The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 121: Epistlin' Dixie Edition

Episode Date: June 11, 2015

In this week's episode, Abercrombie and Fitch will try to outwit the Supreme Court with a line of ass length burqas; ISIS leaders suspect Mossad was behind the circumcised spy-pigeons; and we'll learn that Americans are great at soccer as long as they don't have penises.

Warning, the following podcast contains words that people who are offended by words are offended by. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Illuminati's new line of mind-control TV dinners, Florine Cuisine. Every single O in our ingredient list is GM'd by a genuine certified Nazi geneticist. Florine Cuisine. Just add tap water. Or don't. We're going to secretly oppress you either way. And now, the scathing atheist.

This is Joe Kindik from the Unbuckling the Bible Belt podcast here in Nashville, Tennessee, and I can assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. I mean, why else would I have all this hair on my palms, right? right? It's Thursday! It's June 11th. And Americans are pretty good at soccer when they don't have a penis. Huh, yeah, interesting.

I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from the city so nice they named it once, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Abercrombie and Fitch will try to outwit the Supreme Court with a line of ass-length burqas. ISIS leaders suspect Assad was behind the circumcised spy pigeons they found. And Lucinda will join us as we piss a little more time away on the Bible. But first, the diatribe. Religion is stupid. When you strip away all the theological garnishes, it's just a series of stupid answers.

Where'd the universe come from? Super universe creator that loves me. What happens to us when we die? We go to super happy fun land. Why are we here? So that God can show us how awesome he is. Why do good people suffer? Because I'll get back to you on that one. Now,

apparently, I'm supposed to act like smart people can look at both explanations, and some are going to side with a religious worldview, and others are going to side with the atheist worldview. I'm supposed to pretend that there are intelligent reasons a person could think that religion is true, but there aren't. And I don't like to pretend things are true when they're not. And if I did, I'd probably be religious. So let me be clear here. I'm not saying that smart people can't be religious. Not sure why I always have to qualify that.

If I said, you know, looking for your sunglasses when they're on the top of your head is stupid, I'm under no obligation to remind people that I'm not saying everybody who's ever looked for their sunglasses on the top of their head is stupid. But when it comes to religion, if I don't have the addendum, people bitch at me. So there it is. You know, yes, of course, some religious people are really, really smart on subjects other than whether or not there's a God, but they're dumb

on that one, kind of by definition, right? I mean, it doesn't make the proposition any less stupid, because even the smart people who are religious aren't religious for smart reasons. And I feel confident enough to state that as an absolute, because there aren't any smart reasons to be religious. Now again, let me be very, very clear here because a lot of people are inclined to make apologies for the smart religious folks. And some of these are valid on some levels, but none of them change the overall dumbness of it.

The apology I most often hear goes something like this, right? You look at a bright kid, grows up in a religious household, in a religious town, goes to a religious school, has religious friends. No matter how smart she is, she's almost certainly going to come out religious, right? Well, you know what? Sure, I'll see that, but she still got there for stupid reasons, because it's stupid to assume that your parents and teachers and friends are all correct about something that isn't even logically coherent. I mean, look, any critical examination of theology

is going to betray fatal flaws in the logic if you approach the question objectively, and the ability to approach a question objectively is a prerequisite to the ability to approach that question intelligently. At best, I'll concede that there are, in some instances, smart reasons to pretend you're religious, but never to actually believe it. I mean, look, let's turn to our good buddies at Merriam-Webster. According to them, the definition of stupid is, well, it starts with not intelligent, and that doesn't tell us much, so here's the meat of it. Quote, having or showing a lack of ability to learn and understand things, not sensible or logical, end quote.

So not only is religion stupid, religion is stupid in noun form. Religion is a stupid. It's an artificially imposed inability to learn and understand things. It's illogic and nonsense incarnate. It's stupidity but weaponized. And if you don't believe me, ask any non-religious public high school student in Louisiana. They'd be happy to tell you. Now, of course, there are some people who are nodding along and saying, yes, you know what? Religion is stupid, but it's even more stupid to say that out loud. You're just being rude and unproductive and turning people off

and galvanizing the resistance and making us look like assholes. But the thing is, rude is external. I can't control rude. I can control honest, but that's an absolute that I can strive for, but rude is something that you define. So if I set out not to offend anyone, I'm hamstringing candor for the sake of an unattainable goal. And I'm not just talking about some ephemeral ideal of honesty here. I'm not talking about some internal reward that I give myself for the successful execution of intellectual integrity. I'm talking about the value of defining your terms in a way that doesn't disguise your intention and that doesn't work

against your goal. Because the point is, A, that religion is stupid. B, that there's no smart reason to be religious. And C, that religious people aren't stupid. Not all of them anyway. And I'm not just adding that as a platitude. That's the point. I'm pointing out our strategic advantage. Smart people have been convinced to believe a stupid thing for stupid reasons. That's not an insult. That's a fucking opportunity. And if we're too polite to put all that shit on the table, we're not taking full advantage of it. Look, the defining characteristic of membership in this group is whether or not you're willing to consistently answer

this one question incorrectly. You're allowed to be right on a varying amount of other stuff depending on the particular religion and denomination, but every religion sets aside certain facts and says you can't be in our club unless you agree to be stupid on these issues. And yet so many people would have me back off of my rhetoric here. They'll say like, well, you know what, religious people don't make the distinction that you're making.

They identify so heavily with their religion that when you say religion is stupid, they hear you're stupid. Well, you know what, maybe they do. And that's a great opportunity to point out to them what a stupid thing that is to think. But look, when I make the distinction between a stupid idea and the intelligence of the person that holds that idea, that's not some throwaway line to insulate myself from accusations of acrimony. That's the fucking point. I'm not telling mentally handicapped people they're stupid. I'm not saying like, hey, people with learning disabilities are stupid. I'm walking up to a smart person and saying, hey, you know what?

Lighting that hammer on fire and hitting yourself in the face with it is stupid. And I'm counting on them to have the intelligence to eventually agree with me. They're talking about you, Jesus. May the roughness broadcast bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the guy who does the headlines with me, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to do the headlines? What are we doing, the minimalist version of the intro now? Going streamlined? Well, not if I have to answer that question, we aren't. Fair enough. In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court ruled last week that Abercrombie and Fitch of Tulsa, Oklahoma, violated Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 when they denied a Muslim woman named Samantha Elough a job as a sales associate because she insisted

on wearing a headscarf that violated the company's employee dress code. By a vote of 8 to 1, a group that's allegedly made up of our nation's top legal minds, they demonstrated that lone dissenter and possibly deaf and dumb person Clarence Thomas is more logical than all the rest of them on this particular issue, which is not encouraging. The only thing I like about this particular ruling is that it went against a shitty, overpriced clothing store that, until recently, had the hiring policies of a strip club, approximately. Sure, they still do.

But look, in defense of the idiots on the court and the people on the court that aren't Scalia, I think they've gotten the ruling right. It's just that the legislature got the law wrong. So here's the problem for me. The ruling is claiming that it's illegal to treat job applicants differently based on religion, which is true and completely irrelevant because the hiring policy in question treated all religions equally. I'm sure they've hired Muslim people before, just not the ones that refused to perform the job description. And I seriously doubt the Abercrombie store in Oklahoma had dudes with yarmulkes walking around the sales floor. And there's a balance to strike here, I think, because if you had a hiring policy against, you know, I don't know, wearing magic underwear under your clothes or whatever, that'd be a real easy place to hide bigotry against Mormons. But not that that's a thing. But look, I don't think anybody's arguing that Abercrombie and Fitch created this.

You have to have pretty hair that's really big and visible policy like to spite a certain religion. And right or wrong, their dumbass hair policy is based on a business model that they prefer. So as much as it really pains me to say it, I agree with Clarence Thomas here. And in putting the Malays in Malaysian news tonight, a group of Western tourists in Malaysia face possible criminal charges after allegedly murdering people with an earthquake by taunting a mountain god with their dicks. Or, in local police parlance, a 218 in progress.

Now, the ten tourists, identified as Europeans in news reports that freely admit the two of them were Canadian, apparently snuck away from their tour to take a group nudie, and the Malaysian ancestor spirits that inhabit this mountain, upon seeing so much white ass at the same time, naturally responded by causing the mountain to tremble and kill people who weren't those tourists. That's fucking geology 101 right there.

I mean, duh. Yeah, I took that class, and that is how it works. It was right between recess and lunch. It was a good class. We did a whole unit on girthquakes. It's real stuff. But it definitely sounds like a few of those tourists might have been Patreon donors, too. That's entirely possible.

I hope not, because they might be in Malaysian prison. So Sabah Deputy Chief Minister Joseph Perrin-Katingan laughed off unsubstantiated claims that the deadly quake was caused by friction built up between tectonic plates, explaining that while that might account for the quake itself, it can't explain why he saw an ominous flight of swallows circling outside his house during breakfast earlier in the week. That's funny, though, because flight of swallows circling outside his house during breakfast earlier in the week. That's funny, though, because flight of swallows was the name of the movie the tourists were making.

Something like that. Part of it, anyway. Preemptively responding to claims that this was a really stupid thing to think, he added, quote, Whether other people believe this or not, it's what we Sabans believe. When the earthquake happened, it's like a confirmation of our beliefs, end quote. Well, I sure hope Mr. Katingan learned his lesson about the deadly

consequences of ignoring bird geometry omens when you live next to a mountain demon. Rookie mistake. How the hell did he ever get that job? Now, clearly unaware that threatening to toss tourists in Malaysian jail for illegal possession of a tectonic ass power might be a drag on the local economy,

Malaysian officials are currently on a hunt for the five culprits still believed to be in the area. Really? The fugitives? Yes, exactly. From a mountain demon. A ceremony to appease the mountain spirit is scheduled for next week, followed immediately by a press release to remind the rest of the world that Malaysia is ideally

placed to take over the most backward-ass place on Earth title once climate change takes out the Maldives. Once they're gone, yeah. And in blogger-flogger news tonight, Saudi Arabia seems to think the good guy from the movie Roots was the one

torturing black people with a bullwhip. Thanks to their medieval theocracy and the religion of peace on which it's based, human rights blogger and Nobel Peace Prize nominee Raif Badawi was sentenced most recently to a 10-year jail term, a thousand lashes, and a fine of $250,000.

This was all for his role in the insulting of Islam with a website. Sounds awful, but there is actually a tiny bit of good news, at least, maybe a little. Last week, the Saudi Supreme Court decided on whether or not they should also kill him for apostasy, and they decided against it. So it's just going to be the enormous fine, a decade in Saudi prison, and some light torture. Yeah, well, yes, assuming that the Thousand Lashes don't kill him, I suppose this was kind of good.

And by the way, this is just a punishment for saying something that is interpreted as an insult to Islam. He didn't say, like, fuck Mohammed up the ass or anything. He started a website that said, hey, maybe we shouldn't murder apostates with swords. And that was an insult worth whipping him

nearly to death over. I'm sorry, but if anything is an insult to your religion, it's that fucking kangaroo sharia bullshit excuse for a legal system you have in Saudi Arabia. Exactly. That's an insult. Disgusting. And in commission implausible news tonight,

the county commissioners in Rowan County, North Carolina, voted in favor of pissing all over a pile of taxpayer money and then setting it on fire, rather than simply abiding by the part of the Constitution that says that jesus isn't in charge of local governance of call in response to a u.s district judge telling them they were violating the law by having exclusively christian prayers at the opening of some of their meetings the commissioners have told the judge to go f asterisk asterisk asterisk himself because that's how religious people cuss and continued right along violating the law even before deciding to appeal the ruling.

Have these idiots not seen what always ends up happening in these situations? Apparently not. Pretty soon you've got Satanist warlocks at your meetings, they've got a court order, and now you have to let them do a prayer. Right. And then you've got demons in the building, but your insurance doesn't cover demons and exorcisms, a whole big thing. Yeah, that's the waste of taxpayer money I was talking about. So this week they decided to make the ongoing practice at least seem a little less illegal

by unanimously voting to appeal the ruling. During the speech that led to the vote, Chairman Greg Edds summed up the ruling in a way that made it absolutely clear that he didn't even know what part of what they were doing was illegal. He seemed to think that the question of whether the commissioner or clergy member delivered the exclusively Christian prayer mattered somehow. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it wasn't like unsafe prayers from non-experts that was the problem for the federal judge on that ruling. I don't think that was the issue.

And in cardinal sin news tonight, ISIS has reportedly executed several people and also several pigeons as punishment for violation of a new rule against breeding the birds, as issued by radical cleric Dierre Ez-Zour of Syria. It seems the practice has been banned for several reasons, including the way it distracts people from killing Shiites, and also because new bullshit laws like this allow secret police to arrest people and extort ransom payments. Right, yeah. But most importantly, it's because proper Muslims are supposed to be constantly walking around with binoculars looking directly at the sun, and if they see a bunch of pigeon cocks hanging out, they all go to hell. Right, yeah. Those are the rules, so obviously the pigeons are going to be a problem. Oh, and spoiler alert, by the way, that's actually the linchpin of Donald Trump's secret plan to defeat ISIS.

Dude. Relies on sinful pigeon dicks. Sorry. You just ruined it. I said spoiler alert. So, I'm guessing it will not be long before we hear about Pamela Keller commissioning large squadrons of pigeon drones with enormous robotic penises to fly around muzzled neighborhoods pissing me off. I'm sure Brookstone will have a mass-produced retail version out soon.

Well, yeah, and anybody who thinks for a second that Pamela Geller doesn't already have a squadron's worth of enormous robotic penises clearly doesn't have the same experience with Jewish women that I have. And it turns out they were serious about indicting that ham sandwich news tonight. The Israeli Defense Forces have reversed the decision to stick a soldier in the brig for unlawful possession of forbidden pig flesh after the rest of the earth found out they were going to do it and started laughing at them.

The unnamed U.S.-born soldier was initially sentenced to 11 days in a military prison for violating kosher dietary policies by carrying a hot ham and cheese on base. In a public apology for the incident, Brigadier General Mahdi Omaz tried to make this seem less unreasonable by saying quote, there are tensions in Israeli society and there are different stances and opinions, but there is room for everyone in the IDF, end quote. Okay, but how did the Israeli military know

it was a ham and cheese sandwich? How would they even know what to look for with that? How did they check? Somebody's cheating. Not just that soldier. For the record, if the only negative thing about religion is that occasionally forced grown-ups to spend government time trying to strike the right balance between eating bacon

and offending God, that would be enough to justify the atheist movement right there. And of course, all this talk of fried pork signed back fat has my tummy a-rumbling, so we'll be taking a bacon-making break and handing things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was.

If it's a legitimate rape. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogyny. I'll be the first to admit that not all efforts toward equality are created equal. Some people are making misguided and unproductive attempts to solve real problems, I'll be the first to admit that not all efforts toward equality are created equal. Some people are making misguided and unproductive attempts to solve real problems,

while some are using effective means to solve issues so petty they don't even qualify as problems. And gender equality falls prey to that tendency as much as any other movement. For example, a group of female Anglican bishops are calling upon God to get sex reassignment surgery. Sort of. What they're actually doing is trying to shift the God pronoun to the feminine. Reverend Jody Stowe explains that according to Orthodox theology, God is both a man and a woman. Quote, so when we only speak of God in a male form, that's actually giving us a deficient understanding of who God is. End quote. So while I'll agree that anybody who fails to answer bullshit does suffer from a deficient understanding of what God is,

somehow I don't think miscapitalizing a different pronoun is going to do much to weed out the sexism of an institution that still reveres a book that puts the dollar price on rape victims and discourages female audibility. But nice try there, ladies. Those windmills are probably just about to give up. But when it comes to insanely counterproductive applications of the principle of equality, I may have the quintessential example in this next story out of Turkey. According to what seems by every measure to be a legitimate Turkish news site, a woman in the city of Ankara has been ordered by court to pay a fine after injuring her husband during a domestic dispute.

Now, to be fair, the husband was also fined. And if she didn't want to pay a court penalty, she should have thought about that before she fucked his fist all up with her face and stomach. That's right. According to the court itself, the injury the man suffered was a swollen fist from hitting her so much. That and some scratches on his chest. So I guess the only silver lining here, if you're a battered wife in Turkey,

is that you basically have a green light to cut his nuts off or something, you know, since you're going to get in trouble either way. And finally tonight, I wanted to give a quick update on a story we covered last week. You'll recall a news item about a group of Jews that were expelling kids from school if their mothers drove cars. Yeah, how could you forget that one, right? Well, as it turns out, the UK isn't Saudi Arabia, and that shit ain't legal. The UK's Equality and Human Rights Commission informed the ultra-Orthodox sect of the fact in a letter that described the practice as, quote, unlawful and discriminatory, end quote. And while the best part of this story is definitely the tiny nudge away from full subjugation that the state offered to women in this community,

I can't help but linger on the fact that the chair of the commission that sent these misogynistic assholes the order telling them they couldn't do that anymore was a woman. And while I didn't see a copy of the letter itself posted online anywhere, I really hope she ended up by telling them, don't make me drive over there and tell you in person. Biatch. Anyway, that does it for the segment this week, but before I sign off, I want to ask a quick favor of anyone who wants to send another email about how this show is too feminist. By all means, if that's your opinion, keep the emails coming.

But do us the favor of defending that argument with the references to stuff that we actually talked about in the show, rather than stuff you heard some feminists say one time. Thanks. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in diocesan desist news tonight, prosecutors in Minnesota have filed criminal charges against the Archdiocese of St. Paul in Minneapolis, alleging that their chronic mishandling and underreporting of sexual misconduct complaints amounts to criminal misconduct.

The charges stem from cases spanning a three-year period from 2008 to 2010, not the fucking 50s. So to everybody who's buying the that was then line, consider that this particular archdiocese was probably the second most high profile in the country when it came to sexually abusing children at the time that this was occurring. And even then, they weren't paying attention. Late aughts were a simpler time. It's like raping with apples and oranges. Let's talk about that now.

It's irrelevant. Why do you keep bringing up old shit? Now, the scathing charges in the indictment revolve around a former priest by the name of Curtis Waymire, who is currently serving concurrent sentences for child molestation and possession of child pornography, and awaits other charges in other states when he gets out of prison this time. Now, this guy could not have exhibited any more warning signs without getting I fuck kids tattooed across his forehead. According to the complaint, his superiors were warning their higher ups about the guy starting in seminary back in the 90s. He had repeated run ins with the cops in areas that you basically only go to either pick

up prostitutes or be a prostitute. He chose to use the same bathroom as the kids instead of the grown up ones that all the post pubescent people used. He had known prior problems with alcohol and drug abuse. He took kids on unapproved camping trips. Does he have to wear a fucking NAMBLA name badge to work or something? What the hell? It's fucking awful. That

all sounds pretty damning. But to be fair, when you weigh that stuff against all the people this guy probably helped send to heaven, shit, the scale didn't move. So yeah, it's good he's in jail. Yeah, no shit and as if the myriad warning signs weren't enough and apparently they weren't the archdiocese also by the way had actual complaints and reports from children that accused him of molesting them

again at the absolute height of the catholic sex abuse scandals and despite all of that they didn't turn him into the cops they didn't get him psychiatric treatment and they didn't even make sure that he wasn't going to work with children. Instead, they put him in a monitoring program where, again, according to the complaint, supervision and follow-through ranged from lax to non-existent. I'm sorry, they monitored the pedophile with other priests? Yeah, right. It's like a fucked-up, lose-lose version of the hen, the fox, and the grain riddle.

It's just two rapists and a kid in a boat. I'm kidding. It's an awful idea. Rikers Island prison guards are better at stopping rape than the Catholic Church. Wow. God. Well said, sir. If convicted on all six counts, the Archdiocese could face a maximum fine of $18,000.

What? That's it. For knowingly keeping a kid rapist around kids for years. There's not enough money. Way to drain that ocean one thimble at a time, guys. Wow. You'll get it one day. And in drive time glick news tonight.

While speaking with Iowa radio host Steve Deese last week, GOP presidential hopeful and guy made of fat suit nesting dolls, Mike Huckabee, thought it would be best to clarify his highly maligned remarks from earlier last year in which he suggested the existence of transgender rights made him wish he was back in high school again so he could pretend to be female and shower with naked girls after gym class. And by the way, when I say clarify, I mean he took back nothing because he meant exactly what he said. Right, yes. And he said that. Given the opportunity to walk back his remarks about pretending to be transgendered to watch teenage girls take their clothes off, this presidential candidate didn't. Chose not to. Yeah, exactly.

There's a bumper sticker for you. Vote Huckabee. He's one Supreme Court decision away from criminally voyeuristic ephephile. So, I'm wondering what Huckabee thinks is happening in girls' locker rooms. He seems to think they're always constantly walking around naked, comparing vaginas,

doing platonic fingering stuff together, talking about, good thing we're all heterosexual females here, this would be awkward. It's ridiculous. He considers himself a common sense candidate, but he also thinks there's nothing high school girls like more

than spontaneous locker room shower orgies with the new hairy fat girl named Mike with the oversized clit. I really don't think that's how it works there.

I hope it is. And reaching elbow deep once again into the always wide open anal pee robes file tonight, 700 Club host and human approximation of the midway point between Monty Burns and Howdy Doody. Pat Robertson offered up some advice this week so bad that it made the exercise the demons from the sweaters you buy at the Goodwill thing sound sane in comparison. He needs a smithers.

Fewer wrote in looking for advice on how to respond to the question, why would God allow my baby to die? Robertson offered up this kernel of compassionate insight. Quote, God sees a little baby and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler. He could grow up to be Joseph Stalin. He could grow up to be some serial killer. End quote. So according to B-Robes, this was a godly fourth trimester abortion? Apparently, yes.

Because God finally read Freakonomics and now he's into that? Kind of weird. Well, maybe somebody told P-Robes that they were like exercising demon fetuses and now he's okay with it. Who knows? Anyway, God's inability to prevent Hitler's without any baby cancer doesn't seem to bother P-Robes here, nor does the fact that babies don't always die painlessly in their sleep.

But the gist of the answer, once we get past the bit where you tell a grieving mother her baby could have been Hitler, was that the dead baby is better off because it gets to spend eternity in heaven with God. And I, for one, applaud him for picking up the slack on telling parents they can murder their babies into paradise. Not enough people sending that message.

Smart move. Obviously. Kid could turn out to be a dick, then he doesn't go to heaven. Kill him. You never know. And finally tonight, from the hijack and coke file, Northwestern University associate chaplain and Muslim person who probably gets harassed by airport security every fucking time, Tahira Ahmad, has filed an official complaint with United Airlines claiming a flight attendant refused to serve her an unopened can of diet coke,

saying something about how it could be used as a weapon by you people. Here in the cabin. You passenger people here in the cabin. Might not have been those exact words, but Ms. Ahmad feels it was definitely religious discrimination and also mentioned anti-Islamic comments from other passengers following the beverage dispute. Well, but now in the flight defendant's defense, he had no way of knowing whether she was already carrying Mentos. They don't scream for that shit.

Could have been a mess. No word on which weaponized beverage systems the employee thought he might be preventing by withholding the all-important linchpin of the hijacking plot, which is, of course, a can of soda. Yep, of course, yeah. It's hard to imagine what kind of Rube Goldberg IED thought was going on there, but look, suffice to say, if you've managed to sneak all the parts of a bomb except an unopened Diet Coke onto the plane, nothing a flight attendant is going to do is going to keep us safe for long.

We're fucked one way or the other. We're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Terrorist beverage weapons that racist airline employees think all the Muslims are probably carrying. All right. How about Dynasprite? Or like Nest TNT? The Juicy Juice Box Cutter? The Ocean Spray-O-Net?

Yeah, there you go. Lem Grenade? Possibly? C4 Our Energy? Pepsi 4? C4 Loco? There we go. The Molotov Cocktail?

We're better than this. We're better than this We're better than Okay how about Capri Sunni Like now if I could only Stab the damn detonator Through this damn hole This fucking time

Without sticking it Through the back It'll work How about Glockwafina Maybe a Coca-Colash-Nacoff Add a couple of shots

Of Red Bullet And you're ready to go What about Grape Knee Hijack Shake well And serve over ISIS. Oh, nice. On a rocks.

How about Dog and Scud's Root Beer? It's like the world's second most popular ballistic sarsaparilla after ICBM. You can't say pom on an airplane. All right, what about the Heckler and Koch Soda Gun by Carbonation of Islam? Putting the coke back in Coke and Spiriter. How about Dranken Shank brand Swiss Army beverage containers? Get some slaughter with your water. That would be their slogan there.

All right. I think I got one more. What about Sunni Delight Saber? The murder weapon that's better than OJ. Oh, nice. With that reminder that jokes about OJ being an unrepentant murderer will never go out of style, I believe we can close the headlines for the night He thanks us always He's a civil murderer

Civil murderer He didn't criminally murder anybody Right Jumaj! And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to share the joy of picking over the 2,000-year-old correspondences of an idiot The Holy Bible. We'll be knocking out two biblical books this week, 1st and 2nd Corinthians. Both of these books originated as letters Paul sent to the early Christians in Corinth, but the style and tone of the two is radically different.

We'll start, of course, with a series of bizarre, sexually repressive, and logically irreconcilable answers to doctrinal questions that Paul presents with his first behemoth letter. This book needs some choose-your-own-adventure options or something. I would have skipped to Revelations a while ago. That would be awesome. The choose-your-own-adventure Bible. Look for it eventually on skatingatheist.com. And, of course, we could probably do a babble without Lucinda, but why the hell would we want to do something like that? So joining us as always is my lovely bride, Lucinda.

What did you think of Corinthians? That its title should never be used in the same sentence as the word think. Excellent point. Okay, I apologize for the oversight. So get us going here, if you don't mind. So we start off by saying Jesus a lot. I mean, seriously, the words Jesus Christ show up eight times in the first two sentences of the book. That's correct.

And at least once in the first five. Yeah, but even with the Jesus stutters, Paul gets to the point pretty quick in this one. They need unity in the church because if they can't agree on basic questions of doctrine, everybody's going to know they're full of shit. They can't agree on basic questions of doctrine, by the way.

Excellent point. He also makes an excuse for why God does dumb shit. Apparently so many humans are doing dumb shit that God thinks that we all just speak fluent dumb shit and wanted to speak to us in the language that we know. The preamble to the entire section basically says all the wise and intelligent people are definitely going to hate this. But, and already right there, it's a problem. Right. But, we all need to get on the same page about this Jesus stuff we all made up. It's not a great start. It does not inspire confidence. Right, and in the very first

chapter, he inaugurates the rallying cry that Christians are still going to lean on 2,000 years later when they start to faction. He says, hey, we may not agree on everything, but at least we can all agree that Jews and pagans are fuck monkeys. Am I right? Am I right? God hates them, right? Paul of Tarsus doesn't always persecute tribes.

But when he does, he prefers the Jews and the pre-Muslims. Yes, exactly. I'd also like to draw everybody's attention to chapter 3, verse 2. I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for solid food. So, congratulations to Paul for convincing the Corinthians that the stuff coming out of there was milk. Say what you will about it, but that is an impressive feat. Or, in secret

Bible code, an impressive double penis. Check the translation. He also says in verse 17 that if anybody kills a Christian, God will kill them back. Eventually. He doesn't say when. Then chapter four reads like a compliment that never gets around to being a compliment.

Paul is saying like, I mean, let's face it. You guys aren't the wisest people in the world, and you're not the strongest, and you're not the prettiest, or the wealthiest, or the healthiest, or the most graceful, or the best smelling, and everybody's just sure that there's going to be a butt here eventually, except there never is. Right. So you know how I was absolutely unbearable to hang out with? Well, I sent my son

Timothy to go remind you about all that stuff. He's just like me. Please don't murder him. I only say that because when I was leaving the last time, I got the distinct impression a bunch of you were plotting to murder me. So this letter is to make sure you know that I was right, and you people were all wrong,

and please don't murder my son, who's about to show up. Yeah, yeah, well no son, brother, friend, a lot of titles for Timothy there, but definitely not gay lover. That was definitely not it. And you know that chapter 5 is going to be fun right away, because it opens with this promising series of words. Quote,

it is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you and of a kind that is not even found among the pagans, end quote. So there's a chapter opening that'll wake you back up mid-epistle. Well, and as promising as it seemed, the perversity he was talking about was fucking your stepmom. So he oversold that one, just to tell you. A little bit, yeah. Seriously, with all the crazy weird sex stuff going on in first century Greece,

the best intelligence Paul got was about one guy that fucked his hot stepmom? Right? Seriously? Come on. I'm picturing the Corinthians reading this letter in just tears of laughter. Especially the other 200 people were at that particular pansexual orgy with the dude and his stepmom who accidentally crossed swords. Yeah, right.

The rest of them must have found that entertaining. Yeah, the part about cleaning out the yeast isn't as promising as it seemed in the first glance either. No, yeah. I was hoping for more. He also says you're not allowed to eat with hookers and drunks, which eliminates all the best eateries right away. But more importantly, if you're taking this thing seriously, it means that Paul is condemning

Jesus. Exactly. And then he tells everybody to stop suing each other. I mean, come on, isn't it better to just, you know, be swindled? Well, something tells me chapter six is going to be a lot more popular all of a sudden if the Supreme Court gets the marriage equality thing right. Yeah. You know? Yeah, and all about how you should never listen to secular courts when religious bullshit is available.

Right. Yeah, but even if Justice Scalia decided to use this particular chapter as an argument against marriage equality, he's definitely going to run into trouble. Verse 9 says something about men having sex with men won't get into heaven, but this was just a sloppy translation of two different words in the original Greek that actually mean the passive gay sexer and the active gay sexer. Those are two separate words, not just men and men. So if one dude just lies there, it's no good, I guess. But the way I'm reading this, as long as they both enjoy themselves

and there's a little bit of, you know, power bottom going on and they trade off innings on the mound, that's legal. I don't think they're interpreting that correctly. Interesting midrash. And by the way, according to verse 13 of chapter 6, your dick belongs to God and God swallows. A lot of member talk here. I had to write this one down actually because it seemed like such a good porn plot to pitch to the people at Pure Flix.

Chapter 6, verse 15. Do you not know that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? And I'm sure the Corinthians are saying, yeah, baby, unite that member. D-V-D-A. Get your phone.

But the real action in 1 Corinthians is definitely in chapter 7, because that's the one where Paul talks about how awesome not fucking is. Now, he does admit that fucking is a good alternative to beating off, but nothing beats not having any orgasms at all. That's the ideal.

He says, I wish that all of you were as I am, but each of you has your own gift from God. One has this gift, another has that. Basically, how do I stay celibate? I'm a creepy, asexual, preachy asshole, but that doesn't work for everyone. That's not for everybody. Some of you might be pleasant, attractive people.

I don't know. Nobody's perfect. You've got to come up with your own strategy, though. He also comes out pro-marital rape, by the way, as Heath mentioned last week. And it says every dude should stick with whatever foreskin setup they had when they found Jesus. So just in case you were growing it back like a playoff beard, you

should stop. Don't do that. It's good information. Useless fucking shit. And I think 1 Corinthians 7 21 is underutilized by atheists. This is the passage where, according to most biblical scholars, Paul recommends that slaves who are in a position to purchase their own freedom instead give

that money to the church. Yes. Fuck your freedom. And while you're still reeling from that, he says, now let's talk virgins. And I'm thinking, okay, you got my attention. But here's Paul's advice to the virgins of the world. Don't bother fucking anybody because Jesus is going to be back any minute.

Yeah. He'll be around. Yeah, the message in chapter 7 is clear. Fucking is evil, but God will forgive you sometimes. Might not, but sometimes you will. Yeah. So clearly Paul just has a checklist he's going through. He looks back at the letter.

He's like, okay, so we covered stepmotherfucking, suing each other, not beating off. What else is vitally important? Not eating sacrificed food to idols. That's it. Idol food, right. But I got to admit, this was a good little selling point at this spot. Christians can eat pretty much whatever they want now.

It's a good little selling point at this spot. Christians can eat pretty much whatever they want now. It's a good announcement. I'm sure people with non-medical dietary restrictions were just as annoying back in the day. Walking up to your street cart full of dead animals in Corinth, how many grams of gluten is in that rabbit? How long did you bleed it for? Dude, I don't know. I shot it in the face with a bone arrow and I put it in this box. I pull up the line every day with this shit. It's a dead rabbit.

Do you want it? Do you want the dead rabbit? And then in chapter 9, the lady doth protest too much. The whole fucking chapter is about how it's God's will that Paul doesn't have a job, and everybody takes care of him. And Paul, the apostolic couch surfer, dedicates a whole fucking chapter of the Bible to why people should give him food and shit. dedicates a whole fucking chapter of the Bible to why people should give him food and shit.

And in chapter 10, Paul reminds everyone that reading the Old Testament is still useful. For example, it's a great way to learn about how to avoid becoming part of an evil race and murdering the savior of humanity. So keep checking up on that. One of the many benefits. And just when you're thinking to yourself,

is this all the misogyny we're going to get? We arrive at chapter 11, where Paul explains why all good Christian women should wear their burkas. And do whatever their husbands say. Yes, dear. He also points out that men who wear their hair long are a disgrace to themselves,

so get a haircut and a real job, Jesus. And then he finally gets around to doling out the superpowers. Right. So if you become a Christian, you'll apparently be assigned one of the following superpowers at random. Super wisdom, super faith, healing powers, miracle powers, the ability to speak all languages, precognition, or the ability to command demons. Right. I got to say, though, if you're giving out superpowers and none of them are flying, I just don't trust them.

Right, or invisibility, none of the good shit. And I'm sure it's like one of those McDonald's contests where technically everybody wins, but most of them, pretty much everybody just gets the half-priced fries or whatever. It's like, damn it, I got super faith, too. Aw, man. Then we come to probably the most well-known excerpt from Corinthians, the one where Paul explains that we see through a glass darkly, known excerpt from Corinthians, the one where Paul explains that we see through a glass darkly, which basically comes in the midst of an explanation as to why other people seem to know way more stuff

than him and be right more often. That's what he was talking about. There's also the part about how love is not envious or proud or arrogant or rude or shitty about using the pen and the crosswords. Stops at the end of the merging. A whole bunch of meaningless things that love isn't,

which, of course, thousands of dudes getting married plagiarized when they couldn't come up with their own vows. Yeah, right. And according to Paul, by the way, the thing Christians should be striving for is the ability to prophecy. Right. I guess that's level nine Jesus power or something. But he talks on and on about how when you really master this being a Christian thing,

you'll be able to see the future. Right. So all you guys be able to see the future. So all you guys are Christianing wrong. I'm sorry. You're doing it wrong. I hate to be the one to tell you. Yeah, he also humble brags about being the very best tongue speaker in the whole wide world. But he at least has the decency to admit that babbling incoherently isn't as productive as not doing that.

Saying real words. Exactly. And I think we'd be remiss not to at least mention 14, 34, and 35 of this book, which reminds us that women should shut the fuck up and do what they're told. Now, most biblical scholars, pretty much all biblical scholars, believe that this one was added later and doesn't represent Paul's actual writing. And the way it just cuts in out of nowhere to disrupt the flow of the ramblings definitely supports that. So, yes, somebody read through this book a few centuries later or whatever and said

i don't think we've spent enough time on how inferior women are are we let's let's add a little something here about how my wife should fuck off let's just we're not doing all right my bitch where to go this was clearly just some dude who convinced his wife that jesus died for like more blow jobs and butt got pissed, and she showed up at church and started asking questions. So, made a rule against women talking at church. You ask questions at home. Husband will figure it out for you.

Yes, the butt sex and the blowjobs for Jesus. Yes, it's a real thing. And then it takes the whole book for him to get to his real fucking point, but the last chapter opens up with instructions on how the Corinthians better have some fucking money for him when he swings by yeah he goes all pimp on him and reminds him that they shouldn't have to wait until he arrives to start scraping to gather some coin it should be there when he shows up yeah and then he tells everybody to send

his love to tim bill uncle ned yeah all of that stays in the book for some damn reason no idea why why do we need to know this? I know I said this before, but I'm like 99% sure you're still all planning to murder my son when he shows up and starts. Please don't. Seriously. Just don't. Don't murder my son. And that's going to do it for 1 Corinthians, but that's not going to do it for the Babel this week.

We've got another book coming up, but first, a quick break for an important public service announcement. As many of you are no doubt aware, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan starts on the evening of June 17th, less than a week after this episode airs. Of course, Ramadan is celebrated by Muslims all over the world who pretend that not eating or drinking or having sex all day is good and that they enjoy it. But what about all of us atheists who want to join in all the abstinent fun but lack the nonsensical theological beliefs required? After all, if the Muslims in America ever want to gain broad acceptance, they're going to have to learn how to expand their holidays, commercialize them, and bastardize everything they represent so that they can be more profitable. commercialize them, and bastardize everything they represent so that they can be more profitable. So, in an effort to reach out to the Muslim community here in America and around the world,

I'll be observing a new month-long celebration that I hope can become a secular parallel to this sacred Islamic holiday. Here's how it works. Every day for the entire month of Ramadan, between sunrise and sunset, I'm going to be sure to do at least one thing that the Prophet Muhammad forbids. Whether that's eating some infidelicious bacon, jerking off, or just teaching a girl math, I'll be spending my days waving my dick at the nonsensical prohibitions that inform the Muslim worldview and eating a fuckton of bacon. If you, too, would like to celebrate the new holy month of Haramadan, be sure to post pictures of all the delicious, unclean flesh of swine as often as possible on all your social media outlets. And remember, you have to blaspheme against the

Declaration of Allah's Holy Prophet before sunset every day, so if you normally jerk off after work, might be a good time to consider switching to a lunchtime rub. Let's face it, if the Muslims are right, and they're not, but if they were, we're going to be suffering through an eternity of having our skin burned off, so let's make the most of our sinful, hedonistic debauchery this Haramadan season. And remember, the only good thing about rising global numbers of Muslims is more dead pig for the rest of us. And now, back to the babble. All right, we're back to babble a bit more, but I think 2 Corinthians kind of needs its own setup because it was way different than the first one.

See, between the penning of these two, yeah, right, Paul made a visit to Corinth, and while there's no official record of exactly what happened, it clearly was not a positive visit. So this time around, he was way less worried about doctrine and way more worried about people not thinking he was a lying fuck. Exactly. He starts off the letter by saying, basically, hey, you know what's awesome about God?

The way he forgives people all the time. Right. Yeah. How about that forgiveness, huh? That's what people who really love God do. You know, they forgive. Then pretty much the rest of the entire letter is just excuses for not showing back up in Corinth again like he promised. Pretty much, yeah.

Plus I had food poisoning and my third grandma died. The traffic was crazy. I mean, I don't want to blame 9-11, but that was a big factor. And the economy. Of course, yeah. Come on. And it refers to another letter, too, that he wrote, something between 1 and 2 Corinthians that's been lost in history, which he calls Letter of Tears. So I'm thinking we're dealing with the Bronze Age equivalent of a drunk dial.

Early Iron Age. Whatever. We'll get emails. We will. So during this drunk dial apology, he litters a letter with brilliant explanations like this one. Chapter 3, verses 10 and 11. Indeed, that once had glory

has lost its glory because of the greater glory. For if what was set aside came through glory, much more has the permanent come in glory. Glory? Yeah. I was wondering where you'd go at the end. So, yeah, they don't say what the tension was about in the first place,

but clearly it involved Paul sticking his dick through a hole. Part of it. And in chapter 5, Paul accidentally reminds everyone about how the best strategy is to live hedonistically until you're almost dead, and then find Jesus at the last second. And that's why it's important for EMT workers to hand out wooden crosses whenever they find a dying atheist man pinned under a large object that's crushing his body. We should make a movie about that. Basically, though, the whole book is a curious mix of shaming and flattery.

It's stuff like, yes, while I was being beaten, imprisoned, and going hungry for the ministry of Christ, which is way more than any of you motherfuckers have ever done, the thing that kept me warm at night was thinking about how big and impressive your dicks are. Concordance. Yeah, complete with bullshit. I'm sorry I thought you guys were so awesome type apologies. ever done. The thing that kept me warm at night was thinking about how big and impressive your dicks are. I'm sorry, I thought you guys were so awesome type apologies. Sorry, I'm not sorry. A whole bunch of you are going to hell. And of course, there was also a bunch of appeals for money.

Look, chapter 8 is fucking shameless. He says, man, those Christians in Macedonia, they sure do give a lot of money to the poor. And me, you know, to give to the poor, like way more than you guys. I mean, you guys are still my favorites, don't get me wrong, and you still have the biggest dicks and the greatest wisdom, and I sure wish I could brag to the Macedonians about how generous you guys were, but you know, I wouldn't want to lie to them, because you guys aren't really all that generous compared to them. And that, of course, comes with his sales pitch for the mafia protection racket

they're clearly running in Corinth. Sure would be unfortunate if something terrible happened to you guys, but don't worry. God said he'd protect you just like he did with all the Jews at a very affordable price. For just three easy payments of, Titus is going to come around and take all your money, this can be yours.

And then there's just a bunch of Jesus-groveling nonsense that's hardly worth mentioning. Except that in chapter 10, Paul goes out of his way to explain that the length and weightiness of his letters wasn't meant to compensate for anything. He does, too! So he wants you

to know he was swinging some pipe. His letter was a good size! I don't have a little bit. I thought the epistle was decent. He also says in verse 12, this Yogi Berra platitude, quote, we do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves, but when they measure themselves with one another, they do not show good sense, end quote. I'm sorry.

Yeah, let me translate that for you in case you didn't catch that. What he's saying is we're way better than those groups of people that compare themselves to other groups of people. Thanks for those fucking words of wisdom, Paul. What time? You mean now? Yes, we mean now. And he clearly

has some apostle envy. Oh, yes. After telling us earlier about how much harder working he is than any other apostle, he disparagingly refers to them

as super apostles in chapter 11. Right. Fucking super apostles. He's definitely not happy with his assistant to the regional apostle type. No, he's got some issues. What a sarcastic fucking chapter this is. He spends the whole thing basically saying, oh yeah, those guys brag about stuff, huh?

Huh? Well, I guess when you've been on all the awesome adventures I've been on, you don't need to brag. Right. And then he resorts to the truly childish tactics, and he starts saying stuff like, but, you know, if you guys want to hate me, that's fine. Everybody else hates me. I guess you guys should be any fucking difference. Bashful kick.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Oh, shucks. And then he says, sincerely, Paul, except it takes him 19 paragraphs because it's the fucking Bible. Right. Okay, so I kind of get what 1 Corinthians is doing in the Bible, right? It tackles all these doctrinal questions, and even though it does a really shitty job,

it at least seems like the kind of thing that should be there. But what the fuck was 2 Corinthians doing there? It is clearly just Paul trying to guilt trip all the people that called him out for being such a fucking bum the last time he showed up, right? Right, right. It really feels like the Corinthians were just on the hook for so many pages of stuff. Right.

Doesn't it? Like, they forgot the New Testament was due, so when the guy showed up to collect it, they just handed over all the pieces of paper they had. Yeah. I got this other paper. Take that. There's writing on that.

Take it. It honestly would be more sensible than any of the scholarly theories that I've heard. I appreciate you clearing that up for me. Now, hold on, though. I've got to say, I do feel a little different after the Corinthians. Oh, do you? I'm not sure if it was the 89th Christ Jesus God reference in a single paragraph.

Maybe it was that Paul's incisive philosophical arguments had an effect on me, or maybe all the other books we read loosened the jar or something. But I'm seriously considering becoming a Christian now. Paul's got one of my feet on the fence. Well, maybe a Judeo-Christian. I'll tell you what, if he's going to do it, he's going to have to do it quick, because there's not much Bible left

to read. Now, from this point on, all the books of the Bible start getting really short, so we're going to be at least doubling up on everything from here to Revelation, which will get its very own segment. So that means that we have only nine Babel segments to go before we retire this motherfucker. Nice. Yeah, sounds good when I say it like that and not say that we'll be done in 30 weeks. Doesn't sound anywhere near as good, does it?

It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that proceeds to the next part. Our first message comes from several different sources, calling out Noah's reference in last week's diatribe to Vampire the Gathering. Yes. Which does not exist. Yeah, no, obviously a conflation of Vampire the Masquerade and Magic the Gathering. T.G.

I just pretty much lost all my 1990s geek cred in that one brief fuck-up, and deservedly so. So I'll be working hard to earn it back. You got in on beta. No joke. All right, we also had a tweet from at Bangs Naughty Bits, who felt like we might have been guilty of a double standard when we covered the story last week about Pamela Geller

and her group getting stonewalled by a sudden change in the Washington, D.C. Transit Authority's advertising policy. Bangs tweets, quote, How is the D.C. Transit Board's decision any different than all the others that changed the rules to not run atheist advertising? And then in a follow-up tweet, says, Remember, it's easy to support free expression that you agree with. Almost like cheating. Okay. So, yeah, I'll freely admit that there is a lot of nuance to this story that we weren't capturing when we discussed it last week. In fact, our pre-production meetings had a bunch of long conversations complete with puzzling hypotheticals trying to hash this particular issue out. So I will admit it's kind of a tough one. Yeah. Well, we're about to get into the details.

But while we do that, let's keep in mind the big picture. Just like lots of public policy issues, decisions about this kind of thing need to happen on a case-by-case basis. And a sword-wielding Muhammad cartoon is at least slightly different than a few words about atheism. Personally, I think you're a fucking lunatic if either of those things bother you, But they're certainly not exactly the same. Right, yeah, it would be easy to pretend that this is a black and white issue, but some restrictions on advertising in the name of good taste are almost certainly desirable. I mean, I've seen the shock value shit people put on their Facebook pages trying to draw attention to this cause or that cause, and I wouldn't want to see a lot of that shit on Subway ads or billboards. So as a starting point for the conversation, I think it's fair to say that some images are too offensive for public advertising.

And then it just becomes a conversation about where we're going to draw that line. Right. It's already long established that the solution isn't no line at all, as much as I personally might enjoy that. So simply pointing out that an arbitrary judgment is being made doesn't count as a complete argument in favor of Geller's poster or anything. Yeah, right. Like, I disagree with the rule that says you can't say fuck in advertising or show a pair of tits or show a dick. But I do agree with the rule that says you can't have a billboard advertisement of, like, some dude dressed as Darwin given some dude dressed as Jesus or Dirty Sanchez, right? So, okay, so let's take a look at the comparison. Geller's ad was a cartoon of Muhammad that said basically, like, Muslims find this offensive, so we put it here. You know, that's the political message of the ad.

The atheist ads that have been similarly thwarted were, I mean, you know, there's been a lot of them, but like the most benign of them simply said atheist and had a website in small print. So I think that there is a substantive difference between saying, I have the right to offend you, see, me offending you, and saying, I exist, right? I mean, you know, and to the platforms that you should be able to say those things on, there is a difference. So I don't know that it's fair to just lump those both together because they were both intended to be transit ads. Right. So I think Noah just answered Mr. Bits' question.

That's the difference. The posters were very different. So that's the distinguishing factor, the very different part. Right. And finally, let's look at the tactics that the DC Transit and and new york mta used to get rid of the ads right they banned all issues advertising as a result of this right so is that a dastardly tactic well i don't know it could be if you support the intended content of the ad but if they looked at this ad and they said well shit our present policy demands that we run this bigoted shit and then based on that

realization they changed their policy so they wouldn't have to this bigoted shit, and then based on that realization, they changed their policy so they wouldn't have to run bigoted shit anymore, I don't know that that's necessarily an underhanded tactic. No, not at all. It just seems like another one of many different local policies against political ads in certain types of public spaces. Right. Bottom line, if the new rules in New York and D.C. are applied fairly,

that should mean no atheist ads and no religious ads. And I'm good with that, although somehow I doubt the applied fairly thing is a guarantee. But that's a separate issue. Well, exactly. So, yeah, complicated issue, a lot of nuance, a lot of room for disagreement. I'm not saying that we have the definitive answer, but I think that Naughty Bits' tweet did the nuance in this story a lot more of a disservice than our coverage of it. And finally, we got an irate message from Calvin, who is actually writing us about something on our sister show, The Skeptocrat,

during a discussion of the guy who played Screech stabbing some dude in Wisconsin. Heath and I talked briefly about the same actor's infamous Dirty Sanchez video, which left Calvin somewhat repulsed. He wrote, quote, I was absolutely disgusted by your discussion during Skeptocrat number 19 about the actor that wiped fecal matter on someone's upper lip. Why the hell did you ever think that a person listening to your show would want to hear about that without then hearing a pun-laced series of sitcom-inspired shit-porn titles? Very remiss.

Your show has pushed the limits of bad taste before, but this time you've gone too near. Well, Calvin, very sorry for the oversight. Absolutely. That's our fault. But we'll do our best to make it up to you with this week's top ten belated titles for sitcom-inspired shit porn. All right. Number ten. It's Always Runny in Philadelphia.

Number nine. The Cheesesteaks. Full Outhouse, which, by the way, is just screaming for an Olsen Twins reunion. That's probably the only way I would watch an Olsen twins reunion. Number eight, the diarrheal world. Those crappy sprays go on and on. Absolutely. And at the other end of the regularity spectrum, we've got number seven, classic constipation.

Number six, of course, would be defecate an alley. If anybody remembers that. Yes, yes, exactly. At number five, Stoolhouse Rock. Mung and the Restless. That's a good one, too. Number four,

Shirts and Recreations. For me, though, that would just be two of the same thing, but for some people, that would be... It's fun. You bring the crossword.

Yeah, exactly. At number three, Dookiehauser BMD. There you go. Number two, Turd Rock from the Sun. I'm sorry, from the Moon. And at number one, the Cleveland Steamer Show. And remember, boys and girls, just shitting on their chest doesn't make it a Cleveland Steamer.

You also have to smear it around with your ass. That's the steamroller part. Doesn't matter if the turd's steaming. That's not what that's about. It's better if the turd's steaming, I guess. Get your facts straight, kids. Exactly. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and

Facebook messages about Dirty Sanchez stuff. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com Before we turn off the lights behind us tonight, I wanted to remind everybody that it isn't too late to support the charity ride Don the Statesboro Atheist is doing for his local food bank. We've had a number of listeners kick in to help him reach his goal of six grand.

He is almost there. You can still help push him over the edge by following the link at the top of the show notes for this episode. It looks like this fundraiser is going to be a huge success, so you now have the choice to either be part of a huge success or just watch as other people participate in the huge success around you. Not trying to be a dick. I'm just saying. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you just can't wait that long, be sure to check out our sister podcast, The Skeptocrat, with a new episode out Monday morning at 8 a.m. Eastern time. You can

also find little droppings of scatheism on our Facebook page and Twitter feed if you happen to frequent one of those social media platforms. Obviously, it just ain't a show until I thank Heath Enright for keeping this operation working like a well-lubricated machine and also other well-lubricated machine-related things that I'm not going to get specific about. I also need to thank the lovely, witty, and delightfully foul-mouthed Lucinda Lusions for a number of the mouth-related things that she does, many of which once more I will not get specific about. And, of course, I need to thank Joe Kindick from the Unbuckling the Bible Belt podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

Warms my heart to see so many active atheist voices down here where we need it the most. If you'd like to hear a couple more of those voices, of course, you'll find a link to his podcast on the show notes for this episode as well. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most euphonious eukaryotes, Patrick, Ron, Thomas, Daniel, Deveston, Ravenous Baboon, Nicholas, William, and Norman. Patrick, Ron, and Thomas, whose erections are called upon when the fireman's ladders aren't long enough, Daniel, Deveston, and Ravenous Baboon, who the thunder calls down when it gets pissed, and Nicholas, William, and Norman, who are so well endowed that they give Sigmund Freud penis envy. And by the way, apologies to Thomas, who gave me the unbelievably complimentable surname of Alcock

and permission to make a joke about it in this segment. Sorry to pass upon such a great opportunity, but I'm not creative enough to come up with enough over-the-top compliments for everybody to get a different one, and I would feel bad for Patrick, Ron, Daniel, Deveston, Ravenous, Bamboo, Nicholas, William, and Norman if they had to share all theirs and then you got your own, so sorry. But, honestly, anytime anybody calls you by your full name, Thomas Alcock,

you're getting a dick worshiping compliment, so I'm sure you're going to be okay. Anyway, together these nine delightfully enlightened, lighthearted, top-flight socialites have politely lightened our financial plight this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, and not everybody with the money to give us money gives us money, but maybe you do and will. And if that's the case and you followed that sentence, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, or you can make a

one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you were cursed by a child as a witch in such a way that it'll turn you to stone if you ever donate money to an atheist, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or the side of the stall at the gas station bathroom. You know, anywhere you can get away with it, really.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. I feel like a fucking four-year-old putting on winter clothes. All right. Right. Now I have to pee. All right.

Here we go.