The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 136: Hepa Titus Edition

Episode Date: September 24, 2015

In this week's episode, Kim Davis remains a horrible person; humans continue to procreate despite the existence of rainbow colored corn chips; and Lucinda joins us to learn that there's no amount of brevity that can keep a book of the bible from sucking.

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, whatever the fuck that means. hers and hers and hers and hers bathrooms. Can't get the sister wives to agree on a shade. Don't worry, we've got variety packs for harems of all different sizes. Benjamin Mormon Latter-day Paints. White people mixing colors the only way God intended. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hey there, guys.

This is Shane Thriott from Winston-Salem, North Carolina, just here to tell you you need to go to vacaycon.com and get you some tickets to the carolina secular association conference coming up october 2nd through 4th 2015 oh yeah and we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men It's Thursday. It's September 24th. And a recent study shows that four out of five nihilists secretly believe in something. I knew it. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from subsidized waffle housing, Valdosta, Georgia, this

is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Kim Davis remains a bitch. Humans continue breeding despite the release of rainbow-colored corn chips. And Lucinda joins us in learning that there's no amount of brevity that can make a biblical book not suck. But first, the diatribe.

I learned a new word the other day. Soteriology. It means theology dealing with salvation. About half the definitions I saw also included, especially in reference to Jesus Christ, but theologists use it to describe the doctrines of salvation or liberation that sit at the core of virtually every religion. So an atheist might define it as the practice of convincing people that an imaginary part of themselves has an imaginary affliction that must be treated by imaginary means, which is apparently so ubiquitous they needed a fucking word for it. And to their credit, when you call it soteriology,

it doesn't even sound evil, right? I mean, if they had to call it, like, extortion for imaginative underachievers, their victims might start scratching their heads. So they call it soteriology. And whether they're saving your soul from the sinful glance of that person you wanted to fuck or releasing your spirit from the cycle of death and rebirth,

it's all the same fucking con. You're broken. There's something wrong with you. You're less than you could be. Normal and unavoidable biological functions are signs of your sinfulness. You are a filthy, disgusting, loathsome wretch. But don't worry, we can fix you for 52 easy payments a year. Now, some religions emphasize the positive rather than the negative, of course. You know, they dress it up less like there's something wrong with you and you suck, and more like, no, you're awesome, but you could also be so much more awesome and have superpowers. You know, all the New Age religions are like that. A lot of the less repugnant manifestations of Buddhism swing that way.

But again, it's the same con just shifted down the spectrum. Now, as near as I can tell, this is a religious universal. There might be some counterexample out there that I haven't come up with yet, but in every example I could think of, the religion is either trying to save you from how innately shitty you are, or trying to liberate you from how innately shitty Earth is. And if you ask me, this is the primary thing that religion does. You know, when theists are trying to justify religion, they always talk about moral imperatives and community building and coping with loss, but that's the stuff they tell us about. That's like justifying Roman imperialism entirely from the perspective of art history. The point of the

religion isn't to make people more moral or build communities or cope with mortality. The point is saving people from an imaginary threat for money. And sure, that's a cynical way of phrasing it, but I don't think that the thought behind it is cynical at all. It's just brutally honest. Go ask a Christian what the most important aspect of Christianity is. And find one that doesn't know you're an atheist and won't answer with regard. My guess is that you're going to hear about salvation. You're going to hear about personal relationships with Jesus. You're going to hear about the sacrifice that God made for us through murder, suicide, blah, blah, blah.

You're going to hear about the soteriology. If you ask a Muslim, they'll tell you all about repentance. You know, they have to pray five times a day because apparently Muslim God is so strict that you can't even sleep for eight hours without doing something that pissed him off. You have to atone for the constant state of sin that you're in just by being a human being that does human being stuff. And sure, if an apologist is trying to sell the religion to a secular audience, they're not going to lead with that stuff, but that is what the religion itself is focused on.

Jewish theology is so bloated and labyrinthine that I could forgive the average Jew for having no fucking clue what the point of their religion is. But if you dig deep enough, everything comes back to redemption. Everything comes back to getting God to forgive you for existing. You got Hindus, Buddhists, and Jains out there seeking liberation from samsara,

which is the imaginary plate of immortality. Because, I mean, come on, what could possibly be worse than existing in the only state that humans ever get to exist in? And, as a bonus, if you get liberated enough, depending on the religion, you get superpowers that no living human being has ever exhibited despite the prehistoric roots of these fucking religions. You know, shit like perfect knowledge and infinite perception that would be pretty damn easy to test in a laboratory. You got some Buddhists and Sikhs out there looking for salvation through detachment, because according to their doctrine, all the definitionally human stuff like emotional attachment, pride, and pleasure are fucking you up and forcing your soul to focus on real-world stuff instead of important things like Neverland and Mordor.

Wiccans and all the little subcategories of people whose religion is one step removed from LARPing are, in my experience, mostly after psychedelics and casual sex. But to the extent that there's any theology undergirding the religion, it's all about unlocking superpowers through the perfection of the self. Basically, from a theological perspective, it's narcissistic Buddhism. You know, only atheism is willing to admit that there's nothing inherently wrong with being a human that lives on Earth. Only atheism is willing to say that you're probably not personing wrong. Only atheism is willing to take the world as it is, focus on the real, verifiable problems, and then trust humans to solve them. You know, that's not to say that

atheism doesn't have its own form of soteriology, though. You know, after all, we're the ones saying you're not going to hell. You're not a sinful wretch. You're not bounded by karma. You're not living in a fallen world. You're not condemned. You're not broken. Because our soteriology is an effort to save people from salvation. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special

news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the guy that joins me for headlines, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to join me for headlines? What if I said no? Then I would have to headline rape you. Okay. I would like to join you for headlines.

Awesome. In our lead story tonight, there once was this fellow named Francis. And across the Atlantic, he prances. That's not newsworthy, is it? Except that his visit was paid for with public finances. And it pissed me off so much I had to limerick about it but yes pope financial aid kicked off his whirlwind american tour on tuesday when he arrived in dc for a couple of days of slapping around church state separation like a prison bitch while in

the u.s he'll visit dc new york city and because apparently he pissed off the guy who does his scheduling philadelphia why the fuck would you go to philadelphia well you know the eagles could use some help. Maybe the Pope can take over for Sam Bradford for a couple games, I'm sure. Might as well. Both of them are giving me approximately the same number of fantasy points. Now, you'll recall the story we covered last week about using prisoners to craft his magistrate a throne. But when it comes to the government billing the American taxpayers for this visit that no non-Catholics give a fuck about,

that is just the tip of the iceberg, just to see how it feels. According to the FFRF, the time he spends in New York City, for example, is going to cost taxpayers about $1.5 million a day. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, and by the way, if you happen to live in one of the three cities he's going to be visiting, enjoy the security lockdown your entire city is going to be under so that a geriatric virgin can cast spells and play head of state despite having sovereignty over a country a third the size of Epcot Center yeah i've never seen what happens in philly or dc but these

security motorcade things are a fucking disaster oh yes nobody should be allowed to have them if you want to visit new york city you ride the fucking subway like everybody else or you walk or whatever or don't visit in fact just scratch that first option and don't visit. Plus, how much does it really matter if the Pope gets assassinated? Not at all. He's no John Galt. That's all I'm saying. I just want to point out we are not endorsing papal assassination. Nor John Galt, just to be clear.

Well, maybe him, yeah. Among the items on Pope Francis's itinerary over the next couple of days is a joint address to Congress, the canonization of an accessory to to genocide and actively avoiding any discussion about a new report from global post that accuses the vatican of continuing to harbor pedophile priests this report comes at the end of a year-long investigation that included interviews with both the victims and the accused and suggests that the international pedophilia ring that does religious stuff on the side is now transferring the majority of their problem priests to smaller communities in South America because who cares if they fuck Bolivian kids? I mean, it doesn't matter.

The Vatican will not stop until every South American person is a pedophile Nazi. Right? Weird, weird set of goals they have. Don't get it. And while we can expect absolutely no comment on this story from Pope Frankie Losaurus, even his familiar talk a big game and then put people on trial posthumously strategy would be less offensive than the one being employed by New York Bishop Robert Cunningham, who wonders why nobody's blaming those kids for being so damn sexy in the first place.

So during a 2011 deposition that came to light this month, Cunningham explained the culpability and sinfulness of sex abuse victims, or as he likes to call them, accomplices. Maniacal. Yes, he actually used this word in a sworn deposition. He wasn't speaking off the cuff. He carefully chose his fucking words, and then he basically argued that kids who get raped by priests should be tried as accessories. At least the power bottoms. Doing a lot of work. And the ones that have an orgasm. priests should be tried as accessories. At least the power bottoms. Doing a lot of work.

And the ones that have an orgasm. Well, of course, obviously. Obviously. That's different. Now, despite concerted efforts to talk this heartless bastard into stepping down, Cunningham shows no signs of capitulation.

And of course, his boss shows no signs of disciplining him for saying the kind of shit that would get you fired and disgraced from the local Wendy's if you posted it on Facebook. Because he must be too busy enjoying his nifty new slave chair. And in not a prayer to spare news tonight,

thanks to the FFRF and a politically active minion of Satan, the city of Coral Springs, Florida, will be forced to find a new way to prevent the population from erupting into a heathenous orgy of violence following Mayor Skip Campbell's decision to get rid of the religious prayer section at the beginning of public meetings. So if you're keeping score at home, that's Goatman, all the points, Christians in Florida, zero. I just, I fucking love that this is the most effective way to fight back against these guys. Like, we try reason, you get nothing. We try, against these guys. We try reason, you get nothing. We try going cue to chords, you get nothing.

We try threatening to make a giant pitchfork-wielding satyr gobble up the invisible ghosts that live in their bodies, and they do whatever the fuck we want. That's awesome. Just like kryptonite. Yeah. Imaginary and effective. Kryptonite exists. So lots of the credit for this latest

secular victory goes to local satanist chas stevens whose efforts led directly to the mayor's reluctant acquiescence to sanity and constitutional law after finding out about the government sponsored prayer mr stevens requested to perform an invocation of his own but was denied by the city clerk's office and here's my favorite part of the story. According to the rejection email he received, quote, your numerous emails indicate that you have no intention of delivering an invocation based upon your religious beliefs, but instead intend to make a mockery of the proceedings by, as you indicated, twerking and or bringing a mariachi band to the floor.

End quote. I love this guy, Jazz Stevens. I can't believe they turned that down. Okay, look. My dad was the police chief. My mom was a community organizer. So I went to a few of these things when I was a kid. And holy shit, would that be the greatest thing that ever happened at a city council

meeting? A fucking fat guy twerking to a mariachi band? You could sell tickets to that shit. So, after receiving the email, Stevens notified the FFRF, and the group was very happy to explain to the city how the prayer segment requires them to allow participation by all religious groups. The other option, of course, being for Coral Springs to pay thousands of dollars in fines and legal fees. But since they never thought about praying for more prayers or praying for enough money to finance illegal praying, it looks like they're stuck praying any other fucking time.

Right, yes, exactly. So go great horned one and his minions. And in cruel and delusional punishment news tonight, New Mexico resident and rightfully pissed off atheist Holly Salzman was court ordered to listen to your crazy Christian aunt babble about Jesus for an hour a week by a court in the Pontic Empire. Oh, no wait, I'm sorry,

in modern day fucking Earth somehow. Now this evangelical waterboarding came in the form of a series of parental counseling sessions with a crazy Jesus bitch, which was ordered by the court in relation to a shared custody hearing and even after salzman informed the court that the sessions were overtly religious and she was overtly an atheist the court stood by their ruling under the threat of taking away her children altogether i sentenced this jewish man to one month in the bacon room right how else is he gonna learn

important i want to thank the bacon room holy shit? How else is he going to learn? Important. I want a month in the bacon room. Holy shit. I'd pretend to be Jewish for that. So the counselor in question goes by the impossible to take seriously name of Mary Pepper, which she probably lifted from the love interest in a 1930s American propaganda flick. And according to

Salzman and the videos that she secretly made of the sessions, which are pretty trustworthy, the zealot slash counselor insisted on opening each of the sessions, which are, you know, pretty trustworthy, the zealot slash counselor insisted on opening each of the private sessions with a prayer out loud, even after learning that Salzman was an atheist. And the videos also contain nuggets of go fuck yourself like, quote, I know you don't believe in God, which is fine, but I know at some point he was in your life in some way, end quote. This is all fine with me, as long as the courts sending christian couples to scathing atheist boot camp fuck yes just opened it it is the worst

insufferable and i think it needs to be taxpayer funded right away couldn't agree more in addition to the chick track script in the obtrusive prayers by the way the woman whose name evokes images of anthropomorphized lagomorphs also included religious homework as part of her court-ordered counseling, including an assignment titled, Who is God to Me? And, well, I'll admit, I'm just assuming here,

I don't think the opening of chapter two to the God delusion would have been an acceptable answer. Now, the silver lining in this is that Salzman made it through the class without righteously disemboweling this scut through a yapping maw and the court hasn't kidnapped her children for Christ again yet so you know all is well that ends well I guess and from the deep southpaw file tonight a four-year-old student named Zaid Sands at Oaks Elementary School in Okemah, Oklahoma, was forced by his teacher to stop being left-handed because that's the hand favored by Satan.

What? This came to the attention of the boy's mother, Alicia Sands, when he came home one day and tried, unsuccessfully, to complete homework with his weaker right hand. When she asked him if his teacher said anything about his hands recently, he raised the left and said, this one's bad. Are these people just running out of, like, folks to hate now? I mean, what the fuck, Oklahoma?

Are you going to start being racist against Armenians next? I'm pretty sure they're already there. Are you going to discriminate against those with a blemish on the cheek or the people who are AB negative? For fuck's sake, people. cheek or the people who are a b negative for fuck's sake yeah so in response ms sands sent a note to the teacher saying i'm guessing something along the lines of please don't tell my son which hand to use especially if the instruction is based on your belief about the physical characteristics of an evil ghost that doesn't exist you're an idiot sincerely you're an idiot at which point the teacher decided to send home

an article that mentions how a bunch of old cultural bullshit like the bible has caused lefties to be seen as unlucky sinister and somehow related to satan so here's hoping the next time this happens the kid says i know something you don't know i'm not right-handed and then he stabs her in the eye with his plastic scissors we also don't endorse that by the way i don't like not to go to the hospital but like a serious contusion in her eye area i still irritated endorse that and in turning the other chic news tonight retired neurosurgeon single craziest major gop candidate and man who sounds like he's perpetually trying to talk the lollipop guild into a four-way, Ben Carson was allowed to talk in public again last week in an interview on Meet the Press, where he suggested that Muslims were unfit to be president. Now, despite his widely

recognized experience in being unfit to be president, Carson's remarks were met with skepticism while he desperately tried to somehow distance himself from the meaning of his response without actually distancing himself from the response itself. Yeah. Now he's trying to claim that the Constitution and the Koran are inconsistent with each other. Therefore, any true Muslim is incapable of taking the presidential oath to put federal law above God's law. But I guess it's different for Christians because, you know, the Bible is part of the Second Amendment. Oh, right. Yes. The part about the right to bear assault rifles. That's why we can put the Ten Commandments up like we do. Now, he stood by the remarks in a

press conference on Tuesday where he pointed out that Sharia law is antithetical to American values because I guess Carson prefers Christian based values like stoning women to death for adultery, whipping money changers and murdering disobedient children. So as to not be in classed when Trump was asked if he thought a Muslim could be president, he replied, quote, some people have said it already happened, end quote. Because of fucking course he did. And in apocalypse chow news tonight, End Times televangelist, convicted fraudster, and guy who owes the IRS about $6 million, Jim Baker, is still allowed to con stupid religious people

out of their money by making shit up. Apparently, if the revenue goes toward paying back the American people instead of embezzling investments meant for his failed Christian version of Disney World, it is perfectly legal. That's why Baker is selling non-perishable doomsday rations by convincing gullible idiots that the rapture is about to happen, which, of course, will dismantle the entire food

production industry somehow. Apparently, yes. I mean, what am I missing here? Isn't he talking to Christian people? I mean, isn't that who's watching Jim Baker talk about this shit as the people that think that they're going to get bamfed by the rapture? I mean, is he saying that you're going to need to bring your own freeze-dried legumes to heaven? Is he suggesting that you just leave a bunch sitting around for your heathen friends? I don't even get the point.

He has no idea, I don't think. So Mr. Baker has been peddling wholesale ramen noodles for a while now, but the sales pitch he used on a recent episode of his show was especially insane, even for him. And just for reference, this is the same guy who claimed in August that gangs of cannibals will soon maraud through the streets of New York and Chicago, feasting upon the still-beating hearts of the innocent. That he did. Well, he managed to top that.

That he did. Now he's saying all that, plus your neighbors are going to start eating babies. Eating babies. Which means if you're somebody's neighbor, you might start eating your own children. Or they will. Or both. Or whatever. Right.

Unless, of course, you have an industrial palette of easy cheese stashed in your basement. That's the solution. According to Baker, quote, the Bible says they're going to eat their babies. Then it says they're going to eat their children. That's what people do when they get hungry. End quote. I've been hungry, bro. Buy some easy.

But look again, the Bible says it and you believe in the Bible, though. So, I mean, your neighbors are, like, definitely going to eat babies. Are you saying that, like, God failed to foresee canned spam? Are you really going to thwart the omniscient creator of the universe with dehydrated soup? Or are you just going to provide the baby eaters with a nice broth? Think about it i mean it's almost like the devotion of a single skeptical brain cell causes this entire fucking house of cars to collapse and it and it almost just like that ridiculous i don't understand how this guy's not still in jail or back in jail how are people

allowed to be televangelists if fraud is still a thing that's illegal. Like, you get the parole officer who says, hey, Jim, did you get a job? I did. I did get a job. So what are you going to be doing now? Better be legit. Okay, well, here's how it works. For 1,000 easy payments of $3.50 plus one more easy payment for shipping and handling several cargo containers, seven years' worth of food buckets could be yours.

for shipping and handling several cargo containers, seven years' worth of food buckets could be yours. And since money won't matter when the apocalypse definitely happens, it's basically free. Does that sound like fraud to you? Yes, jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And while Heath and I pat each other on the back for making Baker think that the baby-eating stuff is all yet to come, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man!

This Week in Misogyny. Well, if you watched the second GOP primary debate last week, you've probably already had your fill of misogyny. But we're going to do this segment anyway. After watching 11 grown educated adults, wait, I'm sorry, 10 grown educated adults and Scott Walker all fumbled to come up with a single famous American woman other than Rosa Parks, I couldn't help but think how much easier this segment was going to be to fill as the election ramps up. And of course, this came on the heels of the how many women I would kill to save a fertilized egg round, which came on the heels of Donald Trump explaining how it can't

be sexist if he's saying he would fuck some chick. So I was starting to think we'd already covered the virulent chauvinism portion of the evening, but I guess that doesn't happen until Donald Trump fat shames a singing lady. But I don't think any of those represented the most misogynistic moment in the night. That honor goes to the only woman on the stage, Carly Fiorina, talking about the debunked Planned Parenthood sting videos as if they were directed by Eli Roth. While everybody's talking about how many Planned Parenthood clinics they would personally demolish with their bare hands, Fiorina starts talking about the controversial video the

Republicans have clung to, which shows an abortion doctor talking about abortion without being disgusted by her own existence. And make no mistake, that's exactly what the video showed. Despite the three trillionth congressional investigation of Planned Parenthood, the organization was, for the three trillionth time, completely exonerated of any wrongdoing. So they're talking about a video that A, has been completely debunked by a bipartisan committee, B, was clearly edited to make Planned Parenthood look as evil as possible, and C, entirely took place at a restaurant over dinner.

But when Fiorina described it, here's the actual wording she used. Quote, a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart still beating, its legs kicking while someone says, we have to keep it alive to harvest its brain. End quote. Again, the actual video being talked about is a video of people eating dinner at a restaurant. This would be like describing the Zapruder film as a dance number. But in her defense, Fiorina had no fucking idea what she was talking about At a restaurant. This would be like describing the Zapruder film as a dance number. But in her defense, Fiorina had no fucking idea what she was talking about and assumed everyone must have been talking about an anti-abortion propaganda video she saw on Facebook. And again, in her defense, the video she's talking about does in fact show a fetus with its heart beating and its legs kicking.

The video is of unknown origin and is almost certainly a video of surgery on a premature birth. So it's less like she was just making shit up off the top of her head and more like she started presenting facts from loose change during the terrorism portion of the debate. Of course, I shouldn't let this piss me off too much. After all, the paternalistic bullshit out of the Republican Party has, if anything, made gender equality a more universal issue. I mean, sure, there are plenty of people who may think that abortion bans, wage inequality, and congressmen who think the mouth is connected to the uterus don't affect their day-to-day life. But to them, I simply say, just wait until they shut the entire fucking government down over it.

And that's apparently exactly what we have to look forward to. For our listeners overseas and the ones who managed to avoid news cycles altogether, we're recording under the threat of a looming government shutdown, which, if it happens, will once again be the byproduct of Republican extremists threatening to hold their breath until they turn blue. And on that happy note, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in rowing down the river news tonight, freeloading Kentucky homophobe Kim Davis continued to be an awful bitch this week.

After the county clerk in name only sincerely held bigotry landed her in jail, she was released on the condition that she not interfere with her deputy clerks when they tried to not discriminate against gay people. And since this whole thing stems from her refusal to sign the piece of paper her job requires her to sign, this could have meant nothing other than I will now sign that fucking

paper. Yeah, I'm not familiar with this procedure in the legal system. Do criminals usually get released from jail within days of arrest on the condition they promised to cut it out for real? And it's even worse than that because she told them she would continue breaking the law yeah right all right get out of here get out don't just don't rob any more houses i'm gonna rob that house right there all right we're letting you leave seriously don't though don't all right we'll just drop me off at that house right why are we paying

to drive this lady back and forth from jail right right at this point it's just inefficient so to the surprise of nobody, immediately after getting back to work, she started replacing the part of the marriage license that contained her auto-generated signature with the words, Pursuant to Federal Court Order, which is apparently as close to God hates fags

as she thought she could get away with. She now faces suit from four couples, two gay and two straight, who would rather not have fuck the gays written on their marriage license in legalese. And they should be able to win those lawsuits easily i would hope yeah but i'd still hold on to that hate crime marriage license it's going to be like nazi memorabilia pretty soon right no i'd bet on one right now now davis continues to insist that she's doing something noble and right-wing religiates continue to eat it up with a fucking spoon

she sought to prove her complete lack of homophobia in a recent ABC interview by pointing out that, quote, I have never once spouted a word of hate, end quote, because we all know it's okay to discriminate against black people as long as you don't use the N-word. As long as you talk nicely about it. That's what really matters. And in But God Hates You in a Nice way news tonight an ohio factory worker became a former ohio factory worker last week after a batshit new zealand refugee convinced him that leaving gay people alone was the same as murdering them with elevators middletown resident and vapid

bigot chris routzen was terminated after repeatedly sharing ray comfort's testimony to homophobic propaganda audacity with multiple gay co-workers even after being told to knock it the fuck off. Wow. Hey, Dave, I know you're a black Jewish person, so I felt like I'd be remiss if I didn't lend you this. It's called Birth of a Nation. Just give it a watch. There's no pressure. Food for thought.

Now, of course, as exaggerated claims of Christian persecution edge out taxes to take the number two spot behind death, Routzen portrays the entire event as the result of his employers hating Jesus so much. While sharing his story with the hyper-evangelical propagandists at Charisma News, he emphasized the fact that none of the lesbians he was calling evil and harassing online seemed bothered by his repeated endorsement of anti-them hate speech. He added, quote, his repeated endorsement of anti-them hate speech.

He added, quote, I have always been outspoken about my faith to other employees and have never had any problems up until last week, end quote, which ought to come in real handy if his lesbian co-workers ever decide to sue their employer for not shit canning this dude long before he started heckling them about this stuff. And finally tonight from the cleric stratophile. Oh, nice. Doritos brand recently made waves when they released a limited run of rainbow-colored chips, aimed, of course, at oppressing heterosexuals and destroying Christianity. Of course, yes.

And religious lunatics are in full panic mode because it seems to be working. According to parent company Frito-Lay, the campaign raised $100,000 for Dan Savage's support group for young victims of anti-LGBT bullying called It Gets Better. And I'm hoping they spend some of that money on a spite-based support group for homophobic high school bullies whose life is peaking at 17 called It Gets Worse. It definitely gets worse, you peaked. Good luck with that. Christianity, vociferously campaigning against raising money for bullied teenagers. I'm starting to feel vestigial. Our work here is done.

Right. So, as you might expect, the reactions from the T-Nut Gallery were insane and plentiful. But one particular conservative Christian talking head was especially entertaining. Gave us one of the better homosexual agenda conspiracy theories i've ever heard actually according to news machete writer ed straker via american thinker rainbow doritos are quote the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality don't quote. Gateway snack. What? Yeah. Young boys eat a pink corn chip and all of a sudden he starts noticing that same snack machine has an erect penis at F6.

It's a slippery slope. For fuck's sake, I'm not even going to ask you to stop saying dumb shit like this. I just want a rule in place where you have to connect the dots. Like, if you say prismatic Doritos are going to make kids gay, you have to connect the dots like look if you say prismatic doritos are going to make kids gay you have to spell out how your warp mind sees that playing out for my entertainment so a couple other highlights from mr straker's article oh please at one point he remarks that corn chips are unrelated to sex without realizing that makes him look even dumber and then asks quote what's next gay toilet paper and gay tampons end quote he also suggests that proper christian companies should be launching

pro-hetero campaigns and his idea for this is fantastic quote perhaps we could persuade a hot dog maker and a hot dog bun company to do a joint effort promoting man-woman relationships end quote meat sticks inside buns scream heterosexual for this person yeah so obviously we already put 30 seconds on the clock ideas for the sodomy gateway snack food industry this mother go put the 30 seconds on there for us. Alright, how about casual Chex Mix? When you just want the occasional surprise nut in your mouth.

What about Frito Gay? Just the chip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels. Just a fingerling. Yeah, exactly. How about Rusty Bugles? Based on the asshole-shaped snack chip, you can't help but tongue. Right?

Am I right? I love those things. What about Ruffles Truffle Shuffles? The ruffle cutters with truffle butters. Oh, nice. Everybody Google truffle butters. Enjoy. You're welcome.

It's been a while since you've given them a suggestion. All right. How about bun chips? Because some chips only taste like they've been up somebody's ass. I know the pun wasn't good, but the follow-up I thought made it worthwhile. All right, what about Hokies and Grindr? Learn to be gay six inches at a time. Or maybe over-the-pants handy snacks when you're craving some Mora Gomora.

Obon Pan Sexual. The bicurious taste of Benjamin Glutton. Oh, I got one. How about Urea Tortillas? Now available in golden shower cream and onion. Making you hungry, aren't you? It's a good flavor, yeah. What about Hot Spuds?

Cooler dude ranch flavor. Slicing up tubers from tip to brown eye. Oh, there was more. Awesome. And I guess now that we have all these wonderful new ideas for how to use Tostitos scoops, we can close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Kid Icarus.

And when we come back, we'll crack open our Bibles to find out exactly how much immoral craziness Christianity can cram into 71 verses. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to talk about all the great atheist, secular, and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world, except just around the country this time. We'll start off in beautiful Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where the 2015 Carolina Secular Conference is going to be opening up the month of October over the weekend of the 2nd. The keynote speaker is Sarah Moorhead. There's a live performance by Shelley Segal.

You'll also get a chance to hear talks from Mandisa Thomas, Shannon Nebo, and friend of the show Callie Wright from the Gaytheist Manifesto podcast. Plus, it seeks to heal the rift between the two Carolinas, and we're all about inclusiveness on this show. Over the same weekend, and not too far away, is the Washington Area Secular Humanist Regional Conference in Lynchburg, Virginia. Boy, that's a mouthful. The event will be emceed by Margaret Downey.

Speakers include John Davidson, the That's Incredible Guy, Ron Lindsay, Tom Flynn, and more. Always happy to see more secular conferences in the Confederate States. Boy, do we need them, but the Midwest needs that shit, too. So for our next event, we're going to travel north to Madison, Wisconsin, where the FFRF will be holding their 38th annual national convention on the weekend of October 9th, right before it gets too cold to go to Madison. The keynote speaker is Ron Reagan, atheist son of the former president and hilarious motherfucker, as you'd know if you ever caught him on Colbert. They'll also have author Jeremiah Cameron, my personal favorite American politician, Ernie Chambers, and a lot more. And since I haven't given the West Coast any love yet, I should mention that the Secular Student Alliance at the University of California, San Diego is hosting a debate titled Does God Exist

on October 13th starting at 7 p.m. This debate is going to feature Matt Dillahunty and the person whose ass Matt Dillahunty is going to kick, this time played by one Blake Guinta. And to finish things off tonight, we'll swing back to the South for the Atheist Alliance of America's National Convention. That's going to be taking place in Atlanta

from October 15th to the 18th, and it should be fucking awesome. Greta Christina, David Silverman, Mandisa Thomas, Lucian Graves, J.T. Eberhard, Dale McGowan, Phil Ferguson. Kind of hoping to make it up for that one, but doubting that I'll be able to do so, so I'm already regretting missing this one in advance. And of course, if you'd like to avoid my fate, you can find more information about all these events on the show notes for this episode.

And if you're involved with an atheist event that could use some more publicity, let me know. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. And if you're not involved with an atheist event, come on already. They need your help, right? The Holy Babble I have to admit that when I saw what we had coming up, I was worried we wouldn't be able to make a babble out of it all. You know, we're trying to time this thing to finish up at the end of the year, so all we had on our slate this week were two of the tiniest little books in the Bible,

Titus and Philemon. And while the idea of not reading very much Bible was definitely appealing, I was afraid that we wouldn't have anything to say until I read these crazy fucking books and found out that Titus is all the bad shit about the New Testament in a bite-sized package, and Philemon is the most bizarre addendum in this book so far. Now, the short books were definitely nicer this week. Gave me a chance to catch up on all the stuff I missed from the annals of the kings of Judah. Now I'm a lot more required reading.

Exactly. And I used that time myself to plan a lovely evening for my beautiful wife, who turns 29 again on Monday and joins us for something way less fun than aging tonight. Lucinda, welcome back. You know, I've never been this close to the end of a book without having even the slightest desire to hurry up and finish it. Oh, tell me about it. Right?

Ever. I mean, if you told me you decided to do, you know, one verse every three weeks from here on out and finish it in 2021 or something like that, I'd be fine. We'll get there. I'm okay with that.

Yeah, but if we did that, we'd have to put off all the fun of the Quran next year. So it's kind of logical that Titus would end up being the recipient of a bullshit forgery letter that was fabricated decades after Paul's death. After all, he was kind of the Boba Fett of the Pauline epistles. He just shows up once in a while to put the Corinthians in their place or wave his uncircumcised dick around at the apostolic Jews. Only gets a couple of minutes of screen time, sure, but he makes the most of it. I was dying to learn a little more about him. unfortunately we didn't though all right so it starts as so many of them do with Paul blowing smoke up his own ass Paul a servant of God blah blah blah who has

magic powers and is never wrong because of God yada yada but I thought it was interesting that they've expanded that I'm definitely not a liar tactic to God in this one, too. Right. Yes, exactly. God's not a liar either. And then fake Paul starts explaining to Titus why he left him in Crete, which was apparently an island full of sex criminals back in the day. Why did I leave you in Crete? That is an excellent question for me, real Paul of Truthistan, from you, real Titus.

you in Crete? That is an excellent question for me, real Paul of Truthistan from you, real Titus. I left you in Crete so you can appoint church leaders exactly like... The reason I left you in Crete was to continue with the plan that I had already wrote down for you and am now sending you a copy of just to be extra thorough. Which, by the way, is not a forgery because I sound like this when I write real letters. Copies. Copies of

letters. Real copies of letters sound like this for me. This is real. And then we get straight to the all-important shit we just talked about in the last book. Yeah, right. We had a few more stipulations for who can and can't be a bishop now, though. Apparently, in addition to your kids not being assholes, they also have to be Christians.

And also, you can't even be accused of debauchery. Right. Which would have made it so fun to hang out with Titus. I'd love to have followed him around Crete, and then every time he thought he had a solid bishop, I'd yell, debauchery! And he'd have to start all over again. Dude's been accused, man. Sorry. And based on the book, that might actually have been what was

happening. Either that or Crete was all rebellious kids and butt sex. Nothing but wall to wall. Also, they can only have one wife. Oh, right, right. Which means a bunch of Cretan dudes definitely demoted some wives for the job interview with Titus.

Alright, it looks like you'd make a good bishop. You and your kids don't seem very debaucherous. Can't see any reason why. Spontaneous riot! No reaction. Well played. Well played, sir. Okay, just one last thing.

Are the two women blowing us under the table extra wives? Are they extra? No! No! Those are slaves. Not an animal. Extra wives. And by the way, since when is not being a drunk a prerequisite to speak for God?

You guys never heard of Noah? Or all the fucking crazy bastard, what was it, Ezekiel? Tell me that dude wasn't drinking. Come on. And then by verse 10, we're on to the Jew hate. Quote, there are also many rebellious people, idle talkers and deceivers,

especially of the circumcision. They must be silenced. End quote. Take that however you want to take it. It's one thing to get deceived by some rebellious idle talker and then get slapped in the face with a penis. It happens to the best of us. But if I get one more mushroom tattoo from these deceitful idle talking Jews, I swear to fucking God. But now in his defense, of course, he only said especially the Jews.

You know, he admitted that other people are also deceitful idol talkers, right? So it's less like saying black people love fried chicken and more like saying everybody loves fried chicken, especially black people. The last one isn't racist. I think it might be. Some of my best friends especially love fried chicken. What are you talking about?

And then we learn, and this gave me an honest guffaw, that Paul took the Epimenides paradox literally. So, okay, just to make sure everyone knows just how stupid this is, Epimenides is the Cretan who said all Cretans are liars, and he said it to present this paradox. You know, I'm a Cretan, so if I say all Cretans are liars, I must be lying, which means that Cretans all tell the truth, which means I can't be lying.

But pretend Paul invokes it in Titus as though it was an assessment of Cretan morality. So according to the Bible, Zeno's runner is standing still. Yeah. If you redraw the finish line, it's not a paradox. That's great. Profound stuff from pretend Paul over there. Great job. Paradox.

That's great. Profound stuff from pretend Paul over there. Great job. And even if you overlook the bit where he says that the Cretan that said all Cretans were liars was telling the truth, his actual advice to Titus is treat everyone around you like a lazy, gluttonous, vicious, lying brute so that they'll love you more. And as much as the Christians ignore in this book, they definitely took that one to heart. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. It's like Don Johnson talking to his slave about Jagger.

You want me to treat him like regular white people? No. No. Who's that retarded kid? Treat the Jews like a retarded Christian child. Basically, yeah. That's the best way to go. But also, if you think that everyone on the island of Crete is, quote, detestable, disobedient,

But also, if you think that everyone on the island of Crete is, quote, detestable, disobedient, and unfit for any good work, end quote, why are you so eager to sign a bunch of them up for your new church? Yeah, great question. And then we get into the non-specific specifics that the New Testament is so famous for. Paul instructs Titus to teach the people there not to get so slobbering drunk they fuck couches to warn them that to do good works instead of bad ones is very important. I mean look you're doing no one any good when you say be prudent. It's like

shit that says drive safely right in case you forgot that barrel rolls don't work as well in real life. Of course fucking be prudent. Right. Well not only is that stupid advice to give to your disciples in waiting, but apparently fake Paul didn't think fake Titus would think of that one on his own. Right. He needed to send a letter across desert and sea to remind his number three guy that being

prudent is probably a good thing. Yeah. You know how you're teaching all the cretins to be shitty? Stop doing that. Stop. I know this is a whole big 180, but just trust me on this. Roll with me. It'll work.

I wrote down a handy list of ways to not be shitty people. It's mostly words like good and not bad. Try to memorize. Exactly. And I'd just like to take a second to point out that both Christ and Paul, as presented in the Bible, are perfect models of the opposite of prudent. You know, being crucified to death and or spending the majority of your adulthood in Roman prisons is, at the very least, imprudent. Right. But of course, the sexism can't wait for too long. So in chapter two, we learn all about how wives should be chaste,

obedient, good at cleaning the kitchen, and above all, submissive. Right. Yes, exactly. And when you're already talking about women, you're practically talking about slaves already. So you might as well use it as a segue. And this was honestly one of the worst slavery verses since Exodus 21 invoked the 48-hour rule. Right. Titus chapter 2 verses 9 and 10 from the NRSV, quote, Tell slaves to be submissive to their masters and to give satisfaction in every respect. They are not

to talk back, not to pilfer, but to show complete and perfect fidelity, end quote. And by the way, that's probably the most innocuous wording I could find in any translation. Clearly, God is all about some slavery. Loves him. Loves him some slavery. And, by the way,

if you keep going with that verse, it basically says, tell those slaves to fucking smile while they're working so we can sell this thing. Yes, exactly. We want to see unenthusiastic bondage. It just reflects badly on everyone involved. Come on.

Better laugh when I whip you, bitch. He also ends the chapter by saying, let no one look down on you, which that seemed like an odd addition. You know, oh yeah, one more thing after the be prudent and everything. Don't make me look stupid. I try to be cool, but like you don't care

if other people think you're cool. Like, you know, like a respectable, possessionless, homeless zealot who thinks all the people around him are lying brutes. That's what we're going for. And by the way, I give you full authority to be a complete asshole about it. Rebuke the shit out of everything. Be that

guy. So yeah, apparently Paul read the game and decided to build the religion by negging people from there. You'd seem a lot less ugly and stupid next to the other people at my church. You should come down. Be a strong aid up there.

And just in case this book hasn't already tipped its hand entirely, chapter three opens with a reminder to do whatever the king tells you and always be a good, loyal citizen. I half expected the next verse to say, also, whoever found this letter probably deserves a Hummer or two. Yeah, it's remarkable how much god's plan for his people

precisely mimics the best interest of whoever happens to be oppressing these people at the moment yes uh-huh sit down shut up do your job embrace poverty pay your taxes don't fight obey your master and do what the king says primary message of the book if there's ever any difference of opinion whoever has more extra skin on their penis, they win. Speaking of which, you guys are going to need to set up a bunch of dick exam checkpoints. That's a whole big part of the plan. We didn't even get going yet.

At least at every courthouse. When they're always trying to put the Ten Commandments up, they should put a fucking foreskin checkpoint up. There you go. That would be more in keeping with the religion. Right. Nice. a fucking foreskin checkpoint up. That would be more in keeping with the religion. Right, right. There's also a bunch of talk about God and Jesus pouring out their spirit richly upon us,

but there's not enough context to say for sure whether that's a bukkake thing or a golden shower type thing. Yeah, right. Well, God's a Bronze Age type of guy, as I mean. You can dig into the scatological stuff. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Then he tosses out

this dubious hunk of advice. Apparently, all the following things are unprofitable and worthless. Stupid controversies, which kind of seems definitional,

you know, if they're stupid, then by... Anyway. Also, genealogies. Nobody told the guys who wrote the Bible. Dissensions and quarrels

about the law. So, I guess I'm with him kind of on the first two because I don't like genealogies either. But how can dissension be worthless without any reference to what one is dissenting to? Does this mean I can just face fuck Christians on command? I mean, what are they going to do? Dissent and quarrel about the law? Have you read Titus?

Do you know who I am? I am descended from a long line of Judean face fuckers. We're the ones who do the video. What did we say about Genie Owl? What did we say? This is why we have rules. And in the very same breath, he tells Titus that anybody who disagrees with him more than twice is sinful, perverted, and self-condemned. Yep, those are his words.

And then he closes with some random selections from his Facebook timeline. He's looking forward to seeing Zenas the lawyer. He decided to winter in Nicopolis, and his relationship with Artemis is complicated. Anti-Semitism, misogyny, and slavery endorsement all in one tiny little itty-bitty book. Right. Makes you wonder why they felt like they needed the rest of this testament, really. All the important shit is right there.

We're done. We should have been done a long time ago. Well, I sure do hope this Bible eventually tells us how we're supposed to treat a slave after they convert to Christianity. Because I don't think I can evaluate this Jesus stuff and that whole big message if he never addresses

how we're supposed to treat a slave after they convert. That's the important stuff. Yeah. And of course, the next book on the list could have been printed on a business card. So it'd probably be something of an afterthought in the Bible if it wasn't so fucking weird. All right. So the letter itself is apparently something that Paul sent along to Philemon with Philemon's slave Onesimus.

And clearly there's something that, now this is actually Paul as far as anyone knows. And clearly there's something Paul really wants Philemon to do with his slave, but he never actually says what it is. So it's pretty much impossible to take anything of substance away from this book. Yeah. And the weirdness starts right away in this one too. Paul identifies himself in the first verse as a prisoner of christ jesus and timothy our brother i mean i get the prisoner of jesus thing and metaphorical you know whatever but is paul timothy's gimp too i don't get it it'll be a radical reinterpretation

i would enjoy that one way more and after that he goes on what sounds like a heartfelt thanks for a pity fuck at some point in the past. Again, no details, but apparently Paul received much joy and encouragement from Philemon's love. Which somehow gets twisted into, I owe you a favor, and I'm calling in on it. Philemon's sitting at home saying, that isn't how that works, dude. Yeah, right? Paul says, listen, remember that runaway slave you're all pissed about? Funny story.

I found him. We talked about Jesus and we had some gay sex and now I'm sending him back. So if he owes you money or whatever, just put it on my tab and then erase my tab because I saved you from eternal damnation. That one time. Yeah. So he takes the money the slave has on him and he calls it even. And he does it so passive-aggressively, too.

I could totally make you do what I want you with my Jesus-imbued Professor Xavier powers, but I'd rather appeal to you through love. Right, yeah, exactly. And then we get to the slave Onesimus. And at first it sounded like Paul was imprisoned with the slave, and then the slave got out, but he was such a good prison bitch that Paul wanted him back. I didn't get that at all.

By the way, the word Onesimus means useful. That's the name of their slave. Wow. I'm going to send Adequate Dirt Mover back to the plantation. Yeah, he's Christian now, so be slightly nicer. Again, retarded white kid is a good rule of thumb. That's perfect. And then, without remotely spelling out

what he wants Philimon to do, he says, I didn't want to do it without your consent, so I was hoping you'd do it voluntarily before I forced you to. Right. Like, I'm going to slap you, but if you'd like, you can put a bug on your cheek. And we can act like I was just going for that.

I just pretend we didn't do that. That's it. And then. And I'm pretty sure. He talks about how sexy. Onesimus is here. But I can't tell exactly. What he's going for.

It's weird. And then he shifts gears. And it sounds less like he's asking for the slave kid back. And more like he's asking Philemon to forgive him for running away. Or trying to convince him not to throw out a good slave until he's tried the asshole out. It could equally well be either. It's all about interpretation. I feel like it was both.

You know, what better way to offer redemption to a runaway slave than Christianity and getting sodomized by the exact slave master who he wronged. Not in a gay way, though, in like a salvation butt sex. That could be a description of Christianity. What did you say? Getting sodomized by the slave owner who you wronged? Yeah, that's soteriology right there.

We learned that word at the beginning of the show. And then he wraps up his whole I want you to do this unstated thing voluntarily bit by saying oh and when i get out of prison i'm gonna crash on your couch for a while no implication of voluntary in that one no no not at all and then he tells philemon that mark apophoris aristarchus demas and luke all said what up and and then it's over and the most bizarre thing about it is that it's in the Bible. I mean, if Paul lived in the modern day,

this would be like including the angry email he sent to Arby's corporate. Yes, we're just basically scrounging the world for scraps of paper that Paul might have ripped on at this point. Find a bar napkin from Paul and God spake thusly of tic-tac-toe.

Thou shalt use the corner strategy and call Mary. For a good time. That makes no sense. The napkin says it is so. Do not doubt the words of the Paul napkin. And if it give you some winning advice on tic-tac-toe, that would be the most useful section of this book, actually. Yeah, right, right.

That would be nice. Finally get some advice. Well, the good news is that we're done with letters from Paul and fake Paul at this point. Now, we do still have some letters, mind you, and the Vulgate attributes Hebrews to Paul, but they're wrong, and it never says it's Paul within the book. So fuck off, Paul. We're done with your ass.

We're going to do Hebrews in three weeks. Then we knock out James and both the Peters after that, all the Johns and the Jude after that. And then it's on to Revelation. Only four more battles to go. Hooray! Such a fun book club. Hooray. Are we done yet? the johns and the jude after that and then it's on to revelation only four more battles to go it's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that doesn't recognize the hypocritical underpinnings of intentionally addressing so that people will know that you don't care what they think of you. Hello.

Our first message comes from Eric, who tried to correct our pronunciation of Rowan County, Kentucky last week and wanted to take another crack at it. In a follow-up, he writes, quote, thought this might help you make sense of Rowan County's pronunciation. How do you pronounce J.K. Rowling? That kind of row. So I suppose she, like the citizens of Rowan County, doesn't know how to pronounce her name, end quote. Okay, so now you're justifying your pronunciation advice with how British people people say shit dude this is getting sad i'm sorry but british people managed to insert the letter w into the word milk somehow it's madness and scottish is nearly incomprehensible even to british people let's be reasonable right based on all right so look i was all ready to concede the point to you because i looked it

up and in the absence of a definitive source, I was going to go with the standard pronunciation of the actual word rowan, which is a type of tree and is pronounced rowan. However, I'm a pedantic fuck that doesn't like to be wrong, so I did some digging. Rowan County, Kentucky is named after 19th century politician John Rowan, whose surname is Irish and is always pronounced Rowan in every example I can find. Think Rowan Atkinson. It's the same name. Unless, of course, you go with the traditional Gaelic pronunciation, which would be ruin, and that's not what you're arguing. So, yes, the people in this county,

much like the poor, dictionally challenged folks in Houston, Texas, don't know how to pronounce the place that they live. This is more common than you would think. Yeah, right. It's not pronounced New York, despite what you might hear from us locals. That would be ridiculous. Yeah, right. It's not pronounced New York, despite what you might hear from us locals. That would be ridiculous. Yeah, exactly. You can't correct that.

But I also have to say that Eric's choice of examples really had me raising an eyebrow. But I'll throw him a bone. I'm glad that his intellectual prowess forced me to growl my knowledge base without all that low bro bro beating that so often lets good points get droned out in the crowd. So thanks for the follow-up, bro, and I hope that you don't mind eating a little crow. By the way, that's Noah's nice way of saying I was right. Please feel free to go ahead and blow me. Every good chance.

I don't know how nice it was, but yeah. No, that wasn't the message. We love you. I appreciate it. And finally, tonight, we had a tweet from at Cal Alera, who asks, quote, just curious, how do you normally counter the atheism is a religion to apologetic? So my first answer would be, no, it's not a religion to that's not what religion means. And you could you could do with British. No, it's not.

That helps to specifically there's a mechanism within atheism to stop being atheist that mechanism doesn't exist for truly faithful religious people right but also look the word means a thing if reading from the dictionary doesn't do the trick you're probably not dealing with an intellectually honest person but to be fair in my experience this bullshit generally stems from a misunderstanding of the word atheism more than a misunderstanding of the word religion so i find that spelling out the whole agnostic atheist concept is probably the most effective way you know to get at the root of their error yeah atheism is a religion in the same sense that i don't believe in santa claus is a religion and we'd all become apostates if santa

landed on the roof with some reindeer so yeah right right and i think that's it just keep coming back to evidence now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go over here and worship before the altar of the Loch Ness Monster not existing, like we do. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingiblecomedy.com Quick reminder, it's moved to its own feed now, so you'll have to subscribe to it separately if you want your weekly dose of Eli. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check out a new episode of that aforementioned New Sister podcast, which will be available in a mere 7,141 minutes, 47 seconds. Obviously, I can't cue the music without thanking Heath for making every day of work worth looking forward to. I need to thank the beautiful and talented Lucinda Lusions for making every day of my life worth looking forward to.

And I want to thank friend of the show and friend of mine, Shane Thrapp, for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Honestly, I say, you know, go to a lot of different conferences, but look, I saw Sarah Moorhead's talk at ReasonCon, brought a tear to my eye, which was super fucking awkward because I had to go on stage and make dick jokes immediately afterward. Oh, and also, Shelley Segal for fuck's sake, so go. If you're anywhere near

Myrtle Beach and you're free the weekend of October 2nd, make this happen again. Show notes, skatingatheist. Oh, and also, Shelley Seagal for fuck's sake. So go. If you're anywhere near Myrtle Beach and you're free the weekend of October 2nd, make this happen again. Show notes, skatingatheist.com. You know the drill. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most honorable hominids, Nick, Chris with a K, Rob, The Just, Nicholas, Jeff, Jacob, E. Allen, and Todd. Nick, Chris with a K, and Rob, whose ejaculations could force a total protonic

reversal if crossed. The Just, Nicholas, and Jeff, who are so bright people have to build those little eclipse boxes to Skype with them and Jacob E. Allen and Todd whose dicks are so big they were mistaken for conjoined twins. Together these nine noble non-believers who, in an effort to ensure that our incriminating invective against the Nicene

nutbags never ceases, nominally nudged up our net worth this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the exemplary genitals it takes to give us money, but if you think your naughty bits are up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, where you'll earn early access to extended editions of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but not enough to give us money, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a glowing review on iTunes, Stitcher, etc., or by telling a friend about the show and then quizzing them later to make sure they listen to it. That's important. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Throw your hands in the air! And wave them around like you just don't care Cause let's face it When it really comes down to it You don't

Everybody else is doing it So it's not like you look stupid I'm doing it by myself Up here on the motherfucking stage So I'm the only one looking stupid Wave your hands for apathy now