The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 100: Je Suis Charlie Edition

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

In this week's episode, we honor the satirists that died in the Charlie Hebdo massacre with exactly the kind of memorial we figure a satirist would want.

This episode of The Scathing Atheist is dedicated to the memories of Stéphane Charbonnier, Elsa Kaya, George Walensky, Bernard Marie, Bernard Verlac, Philippe Honoré, Jean Cabot, Mustafa Urad, and all the other lives lost in the Charlie Hebdo massacre. Warning, parts of this episode are sad, and still very profane. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the bigger-than-ever French satire publication, Charlie Hebdo. Now an immortal symbol of free speech thanks to some dead terrorist assholes whose profit-avenging plan just backfired. And now, the scathing atheist. Je suis Charlie. Et je suis Mohammed, and I'm eating a bacon cheeseburger, drinking some scotch, and masturbating furiously to the Torah, and ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm loving it. And we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. And it's Thursday.

And it's January 15th. Et nous pensons, donc nous sommes charlie, motherfuckers. I'm Noah Lujan. I'm Heath Enright. And from come and get us, any place, any time, anybody, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. In this week's episode, we'll meet a pastor that didn't realize last week's MMA and church story was supposed to involve consensual fighting. A certain GOP presidential hopeful confuses transgender with magical hentai penis. And Eli Bosnick will join us to see if he can make Heath do that slow-rolling, increasingly high-pitched laugh that he does when shit's really funny. But first, the diatribe.

You know, I would love to say that the first thing that ran through my mind when I heard about the Charlie Hebdo massacre was concern for the victims' families. I'd feel better about myself if that had been my first thought. Or maybe if my first inclination was to think about how courageous these guys were and gals were to continue to publish in the light of such credible threats and repeated attempts on their lives. That's probably what I should have thought about. And if I was a better person, that's probably what I would have thought about. But the first thing that occurred to me and the one that echoed the loudest was there but for the relative lack of success go I. You know, of course, I'm sure everyone listening already knows what I'm talking

about. But for those of you living under rocks or listening much later in archive, let me paint the picture for you. Last Wednesday, two masked gunmen walked into the Paris offices of the satirical publication Charlie Hebdo and massacred 12 people, including two police officers and eight of the publication's employees. Eleven others were wounded when they fired at least 50 rounds from two AK-47s, a shotgun, and an RPG launcher. Their targets were a bunch of unarmed cartoonists and they brought rocket-propelled grenades. You know, these weren't like cartoonists and ninja mercenaries. These were normal, innocent people.

Hell, one of the victims was in his 80s. In my mind, the only way this act gets more cowardly is that the victims were schoolchildren, which of course Muslim terrorists have also targeted. You know, a sane person would think it impossible to switch off the part of your brain that tells you that when you murder unarmed octogenarians with grenade launchers, you're the bad guy.

A sane person would know that there's no offensive ink that justifies a retaliation in blood. And while we're at it, a sane person would probably also accept that you don't get a buy one, get 71 free deal on posthumous virgins if you kill enough of the people that pissed god off so clearly the goal here was to kowtow the western media to subvert criticism of their preferred brand of bullshit through fear and while their damn near canonization of their victims certainly constitutes a backfire if you've been following the media coverage of this story you'll know that there are plenty of media outlets in the west that come pre kowtowed every time i saw black bars over the parts of the charlie you'll know that there are plenty of media outlets in the West that come pre-cowtowed. Every time I saw black bars over the parts of the Charlie Hebdo cartoons that make Muslims shoot people, every time I read something about someone who wanted to say that they

absolutely support the right to free speech, but every time I saw the memories of these cartoonists besmirched as racist or misogynistic, I couldn't help but reflect on the contrast between that and any other person killed in the line of duty. And make no mistake here, these were satirists killed in the line of duty. These were my brothers and sisters in arms, people who took a pun to a sword fight, people who fought the absurdity of religious zealotry with the most natural reaction to absurdity, humor. These were people who stood on the front lines of freedom of speech, the foundation on which all other human freedoms are built, the prerequisite to a free society. And I'm sorry if I'm lionizing my own profession here a bit, but very often, satire is the truth's last sanctuary.

Now to be fair here, the media coverage on this has been far from monolithic. I've seen plenty of talking heads and op-eds that got this exactly right. Unequivocal condemnation of the terrorists, unconditional support for the victims, and their right to print whatever the hell they please. And there's also been plenty of bigoted scare media that paints this as just the excuse we needed to make mosques illegal and deport all the brown people. But the ones that really puckered my rectum were the ones that offered this limp-dicked announcement followed by a list of caveats. You know, people that would never endorse violence, mind you. They would never fault somebody for free expression. But, you know, the cartoons were racist

and sexist, and they marginalized an already marginalized group, and they were intentionally antagonistic. And what did these guys expect? And to everybody who penned one of those pieces or nodded along when they read one, fuck you. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you. Firefighters know what to expect, don't they? And yet, when they die in the line of duty, we don't temper our grief with a reminder that, you know, they knew that building was on fire when they went in. We simply admire the courage it took to go in anyway.

You know, so what if you don't agree with their message or their approach? If a cop was killed enforcing a law that you didn't agree with, you certainly wouldn't go any more lenient on the killer because of it. And as to the charge that the cartoons were racist, the honest truth is I don't know. But I do know that a lot of people could walk away from this show

calling Heath and me racists and sexists. I don't speak French, so I can't say for sure. But even if they are racist, why the fuck would you even bring that up? If a soldier was killed in the line of duty, I don't give a shit if he was a lifetime dues-paying member of the Ku Klux Klan. It's not something a sensible person would bring up in the obituary. Now granted, in a sane world, cartoonist would never be considered

one of those dangerous, put-your-life-on-the-line types of jobs, so it might sound absurd to compare them, but it was in this case, and the victims knew that it was. This publication was firebombed back in 2011 over an edition guest-edited by Mohammed, and even that wasn't the first time they were attacked by Islamic zealots. These people courageously elected not to give in to the threats, not to muffle their voices, and it wasn't just terrorists telling them to tone it down either. French politicians had urged them to be a little less offensive.

Other publications had condemned them for being too antagonistic long before this attack. And as odd as it might sound that someone chose to draw fucking cartoons even at the risk of their own life, one's inability to comprehend it doesn't make it any less valiant. But of course, there's nothing at all incomprehensible about this to me. The reason we say it is because you told us we couldn't say it. You say we can't draw pictures of your prophet? Well, here's a generous helping of the fuck I can't with a side of Muhammad butt-fucking a camel.

Because the ideas that people try to exclude from criticism are precisely the ones that we most need to criticize. Because the only way to remind you that you have no right to not be offended is to offend you. And they know they can't offer reasons because people who have reasons don't need violence. So instead, they're trying to send this message that we should be afraid to offend them. They're trying to say that they have some right to not be offended, that Trump's another person's right to live. They're trying to say that they're in control of what we say and how we say it. And as much as that's the message they're trying to send, what they're really saying

is that a cartoonist's ink pen is mightier than their god. Yesterday a jester lay upon the ground, I've come to pay my dues. pay my dues Another martyred artist mowed down by the heartless carcass of his muse Their cowardice is powerless, it's a sword without a handle that they've wrought They flatter us, we satirists admitting that we're stronger than their God Je suis Charlie And we'll meet Yesterday a gesture lay upon the ground ground I've come to pay respect Their pages were courageous so this rage is just a sign of their success

They may have killed some voices but now they're deafened by the chorus that they've spawned Their error is their terror ebbs but laughter echoes after we are gone Je suis Charlie Surely And will be Yesterday or just today Upon the ground I've come to pay my Due They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight is Mon Frere d'Arm, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to blaspheme unabated? All right, just give me a second, though. I'm right in the middle of drawing a pornographic depiction of about 100 well-hung Parisian Jews running the train on Mohammed. All right, let me get a look at her. Let me get a look at her. Feels so good when I draw bullshit prophets getting blasted from behind. Feels so good on my eyes.

Like retinal orgasms here. All right, go ahead. I have to admit that this tragedy hit very close to home for us, and it's been a really angry, morose week, which dampened the hell out of the whole woo-hee-it's-our-hundredth-episode enthusiasm that we were expecting to have. Instead, it's more like a fuck-you-it's-our-hundredth-episode-deal-with-it type of episode. Right.

But that being said, the way to honor dead satirists is satire. I feel like those homicidal zealots have already taken enough laughter out of the world. I'll be damned if they're going to take any more out of this show. Yeah. zealots have already taken enough laughter out of the world, I'll be damned if they're going to take any more out of this show. Yeah, so picture a sloppy vagina dressed as a clown riding a tricycle or whatever it is that makes you laugh, and we'll go ahead and kick off the headlines with smiles on our faces.

Well, you're wondering where the big red nose goes. In our lead story tonight, we have more shit about the Charlie Hebdo massacre, but this time from the other side. See, so far we've limited our discussion to the rational side of the argument,do massacre, but this time from the other side. See, so far we've limited our discussion to the rational side of the argument, but to fill us in on what the people who aren't thinking are thinking, we've got Marine veteran and right-wing nutjob darling Nick Powers,

who explained in a recent interview on Fox & Friends that this was just the excuse we needed to give the Muslims a good killin'. Oh, now we can kill some Muslims according to Nick Pappas? But until last week, I'm sure this guy wasn't a homicidal bigot at all. It was a brand new thing. Well, now, to be fair, he was a Marine.

His job was to kill Muslims. According to Powers, the real problem here, apparently, is that we've been hampered by civil liberties and political correctness when we should, quote,

get dirty and exterminate this scum that is plaguing the entire planet, end quote. Sound public policy. Yeah, I'm not sure how the political correctness ties into this. Maybe they were making him kill insurgents instead of towel heads or something. I don't know. But I can assure you, Nick, civil liberties have not slowed down our anti-terrorism efforts

over the past decade and a half. That's what I think. And as evidence, I'd like to submit Exhibit A, the last decade and a half. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we just released an enormous, well, a small piece of an enormous torture report. No, an enormous piece of a more enormous report. Right.

Yeah. Detailing all zero civil liberties for suspected terrorists, read Muslims, that were being honored by CIA and Homeland Security recently. And that wasn't even helping. Right? Yeah. We were just doing that anyway, like, pretty much for spite and not getting any actionable intelligence.

And we're talking about a guy that probably had to get the Fuck France tattoo removed from his face before the interview. My favorite part, though, was when host Brian kilmeade said to the of the french softies appeasement gets you nowhere which is apparently like his way of trying to get around godwin's law on a technicality i guess you didn't let him get around it though nope well done and in exactly how much new bigotry does this justify news tonight tucker carlson would like to know exactly how much new bigotry he gets to have after this terrorist massacre in france but he said it using words that sounded a little bit

better than i just used so on top of all the real reasons i'm pissed i'm also angry because these terrorists made me almost agree with tucker carlson just now so fuck you guys for that too and for making me reveal how shitty my french pronunciation is. Now, Carlson's basic point suggested that we need to re-examine immigration policy in this country, considering the positive correlation between Muslim people and crazy Muslim people. Okay, again, hard to disagree, right? And I'm a little pissed. But then he might as well have added, I could say the sand N-word, because lots of my friends are about to get deported too.

Which finally reminded me, there's a non-bigoted way to hate Islamic extremism. You hate extremism. Right, exactly. Religious extremism is an example of that. And also you leave out the reference to what lots of your friends are. That's going to help in your argument. No, it doesn't ever help. But the thing to point, like you're saying,

it's just, it doesn't matter what kind of extremism it is. There are plenty of people actively trying to turn America into a Christian theocracy too. And I don't know if some of them are

Tucker Carlson's best friends, but some of them damn sure share a cafeteria with him. Yes. And there's a very important distinction here that needs to be understood,

yet sadly this is way too subtle for way too many people. Here's how this works. When we see radical acts of religion inspired homicide by Muslim people, that doesn't mean we should fear other random Muslim people because they're Muslim. Nor because they're often brown. Right. It means we should fear fundamentalist religion because it can trick people, right now Muslims, yes, into believing murder is righteous. Again, Islam is certainly fear fundamentalist religion because it can trick people right now muslims and i'm just into believing murder is righteous again islam is certainly winning that category now we get it but it's not because jesus is real and allah's fake this is the specifics of the religions

switch out the quran for the bible with crazy people that think every word is true it doesn't get any better it's the religious fundamentalist part that is the uniting factor among all these atrocious acts throughout history. Just take a look. Yeah. It's really that easy. Moving on to other shit now. And in subhuman wins news tonight, New Jersey pastor Eric Daman is really sorry about that kid that he punched the shit out of. That we wouldn't know about if he hadn't bragged about doing it on the internets.

Now this story begins with an online sermon from Dam, Damon, Damon, we'll go with Damon. It recently surfaced where he was boasting about physically assaulting a child under his custody as a youth minister. Right, so you can understand why it would take a while for a story like that to surface. Bad as it sounds, over-the-shirt fist fisting that's not exactly headlines worthy material when you cover clergy abuse unfortunately yeah and it will and too if the kid recovers after a couple of days it's not even a sin so in a video that is he is presently trying to scrub from the internet entirely he talks about a boy that in his views wasn't taking the lord seriously enough in response damon quote punched him in the chest

as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. Then he added, kapow! Shit you not. And then he added, there's times that might be needed. And he's so proud of him.

So you didn't like doing it, but you said it really nice. He's like a drunk 10-year-old at a keg party talking about pwning noobs back in Nam. Right. Ridiculous. He could like a drunk 10-year-old at a keg party talking about pwning noobs back in Nam. Right. Ridiculous.

He could have just admitted that he was lying about this ever happening. Of course, sometimes you just got to knock a kid out for Jesus. Doesn't play as well with an atheist audience. And once he realized that we were allowed on the internets, too, he's made a desperate attempt to distance himself from himself by saying, quote, I deeply regret my actions of 13 years ago. I do not condone abuse in any form, end quote. So, yeah, right. When he bragged about his ability to lay out preteens complete with the, you know, fat

guy pretending to beat up Air Ninja's punch and the Batman-inspired onomatopoeia, that was him. Right, exactly. That was his way of deeply regretting and not condoning this. And in frosty the infidel news tonight, in a valiant effort to remind people exactly why Muslims are so damn deserving of mockery no matter how well-armed they get, a prominent cleric in Saudi Arabia took to the internets to explain why building snowmen is the devil's work. to explain why building snowmen is the devil's work. When asked whether it was religiously permissible to build snowmen with the kids, Sheikh Mohammed Sla Al-Mujjid explained that... Challenge.

Challenge, what? It's like three J's. To do so would be to create an image of a human being, which is forbidden by Islam because it's a thing that you do. Right. Thou shalt not juxtapose objects in time and space. It's like number four or five. It's a tricky fucking religion.

You can't. Right. I mean, I'm sitting here trying to puzzle out how this affects proper ice cream scooping procedure in Saudi Arabia. And online supporters are already upping the ante of insanity by proclaiming that building snowmen is, quote, imitating the infidels. This is the best part. What?

It promotes lustiness and eroticism. Seriously? End quote. I mean, who hasn't fucked a couple snowmen? Right.

But whatever, just throw a burka over them and, you know, like poke the pipe in the carrot out the eyes. There you go. They don't want to solve

this problem of too much raping of snowmen. Yeah, exactly. Then it'll look like a proper Muslim or a Pac-Man ghost, one and the same. Basically the same thing. And with that, I'm going to toss things over to Lucinda as the audience thinks to themselves, well, damn, if they're not putting 30 seconds on the clock for the snowman fucking story,

Mike Huckabee must have said something really stupid this week. And he did. He did. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape. A man wrote the Bible. A horse would smoke. If it's a legitimate rape. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Well, bless their little hearts. Those Catholics just keep trying. They've been trying to explain away their penchant for boyfucking for a long time now,

and they've tried on plenty of would-be culprits in the past. Past actual documents and reports from the Vatican have blamed the pandemic of child rape on homosexuals, the devil, promiscuous altar boys, wacky misunderstandings, hippies, and those meddling kids in the mystery machine. Clearly they've thrown a lot of things against the wall

and nothing has stuck, but they're ejaculate. But damn if they're not persistent. Cardinal Raymondke has a new nominee for scapegoat he hopes this one will succeed where all the others have failed cardinal burke blames the international pedophilia empowerment policies on wait for it the feminization of the church that's right they got too girly and what do girls do fuck Fuck boys. So, see, it was inevitable. Really. Now, granted, typically girls don't rape boys or have sex with 8-year-old ones consensually or otherwise, but let's hear him out.

According to Burke, it all started when they started letting girls do manly altar boy stuff and led to the inevitable raping of children when priests were, quote, feminized and confused about their own sexual identity, end quote. And as though he was unaware that unintentional ass-fucking-puns even existed, he went on to say that, quote, most priests have their first deep experiences of the liturgy as altar boys, end quote. But not all religious leaders lament the existence of people without penises. Take, for example, Indian lawmaker and devout Hindu Sakshi Maharaj, who understands that women play a vital role in making new Hindus, and also apparently knows what their quota is. And it's four, by the way. In a speech before a religious congregation, this actual sitting member of Indian parliament said, quote,

The time has come when a Hindu woman must produce at least four children in order to protect the Hindu religion. End quote. This in a country with 1.2 billion people where the average person lives on less than 10 bucks a day. I mean, say what you will about China's one-child policy, but I bet it would look good compared to India's four-child policy. A little more intrusive. But as long as the Catholics and Hindus got it, I'll give them some credit for at least admitting that women exist, which is more than I can say for the Jews this week. When covering the Charlie Hebdo Unity March, Israel's ultra-Orthodox newspaper, The Announcer,

did its readers the favor of photoshopping out all of the women in the picture of world leaders that attended the rally. Included in the list of ladies that didn't make the cut were German Chancellor Angela Merkel and the EU foreign policy chief, Frederica Mogherini. Upon hearing about this story, the Obama administration responded, Yeah, that's the ticket. He was there too, but he got photoshopped out for being black. Honest engine. End quote. And that's all I've got for you this week.

I'm sure there will be more prick-waving patriarchy that needs smacked down again next week, though. So until then, I'll hand it back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And from the Gives Great Headscarf file tonight, I just came, the 12,105,638th viewer of Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa's hijab-clad

Pornhub video, during which she helps another temporarily scarfed Muslim woman service a white cock, probably destroying all of Islam. Oh, damn it. You hear that, jihadist? It's over. Wrap it up. I'll go home.

It's done. So the video's about seven minutes long, and I can tell you from experience, the first three minutes are excellent. However, not all the reviews were as positive as mine, including a handful of Muslims who got mad about the demise of their entire religion and decided to send the actress death threats on Twitter last week. You know, that is so weird, too, because I've been sending this thing around to mosques all over the country asking them if it's offensive, and nobody's gotten back with me to say yes, so they have no problem with it.

These guys are like outliers. Well, as it turns out, Ms. Khalifa is fully aware that actual jihadist assassins probably don't send you a detailed account of their murder plot beforehand with badly photoshopped pictures and poorly constructed sentences so when some asshole tweets quote your you are head will be cut soon and quote with a link to her face superimposed into a beheading scene with with microsoft paint by the way eight bit nintendo paint so she knows it's just just some Muslim nerd feeling guilty about how he probably just jerked to

her video while sobbing uncontrollably about how he's going to hell. So in response to the head-cutting threat she most recently had, she tweeted back, quote, as long as it's not my tits. They were expensive, end quote. Don't cut my tits. Nobody's looking at my head anyway. Blasphemous Muslim apostate porn star. Sense of humor, sense of cock.

Check, check, check, check, check. If she likes fantasy football and rape jokes, doesn't matter. Marry me. Right, right. Yeah, even if it's just liking fantasy rape and football jokes, that'd be fine too. And in anal Huckabee's news tonight, remember Mike Huckabee, David Barton fan, Baptist minister, hates gay people, wants to be the leader of the free world. Well, he's about to release a new book as well. And knowing his target audience is largely illiterate, he went with the title God Guns Grits and Gravy. That's his book done. Actual menu item at the Cracker Barrel, too. Probably where he came up with it.

Having some gravy fried gravy. And he said, you know what? Wouldn't be surprised. It turns out some excerpts from an early copy of the book were released by U.S. News, and they shed some light on his early campaign strategy, which seems to be focused on cementing his street cred as an expert in human sexuality. For example, apparently he had that street cred going. In one section of the book, he points out the obvious flaw

in the doctrine of marriage equality, specifically that bisexuals, we didn't think of this, they're going to need to marry two spouses, and I guess that fucks up the math. He's worried. But as a heterosexual, I want to fuck all the women, but that doesn't mean I have to marry a bunch of – I mean, he knows that other people also want to fuck –

Heterosexuals, too. He does know that, doesn't he? It's not premarital sex if you don't marry the girl. All right. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Of course. We're doing excerpts that may or may not appear in the Mike Huckabee Human Sexuality textbook. Go!

Some of these are from U.S. News, others are from an under-the-table source. This was Mike Huckabee speaking on unimplanted fertilized cells. He said they have the right to remain silent, they have the right to an attorney. If they cannot afford an attorney, an obtrusive misogynist will be appointed

to them by the GOP. All right. How about Mike Huckabee on bisexuality? What are you just talking about? Bisexual means polygamous termaphrodite, so when these people

marry two spouses, that creates an odd number which makes it impossible for everyone else to get married. It's just a question of the math. Really kind of

what he was saying. How about his words on the transgendered? I believe he said they're like a fancier version of the math. Really kind of what he was saying. How about his words on the transgendered? I believe he said they're like a fancier version of the GoBots, but there's really only one Optimus Prime, and that's Jesus. On marriage equality. And this one is straight from the new book. Quote, when advocates of same-sex marriage say, what's the harm? Quote, when advocates of same-sex marriage say, what's the harm?

The honest reply is that at this point, we simply don't have enough reliable, accumulated data to be able to say. End quote. So, in summation, Mike Huckabee thinks gay marriage is like a new type of cancer. Yeah, right. Either that or he's just found a fancy way of saying, I ain't thought of nothing yet. Hold on. Oh, and how about Mike Hucklebee's wisdom on anal beads? I would imagine it's a real uncomfortable place for a Pearson to begin with,

whether you go with the hoop or the bead. How about Huck's on felching? What's next? Do we start producing two-headed bendy straws for these people? The infrastructure just isn't there. Be realistic. I believe he also spoke in the new book about the flashlight. He said he doesn't believe it's a good

product. He's been fucking it for hours and the batteries still aren't charged. Still can't get any sea into the basement with it even after all that effort. It's tricky. You don't know which On sex toys, physics, and the ass-holy trinity. Ass to ass to ass doesn't even make sense.

The vectors are all wrong. It's like a Ouija board with Santorini. Who's pushing it? Even it out. I believe you had an interesting quote on oral sex, too. I believe you said, swallow, bitch. It was a shorter one. That was the shortest one we got. All right. We've got the huckster on abortion. quote on oral sex too. I believe he said, swallow, bitch! It was a shorter one. That was the shortest one we got.

Alright, we've got the huckster on abortion. Life begins when a man decides, I'm gonna fuck that girl over there. With higher odds if that man sells pudding pops. How about his thoughts on a menage

à trois? I believe the term is freedom fuck. About Mike Huckabee on the female orgasm. The clit is like God. It's definitely real. And one day we'll find it. We're going to find it. Clit's coming back. Maybe we should check the esophagus. Or the colon one more time should check the esophagus or the colon one more time.

Check the esophagus and the colon one more time. As if I didn't already have enough reasons to feel sorry for that dude's wife. Well, that's going to do it for Headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji. Fuck terrorists. And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us for a nostalgic look back at how crazy all those 2014 haircuts and fashions look now. When we marked our 50th episode last year, we did so with a quick year in review that we called the Pentagrammy Awards.

And since I referred to them then as the first annual pentagrammys, and since I'm a man of my word, and since our 100th episode falls so close to the real Grammys, I don't know that we have a choice but to reprise that bit again this year. But just to be clear, I'm talking to you, Christian college students in Georgia. We don't believe in God, and we also don't believe in an evil version. The pentagram thing just, like, fit into the title, finally. You believe in Satan. We're reasonable. Yes. Go ahead. Though your bafflement that Satanists believe in the thing that you believe in still strikes me as

internally inconsistent and joining us of course once more to put another year in the books is friend of the show eli bosnick eli welcome back thanks for having me guys happy anniversary oh i thank you sir it's actually this is going to come out two days before our two-year anniversary. Well, they're tearing up your blowjob coupons. All right, so now this is your first visit of 2015. How's the year treating you so far, sir? So far, taxes. So far, my year is just... It's funny how much money they take.

You always forget. Then you're going to go to prison. Yeah, it's always a fun year-end thing where TurboTax all of a sudden becomes like a weird, abusive boyfriend. Just like, all right, I need $500 for beer or else I'm going to send my friends to your house. All right, so we're going to just follow the same formula that we did last year, complete with the same basic awards, which means that our first pedigrammys of the night will go to 2014's Best Religious News Item. Now, last year's nominees included a statue of the devil, a canine IED, and the rise of the atheist church.

So, Eli, what would you like to nominate for the Best Religious News Item of 2014? I have to give the Florida Satanists who gave out the Satan's coloring book that scared everyone away from their share your nut-nutball-ness day. Right, we've been fighting that fight for a while. Well chosen. It's fantastic to watch leaders in those situations just lose their minds in trying to explain why one side should be allowed but not the other.

It's just like, look, you can come in the clubhouse, but only if you know the password. Now, Heath, what do you got? Best religious news item of 2014. Oh, man. I'm going to go with the only school massacre I've ever been happy about. That would be the suicide bomber instructor in Iraq who killed himself and his class of 22

terrorist students using live explosives in a demonstration. Only ways to simultaneously botch 22 suicide bombers. One is difficult. I don't believe that that's the only school massacre you've been happy about. The only way is to simultaneously botch 22 suicide bombers. One is difficult. I don't believe that that's the only school massacre you've been happy about. We're not going to get too much deeper into that.

Now, those are both great nominees, of course. I'd like to throw my support behind the Free Mubarak campaign. Now, this is a quick refresher. This was the guy, the Nigerian dude that was deemed mentally ill for not believing that his parking spaces are divinely ordained and was tossed into an asylum for it. As you recall, he managed to swipe his cell phone, had way better luck with Twitter's mobile app than I've ever had, and sent out an atheist call to action, which eventually led to enough international pressure to free him. So, you know, pat on the back to the online atheist community and a little jizz in the

eye to anybody who says that online activism is useless. So now that'll bring around our second category, which might have been my favorite from last year. Past nominees include the Pope, Antonin Scalia, and Catholic God. So to find out who will join this pantheon, I turn to you, Heath. Who is your nominee for 2014's Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism? I'm going with Ken Ham. Good choice.

For accidentally making the point that religion is silly if you go by things that have happened or what he calls observational history. Or science. For bending over on stage while Bill Nye dropped some science on him. Yeah, that was all. Also, and he's been doing this for several years, but also for doing such a great job showing us exactly how impossible it is for a 900-year-old and his kids to build so many cubits of Ark.

But I'm going to nominate Pastor David J. Manning of the Otlo World Ministries and the Big Apple. That's the sperm in the lattes unleashing the homo demons guy. You'll recall that, of course. Now, this dude is almost certainly mentally ill, so I hesitate to make fun of him too much. But I think it's significant for this particular category because it shows that the ramblings of a dude who is clinically batshit in the minds of many congregants are utterly indistinguishable from the words of a normal preacher. It's insane how many people sit, because listen,

if this guy walked up to you on the street and was like, they got semen in your lollipop, you'd be like, oh, sorry man, I don't have any money. But he sits in front of you and everyone's just like, well, you know, you gotta respect his vote. I have a brand new way to place all the homeless, just tell people they're preachers.

And all of a sudden, they've got thousands of people giving them money. Just, oh, God, don't let that out. I heard they hate my voice. I think they like me, you know? All right, well, you've made a damn good case for my nominee. How about your nominee eli i gotta go for kirk cameron kirk cameron here i mean i am slanted of course toward the movie section but kirk cameron has just just topped all christian movies by making the single most

beautiful crazy movie without content and with the world universally replying with a zero percent as close as you can mathematically get to zero percent absolutely now i'm just going to go out on a limb here and i'm going to say that that is the beginning and the end of the award season for kirk cameron now if you guys don't mind i'm going to take the lead on this next category last year this one included shit eating piss drinking and paul walker so there's clearly a lot to live up to but my nominee for 2014's moment that most conflicted with the concept of a loving god has to be the story of ricky wagner do you guys remember this guy yes this is the guy that claimed to the cops that his bible the bible that was in his breast pocket stopped the bullet an attack, only to later admit that he'd faked the whole thing,

shot his own Bible, put it in his breast pocket post facto, after stabbing himself several times for effect, you know, just to sell the whole thing. Mike, I love that so much, because you know, I mean, there's no camera footage of it, but somewhere in the world at some point was that fat

crazy piece of shit just sitting somewhere stabbing himself going like i'm gonna be famous well and he and he did this all like like slightly off camera because there is camera footage from the bus but you just can't quite see him so he like moved into frame and like reached with his own hand to his neck and pulled himself back out of frame and that kind of shit so like he did this all very quickly as well, just slightly off-camera. He did the Austin Powers thing. Did he do a canoe and an elevator?

And they're like, oh, no, they're getting... Now I'm having to go out on this elevator. That was the best one. Or they're mugging me and shooting my breast pocket. I bet he was probably planning on doing the whole escalator and rowboat thing, and then after a couple of stab wounds, he's like, fuck it, let me shoot this Bible real quick.

Now, do you have a you have a nominee uh here elon uh yeah mine's mine's pretty simple and pretty mathematical god's not dead made 62 million dollars seriously yeah 62 million dollars how about you heath What do you got? I'm going with Iran passing a law in November that's going to kill pretty much all the dogs there. That was pretty bad. Also, I read somewhere that global warming is like a real thing now. So why would God do that and only tell the atheist scientists at first? Right, right. Just finally got around to telling the Pope.

And that brings us to perhaps the most contentious category, or at least the one with the largest pool of nominees. Jenny McCarthy, Pat Robertson, and Muslim God have all been honored here before, but 2014 offered up a wide swath of potential biggest assholes. Now, Eli, before I ask you for your nominee, I feel the need to once again point out that we're not actually going by rectal circumference here. This would be the biggest figurative asshole of 2014. Who do you have? Oh, okay. Well, then I take back my nomination for Asa Akira. I'm really proud of her and all the work she's done this year.

Who is that? I have no idea what name you're referencing. Which I didn't get that email. But fine. If we're going with figurative, I'm going to go with everyone who has written about how the Charlie cartoons were racist and so you know you kind of

deserve to get shot a whole bunch normally I'm a big stickler for the rules that's all 2015 shit but in this case I am perfectly willing to retroactively apply their assholery to 2014 as well so yeah by all means they were still those people.

Yeah, exactly. They were still assholes back then. They've been amortized for over 100 years. They're still assholes. Yeah, exactly. I'll give it especially to Glenn Greenwald, who wrote the fantastic words, if one doesn't expect violence, one doesn't mock a religion. Like I said, I've already said my piece

about that on the diatribe, but I think I could do about five more minutes on it if I absolutely had to. I'm going to refrain for the moment. Heath, what do you got for us? Biggest asshole of 2014. Well, I'm going with Muslim God. I think, again, I think I might have put that last year. This is the Meryl Streep of religious asshole award ceremonies.

Muslim God, no question. And, like we were just talking about, you want to hear about the latest dick move, turn on any television channel at any time right now. Right. No, he's great. Yeah, Muslim God is very great. He's like, he comes out with his Sophie's Choice and then all of a sudden he turns around and there's adaptation! You're like, oh man, you're great!

That's crazy! You kill all the dogs and then boom, you turn around and kill a bunch of people in France. But then you kill 2,000 people in Africa and pretend that one is even more or less Muslim than the other Muslims. That's so fun. It's like the inception of being an asshole. Right. It's like a nesting doll of assholery.

Now, mine is going to seem like kind of a petty nominee after all of this, but I still want to nominate him. It's Gordon Klingenschmitt, a guy that I talked about so much last year that I can actually spell his name right on the first try. Here you've got a guy with nothing on his resume except Navy chaplain, bloviating fuckwit, frothing homophobe, and go-to 30 seconds on the clock inspiration, and he manages to parlay that into an actual seat in an actual statehouse in an actual country.

Using campaign literature by the way that claimed that new york business owners were being forced to butt fuck people of the same gender by law in order to keep their business licenses um so i heard a rumor now this is gonna bring us to our final category um and i am going to restrict this one to 2014 though we clearly have some worthy nominees in line for next year's award already so heath why don't you start us out on this one. Who will be the first person to join Sam Harris, Jamie Ian Swiss, and

Hemant Mehta as pentagramming nominee for Atheist of the Year? Alright, well, this is a weird one. I'm going with Pope Francis, and I think he's one or two gaps away from admitting it. He's going to say it. So, I'm already nominating him for next year. By the end of 2015, I'm saying he comes out as gay, takes up atheism, and fucks a hooker with a condom.

It's all going to happen. It's going to happen. You know he's just going to come out there. The curtains will open before he's ready just as he's squirting on her lower. No, it's a metaphor. Wait, everything's a metaphor. This is a metaphor for fucking hookers. Come on, guys.

It's a weird thought. Well, but you know what? That would be a perfect – Get this metaphor straight from God. on, guys. It's a weird thought. Well, but you know what? That would be a perfect. Yeah, exactly. That's a perfect biblical metaphor. Now, I'm going to go with co-nominations this year for Dan Barker and Annie Laurie Gaylor, co-presidents of the FFRF. They've been doing great work for a lot of years, of course, but they've really outdone themselves this year. They've been on the forefront of dozens of huge issues.

And I think post-Hobby Lobby, their approach and resources are more important than ever, so they're going to get my nominees for Atheists of the Year 2014. Eli? And I've got to give mine to Peter Boghossian, not just for Manuel, but just especially for the way he destroys people on Twitter, and his Twitter account is my favorite. It's my favorite. Whenever I feel bad and I watch Sam Harris on Twitter just desperately hoping that someone will understand or any of our modern people just being like, well, you're right. I might be a fag. But what if we thought of it this way? Peter Boghossian just goes, blocked. It's of that C.J. Werleman problem that he was having, didn't he? Now, that brings the nomination phase of the second annual Pentagrammy Awards to a close. Last year, we didn't worry too much about who actually won any of this shit. But this year, I'm going to be setting up five polls on our Facebook page. We're going to invite our listeners to chime in on who the winners were. The poll's going to go up the day this episode is released.

They'll stay open for 10 days, and we'll announce the winners on episode 102. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always, for your help. Glad to be here. Thanks for having me. You bet. And actually, Eli's going to be sticking around here when we come back. Lucinda's going to be joining the three of us to wrap up the Old Testament once and for all. Thank fuck.

The Holy Bible. When we originally set out on the instantly regrettable task of reading the Bible almost two years ago, the goal was to find out for ourselves what's actually in there. Is it as bad as atheists say? Is it as good as believers say? Is it actually the great work of literature that many secular critics claim? Is it really as boring as everyone who's ever read any significant portion of it insists? Well, now we know that the answers to those questions are definitive yes, no, not even close, and you have no fucking idea.

We could also tell you which tribes deserve to be genocided and call dibs on the oil first and the rape victim price floor in silver. But tonight we're going to officially be putting the Old Testament to rest by tackling a few of its deep questions and ethical prescriptions. And, of course, we're not letting the person who suggested all this Bible-reading shit in the first place off the hook. So joining us for this meta-babel is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Greetings and salutations, boys.

And, of course, still with us is notorious glutton for punishment, Eli Bosnick. Eli, appreciate you sticking around. Thanks for having me back. Anyway, what I thought we'd do tonight is try to look at the Old Testament as a whole and see if we can piece together the larger messages that unite it. So I asked everybody to come up with the five most pertinent lessons that they took away from reading the Old Testament. Lucinda, we're going to start with you. What do you have for number five? All right. Number five is have a penis. I mean, I know they require some alterations here and there,

but they don't sound too pleasant, but apparently they're better than the alternative. Yes, definitely better than not having a penis. Eli, number five. Don't murder anyone unless they do one of many, many, many things,

in which case murder the shit out of those people. And their pets. And their pets and their kids and the rocks that their kids once looked at. Everybody. Yeah. All right. Now I'm going to go with number five is that God is not even trying. I mean, let's set aside now.

Like, back in Moses' day, he was making plagues, parting rivers, mooting mountains, all kinds of shit. But even by the middle of this book, he started delegating all the important shit to, like, ranting naked prophets. So God's not even trying. That's my number five. You can tell, because this is how so many creative processes go, right?

You're going to join a band, and your friend who is the really big favorite, he was going to be the big guy for the band who starts out making calls to everybody, and then you can't get him on the phone. This is just God all over. Yes, exactly. Well, I'm with Lucinda on the penis-having idea,

but even more specifically, yeah, have the penis, the alterations, but make sure a Jewish dude mutilates it and blows you while you're a young child. The longer you wait, the more awkward it gets when you finally do it. Just get out of the way. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. And then blowing wherever you rip the Band-Aid off. Right.

Yeah, exactly. So my number four is God is a huge fan of dead goats, sheep, animals in general. Just kill as many as you can. So I believe he can hang out with them. He is a huge fan of dead goats, sheep, animals in general. Just kill as many as you can. So I believe he can hang out with them. I think he misses them. Is that it? He wants to hang out with them, pet their fur in heaven,

like a giant Lenny from Mice and Men. Send me to rabbits, George. See, now you're being way kinder than I would as to what you think God's doing once he gets him up there. So, you know, he's got a divine petting zoo. That's fine. That's not where I'd have gone first, but we'll be nice. Utilizing their penises and then blowing them. Slightly better.

I was in between those two things, actually. I thought he was fucking them in the rectum. Now, for my number four, and this game is quite a shock, as it turns out, fish intestines are fairly roomy. There's a lot more room to us to stretch out than I would have expected. I think I'm going to go with the part where, you guys remember this part where you learn that if we stand about, with our feet shoulder width apart, we rotate our torso to generate power, and this is the important part.

Take a medium swing, a medium swing. That's the best way to beat our slaves with a bat. You want them to get knocked out, but like 48 hours max. Unless you're just being an unreasonable slave owner. That's why you do that stretch in gym class when you're a kid, when you go back and forth. That's where that came from. We call that the slave swing

i went to school in the south so all right i learned that back in the days of the ancient jews only the wisest people knew that mothers didn't want their babies chopped in half right all right so for number three i'm going with um i'm going with this and this is something that i felt a lot of times when you're getting to the end of a large work it seems to me that the messiah mythos is so all over the map that the jesus story is going to have to end up like the last episode of lost there is no way or the cylons or something like that there's no way that they're going to tie all this shit together in one dude in the second book maybe i'm wrong but i'm just i'm bracing myself for sort of sort of a lost type disappointment at the end of this book. And that's a perfect metaphor, because there's still people hanging around defending it.

Right. And it's like, fuck you, man. Not a season of my life. I could have read a book. Not cool. Or two. So, Heath, what do you have for number three, then? All right.

I enjoyed learning this lesson. If you've got a 900-year-old alcoholic father who has always got his dick out, make sure you walk around the house backwards so you feel it before you see it. That's important. Or else, you know, your whole descendant tribe might get fucked. It goes bad for people all the time. In his defense, if I lived to 900, my dick is always out. You earned it.

Fine, go ahead. Keep it out there. Good for you. Yeah, there you go. And Lucinda? I'm a lot more rapable than I thought I was. Oh, God. I mean, if Angel... How rapable did you think you were?

I mean, you know, come on. If an Angel is about to get buttfucked... Answer the question! If an Angel is about to get buttfucked or just some random Levite and Gibby, I'm the moral alternative for the rape gang. I did not know that. Now, I also want to say,

on a related subject, baby, if any Gibbyans ever gang fuck you to death, I promise to do the noble thing. I will chop you into pieces and see just how serious the post office is about that whole, if it fits, it ships line. I will be a good husband. Good to know. Or a concubine

owner or whatever. Spread me around some. He loves me. And Eli? My number three is going to be, just because, and this is true of the whole Bible, but definitely the Old Testament, just because you started talking about one subject doesn't mean that you, can you catch a fish? Of all of God's mindless tirades, that is what you're talking talking about the one in Job where he just suddenly goes like, I got a crack in one.

We're just fishing, pulling, strangling with my bare hands. Yeah, that was a... Yeah, it's mid-sentence too. Again, I said it at the time. It's the drunken stepdad rant of the Lord Almighty. All right, we're getting down

to the very nitty-gritty, most important shit. Heath, what do you have for number two, most important lesson that you learned from the Old Testament? Okay, well, it seems like they really wanted to outlaw raping, but, you know, 11 commandments just doesn't sound catchy enough. So then, what are you going to do? They were almost at five. Yeah.

How about Lucinda? What did you have for two? Bruce Willis was dead the entire time. Well, just tell everybody why, don't? Bruce Willis was dead the entire time. Spoiler alert. Tell everybody why, don't you? I love the fifth element. True story. Performances have been dead since Moonlighting, but whole.

My number two is I'm the only God, just me. Are you looking at that other God right now? Never mind. I just want to go home. If you want him to stay, don't check out other gods the entire time. I'm not making a scene. I'll make a scene if you want me to make a scene. I'll make a scene.

Screw you guys. All right. Mine is going to be such a disappointment after that. I just have, don't you make no high places. God likes perfectly level. C-level. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Everything the same.

I want to be able to play billiards across fucking continents. All right, and now I feel like there should be a drum roll, but don't worry, there won't be. Number one, Lucinda, the number one lesson that you learned from reading the Old Testament. Number one thing I learned is do not, I repeat, do not read the Old Testament. There is no situation in which the alternatives are worse. I learned is do not, I repeat, do not read the Old Testament. There is no situation in which the alternatives are worse. Absolutely. I'd rather watch TLC.

Leave it alone. I try to jerk off to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and have better time than reading the Old Testament. I mean that. Never tried that one. See, I tried jerking off to Richard Gere in that one. That's not hard. It's easier. It's easier. It's easier to do than Julia Roberts.

Just picture those teeth. I'd rather not, actually. But I'd rather do that than read the Old Testament, so to listen to this point. I'm going to go with what I feel like is the overriding message of this book so far. If there was one bullet point that you're supposed to come away with, it is that people that are different than you should die. All of them.

Pretty clear on that. If they had to boil it down to one sentence, I'm thinking that would have been the sentence. Or maybe Palestine? Palestine? There's no such thing as Palestine. You're talking about Palestine? Playoffs.

And Eli, your number one lesson. Mine is the perfect omniscient creator of the universe is a terrible poet, storyteller, and person. Right. All around, yeah. You did the analogy section of the SATs, so you got rid of it. Yeah, I mean, Dawkins absolutely said it best. There is no worse character in all of fiction than Old Testament God.

All right, now finally, one other quick little exercise here. If you guys had to reduce the essence of the Old Testament into the size of a tweet for the TLDR crowd, how would you do it? Lucinda, 140 characters or less. All right, God is a whiny bitch. There. Hit it with 118 characters to go. Nice. Well done. That nails it. Heath? I'm going to go with

Yahweh's the real one. All the good shit is ours. You guys can borrow the rest of the universe. Hashtag we got chosen. Suck it. Hashtag plagiarize the annals of the kings of judah nice nice well after that one i don't think that mine's necessary but i was going to go with at first there was nothing which somehow still includes god he said let there be light and

has been homicidally regretting it ever since uh i went with god creates the world how dare you be the way i created you? Here's how to kill a goat, some porn slash poetry, and the list of people I hate. Holy shit. To know that you could have just told me that and saved me 21 months of begats. Well, guys and gal, I cannot thank you enough for suffering through Earth's most overrated thing with me. It's over. It is.

That part is. That part is, anyway. Now, in three weeks, we're going to be getting our gospel on as we crack open the New Testament for the first time, and I want to say, like, as far as percentages go, the New Testament is about as much of the Bible as the post-Saron part of Lord of the Rings, so this should be a cakewalk compared to

the shit that we've done up till now. Worst Testament ever. You guys are just riding on the backs of evils from here on out. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We have to. Eli, thanks again for joining us, man.

Thanks for having me, guys. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that got much easier to fill now that people actually send us a lot of messages and shit. Our first email comes from Brandon. He's a 17-year-old atheist, and while he's been a non-believer for a couple of years now, his parents just found out he wasn't buying the Jesus bullshit. Brandon writes, quote,

Now I don't even want to be at home because they keep forcing their beliefs down my throat. What should I do? End quote. I'm saying threaten to also be gay unless they drop the 80s mission. Settle that real quick. That would do the trick. You might have to be prepared to manually service a dude in front of them, though, to make that threat stick. So be prepared.

And by the way, dude, I'll send you like a real email with some advice as well. And if you're actually gay already, it makes it even easier. I'll send you a real email with some advice as well. And if you're actually gay already, it makes it even easier. Finally, we have messages from several people named Charlie, all of whom wondered what we were doing to spite the prophet of Islam recently. Well, besides the Mohammed train scene cartoon I drew earlier, we also had some fun with him on Photoshop.

And we're hoping the whole world starts depicting this asshole until he continues to not matter. So in honor of spite, here's our top ten fun ways we depicted Muhammad using Photoshop earlier today. All right, number ten. I've got him, I've got one of the Charmin bears using his turban for an unclean purpose. I don't think they would like that. Number nine. I've got him as one of the dogs playing poker. Nice.

They don't like dogs, they don't like animals, double whammy. Yeah, exactly. Number eight. Beating off to that P that porn hub video we were talking about earlier number seven as marilyn monroe getting her skirt blown up by the subway great he's got nice scams too he's got nice scams you wouldn't expect it uh number six how about when sucking off that kid from pennsylvania that got punished for faux head fucking the Jesus statue? Just put Muhammad right in there. All right, number five.

I switched out barefoot Paul McCartney on the Abbey Road cover for Muhammad. Well, see, now, I was going to do the same thing, but you had already done that. So I used the same basic setup to show him evolving from Filthy Monkey Man. That was my number four. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Number three, I had him taking a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face because that was just number four. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Number three, I had him taking a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face because that's just a classic.

Oh, nice. Number two, I, very similar, had him taking a Chuck Norris load of man porridge to the face. Even better,

maybe, if possible. And number one, I did a two-framer on this one, actually. I got him planking the sign at the front entrance to Gitmo and then sitting

in Tom Brady losing pose as he blows a CIA. Oh, nice. Now, I just wanted to point out, by the way, that we didn't actually Photoshop any of this because we don't know how to do shit on Photoshop. So if anybody wants to take these suggestions, I promise I'll put them on Facebook. I'll put them on our website. And get them everywhere as possible. Exactly.

And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. Before we lay us down to sleep tonight, I wanted to let everybody know that there were a couple of things that we had planned for our 100th episode this week that just didn't seem appropriate considering the news that we started with. It just didn't seem like a good time to break out confetti over something as ultimately meaningless as adding another digit to our episode number. So, you know, we've still got a couple of 100-episode-type things that we're going to toss into next week's show, and we're sorry if you were hoping for a little more navel-gazing.

I'm not sure why you would be. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to get all the crumbs of scatheism you can find on our Twitter feed, our Facebook page, our YouTube channel, and our blog. Oh, and I'll be posting the song for this week's episode on YouTube as well. That, too, will be linked on the show notes as soon as it's available. Of course, I can't end the show without thanking Heath for a hundred episodes in a row of highbrow dick jokes and a hell of a lot more than that.

When I came to him with the concept of this show, I couldn't have known what kind of co-host gold I was striking, but after two years of him never missing an episode, never missing a segment, never missing a record, and consistently being, in my opinion, the funniest motherfucker in all of podcasting, I'm well aware that there is no way

that this show could have ever been anything close to what it is without him. For that, I can never thank him enough. I also need to thank the wonderful and talented Lucinda Lusions, who has supported this thing since long before it existed, and in fact, it never would have existed at all had it not been for a few swift kicks in the ass from her. And since episode one, she's been willing to step in and do whatever we've needed of her, up to and including reading the goddamn Bible, which is more than anyone should ever ask of anyone. Obviously, I need to thank Eli one more time, not just for helping us out tonight, but for being an integral part of the Scathing Atheist team since the very early episodes. We're damn lucky to have him, and his willingness to do whatever we've asked from him

is aptly demonstrated by the fact that there's no worse thing that you can ask a person to do than watch Kirk Cameron saving Christmas other than reading the Bible. And he did both of those things. But most of all, of course, I want to thank our listeners. I know normally that this is where I thank all the Bible, and he did both of those things. But most of all, of course, I want to thank our listeners. I know normally that this is where I thank all the donors, and I promise to give this week's donors some extra special genital praise next week, but for our 100th episode, I wanted to thank everybody that's made it worth our while to do this thing, everyone who listens, everyone who shares, everyone who rates the show,

everyone who supports us financially, everyone who would have supported us financially if they could have, and everyone who has inspired us to keep doing this for the last two years, and all the ones that we get after this. In two years and 100 episodes, we've never missed one. Every episode has come out on time. They've always been as long as we promised they would be. And I'd like to say this is because we're so dedicated and hardworking, but the truth is I've never been remotely this punctual about anything in my life. It's just that our listeners deserve that. Our deadlines are never burdens, and what we offer to our audience has been repaid so many times over that getting you the show

on time every week seems like the very least we can do. Thank you for giving us so much and never asking for anything in return except an hour worth of dick jokes now and again. You've made the last two years two of the happiest of my life. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. The Amazon and iTunes what? Now recommends shitty Christian movies to me. Oh, nice! Good. We saw you watch the Lego movie

and a bunch of Christian crap. Are you a crazy person? Watch this. People who watched these movies also watched, you know, their grandmother masturbate when they were a child.