The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 112: Trip to the John Edition

Episode Date: April 9, 2015

In this week's episode Pat Robertson will invoke Chick-Fil-A to remind us he only eats Christian cock; fearing integration, Klingenschmitt takes a gay derivative; and Lucinda will join us to learn why they named toilets and prostitute clientele after the same gospel.

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Do you have a Geneva unconventional sense of style? Do you have trouble finding the clit without a surgeon to assist you? Then this is the resort for you, the FGM Grand. Here's hoping some spiteful ladies don't ever buy the MGM grand. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Seth Andrews. I'm host of the Thinking Atheist radio podcast and website. I'm actually in the middle of a tour, an amazing tour in Australia with the Unholy Trinity Tour, and after visiting the Australia Zoo, I can guarantee we did evolve from filthy kangaroo men.

Fantastic, man. I can guarantee we did evolve from filthy kangaroo men. It's Thursday. It's April 9th. And if it weren't for opening day, the Yankees might still have a perfect season going. I'm no illusion. I'm Heath Enright. And from Crop Duster Passover, Valdosta, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Pat Robertson will invoke Chick-fil-A to remind us that he only eats Christian cock. Fearing integration, Gordon Klingenschmitt takes a gay derivative.

And Lucinda will join us to read about some Jew getting nailed to a lowercase t again. But first, the diatribe. I remember getting turned down for a job when I was 17 because I refused to cut my hair. And while I know just how scarcely this registers on the overall scale of social injustice now, it struck me at the time as the apex of discrimination. The length of my hair had nothing to do with my ability to do this job. They wouldn't think twice about my hair length if I was a woman, and the law would come to my defense if I was required to wear long hair because some invisible sky man told me to. But the law doesn't come to your aid if your long hair is just there to tame a cowlick. Now again, seeing the true inequity of the world has given me some perspective on this,

and I fully recognize in retrospect how insignificant my white, straight, male brush with prejudice was, but at 17 I was outraged. How could there be one set of rules for women and another for men? How could there be one set of rules for Hindus or whatever and another for atheists? How the hell can a statement like, we should all just have to follow the same rules, be controversial? Of course, I'm all grown up now, and I see how unrealistic that is, right? Because a rule that says neither men nor women can breastfeed in public is still sexist.

And, you know, there are plenty enough bigots and racists in this country to require special laws and protections to thwart them. And I know that, you know, if the rule against hats is just there to fuck with the Jews, it's prejudice, inequalities, clothing. So I recognize that there's a lot more to this issue than I understood there to be at 17. All that being said, it's nowhere near as complicated as the law would have you believe. ruling on the Gregory Holt case. He was the Alabama inmate that said he should be allowed to grow a beard in accordance with his Muslim faith, despite prison rules that said inmates couldn't have beards. Well, the SCOTUS in this case sided with Holt. The law says that the prison can't put a substantial and unjustified burden on his free exercise of religion, and since there's no logical reason why he couldn't wear a beard, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of his face pubes. And this seems fair, except for one thing. In this case, the court ruled that the prison didn't have a compelling interest in whether or not the guy had a beard.

The prison's official excuse was that he would be able to hide a weapon in it, but since he'd agreed to keep it to like a half an inch, that was a ridiculous claim. So the courts ruled that this was an unjustified burden, but that it was still okay for them to impose it on all the non-religious people. See, I agree that Holt should be able to wear his beard, but not because it's a religious obligation. If the rule is unfair and serves no purpose, get rid of the fucking rule, but don't just get rid of it for like some people and not others based on untestable claims of faith. You know, I would think a serious Muslim wouldn't want to incentivize pretending to share their faith for the purposes of special privileges in

prison and knowing how these theological arm races tend to go, I wouldn't be surprised if all the religions started finding new ways to wring out special governmental exceptions to various rules. You know, what a selling point they'd have there, right? They can't actually offer you peace of mind, eternity in heaven, forgiveness, or 72 virgins, but they can definitely get you a goatee that makes you look a little less prison bitchy. Worse yet, of course, is that all these rules to protect religious freedom are completely unenforceable, and the courts admit that. How the hell can a judge determine a sincerely held belief from one invoked to save a few bucks on the company's insurance policy? I saw Tony Perkins come into the defense of this dumbass law in Indiana.

Somebody pointed out that you could use it to excuse racism, and his counterpoint is that the Bible's very clear about the hate and gay people part, but it doesn't tell you to be racist. Now, set aside what an absurd assertion that is from a biblical standpoint for a second, and think about what he's claiming from a judicial perspective. Is Tony Perkins suggesting that the U.S. court starts weighing in on Christian doctrine? That the Supreme Court determines what is and isn't a legitimate Christian belief, that they read through the Bible and say,

well, yeah, the gay hate part, that's legit, but God didn't really mean this slave-owning stuff. I mean, something tells me that would piss them off even more than it would piss me off. But if you get rid of this whole concept of religious exemption, the Gordian knot just unties itself. You know, I'm a hardliner on this issue, and I recognize that. Most people in the atheist movement can get behind complaints about the exception that lets rabbis suck baby dicks, but even most of them stop short of absolute on this one.

They look at the burqa ban in France, for example, and they say, well, that's just bigotry. Well, you know what? Maybe it's motivated by bigotry, maybe it isn't, but the law says that you're not allowed to cover your face in public. Maybe that's a good law, maybe it's a bad law, but it's a law. And when they enacted that law, it wasn't to fucking pick on Muslims any more than it was to pick on Batman. You know, banning burqas didn't require adding a new law, it just required removing an exemption. Now with all that in mind, let's turn back to this shit law in Indiana.

So first of all, kudos to all the activists and businesses that forced Indiana's hand on this one, kind of proud of the way our country rose up on this and said, you know, if you discriminate against the gays, we will cripple your fucking economy. How do you like that? It was effective. It forced a legislator and a governor to walk back and add language ensuring that this law wouldn't be used to discriminate against gays. So that's awesome. But it stopped short of good enough because the law itself is still shit. Hell, even the federal law that it was

based on is shit and this one is even worse keep in mind that we're talking about riffra here this is the law that had the supreme court signed with hobby lobby and our you know magic jew told us contraception was baby murder case this is a law that exists for no purpose but to grant special exemptions from the law to religious people the federal federal version of RFRA was targeted, at least. It only applied to actions by the federal government, and several states have adopted similar language over the years, and in all of those cases, the law applies only to the state government. But in Indiana's RFRA, that's different.

Even after they quote-unquote fixed it, it still expands the hell out of the fucking religious exemption concept, because this version of the law doesn't require that the government be involved in any way. This law expands these protections to disputes between individual citizens so even if you can't use it to refuse service to gays you can still use it to demand extra legal treatment from anyone you choose to this law serves no purpose i mean no no positive purpose the protection of free religious exercise is enshrined in the supreme governing document of this fucking country despite the caterwauling by people like bill o'reilly and ted cruz religious liberty is under no threat whatsoever in this country unless you consider the right to discriminate to be a religious liberty

amending this law is not enough we need to abolish it we need to abolish it we need to prevent any more states from passing similar laws and we need to repeal the ones that are already on the books we're swinging pandora's box of legislation wide open, and for what? So that no scalp-judging phantoms are angry at the Jews? So that religious people are protected from unjust laws the rest of us aren't protected against? Religious exemption and religious equality are mutually exclusive propositions. It's time for the laws to reflect that. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin? Joining me for headlines tonight is the man you've all been waiting for, Heath Enright. Heath, why did you keep everybody in suspense for so long? Oh, sorry. For what it's worth, though, I was nodding along solemnly with the diatribe. Oh, well, there you go. I did a fist pump at one point. In our lead story tonight, fat guy in a red hat Joshua Feuerstein has a new video out that shows that among the encyclopedia's worth of stuff he doesn't know is that obesity and horizontal stripes don't mix. You may remember Feuerstein from his dot-in-a-circle-ten-thousand-dollars-to-disprove-God video in which he demonstrated his lack of understanding of burden-of-proof atheism, Venn diagrams, evidence, and cinematography in just a few short minutes.

atheism, Venn diagrams, evidence, and cinematography in just a few short minutes. Well, in his new video, he expands the scope of his ignorance to civil rights by calling a baker and giving her shit for refusing to make him a cake about hating gay people. Well, I'm sure if he asked around, he'd find someone willing to give him a hateful gay cream pie or something. And honestly, I bet they'd be happy to help him make another video about the hateful gay cream pie. I'll arrange a meeting if we have any listeners that want to take us up on that. You can set up an Indiegogo thing. The misappropriation of logic here is so egregious that I have trouble getting my head around what these assholes actually think. But apparently they think that the opposite of refusing to sell a black man a coffee is refusing to sell a white man a black man.

That's about it. I mean, they're like this blubbering nutsack asked for a cake that said i hate gays the opposite of that would be a cake that says i hate straights right not a cake that says congratulations melissa and charlene if the baker had refused to sell him a cake that said happy birthday because he hated gays maybe he's got some shred of an argument but refusing to sell everyone cakes with bigoted messages on them is not inequality. How many fucking times do we have to explain this? What does he think is happening?

This lady is selling I hate fags cake to ironic gay hipsters all the time, but not him? What? And I've seen a couple of people bring this up, but I want to reiterate it here, because as a person that makes his living through crowdfunding i think this kind of shit matters all right when his first video went viral fierstein started some campaign and raised twenty thousand dollars for a new camera successful campaign seth andrews who is a professional videographer when he's not being a podcast award nominated at this podcaster noted that he could buy 10 of the cameras that he uses for that price and it's also about three times as expensive as the most expensive video camera I could find on the fucking Internet.

But also, and this is key, his new video, post $20,000 camera, is still shot on his phone and in the wrong aspect ratio. So there's also that. $20,000 iPod shuffle he's working with. And in swine dine 69 news tonight. During a radio interview last week, GOP primary filler Ted Cruz voiced his support for the original version of

Indiana's recently amended RFRA bill. Yes, the boycott-inducing national embarrassment original one. And he explains his point using a real-world example that we can all relate to. So, according to Cruz, the only thing stopping wildly

aggressive bacon salesmen from mouth-raping rabbis with non-kosher devil strips is religious freedom to perform acts of illegal discrimination. Those rabbis couldn't refuse service to that bacon mob. Judaism might not even exist anymore. Ted Cruz, everybody. I just want to point service to that bacon mob. Judaism might not even exist anymore. Ted Cruz, everybody.

I just want to point out that, never thought I'd have to point this out, regardless of your religion, you're not allowed to force-feed people bacon. I mean, it's not like there's a bacon force-feeding system that the Jews opt out of or anything. So congratulations, guy who's in charge of NASA's funding. Your analogy is dumber than the fat guy in a red hat one.

That's a pretty high bar. So I'm trying to imagine what the thoughts sound like as they go through this guy's head. Ted Cruz hears about these boycotts, and to him, I guess that was a pretty good proof of concept. I guess that was a pretty good proof of concept. If you write a new law that makes being Christian double allowed, and then a bunch of gay people refuse to visit your state, that's win-fucking-win, right? Plus you go to heaven. Win-win-win.

Yeah, right. So remember, guys, this guy has at least one destination plan that's even more delusional than Oval Office. Because he's going to heaven, too. And here's one more thought that also had to go through his head at some point. He must have asked himself, what's the legal equivalent of a gay person forcing you to sell them a cake by handing you money? And the answer he came up with was atheist outlaw marauder holding a gun to a rabbi's head while they eat a BLT, crying. Those two are pretty much indistinguishable to Ted Cruz. Yes. This guy's running for president.

And polling well above no percent. And in dumb mother Tucker's news tonight, Tucker Carlson took a break from vacuuming Cheetos into his face long enough to interview former Department of Justice official J. Christian Adams on the dangers of equality. The two are discussing a new city ordinance in Madison, Wisconsin, that adds atheism to the list of protected groups under the state's anti-discrimination laws. Well, discrimination against non-believers is technically usually illegal anyway. The lack of protected status

makes it prohibitively difficult to file suit, and this ordinance, heavily backed by the FFRF, should noticeably change that fact. Finally, I can fly to Madison and force those uppity Christian bakers to make a cake that says nothing on it. This would be great. Hope you guys enjoy internal damnation. I'm flying out. Get ready.

But Adams warns that one of the unintended consequences of creating a law that makes it illegal to discriminate against atheists is that it would make it illegal to discriminate against atheists. Somehow failing to realize that he was reading the talking points for the other side of the argument, Adam has explained that there were plenty of good reasons a person of faith might want to discriminate against atheists. For example, maybe you're an airline hiring pilots who you prefer they maybe believe in hell.

They maybe? Sick. Maybe you're an airline hiring pilots who you prefer they maybe believe in hell. End quote. Maybe? Sick. But, I mean, like, you're hiring pilots. Would you not want them to believe that death is final and they don't have an omnipotent protector? You would not want that in a pilot? Yeah, let's get some more religious fanatics into airplanes. What could possibly go wrong?

Right. But, of course, like Firstine and Cruz, these two actually think that their right to discriminate is protected as long as it's couched in religion. Adam says, well look, right here in the Bible it says we shouldn't associate with these people, so it's protected. Well, your book also says you have to throw rocks

at people until they die! Your book says you can't marry foreigners! You can own slaves! You can buy your rape victims! Your book is by the bigots, for the bigots, and of the bigots. And your unrelenting hard-on for that fucking bigot book is exactly why we need all these laws to begin with. file tonight. Colorado State Representative Gordon Klingenschmitt ran some numbers through his exponential growth and moral decay model of homosexual reproduction, and he determined that America will be 20% gay by the year 2115. Huh. Yeah. I'm not sure why he did that, but as it turns out, his estimate might be around right. However, it's important to note that the reason he got a decent prediction is not because he correctly calculated the increasing rate at which gay people in godless cities like San Francisco honey dick more and more children into their group. Which was his claim.

That's not what's happening. Basically, he was saying that the kids who have a Bible already shoved up their asses are less likely to wind up with a dick in there. Basically, that could be the religious right slogan right there. And by the way, if you guys use that campaign ad, you know. I'm sure they will. I want credit. I don't want money. I'm sure you'll get it.

I don't want money. I just want like a link to this show, something. Doesn't it seem like these guys spend lots of time worrying about different scenarios where they end up with dicks inside them if they do i'm not saying dr clingy chaps is a homosexual not that there's anything wrong with that but i am saying that people who are 100 gay probably don't spend their time making mathematical predictions about how many straight people we're going to have in 100 years. Odds are against it, yeah. And in putting all three Ks back in education news tonight,

middle school teacher in Dublin, Georgia, fulfilled all the expectations that my childhood tutelage in Georgia would have predicted a few weeks ago when she allegedly told her students that President Obama isn't a real Christian, and if their parents voted for him, they're not real Christians either. Having so thoroughly departed from the bounds of legal acceptability that she could no longer find an on-ramp, she just pushed deeper into her scenic detour by then challenging her students to prove their Christianity. Prove?

Yes. Like with an essay? I guess. A flowchart with Transformers? What would that even look like? A five-paragraph concession statement. Let's take a look at the data. All that being said, I'd like to begin my remarks here.

How would you write that essay? According to a complaint filed by the local chapter of the NAACP, alleged vile bitch Nancy Perry doubled down on her flagrant transgression during a meeting between her and a concerned parent, where she responded by giving the parent a few printouts from a conspiracy site that proved she was right and that Obama was a fake Christian. Fake Christian, like, genetically? What the fuck is she talking about? Maybe Obama goes to mosques because he's actually a fake, fake Christian.

Maybe he's a quadruple fake atheist. You never know. Maybe this whole idea is completely meaningless and i'm saying stupid words that make absolutely no sense warren county superintendent dr chug ledbetter insists that the issue has been resolved internally though perry is still employed by the school and doesn't seem to have been reprimanded at all now for her part she officially denies the allegations and has been instructed to say absolutely nothing but that to the press shame that her students don't get similar consideration.

Yeah, probably not. And from the cracked wide-open anal P-robes file tonight, live-action Bugs Bunny nemesis Pat Robertson shared a couple of bigoted nuggets of wisdom on the 700 Club recently, during which his voice was incredibly clear and audible despite having several dozen acorns stored in his cheeks at the time. He's so weskly. One of his homophobic ideas was about chicken,

and the other homophobic idea was about pizza. No illusions. Has your interest been piqued? You had me at anal, bro. Now, if I had to put money down, I would say that the first one has something to do with what dicks taste just like, the chicken one. And the second one refers to an extra large pepperoni, I'm guessing.

We'll tally up my score later. All right. Well, first up, we have the anti-gay chicken thing. Juggle those nuggets, Pat. So it starts off with Robertson explaining his policy against playing sports on the eighth day of the week when God rested. He was responding to an email from a viewer whose nephew was pursuing a college soccer scholarship, but was having some family conflict about

playing games on Sunday and possibly missing church. But don't worry, it was P-Robes to the rescue with a solution. His plan? Fuck the scholarship and just become a billionaire by opening a large chain of Christian fast food restaurants like Chick-fil-A. It only works if you close on Sunday and hate gays, but you were going to do that anyway.

Okay, all right, now I can see that was definitely about chicken, but that's probably the least homophobic thing that dude ever said that wasn't subject to a non-disclosure agreement, so I get a pass on that first one. Fair enough. And now for the anti-gay pizza thing. Awesome. While responding to a story about a pizza shop owner that publicly refused to cater a same-sex wedding, Robertson went nuclear on the confusion.

These are his words of wisdom for the owner. Quote, pizzas? I think, you know, you might as well keep your mouth shut. I'm not sure I would serve pizza for a gay wedding. Most gays, if they're having a wedding, don't want pizzas. They want cake. It's the cake makers that are having the problem.

So, I don't even know where to start. The only coherent thing that I can pluck out of that is that P. Robes definitely has a gay wedding catering menu in mind that doesn't include pizza. And, just in case this helps clarify whatever the fuck he was talking about, Robertson added the following.

Quote, you're gonna say you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality, you like anything you can think of. It won't stop at homosexuality, end quote. So he said all that. I have no idea why, but he said all that. I hope that man never dies or that they never admit that he already did years ago, whichever it is. So as we, I guess we, as we pick back through that and see if he meant anything,

or if he was just reading a Scrabble board when his Tourette's kicked in, we're going to hand things over to the lovely Lucinda Lusions. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what's smart. If it's a legitimate race. It is what's smart, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man!

This Week in Misogyny. If we want to combat sexism, we need to start with this absurd notion of what it means to be manly or womanly. Look, if being a man is defined by fixing carburetors and salivating over power tools, I'm a lesbian. And the state of Georgia recognized my gay marriage years ago. And as bad as it is to try to define proper gender roles by your own narrow-minded preconceptions, the people that really piss me off are the assholes that do that, and then get angry at other people for not comporting to their pigeonholes. I've got three examples of that particular breed of misogyny for you this week, including women trying too hard to be manly,

women not trying hard enough to be manly, and women trying too hard to keep men from being manly enough. We'll take those in order. And no surprise, we'll find our first nugget of sexism on Fox News. During an episode of Fox & Friends, former Navy SEAL Carl Higbee was invited on to talk about why soldiers need penises. During the interview, he explained that women in combat would add an unnecessary variable and that, quote, nothing against women, but I don't think they have a place, end quote. Now, one way or the other, that's offensive, but more so, I think, since he was talking to a female combat veteran.

She pointed out that his excuse for wanting to keep women out of combat essentially boiled down to we always done it this way. And when the argument was laid bare like that, he still didn't seem to see what was wrong with it he repeatedly talked about the dangers of reducing physical requirements to allow women to serve without ever conceding that nobody is suggesting that when he was eventually forced to admit that some women can and have passed all the physical requirements for combat duty the closest he came to a concession was quote just because some women somewhere probably could doesn't mean they should end quote and if that story left you feeling worn down a bit, don't worry. We won't have to travel far to find our next story this week, as it was also on Fox News. Sudden this week in misogyny, regular Andrea Tantoras took to the airwaves on an episode of

Snooty Bitch Tonight, or whatever her show is called called to decry the sexism of pretending that women can get raped when they're drunk so let me walk you through her thought process but hold on tight because if you get lost in here there's no coming back so her claim is that any special role that tries to protect women from being raped when they're intoxicated is bigoted because it assumes that women can't man up and handle their liquor. Apparently, she thinks that since men can drink a lot and not get ass raped when they pass out, women should be able to do the same. That's her idea of equality.

And for our final story, we'll go to one of the few places you're more likely to find sexism than Fox News, the far side of the pulpit. This one comes to us from the floppiest part of America's penis, Florida, where Pastor Bill Lytle spent a recent sermon lamenting the fact that in today's America, men can't even publicly rejoice over their divinely ordained subjugation of women.

This story starts, fucked up-edly enough, when a nine-year-old member of his congregation went to the bathroom and found a loaded handgun sitting there. Well, this made the local news, and when the local news was at his church filming, a few of the viewers noticed a sign up at the church that read, Male Leadership. This apparently caused a ruckus once people were done freaking out about the gun dispensary in the commode.

Responding to the community's criticism of the sign and the implicit refusal to put women in leadership roles within the church, Lytel doubled down on his chauvinism by pointing out that the Bible is very clear about the inferiority of women, adding, quote, This is a man's world. There aren't many places where men can even rejoice anymore without feeling about half shamed. You can say what you want, but God made Adam in leadership, and it's going to end with a man in leadership.

It's just God's way. End quote. Well, I'm already running long here, so I'm not going to give Pastor Lightell the profanity-laden response he deserves, but I will say that he should really be about twice as ashamed of himself as he is. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Namaste of Execution news tonight, we have the latest on a story we've been covering ever since episode 21. A California appeals court affirmed a lower court's ruling last week and found that the Encinitas County Public School yoga program does not promote religion.

While the court admits that Hinduism is a religion and that yoga is a part of Hinduism, their opinion states that the program is, quote, devoid of any religious, mystical, or spiritual trappings, end quote. Sometimes it's hard to separate things that are so, you know, intertwined, like stretching and forearmed elephant gods. I get that. I get that. Well, now, I have to admit, my opinion on this case has changed a lot in the last 91 episodes, partially thanks to some emails that were sent my way. When we first saw it, it struck me as just a bunch of whiny Christians who were afraid that the devil was going to slink into the kids' assholes

if they sat cross-legged for too long. And it still strikes me as that, but that doesn't mean that they're not accidentally right. Now, consider that the school already had to tone this program down quite a bit to call it secular. In the original curriculum, they taught Sanskrit words. They were reading from mystical Hindu books. They taught the kids to say namaste before each class. They had scripts for guided meditation with phrases like yoga brings out the inner spirit of the child.

Now, granted, they did remove all of that shit, but after this family complained, and in the end, they're still offering an alternative to phys ed that is based on religion, not evidence. The instructors are being certified by a yoga school, not an academic or medical institution. Yeah, it doesn't sound like the court

got this right. I mean, I'm glad they get to keep the yoga class. Probably hasn't converted too many Christians to Hinduism in California, but it's a bad precedent from the court. Now we're going to have crazy idiots inventing secular Jesus baseball and selling it to PE teachers. Exactly. It's also worth noting, by the way, that this is all paid for by a grant from a group

seeking to spread traditional Hindu practices. And even like the secularized curriculum has mission statements about focusing on life skills. I mean, it just strikes me as easy that religion could hide between the cracks of that statement. And in human sin cushion news tonight, a nun and Catholic school teacher in northern Slovakia has been removed from her position after allegedly stabbing a seven-year-old student in the hand with a needle when he didn't seem to understand how shitty it would be to get crucified. However, Sister Ludovita, loosely translated Sister Thug Life, says she didn't do it, claiming the kid stabbed himself with the needle she provided to a seven-year-old. Yeah, yeah. Kids sure do love those self-inflicted wounds. Puncture, slice, cigarette burn, collect them all.

Look, you know, I'm tempted to go easy on her because when it comes to Catholic authority figures penetrating seven-year-olds, this isn't remotely the worst that we've seen. But it's still pretty fucked up. It's not good. And just in case that didn't sound like the worst excuse ever, Snap, go. And just in case that didn't sound like the worst excuse ever,

Ludovita volunteered that the self-stabbing was actually part of the lesson plan. Somehow things just went awry from there. By her own account, she passed around sharp objects and invited these kids to lightly stab themselves, hoping they would, quote, voluntarily experience mild pain so they could empathize with the crucifixion theme, end quote. So I guess the precocious students were then taught to juggle chainsaws and shards of glass to learn how difficult it is to be God. Right, I guess.

Complicated process of learning they have. And that's like, we don't get much Slovakian news. We got to start digging for more of that because that's some pretty fucked up shit right there. And in Jesus Goes Oral news tonight, Arizona resident Kim Ackerman has become the latest Christian volunteer for web-wide ridicule and mockery after claiming to have seen the image of Jesus Christ

in an x-ray of her tooth. Showing no compunction whatsoever about having something in her teeth that was previously spotted in bird shit and up a dog's ass, Ackerman was thrilled about the iconographic pareidolia. Quote, when I saw this, I thought, that's my guardian angel.

It was a good thing it wasn't Muhammad. That's how dentists get killed. No shit. Safety first. Now, Ackerman expressed disappointment that her dentist wasn't as spiritually moved by the x-ray as she was, and while the correlation between education and not imbuing blobs of indiscriminate pixels with esoteric meanings doesn't necessarily imply

causation, we can certainly say that a world where that was true would look exactly like this one. I suppose it's also possible that he agreed that Jesus was trapped in her tooth, but wrote it off as the result of eating contaminated toast or something like one of those common type of Jesus in the tooth

syndrome type situations. And in weapon of mass disruption news tonight, an unnamed white Pennsylvania man shot himself in the hand last Saturday evening while attending an Easter vigil mass at Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament in Altoona. Thank you, white guy. All the evidence isn't quite in yet, but initial reports suggest that putting a loaded handgun in your pocket with your disorganized ring of skeleton keys without the safety on and then going to a public building and doing a series of Catholic yoga positions is not the best idea. No, no. And for the record, even if you have the safety on and you don't have the ring of keys and you leave the handgun at home it's still a bad idea so this is like a bad idea parfait so despite all the endangerment and negligent stupidity it looks

like none of that stuff was against the law and no charges have been filed in pennsylvania it is legal to carry a concealed weapon in a church if you have a permit, which this guy had. So everything was under control. But unfortunately, the system broke down when nobody else in the church who was secretly armed was able to draw their weapon in time to shoot this guy before he accidentally shot himself. Right. You would have thought that room full of guns would have made everything safe. My favorite part of this story is that after the dude shoots himself, he apparently tried to play it off like nothing had happened, tried to like secretly hand the gun like like the teachers watching. But he has the gun to his buddy who tries to then hide it in his Bible. The fucking thing didn't have a silencer on it.

He just shot himself in the middle of a church and thought he could treat it like an elevator fart. I love this guy. love this guy. Now, I'm guessing this is the last case of stigmatum by self-inflicted gunshot wound we'll have the chance to deal with for a little while. A little while, anyway. Which, of course, means we'll need 30 seconds on the clock.

Headlines for the idiot who shot himself. Go. You know you've got a juicy story when the 30 seconds on the clock concept is basically just, like, sentences that sum this crazy shit up. All right. How about area man makes crown of thorns look pretty lightweight?

What about area man finally discovers the polydactylism cure central Pennsylvanians have been waiting for? You hear that, Bill and Susie? How about person blown at church against his will of legal age for a change? How about... Positive spin. against his will of legal age for a change? About? Positive spin. Reverend Al from Altoona. It's about time someone shot an armed white man. For a change?

Refreshing. Wow, topical joke. How about area man forced to get creative in finding ways to beg out of church service? What about man described as cartoonish Pat Robertson gets rifle barrel twisted towards self while hunting Easter rabbit? It's kind of a callback. How about witnesses describe only interesting thing that ever happened at church? Maybe, let's see, NRA spokesman on gun mishap. At least the doctors had to pry it from his cold dead hand.

So that's a victory. Alright, I got one more. After a self-inflicted gunshot wound, Churchgoer breaks neck trying to figure out how to turn the other cheek towards himself. Alright, one more, one more. The Shlemiel spills soup at the party.

The Shlemazel is the guy it lands on. And the guy who shoots himself in the hand during an Easter vigil doesn't know enough Yiddish to appreciate the humor in being both. Probably won't get it. But it's funny. All too rare that we get to close the headlines on a Yiddish joke. Heath, thanks as always. Yahtzee! And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to learn why both toilets and hooker clients

were named after the same gospel. toilets and hooker clients were named after the same gospel. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly few minutes we set aside to talk about some of the atheist, secular, and skeptical events coming up around the country and around the world. Got a lot of good shit going on this month, but we're going to be turning our eyes to May this time, except to remind you that there's still time to make it up, down, or over to Hickory, North Carolina and hang out with Lucinda Heath and me on the 25th of April at ReasonCon. But for the month of May, we're going to start in Orange County, California, where the Orange County

Free Thought Alliance Conference is scheduled to take place on the 3rd of May, featuring Seth Andrews, Hemant Mehta, Nathan Phelps, Tim Farley, and a bunch more. Should be fun, but bring your own water. And of course, if you like legal weed with your humanism, and who doesn't, you can head over to the American Humanist Association's 74th Anthem Conference in Denver, Colorado. Really interesting slate of talks, including lectures on anti-atheist prejudice, social equity, atheism in minority cultures. Should be a great time, and if not, sneak out and get high legally. That's May 7th through the 10th.

And to prove that we're not 100% Ameri-centric here, I want to mention Skepcon in Frankfurt, Germany on the weekend of May 14th. Unfortunately, I am too Ameri-centric to make any attempt at all to pronounce the names of any of these speakers, but if you're in Germany, we love you despite both world wars, and we show you that love by including you in our atheist conferences. Got another one in a place that really needs it

on May 30th, the Kentucky Free Thought Convention. They've got Dan Barker, Matt Dillahunty, Will Gervais, and a handful of other great speakers. Glad to see so many conventions trying to light a candle of reason in these backward-ass parts of the country. One last international note and then we're done. This one's actually in June, the 5th to the 7th to be exact, but I fucked up the city last time we talked about it in the calendar, so I wanted to make sure I got it correct. Imagine No Religion 5 will be in Vancouver this year, which is in British Columbia, which is neither British nor Colombian. Their speaker list is peppered with names like Dawkins, Krauss, Dillahunty, and more. Should be awesome, even for Canada. Thank you. The Holy Bible

When we cracked open the New Testament, our intention was to devote one Babel segment to each of the four Gospels and then devote the next one to a wrap-up in comparison of the four. But after scraping the bones of the same story for the fourth time in search of yet another layer of original dick jokes, we decided that, fuck that,

we're going to consider this to be both the Gospel of John Babel and the Gospel wrap-up. New Testament wrap-up? Is that what you said? That's fantastic! It's about fucking time we wrap this thing up. Sorry, we still have to NSA our way through Paul's correspondences, but at least we're done rereading the same Jesus bits. And joining us to celebrate that fact is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

I want a second huge suggestion there. Two against one, two against one. It's a New Testament wrap-up. Sorry, there is no way we're skipping over Timothy and Revelation. So before we jump into the actual story, it's worth noting that Matthew, Mark, and Luke, taken together, form what are known as the Synoptic Gospels. And what that very literally means is the three you can more or less squeeze together into a coherent story.

So needless to say, John will provide us with something of a different take on the narrative. Right. John's Gospel is more analoptic, which is a word I made up that means distance ourselves from the Jews very quickly. Yeah, right. Yeah, and it all starts right away when we meet Space Jesus. Yes, yes. In this one we get Christ's backstory

going all the way to the beginning of fucking time. So apparently Jesus and his dad started out as a word with what that means. And John's supposed to witness this and testify about it, but he has no fucking clue what's going on. So we end up getting the world's first Abbott and Costello routine. John shows up, sees a small pile of Scrabble tiles, and starts asking questions.

So, you're God? Word. Then, who's the son of God? Word. I feel like this son of God? Word. I feel like this is going to continue as a word. Okay, I really don't have time. Quartess, what challenge? I'm about to leave, but before I go, challenge.

And I know this book wasn't actually written by John, but if it was, what an arrogant asshole. We're six verses in before John starts talking about how sent from God John is. Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's like total biblical humblebrag. Who am I? I'm just your average voice of one crying out of the wilderness sent by God. Do the ladies love me?

Of course the ladies love me. It's not my fault. That's not my fault. John! And the anti-Semitism starts early, too, because when Andrew and Simon find Jesus, they're marveling at having found, quote, a Jew in whom there is no deceit. Right. End quote. And can I also say, by the way, that the John shit gets confusing really quick because we move from talking about John the disciple to talking about John the Baptist with no warning at all.

And I was really hoping for a second that I'd had it wrong this whole time and we were actually going to get a gospel told by the locust muncher himself, but alas, it was just some other John. Also, very weird how this one starts. We go straight from Jesus being the word of which God created the universe to him having a couple of disciples in Galilee.

Very jarring. Right, right. So we're at this wedding and they run out of booze and I start thinking to myself, hey, yeah, where the fuck is this story then, right. So we're at this wedding, and they run out of booze, and I start thinking to myself, hey, yeah, what the fuck is this story then, right? Right, so his mom says, hey, Jesus, do the wine trick. Do the wine trick. He gets all pissed. Fine, whatever.

There's your stupid wine. I'm right in the middle of an elaborate suicide plot. Just a little respect for my time. That's all I'm asking. There's your wine, though. Get a better DJ if you want people to dance. Right, so Jesus' first miracle was getting a bunch of people shit-faced on water. He's imbued with magical powers, and he does that.

So that is stupider than becoming Spider-Man and then using your newfound powers on a skateboarding montage. Fucking break. Yeah. And then we go straight from there to him running the money changers out of the temple. So kind of a random and seemingly hurried rush through Jesus' greatest hits here. More or less. Right, so this is when Jesus runs through the stock exchange with a giant bullwhip and a guy fox mask, flipping over tables and flogging all the traders and their animals until they leave.

And I guess it was supposed to be this epic hero moment, except there were a bunch of doves in there that he clearly couldn't force out of the building because they're birds that fly. So he spends about 15 minutes ruining the big climax, flailing wildly at these birds and missing. And then finally has to walk back outside completely defeated until all the dove wranglers. All right, just get these out of here. You fucking dog. How do you even do that? How does your job work?

Get in those cages. That's crazy. And then we meet Nicodemus. Who gets my vote for coolest name in the Bible. I do like it. And he shows up to ask Jesus, So are you the Messiah or what? And rather than save a ton of confusion, Jesus mutters some psilocybin

wisdom about spirits and flesh and the wind blowing where it chooses. Oh, my God. And when Nicodemus says, what the fuck are you talking about? Jesus is all like, exactly. It all makes sense. Just for the record, here's an actual exchange between Jesus and Nicodemus. This is in the Bible.

Jesus tells Nick, you can't get into heaven unless you get born again. And Nick says, oh, can I crawl back in there and get born again? I had no idea that was a thing. Is that what you meant, Jesus? That I could literally crawl back into my mom's uterus as a grown man? Is that what you meant? And Jesus doesn't correct him at all. He just moves on.

As if nobody asked an absurd uterus crawling type question. What? And we finally get to that part that you see in all the previews about God loving the world so much that he gives his only begotten son. But isn't it funny how quick they are to tout John 3.16, but they very rarely bring up John 3.17 through the rest of the chapter. And the whole book's before it. 3.17 through the rest of the chapter in which Jesus then John the Baptist explained that anybody who doesn't believe he's God must be evil and thus deserves to burn in hell for all eternity.

Kind of undercuts that eternal love angle I guess. Don't see too many lawn signs about that. No. At all. Then Jesus stops by a well to confuse and slut shame some Samaritan woman. Right. Yeah, John's Jesus is the biggest pain in the ass to talk to. His disciples

are having dinner and somebody says, Jesus, you want something to eat? And Jesus says, my food is to do the bidding of he who sent me, and then all you've got is ripe for the harvest, and yada yada. Everybody else must be rolling their eyes and saying, okay, but if you want a fucking biscuit, there's a biscuit.

When you're done. Trying to hand you a piece of food. Right. Very simple. Just eat it. Then in chapter 4, he finally gets around to using his god powers for something other than in sobriety. Yeah, yeah, not quite the healing maniac we saw in the other Gospels.

Not at all. Right, in fact, in chapter 5, he's going to Jerusalem for the second time already. He comes across a whole lake of sick people and heals one. This was so fucking weird. Yeah, I guess apparently an angel would fly down from heaven and stir the large vat of leper pus every time. And whoever was next to dive in would get healed of whatever. So I guess they had a good system in place. But this one guy kept missing his chance because he was paralyzed.

So Jesus heals the guy. And the dude says, oh, this is great. Now heal all the paralyzed people. You can do that? Fantastic. And Jesus says, no. But I will let them cut the line in water parks. Well, there you go.

From what we've seen here, that's clearly the best solution. Makes up for it. But as we all know, there are very strict rules about when you can and you can't magically heal the ill. So all the Jews get pissed off at Jesus to which he says, fuck off, I'm God. And that is the extent of his argument. For

everything. I am God and therefore I am God and those who don't believe that I am God are hated by God. Who is me? Because I hate them and as I just said, I'm God. And John's Jesus has shit for moral philosophy. That's all he's got is the I'm God are hated by God. Who is me? Because I hate them, and as I just said, I'm God. In John's, Jesus has shit for moral philosophy. That's all he's got is the I'm God.

Every time he has a chance to tell people what matters and what doesn't, he says, as long as we can all agree that I'm God, everybody goes to heaven. Right! But of course, he's got to say that in the densest possible way. Like in chapter 6, Jesus goes on for like nine paragraphs about how the bread is him and he's the bread and that whosoever eats of the bread

eats of him and the bread which is God which is him and is the bread. Oh my fucking God. Or in chapter 7 when he says all the same shit again. Right, yeah. And they keep talking about him saying wise stuff without bothering to tell you what the hell the wise stuff was.

Didn't seem important to record that. just in case you missed the discrepancies in the earlier gospels about jesus's birthplace they make sure to point them out in an unmistakable way in this one yeah yeah the one guy's saying sure he looks like a messiah but this dude is from galilee messiahs come from bethlehem right? Well, they certainly don't come from Jew Nazareth. I think we can all agree on that. Am I right? It's like a terrible racist comedian, the entire book. It's like listening to Michael Richards read the Bible. Tell jokes in between.

And then you get to let he who is among you cast a first stone bit, which represents probably the first valid piece of moral advice Jesus gives in this gospel. And interestingly enough, according to my Bible, that was added later and doesn't appear in the older sources. So even that. And regardless, how hard is it to appear enlightened when the two options are help this lady right here to death with large rocks or don't do that?

How hard is it to be an enlightened Jesus? Anyway, after he saves the woman, he starts preaching about being the Messiah again. And I guess the Pharisees thought they were going to be able to trap him on this one. So they asked Jesus to prove his testimony with two witnesses, which is the rules there. And he says, I'm two people. And one of me is God. It's actually three.

I'm really just trying to ease you guys into this. It's at least two. And this works. The Pharisees have to back off. Oh, okay. All right, we're going to need a recess. We did not see that coming with the two. I thought we had them.

And then, wow, that's tricky. Okay, yeah, recess. And at a certain point, John is clearly just trying to up the ante of crazy. He's all like, you thought it was fucked up when Jesus spit in that blind dude's eyes? Well, fasten your seatbelts, bitches. I'm going to have him spit on the ground, the mix to spit into that blind dude's eyes? Well, fasten your seatbelts, bitches. I'm going to have him spit on the ground, then mix the spit into saliva mud, and put that in the blind man's eyes.

Boom. Take that, Mark. By the way, if I'm reading this correctly, they definitely murdered the blind guy. Yeah. So after grinding mud into this guy's eyes, she just sends him to wash his face in a pool that's a few miles away, which is a big move already. He didn't anticipate this.

And that's where Jesus' henchmen clearly abduct and kill the guy, dress up a lookalike who's not blind, and send him back over there to Jesus. And they mention this. They accidentally mention that about half the people standing there say, that's not the original blind guy. That's a different guy you dressed. Look, his clothes don't even fit. That's clearly different. And Jesus says, what are you talking about? You're the blind guy, right?

See, he says he's the blind guy. He's the blind guy, and we're moving on. So unimpressive. So it carries on like that for a while. The Jews will show up and say, you suck. And Jesus will say, I am the one that was sent by the Father, and that is who he is, who is who I am, is. And then they'll throw rocks at him.

He'll escape. It's like a verbose Tom and Jerry cartoon. It's like the ichthy and scratchy. Then Lazarus dies. Who the hell is Lazarus? Apparently the author's guided by the divine hand. Didn't think we needed to know this at all. But there's some guy named Lazarus,. Who the hell is Lazarus? Apparently the authors got it by the divine hand. Didn't think we needed to know this at all. But there's some guy named Lazarus and he's dead.

Jesus is all weepy about it. So he goes to undead him or something. And Jesus tells his sister to roll away the stone in front of the tomb. And she says, are you sure? Because it's going to stink. And even if we buried him alive for your magic trick, he's just like a bad-smelling person. He's probably alive in there from what he told us to do, but he's going to smell. Lo and behold, Lazarus is alive.

And for the Pharisees, bringing people back from the dead was the last straw, so they set out to kill him. But for reals this time. Uh-oh. Then we get the nard cream money shot again. Right. This time with Mary giving him a hairy, oily foot job while Judas Iscariot bitches about the waste of perfectly good nard. It evolved a little bit, didn't it? Right. Yeah, exactly.

I love the little asides that we get in this one, too. Just like in parentheses, the text will actually cut in with little bitchy gossip here and there. Like, be like, but Judas didn't really care about the board. He was just being a dick to Jesus because he's an asshole. But here's the thing. Judas wasn't being care about the poor. He was just being a dick to Jesus because he's an asshole. But here's the thing. Judas wasn't being unreasonable at all there. Somehow this lady in ancient Israel had a pint of something worth about $40,000 in today's money. A pint.

I'm trying to think of anything that's worth $40,000 a pint. What would that even – maybe Bill Cosby nard cream. That's about it. I can't imagine. What else you could have a pint of that might be worth anything close to $40,000? Also, interesting note here. This is from chapter 13. In this one, Jesus goes off to be crucified before

the Passover. So, speaking of contradictions, that and all the other details in this book. Yeah, like the Last Supper in this one is way more porny. Jesus gets up in the middle of dinner. He changes into a towel and starts washing everybody's feet.

And you can basically hear the boom-chicka-wop-wop playing in the background. It's ridiculous. In the Old Testament, feet often make dick. So I don't know if that carries over into the New Testament, too. I'm going to double check because that would be a radical reinterpretation. I don't think Bill O'Reilly would like that reinterpretation whatsoever. But it would improve the ratings on his Killing Jesus show. But honestly, if Jesus had been literally blowing those guys under the table,

that would have been far less weird than the creepy-ass foot fetish S&M show that they did. Dry the spaces between my toes using your loincloth. Shudder,

cringe, vomit. And then Jesus spends three fucking chapters summing up the solitary message of this gospel to his disciples.

Abide in me and nobody has to go to hell. And then he spends a fourth chapter saying the same thing to God. Yeah. Right. And then they're about to slap the cuffs on Jesus, of course, and Simon Peter cuts the dude's ear off, says Beetlejuice three times, summons Michael Keaton,

which ends up being useless, so J.C. gets arrested and taken to the palace. Big trouble. Then they give Jesus to Pilate, who tries to talk to him for five minutes and gets sick of his beatnik nonsense. He tries to give him back to the Jews. They don't want him. Right. So Pilate says, like, what if I just flog him and put thorns on his head? Would you take him back, like, post-flogging?

No? Absolutely not. And once again, the crucifixion itself plays out in a completely novel way. This time, Jesus is sucking wine off a stick right before he dies. Yeah, where the hell did that come from? Did I say stick? I did say stick. By the way, let's not forget that poignant scene right after that

when four really creepy Roman soldiers played rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to keep J.C.'s post-crucifixion munged-up underwear. Touching moment that actually happened in your book. Pretty fucked up shit. And the reveal on him rising is just as incongruous with the other shit. This time Mary Magdalene finds the empty tomb, and a couple of disciples go to check it out, and then he appears to Mary, and then he appears to everybody but Thomas,

and then he appears to everybody including Thomas. So fucking weird. Weird. And finally, Thomas fingers his wrist holes. Right. Been waiting for this fucking Gospels for that. And finally, we get the stigmata bang. Right.

It's kind of icky, but still. And what a strange fucking reason to introduce this. Basically, this guy Thomas won't believe somebody's a magical ghost until he can put his dick in their death wound. Right. There's so many other ways to settle that bet. Jesus is ghost. Joseph, all right, you want to stick your head into my kidney?

Go for it. And then there's this really weird epilogue where Peter, Thomas, and a couple of the other disciples are out fishing naked, and then Jesus shows up on the beach to point to all the fishy spots, and then they have filet-o-fish together for breakfast. Fascinating.

And in the closing sentence, we learn that this is John who wrote this shit. We know he's telling the truth, and if you think he isn't, you're burning in hell. And there's also a lot of cool shit that Jesus did that he left out. Yeah, he's like, oh, you ought to believe all of the awesome shit

that I didn't talk about. Now, I can't help but try to place the writing of this gospel in modern times. You know, like, most biblical scholars would tell you that John was written at least a few decades after the last of the synoptic gospels. So you got to imagine that there were gospel geeks that were walking out of this one complaining they already knew the other three. And they're like, oh, man, they fucked up the John the Baptist part. What the hell? Where was the donkey iced? Mark was way better.

They should have stayed true to Mark. It's not Simon Peter. It's Steve Dave. Fuck yeah. Tell him They should have stayed true to Mark. It's not Simon Peter. It's Steve Dave. Fuck yeah. Tell him. I have good news, though. According to my nook, we're 86% of the way through this damn thing. Well, yeah, the bad news is that our next book acts as the longest one in the New Testament,

but after that, it's like the last one is the only other long one. All five of the shortest books are yet to come. There's still more books. Well, yeah. I got to be honest. If anything, I've lost sympathy for people that got crucified. Granted, all of them

didn't commission shitty, long-ass biographies about it, but still, I've lost a lot of sympathy for that group. Yeah, yeah. Whoever called his crucifixion the ultimate suffering obviously never had to read this fucking book. That Jew is back on the crucifix again. I hope his hands get nailed and I'm blood-battered.

Ha ha ha! It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that sneaks up on you when you most expect it. Our first message comes from several listeners wondering about the roast of God that we'll be doing at ReasonCon. It's going to be awesome. A lot of the listeners that can't make it are wondering if the audio or video will be available later. Right. Yes. And I don't mean yes as in it will.

I mean yes as in unfortunately we don't know yet. But yes, I know that you asked that question. We might be able to capture the audio while we're there. We might not be recording with a studio audience. Presents all kinds of problems we don't usually have to deal with here. Also, the organizers might be videotaping it and releasing it on YouTube later. We're not sure yet. But when we know, you will know. All right. Well, it changes might be videotaping it and releasing it on YouTube later. We're not sure yet, but when we know,

you will know. It changes what you're going to say. We're still debating how much it would hurt our chances at winning the GOP presidential primary. So there's a lot of competing factors at play here. Political aspirations to consider. 48% of

our political aspirations. We also got a couple of emails about Diatrips Volume 2. So yes, we're definitely planning on publishing Diatrips 51 through 100 in an upcoming book. But right now, with the two shows a week to knock out, a deity to roast in a couple of weeks, and a couple of other literary projects we're working on that I'm going to be mysterious about, I've been able to find approximately zero time to work on the compilation itself. We're hoping that things will slow down a bit in May. We'll be able to give it a little bit more time, give you a specific answer when it is available. And finally, we got an email

from The Shadow, who has not yet figured out that we're a bad place to go for dating advice. He writes, quote, after watching Going Clear, I have to admit that I've developed a fetish for brainwashed chicks working for slave wages on boats. I had so much luck with the Mormons after your pickup line top ten on them, that I was hoping you could do the same with the Scientologists. Well, The Shadow, that's just about all the urging we're going to need. So without further ado, it's time for our top ten Scientologist pickup lines. All right, number ten. Can I buy you a Kool-Aid?

Number nine. Right. Number ten. Can I buy you a Kool-Aid? Number nine. So, do you come to the cargo hold of this tax shelter slave ship often? Number eight. Hey, are we inside the volcano full of alien souls here, or are you really that hot? Number seven. That would probably not work. How about I squeeze your cans for a few minutes and we talk about whatever pops up? Number six. It's not the size of your congregation that counts.

It's how you use them. Now we're on Hubbard's advice. Number five, you're a pirate sex slave for 40 cents an hour? That's cool. That's cool. I'm an accountant. You could pretend to do that on camera for about a thousand times better pay, you know. Just saying.

Not on track. Number four, if you're willing to swallow this Dianetics nonsense saying. I'm not on track. Number four. If you're willing to swallow this Dianetics nonsense, what I've got in mind should be easy. Number three. Okay, what if I give you a dime and I promise to finish in 15 minutes? Can we get a retail wholesale thing going? Pro-rated. Number two.

Oh, you wanted a thetan out. That is not what I heard i'm so sorry it sounded like whatever number one did your ass go clear because i can see myself going interior and remember the shadow whether the scientologist of your eye says yes or no as long as you get this shit on video we all win so try all 10 of out. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we fade to black tonight, I wanted to offer one more thanks to all the people that voted for us in the podcast awards. Thank you. family to vote, and I sincerely want to thank you for that. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but if you want more, be sure to check out our sister show, The Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts are downloaded.

New 30-minute episodes drop every Monday morning at 8 a.m. Eastern and contain the same approximate dick joke per minute ratio as this show, so have fun with that. Obviously, I can't close out without thanking Heath for all his verbal jujitsu. I want to thank Lucinda for not yet burning her Bible in protest of this thought-forsaken holy babble segment. Of course, I want to thank Seth Andrews of the Thinking Atheist podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If we come up short on the podcast awards, I really hope it's because we lost to him. He puts out a phenomenal show that has set the bar for the Atheist podcasts for years. If by some quirk of fate you're not familiar with the Thinking Atheist, do yourself a favor, follow the link on the show notes for this episode at

skatingatheist.com. But most of all of all of course i need to thank this week's best people james daniel dave steven lee gj aslak rachel with two a's and two e's and zach with no h james daniel and dave who would need to retask a satellite to take a dick pic steven lee and gj who the number 42 comes to when it has questions and aslak like Rachel with two A's and two E's, and Zach with no H, who are cooler than Ernest Shackleton's scrotum. Together, these nine refined, benign doubters of the divine have declined to consign their bloodline to the supine shrine of the asinine this week by giving us money. Not everybody has what it takes to give us money, because it takes money. But if you have money and you want to give it to us, you can make a per-episode donation

at patreon.com slash scathingatheist. We've added a few more milestone goals, so not only will you be getting longer versions of every episode a little bit sooner than everybody else, but you'll also be helping us to provide you with more and better content every week. Of course, you can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com, and that's really awesome, too. And if you'd like to help but your money is being guarded by a leprechaun you're not on speaking terms with, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes or wherever else you might be allowed to leave us a five-star review. You can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, and that's pretty much it because fuck all those other fly-by-night social media platforms. It's just not worth it. If you have questions, comments,

or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. I mean, we might put this on the outtakes or something. Now there's a recipe for napalm. Right, exactly. It's definitely not styrofoam and gasoline. That's just ridiculous.

Apple juice and No idea why I would even make that up just now.