The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 106: They Said There'd be no Matthew Edition

Episode Date: February 26, 2015

In this week's episode we'll learn that despite the monologues, vaginas don't actually have vocal cords; we'll learn that Heath would still rather drink Pastor Manning's coffee than Bill Cosby's; and Lucinda will join us to learn that Matthew's Jesus was way more magical than Mark's.

Warning, the following podcast contains dick jokes. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Carnival Crusade Lines. Armed Christian boat tours of the Holy Land with occasional round trips. Tour beautiful Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, and Palestine whilst simultaneously trying to win back the promised land for Jesus. Or upgrade to the Persian excursion package and invade Iran. Carnival crusade lines, because cruise ships never have problems with ISIS. And now, the Scathing Atheist. I love Noah's diatribes and wish I had his talent for ranting, but if I did, I couldn't

record one for him because that's his special reserved section that only he can pull off in the way he does. But like him, i can talk fast and i can get angry and i can try to express my frustration and anger when i come across something that's not just stupid but affects people close to me you see i live in a country where i could be put in prison for not going to a particular place of worship hell i have to be called anonymous steve from skeptical podcast because i can be put in prison in the country i live in just because i'm telling you that i could be put in the prison in the country I live in for not going to

the particular brand of deaf cult that I apparently must go to. But after several years into this state of affairs what still really knocks me sideways, what really shocks me, is the fact that the country I live in is the United Kingdom. Yes, in old blighty a judge believed he had the right to tell me I had to attend Catholic Mass. Not only that, but I had to force my children to attend Catholic Mass, regardless of the fact that some of us thought that the European Convention of Human Rights protected all of us from such decision making. And this is not an atheist thing, it's a human thing. You see, I've never been a Catholic, and by having to go to Mass we cannot attend an alternative.

So this decision is just wrong, regardless of whether I'm an atheist, or a member of some other religion or denomination. Fuck it, it would be wrong even if I were a Catholic. I guess I'm a lost cause, but if my sons want to be Muslim or Sikh or even Catholic, I would happily take them to the house of worship they chose. Well, not happily perhaps, but definitely I would support their freedom of thought and freedom of choice. Now, it's easy to look at this judge with hate and anger, to call him an idiot because

he's a Catholic and that he decided we would have to follow his faith on threat of choice. Now it's easy to look at this judge with hate and anger, to call him an idiot because he's a Catholic and that he decided we would have to follow his faith on threat of prison. But this guy intrinsically knows better than me and knows worse than me. I don't know to what degree he was forced to Catholic Mass as a child or how his religion has trapped him in the same way that it's trying to attract my children. Yes, he's a fool, he's plain wrong and he perhaps should not be allowed to do his job. But he's not evil, he's not a different species, he shits and farts and fucks like the rest of us, and that's worth bearing in mind while I hate what this fool has done at his place of employment. Because just like shitting and farting and fucking, he shows his mere humanity by making really really stupid decisions. And even now it still shocks me. I can be put in prison for not forcing my children to

the religion and denomination of this judge, I can be put in prison for telling you this. I can be put in the prison in the UK for this. And forget the shitting and farting and fucking. It is stupidity like this, and the human failing that can make all of us bigots. This ability to see the world from our own perspective and be blinkered to the point of view of others, that proves, that proves without doubt, proves that this judge, this bigot, this fool, is no better than the rest of us, and no worse, because there's only one explanation for this kind of failing. So I can't write a diatribe, but I can share with you the explanation for this stupidity. This judge, just like the rest of us, did indeed evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's February 26th. And I'd rather have Pastor Manning's coffee than Bill Cosby's. I'm no illusion. I'm Heath Enright. And from Walmart, Isle of Man, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating East. In this week's episode, we'll learn that monologues are no, vaginas don't actually have vocal cords. A shocking photo reveals that the Van Buren 8 was Obama, and like seven other guys. And Lucinda will join us to read the Jesus myth again, only this time with an origin story.

But first, the diatribe. You know, as much as I love to talk about how much God sucks, it was nice to take a break from that the other day and do an interview about something else. So usually when I do interviews with other podcasters, we'll talk about atheism or, you know, whatever I'm there to talk about. And then once the recorders are switched off, we'll bullshit about podcasting for a bit. But this time, the interview itself was about podcasting. So Brian from ProfitCast invited me on. Now that's ProfitCast with an F, not to be confused with ProfitCast with a PH, which is a fine show and all, it's just not the one that I was on. This show is all about how to monetize a podcast, and since Heath and I haven't starved to death yet, he wanted to talk to us.

And I was good, I stayed on topic, I didn't cuss, I didn't talk about God being bullshit, but I did manage to sneak one little dig against theism in there. When Brian asked me how I measured my success, I told him that as an atheist, I don't have an afterlife to look forward to or anything. So I consider the podcast to be my way of carving out a little bit of immortality one hour at a time. So when I look back over the show that we've created, the most pertinent question that I can ask myself is whether I'm proud of the echo that I've left in the world. And then I added something about how it's also nice to not have my car repossessed. Anyway, this little comment, as it turned out, led at least one person to give up his faith. Or at least that's the story he's telling me. One of ProfitCast's regular listeners emailed me afterwards. I guess, you know, Brian had interviewed a Christian podcaster a few weeks back that left this particular listener at

least feeling a little dour about his chance to succeed in podcasting. So basically, he emailed me to tell me how ironic he thought it was that he was more inspired by an atheist than he was by a Christian. Now, the tone of the email was really friendly and all, so my response was friendly as well. But I pointed out in no uncertain terms just how bigoted it is that that's something he considered ironic. I mean, why should an atheist be able to inspire a person with hope?

Why should a Christian be able to? Just because they use the word hope a lot? They say inspiration a lot, and we don't? I mean, come on, the guy who's always talking about sex is the guy not getting laid, right? But I told the emailer, if he didn't think atheists were capable of being inspirational, clearly he's never heard Sam Harris give a talk or read any Dawkins. Clearly he's not listening to the same atheists I'm listening to. So we emailed back and forth a few times and he clarified that what really surprised him was that the part of the interview that most inspired him was the part where I

starkly admitted to my mortality. And I said without reservation that I'm going to cease to exist at some point and that knowing that motivates me to leave my fingerprints on something while I'm here. Now this guy was nominally Christian, but he admitted that the only real thing holding him to his faith was the fear of oblivion. But as I inadvertently pointed out to him, the thing that he thought was inspiring him was actually less inspirational than facing the truth. Now, I've talked plenty on this show before about how empowering I find mortality, so I'm not going to rehash the whole conversation that we had. But one of the points that we kept coming back to is the notion that religion has outlived its utility. You know, there was a time when there was no level of immortality available. I imagine the promise of an afterlife was probably more pivotal when you spent 19 hours a day coaxing

potatoes out of the ground and raising the two elevens of your kids that didn't die of rickets. You know, knowing that that's all you had to look forward to and then you were going to die. Sure, I can see why you would cling to the concept of heaven, even if you had your doubts. And there are plenty of people, even in the world right now, that are in similar circumstances. But immortality is yet another of those many things that religion promised and science delivered. You know, a century ago, the most that the average person could hope for was to do enough in their community to maybe get a road named after them or something. And obviously the vast majority of them couldn't even get that. But today, we all have a chance to leave our mark.

I'm reminded of a display I saw at the MoMA a couple of years back that talked about the future of mourning. Consider a person born tomorrow. She grows up, she lives to her mid-80s, and then dies with a dozen grandchildren, twice that many great-grandchildren. Now think about how much of her life will be documented, echoing up from digital archive somewhere. You know, her loved ones can go back and visit her life. The music and the TV shows that she liked in her youth, the social media statuses that she posted after her first date with grandpa maybe. You know, pictures not just of like her wedding and stuff, but of those mundane moments, those living moments that mean so much more to people who are grieving. You can go back and you can listen to the band that she played with in her 20s.

You can read the blog that she started when she was in her 30s or watch the videos that she posted when she was in her 40s. You can grow old with her online again. You can learn things about her that you never knew when she was alive. You can all but have a conversation with her after she's gone. Now granted, that's pretty crappy immortality

if you compare it to the shit that religion promised us but it's pretty damn good compared with what every generation of humans before us had. I mean, when we first started getting pictures of the heavens, they were pretty crappy if you compared them to the streets of gold that religion said we'd find there, but now we found shit out there that's way cooler than anything any Bronze Age shepherd could have dreamed up. Look, I'll take an awesome reality over a more awesome fantasy, and I'll be happy to have it. Jesus said faith could move mountains in both Mark and Matthew so far, but I haven't seen him do it yet. Still waiting. Now, I have seen science do that. It's kind of scary and

depressing, but that's not the point. It's just another broken promise of religion that science took care of despite religion's best efforts. And the point is that there probably is a heaven. You know, there probably is a paradise. And we could all get there together if religion would just get the fuck out of the way and let us build it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is that guy from The Skeptocrat, Heath Enright.

Heath, how are you taking this poly-podcasterous lifestyle? It is one big circle jerk, just like they say. And that was only a minor adjustment to my normal routine, so easy transition. Right on, right on. Awesome. In our lead story tonight, Michigan pediatrician Dr. Vesna Roy is too Christian to treat the child of a lesbian couple. So, fearing she would be unable to speak proper lesbanese

or understand the unique medical requirements of a demon spawn, she elected to not come to work the day of the fornicator's appointment. Now, luckily, there was a less righteous doctor on hand to darken his soul with the tainted wages of the Jesus haters, so at least the kid did get his checkup. So ridiculous. We're talking about an infant child. Yes. The gay isn't even close to being

communicable yet, and I'm sure a Christian doctor knows that. That's post-pubescent, guys. Now, while I'm sure that we can all agree that refusing to help children in need is among the chief doctrines of Christianity, online criticism of the dyke duck led the dick doc to offer a feeble apology that at least

suggested that lesbians were subhuman and unworthy of her company. The how-am to look at you without throwing holy water in your face apology read in part quote i felt that i would not be able to develop the personal patient doctor relationship i normally do with my patients end quote because you know god hates you it sounds like she thought this couple was bluffing or something right yeah exactly last year we're expecting a child and she told me yeah sure you year. We're going to have a child. We're expecting a child. And she told him, yeah, sure, you two go ahead and spawn a child.

I'll be right here holding my breath until God lets you do that. Yeah, you come back. And then that happened. They came back. She panicked. Yeah, obviously. Didn't show up for work. Now, this story, of course, is a really important one as it demonstrates the reality of all these bullshit laws like the one Arkansas just passed that allow business owners to discriminate against gays

on account of their unbiblical devil sex. The proponents of these laws are real quick to publicize it when it's like a wedding photographer that, ooh, might have to take pictures of gay people kissing without throwing up or the baker that might have to put their fingers on the same icing that lesbian tongues will later lick. But when it comes to shit like basic medical care for your child, they're not quite as quick

to ramp up your PR machine. What's wrong? Does the free market bigotry libertarian thing completely break down right there? No? It happens from time to time it seems. Do the cops have to protect everyone? And of course, the state of Michigan has no law against this.

So if there's one pediatrician in your town and he or she is a Bible-thumping xenophobe, fuck you and your Christ-forsaken bastard child. That's the state of Michigan's policy. Feel the drive further. And in American history, ex-lax news tonight. Several GOP lawmakers in Oklahoma read a high school history textbook. So that was nice to hear, but unfortunately, it's not exactly the refreshing good news. Just goes downhill.

I think it might be here. Apparently, these guys were offended to find out that lots of Americans throughout history are coming off like horribly bigoted idiots, if you read the history. And that's why State Representative Dan Fisher has sponsored a bill, HB 1380, which would pull all funding for advanced placement American history classes in the state until this, you know, observationally biased curriculum is replaced with more appropriate material, such as the unconstitutional Christian jingoism lessons specifically laid out in the. It's so bad. Yeah. I mean, I guess they want to make sure everything's covered,

like the extremely low unemployment rate among blacks in the slave states, for example. They don't even talk about the fact that whites are still waiting for a thank you note from the Indians for civilizing them. Hello? It's not even mentioned in the history of the fact that those interned Japs, some of them had it coming. It's just like it's statistically impossible that some of them didn't. None of that was being discussed in the old standards. That's just like it's statistically impossible that some of them did. None of that was being discussed in the old standards. That's just updating this shit.

According to Fisher, the current curriculum contains, quote, robust analyses of gender and racial oppression and class ethnicity and the lives of marginalized people, end quote. And according to the history professors that write the exam, yes, exactly. That's what we put in the exam. We don't want to be doomed to repeat. This is a problem for Fisher et al., who believe in the old saying that tells us we should learn from our successes.

And since we pretty much always win here in America, that's the end of the adage. So with this in mind, the new curriculum would now require students to be instructed on so-called foundational documents, such as speeches from Ronaldonald reagan a sermon by pastor jonathan edwards and the ten commandments yes yes and by the way speeches as in plural from ronald reagan the the bill lists 58 specific documents yeah and that's all of american history these 58 documents three of them are speeches by Ronald Reagan. He makes up more than 5% of the significant parts of American history. It's a B actor. Fisher did qualify his message a little. He doesn't want to completely ignore what he calls, quote, blemishes in our history

like slavery and segregation. Blemishes like those. But when we do address these small imperfections in history, we can't forget about all the parts that were working you know all these teachers focus on is the depressing stuff like the slave perspective we don't hear anything about the free market success of the cotton industry that was doing great that's gdp right just overlook things like the opportunity cost of emancipation that's you dan fisher you sound like right And in This Is Why We're Here news tonight, I am hardly able to stifle spontaneous ejaculations over the rare confluence of an axe-wielding hairdresser,

a car chase, a mission from God, and flaming dildos all appearing in the same news story. You just hear the smile on my face, can't you? Now, I must admit that Raw Stories headline of, Axe-Wielding Hair Designer Burns Down Michigan Adult Store to Please God is pretty hard to improve upon, but I figured if anybody could do it, it would be the man to my left here. So, Heath, what have you got? How about, in a rare twist, genital area sex shop gets hatchet wound flaming lips from angry villagers.

I knew you had it. Now this story begins when a 41-year-old Michigander by the name of Mitchell Happner said to himself, I sure would like to be featured on the Scathing Atheist and Cognitive Dissonance while simultaneously making George Robb's Religious Moron of the Week segment and set out to do exactly that. He elected to do so by setting a dildo shop on fire last week on order from God. But just to make sure that he offered up some extra wacky adjectives, he also brought an axe for some reason. Sounds like this was just a failed take from Kirk Cameron's Fireproof 2

and gone horribly wrong. He finally overcomes his anal bead addiction there. Now, according to police, Habner has admitted to the arson, which was intended to rid the world of pornography because apparently his flux capacitor misfired and he thought he'd gone all the way back to a decade where people got pornography from stores. Anyway, when questioned later by police, he apparently figured that a lengthy trial would interfere with the other 3,827 adult stores he still needed to burn down in the U.S. and the Internet. So he led police on a brief chase before ultimately crashing his car, nearly poetically ending the story with one last flaming dildo.

If you've got the flux capacity, just go back and kill Al Gore. The Internet never happens. We're all set. Idiots. And in Yogi Bear naked news tonight, we had all of the following yoga-related news this week. This was heavy on the yoga shit. Weird stuff. We'll start with Father Roland Colquhoun, a Catholic priest from Northern Ireland who gave a sermon warning against the satanic dangers of yoga. Then Rajan Zed, president of the Universal Society of Hinduism,

called for Pope Francis to overrule this guy and make him take it back, which clearly didn't happen. Then hot yoga guru Bikram Chowdhury was brought up on rape charges during one of the first seven-day news cycles in recent memory without a prominent Catholic in a similar headline. So Catholics are doing quite well so far against the Hindus. And finally, we found out that women in New York City are paying $250 an hour to learn about turning their genitals into a man-hunting werewolf by doing naked rooftop groin stretches

so as to shine the light of their bare vagina on the full moon, and I guess vice versa, which I didn't know about. No, me neither no never heard of this uh if i ever meet a girl that can actually do something they could summon me across town with her like bat slat signal that way i don't care if she's a satanist yoga witch whatever i'm in love that's awesome is that normal ladies but can all of you do that can you don't don't let them fool you most of the time they're just faking. And in aborto-fascist news tonight, South Dakota lawmaker Isaac Lateral has taken bold action to halt all katana, guillotine, and garrote-based abortion practices. This insane rivulet of hyperbole came in the form of a piece of legislation that he actually had the temerity to call the pre-born infant beheading ban of 2015.

No, he absolutely did not call it that. That's actually the name of the fucking bill. So first of all, let's take a look at this pre-born infant bullshit. Pre-born is already a nonsense term, but if you're going to use it, you can't also say infant. No, you're... You're reaching into the future anyway, so it's like it's a pre-born adolescent and a pre-born geriatric as much as a pre-born infant. But secondly, and this part's important too too abortion doctors don't chop the heads off of fetuses well now they certainly don't right it would be a felony now the language of the bill

is possibly even more laughable than the intent it reads in part quote no licensed physician may knowingly behead a living unborn child with the intent of endangering the life or health of the child, end quote. Knowingly? So important that he thought to carve out some wiggle room for people who are just harmlessly chopping off fetus heads to graft them to monkeys later, but if you were planning on endangering that thing that you just decapitated, well, that, sir, that, sir, is a crime.

And they included an exception. Yes. If the mother's life is in danger, the doctor can do what's necessary to save her life, up to and including accidentally chopping the fetus's head off. Right. That's still allowed. That's actually in the fucking law, too. You accidentally do that while you...

In case you're curious why this South Dakota lawmaker is so obsessed with chopping the heads off of fetuses other than the normal reasons, I should note that the bill he introduced actually compares abortion doctors to ISIS. ISIS, Planned Parenthood, same people, different uniforms, apparently. Right, but don't worry because thanks to this legislation,

we don't have to watch any more of those sonogram jihad videos anymore. I love those things. And in Islam finally goes digital news tonight. Thanks to the tireless research of American thinker columnist F.W. Burleigh, President Obama has finally been caught in the act of being Muslim. During the U.S.-African Leaders Summit last year, the president was photographed very clearly making a unique gesture that, according to Burleigh, can only be described as the official Muslim

gang sign. They didn't know about this. Most people aren't familiar with this sort of hand-positioning thing outside of Islamic outlaw motorcycle clubs, I guess, but it involves the extension of the index finger and the simultaneous down curling of the other digits, almost resembling, I guess, the number one, if you can imagine what I'm talking about.

So I'm having trouble picturing this secret gesture, even though you're sitting right next to me. It's like, so it'd be like extending one finger up in the normal manner one would to say, hold on a second, or to finger a chick on a ladder. Or a guy. Okay, yeah, right, in the ass, of course. So it's like that, except in no way different. Exactly right.

Oh, okay, all right. And further research shows that every single world leader ever photographed is also Muslim. So it's interesting. And after reviewing the details of their rock, paper, scissors career stats, every single world leader is also a pagan polytheist and an atheist. No shit. And in a puzzling twist, Obama might also be gay. It seems a series of photographs compiled by American Thinker may reveal that his clothing has indeed used almost every color in the visible light spectrum at this point,

which is a time-lapse gay gang sign used predominantly in the unpublished underworld of homosexual thuggery. Yeah, well, you know, he also goes out all the time and he hits a little white ball with a bag full of crooked sticks, and I think we all know what that secretly symbolizes. This, of course, should lead to a new wave of investigation into the far-reaching influence of Islam that we've all been ignoring this whole time. For example, archived video footage from Madison Square Garden in New York City clearly shows decades of Knickerbocker fans with enormous orange-colored Allah fingers all over the arena. However, the angle of the foam index finger is often slightly askew, and that actually points more towards Jesus than Allah if you check the astrology on that. So we may hear Christian scholars weigh in on this with the official numbers from the theological trig department.

I see. Well, something tells me we're going to have a few spare minutes while we wait for a definitive answer from theology, so that'll afford us a perfect opportunity to toss it over to the lovely Lucinda Lusions. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. Sorry, ladies. I know you had your hearts set on attending the sportsman's banquet at the New Harmony Church in Salem, Missouri this weekend. But as it turns out, you're not invited.

According to the advertisement the church sent out, penislessness excludes you unless, of course, you're making mass dissemination. That's right. The actual wording on their advertising for the event was, quote, no women allowed unless you're cooking, end quote. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I'd come if they invited me or paid me. But I'm still baffled that this kind of blatant misogyny hasn't driven more women away from the religion that has three gods, all of them with dicks. But enough about sexist. Let's turn instead to a Nevada Republican who put her gray matter towards solving the epidemic of rape on American universities.

And wouldn't you know it, she puzzled it all out in a jiffy. The key, of course, is for women to be armed proportionally to their hotness. Yes, the woman who also recently explained that cancer is a fungus that can be washed away with the salt water also thinks that rape will stop if, quote, these young hot little girls had a firearm, end quote. And this isn't just a theoretical musing, by the way. This was an argument offered in support of her bill to allow concealed firearms on the campuses of the Nevada universities. There's so much wrong with this idiocy. But since I don't have enough time to express all of it in my life, by the way, not just in this segment,

I'll simply point out how horrifyingly off-base this bullshit narrative that rape is something only hot young girls have to worry about is. And I'll leave the other 16 layers of absurdity for another time. And that's mostly because Idaho lawmaker Vito Barbieri is so fucking stupid that I think we're going to have to dwell on it for a second. This dingleberry, who would look out of place anywhere but on the back of a phone book asking if you've been injured in a slip and fall recently, decided to open up his mouth and remove all doubt during a hearing about a bill that would ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing medication through telemedicine. Because I guess the two abortion clinics that serve the 800,000 women in the Austria-sized

state are plenty. So while a physician was talking about the use of telemedicine, and specifically about using a swallowed camera to examine a patient's colon, Barbieri cleared his throat and it was all downhill from there. In words that no adjectives can fully encapsulate, the stupidity of, he asked the doctor if a woman could swallow a camera to examine a fetus in utero, forcing this doctor to explain, amid a torrid of laughter, of course, that women don't swallow things with their vaginas,

nor do we throw babies up. Now I would go on to tell you the depressing postscript to that story where the committee went on to actually pass the restrictive and wholly unnecessary measure, but that part is bleak and the impromptu gynecology lesson is hilarious, so we'll just leave it there. And until next time, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in its jihad out there for a pimp news tonight, Florida Representative Todd Yoho dropped some knowledge on the U.S. State Department via Newsmax TV last week when he explained that we can never defeat ISIS as long as they believe in God harder than we do.

Washington, Michael Flanagan, Yoho explained, quote, We're taking God out of this country. They're fighting for their God. And all I can say is the person that has God on their side is going to win this thing. End quote. And what? God hasn't decided yet? Apparently not. So let's see if we can stumble through this theological labyrinth these guys go in here. So there's only the one God, but each religion has a different nickname.

And ultimately, that God is going to score this bout not on who tortures who or who burns who to death in a cage, but rather on who best compliments his rather impressive member. And in America, we're sucking, but we're not cupping while the Muslims are teaming up

in pairs and teabagging one nut each, so I think that's pretty much the idea that we're dealing with out of this guy. Well, we're talking about Jew God, right? Of course. He already established that he's murdering everyone on both sides at some point. But yeah, whoever blows him with more vigor and, like you said, gets the balls involved, he'll be nicer to them up until the eternal damnation starts.

Apparently. Of course, YOLO or Yahoo oroohoo or whatever the dude's name is he also offered some concrete solutions on how to reverse this god of the gaps gap most notably shredding the constitution starting from the top and stopping when you get to the parts about them getting to keep their guns i had a recipe for grits and gravy you got a mike huckabee book right yeah exactly in the can and in man from Nantucker news tonight, Tucker Carlson is editor-in-chief of trust fund baby news site The Daily Caller, which ran an article last week in their guns and gear section entitled,

quote, kill all the Jews, and when that is done, kill those that refuse to defend them. End quote. Wow. No, that's really the headline? Despite what those words mean, the article is actually more of a warning against genocides, comparing the current ISIS campaign with that of the Nazis. And I'd say, regardless of the fact that the part after the headline is free of genocidal suggestions I checked, this seems problematic. Right. Especially because I had to check.

I had to check. Yes, exactly. Yeah. In general, you kind of want to avoid ambiguity when it comes to pogrom inciting type shit. When you are writing your headline, you started off with kill all Jews and, and then the little paperclip comes up with a little Hitler mustache and says, yeah, it looks like you're writing a neo-Nazi manifesto. That should be your first sign you're doing something wrong.

Now, when asked for comment, Tucker Carlson claimed the editor in charge of that section was probably hungover. He also specifically volunteered that the publication never received any negative feedback from their readership about that headline. That's troublesome. Despite that very enlightened fan base they've got over there, they've since changed the title, which now reads, quote, They came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up it's happening again end quote so i mean that sounds like the first person to kind of a german on the fence about nazism now yes that's a distinct improvement on the first one but yeah i still haven't managed to let readers know the article about how isis is similar to the nazis nor have they clearly stated their stance with respect to those two groups.

And again, it's anti. It is anti. They're definitely against killing the Jews. But I had to check. Again, I had to check. Exactly. And in sticking up your Razzie news tonight, Thomas Edison rose from the dead this weekend just long enough to apologize for inventing the movie camera in response to Kirk Cameron's

Saving Christmas. The hands-down worst film among the pantheon of cinematic melina that Eli has reviewed on this show was honored as such during last week's Razzie Awards, taking home the Razzies for worst actor, worst picture, worst screenplay, and worst screen combo for Kirk Cameron and his ego. That's actually, I didn't make that up. This, of course, in addition to being designated the worst movie of all time screen combo for Kirk Cameron and his ego. That's actually, I didn't make that up. This, of course, in addition to being designated the worst movie of all time by both Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb, and also, by the way, they give an award for worst movie promotional

poster every year, and they also won that. I'm sorry, did Kirk Cameron's ego really get worst supporting actor? Yes, exactly. Awesome. But I'm surprised, did they not win best hip-Hop Bollywood Closing Dance Number of Mostly Overweight White People? They should just sweep that in all the award shows. It is, however, nice to know that Kirk Cameron can't even be the best at sucking, as the 19th installment in Michael Bay's cinematic exploration of 118-minute-long bad video game cutscenes,

Transformers Age of Extinction, led all movies with seven Razzie nominations. Cameron said he was proud to be nominated alongside Bay after citing a flowchart he made at Bible Camp that proved, or whatever, the Transformers are a gift from God. And in, I said, Jager Boo. Jager Boo news tonight. News anchor Christy Capelle of Fox 8 in Cleveland is definitely working for the correct network. Isn't she? For the moment.

During a broadcast last week following the Oscars, her co-host for the segment, Wayne Dawson, an African-American gentleman, reported on Lady Gaga's musical tribute to The Sound of Music. Which was awesome. It was pretty good, yeah. And after he complimented the performance, Capelle interrupts him to say, quote, it's hard to really hear her voice with all the jigaboo music. Whatever you want to call it. Jigaboo. End quote.

It's okay. It's okay. She's taking it back. So, yes. Yeah. She blatantly uses a wildly offensive anti-black racial slur while sitting next to her black co-host, and then she pauses, and you gotta assume she's gonna walk it back. Right, yes, exactly. But then she just says jigaboo, at which point I managed to awkwardly end the segment somehow and cut away right before what I imagined was several angry black people taking part in a very much justified session of screaming right in her face for several hours.

But perhaps the best part of this story was her apology, which read, quote, I apologize if I offended you. I had no idea that it was a word or what it meant. End quote. So, number one, noise. End quote. So, number one, you want us to believe that you're just in the habit of randomly stringing syllables together in fits of spontaneous neology while delivering the news on TV. And number two, you want us to believe that while doing that, the random syllables that you just plucked out of thin air to disparagingly refer to a stereotypically black art form just coincidentally lined up with an extant epithet that means the exact same thing i'd like to think that even fox viewers will go now wait a minute this isn't adding up here fact checker on this the what now i'm sure mr bell had no problem with one of the whitest

nomination years since reconstruction at the oscars but i'm guessing if she's not fired already fox will probably try to find her more bigotry friendly events to cover in the future because that would fit and of course we decided to consider what that might sound like we'll need 30 seconds on the clock at a minimum christy capel's nominees for the racist oscars on fox go oh this should go well um now i assume you're not looking for new features, so I'm not just going to use American Sniper. How about 12 Years and Running a Slave? What about The Adopted Kids Are All White? Oh, Crystal Knocked Up?

Oh, no, it gets worse. I have worse. How about Black Swanee River? By the way, that's still the official state song of Florida. Yes, it gets worse. I have worse. About Black Swanee River. By the way, that's still the official state song of Florida. Yes, it is. Switched out Darkie for brother in lyrics, and now it's not racist. And if you go over the Swanee River, they actually have the lyrics up there. How about a little something for the Mormons here?

How about My Fair and Delightsome Lady? How about we give you 60% of the Monty? We'll give you 60% of the Monty? We'll give you 60% of the Monty. Alright, so now I don't know if you could make this movie more racist, but how about Birth of a Miscegenation? Um, Sickle Selma? Oh, wow. Dr. King's speech impediment?

Been way too long since the last anemia joke. How about Auschwitz started in Naples? Nicely done. How about, Ausha, which started in Naples? Nicely done. What about, hands up in the air, shoot anyway. Wow.

Maybe, Christy would love this one. How about, back into Africa? Like a sequel. Which is, in no way, intended to be a segue

to this last one. Extremely loud and incredibly close in the row right behind you. Oh, phew. Wow. All right, well, I guess quick before one of us accidentally says something offensive, we should close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. We're not on Fox.

And when we come back, we'll learn that Matthew's Jesus was way more magic than Mark's. What the fuck is... Ash Wednesday. If you live among Catholics, you probably noticed their bizarre schmutz-on-the-face tradition last Wednesday, and if you're anything like me, you had to consciously work not to lick your thumb and wipe it off. It should surprise nobody that the holiday celebrated

by looking like you were just going down on a chimney sweep hasn't exactly caught on in the wider Christian world, leading many people to ask, what the fuck is that shit on your forehead? Ash Wednesday marks the start of the calendrically absurd clusterfuck of subordinate celebrations that lead up to the pinnacle holiday of the American Atheists' annual convention, also known as Easter. It marks the beginning of Lent, which is a 40-day fast that represents the 40 days Jesus spent tripping on cactuses in the desert, except that Christians are wusses, so they take weekly breaks from their imaginary vicarious desert wanderings every Sunday, leading to a total of 46 days. In a further symbol of their wussery relative to Jesus, they also don't do much in terms of fasting, but rather just give up one thing when other Catholics are looking. Because of a wacky attempt to force the round

hole of a solar calendar into the square peg of a lunar one, Ash Wednesday can fall anywhere between the 4th of February and the 10th of March. The most visible part of the holiday, of course, is the aforementioned shit on their face, which is traditionally the ash of the palm branch that they blessed on last year's Palm Sunday, which is ceremonially placed on their head by a Catholic priest, preferably using his non-fingering kid butt's hand. The ashes are smeared in a vaguely cross-like pattern, which is supposed to remain on your head throughout the day

as a reminder to everyone that you're willing to look stupid for Jesus. One often began as a cross quickly morphs into a shapeless blob in short order and, for the viewing enjoyment of your less superstitious friends, often runs into your eyes and hairline. Of course, like all things divinely mandated by the one and only true God, there's very little agreement on how this is supposed to work. In much of the non-English speaking world, the ashes are scattered over the heads of the faithful, and it's likely the practice of forehead smudging began as a women's only alternative

as female scalps offend God and thus traditionally remained covered in church. The convenience of not having to wash that shit out of your hair in the pre-hot running water and shampoo days likely led to the popularity of the far less dignified alternative. The use of ashes to signify remorse or grief has plenty of biblical precedent, of course, and thus the ritual is a symbolic way of reminding the all-knowing God that you're really sorry that lady's apophilia made him temporarily kill his kid. him temporarily kill his kid. When we were ramping up to do the Holy Babel in the first place, I solicited advice from a lot of friends, including a couple of religious ones.

And it struck me that in every instance, when I asked a Christian about reading the Bible, they all told me to start with Matthew. This was never followed by, and then read the rest of the New Testament in order, mind you. After that, they'd usually try to direct me to Acts and then Proverbs or Psalms or whatever. But clearly they all considered Matthew the Bible putting its best foot forward. And you'll never understand exactly how depressing that is until you read this fucking book. Yeah, Christians, listen up.

You guys really need to read this thing. It's nuts. If you're reading it, you guys have to read it. Absolutely. And despite Ferris Bueller-level efforts to call in sick on this one, we're joined for our reintroduction to Jesus by my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Despite all the facts to the contrary, Noah, I am happy to be here. So why don't you go ahead and get us started.

So we start with this genealogy that traces Jesus all the way back to Abraham via every famous Jew. Yes, and let's do the math. It says that there were 14 generations between Abraham and David, 14 between David and the fall of Jerusalem, and 14 between then and Jesus, which would ultimately mean that after Abe, the Jews were having kids at the average age of 76, after which they switched to having kids at 30, and then after they fucked up the temple thing, they went to 42 and settled on that. That's reasonable.

Yeah, I guess. So then we get the Immaculate Conception, and just when Joseph is about to send his whore fiancée away, he dreams that God fucked her, so he lets her stay. The old softy. And by the way, remember when the unerring creator of the universe said the kid would be named Jesus? No, we don't.

Wasn't it Emmanuel? No, no, that's actually pronounced Jesus. Believe it or not. You wouldn't think so. It's Jesus. All right, enter the three wise men running around telling everybody about the new mini Jew king.

Yeah. Not sure how they kept that wise moniker when it didn't take Herod long to convince him that he was just looking for Jesus so he could say hi. Which, of course, he wasn't. No. Yeah. Tell him I said hi. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That sounds suspicious. Be cool. Be cool. Tell him I said wazzah. Jesus, wazzah. be cool be cool tell him tell him I said waza then we enter Jesus waza then we enter into this weird game of lack of Jesus

that comes about because of all the prophets saying that the Messiah would be from a different place right yeah so he goes from

Bethlehem to Egypt to Israel to Galilee yeah it comes out of all of them ridiculous they're making a superhero sequel and they just

completely ignored the original comic book a bunch of Jewish fanboys on the production team started complaining and awkwardly plaster over all the stuff they were getting wrong. And then Herod kills a bunch of babies, a fact that was curiously left out of all the non-New Testament accounts

of history, even by historians going out of their way to demonize Herod. And then John the Locust Munchin Baptist shows up to vaguely fulfill one of Isaiah's epileptic bouts of glossolalia. But first John is starstruck like Kim Jong-un meeting James Franco. Ah, son of God. Don't say anything stupid.

Don't say anything stupid. You should baptize me, right? Right? Because you're, I'm sorry, that sounded desperate. Such an idiot! Jesus. And then Jesus wanders off into the desert to live off of nothing but cactuses and mushrooms for 40 days and nights, which doesn't sound that successful. And at the end, the devil shows up to fuck with him, and he's all like, if you were really the Son of God, you could just eat rocks and jump off of buildings and shit.

And Jesus is like, yeah, I can do all that stuff. I just don't feel like doing it right now. I mean, but if I felt like it, I could. Yeah, and then he hears that John the Baptist has been arrested, so Jesus heroically ran and hid like a little bitch. Right? Then we get all the disciple hunting and people healing that we got already in Mark.

Yeah, this is the part when he takes his miracle mineral solution down to Galilee and cures all the acne by burning it off with bleach. Apparently, yes, exactly. Then we get the infamous Sermon on the Mount. Right, and as widely cited as this thing is, the whole opening is all about how awesome it is to be poured, disaffected, and shit on by the state. Isn't it great, guys? And just for the record, by the way, Jesus says you become blessed when people insult you. Yet we provide this public blessing service to Christians on a weekly basis, and they never appreciate it at all.

Punching heaven tickets for you idiots. Learn to like it. Then he reminds everybody that bland salt sucks, and all the slave-beating, rape-victim purchasing, and slut- stoning from the old book definitely still applies. Still the rules. Wait, wait, don't forget wanting to fuck somebody is the same as fucking them, so you might as well just fuck them. Just do it. Chop your penis off and your eye. Right, yeah, exactly.

That's where we're going now. We get the self mutilation advice once more. Yeah, if you cut off your hands, rip out your eyeballs and never do anything, you're almost guaranteed to find heaven after your shitty, blind, handless life in a ditch. The best thing that you can do. And then he reminds everybody not to act like a Christian about shit, not to save for retirement, not to plant food, and not to wear clothes. All right.

He also said, definitely don't turn into a self-righteous, preachy asshole. I already said he said not to act like a Christian about shit. If you want to pray to me and my dad, just go to your room and do it quietly. And then shut the fuck up about it when you're around other people. So it's pretty good stuff from Jesus there. So, you know, what happened? Did you guys even read the book? Like I was saying, it's right there.

Don't believe they did. And then he tries to give good advice about not being a judgmental dick, but he fucks it all up with this analogy about a guy with a log stuck in his eye. Is that like a thing that happened? Back in the day, people would get planks and logs and just cut their eyes? How the fuck do you get a log in your eye? Right? I don't understand.

Also, don't feed your kids rocks or snakes. Important advice straight from JC there, you guys. And he also warns against, you know, shepherds making wild new religious claims. Unless, of course, they're carrying a perfectly polished apple like this one right here. Right. Yeah, exactly. Now, to be fair, the Sermon on the Mount contains some pretty decent shit. But basically, you've got six bumper stickers worth of wisdom just stuffed along in there somewhere.

Right. Then we get the leper healing, fever-lowering, demon pig massacring montage of the Bible. Ridiculous. I wasn't really the son of God. Would I blow this leper with AIDS right here? That would be crazy otherwise, right? Some guy's like, I don't know. Maybe the leper's not the son of God, and he would.

He's got the AIDS and the leprosy. Jesus said, okay, okay, fine, fine. But would I be able to murder all 2,000 of those pigs right there? And the guy's like, well, well, probably not, but just kill a few of them, or do a trick without murdering. Do any other trick.

He has to die. In chapter 10, we learn that Jesus used the term good news much in the same way that Professor Farnsworth does. He splits his disciples up and he says, go out there and cast out demons and shit. No, by the way, you're going to be whipped and tortured a lot. All right, so we got our team together, right? Wait, wait. What's with the shifty looking ginger over there? Who brought that guy?

He's the new 12? Did we get a background check on him? Why is he sweating like Patrick Ewing over there? I don't have time for this. If he's a fucking narc, it's on you guys. You fix this. And apparently he pioneered Ken Ham's there's a book defense because when they asked him for a sign, he said,

here's a book about a guy living in a well for three days. If that's not miraculous, I don't know what is. Come on, guys. Hold on, wait. I do know what is. If you thought that whale not miraculous, I don't know what is. Come on, guys. Hold on, wait. I do know what is. If you thought that whale was exciting, wait until you watch me sit in a ditch for three minutes. Wait until you see this.

I'm like, Dave, then I'm going to levitate slightly from a weird angle, and you're not going to know how I... By the way, check your wallet. Nine of spades. Nailed it. Oh, shit. And then we get a bunch of, did you ever notice how a leaf is like a cloud bullshit about how bad people are the weeds that Satan planted? I mean, all the good people.

The guy's too impotent to whip up some Roundup or something, so he's just going to toss the weed people into hell after the harvest. And that's his plan. That all happened. Yeah. In your book. You haven't read. And then we get the bit where they behead John the Baptist, and Jesus is so distraught that he retreats into his fortress of solitude. Yeah.

And then he walks on water and all the disciples who have watched him now cure blindness with a touch and drag an arm with his jizz and feed 5,000 people with a butt piece of a loaf of bread and some cat food. Now that he's walked on water, they're finally convinced that he's truly the son of God. Make him levitate an X-Wing! Yeah, right? Exactly. Yoda could kick Jesus' ass. And again, Jesus very clearly puts the nickel down on the washing your hands before you eat can never lead to a negative health outcome declaration.

Yeah, he was very clear about that. And then Jesus is a complete dick to a woman with a dead daughter. Like, that was, man, she asked him to help, but apparently she's not Jewish enough because he said, quote, it's not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs, end quote. However. But when she offers to lick up his crumbs, if you know what I mean, he begrudgingly saves her little kid. Yeah, like a dick, though. He's definitely a dick about it.

Everybody remember me doing this this one time for a non-Jew Christian. If you lick my balls. Everybody remember that. this this one time for a non-Jew Christian. Everybody remember that. Everybody gets one. And then Jesus asks all his disciples who he is, and Simon Peter was the first to the buzzer. Look at the Jews. And he said, who is the Messiah? So he gets to be Pope and tell God what to do.

Obviously. Then he explains the next big illusion. He's going to hand himself over to the bad guys, get tortured, killed, and then resurrected. And Peter gets a little pissed. Simon Peter, whatever his name is. Dude, that's clearly not going to work. That's just you dying. Do you have any idea how complicated the rewrites are going to be on that?

Can't you just do the fish thing again with different numbers? People love that one. That's your thing now. Do the fish. They love it when you do the fish. Then Jesus goes on this long rant about how we're all God's slaves, and he's a merciful slave owner, so we shouldn't get all bitchy about it. Yeah.

Come on. And while we're on the subject for 14 verses, while we're talking about slavery, you'd think Jesus could toss out a quick, oh, by the way, stop doing that, the slave thing. But he had important mustard seed analogies in mind, so he couldn't. He also suggested cutting off several more limbs and organs if they're getting in the way at this point, just to remind you that that's an option. And it's really because, you know, they just get seared right off when you get to hell anyway. Or you go to heaven, where it's fun to be a blind, lifeless torso with stumps. Only a flesh wound, after all.

Tis but a scratch. It's only a flesh wound after all. Tis but a scratch. And this is also where we learn why being poor and homeless is actually a great deal. For rich people to go to heaven, you know, he's making them give away mansions and shitloads of gold. But for you poor bastards, just throw away that huge plastic bag of cans and those seven wool hats and you're in. How easy is that? Tell me, you're really attached to that stuff?

The stupid cart? Get rid of the stupid cart with the old boombox. And I thought this was interesting that Jesus actually in chapter 20 points out the whole be a terrible murderer all your life and then convert on your deathbed loophole and then endorses it. Right. Goes way out of his way to say no, that's supposed to happen. You don't want to tell people about that one.

Yeah, but then all of his disciples go all grand theft donkey on his ass. Then the Pharisees show up and try to defeat Jesus with theological barter. Yeah, they try to like trap him. They start by quizzing him on the progressive income tax structure and eventually he grades to gonna get crucified. He says, what?

I get you want me to say what? I'm not stupid. You're very clear. Then we get the apocalypse warning where Jesus says, it's going to suck. There'll be wars and famines and Nicolas Cage movies. I'll sweat it. It'll be great.

It'll be great. Again, very clearly telling his disciples that this would happen in their lifetime, by the way. What is wrong with me? You're writing the book afterwards, aren't you? That's your whole trick. How are you going to stop it all? You just actually write it. Come on. As it happens.

You switch on stuff all the time. Yeah. And, of course, we learn that much like a harem of virgins competing for one penis, we should always keep a jar of lube with us at all times because Jesus could be coming any minute. Yep. Also in your book. Yep, it is. Then we get the Last Supper where he turns all of the apostles into Jesus vampires when they come from his blood.

Yeah, that's weird. And Judas says, does that cannibal bread have gluten? I can't have any gluten. But you guys go ahead. I'm just going to go walk away for a few hours as I whistle naturally. I definitely won't be back with cops to arrest you. I'm doing something else entirely. So they arrest Jesus, and after a few false starts,

they eventually convict him of talking shit about being better at Minecraft than them or some shit like that. I can build a temple in three days, motherfucker. You can't do that. So then Pontius Pilate takes Jesus to the crowd, and he says, What do you think, Jews? Should we kill this dude or that murderer guy over there? They all say, kill Jesus.

Kill the really nice guy, not the murderer! Both named Jesus, of course. But the other Jesus, the one that gets crucified. And Pilate says, he's like, you sure? Did you want to do that? Because that might mean generations are getting pogromed and holocausted and shit. And they're like, yeah, we don't give a fuck.

As long as we get to dress him up and hit him on the head before you crucify him, we're good with the pogroming and whatnot. Yeah, the Jew hate bits come on strong by the end of this one. Yeah, no kidding. And then we get the crucifixion. Everybody calls Jesus a dick. Then he dies. And zombies fill the city.

Zombies. That also happens in your book that you haven't read. Zombies who are awakened by an earthquake just come wandering into the fucking city. And appear to some people. Yeah, right. Other people are hiding from the fucking zombies. Then Joseph of Arimathea shows up and buys Jesus' corpse. But Pilate puts some guards around it just in case a zombie thing is still going around.

Yeah, you never know. Right. So the only time his body wasn't accounted for was that first night when he got buried right next to his harem in SEAL Team 6. Nothing suspicious other than that. No. And then they very expressly say, and I know it looks like Jesus' disciples just took his body, but that's definitely, definitely not what happened. Absolutely not.

Even though that's exactly what it looks like. It just happened. That's nothing. Yeah, exactly. Don't even look at that false bottom. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Just go back in the front.

Go back in the front. The hinges just were there when we got here. Where did the lighter fluid come from? If anybody happened to maybe notice a contradiction or two between this one and the entire rest of the book, don't be surprised by that. According to friend of the show Steve Wells of Skeptics Annotated Bible fame, Matthew contains 139 contradictions more than any other single book of the Bible. Insane.

So comforted with the knowledge that we've now read 17 of the 20 longest books of the Bible, we'll stick that on the show for a couple of weeks. We'll be back with Luke in episode 109. Between now and then, Heath, Lucinda, read something that doesn't suck. You've earned it. My eyeballs are still burning. Hope Luke's the exact same story. That'll be fun.

Yeah. That will be fun. But longer. Hopefully it'll be longer and the same story. The exact same story but way longer. That'd be great. Oh.

It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that proceeds to the next part. Our first message comes from Brent who wanted to take us to task for our abhorrent pronunciation of the word zoology in episode 104. Edging your bets. He writes, quote, when you mispronounce zoology, it was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Zoology has two O's and not three. Therefore, the correct and accepted pronunciation is zo to rhyme with blow or toe and not zoo to rhyme with two, poo or doo-doo, end quote. Very eloquent. If you didn't catch that, by the way, we're dealing with the word zoology here, or zoology, I'm sorry. And we love Brett here. According to his email, he has the turkey safety hotline on speed dial. So I'm not going to mention that the word zoology actually does have three O's because we see his point, and that's not it.

But I imagine you are going to mention what, like, the people in dictionaries are saying about this. So, like, I have to admit that I've never consciously heard someone pronounce it zoology. No. And that sounds crazy weird to me, but I looked into it, and that's almost basically the correct pronunciation in American English, decidedly not so in British English. Also, several of the online American English dictionaries I checked listed both as acceptable pronunciation.

That being said, I'm a speech pedant, and thus I will make every effort to pronounce it more American next time. I promise. Okay, but just to be extra pedantic and defensive, we love you, Brent. I'm just doing this for fun. I'd like to add that the standard American pronunciation does often allow for either a long O like zo, but also for a schwa sound like za, which actually begins to naturally sound like zoo when you add the wology to za. Zoology.

Zoology. Just naturally the zoology. And finally tonight, we got a message from Mitch that just said, look out, Pastor Manning. Have you seen Pastor Olugbenga Aladejo? And link to a video. I want to say right up front, by the way, this guy is pretty crazy, but he does not hold a candle. It's not even close.

To Pastor, the homo demons are putting sperm in my latte, but still, thanks for the link, Mitch. This was a lot of fun. So, according to Pastor Oladejo, the only sexual position sanctioned by God is you know, just man on top missionary standard shit. The reasoning behind

this is twofold. First of all, it correctly captures the proper misogynistic dominance dynamic that needs to exist in any godly relationship between a man and a woman. Of course. But more importantly, it gives you a better intimate angle that makes sure you can always notice that bored look in her eyes

while it's happening. And that's what a good Christian husband does, especially once the vaginal trauma of like 25 child birthings makes the entry and exit of his penis indetectable. All right. Well, fuck this guy. Which, of course, brings us to our top ten biblical sexual positions.

Just for Pastor Oladeo. Yeah, because we haven't gotten to that part, but I've seen a few other ones here. How about number ten? Getting behind the Satan. It's obviously a reference or an endorsement of butt sex. Number nine, lumberjacking Elijah's wood. I remember when that happened. Number eight, riding into Jerusalem mounted upon an ass.

What do you think that meant? Riding into an ass mounted upon... All right, number seven, the golden shower rule. Poo onto others. You guys know how it goes. Adding a little extra there. Number six, eating honey from the lion. Number five, the cleanly Sanchez.

Next to the godly Sanchez. Number four, I believe that you call biblical bondage rape fantasies 50 shekels of gray. So there's that. Number three, the people's rear of Judea. Number two, sperman on the mount and at number one and this is often frowned upon mass to mouth

you never go to mass that's what they say and that's all the feedback you get if you want more keep sending us those emails tweets and Facebook messages you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. That's why we call it the contact page.

Before we board that long train to next week, I wanted to address anyone who is looking for a poem about Mark sometime in the last couple of episodes. After considering the fact that the Gospels basically just tell the same damn story four times, I thought it would be best if I waited to do any poems for the Gospels until after I'd read all four and got a sense of what made each one different. So the show will be poem-free for a few more babbles, and then we'll hit you with four in rapid succession. Also wanted to let anyone who might be interested in it know that if they wanted to hear the interview on ProphetCast that I was talking about in the diatribe, you'll find it linked on the show notes for this episode. Great listen if you're a

podcaster, of course, but I'd venture to say that there's good advice there for anyone who's doing something that might use Patreon. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week. But if you want more, there's more. The Skeptocrat went live this week and is now available on all the various podcasting platforms. Or you can find links to it on Skeptocrat.com. We've already got five episodes there for you, and a sixth one is coming on Monday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath for now kicking 50% more ass each week. I also want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for not divorcing me yet over the holy babble thing.

I also want to thank the anonymous Dr. Steve for providing this week's Farnsworth quote slash pre-diatribe diatribe. Normally we don't devote that much of the show to the Farnsworth quote, obviously, but this is a really important issue. We touched on it a couple of weeks back. This dude has literally been sentenced

to attend Catholic Mass as a condition of a custody hearing in the United fucking Kingdom. And for some reason, the entire UK hasn't taken up pitchforks and shit against it. If you want to help where you can, I encourage you to check out the link to the Change.org petition urging the British government to action on this one. You'll find a link on the show notes for this episode as well as on the Skepticule Facebook page. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Cody, Alex, Anders, Kyle, Graham, Stephen, Austin, Ron, The Just, Andy, and Petri.

Cody, Alex, Anders, and, Graham, Stephen, Austin, Ron, The Just, Andy, and Petri. Cody, Alex, Anders, and Kyle, who are so knowledgeable, Will Hunting comes to them with his economic modalities of the Southern Colonies questions. Graham, Stephen, and Austin, whose erections are the high places your Bible was mourning you about. And Ron, The Just, Andy, and Petri are so sexy that when they walk into the bar, Bill Cosby just takes his own fucking roofies and keeps his fingers crossed. Together, these 11 prime examples of the charitable nature of non-believers have helped us maintain, sustain, attain, remain profane, and obtain cocaine this week by giving us money.

Not everyone has the graceful and cunning mastery of swordsmanship and sexual congress that it takes to give us money, but if you think you've got what it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, where you can earn longer episodes sooner and other occasional stuff, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingattheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. It's a happy ending, generally. Boo cocky, that's a fun one. It's a happy ending, generally.

Bukkake. That's a fun one. It's a funny ending. Because of how it sounds funny. That's why it's funny. That's exactly it. Nobody Google Bukkake. Bukkake.

All right.