The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 104: Yeti to be Determined Edition

Episode Date: February 12, 2015

In this week's episode we'll reference a Joe Barton bit in the intro that we ended up cutting in post, hentai porn will be a strangely pivotal role in a child molestation case down under, and we'll learn that if you're a kid, you don't even have to talk trash about the pope's mom for him to smack you.

Warning, the following podcast contains people saying the F-word and other offensive shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new MTV reality show about Scientology, Elrond's House. Tune in now because we've been embroiled in a frivolous legal battle since the first day somebody suggested it during a meeting. Whose house? Exactly, we've already been cancelled. And now, The Scathing Atheist. a meeting. Whose house? Exactly. We've already been cancelled. And now, the skating atheist. This is Katie McKenzie, who you have no reason to give a fuck about, reminding you that we

did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday, bitches! And it's February 12th. And there really shouldn't be anything on which exactly 80% of dentists agree. That doesn't really matter. Yeah, yeah, it should be way less or a lot more. Um, no illusions? Um, he's been right.

And from west of Eden, Val, Dasta, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist. In this week's episode, Texas Congressman Joe Barton will make a deal with the devil. Hentai porn plays a strangely pivotal role in an Australian child sex abuse trial. And we'll learn that if you're a kid, you don't even have to talk shit about the Pope's mom for him to smack you. But first, the diribe. I want you to think about a time that you changed your mind. And I'm not talking about deciding to go with the Pepsi instead of the Coke here. I'm talking about changing your mind on a passionately held belief.

Something that at one point in your life you vehemently argued in favor of that today you would vehemently argue against. Now for a lot of you that's going to be religion, but it might be a political issue, it might be a conspiracy theory, it might be just some silly urban legend that you were just certain was true. I want you to think about this issue and consider what caused you to change your mind. Now, your instinct is probably to say, the cold light of reason, right? You just re-examined your belief, and with an open mind, you realized that you were wrong. But I want you to go a little further back than that, because I'm interested in what caused you to re-examine your beliefs. I can think of at least three such times myself. I was once embarrassingly vociferous about the fact that the government was behind 9-11. Yes, I'm sorry. I once believed that tarot cards had mystical powers.

I know, I know, I've talked about that one before. And having been raised by two conservative parents in the reddest part of one of the reddest states, I once believed unquestioningly that abortion was baby murder. Now, that's not an exhaustive list, of course. If I go far enough back, I might also add that I was certain I was one day going to be a rock star or that Optimus Prime could beat up Voltron. But for the moment, we're just going to stick with those first three. Now, in all three of those instances, I was eventually prompted to reconsider my position,

and in all three cases, I ultimately changed my view. And in not one of those cases was the impetus for the change a rational conversation. No, in every single instance I can recall where I radically shifted my position on a subject, it was because of the exact opposite. It was because people said my positions were stupid. It was because people insulted them, ridiculed them, refused to take them seriously. When I saw so many smart people dismissing my opinion, I had to question them. Now, I bring this up because there's a popular appeal to the psychological literature in the atheist movement that says people don't change their mind when you're mean to them. They change their mind when you're rational and reasonable. To justify this,

they'll point to the psych research that says that when you insult people's beliefs, they calcify. You know, they find a way to dismiss you personally. They reject what you're saying. They don't retain as much. They put on their blinders and ignore every counterpoint that you offer. Hell, I've had at least two guests on this show make that exact point, and they're damn convincing. After all, we're all rationalists here, right? We're all scientifically minded, and the science is on their side, right? I can't reject a scientific consensus just because my anecdotal experience contradicts it, right? The problem, with all due respect to those who espouse that belief, is that they're wrong.

That's not what the psychological research says. Well, it is what the psychological research says, but there's other research that renders that almost irrelevant. Because sure, calmly explaining your opinion is more effective than telling someone their opinion is stupid, but neither of those things is particularly effective. Now let's go back to the beginning, that opinion of yours that you changed, the one I asked you to think of earlier.

I'm going to make a guess here. I'm going to guess that the thing that that opinion of yours that you changed, the one I asked you to think of earlier, I'm going to make a guess here. I'm going to guess that the thing that you thought of that you used to argue for and now you argue against, that opinion shifted when you changed the group of people you were hanging around. Statistically speaking, I'm probably right. The majority of those major shifts of opinion that a person makes aren't because this guy argued calmly with him or that guy told him that they were stupid. It's because of social pressure. It's not that Bob thought that tarot cards were stupid. It's that everybody thought they were stupid. I changed my opinion on abortion, for example, when I started hanging out with a bunch of hippies that thought me some curious and archaic bigot. Nobody ever made the pro-abortion rights case to me calmly and with

respect to my beliefs. They made me a pariah until I updated my opinion or shut the fuck up about it. And yes, I bowed to the social pressure. I re-examined my beliefs with an open mind and I changed my view. Of course, now those same hippies love the 9-11 conspiracies and the tarot crap bullshit opinions I continue to hold until I started hanging out with a bunch of skeptics. And sure, there are plenty of opinions that I've had challenged by my social circle that I haven't changed. But even in those instances, I've been forced to at least reconsider them. I just eventually came to realize that I agreed with myself. You know, those same hippies that pressured me out of my South Georgia view on abortion also ridiculed my belief that there wasn't an afterlife and that we didn't have auras. And I gave those views another day in court. They just lost the appeal this time.

So yes, one-on-one, it's probably best to have a very respectful, measured approach. But as a group, we should not shy away from saying that religion is stupid and not worth our time. That is not counterproductive. We shouldn't hesitate to treat it with the most flippant disrespect. And despite what a lot of atheists espouse, the science is on my side here. As often as we talk about people's mistrust of science, it's still the most trusted institution in the country. Our group is the one that keeps making smartphones and launching satellites and taking ever less disappointing pictures of Pluto. Look, I'm not saying that the nice atheists have to stop being nice. You can't exactly change mom's social circle. So in a lot of instances, especially these one-on-one conversations, that's the best approach. But when they say that the psychological

evidence is on their side, they're simply wrong when we're talking about groups. According to the science, we would move more people faster if we just wrote their beliefs off as too silly to seriously consider and treated religion the same way that we treat racism or homophobia or cigarettes. And it's important to keep in mind that this is an advantage that only our side has. You know, the social pressure only gets you to re-examine your beliefs, to get to the part where people actually change their minds. You have to also be right. And we

are. Every single measurable fact, every discovery in the history of science, every known datum is on our side. We should really be taking full advantage of that, shouldn't we? They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight is Brian Williams' stunt double, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to pretend you too got shot down over a rock? It's so easy. It's a depressing job, though. I'm like the main tag repairman

of stuntmen. Right? Pretty boring. In our lead story tonight, secret Illuminati Kenyan Muslim Barack Obama pissed off a bunch of Christians last week by reminding them that they also kill people.

At the annual domestic embarrassment known as the National Prayer Breakfast, Obama cautioned against using religion as an excuse for violence. And Christians were offended because religion is the best excuse for violence? Possibly. We're not sure, but they're offended. They're definitely offended. Yeah, they're pretty much constantly offended. He was clear to point out that it's not just the brown people religions that kill people in the name of God. He specifically mentioned the Inquisitions and the Crusades as historical examples of Christian terrorism, though he did stop short of pointing to abortion clinic bombings and executions that prove it isn't some vestigial part of Christian yesteryear or something.

And I guess conservative columnist parker was at the event screaming no at the stage at some point because she's since gone on record calling obama's speech quote verbal rape yes holy shit and while that's probably the most hyperbolic reaction it wasn't the only hyperbolic reaction among the blabbering christ Christians ignited to an indignant fury by these statements was professional conniption fit Bill Donahue, who came to the defense of the Crusades by calling them a justifiable effort to, quote, recover by war what has been lost to war, end quote. So, yes, for those of you keeping score at home, Bill Donahue countered Obama's claim that Christianity can also be used to justify violence by using Christianity to justify violence.

Bravo, sir. Your cognitive dissonance trophy is waiting for you at will call. Even if they tell you it isn't. Especially if they tell you it isn't. Because you'll eventually get it. And in same thing we do every night, Pinky News, Fox and Friends has a regular segment called The Fight for Faith, which allows America to stay abreast of all the Christians getting persecuted here. During last week's segment, host Tucker Carlson spoke with Catholic Reverend Jonathan Morris, a Fox regular and Christian dominionist, which means he believes Christian laws should rule the world. And they both seemed to agree that lots of Christian phobia was coming from a group we have in this country called intelligent people.

What does it say about your viewership when one of your network's go-to enemies is intelligent people? Think about that, Fox viewers, or have a grown-up think about it for you. Now, Carlson is a graduate of Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut, which is a safety school for lots of intelligent people, and it seems he was able to meet several of them during his time there. Lucky bastard. He claims he's been hanging around lots of smart, educated people ever since, He claims he's been hanging around lots of smart, educated people ever since, many of whom seem to think Christian dominionism was a bad idea in the Middle Ages and continues to be a bad idea today.

So that's, I guess, a problem for him and his guests. Carlson, however, refused to let all this edumacatedness rub off on him too much. He laments, quote, it's appalling and it's super common among educated people the people i live around they all kind of have contempt for christianity end quote all of them really i bet his neighbors just all think he's an asshole well so when like he walks by they yell asshole and he mutters damned anti-christian sentiment they all have some problem with my religion so hearing carlson's remarks reverend morris took it even further and suggested there are three major sources of anti-theocratic thinking. Oh, hold on. Let me get my pen here.

Yeah. Okay. Write this down. According to him, it's not just academia. It's also Hollywood and the media. Oh, really? Said the guy on the TV show with about a million viewers. So he and Carlson went on to bitch and moan

about this for a while, but I did agree with one remark the Reverend made about how phobia is probably the wrong suffix. Quote, among some of the most educated, there is this, you know, it's not phobia. I don't think they call it Christian phobia. I think it's more, it's disdain, an almost embarrassment, end quote.

Are you sure it's only almost? Are you sure? No, he's got it. It's very well put. I'd say so. We're certainly not afraid for irrational reasons. And he's right. It's part disdainful, rational fear, but it's also kind of a we're really embarrassed for you guys type of thing.

That's certainly part of it. Yeah, like when people try to apply religion to a phobia, I want to point out that an irrational fear of religion is religion. Right? If you're afraid to go into hell, that's Christian phobia. If you're afraid Allah's pissed about those bagel bits, that's Islamophobia. That's irrational. More reasonable way to use that term. Now, here's the craziest part of this whole thing to me.

These guys seem to think their opponents are some other sort of dominionist. And this is such an important distinction. Secular government is not atheist dominionism. Obviously. It's a rule against all dominionisms. Nobody is allowed to get dominioned by anybody else. Exactly. And if Christians are actually worried they might get persecuted in this country, which is absolute lunacy.

But if that really worries them, secular government protects you against that. It protects everyone against that. It prevents Obama from becoming Grand Mufti. That's a good thing, right? You guys against that. It prevents Obama from becoming Grand Mufti. That's a good thing, right? You guys want that. So you can hate atheists all you want, but aren't you people at least slightly more afraid of Islam? They have a version of dominionism, too. It's called Islam.

Right, yeah, exactly. And having virgin and Indian, your state name sends mixed messages news tonight. Having virgin and inya in your state name sends mixed messages news tonight. Either Virginia Pastor George Hundley was robbed and shot by a diabolically clever black man that later snuck his valuables back into his car after wiping away all microscopic traces of the post-bullet wound man's blood, or Virginia Pastor George Hundley is a fucking liar. No, this story is terrible. I can't believe a pastor would lie like this. What was the thing with the black guy one more time? All right, so the story begins when Hunley, a big, crazy-looking guy who once burned down his house with a turkey— Should have called the Turkey Safety Hotline, buddy.

Right, right. Just one of the many dangers of not calling the Turkey Safety Hotline that isn't 785-273-0325. Anyway, so the turkey burner contacts the police, claiming he was attacked after he pulled over to help a stranded motorist. And while the local television networks are lauding him as a good Samaritan, the police were wondering why the wallet he says was stolen was still in his car but kind of half-assedly hidden and how he managed to not bleed on his way home. I also thought this was interesting. He decided to invent a black assailant. How creative. But the made-up accomplices were a white woman and a biracial kid.

Maybe this way he can't get charged with a hate crime. Yeah, he's just covering all his faces. And there was a Mexican there, too. And for the last time, George Wallace was the bad guy. News tonight. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore continued the proud state tradition of carrying out feeble last-ditch efforts

to prevent federal enforcement of equal rights legislation when he ordered state probate judges to withhold marriage licenses from same-sex couples to stop all this stuff that's happening. How very Alabama of him. Absolutely. This was clearly all part of Moore's bigoted Christian response to the U.S. Supreme Court decision on Monday that effectively made Alabama the 37th state to legalize gay marriage over Moore's dead body.

Apparently. Plenty of gay weddings are already happening anyway, but now it's kind of a pain in the ass if you live in a county with a bigoted probate judge. You've got to go to the next county. Great work putting a tiny delay on the inevitable tide of progressive social change that's happening over your dead body. Roll tide. Roy Moore. Progressive social change.

It's like they saw Selma and figured Ava DuVernay needed a sequel. This one could be with queers instead of niggers. And for the last time, MLK was the good guy. You don't seem to get that. one could be with queers instead of niggers. And for the last time, MLK was the good guy. Yes. So. You don't seem to get that. I guess responding to nobody who must have asked him why he thinks gay marriage is a slippery slope, Moore had this to say about his reasoning. Did he blame the Santorum? He didn't say anything about that.

Oh, okay. He says, quote, do they stop with one man and one man or one woman and one woman? Yeah, probably. Or do they go to multiple marriages? Or do they go to marriages between men and their daughters or women and their sons? Does that have to do with it? It sounds like you got a little confused there at the end. Just to put that all together, Roy Moore thinks that if we let gay people start getting married, they're going to turn back un-gay,

and then they're going to try to marry their opposite-sex parent. And that's why he's trying to ban those original gay marriages, I guess, as a way to cut off this process at the root, you know, before it really gets some Greek tragedy shit going on. Exactly. Stop the gay marriages, and then we'll never have any trouble. But you know you've got some crazy shit happening judicially in your state when the state attorney general is sending letters to probate judges

telling them to talk to their lawyers about the federal fucking... Not a good sign. Do you have a good con lawyer? Con lawyer? Constitutional lawyer? And in You Should have seen the minor Prophet that got away news tonight Fox News guest and woefully stupid person Tom Dixon took to the airwaves this week

To assure us that there is plenty of evidence That Jonah was really swallowed by a big fish Wherein he lived for several days Right yeah there's Hundreds of millions of copies of the bible Laying around all over the place Mountains of evidence Observational evidence no less During a different installment of the Bible laying around all over the place. Mountains of evidence of people who held together. Observational evidence, no less.

During a different installment of the aforementioned Keeping the Faith segment on Fox & Friends, vacuous moron Ainsley Earnhardt lamented the fact that the number of Americans who don't think the Bible is true has nearly doubled in the last four years. Her guest, a self-described public advocate for the Christian faith, assured her that it's not that the Bible is ridiculous horseshit, it's that atheists refuse to look at the evidence.

Oh, that makes more sense. While definitely ignoring the fact that the percent of people who don't believe the Bible is true is an order of magnitude larger than the percent of people who are atheists, he went on to explain that when it comes to things like Jonah and the whale and Noah's Ark, there's, quote, way more evidence than our average atheist friend would ever imagine, end quote. Well, the average atheist probably thinks there's zero evidence for that. I'm going with zero.

So even a tiny bit would be larger by a factor of infinity, but he's got all this built up, so I'm thinking he's about to say that, I don't know, they found like a new species of bed and breakfast whale, and again, Ham's already building a failed replica, but instead it was nothing. They found nothing, he said nothing. They found nothing. He said nothing. You want evidence? Hell, I can get you evidence by 3 o'clock. With nail polish.

And in touching story down under news tonight, there's a rule in Australia that says you're not allowed to molest children. Even Jewish children. Even if you're also Jewish. And you're not allowed to help cover it up either. Australians are so repressed. But based on testimony by several Australian rabbis for the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sex Abuse, it seems as if nobody told these guys about those rules.

And to me, the fact that they needed to be told about those, I'd say that's almost as much of a problem as the molesting itself. Yeah. So think what we're supposed to not fuck the kids. Now, who fucks the kids? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My Australian accent is awful.

I wasn't even close. I want to go down there and hear a Jewish Australian guy now. So the commission is investigating examples of high-ranking clergy obstructing justice by attempting to handle sexual abuse allegations internally within their community without informing law enforcement as clearly legally required. And I would have thought as morally required. For example, Rabbi Pinchas Feldman of Yeshiva Center recently admitted that he knew of a suspected pedophile that was about to flee the country and completely failed to report it. Well, you know that there are way too many pedophiles in the community when you start naming kids Pinchas.

He's a bunch of kids yelling for him and all the pedophiles show up all excited and bonery thinking they've just been Islam martyred or something. Yeah, Pinchas should switch to Mr. F or something. So his son Yosef, also a yeshiva center rabbi, also appeared before the commission and made the same admission about the now fugitive guy. But he was sure to make it clear that molesting is frowned upon in Judaism, too, first, before explaining himself by claiming that he wasn't thinking in terms of laws and crimes and such at that point. He hadn't considered that angle yet. The criminal angle of molesting kids didn't occur to him right away. So here's Feldman's exact response to this.

Quote, it could potentially be something that was highly inappropriate. I did not know what a crime was. In Japan, I heard they allow child pornography. What? I have no idea where you're going with that. But let me start by clarifying, they do not. Japan does not allow child pornography. No one allows that anywhere.

But still, it might be the most creative molestation abetting excuse I've ever heard. If there's points for that. And when your job includes following the religious news cycle, you hear quite a bit of them. But I did not know what a crime was. I was unaware that there are things you can and can't do. That's your excuse. It's not even internally consistent because if you incorrectly believed that they allow child porn in Japan, you definitely know that some things are allowed and others aren't.

There's rules in your world. You can't now say like, what is this creme of which you speak? No. Exactly. So just to recap, Orthodox Jewish people, I'm sure you're all listening. It's not that we can't let you handle crime internally because you're incompetent at enforcing the law very clearly that certainly doesn't help but that's not the only reason it's also because you don't even seem

to have like good morals to begin with to enforce on clearly not even though that's like the whole point of your stupid thing so a whole billion page book and they never bother to mention you should keep your tongue out of kids assholes what. What have we been saying about ass-to-mouth this whole time? Right, exactly. And with that, we'll toss this salad over to the lovely Lucinda Lusions. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate rage.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogynist. Boy, some weeks these assholes just make it easy for me. We'll start in West Virginia, where Republican state lawmaker David Gutman took to the lectern to support a statewide 20-week abortion ban, where he started off by admitting that, sure, rape is awful, but, quote, what is beautiful is the child that can come from this, end quote.

quote, what is beautiful is the child that can come from this, end quote. Needless to say, his description of government-mandated rape baby as a consolation prize rubs some people the wrong way. But the good news is that it shines a spotlight on this bill. It passed the West Virginia legislature last year, but it was vetoed by the state's governor. Assuming this meant that it wasn't restrictive enough, state Republicans removed all the exceptions for rape and incest and tried again. But say what you will about court-ordered inbred rape spawn, at least it's ideologically consistent. Utah State Representative Brian Greene can't hide behind that excuse and is thus desperately apologizing for the suggestion that raping one's unconscious spouse is somehow

a legally sanctioned activity. In a statement remarkable for its oblivious candor, Green parsed the gray area between consent and not actively fighting back during a debate over expanding the state's definition of rape. Quote, if an individual has sex with their wife while she's unconscious, a prosecutor could then charge that spouse with rape, theoretically. End quote. And just to prove that he wasn't just pointing out a really obvious thing for rhetorical purposes, he then added, that makes sense in a first date scenario, but to me, not where people have a history of years of sexual activity, end quote.

So yes, Mr. State Lawmaker who doesn't know how rape works, let me explain this to you. If you fuck your unconscious wife in such a way that she later files rape charges against you, that's because you raped her, you dick. I just hope your wife's putting a car alarm on her pajamas now. But sometimes you don't need to endorse rape to be a raging asshole about it. Sometimes it's just about who you blame. Take Missouri gubernatorial hopeful Catherine Hannaway, who suggests that perhaps the real reason we have rapists is because feminism.

hanaway who suggests that perhaps the real reason we have rapist is because feminism after explaining the real war on women is the one that encourages women to make their own choices about sex and reproduction she went on to blame the poverty of single mothers on the culture of permissiveness exemplified by condoms and abortions that's right people condoms and abortions are causing single mothers but as if that wasn't enough she went on to explain how rape, particularly child rape, is caused by gay rights. Because if we keep letting the gays fuck each other, what's to stop everyone from fucking everything? Or something like that. Who knows how her head works? So yes, it's been a week so crammed with misogyny that I actually had to leave out the story about the woman who got fired for breastfeeding, then had her EEOC case thrown out of court because technically men can also lactate, so it wasn't sexist.

Yep, that happened, and I can prove it. And if these damned Republicans would shut up about how awesome rape babies are for seven days, maybe I'll get a chance to talk about it next week. But until then, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And from the parenting advice from a 78-year-old virgin file tonight,

Pope Big Man on Francis is in hot water after describing the physical abuse of one's offspring as beautiful and just. And no, this was not in a sentence that ended with compared to the shit

that we do to them. Beautiful and just. Much like Exhibit A at the Adrian Peterson hearing. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's what he's talking about. During a weekly address, the pontiff regaled his audience with a story about a time when he was discussing physically abusing children with some married couples. One father admitted that he smacked his children on occasion, but never on the face. One father admitted that he smacked his children on occasion, but never on the face, to which Pope Frankie Spanky said, quote, how beautiful.

He knows a sense of dignity. He has to punish them, but does it justly and moves on, end quote. Oh, good. The pope prefers that parents work the body when boxing their children. Exactly. You mentioned a switch to Southpaw once in a while. It throws off their defense. That's a good one.

Strangely enough, he didn't. Now, Germany, one of the few countries in the world that actually gets corporal punishment correct by unequivocally banning the physical abuse of children, seems obvious to me, vociferously rejected the Pope's assertion. German Minister for the Family, Manuela Schwesig, reminded him that, quote, there is no way of hitting children with dignity, end quote. So, yes, apparently just not fucking them isn't enough. Protect these kids from me. You're in charge now.

Exactly. And in private eyes wide shut news tonight, a recent episode of The Faith Middleton Show on Connecticut Public Radio included an interview with a guy named Kelly Snyder, who is founder and CEO of a charity organization called Find Me. So far, it doesn't sound bad. Yeah, the group claims to help families of missing persons

find their loved ones using their international network of 158 professional psychics. And now it does. Yeah, there it was. So, according to their website, quote, Find Me is a 501c3 nonprofit organization of talented psychics, law enforcement officers, and professional search and rescue volunteers from all over the world. They have talented psychics.

Yeah, no. No bullshit. What are they, spin plates? They teach bears to play basketball? You might as well have just said it was a group of law enforcement officers, search and rescue volunteers, and lovable woodland creatures in sweaters, each of whom controls one of the elements with a magic fucking amulet. It would have been no less ridiculous. So, despite being a two-time Peabody Award winning broadcast journalist.

She should have to give those back, by the way. Right. So, show host Faith Middleton, who has to give those back now, presented the magical detective agency as perfectly valid, despite, well, obviously, their entire concept being ridiculous and thoroughly discredited all over the place, and possibly stolen from Douglas Adams fiction. At one point, without a hint of skepticism, she asks Snyder to explain how they use one of their experts, named Dave, who claims to be a forensic astrologer.

Wait, a fucking what? That's a forensic astrologer. You would say? Yes. Forensic astrologer, you heard that correctly. And here's the response, quote, Dave is not only a forensic astrologer. Oh, no. He's also a medium and a clairvoyant.

Oh, okay. Yeah, the forensic astrology portion of it is a unique system. It's difficult to try to explain it. I bet it is. Dave is incredibly accurate. Oh, is he? So he explains it as accurate. Yeah.

That's how he does it. Dirk gently would blush at forensic astrologer. What do you do? I'm a hedge fund Ouija boarder is what I do. The dude might as well call himself a nuclear number-tition. I would have exactly as much respect for that profession. That was Denise Richards' job in that Bond movie. So here's an example of their methodology.

Here's how they use clairvoyant forensic astrologer media. When they get a request to find someone, they send out a message to all the psychics. Why would psychics need a message? Exactly, right. Already. Already suspect. so they send out emails or owls or whatever and if enough of the psychics magically guess the same place then they check that place for the missing person so for example when they send out a bulletin about a

missing person with a medical condition that makes them dizzy and disoriented. Who lives next to a tree-lined section of the Delaware River. Surprise, surprise. 11 of those 158 crystal balls were showing a corpse stuck on a tree branch in a river somewhere. Maybe the Delaware. And it turned out to be true. And this was billed by Find Me as a giant success. Even though 147 of those psychics are clearly awful at their job

because the guy obviously fell into a river. The fucking cops were already looking in the river. The hedge funds in the town said the man probably had fallen in the river. And oh, by the way, the body was found by a fisherman that just happened to be on that river who didn't know anything about any fucking psychics.

And that's the big success that they turned to. Holy shit. And finally tonight, from the Gash Test Dummies file, Saudi historian Salah al-Sadoun was interviewed last month on a national news program, and he explained the reasoning behind the female driving ban there. And this is how he frames the issue. Quote, women used to ride camels, so one might ask, what prevents them from driving cars? And quote, yeah, great question there, Salah.

That's exactly why most of the world finds it ridiculous to ban females from driving. It's the camel inconsistency. That's the problem. So we already know this guy's a complete insane person. That's good to pin down early. And the insane person's explanation goes something like this. If a woman's car breaks down, she's likely to be raped by roadside marauders, and that's going to be a problem for her husband.

Marauders, and that's going to be a problem for her husband. I've always felt like roadside marauders is one of those supply-side type issues. You don't tackle that from the demand end. But if you absolutely can't get rid of your roving gangs of rapists problem and you're a misogynistic asshole, wouldn't you want women broken down on the side? I mean, if there's one thing I learned from reading the Bible, when the rape gang shows up, somebody's getting fucked. Possibly to death. Possibly an angel.

So the female news host is already holding back a really weird combo of laughter and rage, I'm guessing, probably wondering how walking would be any better if there's a bunch of rapists lining the roads. And also wondering why don't they just go arrest all the rapists if that's a bunch of rapists lining the roads and also wondering why don't they just go arrest all the rapists if that's where they stand but she stifles these thoughts for a moment and instead calmly points out that women are driving all over the place including the arab world despite this alleged marauder risk to which this guy responds, they don't care if they are raped on the roadside, but we do. Oh, really? He cares. Yeah, I see.

And since rape victiming carries stiff penalties beyond just being raped, I guess he thinks it would be unfair to put women in that situation. You know what situation is unfair to put women in? Saudi fucking Arabia. situation you know what situation is unfair to put women in saudi fucking arabia seriously think about there are women in yemen right now looking over the border and thinking glad i don't live in that place that's they're so repressive i'm in yemen yeah right that's not a good time so the interview gets even crazier and it leads to by far my favorite exchange, which occurs when Al-Sadun explains how this whole rule is actually a great deal for women because male family members and chauffeurs drive them around all over the place as if they're queens. What a lucky gal. At which point the host asks, well, if you're so worried about the roadside soldier rapists, aren't you also afraid of all the chauffeur rapists? And it turns out he is worried about that.

And he's got a plan for this. No surprise. Quote, the solution is to bring female foreign chauffeurs to drive our wives. Oh, I see. And I guess they'd be safe because Saudi roadside rapists know better than to fuck a foreigner. They just don't give a fuck. What does it say about a group of people when all their laws and their customs and their family practice, like their entire culture revolves around this certainty that given the slightest whiff of an opportunity, everyone's going to rape everyone.

What does it say about the guys making these laws, enforcing these customs? It does seem, though, as if we've stumbled once again upon a strange niche of consumer product whose demand is not being met. So we'll need 30 seconds on the clock just for the Muslim women. Ideas for the rape-proof car so that they can drive. Oh, right on. All right, all right. How about the Buick look cross-legged? The pedals would be inverted to encourage chastity.

How about Nissan Concentra? Chastity belts save wives. Nice. Or maybe you could just sell attachments that you could put on any car, like a marauder defrauder that ejects inflatable fuck dolls in case of an emergency. It would be like flares for heat-sensitive missiles and whatnot. How about the Ram Dodge? Best cock block?

No be there. Nice. Mr. Miyagi taught us that. Karate Kid 2. How about the Acura Virginia TL? And they could have a castrate six engine just in case. They tried the in Acura that always made the rapist hit the wrong orifice, but that didn't do well in the test market. Turns out that's pretty bad.

Nobody likes that. About Chevy Nova means Nova. So that's a no-go. And yellow doesn't mean speed up. Red definitely means stop. Maybe the Burr Cadillac? Because if you just leave the car cover on, nobody will know it's a woman. About the Land Rover SVU SUV, equipped with rear anti-cock braking system to cover your Aston Martin. Oh, nice, nice, nice.

I guess if you went to the Foster Freeze School of Gynecology, it would be the Aspirin Martin. Suppository. What about the Princess Toadster? Comes fully loaded with tinted windshield, a tiny slit for viewing the road, and three red shells that constantly encircle the vehicle. Oh, nice. Of all the ones we've mentioned, that's the first one I actually want to own.

The blue spiky one is the one to have. How about a Kia Sedonta? Because nobody gets fucked in a Kia. About one last one. Arabian Knight Rider. They call me voice activated rape kit. Oh, nice. Rape kit

would have fucked up some marauders or jumped over them one way or the other. Either way, it's an awesome visual to close the headlines on. He thanks, as always. David Hasselhoff. And when we come back, you'll wonder what kind of podcasters just leave in the middle of their own fucking show. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes that we set aside to get you caught up with all the great

atheist, secular, and skeptical conferences going on around the country and around the world. March is a rather busy month for secular conventions, unless you compare it to April, so our whirlwind three-continent tour will start in the strange land of Texas. The Texas Secular Convention in Austin runs from February 27th to March 1st. Friend of the show David Smalley will be emceeing an all-star lineup, including Annie Laurie Gaylor, Jamila Bay, Ron Lindsay, and more. Next, we move to Australia, where the Unholy Trinity Tour is going to be popping up here and there throughout the month of March. Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, and Aran Ra will be in Sydney on March 13th, Brisbane on the 18th, and Melbourne on the 21st. There's plenty going on on the weekend of March 14th.

We're going to start in Little Rock, Arkansas, where Reason in the Rock is welcoming Hemet Mehta, Bible Geek Robert M. Price, Jerry DeWitt, among others. This is a one-day event on the 14th. Same weekend in Madison, Wisconsin, we've got the Free Thought Festival featuring three comedians, two panels, and at least one Susan Jacoby, who might just be the most awesome person that there is. Again, same weekend, but this time in Columbia, Missouri, we've got SashaCon. That's skeptics, atheists, secular humanists, and agnostics. That one features J.T. Eberhardt, Vicki Garrison, and more. And finally, we'll hop across the pond for the AHS convention in London, England, March 27th through the 29th.

Susan Blackmore heads an all-star lineup, or at least a lineup of names that I assume I'd recognize if I was British. That's all we've got for you this time around, but remember, if you're involved with an atheist event, large or small, that could use some free publicity, let me know. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Yahweh. Bernie. I have to say, I was a little surprised by your memo. Before we get started, let me make sure that I got this right. You want to retroactively forgive all the humans, eliminate the blood sacrifice, and redeem original sin?

That's right. That's going to be tricky. I don't know to say it. Because, you know, you made all these decrees in the past saying pretty much the exact opposite of all that stuff. And you're always right. Bernie, if I didn't want

phenomenal legal representation, I wouldn't have chosen the Jews. I don't want to hear about the problems. I want to hear about the solutions. Okay, okay. Well, I've been working on this all weekend. All weekend? No, no, not on the Sabbath. I mean everything except about the problems. I want to hear about the solutions. Okay, okay. Well, I've been working on this all weekend. All weekend? No, no, not on the Sabbath. I mean everything except for the Sabbath. Okay, so I did come up with one idea, but I don't think you're going to like it.

Lay it on me. Okay, so this is weird, but hear me out. What if you took human form and then sacrificed yourself to yourself? What? I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but I found a loophole in the whole original sin decree. If you made all the animals, then sacrificing you once would count as sacrificing all the animals ever made before or after. So that would technically satiate your bloodlust for at least all of human history and then some.

Okay, but what about the redemption of humankind and all that shit we talked about? Right, well, before you sacrifice yourself to yourself, you can take all the human sin as your own sin, and then basically it would work just like the dead animals, leaves you with enough redeemed sin for at least another 2,000, 3,000 years.

Well, what am I going to do after that? I don't know, destroy the earth with an army of helmeted locusts and a sea dragon, maybe? I like that. I knew that you would. I knew that you would. So, walking through this, how's this going to work? Okay, so, first you have to make a human that's actually you.

Could I spirit rape a virgin to make that happen? You can make humans out of dirt and ribs and stuff. So, you're saying I could spirit rape a virgin, right? Well, I suppose. Let's go with that. We're going to go with that. Okay, so you spirit rape a virgin

and then you're born like a normal human except to a virgin, I guess. And then... I want magical healing powers as well. Okay, but the whole point is that you're supposed to be a human. Magical healing powers. Okay, I will work something out. So supposed to be a human. Magical healing powers. Okay, I will work something out.

So you'll be a normal human with magical healing powers. And the ability to walk on water. Okay, okay, fine. And a sonic screwdriver. I'm drawing the line at a sonic screwdriver, God, I'm sorry. Fine. All right, so anyway, you're a spirit-braver virgin, you're born as a magical healing water-walking human, and then you give it, I don't know, 33 years or so, and then you sacrifice yourself.

And how's that going to go exactly? Okay, yeah, this is the tough part. You have to be crucified. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do not want to be crucified. Why would you even consider that? Look, I looked for something like a drinking hemlock type option, but it looks like nails to the wrist, crown of thorns whipped up. We're really going to have

to sell this thing. Why? It's technical. It's definitely not because you're an asshole and I secretly want you to suffer. That's definitely not it. It's all technical lawyer stuff. Are you sure? I'm not even still pissed about the diaspora. High places. I get it. We totally deserve that shit.

You sure? I'm absolutely positive. So when do we start? Well, I'll have to draw up some paperwork and stuff. I'm thinking December 25th of zero at the earliest. The date. All right. Somewhere in a dark wood in rural America, a large hairy hominid roams among the shadows, lurching with an almost human gait.

Some say he's attracted to the full moon. Others that he's drawn towards menstruating women. Others still that he's a missing limb on the tree of human ancestry. And of course I'm talking about Heath Enright, who's here to talk about Bigfoot in another installment of How Bullshit Is It? Really? Really? I'm like the Bigfoot

guy? Seriously? You overdo the deep voice echo thing, by the way, this week in misogyny. How bullshit is it? Fuck is? is babble babble oh you're saying the name of the segment your pitch modified later at the echo and post nobody's impressed i said other people say that stuff about yeah not me whatever it's not personal you're definitely overdoing the echoey thing okay i'll work on that so uh so he tell us what is Bigfoot? A fictional large hairy ape man that wandered... You know what? That intro, it was just...

It was hurtful. It was intentionally hurtful. Menstruating women? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And plus it was telegraphed. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If you're going to call me a subhuman, lurching, menstrual blood fetished, missing link type of... You at least nailed the joke without telegraphing it. You're right. I'm wrong. I apologize. It was a mean thing to say, and I totally take it back. Just ask me the Bigfoot questions or whatever.

So what is a Bigfoot? You already asked that one. I know, but you only got like eight words into your answer. Much like the Asian Yeti, the Australian Yowie, and the Amazonian Mapinguari, Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, is a legendary ape-like creature believed to exist by people who really want it to be true and compartmentalize well. I see. So Sasquatch, you know about that. I think we should see other people. Seriously. So much worse than the intro thing. Okay. All right. Well, I'm sorry for that, too. So what evidence is there that Bigfoot exists? Well, that depends on how liberally you want to define evidence.

If blurry pictures, eyewitness accounts, and unverifiable footprints count as evidence, there's museums full of evidence. If you want to define it as stuff that might reasonably persuade someone that this creature actually exists, there's approximately none. Okay. All right. So let's start with the footprints, I guess. Have any of them been explained? Some have been explained as misidentifications of normal tracks, but the bulk of them either remain unexplained or are completely admitted

and uncovered hoaxes. Okay, but some are unexplained. Unexplained, sure, but not unexplainable. There are some that have been proven to be hoaxes. There are others that haven't been proven yet to be hoaxes. That's true. But that would require thousands of hoaxsters, wouldn't it? I'm going to dispute your number there, but even thousands of hoaxsters are certainly more feasible than a breeding population of seven-foot-tall bipedal apes that have escaped detection for 200 years. But even more perplexing would be the species' inconsistent arrangement and number of toes. I see.

Now, you mentioned pictures and eyewitness testimony, but what about videos? Because I've seen breakdowns of the Patterson-Gimlin film that are pretty convincing to just a layman. That's been debunked more thoroughly than Brian Williams' war diaries. Now, skeptical investigators will be happy to tell you who made the monkey suit and who was wearing it, though at least half of those people still deny it. Oh, wow, and half don't. I see. In fact, Las Vegas magic duo and notable skeptics

on non-libertarian subjects, Penn and Teller, expertly demonstrated the gullibility of Bigfoot experts in 2005 when they made an unimpressive guy in a monkey suit video that America's leading Bigfoot research groups continued to tout as genuine even after Penn and Teller revealed they did it. Wow. But I mean, there are other videos, aren't there?

There are mountains of unconvincing evidence of every kind, yes. Okay, but what about hair samples? Because I saw a bunch of stories about possible Bigfoot hair, and then when they're subject to DNA testing, scientists were unable to identify the species. I mean, doesn't that support their claims? It would if hair had DNA in it. Oh, I see. Which does not.

Some hair samples will contain a few skin cells at the root, and those samples can be identified. What we don't have is DNA from a hair sample that comes back as some novel, heretofore undiscovered species. Right, but the unidentified hair could be from a Bigfoot, right? The same way it could be from a chupacabra, a minotaur, or a thundercat, yes. a thundercat, yes, but evidence that could be a deer and could be an imaginary creature unknown to science is the same thing as evidence of a deer.

Sasquatcha. Seriously? We're still doing the squatch things? It's getting unbearable. Okay, fine. You've thrown plenty of cold water on the evidence, but all these footprints, all these sightings, all these videos, they can't all be faked,

can they? Of course they can. You can hear the same argument from UFO enthusiasts, crop circle nuts, miracle hunting zealots. Can one of them be faked? Have any of them been proven? Then of course they can all be fake, and so far 100% of the Bigfoot prints that have been explained have been explained as not from

Bigfoot. Okay, but even if 100% of the evidence was faked or mistaken, that still wouldn't prove that there isn't a Bigfoot hiding out there somewhere. Because you can't prove a negative, but you can damn sure infer one. What's most damning for the Bigfoot believers is the evidence that isn't there. Even if there weren't hundreds of rednecks combing the forests for this thing daily, it would be damn odd that in all these years, nobody's taken one clear photo, found a dead one, captured a live one, found some

definitive somatic samples, befriended one and taken it into their suburban home, made a sitcom about it. While absence of evidence isn't necessarily evidence of absence, at a certain point, the phenomenal lack of data has to at least be explained. Okay, now that sounds pretty damning. So do the Bigfoot believers have an answer for those questions? Answers? Sure. Some go as far as claiming that Bigfoot travels through dimensions via astral projection. Some have also postulated that he just really is that blurry all the time. But the point is, until one of these thousands of people looking out for it finds one, it's just mythology.

Okay, but I suppose the most important question is who Sasquatches the Sasquatch? Absolutely, we're following the blog. Wrap it up. Okay, all right, fine, fine. But to wrap it up, I need to do the echoey thing. Seriously? Last time. So Heath, how bullshit is it all right it's bullshit

from a zoological biological statistical and logical perspective making the bigfoot myth tetra bullshit that's official tetra bullshit and despite what might have been said earlier heath isn't hairy and he doesn't learn. Damn straight. Run, grab the youngins, folks. It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. Today we're going to open up our Bibles to the minor prophets and meet a voice of God who'd really rather be doing something else. And along the way, we'll hear a story that's crazy even for the Bible.

Long ago, there lived a man named Jonah and he lived a normal life until one day God showed up and told him that he had to go to Nineveh and tell all the people there that God was going to kill them. Now Nineveh was the capital of the Assyrian empire and it was a very scary place back then. Assyrian kings were known for skinning their captives alive, setting them on fire, or in extreme cases, chopping off their arms, noses, ears, and dicks, gouging out their eyes, and then leaving them in the desert to slowly die of thirst. So needless to say, Jonah wasn't looking forward to going to tell them that they were evil and a foreign god had decided to smite them. So instead of following God's orders, Jonah got on the first boat that was heading the fuck out of Dodge. But of course, that made God very angry.

So he decided to kill Jonah with a storm, even if it meant he had to also kill everyone unfortunate enough to be on the boat with him. Well, when the storm hit their ship, all the other people on the boat assumed that must be because some god was angry. So they asked everybody who had pissed off god recently. Jonah admitted it was him, so all the people threw him into the ocean to his death. Because that's how meteorology works, boys and girls. But luckily for Jonah, or unluckily if you look at this from a smell-based perspective, a great big fish was going by the boat at just that moment and swallowed Jonah alive. And while he was in that fish's belly, he told God that he was really, really sorry and that if he ever made it out of that fish,

he'd go straight to Nineveh and tell them all they were horrible, filthy, filthy sinners. So after three days, God decided Jonah had spent enough time drowning in stomach acids, so he made the fish puke Jonah up on a beach near Nineveh, so that Jonah could keep his promise. Well, he went straight to the city and did just what God had told him to do. But the people in Nineveh wore crappy clothes to show God that they were really sorry. So he changed his mind and forgave them for the centuries of brutal massacres and torture so infamous that even 3,000 years later, their entire empire is synonymous with the term cruel and unusual, and decided not to destroy the city after all.

And Jonah was really upset. After all, he just spent three days in a fish gullet just to tell them they would all die, and for what? Just to save the lives of thousands of innocent people that had absolutely no control over the cruelty of their parent nation? So Jonah got so angry that he decided to go sit down in the desert and die. And God killed a bush and told him to stop being such a whiny pussy. And he did.

And everybody lived happily ever after. Except the fish, who, after tasting man flesh, hungered for nothing else and became a homicidal menace for generations. The end. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that reminds everyone that even when we talk about Brian Fisher, Gordon Klingenschmitt, and raping puppies, it's really all about you. Our first message comes from Alman on our Facebook page. Alman writes, quote, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Same quote.

Valid question. I have an untreated hernia, and I need some dental work. Thanks for asking. I have an inoperable case of misanthropy, and my right wrist clicks sometimes. And what does he mean, you people? Right? Yeah. If we were black, that would be racist. We also got an email from

Catherine, who is a big fan of the show, and one of the many that have urged us to talk a little bit about the Lila Alcorn story. Tragedy. Quote, As a trans woman myself, I believe a high-profile trans story should be spread around the atheist community.

We need those allies just as much as the rest of the LGBT letters. End quote. Or, same message, but fewer words. Also, why the fuck haven't you done a story on Leland Alcorn yet? So, yeah, for the record, I agree wholeheartedly that sometimes there does seem to be a bit of, you know,

like an LGB and the other one thing going on in the secular community. And obviously this is an incredibly tragic story and definitely needs to be talked about. But there are two real reasons that we haven't talked about on the show. The first is that there's no direct link to religion, although I'm sure there is a link to religion. It's not exactly on topic for this show. Now, that's by no means a hard and fast rule. We do go off topic and cover non-religious stories from time to time, but in general, we try to keep on topic. Although I'd certainly imagine religion-inspired bigotry played a role in this tragedy, so here we are talking about it at least a little bit. But the second reason that we haven't covered this story is that we generally avoid stories that involve dead kids or dead people in general, honestly.

I mean, I know this sounds weird coming from the puppy rape guys, but we try to avoid the truly morbid shit in the news cycle where we can. It's obviously not because we don't think it needs to be talked about. It's just a matter of what we're trying to do with this show. We're primarily a comedy show, and when we talk about serious issues, we try to find a way to do so where we can still have appropriate humor. So when some asshat tries to issue a toilet bounty for trans kids caught in what he's deemed the wrong bathroom, we can make some jokes there. We can talk about this issue while we make this xenophobic jackass the butt of the joke. Yeah, we do exactly that on The Skeptocrat. But in this case, we're talking about a story where really our whole society

and its lack of action is at fault. There is no humor there. Absolutely none. So much so that it's damn awkward to even transition back to the humor stuff here. Yeah, right. And finally tonight, we got a short and sweet email from Enrico who asks, quote, What's the best way to cook a baby? End quote.

And this is an email that deserves not one answer, but many. So just for Victor, we offer our top ten baby recipes. Let's hear it. This is going to be awkward after we just started talking about not making jokes about dead kids. But these aren't real dead kids. These are imaginary dead kids. So it's okay. So number 10.

Eating. Oshkosh goulash. Like a brand name. Right. But when you run them through the grinder, I think you lose some of the flavor. I'm simple. Medium rare with brandy peppercorn sauce. That's my number nine. Petite sir brandy peppercorn sauce.

That's my number nine. Petite sirloin au poivre. So that's what happens when you ask a foodie a question like this. I was just going to go with, like, number eight, bay beans and rice. All right, number seven. This one's a good first course. I'll sometimes have a bowl of preemie-so soup. So if you want some dessert, you can go with number six or funnel cake.

About number five. Actually, this one's an idea for the vegan atheists. You can use the dead babies to fertilize your kindergarten. There you go. Tomatoes come out amazing. I imagine the S is probably backwards, but other than that. Okay, so how about number four? If you're on the go, you can just juice a papoose.

Whole recipe right there. Native American language? Yeah, man. It rhymes. Well done. Number three, and this one's a good tip for everyone. If you find your human veal, well, anyone who eats human veal – if you find that it keeps going bad in your fridge before you eat it, consider the non-perishable versions available at Canned Parenthood. The spam of the atheist movement. How about number two?

You can have some tweener schnitzel with an infanticide salad. It doesn't have to just be babies. And at number one, we actually have the entree size for that infanticide salad you just talked about. It's got the cranberries, the candied pecans, and warm zygote cheese baked right on top. And yes, Heath just made your mouth water during a bit about baby eating. That should knock your self-image down a peg. And that is absolutely all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages.

You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. Before we put the lotion in the basket tonight, I wanted to thank everybody that nominated us for a podcast award. The nomination phase ended last Friday. We're in a holding pattern now to find out if we squeezed in for a genuine nomination. But regardless, it's an honor just to not get genuinely nominated. Anyway anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be sure to pick up bonus nuggets of scatheism by liking our facebook page following us on twitter and subscribing to our blog at

scathingatheist.com and remember starting in 12 days we'll be breaking up your six scathing atheist list days with 30 more minutes of podcast every week be sure to look for our new podcast the skeptic crack coming to a podcast aggregator near you on or about February 23rd. Or if you're a per-episode Patreon subscriber, be sure to look for the first three episodes, which are already in your exclusive patrons-only feed. Obviously, I can't close things out without thanking Heath for being the best damn buddy a podcaster could hope to have, and for being a damn good writer or impromptu crafter of dickchotes, etc. I also need to thank the lovely and wonderful Lucinda Lusions, who, by this time next episode, will have graced me with more than 18 years of blissful matrimony.

If you wanted to tweet her a happy anniversary on Saturday, yes, Valentine's Day, she's at Lucinda Lusions, L-U-G-E-O-N-S. I also need to toss a big thanks to Katie for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I hope she doesn't mind that I made a slight edit so as not to telegraph the end of the show. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most heavyweight apostates, Bill, Brett, Catherine, Jason, other Bill, Ed, Jordan, and Jessamyn, Rachel, Don, Josh, Dana, Todd, Weston, Hugh, and Trey. Bill, Brett, Catherine, and Jason were so sexy that blind people get aroused by their pictures.

Other Bill, Ed, Jordan, and Jessamyn are so clever that crossword puzzles have pretty much just given up at this point. Rachel, Don, Josh, and Dana, whose real lives are more adventurous than Brian Williams' pretend one. And Todd, Weston, Hugh, and Trey, whose ejaculations are so powerful they can make webpages stick together. Together, this dozen and one-third secular superhumans have demonstrated their magnificent munificence this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the temerity, sincerity, prosperity, hilarity, solidarity, celerity, dexterity, or clarity of verity it takes to give us money. But if you think you've got all the arities it takes, you can make a per-episode donation by going to patreon.com slash skatingatheist, or by following the link to Patreon that's on our homepage. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help with the way you figure it, I still owe you money for that donkey show, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, telling a soulless, hell-bound friend about the show, or sharing it with your Bible study group. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. So after three days, God decided Jonah had spent enough time.

Sorry, I can't fucking do it now.