The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 123: Monster on Sunday Edition

Episode Date: June 25, 2015

In this week's episode; the infallible guy gets something right for a change, we manage to get a half-dozen appearances from Heath despite him not physically being here this week, and Steve and Tally of Monster on Sunday join us so that we can find out if atheist albums have pro-Jesus messages when you play the songs backwards.

Warning! We don't give a shit if you're offended by the language in this show. Today's episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new breakfast cereal for non-believers, Embryos. Start your godless day with nutritious and delicious frosted fetus pieces, plus marshmallows and soylents green, blue, red, and yellow. Every box contains enough zygotes to qualify as a genocide if you're an idiot that doesn't know how babies work. Embryos. Because they're loaded with protein, and the Christians get pissy when we do scientific research with them. And now, the scathing atheist. I'm Steve from Monster on Sunday,

and I can assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday! It's June 25th! And I'm not here, so Noah will have to fill in the blanks. That's true. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from... No Heath and no teeth... Valdosta, Georgia. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the infallible

guy that believes in demonic possession becomes less full of shit than every GOP presidential contender. We'll sloppily work around the fact that Heath's not here, and Monsters on Sunday will be here to tell us if Atheist albums have pro-Jesus messages when you play them backwards. But first, the diatribe. It must have been a blast to have been one of Pascal's drinking buddies. He would have been so easy to fuck with. You say, hey, Blaze, if you take a piss before 5 a.m., a dragon is going to come out of your dick hole and eat you. And then he just has to hold it all night.

You know, because sure, the odds that you're right are super low. But what if you are? I mean, the discomfort of holding in your piss all night is nothing compared to being eaten by a freshly urinated dick dragon. So he just doesn't get to pee, right? It's just amazing to me how quick theists are to offer up explanations for their beliefs that wouldn't pass muster for any other proposition. Because look, man-eating urethra dragons are actually inherently more likely than God. You know, at least the dragon doesn't hold mutually exclusive properties. So if you actually wanted to use Pascal's wager as an epistemological principle, you'd have to think, well, I'm pretty sure there's no goblins in the kitchen, but what if I'm wrong?

I better bring the battle axe just in case, and there's no logical reason to think that this rainwater is going to make me explode, but I better stay inside just in case I'm wrong. And, well, I don't think that the TV's going to turn into a giant poisonous wasp, but I better stay inside just in case I'm wrong. And I don't think that the TV's gonna turn into a giant poisonous wasp, but I better smash the shit out of it just to be on the safe side, right? And yet, despite its obvious absurdity, Christians and other various theists will offer this as a justification for their most cherished belief without even a hint of embarrassment. What if you're wrong? What, like you determined that there was an omnipotent dude cataloging your sexual positions who's going to give you a fucking golden space mansion when you die because not getting a space mansion would suck? How can this strike anyone as a valid argument?

It's the one I hear most often, but all of their arguments are equally vapid. They'll say, well, where did the Big Bang come from? And I'll say, a gay dragon that wants you to give me money. And they'll say, nuh-uh. And I'll say, well, what if you're wrong? And they won't give me money. So clearly, they're not even buying their own bullshit here. You know, they'll say, I had a personal experience with God.

And I said, you know, I had a personal revelation that you could drink this whole gallon of bleach and you'd be able to see into the future. And they still won't drink the bleach. Or they'll say, you know still won't drink the bleach. Or they'll say, you know, God gives my life meaning, and I'll say, you know what, slapping people who say that in the head with my dick gives my life meaning, and they still won't hold still. So again, they wouldn't accept any of these arguments for any other proposition, and yet they're willing to use them to justify what they consider to be the most important thing a person could possibly know.

So the obvious question is, how do intelligent people get fooled into thinking that these are valid arguments? I mean, it doesn't take an intellectual powerhouse to knock down virtually anything the apologists have to offer, and while some of the religious people are no doubt stupid enough to think that these arguments add up, the vast majority of them aren't. I mean, even most of the stupid theists would see through Pascal's wager if you used it to prop up something other than God. So how does this happen? Well, the obvious answer is that they're not buying their own bullshit. That they don't believe themselves.

Now, that's not a controversial answer, by the way. It's just a controversial way of phrasing the answer. Because most people call it compartmentalization. phrasing the answer. Because most people call it compartmentalization. I guess that's because they don't want to say actively lying to yourself and pretending to be convinced by things that you don't find convincing. But the one thing means the other. If you're putting certain questions in a logic-free zone in your mind, it's because you've already admitted that they wouldn't make it if they were in any other zone. And if that's the case, then on some level you've also admitted that you don't believe what you're professing to believe. Why else would you compartmentalize it? And when you consider it,

this explains an awful lot. After all, if religious people actually believed what they were saying, you'd never catch any of them crying at a funeral or making any active effort to avoid dying. And yet when their mothers die, regardless of how saintly their mothers are, they know that they're never going to see them again. When their children die, or when their spouses die, they know it's over. They act like they know it's over. They react in the same way the atheists react, with the exact same amount of sadness and finality, which says to me that when the chips are down, nobody believes in God. I recall a phenomenon from back in my

hippy-dippy spiritualism days. We'd do these elaborate ceremonies. You'd have these color-coded candles and a circle of salt and consecrated elemental weapons and robes that we've made by hand and prescribed mixes of incense and elaborate gestures and chants and shit. And sometimes

weeks of preparation would go into this shit, and then after all this preparation and practice and all this intricate ritual shit, nothing would happen. Invariably. Exactly the same outcome every time we did it. But that's when that compartmentalization thing kicked in, right? Because we didn't stand around afterwards and say, huh, nothing happened again. Instead, we'd all kind of talk ourselves into believing that something did happen. The most credulous person in the circle would say, well, I know I felt a presence and, you know, nobody can just call bullshit on them because we're all pretending that this could have worked. So you can't argue when somebody said that it did. And then, you know, nobody wants that person to be the only one who got to tap into the magic tonight. So the next thing you know,

somebody else also felt the presence and somebody else saw a vague outline of a demon in the incense smoke, and somebody else saw that exact same thing too, except for far more clearly, and then somebody else heard it speak, and then suddenly within 10 fucking minutes of the end of this thing, we've turned this failure into a success. Now keep in mind, nobody ever actually said the words, hey, let's all pretend that worked, huh? It was just an unspoken agreement. And sure, you knew you were lying when you said you saw the demon, but you didn't know for sure that everybody else was lying, even though you pretty much knew it. But, you know, maybe something really did happen, and you just weren't tuned in enough. So better do another ritual and be more tuned in next time.

You know, the point is that from my perspective, looking back on it now, I never believed it, and I knew the whole time that I didn't. I did admit that out loud, and in a sense, I didn't even admit it to myself. But I couldn't fool me by refusing to think the specific words, this is bullshit. I knew it was a lie every time I told it.

Now, I can't say how many religious people are in this same position, but, you know, look, if I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, respecting their intelligence, and judging by their actions, I'd have to say all of them. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is Heath Enright's understudy, Lucinda Lusions.

Lucinda, are you ready to step in for the big guy? Uh, puppy right! Excellent start. In our lead story tonight, the infallible guy got something right for a change. Pope Franamometer released his much-awaited encyclical on global warming last Thursday, which goes against Catholic tradition by being largely based on evidence and scientific consensus. Now, that's not to say that the document was on point exactly, as he largely pushed the blame off on addiction to technology and consumerism while not only ignoring overpopulation but actually sneaking a dig in against both birth control and abortion.

Isn't it sad that we've gotten to the point where this is progress? What's that, Pope? You'll admit there's global warming, but you still insisted it's something your magic friend made up and it's because of condoms? Right, right. Oh, shit. I's because of condoms? Right, right. Oh, shit. I guess we'll take it. Yeah, right. We'll take what we can get at this point. Now, in the encyclical titled Laudato Si' on care for our common home, the Pope demonized common-sense solutions by lamenting what he sees as the immoral act of offering financial aid

contingent on grown-up policies on reproductive rights and rules against killing gay people. Quote, To blame population growth instead of extreme and selective consumerism on the part of some is one way of refusing to face the issues, end quote. Well, sure, but if you reverse the clauses in that sentence, it's still exactly as true. Yeah, exactly. That would be another way of refusing to face the issues. I mean, you know, don't get me wrong. Now, Pope, I frant here you as one of the world's leading experts on refusing to face the issues. I mean, you know, don't get me wrong. Now, Pope Eiffrant Heria is one of the world's leading experts on refusing to face the issues. But it kind of pisses me off to hear a

bunch of otherwise skeptical and logical people lauding him for admitting to the science in a document that suggests that population growth is in no way responsible for overconsumption. And honestly, nobody in the universe is suggesting that birth rate is the sole source of the problem. Right. But the number of Chinese people certainly contributes to the amount of resources that China is going to need. Yeah, slightly. I don't think there's a one-to-one there.

And the beauty of tackling that side of the issue is that unless your morals aren't more outdated than that's what she said jokes, there's no downside to it. There's no downside to birth control. You know, yes, overconsumption is a problem, but that isn't a fucking problem that the Pope can do anything about. Modernizing Catholic views on birth control, or at least getting the fuck

out of the way and letting other people do the work, is something very much in his purview and something he chose not only to ignore but reinforce. So no soup for you, motherfucker.

You're still part of the problem, and I'm not giving you any bonus points for pointing that problem out if you do so in such a way as to deflect from your contribution to it. And of course, the religious right is in the middle of an unclenchable shitstorm over it nonetheless. Well, of course. Right. Most American religious leaders already figured the Catholics were in league with the devil, and I suppose this just confirms it. Of course, some of the criticism is coming from Catholics like Ricky Ricks, the frothy mix, and Bill the shrill Donahue.

But the very best came from Alan Keyes, who compared the Pope to Marx, Stalin, and Mao. How the fuck did Marx get on that list? Because he was godless and therefore a genocidal murderer, I suppose. Oh, yes, obviously. So Keyes' argument is so insane, you'll think I'm making it up, seriously. Basically, he says that if we tackle climate change, it can only be through massive government programs. And if you think about it, wars are massive government programs too.

And wars kill millions of people. So if you support government action against climate change, you support killing millions of people. That actually does summarize his basic argument more or less. But it actually even gets crazier when he suggests that Ted Turner, Warren Buffett, David Rockefeller, and Bill Gates all publicly support murdering third world populations through poisonous vaccines in an effort to depopulate the world. So the agenda Pope Francis seems willing to promote, at the risk of slandering humanity, encompasses punitive action near unto genocide against the human race. Your bully is way beyond hyper at this point, dude. Sorry.

Yeah, no shit. And in Cluck's Dynasty news tonight, the first time I ever get to do a headline in this show, and it has to involve that depressing story in South Carolina where Confederate Opie shot nine innocent people during their Bible study. And I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not funny. It's not funny. No, it's not. But for people listening in archive, it was

just last week when that demonic little shit that couldn't fill out his Klan uniform walked into the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, and brutally murdered nine innocent people for the crime of being black. Yeah, this pathetic little bag of recessive alleles somehow got it in his head that he was genetically superior to something.

Dude, statistically speaking, the guys you shot had dicks that were bigger around than your biceps, so good luck continuing to tell yourself how superior you are once the black dudes in prison start giving you a few of those genetic deposit American prisons are so famous for. Yeah, this kid was so fucking racist he refused to get a tan. He's got all these pictures online with him with Confederate flags and a jacket with the Rhodesian flag on it because apparently he started running out of racist symbols and had to start reaching deep into his bag.

He also left a racist screed in an effort to explain his cowardly actions. So, of course, nobody needs me to tell them that this was racially motivated, except, of course, a bunch of Christian Republican assholes that apparently do need me to tell them that. Right? Okay, like, for example, how about E.W. Jackson, who appeared on Fox & Friends in the aftermath of this to say that this was connected to, quote,

a rising hostility against Christians across this country because of our biblical views, end quote. Which would be, like, exactly as careless as saying that this was an escalation of the less-filling-tastes-great debate. Unbelievable.

But it wasn't just the nincompoops on Fox trying to spin this as an attack on Christianity. Prick Santorum came out in the aftermath of the shooting to call it an attack on our religious liberties. And Lindsey Graham, the GOP presidential candidate who actually represents the state where this happened, and where the Confederacy started, by the way, came out while the bodies were still warm to suggest that the suspect was, quote, looking for Christians to kill, end of quote. So, yes, the kid with the pro-apartheid paraphernalia on his Facebook profile picture just happened to walk into the oldest surviving black church in Charleston

and killed the first Christians he found. And, oh, yeah, he's Christian, by the way. Right. It's perfect sense, guys. That's it. Speaking of making perfect sense and Christian by the way. It's perfect sense, guys. That's it. Speaking of making perfect sense and missing the florist for the trees news tonight, a North Carolinian civilian is being lauded as a hero

for the instrumental role that she played in the apprehension of the suspect in that shooting. The woman who sported the naturally occurring porn name Debbie Dill spotted the suspect's vehicle, recognized his Q-tip haircut, alerted police, and followed him until he could be taken into custody. But she's careful not to take any credit for her actions. Quote, it was capitalized him from the time I left my house this morning.

It was capitalized him that made me look at the car. It was capitalized God who made this happen. End quote. So apparently it takes divine intervention to notice a prepubescent Amish albino whose face is currently plastered all over the news when you're a North Carolinian florist. I guess so. And apparently God kicks in after the mass murderer kills nine faithful followers in Christ in a house of worship. He can't see the psychotic gunman in a fucking church in time to do anything about it. He can't see the psychotic gunman in a fucking church in time to do anything about it.

And when he does finally get his crystal ball rebooted, instead of dropping a chunk of fucking brimstone on the little bitch, he sends his trusty, overweight, middle-aged florist to take care of business. It's just strange he didn't choose to take care of this on the front end, you know? Or, you know, just not make deranged homicidal racists. That would also work. Yet another way to tackle the problem. Anyway, I'm not going to give the lady too much shit since she did actually play a key role in apprehending a murderer, but it's still worth pointing out that this is an incredibly arrogant type of humility. You know, God answered my prayers that this kid gets caught. He answered my prayers for justice.

He ignored the nine people screaming for him after that kid pulled out his gun. But hey, you know, they used the wrong magic wand or something. Didn't say the right spell or whatever. Ridiculous. And in rope and fool without a rope news tonight, small town Texas Mayor Will Rogers is standing firm in his defense of a sign that reads, Jesus welcomes you to

Hawkins and sits on public land in his town. There's the problem. And to explain why this unconstitutional sign was constitutional, he invoked the Superman defense. Oh. Yeah.

Did he spin around? He explained, quote, if you don't believe that Jesus existed, then he would be fiction. If he's fiction and you want to remove

his name from everything, then you have to remove every fiction from across the country. What? Well, that means you couldn't say Superman welcomes you to town.

End quote. Okay, first of all, if you're a Christian and the subject of super-powered fictional people invented by Jews comes up, it's probably best not to point one out that kicks way more ass than Jesus. And secondly,

why would you pull Superman out of your hat when there are so many people that are so much more analogous? Muhammad welcomes you to Hawkins. Joseph Smith welcomes you to Hawkins. Satan welcomes you to Hawkins. Why not use one of those ready examples, Mayor, since they'd actually function as meaningful analogies and all? Well, in his defense, he's full of shit, so sensible stuff is off the table.

Well, true. Yeah, exactly. Sensible is shit, so sensible stuff is off the table. Well, true. Yeah, exactly. Now, I guess Mayor Rogers' defense of half-truth, injustice, and the Victorian way came in response to an FFRF complaint about the sign. The letter pointed out that putting signs on public property about which religion the town supports is exactly the kind of shit the Constitution was forbidding with that Establishment Clause. And, of course, all the small-town Texans heard about the letter and said, shucks, we never considered

how this would come across to people of minority faiths or no faith. We'll take it down right away. Or they said, fuck you suits. Take your pick. It was one of those. The smart money is on B, of course. Well, yeah, but it's so strange that a bunch of small-town Christians in Texas were unable to take a multicultural

view on this one. That's so odd. Residents called attempts to remove the sign northern aggression and, of course, Christian persecution. Oh, of course, yes. Yeah. When interviewed by a local television station, residents suggested the FFRF, quote, come take it, baby, end quote. While another warned that, quote, it will not stop with one sign, end quote. It's a threat. I guess. Another resident pointed out that they could just move the sign on private property with private funds,

and then nobody would give a shit, and it would be all legal. Huh. There you go. And I'm sure they threw rocks at her or some shit. That would be the biblical way to handle that situation, I do believe, with her speaking in public and everything. And I guess now that we're talking about stoning women to death anyway, I guess it's time to shine a quick spotlight on religious-born sexism. And for that, we'll hand things over to the lovely you.

A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate rape. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogyny. I guess it's no mystery that this segment has generated more than a couple of disapproving emails. And to be fair, most of them have been really polite and have made a few valid points. Not necessarily a high percentage of the overall points they made, but there are a few valid complaints there. If you're fighting to give men a fairer shake in child custody hearings, for example, I'm your ally in that 100%. If you're fighting against the cultural bias that says men have to

know how to fix cars and wrestle bowls, I'm your ally in that 100%. And if you're raising your voice in an effort to help rally the feminist voices to the causes that need them the most, again, I'm your ally in that 100%. Because believe me, I recognize the difference between the sexism women face in America and the sexism they face in any number of backward-ass countries around the world and while that's not a valid reason to ignore the problems we face here it does call for us to step back once in a while and take a global view part of that is to see how far we've come but some of it is also just as a warning of what could happen if we don't stay diligent in defense of the gains that we've made. I have a perfect example for you. The Women's

World Cup is going on right now, and if you didn't realize it, it might be because you're paying really close attention to the sporting news. The national media seems almost completely uninterested, despite the fact that women's soccer is basically the only non-basketball international sport we're any good at. And yes, there's definitely a lot of sexism driving that. So that's the type of sexism America's female athletes generally have to contend with. Disinterest, lack of respect, and Stephen A. Smith being an asshole. And that's bad, sure, but it could be a lot worse. And there's few better places to go on the globe for examples of a lot worse than Malaysia.

21-year-old Malaysian gymnast Farah Ann Abdul Hadi came home from the Southeast Asian Games with six medals, two gold medals, a silver, and three bronze. But instead of talking about her athletic prowess, the country's far more interested in her hoo-ha. us, the country's far more interested in her hoo-ha. That's right, the prudish Muslim fucks in Malaysia are taken to social media to decry her blatant immodesty for wearing a leotard. And we can't exactly have women running around all, you know, women-shaped, now can we? Senior Islamic cleric, Pek Mufti Tan Sri Harasi Zakahua, whose name length is clearly compensating for something, explained that gymnastics just isn't for Muslim women because the outfits make them look more like human beings than bags of long clippings.

Though he does admit that nobody could tell you were doing gymnastics if you were wearing a burqa, so his solution is that a bunch of young Muslim women just give up on their dreams and talents. Because when clerics obsessively stare at Farrah Ann's crotch to see if the outline of her vag is discernible, that makes her a pervert. Now, in a normal week, I'd have a couple more examples of international athletic sexism for you, but you'll have to forgive me for cutting it short. I had a lot of extra stuff to research this week, and believe me, this 30 seconds thing is way harder than Heath makes it look. So, without further ado, I'll hand things back over to Noah and me.

Thank you, Lucinda. You're welcome. And in Scarborough Flair news tonight, Texas pastor and man whose face looks out of place without the question injured on the job and an 800 number accompanying it, Rick Scarborough was apparently a little pissed when Heath and I did a headline segment last week that was almost entirely filled with stories about Christians chicken-littling about gay marriage without ever mentioning him. Well, he made damn sure he wasn't going to get overlooked again this week

when he explained that true Christians need to be prepared to burn to death in their opposition to gay marriage. Because apparently he thinks Flamer refers to their finishing move or something. Subquero wins. Carnality. I would play that game. In a conference call with a melodramatically titled anti-gay group, the National Emergency Coalition, Scarborough pointed out that the real target of the gays

isn't equality so much as destroying Jesus. Quote, The endgame is the complete destruction of the church of the Lord Jesus, the replacement of it with this liberal theology that isn't a theology, it's a philosophy. End quote. So, no, Rick, that was me, not the gays. You were thinking of us.

That's definitely our endgame. He was doing fairly well there until, of course, he had to suggest that the only way to get there is by imposing the death penalty on Christians that fail to get gay married or whatever he was saying there. He also accused gays of spitting in the face of God. And I'm thinking the whole time, look out, God, that ain't spit. Well, but I love how brave these guys are when they're facing an imaginary threat. these guys are when they're facing an imaginary threat. You know, something tells me Rick Scarborough wouldn't be anywhere near as quick to offer up his life for a cause that might actually cost him his life.

It's pretty easy to say, well, I'm going to stand in front of this gay wedding being an asshole and I'm willing to brave the inherent risk of being set on fire that protesting gay weddings entails. That's how brave I am. And then you have the right to shut the fuck up news tonight. A group of street Jesus hustlers in Tennessee managed to accomplish their goal of getting arrested for disorderly conduct last weekend just by verbally abusing everyone in earshot about Jesus. Now imagine, if you will, the sheer level of assholery it takes to get arrested for preaching in fucking Tennessee. And while you're at it, imagine how many non-Christians you're likely to find at a

county fair halfway between fucking Nashville and Bowling Green, Kentucky. So in case I'm not making this clear, this group clearly set out to get arrested so they could gain some persecution cred. Yeah. They even made a video of themselves berating random strangers to promote their harrowing adventure with hopes that they could like get really popular virally and buy one of those really nice cameras like fat guy in a red hat bought i guess and in that video they played up their couple of hours in a holding cell by comparing it to the real persecution that

christians face in some muslim majority countries So yeah, getting beheaded, having a call of Bell's bondsmen, pretty much the same. About equal. Yeah. They also explained that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Quote, seven or eight hours in the jail cell are kind of like training wheels to get us ready for real persecution. Real burdens. End quote. So I'm not really sure if he realized, he just admitted that this wasn't real persecution.

Right. But he totally did. Yeah, sorry, bro. This is just regular secution so far. But keep going. I'm sure somebody's going to feed you to a lion eventually. It's just around the corner. And look, I don't know how many times we have to explain this,

but getting arrested for breaking a law while being a Christian is not persecution. No, that's not what that means. It doesn't count. No. If you get arrested for waving your dick around in public, it doesn't matter that you wrote John 316 on it beforehand. That doesn't make this a First Amendment issue. You can't wave your dick around like that. No, but the video definitely would have gotten more hits.

Totally. I'd have watched that. And finally tonight, and nothing to fear but beer itself news, Cleveland-based Heinen's Grocery Stores has pulled a craft beer from their shelves after one too many uptight Christians complained about its name. Apparently, they've got some kind of an issue with calling an alcoholic beverage Sweet Baby Jesus, which has led to the startling conclusion that religious people have no fucking sense of humor whatsoever.

Right? I mean, come on. It's not like they had a picture on the front of Jesus opening a bottle with the holes in his palms or anything. That would sell. Right? The name of the shit was Sweet Baby Jesus. That's complimentary.

Right. Exactly. Now, the head of the Baltimore-based brewing company that makes the label admits that the name has generated complaints in the past, though this marks the first time a retailer has pulled the product because of them. And then, fearing he'd made it too clear that he was calling one of his customers a bunch of pussies, he added that he understands the chain's decision to pull the product in hopes that someday their balls will drop. I guess I could see being offended by somebody thinking that Talladega Nights jokes were worth naming stuff after. I'd be way more willing to get behind that protest, exactly.

Now, of course, the whole situation has been something of a marketing boon for this small brewery, so no doubt they're going to be looking to repeat their success again, and for that, they just might need our help, which means we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Blasphemous beer brands. Go. Well, Coors Light is an insult to all things holy. Well, that's true, yes, but we're looking for more stuff more like, um, Whole Garden

of Eden. Ah, gotcha. Like Lone Morning Star. Exactly. Or maybe Clitburger Premium. What about a beer with a shot of Levin Orgestro? The morning after Pilsner. It could even have a little embryo in it. It could have an embryo in it like a tequila worm. Holy shit. Heath would be proud what beer is basically pre-abortion fuel anyway wow okay

changing the subject uh how about ken ham adams significantly older than the date on the bottle suggests vatican gold they used to call it nazi gold but they changed the name for you know obvious reason yeah post laundering all right how about uh a quick tip of the hat to Pastor Manning here? We could go with Mike's Hard Seminate. And if you spill it, they can call it Sin of Coronin. Nice. How about Budweiser Crown of Thorns? Well done.

It's an impale, Al. Of course it is. And, of course, in honor of both our Australian listeners and Rafe, I'm going to just go with 50 Lashes without a change. A flogger-logger. I like it. Let's see. One more.

How about Man of the Froth, aged nine years for great head? There we go. We got the Trinity there. Puppy rape reference, abortion gag, and priest forcing his cock into a child joke. So I guess we are done with headlines. Lucinda, thanks for stepping in. Hebrew mungy. Close enough.

And when we come back, Steve and Tally Cass of Monsters on Sunday will be here to talk about hiding anti-religious messages just where the Christians least expect them, in rock music. Hey, God. Sup, Uriel. How are you? Uh, nothing much. Just wondered if you had a few minutes to talk about these, um,

these humans you're working on. This again? I'm sorry, but look. Me, Gabe, and Mikey, we were just test-driving a couple of the prototypes, and the design flaws are way worse than we thought. I'd like to remind you, I don't do flaws. Okay, design oversights, mysterious ways, whatever, but we're seeing all kinds of pre-rollout issues.

It's going to be a problem. Such as? Well, for instance, nobody likes the scrotum. We've been over this, Uriel. Dude, it's gross. It's going to whack on everything. It's going to hurt. I like the balls.

The balls stay. Fine. Okay, but can we at least do something about the arms? Because, you know, as soon as they realize they can play with their dicks, that's all they're going to do. I'll forbid it. Yeah, but they'll just still do it. Why not just shorten the arms a little? Oh, that worked really good when I took the same advice from you on that Tyrannosaurus we did.

Well, the dinosaurs didn't masturbate, so that. Well, trust me. I will make sure they don't fiddle it. I will develop some kind of lake of fire or something, and I can threaten them with that, so it won't be a problem. I think it's going to be a problem. Fine. You know what? We will make another version without the dick or the balls, if that'll make you happy. We'll just release both. I think that would be a good idea.

Is that all? Well, there's a couple other things. We did some QC on the teeth, and it looks like those Korean manufacturers fucked you again. Those things are going to last, at most, like 40 years, and that would only be if you brushed them a couple times a day. Definitely going to have to find a new supplier for the teeth. I will put that somewhere on my to-do list. Okay. Also, I think this is a big one, actually.

The way the blueprint reads now, the eyes are upside down and backwards. No, I know. I know. That was on purpose. I put a part in the brain that corrects for all of that. Well, okay. Sure, yeah. But that doesn't seem like the most efficient solution, I feel like.

What's your point, Uriel? That we could just put them in frontwards and right side up. Then we could use that part of the brain to make them understand statistics or something, or how to merge in traffic. There's a lot of things they're shitty at. Look, right side up, upside down, that's matter of opinion type stuff. It really isn't, because one choice has the word right in it. The other one has the upside pointed down.

I'll take it under advisement. Anything else? I think we need to overhaul the design. side pointed down. I'll take it under advisement. Anything else? I think we need to overhaul the design. Just delay the rollout. Just the whole thing. Back it up a little bit. Uriel, I've told you. I'm on a schedule here. The appendices are falling out left and right.

More than 1 in 20 are coming out gay no matter how we calibrate the machine. No gays. I know what you said. I'm just telling you what we got. Okay, but you know what? If we're stuck with gays, I'm going to make damn sure they can't have any cake. I don't think that's the most important issue here.

We're still getting all kinds of birth defects, blindness, deafness, cleft palates. Whatever. I'm God. I will just miracle the ones that come out all gimpy. I don't think you appreciate how fast these things are going to multiply. I mean, pretty soon you'd be doing nothing but the miracling.

Well, fine. You know what? I won't miracle the ones that beat off. There you go. Two birds, one stone. Okay, I just think you're underestimating the importance of getting it right the first time. That'd be so much easier. Look, I'll tell you what. If we go ahead with this and it turns out that you're right, I'll just drown the planet and reboot. Promise. Okay, but that just seems harder than getting it right the first time.

You know what? I bet you wouldn't be so damned uptight if I'd just given you an anus. What? One of the lamest apologetics in the theistic quiver is the argument from inspiration. They point to all the great music and paintings inspired by religion, and then they act as though that lends their belief some amount of value. And of course, when I point to all the great music and paintings inspired by heroin, they still seem to think they have a valid argument. But perhaps a better counterpoint is any of the number of phenomenal secular musicians who draw their inspiration from science, reality, or even their prodigious disdain for religion.

Well, my guests tonight, I believe, fit in all three of those categories. Steve and Tally Kass are the dynamic duo behind the atheist hard rock powerhouse Monster on Sunday. Tally, Steve, welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Fun to be here. Awesome, awesome.

So you guys have a new album coming out on August 7th with the mouth-watering title of Baby Eater. So do you sing recipes on that or what? We do have some dishes in the album as the form of photos,

but not actual recipes now. Well, yeah, yeah, the cover is the... Baby meatloaf. Baby meatloaf. Fish. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, there's some other delectable photos of dishes there. Baby salad. The baby foot salad. Yeah. Nice. Awesome. We might have to pause here so I can run and grab a bite. Now you're making my tummy rumble.

So now, why go so heavily towards the atheist angle? I mean, do you feel like that reduces your potential fan base at all? Well, I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter. Most of these songs are very personal to me. Many of them are my personal stories of growing up as the only atheist in a very religious family full of pastors and preachers and things. And I was the only one that didn't believe. And it's been a struggle.

It's been difficult feeling like accepted and things like that. So I don't think I had a choice. I've always considered myself an atheist. And I really like using that word. And I think we should be really like using that word, and I think we should be proud of using that word, and I'd like to destigmatize the word if possible. So, no, I don't care if it limits the fan base. I don't think it will.

I think we're coming out with a strong atheistic message, and me being a female front to the band, I think is powerful and inspirational to a lot of people. So, we're just hoping to be an inspiration with all that. Awesome. Awesome. It is going to fuck up your bar mitzvah business, though, and those things are a goldmine. So now I want to give our audience a taste of what you do, but before we get into that, tell us about the big album release show you've got coming up.

Okay, so we're going to play Ramona Mainstage on August 7th, and it's going to be really awesome. Steve Hill, the comedian, is going to open up for us. Shelly Siegel is going to follow. Oh, awesome. And we're going to play our full album for the first time ever at that show. We're going to take a quick listen to one of the singles right now. It's a tune called Just Like You Know.

Is there anything you want to tell us about the song before we jump into it? Well, it's our first single release, us about the song before we jump into it? Well, it's our first single release, and it was inspired by biologist Richard Dawkins in his New York Times bestselling book, The God Delusion. We just love that book, and we wanted to write something that talks about turning it around, because everybody has this idea about God that he's so wonderful and amazing and it's all about peace, love, and granola. Well, you know what? It's not. The God of the Bible is a scary bastard.

Yeah. So we basically wrote a book that puts all the truth out. We didn't write a book. We wrote a song that puts all the truth out there that is in the Bible of all the awful things that God also is. Right on, right on. Yeah, there's definitely echoes of the, I believe it's the opening paragraph of chapter two of that book that inspired a great deal of this. One of the greatest atheist rants ever written. All right, so we're going to give it a quick spin here.

This is Just Like You from the forthcoming album Baby Eater. So a quick warning, if you usually listen to this show on fast or anything, you might want to pause, adjust your player to normal speed for the next five minutes. Your body's just like you Your God is just like you Just like you Your body's just like you Your God is Jealous and proud of it Petty and unjust

What does the hypocrite A fool of hate and mistrust Misogynistic Homophobic and racist Infanticidal Genocidal Are we willing to face it? Just another

Ethnic Clansman Just another ethnic cleanser. Just another evil monster. Just another abusive father. Just another motherfucker. You're better than you. Just like you. Just like you. Bye. Fuck you. Your body just like you. Your body. Megalomaniacal.

Pseudomastachistic. So diabolical. It's fucking sadistic. Sedom and statistic Don't die a monocle You're fucking sadistic You're malevolent bully Vindictive and violent You're even

selfish liar A dog and a bigot Just another ethnic cancer Just another ethnic cleanser Just another evil monster Just another abusive father

Just another mother fucker You're dying just like you Just daddy's just like you Just like you Your daddy's just like you Your daddy's just like you Just like you Your daddy's just like you Your body just like you Wake up Just another

Epic render Just another evil monster. Just another abusive father Just another brother Your God is just like you Just like you Your God is just like you. Just like you. Just like you. Your body's just like you. Your body's just like you. Just like you.

Just like you. Your body's just like you. All right, we're back with Steve and Tally, and I want to start off by slightly distancing myself from the lyrics of that song because if I ever met a Christian that was just like their God, I would be hiding in my fucking panic room until I knew that person was in federal custody. But now, obviously, the way we operate our show, this is a problem we get, and I'm sure you're probably going to get it if you haven't already.

How do you respond to the atheists that say that your lyrics go too far, they're disrespectful, they stand in the way of a productive conversation, etc.? I'd have to disagree and say that there's things going on in this world today that are very barbaric. People getting beheaded, people having honor killings. The list goes on and on and on of the barbaric things that are being done in the name of God and in the name of religion right now out there. And we

definitely think that those kind of things should enrage people. There should be an outrage. People should be upset, and people should be angry about it. And if they just want, you know, again, the peace-loving granola side, that's fine to each his own. But we want to make sure that, you know, we're pointing out that these things are atrocities and they shouldn't be going on. And it's terrible. These are some of the horrible harms that religion

causes out there. And we want to bring light to those. Basically, when you put the honor killings, the beheadings, the crusades next to calling God a motherfucker, which should you be more pissed off about? I think it would be all of that crazy shit that is going on. Yeah, great answer. Great answer. All right, so now one of the perks of the job is that I've actually had a chance to hear your album. I really enjoyed it.

And I don't want to leave everybody with the impression that this album is one-dimensional because, you know, I'm a huge fan of the Fuck God message, but there's a lot more to the lyrics in the songs than that. You know, like listening to a song like Stardust, for example, you know, I'm thinking to myself, I'm feeling inspired, you know, like you guys have some bearded magic hippie carpenter dying for you i got stars dying for me motherfuckers so is there an overall theme to the album other than you know just there's no god well my goal with the album is to just uh get the message out to other atheists like i was feeling alone in a family surrounded by a family of people that have different beliefs,

and you just, you don't believe that way. It's very alone feeling, and I just want to tell anyone in a situation like that, they're not alone. And then Steve has a little bit different of a message that he kind of used the album to portray. Well, yeah, obviously I agree with that message. I just also, you know, with this, we're trying to promote a reasonable point of view. So it's not just about fuck God. It's also about think for yourself, believe in yourself. And every song on this album has a different message.

It reaches out to a different person. But in every song, we try to make sure that we're relating to an atheist topic, and that's something that we want to continue to do. Right on, right on. Well, I would say that you did it in spades. Okay, so now if any of the listeners are out there and they just can't wait until August 7th, they happen to be in the Southern California area, is there any way that they might be able to go see you this weekend? Yeah, absolutely. We're playing the Godless Mala.

It's the first ever secular fair in San Diego. And it's going to be awesome. Tickets have already gone really fast, so if you want to get in on that, you need to go and buy them immediately. You can go to our website to get those. Yeah, it should be a hell of an event. I know Seth Andrews is the keynote. A friend of the show, Dan Errol, is going to be there. A friend of should be a hell of an event. I know Seth Andrews is the keynote, friend of the show Dan Errol is going to

be there, friend of mine Ryan Bell will be there, and guaranteed to be sporting fashionable footwear. If you see him, I guarantee you he's wearing nice socks. We'll check that out. And also, Steve the Magician will be there. Oh, right on, right on. There's more even than I knew. Awesome.

And maybe somebody else I'm not thinking of right now. I'm sorry if I forgot anybody. Also worth mentioning that the San Diego Corps, Humanists of San Diego, and also the American Atheists are putting on this event, and it's going to be

a big event. They've been working really hard. Yeah, yeah. Somehow it didn't make it onto the calendar segment for our show. And of course, if you're not anywhere near that and you still want to hear a little bit more, you can buy the single that you just heard on the website MonsterOnSunday.com. And, of course, if you want to learn more about the band,

you can check them out there as well. You'll find links to that in our show notes. We'll also have info on the August 7th release show as well as the Godless Gala. Also worth noting that if you pre-order the album, you get a chance to download the tracks a week before the official release. It's a phenomenal album, comes highly recommended from an atheist with a good ear for lyrics, or at least one that likes to think he is. Tally, Steve, thanks again so much for being part of the show tonight. Thank you, Nellis,

and our pleasure. And when we come back, Heath will transcend space and time to be here once again. We've all seen those demonic images in films before, the inhuman growling, the twisted and pained expressions, the violent spastic seizures that are caricatures of normal human motion, that otherworldly ugliness, and yet, despite it all, they keep putting Christian Bale in movies. But we're not going to be talking about him in this bit. Instead, we're going to be talking about exorcism in a segment that we call How Bullshit Is It?

So, Heath, tell us, what is exorcism? Torturing the mentally ill with near impunity. I see. That's approximately what that is. And what would somebody pretending to be objective say it is? Well, the dictionary defines exorcism as the attempt to free a person or place of evil spirits or malignant influences through the use of a religious or solemn ceremony. And to be fair, exorcism is the attempt at least to do exactly that. Gotcha. Okay.

The torturing mentally ill people is just a negligent side effect. Okay, now wait a minute. Are you suggesting that all the people who think that they're possessed by demons are mentally ill? Are you suggesting there's a way to think you're possessed by demons without being mentally ill? Okay, fair point. But, I mean, if we're making an effort to be objective,

we should see that it's at least possible that you actually could be possessed by demons, right? Except that mental illness can be shown to exist. Okay, yeah, I guess there's that, yeah. Now, I'm sure some of the people who seek exorcisms probably don't have a pre-existing mental disorder. They might just be getting stupid advice from their religious community. But the only thing that keeps possessed by demons

from fitting the DSM-5's definition of mental disorder is the fact that Part 4 of the definition specifically exempts it. Okay. So, alright, so a probably mentally ill person gets it in their head they've been possessed by a demon. So what happens next? Well, you know, you contact your church or your shaman or whatever, and they'll probably come around to give you a once-over and see if you're actually possessed or if you're just, you know, symptoms. Okay, so what kind of metrics might an exorcist use to determine if somebody's possessed? Well, unlike people who aren't full of shit, they don't bother confirming that the thing they're manipulating even exists before they start using it in lieu of medical treatment on human subjects.

So basically everybody who says, I have demon in me gets an exorcism, and very often a bill. Sounds ethical, I guess. So once an exorcist determines by assumption that somebody is possessed, what are they likely to do? Well, there's a number of different methods, but the most common is a variation of a traditional Catholic practice. Okay, so how does that one go? Basically a bunch of old men in dresses yell Bible verses at you while sprinkling water around like some kind of impotent geriatric bukkake video. It's kind of awesome if you're into that. It's weird otherwise.

So now, how do the subjects of exorcism typically respond? That depends on which exorcism movies they've seen recently. I'm not sure I follow. Well, the typical reactions of people who are possessed vary widely by culture and by most popular recent movie

about exorcism. And interestingly enough, most popular recent movie about exorcism. And interestingly enough, this is a trait that exorcism shares with none of the real things. Huh. All right. So the priest is then, I guess, battling imaginary monsters with his water pistol and his Bronze Age poetry. The patient or victim or whatever is making their best Linda Blair face while they yell demonic shit in the Batman voice. How likely is this process likely to go on? Well, that varies widely.

Some exorcism procedures go on for days, while others can be carried out in like a half an hour over Skype. So it depends who you're dealing with. So what accounts for the extreme variation there? The fact that it's complete bullshit and nothing is actually happening. Oh. Okay. There'd be a lot of different lengths. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Jesus cast out demons, didn't he? I could have swore I read that four times in a row somewhere. Yes. Either Christianity and exorcism are both real, or they're both not. Those are the available options. You're correct about that. I like where we're getting here. Okay, so

where does the practice of exorcism come from? Well, there are a few things you'll find that are more terrifying and heart-wrenching than the historical treatment of the mentally ill schizophrenia was first diagnosed as a mental disorder in 1887 but it's been with us since the beginning the tendency of seemingly normal people to occasionally go complete batshit was a tough one on humanity and we did a lot of sadistic shit to those people along the way before we figured out the right way to treat things like that. Okay, so exorcism is like a historic vestige of pre-scientific psychiatric treatment? Yeah, exactly.

And honestly, back when the alternative was waterboarding you or sticking ice picks through your eye sockets or whatever they're doing, it was probably one of the most effective options. So, it was that. Okay, but then why has exorcism outlived all the other weird shit that we used to do? Because it's extremely heavily tied to religion. Well, sure, but so is slaughtering bulls and

splashing their blood against the altar and owning the slaves, but we largely got over that. Right, and for similar reasons, exorcism has largely been driven underground in today's culture. It's not particularly common in America, but in areas with less access to education, it's still a frighteningly prevalent alternative to proper psychiatric treatment. Okay, so how common is it here?

Well, public interest in exorcism usually follows a cycle. Interest rises in a culture until mentally ill people start dying of torture, at which time public interest starts to slowly wane. At the moment, the popularity of exorcism is on the rise, largely thanks to numerous public endorsements from people like Gay Atheist Pope. So, is this strictly a religious phenomenon? Well, if you're willing to pay for it, secular people will take your money, too. There's people that dub themselves entity release therapists, and they pretend they're doing scientific demon wrestling. Oh, I can buy that too all right so now it strikes me right

away that tying up crazy people and throwing water at them isn't gonna really be good for their mental health that's correct so how dangerous is this exactly incredibly dangerous i mean with the exception of physical, there's not much that you can do to a delusional person that's going to harm them more than playing along with their delusions. And of course, since exorcism often involves physical abuse, it's a combination of the two worst things you can do. Wow. And because it's a religious ceremony, it's essentially completely unregulated, and there are no generally accepted ethical standards of practice, and obviously no scientific ones because it doesn't exist. Okay, so worst case scenario, what happens to the subject?

They die a horrible, painful death while being tortured by misguided people that love them. Does that actually happen? 1995, San Francisco, California. Pentecostal ministers pummel a woman to death in an effort to drive out her demons. Real headline. That's horrible, obviously, but that's an isolated incident. 1997, Glendale, California. Another woman is stomped to death by two priests during an exorcism.

Okay, two isolated incidents. Also in 1997, New York, New York. Also in 1997, New York, New York. Five-year-old girl killed by being force-fed poison and having her mouth taped shut in accordance with an exorcism ritual. Oh, fuck. 1998, Sayville, New York. A 17-year-old girl is suffocated by a plastic bag by her mother in an attempt to destroy the demon that lived within her. Okay, okay, I get it.

There's more. Not even to this millennium yet. Well, I'm sure there's plenty. That's more than I ever want to hear. So how the fuck is it that this isn't illegal? That would be religion. Fuck. Yeah, well, what makes exorcism so much more dangerous than most of the shit we talk about on this segment is just how many people are willing to play along with this shit. In addition to the Pope's

well-known support for the Drive Out Satan School of Psychiatry, a number of mainstream news stations have run uncritical pieces on the practice of exorcism without bothering to remind their audience that all the psychological torture stuff is for entertainment purposes

only. Why would anyone propagate this stuff? Again, religion. Fuck. So I guess there's nothing left to ask about exorcism except how bullshit is this? All right. You remember the scene from Dogma

where the shit demon showed up trying to kill them? The Golgothan, of course. It's like, that thing, really bad Taco Bell squirts. I got you. Fire sauce. Sounds like some raunchy shit. Well, Heath, thanks so much for once more lending us your fecality expertise. Anytime.

It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that sneaks in when you least expect it, just like Bill Cosby. Now, normally I wouldn't even bother doing the feedback segment with Heath not being here, but we got so many questions about Heath's vacation, and I know the guy pretty well, so I'm pretty sure I know how he would answer, and then on top of that, I've got nearly 100 hours of archives of him talking, so I think we can swing this in such a way that nobody even knows he's missing. So our first message comes from Linda, who was curious where Heath was going during his time off. So, Heath, where are you going on vacation? Moab, Tyre, Egypt, Assyria, Damascus, Babylon, and Earth in general. So that's exciting to look forward to. I see.

Why not just go to New York and see your family and stuff? I have way too much cleavage. I didn't realize there was a limit. Maybe you could go to Australia. I hear Sydney's great this time of year. There's a rule in Australia that says you're not allowed to molest children. We have that rule here, too. Absolute lunacy. I agree with that one, actually. So how will you be getting around in all those ancient nations? Women used to ride camels.

Well, that seems kind of inefficient. Why not just hire a car? All the chauffeur rapists? Well, then why not take a bus? Because of all the black people. Okay, then. And Danny also wrote to ask us what you're going to do with your hard-earned time off. Should I enslave black people? Should I murder gays with rocks? Should I fuck nine-year-olds? No, no, you shouldn't do any of that stuff. Are there any other options that you were considering, perhaps? Hating Jesus. Always a good idea. Anything else? Murder cows

for no reason. Interesting. Alright, well, we also got a message from Sharon. She wanted to know if you would be taking anyone with you on vacation. David Hasselhoff! Weird. So, what will you guys be packing? Grandmother's reanimated corpse and a string of anal beads. Why would you need those items? If someone tries to

rape my face. Who are you afraid is going to rape your face? David Hasselhoff! I didn't realize he was the face-raping type. There are several anecdotes that prove this. I see. Well, thanks for being here even when you're not, Heath. And that's all the feedback you get.

If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com Before we fade to black tonight, I wanted to give a big thanks to Adam Reeks from the Herd Mentality Podcast. He chipped in quite a bit, helped Elucida and I overcome Heath's absence on the 30 Seconds bit this

week. The Manafroth joke? Entirely his. So huge thanks to Adam. Also big thanks to the Skeptic's Dictionary. Phenomenal website that helped us a ton fashioning this week's How Bullshit Is It? It's a great resource. We'll link to it on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure

to like us on Facebook for a little bonus scatheism. Obviously, I have to thank Heath for being a huge part of the show, even when he's on vacation. He'll be back next week to fill in all of his usual duties, but I have to say, I think to thank Heath for being a huge part of the show, even when he's on vacation. He'll be back next week to fill in all of his usual duties, but I have to say, I think Lucinda filled in admirably this week. Huge thanks to her for filling a mighty big pair of shoes with a mighty small set of feet. Also wanted to thank Steve and Tally one more time for joining us tonight. Once again, if you want to pre-order their album and get the tracks a week before the album's debut,

you can find more info on that and their upcoming shows at MonsterOnSunday.com. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best bipeds, Elizabeth Less, Lil' Buckaroo, Robert, Jessica, Sean, Kevin, Denny, and Alec. Elizabeth Less and Lil' Buckaroo, whose IQs have more digits than their phone numbers, even if you're dialing international. Robert, Jessica, and Sean, whose neurons are so densely packed that neutrinos just have to go around. And Kevin, Denny, and Alec, whose ejaculations give the elevator from the shining volumetric flow velocity envy. Together, these ravishingly resplendent and remarkably

reasonable rationalists have reinforced their renown this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the testicular and or ovarian fortitude it takes to give us money, but if your balls and or ovaries are up for the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our

homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but you have insufficient balls, ovaries, or financial resources to make that donation, you can also help a ton by leaving a glowing review on iTunes, sharing the show on your blog, Twitter feed, or whatever, or by telling a friend about the show, especially if that friend is in charge of scheduling R-rated entertainment for their local atheist convention. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. all the music used in this episode was written and performed by

yours truly except where otherwise noted and i honestly i i would be willing to risk jail time to get the song pain snuck into a Christian radio station? Oh, yeah, that would be perfect, because they would have no idea that it wasn't a religious song until about the bridge. Oh, right, but now they figure something out right away, because they'd be like, wait a minute, this is good music, this can't be Christian rock.

But then they'd be like, no, she's praying.