The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 128: Spittoon Full of Fetuses Edition

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

In this week's episode, the Boy Scouts of America will become nominally less bigoted; Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast join us to consider how the Iroquois would've run planned parenthood; and Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will be stop in to badmouth his co-star.

Warning, this episode contains explicit language, even compared to other episodes of this show. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Planned Parenthood's new Zygotes and Wine Store, the Stem Cellar. Are you tired of those judgmental looks you get at the liquor store when you ask for a good fetus pairing? Fed up with similar treatment at the butcher? Then our shop is the place for you. Fed up with similar treatment at the butcher? Then our shop is the place for you. The Stem Cellar. Bargain basement prices.

Preemie yum quality. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, my name's Harley, and I do the intros to the Thomas and the Bible podcast. And I'm here to tell you that previously on Human Evolution, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's July 30th. And news websites have so many pop-up ads now, it's faster to just read the entire source code.

No illusions. I'm Heath Enright, and from pleading malignant Valdosta, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Boy Scouts of America will become nominally less bigoted. Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance join us to consider how the Iroquois would have run Planned Parenthood. And Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will be here to badmouth his co-star. But first, the diatribe. I'll admit that looking for the silver lining of all the Christian movies we've watched is a lot like digging through the mountains of Triceratops shit to find the lilac berries, but if I had to justify the time with something other than a good excuse to get Eli on the show,

I'd approach it from a know-thy-enemy perspective. And before anybody balks at that and sends me a, you know, Christians-aren't-our-enemies email, let me clarify, because the religious people that write this shit aren't the enemies I'm talking about. But one of the biggest obstacles the atheist movement is trying to overcome is the bullshit stereotype of us that Christians have done such a good job of reinforcing. And the screenwriters for this crap give me an unrivaled glimpse of exactly who they think we are, or, if you want to be a little bit more cynical, who they want their audiences to think we are. And honestly, this concept of the God-spurned atheist is probably the most ubiquitous cliché in all of Christian cinema.

In virtually every movie we've watched, if there's an atheist character, he or she got there via cancer or a dead baby. You know, and I only say virtually because in International Gorillas, it was because the atheist wanted to drink the blood of Muslim children in his casino-cum-disco, and in See Me Dance, they didn't bother with shit like Reasons. But with those two exceptions, everyone in every Christian movie that we've seen that doesn't believe in God, A, started off as a believer, and B, gave up on God when he

cancered somebody to death. Now don't get me wrong, that's a really good reason to give up on the notion of God. You know, horrible shit happening to good people is probably the single greatest argument against their basic precept. But I've heard the deconversion stories of scores of former believers, and never once have I heard about somebody giving up on God in the doldrums of a cancer-induced depression. Instead, I hear about people listening to an online debate, or losing an argument, or reading a book, often the Bible. And yet not once in a Christian movie have I ever seen an atheist who decided not to believe in God because it doesn't make any fucking sense.

Instead, they create these elaborate stories of heartbroken abandon at the feet of an unanswered prayer. And if you think about it, that's ultimately a lot more damning since they can't actually explain why God kills innocent people's innocent babies with cancer during the movie. So voluntarily introducing it actually works against you if your goal is to reinforce a belief in God. What's more, they could just as easily avoid this fatal flaw in their worldview by writing an atheist character that just read books. I mean, doesn't that fit right into their arrogantly second-guessing God-on-account-of of them college thinkings narrative? So it would make sense to use that, at least occasionally. But even in God's Not Dead, where the evil atheist actually is a college professor,

the writers feel the need to explain away his atheism with a cancer-stricken mother. Now, think about this. If their goal was simply to explain the existence of an atheist in such a way that they could fix by the end of the movie, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to give them purely intellectual reasons to doubt, and then you toss in a miracle at the end to shatter their materialistic worldview. And yet every single one of these writers decides to introduce the problem of evil into their script with no chance of reconciling it. So let's step back for a second and ask why. Why do they cling to this jilted-by-Jesus version of the atheist

like a 12-year-old boy holding his first tit? Well, to answer that question, we have to consider what purpose the atheist in the Christian movie is serving. And by and large, they're not actually there to represent atheists. More often, they exist in the script to personify the doubt of the Christian who's watching the movie. And why does the Christian doubt? Well, it's obviously not because they read books and watched debates and delved deeply into the counter-apologetics, because if that was the case, they wouldn't be Christians anymore. More often, the seed of doubt gestating in the Christian brain is the problem of evil. That one's unavoidable. You know, they've been trying to

puzzle this shit out since Job, and they still haven't come up with a valid excuse. And this makes perfect sense if you think about how these fictional atheists find God by the end of the movie, and they always do. Again, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to just write in a miracle. I mean, when you're writing a script, there's actually an omnipotent presence. So you could just have an angel part the fucking skies and tell the atheist he was wrong if they had the budget for it. But instead, the atheist always forgives God and accepts Jesus for purely emotional reasons, usually fear, right? They don't actually attempt to harmonize their contradictory worldview. They just run over the atheist with a car so that he can succumb to the fear of the unknown and hedges bets quick before he dies. But of course,

that's only part of the answer. The other part is that they need to paint the world of the atheist as a miserable one marred by cancer and dead kids. After all, if they didn't portray us as being unhappy, we would just be the only people in the movie they get to masturbate guilt-free. So much like the ridiculous image of the miserly old rich person burdened by all the unhappiness that comes with limitless wealth, this bullshit fabrication allows the Christian to walk away from the movie saying, yeah, them atheists might look like they're having fun with all that fornicating and sleeping in on Sundays, but deep down, they're just disguising their dead cancer baby misery. And of course, the more counterexamples Christians come across in their day-to-day life, the more of these fictional caricatures they need to create in order to

balance it out. So the next time you're thinking about holding your tongue, right, the next time you're in one of these social circumstances where the correct answer is, I'm an atheist, but the easy answer is, uh, how about them Yankees, huh? Consider that the very faith of the people that you're talking to might be contingent on the notion that all atheists are miserable people with dead cancer babies. Consider that you might be the only counterbalance in their life to Kevin Sorbo. Or, if nothing else, just consider that the more happy atheists they meet, the more of these stupid fucking movies they're going to have to make. After all, an excuse to get Eli on the show more often should be the only excuse you need. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who is literally tied with Lindsey Graham in the GOP presidential primary polls, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to form an exploratory committee? Funny you should say that. Exploratory committee was the name of my first hamster. It's actually conjoined twins. You know what?

If I got the Ant-Man costume, the first thing I would do is crawl around in my hamster's ass just to return the favor a bit. First thing, huh? Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, yeah, I think so. In our lead story tonight, the Boy Scouts of America voted on Monday to lift their ban against gay scout leaders, though they stopped short of taking an actual moral stand by adding an available only at participating locations stipulation. Of course they did. Local chapters maintain the right to discriminate, provided that they have a sincerely held hatred of gays that's backed up by an invisible dude in the sky. So basically, they changed their rules just enough to stave off pending discrimination

suits in New York and Colorado. Right. Or in other words, they didn't change the rules. And really, also discrimination suits in New York and Colorado can be dismissed for really stupid reasons. Because when you make a new rule with the only exception being the people that really want to break it, that's nothing. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

And yet, despite the lack of substance, the Mormon Church said publicly that they're considering leaving the group altogether, calling this latest decision yet another example of gays encroaching on traditionally heterosexual pursuits like ascot wearing and sleeping in tents with other men. ascot wearing and sleeping in tents with other men. So like their previous half measure to let gay kids in, but then boot them out when they turned 18, this compromise has managed to stop short of equality while simultaneously pissing off all the bigots. Well done, guys. Great job. You found that fine line where everyone thinks you're wrong. Right.

Stupid, but still impressive in a way. They're getting really good at that. Yeah. Of course, the response of the LDS was just one of the many overreactions to this decision and by no means the most offensive to up the ante we're going to turn to gordon oh my fucking god this guy's an elected official klingenschmitt who warned his viewers to get their kids out of the boy scouts quick before they're forcibly sodomized quote they're going to promote homosexual men to mentoring and camping with your boys in the woods and it will lead to child abuse i'm just saying end quote what the fuck do these homophobic lunatics think is happening okay kids

now we're all gonna tie our dicks together in a bowling knot okay good now a sheep shank really especially with the chodes on those mormon kids give me a fucking break but in a valiant effort to make a moderate out of Dr. Schaps, conservative pundit and freelance bigot Theodore Shoebat penned a column in response to the move, which warned that this would, quote, transform the scouts into a Nazi-like gay youth club who can be used as soldiers against Christianity. End quote.

First of all, what a bunch of pussies are christianity a bunch of boy scouts can take them out great movie follow the fucking logic here the christian youth group is coming after the christians at the head of an army of gay kids with extraordinary not tying seals now of course this asshole's remedy to the nazi tendencies of gay boy scouts is to suggest murdering all the gay people that would would do it. Because I guess sometimes the only way to avoid a Nazi-like Holocaust is by killing all the people that are inferior to you. And from the anal P-robes file tonight, host of the 700 Club and guy who sipped from the wrong grail Pat Robertson got Bernie Lomaxed onto the set for another episode on Monday,

during which he fielded a question about murdering Supreme Court justices with surprisingly little FBI involvement. Right. After being asked why God didn't punish the majority opinion holders in the Roe v. Wade decision, Robertson responded, quote, you'll have to ask God why he didn't kill them. Well, and he sort of laughs off the question a little. It's like, how the hell do i know ask god this shit and that's got to leave the person who asked this question feeling like such a piece of shit i mean this is a man who offered a serious tredis on the proper demon cleansing

procedures for secondhand sweaters and he thinks your question is silly that's got to stick it in and break it off i would think so first let let's talk about this Christian viewer with the question who accidentally presented the argument from evil against the existence of God. Right. On Pat Robertson's show. So this guy thinks there's an almighty God who hates abortion. And given that information, he's wondering why God didn't kill the justices after they legalized the procedure. That's the hole in the story for this guy. Like no confusion about why God didn't just stop all the babies from getting murdered,

but lots of confusion about the glaring lack of anvils and pianos landing on justices later for spite to make up for all the baby killing that continues happening in the scenario he's suggesting right so like in a twisted sort of way he's created the argument from lack of evil so back to the uh back to the p-robes response oh please first he gets stumped by the unintentional atheist challenge and basically says yeah i have no idea why god didn't kill a few of those heathens during reagan or the bushes you're right that makes no fucking sense assuming the god of the bible is real that makes no fucking sense oh it's a scratcher then after a long awkward pause and a brief seizure of cognitive distance robertson came to and went on to explain how roe v wade was rigged by planned parenthood

as a scheme to increase their not for profits i guess yeah and he finally capped it off by recycling the margaret sanger black genocide conspiracy of course he did but of course you can always reach a little deeper in the anal p robes file and pull out something a bit more grisly so in an effort to one-up himself host of the 700 club and man with extraordinarily fuckable under gel pat robertson also sounded off on the awesome new baphomet statue the satanic temple recently unveiled in detroit should be a genre at porn sites i'm sure it is somebody will send it to us rule 34 the statue which stands as a potent reminder that the dark lord satan could be coming to an unconstitutional ten commandments display near you was unveiled over the weekend amid the kind of pageantry that

folks like p robes love to get their balls in a shiver over yeah it's fantastic how this works christians trying to violate the first amendment they keep getting foiled because they're terrified by a magical demon that they invented right yeah exactly so reacting to the group's intent to place the statue near an illegal religious display at the Arkansas Statehouse, Robertson wondered what the difference was

between erecting a large statue and publicly murdering babies. Great question. Seriously, he went straight to baby murder. And not even in like a hyperbolic euphemism for abortion kind of way.

Like literal baby murder. Yeah, exactly. Run-of-the-mill garden variety baby murder quote could we be sacrificing our babies to some heathen god is there something that we are going to be having ritual sacrifice on the state house lawn in some states that's the actual quote sick and just to make sure that his grammar fully matched the insanity of his subject he then switches to a rare use of the topological tense of retroactively future participle. Quote, are we going to be allowing this to happen? End quote.

That's right, B-Robes. It's a tough situation that you won't not begin to be allowing already. Or something like that. Now, as crazy as his rant was up to this point, it actually takes a turn for the worse because after he wondered how long it would be before we started slitting the throats of babies in public squares, he added, quote,

and while we're doing it, it meaning the baby murdering, we'll be having polygamy and polyamory, end quote. And that might not seem as insane at first blush, but if you think about it, what this means in practice is that P-robes could walk up on a public infant sacrifice and say, well, at least it's a monogamous crowd of baby murderers. Guys, this could be a lot worse. And from the God Squad file tonight,

while watching a recent episode of Outnumbered on Fox News, as I often do when Pornhub's servers go down, I was pulled out of my normal conservative lesbian orgy fantasy by a rare glimmer of sanity from one of the panelists. You don't say. During a discussion of the Stone County Sheriff's Office in Missouri that put In God We Trust stickers on all its vehicles, token liberal Julie Roginski actually voiced her

support for atheist rights and the separation of church and state on fox no shit which point several large record needles were violently lifted right rest of the panel just stared at her in abject horror for several seconds before scrambling quickly to distance themselves from the heathenous remarks they had just heard. Well, and it's not like she didn't see this overreaction coming, because before she even said it, she's preemptively apologizing. She's like, look, I know this is Fox News.

I'm sorry in advance for making sense, but the First Amendment hasn't been revoked yet. So here's the statement from Rzynski that caused the panic. Quote, separation of church and state means if you want to put in God we trust on a bumper sticker and put it on your car, great. Sure. Don't put it on my money. Don't put it on government property. Take it out of the Pledge of Allegiance. Amen.

And quote, upon hearing this, I transitioned from masturbation to a slow clap for only the second time in my life as far as i remember and of course by your second clap the uh peanut gallery around her had already chimed in with an argumentum ad antiquitatum and ad veracundium and ad populum a couple ad hominems and a retort so fucking bizarre that latin fallacy namers never could have seen it coming indeed the sanity did not last for long no in response to reginski's blasphemy andrea tantaros shot back quote well how do you think they purchased the police cruisers with monopoly money end quote what if you're confused don't worry that's totally normal that did not make any sense oh good as far as i can tell though she was trying to make the point that it already

says in God we trust on our money, and I guess therefore all things purchased with money are sovereign Christian property not subject to the First Amendment. Obviously. That's when I finished on Andrea's face and went to sleep. Which, by the way,

freaked the fuck out of everybody else in the waiting room. These people are so repressed here. And quick, before anybody starts wondering what Heath and I were doing at that pediatrician's office in the first place, I'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This week in Massage. We've got a long and proud tradition of calling stupidity out when we see it on this show. And I suppose I shouldn't make any exception when I see feminists being stupid. So let me add my voice to the growing chorus of people telling feminists to fuck off about Richard Dawkins' latest controversial tweet. If you haven't heard about it, here's the tweet in its entirety. Quote,

Islam needs a feminist revolution. It will be hard. What can we do to help? End quote. That's it. And apparently that was enough to earn dozens of headlines chastising him for mansplaining and telling Muslim women what they do and don't need.

And to this, I simply say, fuck off. Look, this is as vanilla a statement as can be made. Of course, Islam needs a feminist revolution. Even in the US, Muslim women generally aren't allowed to sit with the men. In the UK, Muslim women are having their clits hacked off in the name of their religion. There's nothing at all sexist about pointing that out, whether or not you have testicles. But the worst thing about it is that it wouldn't take a hell of a lot of digging to find some genuine sexism to relevance. Here are three examples that I dug up the same day that Dawkins was under attack for phantom sexism. How about we start with Cheryl Rios, the CEO of Go Ape Marketing in Dallas. She appeared on CNN last week to explain that a Hillary candidacy

isn't viable due to hormones and biblical precedent. And while she tried her damnedest to couch it in a bunch of this is just my personal opinion talk, when you say, quote, with the hormones we have, there's no way we should be able

to start a war, end of quote. We all know it's just your personal opinion and we also know you're an idiotic bitch. Or how about we turn to a historian making Braveheart look accurate? David Barton appeared on one of the three media outlets with low enough standards to have David Barton on this week. He was there to offer up his opinion of the Treasury Department's decision to replace Alexander Hamilton's likeness on the $10 bill with that of a female to be announced. After a few minutes of random whining about how this is yet another attempt to erase our history, Barton went on to claim that having a woman on the money would denigrate the Treasury Department and, by extension, the entire economic system of the United States. Because how can

people take money seriously if there's no implied penis connected to it? But shit, Barton's rambling sound tame compared to World Net Daily columnist and person who makes Prometheus want to take back the fire, Patrice Lewis, who wrote a column this week urging parents not to let those damn feminists sacrifice their children to the sex gods. Seriously, her words. In the column, she explains that feminists, in an effort to, quote, justify their slutty behavior, end quote, are trying to turn little kids into fuck machines so that they'll look chaste in comparison. But don't worry, it's about more than just

justifying our own sluttiness. The more preteens we can impregnate, the more fetuses we can sell on the black market as well. So I just want to add a dose of perspective. After all, it's not like this is an exhaustive list of all the stuff people said publicly that was way more sexist than Dawkins' tweet. Of course, to be fair, there certainly wasn't a unified feminist voice of condemnation against Dawkins, and the dude has said some pretty sexist shit in the past. But when you attack a person for asking how he can help support the feminist cause, I think you've lost sight of the line between your friends and enemies.

Before you know it, you'll be sacrificing babies to sex gods. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in hyperbully pulpit news tonight, South Carolina pastor and constipated version of Charles Grodin, Danny Banks, gained a bit of YouTube notoriety last week when he compared sex ed to giving your kids rattlesnakes to play with and not because rattlesnakes are dick shaped. Now, like, honestly, if that was his reasoning, this guy would have just ousted Pastor Manning as my new favorite pastor.

But alas, he employed the analogy because like rattlesnakes, comprehensive sex ed will murder you with venom, which honestly is only true if you sneak up on sex ed without it seeing you first or if you come across a whole bunch of sex eds after murdering an Indian in End of Act 2. I think he's a little confused. Yeah, a little. In his analogy, the rattlesnakes are dicks and vaginas, right? I guess. So we already have the venomous fanged genitals. And this guy is suggesting sex ed classes

that tell kids there's no such thing as rattlesnakes until you're married. Yes, exactly. Which is borderline homicidal. Right, that's just the thing. Believing that teaching kids about sex is what makes them fuck is as stupid as believing that teaching them about gravity

is what makes them fall human beings start fucking with their junk in utero but but never mind the mountains of data that prove that students who get abstinence-only education instead of comprehensive sex ed are more likely to start fucking young and less likely to avoid pregnancy and stds when they do his pre-scientific book of goat herder morality says don't tell them about their dicks right between the part about murdering Amalekites and the price floor on rape victims. And I guess that's all the evidence this asshole needs. Speaking of assholes. And in Godwin Trump's the Donald news tonight.

Yes, he does. and guy who really wishes he never let that Jared Fogle of politics nickname catch on, Mike Huckabee, finally got some attention last week by invoking the Holocaust during his critical remarks of the recently announced nuclear deal with Iran. Quote, this president's foreign policy is the most feckless in American history. It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven, end quote. Wow. He also may have added, what? It's a fucking roast, assholes. The oven, Hux, really? Like, okay, first of all, what's the point in investing

all this money in this big-ass nuclear program if you were going to use an oven, right? That doesn't make, oh, you're going to use a nuclear oven. And secondly, Obama's foreign policy is not factless. It's got all kinds of fact. It's just this is like it's nature. Black guys have way bigger effects than white guys. That's just science. That's proven shit.

I've got to assume Huckabee just finally snapped after getting upstaged and outpolled by a racist billionaire for the last two months. I guess, yeah. Every single time I try to make a wildly ignorant public statement about gay people, fucking Donald Trump jumps in front of my camera and like rapes a Mexican or something. I never get any airtime. Well, thanks to the Nazis, that's not going to be a problem this week. I got this. Whoop-de-doo.

He said Mexican rapists. Pay attention to me. Holocaust. Bloody freaking dumb. I say gay people are child rapists constantly that's what i say when people sneeze they sneeze and i say gay people fuck kids who the hell's this johnny come lately so so here's the scary part to me it looks like huckabee actually thought he was gonna maybe win over some jewish voters with this one yeah which probably

means he's less bigoted than some have claimed, but also means he's even crazier than we thought, if that's possible. This guy wanted to express just how pro-Israel he is. And he said to himself, you know what would really get these Jewish people to rally behind me? A Holocaust reference. Right. Shows I know the whole thing wasn't a hoax.

It shows I think obama is similar to hitler they love that kind of stuff especially from christian fundamentalists with world leader ambitions yeah oh yeah exactly the type of thing they love the jewish people and finally tonight and i'm perking at your loving it news we have yet another story of a hyperbolic asshole freaking out on a planned parenthood with, dark conspiracy theories that completely ignore all the wonderful benefits of widely accessible birth control. So to remind everyone why not procreating is often very important, we've invited Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance over to cover the story with us.

Tom, Cecil, welcome back, guys. Hey, thank you. Hello, gentlemen. Thank you. All right. Now, before we actually get to this story here, this is the first time we've had you guys on the show since we had a chance to meet at ReasonCon. And I'm sorry if I'm giving away trade secrets here. But, Tom, you are nowhere near as obese and slovenly as you let on on your show.

And Cecil, how you been, man? You think the Bears are going to be any good this year? I don't think they are. Yeah, I do. John Fox, baby. Yeah, well, they pay their quarterback enough money to run for the GOP nomination, so you gotta figure he's pretty damn good. He made the Forbes list with his last contract. All he needs to do is grow his hair out and fold it over.

That'll do the trick. So just one other thing before we get started. I'd like to go on record and say that I think you guys smell delightful now there was some confusion on this we discussed this you know your collective aroma after getting a listener question about it and i feel like my words might have gotten twisted around so i just want to make that clear and also ask you how would how would you guys describe your your olfactory motif you know as a show rich Rich mahogany. Well, I'm actually glad you said that because the eau de pig farm doesn't come cheap. I do like to apply in layers as well.

He has to travel all the way to Indiana to get those. I just roll around in the air. It's thick enough. Yeah, no shit. Head south to Decatur. You can get it there, too. Oh, yeah, you can. All right, so let's turn to phony Tony here.

So Tony Perkins was interviewing Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker on his Washington Watch radio program last week. And I think it's worth reflecting for at least a second on how depressing it is that voluntarily conversing with Tony Perkins isn't enough to end a presidential candidacy. Nope.

Sadly, no. I mean, well, Rand Paul, he's been on Alex Jones' show, hasn't he? And he's still... No. I believe he has. Come on. I'd be more surprised if he hadn't than if he had, but I could be wrong on that one. So I'll double check.

What I think all the voters would have to do is realize that. Be like, who's on Alex Jones? Fucking, I will fucking i'm switching parties yeah i'll tell you that's it done i'm switching genders you know what all of a sudden i like black people all right so during this uh ill-advised interview perkins opines on why it is that planned parenthood opposes the 20-week abortion ban And it turns out it has nothing whatsoever to do with their ideologically consistent stand on bodily autonomy. It's actually because the 21-week-old fetus bits, that's the good stuff.

That is like the product of aborted baby bits. So they're trying to make sure as many women as possible wait until they have the nice juicy fetuses that they can then sell. At 21 weeks, it's dry-aged babies. Yeah, absolutely. It's like an avocado, right? Like, you know, if you pick them too early, they're kind of hard and just lumpy. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll still eat the baby, but I wouldn't enjoy it as much. At like 21 weeks, that's when you get the marbling. Right. If the thing is, if you pull them early and they're not ready, then you got to put them in that brown paper sack for a while. Oh, no. No, that's terrible. But if you stick a couple of bananas, it does.

I mean, they ripen much faster. Just keep the dog away from it. If they're old enough to suck their own thumb, they're tenderizing it for you in advance, which is nice. And I think that comes around 20 weeks. So, here's the problem, though, with early-term

abortions, in my opinion. Here's the problem. The fetuses just don't have enough skin yet. You know, you could stretch it out, but that's what, like one more lamp shade? Maybe you get a shade for like a nightlight going, a nice little pop filter, or something that the profit margins are almost non-existent is what i'm saying so the 20 week rule it's just not realistic for the economy well they don't even hold a decent

tattoo you know i mean if you're practicing you pull them out and it's just the pen goes right through the skin's translucent it's no good together though it's a good dip like a caviar dip for a chip but yeah it's you've got to abort a lot of babies. Speaking of dip, if you get them small enough, you can tuck the whole thing into your lip. I think you finally found a way to get the people in Georgia in favor of abortion right there. I think that might just be what it's going to take. Oh, God, it's a spittoon full of fetuses. Why did we agree to do this?

I think you may have just named our episode, though, the spittoon full of fetuses edition. I think that's good shit right there. Oh, Jesus. You know what they're getting? They referenced that person who did the, when they pulled up the video and they sort of like did that gotcha. Yeah, the Center for Medical Progress. They call themselves. Yeah, they're referencing that video.

And what I wonder about that is that all these people, they seem like people who just have no idea that science happens. They have no idea how it happens or what happens they just they're just like if they were to walk into a lab and there's like a fucking cat that somebody drilled electro drilled electrodes into their head they'd be like what what there's electrodes in their head what the right right you know and they would flip the fuck out but you're like wait no this is i mean there's people doing science with things that you know some people may find distasteful but they're you know they're given freely they're you freely. It's like donating part of your body and organs and blood and all the shit you can donate to science.

Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you give this stuff up? Well, I just feel like when I hear about this stuff, I just feel like this gets back to my Native American roots. I mean, you use the whole buffalo. So if you're going to kill the baby,

you've got to use the whole thing, right? Yeah, throwing it out seems like a lot worse to me responsible but there will be a crying indian somewhere right just if there's just like a fucking land full full of dead babies that's a waste that's all i'm saying there's like an indian stand there with one single one rugged cheek and then he's walking out there with a bag of Tostitos or something, too. But isn't this, though, getting mad at the kid who sat at your lunch table who's like, you're going to eat that, bro? You're going to eat that, bro?

You're going to eat that? Right, right. It's not his fault that his parents were on welfare. You know what I mean? He's like, come on. Fucking waste not, want not. But I think you really have hit the nail on the head, though, with what's disturbing people so much about this video. Because you have this woman, she's at dinner, and she's cavalierly talking about some pretty brutal shit. But if you invited a couple of morticians to have dinner and started talking shop with them,

would people say, oh my God, we can't have people dressed up after they die anymore because this is really gross? Yeah. I mean, that's the is really gross. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the job, right? Like, you know, her job, that black humor, the morbid sense of humor that comes from working in an industry that's like this, like it's to be expected. It's almost like they're atheist podcasters. The other thing, too, that they're not they're not taking into account is all the, you know,

the sort of cute stuff. Like, how adorable is that tiny little bathtub it will fold with ice you have to put the fetus in when you take the kidneys it is so cute it is it is just and when they wake up with one of them missing the look of surprise bronze their little bucket yeah hold on to it for a while just by the way just a quick tip for you guys i'll be honest um i've been finding that i like you were talking about the marbling and the aging i actually i like it a little bit even more aged than we're talking about the other day i ate a sid's victim and it was just delicious absolutely delicious no seriously i mean the

steak's a little tougher but but it has a gamier flavor that's growing on me. You know what I'm saying? If you braise that, it's just going to fall right off the bone. Maybe, yeah. Maybe it's the cooking method. There was probably a lot of people just listening to this interview and going, I hope that's not all the baby eating jokes we get. I hope they're not done with the baby eating.

They haven't moved on to serious shit already, have they? No, no. We can't be done with baby eating. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No, I think we had moved on to the shit already, have they? No, no. We can't be done with baby eating. Yeah, exactly, exactly. No, we were, I think we had moved on to the- I'm not even full. They're little guys. They're only 20 weeks.

They're like fucking hors d'oeuvres at this point. It's like a smart one. They're more like a veal hors d'oeuvres. They live their whole life in captivity. They never see the sun. Then, boom, they're out and it's game time. You know? I'm really glad we went back for that.

I really am. So no, we were talking about this video that had all the editing veracity of an Adam Reeks interview. That wasn't an insult, by the way, if you've never listened to Adam's show. I was being nice here. But basically, they take a woman who's very clearly saying over and over and over again, no, we can't sell fetus parts because that's horrible and unethical and illegal. But we do need to be compensated for storage and for transport and everything. And then when they're done with it, it makes it sound like she's trying to fill her swimming pool with fucking placentas.

At like $10 a pop or something. It's not as crazy as it sounds, though. Placentas make a nice little serving tray in the pool. Pull them out a little bit. It's like a floating beer koozie. There's a lot of things you can do with it. But this whole justice by candid camera thing is getting really big for the right wing folks. They saw it bring down acorn, and now they're baiting bigger fish with it.

But they don't like it if it's police brutality, by the way. No, not at all. If it's a police dash cam or something, it's like, wait a minute. That's unethical to take those guys. Those police need their privacy. When there's 12 dudes beating a fucking pregnant pregnant black woman, like we need to make sure we don't videotape that. Right.

Yeah. I love how Cecil was laughing at the setup on that. You hadn't even got you. You just said, you know, 12 cops beating up on a pregnant black woman. And he's like, this is already fucking hilarious. You don't even need a punchline. I thought the visualization was funny. But not in a racist way.

No, no. in an abortion way. Yeah. They could have been Mexican cops. But not Asian. I mean, come on. That's ridiculous. They would never. It would be karate chopping and whatnot.

They'd probably use some kind of jujitsu on her. So just be frozen and shit in place until somebody comes and hits the exact right spot with their fingers or something. Yeah, right in the neck. Yeah, exactly. The fight's over, though. Well, and the great thing is if it was a pregnant black woman and she miscarried, you could sell the fetus for money. Right back around full circle, bitches. Bam.

Well done, sir. That's how the pros do it. Now that we've sufficiently warmed everyone up to the topic of repurposing zygotes, I think it's time for the job creation segment of the show. Scott Walker will love it. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the aftermarket fetus retailer.

Go. Word is that Dyson is looking for fetuses he can use to test overpriced but admittedly ergonomic abortion vacuums. Flobby Corporation responded by saying, we've been putting blades in vacuums for years. What about using it for like the rennet in cheese? You could call it embryo. Oh, nice. And it's got this sort of nutty flavor.

And the best part is the cheese only has to age eight weeks. Zygote cheese. I love it. I was thinking more like a less healthy snack, like fetus pieces from the makers of Good and Placenti. Same guys. Maybe some cracked baby Ruth. Yeah, exactly.

Nice. My first thought, honestly, was live-action Muppet Babies, something like that. Oh, God. You know, the rumors are that there's a sexist fast food giant that's looking for all male fetuses six months and older for their signature dish, the big boy. If we're going to stay with

junk food, Dunkin' Donuts can have something, say, like the underdone bun in the oven. Nice. It tastes so good, it'll send you off into the blastosphere. Oh, nice. Well done, sir. I believe honey nut embryos are fortified with zygote now, too.

Honey nut embryo. That's healthy. I was thinking like an online retailer, like preemibay.com or like Amazon Preem. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, exactly. Delivery before you know it. Delivery before you know it. You didn't even want it this early.

Salads at certain chic liberal restaurants now have hearts and palms rather than hearts of palms. Oh. A little crunchier. Well, if you're going fancy, you could flavor, say, consomme. Call it consomme consomme. And it's stork-flavored condensed soup. Nice. Oh, okay.

All right. I get it. How about tartar baby Baby, the other dragon? Well, we're going fancy. And I was thinking we could also use them for toys as well, maybe embryo-yos. Each pack, we'd have to put two replacement umbilical cords, though, because they're going to snap.

Get the cord blood out of there first, though, because that shit's valuable look i'm gonna make it sleep i'm gonna make it sleep check this out there's uh we you know you could go into the supplement market uh eating for one a day vitamins although eating for one a day could be a good name for like a chewable day after pill too. Totally different 30 seconds. Speaking of which though, I was thinking of something like Plan B,

Jay's Wholesale Club. Fetuses by the power. Easier than a truck full of bowling balls for a whole bunch of reasons. Oh no. All right, I've got one last one. This is my last one.

I've got Abortin Morton's Coathanger Kebabs, like a restaurant chain. Oh, shit. Bad. The coat hanger made its appearance. I was waiting for the coat hanger. Yes, absolutely.

You just got to use the same one like five or six times. You've got a kebab right there. I'm picturing like Survivor Man with a bunch of crickets on one of those. You know, he's roasting them over a fire. Oh, God. You got to eat like 70 of these things to get a full meal. It's outrageous. There's not as much meat on them as you'd think.

All right, I got one more. I got one more. How about Distilled Birth Moonshine Company? Distilled Birth Moonshine Company. World's first fetal alcohol syndrome. Delicious. That was outstanding. That was great.

Well done, sir. All right. Well, I think the embryo investors have plenty of options there, so I guess we're going to close the headlines there.

Tom Cecil, thanks so much for joining us again, guys. Hey, our pleasure, man. Thanks for having us. And Heath, thanks as always. Yahtzee! And when we come back, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will be here to do the same interview, basically,

that he did on Tom and Cecil's show last week. Pretty much the same thing, except for this time it's going to rhyme. So it's going to be an hour of cereal, that's what... So it's going to be an hour of cereal. 2010 was a much simpler time. Christopher Nolan was still batting 1,000. The covert implementation of martial law in Texas was still just a twinkle in Obama's eye, and a bright-eyed young Thomas Smith was just cracking open the KJV to set out on a journey that he began regretting immediately. Thomas's

struggle through the perpetual doldrums of the Bible are documented on his podcast, Thomas and the Bible, which reached an important milestone this month. After more than five years of begats, shouts, and is-it-not written in the annals of the kings of Judas, he's finally made it through the Old Testament and into the less circumcised parts of the Bible. And in celebration of that fact, he rejoins us tonight. Thomas, welcome back. Hi, hi. How are you doing? I'm doing really well. How about yourself? Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. All right. So I guess the important question after you're now through the Old Testament is, what would be the worst thing that you'd be willing to stick your dick into to avoid reading the Old Testament is, what would be the worst thing that you'd be willing to stick your

dick into to avoid reading the Old Testament again? Probably like a priest's mouth, I guess. Just to go with it on theme. Yeah, no, it's that bad. And there's another big milestone. You talked about, you know, milestone of finishing the Old Testament. I had a big milestone last episode. It was, let's see if I get this right. It was one episode without wanting to kill myself. So it was like a big milestone. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah. No, you know how those, you have those signs that like, you know, days until last accident or days since last accident. I had that and it was at one, which is a good, it's pretty good. Days since last suicide contemplation. So that was the wrap up episode you did where you weren't actually reading any Bible. Exactly. So I guess technically it would be, it would be two.

I don't know. Either way, it's a record, whatever it is, whether it it be one or two it's a new record since wanting to blow my head off so that's pretty that was a big milestone i just want to make sure you got that yeah yeah absolutely that's something to celebrate so okay let's fire up the delorean here we're going to send you back to the day before you started this project and let you talk to yourself what advice would you give to 2010 thomas oh well i i, I would tell myself, don't try to do the one a day schedule. That's not going to work. I don't know, buddy, who you are kidding with that, but that one Bible episode a day schedule is not going to last. So that would be the first thing.

But other than that, just good luck, man. I don't know. Right. I don't know what else I could say. So now after reading the Old Testament, would you say that, like, do you think it would be more surprising to the average Judeo-Christian or to the average atheist? That's an excellent question. And I would, you know, honestly, as a cop-out, I'd kind of say it would be a tie, you know, because I think you'd have a certain number of Christians who had read it just because they were forced to.

And you also have some atheists who were big believers and went through it and learned about it. But I think the majority of both groups is people who think they know what's in it, but they have not gone through what I've gone through. not gone through what i've gone through i mean they have not gone through the just the victimization just the full-on just just assault on my mind you know they haven't gone through that and you can tell because so many of them say things like now don't get me wrong it's a great work of literature but and you know those motherfuckers have never read past Genesis. I mean, it really isn't even, oh, it's an interesting piece of literature. It's just ramblings. It's ramblings of idiots that are not even very – one of my favorite things in the Bible is this thing that sort of is quote-unquote poetry or quote-unquote imagery. Maybe you know what I'm talking about having gone through it on your show where they – God will like describe – it will either be a dream or God will like say, hey, look over there. Tell me what you see to somebody.

And they'll be like, why? There's a tree and it has three branches and one of the branches is a little discolored. And then the – like they'll just go for hours on this and then God will say, yeah, well, that plum represents Israel. And it's because you're, you guys are not doing what I'm saying. So you're not, you're falling off the vine. And it's like, it's so pointless. It's like, it's something they thought back then was poetry or something. But all you did was describe exactly what you're going to say next, but replace like the nouns, you know,

instead of Israel, it's plum, instead of this prophet, you know, it's like, it's pointless. It does nothing. Well, right. So it's like, it's like you give me the analogy and then you give me the exact literal interpretation of the analogy.

It's like, why did I need the fucking analogy then, bro? Precisely. And it illuminates nothing. It's not in any different language either. It just is exactly that, except, oh, replace the following words with the following other words. And it's not even like he can find something natural that exists in the world to make the analogy of because it's always got to be some weird shit. Like I see a lamp that's connected by a tube to a floating basket that's got a woman in it or some weird shit like that. It's ridiculous now

actually that brings me to a really interesting question so would you say there's anything that you were like particularly surprised not to find there other than great literature yeah just just content i guess like just something happening it shouldn't have been that hard to think of some stories to put in a holy book if you're God. You know, it wouldn't be all that difficult. You could have some cool narratives. You could have some interesting plot twists. You could have some, you know.

Keeping in mind that he already knew what was going to happen in Harry Potter 2,000 years ago. Yes. Yeah, he already had that as an example to work with. While we all wouldn't have back then, he did, you know. All right, so now here's a huge question for you. It'd be hard to pick just one, but would you say that you have a favorite, like, what the fuck moment in the Bible? Well, yeah, I think what's so difficult about this is because I would love to think of something different. I've said it so many times, the repeating of the instructions of the tabernacle. But you know what? Let me think

of another one. There was another one that maybe you can help me with because it's been a while. There was at some point, I think, some dude was ordered to go collect like a million foreskins. And he just went and just killed a bunch of guys and was like oh take that foreskin there and take that foreskin there and like just collected i don't know 100 200 foreskins yeah and then presented that if i'm not mistaken it was 200 foreskins but he only needed 100 so he just was having so much fun chopping up for i believe if i'm not mistaken that was david um and he was chopping them off for saul and he just you know saul demanded 100 foreskins and he's like 100 shit that's tuesday for me bro clearly noah you're a little new to foreskin farming but when you need

100 and i don't blame you for it you know a lot of people are well you know half of the citizens of this great country of ours are new to foreskin farming and the techniques involved. But when you need 100 foreskins, you need to farm 200 dicks. I got you. A lot of them are just – face it. They're not very good. They're just not great foreskin. You think Saul is going to take some terrible-looking foreskin?

That doesn't count. Saul – I know Saul. He's going to go through them one foreskin like that doesn't count he's saul i know saul he's going to go through them one by one right to really check off like oh that's a oh that is a lot of elasticity on this one tossing him like like uh like he's shooting paper clips or something yeah right yeah he does the thing like you do to bite a gold coin yeah you know to see that he's like kind of biting each one yeah it tastes kind of kind of like a Funyun. Now, I've got to say, honestly, my vote for what it's worth, and this is early in the Bible, and I haven't found anything more fucked up than this, in my opinion, is the story of the rape-to-death dismembered concubine that gets FedExed around Judea.

Yeah, that's a major. Now, that almost, maybe he did have access to Game of Thrones when he wrote that. So maybe that, now I'm starting to be convinced. Maybe that was a little bit of precognition there. Yeah, just maybe. All right. So now have you started on the New Testament yet? Are you still waiting to crack that open?

Not yet. I don't know when people will be hearing this, but as of now in real time, not podcaster time, in real human being time, I have not, but I'm very close. A few days now, and I'll crack it open and be reading my first reading about Jesus, I hope. That's what they tell me, so I'm going to go ahead. He shows up pretty right away in that one. Pretty quick? Okay, so there's not a lot of preamble to that. There's not a lot of wandering stories about nothing first that i have to go

through um not first not before jesus shows up no no um maybe maybe a couple afterwards oh man i don't i don't like what i'm hearing but you know what i'm oh dude the new testament is awesome it's okay so fucking good it is so amazingly good the epistles holy shit you thought the minor prophets were repetitive and pointless you've got so much to look forward to i don't i don't yeah so now you're you're going up you're going over to the sign and taking down the two days since the last suicidal thought i know i can't i i hope you're joking i please i mean if you are joking i just want to let your listeners know this is an incredibly awful joke.

It's a very cruel – I mean, if it is a joke, at least it's a joke and I can move on. But if it's not a joke, then I don't know what to do. I really don't know how I'm going to make it. Okay, so I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to give you two pieces of objective information that you can verify that are going to make you feel a lot better. Okay? All right. Number one, the New Testament, only a third as long as the old one.

Number two, it isn't followed by another testament. So that right there, I mean, honestly, should be enough to get you over the hump. That does help. But I thought, wait a minute, the Book of Mormon's not the sequel to the... Now, as you may or may not know, I happen to be one of the world's foremost experts in the field of vulgar biblical poetry. So if you don't mind, I'd like to test your retention a little bit. Oh, wow. So I've got a few trivia questions here, and of course they're in the form of limericks.

So I'd like to ask you to fill in the final word on each of these. Okay, but this assumes that I'm actually the same person who read the Bible originally, and I'm not a clone made by someone who blew their head off after reading half of the Bible. I mean, that's a weird assumption that you're taking on, but okay, I'll go with it. Preemptive excuse heard. All right. So here's number one. I'm going to throw you an easy one to start. It's your sister-in-law that you're boning,

and she's loving it, screaming and moaning. But at the end of the deed, should you spill your seed, you'd be committing a sin named for? Conan O'Brien. Oh, you were so close. You were so close. Oh, Onan O'Brien. Sorry, it was Onan O'Brien.

Yes, yeah, exactly. Both of them are known for splooging all over the place. All right, all right. All right. So you almost got the Onan one here. I'm going to give you something a little bit tougher. See if we can see if we can really challenge you here. This Nazarene hippie was handsome, but sold out for a generous ransom.

And it turned out the honor of first suicide bomber should go to a fella named Ted Danson. I'm going to give you that one because I think it's my shitty rhyming because handsome and ransom don't actually rhyme with Samson, but we were going for Samson there. Ted Danson probably does have some suicide bomber in him, but I'm not willing to make that allegation publicly just yet. Oh, I thought you were trying to tell me that it was Ted Danson, which I would have believed if you said that.

Oh, I gotcha. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So what, he changed his name too after he did the blackface thing so that people would still hire him, I guess? That would make sense.

All right. So I got something a little bit easier for you, a guy who may or may not have already come up in the conversation. God knows and comprehends all, down to where each hair on your head's going to fall, which begs one to wonder why God would undercut his own choice to make a king out of... Paul McCartney. Oh, yes, that was correct. Yes, sir.

Paul McCartney is, I mean, he, you know, obviously John Lennon, you know, I like John a bit better, but he was a king of sorts of rock at the time, you know, so it fits. I'm trying to, I can't think of another name that fits any better than Paul McCartney. So I think I can say with confidence, I definitely got this one right. Score one for me. Thank you. Yeah, actually, you got it righter than I got it.

I had some salt crap in here, but Paul McCartney, definitely. Although I am going to only give you half points for that whole, like, John Lennon was better crap that you threw down there. That's only because Paul McCartney put John Lennon's name on so many of the fucking songs that he wrote so it's true point taken i like them both a lot so don't don't get me wrong all right so i've got one that you almost can't miss right here so

as one of the more famous stories in the bible i've been going for some kind of like you know some random shit here but you'll remember this one i'm sure. Josh once taught the prostitute Rahab a trick, how to bring down a wall brick by brick. If she wanted his power, she need only bow her head down and wrap her lips round his... Well, is it prick? I'll go with prick. Oh, I'm sorry.

It was trumpet, but very close. Very close. I don't get it is true is this a regional thing because trumpet doesn't mean dick where i am from so i don't get it is it is that a slang term that you have that i don't know no but i'm very tempted to tell you that it is just in case you should ever end up on the east coast and it could get super awkward all right so i've got one final question for you he says it's okay to hit your kid with a rod and he impanels a genocide squad just ignore the devout as there can be

little doubt that the villain in this book is maude flanders oh wow i hadn't actually considered that could be a great twist ending you know at, at the very end, like Moses pulls back the curtain and there's Maude there. That'd be interesting. Yeah, well, she died, right? Mm-hmm. So it, yeah. And then she was really, really into God, I remember.

Right. So that's why I'm trying to, this is final answer. Final answer, Maude Flanders. I'm confident. Go ahead. You don't want to use one of your lifelines? No, Regis, I am good.

I'm good. It's definitely Maude Flanders. And the survey says, who gives a shit? No, Regis, I am good. I'm good. It's definitely Maude Flanders. And the survey says, who gives a shit? Yeah, why not? So, no, like I said, I'm very much looking forward to listening to you

jump into the New Testament because I started listening to the Old Testament version of your show long before I actually started reading the Old Testament. So it's actually, I'm really kind of excited

about listening to you get into the bits that I've already read and I already know how bad they are and you don't. So it's actually, I'm really kind of excited about listening to you get into the bits that I've already read and I already know how bad they are and you don't. So it should be a lot of fun. I should rub it in. Of course, if anybody would like to listen along as the soul-crushing realization dawns on Thomas that, yes, this book is worse, you can check that out on Thomas and the Bible. You can also find him twice a week on his most excellent Atheistically Speaking podcast, both of which you'll find linked on the show notes for this episode.

Is there anywhere else our listeners can check you out, sir? Well, if they wanted to check out just some non-atheism Bible-related stuff, they could check out Comedy Shoeshine, but that's another story altogether. I can't imagine why anybody would want to check out something not Bible-related, but just in case you do, we'll have that one linked on the show notes as well. Thanks again for joining us tonight, Thomas. Well, thanks so much for having me on. Thanks again for joining us tonight, Thomas.

Thanks so much for having me on. Before we pull the car into the garage tonight, I wanted to let everybody know that a rare new episode of the Incredulous podcast came out this week, and among Andy's guests this time was none other than our good friend Eli Bosnick. If you haven't checked out Incredulous yet, this would be a damn good time to do so. It takes Andy about eight months to put together an episode, but all that effort shows. You'll find a link to it on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we'll be back in 10,022

minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check us out on the latest episode of Cognitive Dissonance. I believe that was episode 240. We always have a blast when we hang out with those guys. So think of the 30 seconds on the clock bit this week as like a preface for the larger discussion that we had on their show. You'll find a link to that episode on the show notes as well.

Of course, I could never forgive myself without sacrificing a finger if I neglected to thank Heath for all the hard work he puts into the show every week. Obviously, I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for always giving 110%, except where that's mathematically impossible. I can't thank Tom and Cecil enough for lending us their weapons-grade vulgarity once again. Not many people can keep up with Heath when it comes to abortion jokes, but damn it if we didn't find a couple of them. And for what it's worth, in addition to being fucking hilarious, they're also two of the nicest and most charitable human beings I've ever met. If you don't already subscribe to their show, you have nobody to blame for it but yourself.

And speaking of podcasts, you have no excuse not to be subscribed to. I want to thank Thomas one more time for hanging out. If the Holy Babble has whet your appetite at all, his podcast is a great place to go in to fill in the details. And if you love Thomas but you hate the and the Bible part, you can also check him out on Atheistically Speaking. Again, totally loaded show notes this week as you'll find links to all three of his shows there. Also, big thanks to Harley for providing the Thomas and the Bible appropriate Farnsworth quote for us this week as well. That was pretty cool. But most of all, of course,

I need to thank this week's best people, Matthew, Amanda, Martin, Simone, Jim, and Charles. Matthew and Amanda, whose neuronal pathways make the George Washington Bridge look like the George Washington Bridge when Chris Christie throws a temper tantrum. Martin and Simone, whose genitals are so orally tempting that the FDA requires they carry a nutritional value notification. And Jim and Charles, whose ejaculations are so mighty they give Kool-Aid man momentum envy. Together, these six sexy secularists have secured our success in sending the sacks that soak the masses packing by giving us money. Not everybody has the vaginal moistening and or penis hardening acumen required to give

us money, but if your genitalia is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And remember, we'll love you one way or the other, but if you give us money, we'll love you more often and with more lubricant. And if you'd like to help, but only if it's free, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five-star review on iTunes, adding us to your favorites on Stitcher, and liking us on Facebook. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

And you know what? I already have a good outtake, so we don't need to fuck anything up. We can actually just roll right through this without an error. Oh, that makes it a lot easier. I can do it perfect? Yes, absolutely.