God's great with these killer analogies? Oh, yes. Well, lucky day, we get another one here. So God asks Haggai,

let's say it's just a normal day. I'm walking along in my robe with a bunch of raw meat in my pockets. By the way, the meat's holy. So, if I brush my sleeve, my pocket's full of holy meat, right? So, if I brush my sleeve against a bottle of wine,

would the wine become holy, too? So, I got no fucking clue. Uh, yeah, yes, I got no fucking clue what to tell you. Uh, yeah, yes, I, it is,

I feel like you want me to say yes, it's holy wine now. But no, no, it's not. Definitely not. It is?

No, it's not. Just state your message without the analogy. Just tell me what you see. Get it over with. Yeah. And that's it.

Apparently all of Jews throughout antiquity thought those random two chapters were worth saving for some reason. That brings us to our penultimate prophet, and I have to say I am a Zechariah fan because just when you thought

this book had no more insanity to offer, along comes the most schizophrenic fuck that we've met since Ezekiel. It's almost like Zechariah knew he was going to be 11th and said, wait, I better do something real wacky shit if I want to stand out in this crowd. That's great. But then the real Salvia binge starts when a dude on a red horse pops up

with a Neapolitan trio of horses behind him who apparently just got back from patrolling all of the world. And apparently the patrol comes back and tells God everything's all good. No wars, relative prosperity, everything's fine. And God gets mad because that's anti-Semitic. What? I didn't make you guys to not war and genocide. And then he sees four horns and he asks God, what do those four horns represent?

And God says, they represent four horns. And you know how Judah sucks. That's about it. And in this analogy, God can't even count to four correctly. Zechariah says, yes, I see the four horns. What? Just what are you talking about? God says they represent

Judah, Israel, and Jerusalem. First of all, that's only three things. Obviously, you just said it was going to be four, now it's three. Also, Israel and Judah are north and south kingdoms, and Jerusalem is a city, and Judah doesn't even make sense. It's three things. What is wrong with you?

God. Get to the point directly. Then some guy shows up, and I guess he's measuring Jerusalem with a ruler so that God knows how big of a wall of fire he's going to have to build around it. with a ruler so that God knows how big of a wall of fire he's going to have to build around it? Would he start protecting your castle lair with similar devices to Bowser,

evil king of the hoopoe? It's no longer clear to me you're the good guy in the book. I can't get behind that anymore. Are you the one going right? Or the one preventing the going of right? Then we get a cameo appearance from Joshua and Satan, who are appearing before Judge Judy.

Right. And seriously. Satan is there. All of a sudden, hi, Satan. And everybody looks at Joshua and they say, well, his clothes are just filthy. He must be guilty of something. But then, luckily, the angel of the Lord shows up and gives him new clothes, and then everybody changes their mind, I guess. Look at those duds.

But Satan's such a huge letdown. Instead of this big courtroom scene, again, Satan's one of the lawyers. And then nothing happens related to the biggest bad guy in the universe being there as a lawyer. And he's never mentioned again in the chapter. No clever, evil banter with Joshua or the annoyed southern judge. Like, nothing. No Satan-y stuff. Shit.

Then a scroll comes flying by, and I'm half expecting some goose-stepping hammers to show up behind me. And Zacharias says, hey, what's up with the flying scroll? And God says, I sent it out to devour the homes of thieves. That's what the scroll's doing. What do you do with a giant flying scroll? And I want to emphasize, this all happens. The angel points to a basket hanging from the house-eating flying scroll.

As if this isn't weird enough. Not at all. And there's an ant. Not strange at all. And then a woman pops out of the basket. Is there a fucking basket hanging from a scroll? The angel yells that she's wicked and stuffs her back in the basket,

puts a lid on it. And then... Right. And then... Right, and then the two bird women pop out and use their stork wings to fly the basket to Babylon, obviously. Of course they did. Much beware, they're getting all the fantastic drugs they're taking during this particular book. After which we get four chariots, each with their own color of horses, that are heading out to destroy Earth one compass point at a time. Then in chapter 7, if I'm getting all this, a bunch of guys show up to ask God some questions.

And one of the ones that they ask is like, hey, should I mourn and abstain for a month every year? And God says, I'm going to fuck you up one way or the other. What does it matter if you abstain? Hey, Jew God, should we throw a Ramadan party? Yeah, go ahead. Throw a Ramadan party. See what happens. That's exactly the type of thing that I like.

And then we get chapter nine, which is where some other person clearly added some stuff later that isn't even remotely similar stylistically to the rest of the book. It's not about the same shit. Basically, a later author is trading on Zechariah's reputation, apparently. How bad does your own reputation have to be before you're increasing your credibility by attributing your words to a hallucinating lunatic? Seriously. Well, no, but I hate to say it, but it's still true. I mean, if Heath and I could sneak the shit porn skit into the back end of Zechariah and all the new Bibles,

back end of Zechariah and all the new Bibles, you would, within a generation, you'd see prominent theologians with PhDs making the argument that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a real movie. You would still increase your fucking... They'd get good at it. Yeah, right. They'd have clever shit. Levels of how good you are

at resolving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles problem. Right. So anyway, we get a now for something completely different chapter about God killing the enemies of the Jews again. Oh, and by the way, just one last thing. It's not a really big deal. The Messiah of the universe might show up on a donkey

right now. Or 500 years from now. Or not at all. And then we get this really interesting apologetic. Zechariah says, have you ever noticed that when you pray to a real god, it rains, but when you pray to all these fake gods, it doesn't? No?

You never noticed that? And it can be tested? Never mind. Pretend I never said anything. Pretend that wasn't. Yeah, and just don't get all fancy with your prayers. Keep that shit in God's wheelhouse. It makes it a lot easier.

Keep praying for rain as it's falling. Right, right. Keep praying for the bad stuff that's not happening to continue not happening because that's him. Yes, that's God doing that. Then God gets back to kicking the fuck out of Israel's enemies.

He never takes a break from it for long, does he? And then God throws out another shitty analogy about sheeps and staffs. And I keep thinking it's going to get kinky and it never quite does. It'seps and staffs, and I keep thinking it's going to get kinky, and it never quite does. It's my two staffs. I call them Beauty and Bonds. Hentai?

No. Right. I can totally see why you might, but no, no, no. This is just another horrible metaphor that I need to explain. In chapter 12, he prophecies about an army of super Jews,

so we still have that to look forward to. Eventually, yeah. Wait until you see what I pull off. You'll be crying like Hadad Riman in the Plain of Megiddo. We don't get that reference. God damn it! You're going to be crying! Just don't question...

The story of Hadad Riman not written in the annals of the kings of blah blah blah... You guys should know this! And then you get chapter 13 which tries to be uplifting and talk about a coming time of peace and plenty. But within it, it also talks about parents stabbing their kids if they prophecy wrong and God turning on the little ones. So safe to say this chapter missed the mark a bit. Maybe a bad bit. No more prophets or they get stabbed, especially the kid ones.

Right. By the way, you're all farmers and everybody's name is Toby. Yeah, God says, we're going to get to the peace and plenty, I promise, but we're going to get there via your city being destroyed, your women being raped, and you being enslaved. But right after that, or eventually after that, peace and plenty. Eventually. And all the armies that attack Jerusalem will rot in their boots, and the ones that don't kiss Jew God's ass

will die of starvation and thirst. That's Zechariah's idea of a happily ever after, by the way. It's the whole Bible's idea. Which brings us to the long-awaited

final book of the Old Testament, Malachi. In chapter one, God is apparently pissed because the cows and the chickens the people are bringing

to the priest aren't succulent enough. God likes his priest to have succulent chickens and cows, apparently. Does everybody see what's happening here? The rabbis just gave themselves a raise, like, right in the Bible. This entire book is just rabbis rewriting better contracts for themselves in the form of crazy people delivering God's messages that they should have a better contract. That just keeps happening.

Right. And then in chapter 2, God makes it clear what will happen if you don't bring better chickens and cows. And as far as God's punishment goes, this is pretty light, I guess. But he vows to smear shit on the faces of the people whose offerings displease him. Here's what he's going to let the offering take a shit, and then he's going to smear that shit on the person that offered its face. And it actually says that. And then you get carried off. Well, it's not clear, but I guess a wheelbarrow full of that particular type of shit.

Right. So we're not miscegenating the shit here. We're that giant shitty elephant. Right. And you're not even embellishing that at all. That's exactly what? Right. So we're not miscegenating the shit here. What about that giant shitty elephant? Right. And you're not even embellishing that at all. That's exactly what it says. Malachi chapter 2, verse 3. Look that shit up.

It's nasty. There's shit smearing on the face in the Bible. Yeah, and God can't remember his son's name for sure right here, but one of his sons might be coming back to help out with this dirty Sanchez problem, and maybe he'll redeem humanity too. We're not sure. Be ready for that. Something like that. And then God reminds everybody that it's not just cows and chickens the priests need. They also

need your money. Yes. Shackles. Yes. The Bible ends like this show. They're asking for money. No surprise to me whatsoever that that's how they closed it. And you know what? Just give the money straight to the rabbis and they'll hold it for God. They're a really safe loan sharking pile right here.

And then there's a vague maybe Jesus is coming kind of cliffhanger at the end there. Sell those action figures. Right. Articulate. Crucified. Resurrect. Oh my God. The Old Testament was so anticlimactic that I half expected a little mushroom at the end of Malachi

to tell me my Savior was in another castle. Very disappointed. So, out with the old, in with the new. We're going to take a short break from the Bible, though. Three weeks from now, instead of doing a babble, we're going to be wrapping up the Old Testament, sending it off in style, and celebrating the fact that we never have to read it again. Hell yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

Booyah. Amen, brother, sister, man. Run, grab the young'uns, folks. It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. Today we're going to crack open our Bibles to the New Testament for the first time and learn all about the baby Jesus. We'll be looking at two

different Gospels because half of them didn't think the fact that Jesus was born to a virgin was important enough to record. So we'll ignore John and Mark and focus on Matthew and Luke, even though they contradict each other. So once upon a time, there was a woman named Mary, and she was a virgin, which means that she had never had a penis inside of her before or at least not in her vagina we're not sure if she had any in her mouth or in her anus because the Bible doesn't say but she definitely never had one in her vagina then one day an angel came to her and told her that she was gonna have a baby named Jesus and she said said, how can that be, angel? I'm a virgin. And the angel said,

sure you are, but don't worry. The Lord will blow a load on you and you'll get pregnant. Well, Mary wasn't so sure about that. But when she woke up in the morning with sticky eyebrows and a swollen belly, she couldn't deny it any longer. Moms went by and she got more and more pregnant. And just when she was about to have the baby, the evil King Herod called for a census that required all the Jews to go to the homes of their ancestors. And while this definitely never happened, makes absolutely no sense and is contradicted by at least half the stories of Jesus's birth that we have. It has to be true for everybody to pretend that Jesus fulfilled all those Old Testament prophecies

so people with PhDs act like it doesn't reek of bullshit. So Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem, and little Jesus was born along the way. But they couldn't find an inn where they could stay the night, so they slept in a barn because either Joseph was a shitty husband or he was still pissed at Mary for boning some prehistoric deity. Well, that night, three wise men showed up, or an angel showed up, depending on who you ask, and told them that their baby would grow up to be the king of the Jews. And then, the wise men also told the present king about this infant rival that would one day supplant him.

So, to nobody's surprise, except the idiots who everybody still calls wise for some reason, Herod decided to kill the baby. And just to make sure that he got the right baby, he decided to kill all the babies and all the kids up to the age of two, even though Jesus was definitely way younger than two. So thousands and thousands of babies were stabbed through the heart while their weeping mother still clutched them to their breast. But that's okay, because Jesus and his family snuck him away in time. And also, none of this ever happened. The end. baking a turkey for Christmas this year. Now, are you saying that she shouldn't call 785-273-0325

to ensure the bird doesn't have a strain of avian flu? End quote. Excellent question, Michael. Now, I think it's important to point out that neither Heath nor I are medical professionals, and to stay on the right side of the law here, I don't know that we can make this blanket assertion. So, well, to the best of my understanding, that's the phone number for the Westboro Baptist Church

and not the phone number for an avian turkey flu hotline. I don't want to be held legally responsible if you get avian turkey flu after not calling 785-273-0325. Trust us, we have called 785-273-0325 plenty of times just to be completely sure

they don't have any information about avian flu and they have been very clear about it they do not so no, Michael, they are definitely not fielding avian flu questions nor bird inquiries of any kind and they're quite certain well they're fielding some

just not intentionally now we also need to make a quick correction or actually addition to our top ten last week. You'll recall we talked about some gamers in Australia that were pissed about Target choosing not to carry a violent, misogynistic video game, so they vowed to boycott Target unless they also removed all those violent,

misogynistic Bibles. Well, as it turns out, Target in Australia doesn't actually carry Bibles, so hearts were in the right place, but apparently they had more important things to do than their homework on this one. I wonder what that might have been. Thanks to Adam and Donovan for pointing this one out to us. Yeah, exactly. We didn't get anything wrong, exactly, but it's still an error of omission,

and I'm pissed that we let it slip by because it's way funnier when you know the whole story. And now you do. So if nothing else, the simple act of not carrying Bibles improves my opinion of Australian Target. Absolutely. Now, we also got a text message from 785-273-0325. It reads, quote, what the expletive deleted is wrong with your expletive deletedly. Let's just skip this one. Yeah, right.

It says turkey in there somewhere. Now, there's also two iTunes reviews that I wanted to acknowledge. And I know we normally don't do this, but both of them were positive reviews with criticism. Sunshine Superman gave us a four-star review and knocked us one star for losing our luster. He then went on to list a few of the bits that he did and didn't care for in the show.

That's good stuff. Tell us these things. Walk us through podcasting like a clumsy virgin, if need be. It's good for you. We're doing this. Please keep touching our penis. And there was also a five-star review from Gavilan Trackend, who said, among other things,

my only complaint is that they don't talk about their fantasy football league enough. I don't quite understand the mechanics of grown-up Pokemon, but as I understand it, Noah's a very good trainer, and I wish I knew more about his many victories. Now, that's how to criticize our show, guys. When you're being sarcastic, you are speaking my language. So quick apology. We probably got a little carried away with fantasy football shit last week. So if we bored the shit out of you last week with that, I'm very sorry,

and I promise not to talk about it. This is definitely a reasonable point. Might have gone overboard on the fantasy football talk. Going on and on about how I'm leading all teams in points and record over the existence of the league. Blah, blah, blah. Nobody wants to hear that. But just in case we do it again, and you really don't care about NFL football at all, just imagine us instead talking shit about your personal over-competitive obsession.

You all have one. Yeah, that helps. And imagine that. But the larger point is that I want to encourage listeners to follow Sunshine and Gavilan's lead here. If you like 90% of the show, tell us about the other 10%. We don't have a test audience or anything, and we want to make this show better next year than it was this year.

Your feedback is often all we have to go on, and at least important conversations between Heath and me. So keep the criticism coming, by all means. And if you want to couch it in effusive praise, that's fine as well. Yes, absolutely. Excellent point. But like I said, we don't know which segments hit or miss without your feedback, so please help

us entertain you. Right. For example, Sunshine Superman loves the babble, the poems, and the interviews, but doesn't care for the top ten. Doesn't think it's very original. Right. So this week, we're going to dedicate our top ten to Sunshine Superman. Top ten reasons we're not for the top ten. Doesn't think it's very original. Right. So this week, we're going to dedicate our top ten to Sunshine Superman. Top ten reasons we're not doing a top ten this week. Go.

And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those tweets. Send Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Meanwhile, in the demented recesses of Bill O'Reilly's delusional paranoia... Dammit, I want answers. We've got a hundred planes enforcing a no-fly zone around the Arctic Circle, and still these presents are getting out.

What the hell is going on? I don't know, sir. We've had no report of elf activity. Well, then where the hell is all this joy coming from? We have actionable intelligence here of an interfaith choir spreading happiness in San Francisco. San Francisco! That's our own backyard for Darwin's sake. Here, sir, have a baby. You're just not yourself when you're hungry. I'm too riled up to eat. We've been fighting this war on Christmas for decades now, and what do we have to show for it?

Despite our best efforts, we haven't even whittled it down to Horismus yet. Yes, sir. And whatever happened to Operation Grinch? Operation Get Rid of Illuminated Nativities in Citizens' Homes, sir? It was a nonismus yet. Yes, sir. And whatever happened to Operation Grinch? Operation Get Rid of Illuminated Nativities in Citizens' Homes, sir? It was a non-starter. Well, why? What the hell happened? Well, thanks to a Facebook meme, our drones couldn't

tell which ones were silhouettes of the nativity and which ones were silhouettes of Tyrannosaurus fighting over Easter eggs, sir. It was a complete mess. Darwin, dammit. Look, the doomsday device runs on the tears of the innocent. We've tried baby flesh, we've tried puppies, we've tried pureed bald eagles, we've tried everything. The only fuel powerful enough to destroy Jesus once and for all is the tears of the innocent. I know, sir.

Do you? Because you don't act like it. All this festive non-suffering, it pains the God-sized hole in my heart to see it. Would you like some aborted fetuses, sir? That always improves your mood. Ah, maybe later. I've got to get back to work. We've lost the battle, but that doesn't mean we've lost the war. 2015 will be our year.

Of course it will, sir. No more Christmas. Yes, sir. It'll just be... It'll just be mess. Of course it will, sir. great season, and I also wanted to thank all the listeners that patiently grinned their way through all the many diversions from humility that my ultimate and total victory inspired along the way. It's over now. I promise not to bring it up until next year. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but we're back in 10,022 minutes

with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, follow the blog at skatingatheist.com, name an asteroid after us if you're in the position to do so, and subscribe to our soon-to-be-active-again YouTube page. Obviously, I can't close things out without once more thanking Heath for all the stuff he does that I know about, and some of the stuff that he does that I don't know about.

I need to thank the beautiful and talented Lucinda Lusions for taking on a bigger-than-normal workload this week and delivering as she always does. And I also want to thank Carl from the Post-Rapture Looting Podcast for playing Santa for the purposes of this week's Farnsworth quote. I also have to thank the numerous others who responded to my call for a Santa impersonation this week. Sorry to everybody who sent a clip that I didn't use,

but in the end, there could be only one. And, of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's most spectacular specimens, James, Dimitri, Matthew, Dave, Adam, Kitty, Couture, Say, Cameron, Jim, Will, Steve, Greg, Craig, Don, John, and Richard. James, Dimitri, Matthew, Dave, and Adam, whose brilliance is overshadowed only by their mighty erections, Kitty, Couture, Say, Cameron, Jim, Will, and Steve, whose IQ gives pi-digit envy, andse, Cameron, Jim, Will, and Steve, whose IQ gives pi-digit envy,

and Greg, Craig, Don, John, and Richard, whose cocks are so vast that today Archimedes would just be looking for the fulcrum. Together, these 15 phenomenally photogenic philanthropists have proved their bravery in the only way that matters, by giving us money. Not everybody has the physical prowess and globally acknowledged sexual vivacity

that it takes to give us money, but if you think you can cut the muster, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist where you'll also earn longer episodes sooner and other bonuses. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com

And if you'd love to help, but giving money is against your religion, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes or other podcast rating locations. You can also help bump up our Stitcher ranking by downloading the Stitcher app and listening to us there. That's what all the cool kids are doing. And of course, if you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact

info on the contact page at skatingindies.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Do you want to try that one more time? Yes, I do. Superfluously, fuck.