The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 98: Inacupuncture Edition

Episode Date: January 1, 2015

In this episode we'll learn why Argentinians always buy their silver bullets in packs of seven, Michele Bachman will finally reveal what the hell happened to the other L in her first name, and we'll take a moment in remembrance of all the lives lost in the War on Christmas.

Warning, none of us made any resolutions about cleaning up our dirty mouths this year. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Colgate's of Heaven Profanity Counteracting Christian Toothpaste. Wash away the sins of foul language and blasphemy with every brush. Guaranteed to make your purgatory sentence three shades lighter. Colgate's of Heaven keeps your breath mini-fresh, even when everything that comes out of it is total bullshit and now the skating atheist hey everybody i'm uh i'm just a fan calling in but uh i wanted

y'all to know that i i totally agree with noah we did in fact evolve from some filthy sexy monkey men and women. Yeah. It's Hangover Thursday. It's 2015 now. And it's time to start talking about it. Warren Colbert in 2016. I'm Noah Lusia. I'm Heathen Wright.

And from somewhere near Fitzgerald, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Apes. In this week's episode, we'll learn why Argentinians buy their silver bullets in packs of seven. Sarah Palin discusses some trigemometry. And we'll take a moment to mourn all those that were lost in the war on Christmas. But first, the diatribe. You know, I'll admit that when we first conceived of this show, we were hoping that it would speak to people like us. You know, people for whom religion is as alien as the deep ocean.

Atheists who walk through the religious landscape of America like a baffled anthropologist, wishing for the detachment to simply be amused by this strange vestigial intellectual glitch, but far too dependent on the continued existence of statewide civilization to entirely divorce ourselves from it and its outcome especially the people like that who think poop is funny and in this effort i feel like we've largely succeeded but there's also this unexpected wing of our audience it's a group of people that i don't exactly understand see i wriggled out of my family's religion before my nuts dropped and heath was raised an atheist my wife saw the man behind the curtain pretty young too so for the most part i went into this show with very little familiarity with recent converts to atheism.

You know, I know that they're listening because they write to us from time to time, but I don't know that I can entirely get into their heads. And because of that, I don't know that I can exactly speak to them. I mean, when I think about the things that they're dealing with, these things are almost as alien to me as the things that motivate religious people. I email with grown adults, nonbelievers, that still wake in a cold sweat from time to time, fearing that Satan has a barbed dildo with their name on it somewhere. People who have escaped the intellectual belief in their religion but are still digging their way through that emotional catacomb that their upbringing built for them. Some of them tell us that our show helps them because it allows them to point back at their younger selves and laugh. Some of them tell us that we've helped galvanize the fact that they

had the rational high ground in this faith debate the whole laugh. Some of them tell us that we've helped galvanize the fact that they had the rational high ground in this faith debate the whole time. Some of them tell us that our flippant disregard for what they once so venerated is cathartic, and we always love to hear that stuff, even if it fell outside of our original mission statement. But sometimes they also ask questions, and I just don't even know where to start. You know, a perfect example is a recent email I got from a guy wanting to know how I dealt with the notion of oblivion. This is actually probably the most common question that we get from people who deconverted as adults. How do you cope with the knowledge that when you die, you're just dead?

And like I said, I can't even get a grip on this question. To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what's being asked. It's not something that I cope with any more than I cope with the fact that you can't divide by zero. I don't mean to come off as cavalier, of course, because I'm not looking forward to dying any more than the next guy. I'm afraid to die. I'm actively avoiding dying. But I don't deal with it on a day-to-day basis, except in the sense that I put on a seatbelt and don't drink chlorine. In fact, I feel like worrying about death is a byproduct of misunderstanding it. Obviously, none of us wants to think about us not being around anymore,

but I think most of that stems from our inability to wrap our heads around the idea that we won't be here to observe us not being here. I mean, of all the tasks that I'm expected to accomplish, oblivion is certainly going to be the least challenging. So are people asking how I prepare to not exist? And generally, when we get this question, I point to the Twain observation that he was already non-existent once, and he didn't recall it being all that bothersome. But I'm afraid that comes off as a platitude. And I don't know for sure because, again, I don't entirely understand the question. Look, I'll freely admit that this could be a byproduct of my upbringing. You know, I never expected an afterlife, so I never had to go through the whole thing where you suddenly realize that you don't get one. That could be the explanation.

But the more I deal with the question, the more I've come to favor an alternative explanation. It's not that I don't understand the question. It may be that nobody understands this question. A variation of that same email underscores the point, and it's a question that I've heard a lot. It's a question that I think all atheists hear a lot. If we all cease to exist at the end, what is the ultimate purpose in life?

And whenever I get that question, I answer it with another question. I preempt it with an assurance that I'm not being purposefully obtuse here or anything, and then I ask, what would the ultimate purpose be if we didn't die? I've asked a lot of people that question, and I've never gotten an answer. Ultimate purpose is a tricky proposition, because in a sense, it begs the question.

For life to have an ultimate purpose, it would have to have a conscious author. Science tells us that life arises through physical processes that aren't fundamentally different than the ones that bring about rocks and pulsars. But nobody asks what's the ultimate purpose of a rock or a pulsar. Purpose isn't something that exists in nature. Nature simply is and gives zero shits about how things work out. They just do. But of course, unlike a rock, we actually are conscious authors. Unlike a pulsar, we can create purpose.

We can give our lives meanings that aren't possible for inanimate matter. In fact, one almost can't help but give one's life meaning. The only way you can fuck this up is to either lose track of the fact that you're mortal, or hand that power over to somebody else. Religion, of course, does both. So sure, maybe it does offer you this gift-wrapped, one-size-fits-all purpose, but what is that purpose? To please God?

To obey a mute dictator? To adhere to random, unexamined dictates? To reinforce a one-sided relationship with an imaginary being? How is that any kind of purpose? Atheists or no, we all have to deal with the question, what is the purpose of my life? What am I going to do with the time that I get? What echo will I leave in the world when I'm gone? That's a question that we can all stress about together, but in the end, it's not one that somebody else can answer for you. My purpose is to make dick jokes about Jesus. Maybe it's not the most noble purpose. You know, it's not the one that the tests in elementary school suggested I would end up with, but it's something that gives me satisfaction. That's my verse. And maybe that's not my ultimate purpose, but it's the one that

works for me in this moment. You know, the real fear that's reflected in this question isn't the fear about ultimate purpose. It's the realization that if you never take the reins, you're in real danger of wasting your entire life. And again, wasting your life is a hell of a lot easier to do if you've been convinced that this is just your warm-up life. Sure, maybe you fucked this one up, but you still have eternity to get it right, right? But you don't. You've got one chance. You have half a billion breaths and then it's over. And while nobody can tell you what your purpose is but you, I can tell you for certain that it isn't worrying about what your ultimate purpose is. Every breath you spend on that is one you wasted. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines

tonight is a man who speaks fluent Tourette's, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to take full advantage of our lack of FCC oversight? Shit! Fuck! Cunt! Preemie! AIDS! In our lead story tonight, NBC News spent seven entirely credulous minutes last week asking the important question, what the fuck do these doctors know? Reporter and incoherent idiot Cynthia McFadden did an interview with Father John Murray, a Brooklyn priest who was told he would never walk again after his fall. Within a few years, through intense physical therapy at the hands of qualified therapists

working through entirely science-based means and prayer, he regained limited use of his legs, which the story gullibly presents as a de facto miracle. Absurd. Okay, the other thing is, this guy's a priest. Are we supposed to believe that a layperson like ourself, without all the wizardry training, and we don't have to say the right spells or nothing, we're going to pull this off too?

We're going to be standing in a wheelchair? No, I don't believe that. Now, don't worry, of course, a single undocumented anecdote wasn't all the evidence they presented in this story. It was just the best evidence they presented in this story. Later, they interviewed one Dr. Harold Koenig, the professor who runs Duke University's Center for Spirituality,

Theology, and Health, whose entire livelihood relies on this not being total bullshit, and he assured us that it wasn't total bullshit. Get out of here! No, who'd have thunk it? He explained that people who are part of a supportive community and have a relationship with God live longer and have better states of well-being. But you can't.

Right. It's no different than saying people who eat a healthy diet and fuck squids live longer. It's true. You're spoiling it all. And if religious people live longer, as a statistic, that means it works for the wrong religions, too. So all that's been shown is that if you want to live longer, go out and start a club about something that's either true or false. That's what the data shows. Useless information.

Right. Now, the story does soft-pedal a shred of skepticism at the end by admitting that, quote, other doctors call stories about the power of prayer anecdotal, end quote. Because that's what the goddamn word anecdote means. She might as well have just said, other doctors call stories about the powers of prayer tales about the powers of prayer. The stories about things are anecdotes. And, by the way, on a somewhat related note,

anecdotes are how we made medical decisions back when we thought you could cure bubonic fucking plague with foul smells and shit. Did that work, though? Yeah, no! Luckily, today we have science and stuff so we can test what works and what doesn't. We've tested intercessory prayer. They don't work, which is why the idiots who think that prayer has a place in medicine use anecdotes. And in please-go-back-to-electing-retired-fake-wrestlers news tonight,

And then please go back to electing retired fake wrestlers news tonight. Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman is angry at President Obama for supporting Islamic Jihad, undermining the safety of Israel, and also using a patronizing tone with her at a holiday party earlier this month. As far as I could tell, here's what happened. She asked if she could press the big red button, and the president said no. You absolutely cannot, but it's so cute how you're maniacally insane like that. It's a good thing you're leaving office. Now, maybe I'm not telling the story exactly, but that's pretty much what happened. Well, I'm sure that's how it goes when Obama tells the story. And her story is the same.

Right, right. And by the way, isn't she the greatest thing that ever happened for Ventura? Looking sane in comparison. During an interview with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, Bachman accidentally explained exactly how it all went down without realizing she would need to change the story if she didn't want to sound like a fucking moron. Quote, I asked him to please endan's nuclear program because we have the capacity to end it and i said blowing them mr president yeah i don't know mr president this will be on your watch he laughed at me condescendingly and he said well michelle it isn't that easy but that's okay like patting me on the head like like I didn't know what I was talking about, end quote.

No, no, it wasn't like you didn't know what you were talking about. It was you didn't know what you were talking about. You started strong because it was like patting you on the head. Yeah, you were with the simile at first. Right, right, but despite what your Bible suggests, a horn cannot act as an analogy for a horn. Your Bible suggests a horn cannot act as an analogy for a horn. Okay, so I'm picturing this interaction, and you've got to assume it happened just about exactly like Bachman described. I don't doubt it at all. Fantastic.

Obama clearly doesn't care about being nice anymore. Can we end Iran's nuclear program after school today? Sure we could, kiddo. Yeah. Shoulder punch. Yeah. We have the capacity to end Iran after school, whenever you want. Yeah.

All together. Yeah. We could end their nuclear program at any time. And their traffic problem. Yeah. We've been able to end Iran with a button press whenever we feel like it for about half a century now. Yet all those presidents, myself included, and all those watches, we chose not to.

There's lots of stuff we could do at any time as the United States. And again, this is why I'm in charge of all the red buttons. And again, no, you can't press any of them. You're not even allowed near them. And in Shah Wright news tonight, the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, kind of made things awkward for reasonable people by taking what seems to be a somewhat reasonable, albeit still absurd considering the source, but a reasonable, I guess, stance against abuse of force by police in the United States. In a series of tweets, often using the hashtag Black Lives Matter, he blasted the American government for allowing police to oppress minority groups, comparing their situation to that of Palestinians in Gaza. I mean, it's not his best analogy, but I guess I see the point he's trying to make.

Well, I mean, you know, look, I'm not quite with him on the whole death to America thing, but he's making a better and better case for it. It's like maybe not death exactly, but I don't know. Like, I'm up to itchy. You know, like uncomfortable rash that almost rises to the level of medical intervention to America. I would chant that with him. I got a mindfuck of that. We deserve that.

We deserve that. Okay, so here's his tweet on Christmas Eve. Quote, if hashtag Jesus were among us today, he wouldn't spare a second to fight the arrogance and support the oppressed. Hashtag Ferguson. Hashtag Gaza. End quote. Okay, first of all, that actually made sense, but you're not helping. You think racist cops all over the United States were just waiting for the Ayatollah

to weigh in on it? Now all of a sudden there's rubber bullets? No! You're just making us look bad. What do Muslims say about it? It's great you agree with reasonable stuff sometimes, but still, shh, just shh, don't tell us about it. Who cares?

stuff sometimes but still just don't tell us about who cares what especially we all know what you really mean is hashtag black male muslim lives matter right yeah yeah exactly how much darker to the people that isis is crucifying have to get before you chime in on their behalf and in denial and denial news tonight i'm forced to break my post prometheus vow to never use the name ridley scott in the same sentence as the word accuracy because of a bunch of haughty zealots in Egypt. Egyptian officials recently moved to ban the formerly brilliant director's new film Exodus Gods and Kings due to what they deemed historical inaccuracies. Really? Oh, I guess they're talking about the part where the Egyptians enslaved all those Jewish people with no bones or teeth that one time? Or artifacts of any kind.

Egyptian circumcision was hardcore, bro. I was like, dental circumcision? They were serious. They were already mummifying, so yeah, it's like pre-mummification. They're doing some weird shit. You guys are weird. To the credit of the Egyptian cultural ministries, the movie does show the Jews building Egyptian cities, which is extraordinarily discredited or the whore shit. You guys are weird. To the credit of the Egyptian cultural ministries, the movie does show the Jews building Egyptian cities, which is extraordinarily discredited or the horror shit that gives people a woefully inaccurate view of both history and the ability of Jews to do physical labor.

But another inaccuracy pointed to by the ministry was the portrayal of the parting of the Red Sea as a title phenomenon instead of a true miracle. I'm sorry, a title? The whole DMC, yes. I haven't seen the movie, can't comment. So apparently they're not pissed that the movie was inaccurate as much as they're pissed that it was inaccurate in the wrong ways. It was inaccurate incorrectly. Okay, I guess.

I guess they weren't happy about that disclaimer at the end that said no Jews were harmed in the making of this film. That couldn't have gone over well in Egypt either. Well, they did call the movie a Zionist conspiracy. Well, it's a movie. Yeah, this is the movie the Jews made over here. They also point to other historical inaccuracies in the film, such as the fact that Moses is shown carrying a sword instead of a staff,

that he's acting like a warrior, and that he exists as a physical human being. In related news, Egypt has also retroactively banned previous Christian Bale movies on the ground that Ra's al Ghul never taught Batman martial arts. It was famed Japanese ninja Kuriji and world champion boxer Ted Grant. And in

Don't Cry at the Moon for Me Argentina news tonight. President of Argentina, Christina Kirchner adopted a Jewish werewolf as her godson last week. No, she didn't. This happened. I know what you're thinking, though. That sounds ridiculous. Jewish werewolf?

Okay, here's how it all happened. Here's how it all happened. If a mother gives birth to a seventh son in a row, that son becomes a werewolf. Argentina knows this. And they have a long, successful history of preventing werewolves by murdering these seventh sons before they transform. That's why they don't have any werewolves in Argentina,

because Christian people are really smart. I guess that makes perfect sense. But, you know, in their defense, what the hell else are they going to do? They're going to abort? They're going to use a condom? That stuff is sinful. Right. You know, nobody's saying infanticide is a good option, but that doesn't mean it's not the best option.

Sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Quick math recap of what this all means. Please. Of all the families with seven children, one out of every 128 need to think about killing a son or raising a magical wolf. Plus, and that's not even counting the son murdering in all the families that had more than seven kids and didn't start the boy street. And don't forget, these are pretty much all Catholics. These women can get pregnant swallowing. So I'm sure they have plenty of families with seven or more kids.

So it's a good amount of son murdering versus magical wolf decisions. This is going to be the craziest concept we've ever discussed on this show. Catholic women swallowing? Give me a fucking break. Here's where it gets crazier, if that's possible. At some point in the 1920s, the government realized

it might be worth the risks of werewolves to prevent all the infanticides. So they set up a rewards program for parents offering presidential protection prizes. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Presidential protection from the werewolves? Like, if your son turns into a werewolf, the president will come and save you?

Secret service protection of some sort in an official capacity and scholarship money through the age of 21 to the parents willing to not murder their seventh son. At least until they're 21. Right. Really, they're not even preventing until 21. Yeah, just the young werewolves. But the plan only covered Catholics in the original law. in the original law, so the infanticide continued, albeit in smaller numbers, until five years ago when Argentina finally extended the offer to all the religions

that were murdering children for this werewolf thing. And in the end, this all led to 21-year-old Yair Tawil becoming the first Jewish werewolf godson of Argentina. And that's why it snows in the suburbs. I will say, though, first Jewish werewolf godson of Argentina? That sounds like a TV show my wife would watch. And speaking of my lovely wife, we're going to take a quick break from wondering what a wolf in a yarmulke looks like

and hand things over to the beautiful Lucinda Lusions. Do you think that the yarmulke goes away when he's a wolf and then comes back like Optimus Prime's trailer? Just show up out of nowhere? A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This week in Massage. Since I spend so much of this segment talking about the assholes, shitheads, douche-guzzlers, and fucktards, I thought it would be nice to start the new year off by focusing on a few of the good guys for a change. We'll start with a shout-out to Elizabeth Plank, senior editor at the online site Mike.com. You may have seen a hilarious YouTube video that she produced where she asked a group of men to draw a vagina. And judging by the

lack of detail in most of the drawings, I can only assume that they thought she meant post-FGM. With references to things like the baby hole, the pee hole, and no man's land, I'd call it a hilarious and ingenious way to make a point about all the men sponsoring legislation about women's reproductive rights. If you'd like to see it for yourself, I'll be sure to include the link in the show notes for this episode. Next up is somebody who did a hell of a lot more than embarrass a couple of guys on YouTube. I have zero chance of getting her name right, but let's say Lujan El Ahlal is facing charges of terrorism in Saudi Arabia for the charge of operating a vehicle while under the influence of estrogen. The 25-year-old activist attempted to drive across

the border from the UAE last month, along with a reporter who documented the occasion. Well, it turns out that driving was one thing, but tweeting quite another. And because the story was disseminated on social media, the charge went from driving without a penis to cyberterrorism. Since there are no actual legal standards in Saudi Arabia, there's no way to say what the maximum punishment they might face is, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it won't be community service. But as big a deal as it is to risk one's life to stand up to institutionalized sexism, it pales in comparison to the next story, where one person rose above all others in

the effort to create a world of gender equality. And of course, our listeners down under already know that I'm talking about their Prime Minister and Feminist-in-Chief, Tony Abbott. The self-declared Minister for Women was asked on a recent television show what his chief accomplishment for women was in 2014. And because his talking points were set in stone, regardless of the order of the questions, he pointed to his controversial repeal on the carbon tax and explained that he did it all for the ladies.

Abbott said, quote, Women are particularly focused on the household budget, and the repeal of the carbon tax means a $550 a year benefit for the average family. End quote. Of course, as anybody familiar with Abbott's gaffes already knows, this may be the least paternalistic thing he's ever said. Hell, at least he didn't remind all the little ladies that the carbon tax would make it more expensive to do the ironing,

like he actually did back in 2010. So fine, I guess I couldn't get all the way through without focusing on one shitheading, douche-guzzling, fuck-tarded asshole. But what the hell? I made it almost two full minutes before I broke my resolution, and that's not bad. Until next time, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And from the More Like Dar-Lose file... Burn! Lose, Darwin, lose! Influencers! Sodomizer of history and blatant misappropriation more like Dar-lose-file. Burn! Lose, Darwin, lose! Influencers! Sodomizer of history and blatant misappropriation of cerebrospinal fluid,

David Barton made Ridley Scott's movie look historically accurate in comparison during an October speech that just came to our attention thanks to RightWingWatch.org. Love those guys. In the speech, Barton alluded to the extensive writings

of America's founding fathers about why evolution is wrong. This despite the fact that On the Origin of Species was published in 1859, more than a quarter of a century after the last of the founding fathers was dead. They died of, like, rickets and polio and, like, colds. Why do we even care about their opinion on biology anyway? Right. So even if you were right, it would be meaningless and you're not right.

But upon being made aware of this discrepancy, Barton explained that Darwin didn't come up with this theory of evolution thing so much as compile it in a handy idiot's guide. In a quote that manages to fuck up at least eight branches of history, Barton said, quote, Everything Darwin argued had been established 500 years B.C. All Darwin did was take all the evolutionary thought that was out there and put it in one book to make it really easy to read.

That wasn't original thinking by Darwin. He was just compiling reality. That's nothing. He didn't accomplish anything new. Newton didn't invent gravity. He just discovered it. So this guy thinks scientists from 2,500 years ago invented the theory of evolution yes then

debunked it right then destroyed all the evidence of inventing and debunking it except they forgot all the fossils and surrounding physical universe that's the story this guy's going with this and not only is he sticking with it but he's selling it i guess he figured that since he'd already lost anybody who with a predisposition to fact-checking, he went on to explain that the Founding Fathers also wrote extensively on issues like abortion, gays in the military, and creationism. Now, coincidentally, they monolithically agreed with Barton

on all of these subjects. Get out of here. And if you'd like more detail on exactly what writings he's referring to, he'll be happy to sell you his references in the form of his upcoming book. And then why are you bringing up old shit news tonight, it's been almost months since controversial pastor Mark Driscoll resigned a disgrace from his own ministry,

and in his opinion, he's suffered long enough. He believes that the tens of thousands of minutes that he spent moderately removed from the national limelight is sufficient repentance for the sins of plagiarism, financial misdeeds, abuse of his staff, and sexism that was egregious even by Christian standards. And with his penance served, he's back with a website that is definitely not affiliated with the Mars Hill Church in any way, despite appearances and facts to the contrary.

I guess those aren't real Scottish facts, because there's no way the church from which he just resigned in disgrace is helping him to re-disgrace himself with a new related business. You're correct that that statement definitely isn't true. Now, the website offers sermons and accepts donations, so it's like a church without all the overhead. According to the website, the donations go to an organization called Learning for Living, which they promise to eventually register as a 501c3. Two nice gerunds next to each other, I guess.

Yes, some alliteration maybe. A spokesman for the group explained that Driscoll was motivated by his genuine desire to, quote, make sermons and written content available, much of it for free, some of it for a contribution. End quote. For money. Right. So he was just motivated by a genuine altruistic desire to make money for himself. Standard pastor procedure.

He's like a mobster getting out of jail i gotta start earning right away put me back on the streets get me some heroin whatever we do what else is he gonna do this is what he knows this is what he knows and in classless chaps news tonight gordon special k klingenschmidt brought professional homophobe brian kamenker of anti-gay hate group mass resistance onto his show last week to discuss the problem of Christian poop because it's resisted by the mask. I would almost forgive the dude for being homophobic if that's what he was going for there. That kind of wordplay is almost enough to make me forgive you. Just so everybody knows, by the way, we talk about this guy all the time.

It's not just that we're terrified about how he's now an actual elected member of the Colorado state government. That is ridiculous, but there member of the Colorado state government. That is ridiculous, but there's plenty of idiots in government. But GoCling's has an actual daily TV show, and every day he puts on his evil villain George Steinbrenner sport jacket turtleneck combo, and he says stuff on that show. That's 30 minutes of lunatic every day. So if anything, we're under-reporting the guy by

a good amount. Bond villain glasses going. And look, the other thing too, the other thing is that the least insane thing that this dude has ever said in his entire life is that there's a team of Kung Fu Locusts trying to steal his libido. There's also that. That factors into the decision

to feature him as well. So Chaps and his homophobic correspondent over there, they start talking about the obvious gay conspiracy that's happening, but they had trouble coming up with any concrete examples of the proactive homosexual recruiting campaigns in public schools. Did they? It's weird. Now, maybe they're just from conservative areas where that's only a minor issue, Did they? It's weird.

Now, maybe they're just from conservative areas where that's only a minor issue, but where I grew up in gay communist New York, our public school curriculum was enormously homosexual. Even back in the 80s and 90s when, you know, that stuff first was invented. We had an entire two-month unit in gym class called Gay. It was serious. So, yes, chaps and other bigoted guy, we know exactly what you're complaining about, and it's exactly as bad as you think.

The homosexuals absolutely did trick a bunch of religious kids into being gay. Of course. And here's how they did it. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, good. Examples of the public school sodomite recruiting campaign that definitely exists. Go. All right.

Of course, the obvious one is the felching band. It's tough, though, because you have to learn to play a rusty trombone while you're marching. And trust me, it's possible, but it's not worth it in the end. There's the scrotery club. Of course. Junior scrotarians servicing the community chesticles. No, I remember thinking about joining the R-O-L-G-B-T-C, but the pube cuts were ridiculous, so i passed obviously uh i guess every school had that the boy luck club right the no child's behind left behind there was national policy for a while right right and every kid wanted to serve on the review board for the

national hummer society they're good at it the gays they're good at the oral sex thing and everybody wants to sit on a staff like that you're're right. Exactly. There's the rainbow collar guard. Those guys are in. We got pole handling and crotch holsters. An effective slogan over the years, I would imagine. Right. It was the getting drilled team. It was like the minor league version of the queer leaders.

Give me an A. Seriously. We had the future bleeders of America. I think their slogan was We can understand your hesitation But it's the good kind of hurt I believe that was their slogan I know I was in the gay and not gay yet alliance

Reaching out by reaching around Good times Best times of my youth There was that varsity gay They had the members-only jacket club. Leather sleeves for beginners. And, of course, all the smart gay kids could get into the Greek organizations because everything is gay or in Greek. Lambda, gamma, beta, tau, I guess.

That would be a good one for them to use because then the rednecks wouldn't know that they were gay. By the way, I was thinking about that. And then for the not-so-smart gay kids, I guess there was that. What was it? The deep vein thrombosis, I think going the second mile in the crappy valley. They had a good slogan, too. I'm willing to bet that even the people who thought they caught all of that joke still missed a few parts of it. I'm proud to close on what has to be the world's first Board of Cooperative Education Services-related anal sex joke.

Heath, you have outdone yourself this week, sir. Butt sex on the short bus! When we come back, we'll explore the mystical Chinese art of being full of shit. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the usually monthly few minutes that we set aside to keep you up to speed with the great atheist, secular, and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world. And since this is our first episode of 2015,

I figured we'd run down the big ones this year, which means that I'll have to do it really quick because there's a lot to hit. We'll start with American Atheist Annual Convention in Memphis, Tennessee on April 2nd through 5th. That's the biggest, baddest annual atheist convention in the country, and they're a real leader in trying new things.

We'll definitely be talking more about that as it approaches, so all I'm going to say now is that Ayn Hersia Lee will be the keynote speaker, and I bet American Atheist has the balls to go through with that. Of course, I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism, or NEXUS, which will once again be taking place in New York, New York. That's going to be April 9th to 12th. Ayaan, a mere two weeks and five states away, you've got ReasonCon 2 in Hickory, North Carolina.

No time for the full guest list in this segment, but suffice to say that if you get there a day early and hit up the VIP dinner, Lucinda, Heath, and I will be entertaining you whilst you eat. That's April 24th and 25th, same weekend, different continent. You got QED in Manchester, England. Starts on April 24th, runs through the 26th, and I do believe that the one and only Matt Dillahunty

will be headlining an all-star guest list, but possibly the most impressive guest list of the year. Honors go to Imagine No Religion 5 in Kamloops, British Columbia on June 5th through the 7th. Dawkins, Kraus, Coyne, Bogosian, I don't even need first names to make that sound impressive. Tickets for that one sell out quickly because there's not much to do in Canada, so if you want in on that, get in early.

But wait, there's more. I've got to go through them super quick. The amazing meeting in Vegas is July 16th through 19th. Lucky number 13 for them. Always a legendary time. The FFRF will be holding their national convention this October 9th through the 11th in Madison, Wisconsin. We also have a much-needed atheist convention in my home state of Georgia. The Atheist Alliance of America's national convention will be taking place in Atlanta on October 15th through the 18th. Again, same weekend, different continent.

You've got the Australian Skeptics National Convention in Brisbane. They actually just wrapped this year's convention on an already hard-at-work plan in the next one. It was a huge success in 2014, and I expect no less from them this year. We've also got Posticon in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, September 11th through the 13th this year's convention on an already hard-at-work plan and the next one. It was a huge success in 2014 and I expect no less from them this year. We've also got Posticon in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania September 11th through the 13th this year. And finally, and similarly named but definitely different, Aposticon in Omaha, Nebraska September 18th through the 20th. We'll be adding

details about all these events as we get closer to them but of course, if you're involved with an Atheist Meetup and you could use a little free publicity, don't hesitate to let me know and let me know early. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. The war on Christmas is a hard thing to quantify for a lot of reasons. There are no accepted units of measure. Nations aren't required to report casualties.

It doesn't exist. Those factors and many others make it tricky to assess how we're doing in our fictional effort to suck all the joy out of Jesus' vaginal release date. Well, we're doing well enough that Sarah Palin and Kirk Cameron thought they needed to save it with some art. At least that well. Now, luckily for us, a recent survey from Pew Forums helped us by attaching some numbers to the secularization of Christmas. The survey was a mixed bag of encouraging and depressing,

but on balance, the war looks more winnable than ever. It does. For example, of six choices presented, attending religious services ranked just below fifth place on things people were looking forward to about Christmas. Number one was visiting family friends. Number two, eating holiday foods. Number three, Christmas music.

What the fuck? Number four, gifts. Number two, eating holiday foods. Number three, Christmas music. What the fuck? Number four, gifts. Number five, decorating. And just below decorating, slightly less desirable than untying a three-mile knot of lights in your garage and then climbing an icy ladder to build a fire hazard on your roof, we have number six, religious services. So Christmas services actually ranked below fruitcake and Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey on people's favorite things about Christmas.

Yes. And at least 60% of people said they had at least some negative feelings about Christmas, with 7% answering they had only negative feelings about it. Though, to be fair, some of them might just have said that in hopes that, like, Kirk Cameron would show up in their SUV later to give them a Christmas pep talk. Hey, calm down. Right. Calm down calm down okay here's another stat we got nearly half of

americans find the holiday to be stressful because of the financial burden and not entirely unrelated nearly half of americans earn less than twenty thousand dollars a year after taxes so yeah i'm guessing probably line up a little bit. Almost a quarter of Americans also find holiday gift-giving to be wasteful, and while a majority say that it makes them feel generous, the aforementioned half that are stressed by the financial burden suggest that at least a sizable portion of Americans don't really get the whole concept of generous.

All right, here's a good one. Here's a good one. 20% of Americans are at least somewhat skeptical about the gizlous baby savior clawing his way past a hymen thing. However, in a deeply depressing related stat, 73% of Americans are quite certain that a virgin fucked a ghost and gave birth to the Messiah. As if God wouldn't blow a load like a shotgun right through her back. Whatever. The survey also found that 81% of people believed Jesus was born in a manger, 75% believed that wise men guided by a star brought gifts and stuff,

and 74% believed an angel announced Jesus' birth to the shepherds. Well, that's depressing as hell. Our country mostly believes all that stuff. And while this number is still depressingly large, at least it's a minority. Only about 44% of Americans think that it should be okay to have Christmas displays on public property without including other religious symbols. Luckily, though, 100% of U.S. constitutions disagree with them on that point. But of course, the numbers can only ever tell you a part of the story.

So to truly understand the carnage that is the war on Christmas, we'll turn to a few of the harrowing stories on the ground. We sure did persecute the shit out of some Christians this year. We got some good stories. We did. Now, while there had been some early skirmishes again this year, the opening salvo in the war on Christmas was fired by undercover atheist operative Neil deGrasse Tyson.

NDT. Well, he isn't strictly speaking an atheist between us. It's okay to admit that he only says that because he wants to keep his job with Fox. Anyway, he fired off a Christmas tweet that enraged Christians across the globe. It read, quote, On this day long ago, a child was born who, by age 30, would transform the world. Happy birthday, Isaac Newton. End quote.

Angry? Apparently angry that he would dare to recognize one of the most transformative intellects in human history on a day that he should have spent venerating a possibly fictitious dead insurrectionist carpenter, Christians across the nation took time off of being with their families, loving their neighbors, and doing unto others as they would have done unto themselves

to tell Tyson what an asshole he was through the kind of pithy witticism we've all come to expect from Twitter theologians. And Jesus wasn't even born on Christmas. Anyway. He wasn't. Also, not that it should have been even slightly necessary, but Tyson even walked everyone through the really tricky logic behind how it's possible to be pro-Newton without also being anti-Jesus.

Right. He also pointed out that mentioning Isaac Newton's birthday isn't exactly the lynchpin of an anti-Jesus. Right. He also pointed out that mentioning Isaac Newton's birthday isn't exactly the lynchpin of an anti-Christian hate tweet campaign. They have problems with the definition of persecution. They really do. And then we almost won the whole thing in Statesboro, Georgia,

when the FFRF put up an atheist banner next to a nativity scene at a courthouse there, and it was definitely just about to destroy the entire holiday for millions of Christians. We had it going. And someone tears down the banner at the last minute. Once again, Christmas goes off without a hitch. Unbelievable. One of these years, though, we're going to get equal privileges for non-Christians

and just ruin December for everyone. It's going to be awesome. Well, not if Catholic warrior Susan Hemrick has anything to say about it. She carried out a daring daylight operation against a satanic display that accompanied the Christian one in a Florida Capitol building. Video is available online of her ravaging the display and then trying to pull it out of the building before this obese 54-year-old was stopped by two security guards

that are just walking at a brisk clip. Like, lady, you can't take that. Beast's 54-year-old was stopped by two security guards that are just walking at a brisk clip like, Lady, you can't take that. Anyway, the Tea Party lunatic who wore a T-shirt that boldly proclaimed her as a Catholic warrior during the escapade faces charges of vandalism for which I'm sure she thinks she'll get a closer seat to Jesus during the big rapture dinner or whatever. All right, so we do have some good stuff. dinner or whatever all right so um we do have some good so we did manage to score a very geeky victory in massachusetts last week complete with a literary illusion did you see this one someone stole the statue of baby jesus from a manger scene in haverhill massachusetts and replaced it with a pig's head that's and this person was obviously making a very germane

reference to the lord of the fliesies character, Piggy, who represented science and intellect and was therefore murdered with his head stuck on top of a tall pike as a reminder to everyone how society deals with smart people. This would be a great message for Christians to take from the stories about that New Testament guy, but they do well with books and metaphors, do they? Well, no. See what happens. Well, only if you compare it to how well they do with women and their jiggly bits. Well, only if you compare it to how well they do with women and their jiggly bits.

The fact that feminine protesters exploited once again when a topless abduction of the baby Jesus in St. Peter's Square nativity scene was thwarted by Vatican security. While the heist was ultimately a failure, there were still boobs involved, which makes it a success in my mind. This is one of those times where we should pause and picture what happened. And we're back. picture what happened and we're back we also had a story from sycamore township ohio where haunted house manager jason dixon constructed a zombie version of the nativity scene on his front and it was awesome fantastic take a look at it and by some strange coincidence his house was inspected by zoning officials for the first time ever, all of a sudden, right away. And it was determined that he's legally required to take down the zombie manger because it takes up a handful too many percentage points of the lawn's total area ratio.

According to the township administrator, and I'm paraphrasing, listen, this wasn't a blasphemy issue. It's about being historically accurate. Everybody knows the zombie part didn't happen for like 33 more years. Most importantly, it was too big. And we're allowed to abuse power if we say it's too big. So, it was too big. No comment on the hundreds of

mansion-size, wacky, waving, inflatable, arm-flailing Santa Claus monstrosities that also littered the area without citation. And you can't move it all closer together because they measure by air displacement in this percentage, of course, as well. But now, as with all wars,

some lives were also lost in the war on Christmas. The latest casualty in this conflict has outraged Spanish animal rights activists. And let's face it, you have to do some pretty fucked up shit to an animal before the Spanish consider it newsworthy. Yeah, they have an annual demon clown steeplechase with human babies as the hurdles. That's what they do when they're not slowly stabbing bulls to death for entertainment.

Sins Festival. Anyway, city officials in the town of Lucena are investigating charges of animal cruelty after an alleged donkey squashing occurred during a nativity reenactment. During the performance, a small donkey was lost after, quote, an obese man clambered over a fence and mounted it, end quote. That's why you don't advertise your nativity reenactment with a sign that says live donkey show. That's what's going to happen.

You've got to be expecting this sort of thing. No, this is a different country that speaks Mexican. And while the idea of a fat man riding a baby donkey is admittedly fucking hilarious, the idea of a baby donkey dying of internal injuries after being crushed by a drunkard is decidedly less so. So I'd like to pause for a minute to reflect on the life of Platero the donkey. The donkey has a name, dude. And all those, in fact, who lost their lives in this year's war on Christmas. in fact, who lost their lives in this year's war on Christmas.

So remember, when you're grinching Christmas presents from toddlers next year, when you're angering God by wishing people happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas, when you're thwarting the will of the founding fathers by insisting that the Constitution they wrote be respected, when you're devouring the flesh of the baby new year, I want you to remember that ours is a higher calling. It is not for our own glory, but for the safety of baby donkeys around the world that we engage in this noble struggle. So raise those Festivus poles, make those fallen angel displays, or Plantero the donkey

shall have died in vain. Amen, brother. Hail Ebenezer. I spent Christmas Day with five generations of Lucinda's family, because the generations come really quick around here, and at one point the most entertaining option the festivities had to offer was watching television with my wife's nonagenarian grandmother. And while I've never wondered how a 93-year-old Southern Baptist uses their television viewing hours,

it came as no surprise to me that every commercial break contained one load of pseudoscientific hokum after another. And that got me to thinking that the true enemy of atheism is less religion and more organized irrationality in all its forms, which inspired a new segment that we're happy to debut in 2015 called How Bullshit Is This? So Heath, what skull-fucking of the scientific method do you have for us today? Today, we'll be talking about the pseudo-ancient, pseudo-medical, pseudo-Chinese, pseudo-science of acupuncture.

Alright, so I actually know a bit about this one because that's what my babysitter told me that the heroin was at first, but for those with less familiarity, why don't you break it down for us? Absolutely. Acupuncture is the mystical art of stabbing people randomly with tiny needles and convincing them to both pay you and let you do it again at which point they'll pay you again wow that sounds like a tricky sell so how do they justify it is very tricky sell they justify it by not actually saying the word magic the idea is that the human body contains a number of meridians through which one's chi or vitality flows. They claim that many pains and stresses are

caused by the improper flow of this mysterious, unmeasurable energy, which can be corrected by getting jabbed repeatedly by them with needles. Okay, so what is a meridian? In this sense, it's a meaningless bullshit term for nothing. It doesn't correspond to anything in biology and can't be demonstrated to exist even by the most liberal standards imaginable. All right, what is chi? In this sense, also complete bullshit. I see, so does anything in their explanation have any basis in fact?

Well, humans do have bodies, so they're onto something there. All right, so with a cover story that thin, how does anybody buy into this stuff? We can pin the blame for that one on the argument from antiquity, or in more general terms, people are stupid. I see.

So, no, okay, the argument from antiquity, that's the fallacy where you assume that something has merit just because it's really old, right? And Chinese sometimes, precisely. Okay, but the argument from antiquity shouldn't work for medicine, should it? I mean, nobody's balancing their humors or getting leeched, so why the fuck would anybody justify medical advice

based on the fact that it's pre-scientific? Okay, that moves into the more general category of stupidity we were talking about. Okay, gotcha. So now exactly how old is acupuncture? There's actually some debate about this. It ranges. People who think their magic juice doesn't know where to go without the help of needles will tell you that acupuncture dates back thousands or, hell, why not billions of years since they've been doing acupuncture.

All right, I'm guessing that those numbers are disputed? Kind of, yeah. The fact that the technology necessary to create needles thin enough for acupuncture is only about four centuries old casts a bit of a shadow over the traditional 3,000 years number. In fact, the evidence suggests that acupuncture didn't exist in anything like its modern form until the 20th century. Well, but I mean, that version does come from older Chinese practices, though, right? In that people were stabbed with things in ancient China, yes, and they probably were. Though there's increasing evidence that the actual Chinese roots of modern acupuncture weren't even from China, they were imported from Greece. So even the national heritage thing is dubious.

So why don't people just claim it's an ancient Greek remedy? Because in the minds of many Westerners, again, Chinese people are magical. I see, I see. So now what kind of treatments might acupuncture be used for? That depends on your level of gullibility. Most acupuncture studies stick with things that are pretty much impossible to measure. Things like headaches, localized pain, nausea, you just make up your answers. But if you walk into an acupuncturist's office with enough money and faith,

you'll soon learn that it can probably cure AIDS, cleft palates, bad driving. Yeah. All right. So, but I mean, acupuncture has been shown to be effective against some maladies, hasn't it? Yes. In the same way that double-blind placebo tests demonstrate the effectiveness of sugar pills to do the same thing. Okay, but how can we know for sure? Science.

Well, sure, but I mean, like with a pill, if you're testing that, you can just test it against an identical sugar pill or something, but how do you placebo test with acupuncture? That's actually a great question. to do this compared genuine acupuncture with a sham version that inserted needles into places that practitioners considered acupuncturally inert, like the wrong places for the needles. Okay, all right. So now how did acupuncture do

under those test conditions? It failed to register any measurable effect at all. And how did acupuncturists respond? They claimed that the scientists had just discovered new acupuncture points in those places previously believed to be inert. Really? That was the whole thing?

Well, it helps that acupuncture has no universally accepted standards, so they just make shit up. But, I mean, in their defense, a truly scientific test would have to be double-blinded. No matter what, the acupuncturist would still know if they're doing real acupuncture or sham acupuncture, right? Great question as well. Luckily for us, a few clever scientists actually solved this problem. They developed a nifty little needle sheath that mimics the resistance of human skin. Some sheaths have needles long enough to actually pierce the skin and others just poke it. Either way, the person receiving the treatment feels a similar prick, so neither the person administering or receiving the treatment knows if they're getting the real acupuncture or the placebo treatment.

Actually, that's pretty clever. Okay. And under those test conditions, how does acupuncture perform? It doesn't. Okay. Well, that sounds pretty damning to the practice. How do acupuncturists respond to this one? By discovering a new version of acupuncture

where you may or may not pretend to prick people with a needle which as it happens is also an effective treatment for pain nausea and things that can't be measured wait you mean they they just claimed that the pretend acupuncture was also effective yeah well no okay but i'm trying to drill down here there are some some medical benefits, though, right? I know that, for example, acupuncture releases endorphins. Yeah, it does. So does stubbing your toe. And I'm sure if you point that out to the right acupuncturist, they'll develop a new branch of toe stubbing poking you with needles.

All right. So if it has no medical value at all, though, then why do so many insurance companies cover it? Because insurance companies are made of people, and people are, on average, idiots. Okay, but isn't acupuncture FDA approved? I mean, I know that the FDA is made up of people, too, but those are people doing science. It's a common misconception. Acupuncture needles are FDA approved in the sense that they've been shown not to contain poison unless you dip them in poison. But the procedure itself isn't approved or endorsed by any legitimate scientific body.

How can you justify such a blanket assertion? Because any scientific body that endorsed acupuncture would be illegitimate and no longer scientific. Gotcha. Okay. So I guess the only real question left is, and you'll forgive me if this comes off all deep and echoey, but how bullshit is it? It's bullshit medicine applied to bullshit biology justified through bullshit history in an effort to manipulate a bullshit energy. So I guess that makes it, at minimum, bullshit squared squared. So, bullshit to the fourth power.

On a scale of one to bullshit, where would it fall? Um, I guess hippo with gallbladder issues. No, no. A bloat of hippopotami with gallbladder issues eating Mexican food on a white carpet. Okay. Like a thick, white, shag carpet.

Yeah, right, of course. Owned by Denzel Washington. It's pissed about white carpet. Okay. Like a thick, white, shag carpet. Yeah, right, of course. Owned by Denzel Washington. It's pissed about the carpet. You better blot that hippo shit. Don't you smear it. Back in the house. Blot that. You better blot that.

All right, well, thanks for that mental image, Heath. And while our audience is reflecting on how thankful they are that podcasts aren't an olfactory medium, medium will fade to music. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that is but a shadow asking an echo to dance. Our first message comes from Jimmy, who recently discovered the show already through the backlog. He wrote a long email, touched on a couple of topics, but he added a question in the PS that we've gotten a time or two

before. Quote, how did you two meet? If you've talked about it in a previous episode, I apologize, but I listened to your show on drugs. But he didn't mention which drugs. That would have been helpful. So no, Jimmy, we actually haven't talked about it before. Noah and I met when we were playing Hacky Sack for the same toy company.

And keep in mind, if I was going to lie about this, it would have been a much better lie than this. Right, right. It actually worked for me. Just to make it sound even more bullshitty, we met on the lawn of a multi-million dollar five-mansion estate during a commercial filming. We also got an email from Tucker from the Atheist in the Trailer Park podcast. He wrote to ask if we planned on covering the Apocrypha in the Holy Babel now that we've knocked out the Old Testament. We'll be doing

the New Testament first, but we're certainly not ruling out the deleted scenes. Especially after the dragon one. That was pretty good. All I'm saying though is, look, I paid top dollar for my Bible. It's got Apocrypha in it. I'm going to milk this segment for everything we can. If for no other reason, then we'll have to do the Quran or something after this.

Disastrous. Put that shit on. Idea to start this whole thing. Oh, my God. All right. We also got an email from Randall who offered to save our souls for no payment down and no interest over the first three years. Quote, the anger in your tone makes it clear that you're driven by hatred and fear. But you don't have to fear God.

If you embrace him, you will find in him only love and forgiveness. But if you continue to resist him, you will continue only to find hate and fear. End quote. Not sure if the berserker thought this one through. If I continue to resist him, then

I'm stronger than omnipotent. That's awesome. Can God make a person so rational that even he can't convince them that he exists? And I also wanted to mention an email we got from Angie, who praised the show effusively and made a generous donation, and for both the praise and the money we thank her. But the reason I bring it up was her PS, where she wrote, quote, I donated money, and if you write me a thank you, as you are wont to do,

I really want something about how awesome my genitals are. I know you usually only do that for the guys, but whatever. I'm feeling demanding, end quote. So I just wanted to make everyone aware of that request before the thank yous at the end of the show. And when you hear my compliment for Angie, just keep in mind that I wrote that one so as not to be sexist.

So do girls compare clit size at the urinal? Is it about length? Girth? Coefficient of expansion? I wonder how it goes. I didn't know what to do. Like ass roundness, tit size, vaginal tension? I mean, those are the

kind of questions that I actually have to ask myself to do this job. You have journalistic integrity. That's why you check. And finally, we have a message from Matt, who wrote us about an odd Facebook meme he saw. Quote, my grandmother posted a meme on Facebook that included the phrase, leave Christmas alone because it's one of the few Christian holidays that Christians are still allowed to celebrate. When I asked her what other Christian holidays she isn't allowed to celebrate, she just preached at me and ended the conversation.

End quote. That's how that usually goes. Yeah, the persecution bubble falls apart pretty quick when you start asking questions. Although I might want to outlaw the weird one where they smudge shit on their forehead. If I could outlaw that one, I might do that. That's just weird. And that brings us to our top ten for the week. We're looking for the top ten holidays that Christians are no longer allowed to celebrate.

At Matt's suggestion. Okay, so number ten. Well, I know they can only do Harbor Day in Vatican City now. That's limited. All right, how about number nine? It's limited. All right. How about number nine?

Well, it was just Martin Luther Day until some blacks became people and ruined the venerated observance for everyone. Maybe Hash Wednesday? That was my favorite Christian holiday, too. It's a shame they took that one away. If you're spearing stuff on your face, it might as well be drugs. It's functional. All right. Number seven.

Hmm. Well, everyone still enjoys Gash Wednesday and Girth Day, so those don't count. I'm going with N-Word Friday. And again, same old story with blacks forcing progressive change on Christians. Exactly what this racist grandma is talking about. She's racist. I love it. How about Massacre on Amalekite Day?

That was popular for generations, but alas, it was not sustainable. Yeah, I think we're kind of pushing that envelope over here in America with the Indigenous Peoples Day as well. Yeah, but that only counts as the same thing if you're a Mormon. How about number four, Inquisition Day, where you burn one heretic for every year old the Catholic Church is? That one always snuck up on me. Yeah, nobody ever expects it. Similar to number three, Crusady Hawkins Day. Less predictable.

Right. How about number two, Molest an Altar Boy Day? I mean, they still do celebrate that one, but only in hiding. So that could have been one of the ones that she was talking about. And number one is Election Day. That's official now. No more Christian voting. Remind your friends. Wait a minute now. Hold on. You may

have hit on something. We know that Christians will uncritically share any Facebook meme about Christian persecution, right? So if we could just come up with a couple of convincing memes complaining about that one time when Obama banned Christians from voting, that could do the trick. Heath, you may have just saved Earth.

That's what I do. Well done, sir. That is all the feedback you get now that I've saved Earth. Thank you very much. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and

Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we drop our balls tonight, I wanted to apologize to all the people who were wondering where the show notes for last week's episode were. I eventually did get them up, but almost a full week late. Heath Lucinda and I have been in the middle of a big move over the last couple of weeks, and it's been a real crunch trying to get the new show together.

So sorry. Some minor systems might have gone offline here and there, but that's in the past now. Things should sail much smoother going forward. I also wanted to pre-graduate our friends Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance, who are rapidly approaching their 200th episode, assuming you can trust Tom's math. And while this act was no doubt inspired by a desire to diminish the profundity of our 100th episode, which will be coming up in two weeks, I'm going to pretend that it was motivated only by the fact that they just finished episode 199 and offer my salute to them for paving the way for podcasters like Heath and myself. And no, by the way, that was not a fat joke. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be sure to scrounge up a few of the extra nuggets of bonus scatheism you can find by following us on Twitter, liking us on Facebook, and subscribing to our blog at skatingatheist.com. Of course, I can't close the show out without thanking Heath for always taking his shit jokes seriously. I need to thank Lucinda for managing to carve out some time for us this week, despite a move and a head cold. I also want to thank the anonymous guest that called in to provide this week's Farnsworth quote.

I have my suspicions about who that voice was, but I don't want his endorsement of this show to fuck up his wife's future presidential run, if, you know, he has a wife that might run for president or anything. So we'll just keep the name off the books. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most honorable honorees, Frank, Richard, William, Daryl, Dennis, Avi, Patrick, Kathy, Jason, Nick, and Angie. Frank, Richard, and William, whose ejaculations are measured in megatons. Daryl, Dennis, Avi, and Patrick, who have so much gravitas they can assist interplanetary probes. Kathy, Jason, and Nick, whose asses are so sexy that God added an asterisk to the bit about

not coveting them, and Angie, whose vagina is so tight Santa gave her a lump of diamond and he didn't even know it. Together, these 11 elegant, eloquent Elysian elites have elected to elevate our relationship this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the grace, ninjitsu, and superior genitals it takes to give us

money, but if you think you're ready to add blasphemous dick joke sponsor to your resume, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist and support the show while earning longer episodes sooner, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the homepage at skatingatheist.com and support the show while not earning longer

episodes sooner. And if you'd love to help by donating to podcasts, fucks with your arthritis, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or wherever you prefer to leave five-star reviews for podcasts. You can also check us out on by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or wherever you prefer to leave five-star reviews for podcasts. You can also check us out on the Stitcher app if you like to listen on the go, and it's a podcast, so you almost certainly do. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. All right, so now can you make like some kind of egregious fuck up that I can throw in the end at the outtakes?