The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 116: Sexually Transmitted Edition

Episode Date: May 7, 2015

In this week's episode, Jesus won't return for the 103,083rd week in a row, abstinence prevents an STD outbreak among unattractive high school students, and we'll learn that when you Nebraska stupid question, you get a stupid answer.

Warning, the red E means explicit, not ecclesiastical. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pam Geller's new Islamophobic hate speech instigation consulting firm, Califatal Attraction. Is your anti-Muslim bigotry event getting ignored by the terrorists? Couldn't book a high-profile fatwa target for the keynote speech? Want to learn a few new ethnic slurs for arabs then turn to the experts in putting lives at risk to prove a point that was already thoroughly proven caliph fatal attraction because inciting a massacre isn't as jihad as you think and now

the scathing atheist hey i'm cast and i'm bob and we're the co-hosts of the Everyone's Agnostic Podcast. And we did, in fact, evolve from... And kind of still are... Filthy Monkey Man! It's Thursday! It's May 7th. And Bernie Sanders has entered the building. Yeah, probably not for long.

I'm Noah Lusion. And now he might have left. I'm Heath Enright. And from back of my neck, getting red and gritty, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Jesus won't return for the 103,083rd week in a row. Abstinence prevents an STD outbreak among unattractive high school students. And we'll learn that when you Nebraska stupid question, you get a stupid answer. But first, the diatribe. I have a theory about why they include the Old Testament in the Bible.

It always struck me as odd that all these people who defend their book with sweeping statements like, well, that's in the Old Testament, would even bother keeping it in, right? Now, most Christians probably think that that's what God said to do, but the more learned among them would tell you that, you know, you need to understand original sin and all the prophecies that Jesus was meant to fulfill in order to understand the New Testament, but that's absurd. Like, even at a glance, it's clear Jesus can't and didn't fulfill the messianic prophecies, considering one of the main Messiah stipulations was ridding the world of evil and suffering.

That's, you know, probably why all the Jews called bullshit on him. But beyond that, the Old Testament is at odds with Christian theology constantly. So why would this new religion take on all the baggage of this crazy genocidal Old Testament God if they don't have to? I mean, you know, in the beginning, just they had to to legitimize their faith. That makes sense to me, but it seems like they could have just phased this Old Testament shit out sometime in the 12th century or something, you know, gone Gideon and saved the printing costs. But after reading about 60% of the New Testament, I have a new theory. See, I think they're just trying to bore you into submission before you ever reach the Jesus parts.

They're presenting you with as many begats as they can in hopes that you're going to throw in the towel and just trust them when it comes to the actual Jesus stuff. Because if you never read the New Testament, you'll still be able to swallow the patently absurd idea that Jesus is somehow a kinder and gentler version of God. Just look at them at their extremes. At his best, Old Testament God gave us Ecclesiastes, right? There's certainly nothing in the pre-epistle Jesus story that compares with that for sound moral virtue,

and whether the Christians like to admit it or not, the golden rule first appears in Leviticus chapter 19. Hell, the entirety of Jesus' moral pronouncements scarcely hold a candle to Solomon. But what about at the other extreme, right? What's the worst thing that God the Father ever did? Well, I guess that would be murdering all the people and all the animals back in Noah's day. Pretty easy question to answer.

And admittedly, that's really bad. You know, that's really bad. But is it any worse than Revelations? I mean, Revelations sounds like basically the same plan, but slower and with dragons. You know, drowning sucks, sure, but I'm thinking it would probably be worse if you were drowning in the blood that reaches the bridle of the horses, right? Right, so both Testaments are fully capable of global genocide, which in my mind disqualifies them from the position of moral authority, duh. But it doesn't tell us which one is worse. So what else does Old Testament God do? Now, there's plenty of reprehensible shit to choose from here, sure.

You know, he tells Moses and Joshua to take sex slaves. He orders more than one genocide. He curses Eve for no good reason. But even at his worst, even in Deuteronomy, where he goes off for a couple of pages about all the horrible shit he's got in store for you if you piss him off, you know, when he's talking about turning the ground to iron so you can't farm and giving you boils and scurvy. He's going to make your wife eat your kids with a side of afterbirth slaw. The animals are going to pluck out your eyes. All of that shit.

But even then, at his most vile, he never does anything remotely as bad as condemning people to hell for eternity. I mean, honestly, you could make the argument that the hell thing is worse than the flood because at least Jew God had the decency to let the poor bastard slip into oblivion post-drowning. But this new and improved version of God

also would have sent him to a fiery pit for the rest of time. Think for a second about what a fucked up concept hell really is. To be honest, that's really hard for me because from an outside perspective, it's childlike. There's a paradise where all the good people go and there's an eternal torture chamber where all the bad people go. You know, that's the kind of thing a kid's brain that still thinks in terms of good guys and bad guys can wrap itself around. But if you're not

indoctrinated with the concept from birth, it seems like the theological equivalent of a lying seven-year-old losing an argument, you know? Oh yeah, well, if you don't eat my magic cracker and give me 10% of your allowance, you're going to have to go to the very worst place that there ever was for all of eternity and do math. You know, so as such, it's hard for me to even imagine what it's like to take this concept seriously. But from time to time, I'm confronted with a brief glimpse of what it's like for the people who actually believe in it.

You know, I'll get an email or I'll meet somebody at a convention or something, somebody who was raised in a fundamentalist family and escaped their religion in their 30s or whatever, and then they tell me about waking up to nightmares about hell even years or decades later. They wake up terrified by this psychological torment that was artificially implanted in their minds by well-meaning parents and grandparents. Well-meaning parents and grandparents who somehow credulously accept the idea that it's okay to tell your son he might be tortured by demons forever if he washes his dick too slowly.

And consider that the people I'm talking about, those are the ones that have escaped. You know, sure, they still have nightmares about hell, but at least they get to wake up from them. At least they can get up, splash a little water on their face, look in the mirror and tell themselves it was only a dream. But what about the millions and millions themselves it was only a dream. But what about the millions and millions of people who wake up from that nightmare and wonder what God was trying to tell them? You know, I feel confident in saying that the only thing more morally reprehensible than a psychotic deity that would condemn a person to burn for eternity in hell is the person that would freely offer to worship him.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is one of the six human beings who wasn't a side character in the new Avengers movie, Heath Enright. Heath, why'd they overlook you, man? I would have fucked up that whole third act just by knowing how meteors work. Oh, right. And physics in general. And third actors work. Oh, right. And physics in general.

And third acts. Well, yeah, right. Gotcha. In our lead story tonight, the city of Garland, Texas, has demonstrated once more that Muhammad cartoon is the peanut butter to deadly shootouts jelly when two Islamic extremists open fire at a draw Muhammad cartoon contest on Sunday. The gunmen were both shot and killed before any blasphemous infidels could feel the cold vengeance of their lead-jacketed wrath,

which, if I'm reading the theology correctly, means they each get three virgins and a couple of cougars that have been around the block a couple of times. Really? That's bullshit. A consolation afterlife harem? Think about participation ribbons, the burgundy. At best, they should get like a fleshlight. But they didn't kill any infidels, so it's made of bacon as like a tease or something. Right, right. Not much. This deadly event is the culmination of a prolonged effort by Pamela Geller,

who heads at least two anti-Muslim hate groups to finally entice a few jihadis to try to kill her. We've talked about the American Freedom Defense Initiative as recently as last week in regards to their incredibly bigoted New York subway ads, and Geller, the group's president and co-founder, is also one of the chief xenophobes behind the whole Ground Zero mosque nonsense in 2010. Yeah, this woman organized an event that was the target of a terrorist attack and yet still managed to make free speech look bad. I can't fucking believe we have to defend this bitch on this issue. Yes, but we do. But we do, yes. I will do that while freely admitting that Pamela Geller is a Class A bigot to put a couple of high-profile fatwa recipients on the same stage as a blasphemy contest

and cajoled a couple of radicalized Muslims into arming up and managing the first half of the term suicide attack. That's what I'll admit. And what this demonstrates, if you ask me, and by listening to the show you kind of do, is that an idea isn't necessarily wrong because it's a racist idea. Certainly. Now, don't get me wrong. Geller is still a loathsome bitch.

No question. But that means that you get to start a podcast and call her a loathsome bitch or something like that. It doesn't mean you get to shoot her. But if her point is, if she's saying, these savages are provoked to violence by petty shit, the only thing you can criticize there is the word choice on savage. And if you wanted to do that,

you'd need to show that attacking an art show with assault rifles doesn't qualify as violent and out of control, which is a tricky argument. What savage means, yeah. Now, interestingly enough, ISIS is apparently taking credit for this bumfuck of a terrorist attempt, despite the fact that both body armor-wearing assault rifle-toting shooters were killed by one cop with a Glock before they managed to do more than wound an unarmed security guard.

Great job by the cops. The would-be caliphate is proudly proclaiming this as their first attack on American soil and vows that there will be more. And next time they probably won't get shot before they do any really bad stuff. You just wait. And in somewhat related news, Pamela Geller's PR people have been repeatedly ejaculating on themselves nonstop for 44 hours and counting as of this recording. Sometimes that jerk-off party just snowballs.

Often. Out of control. Often. Now they're going clear like Elrond. It's been a while. Of course, they're not the only ones planning to capitalize on this semi-tragedy. Limbaugh the Hutt took to the airwaves

less than 24 hours later to put the blame where it really belonged, on Obama. Of course it does. He pointed to the president telling a Muslim audience that the future belonged to those who didn't slander the prophet and asked what that could possibly mean

other than go shoot that geller lady yeah it sounds pretty clear but you got to admit it is pretty convenient for obama i mean now we should have no problem declaring martial law going to war with texas and getting that third term he's always wanted it's already there they're already land in truth much all set now if you've ever taken the time to listen to Limbaugh's show, which unfortunately I have, you're probably asking yourself, but now how is this going to tie into abortion, immigration, and or gay marriage? Well, don't worry. It didn't take long. Quote, I don't think I can do the blurry voice there, but quote,

could the president say this? The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet by allowing same-sex marriage. Are we going to snap to respect that? End quote. So that's Limbaugh, I think. And from the ass-action suit

file tonight, Sylvia Driscoll of Auburn, Nebraska has filed a lawsuit against all the homosexuals. Yep. That's right. All of them. The plaintiff, in her official capacity as hetero ambassador of Jesus Christ, I guess,

is requesting that the U.S. District Court of Omaha hear legal arguments on the question, she wrote, quote, is homosexuality a sin or not a sin? End quote. And here's my favorite little detail of this. The name of the case is Driscoll v. Homosexuals. Of course it is. Landmark decision. Driscoll v. Legays.

That sounds like the greatest Christian B-flick of all time. I feel like we should be bringing Eli out to joining us to review Driscoll V. Homosexuals. Driscoll V. Homosexuals. So, the complaint starts by naming the defendants. I guess that makes sense. It says, quote, defendants, colon,

homosexuals. They're given name homosexuals. They're, comma, Alice Gay, end quote. A-L-I-Ss. Their, comma, Alice Gay. End quote. A-L-I-S Gay. So she either thinks gay people have a gay alias that she can't spell, or she thinks they needed an example of a homosexual name so they'd understand. You know, like Alice Gay, which she also can't spell.

Not a great start, regardless. And here's what comes next. Quote, I, Sylvia Ann Driscoll, Ambassador for Plaintiffs, do set forth on this 30 day of 2015 in writing this petition to the United States District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska, on behalf of the plaintiffs. God, comma, and his, comma, son, comma, Jesus Christ, end quote. And a whole bunch of shit capitalized for no reason.

Right. This is the most awesome thing ever. I will provide a forum for her if the federal Kurtz won't. I will pay for one of them judgas. I'll get a jury. I'll rent her a Kurt room. Hell, I'll even hire one of them ladies what types all the a jury i'll rent our curt room hell i'll even hire one of them ladies what types all the stuff down and a guy who draws shit i want this thing to proceed i want a

weekly driscoll v the homosexuals court watch segment with lucinda live out front every fucking week i so want that to happen it's like four years of 30 seconds on the clock material writing itself right there. It's happening. Gotta happen. So one thing I did like about this, I gotta give some credit to the American Bar Association. As of yet, Driscoll hasn't been able to find an attorney willing to sue a sexual preference. Oh, no? Yeah, I guess that's difficult.

But according to a report from hement meta all the homosexuals haven't lawyered up either so we'll see what happens but based on the quick look we just had at her handwritten in cursive on three whole notebook paper legal complaint that she sent to a supreme court i'm guessing the case will be way more entertaining if she has to represent herself which is now highly likely if this case ever happens. I volunteer. I volunteer. I will pass the goddamn bar in Nebraska if I have to.

I will pave the way for you, Sylvia. I got your back. This will fucking happen. And in putting the canon back in canonized news tonight, Pope Francis Drew Mysteries is standing by his controversial decision to canonize Spanish missionary and genocide a better Reverend Junipero Serra during his upcoming U.S. visit. Sounds about right. Serra is famous for starting the first nine Catholic missionaries in California and also

for whipping all the Indians who didn't love Jesus enough. Well, there's no Mother Teresa, but to be fair, she had way more opportunities to enslave people. It was a different time. Basically, this guy Serra was playing in the dead ball era, and she was juicing. You can't compare the stats directly. I don't know exactly what their metrics are, but asterisk.

Father Vincenzo Criscuolo, a spokesman for the Department of the Causes of the Saints, attempted to defend Sarah's canonization with the everybody-was-killing-engines-back-then defense, calling him a man of his times rather than a brute. Also, Archbishop Salvatore Cordelione freely admits that many Native Americans were whipped, imprisoned, forced into marriages against their will, rounded up if they escaped, and occasionally shot,

but actually has the audacity to justify that by pointing out that the missionaries also taught them to farm. Oh, well, that's the same. And keeping in mind that they did so exactly in the same way that plantation owners taught the Africans to farm when they got here. Farming in some awful sense of that word. Okay, so aiding and abetting the Native American genocide, that's one thing. But doesn't this dude need about five more racist miracles before he becomes...

He's only got one, but with the single-minded insensitivity normally reserved for NFL team owners, Pope Francis Alpine Gall went out of his way to ensure that this finger in the ass of post-genocide California natives goes off without a hitch. He actually waived the normal rules that require two posthumous miracles before a person can be canonized, deciding that they couldn't afford to wait for another nun's lupus to go into completely normal remission. Disastrous, yeah. Take too long. And from the Assassin's Nicene Creed file tonight, video game developer, failed promoter of Jesus-themed sneakers, and enormous Christian bigot Randall Herman released a version of

his new game, Kill the Faggot, earlier this week on a gaming website called Steam. So I'm immediately picturing, like, I don't know, Elmer Fudd chasing around homosexual cartoon rabbits with Ride of the Valkyries playing in the background, something. But against all odds, that would have been far less offensive than what this guy came up with. The game itself is about as clever as the title suggests and involves killing gay and transgender people with a gun amidst a soundtrack of awful homophobic slurs. That's the game.

It's so fucking awful, man. Terrible. Like, raping Indians is one thing, but this is going too far. By the way, I went with that joke, knowing full well that almost nobody would get it, and most of them would be grossly offended when they didn't. Just because I know out there somewhere in the audience we have one person that's just been waiting their whole

life for a Custer's Revenge reference. Bucket list, check. I've got that for you. So the game was pulled from the website within hours after numerous complaints. Good. Imagine that. Hopefully know, hopefully the people in charge at Steam are going to reconsider their current game vetting policy

of nothing in light of this ridiculous incident. And honestly, it wouldn't have taken much. Even without playing the game, you could have figured out the front page description read quote, hate gays? Want to unleash your frustration with the LGBT community? Well, now is your chance. end quote.

Also, maybe the title was a decent clue. You might not want to take that game. Well, we could find out if they've changed that vetting process, if any of our listeners are game designers who want to help me with my first-person splooger butt-rape the bigot. Hopefully. Randall Harmon would be, obviously, the target. Get some feedback on that.

So there was one detail about the game that was actually worth noting. For what it's worth, transgender listeners out there, you should be proud because y'all were worth more points on this guy's game. Double the points, in fact, I believe, compared to killing a homosexual. So, I mean, that seemed flattering. I mean, I definitely would have been proud if, like, overweight atheist heterosexuals were the most poignant. But atheists weren't even

included in the game, which I found a little offensive. That game was a little offensive to atheists. Wasn't it? Unbelievable. And in Dow on to others news tonight, a church in New Zealand has kicked out a score of old women who have been meeting at the church to exercise for the past five years. About time.

Now, this sudden change of hospitality came when parish council clerk John Willis realized the exercise in question was Tai Chi, which comes from the Chinamen, and they don't know nothing about no Jesus. But this is just a useless gesture unless the church knows the magic spell to get rid of that five-year layer of invisible chi all over the inside of the building. Right. You need a black light. I'm pretty sure that spell doesn't exist so they're kind of fucked yeah no it it certainly doesn't as it happens but that didn't stop willis from arguing that doing really slow ninja moves is clearly an invitation to satan himself and he actually suggests that the tai chi classes threaten the spiritual well-being of the entire church, adding, quote, Fuck your arthritis, ladies. We're talking about my eternal soul here, end quote.

He then goes on to show his work by explaining that Tai Chi comes from Taoism, and Taoists don't love Jesus, ergo Tai Chi is of the devil. And by applying the same logic, by the way, we learn that parish council clerk John Willis comes from balls. Balls are brainless, wrinkly sacks of sperm, ergo John Willis is an asshole that boots old ladies out for doing Tai Chi. I hope they kick his ass really slowly. That would be so fun to watch. 20 really old women in slow motion beating the shit out of him. That's the bonus if you butt-rape the right person in that game.

What's his name, Randall Herman? If you butt-rape Randall Herman, you get to watch the old ladies. Absolutely, bonus points in the game. Yeah, exactly. You get that? All right. Moving on to porkless chops news tonight. In order to stem the tide of American culture, especially our trademark jagged, uneven, secular

haircuts, Iran's Department of, I guess, Theocratic Cosmetology handed down a new ruling that outlaws the possession and or distribution of any un-Islamic hairstyle. Reports suggest the ban would apply to any haircut deemed to be overly jagged, spiky, unorthodox, homosexual, western,

or especially Satanist. I see. Can't have people walking around with the kind of hair Muhammad didn't like. Except pubes. He didn't like them either, but you're still allowed to walk around with pubes. Wow. Pedophile prophet joke.

Yes, it was. In case that wasn't clear. I want a fatwa, too. Geller isn't the only one who's looking for a fucking fatwa here. So they haven't released any details on how enforcement of this is going to work, but I imagine lots of crazy arguments about how y-axis symmetry works, because not a lot of people would understand that to begin with. And according to the guy in charge of Iran's barber union,

it sounds like devil worship haircuts is really like a real serious problem there they they might actually be sending around undercover vice squads to catch these back alley unlicensed satan barbers and as part of the same effort this is all happening in iran for real lawmakers are also working on legislation against tanning beds tattoos and cutting the eyebrow in half by plucking from the middle. All might be against the law soon. And in block Sabbath news tonight, the four-fifths of Israel's population that doesn't think God will smite them for pushing buttons on the wrong day have renewed calls for the nation

to stop fucking all the poor people out of transportation options for 14.28% of the week. That country's policy of shutting down public buses and other means of transit on the Sabbath dates back to well before the nation's founding, so far in fact that it began with restrictions on horse-drawn carriages apparently, and has likely been pissing off rational people at least to that long. Yeah, they obviously need to fix this,

maybe get some Canaanite slaves with rickshaws back, but honestly a better long-term solution would be maybe 80% of the people moving or maybe an actual democracy either way yeah a lot of ways to fix kind of have to be one or the other of course like most problems that disproportionately affect the poor and pander to religious zealots the outcry to ease the sabbath restriction has mostly fallen on deaf ears even when protesters started using the transportation minister's facebook page as an impromptu ride-sharing bulletin board on Passover.

That's a great move. Omri Hazut, I think, I'm guessing, the man behind the protest on Facebook, points out that transportation is a necessity like electricity and water, and thus should be exempt from the religious restrictions that only about 20% of the fucking people follow in the first place. Kind of a big deal, yeah.

And also, how do rabbis without a car that are far away from their synagogue, how do they get to their illegal Saturday shift? Right, even if they have a car. Now, it's probably worth pointing out that Gentile bus drivers toting Jews around is a lot closer to biblical than forcing all the Reform Jews to drive their own cars around in the first place. And we should also note that Jew God can apparently be thwarted by things like string boundaries and keys that are actually belt buckles. In fact, as gullible as Orthodox Jew God is, you could probably just get away with having one Jew stand on the edge of town,

pointing away from the buses and yelling, hey, what's that over there? A couple of times an hour, something along those lines. And quick, while Jew God tries to figure out if we're making fun of him, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogyny. As we were soberingly reminded last weekend when we tried to get a table for 14 at the last minute the evening after ReasonCon, it's prom season. And while that's a frustrating realization when you're eight blocks from your car and it's raining, it's still easy to get caught up in the nostalgia. All the fumbling attempts at romance, the diabolically timed acne, and all the wonderful slut-shaming. Ah, prom.

Well, it was nice to see that all the old traditions were still in full swing when a listener sent me a story about a high school in Wisconsin that's under fire from the FFRF over a few prom posters hanging in the hallways. The posters, which were sponsored by two local Christian groups, remind all the boys that Prime 9 is really about protecting a girl's character by not fucking her. The patronizing bullshit underscores the message with the silhouette of a girl in a dress, made out of words like charming, classy, respect, and warm-hearted. It's not clear whether those are the qualities that make her so easy to take advantage of

or the ones you're at risk of fucking out of her. But the overall message that a woman's character is defined by where your penis has been is unmistakable. In a stern letter to the school, the FFRF offered two options. The school could either remove the posters from the school walls along with an apology to the students, or they can, quote, leave up the sexist paternalistic message and accept speech from all perspectives, including other private organizations like the FFRF and students who wish to present an opposing viewpoint on the importance of chastity. End quote.

Apparently, the school has chosen the first half of option one. Of course, efforts like this one only work in secular schools, which means chastity messages like the ones the students at Coloma Convent Girls School in Croydon, England received are just outside the rational world's jurisdiction. Which is a damn shame when these teenagers are getting messages like, quote, many who slept around or had sex outside of marriage have discovered that it was destroying their soul and making their body sick. End of quote.

And our fears of poisoned souls and righteous infliction of the fornication plague aren't irresponsible enough sex ed messages for you, they add, quote, society preaches condoms and the pill, but it puts you at risk and keeps you isolated. The only way to fulfilling sexual intimacy is saved sex. End quote. Hear that, teenage girls?

The only thing worse than premarital sex is safe premarital sex. And it doesn't matter if his cock is covered in latex as long as his heart is covered in jesus and in what has become something of an accidental tradition in this segment we'll follow up the irresponsible anti-birth control message with an insane diatribe about abortion from the same group of people this one comes to us from texas state representative matt schaefer whose message message to pregnant Texans seems to be, you better still birth that fetus, bitch. This message comes in the form of an amendment Schaefer added to a bill that had almost absolutely nothing to do with abortion.

The amendment seeks to ban abortion if the fetus has a severe or irreversible abnormality. That's the actual wording of the bill. He thinks Texas is missing out on all the good genetically non-viable offspring action. When asked to justify the merciless savagery of forcing a woman to carry a fetus to term that has absolutely no chance of survival, Schaefer actually offered this excuse, quote, suffering is part of the human condition since sin entered the world. End quote.

Give me ten minutes with this asshole, a watermelon, and a fucking crowbar, and I'll show him some suffering. And some sin entering his world, too, for that matter. And as has also become something of an unwitting tradition, I'll leave you with that reprehensible bullshit echoing in your brain. Sorry about that. I'd love to say I won't have a worse story next week but i think we both know i will so until then i'll hand things back over to noah and he thank you lucinda and in capstone cops news tonight several california freemasons have

been arrested on charges of impersonating police officers after authorities discovered they were operating a secret rogue police department. The group believes they are a modern incarnation of the Christian Knights Templar, and were calling themselves the Masonic Fraternal Police Department, or MFPD.

Well, turns out you're not allowed to do that. No? Even if you think you're a direct descendant of the investment banker warrior poets for an imaginary rape-spawn messiah. Still against the rules

even in that situation. It's more big government. Yeah, I guess if you want to wield power as a Freemason, you have to live in the dark recesses of Alex Jones' Schizophrenia. Now, don't worry.

There's room because he's very schizophrenic and has a really big head. So, looks like the... There's room because he's very schizophrenic and has a really big head. So you want to try some space. Looks like the real police became suspicious when these lunatics sent out letters to several real police departments asserting their Masonic authority and asking for official meetings with the real cops to discuss their fake law enforcement group and according to a statement from the la county sheriff's department quote detectives conducted a thorough investigation in collaboration with several law enforcement agencies and determined mfpd was not a legitimate police agency and quote go great job detectives you get a letter that says dear the real police allow us to introduce

their just once again nefarious masterminds never live up to the hype they're like avengers sequels so i'm not sure why a thorough investigation across departments was needed it seems like there would be an exhaustive list of police departments somewhere, and it clearly doesn't include the phrase Vigilante Secret Society anywhere, so that's that. I would hope. But I guess they called around and arrived at the same conclusion eventually, but it must have been some fun calls for someone. Like, hey, hey, chief, yeah, quick question. Do you have a secret squad of Knights Templar on the force? Uh, what?

Nothing. No, no, no, no. Prank call. Prank call. Nothing. What? Did they check? Ten chime in punishment news tonight.

Residents of Burlington, Vermont would appreciate it if the Christ the King Church would fuck off with the bells already. The cacophonous peal, which one local resident described as an amplified version of a late 90s ringtone, rings three times a day, plus weddings and funerals, and has annoyed enough All right, this should go well. I mean, based on my knowledge of Christian idiots in government, which it sounds like they might have, I mean, based on my knowledge of Christian idiots in government, which it sounds like they might have, the next step involves an escalating noise pollution contest between hundreds of different religious groups that they all allow at the same time, including a Satanist temple that's clearly going to blast death metal lyrics about eating babies.

And then finally, when a mosque decides to make one single noise, they'll finally stop and realize Riffra's stupid and they have to do something different. Well, normally that's the formula. It might be different here. Vermont has the lowest church attendance of any U.S. state, and according to the American Bible Society, Burlington is America's ninth least Bible-minded city, whatever the hell that means, ranking right between Phoenix, Arizona and Gomorrah, Maine. While defenders of the clanging metal shit together to remind people to love Jesus camp are quick to label efforts to quiet their noise as persecution. It's interesting to reflect on exactly what you're saying.

How quick that persecution argument would dissolve if a mosque in Jackson, Mississippi, the ninth most Bible-minded city, was blaring a call to prayer for five miles in every fucking direction three times a day. Wouldn't be the same reaction, no. Probably not. And from the anal P-Robes file tonight, during a recent episode of the 700 Club, show host and guy whose face looks like a slow-motion honey avalanche, Pat Robertson, managed to slander the feminists,

the homosexuals, and all the proponents of free speech simultaneously, all without interrupting his gravity, viscosity, facial experiments. Bigoted fluid dynamics at its best. Very impressive. Like the human skin equivalent of the pitch drop. Very similar. So, according to Robertson, our magical god bubble, that's the one that protects America this whole time,

it's going to expire if we keep it up with all the humanist agenda stuff. Uh-huh. Big trouble. Pat, that's not an omnipresent bubble. That's the film around your eyes. You old fuck. So he's doing this pseudo-history segment on the founding of America called Cape Henry, the Beginning of a Christian Nation.

And P. Robes explains the reasoning behind God's imminent decision to bail on the U.S. And one major factor is the Supreme Court's current attempt to, quote, bring in sodomy and put it in the Constitution, end quote. Which is probably not going to be as violent as he seems to think. Regardless, he also heard that God's pissed about stuff like riots in ferguson and baltimore the roe v wade thing and most importantly the mockery all the mockery so yeah riot abort sodomize if you must but draw the line before you start mocking fundamentalist christian idiots like pat robertson otherwise god God turns Russian or Chinese or something. Yes. P-Robes take on the greatest threats to our national safety. It's gay butt sex

and then followed immediately by straight butt sex and then followed by making fun of Pat Robertson. It's the hierarchy. Kind of hard to imagine a formula where the latter doesn't rise from the former. And in Apocalypse news tonight, Ultra Mega Church Pastor E.A. Attaboy added his name to the

long list of Christian leaders that don't know how gay works this week when he took to social media to lament the inevitable end of children that gay marriage will usher in. On a Facebook post meant to decrease public scrutiny of his sub-civilized view on homosexuality, he statused, quote, but man marry man

and woman marry woman, then no need to stop global warming because soon there won't be newborn children, end quote. What? Is he unaware that legalizing gay marriage doesn't change the number of gay people? That's still, it's just now they're married. An awful lot of them are, apparently. Now, in pre-sponse to the emails that we sometimes get about how we comb through the news and find some insignificant pastor that said something stupid and act like that's real news, in case you haven't heard of this guy,

Attaboy was named one of the 50 most powerful people in the world by Newsweek a couple years back. His church has over 5 million members in Nigeria alone and has hundreds of international branches as well. And he thinks, or at least publicly declares, that gay marriage means that straight people have to stop fucking. And he also thinks that, I guess, gay sperm and lesbian ovaries

have a shutdown function that kicks in when they get married. But it's not been a problem. They've been helping with the breeding until now. But now with the marriage, what? I guess the silver lining for this story is that apparently there are no pressing problems in nigeria that are occupying the nation's most powerful religious leader imagine glad to see everything is settled down there they can focus

in on how they're going to ensure that their suicidal birth rate keeps uh you know chugging right along it's going great after all you know you wouldn't want to get all the way to 2050 and not be squeezing the world's largest population into its 32nd largest country. That'd be a disaster now, wouldn't it? And in mnemonic AIDS news tonight, Crane High School in West Texas might need to reconsider their sex ed curriculum of nothing in light of their recent chlamydia outbreak, which has already infected about one out of every 15 students. Wow. Just to be clear, when I say nothing, they do have a current program that does exist, barely. But it's a three-day unit, the majority of which focuses on the strategy of abstinence.

As in, do nothing and you'll be safe learning nothing. And then in a wildly unpredictable twist, a bunch of high school kids had sex anyway, didn't use protection, and spread it all around. Religious schoolgirls having sex. It sounds like everything I've ever watched with religious schoolgirls in it, honestly. And usually they have chlamydia, so who knew that porn was this accurate? Right on the ball with this one, absolutely. And honestly, the problem isn't just this one school.

I mean, it's awful, it is, but the abstinence-focused sex ed curriculum is actually a legal requirement for all public schools in the entire state thanks to stupid-ass lobbying by Christian groups that don't understand how numbers work. The data clearly show that abstinence-only sex ed classes are bad for society.

The Texas Department of Education heard this, and they decided that abstinence mostly would be the best way to go. And it's been mostly bad for society. Great job, guys. Slightly less bad. I guess the targeted arson version of home ec tends not to work, as it turns out. Who would have thunk it? So back to the festering cesspool that is Crane High School. Not only are the kids

clearly ignorant about safe sex, but it looks like the administrators are mostly locals who took the same shitty class a couple decades ago, and apparently they learned there that puberty happens on the day you graduate 10th grade, because when the school found out about the outbreak, they decided to send out warning letters,

but only to parents of juniors and seniors. Because that's how sex works. So, yeah, the whole town needs some better learning. And we're here to help. As always. We are here to help. Let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Educational films for the disease-infested schools sorely lacking sex ed class.

All right. I've always wanted to do this one. How about, Sif-ing up, kids? Postcolonic. The rancor of wanker cankers. You've always wanted to do that. I've been waiting for that one. About good morning, HIV Vietnam.

You've always wanted to do that. I have always wanted to do that. Check. About eight minute crabs. Instructional. short instructional video. Maybe Schindler's syphilis. Or gonorrhea in sticky seconds. That's why it's always best to go first, kids.

That would be the lesson of that one. What about Return of the Spread Eye? It's a claptrap. Nice. Very excellently geeky. All right. Clap Trap. Nice.

Very excellently geeky. All right. How about that surgical Marx Brothers classic, At the Cervix, featuring the classic song, Chlamydia, the Tattooed Lady. Someone loves me now. Someone who didn't used to love me now loves me. Worth it for that show. What about Yeast of Eden?

All about Eve's Bayou. There's a few in there. They all have them. Before and after. See, now, I was thinking The Beauty and the Yeast. Now, I'll admit that's a tough one to watch, but it's worth it for the singing candlestick scene. You wouldn't believe how that one. Well, you probably have already guessed that. You can imagine.

Yeah, go. What about The Ex-Girlfriend Experience? HPV for Vendetta. Slow burner. Yeah. How about The Scabies Shitters Club? That joke is just right. I'm wearing it on its sleeve there.

Speaking of the slow burn, what about Gonorrhea with the Wind? The Airborne Ultimatum. Damn it, you got all classy. Was that classy? No, that's classy. That's a classy gonorrhea joke. Okay, I'll go Shakespeare. How about hepatitis andronicus?

Can't be the first to make that joke. That's probably an old joke. I'm sorry. About gonorrhea with the wind, too. Burn after breeding. Oh, he's got to outclass me. Now, that is what I call a gritty reboot. Heath, thanks as always.

STDs. And when we come back, we're going to learn that dowsing rods have actually been shown to be effective in locating something. Really? Yeah? Bullshit. Oh, okay. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes that we set aside to talk about some of the great atheist, skeptical, and secular events going on around the country and around the world. Now, we were hoping to make our perfunctory effort to not seem too U.S.-centric again for the

June events, but it turns out that Imagine No Religion 5 in Vancouver has already sold out, so I won't bother bringing that one up. Instead, we'll pretend to be international by pointing to a really interesting talk that CFI UK is sponsoring in London that same weekend. The title of the event is Searching for Satan, Miscarriages of Memory, Fractured Families, and Satanic Panics, and if the title for that doesn't pique your curiosity, I'm not sure I even know you anymore. Meanwhile, back in the States, and still on June 6th, we've got Skeptical 2015 in Oakland, California.

That one's going to feature a solid mix of science and skeptical activism, starts at 9 a.m. and runs all day. Fast forward a weekend minus three time zones and you've got an event put together by the Center of Inquiry in Buffalo. It's called Reason for Change. It's taking place June 11th through the 15th and you may have heard of some of their speakers. Richard Dawkins, Susan Jacoby, Stephen Novella,

Joe Nickel, Eugenie Scott, and a lot more and I do mean a lot more. Looks like a genuine reason to look forward to being in Buffalo. And speaking of places no sane person would ever intentionally be if there wasn't an awesome conference or something, we've also got free OK in Tulsa, Oklahoma on June 20th. Hard to compete with the speaker list I just mentioned, but they're sure as hell going to try. Seth Andrews, Matt Dillahunty, Aaron Rod, Ryan Bell, Vicki Garrison, Daryl Ray, plus all that Tulsa nightlife.

And I know we're talking about June events, but this is one that you're probably going to want to book early. That takes place in July. And I know we're talking about June events, but this is one that you're probably going to want to book early. That takes place in July. The Amaze! Meeting will be descending on Las Vegas July 16th through the 19th. Their lineup is stellar this year, even if you compare it to previous TAMs. Of course, if you're interested in tickets or finding more information, you'll find links to the websites for all of these events on the show notes for this episode. And if you're involved with a conference I failed to plug, please correct this oversight.

You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Thank you for calling the Afterlife Questions and Comments line. My name is Sandalphon. How can I help you today? Yeah, I was just calling about my penis. Wondering where that is. Like if I have to pick it up somewhere or something, or is it a will call situation? That's a pretty common question, but you're not going to need that in heaven. In heaven,

you're never going to grow thirsty, and you can drink forever without ever having to urinate. Okay, that's nifty. Don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the urinating I was really worried about. Exactly. Okay, so what were you worried about then? Really? You want to make me spell it out for you? I'm afraid so. I'm not sure what were you worried about then really you make me spell it

out for you i'm i'm afraid so i'm not sure what you're talking about uh it starts with f u c oh gotcha right well there is no fornication in heaven we're all brothers and sisters up here so you don't have to worry about all that stuff anymore well i wasn't worried about it till i saw that i didn't have a dick now right well there would be nowhere to put it in here because there's all the ladies don't have their bits either so there's just no need for one i'm not sure i care for this policy well it's i'm sorry it comes from the very top wow um okay i guess i'm not saying I want to switch, but just hypothetically, if I was in hell, would I still have a dick? Yeah, absolutely. Huh. Because, I don't know, I mean, that would maybe be better than not.

It would have a barbed millipede burrowing through it for eternity. Right, never mind. Nesting. Never mind. So is there anything else I can help you with today? All right, well, this is kind of minor next to the dick thing, but the streets of gold.

Uh-huh. I don't... What about them? Okay, they're stunning, no doubt. That's beautiful, but impractical as hell, right? I mean, why...

In what way? Well, you slip on them, they're hot, you sink into them a little bit, the glare blinds you all the time. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry.

You want me to go out there and repave the roads for you? Well, no. I was just wondering if maybe there was an apartment complex somewhere with concrete or something. Preferably the hell away from all this harp music, too. You don't like the harps either? Well, maybe the first couple of days it was fine. But they're on a loop. You're aware it's on a loop.

If I have to hear the story of fucking Jack and Diane one more time on harps, are you kidding me? Now, are there any other glories of God that annoy you? Okay, look, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I forwent a lot of fornication to get here. Well, I had to confess to a lot of it. Anyway, well, a little bit that I had several women several times on several occasions. I had to confess to all that. And now it's like I'm trapped in an upscale Manhattan mall without a dick. So I don't mind saying I was hoping for a little bit better.

That's all. Better than paradise? Well, I don't think that word means what you think it means. Look, buddy, you were a Catholic, so you got Catholic heaven. If you wanted beer volcanoes at stripper factories, you should have been a Pastafarian. Wait, that's an option? They have a separate thing for... Look, I have a lot of calls to take here. Is there anything else I can help you with? Is there anywhere around here I could buy a colander?

For millennia, the ability to find potable water in an arid environment could be the line between life and death for humans and our evolutionary ancestors. On the high end of human ingenuity, this unfortunate necessity has led to grand projects like the Roman aqueducts and the Pensacola Beach Wastewater Reclamation Facility. On the low end, it's led to naive suckers randomly following around their inadvertent fidgets in a practice known as dousing. Now, the curious persistence of this practice has led us to once again ask ourselves, How bullshit is it?

So, Heath, before we set about determining dowsing's exact level of bullshittery, I suppose we should take a moment to learn what it is. So, what is dowsing? All right, according to dictionary.com, dowsing is the act of searching for underground supplies of water, metal, etc. by the use of a divining rod. Notice it says nothing about finding said supplies, just searching for them. I see.

So I guess that definition doesn't do us a lot of good until we learn what a divining rod is. So what exactly is a divining rod? It's a stick. Just a regular stick a divining rod? It's a stick. Just a regular stick? Well, no, it's a magic one, or magic coat hanger, or two magic coat hangers. I'm guessing that definition doesn't come from dictionary.com.

No, but to be fair, their definition essentially boils down to the rod dowsers use. So it goes down an infinite loop. You can't really use that. Right, wouldn't have helped. All right, so altogether then, dowsing is looking for underground stuff with a magic stick? Or coat hanger. Or two, gotcha.

Or two coat hangers, correct. Now, this is kind of starting to make chiropractic seem legitimate by comparison. So how does dowsing work? It doesn't. Right, but we've used that joke on this segment before. So how do people who disagree with reality say it works? Well, they carefully avoid saying anything of substance about it. No shock.

If you get more than nobody really knows, you'll likely be getting a vague and scientifically dubious appeal to something like electromagnetism, vibrations, resonance, that sort of thing. Or they'll say that dowsing works through a psychic connection between the dowser and the water. Oh, I guess I see why they avoid the long answer. So I guess unlike a lot of pseudoscientific claims, this one seems pretty easy to actually test scientifically. So is there data on this one? Of course there is. And there's exactly zero properly blinded studies that show dowsing to be anything more than complete guesswork. No shock. And so how do the proponents of dowsing respond to

these damning data? That would be with the universal pseudoscientific bomb for all damning evidence. Oh. Anecdotes. Anecdotes, yeah. Exactly. So is that all the defense they can muster? Not at all. They've also got calling for more studies, conjuring grand conspiracies. Of course. And, of course, pointing to a dubiously sourced quote where Albert Einstein might have once suggested that dousing could eventually be shown to be useful in a private correspondence.

Well, has it been shown to be? No, no. Okay. But that doesn't matter at all to them. It's Einstein. He's smart. So we're just going to point to that over and over. Gotcha.

So it sounds pretty faith-based. So tell me, where does this belief come from? That would be directly from the asses of the people trying to sell their magic powers to credulous idiots and desperately thirsty villagers. Gotcha. The practice dates back at least to the 15th century Europe, but likely as far as gullibility in general in some form or another. Okay, so now where does the term dowsing come from?

All right, well, the earliest known uses of the term date back to the late 17th century. It comes from an old Dutch word that means to strike or hit, and it likely gained popularity because the other terms associated with the practice are doodlebugging, water witching, and following a stick around like an asshole. Those were the other options. Yeah, no, you go with dousing in that instance. Okay, so what kind of things might dowsers look for? Well, Noah, since it's not a real thing, they can perform no better than chance on any number

of targets. Water, oil, hidden treasure, golf balls, kidnapping victims, Vladimir Putin's ex-girlfriend, whatever you want. I guess they just use the same method for all that stuff? Of course they do. Since it doesn't work, the success rate is exactly the same no matter who does it, what they're looking for, or how much experience they have.

So win-win. Incredibly convenient. Always works. So now are you saying that everybody who douses is faking it? Well, no. Some of them are just genuinely stupid or crazy. So I guess there's a few. But I mean you would think even a stupid person would notice something was wrong

when their magic stick isn't actually doing anything. Well, good point. But the stick actually does do something thanks to what's called the ideomotor effect. As it happens, if you hold a stick or a wire in your hands loosely enough for the object to swing freely, the object will, indeed, swing freely sometimes in directions. How could that be enough to fool anybody? Well, the shifts can actually be pretty dramatic, and it's easy not to realize you're the one moving it. It's the same phenomenon that moves the planchette thing on the Ouija board.

No, that's the other person pushing the planchette on the Ouija board. Okay, usually, yeah, but when it's not that, it actually is the ideomotor effect. Okay, well, now this sounds goofy as all hell, but as long as there aren't a bunch of people in the outback relying on this method to survive, it doesn't seem like a particularly harmful branch of nonsense. Well, that's because you're not as creative as the charlatans that are trying to sell this shit. For example, miners and oil companies have been swindled out of millions of dollars by dowsers who claim to be able to find oil and precious things by swinging a pendulum over

a map. Well, not even over the ground. Color me a commie, but I guess i just can't shed too many tears for those poor oil company execs that got money fucked for a lack of critical thinking okay maybe if there was some kind of noble cranks that swindled from the rich to give to the poor we could forgive them for their dousing trick but the same method that can't be used to find oil also can't be used to find a missing loved one, for example. And it's often for the same price. All right, okay, so I guess that's bad, yeah.

And it actually gets worse. There's a number of companies using the same ideomotor illusions to sell worthless divining rods to governments around the world to check for explosives, often for tens of thousands of dollars per unit. For a magic stick? Well, no. These ones are rods. These are magic rods.

Oh, well, in that case. Now, okay, so I guess I only have to ask this because that's how we format this segment. But tell me, Heath, how bullshit is it? Right. If I'm going to make an analogy, call it riding a motorcycle behind a laxative-induced stampede in a low-gravity environment. Oh, wow. Not the best. I see.

Well, Heath, thanks for your help, as always. Without a helmet. Gotcha. Because it can't fit around the orthodontic headgear that's holding your mouth open. Oh, can we stop now? All right, if we must, but shit. Mouths. Run, grab the youngins, folks.

It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. Today we're going to open up our Bibles to 1 Samuel and learn all about the first king of Israel that didn't completely shit the royal bed, David. Now David was born to a lowly shepherd named Jesse and his extremely fertile wife, heroine referred to as Jesse's girl. According to the book of Samuel, Jesse had at least eight sons. He only had seven according to Chronicles, but for now, fuck Chronicles, we'll be

sticking with Samuel. So David grew up like a normal boy, tending flocks, killing lions and bears with rocks, and probably masturbating furiously when nobody was around. Until one day when he was 15 years old and he and his brothers were summoned by Saul, the first king that the all-knowing God accidentally gave Israel to. Jesse presented all eight or more of his sons to Saul and the prophet Samuel. But it wasn't until he reached David that Samuel seemed satisfied. So he poured oil all over David,

which is usually a precursor for anal, but wasn't this time. Or maybe it was, because according to the Bible, after that, quote, from that time the Spirit of God came upon David, end quote. Now that might mean that God jizzed all over him all the time, but it probably just means that God talked to him a lot and liked him more than all the other kids. So remember, boys and girls, if you hear strange voices in your head, that probably just means God wants you to be king of his chosen people,

not that you need psychiatric medicine. So one day, Saul pissed off God by killing a bull wrong. So God abandoned him and Saul got really depressed. And the only thing that can make him happy was listening to someone play the lyre, which is like a wussy little harp. So his servants went out all over the country looking for the best lyre player. And wouldn't you know it? It was David. Well, David moved into the palace and played the lyre for Saul whenever he asked. And if you read this thing liberally, he took it in the ass when Saul asked too. Pretty soon, Saul and David became really good friends.

And Saul gave him a job carrying around the king's armor and weapons, which sounds like a shit job, but it's probably better than beating off to the hind side of a sheep all day. And as it turned out, David has steady work because Saul was the kind of guy that needed his armor carried around an awful lot. Pretty much the whole time he was king, Israel was at war with the Philistines, and for most of that time, they were getting their asses kicked. In fact, one Philistine was so powerful that he challenged the king's entire army to a battle and promised that if even one of them could defeat him, the whole army would surrender.

But none of the Jews would fight him because they were all a bunch of pussies. Well, all but one anyway. You see, when David heard of this notorious Philistine warrior, he decided if nobody else was willing to take on Goliath, it would have to fall to him. Of course, none of the Israeli soldiers thought David stood a chance because he was so much smaller than Goliath. But it was okay because David had a plan. So he went to face off against a mighty warrior. But way before Goliath could get anywhere near him, he fired a rock from a slingshot right into Goliath's head and killed him. And even though that's a really cowardly way to fight somebody by any reasonable standard,

the Philistines surrendered and everybody acted like David just did something valiant. And all through the kingdom, everyone celebrated David's victory. Well, everyone except Saul, that is. Everyone celebrated David's victory. Well, everyone except Saul, that is, because when Saul looked at this handsome young catcher, he wondered if perhaps his time as king might be coming to an end. Will David replace Saul as the king of Israel? Will he consummate his friendship with Saul's son Jonathan?

And if so, will there be ass play or will they just do oral? Find out the answers to these questions and more next week on part two of the story of david before we blow out the candles tonight i wanted to apologize for the delays getting the audio for the roast that we did at reason con i don't actually have the raw audio on that so i'm waiting on somebody else to take care of it and unfortunately he's one of those people with a family and a job and other obligations and all that crap. No word on when that'll be up just yet, but keep an eye on our Facebook page,

and I'll have a link to it as soon as it's available. We'll probably be posting it on our Patreon page, but it'll be free to listen to even if you aren't a patron. I'll let you know as soon as it's up. I also wanted to apologize to the many fine folks that were deserving of a shout-out after ReasonCon. I hesitate to say anything to anyone for fear of leaving somebody out and feeling like an asshole later, so I simply want to offer a blanket shout out to all

the awesome listeners, podcasters, and other various conference goers that made that weekend so much fun. Thanks, and hope to see you again on the circuit. Not sure when Heath and I are going to be hitting our next conference, but we'd love to record our first live episode sometime this year, so hopefully we'll be able to make that happen, and if so, we'll let you know early and often. And speaking of Heath, I need to thank

him once again for being an indefatigable progenitor of dick jokes. Of course, I need to thank Lucinda for pulling double duty tonight, and apparently triple duty over the next few weeks as she attempts her first biblical trilogy. Very much looking forward to that. I also wanted to thank Cass and Bob from the Everyone's Agnostic podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote,

few things I love more than encouraging middle-aged intellectuals to make monkey noises. Their show, by the way, is filling a very important niche, I think. Definitely worth a listen. If you'd like to follow that advice, you'll find a link to their podcast on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Jonathan, Lane, Scott, Mitch, Brian, James, Jason, Gareth, and Dan.

Jonathan, Lane, and Scott, whose neuronal activity could overload a flux capacitor. Jason, Gareth, and Don, whose erections rise and fall with more fanfare than some Middle Eastern regimes. And Mitch, Brian, and James, who donkeys will blow in Tijuana should donkeys ever take over the Earth. I'd also like to offer my sincerest apologies and thanks to Anne Jane, who inadvertently got left out of last week's thanks, despite having an intellect that makes Ultron look like an Apple IIe. Together, these nine nemeses of nonsense have nudged our net worth nearer to nominal this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the sense and sense it requires to give us money, but if you think you're up for the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, which you'll find linked on our homepage, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And remember, per-episode donors get extended episodes as soon as they're available, often minutes or even hours before the general release, and one-time donors get the eternal satisfaction of knowing the world would have had at least a few fewer dick jokes about Jesus if it wasn't for them. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving all your money for phase three of your evil plan,

you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show on social media if your family won't disown you over it, and telling a godless friend about the show. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. After, you know, like everybody was questioning, like after the Skeptocrat episode where you fucked up on the its, and everybody was like, man, man, what's going on with Heath?

First take! And you had, oh man, you almost had that, you almost nailed that perfectly. I dropped this, but it's connected to my head. Still pretty damn good, yeah, exactly.