The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 110: Do You Believe Edition

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

In this week's episode, Phil Robertson will fantasize about handling atheist penises, the gays will take marriage right out of the Christian's cold dead hands, and Eli Bosnick will join us in asking why we keep paying to get insulted as we review Do You Believe; the new film from the writing team that puked God's Not Dead into being.

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, and by adult, of course, we mean jokes about dicks and poop. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new religious psychology book for mentally unstable clergymen wanting to understand why they went nuts. Abstainal Retentive or Danal Compulsive, a Freudian analysis of clergy abuse. From the guys that brought you Please Masturbate Now for the children, and also The Poophole Loophole, Why That Doesn't Count, comes a book that critics are calling brutally offensive and completely justified. Abstainal retentive or danal compulsive. Good Christians should be anal expulsive like Dick Santorum,

but a man with a cloth still comes in handy afterwards. And now, The Scathing Atheist. I'm Matt Dillahunty, host of the Atheist Experience, and after decades of research, I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 26th. And you can still use expired condoms if you're flying solo. I'm no illusion.

I'm Heath Enright. And from fried mullet billboards, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. This is what it said. On this week's episode, Phil Robertson will fantasize about fondling atheist dicks. The gays will take marriage right out of Christian's cold, dead hands. And Eli Bosnick joins us in asking why the hell we keep paying to be insulted. But first, the diatribe. I'm often asked what it would take to change my mind. What evidence could the theist present that would make me believe in God?

And I usually say, you know, well, any at all would be a nice start. But if pressed, I have to admit that I don't know exactly what that evidence would look like. You know, I can give it vague characteristics like repeatable and verifiable, but I can't point you to the holy grail of theistic evidence. Of course, the religious folks love to pretend that that's a fatal problem for us, right? As though the fact that I can't even imagine what the evidence for their position would look like is somehow a flaw in my argument look i'm not the smartest person on the planet hell i'm not even the smartest person on this podcast so if before the evidence existed in its present state you'd ask me what it would have taken for me to accept the theory that all the

matter in the universe was once squeezed into a single microscopic point i'd have drawn a complete fucking blank right i mean i certainly wouldn't, well, I suppose if you could show that all the galaxies are moving away from each other at the rate that increases with distance, and then you discovered the microwave background radiation from the explosion that released all that energy, that would do it. And it's not because that evidence isn't convincing to me. It's that I'm not smart enough to come up with it. But lucky for the Big Bang, it wasn't relying on me to prove it.

People who were way smarter than me spent decades gathering data and testing hypotheses, and in the end they came up with a cogent argument that convinced the field, and by extension, me. And it's not like there aren't any smart people working from the theistic end of the God argument, right? Hell, in the West, they had a monopoly on the smart people for centuries and centuries, and still they have nothing. Hell, fuck all the smart theologists. They've got an all-knowing deity on their side, right? Plus the several thousand year head start.

And not only have they failed to make their case, but they failed to even define what making their case would look like. But for the sake of argument here, let's say that we did know what the evidence would look like, and then let's say we found it, right? We all wake up tomorrow, and for the first time in its 3,000-year existence, theology makes a discovery, and it's an irrefutable one. And we all watch over the next few weeks while all the philosophers form a consensus,

and the scientists in whatever field was relevant to the discovery vet and verify the findings, and the theist provides such a convincing case that atheism is no longer even logically justifiable. Now again, I can't even imagine what that evidence would look like, especially since we're talking about something that would prove theism, right? Not deism. We're talking about a personal God. And what's more, we're going to make it the Christian God, or one of the many different concepts of the Christian God. So first imagine a world where all-knowing and all-powerful aren't logical contradictions, and then layer in the sex-obsessed, judgmental prickishness that their god is so famous for, mix in a little redemption, salvation, mix in that wacky trinity concept,

and somehow that's shown to be the most likely explanation for the world. Now what? I mean, sure, I would stop being an anti-theist, but I think I'd still be an anti-godist. You know, would you start going to church? Would you start worshiping this god? Would you change your life and live by his commandments? Would you tithe to him? Would you pray to him? Or would you put your hands together, get down on your knees,

and offer a prayer that sounded more like this? Hey, God, now that I know you're listening, fuck you. Seriously, what are the impeachment proceedings in heaven? How do we oust you and put somebody competent in charge? Because no offense, at least half the people in my billiards league could do a better job than you. What, cancer? Are you fucking kidding me? Just indiscriminate cancer for good people and bad people, young and old, believers and non-believers. You know, don't get me wrong, if you had cancer in your back pocket, right,

and you just doled it out once in a Hitler, I'd be okay with it, but you're giving that shit to three-year-olds, you demonic fuck. And speaking of children, you think you could come up with an angel manufacturing method that doesn't require so many starving infants? And sure, I guess this is minor compared to the starving kids with cancer, but testicles? Really? What the fuck were you huffing when you came up with that idea? And about this original sin thing that you're so pissy about, quit blaming us for your fuck-up. If I left my meds in the middle of the playroom, told my kids not to eat them, it's my fault if they overdose. And even if it wasn't, temporarily killing your own son seems like a shit solution. Seems to me an all-powerful being could have done a little better.

Or a lot better. Or maybe couldn't possibly have come up with a stupider solution. I mean, who's holding your feet to the fire on the blood sacrifice thing anyway? Aren't you God? Also, while we're on the subject of you being an incompetent fuck-up, where the hell have you been the last 2,000 years while these warring factions were using your word

to justify torture and killing each other? None of the witches that were burned alive? None of those heretics that were disemboweled? None of those women that were stoned to death prayed sufficiently? None of them were worthy of your mercy? Or was the us killing each other in increasingly macabre ways part of your psychotic plan

all along? Oh, and the kid fucking? Don't even get me started on the kid fucking. Any human that did as shitty a job as you at anything would get fired. At best, they'd get fired. If the fuck up included accidentally killing 250 kids a day with cancer, I would think

your pink slip would come in the form of a bomb swarming into your office, covering you with tar, cutting off your dick, and set you on fire. And even if you're too much of an asshole to step down, you get at least shit-canned at PR department of yours after the 900th child rape. Look, asshole, I'm not gonna ask you to forgive me. I've got shit like you should have called mom more often and stole that Twix bar when I was 11 in my sins column. You've got all the disease.

So get on your fucking knees for a change and beg humanity to forgive you. Oh, oh, and I'm still waiting on that pony I asked you for in 1982, asshole. Amen. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Amen. Well, yeah, that'll make sure to. In our lead story tonight, thousands have taken to the streets in Afghanistan this week to protest the brutal slaying of a 27-year-old woman who was falsely accused of burning a Quran. The incident apparently began when Farkhunda, who goes by just the one name, got in an argument with some vendors at a temple over the magical properties of the amulets they were selling.

And during the debate, one of them shouted that she'd burned several pages of the Muslim holy book. And based on no evidence but an angry man shouting, more than a dozen people dutifully attacked and murdered her with sticks and cars and setting her on fire. At least we know that the amulets were bullshit, so if the inciting a mob to murder charge doesn't stick or doesn't exist there, there's still the fraud charge option. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, an incident like this is common enough that it scarcely makes the international news.

But what makes this one worth talking about is the reaction. Because apparently this incident left even the most strident zealots saying, hey, you guys know how that system works where anybody can just point at anybody and say, hey, they burned a Quran and we have to kill them? I'm starting to see how that could be abused. Yeah, maybe. Were these people able to identify any other potential abuses that might arise from fanatical belief in the related culture of violence and misogyny,

or was it just the Koran burner flash mob policy that was problematic to them? Now, thousands have taken to the streets to demand justice for Farkhunda, and many of them have widened the scope of their outrage to some of the bigger problems in Afghani culture. There are also massive protests against the fuck flakes that took to the airwaves after the incident to say, OK, but medieval mob lynchings are still fine for people who really do set Qurans on fire. But basically, look, one way or the other, when the Taliban is issuing statements saying that you're taking this Muslim thing too far, it's been time to pump the brakes for a minute now. I want to consider that. And in Black Lives Matter to God, about 60% news tonight.

Christianity really needed a big-name celebrity spokesman to rally people behind their cause, so God chose one for them. And when he couldn't get Mel Gibson or Donald Sterling, he finally settled on George Zimmerman of Killing an Unarmed Teenager fame. You might be asking yourself, isn't that stupid? Good question. But let's not forget, this is God we're talking about. So it's not stupid, it's mysterious.

And that's why old Jeezy finally released some recorded statements following his highly debated acquittal on killing with a gun charges, explaining he has no remorse because it would be blasphemous to question God's plan like that. I mean, come on. This kid was carrying Skittles. It's clearly, clearly aligned with the devil. If God didn't aid Skittles, he wouldn't have made them taste like Skittles. So, during a recorded interview with his divorce lawyer, Zimmerman was asked if, in retrospect, he would have preferred a different outcome than the one where he kills a kid.

This was his answer. Quote, I believe God has his plans, and for me to second-guess them would be hypocritical, almost blasphemous. End quote. Okay. Yeah, something about the obviously God wanted me to do it or he wouldn't have me do it, defense that scares the shit out of me right there. A little bit. So, let's run through the scenarios here. Either God doesn't exist.

We'll call that option A. Let's put a pin in that. Let's. And there's option B, God's an asshole and clearly not omnipotent. And then, of course, we have option C, which goes something like this. God's up there making a short list of names for the new spokesman position, and he says, I'm not being mysterious enough. What if we hire that guy who killed that unarmed black person?

Eric Garner? You mean Eric? No, no, no, the one right before that. Michael Brown? No, no, no, one more back. There's several more back. Trayvon Martin? You want to hire the guy who killed Trayvon Martin? Wouldn't that be so fucking mysterious? I'm doing it. I'm doing it. So either that happened, or I think we had a pin on option A, no guy.

Yeah, we're going to go with... Maybe let's go with option A. Yeah. And that's not the kind of snowballing I had in my news tonight. The investigative speculators at Fox News have uncovered yet another unlikely liberal plot to destroy Jesus by moderately inconveniencing an incredibly small portion of the population. Of course, most of our audience will know about this one from our secret godless communist liberal America-hating socials, but for those who don't, we secretly invented snow so that we could cancel religious holidays in a single school near Boston.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We thought we secretly did all that shit, but they figured us out. The gig's up. They're on to us. Yeah, but we're doing it anyway. So after next year, no more Christianity and Judaism in Easton, Massachusetts. And then it's only a matter of time. Once you get Easton, the rest of the country goes with you. This bizarre accusation came during an episode of Outnumbered, where the hosts and their guests were talking about the decision by one Massachusetts school to make up for a record number of snow days by eliminating a few of the scheduled days off in the remaining school year, right?

So apparently unaware that quibono reasoning doesn't work for weather, all three people on the show agreed that this was probably a conspiracy by the God-haters to get rid of religious holidays. Because, you know, nothing pisses off atheists like having to take a day off. Also, by the way, can't you go to school on Good Friday and then believe in Jesus later that afternoon or something? Apparently not. No, that's not an option. And in sunshine on a God's-ass news tonight, self-proclaimed Catholic warrior lady Susan

Hemrick walked into the Capitol building in Tallahassee, Florida last December, told two police officers she was about to vandalize one of the holiday displays, did that on camera while they watched, and then eventually got charged with, I guess, something like already confessed to vandalism. Right. Despite the pre-confession and all the evidence, the state prosecutors have now dropped all charges against her due to lack of evidence. Right. Where did all the evidence go? Doesn't matter. Being a Catholic warrior lady counts as automatic justified insanity. Raptured up to heaven, I'm sure. And look, when you strip away all the legal jargon and shit, the defense in this case basically argued, come on.

Come on. Don't be a dick about it. She's Christian. Come on. So here's how this actually happened in the real world legal system of Florida. Ms. Warrior's defense successfully argued, successfully argued that the display she dismantled was from a satanic temple and was therefore, quote, basically putting an attack on Christians. In response to this genius argument, the grossly incompetent prosecutors switched teams arguing against themselves about the tape that clearly shows the confessed crime occurring.

Here's a statement from the prosecutors. The prosecutors. Yeah. Quote, the defendant a statement from the prosecutors. The prosecutors. Yeah. Quote, the defendant is simply carrying the display. No damages are apparent. It is simply disassembled. Oh, is that all? It's entirely different.

So, like, but fuck everybody who tries to pretend that atheists don't have any kind of a real axe to grind when it comes to discrimination in this country, because you could change that woman's skin color, gender, her sexual identity, whatever. The outcome is probably going to be the same. But if you change that to an old atheist lady tearing up a Christian display because she's mentally disabled or whatever, there's no fucking way they drop the charges like this. So here's what you're allowed to do in Florida now. As an atheist, I'd be allowed to, say, carefully disassemble every public manger scene I ever see,

as long as my doubt-driven rage hallucinations made me think the baby Jesus made a lewd gesture or remark at him. He probably did. Or if a lunatic Christian sees a group of Muslims take his parking spot, he's probably not allowed to shoot them in the face, but he can, now, in Florida anyway, dismantle their vehicle piece by piece and carefully reassemble it elsewhere, like Birmingham, England or something. Great new legal precedent, guys. Good work. Maybe not

as bad as the shoot the black citizen brigade precedent they set. I'm sorry, that God set back in 2013. It's still pretty bad. And in harangue the bum slowly news tonight, the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of San Francisco has determined that running sprinklers over their asphalt to run off the homeless during a historic drought was probably bad publicity and thus decided to stop doing it. Two years after they decided to start doing it.

This sprinkler system ran for 75 seconds every half hour after dark and sprayed only the non-vegetated portions of the church grounds that would be conducive to sleeping if you were homeless. And as if that didn't make it clear enough, they also openly admitted that it was just there to run off the bums. Okay. So, obviously, it's good they finally stopped doing that. Yeah. But honestly, I'd prefer they use their tax evasion money on mistreating homeless people than lots of the other stuff they do.

Right. Perfectly honest. If this frees up money to lobby for things like the sodomite suppression act gay firing squad referendum i'm thinking it's better if the bums just take one for the team on this one right now archdiocese spokesman bishop william justice apologized not for soaking homeless people in the winter mind you but for the fact that their real intention which was to drench these homeless people into going somewhere safer, was misunderstood as a misanthropic gesture of payless cruelty. And then, upon sensing that that excuse wasn't working, he explained that homeless people

shit everywhere and leave their drug needles lying around, and he didn't want old people and children to step and bum detritus on their way to church. Okay, but running a sprinkler next to a pile of shit and heroin needles that really just spreads it all out into like a shitty heroin puddle is that really an improvement on front door seem like it solves the problem doesn't justice also pointed out that some of the archdiocese's best friends are homeless quote every year the archdiocese helps many thousands of people through food housing shelter programs for people at risk including homeless mothers and families and in friends are homeless. Quote, every year the Archdiocese helps many thousands of people through food, housing, shelter programs for people at risk, including homeless mothers and families, and in countless

other ways, end quote. So I guess his point here is that if feeding homeless people doesn't earn you the right to hose them down once in a while, what's the point of charity? Am I right? Wow. This guy knows. Isn't that right? And in immortal combat news tonight,

former Arkansas governor and failed GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was unable to attend the American Pastors Network conference last week and instead sent a video of himself from Mount Carmel in Israel overlooking the Jezreel Valley, where he believes the end times battle of Armageddon will soon take place. The video is basically a no-horse, blue- paintless, diabetic version of Braveheart's speech about every day from back to back. But instead geared toward violent Christian Americans instead of Scottish peasants. Yeah, like the same speech if Gibson hadn't had to deliver it in character.

Right. So, according to Huckabee, quote, I hope that, if called upon, I would be willing to stand all by myself to call fire from heaven and believe that God will answer, even if there are hundreds and hundreds of false prophets on the other side. End quote. I want him to try that so bad. It turns out we were absolutely correct in assuming Mike Huckabee is a complete lunatic who seems to think Christians should start practicing the summoning of cosmic fireballs to envelop the heathens, wargs, and goblins in the upcoming magical war that's definitely not fictional and definitely about to happen. Huckabee has always screamed lawful evil to me,

and quick before the jokes get even geekier than that, we're going to hand things over to the lovely Lucinda Lusions. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This week in Massage. Well, it's finally spring. And I only mention that because we have a lot of listeners in the northeastern U.S. that probably haven't noticed that yet. But here and all the other parts of the world, the flowers are blooming, the temperatures are rising, and the beaches are filling up with the joyous preambles of cirrhosis of the liver. That's right. The drunken buffoonery of spring break is upon us once again. And that makes the folks at Fox News nervous.

that makes the folks at Fox News nervous. So, motivated by their genuine concern, and not at all by the fact that spring break stories are always accompanied by videos of scantily clad tits, they're running around the clock stories to keep all the spring breakers safe. And as near as I can tell, their advice is A, don't go to spring break. B, if you must go, make sure you bring a penis. C, if you cannot or will not provide a penis, make sure you wear clothes at all times. And D, if you get raped, it's probably because you were ignoring A through C. Take Gavin McInnes, for example. While appearing on Sean Hannity's show, McInnes explained that spring break is no place for women since they're too weak and can't handle their alcohol.

And as we all know, when women get raped, the true culprit isn't the rapist. It's the liberals. That's right. According to McInnes, this stupid lie of equality leaves women thinking that they can bench press as much as a man. So it gives them a false sense of having the right to bodily autonomy. And strangely enough, the women on the show didn't take issue with that. But when he suggested that women can't hold their liquor, they got livid. Priorities, ladies, come on. Yes, I'm sure you can drink that asshole under the table, but let's focus on the rape apologetics first and foremost, eh? Thanks.

Which is why host Andrea Tantaros decided to focus on the real victims of rape, the people who definitely didn't get raped. While discussing the president's call to reform the way American campuses deal with rape allegations, Tantaros explained that rape accusations are just a feminist conspiracy to, well, she didn't really get into what purpose it would serve feminists to have a lot of rape accusations, but it's Fox News. So I imagine that she assumes we would need suffering the way vampires need blood. Anyway, in a statement that seemed like an audition for this segment, she said, quote, I'm going to speak slowly here so all the feminist blogs can get this one. There is a war happening on boys on these college campuses, end quote.

Now, keep in mind that this is the same genius that suggested that Snow was an anti-religious conspiracy to kill Jesus that Noah and Heath reported on earlier. So apparently, after we got done inventing Snow, we invented rape so that we would have a reason to run all the men out of college. And once the men were too stupid to resist, we could finally start our secret vaginocracy.

And I have to say, I'm so pissed that she's foiled our plans yet again. The flag for Vaginistan was so awesome, it whistled and everything. But I guess we'll have to delay our revolution by a few more years after all. So while I try to figure out a way around this latest hurdle, I'll hand things

back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Universal Donor visits Universal Receivers News tonight. Pope Frantise Serum is allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants, and it looks like he's getting pretty creative with it. Last weekend he went with a blood-themed road trip and decided his docket would consist of going to Naples, Italy,

where he would publicly insult the mafia, turn a vial of dried blood from 1 years ago into half liquid by kissing it, and then visit a jail to have lunch with some transgender AIDS-suffering inmates. That was his blood-themed road trip. He got a pizza delivered to his Popemobile. I would love to have this guy's PR, people. Leader of international child rape cabal eats pizza.

That's how it should read, and yet it's the feel-good story all over the internet. Excuse me, Pope Fragaloni here. Did meeting with those transgendered AIDS inmates change your feeling about the transgendered or contraception or prisons? No, just a photo op. You're still set against the right answer to all of those. Yeah, he is. You're going to eat that last slice?

Yeah. Okay, all right. He is of those. Yeah, he is. You gonna eat that last slice? Yeah. Okay, all right. He is gonna eat it. Damn it. Naturally, most Catholics only really cared about the miraculous blood-melting thing. Right. Apparently, the blood is the preserved remains of Christian martyr Saint Gennaro, once the Bishop of Naples.

And according to centuries of weird, blood-vile hoardinging priests this guy's batch only turns from its normal dried form into liquid between 0 and 18 times a year. Or maybe more, but they've never checked more than 18 times. So, based on this robust statistical modeling they've got going,

Catholic historians have been able to show that when bad stuff happens right after it didn't turn liquid, that was the blood curse in action. So we're about half cursed by the dead Italian guy for 2015. Useful information. I'm sure we'll be able to put it together in a chart or something. Half bad stuff.

And I'm sure that the fact that there's a known and woefully unimpressive magic trick exactly like that, where the warmth of the human hand liquefies a coagulated substance, is surely just a coincidence. Sounds magical. It's like James Rand. He said, I can't say for sure that you're not bending the spoon with telekinesis here, but I can say that if you are, you're doing it the hard way. And in the other P-Robes file tonight, Duck Dynasty patriarch and prodigious progenitor of face moss Phil Robertson

gave a speech at the Vero Beach Prayer Breakfast this week that included appetizing themes like cutting the penis off of an atheist after raping and murdering his children and sawing his wife's head off. That was his breakfast speech. And yes, those are actually all things that he talked about.

And yes, that's the wording that he used. All I did was smarten up the vocabulary a bit so as not to describe the beheading as decapitating her head off. So what was the subject of this Lovecraftian monologue that would have put Hannibal Lecter off his bacon? Why, the justice and love of God, of course. As they apply to a serial killer beheading your wife and castrating your junk off. Your penis off.

Exactly. I appreciate the specificity. His point, if you can assign something like point to this sociopathic rambling, is that without God there is no supreme moral authority. But lacking the brevity, lexicon, and psychological stability to just say that, he instead envisioned an atheist family getting brutally executed, but unable to take comfort in the fact, of course, that their assailants would go to hell. So we're going to join him in media rest here.

Once his theoretical atheists are bound and gagged, quote, they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them. And then they take his wife and decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they look at him and say, isn't it great that I don't have to worry about being judged? Isn't it great that there's nothing wrong with this? So, yeah, I mean, he's right about this. It's a calculated risk we atheists all have to deal with.

Whenever our family gets raped and murdered right in front of us, we do lose the moral high ground it's true it's infuriating in fact when that comes back to bite you in the ass like that i mean he makes a very good point worst part about having your family raped and murdered now apparently robertson didn't think that the pancake eating crowd was going to fully comprehend his point if the atheist didn't also get his dick chopped off so he elaborated it's not clear yet not at all he elaborated. It's not clear yet. It's not clear yet. Not at all. He elaborated on the story, quote, then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, wouldn't it be something if there was something wrong with this? Okay, but did he just switch to second person to explain the atheist penis cutting part? Is he reading the part from an instruction manual now?

What's happening? He was getting into it, I'll tell you what. And then, as the people who were picturing a psychopath with an atheist cock dangling from his bloody hands finished their sausage, he capped it off with a pondering. Quote, if that happened, they would probably say, something about this just ain't right. End quote. That's how we talk.

Now, I'm going to have to differ with him here. The rest of this part, sure. But a person who just watched their daughter get raped and their wife get decapitated and their dick used as a wacky wall walker would definitely not say something about this just ain't right. Like, a hundred times out of a hundred this happens.

Those are not going to be the next words out of that guy's mouth. Just imagine sitting there, dead bodies everywhere, your fucking dick hanging off and shit, and you're going like, yeah, something about this just doesn't strike me as right. Maybe it's the penis climbing down the wall. It's just weird.

Why would you throw... Why wouldn't you? It's fun. And in there will be PUD news tonight. American Family Association spokesperson, religious right broadcaster, and Farrah Fawcett Cryptkeeper, Sandy Rios, spoke about the upcoming SCOTUS gay marriage decision at a conservative Christian event last week, where she told her audience to, quote, prepare for martyrdom. End quote.

where she told her audience to, quote, prepare for martyrdom, end quote. Apparently, she feels there's going to be murderous violence perpetrated by gay activists against Christians if the Supreme Court rules in favor of gay marriage. That's right. You heard me correctly. She expects deadly retaliation if the homosexuals win the case. And, I guess, peaceful calm if they lose. That's what she thinks will happen she also reminds her audience that the bible calls for bold action those are her words bold action okay it's

murder sandy it goes for that's what you mean murder i mean you know sure murder is a bold action but when you're saying shit that could clearly be taken as a call to violent revolt it's probably better to avoid euphemisms, you know, regardless of the intent, regardless of whether you're trying to get the violent revolt going or not. These are some of the exact words chosen by Rios on the topic, four of which were homosexual, tip, spear, and face. Let's see how she does it. Let's, yes. Quote, homosexual, there's the first one, homosexual marriage is going to bring about the tip of the spear of the battle we're going to face.

End quote. So it'll just be the tip of the spear, probably just for a second, just to see how it's done. But there will be spears. And just to be clear, this remark came within the context of the martyrdom thing. So she means that to be a metaphor representing actual murdering. Or even worse, tranny dudes in the ladies room. That was her other point. It would be way worse.

I mean, when you're scaremongering about gay marriage has to resort to shit that has nothing whatsoever to do with it, like transgender equality or people marrying goats or photographers being forced to deep through gay dudes at weddings. Isn't that an admission of defeat? gay dudes at weddings. Isn't that an admission of defeat? If you can't even make the point you're trying to make without tacking on a bunch of fanciful bullshit, haven't you already admitted that you have nothing? So, just to recap, that was gay victory killing sprees

and transgender dicks being swung around the ladies' room. Pretty sure there's no need to explain why we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock, and we'll be looking for of course names and slogans for the homosexual assassin service that's gonna start killing christians as the next logical step after getting marriage rights go of course um i guess you could hire the butt rape assassination specialist from plop friction vince and family jewels i believe were the names. I'm sorry, did I snake your constipation?

What about Woodfellas and the Dawn of Gay Imperil? When you need a guy's guy to rub someone out. Or maybe Damn Near Killed Him, putting both the asses

and the inn back in Assassin. Maybe Flames Earl Ray, the family that prays together, gay Ray slays together. Wow. Or maybe Mark David Schaffman, because who wants a hitman

who's a titman? You get distracted. Double tap that Assassin's Creed. Live by the Lord, die by the sword fight. Make for a good game. Maybe Gay Prides of March. Drillers, killers, and spillers of pillars.

They're old school. They're like Roman themed. Or the gross point crank yankers. Spanks, wanks, shanks, and no shooting blanks. Or, oh, no, I got a good one. Big gay Al Capone's hench boys for hire. Putting the might back in sodomite and then taking it out, putting it back in over and over again.

All right. I got one more about Sir Hand, Sir Hand jobs, whacking off dead Kennedys and making Benjamin's gland over fist. Wow. And quick. While I check the too soon calendar on RFK jokes, we're going to close out the headlines for the night.

Heath, thanks as always. Chris Berman, whoop! Jumanji! And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to review Do You Believe?, a film with a title that either refers to God or the ability of this Hallmark Channel afternoon drama reject to earn a theatrical release. Next week's episode will mark the one-year anniversary of Eli's review of God's Not Dead, an event that unwittingly kicked off an immersion in Christian cinema that, if not undertaken voluntarily, would violate the Geneva Convention. In the past year, we've watched Greg Kinnear indulge in childhood delusions born of massive head trauma. We've watched Nicolas Cage give meaning to the term bad for a Nicolas Cage movie.

We've watched Dexter's dad look at a cross like he wanted to fuck it for two hours. And we've watched Kirk Cameron prove that there are worse career choices a child star can make than fatal overdose. And yet, in none of those films do I recall being quite as pissed as i was during the latest offering from the writing team that reminded us kevin sorbo was still alive with god's not dead their new film do you believe seemfully weaves together 82 plot lines none of which pack any more dramatic punch than a tampon ad so to help us tease apart this three-year-old christmas light wad of a movie is our good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back.

Oh, thanks for having me, guys. So was Do You Believe everything that you hoped it would be? Guys, this was so not fun. I have a ton of fun. I love Nick Cage. I had fun. I had Kirk Cameron. I had fun.

It's fun. Oh, Kirk Cameron's crazy and he's talking about he's like applying new criticism to Christmas ornaments because something happened to him as a kid. Fun. Everyone's having a good time. This was drunk uncle at Thanksgiving wants to get you back into religion. Levels

of not fun. Yes, it really was. This was the condom broke just as you came. Levels of not fun. Like that moment you have where you're just like, oh, it broke, broke, and it's already out of me. That's how not fun is not fun. Just keep going.

No point. It was a challenge to get through this fucking movie. And hatefully, grossly offensive throughout as a team. And just every time it would hit you with something more effect you'd be like well at least they're not going to talk about oh she's go go like a so we get the crazy opening monologue and the first scene is the doctor and the first thing

that this movie wants us to know is that the doctor is mean for being a busy doctor yes we're supposed to be like that son of a bitch. How dare you not stay and pray with your patient? Yeah. Everybody in this movie that was educated, like the more educated they were, the more evil they were. Oh, Hondo, Hondo P. Any any semblance of education or wealth or knowledge about anything except Christ, you were instantly evil. Yes.

Instantly evil. So then we move from there to a shot of the ER, right? And Joe is sitting in the ER, and we know Joe has a bad past because he's got a single tribal tattoo. Yes. has a bad past because he's got a single tribal tattoo. He has a tramp stamp that somehow moved to his right bicep. He's a hardened murderer criminal. Yes. Yes.

He's in the ER and this woman leaves for a good, a solid five minutes, leaves her daughter alone with a giant man who talks to a little girl puts his arm around a little girl while talking to her at which point i wrote in my notes in giant letters stranger danger right i need adult so then we cut into once again and again, and this movie is so racist, we cut into black guys planning a robbery. Yes. And the black guys in this movie are named Pretty Boy, Criminal. Yes. There's a black guy.

K. Riminal. K. Riminal. Yes. Riminal. And Nefarious. Well, it's the named black characters of this movie. So they steal a car in front of Riggs. Yes.

Wrong black man, but yes, a black man. Hasselbeck from Gone in 60 Seconds, actually. Right. Yes. They steal a car in front of uh god from bruce almighty because he's a crazy person walks up and is like god doesn't want you to do that to which the gentleman displays a gun he goes you're a fool at which point he says my one of my favorite lines i wrote it down too. Fool for Christ. Yes! Which is such

like a last word needing to have situation to have with someone. Where it's like, oh man, you're a fool. Fool for Christ, motherfucker. Oh shit! Fool for Christ! Zinger. Oh, he got you, criminal with a K. Snap. I wish your grandmother hadn't named

you criminal with a K. So we, they drive away and then we see pretty boy has doubts. Yes. What if he's right? What if God doesn't want us to do this? And I was like, well, of course he does. I mean, assuming there's a God, of course he doesn't want you to steal a van. And everyone else in the car acts like that's a crazy thing to say.

Like, come on, man. You know God loves it when we steal vans. This motherfucker right here. About stealing vans. All right. So we also get in this goddamn mess. I can't even tell you where this happens or if this is before or after anything. for or after anything.

But as Pastor Matt is driving home, he also comes across a pregnant girl digging food out of a dumpster. So he takes her home, and then the wife, the wife is like, honey, this is a direct quote, she goes, honey, you promised not to do this again. How many homeless, pregnant, black teens does he bring into the house? A good amount. There's now a bring into the house? A good amount.

There's now a house rule about this. A good amount. They've talked it through before, yeah. How many warnings did he have before that was like, all right, it's going on the whiteboard. No pregnant teenagers. If you dirty a dish, wash it. No pregnant teenagers. So he's like, all right, fine.

And so he checks her into a hotel room by herself. Yes. Here you go. Here's a key to a hotel room. Have fun, kiddo. Here's some Cheetos. And quits donuts. A bag of donuts just throws her into the hotel room like fucking old boy, like pregnant.

And that's when we see, and this is where this movie again i'm having fun up into this point this is where this movie gets no fun because we look down and she's got a pamphlet for family planning services she's not 11 months pregnant here and thinking still maybe about the abortion right yeah exactly which shows just how little education the makers of this movie have about abortion. Her fetus is already pregnant at this point. Right, because she has a baby in about a week. This movie probably takes place within a week.

So she's around nine months pregnant, and the Christians are just like, oh, you never know. She might still go to that clinic and have a doctor be like, where the fuck were you eight months ago? She's got a computer in her hotel room and she's just Googling abortion. She is Googling abortions. So they go to kill. Oh, wait. Before that happens, the preacher gives the sermon, which I think is second only in craziness to Greg Kinnear's sermon about his son in Heaven is for Real where he just casually paints

blood onto the crucifix which in any sane church you would hope someone would be like, Reverend, are you okay? You're splashing blood on one of our props. But he's splashing blood and he gives a weird, again, if this was a scene from red state

it would have made perfect sense he's like did you would you stand up and fight or would you go down and dance everybody cut loose i mean it's just i being like, I have to follow the train of what this guy's saying. Good luck. But I couldn't do it because he kept being like, that blood, that blood right there. And I'd be like, okay, that blood, the blood of Christ. And he'd be like, would you stand for that blood? And I'd be like, what? Lost me again.

And then they have this, what they think I guess is clever, as he's doing the sermon, me again and then they have this what they think i guess is clever as he's doing the sermon we're also getting the black guys trying to take out nefarious and sort of a cross-cutting montage that makes absolutely no sense but you know they've seen other people do it in movies so they did it too right and their technique but their technique for killing nefarious is to drive a man through the side of his house. Right at the middle of it. That's their game plan. This is the planning moment of them getting, okay, here's what we're going to do.

Three of us are going to get in a van, which we steal, and we're going to drive through the side of his house. Wait, what? No, don't interrupt me while I'm playing. Let's be waiting in a car outside, and then after we jump out of the van that has driven through the side of a home. Again, please don't interrupt.

80, I've told you before. We're driving a house through the van. We put a pin in that. We all voted. And then we get into what is the most painful part of this movie, which is the paramedic scene. Yeah. And boy, I'll tell you what. If you weren't pissed off yet, this one will do the trick.

So rough. So he gets called to this guy who's been trapped under an oil tank, which is the only redeeming part of this scene. This guy is just crushed under the oil tank. Like Wile E. Coyote messed up on the job. We shouldn't have ordered from Acme, stupid. So the paramedic's standing there with him, and he's like, yeah, you're dead. Which, I mean, in all fairness, giant water tank's on him. And he's like, are you a Christian?

And he's like, I don't really. And this is the, it's not like, there's not like a moment. He's just like, I don't really, I have a water tank on me. I don't really have time to talk about it. Would you please give me medical care? I'll talk to you later about this. Like, here, I want you to, he like presses the cross into the guy's hand and he's like, think about Jesus.

And the dead, the dying guy is like, Gigi. And then dies. And the wife, the wife, we see the wife come over and the cops are like, ma'am, you can't go over there. And then after the crosses and the guy said, the cops are just like, well, he's dead now. Let her just let this woman, this guy's wife come through and see your husband trapped under a water tank. Worst police barrier ever right and then they pull the she pulls the cross out of his hand and asks the very reasonable question what is this at which i wrote exactly how you should react when someone presses a religious symbol

into your dying loved one's hand oh my god you know i wrote so many times throughout this all that paramedic has to be is a muslim and everyone who saw this movie would be like he can't get him he put the little moon he put the heart stars and horses clothes and balloons into the guy's hand before he died now he's gonna go to the lucky charms place and try to go to baby and the police chief by the way police chief, by the way, or the fire chief, by the way, makes a very good point. He's like, you know, it'll all blow over. You should just apologize.

Which he fucking should. He totally should. And he goes, you should apologize. And he goes, or what? And the fire chief looks at him like, that wasn't an or what statement. I was just, you shouldn't apologize. We are done talking everyone acts totally civil to him except for crazy evil horror lawyer who comes over

before his trial and is like hey so i hear you're one of those stupid fucking christians like yes ma'am i am and she's like i just fucking snapped a baby's neck for fun and i'm gonna get you and he's like and that's when we find out that the guy who he gave the cross to was not just was not just like a guy he was was a atheist. A member of the AHA whose catchphrase is good without God. And I and my girlfriend and one other man in the theater

all made involuntary screams of pain. It was like, oh, he was a part of the American Humanist Association and we all went, But if I found out that my girlfriend was in an accident and a paramedic pushed

a cross into her hand and made her do a deathbed conversion when she was scared and in pain and delirious I would shoot him in the face with a fucking spear gun I wouldn't sue him because you can't sue someone who you cooked and eaten

and that's what's so crazy about this movie is at no point does anyone acknowledge how fucking intrusive and hot that's why this wasn't a fun movie right i kept wanting that wife to come in for a side tackle and him talking to his wife and she's like you son of a bitch all right sorry jumping back in time so now we go to old couple we go to old couple who has the shrine to their dead daughter in their house and this is maybe the fifth time we've seen a shrine to a dead daughter in the house of a person in a movie that we've watched together. Which is why I wrote in my notes, this movie should be called Grief Counseling is Important.

Because there was just a bunch of people in this movie who did not need Jesus. They needed therapy. The old woman goes, where was God when our daughter was killed? And he goes, he was just as sad as we were. But it didn't stop him from

letting it happen. Alright, cut the scene. Right. He begged that drunk driver and I just pictured God trying to take some guy's keys out of his hand outside of a bar. He's like, come on man, give me your keys. You can't drive. I'm the creator of the universe. Give me your keys, man.

We'll call you an Uber. I will pay for your Uber, bro. Don't do that. Oh, Jerry, you're gonna get caught. You're gonna get arrested. Alright, don't call me. Shots! Let's do shots. God gives back to the bar.

So then we have the girl. We go back to the teenage girl, at which the girl tells her, again, proving Christians know nothing about abortion. have the girl we go back to the teenage girl at which the girl tells her again proving christians know nothing about abortion yes i felt it kick on the way to my first appointment appointment which turned out to be an abortion yes which probably means this is when she was with her mom so that probably means what six weeks eight weeks like that. So she felt a lima bean kick her. And that's how she knew.

She felt a lima bean with about the sentience of a brain tumor kick her. And she was like, no, the baby wants to live. So she leaves her home as though the person

had planned parenthood. What is that scenario? That's the movie I want to see. It's just that girl going in and then being like, great, so this is your first visit and if you'll just spread your legs. Get the hoover!

Get him! Another one tricked into having an abortion. Good. Let's use it for stem cell research, which we all know will never cure anything. Every time we went back to a character, it was like

remembering I had a dentist appointment. I was just like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That. So we go back to Black Guy, who is now saved. And this happens because he goes home. He goes home and talks to his grandmother, who's a very upsetting character.

And his grandmother sings Amazing Grace to him. Really badly. Really badly. Worst singer. And I wrote, they couldn't find a black woman who can sing? They don't have any of those? There's one in the theater right now. Yeah, exactly.

And next to me, I'm sure the woman who was like, would have done a much better job. Couldn't have done much worse. She makes it through the whole song. She's like, I'm missing grace. Like the first two episodes of American Idol where you get to just watch them

make fun of the mentally ill. You know the ones we all turn in? Yeah. That's mega great. I don't even know the words to this shit. Jeebus came down with his grace, and he turned Cyclops into one of the horsemen's cockpips, and then Wolverine got all the...

I had her play bagpipes. It would have been a lot better. So then we go back to the mom and the daughter. She's there with the woman. Her and the old woman have a bonding moment, in which I wrote, this kid is sexy, flexible, and super trusting. I don't like where this movie is.

So then we get to the bridge. We're here at the bridge now. So here's what's happening on this bridge simultaneously. Nefarious finds Criminal and Pretty Boy. Kills Pretty Boy. Then Criminal tackles him. They have like a weird

foot chase to the bridge. So Criminal has a foot chase to the bridge. Atheist lawyer lady hits Nefarious with her car because she's texting.

And then old couple are driving to bring Lily to Joe who wants to see her before he dies because that's gross oh I forgot to mention Joe's last request to the friend who comes to see him she's like Joe

you were so good to us. Is there anything I can do? And he's like, yeah, bring me your daughter. I would have been like, no. I want your seven-year-old daughter to watch a death. I'd appreciate that. Well, I'm going to go ahead and pass. Would you like another blanket? Maybe we could do that.

I wanted so badly in that scene between the two of them for her to be like, Joe, what were you in jail for? Oh, I raped and murdered a bunch of little girls. Anyways, bring Lily around. I want to say... None of them were named Lily.

I feel like you're going to make connections that aren't there, but please bring me your daughter. I'm going to an oblivion without consequences. So the grandparents, not the grandparents because they're just old people. The old people are bringing Lily. Yeah. The pastor and his wife are bringing the teen who has gone into labor, and the paramedic is just driving. into labor and the paramedic is just driving they all meet up on this bridge and there is the weirdest most giant epic car crash everyone's car crashes into everyone's um and then so the

pregnancy goes wrong and the pregnant girl is dying of childbirth, like you do. Firefighter saves atheist lawyer from the car. Marine saves Lily. Everyone jumps in the car. Baby is born. Retard learns to play the tuba. It's just everything happens. All the things in this movie happens. And then the old guy, oh, I forgot this.

The old guy's in the car and his leg is broken. So he's like, here, let's get you out of there. And he's like, no, you got to leave me here. My leg is broken. At which point, every other character in the movie is like, no, man, your leg's broken. We're going to pull you out. And he's like, oh, okay.

I thought it was like a horse where if my leg was broken, you had to let me drown in the river. My bad. You can go ahead and pull me out of the car. And then the pregnant teen dies, and then they just steal her baby. Right.

As though they would show up to the hospital and be like, yeah, well, you know, a teenager died in the back of our car. It's like a lost property law thing, right? If it ends up in your home or your home, you know, we could keep this baby. I mean, listen, I've had a lot of teenagers die in the back of my car, but I've never been allowed to keep the baby.

And you wouldn't even ask, would you? I mean, that would be crazy to even ask. I cut them up and eat them like a solid American. would you? I mean, that would be crazy to even ask. I cut them up and eat them like a solid American. And apparently the atheist lawyer was carrying a bunch of TNT with her when she got into the car

accident. Her car explodes because it's so full of sin. In a mushroom cloud out of nowhere. And she turns to Bobby and she says, why did you save me? This woman's just like, we have no concept of kindness. We're like,

but I don't understand. I'm not going to give you any of my Jew gold. Why would you save me? There's nothing in it for you. So fucking horrible. And that's when I had my realization that ties this entire movie together this movie is a horror movie

and the killer is Jesus every time someone this is final destination but instead of dodging death you start believing in Jesus something fucking kills you pretty boy

starts believing in Jesus gets shot by nefarious little girl converted to Christianity dead guy trapped under the water tank starts believing in Jesus fucking die this is a horror movie and if you watch it through that lens it's a great movie cause you're like little man don't believe in Jesus.

Oh, God. Why won't they stop believing in Jesus? Oh, God, Jesus is behind. The crucifix is in the house. The crucifix. The Bible passages are coming from inside the house. Sorry. We're getting to Joe.

Yeah. Cut to the hospital. The finalee yeah cut to the hospital finale we cut to the hospital and joe and joe dies oh and then and then joe comes back to life you know only the black people stay dead in this but the leukemia is gone when he comes back yeah of course that never gets proven through the movie, so in my head, they're just like, oh no, you still super have cancer. You are very much still going to die.

You just are not going to die as quickly as we thought, but still within the next 24 hours or so. Oh, alright then. Can you bring Lily back in here and everyone else leave the room? I'm going to do sex stuff to her. Might as well just let you know now I only have 24 hours.

She's dead in 24 hours. What am I fucking lying about? And then again, a staple of a Christian movie, a jock jam Jesus tune. It comes pouring through the speakers just like, And then again, a staple of a Christian movie, a jock jam Jesus tune. Yes. Comes pouring through the speakers just like, do you believe in God? And I was just like, oh, God, it's over. Screaming Christian rock song into my ears.

I mean, it's done. At one point in this movie, I wrote down in my notes, I have to pee, but I would miss the introduction of five more characters. But, of course, Eli, I can't thank you enough for joining us once again. Oh, thanks for having me, guys. This fucking movie. Yeah, well, you know, I guess all we can hope for is that Kirk Cameron will decide that Easter needs saving, too. I only hope so. Before we give up and stop kicking tonight, I wanted to offer a huge thanks to everybody that voted for us in the podcast

awards. Voting ended on Tuesday night, so it's all in there is no God's hands now. We'll know how it turned out on the 14th of April, but we have a really good feeling about our chances since 78% of our competitors were probably counting on the good Lord to answer their prayers. They asked God, I asked you fine folks, and I'd take that end of the bet a thousand times out of a thousand.

Also, quick reminder, ReasonCon in Hickory, North Carolina is less than a month away, and there are still tickets available, so if you'd like a chance to meet Heath, Lucinda, and me in person, mark the weekend of April 24th on your calendar. Should be an awesome time. We'll talk more about it next week, but if you can't wait that long, be sure to check the show notes

for a link to ReasonCon's website. And speaking of the show notes, sorry, totally slacking ass on that over the last couple of weeks. Promise to get everything caught up before episode 111. Seriously, promise. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy

we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister podcast, The Skeptocrats, at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. And also be sure to follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook,

because for some people, your social media presence is basically your online dick size, and we don't want anybody making fun of our virtual dick. I need to thank Heath once again for making Boxer from Animal Farm look like a slacker. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for a lot of things, but most immediately for the mental image of the whistling flag of Vaginistan. Huge thanks also to Matt Dillahunty of the Atheist Experience fame for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Matt is truly one of my favorite voices in the atheist movement and possibly the most entertaining debater in the business. If you haven't seen him mop the floor with Saiten Bruggenkate, you are really missing out.

Links to that video and to the Atheist Experience will be provided on the show notes, of course. Obviously, I need to thank Eli one more time for suffering through the absolute worst that cinema has to offer. And honestly, I need to thank his lovely lady friend, an innocent victim who I never expected to get caught up in all of this. Very sorry about that. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most orgasm-inspiring organisms. William, Michael, Nicholas, Robert, Daniel, Sean, Sherry, Sarah, Dorinda, Craig, Alan, Robert, Joel, James, Bearfriend, Tea Party, Ryan, Eddie, and Squackadoodle. William, Michael, Nicholas, Robert, Daniel, and Sean, whose dicks are so big the man from Nantucket writes limericks about them, Sherry, Sarah, Dorinda, Craig, Alan, and Robert,

who are so bright the sun can't look at them during an eclipse, and Joel, James, Bear, Friend Tea Party, Ryan, Eddy, and Squackadoodle, who are so intelligent they were named honorary villains in the credits for Do You Believe? Together, these 18 atypically able-bodied amiable apexes of atheism have aided our asocial agency this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the wherewithal, herewithal, or therewithal that it takes to give us money, but if you think you've got all the requisite withalls, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

where you can earn bonus content, including stuff like this week's 75-minute uncut interview with Eli, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're not allowed to donate to podcasts until you've avenged the death of your master, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher,

or your podcast reviewing vehicle of choice. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Big fucker.

The only time anyone will ever call me a big fucker. All right. Go take over the media in Hollywood. Do it.