The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 99: New is the New Old Edition

Episode Date: January 8, 2015

In this week's episode, Saudi Arabia will make Catholicism look a little better by comparison, we'll find out if Christianity comes with a money back guarantee, and a spurned lover with some condoms, lotion, and a dead granny fetish will gift wrap a 30 seconds on the clock segment for us.

Warning, this episode breaks at least four-fifths of the commandments. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pastor Manning's favorite new distaffinated coffee vaginal excretion breakfast beverage, Starbucks Distaff. Does drinking too much male semen in your coffee keep you up all night? Has your taste for spermy lattes come and gone? Do you prefer the subtler, less nutty flavor of female ejaculate? Try Starbucks Distaff. If semen enthusiast Adam Reeks likes it, you will too. And now, the skating atheist.

This is Packard Sonic of the Packard Pokes at Podcast, and while we poke at your news, you cannot poke at the fact that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, poking monkey men. It's Thursday! It's January 8th. And I'd like to announce a solemn booyah in honor of Stuart Scott, R.I.P. Seriously. Yeah, absolutely. I'm, R.I.P. Seriously. Yeah, absolutely. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright, and from capital of Purdy Mountainous, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist. In this week's episode, we'll see if we can't spark a new Trojan War in Alabama.

Even with Bible verses to help out, the black guy in the Philippines still can't hail a cab. And we'll learn all about kicking people in the face for jesus but first the diatribe how cynical does an institution have to be before they can look at the death of an old woman as a marketing opportunity? So there's this elderly lady that lives across the street from my sister-in-law for the last decade and a half or so. Doesn't have any family that still comes around. So my sister-in-law largely takes care of her. Takes her to the pharmacy, takes her to the doctor's appointments, had her over for the holidays every year, etc. And I barely know her myself, but she was sort of family, so when she died a couple of weeks ago,

my wife and I felt obligated to attend the funeral. And I should note that funerals are one of those places where I basically try to turn my atheism off. You know, I nod along with all the God talk, and I might even say amen when I'm supposed to if I think somebody's looking. This old lady was a churchgoer, so I'm fully anticipating having Jesus forced down my throat like I was the prettiest inmate at a Mexican prison, and I'm ready to take it and swallow. But I don't think anything could have prepared me for the sermon I was about to hear. Wait, I'm sorry, sermon isn't the right word. It's eulogy? No, that's not right either. Sales pitch, perhaps? I don't know, you tell me. The pastor goes on for about an hour. Some four minutes of it was dedicated to the woman that on for about an hour. Some four minutes

of it was dedicated to the woman that we were there to remember. About two minutes were dedicated to the fact that she was in heaven now, and the other 54 were about how we could join her there for 2,000 easy weekly payments of $19.99. Now, of course they're going to use the funeral to peddle their wares to some degree, but this motherfucker went so far as giving the address for his church. It's on the corner of such and such and so and so. Just swing by and I can keep you out of hell. Can you imagine that with any other institution? Imagine that you ask me to deliver the eulogy at your grandma's funeral, and about halfway

through I just reminded everybody that they can make a per-episode donation to this show at patreon.com slash skatingatheist and get extended versions of each episode before they're available to the general public. That's almost a prick move in the middle of this diatribe, let alone at a fucking funeral. No non-religious entity would ever even consider it. Your buddy that owns a bar wouldn't stop in the middle of the eulogy to tell everybody about karaoke Tuesdays and half-priced drinks on fight night. You wouldn't let your friend that owns a lawn service stuff business cards in granny's

breast pocket with a take one sign. You wouldn't let your realtor buddy stick an ad behind her coffin at the viewing but religion doesn't even feel the need to ask permission for this kind of shit it's just a given they are going to exploit the hell out of every death they can get their greedy little hands on but religion wasn't done fucking with me that afternoon just yet because after we learned all about how our immortal souls were in peril for lack of giving this asshole enough money we mingled for a bit. And on no fewer than four occasions, somebody felt the need to remind me in a hushed tone that even though the pastor was a proper Baptist, the cadaver of honor there was

actually a Jehovah's Witness. So all that stuff the preacher said about her being in heaven was wrong. They just didn't have the heart to tell him mid-sermon. Still, they wanted to make it clear to me that I shouldn't go looking for her when I got to heaven, as she would be spending her eternity in the south wing of the afterlife. Wait, no, it gets even worse. I'm in the mingling line or whatever, and as much as I'm trying to avoid it, I end up in a circle with the pastor, who is not going to waste a moment of this chance to sell us some used Jesus. He's got a couple of fish on his hook, and they're nodding along while he explains

that you just never know when death is going to sneak up and grab you from behind or from under your bed or something. He actually says at one point, you could get hit by a bus on your way home from this funeral. Now, first of all, what an incredibly fucked up thing to say to a grieving person at the gravesite. What kind of morbid shit colonel would say, well, you're going to die too at a funeral.

But also, why is it always a fucking bus? Why is it that the go-to example of an unexpected death is always getting hit by a bus? Is there some rash of bus-related homicide that justifies this obsession? Are buses God's smiting weapon of choice now or something like the new brimstone? Who the hell gets hit by a bus? Anyway, 90 minutes after it started, it's over, and we're getting back in the car. My wife gives me this can-you-believe-that-shit look, and I can tell that she's somewhere like halfway between being proud of me for not going all diatribe at some point and being a little disappointed that I didn't, because what should have been a memorial for this sweet old lady turned into an orgy of petty spiritual backbiting.

What the funeral probably needed was the atheist to stand up and say, could you guys shut the fuck up about God for a minute so we can focus on the dead person? And if you think about it, this is supposed to be religion's moment to shine, right? It's the only arrow they have left in their quiver now. Science took over all the other shit that religion used to pretend that they did, but they still have the comforting the grieving thing, don't they? Isn't that the sole remaining selling point for their antiquated bullshit? Isn't it there to make death easier to deal with?

And instead, all I see is religion exacerbating the problem, adding a new layer of fear to an already terrifying prospect, dividing the mourners rather than uniting them, fanning the flames of depression rather than dampening them. It's like death isn't hard enough to deal with without also stressing about whether grandma chose the right door at St. Monty Hall's gate. Religion is a bubble that claims it's an airbag. And unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that until they crash the fucking car.

If nothing else, that's what drives me as an atheist. Helping people realize that the net's not going to hold before they jump into it. They're talking about you, Jesus. helping people realize that the net's not going to hold before they jump into it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man with neither a soul nor a golden fiddle, Heath Enright. Heath was heading on down to Georgia while it was cracked up to be. Come on.

Not as many supernatural fiddle battles as I was hoping. That was a common complaint. But we do have great bagels. Yeah, just like the Chinese food. It's fucking fantastic. In our lead story tonight from the preemie nuptial agreement file, the Islam-based legal system in Saudi Arabia managed to make Catholicism look a little better against all odds when they recently ruled against proposed legislation that would have raised the legal marriage age to 15.

Raised. That's one more time. They weren't allowed to raise the age age to 15. Raised. That's, one more time, they weren't allowed to raise the age up to 15. In other words, Islam, as understood in Saudi Arabia, insists that grown-ass men can continue fucking little girls. But you have to marry them. So instead of detestably awful, it becomes God's will. God's detestably awful will, sure.

But I guess God's will nonetheless. Just awful. So obviously, human rights advocates, they've been fighting for years to stop all the state-sanctioned little girl fucking that's going on. But unfortunately for them and the little girls, Saudi Arabia has a guy whose current position is called president of the Supreme Council of Islamic Scholars and chairman of the Standing Committee for Scientific Research and Issuing Fatwas. Wait, wait, wait. You've heard that correctly. Scientific Research and Issuing Fatwas. Wait, wait, wait. You heard that correctly. Scientific Research and Issuing Fatwas? Yeah, same guy.

That's like being an oncologist and a tumor. That's not funny. It's not funny. That's funny, but it's not funny. And since this guy's obviously into the whole brevity thing, he sometimes just goes by the title Grand Mufti of Failed Palindromes Sheikh Abdulaziz Al Al Sheikh. Well, that guy is in charge of what Islam means, and his final word on the pedophile marriage thing was a yes.

Yes, the holy texts of Islam clearly intended for adult men to marry and sexually violate very young girls. Right, and the argument is that he's making is that the Quran doesn't say anything about not marrying toddlers. And yes, toddlers. Funny how the argument isn't convincing when you point out that there's nothing in the Quran that says that women can't drive fucking cars. It's almost like a bunch of child-fucking misogynistic perverts are cherry-picking the rules that allow them to swing their dicks like the emperor's

scepter. Weird. It's almost like that, yeah. Sadly, the ruling by Sheikh al-Sheikh wasn't even necessary because there's plenty of theocratic precedent on this already, including a 2011 fatwa by a different extremely powerful cleric who declared that the minimum age for marriage was zero and that infant baby girls can be married, quote, even if they are in the cradle, end quote. Granted, that's from way back in the dark ages of less than four years ago, but still, you can understand the point I'm making. But, you know, back then they didn't know about stuff like Richard III's genome and water vapor on Siri, so they could be forgiven for raping kids back then in those simpler times.

But now we know better, or everybody but them knows better, at least. Everyone else. And bottom line, this is why we can't have people blindly following the ethics of stupid old books one of the reasons yeah in the quran muhammad like the most important guy they have married his wife aisha when she was six or seven years old and definitely fucked her when she was nine years old and yeah if you're not muslim you're probably disgusted by this right i hope so but if say jesus fucked a nine-year-old wife in the bible christian men would be doing the exact same fucking thing and they'd feel good about it too what the fuck is

wrong with you just realize you're not supposed to do evil stuff by realizing it it's really not that hard right should i enslave black people should i murder gays with rocks should i fuck nine-year-olds maybe i should just check some books no just don't do that just don't do that you shouldn't have to study for this test. Yeah, some things don't require cramming, for fuck's sake. And it's Adam and Eve, not Adam with his cock and some dude's ass news tonight. Tired of hearing about how secular invocations before government meetings were un-American, pro-Christian militia Reverend Matt Trewalla decided to take the lectern

and show these people what an un-American invocation looks like. Fantastic. Trewalla has earned national notoriety for a number of virulently anti-gay and anti-abortion statements, including endorsing violence against abortion doctors, unless, of course, they're aborting fetuses, which would later grow up to be abortion doctors, in which case he endorses that by default. So I guess Montana wanted to balance things out by bringing a Wisconsin liberal in to speak at their government meeting. Is that what happened? Yeah, they figured they'd represent both sides of the extreme wing of their

party. So this guy Trey Waller runs what he calls a missionary to the pre-born, which I'm guessing includes physically climbing into a woman's vagina and asking the fetus if he has a moment to talk about the Lord and Savior, which is kind of the literal version of what Christians have been doing for centuries. And absent a fetus, they'll just chat with a uterus if need be. Whatever. As early as we have. A lot of space in here.

You could have 20 or 30 kids out of this thing. You could dugger this thing out. He's also taken aim at the queers and the folks what don't hate him like proper Christians would. He bemoans the failure of parents to hate their gay children on his YouTube channel, calling them, quote, the most base people on the planet to have abandoned every God-given vestige to protect your child from the filth of homosexuality, to blatantly go along with what is disgusting, end quote.

I was just giving you the finger while he read that quote. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, dude, I find fat people fucking kind of gross but i don't begrudge them the opportunity to do it you know would you equally castigate a parent who doesn't condemn his daughter for fucking the fat guy well what if he's funny you know the fat guy that's fucking daughter's funny he'd have to be to get that hot they don't have provisions despite his long record of blurting out shit that would make a Tourette suffer or blush, Montana Republicans decided to invite this blithering bag of shit juice to deliver a sermon at the state capitol.

The invitation met with opposition from people who fell left of Fred Phelps on the political spectrum, a group which, depressingly enough, constitutes the minority in the Montana legislature. And in We Ain't Got No Key But Here's's the bent coat hanger to the city news tonight. The city of Winfield, Alabama couldn't find anybody that existed who wanted their shithole, so they gave it to God. Winfield, known internationally as the gateway to Tupelo via I-22 West, is a forgotten wasteland of about 4,500 people who share, I'm guessing, 14 surnames max. Mayor Randy Price had what he's pretty sure was an idea a while back when reflecting on the general badness of stuff, and decided to take action by pushing the local city council to hand

the deed of the city over to Jesus' daddy. They actually also gave him electric company, waterworks, and all four of them. In return, they might eventually get the get-out-of-hell free cards. Not a smart trade. Not at all. Yeah, I get the impression that they don't do smart when they do trades or other stuff. It's all about the oranges. Okay, let me back this up

by continuing to tell this exact same story. So, at the mayor's behest, a recent act by the city council symbolically declared Winfield to be, quote, a city under God, end quote, and additionally that the city belonged to God and that it acknowledged him. Implied in the statement, of course, was the collective desire of the city

to not get Brimstone to death when God smites all those queer-loving baby killers in the rest of the country. Clearly. And that might be the dumbest part of the whole plan. Like, there's an omnipotent God up there saying, oh, thanks, Winfield, whatever fucking state. Now I own the entire universe plus your shitty town. I'll be sure to Brimstone around you guys.

By the way, this could be next Tuesday, so invite all the good people that day. I'll brimstone around you. Now, according to an editorial in the Marion County Journal Record, a newspaper of some note, the action is perfectly acceptable because, quote, if our coins can say, in God we trust, we also see no harm in acknowledging the Almighty at Christmas.

But they can't say that. And what the fuck does that have to do with... So just to be clear, they're justifying the completely unrelated, non-contentious thing that nobody gives a shit about by pointing out to another unrelated, contentious thing that people do kind of give a shit about, sort of, that's of dubious constitutionality to begin with. Yeah, we've still got de facto segregation anyway.

Was slavery really that much different? Exactly. And in case you were left thinking that this newspaper needed a whole sentence with multiple clauses to fuck up the English language, they added, quote, We think that the whole fuss about cleaning God from the specter, sick, of public service has been much ado about nothing. End quote. That's spector, by the way, with an O. So not even a fucking word.

The red squiggly line means it's not a word. It's like the neologism of somebody hoping you won't challenge them in Scrabble or the phonetic spelling of a drunkard addressing Inspector Gadget on a first-name basis. Now, if I had to guess, I'd say they were trying to say sector, but it's also possible that these nincompoops think that some atheist hired Pete Ray and Egon to go after the Holy Ghost, so I'm going to withhold judgment for the time being and just report it as it's written. And in Christian Science-ology

news tonight, over the last few months, Pope Frankie Four Fingers made a noble, albeit feeble, attempt at embracing science-y stuff like the Big Bang and evolution. So he thinks all those things are consistent with Catholic God, who just happens to create Big Bang bangs and evolutions all the time.

So that made conservative Vatican wranglers cringe a little bit. It's not that big of a deal. Lots of Catholic people probably already saying this. But then he crossed the line and hinted that the global climate change conspiracy might just be scientists all agreeing on a true thing. And that's a slippery logical slope. Got a lot of angry, stupid people. Well, no, yeah, because wait a minute. If the earth is getting warmer and it was uncomfortably cold where that dumb guy lived yesterday,

then why are there still monkeys? Great question. Checkmate. So losing the Pope from your side of the argument about science shouldn't be that crucial, but it was, of course, a disaster for Fox News. And it led to their special report correspondent, Doug McElway, suggesting last week that Catholicism is aligning with radical liberals who support population control and wealth redistribution. So, horrible thing. Now that we finally have papal backing, we can finally get condoms and taxes

to finally happen. Fox News once again exposes our plot. Unbelievable. Yeah, funny how much less nefarious it sounds if you're not trying to make it sound nefarious. I think what we need to do to get around the Fox thing is a better encryption. Stuff that Fox News can't read,

like formal logic in the metric system. You know? Now that I think about it, by the way, if ever there was a pope who might get yanked off stage as he started to roll a condom onto a banana, it's Frank the Tank. I cannot wait for that. It might happen. It's a great visual. But more importantly,

bigger picture, isn't wealth redistribution pretty much the entire message of the Jesus guy? So, if you're Catholic and, you know, tying off a condom isn't wealth redistribution pretty much the entire message of the Jesus guy? So if you're Catholic and tying off a condom isn't the same as strangling a newborn baby to you, you're almost certainly closer to liberal than conservative when it comes to American politics. Vote better. Figure out where you're supposed to be. You know you're not supposed to have to tie off that condom, right? It's supposed to just fit snug.

Never mind, never mind. And in yellow cab is a racial slur around here in news tonight. We have the bizarre story coming to us from Hemet Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist blog. His site recently ran a story about a local ordinance in the city of Tagbilaran in the Philippines that requires local taxi drivers to paint Bible verses on the back of their vehicles. Now, the ordinance is meant to serve the dual purpose of letting everybody know that Tagbilaran is better at loving God than naming cities, and also, and more full of shitly, to lower crime and create stronger families.

Well, personally, I certainly wouldn't have gone on that crime spree with my weak-ass family if one taxi driver, I don't care which one, but one taxi driver painted me a message on the back of his car telling me to fear and respect that God. I would have considered not doing that. Vengeance. Despite a complete lack of empirical evidence in support of this insane hypothesis, local leaders assure us that the policy has, quote, resulted in lower crime rates, stronger families, and a relatively peaceful city. I would have at least got a stronger family. My weak-ass family, I would have made it stronger and gone on the crime spree. Exactly.

Adding that more details about that are available in the same rectal cavity he found those ones in. Sounds like he needs some help finding them over there. We'll send over a guy. We have a guy. He doesn't need us to send one. That's actually the Philippines' leading exports. Now, as if these cabbies haven't been fucked with enough already by this thing, they further complicate the lives of people

who tricycle around in equatorial heat, tugging fat, foul-smelling tourists for a living. This ordinance requires that each of the city's more than 3,000 taxi treks carries a different Bible verse. The picture rickshaws instead of taxis.

Right, right, yeah, exactly. Now, I want to echo Hemet Mehta's concern here, because we've already read about three-quarters of that thing, and I don't know that we've come across more than 3,000 passages that don't, like, directly call for acts of genocide or general criminality. I'm dying to know what verse the last guy in line gets saddled with there. And from the lots-of-my-friends-are-niggerdly file. It means cheap. Before the emails. Yeah, so check that one out. Google niggardly file. It means cheap. Before the emails. Yeah.

So check that one out. Google niggardly because we said it. So Pastor Perry Noble of New Spring Mega Church in South Carolina tried to jazz up his recent Christmas Eve sermon with some modern African-American flair. Or what he thinks was. To him, this means wearing a denim jacket from the 1980s, telling everyone about his wife named Lucretia. She's white, by the way. She sounds blackish, though, right?

No, she's white. He made sure... And, of course, making sure to use the N-word with an A at least once. Well, that's not just Heath being racist, by the way. The dude actually felt the need to point out on stage that, despite the name, Lucretia, his wife is a regular white. There's some new people here in the church that might not know. I'm not married to a Negro, even though it sounds otherwise.

Holy shit. So partway through the sermon, Noble starts telling a story about how his wife won't let him get a dog, probably because he wants to name it Boaz. He tells us. Yeah, what was that about? Normally she'd bear him a son for the same reason. Because he wants to name it Boaz, he tells us. Yeah, what was that about? Normally she'd bear him a son for the same reason. Probably a good thing, though, because Boaz is the dude that Ruth drunkenly seduced with a clumsy, failed, unconscious blowjob.

You know, like, why would you name a dog after a character whose chief action was to get drunkenly half-seduced? On behalf of dogs and unfertilized eggs everywhere, I want to thank his black-sounding wife for her resistance. Okay, yeah, so some of his friends hear about this, and I was one of them to do it. Dogs and unfertilized eggs everywhere. I want to thank his black-sounding wife for her resistance. Okay, yeah, so some of his friends hear about this, and I was one of them to do it. And they suggest he just buy a dog and bring it home. And he's right in the middle of telling everyone how he responded, Nigga, please, when he realizes he's white. He's like halfway through the— I'm so awkward.

At which point he makes this desperate failed attempt to stifle this verbal diarrhea that's already spewing out from his mouth. I was like, nigger, bloop, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. Awkward pause continued. And we're back. And I definitely never said nigger. That was a chainsaw. And we're moving on with the sermon. Oh, my God.

As I'm watching the video, I'm like, when he stopped and realized, I half expected him to pull the whole, like, what's that over there, Gambit? You know, just run off stage. I was never there. I was home eating this cereal all night. Now, despite an unmistakable video recording of this guy accidentally falling into his normal everyday hanging out with white friends N-word using speech pattern that he clearly has, the church decided to release an official statement that calls into question the veracity of video evidence as a medium in general. Right. Quote, in regards to your question about the N-word, obviously they got a lot of questions about this, so at least one. In regards to your one person's question about the N-word,

he did not use that word in his message, and what you perceived as him doing this was a matter of words getting jumbled, as can happen with anyone who is speaking. End quote.

Well, we're at it. Despite video evidence to the contrary, he's also rather svelte. He's not the pasty fat ass that he looked like on that video. He's good-looking,

bronze, dodonis. He's just, you know, light rays getting jumbled. Right. So which words and syllables do you think he accidentally jumbled into using the N word? Right, nigg and gov. I know, for me, personally, I have trouble with

eggnog. Sometimes I'll say nigger eggnog by accident. Usually I just say it regularly. What's your name? Nigger eggnog. It's hard to say without nigger eggnog. Nigger Eggnog. It's hard to say without... Nigger Eggnog. Nigger Eggnog. I guess it's too late to kick it over to Lucinda before it's too late,

but we'll hand it over to my lovely wife anyway. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape... It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man.

This Week in Massage. Right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Massage. I'll be the first to admit that some acts of sexism are so subtle that a person can be forgiven for not even realizing that they've said or done something sexist. Some amount of sexism is innate in both men and women, and it can really be difficult to examine one's own actions through the eyes of another. But then there's these other acts of sexism.

The ones that are so insane that you could only miss them if you handed the reins of your morality over to people who still feared sea dragons. For example, take the recent story of yet another flight being delayed by a couple of ultra-Orthodox Jews that refused to sit next to a woman. Now, this one only delayed the flight for 30 minutes, which is certainly better than the 11-hour delay we discussed on this segment before, but still, how does it take 30 minutes to tell these assholes to get out and walk? Imagine if a bunch of women got onto a plane and delayed it for hours because they refused to sit next to Jews. I'd like to think the airplane would tell them to go fuck themselves, which is exactly what they deserve. Airlines like L.A.,

which deal with a lot of orthodox customers, have been called upon to create a vagina-free zone that these pricks can buy their way into. And while this is being promoted as a way to make their boarding process easier for everyone, it's hard to imagine an airline that dealt with a lot of racists creating a whites-only section to accommodate them. Bigotry should be the bigots' problem. And speaking of bigots and problems, our next story takes us to the mythical land of Fox News, a fantastic world where Muslim Kenyans run the government, atheists are napalming nativity scenes, and the only stable currency is free dried legumes. And I apologize for getting to this one a bit late,

because when Fox News runs a segment with men giving dating advice to women, a red phone should really ring in my office and a lucinda-shaped light should shine in the sky. But alas, I missed it when, on New Year's Day, Fox and friends decided to pluck some advice from a female obedience manual called Single Man, Married Man. Apparently, the advice in the book all boils down to forget about all the you stuff and worry about sitting down and shutting up. And as the host is spouting all this shit like cook him food and rub his feet,

the other panelists are falling all over themselves to explain that their wife is one of them good sitting down and shutting up types. So let this serve as a warning to women everywhere. If you're subservient, you might wind up married to an ingrown testicle hair like Peter Doocy. And finally, in what may be the quickest turnaround in the history of This Week in Misogyny, author Susan Patton, also known as the Princeton Mom, was back to offer more great advice, also on Fox & Friends. She was asked if it was going too far to teach kindergartners about rape prevention when she explained that too many people blur the line between rape and just regular old bad manners, like using the wrong fork to force into someone's orifices against their will, perhaps. She went on to explain that all of sex ed should be removed from schools and replaced with manners. Quote, you don't touch somebody, you don't want them to touch you, you tell them not to.

End quote. So, yeah, why bother preemptively telling people not to goose your tits or stick their fingers in your ass when you can just as easily tell them after the fact. Look, you vacuous bitch, the correct answer here is yes. A fucking course you should teach kindergartners about bodily autonomy because sometimes kindergartners get raped. You're a Catholic. You should know that. You've certainly financed it.

Anyway, that's all I've got for you tonight, so until next time, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in I Mean Rear Naked Choke in a Non-Gay Way news tonight, read tonight so until next time i'll hand it back to noah and heath thank you lucinda and then i mean rear naked choke in a non-gay way news tonight the website the conversation ran a recent expose about the rising popularity of mma fighting in churches arguing that turn the other cheek might have been an admonition to kick asses in a symmetrical fashion as many as 700 churches in the u.S. alone are

inviting mostly naked men to roll around on a mat for the viewing pleasure of their definitely heterosexual parishioners. This is it. I can't wait to walk past the church and hear John Kreese yelling, queers do not exist in this dojo. No sense. It's actually, it's not far off. They're using slogans like Jesus didn't tap, as though the Romans had a tapping out of

being tortured to death policy. And groups like Extreme Ministries, no E because they're cool like that, teach us that Jesus wasn't a pussy and that God prefers manly men who punch shit. Don't use vowels. Any credibility this movement might possibly have gained was siphoned off immediately when disgraced former megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll endorsed it, saying, quote, As a Bible teacher, I think God made men masculine. Men are for combat, end quote.

And lest anyone mistakenly think he wasn't endorsing men telling the womenfolk what to do, he added, quote, Men are made for dominion, end quote. Dominion? Really? Quick dictionary review. Having dominion means, like, sovereignty and complete complete control with definite connotations of plantation owner. That's in there, in it for sure. So pretty much anyone using the word dominion like that is an enormous asshole and or illiterate.

He is an example of probably both. Likely both. And in who the hell has a woodshed news tonight, anal pee robes is at again. the hell has a woodshed news tonight anal p robes is at again the don't try a contagionarian host of the 700 club was responding to a viewer's email that lamented her pot smoking jesus doughton grandson who always fuck up christmas by gagging when she shoves a religion down his throat robertson hesitates only long enough for the animatronics on his jaw to kick in before recommending that she take him out behind the woodshed, which is an old fucker euphemism for a good old-fashioned beating the shit out of him. Or just teach the kid to, you know, loosen his jaw and relax the esophagus.

Has he never been to a confession before? It's not... It's like brushing your tongue. It's easier if you don't fight. Anyway, Robertson explained that these non-Christians who are too small to fight back should have Christianity beaten into them until they, quote, understand the blessings of discipline, end quote. P. Robes explained that child abuse is okay as long as it's a preemptive strike because, quote, the next thing you know, they'll be doing hard time in some prison and he'll be disciplined in a way that he'll never forget, end quote.

Which I'm pretty sure is a veiled anal rape threat from Pat Robertson there. Might be his first. And from the please make a list of related porn titles filed tonight this was screaming for it yep we have the following headline from raw story quote exact quote headline from raw story florida man attacks spiritual girlfriend's car over dead granny sex toy dream prophecy and that's my favorite combination of five words of all time. Before we talk about this, let's go ahead and put those 30 seconds up just to be ready. Right.

Thank you. Okay, so Casey Moulter of the Vero Beach area of Florida has been arrested after vandalizing his lady friend's car in connection with an incident in which she may or may not have successfully prophesied a really awkward wet dream for him, possibly involving his grandmother's reanimated corpse and a string of anal beads. Or possibly a different ass toy. Right, they were non-specific.

I hate it when they get all vague about the particular sex toy in question. But it was an ass toy. I'm a grown-up. I can handle the specifics. Not a baby. Was she reaming him with a strap on? Did she have like some kind of pole starting

a gas powered simian or something? Come on guys. How am I supposed to beat off to these police reports without the details? Oh yeah.

So here's what I'm guessing happened. The hippie girlfriend probably just like got stoned and decided to fuck with him because she was pissed about something

he did that day and she went with the classic old your reanimated dead grandma is going to sodomize you in the subconscious realm prophecy. Prophecy 101 for hippie day. And she went with the classic old, your reanimated dead grandma is going to sodomize you in the subconscious realm. Prophecy.

Prophecy 101 for hippie girl runs. And this guy went to sleep that night grumbling to himself all pissed off. There's no fucking way my dead grandma's going to sodomize me. No way my dead grandma's going to sodomize me. Dead grandma's going to sodomize me. And you know, weird.

Then we, dead grandma sodomized him in a dream. He was ballistic on the hippie chick and started smashing her car for being an evil witch that can predict that. Which is a dick move, in my opinion, because for all we know, he was going to get dream dildo raped by his grandma's cadaver one way or the other. And she was just warning him. And if that's going to happen, I would want to have time to mentally prepare. Get some lube and stuff. You don't have time to mentally prepare.

Get some lube and stuff. So, according to police, Moulter vandalized the woman's car with condoms and also what they're calling love notes written with creams and lotions. Now, guessing these weren't store-bought creams and lotions. Well, they didn't say the condoms were used. Now, in Florida, by the way, for our international listeners, it's only legal to vandalize a person's car with butt lube and condoms if you feel threatened. So if you're curious about the legality of this – like if they were wearing a hoodie or menacingly brandishing some Skittles or something like that, then this would be okay. But in this instance – Stand your ground ass first if you want to. Okay.

So here's the best part of this one to me. At some point, one of the cops must have asked him, so did it work? The prophecy? No. No. No. It didn't work. Why would you even ask that?

It didn't work. That's not why I'm. I'm not. I'm smashing her car because she tried to get in my head with it. It didn't work, though. I'm mad because she even tried, though. That's why. Why would you even ask me that?

No, it didn't work. So we've already got 30 seconds on the clock geriatric zombie sex toy porn go right i've been waiting for this one um how about strap on of the dead where's the zombie because she was an old lady because it would be the old lady from that old commercial i like this idea. The geriatric clap trap strap on. Exactly, yeah. Strap on, strap off, clap on. All right. What about the quick and the undead? Post-mature ejaculations. Nice, nice.

Maybe the clamps on Gramps' tramps. We didn't specify the sex toy. It's like the tail of a cripple's nipples. About the AAR peep show. Cocktails from the crypt with Grandma's Boy Toys. How about Back in My Day of the Dead? Brains, Pains, and Varicose Veins.

Varicose Veins. Do you think old dudes have varicose dick veins, brother? Oh, God, yeah. For her pleasure. Oh, God. I could have done without that. Mental have done without that mental image there appreciate that one i was going for the soundtrack here how about uh about the grandmamas and the papas

wet dream a little cream of meemaw oh nice it works everything in there how about the last grammar i you don't even want to know where those nunchucks have been. You know, but you don't want to. You don't want to have already known. About 50 sprays of gray. Beads, ropes, and the grandmother of pearl necklace. Oh, nice. Maybe Levitra the beaver. A little geriatric or treat. About blow grandma from the train.

Strap-on hangers getting a foot long in the subway-ass transit system. Also known as getting the fogey-hogey. How about Apple Pirates of the Caribbean Sibian? The Purse of Your Aunt Pearl and How You Wish You Hadn't Looked in It. Is that a butt plug, Aunt Pearl? Everybody's going to stop listening to the show. What about 70s Bush revival? Rogaine with medox dildos.

50 braids of gray. All right, no, I fear this one looks better written out than it'll sound, but how about the Horry Rocker Picture Show? Sweet transgenerational. Horry has an H-O-A-R with gray hair, and they're on a rocking chair. Let's do the time warp again. How about Senior Citizen canal beads? Friends with Medicare benefits.

Wait. Are you saying Medicare covers anal beads? Wait, okay. I need to double check my policy now that you mentioned that. So we're going to have to close headlines there. Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji! When we come back, we'll look back over the Old Testament and ask ourselves what the fuck we were

thinking in the first place. The Scathing Atheist now proudly presents yet another desperate attempt to make the poems for all of these minor prophets not sound exactly the same in the form of Zephaniah in Rhyme.

There's too many books in this thing to keep rhyming. Let's face it, I've done this shit 35 times, and it's not like these prophets are saying new stuff or I'd find a new angle and not have to suffer. But it's just repetition. Take this one, Zephaniah. If it was longer and weirder, it would be Jeremiah. If it was shorter and clearer, perhaps Obadiah. And if he ate some more mushrooms, you've got Zechariah. The point is, it's pointless to look for new angles. The nations all fall into people get mangled. The foreigners suck and God's going to kill them with a plan convoluted compared to bond villains. Assyria, Moab, Egypt, and Tyre will flood them and shun them and set them on fire.

He'll bury the people all the way to their necks and slap them around with his almighty dick. But if you're good and you do what the rabbis declare, your lives and your families just might be spared. But if you want to be certain, make sure you give something succulent, juicy, mature, and perev to the temple and Levites residing therein, so the good Lord will spare all your farmland and kin. And if you choose to ignore us and wallow in sin, he might make you read Zephaniah again. On next week's episode, Lucinda, Heath, and I will bring the bloated Old Testament to a merciful close with a final wrap-up. After nearly two years of genocidal Jewish folklore, we finally get to the bits with Ted Nugent. Of course, we also recognize that we've seen a substantial uptick in listeners over the last couple of months,

and many of those listeners might not have had time to catch up with all of our Holy Babel episodes just yet, so we figured before we move on to the final scene, we'd spend a few minutes summarizing all the action in the Old Testament so far. And I think it's worth noting before we start, there's 39 books in the Old Testament, but pretty much all the shit happens in the first two, so we'll be devoting a bit less time to each as we go. There you go. Genesis.

In the beginning, there was nothing, then God said, let there be light, and it's pretty much all downhill from there. It started good, but Genesis 1 was the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, let there be light, and it's pretty much all downhill from there. It started good, but Genesis 1 was the high watermark. Even with the flood. I'm not going to spoil it, but you'll find out in a sec. So he makes Adam, he makes Eve, they meet a snake, they eat an apple, and of course God starts off on the slow but inevitable path to suicide. Cain kills Abel, then fucks his sisters to populate the world.

They build a tower, God fucks it up. They build cities, God floods them. Noah rides out that flood, and then we're back to the sibling fucking. A few inbred generations later, Abraham comes along, he pimps his wife, cuts off part of that pesky entire penis he had, and then tries to stab a baby. Two generations later, his grandson wrestles with God

and would have won if God hadn't cheated. That grandson fucks everything that moves, has 12 kids, 11 of whom sell the 12th into slavery for being a haughty dick. Exodus. Then along comes Moses. He sends a few plagues, he frees some Jews, and he makes a top 10 list. Pretty famous one.

But his freed slaves are a bunch of ungrateful, uppity, cow-worshipping dicks, so he breaks his own commandments, orders a bunch of fratricide, and force-feeds his followers ground bovine gold. Leviticus. Then God takes some of the good shit and starts rattling off random declarations like he was playing history's most fucked up game of Simon Says. We learn to kill witches, not to miscegenate our crops,

not to boil goats in their mother's milk, because that was happening, and of course we learn exactly how we should murder cows for no reason. And we learn for the first time that God does indeed hate fags. And tattoos, and definitely foreigners. He cannot stand foreigners. Numbers. And tattoos, and definitely foreigners. He cannot stand foreigners. Numbers.

Then we meet a talking donkey, we learn how to make the uterus of an unfaithful woman fall out using nothing but dust and magic, and God force-feeds the pre-Jews so much poultry that they're shitting it out of their tear ducts. And God reminds us that the only time we're allowed to work on the Sabbath is if we're stoning someone to death for working on the Sabbath, not realizing this makes it impossible for your job to be rabbi unless, of course, you do it while murdering yourself with stones on the Sabbath.

Right. Deuteronomy. Then we settle into what the Old Testament is best at, repeating itself, and detailing all the horrible shit God plans to do if you piss him off. We also learn, in a surprise twist, that God was fucking with Moses about the Promised Land thing and kills him right before they get there instead, like a cop who was just about to retire. Joshua.

At which time Moses hands the reins over to Joshua, who is such a badass he can kill a whole city with his trumpets. And Joshua goes on the first of many biblical uncut penis envy ethnic cleansing operations to eradicate all the subhumans that dared to live in the place that the pre-Jews wanted way before they got there. They kill all the Amalekites, most of the Canaanites, most of their pets, and everybody in Jericho except for a hooker and her friends. Judges.

Then we meet a series of forgettable leaders before we finally get to Samson. He rips a lion to shreds, eats some honey out of it, and kills an army with some random detritus. But after his shitty haircut, he gets so depressed that he pulls a building down on himself. Which would have been the most fucked up part of the book if some guy hadn't later decided to chop his recently-raped-to-death concubine into pieces and FedEx chunks of her all over the kingdom as an ethics lesson. Ruth.

Then we meet Ruth, who drunkenly seduces Boaz by sucking him off in his sleep. First Samuel. Meanwhile, the Philistines steal the Jews' magic ark and succumb to the curse of the were-tumor. Then we get over this judge crap and get to some proper kings. God is all-knowing, so he knows David will make the best king, but he chooses Saul instead, because his finger

had already touched that piece. Apparently, yeah. David proves his valor by killing some dude with a rock from a distance and shredding a harp like a biblical Andreas Wollenweider. Not to mention being so deft with a sword that he can alter your clothes while you're shitting in a cave without you even noticing. Second Samuel.

So he beats Saul and becomes king and fucks everybody, probably including Saul's son Jonathan. But definitely including Uriah's wife Bathsheba, who David had killed so as not to complicate the adultery. Yeah, the husband, not the wife. Basically, if he's not fucking you, he's hiring somebody to kill you and devastate your lands. First Kings. Then David dies, his kids fight for a bit until Solomon comes out on top. Now Solomon's really wise because he knows that moms don't want their babies cut in half, so he gets a lot of money. And then he builds a palace out of gold-plated diamonds.

And there were some other kings, but there's no way we're fucking rehashing all those stories. Besides, are they not written in the annals of the kings of Judah, which you were all supposed to read? Apparently that's required shit. Second Kings. And then along comes Elijah and Elisha, both of whom part-sees like Moses and fuck dead kids back to life, but only one of whom summons bears

to kill people for making fun of his head. Then we meet some other legendary kings with household names like Jehoahaz and Azariah, most of whom are completely evil as well. First Chronicles. Then the Bible just repeats half of the shit that we just read in Judges, Samuel, and Kings. Second Chronicles. And then it repeats the other half.

And then Nebuchadnezzar came in and went all Assyrian on that ass. Ezra. Fast forward a generation or two and Cyrus the Great lets the Jews go, so they decide to rebuild their awesome temple again. Which was going swimmingly until the Jews started fucking foreigners. Nehemiah. Then they rebuilt the wall around the city.

Which was also going swimmingly until they started fucking foreigners again. Classic mistake. Esther. Then we meet Esther, who steps in to work the king of Persia's dick when his other wife refused to fuck a cucumber for him at a dinner party. Which was embarrassing.

It's an awkward moment for everyone. I can imagine. But she's secretly Jewish, which the king doesn't find out until he decides to kill all the Jews, so he changes his mind at the last minute and tells all the Jews to kill all the Jew killers. Job. Then Satan bets God 50 bucks that Job will stop being pious if God gives him boils and kills all his kids.

Top way to make 50 bucks. Psalms. At which point the book takes a hard left from somewhat linear storytelling while we suffer through 150 verses of poems that read like God just dumped his junior high girlfriend. Proverbs. And just when you think the book has no wisdom to offer at all, you get to Proverbs and continue thinking the same thing. Exactly.

Ecclesiastes. Then there's this weird little hiatus where nobody's getting massacred and God isn't being an asshole. But for a bit of sexism, you have this strange little oasis of generally moral stuff right in the middle of an otherwise genocidal book. Huh, weird. Song of Songs. But before we get back to the rape and murder, we take a break to watch a young couple fuck for a book. That was nice. Isaiah.

Then we move on to the Prophets, which are basically 17 books of the same morbid shit with varying levels of insanity. Isaiah gets the apocalyptic ball rolling with prophecies about the destruction of Moab, Tyre, Egypt, Assyria, Damascus, Babylon, and Earth in general. So that's exciting to look forward to. Jeremiah. Then Jeremiah risks life and limb to reiterate the Old Testament's core message. People who are different than you are abominations that deserve to die. Lamentations. We piss and whine about the fall of Jerusalem alphabetically.

Ezekiel. Then Ezekiel shows up, flies away in a spaceship, and it gets so insane by the end that the lyrics to Horse With No Name make sense in comparison. Daniel. Daniel comes next and spends 12 chapters cementing an enormous lie about how he beat up a bunch of lions with his penis. Hosea. And as if those guys weren't minor enough, we move on to the minor prophets,

a series of pointless afterthoughts that the Jews added on so that Stephen King couldn't out-word count them later. Starting with Hosea, who demonstrates how fucked Israel is using a well-crafted spousal abuse analogy. Joel. Promises some locusts. Amos. Warns everybody that God's gonna go Cleveland Steamer on Judah really soon. Obadiah is also a biblical prophet, I guess. Jonah gets thrown onto an Assyrian beach by a fish with a vomit cannon.

Micah presages the sequel. Nahum dances on the graves of Nineveh. Habakkuk points out the problem of evil and then God just tells him to fuck off. Zephaniah. Also says words. Haggai. Hosts an episode of Extreme Makeover Temple Edition. Zechariah. Eats enough peyote to understand Hunter S. Thompson. And finally, Malachi. Reminds you that your immortal soul is quite lovely and it would be a shame if anything was to happen to it. And that's it. So if the Jews are looking to save on printing costs in the future, feel free to co-opt this summary you just heard. Yeah, yeah, you can use it.

And if that was still too much, by the way, here's a summary of the summary. God made humans. God told them what to do. They didn't do it. God killed them. Rinse. Repeat. Hello, this is Tony.

Tony, hi. This is Mark Culligan. I was in there last week with my wife. Mark, so good to hear from you. Hey, how's that new Christianity working out for you? Well, Tony, I've got to be honest. It's not working out as well as I hoped. You know, my wife and kids and I, we've been trying to pray away Grandpa's cancer all week.

It just doesn't seem to be doing a damn thing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Are you being penitent? Yeah. Are you humbling yourself sufficiently before God? Yeah, yeah. We're doing that.

How about the hand thing? Are you doing the hand thing? Palms together, on our knees, humble the we're doing that. How about the hand thing? Are you doing the hand thing? Palms together, on our knees, humble the whole nine, yeah. Well, I guess grandpa's cancer must just be part of God's plan. But when I was in the showroom, you said that we could pray away diseases with this stuff. Well, some diseases, not all diseases. Well, some diseases, not all diseases. Well, but we tried it on my wife's ingrown toenails and my erectile and on my sports hernia, and it didn't work on those either.

Well, you know, the curing diseases thing, that's more like a figure of speech than a statement of the religion's actual capabilities. You've got to read the fine print. The fine print? Well, I'm looking at the box right here. It says, Pray Away Diseases and Maladies in Minutes. Yeah, but there's an asterisk. Well, there's an asterisk after everything on this box. Exactly. Look, God reserves the right to answer or not answer your prayers at his discretion.

Well, what the hidey-ho? Why didn't you tell me this at the dealership? Well, you know, there's just, there's so much to cover. It must have slipped my mind. All right, but what about the understanding and the inner peace? That doesn't seem to be working right either. Again, it's in the fine print. Have you read the instructions? Well, I, well, part of them. Well, there you go. Look, these instructions are 66 books long, all in archaic English mistranslated from three different dead languages. I'm supposed to read all 31,000 verses of this nonsense?

Well, if you want to know all the features of your new religion, of course. This is a load of hooey. I agreed to all those weird contract stipulations about hating gay people and not touching my dick, and now you pull this crap? Hey, hey, now I did get you the deal on the financing, though, right? We came down all the way from 12.5% all the way down to... Oh, did you? Because, you know what, I took the liberty of checking online, and from what I can tell,

10% of my lifetime income is the manufacturer's suggested retail price. I'm starting to wonder if you ever even talked to your boss at all. Well, I gave you a hell of a deal on the sealant, though. I told you I didn't even want the true coat. Look, man, they put that on at the factory, so... Yeah, whatever. Listen, I went with you guys because the other dealership wanted my foreskin,

but at least their religion came with a free hat. Well, part of a hat. Well, that's still more than I'm getting with you guys. Bliss? Not working. Prayer? Not working. Feeling of divine oneness? Not working. The only feature listed here on the box that works is the guilt.

Have you tried the smug feeling of superiority? No, I haven't. But look, that's... Well, how about the naive delusions of persecution? I hear great things about the naive delusions of persecution. Look, that's not why I bought it, though. I don't really care about that stuff. I'm sorry, Mark, but I don't know what to tell you.

You bought it how you saw it. Saw it? It's invisible. Look, okay, tell me that at least the eternity in paradise works. I can deal with all this other stuff not working as long as I get the eternity in paradise. Oh, yeah, yeah, that bit works. Are you sure? After you're dead and you can't call me anymore?

Absolutely. Or your money back. Phew. Well, that's good to know, Tony, because I gotta be honest with you. For a minute there, I was starting to think that this whole thing was a scam. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that affords us an opportunity to fuck up regularly, comfortable in the knowledge that it'll just make this segment easier to fill.

Speaking of which, our first message comes from Jeremiah. We covered a story last week about the Argentinian president adopting a Jewish werewolf. And as credible as that sounds on its face, there might be reason to doubt the story's veracity after all. Despite appearing on way more legitimate news sources than this show, it turns out the story is a mistake, at least partially. The adoption of the seventh Jewish kid was not intended to keep him from turning into a werewolf and was not, in fact, at all related to the Argentine tradition of murdering your seventh kid to keep them from turning into a magic wolf. Right, right. And in our defense, though, I'd say, A, our fact-checking department is way smaller than NBC, The Telegraph, and The Huffington Post, and B, the kid didn't turn into a werewolf,

so whatever her intentions were, she did prevent that. And whether or not this Jewish godson is related, Argentina still has a tradition of murdering seven sons to avoid werewolves. That's the important takeaway, I think. Let's not lose the forest inside of the trees there. Our next story is also a correction, though less so. This one comes to us from astute listener and celebrity Farnsworth impersonator Kevin, who writes about the David Barton story we covered last week in which the extraordinarily

discredited pseudo-historian claimed that the founding fathers rejected evolution pre-Darwin. Kevin writes, quote Sorry that the first thing I do with the new year Is find a slight fault on the last episode Of which I'm still on your side, but the truth doth Come forth. Charles Darwin's Masterwork is really only famous for finding the primary Mechanism of evolution, which is, of course By natural selection. Actual ideas

Hypothesis and types of layman Theories regarding evolution of one species Into another had been proposed as far back as the early 1700s. That sounds like a correction in need of a correction. Right, right. Just saying. Kevin, sorry that the first thing I do with this new email is find a slight fault

with it, but theories about one species evolving into another go back at least to Anaximander in the 7th century BCE, which is what Barton was referring to. That being said, the theory of evolution by natural selection is what one is referring to when one refers to Darwinian evolution or just evolution at this point. It's one thing to reject the atomic theory

when it's being pulled whole cloth out of Democritus' ass, but it's quite another thing to reject it when it's being used to blow shit up. Ed, regardless of where you place the origin of evolution theory, Barton was saying it's been debunked. Right. And we were saying that's incorrect. And we're right, and he's wrong. Yeah, right, right.

So what's on the takeaway? I hope this doesn't come off as pedant jitsu or anything, but I re-listened to that segment, and there's nothing in it that is factually incorrect or anything that we said that implies that evolution hadn't been proposed pre-Darwin. We, of course, summarily dismissed the relevance of criticism offered to the theory

before our modern understanding of it began, which I'm sure you do as well. So as near that, Henry. Lucinda's warnings were never meant to be comprehensive. I should have made that clear. comprehensive. I should have made that clear. We also got an email from Percival asking us if we think our brand of scathe might hurt the movement sometimes by alienating people on the fence about religion. Yes, this is our bi-weekly email on that subject. Exactly. He also included a link to an article from Daylight Atheism discussing this very subject, and it mentions a very important idea in politics called the Overton Window that applies here. The theory refers to the way in which a society will only accept a narrow swath of political ideas at any given time. As a result, progressive change can't occur unless the window is sufficiently pushed in the progressive direction. Yeah, so a phrase forever ruined for me when Glenn Beck co-opted it for the title of the toilet paper he wasted by printing his book on it.

Unfortunately for most countries in the world, including this one, there are millions of radically anti-progressive religious people being extremely loud about the backwards policies they want. Right. And this horribly skews the window's location. So even if I actually agree with a moderate agnostics view on the philosophical side of this, I still need to lobby for change as an enormously angry atheist if I wanted to do anything, if I want the window to move anywhere reasonable. Right, exactly.

In other words, we have millions of idiots sitting on the infinitely illogical end of the seesaw. So, one more time, why all the scathe? The short answer, we're assholes, but we're right. Right. The sophisticated answer, if you want to pretend we have a sophisticated answer, it's the Overton window. Yeah, we've got to get way out on our end of the seesaw

there. And the other thing is, emails like this are a byproduct of exactly the problem we're trying to tackle. We live in a society where every f***ing subject in the world is allowed to be as contentious as possible, except religion. If we were discussing politics, or economic policy, or movies, or music, or computer

preferences, nobody would even think twice about how vitriolic we were being. Nobody would say, you know, people who actually like Transformers will be more willing to listen to you if you didn't refer to the action sequences as the CGI equivalent of testicular cancer. By even asking us that question, you're succumbing to religion's centuries-old effort to put itself above reproach. Catch more flies with honey.

We're not trying to catch flies, you fucking hillbilly. What are you talking about? We weren't talking about you, Percival. And finally, we have a message from Nathan in Ohio, who takes us to task for not making fun of crippled people enough. Okay, awesome. Quote,

I have but one humble request. You guys need to find a way to insert a decent handicap joke into your show. I've been in a wheelchair since I was three years old, and I've always said that the best way to deal with tragedy is to laugh in its face, end quote. So apparently we haven't made a wheelchair joke yet,

which is ridiculous to me. Yeah, well, you know, and there was a lot more to the email too, Nathan. It was a great email, really appreciate it. He went on to talk about how his family loves to explain away his atheism by saying that he's just mad at God because of his disability. And that one always strikes me as strange because what they're saying is that if they were in your wheels, they wouldn't believe in God. So what exactly are they admitting?

Stupidity. They're admitting stupidity. So upon realizing that we've been seriously missing our handicap joke quota and that churches are having trouble bringing in the lame, we want to kill two birds with one stone, so we're going to offer up our top ten Christian outreach slogans for recruiting people with disabilities. Alright, number ten.

Jesus can fix that shit, yeah. Number nine. Jesus. His ideas were so good, his blood has legs. Number eight. Think of it as retroactively granting you a lifetime worth of prayers for good parking spots. Number seven. Jesus can fix crippled disabled people.

The lame of God. Number six. All right, just the seeing eye dogs get to go to heaven. We'll make an exception. Speaking of blind people, number five. Amazing Grace once saved a wretch just like you. Just like you. Give it a shot.

What could it hurt? Number four. Because Jesus will probably rise again before you do. Number three. Since you can't walk through the valley of the shadow of death, well, you're going to fear no evil. Right. The deaf and the blind thing was so you would hear no evil and see no evil. It's win, win, win for the Helen Keller types.

There you go. Number two. Christianity. Actively normalizing mental disabilities since zero. Number one. And we're buying you a rampway to heaven. Finally installing the ramp. And that's all the feedback you get.

If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we upend the bottle tonight, I wanted to apologize if this episode sounds a bit echoey or if there are issues with the sound quality. We just moved into a new house and the damn thing is cavernous. We're working on soundproofing our new studio, but we're not there quite yet. Should be back to normal by the next episode. Also, while I'm apologizing, I want to apologize for all the massive fuck-ups with the RSS feed last week. Apparently, when you click Next on Libsyn's calendar in December of 2014, it assumes that you mean January of 2014.

I didn't think to double check it. So even though the episode actually came out two days earlier, it was dated January 1st of 2014 instead of 2015. And of course, I moved immediately after I uploaded it. So it took a couple of days to fix it. So if you didn't get that episode, it should be up in normal now. And depending on what you listen with, the episode might already be on your feed, but it'll be sitting between, I think, episode 47 and 48. Anyway, sorry, I got it right 97 times in a row. I was bound to fuck it up eventually. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but if you want more, there's more. Tom and Cecil were kind enough to invite us on for their 200th episode of Extravaganza. We're on part two of that, which I believe comes out the same day as this episode. Anyway, we had a blast.

Definitely worth a listen. I'm sure the other guests were also funny, even though I haven't heard them yet. Obviously, I can't shut it down without thanking Keith Enright for the enormous role that he plays in making this show happen week after week. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for carving out some time for us once again this week. I also want to thank Packard Sonic from the Packard Pokes app podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I haven't had a chance to check out his podcast with the move and all, but I've heard really good things. If you want to find out for yourself, we'll have a link on the show notes for episode number 99. But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's most enviable bipeds.

Amanda, Wayne, Daniel, Ryan, Derek, E. Rene, Lincoln, Colin, Dusty, John, David, James, Tor, Paul, Travis, No Religion Required, Michael, Jeff, Stephen, Lars, Daniel, Dean, and Adam. Amanda, Wayne, Daniel, Ryan, and Derek are so hot they've got to be factored into global climate change models. E. Rene, Lincoln, Colin, Dusty, John, and David, who are so influential people started naming their kids after them in advance, James, Tor, Paul, Travis, no religion required, and Michael, who are so bright aliens use them to calibrate their astronomy equipment, and Jeff, Stephen,

Lars, Daniel, Dean, and Adam, whose cocks are big enough to be mistaken for the Loch Ness Monster even when they're on the continent. Together, these 23 men, women, and atheist podcasts have proved their magnificence before all of humanity this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the might, intellect, and atheist podcasts have proved their magnificence before all of humanity this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the might, intellect, and superior genitalia required

to give us money, but if you'd like to join their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, and I'm crazy if I think you're going to pay for free dick jokes, you can also make a big difference by giving us a phenomenal review on iTunes,

where your podcast rating vehicle of choice. And don't forget to check out our show on Stitcher, the superior way to listen to this podcast whilst simultaneously improving our Stitcher rank. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Lemon face, lion face.

Lemon face, lion face. Hey, did I tell you the one about the camel who fucked the sheep who fucked the... Well, the camel was fucking the sheep. The sheep was fucking the dog. The dog was fucking the cat. And the cat was fucking the mouse. And the mouse was fucking the rat. And the rat was fucking the flea. Did I tell you that one?

I don't remember how it goes. Anyway. Twins. Cock. Balls.