The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 127: Drawing a Blankenagel Edition

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

In this week's episode, we'll basically read the same letter from Paul for the sixth and seventh time; Joshua Feuerstein will deliver a meaningless rant with Carrie Fisher on a chain just off screen; and Bryce Blankenagel from the Naked Mormonism podcast will be back to conclude the Joseph Smith story in more ways than one.

Warning, this podcast contains the kind of language that makes old Mormon ladies faint. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by the new Legal Compliance Service for Bigoted Christian Bakeries in Oregon that just lost a lawsuit for $135,000. Coxers for Doxers. Our team of certified, genuine, non-bigoted humanists will draw gay dicks on your pastries for the low, low price of $134,000, well below the market price of refusing service to same-sex couples and posting their personal information online.

Coxers for doxers. Outsource a gland, save a grand. And now, the scathing atheist. This is Michael from the L.C. Valley's Atheist Alliance on Facebook, and I just want to assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's July 23rd. And if you play Audacity with Dark Side of the Moon as the soundtrack,

Ray Comfort hates gay people in perfect rhythm. Occasionally in a 7-4. It's so weird. I've never seen that before. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from in red, white, and blue, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll read basically the same letter from Paul for the sixth and seventh time. Josh Forstein delivers a meaningless rant

with Carrie Fisher on a chain just off screen. And Bryce Blankenagle will be back to conclude the story of Joseph Smith in more ways than one. But first, the diatribe. You know, I've given a couple of high-minded answers in interviews before. But when it comes down to it, the reason that we started this show in the first place was for times just like this. When I first came to Heath and I said, hey, dude, we should start an atheist podcast, he basically just said, yeah, good call. But if he had asked me why,

my answer would have been because once in a while I see shit online that pisses me off so much that I have to find somebody else to vent to or my wife is going to divorce me. And here I am in precisely one of those situations. I log onto Facebook the other day. I see that scores of our listeners have shared the same video.

So even before I checked out what it was or anything, I had a feeling I might have just found the subject for this week's Diatribe. There's a good chance you've already seen the clip I'm bitching about. It started making the rounds the day after we dropped last week's show. So it's had plenty of time to percolate through the atheist community, and a number of prominent bloggers and podcasters have sounded off on it. But in case you haven't heard about it, or in case you're listening in archives, let me lay out what's got my nuts in a bunch here. So apparently there's a show on ABC called What Would You Do? The premise is that they hide a camera and then they get a bunch of actors to play out some everyday situation and they test to see what random strangers around them will do,

right? So it's like a Psych 101 version of Candid Camera. So I guess on last Friday's show, they decided to act out the following everyday scenario. You have a clean-cut family with 2.3 kids and a mortgage and shit, and they're at a diner, and they all join hands to pray before they eat.

And then an angry atheist gets up, crosses the fucking restaurant, and tells them to stop praying because she's an atheist. You know, like we do. Just your everyday run-of-the-mill, how dare you pray near me, now stop it before I shit on your brioche-type moments that we atheists are wont to instigate. You know, the kind of thing that happens when you don't pay actors to act the shit out. Look, I'm not trying to brag here, but I have never met an atheist that is a bigger asshole than me.

I'm vitriolic, I'm vulgar, callous, disrespectful, blasphemous, contemptuous, and crass for a fucking living. And the most you would ever see me do if I saw a family praying next to me at dinner is roll my eyes. You catch me on a particularly bad day and I might loudly thank the naked, masturbating ghost of George Carlin for my food when it comes out,

but the nonsensical scenario that they've created is the kind of thing that only happens in Kirk Cameron movies and Pat Robertson's cough syrup nightmares. But despite that fact, the producers over at What Would You Do? considered this the kind of everyday situation that they could just recreate. Now, keep in mind, everyday situation, that is their term. That's how they describe their show on their fucking website, putting people in everyday situations to find out what they would do. And in this instance, they were completely unable to separate everyday occurrence from asinine stereotype created by oppressive zealots trying to undermine legitimate efforts at social reform by conflating them with completely unreasonable caricatures. going to have an actress. She's going to play a feminist. She walks in and demands to use whichever fucking bathroom she wants. Or, you know, like two lesbians walk into a Christian bookstore.

They start handing out buy two, get one free abortion coupons. Do you think that those would pass for the everyday situations they're looking for? I mean, even if every single person involved in the decision chain is a Christian that hates atheists, it's still their job not to offend large swaths of people by accident, isn't it? So how is it that nobody realized that they were reinforcing a defamatory stereotype? Now, some of it clearly comes from a concerted effort from the religious right to promote and reinforce said stereotype, right? You got Fox News out there willing to put their full and unabiding trust in any sixth grader who insists he was suspended from school for reading his Bible and definitely not jerking off in the library. Meanwhile, you've got these pastors telling their flocks that atheists are trying to pass laws that

will allow us to feed them to lions if they say bless you when we sneeze. You got religious teachers telling their students at religious schools and public schools that we just made the whole evolution thing up and backed it up with a worldwide conspiracy of journals, symposiums and conferences and Nobel Prizes just to fuck them out of their Jesus juice. So sure, the pump is primed to believe that this is the kind of shit atheists do all the time, but there's also something else at work here because many of these fuckers, including all the ones that work at ABC apparently, honestly don't see the difference between trying to remove prayer from a public meeting

and screaming at a random family while they're trying to say grace. They see stories about atheist groups trying to get high school football coaches to stop leading their teams in prayer, and they figure this is the same situation only in a diner. I guess they've just been adrift so long in their vast ocean of privilege that they've forgotten that there's a shoreline out there. It's like telling the judge that the puppy rape was unavoidable because there's just no other way to get your dick into it.

And here's the most fucked up thing about it. Okay, so if you wanted to tweak that little segment on what would you do to make it believable, all you have to do is swap out the Christian family for a Muslim one and the atheist for a Christian. Now, all of a sudden, you've got something that really happens. And you have a truly interesting question about whether any of the Texan diners would stand up for a Muslim family. I mean, honestly, how many atheists have you seen on the news lined up outside a mosque to torment

Muslims over their private worship? Any? Zero? Perhaps? How many atheists have you seen bully their way to a podium to rip the microphone out of a Muslim's hands while they're in the middle of a public prayer? I'm sure you're a Christian doing that. How many atheists have you seen blocking the construction of a mosque or a Muslim cemetery or a Muslim rec center? It would take you two seconds to find a news story about Christians doing any one of those things. But if you want to find an atheist doing something like that, apparently you have to hire a bunch of actors and a bigoted TV producer. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is my partner in crime, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to aid in a bet? I think you used that one before. Yes, I did, but it was like more than 100 episodes ago, so it's less of a repeat and more of a best of. Whatever you got to tell yourself. That's what I got to tell myself.

You're a tracer. In our lead story tonight, despite what some extremely reliable Facebook posts may have told you, Seattle Mayor Ed Murray is not planning to implement Sharia law in the city, nor will he be forcing any businesses to comply with Islamic teachings. would allow Muslims to obtain home mortgages without paying interest on the loan because they have a strongly held belief that it works out better for them as borrowers without the interest. Which would seem like a blatant effort to game the system if they weren't also prohibited from charging interest. No, yeah, both sides. It's not insidious so much as just garden variety is stupid. Just stupid.

so much as just garden variety is stupid. Just stupid. So apparently Allah missed class on the day they taught all the gods about how present value of money and future value of money are both real things and different amounts. I swear, every subject Muhammad didn't address is a blessing if you're a fucking Muslim. You must just wake up every day thinking, I'm so glad he didn't spend more time on dick washing procedures.

I'd still be snaking out my urethra with a cactus needle or something. Man, I'm glad those chapters got lost. Well, as it turns out, this whole issue is meaningless. You don't say. Because Muslims can borrow or lend with interest as long as they give the interest a clever new name. Like, for example, regular payments over the course of a loan that compensate the lender for their share of the profits from an asset worth exactly the amount of the loan by coincidence. And by asset, they mean piece of paper with a number on it to an investor,

have that piece of paper rented back to them for a recurring monthly fee that's definitely not called interest, and agree to buy back the paper for a number of dollars at a future date, because that's different than interest. I see. You've got to admit, though, that puts the Jew god to shame. I mean, all you need to trick him is tie a string around your neighborhood or whatever, put the key in your belt buckle. But the full Muslim God, you at least need a CP.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Derivatives going on. And in the Pope is gay about sex visiting news tonight. Fresh off of his fuck capitalism tour of South America. Pope, I Fran so far away as gearing up for a September visit to the US of A where conservative audiences should just lap up his message of populism and climate stewardship with a

spoon. While here, the Pope plans to visit Washington D.C. to address a joint session of Congress, travel to New York to address the U.N. General Assembly, and stop off in Philadelphia to subliminally indoctrinate Americans into submitting to the gay agenda. That last thing, how would subliminal gay propaganda work?

Is the Pope going to, like, turn his normal female marching band uniform into something a little more gay? Or, like, give his speeches with short bursts of gay porn reenactments and then go back to speech? Did he just stick his crozier in that Cardinal's ass? Is that Tyler Durden's dick? So as it turns out, the addresses to the Congress and the UN can be found on the Pope's official itinerary for the visit. But to find out about the subliminally gay stuff, you have to turn to online pastor and papal cryptographer William Tapley,

who announced on his YouTube channel this week that he decoded the secret messages hidden in the logo that Pope Raisin Fran is using to promote his upcoming visit to the city of brotherly throwing shit at Santa Claus. Good. It's about time somebody decoded that. Good thing someone was working on it. Exactly. Now, the logo itself, it's like a minimalist representation of a family with indistinct lumps representing the bodies and just circles above them as they had.

Basically, think a quadruple amputee version of the guy on Wii Sports. But where most people would just see a series of droopy semicolons, Tapley sees the hidden butt sex. Sometimes a colon's just a colon. There's no dick. Unfortunately, yeah. So here's how we get there. Quote, if you look closer at this image, you will see that the two figures are in masculine shape.

They are wider at the shoulder, the upper part of the body, and they taper down just like a man. End quote. Exactly the kind of thing a heterosexual would notice, sir. Is that a wide-shouldered women's room? Disgusting. And then guy who can't even look intimidating when he's squeezing an assault rifle between his man tits news tonight the spindling wisp of rationality that connected fat guy in a red hat to sanity has predictably evaporated despite visible efforts to keep the

smart thoughts in with a really tight hat in his latest failure to orient his phone like he's shooting a fucking video with it youtube preacher and dishonest crowdsourcing parasite Joshua Feuerstein graduated from irksome butt fungus to dangerously untethered psychopath in a video that encouraged his followers to fight back against the gay agenda by murdering people with guns. Yeah, and the entire video was clearly

just so he could use this one genius line he came up with about how his First Amendment rights are protected by his Second Amendment rights. Well, and by came up with, you mean heard someone say. And no, that's not how it works, by the way, at all. No, exactly. Not even close. But he had to deliver the big line, and he also had to pick up an object with his hand at the same time.

So, you know, he got overwhelmed and flubbed it. He totally did. Flubbed the line. One line, the whole thing was for clearly so the video starts off with führerstein recalling a series of phantom attacks against christianity so he opens with a guy suing bible publishers to have the word homosexuality removed seems unaware that that lawsuit he's talking about was summarily dismissed by the courts back in 2008 and then his shit fit continues with a reference to a pastor in idaho who was threatened with jail time for his refusal to marry gay couples ignoring the fact that the threat was self-proclaimed and refuted by the people who actually enforce laws and thus

threats of jail time and then he capped it off by bitching about the cake bakers in oregon who got fined for not baking a wedding cake for a lesbian couple conveniently omitting the part where the bakers published the fucking phone number and home address of the couple. Convenient. Indeed. Yeah. When he delivers these rants, by the way, you know, he's got all these like head motions and facial expressions.

It seems like he thinks his words are all rhyming, like he's in a rap battle or something. It seems like he thinks that's what's happening. But in reality, none of those things are happening. So, you know, I think somebody needs to tell him that for our sake, I heard that nobody does a rapper. Now, let's be clear here. Like the fact that he's inaccurate in his rant just makes it a fat guy in a red hat video by itself. That's not even worth mentioning on the show, except that he then whips out a fucking assault rifle and suggested Christians just murder their way out of this pickle. He goes on to promise that he wouldn't back down any further,

which the casual observer would just assume is because he was rendered inambulatory by the exertion of the aforementioned head dynamics. Then he also urged his viewers to draw a line in the sand, presumably because he can't bend over that far without a harness to bring him back up. You know, it's just, it's one time. He over that far without a harness to bring him back up. It's one time. He goes that far down only once.

He held the gun up at the frame for about 15 seconds before he became visibly winded and had to put it back down to catch his breath and finish ranting. That definitely happened. Now, perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious moment in the entire video came towards the end as Fat Guy in a red hat expounded on the conspiracy that underlies the whole gay agenda and as it turns out it's not about equality it's about making christians look like stupid bigots that's right the blubbering dumbass whose jowls are touching both frame lines of his vertically shot video as he jostles them about like droopy dog eating pussy and who is exhausted to the point of perspiration by the physical demands of sitting still and talking thinks that we need a worldwide conspiracy to make him look stupid he's having a lot of trouble oh my god it's a really

funny video except for like he's telling people to kill other people and his face doesn't quite fit in the frame fat hitler or something easy way and from the anal p-robes file tonight host of the 700 club and guy with the facial topography of an upside down klingon pat robertson it's been oddly quiet recently in the post-gay marriage ruling meltdown wait i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to stop you right there because there's nothing odd about a dead man being quiet that's what they're supposed to do yeah the fact that they keep getting sounds out of the mouth by blowing that billows up his ass is the is the crazy part and never mind they can't make the words come out saying it's it's still a pretty impressive trick

well i guess somebody reminded robertson's lawyer about the hateful analogy quota in his contract so this week the ass pillows guy was ready while taking a call about the recentful analogy quota in his contract, so this week the ass pillows guy was ready. While taking a call about the recent Planned Parenthood video controversy, P. Robes responded with the standard tirade against the Roe v. Wade decision, and then, remembering the quota thing, he transitioned smoothly. Speaking of abortions, gay people are getting married. Can you believe this? From there, he was able to hit all the old favorites,

like gay marriage equals pedophilia, gay marriage equals polygamy, and of course, gay marriage equals sex with goats. Check, check, check. Paycheck. Paycheck. You know, it's funny. Some of the running gags on this show give me fits, right? I'm dying for Pope Frank Touch this to keel over or retire or something so I can just

get a new nickname base to work with. But when it comes to the Pat Robertson's face doesn't fit jokes, like that dude could outlive both of us and we would never run out. Very likely. Kudos on the upside down Klingon one, though. That might be the new bar. Appreciate it. And as we confer on what the name of the trophy for best the guy who taxidermied Pat Robertson's face

ran out of polyfoil jokes should be, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This week in Massage.

I've never understood it. They say that God made human beings in his own image. So is God some kind of self-loathing, verbally abused, overweight, middle-aged, shame-riddled wreck or what? I mean, if we're all made in God's image, what the fuck is wrong with the way we look? I made you in my image. Now cut that thing off your dick. I made you in my image. Now don't you dare make me look at your ugly scalp. And most of all, of course, I made you in my image. Now don't you dare make me look at your ugly scalp. And most of all, of course, I made you in my image. Now cover up your naughty bits. The bits that are directly connected to your naughty bits,

the parts that kind of remind me of your naughty bits, and the parts that remind me that you have naughty bits. Then cover those coverings with another covering. Because I modeled you after myself, and I disgust me. People all over the world are dealing with this to varying degrees, of course, but I think we can all agree that women in Muslim-majority countries are getting way more than their fair share. So the women in moderate Muslim countries look at the fundamentalist countries and see them making it illegal for women to leave the house without looking like

Jabba the Hutt in a ninja suit. So they're understandably hypersensitive to anybody overly concerned with their hemline. Which is why activists started sounding the alarm as soon as women in Kuala Lumpur started getting turned away from government buildings because their skirts were too short. This is a signal of a much larger movement toward conservatism that's leaving everyone in the country with a vagina, familiarity with Saudi Arabia, or both terrified. Meanwhile, back in the U.S., we're fighting hard not to head in the same direction. You could reasonably argue that as a whole, our nation is improving in this department, but I'm willing to bet that if you're a woman in rural Texas, you haven't noticed. Throughout the South and the Midwest, local and state governments

are hard at work dismantling women's rights, shutting down women's clinics, and enshrining patriarchy into law. Now, usually that's done with an air of head-patting, a bit of, don't you worry, young lady, we big strong men know what's best for you. And they have a deep pocket full of patriarchal platitudes to justify it. But one of their favorite go-to arguments got a lot harder to justify this week, thanks to a study from the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine. The survey followed more than 600 women who had abortions from 30 different facilities for three years. Along the way, researchers assessed how the subjects felt about the choice they'd made to terminate the pregnancy. The final result? More than 90 percent of the women thought it was the right decision in both the short term and the long term. Anti-abortion

activists love to paint the picture of post-abortion women drowning in regret for the rest of their lives, but the numbers don't bear it out at all. And now that there's scientific data that disproves that cliche, I'm sure they'll stop using it altogether. Now, when it comes to regretting not aborting a fetus, well, you'll have to ask Ken Ham's mom about that. That's right, full-time child de-educator and part-time Bill Nye's bitch, Ken Ham has wiggled his way into the segment this week with a blog post explaining why childbirth is painful. And as it turns out, it has nothing to do with the fact that vaginas aren't baby head sized. It's hardly worth mentioning because of a fucking course. It's because of the snake and the apple and the rib lady,

not the pelvis that was originally designed for walking on all fours or the expanded cranium needed to accommodate a human brain. It's the fucking snake. And that's nothing new. But I wanted to bring it up because Ken Ham so perfectly encapsulates all the reasons I hate religion in this one Facebook status-sized blog post. Because what he's actually saying is, if you just stop finding the right answers,

our wrong answers wouldn't look as stupid. So I propose a scientific test, Ken. We're going to implant a marble in your dick and let you piss it out. If it doesn't hurt, you're right, and women are God cursed. If it does hurt, you're wrong, and objects passing through orifices significantly smaller than those objects is just painful. I'm thinking we'll need a couple dozen trials for a large enough sample size. And with that lovely mental image, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines from the Cobra Commander file, Prophet Penuel,

leader of the End Times Disciples Ministries in Pretoria, South Africa, made news after he talked a number of his parishioners into eating live snake meat as he dangled it into their stupid mouths. Also worth noting, this is the same guy who reportedly tried to serve motor oil to his congregation, telling him that Jesus will make it taste like pineapple juice. Right, but not the African pastor who convinced his congregation to go outside and eat the grass on the front lawn. That was a different South African inedible thing feeding pastor. You don't expect that to be a crowded market. You know, who knew? So aside from the series of wagers he's clearly making with somebody about what can I make

stupid people put in their face, Prophet Penuel is also known for his unorthodox prayer method in which he instructs church members to take their clothes off so he can sit on their naked bodies and therefore pray harder, I guess. Definitely harder, yeah. You're going to be amazed. Ready? Open your mouth. It's going to taste like I'm not raping you.

It's going to be amazing. I promise. Who wants to try next? Raise your hand. You know, for you and me, this is just really incredibly fucked up. But for these guys, it's just Sunday. You know, they've just been going to like somebody in that church absolutely positively turned to the guy next to him and said, Oh, good. It's just live snakes today. So I was afraid it's going to be something weird. And in Sal and prepper news

tonight the embezzlement conviction of former missouri sheriff joey kyle simultaneously got a lot funnier and a lot scarier last week when we learned that the impetus for the embezzlement was the creation of a post-apocalypse survival bunker complete with about three tons of food reserves an ample supply of c4 and an arsenal that included an iraqi-made grenade launcher all of which he stored in a basement directly below an active courtroom. I guess we're not up into the part of the Bible yet where they tell you to stockpile plastic explosives. Is that revelation?

I don't know, but I am dying to reach the part right after that book. So according to Kyle's former colleagues, this genetic hybrid of 1980s Telly Savalas and 1990s Tom Selleck became obsessed with the impending end times after attending a sheriff's conference in January of last year. Look at the fucking picture. You'll think the same thing. And while it's not yet clear whether the 6,000 pounds of freeze-dried pineapple spears and tang were purchased with the embezzled funds we do know that at least some of the christian county municipal law enforcement budget went to the guy who sells deranged religious zealots grenade launchers and of course some of that by extension to iraqi arms manufacturing so nice to know he was creating jobs at least how do

you not buy american there that's just unpatriotic and you've got to imagine we make better grenade launchers now we may yet have more juicy details to report on this story though kyle pled guilty to charges of embezzlement in may he's still the target of at least three ongoing criminal investigations because i guess when you're dealing with a mustachioed bullet bill who's willing to use his discretionary police budget to buy projectile explosives with which to kill the horsemen of the apocalypse all the sentences that start with i can't imagine he'd go so far as to those just get tossed out the fucking window There's no need for any sentence that uses those words in conjunction anymore

And finally tonight From the Atticus Lynch file Notorious reclusive author Harper Lee Winner of the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for To Kill a Mockingbird Has released her controversial second novel A sequel entitled Go Set a Watchman Pulitzer Prize for To Kill a Mockingbird, has released her controversial second novel, a sequel entitled Go Set a Watchman. With over a million copies already sold, this is a huge success for the law firm that controls Lee's estate, which may or may not have published the work against the author's wishes.

Reports on that conflict, but the qui who bonoed was definitely the law firm yeah right and there's no there's no disagreement about the fact that like while she was sane and her brain was working properly she didn't want it decades never published it so fucking sad it's like you know like hitchcock may have filmed himself spanking it at some point but we don't need to see that video just because he directed it if somebody unearths it, especially if it turned out like that his dick was Hitler or had a swastika tattoo on it or something. It'd be a sweet thing, the shot at the beginning where he comes into frame from the side.

So, one reason that Ms. Lee might not have wanted this published is because the theme of Ghosts Set a Watchman in contrast to To Kill a Mockingbird, it basically says if we could just get more Americans to be Christian, get rid of all

this bigotry. Probably not Harper's proudest moment. Well, but in her defense, the real bigots are the Jews and the Chinamen, am I right? This guy knows. Also worth noting, many readers found they preferred Atticus Finch as a great hero of American literature and not so much as a kindly old racist like he's portrayed in this new release.

Yeah. So probably not looking at another Pulitzer. No. But if nothing else, this one will probably go over better with Alabama school libraries than the original. Regardless, we have once again stumbled on a fun new game. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock bigoted sequels that nobody should publish ever go all right all right how about a tale of two inner cities it was the worst of times that's pretty much it yeah just it was just terrible

what about pride and prejudice 2 white people the sequel you could have been describing the new To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah. How about the dick pics of Dorian Gray? Because that's what the homos do, right? Send pictures of their dick pics? Oh, yeah, that's correct. They send each other dick pics of aging British men.

Yeah. In time lapse. That's what they do. So, all right, what about... You look great with that Hitchcock video. I'm sorry. All right, what about the You look great with that Hitchcock video. I'm sorry. All right, what about the Redskins' Badge of Courage? The Autobiography of Dan Snyder.

You pulled that one out at the last second. I thought that was going to be... Stick to your ignorant guns. Or maybe Donald Trump's tale of Depression-era Mexican farmers, The Rapes of Wrath. Topical, well done. Thank you. All right, what rapes of wrath. Topical. Well done. Thank you.

All right. What about Return of the Rodney King? Tolkien black justice. Tolkien black justice. Something like that. Maybe the unbearable lightness of being Mormon. Not delightful enough. Pray harder, motherfucker.

What about The Last of the Mohicans 2? Here, have a casino, now we're even. The second to the last of the Mohicans. Maybe Rip Van Winkle 2? What do you mean we still have Jews? Speaking of the reason there's a rule against Holocaust sequels,

about Sophie's Choice 2. Why would you have two more kids? You had to know this was coming. You had to. What did you think we were going to do? And, of course, no list of bigoted sequels that nobody should publish would be complete if we didn't mention the New Testament. And speaking of which, we've got a babble to get to.

So, with apologies for our collective inability to force fit in a Bill Cosby The Big Sleep joke, we're going to bring headlines to a close. Heath, thanks as always. Jenga! And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to try to scrape a couple more dick jokes out of these damn epistles. The Holy Babble. As we move deeper and deeper into the hard-to-hold-open portions of the end of this book, we find yet more bland and boring letters from Paul, Philippians and Colossians. In fact, if you told me these were actually the same letters as the last two,

but they'd switched the order of the chapters or something, I'd be hard-pressed to dispute it. Even after Paul's first five letters set up the perfect scenario for more identical letters, these two seem to fall flat somehow. It's disappointing. Now, normally I'd spend a few seconds on a quick summary of the books we're about to go over, but since absolutely nothing happens in them, there's nothing to summarize, and I can just skip straight to introducing my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Did they just not have Excedra back then? Really, you could have just ended Romans with Excedra, Excedra, and we could have skipped straight to Revelations and been done with it. Would have been nice. Just check those annals of the King's Judah, you're done. Yeah, exactly. But instead, we're stuck with Paul sitting in a prison somewhere and scrawling out a letter to the Philippians or Philippians.

So at first first it just seems all self-pitying when he whines about being imprisoned for his love of christ but by the end of it it feels a little less like arrogance and a little more like an overzealous effort to say don't believe the people who say i was arrested for stumbling around drunk with my dick right doing the naked marathon i got diverted I don't know what happened There's an inordinate amount Of passive aggressive compliments too Like when he says

I'll send Timothy around To check on you Since nobody on earth Except me and Timothy Give a shit about you Right And then he tells them Oh hey you guys remember

Epaphroditus The guy who With the near fatal Communicable disease That I was telling you about I'm going to send him your way too Make sure you give him a hug and a big sloppy kiss there. Yeah.

Although, I've got to admit, this part came with a rare piece of common-sense advice from the Bible. Paul's basically saying, we've been kind of vague, baiting the pros and cons, but make an official call on this. Don't let any dudes mutilate your penis. Don't do that. We're doing this. Trust me. I used to be a Jew, and that kind of thing can get botched. I've heard.

I've heard of it. It's like a shrimp. Finally put the hamper down on that one. And then he says a lot of confusing nonsense about how great Jesus is, which I was dying for. Just summarize this entire testimony. Yeah, right, right. No, yeah. We've had plenty of that.

But there's also this weird thing where he keeps forgetting that he's supposed to be okay with dying. But there's also this weird thing where he keeps forgetting that he's supposed to be okay with dying. He's not sure if he's going to get killed or whatever for whatever landed him in prison, the naked dick flopping around or the love in Jesus, whichever it was. So he keeps saying shit like, man, I really hope I don't die. And then he's got to backtrack for a few paragraphs. And by that, I mean that I really don't give a shit. And it's totally fine if I die because Jesus in heaven and yada, yada, yada, which will be way better than this life that I'm desperately clinging to.

But, boy, it would be nice to also not die so that I can hang out with you guys again or something. Don't get me wrong. I cannot wait to be tortured and killed. Yeah, of course. Then again, then again. If I skip that stuff, there's no chance I'd be stepping on the Savior's toes. Horrible death is kind of his thing. He doesn't want me to.

It's so hard to decide. And this annoys the fuck out of me Almost all of the moral advice in the epistles Is completely meaningless It's like getting directions from my sister-in-law And they'll just say like Turn at Main Street With no reference to like left, right, north, south Or anything like that

It's like stand firm in the Lord Like what the fuck does that even mean? Keep driving for about 45 minutes. Doesn't matter what speed. Whatever speed. 45 minutes, no matter what. Then take the fork. And when you cross the railroad tracks, it means you're not there yet.

Stop giving me useless information. You've gotten directions from her, too. There's also these parts that read like he's writing to a girl that broke up with him back in high school, but he still hasn't quite taken the hint yet. In chapter 4, verse 10, he says, quote, Indeed, you were concerned for me, but had no opportunity to show it. End of quote. Like, isn't that something they should tell you? Right.

Yes. Isn't that from Paul's end exactly like them not giving a pigeon's turd about him? Yeah, right. Exactly. He's rationalizing it. Not me, it's you. Yeah. And I guess we get to closeizing it. Not me, it's you. Yeah. And I guess we get to close on that little puzzler because that's all Philippians we get.

Yeah, but have no fear because we have way more exact same shit coming up with Colossians. Again, et cetera. That's all we need. Done, guys. So unlike Philippians, there's a lot of debate about the authorship of Colossians. Most biblical scholars agree that the former was actually written by Paul, but the latter has all the hallmarks of a forgery. And there'd probably be a lot more consensus on that if none of the Bible scholars were Christians. Right. Yeah, but I can understand where Christian scholars are coming from.

If Paul didn't write all these letters, the otherwise cogent narrative of the Bible really starts to fall apart. People might have reasons to doubt its veracity at that point. Exactly. So this one starts with the typical several pages of ass kissing we've come to expect from Pauline epistles. But it's a little more passive aggressive than usual. He says a lot of stuff like, ever since we heard about you guys,

we've been praying that you would be smarter than you are now. And I'm sure you'll get there eventually. That's so close. We'll keep praying. It's going to work. And there's also a little sprinkling of like, remember before you were Christians when you were evil and worthless? There's a lot of that in there too. And this is where we learn that God is finally getting a little too senile to fulfill his duties.

So they had to put him in a home, I guess. Therefore, Jesus now has power of attorney over all that old Jewish stuff. Yeah, right. Which, by the way, doesn't count anymore. Never happened. Smart move, legally, that they made there. Yeah, and this has become a big pet peeve for me. And we get it all through the New Testament.

Paul, or whoever's pretending to be Paul for the purposes of this letter, says, Yes, even before you were born, you were sinful and broken, but God has forgiven you. So if I build a porch and the porch collapses, I get to blame the porch, right? Yeah, right, right, exactly. It's not my fucking fault. You, random stranger there, I just decided you owe me a million dollars, and I've also elected to forgive your debt. How awesome am I, huh?

Huh? Forgiving what debt? Exactly. to forgive your debt. How awesome am I, huh? Forgiving what debt? Exactly. Here's your bill. It's about 10% of your lifetime earnings. Yeah, an occasional bull. Also, and this is important, don't be fooled by human ways of thinking.

It actually says that. Yeah, and then we get one of those rare morality bits. Yeah, but it's just more self-evident shit. I'm reading through it thinking you know some poor dude had to carry this letter all the way to colossi or whatever the hell it's called just to remind them that god doesn't like malice evil deeds and greed yeah but if you keep reading you get to the less moral shit signaled by the verse that's currently used to justify marital rape one of the verses that's currently used to justify marital rape. One of the verses that's currently used to justify marital rape.

Now, in fairness, though, that passage also says the wife is allowed to be somewhat resentful, within reason, within reason, about the non-consensual sex. And the husband isn't supposed to take it out on her. Right, yes. Beyond the original raping. Or future raping.

It's nice. There's a little bit of a feminist message coming through. Right. Signs through at the end. Right. But that's just there to warm you up for the full-throated slavery endorsement you get at the end of Chapter 3. Yeah. This is where we get the whole slaves obey your masters even when they aren't looking because God's still watching you,

and he's judging you by how vigorously your enslaved ass is scrubbing those decks. Master paid for those 24 hours, so really be stealing. Technically, according to my 10, you're, yeah, exactly. And it reminds masters to treat their slaves justly because they too have a master in heaven. And at a glance, that sounds kind of good if you accept that you're talking to a slaveholder to begin with or whatever.

But then you start wondering what just means if they're using the guy who drowns whole planets and orders genocide for the you part of the analogy. You know, that makes it a little less impressive. Yeah, significantly so.

And then we close with an entire chapter of love to dad type shit. Yeah. It's over. Done. And here we are, two epistles later

with no new information that we didn't already just read. In fact, there's nothing in this one that we just didn't read in the last one. So yes, somehow the New Testament has found a way to be more repetitive and less applicable than the Old Testament. That is a feat I would have deemed impossible when we finished with Malachi. It's like Paul learned nothing from the Old Testament about pacing. You're going to have a series of extremely boring letters. You're going to need to, you know, pepper in some exciting stuff like census data.

Or at least a talking animal or something. So we're going to mercifully shelve our Bibles for a couple of weeks. This segment will return in three weeks with the last of the Pauline epistles and the anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-penultimate installment of the Holy Babel. I want that shit. Heath Lucinda, thanks again. You're welcome. Love this book. And when we come back, Bryce Blankenagle will be here for the happy ending he promised us last week.

Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church, was a brainwashing occultist, a pathological liar, an unrepentant charlatan, an aspiring dictator, a thief, a bum, a racist, a sexist, a plagiarist, a mystic, a mason, a pederast, a polygamist, a con artist, a convict, a fraud, a thug, a smoker, a drinker, a terrorist, a traitor, a theocrat, and a thoroughly despicable bigot. But was he a murderer? Well, we're going to tackle that question and several others tonight in the exciting conclusion of the Carthage Jailhouse Shootout. And joining us once again this week to finish the twisted tale is Bryce Blankenagle of the Naked Mormonism podcast. Bryce, welcome back. Thank you for having me once again, Noah. So, now, when we last left our anti-hero, he was trapped and hopelessly outgunned. If everyone recalls, of course, somehow despite being locked in a jail, he's armed with a six-shooter and he'd been drinking all day.

Shot rings out from the angry mob below and the jail guards abandoned them. And on that dramatic note, I'm going to hand the narrative back to you, sir. Sounds good to me. Thank you very much. So we have the four gentlemen, Joseph Smith, Hiram Smith, his older brother, William Richards, and John Taylor. So when the mob runs up the door after firing their warning shots, all four of these guys ran to the door to try and hold their shoulders against it to block the intruders or at least impede their progress a little bit. So one musket ball smashed through the latch on the door, probably because the mob thought

that the door was locked. So at this, of course, this freaked all the guys out. And Joe, William Richards and John Taylor continued holding their shoulder against the door. But Hiram, Joe's older brother, ended up kind of backing away from the door while still facing it because I presume he was freaked out. He had the adrenaline pumping. He was about to get killed.

Right. So what ended up happening was one more, the second ball smashed through the center of the door, and it struck true. And this hit Hiram just underneath his left eye and embedded in the back of his skull another ball smashed through the the window from outside from the mob that had gathered outside of their window and struck Hiram on his left flank which tore all the way through his body and hit his pocket watch in his breast pocket shattering it into a thousand pieces. He fell backwards to the floor,

exclaiming, quote, I am a dead man, end quote, and laid on the floor profusely bleeding. His bloodstains remain on the floor of the jail to this day. All right, one down, three to go. Right, so nearing death at this point, another ball crashed through the door

and grazed Hiram's chest and embedded into his head through the bottom of his throat surely dead and motionless by this point a final subsequent ball lodged into his left leg knowing of course that Hiram was dead or soon would be Joe stoically stood up and strode over to the door that was being pushed open by the mob. He pulled out the six-shooter from his pocket and shoved the muzzle of the pistol out the small opening in the door. He snapped off all six chambers, but of course, unluckily, three of them misfired. The three balls that were fired into the mass of bodies in the narrow stairwell

struck flesh, killing two men and wounding another man. Okay, now, I know that the Mormon apologists hotly dispute the claim that he actually killed anybody. stairwell, struck flesh, killing two men and wounding another man. Okay. Now, I know that the Mormon apologists hotly dispute the claim that he actually killed anybody, even though they freely admit that he fired a gun into a crowd of people hoping to kill some of them. So how do we know what we know on this subject? How do we know what happened to these guys? Well, it's kind of tough to tell because we have to take it from a couple of different

sources. But what I would like to do is pull another quote from History of the Church. And when I say History of the Church, this is the church published history that they themselves have recorded and published. So this was recorded in History of the Church, Volume 7, page 102. This was John Taylor's recounting of the situation. Quote, He, meaning Joseph, however, instantly rose, and with a firm, quick step and a determined expression of countenance,

approached the door, and pulling the six-shooter left by Brother Wheelock from his pocket, opened the door slightly and snapped the pistol six successive times. Only three of the barrels, however, were discharged. I afterwards understood that two or three were wounded by these discharges, two of whom I am informed died. So that was John Taylor, an eyewitness and the third prophet of the church. I'm sorry, now, he would have been, just to play devil's advocate,

he would have been a witness to the events, but not to the death of those three men. So he is just recounting what he heard secondhand in that part, right? That is true. However, he also became the third prophet of the church, and it is stated by the church itself that anything that is written by the hand of a prophet is considered to be revelation, divinely revealed from God, and therefore scripture and irrefutable. All right. Well, there you go. Use their own weapons against them. Yeah. And that's what's so easy and great about the history of the church is you can – anything that I talk about in my show or that we're talking about here today is all recounted

in their own history. Right. They can't really dispute it if they themselves are the ones that recorded it. Yeah, it would be nice if we had like Jesus's arrest records. I mean, assuming that Jesus existed, but it would be so nice if we have those kinds of historical records like we have for the Mormons. My guess is if there is such a dude, he wouldn't look much better than Joseph Smith. I'm willing to agree that you're probably right. I mean, because when you hear the Mormons tell this story, you know, Joseph Smith is a martyr

that willingly goes to the jail knowing that he's going to be butchered. That kind of conflicts with the idea of a guy standing at the door and firing three shots down, trying to kill as many people as he can before they come in and shoot him. You know, not exactly what they said.

But I imagine that's probably what really happened with Jesus. You know, whacked a dude's ear off, and then they said, oh, you know, we'll tell him later that you put the ear back on or something. So Joe has just fired his gun into the stairwell. If we believe common sense, he fires three times into a crowded stairwell, probably killed somebody. But if we believe the Mormon account, he's got all the aim of an imperial stormtrooper.

Hiram's bleeding out on the ground. Now, there were two other guys and they were armed, you said, with canes? That's right. ground now what there were two other guys and they were armed you said with canes that's right so actually joe firing his rounds into the crowd caused a momentary uh second for the mob to recoil so um before joe had emptied the gun into the mass richards and taylor had just been using their canes to hit the hands and the guns that were poking through the slightly open door. They were just trying to move the guns and deflect the shots. Right. But this was inevitably a useless effort.

And I love the fact that one of these dudes is hugely fat. I'm sorry, because I know Mormons just look like people of the 1840s, back in the 1840s. But I'm imagining two Mormon missionaries in white buttoned down with the short sleeves and the black – and hitting guns with the canes and whatever way. It's looking like a deleted scene from uh the book of mormon musical i like it we should uh we should petition matt and tracey if they do a little sequel there yeah or a prequel i guess so the next victim of this mob was actually john taylor who we talked about was the third prophet of the church so he had been wildly swinging his cane at the barrels and the bayonets that were, you

know, discharging in the room. And once he realized that resistance was futile, he took advantage of this momentary slowing of gunshots that were entering the room. And of course, he left his post at the door and sprang for the open window. Just as he left his post, there was a ball that was fired from the stairway that crushed through his left thigh that shattered his femur bone. This caused him, in his own words, to lose all control of motor functions to that leg, and he collapsed on the floor right in front of the window, unable to jump out, yet visible

to the mob that was outside. Then there was a ball that was fired from the mob outside that hit Taylor in the chest that actually ended up striking his pocket watch in his breast pocket and froze the hands at 5, 16, and 26 seconds p.m. This is just some slow motion and a few doves away from a John Woo flick. I love it. Okay. Right? So this would have been a kill shot. this just some slow motion and a few doves away from a John Woo flick. I love it. Okay. Right. So this would have been a kill shot,

but the watch luckily diffused the majority of the ball's energy. And this momentarily saved Taylor's life. And of course the energy from the ball threw him back into the room away from the window. So he collapsed, he was collapsed on the floor and two more balls, presumably fired from the stairwell, entered his leg below the left knee

and then one entered his arm, shattering his left wrist and embedding into the fleshy part of his left hand. So he rolled underneath the bed with four musket balls inside of him. While he remained under the bed, he was shot once more. And this ball,

it's kind of graphic how he recounts it, but it passed through his left hip and ripped a large chunk of flesh, quote, the size of my hand, end quote, off of his hip bone. So with Hiram unconscious and bleeding out on the floor and Taylor getting shot into human Swiss cheese, Joe decided to make a run for the window, just like Taylor had tried seconds earlier. Joe, almost in slow motion, I'm sure at this point, dropped the pistol and turned around and ran to the window. So at this point, nobody was trying to hold the door closed. There was Willard Richards, but we'll get to him in a minute. The mob entered the room and they took aim at the fleeing Joe. Joe got to the window and stood with both hands raised to the square on both sides of

his head and yelled, quote, Oh Lord, my God. Right at that point, two balls from the mob in the room entered his back and two from outside entered his chest. Joe collapsed and fell from the second story window onto the ground in front of the mob. He was dead and laid motionless on the ground outside Carthage jail, slain by a painted black face, faceless mob. So let's cut back to the jail cell. Once Joe fell out of the window, the mob inside realized it and they ran down the stairs to make sure that their job was done. Of course, leaving Willard Richards and human sieve John Taylor in the room alone. The 350 pound mass of human shield Willard Richards was the only man in the room that day to leave without a single bullet hitting him.

No shit. Right. Amazing, right? Somehow the other three men in the room were shot to a point that they were scarcely recognizable as the men that they once were. But the ultimate fat ass in the room didn't even get a hole in his jacket from a stray. Well, now that's the only positive thing that we can say about Joseph Smith so farith so far is that at least he wasn't immoral to just immoral enough to just climb behind the fat guy the only i'm trying to find something nice to say about the guy in this story i mean he does die by the end of it yeah fair enough so the fat guy is is trying to make a break for it i can only imagine how he's huffing and puffing yeah he was afraid the mob was going to come back and finish the job so he

tried to leave and taylor that was who was still bleeding under the bed, heard him attempt to leave the room and said, Wait, take me with you, of course. So he ended up covering him with an old mattress to try and hide him from a mob. Richards was convinced that he was going to die at this point, and he was hoping that at least Taylor would be alive to tell his tale. But the cry was soon issued that the Mormons are coming, meaning the Nauvoo Legion and the mob just disbanded. Everybody fucked off.

A little bit late. Yeah, unfortunately. So Richards and Taylor both lived to tell their tale. And John Taylor ended up becoming, like I said earlier, the third prophet of the church after Bloody Brigham in Salt Lake City. I guess the real obvious question to me here is we're talking about a guy who had, like you said, a standing army that damn near rivaled the American regulars at this point. Why weren't they there? That's actually a really good question. We don't know, primarily because Joe had so many fucking enemies.

So many people wanted him dead at the time now there's speculations that brigham young could have been somehow involved the only thing that we can say to that is the whereabouts of brigham young weren't accounted for at the time nor were the whereabouts of jose astout his right hand man so we can kind of speculate and say that maybe there was some connection there. And then we also have the fact that Willard Richards, the only guy that wasn't shot, that ended the entire day completely unscathed, was the cousin of Brigham Young and ended up holding a leadership position in the church.

So there's possible ways to say that Brigham Young might have had some sort of connection with it, but we can't say anything definitively, of course, because Brigham Young was really good at covering his own tracks. Now, I know that the Mormons try to make this sound more like the end of Braveheart than the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but I'm curious how the real history that you've uncovered up to this point compares to what you were taught as a Mormon growing up in the church. Do they tell you at all about the Carthage shootout? Honestly, it doesn't compare at all. I mean, I wasn't told who was trying to kill him. It was just, well, Joseph was arrested because of persecution against the church because people didn't think that he was a real prophet. Then a mob gathered, then they ran up to his jail cell and then they shot him and he fell out of a window.

And that was it. That's all I knew. And you can confront them with it and they'll own up to it honestly and say, yes, well, okay, he did have a pistol that was smuggled in. But they never reveal it right offhand and come by it honestly. You have to ask. You have to dig. You have to know the reality of the situation before you can investigate what they're actually reporting and the veracity of their claims. Yeah, right, because who would think to themselves, well, gee shucks, I wonder if he had a gun in that prison.

Yeah, exactly. Right, and they actually have the gun in their own museum of the Carthage jail. Really? They have the gun itself. They have the watch from John Taylor that's frozen at 5.16 p.m. They have all of the artifacts from that day, but they just don't say anything about it. They're just like, here's a pistol. Here's some clothes with some bloodstains on them that might have been Joseph's.

That's it. Yeah, no, I guess it certainly fucks up the whole martyr tale. And it's also worth noting that this is only one of the many fucked up stories in Mormon history, and I would say by no means the most fucked up one. No. So if you'd like to learn more about the various ways that Scientologists ain't got shit on the Mormons, be sure to check out Bryce's show, Naked Mormonism. You'll find that

on iTunes, Stitcher, and of course linked in the show notes for this episode. Bryce, thanks again for joining us, man. Absolutely. Thank you for having me. It's almost time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. But before we get there, I need to give Heath a chance to respond to a challenge from last week. Because during part one of my interview with Bryce, I made a passing comment about Heath coming up with names for a Mormon brothel, and now it occurs to me that I never actually gave you a chance to do so. All right. I appreciate the chance.

All right. How about Mitt Romney's Binder Grinder? Oh, nice. Or Big Amy's Big Love Shack? All right. Or how about STDCAF, the LD Escort Service? Oh, nice, nice service? Oh, nice. Nice.

Well done, sir. So I got it's sad to consider how close the world came to being deprived of your pun mastery. And with that out of the way, I guess we could do the listener feedback a bit. And away we go. Our first message comes from Jimena, filling us in on some of the backstory about why the Pope is chewing on coca leaves and why that matters. Apparently, she's been an activist in this area for a number of years and wanted to subtly remind us that chewing coca leaves

shouldn't be conflated with snorting cocaine, which sounds like a very reasonable reminder. Well, right. And she granted that we were just like doing it as a joke. But after reading up on some of the racism and shit that surrounds that misunderstanding, it makes a lot of sense to offer a correction. So, no no the pope was not doing lines off the thighs of a bolivian hooker it was more like doing mild adderall off the thighs of a bolivian hooker anyway we also

got an email from asshole who assholes quote i tried to listen to your podcast to see what the other side believes in an effort to be of open-minded. Sick. After five minutes, I guess it's clear that all you have to offer is insults and F-bombs. Religious people aren't stupid, but on the unlikely chance, Sick, that anyone ever listens to your podcast, they certainly would be. End quote.

I think he's a little bit confused. I mean, yeah, way to counterbalance that. Your stupid narrative I had going there, buddy. Exactly. And finally, we got an urgent call to duty from miriam yes we did quote i read an article today that may reveal the thing that you two have been training for your whole life it looks like porn hub is trying to crowdsource a space launch to do zero gravity space porn yep and. And as far as I'm aware, they haven't settled on any titles yet.

Nope. Your time has come. You guys and gal were born for this. End quote. So we'll offer this week's top 10 titles for Pornhub's space porn. Okay. So number 10, the filth element. Just so that Chris Tucker's character can finally fuck somebody

with that hair. You know, if you're going to show up and ruin a whole goddamn movie, at least fuck somebody with your hair, man. Totally redeem it. Yeah.

At number nine, robotic Armageddon on with Sally Ride. Elbow deep impact. Oh, wow. Look, that didn't have enough jokes so you had to throw

one more in. Excellent. Well done. Number eight, the day the girth stood still. So long that we had to call a physician. E.T.'s got E.D. Exactly. At number seven,

sky rockets in flight. Shafterpoon delight. Or number six, guardians gone wild. Because there are no laws about what you can and can't do with a raccoon in space. Think about it, Pornhub. Think about it. At number five, battle Starfish Galactica.

Get some frack in the crack. Or number four, how about Glandra Bullocks in Cavity? Now, I don't want to tell you where the Hubble winds up in this one, because I don't want to spoil the moment, but you'll love it when it happens. At number three, wall ejaculate, the white stuff that caused the Andromeda stain. Nice. And of course, at number two,

we have Christopher Nolan's In Her Cellar. It's basically the same story, but with a brown hole instead of a black one. And at number one, mountain control to Major Dong, a face oddity. Nice. Either take those protein spills or put your

helmet on. It's one or the other. Make up your mind. There's got to be a 2000 Girls One Cup joke in there somewhere, but I just can't reach deep in it enough to fish it out. Damn it. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact

page at ScathingAtheist.com. because there's just no fucking way I could make it through 1,300 pages of this shit. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, on Monday at 8 a.m. Eastern Time. I do believe we will be making a big, exciting announcement at the end of that episode, so you probably want to check that out. Otherwise, you won't know what the big, exciting announcement was. Of course, I just can't call it an episode if I don't thank Heath one more time for always giving us two testicle jokes for the price of one.

I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for lending us her dulcet tones, her coquettish laugh, and her vitriolic dick analogies once again this week. Another big thanks to Bryce Blankenagle of the Naked Mormonism podcast for joining us once again this week. If you haven't checked his show out yet, there's still time to correct that oversight. You'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. I also need to thank Michael of the LC Valley Atheist Alliance on Facebook for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you're looking for another way to dilute the religious bigotry and pro-Confederate flag

shit your racist uncle posts, you'll find a link to his Facebook page on the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most amiable atheists, Kevin, Wendy, Jason, George, Nicole, Aditya, Rachel, Jeff, Lisa, Other Lisa, James, Alex, Bart, Joel, and Andrew. Kevin, Wendy, Jason, George, Other Lisa, James, Alex, Bart, Joel, and Andrew. Kevin, Wendy, Jason, George, and Nicole, who have enough sexual magnetism to levitate a frog.

Aditya, Rachel, Jeff, Lisa, and Other Lisa, whose IQs are higher than the spider that lives in my bong. And James, Alex, Bart, Joel, and Andrew, whose ejaculations have their own tsunami warning designation. Together, these minions of the Dark Lord Satan that pretend not to believe in God so that Alex Jones won't figure out who's eaten all these babies have helped us disinform the public as to our true nefarious intentions this week by giving us money. If you think you've got what it takes to

You too can aid the charade by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist or by making a one-time donation by clicking on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com And if you'd like to help but you won't have any spending money until that Nigerian prince gets back with you you can also help us a ton Thank you. working very hard to earn another hour next week. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Alright. That's why I own my computer. It's for the pointy dicky stuff.