The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 122: C Me Dance Edition

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

In this week's episode, gay people will continue to exist, just to piss Christians off; we learn that you can turn yourself gay by staring at your penis too long, but it doesn't work for everybody; and Eli Bosnick will join us to review yet another film in the "magical cancerous ballerina versus the devil" genre.

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language and Shakespearean insults. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Bible-friendly line of racist, homophobic art supplies for kids, Prayola Crayons. We removed all those gay rainbow colors and replaced them all with pasty off-white, like God intended. Prayola Crayons, because it was bad enough when you made us accept black. And it's not true about the longer wavelength. And now, the Skating Atheist.

It's Thursday. It's June 18th. And Jesus would clearly vote for Bernie Sanders. Obviously. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from sweats like Patrick Ewing, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, gay people will continue existing just to piss the Christians off. We learn that you can turn gay by staring at your penis for too long, but it doesn't work for everybody. And Eli Bosnick will be here to review another film in the magical cancerous ballerina versus the devil genre.

But first, the diatribe. Isn't it strange how God's miraculous abilities are so intertwined with our capacity to measure those miracles? I'm taking a renewed interest in British history, because let's face it, if you're an atheist activist, a few things are going to keep you motivated more than the history of the post-Roman occupation of British Isles. And as I look into it, I can't help but notice how common it used to be for saints to heal blind people. Happened all the time, apparently. Any saint that was worth their salt had renewed at least one person's sight.

A lot of deafness, too, and lameness healing back then. It makes you wonder if healing powers are like doing backflips on a trampoline. You know, when God was a little younger, sure, but now, what are you fucking kidding me? Now, that's not to say that God isn't performing miracles at all anymore. You know, once in a while he'll juggle the sun for some Portuguese people or something, but mostly he just cures diseases that go into spontaneous remission without him sometimes. Now think about what a wonderful weapon the cognitive dissonance here is. Back in late antiquity, they had diseases like that too, the ones that God cures these days.

You know, diseases that you could sometimes get better from, but nobody tells stories about saints miraculously curing that shit. They stick to that other class of maladies like blindness and deafness and leprosy. So when did God stop curing incurable stuff? Well, that depends on where in the world you were. Essentially, he stopped doing that whenever your area got modern medical records. The last miraculous blindness curing in every region happened right before that region started accurately tracking who was and wasn't blind. And from that point on, God started specializing exclusively in diseases that you can get better from,

and accidents that aren't necessarily life-threatening, and parking spaces. And even a cursory look at the history of the fucking religion betrays this. It's not like God has always been this lame. He's exactly as awesome and as powerful as he can be without passing any tests. And he always has been throughout all of history. As the test gets better, God gets lamer. All the river parting prophets dry up as soon as we have multiple attestations of history. All the unambiguous signs of divinity disappear as soon as we develop photography. And all the blind people stay blind when we start keeping records. Now, this is not a subtle problem here. This is as glaring a problem as a worldview can possibly

have. If your definitions are in need of wholesale adjustment every time we learn new stuff, your worldview is clearly bullshit. And religious people don't need me to tell them that. In fact, they need somebody else to tell them the exact opposite once a week on Sunday and possibly again on Wednesday. They need a grown human being standing up in front of them saying this shit is true out loud or it would be impossible to keep pretending that they believed it. You know, when a Christian looks at these medieval accounts of saints curing the blind and stuff, you know, accounts with at least as much attention to historical detail as the biblical accounts, what do they think of them? How do they reconcile this? Do they assume that these stories are fabrications or exaggerations? And if they think that, how do you avoid thinking the same thing about all the Jesus stuff? Or do they think,

shucks, I wonder why God stopped curing blind people through saints? Do they write it off as the deific equivalent of cargo shorts that just went out of style one day? Or maybe they think that God still does cure blind people through saints, and the ivory tower scientific elite hide those stories in some grand satanic conspiracy they have. So, you know what? Okay, let's give some Christians some credit here. Let's set aside all the insultingly stupid answers that you could have for this question and the truth, and let's ask ourselves, how could you possibly reconcile it? You've got a world that completely rests on the authenticity of unreliable historical fables, and when you look at those fables, you see the power of God forever shrinking to come in under the bar of the most impressive thing I can do that nobody can invalidate. Now, my guess is that they'll retreat to the free will argument here, but even that takes a healthy dose of compartmentalization.

The argument here would be, well, God wants you to have the choice to believe in him or deny him, so he can't do unambiguous miracles live on CNN, obviously. And they say stuff like this so often that the bizarre lunacy behind it doesn't even occur to them. So God wants to be mysterious more than he wants to cure blind people? All right, I don't know why you'd want to worship that fuck, but then why the hell would he have ever done miracles at all? You know, why does he care so much more about your free will than Ezekiel's or Jeremiah's or Elijah's or all the people alive in Mosaic-era Egypt? Revealing himself to some people and not others is kind of a dick move when heaven and hell lie in the balance, isn't it?

And why is he so concerned that we have the free will to believe in or reject him, but he doesn't feel that way about all the other things? He doesn't give us that option with, like, gravity or heat or elephants or gut bacteria or genital warts or anything him, but he doesn't feel that way about all the other things. He doesn't give us that option with, like, gravity, or heat, or elephants, or gut bacteria, or general warts, or anything else, but for some reason, the most important thing we could possibly know has to be a fucking enigma. You know, we think a lot about the conflict between religion and science these days, and, you know, how could we not? Science is very important.

It's the thing that cures our diseases and brings us our email and stuff. But it's important not to lose track of the fact that religion isn't just opposed to science. They're opposed to knowledge. Given a chance, they're going to go after science, history, philosophy, literature, basically anything where the truth might be hiding. And if you don't believe me, look at all the times and places in history where religion ever had the power to do that, and then find the one where they didn't. Look, you can't be an ally

of truth without being an enemy of religion. The religious people won't let you, but more importantly, the truth won't let you either. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who

will be on vacation by the time this episode airs, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to vacate? Yeah, yeah. If you mean fly to New York specifically to eat pizza and bagels, yes, I absolutely am. Producing the entire trip mapped out by restaurant. I'm not surprised. Journey. In our lead story tonight, apparently there are still humans in Michigan.

And while the rest of us assume that the state had cleared out years ago, apparently the leftovers have been doing some really dumb shit. For example, according to a new trio of laws signed by Michigan Governor Rick Snyder last week, it's perfectly okay for Michigan adoption agencies to discriminate against gay couples, but only if, and this is the important part, only if they're gay in such a way as to anger the mighty Jesus. So, if you're in a stable, committed relationship with a same-sex partner, that type of household is no place for a child. Clearly. If you're constantly throwing gay orgy dinner parties and blowing 12 dudes under the table like Jesus, then that's fine. As long as you're wandering around with a hooker.

Exactly. Now, on the off chance that holding children in orphanages rather than giving them to ready and willing, loving couples that want them isn't already boiling your blood, let me crank up the heat a bit. The state of Michigan has given about $10 million of public money to faith-based adoption agencies every year. So if you're a Michigan taxpayer, you're funding constitutionally forbidden religious bigotry. Congrats on that. And in rear end times news tonight, a guy who thinks he's right because Harold Camping was wrong, Rick Wiles, had an important warning for everyone during his radio

show last week. Considering the end is pretty clearly nigh on account of all the gay people, he finds it irresponsible for people to rely on the false doctrine of a pre-tribulation rapture, in which God allegedly takes all the good people to heaven before all the terrible stuff happens at the end,

which we all know already didn't happen in 2011. That's ridiculous. Of course. And that means everybody needs to really get ready for the distinct possibility that the Russian army will be invading the United States as punishment for our sodomite ways, thus ushering in the early stages of the apocalypse.

Oh, of course. Obviously. It all makes sense now. How else could you possibly explain all the Christians that ever predicted the apocalypse being wrong? And Russia existing. It seems a little too coincidental to not be a sign of an imminent adjusted semi-rapture. Clearly.

Well, according to Wiles, there's actually a new factor at play. The Russian invasion, it's not just about the millions of homosexuals. It also has a lot to do with a radio station in Alaska called KATB that dropped his show after three days on account of him being a lunatic, I would imagine.

Oh. Here's what Wiles had to say on that. Quote, All I can say to the KATB board of directors is you guys will be the first people to see the Russian soldiers moving across the Bering Strait to invade the continental USA and bring judgment to this country for becoming a land of sodomites. But don't worry, you're going to be raptured before World War III begins, right? End quote. Don't even worry about it. You guys think of that crazy rapture.

So just a quick recap. Rick Wiles thinks lots of his own Christian people are crazy because they believe in some sort of ridiculous magical rapture that's supposed to happen before magical apocalypse that we can all agree is just about to happen because of the gay people. Right, yes. And he also apparently, by the way, thinks that the Russians are going to invade America through Alaska.

They're going to muster in Siberia. And then they're going to send a fucking fleet across the frigid sea, then march an invasion army over land for 2,000 plus miles of Canadian tundra so that they can strategically take vital North Washington state regions. And in ignorance for dummies news tonight. In response to all the laws that Christians can't automatically break anymore, the Southern Baptist Convention has put together a legalized discrimination strategy guide, providing common sense legal bigotry advice for their member

churches. They really did this. The manual is called Protecting Your Ministry from Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity Sick Lawsuits, or PIMFSAGCICLE. There you go. You know, we have this very simple two-step system for that here at The Scathing Atheist. Step one, don't discriminate against people based on sexual orientation or gender identity. Step two, beat off to porn or something because you're dumb.

That's all you have to fucking do. But I'm going to assume that neither of those two steps is on the table for the Southern Baptist Convention. You'll assume correctly. I usually do. As you might guess with an instruction manual on hating gays and keeping your tax exemption, just about every suggestion is extremely offensive. But one strategy in particular was especially depressing. It's based on the long-established legal precedent in which courts were long ago forced to concede that Christian churches can't really even exist without illegal hiring practices for the minister. And unfortunately unfortunately they had

to let them exist. Which means that if every single person you hire is allegedly also a minister, in addition to their real job, then all the laws on employment discrimination completely go away. So not all these churches are going to have a ministry of custodial services, and a ministry of holy landscaping, and a ministry of answering phone calls for minimum wage plus jesus and also no minorities if they don't like minority and just to make sure it sticks they advise that you give like some type of ministerial duties to the lawn guy and the receptionist so you know so you can say like yeah well mostly she answers the phone but you know she also sacredly apologizes to Sacred Third Pew on the left there in accordance with our sacred beliefs and, you know, sacramentally and stuff or whatever.

So it sounds pretty awful, but there's actually some good news here. First of all, these people are idiots and never considered that publicly releasing a corporate handbook on how to break the law without getting in trouble might get mentioned by prosecutors in the employment discrimination cases they were trying to avoid in the first place. You think? And the other piece of good news is that more and more judges in this country are finally realizing that, you know, if big pieces of Christianity are illegal, maybe it's not the laws that should be changing. Yeah, there you go.

And in the dingo-duggers news tonight, nobody gives two shits in a cum stain if Australian couple Nick and Sarah Jensen stay married or not like absolutely no one despite sincere efforts to the contrary earth continued not giving a nipple hair about their nuptials after they announced last week that they would be divorcing in protest if australia should legalize gay marriage whoa whoa whoa sorry to tell you nick and sarah but I'm pretty sure divorce is a secular word. That's our word. I don't think the law requires us to share it with you. It's a long established tradition that divorce is between one godless man and one godless woman.

I think that's what it says on that bumper sticker. I don't recognize it here in Georgia. The couple, described by friends as assholes, made the announcement in an op-ed for their local paper. So Nick didn't want to take the chance that their meaningless announcement might fail to instantly kowtow all of gaydom out of their silly push for equality, so he explained that this was not motivated by hate, so much as hate

hiding behind ignorance and or wanton stupidity. Good clarification. Quote, some will accuse us of being bigoted, which is correct, he nailed that one. Continuing, but this couldn't be further from our intentions. The truth is marriage is too important. It's a sacred institution ordained by God, end quote. It's not that we're homophobic.

It's that we're not willing to let filthy gay people taint our word. Right. And that's a very logical, justified fear of ours. Exactly. people taint our word. Right. And that's a very logical, justified fear of ours. Exactly.

He then went on to prove that he's not too familiar with that Bible thing or that history thing by suggesting that marriage, quote, has always been understood to be that exclusive relationship where one man and one woman become one flesh, end quote. No, that's just heterosexual fucking, bro, not marriage. So apparently skimming most of the way through your holy book looking for dick jokes makes me more of a Bible expert than you. Congratulations. I guess it's time for you to speak on behalf of your faith, sir. No, no, seriously.

Atheism is lucky for Christianity to have you. And while Nick Jensen tries to work out whether that was an insult or not, we're going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. It was, Nick. Oh, just going to spoil the surprise there, I guess. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape, then it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This week

in Misogyny. You know, a lot of people accuse Ann Coulter of being a disingenuous provocateur. They say that she makes her living as a calculated caricature of an anti-progressive and that it's all an act designed to generate press by saying whatever she has to say to sound more horrible and heartless than before. But I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I think she really is a loathsome racist bitch and also a self-loathing misogynist. That was all on full display last week during the latest stop on her Fuck the Mexicans promotional tour for her new anti-immigration screed of a book, Adios America. On a radio interview with Gavin McInnes, she expounded on her liberals are funneling in immigrants to drown out the white vote thesis that underscores the book, and then revealed what was truly at fault, vaginas. Yep, apparently the real problem at the heart of America's woes is women's suffrage. Now, don't get me wrong, I imagine Ann Coulter's vag looks

a lot like that thing the Hulk punched to death at the end of The Avengers, and if that was my primary experience with ladybits, I'd probably be a little distrustful too. And if your goal was to convince people women shouldn't be allowed to vote, you couldn't ask for a better strategy than being Ann Coulter. All that being said,

I offer my considered response. Fuck you, Nazi olive oil. And, speaking of people that can go fuck themselves, radical right-wing rabbi Daniel Lappin appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show last week to offer the world the gynecological insights of two fat old men who couldn't moisten a vagina

with a super soaker. Specifically, they were talking about why women get so darned weepy when they get that visit from Aunt Flo. The good rabbi explained, quote, foolish and insensitive people say, oh, it's just a hormonal imbalance, but it isn't. It's a genuine, authentic sadness which suffuses any sensitive woman at the loss of an egg, end quote. That's right, ladies.

His theory is that the reason some women are emotionally compromised during menstruation is that they're burdened with the guilt of the baby their uterus just murdered. And notice he qualified that with any sensitive woman. So, you know, if you don't cry for your dead half-pre-babies, it's probably because you're a cold-hearted bitch. I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like a theory the good old rabbi came up with when he was trying to figure out why he cries when he jerks off. Prick.

Now, unfortunately, that's all I've got for you this week. And it's not that I didn't have plenty of other sexist news items to choose from. The truth of the matter is, I saw the first five minutes of the movie Noah Heath and Eli are going to be reviewing this week, and I'm guessing they'll need every second they can get to explain just how fucking nuts it was. So, without further ado, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in its magistrate, not magic, queer news tonight, North Carolina will be damned if people are going to do preemptive anti-constitutional legislative xenophobia without them getting in on the action. So both of their chambers voted to override the governor's veto and force through a law that allows magistrates to refuse to officiate gay weddings if they object on

the basis of sincerely held bigotry or whatever. I think they can drop the word sincere at this point. Has anyone ever refused based on insincerely held? Yeah, right. Has that happened yet? Any Christians getting forced to perform a gay wedding because, oh, he found out he was a Dawkins III. You have to do it now.

You're a Dawkins III? That's weak. Weak theist, I think. I kind of don't think you should get married. That's not very sincere. So this religious freedom bill is designated as SB2, which, for those who weren't paying attention in civics, means that the North Carolina Senate thinks that the second most important item on the state's agenda is whether Christian magistrates have to touch gay people when they're not wearing their hazmat suits. And apparently, it comes in response to a suit that was filed by a couple of magistrates that resigned in protest when it became clear that they were going to have to treat all the humans as humans.

So these intolerant shit-chips voluntarily quit rather than not be assholes and then sued the state for being a bunch of queer lovers. Right. So a bunch of them quit, but definitely not all of them, which means plenty of Christian assholes that can't afford to quit are going to be all over YouTube soon, like crying and dry heaving their way through gay marriage vows that they're forced to read. I can't wait to see some of that. Gay couples in the background dying laughing at you. You and I, I would marry you just to see that shit. And in charaders of the lost Ark news tonight, an Israeli court decided in favor of filmmaker Simcha Jacobovici earlier this week

in his defamation suit against historian Joe Zaius, who harshly criticized a 2007 documentary by The Plaintiff entitled Lost Tomb of Jesus. Citing the legal principle of, yes, the other guy's clearly right, but he was a real dick about it, Judge Jacob Scheinman rewarded the filmmaker about $200,000 in damages. Oh, wow. I must say, if being clearly right but a real dick about it is legally actionable, I might have to rethink my entire existence. Dangerous proposition. Yeah. So, the film in question made some controversial claims regarding a connection between real life archaeology and a mythical character called Jesus Christ.

Never heard of him. In response to the documentary, Mr. Zayas identified several inaccuracies in the film's history narrative and probably also pointed out that finding the name Jesus inscribed on a coffin just means that a person had that name once. But it looks like Zayas crossed the legal line when he went out of his way to sabotage

the filmmaker's career, seeking out the guy's publishers to make fraud allegations, including claims that some of the testimony in the film was coerced. Well, but, and honestly, like, we're talking about a fucking Discovery Channel documentary here. I mean,

this is the, did ancient Martians build iPads for the Nazis channel? For fuck's sake, as seen on the Discovery Channel as a synonym for fraudulent scholarship so why would you devote more than a youtube comments worth of your time to how full of shit it is why make that a personal mission right so moral of the story when there's an argument over what part of ireland leprechauns come from everybody's wrong everybody involved on either

side whatever side you're all wrong. And finally tonight, from the B-List B-Fish file, Brian Fisher's blithering canker blossom understudy Craig James got to the bottom of the issue with the bottom of the bottoms last Friday while discussing one of my favorite current uses of the judicial system and my single favorite current use of New Jersey,

namely a recent case where a self-styled gay conversion therapy center was charged with consumer fraud on the grounds that the thing that they're selling doesn't exist. Well, there is such thing as increased suicide rate causer. Well, yes. But that's not what they're claiming to sell. That's not on the merchandise or the ads. Exactly.

That's just what you get. It's a bonus. After a few minutes of the rant that repeatedly proved that everything Christian leaders say publicly would mean exactly the same thing if you substituted the terms religious liberty and Christian beliefs with the term ability to discriminate against the butt fuckers, which, by the way, I call Noah's Law. James got to the 30 seconds worthy portion of the program when he explained that, quote, the whole homosexual movement is really like a religion and the religion is sex and they worship their own genitals. End quote. So according to our contract, that means we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Names for the new genital-worshipping religion. Go. All right, how about we start off with Wanglicanism. The Church of N-Gland.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe the Faptists pulled out from the Holiness Movement back in the 1850s. The Church of N-Gland. Yeah, exactly. Maybe the Faptists? Pulled out from the Holiness Movement back in the 1800s, I believe. They've been on their own ever since. P-Unitarian Universalist? Yeah, there you go. It's a little more sexual than the last ones. I like it. I think that Prostatantism broke off of

schlongregationalism after the great jism, if I'm not mistaken. So that's two different ones there. What about the cult of bales and shafts? They say that bales and shafts is one big mother. Open your mouth! Alright, how about the Church of Penis

Christ of Bladder-Sprayed Taints? It's a specialized faith. Well done. Only have them in Utah. About the Jena Taliban, Caliphate of the Gland Muftis. Oh, nice, nice. All right, all right, let's get some Islam in here. How about the Vaginalowites?

They didn't really put the she back in Shia. Boy, would they kill me for that. Boy, would they murder me for that one. That's fatwa-worthy. Come on, guys. If that's not fatwa-worthy, what the fuck is? Vaginalowites? What about Chode to Perdition Cult?

Blessed are the cheeks, for they shall inherit the girth. Ooh, I like that. Now, I know the Skindus say that they have a lot of gods, but I think they're probably exaggerating at least a little. I mean, come on, hundreds, guys. Nineties, maybe. What about the Ludus Nudus Buddhist? Zen master bait and tackle.

Oh, nice. And spackle. Monk out and spunk out with your junk out. Oh, there we go. Well, I suppose if we close out on spunk out with your junk out, the headlines have a happy ending after all. So we're just going to wrap it up there. Heath, thanks as always.

Jumanji! And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to review an after-school special made by a person who shouldn't be allowed to use a fork without supervision. I have to admit that after International Gorillas, we all felt the pressure was on for our next movie reveal.

I mean, honestly, could we ever find another movie that wouldn't seem like a masterpiece when compared to that? Well, at 10.36 p.m. local time on Monday, June 15th, I learned an important lesson. In the world of religious cinema, there is no solid floor. There is always a worse movie. As evidence of that fact, I submit See Me Dance. That's letter C, by the way, not the word, which is as clever as the movie ever gets. And of course, suffering alongside us through it all was our good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back to the show.

Oh, thanks for having me, guys. Now, before we jump into the abject lunacy of this film, let me open things up with a question I think that best sums up the overall experience of See Me Dance. And that question, of course, is what the fuck did we just watch? Right. If there were a TV in hell that only played cut footage from Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes, that's that. And you just kept going through the channels. That is see-me dance. See-me dance is the stuff that Joss Whedon was like, oh my God, well, we can't have this on the show.

And then someone found those clips in a dumpster and they were like, great, let's make a movie. Okay, so set it up for us, Eli. Tell us the story here of see-me dance. So basically, I wrote 30 seconds, and we've seen the same shot three times. Right. I can already tell I've had dinner with bigger budgets than this movie. So the first solid two minutes of this movie is just a woman looking in her rearview mirror

and occasionally directly to camera being like, why don't you leave me alone? Which, by the way, if you think we're going to find out what the fuck happened, you are wrong. You are mistaken. If you told me that, like, oh no, that when they were making

the DVD, they had taped over the beginning of the movie with, like, the beginning of a lifetime film and then they just sort of stuck with it because they didn't want to have to reshoot i'd be like yeah sure no i get it yeah it makes perfect sense yeah that's it yeah i get it makes sense to me so she's dead and then there's a bunch of footage of like fake family footage of a little girl growing up and then a good 18 minutes of little girls in ballet class. And let me tell you,

if I wanted to watch 18 minutes of little girls in ballet class, I'd ask the government for my computer back. I found that very, very erotic. Well, I gotta say, there was a lot of that in this movie. Like, most Christian movies don't have any 13-year-old girl cleavage. This movie did not go seven fucking minutes without a half-dressed prepubescent girl on screen somewhere. That cannot be a fucking coincidence. Yeah, no.

This was like the cinematographer and this guy met up for the first time and it was like, so tell me, what are you going for with this movie? Well, I like to jerk off to Gilmore Girls. All right. I've got to stop feeling you've hit gold. I know exactly how to shut this film. Because the hot old mom? No.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. So she's dancing and the first thing we see is she dances. She does two plies and then she's exhausted like she jogged 58 miles. This is our tradition. She's like, plie, plie, and then she falls down on the ground, to which I wrote, you're not supposed to fall down on the ground when you practice.

That's not how- At no point, no. So we're just supposed to think she practiced so hard that she was like, get in my legs. to think she practiced so hard that she was like, get in my legs! Sometimes when you do two plies, your legs just give out just a pool of widening shit underneath her. Oh my God, honey, what happened?

I did three plies. Well, God, you're lucky to be alive. But speaking of being lucky to be alive, as it turns out, she is, because this movie just wouldn't be after school special enough if somebody wasn't dying. So, apparently, Sherry collapses. Dad takes her to the hospital. Takes her to the doctor where she gets her test done. She immediately comes home from the tests tests and we meet her friends who

you could put a gun to my head i could not tell you anything about these girls they have the power of invisibility i couldn't tell you anything about them the only thing i can tell you about them is that the dad does way too much touching of them to be appropriate every time he is in a scene with them he's like hey girls how's it going tickle tickle it's just never a moment where he has appropriate daughter friends of my daughter touching with these girls and then she she faints and she and so they go to the doctor again to get her test results this is one of those things where we're like, oh, I feel like they should have put this in the first scene, but they bring it back.

And the doctor tells her she has advanced stage leukemia. Yes. Which apparently no one noticed. No. Having advanced stage leukemia without anyone noticed is like, so we've discovered your arms fell off. What? Yes, apparently your arms have fallen off.

Oh my god, I didn't know! I knew I was having trouble picking things up. It's the idea that she would have advanced stages of leukemia and this is the first time she would go to the doctor is fucking insane. She would be like, so have you been pooping blood?

Oh, for at least nothing but just hot red blood spilling out of me every orifice i cannot stop shitting blood the question is when am i not shitting blood am i right oh that's not normal yeah i have cancer i have blood cancer i'm real she has advanced stage leukemia and that no one knows She seems mildly inconvenienced by that, too. Oh, yeah. The evilest delivery from the doctors. So your daughter has leukemia, and the dad's like, okay, wow, yeah, that's pretty bad news. But don't worry, honey.

I'm going to tell the doctor to treat it. Doctor, please treat it. And the doctor's like, wow, wow, this is really awkward. He didn't let me finish i was gonna say your daughter has leukemia and it's way beyond the point of treatment and she's definitely gonna die i really gotta learn to plow right through that sentence from now you have leukemia and that kills you you're gonna die from leukemia maybe last like that maybe i do leukemia last and her response i'd call her response and her dad, I'd call it lukewarm. They were not very happy.

And his reaction of like, well, you know, you got to make her better, Doc, is like someone who's never heard of cancer. Right. Let alone leukemia. Just like, so what? She got to take a pill once a day? Don't stop taking them even though she feels better? You going to get her a Z-Pak or you going to get back? Are you going to... Vatmans?

Should she do that emergency? And that's also she grabs her cross around her neck at that point. Just remind everybody, this is a Jesus movie. We're getting to the Jesus. Grandma, don't turn it off. Don't turn it off. See, Kristen. See the cross?

Okay, good. I'll give you five more minutes. I'll put my giant remote back down. Put my feet back into this automatic foot bath I got. Giant numbers that are shaped like the numbers, yeah. Exactly. Oh, my God. I love, by the way, this is a weird random thing,

but the dad at one point comes in, the friends are all having a sleepover or whatever. The dad comes in and he starts having these flashbacks of when she was a baby, and the baby in the flashbacks is a little chinese kid i mean it's not even the same fucking race as the girl playing the fucking they just went and grabbed a baby off of a swing they're like go get me that baby i need a baby for this next shot if you told me that all of the like previous all of the like past footage is something he like he ran behind the counter at a Kinko's and just scooped up a bunch of stuff and ran out again. And they were like, who the fuck was that guy?

And then he just turned it into a movie. I would be 0% surprised. If I saw my baby pictures just passed me, I'd be like, yeah, sure. He just strolled behind the counter at a CVS and he was like, yeah, I'm a regional manager. I'm going to need to confiscate these for Jesus. He runs out the door. And then she says, again, talking about the acting earlier, she says one of my favorite lines in the movie, stop loving me. Stop loving me.

I wrote that one down too. Stop loving me and what i wanted more than if i ever get crazy billionaire money i'm gonna make a shot for shot remake of this movie we're up until that line and then he just goes okay and then he jumps in the air and it's the breakfast theme and just a montage of him fucking hookers and doing while she dies in a basement trying to feed herself soup be a great film it would be better than this yeah so then we deal with like like one of the subplots of this movie is like she's being kind of a bitch about dying guys one of the major like character moments is where he has to sit her down he's like honey i know you've got a blood cancer that's

gonna kill you but you're being a downer about it so so she goes to dance auditions auditions yeah and so she makes the dance team right this is the thing that this whole fuck and we spent 30 minutes of of our lives which will eventually end in entropy and darkness to find out that this fucking girl makes the dance team and she's like cool i mean she does not could not care less and neither do fucking i. Right. And she's just like, oh, I made the dance team. And then she just leaves and we're like, well, I don't know what to care about anymore, movie.

I don't care about that. I wanted her to just go home and eat chips for the rest, just 40 minutes of her eating chips, just like, I don't fucking care. So she goes home. She has another heart-to-heart with her dad where she asks, why do I have to die? Which is a very valid question.

And her dad replies with. He says, I've been asking myself that too, right? Yep. And that's it. That's tricky. Are you evil maybe? Do you sin ever? You might deserve it.

I don't know. Maybe you deserve it. We should look into this. And they just sit there for a second. It's literally like a pause. They're just like, I've been thinking about that too. Huh. That's a scratcher.

That's a scratcher. What do you think about deflate gate, huh? Moving on. So then she has a friend-ervention where her friends come over and they're like, what's going on with you? You're being really pitchy since you started to die. And her friends say one of the weirdest things in the world where they say, just let us love you. And I'm expecting some boom-chicka-wow-wow and the acting to pay off at that point, but no. Oh, that's, you know what?

That's a really good way to describe the acting of this movie. The acting of this movie is like an 80s porn if you cut out all the fucking. Yes, exactly, exactly. Just like, well, I wonder who could help me fix these pipes. Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Not your dick. Oh, Jesus. Damn. Not your dick.

That's disappointing. So then she's psychic? Telepathic? Yeah, the psychic dad-daughter connection thing was a completely unnecessary little diversion for this movie that made it even more insane. little diversion for this movie that made it even more insane. Well, because it was like, I guarantee you they made the movie and they were like, oh, he goes, those two times when he comes and rescues her, she doesn't

call him or anything. How does he know? It was just like, well, you know, we're still doing voiceover. Why doesn't she just have like super telepathy or something? Jesus. It's going to be connected like UT and Elliot. So then we see her at her dance concert.

Again. And there's Fat Stage Manager who is my favorite character in the movie. They're all getting ready and he comes up. They're like, so I'm really nervous.

I don't know if... She's just like, you guys are on. He's just out of... It's the greatest moment. You gotta watch it because it's so clearly I don't know if she's just like, you guys are on. It's the greatest. You got to watch it. It's clearly someone's niece.

Cause she just, she just like tromps into frame back to camera. And it's just like time for you. Dance. Go dance. Just poops away. We never off into the sunset. I want to see her movie so much more than I want to see this one. She just comes home. How was the show, honey?

Good. I made dance dance. Go into my room. Punch myself in the vagina until I fall asleep. Every one of these Christian movies you should get an Eli spinoff, I do believe. Because I'm still dying to see the fucking Neighbors from the Kirk Cameron movie. Yeah, Neighbors and then Midget and a Muslim.

Oh, yeah. Fuck, how did I forget about Midget and a Muslim? It's going to be an HBO miniseries. So then she dances, and while she's dancing, the devil appears. And if you were thinking, oh, that's a fun Buffy reference he made, you should know that the devil is wearing exactly the vampire makeup from Buffy and the Vampire Slayer. Lucifer, by the way, Satan, is played by a Latino guy who's maybe 12 pounds overweight.

So there's just everything about his actions in the movie. He's like, I'm going to get you. Sorry, I just jogged up the, you know, I had chimichangas for lunch and I shouldn't have. You got to eat and then give yourself a minute. Oh, I'm not nauseous. I'm just full. It's like all of his lines and all of his delivery in this film. Well, and why Eli is the devil after this ballerina?

Because we are about to discover when her magic, she has the worst superpower in the world. Right. When people touch her, they see the crucifixion and are saved yep and the way we learn this is she's at school she goes to her friend and she's like hey can we talk and her friend's like yeah we can talk and these teenagers come over and they're like hey what's going on yeah how you doing the wrong side of the tracks crowd there. Wrong side of the tracks crowd, which they can only convey. They have no way how to convey the wrong side of the tracks crowd without

making the minorities. And they're afraid to do that. Which by the way, this is the joke we've had where they weren't just like the black people are the bad ones. Good job. No, this time it was the Latino ones.

Right. Exactly. And they were just, they like went around them and were like – Again, like – Marijuana. Just no idea. And for no reason too.

We've never seen these characters. Just totally crazy people. And so she's like, come on, let's get out of here. And then the young man, for no reason, we don't learn about this. There's nothing that indicates this, starts to chase her to rape her? To gang rape her on the front lawn of some suburban household. You know, like you do. But he's not. Here's the thing.

He catches her, right? So this is when she psychically calls out to her dad for the second time. She's like, Dad, come help! Like Aquaman summing fish. A fat Native American guy. So she gets tackled on the lawn, but he's

definitely not raping her. Everyone's fully dressed. so she gets tackled on the lawn, but he's definitely not raping her. Everyone's fully dressed. Everyone's fully dressed, and he's not thrusting or trying to get her clothes off. He's just like, I pinned her! I got her! That's right!

Honestly, if it was like the devil made him think that he was wrestling for a state championship, I'd be like, oh, I get it. He's trying to turn her over to using a half Nelson. Good for him. Use the basics. It's good. Core technique. And so

he comes up, and the dad comes out, drives out of his car. Who knows how he knows where she is. Again, she has the world's weirdest set of powers. And pushes him off her, and then he comes back and she grabs him but it wasn't when he was on top of her this didn't take effect just when she grabs his arm and then we see the same shot of someone hammering a nail into a hand which get used to it because

we're gonna see that a thousand times and then he he's like he just comes and is saved simultaneously. Well, and I love that when the dad runs up, it's like now all of a sudden, out of nowhere, by the way, it starts off just this one guy. But now all of a sudden he's got a couple of buddies with him. And the buddies are grabbing him. And I can just see the dad, who's also the director, he's telling the producer, no, maybe you should have some friends that stop me and beat me up so that I can't say everything. No, I think we don't need to spend the money on the extras because everyone's going to buy that your fat ass just got his ass kicked by a guy who was still raping your daughter when he did it. Right, exactly. Look at me. Look at me.

Is anyone going to believe that a couple of 19, 20-year-old men could take me? Come on. Look at this power fact. Look at this. Look at this right here. Come on, look at this power fact. Look at this. Look at this right here. Come on, try and take me down. I got to ask you to stop trying to wrestle us in these meetings, Dave. I know we already talked about it at the first one, and that's why Lucy's not here.

And it's just been a lot of meetings with HR since then. And so then all of these people just fucking show up in her living room right a bunch and they're all you can tell they're all christianized because now they have really nice hair the girl with the dreadlocks now her hair is combed out because you know you can do that with dreadlocks you can comb them out right yeah you just just you know he's a tangle brush and then she says like what happened and father just stands up and goes it doesn't need an explanation to which i reply yes yes no idea what's happening right now in this movie or anywhere but in that same conversation, he says my favorite line from the movie, which is, well, you know, the devil's first deception was convincing people he didn't exist. Which is not only not true, not the devil's first deception.

No, no. That is a line from the usual suspects. Yes. Exactly. Verbal kittens. The greatest thing that's ever happened is that the people who made a Christian movie were just like, No, remember the devil? Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible. That's in the Bible. Yeah, remember when Kevin Spacey in the Bible turns out to be the devil at the end? Spoiler alert for Kevin Spacey turning out to be the devil. That's the crazy the craziest thing about this movie is at no point someone turned to him and was like hey man you know that well the first deception is getting eve to eat the apple you're you're talking about a movie that came out a few years ago that's much much better than this one or Or the Bible. No, it was actually the big black pastor guy that delivered that line.

Because they come to the pastor guy and they're like... Oh, and he's a pastor. That's right. He doesn't know that that's... No. That's what makes it even better. He's a fucking pastor. And he's like, I'm pretty sure that it's in the Bible.

Yeah. Remember the devil turns to the camera and he's like, I'm pretty sure that it's in the Bible. Yeah. Remember the devil turns to the camera and he's like, you thought I was ignoring you. House of devils. You know nothing, Jesus Christ. Remember where they get naked in the cave? Right. And then Raja Ghul tries to blow up the city. That was in the Bible wouldn't it uh i feel like this preacher had christianity described to him on a plane

he's just like so there's jesus yeah i mean you need more to it no i got it there's jesus there's demons there's devil the greatest trick he ever pulled was to convince you that he was the dark knight not the city not not the Jesus that we all deserve, but the Jesus that we need. No, I think that's just the movie they were showing on the plane. Don't worry, I got it. Bye, enjoy Atlanta. And then, of course,

we switch over to the rock band concert thing and, again, for the second time, we've now seen a Christian rock band in a movie and they are exclusively made up of middle-aged men. Fat Weezer. Yeah. That's the band.

You will never find a group. You will never see a Christian rock group that is made up of people that do not have 15-year-old daughters. Right. Like, oh, so the divorce didn't go well, huh? Oh, Jesus, send care't go well, huh? Oh, Jesus. Send Carol to where you are. No one will know I'm balding if I shave my hair.

We can see where it's just skin and where it's not. Come on, people. I can solve that clue. People can see that? I didn't think people could see that clue. People can see that? I didn't think people could see that. No one can see it. Don't worry.

That's why we're on a podcast. Exactly. So now, in case anyone's curious, the reason we're going to this concert is so that she can preach to all the secular people that showed up because of her magic preaching Jesus powers. And that'll bring everyone to christ so then they decide we need to get the message to even more people we need to get it on tv so they have this meeting with the guy who is apparently the head of a network they just got a meeting with the guy the head of a network and his first line is th Thursday night? That's the biggest night of the week. It's must-see TV. Are you nuts? Must-see TV.

To which she uses her... Now she has Jesus mind control. She can't just save people. So she shakes his hand and he's like, I will put you on TV. I'm the one who gets to make this decision. Apparently. This doesn't need to be run by anybody except me

so she just so I wrote down Jesus mind control rob a bank, rape people with Jesus mind control and then they do a montage where she gets all the TV networks that exist to put her on in the world the quote is every major TV network

in the world is on board yeah how'd that go for you yeah we got all of them everything all of the tv really and they all live right here near you in the middle of nowhere all right it was really easy in this city with no buildings yeah one song we're done it turns out they all work at that denny's outside of the window. That's where everyone who runs all the TV is from. I guess so. But of course, the devil has other plans. He's not about to let her go on TV and Christianize

the whole world. So instead, he disguises himself as Nazi Nurse Ratched and offers to give her a ride, but takes a detour along the way, and that's it. as Nazi nurse Ratchet and offers to give her a ride. Yeah. But takes a detour along the way.

And that's it. Yeah. No, he brings her into her house. And when he's got her all alone, they have an argument. Yes. They have an animated discussion. And then he leaves. Right.

She's like, literally, she comes into the house, she turns into the devil, and she's just like, get out of here. You're a loser, she says to the devil. Yes, she actually does. That was a bit close. In this nice mid-century living room that someone's aunt, obviously, was like, well, you can use

my living room if you need another place to shoot your movie. Is it a Christian movie? Oh, yeah. Don't worry. We remind people every 40 minutes. Okay, good. I'd hate to turn it off and turn on a different.

No, I got it. Steve Harvey doesn't like it when people give him his pictures. I know. Can you believe these people can't think of a vegetable that's in your fridge? Competing against see me dance in every moment. I got to tell you, the devil's mildly reprimanding her in the aunt's living room or whatever. Like if she got this shit on tape, you couldn't even get a restraining order against this guy for how like how low key his threatlets are. They just have a very polite conversation where he's like,

I'm the devil, don't do that. And she's like, I'm gonna do it. You're the faggot, David. It's basically, you know what it is? They basically took the conversation that you have with your stepdaughter when your wife's out of town. She's like, you didn't get to tell me not to hang out with my friends. I'm gonna go

convert the whole world if I want to. Get out of here. And the devil's just like, you know what? I'm gonna go convert the whole world if i want to get out of here and the devil's just like you know what i'm gonna go play pool this is fucking bullshit you're just like your mother pieces on down the road and indeed that is the last we see of the devil it is that was his master plan he was gonna get her into a mid-century living room with pendolphins on the walls and he's just just going to be like, don't do that. And she was going to be like, oh, okay, sure. I didn't realize that was bothering you. Well, you know, I didn't

want to ask until I had lured you in dressed as your dance teacher. I felt weird about it. But I'm glad we got to have this talk. Do you want to grab lunch? There's a Kodoba nearby. And they've got a great queso.

I could, but I'm super busy. Oh, no, I get it. I get it. I'm busy, too. I've got to go give super aids to a baby. This is the most polite and boring argument ever. I had a more interesting argument with this movie as it was going on than the devil had with the girl. And then basically, like, after about, I don't know, an hour into this movie, the writer forgot that he's not just supposed to be preaching.

So that's the entire rest of the movie. It's just, you know, like she preaches at the fucking devil there in the fucking living room. And then she goes to the church and she preaches to all of those people. And then she preaches to the makeup lady and that's it that's pretty much all we're gonna get for the last 25 fucking minutes of this movie yeah terrible sermons although i she does have some of my favorite lines which is uh some fear death some fear flying and cancer the usual i'm really afraid of spiders and cancer i'm always like oh you know you feel like they're crawling on you just by looking at them and also when your cells turn against themselves

those are the two things that i fear that and black trench coats yeah blood cancer blood cancer and black trench coats i just it's terrifying to me those those two things right exactly and she oh she gives us problem of evil, right? Why do people starve? And then she says, God doesn't let them starve. We let them starve. We do, exactly. To which, to which from the other room, my fiance just yelled, fuck you.

You're from the kitchen. I'm sitting in there and she goes, we do. And Anna from the other room just goes, fuck you! Just Anna's two cents for a dance. So then we flash forward to Christmas.

Because there's snow on the ground. That's how you know it's Christmas Christmas because there's snow on the ground. That's how you know. You know it's Christmas because there's snow. It's Christmas. It's Christmas morning. And she's like, Dad, can I open a present? Just one? And I'm like, yeah, bro.

It's fucking Christmas. Yeah, you can open all of them now. You can open all of them. It's fucking Christmas. When is the not opening? When do the presents get opened in this crazy universe? So she goes to open her presents and they're like everything worked out everyone's a christian and because this movie's

fucking crazy when they walk in the living room she's dead yes yes like someone snapped her neck in a stealth when she's on the ground it's like like, oh, hitman absolution, great. If a bald guy stepped out from behind the tree and was like, I get it. That's how dead she is. She is like, listen, I've watched a lot of snuff porn, and I know when a woman's pretending to be dead. And then he utters

my absolute favorite closing line in the history of ballerina versus the devil movies. Absolutely. Competitive category. Dance for mama. Not once though. Not once.

Not once. Several times. Dance for mama. Different types of emotion. And then we cut. Several times. Dance for mama. Different types of emotion. And then we cut to her in heaven dancing for mama. Yes. And again, it shows you the lack of imagination from Christians that heaven is dancing for your dead mom. Right. If I get up to heaven and my version of heaven is dancing for my dead mom, I'm going to be like, get me

the fuck out of here. Eli, do the salt and pepper shaker for your mom. Hey, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena, only forever left to go. So I know this is a tall order to fill, but is there anything that we can learn from this movie?

Anything that we can take away from the 90 minutes we're never getting back? The thing that I got from this is that she's the world's worst X-Man. And I want her to eventually be enfolded into the Marvel universe so that she just shows up and she's like, I'm here. When people touch me, I turn them Christian. And also I can make bikers give me a ride. And they're like, yeah, no, we're – you can hang back, bro. We're full. We're full.

Appreciate it, though. Thanks for coming down and everything. Do not validate parking. Shouldn't I be for this – shouldn't I be here in this gifted teenage – no, we're good. Shouldn't I be here in this gifted teenage? No, we're good. We got a guy who can bend metal. So if you can make people believe in an invisible creature,

it's kind of working against us. Here's what I'm going to propose. And listen, it's your, don't let me step on toes or anything, but here's the deal. Next Patreon goal. $500,000. We do a shot-for-shot reenactment of this movie with just me and Heath. Shot-for-shot, every character, every one. Two-man show, just me and Heath.

That ends with me dancing in a pink tutu for a dead mom version of this. If that doesn't earn us $500,000, nothing will. Come on, guys. Chip it, guys. It's worth it. All right. Well, Eli, thank you again for all your help. Oh, thanks for having me, guys. And when we come back, we'll do other stuff.

Before we crawl back into our coffins tonight, I want to let everybody know that our long-awaited Roast of God video from ReasonCon is now available online. I should warn you in advance, it's kind of low-key compared to a lot of shit we do on the show, but we still say fuck a lot, and there's at least one puppy rape joke. Anyway, you can find links for that video on our Facebook page, our Twitter feed, and, of course, on skatingatheist.com. Also wanted to let you know that if you just can't get enough Eli Bosnick, and who can, right? You can catch him on the latest episode of Unbuckling the Bible Belt.

We've had him on the show a dozen times, but we never actually talk about him, so if you want to actually learn a little bit more about the man, the myth, and the legend that is Eli Bosnick, you'll find a link to that podcast on the show notes for this episode as well. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to scoop up all the savory nuggets of scatheism you can find by liking our Facebook page and following at Noah underscore illusions on Twitter. Obviously, I can't call it a show until I thank the sexy hunk of man love that is Heath Enright.

He'll be on a well-earned vacation next week, but fear not, we recorded a couple of bits in advance, so you're still going to be able to get your Heath fix next week. We got you covered. I also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for always kicking names and taking asses. Can't possibly thank Eli enough for all the shit he suffers through for the sake of our entertainment, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try, so Eli, thank you once again, and of course, huge thanks to Samuel Morse for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Benjamin, Dan, Terry,

Sam, Kyle, and Rick. Benjamin and Dad, whose ejaculations have their very own tsunami warning designation, Terry and Sam, whose skills are so renowned ninjas are lobbying to rename it Terry and Sam Jitsu, and Kyle and Rick, whose dicks have been featured in Tijuana sex shows while their balls were still in estates. Together, this mix of six massive dicks and ninja kicks have helped us bring ever more shit jokes to the downtrodden masses this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the audacity, capacity, veracity, sagacity, and the seething hatred for mendacity it takes to give us money, but if you think you've got all the assities it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, which you'll find linked on our homepage, or you can make a one-time donation through PayPal by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving every penny to buy one of them fancy eight-slice toasters,

you can also help out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or your podcast rating vehicle of choice, or contact your local churches and ask them if they'll let you put a little note about the show up on their bulletin board. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

Slangraterialism. Slangregationalism, of course. Say it right, idiot. God, what the fuck? This looks German.