The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 113: Gay Bomb Edition

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

In this week's episode we'll learn how to squat like a Muslim, the Bar Room Atheists will learn to stop worrying and love the gay bomb, and the Atheist Avengers will join us for their take on the cape versus no cape controversy.

Warning, the following podcast will probably offend those prudish fuckers that don't like profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new religious online dating site that's really bad with acronyms. God Recommends Intolerant Dating Rituals, or GRINDER. Are you frustrated with the weak-ass reform sites like Christian Mingle? Are you looking for a mate with similar genetics so you can build an ugly army of kids together? Are you tired of finding out your perfect Christian bride from Craigslist is actually a dude? Then Grindr is the

place for you. God recommends intolerant dating rituals. Please don't try to guess our website. Just follow the link. Always click on the link. And now, the scathing atheist. This is Working Class Skeptic, and I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. You should see the apes hanging from my family tree.

Hey, it's Thursday. It's April 16th. And the word of the day is... Wait. The word of the day is wait. No allusion? I'm Ethan Wright. I'm confused which show it is. And from another hick in the Walmart, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we'll learn how to shit like a Muslim. The barroom atheists learn to stop worrying and love the gay bar. And the atheist adventurers stop in to discuss proper villain bantering strategies. But first, the year 90 CE. Imagine that right now you had to sit down and start writing, and then a week from now, whatever you've jotted down, that's going to be whisked back in time, like, sewn into the flesh of a

Terminator or whatever, and then translated for all the people back then to read. And further, imagine that you have some reasonable assurance that people are actually going to read what you wrote. They're going to read it, they're going to preserve it over the millennia, and they're going to trust it. Now you have a chance to send a message back to zeroth century humanity that they're actually

going to listen to. What would it say? You know, you might start with some moral advice, you know, maybe some stuff about racial and gender equality, maybe something about not owning slaves or committing genocide. I'm guessing you'd toss in some stuff to try to steer them towards proper science,

like a primer on the scientific method, maybe a little bit of stuff on the germ theory of disease, DNA evolution, some heliocentrism, you know, basics of astronomy, that kind of stuff. Maybe throw in some practical advice, like proper hygiene. And knowing you the way I do, you might say something about not worshiping imaginary beings too, right? Then maybe you'd warn them about some future disasters or something so they could avoid them, and then also know that your book was legit going forward and that's just what you do right like knowing our our demographic you're just an above average person you're you're a long ways from omniscient well patreon donors are obviously excluded in that statement but most of you aren't omniscient you're just human beings

with 2 000 more years of accrued knowledge to draw from. So now imagine that instead of having to write it yourself, imagine you could just send any book you wanted back. You could choose from all the compendiums of human knowledge and pick the one that's like the most useful that you could possibly send back. Now my obvious question, of course, is of all the shit that you could send back, if you made a list from like the most to the least useful thing you could give to the people of 90 CE, where would the Bible land?

Assuming that they didn't have it and weren't going to get it, where would that rank on the list of the most useful books that we could gift to our ancestors? Would it be above some 101-level texts on physics or chemistry? Or an encyclopedia, maybe? A couple of the seminal works that sparked the scientific revolution. But for fuck's sake, humanity would benefit more if you sent back the opening sequence to the Jetsons than they would from the Bible. Can a Christian even argue that humanity wouldn't be better off

with a few basic 21st century medical texts than stories about Moses wrestling God with his super foreskin powers? Can you even pretend that the Decalogue would be more useful than the Bill of Rights? So how is it that this omnipotent being is less qualified to instruct his people than the least educated person listening to this show? How is it that a being that knows all the shit that we're ever going to discover can't manage to stick a single useful kernel of knowledge into his book that wasn't already known at the time of its writing?

You know, set aside all the stuff that the Bible gets wrong, even by the standards of what was known at the time, why wouldn't God put a single new piece of information in there? You know, I always think about the Protestant Reformation. You know, Martin Luther translates the Bible into a vernacular language, and it's a big deal, and it's forbidden, and it's burned and suppressed everywhere. The Catholic Church can get it, right? And I just think about the profound disappointment of some dude that finally gets his hands on it. You know, he reads it in secret for fear of being burned as a heretic, but it's worth it because he can finally read the word of God for himself.

And then he starts reading, and he's going, what the fuck is this all about? You know, here I thought I had the key to all the heavenly wisdom, and I get a decoded version, and it's just a bunch of repetitive Jewish fables and talking donkeys? They have to feel exactly like those upper-tier Scientologists finally learning about the alien volcano Xenu shit. Just think about the last time you walked out of a movie

that you were sure was going to be good. You know, you walk out, and you still don't want to admit to yourself just how bad it sucks, so you're trying to find something you liked, and you're about halfway into formulating a thought about how the lighting was pretty good, you realize you just can't mask your disappointment anymore. Think about that. Now add four orders of magnitude

and imagine that you went to see Man of Steel under the threat of being burned alive. That's how these people must have felt. I mean, look, if the proposition requires that you take any book at all and say, this book is perfect and forged by God or revealed by God or inspired by God or whatever, that's a tough proposition. But why the hell don't any of these people at least start with good books?

I mean, the Hebrew Bible, the New Testament, the Koran, the Book of Mormon, these are some of the most horrid pieces of shit ever constructed with words. Letters and punctuation marks are embarrassed by the part they played in creating those motherfuckers. Couldn't some religion at least use the complete works of Dr. Seuss or something, something that actually has some redeeming moral value? Look, when we first started reading the Bible, I wasn't sure what we were up against. You know, the whole point was to find out, is it really as bad as the atheists say? Is it as good as the theists say?

Or, as I thoroughly believed it would be before we cracked it open, is it somewhere in between? And I've been hesitant to condemn the whole book until now because we haven't gotten to the Jesus bits, but after reading the four Gospels and most of Acts, I feel pretty confident in saying that you'd have to work damn hard to even think of a worse book to base centuries of human fealty on. Unless, of course, you were allowed to work damn hard to even think of a worse book to base centuries of human fealty on. Unless, of course, you are allowed to use the other holy books. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight is podcast award-winning Heath Enright. Heath, are you regretting our decision not to attend the ceremony? Well, it's definitely good that Chris Jericho didn't hear anything I said during the show. Yeah, right. And honestly, if I was in Vegas getting free drinks all day at a poker table, he probably would have. And it would not have gone well for me. Yeah, presentation was pretty awful. In case the Podcast Award people are listening, Heath and I volunteer to host next year free of charge

if the other alternative is watching Chris Jericho and Emily Moore shit all over the good name of comedy once again. In our lead story tonight, the government of Iran has officially suspended the standard practice of pilgrimage to Mecca by its citizens amidst growing tensions with Saudi Arabia. Experts are speculating this has something to do with the Shia-majority Iran and Sunni-majority Saudi Arabia currently lining up on opposite sides of World War III. Possibly. But more specifically, this might have been a response to alleged abuse of two Iranian citizens going through a Saudi airport trying to return home. Oddly enough, American airports have been abusing Iranians for decades in hopes of a similar decree, but nothing yet. It's nice to see American culture catching on in the kingdom. So according to Hossein Hushabadi of the Iranian Cultural Ministry,

pilgrimage to Mecca will remain suspended until the Saudi government takes more of a serious stance against protecting the rights of foreign travelers. He also suggested that capital punishment was the proper avenue for this case, but didn't elaborate any further than that. And just to translate that, somebody needs to get murdered. I'm not sure who that would be, but somebody's got to get their head chopped off by a government official before we consider Saudi Arabia peaceful enough to visit again. Yeah, there are so many good reasons to ban travel to Saudi Arabia.

I mean, the things about Saudi Arabia list and the reasons not to go to Saudi Arabia list are identical. And yet the Iranians somehow still managed to do this incorrectly. And in mushroom clouds for Jesus news tonight, ex-Congresswoman Michelle Bachman did an interview last week with Jan Markell of Understanding the Times, which is a Christian broadcast that describes itself as a radio show about prophecy-related

news and headlines. As you might imagine with that type of show, the typical format has a guest come on to make shit up, and then they talk about the resulting apocalypse. what else could they do fuck you and your mess representations understanding the times a radio show about prophecy related news and headlines sounds like this that's what we're doing right now if you

actually lived up to your marketing statement your whole broadcast would be shit like in today's news egypt still exists and there's no dragons in Iraq. And now something else. That would be it. That's all you could say. Right. So obviously, Michelle Bachman is perfect for this show. Clearly. She says things like, the Bible tells us that President Obama's deal with Iran will cause the tornadoes we had last week. And also the financial meltdown coming up next week.

meltdown coming up next week. Now, I'm not sure where in the Bible it warns against nuclear non-proliferation or specific weather and economy-related penalties, but she sounded pretty confident. You have to read between the lines of her Bible specifically, because that's where she scrawls all of her paranoid fantasies with the blood of pigeons. It's between the lines of her Bible. All right, so just to recap Bachman's idea here, Obama's Islamic Jihad plan is working all too well, especially now that he's helped Israel maintain their status

as the only Middle Eastern nation with a secret public nuclear arsenal. Meanwhile, God's biological clock is ticking like this, so Bachman's pretty sure it's time to finally throw that end times party. She's pretty happy about it. She actually was excited in the interview. And Jesus might not be coming, you know, this minute, but he's already started making that weird face that I'm guessing my box knows from experience means it's about time for the pull-out money shot.

Yeah. Jesus' return. Vinegar strokes. My wife's orgasm of theological milestones. And in Istanbul shit news tonight, in the wake of a controversial plan to build a mosque on the campus of the Istanbul Technical University, more than 6,000 Turkish students have risen up to demand the mosque be accompanied by the religious facility of their choice, a Jedi temple.

Fantastic. Translated from what I think Google Translate was trying to say, the petition reads, quote, They did their best. Translated from what I think Google Translate was trying to say, the petition reads, quote, uneducated Padawans are unable to control their powers and thus could be switched to the dark side. To control that power, we want Jedi temples with a Jedi council that will train and raise new Jedis. End quote. Go Terps. Jihad, space travel, fanatical group of followers who all dress up in costumes. Jedi craves not these things.

No, although ISIS guys with lightsabers would be pretty spooky. Representing yet another protest against the Turkish government's active backslide from secularity, the students rightly see the proposed campus mosque as part of a larger attempt to remake Turkey's education system in an Islamic fashion. Turkey's president of religious affairs, whose existence is a pretty solid argument that they're already too theocratic, announced this campus mosque along with about 80 more last year, along with an effort also, by the way, to convert at least one secular university in Istanbul into a center for Islamic learning. So clearly they're sick and tired of ranking 91st in the world in education and want to

shoot for triple digits. If you were doing better, you'd realize that was bad. But, you know, when you're 91st, what the hell are you going to do? And in nursery crimes news tonight, an eighth grade student at Wilson Middle School in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, was refused medical treatment and thrown out of the office by the school nurse after refusing to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance earlier this month. What? Fortunately, no American soldiers were harmed as a result of the incident, but...

Yeah, right? How does this bizarre fascist liturgy not freak everyone out? I mean, even if you set aside the God thing, a bunch of seven-year-old kids swearing an oath of allegiance to their government, that's fucking creepy. That should creep everyone out. Right. So the nurse, I guess, told her to get up

and the kid explained, well, you know, as you can see, I've injured my ankle, so maybe you could just perform your required job. I don't really have time for extra nationalism

at this exact moment. If you could just speak. If you want to get to the case law, we can, but I can assure you the Supreme Court has roundly rejected mandatory talking. So if you want to get into the case law, we can, but I can assure you, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected mandatory talking. And I guess she was a little too eloquent, and none of that really went over well with the nurse.

Right, the nurse is sitting there going, like, oh, I'm sorry, all I have is American inhalers. Is there any communist jihadi inhalers? No, no, just these true American Christian ones. Sorry, can't help you. Right, so the kid refuses to say the pledge, and it looks like the nurse responds with something like, then get the fuck out of my office. Apparently, yes.

You don't have to pledge allegiance to Christian God in a fabric rectangle, then I don't have to provide you medical treatment. Those are equivalent. Well, turns out none of that went over well either in the grand scheme. In response to the incident, the American Humanist Association, or AHA, wrote a letter explaining what equivalent means and how those things are not. It also explained how medicine, constitutions, and morality works in general. Right, and apparently they also had to explain how hierarchy works

when the school administrators seem to think that district policy that we're making up on the fly superseded federal law somehow. Why would you think even that you get... Right? No. By the way, if anyone can't place the name, you may remember the AHA as the evil antagonists from the movie Do You Believe in Kirk Cameron's Crash by Kirk Cameron.

It's all just starting to bleed together now. They were the evil people who got crushed by a thing in the middle of a train track. By God. And in never-go-Judas-to-mouth news tonight, an unnamed Italian priest has been fired for making it too easy on Heath and me. This time in the form of participating in gay orgies, during which he encouraged his lovers to pretend to be Judas Iscariot and atone for their sins. These orgies, of course, were both consensual and legal,

and thus the Vatican elected to terminate the priest rather than promote and or protect him. That union rep has an interesting job. Right, doesn't he? Interesting to read his email. The allegation originally came to light when a spurned lover offered evidence that the priest in question frequented a number of gay prostitutes. Vatican officials say that they were taking turns examining the evidence closely in a semi-dark room with handy wipes, but fear that it might take months of examination before the investigation is complete.

I'm a jury. Okay, but here's the part I don't understand. Just the one? Just the one thing. So during the orgies, was it like one dude dressed as Jesus and the other six guys dressed as Judas, or would it be closer to half and half? I just feel like it's going to be confusing either way unless you have more characters.

You're going to have to get all the disciples involved in punishing Judas, I do believe. Now, the Spurn Lover Inquestion also claims that among the priests, many willing Judas gimps were a number of members of the Swiss Guard, the Vatican's security force that protects the Pope and already has issues with not coming across as very butch. Pope Fab expressed disappointment in the allegations, telling Italian

reporters that he was kind of hoping most of his bodyguards were tops. And while you silently compute the difference in response time between accusations like this and the ones that involve kid-fucking, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants.

If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I have to admit that if you have a couple minutes to fill every week with news stories about misogyny, there aren't many things that make your job easier than a Hillary Clinton presidential candidacy. And that's not an endorsement per

se, but something tells me I'll spend the next 19 months with plenty of headlines to pick like these. We'll start with conservative columnist Don Fetter, who flogged the English language mercilessly in a post that went Godwin five words into the title. Top 10 reasons why Hitler-y will never be president. And wouldn't you know that among his post-alphabet soup defecation was the fact that she's just not pretty enough. And rather than pour all of the derision and scorn upon him that he so richly deserves, I'm going to pull an audible and simply commend conservative columnist Don Fetter

for admitting publicly that he'd rather fuck Barack Obama than Hillary Clinton. But in an effort to make Fetter's objections seem reasonable by comparison, Cheryl Rios, the CEO of a Texas marketing firm, has stirred up a shitstorm over her recent comments suggesting that women can't be president because of hormones and the Bible. Rios explains that if Hillary wins, she's moving to Canada where they know better than to elect women to the highest office. Except in 1993, which I'm guessing she doesn't know about. So to Sheryl Rios and all the other idiots that say they're going to move to another country

if the candidate they don't like gets elected, first of all, we're happy to see you go. But secondly, nobody else wants you. Sorry. And not to be outdone, conservative activist and man whose obituary is bound to end with the words, and then he turned the gun on himself, Larry Klayman upped the level of rhetorical insanity as he so often wanted to do. In an interview with Pete Santilli, who once infamously called for Hillary to be, quote, shot in the vagina, end quote, Klayman agreed that Hillary, quote, is technically a woman, but she acts more like an evil man, end quote.

And finally, we'll turn to my new bestie, Fox News host and endless supply of stupid, Andrea Tantaros. Now, I'll admit this one is less sexist and more just idiotic, but in response to reports that Hillary stopped at a Chipotle during her campaign trip to Iowa, Tantaros explained that the only reason she did that was to court the Hispanic vote. So yeah, I guess if she stops at an Olive Garden, a Panda Express, and a Popeye's Fried Chicken, she'll lock down all the minority votes, huh? Something tells me all it's going to take to win the Hispanic vote is getting nominated by the party

that isn't threatening to secede from the union over immigration reform. Okay, so I promise not to fill the next year and a half of this segment entirely with sexist shit right-wing pundits say about Hillary, but I think it's worth noting that I almost certainly could. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines, from the creationing shit- up file, self-proclaimed warrior against evolution and humanism, Eric Hovind was paid to deliver a creationist propaganda sermon to a public school debate class in LaGrange, Georgia last month under the guise of a critical thinking seminar. Oh, critical thinking.

The typesetter must have left out the of. Critical of thinking seminar. That's what they meant to say. Something like that. Now, just to give everyone an idea of what we're dealing with, during one section of Hovind's not-at-all-religious presentation, he offers two options for the creation of the Grand Canyon. Option A, it formed exactly the way geologists say it formed, or option B, there was a worldwide secular flood.

I guess it was this kind of cryptic subtlety that made it hard for the school to realize there was a religious message embedded within his tricky presentation. Exactly, exactly, yeah. If they wanted to know he was a creationist, they'd really have to do some digging or click on anything on Google about him at all

that isn't talking about his dad's felonious tax evasion any other link that you click they could have done any of those two things they could have dug or googled so the ffrf responded this by sending a letter to the school explaining how there's nothing about the job title lifelong leader guy of a christian apologetics ministry that quote indicates any expertise or experience in teaching critical thinking skills or any other topic relevant to secular education. Yeah, right. In response, Principal Chip Meadors said something stupid.

Yeah, right. I'm not even going to get into it. I love the FFRF. He's not qualified to teach anyone anything about anything. That's basically what it said. And in Telescope's monkey trial news tonight, religion is quite literally standing in the way of science in Hawaii, leading to a postponement in the construction of the planned 30-meter telescope due to the fact that ancient Polynesian gods have dibs on that land.

This is only the latest in a series of protests against the telescope's construction, though admittedly most of the previous protests centered around things that actually exist, like the environment. But it would seem now that the environmental concerns have been addressed, the opponents, rather than being satisfied their concerns were met, switched to new concerns that can't possibly be quantified, measured, or mitigated. It's just like disingenuous bullshit in that way. It's almost indistinguishable. Typical corporate imperialism. Same old story. Big telescope, you know, coming in,

trying to exploit the environment while they rake in the millions, looking at stuff far away. Exactly. There's a lot of money in those distant photons. In a petition urging the consortium of nations and scientists behind the TMT to stop furthering human understanding of the cosmos,

superstitious asshat said, quote, truly respecting the host culture of this land means respecting sacred places that the culture has held in reverence for millennia, end quote. So never mind that human habitation of the Hawaiian islands doesn't actually date back for millennia. At the earliest, we're talking 300 CE. And even if it did, assuming that a place deemed sacred in the present day has been so for thousands of years in the absence of written or archaeological evidence would be more insane than assuming the Bible is true.

But even if you're fucking right, you're still an idiot, because who cares? All right, so I'm just spitballing here a solution what if as a compromise it became a sacred place with the telescope it's just both it's both of those things the telescope guys agree they won't exercise the hawaiian spirit guy and you know the locals agree they won't orchestrate elaborate construction worker accidental deaths to make everybody scared. Ooh, it's been the curse. Look, guys, Pahunu, the sacred spirit of the coconut, doesn't fucking exist, and thus has no general requirements for where his sacred place is.

Could be a broom closet. He could move. Doesn't have to be a volcano. He doesn't exist. Doesn't fucking matter. Massive telescopes, on the other hand, can't be built just any old where. All right, how about if he says something? We'll stop.

Yeah, there you go. Or any of them says anything ever. Look, the dark skies and elevation of this telescope would make it one of the top three astronomical observation platforms in the history of Earth, and it can't really be built anywhere else. In the simplest possible term, it will help us see further and know more. That is exactly the opposite of what religion does. That is exactly the opposite of what religion does. And in When Shiite Hits the Can news tonight,

Turkey's Directorate of Religious Affairs issued a new fatwa last week declaring that Muslim citizens are now officially allowed to use toilet paper instead of scraping fecal matter from their ass using their left hand and three shit rocks. Which is what they were doing. using their left hand and three shit rocks. Which is what they were doing. Which means until now, either a bunch of Turkish bathrooms had used shit rocks sitting there next to the toilet, or the other option is people carried around

three personal ass rocks at all times in case they were shitting. Guys, guys, paper beats rock. You don't need a fat one to tell you that. But I love that in this fat one, he still stressed that toilet paper or no, you need to wash your ass with water. Now, look, I'm American.

I don't even know how that works without like a bidet or a hose or something. Or do you, I mean, do you just wet the rocks? Do you carry like a disposable wash? My thing here is though, that if your whole society feels the need to pressure wash their ass crack after every bowel movement, time to start rethinking that cultural diet. On the good side. So I'm sure everybody appreciates the quilted northern option over the three shards of volcanic glass. But as I understand it, the process of using the restroom still remains kind of a pain in the ass for Muslims.

restroom still remains kind of a pain in the ass for muslims the new fatwa is a modification on islam's official excretion guidelines or kadahul haja there's a name for it's a real thing they have but most of these old rules still apply which includes my favorite new piece of knowledge muslim dudes aren't supposed to be standing up the rule says everyone has to squat or sit, male or female. They're supposed to all be doing that. Really? Yeah. All of a sudden the whole Ramadan thing's making sense to me. They're just doing this so they don't have to squat, pee, and clean their asses with

a super soaker and granite quite as often. You wouldn't want to eat if you had to shit like that either. Right. So here's a few more of those rules. Oh, please. Devout Muslims are still required to enter the can left-footed and leave right-footed. Guess that's not that hard. Also, they can't bring the crossword puzzle, and they're not allowed to look at their genitals.

And if they're blind, they're not allowed to read the bumps either. And possibly the trickiest part, now that the ass rocks are optional, they're not allowed to excrete wastes while facing toward the Holy Land. So if the direction to Mecca doesn't line up nicely, I guess they have to straddle the tank and shit backwards?

Side saddle? It never works out. I don't know. This is an idea. If Israel really wants to mess with their Muslim population, really want to push that Palestinian border out a little bit, maybe tone down the rockets and just have the backs of all the toilets and urinals face Mecca. Right.

Or even better, I was thinking they could have like a constantly rotating 360 degree thing going on. Really fuck with it. Stop midstream and burn. Or mid-sh... I don't know. That would be tough. And finally tonight, from the going down in a poof of smoke file, the host of the Family Research Council's Washington Watch did a commendable job of physically restraining his urge to label his caller a fucking nut last week when a listener suggested that perhaps

the Pentagon is using weaponized aphrodisiacs to secretly turn Americans gay. The caller explained that the Pentagon already had gay bombs, which he verified by Googling Pentagon gay bomb, and wondered if perhaps the U.S. government was secretly using such weapons against its own people. Well, Google seems pretty convinced. When I typed Pentagon, the third suggestion was Pentagon gay bomb. That was where they were very quick. I mean, maybe they just knew that was what I wanted to search for, but then it should have been the first suggestion.

It's usually whatever I type, gay bomb comes in after. Now, I have to admit, when we first saw this particular headline, I was sure that we were just going to be making fun of the guy. But I looked, you know, I took his advice. I Googled it as well. It is on the Internet, so it must be true. So to help our listeners cope with the pending gay ordinance attacks, we've invited a few military-savvy friends to give us some advice. Yes, we did.

Bill and Susie host the Barroom Atheist Podcasts, and they are both veterans of both the military and losing-to-me-in-fantasy championship games. Bill, Susie, welcome back to the show. Thanks, guys. Yeah, appreciate that. You didn't assume that it was going to take long for me to bring up the fantasy championship thing, did you? Yeah. It kind of relates.

Yeah, there's definitely going to be some butt hurt in both instances. So now, first of all, give us sort of what are your military credentials? Which branch did you guys serve in? We were both Air Force, and I'm retired. And I served almost five years. Oh, right on, right on. Awesome, awesome. Well, I thank you for your service, but if I'm thanking you, that probably just diminishes it when other people do it.

Now, I have to ask, because your service, if I'm reading this correctly, seems to overlap with the development of these gay bombs. So when you were in the military, did you ask and were you told about gay bombs? And sub-question, if you did have to ask, how were you able to afford it? The gay bomb that you bought. Actually, I predate Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Do you really? Yeah, that was Clinton. I came in under the first George Bush, so they asked.

They made you fucking tell. Oh, right. Now, you were not an atheist at that time, right? Because atheists weren't real Americans under the first George Bush. That's correct. I was a closeted atheist to our kind of real Americans. Did they have the gay bombs back when you guys were in the Air Force? Absolutely.

Okay. So it's a real thing. Okay. Now, how do those differ from regular ordnance? Well, see, if they release a nerve agent on you, everybody yells, gas, gas, gas, and gets in the hole. Now, if it's a gay bomb, they yell, ass, ass, ass. I see. A different communication system makes it.

Right. So it's a different warning system. And different detection, too. With a nerve agent, you use like a chemical litmus paper. With the gay bomb, they issued us a picture of the first lady barbara bush at the time and if she started to look hot then barbara bush naked on a cold day your cheek meter was starting to swing toward dude you know what i'm saying

not everybody has a picture of barb of Barbara Bush that they can easily access. So, of course, we do have a national gay bomb defense warning system. It's kind of like the regular bomb raid siren, but it has a lisp. So tell us, what should we do in the event of a gay air raid? Great question. We were trained on this. And actually, if you are ever confronted with a Charlie Oscar, Charlie Kilo, we had an acronym for it. We had an acronym for it.

The acronym is DICK. First, it's distraction. Try show tunes. Because if you can get a sing-along going, the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane, that may save you a little butt hurt. Okay. Good advice. However, they did caution us nothing from the Rocky Horror Picture Show

under any circumstance. No time war. Number two, the eye. The eye is interdiction. Now, we had a med kit with what they call quick clot in there. And you pour that on an open wound. That will cauterize it and seal it. What you got to do –

I think I know where we're going. Right up the Alpha Hotel. What that will do is that will seal everything up, okay? It makes like an artificial hymen. That's what Alpha Hotel – It's a hiney hymen. It's a Heineheimen It's a Heineheimen I see that brings us to C I do believe

If all else fails Clench don't do it You just gotta ride it out at that point Just don't do it You just go with it It's like a skid I gotcha That is gay bomb survival 101 I feel prepared now Air force style You just go with it. It's like a skid. I got you. That is gay bomb survival 101 for you.

I feel prepared now. Air Force style. All right, so what you're saying is whatever you do, don't get under the desk. No, that's a bad place to be. At least not with your ass hanging out. All right, now let's switch a little from the defense to the offense because I'm kind of curious how these things work. When you load them into a cannon, is there a a different part of the cannon you have to put does it have like a separate orifice for the gay bombs or does it just go in the regular well

there are numerous deployment systems no um we had the santorum sidewinder missile of course and of course the tom cruise missile can't believe i didn't see that one coming. It was really a top gun. I got to say, I got to say, that's, I believe, two for two that you guys have been on the show and that Tom Cruise being gay has come up. It really, to me, it kind of lays bare the nefarious motives that were behind the push to allow gays in the military. I thought that was progressive, but now I see that if one of these should accidentally go off, you could lose an entire elite squadron if you didn't change that policy. Well, I was at the testing of these things when they first started testing these game options. It's funny because they only used women to test them on, and all the senior officers

needed private viewing areas. I don't know why. Awesome. Now, okay, so I do want to switch this to an atypically serious note here. Why do you guys think that gay rights has become such – like the front line for the theater crowd? It seems like they're putting all their chips on the let's keep the gays from getting rights portion of the field, whatever that is. And I'm curious if you guys have any thoughts on that. Why has it become such a big deal?

Or why has so much of the Christian focus gone that direction now? Because they've lost everywhere else. They can't force you to pray in schools anymore. They can't silence the rest of us. And the gays are the... Whenever you're trying to get a movement going and get people angry, you need a villain. The Nazis had the Jews.

And I'm not drawing this as a direct correlation, so let's not say I'm Brian Fischering. You haven't quite gone God. I'm not Brian Fischering, yeah. But you need a villain. That's their villain, is the gay community, the homosexual agenda. Ooh, the gays are going to get you.

The gays are after your kids. And it's frankly bullshit, and it was bullshit when I was in the military. And one of my happiest days was when they did away with all that Don't Ask, Don't Tell bull. Yeah, I mean I was retired by then, but I went out and celebrated. Glad to hear that. That was such a half-assed measure in the first place, and it's amazing that that represented at least something of a step forward. It's so bad, in fact, that as I was reading this story, it struck me that this whole concept of a gay bomb is actually – that would be a step forward in Christian attitudes toward gays because at least then they would be admitting it's not a choice. You know, like this is actually better than their normal bigotry.

They were standing on, like, the North Pole of bigotry. Gay Bomb might have been the dumbest way south of all their infinite choices, but they did head south. That's true. It's a baby step. What would that even look like? Freaking Gay Bomb.

Hello, I've got a feeling that love is here to stay. Rainbow sprinkles coming. Yeah, right, right, exactly. All right, well, Bill, Susie, thank you so much for lending us your expertise and telling us exactly what will happen with this gay bomb that's probably going to happen. So before we close things out, by any chance, could you spare another half minute or so to discuss

the exact details of what we can expect from World War Gay, which is about to happen? Yeah, we're in. Excellent. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the militant homosexual army. Go. Alright.

I'm thinking we can start by giving all new meaning to drill sergeant at GASIC training. How about drop your socks and grab some cocks? It's a recruitment slogan. I was thinking more like ants say I want you more. But, yeah, recruitment slogans. I like them. How about cock and all? Oh, of course.

Obviously. All right. I'm not familiar with that, but I wish I was. For those people who know a couple of details about World War II history, what about the Enola Gay Airmen? Dropping little boys into Japan and turning the population gay since 1945. Wow. We know how to abomination. Congratulations.

That was offensive for a Hiroshima joke. I apologize to several groups. Just kidding. That's awesome. Of course, we have to have some weapon reform, and I understand that if you carry a gay K-47 and a.22, that adds up to 69, so they'll probably like that. Nice.

Well, I think some of the things in the military kind of give you an idea that They've already been used Do you know a Marine Corps Master Sergeant is actually called Top? Really? And they call the bathroom the Head Well, that's true, yeah So you could meet Top in the Head

And something with Private Pyle I don't know, there's something What about What about the Queen Beret Commandos? Of course. Rainbow Coalition forces reach around front after flanking from behind loosens resistance, is what the headline might be. Quite complex there. And of course, if you're going to have a gay army, they're going to have plenty of seamen, so maybe the gravy navy?

Their slogan could be, you spunk my battleship. And if they have to attack a female-dominated area, they could do some carpet munch bombing. Well played. Of course. Speaking of which, how about Orange is the New Blackwater? Lesbian ex-con mercenaries for hire. Of course, yeah. Formerly owned by Prince.

They can't manage a pincher movement, but they're great at the scissor. Well, I was just thinking in general that World War Gay is going to have some fun headlines. You know, NATO double teams up with Fudge Pact. New campaign, deeply impactful. Like there'll be some fun headlines along the way. Or maybe U.S. queer troopers penetrate deep behind enemy lines. Brigades epidemic worsens as Pentagon struggles to defend discharge of the White Brigade. See, now, I was actually originally going to do something with a clit-scrig,

but I decided instead that that's just going to be my new term for female genital mutilation. Do you need a new term for that? The clit-scrig, I think that's just a little snappier. Yes, what about... The Lower Manhattan Project? Village people achieve larger ass blast radius than anticipated. And as usual, ICBM. I agree.

Wow. This is going to take a while. You have to catch up with that joke. There was a lot to process there. Okay. Oh, sorry. All right. Now we go.

You were right. It took a minute. And of course, if you'd like to hear more from Bill and Susie, be sure to check out Barroom Atheist, which you'll find linked on the show notes for this episode, or come see them in person at ReasonCon in Hickory, North Carolina, the weekend after next, like we'll be doing. You guys excited yet? We are excited.

It's going to be so fun. I'm actually looking forward to meeting Tom and Cecil in person, despite all the things that they've said to suggest that I shouldn't be looking forward to that. Yeah, me too. Who? You know, those two other guys that I told you had such bad language you can't listen to them. So I'm glad to share that distinction with them. Again, guys, thanks so much for coming on. Thanks for having us, Noah.

And when we come back, Wyatt and Love from Atheist Avengers will be here to try to get you as fired up about ReasonCon as the rest of us. We were really excited and really surprised on Tuesday while we watched the presentation of the People's Choice Podcast Awards. We'd heard from a friend of a friend who'd won in the past that the organizers contact the winners in advance to find out if they're going to be there to accept. And since nobody ever contacted us, we kind of assumed that we had come up short and that we were going to have to wait until next year and try again.

So I'm sitting there kind of rooting for Seth Andrews' show despite the puppy-kicking allegations. And I was caught completely off guard when they announced that we had actually won. So, you know, had we known, I think Heath and I would have made the trip. It's not like we need a whole hell of a lot of justification to go to Vegas, but with Reason Con coming up and podcaster incomes, we ultimately decided against it. And as miserable as the actual presentation was, I'm almost glad that I did. But I do regret not being there to give an acceptance speech. I was jealous of all the podcasters there that had a chance to thank their audience when they were right at the peak of that

emotional high, and I would have loved to have been able to share that moment with you rather than using it to scare the shit out of my cats. But of course, most of you wouldn't have been watching the podcast award presentations anyway, so if you don't mind, I'd like to offer you the speech now that I would have given in Vegas had I been there. First and foremost, I obviously want to thank all the listeners that made it possible not only for us to win this award, but also to turn ourselves bitching into microphones in a basement into a full-time job. I want to thank all the organizers of the event that have invested so much in honoring and recognizing the importance of this blossoming medium of entertainment. I also want to thank all our esteemed competitors in this category for not using their invisible, omnipotent wish-granter to swipe the award from us.

So thanks for either not praying or proving that prayer doesn't work, whichever it was. I need to thank my lovely wife, Lucinda, of course, without whom this show never would have started. I need to thank my good friend, Eli Bosnick, who has been an integral part of the podcast since its inception. I also want to thank the forward-thinking Nevada legislators who eased up on the prostitution laws, which is why my good friend Heath is not with us right now. But most of all, I want to thank all the people that haven't killed me. See, just this year, we've seen people gunned down en masse in Paris for doing what we do.

We've seen people hacked to death with machetes in Bangladesh for doing what we do. We've seen a man beaten and imprisoned by his government for doing what we do, and we might yet see that man murdered by his government for the same crime. We are proud blasphemers. We're proud not only to blaspheme, but to live in a nation that rewards it. Because whatever your religious beliefs might be you need to recognize that blasphemy is the beating heart of a free society the same laws that protect my right to insult your religion protect your right to practice it no idea is too sacred to attack no belief too sanctified to turn it into a dick joke

we've seen the alternative and i think all of us, atheist and theist alike, would prefer this to that. Very excited to double our guest total count tonight by welcoming on a couple of my favorite superheroes, the Atheist Avengers. Love and Wyatt host the Atheist Avenger podcast. They're both tireless secular activists and, of course, two of the driving forces behind Reason Con 2 in Hickory, North Carolina. Love, Wyatt, welcome to The Scathing Atheist. Thank you very much. It's great to be here.

Thanks for having us. Oh, you bet. Now, first of all, Love, last time I spoke with you, you were just Love. You are now Captain Love, so I suppose I should congratulate you on the promotion. Thank you. Yes, that pay bump was really important, let me tell you. Much deserved. And Wyatt, last time I talked to you, you had a different name altogether,

but we'll keep secret identities out of this. Yeah, let's do that. It definitely wasn't Clark Kent, y'all. Incognito. There we go. We're good at that. We're good at that. Now, you guys are the Atheist Avengers.

Tell me, what exactly do you avenge it's a hard-hitting question isn't it yes i'm not giving you guys softballs now come on i was i was waiting to see if she took this one i like i like looked at him and i was like wait what well you know there's there's a lot especially in area, there's a lot of things to be avenged. Back when we had the shootings in North Carolina, we took a little bit of flack for using the word avengers because typically people think of that as a violent term. When you're avenging something, you're avenging violently. But, of course, we don't use it that way.

We mean it to basically stand up for the little guy who may be persecuted and oppressed. And a lot of times people of non-faith end up being that. It's bizarre to me. You know, I used to be one of the chairs for the Secular Coalition for America when I lived in North Carolina. And these bills would come across my desk. And I really thought when I first started the job that somebody was like punking me. I really thought they were messing with me. It was like, oh, let's screw with the new girl and send these crazy bills across her desk and see if she buys it. And so I really thought they were messing with me. And I was like, all right, guys, it's funny. You guys have sent me a few now. I get it. Ha ha. You've broken me and let's get serious. And they're like, all right, guys, it's funny. You guys have sent me a few now. I get it. up as the state book a couple of times.

And of course, like you said, the shooting there, you have just constant fights over monuments, et cetera. So glad to know that there are a couple of folks like you in the Carolinas doing that kind of work. People ask me constantly, why would you guys live in a place like Georgia? And I say, well, that's where we're needed the most. Absolutely. That's exactly what I say.

I mean, because they need me here. And this is my home. This is where I was born. This was where I was raised. And I really see the need here because when I was first transitioning out of religion and trying to get information, where did I turn? I didn't have anywhere to turn because nobody, even if they thought the way I did here in North Carolina, they certainly were not talking about it. Those people are here. See, that's the thing. There are atheists that go to church every Sunday because it's a social thing.

It's a community thing. They feel like that's what they're supposed to do. I was do. I was there. I did that for a long time after I was starting to question my belief. Well, see, I'm really glad that you brought that up because I feel like, you know, obviously for those of us that came out of religion or were non-religious in a very religious area pre-internet, it was a completely different world. But I also think that there's an over-reliance on the internet that, you know, there are just things that you can't get

without genuine human interaction. So I think it's great that you start with the podcast and stuff, but it's a very important step that we start these humanist groups, that we meet up together, and that we show people that there is a social world that you can move into, especially these people who are so used to seeing church as their social venue. Right. And I agree. It can't just stay an online thing. It just can't stay me in my room listening to podcasts, being energized and not doing anything with it. Now, I do have to ask because I have a little masked vigilante experience and I don't have a lot of chances to chat with other crime fighting superheroes. So I have to ask you guys, where do you guys fall on the cape, no cape question? Are you more of an Edna Moulds or more of a James Brown? No capes. See, now I've seen the pictures on your website, and I'd beg to differ.

That's right. I just also wanted to say, in case you're looking to expand the team or anything, I do have some, as I said, some crime-fighting experience. Slowed down a lot since I moved to Georgia. Not as many supervillains here. But I still go out and avenge parking violations and stuff like that now and again. Just throwing it out. I don't know if you have a formal application process.

Now, of course, the main reason that I asked you guys on today, not that superhero talk isn't great and all, is that you're a couple of the organizers for my favorite annual Atheist Conference. That would be ReasonCon, which, when this interview airs, will be less than 10 days away. So I have to ask you, at the moment, is it more excited, nervous, or just incessant heart palpitations? Well, I was actually talking about this right before we come on. I'm actually to the point now where I've kind of got everything going, and I'm not freaking out as much. I've got a lot to do, but it's not one of those things where I've got a lot to do and not enough time to do it. And that's the reason why I'm feeling excited right now. I'm out of that panicking phase and worried about money and worried about this and that.

Something tells me you might just wind up back in that panicking phase before it's all over. I am absolutely sure I will. I feel good. I'm totally relaxed, but I don't have to do shit. Oh, you will when you get here. Right, right. No, it's literally like

the whole planning, organizing, doing, why it's done, everything. I, you know, I try to promote it, but I don't actually have to do anything until it starts. And then that's when I'll be having to work my butt off. 72 straight hours of no sleep and a lot of drinking, if it's anything like it was last year.

I've been to a few of these conferences before, but this one, it was so much more personal. There were so many efforts to give everybody a chance to interact with all the speakers and meet everybody. So what are you guys going to do this year to keep that going, to make it personal again? So we've got the speakers. That's going to be a pretty intense, just like it was last year, but there's going to do this year to keep that going, to make it personal again? So we've got the speakers. That's going to be pretty intense, just like it was last year. But there's going to be breaks and there's going to be times. We're having a lunch in the park.

Field trip. We're going to have a field trip. We're going to have some good North Carolina barbecue. Oh, I like that. Oh, yeah, it's going to be awesome. Now, I apologize if this is like asking you to pick a favorite kid or anything, but is there like a particular talk that you guys are really looking forward to? Oh, well, no, I can't possibly pick one.

I'm absolutely excited about them all. You know, it's so diverse. We've got several different feminist type activists. Then we have David Fitzgerald there to talk about the historicity of Jesus. And he's going to be doing a talk titled Sexy Violence, Violence, Sex. Come on. He's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. He's got a great sense of humor and he's a lot of fun to have a drink with.

So I'm super excited about that he's coming this year. That's awesome. Awesome. Well, I got to say, I don't have to worry about stepping on anybody's toes because I'm just going to that he's coming this year. That's awesome. Awesome. Well, now I got to say, I don't have to worry about stepping on anybody's toes because I'm just going to be rude and everything to everybody anyway. So I'm really looking forward to seeing Tracy Harris again. She gave such a good talk last year. Really glad to see that she's coming back. Okay, so it's hard for me to imagine that anybody listening in isn't already salivating at their chance to head to ReasonCon.

But on the off chance that somebody is still unconvinced, give me the hard sell, guys. Why should I, the random scathing atheist listener, go to ReasonCon? This is actually a community-building conference. It's a rah-rah session. We're getting together to kind of pat each other on the back and say, hey, you're doing a good job. I appreciate what you do. Keep on doing it. Sounds good to me.

We need a pep rally now and again. Absolutely. And to me, it's like a family reunion with all your favorite relatives. That to me is what ReasonCon is. It's where I get to hang out with my favorite people in the world and just be myself and to get to share ideas and just hang out with each other. So yeah, to me, it's a family reunion with my favorite relatives. Okay, so for the people, for the listeners out there with families like mine, to me, it was nothing like a family reunion.

That's what I was thinking. Maybe I should say without Crazy Uncle Bob and his handgun. Like I said, my favorite relatives. You could fill a booth with my family reunion on those guys. All right, so we've just got a couple minutes left. If anybody's listening, they haven't already picked up their tickets for ReasonCon on Saturday, April 24th in Hickory, North Carolina. Where should they go to find them? They should go to ReasonNC.com.

ReasonNC. Get that VIP dinner ticket. Worst case scenario, get your standard ticket and come out Saturday and join us all day and party that night. Excellent. Excellent. Well, Wyatt, love, thanks so much for your time tonight, all the time that you've put into the conference, and of course for all the avenging. Thank you very much.

Absolutely. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that contains nine essential vitamins and minerals. Our first message comes from Thomas, who grew up in an evangelical household surrounded by Christian everything. Music, movies, TV, all the stuff is Christian. Fast forward a couple of years, he's an atheist research scientist that has basically his entire youth's worth of cultural shit to catch up on. He writes, quote, have you ever come across any Christian entertainment that surprised you? Anything good to speak of?

You know, I have to be honest. We came out of Do You Believe? I seriously started thinking about working on a script for a Christian movie because the bar is so fucking low that I'm sure whatever I scrolled out during a post-Denny's shit would be better than the best things that are out there. I will freely admit that the Bollywood dance number at the end of

Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, that's my screensaver. It's my alarm when I wake up, too. Okay, so I'm going to be honest here, though. The movie The Apostle with Robert Duvall. That was good. Very good fucking movie. It's Christian as hell.

It's loaded with Christian themes and redemption and shit, but it is a genuinely good movie and not just because a preacher gets hit in the face with a baseball bat. Other than that, I've got nothing. Amazing Grace is a really good song. Yeah. And Ave Maria. That's another good one. We also had a couple of newer listeners that were going back and listening to the older episodes. Apparently

iTunes only lists our last 100 episodes, so if you're looking for the earlier shows and you can't find them, you can check out the Podcast Archives tab at skatingatheist.com. All of it's there. Alright, we also got a couple of emails, a few Facebook messages, some tweets, and an iTunes review. Basically, everything but a WhiteHouse.gov

petition urging us to upgrade our theme music. Yes. And I wanted to assure everybody that it's not my intractable arrogance that keeps us with the existing music. It's just harder than many emailers seem to recognize to convince musicians to write original pieces of music and then give you exclusive rights to them without compensation. It's tricky. Not asking a lot of them to be honest, but it's tricky nonetheless. At the moment, that's kind of what we need. So for whatever's worth, A, we are working on it. B, we hear you.

And C, the music accounts for like 2.3% of the show and we're talking over most of that. So between now and then, you'll live. I promise. And if that comment was also directed at my singing voice, I do apologize profusely for my occasional scotch-induced talentless musical outburst. That will happen once in a while.

Can't promise it won't happen again. But I can promise I won't quit drinking. Well, at least there's that. And finally, we got a quick message from Shane, who lives in Indiana and is torn by his desire to see his state punished for its bullshit anti-gay discrimination laws and his competing desire to not lose his job. So Shane wanted to apologize on Indiana's behalf and remind everybody that it's okay to come back now. They still suck from a legal perspective, but no more than most of the other states now, at least.

So we figured we could offer a little help to the struggling Hoosier state economy, which brings us to this week's top ten, of course. New slogans for the Indiana Board of Tourism. All right, number ten. Indiana. Downright progressive compared to Uganda. That was Tom Cotton's idea. Number nine.

Visit Indiana. Gay people don't vacation here much. So that's still our slogan. Gay people don't vacation here much. Indiana. Number eight. Visit Indiana. It's like all those awesome non-Chicago parts of Illinois.

Basically, it's corn. Number seven. Indiana. Setting the it's corn. Number seven. Indiana. Setting the federal bar in bigot law. And then slightly lowering it. Still the highest. Be proud. How about number six?

Indiana. Why don't you come say that to our faces? Number five. Share your motivation. Indiana. It's riffra madness. Our stupid thing backfired, and now drugs are legal while supplies last. I'd bring them in.

Number four, Indianapolis. First our conference championship game balls, and now our fucking economy? Give us a break here. We just can't win. Number three, welcome back, gay people. Now you don't not have rights except sometimes, just like before. You're welcome. Status quo.

Number two, Indiana, like you were really planning a vacation here before River. Give us a fucking break. I'm not buying it. The number one new slogan for the Indiana Board of Tourism, Indiana, they can live here, but we don't care if a queen said it or not we will not let them eat cake or draw anything that they want

on the side of one Indiana legislation less progressive than Marie Antoinette wow she'd at least have given them the fucking cake

that's all the feedback you get if you want more keep sending us those emails tweets and Facebook messages you'll find all the

contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com Before we snub out the butt tonight, I wanted to take one last opportunity to thank everybody that voted for us in the podcast award. I know I've already said it, and I know that I could tell a thousand random people we won a podcast award without any of them knowing what the hell that was. But it's a really big deal to us.

Thanks so much for making it happen. And thanks for helping us send the message that despite the nine channels of religious bullshit that they force into your satellite package and the complete absence of atheist entertainment, there is a market for it. Just another chink in religion's armor. Thanks for helping us put it there. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. But if you want more, be sure to check out our sister podcast, The Skeptocrats, with new episodes out every Monday morning at 8 a.m. Eastern. You can find it on iTunes or you can look for the link at skatingatheist.com. Of course, we can't wrap up before I thank Heath, without whom this show would have severe puppy rape analogy deficiencies that most of us wouldn't even realize were there.

I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for the ever-increasing role that she plays in the show's success. Even though he wasn't on the show tonight, I want to thank Eli Bosnick one more time. Of all the things that I never would have had without this podcast, my friendship with you, sir, is the one that I treasure the most. I also want to thank Wyatt and Love for joining us tonight. Also, Wyatt deserves one more huge thanks for the Herculean efforts that he's gone through to make ReasonCon 2 happen. I need to thank Bill and Susie from the Barroom Atheists for all their good advice. And, of course, if you want to check out the Atheist Avengers and or the Barroom Atheists, you'll find links to both shows on the show notes for this episode at skatingatheist.com.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most admirable anthropoids, Steven, Susan, Morgan, Matthew, Sean, and Roger. Steven and Susan, whose might and reflexes would make the rest of the Avengers superfluous. Morgan and Matthew, who are so bright they fuck up the solar eclipses for everybody. Thank you. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but all your money is tied up in burrito-based energy research, you can also help us done by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, liking us on Facebook, and following us on Twitter. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly.

And yes, I did have my permission. You guys got anything else? No, I'm done. Oh, all right, all right. Well, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, I believe Heath has like six or seven more up his sleeve. I mean, I was going to mention that they call their vehicles Hummers, but, you know. Well, of course, yeah. That's true.