The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 138: That's His Name Edition

Episode Date: October 8, 2015

In this week's episode, Oklahoma residents will no longer know whose name they can and can't use in vain; we learn that the folks at the WBC have never even heard of a turkey helmet; and Nick Morgan-Moore will be here to fill my inbox with angry emails for the next couple of weeks at least.

Warning, when you subtract out the conjunctions and the pronouns, the majority of the words in this podcast are obscene. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new over-caffeinated beverage for the active heathen on the go, Flying Spaghetti Monster Energy Drink. Do you sometimes get that lazy 2.30 feeling during a long day of persecuting Christians? Do you occasionally run out of the meth that we gave you at headquarters? Do you have trouble staying focused while you mug Christian school children and steal their Bibles? Don't worry, we've got the solution. Flying spaghetti

monster energy. Unleash the beast of the apocalypse. And now, the skating atheist. This is Ishmael Brown the hnic from the angry black ramp podcast and let me be the first to admit that the kkk was partially right when it came to my black ass though i'm not an actual monkey i did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men and so did their white ass. It's Thursday. It's October 8th. And fuck Dallas Keuchel and his hipster beard and his pretentious fucking vinyl collection.

Baseball's stupid anyway. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from pork belly futurist Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Oklahoma residents will no longer know whose names they can and can't use in vain. We learn that the people at 785-273-0325 have never even heard of a turkey helmet. And Nick Morganmore will be here to fill my inbox with angry shit for the next couple of weeks. But first, the diatribe. Boy, the national media is just desperate

for an atheist to massacre some religious people, aren't they? Yeah, I guess the 80% of their American audience that's religious would love to hear some stories about how, no, it's not just religious zealots that do that shit. It would reinforce their desperate narrative that religion doesn't factor into mass killings at all. I mean, that's clearly the story they want to tell.

Because no matter how clear the motive is, when it's a religious person, they're going to point to a number of covariances and say, sure, the people doing X killings share a religion, but they also share these other factors, so it must be those other factors. And yes, they say that they're motivated by their religion, but what are you going to do? You're going to trust a mass murderer? I mean, come on. So whether it's a Christian murdering an abortion doctor, or a Muslim murdering a teacher, or a Buddhist murdering a Muslim, you can always say, well, the root of the problem is some other factor like class or racism or just general hatred, but the religion gets out of jail free. But of course, nothing would counter the accusation

that religion actually does play a role in this more than a person driven to murder by their atheism, right? I mean, if a mass murderer went out and killed a bunch of Christians in the name of atheism, you know, and claimed that atheism offered them a justification for it, that they felt that it was their obligation as an atheist to kill these religious people, well, all of a sudden my position becomes damn near untenable, right? And the American media, of course, is primarily catering to people who disagree with that position. So they want that story. They want that balance. And based on what we've seen out of Oregon, they want it so bad they're willing to manufacture it. So consider this. Christian nut goes crazy and murders a Jewish family. What's the standard

of evidence before the media would report this as a Christian targeting Jews? You know, what would the standard of evidence have to be before the media would say, yes, this Christian person was out to kill Jews and these are the ones he found? I mean, sure, if he walks into a mosque or a Sikh temple or something, it's pretty clear that he was targeting a religion.

But if he just happened to kill somebody of a certain religion, how much clear evidence that it was a religiously motivated thing would the media demand before they would start making that claim? Or let's say a Muslim killed a bunch of Christians. Sure, the majority of the people in this country would probably assume terrorism right away, but what would the media say? How much evidence would they have to have before they'd come out and say, yeah, looks like this Muslim dude was targeting Christians? You know, I mean, obviously they don't want to stoke an already simmering undercurrent of bigotry

by misidentifying a person's motivations based on assumptions, and with good reason. So if anything, the mainstream media is a little overcautious about labeling a mass killing by a Muslim as being religiously motivated. But apparently, when it comes to atheists, it's perfectly okay to just assume that they're killing because they were atheists and their victims were religious, even though that's basically never happened. It's perfectly acceptable to report that, yes, the atheist was targeting religious people, and you don't need any evidence at all. In fact, you can even report that if the evidence is overwhelmingly against you. And of course, I'm talking about the semi-current narrative coming out of Oregon.

Sure, some media outlets are starting to back away from it now that there are mountains of evidence piling up against it, but even now, plenty of major media outlets, both left and right, are perpetuating the myth that the Oregon shooter was an atheist that was targeting anyone religious. In fact, I've heard those exact words used on CNN after the sheriff investigating the crime came out publicly and said that they do not believe that that's what happened. So just in case you haven't been following the story and all you've seen is the Christian paranoia and a few headlines, let me assure you that no, the Oregon shooter was not an atheist

that was targeting Christians or religious people in general. Let's start with the shooter here. I'm not going to mention his name, but I will say that the reports that he was un-atheist are pretty fucking dubious. From what I see, they're based on an online dating profile where he described himself as spiritual but not religious. Now, keep in mind that there are a number of boxes

that he could have checked on this particular thing, including atheist and agnostic, and he did not check those boxes. So say what you will about the technical definition of the word atheist, but from what we can tell, he definitely didn't identify himself as one, which means the media probably shouldn't take the liberty themselves. And of course, we can also look at the victims. The media narrative I've heard over and over again is that he was targeting anyone religious, but if you look at what's known about the victims, again, as near as I can tell right now, we have two Christians, a pagan, an agnostic, a secular Jew, and four people of unknown faith. Now, this doesn't disprove the

narrative that he was targeting people of any religion, but it certainly doesn't support it. We know the religion of five of his victims, and almost half of them are non-religious. Now, for those of you who haven't dug into the case at all and only saw the headlines, you're probably wondering how the fuck this narrative developed at all. Well, for that, we have to look at the crime itself, because the one thing that seems to be verified is that before the shooter killed somebody, he asked them if they were religious. Now, some secondhand accounts have come out and said that he would only shoot the people who were religious, but that's directly contradicted by firsthand accounts, the known religion of multiple victims, and the person in charge of the investigation. An alternative explanation that's been offered as to why he

was asking about religion is that it helped him to pull the trigger if he knew that person thought they were going to heaven. I mean, I guess that's possible, but who the fuck knows? All I know is that I don't know enough to assign a motive to what he did, so apparently I know more than CNN. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a guy who didn't break his rib twice in the last nine days, Heath Enright.

Heath, are you ready for me to me to like rotate my torso vicariously through you for a couple of days of all the things you've rotated through me that sounds like the least enjoyable but i guess you know if you makes you feel better i appreciate it in our lead story tonight the vatican just couldn't wait to validate the diatribe from last week so they celebrated pope frantasia's successful u.s trip by firing a priest for being gay as soon as they got home. Polish theologian Monsignor Krzysztof Karamsa came out in a recent newspaper interview that sought to challenge the Vatican's pre-industrial age views on homosexuality. And while I doubt he did much to challenge the views, he no doubt highlighted the views. Yeah, well, it sounds

like Mr. Karamsa was having sex with gay men. Right. Which it's too bad for him because if it was little boys, he'd still have a job. Yeah, right, right. Probably also a villa in Argentina, I guess. It's un-fucking-real. Karamza has worked at the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith for like a dozen years before this announcement. Within hours of the paper's publication, he was relieved from that position. Not for being gay, but for fucking anyone of any gender that isn't a little boy. So to the credit of Karamza, as much as I'd love it if he'd done this shit right before Pope Frantz equated views on homosexuality, visited the U.S., the actual timing of his announcement wasn't exactly random.

It came, in fact, on the eve of a major synod where Catholic bishops are slated to discuss family issues, which in their mind includes gay hating. Yeah, right. How to hate gay people as a family. Right. Every Friday night. Monopoly and hating gays together. Fun. Now, Karamza justified his actions at a press conference where he explained, quote,

this decision of mine to come out was a very personal one taken in a Catholic church that is homophobic and very difficult and harsh towards gays end quote in other words fuck off about the global warming shit these assholes are still against human rights let's focus on nothing but all the that and the kid fucking until that stuff's fixed and then we can worry about getting them up to speed on environmental policy and evolution all right and now i going to go walk into a gay bar. I'm a Polish priest. I bet the bartender says something. Who's it? Who's it? Of course, this also comes on the heels of the Vatican's desperate attempt to explain what the fuck Pope franachronism was doing meeting privately with homophobic county clerk and universal lunch lady archetype Kim

Davis. After both denying the meeting and trying to distract us with a laser pointer failed, the Pope's handlers sought to deflect criticism of the meeting by pointing out that the meeting wasn't meant as an endorsement of Davis's action and also that some of the Pope's best friends are gay. And yes, they actually mentioned that repeatedly and then cited that fact and that he met with like several bona fide queers on his trip, along with video that doesn't at all scream this is a photo op. queers on his trip along with video that doesn't at all scream this is a photo op like one of those walls with holes for your head like at the museum except this time it's a four-way

glory hole instead of a painting see glory hole just like genuine gay yeah exactly real of course davis's legal counsel continued to insist that the vatican initiated the meeting though the vatican expects us to believe that she just showed up and asked if she could use his bathroom or something now he also says that church officials helped him sneak her and her husband into the vatican embassy in disguise a fact someone supported by the fact that the pope was buried in media coverage from the second he arrived until the second he left and nobody knew about the clandestine meeting until davis's lawyers told everybody about it so as near as any kind of logical examination of the situation can discern, yes, the Pope met with Kim Davis to privately support breaking the law to suppress the rights

of gays. And yes, their HR department has a similar policy. Yes, they do. And in spring ahead, fall well back news tonight. The Turkey safety experts over at the Westboro Baptist Church announced last week that they're thinking about diversifying their message a little bit. Confident that bereaved families of dead soldiers are mostly aware that God hates fags at this point, the WBC may begin focusing their efforts instead on protesting against the godless pursuit of meteorology. Huh. Literally just what I said. They're saying that predicting weather is an affront to God because I guess that's his weather. Right. Yeah, exactly. They don't understand what predicting means. So they think meteorologists are like claiming credit for what's happening. prediction is a sin tour we'll move on to protesting fantasy football analysts which you know what which i'm okay with this year oh sam bradford's gonna do great and ship kelly's offense all right you'll give me great late round pickup fuck you so these people are actually planning to stage an

ideological protest against forecasting outside the national weather center in norman oklahoma according to their official statement, quote, Note to weather reporting rebels. Rebels? Rebels. Nothing happens in this earth without the direct command of God. End quote. They also sent out the following tweet.

Quote, The day comes when all weather rules, as you know them, will be gone. What? America crossed the Rubicon when, by force of law, you permitted same-sex marriage. Oh. End quote. Meteorologists did that.

But doesn't that mean that God made meteorology? But I understand where they're coming from, though, because I guess nothing fucks up your God's-gonna-smite-us-for-all-the-butt-fucking narrative like hurricanes turning north after just drenching the anti-fag states. I can see why they're pissed about this.

Right. So two things. If we cross the Rubicon that means there's nothing we can do about it now. That's what that phrase means. Yes, exactly.

So standing outside a building with signs is probably the dumbest thing you could do at this point. Yeah, the Caesar go home placards didn't save the Republic, as I recall. This is a grammar. I don't want to get into it.

Anyway. Also, the thing with the weather rules changing, that's a really weird end times punishment from God. Isn't it? You know those rules of weather prediction you humans cherish so dearly? Out the window. Out the window. You're wearing a hoodie when all you need is a t-shirt have fun tying it around your waist all day in hell heathens god weather god's running out of shit and in pastor piper praised a pack of pious peckers news tonight

atheists need to stop fucking according to pastor john piper writing for media juggernaut charisma news piper explained that when god invented sex he only meant for christians to have it even though he didn't invent christianity for millions of years quote sex belongs to christians because sex belongs to god if it is used by those who do not believe the truth So atheists are a bunch of whores. He continues, quote, That's true. Naughty whores. We're naughty, naughty whores.

Right, yeah. Atheist sex. The Facebook to Christianity's MySpace. Right. More viruses, but way more people. Way more thumbs up. Oh, nice. Fun stuff.

Check out Facebook. You'll enjoy it. Oh, shit. That just became a bumper sticker right at the end there. Yeah, so his argument essentially boils down to God created sex, therefore it belongs to people who believe in God. Of course, the fact that this means that tetanus, self-mutilation, and scrotal trauma were also created by God didn't inspire him to hammer a rusty nail through his balls or lay exclusive claim on such activities. It speaks to the ephemeral nature of his rationale, is all I'm saying.

Yeah, I mean, God created consent also, just not quite enough to go around, apparently. Right, yeah, exactly. It's a choice, deciding how much consent to make. So this next portion of the quote is so crammed with God's going to squirt on your tits innuendo that I might need some help annotating. So you mind to squirt on your tits innuendo that I might need some help annotating. So, you mind?

Squirting on your tits? No, no, I meant annotating the innuendo. Oh, okay. Let's see what I can do. I'm not ruling that out. It's still on the table. Later. Quote,

The pleasures of sex are themselves an overflow of God's own goodness. That's Bukkake, obviously. Clearly. This pleasure is less than what Bukkake, obviously. Clearly. This pleasure is less than what we will know fully in him. Anal. At his right hand. Fisting. And in it.

Anal fisting. We taste something of his very exquisiteness. And that would be snowballing. Closing with snowballing. Check, check, check, check, check. End quote. And in help, help, I'm being repressed news tonight following the tragic mass shooting in roseburg oregon last week tennessee lieutenant governor ron ramsey wants christians to come see the violence inherent in the system and then buy

some guns so they can take part in it. Apparently. After reading several false reports that the gunman was only targeting Christians, and also opting against any further research that would have easily corrected that notion, Ramsey went on Facebook and posted a rant telling fellow Jesus heads to start carrying deadly weapons more often. For safety. Uh-huh. Statistically, this strategy doesn't work, but he's pretty sure numbers lie. I've heard people say that. If everyone was HIV positive,

we wouldn't have to worry about this AIDS problem. Yeah, we could fuck everybody and they wouldn't have to worry about it. Yeah, by the way, guy, nothing irresponsible about using your position in government to encourage people to arm themselves against an imaginary threat. And also shoot them little lines in

the periphery of your eye fluid. Them motherfuckers will get you. They're after you. What the fuck's wrong with this asshole? So, according to Mr. Ramsey, quote, whether the perpetrators are motivated by aggressive secularism, jihadist extremism, or racial supremacy, their targets remain the same christians and defenders of the west end quote first of all aggressive secularism yeah that's first yes yeah you know jihadists uh neo-nazis atheists is probably one of those guys you round up the usual suspects

fuck you yeah you know what i've already done a diatribe about this kind of today, but that doesn't mean I'm out of gas. So fuck you, you socially pathological, capricious, persecution, fetish-having, delusional, paranoid, fallacious, deceptive resident of a fucking Wild West fantasy. You just encouraged people to kill me. That's what happened, yeah.

I'm not sure that was exactly your intent, but what you effectively did was just encourage people to murder me quick before's what happened. Yeah. I'm not sure that was exactly your intent, but what you effectively did was just encourage people to murder me quick before I could murder them. Fuck you. Unbelievable. And also,

strangely enough, nothing from this guy suggesting that, like, Sikhs need to start carrying more assault rifles after that massacre at their temple in Wisconsin. Huh.

No Facebook messages telling Muslims in North Carolina to get more guns if they want to park a car. No campaign to send oath keepers to protect against mosque attacks. He hasn't mentioned any of these things. Surprise, surprise. Yeah, I'm guessing this was one of the assholes who pointed to that white supremacist attack in the black church in Charleston and called it an attack against Christians.

There were several of them. A couple of them are running for president, by the way. Polling in the top ten. And just in case this guy wasn't being charmingly stupid enough yet, Ramsey closed it out with a little nugget of redneck wisdom for us. Quote, I have always believed that it is better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it. End quote. Which is completely meaningless.

Right. That works for gun and, which is completely meaningless. Right. That works for gun and also all the other nouns. Right. It's like saying it's better to have food and also have more food than to be starving and have no food. Right, right. Yeah, exactly. So while we ponder what exactly Ramsey would rather need and not have,

we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's your slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Massage.

You know, I've never understood why any women are religious. I mean, I guess I understand the pagans and stuff to a certain degree, and I understand that a lot of women aren't really in a position where they can escape their faith. But why any woman would voluntarily remain a Catholic or a Muslim or a Jew or a Mormon, it just strikes me as a black man renewing his membership in the KKK. But to their credit, I suppose the only hope of reforming the institutional misogyny of these churches is from the inside. I mean, I prefer that everyone bails in suddenly they're less powerful than a suburban book club method myself, but that might not be realistic

in the short term. So I'd like to dedicate this particular week in misogyny to a few of the hardworking gals trying to de-chauvinize their various religions. We'll start in Vatican City, where the Vatican's ongoing synod on the family will discuss pivotal social issues like divorce, premarital relationships, and LGBT issues, all without the aid of a single female voice or vote. Unlike previous incarnations of this meeting, however, the Vatican was nice enough to allow 30 women to audit the synod. As long as they sit in the back, don't speak during the grown-up time, and don't distract the men with their heathenous bosoms.

Now, a lot of attention is paid to the Vatican's outdated bullshit views on things like contraception, homosexuality, and the ordination of women. And those are all things that we should be paying a lot more attention to. More than we pay to the Pope's encyclical on climate change, that's for sure. But one of the really despicable things that often gets glazed over is their downright prehistoric views on divorce. Look, the demonization of divorce is one of the main things that keeps religious women trapped in abusive relationships.

Women who are told from birth that a marriage is like a living, breathing thing that must be saved at all costs often place the sanctity of marriage ahead of their own personal safety and the safety of their children. birth that a marriage is like a living, breathing thing that must be saved at all costs, often place the sanctity of marriage ahead of their own personal safety and the safety of their children. And people die over this. Any religion that would summarily discourage divorce is a danger to women everywhere. And from the Catholics, we'll turn our eyes to a religion that makes them look like teenagers.

America's oldest Jewish congregation is facing a lawsuit after allegedly firing Alana Schultz, the program director of 11 years, for the unforgivable crime of getting pregnant before her wedding. Now keep in mind what kind of a low-grade sin this is. This is a woman having sex with a man she is engaged to in a religion where she's discouraged from using birth control. According to the lawsuit, she informed her boss that she was pregnant before she left for her honeymoon, and when she returned, she learned that she'd been replaced in her absence. They offered her six-week severance, which would have been a hell of a lot nicer

if they hadn't excluded medical coverage from it. So yes, not only did they take away the six-and-a-half-month pregnant newlyweds' income, but they also took away her medical insurance. In case you're wondering, by the way, yes, firing a pregnant woman for being pregnant is a violation of both federal and New York state labor laws. But of course, religions don't have to follow those laws because religions don't have to follow laws in this fucking country. So there isn't much hope of a successful outcome for Alana, except maybe a kickstart on her path toward atheism. So Alana, in case you're listening out there, doll, welcome to the club.

Wish you got here under better circumstances. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Who's Your Daddy news tonight, anti-gay activists are celebrating a Pyrrhic victory after one of their leading voices in state government resigned to disgrace for something other than fucking dudes. Indiana House Majority Leader Judd McMillan, known nationally for his co-sponsorship of Indiana's notoriously discriminatory religious freedom bill, has stepped down after a sexually

explicit video of him in an adulterous affair was leaked online. And providing yet more evidence for my people who crusade against LGBTgbt rights are fucking idiots hypothesis the man behind the leak was himself when he accidentally texted the video to a large number of his supporters so uh you know what i do to to avoid stuff like this what's that i don't make sex videos and when i do if i'm married my wife's always part of the cast that's just common courtesy at the very least. And good strategy. So McMillan apparently tried to distance himself from the accidental text by claiming his phone was stolen during the time it was sent. And then upon realizing that it doesn't matter who sent the goddamn video, he ultimately elected to resign.

In his statement, the conspicuously failed to mention anything about texting his dick to random people. He explained that it was time for him to spend more time with his family, probably in a court of some kind. Right. And then every other weekend with a court-appointed chaperone. Exactly, yeah. Enjoy. Now, it's probably worth noting that this is not the first time McMillan has had to resign in disgrace over charges of sexual misconduct, and this is by no means the worst of the two examples. Before being elected to the Indiana House, but after facing charges of petty theft and vehicular homicide, McMillan was forced to resign his position as a deputy prosecutor after charges arose that he used his position to blackmail

a domestic violence victim into a sexual relationship, all of which was a matter of public record before the good people of Indiana's 68th District saw fit to elect him to speak on their behalf on subjects like the good people of indiana's 68th district saw fit to elect him to speak on their behalf on subjects like the sanctity of marriage good job guys yeah and in apocalypse gerrymandering news tonight commissioner karen miller of blount county tennessee recently drafted what she's calling quote a resolution condemning judicial tyranny and petitioning God's mercy. Oh, what?

Yeah. So public funds. As far as I can tell, that just means she wrote down something homophobic on a piece of paper and then took that piece of paper to a government meeting where she tried to have everyone resolve to it with her, which is completely meaningless, just like it's out. Yeah, right. Nonetheless, Ms. Miller is quite certain this will get them a regional wrath of God exemption.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I love that the omniscient guy needs to be reminded through legislation, though. Not prayer, just legislation. Come on, lady, just smear lamb blood on your threshold, you dumbass or just like tie a euro around your face just tie a string around him that works for the jews he can't see stuff when it's tied to the string he they've known this god way longer than you guys

so fortunately the local commission had enough sense to vote 10-5 against even discussing the crazy lady's resolution lest annie laurie Gaylor bust in like the Kool-Aid man and give them a stern talking to, which is exactly what should happen when government employees are wasting time on shit like the following. Quote, We adopt this resolution before God

that he pass us by in his coming wrath and not destroy our county as he did Sodom and Gomorrah. Oh, fuck. Government, real, document. So basically, dear God, Blount County hates fags too. Please confine the brimstone to the neighboring areas with all the Sodomites. All the best. Pee in my V right now.

Carry on. Straight people in Blount. Insane. And in Deca logging off news tonight, the Ten Commandments monument that has profaned the lawn of the Oklahoma Capitol grounds finally came to an end this week, marking the most overlong drama to come to an end since Lost. And this one had the better ending, obviously.

Now, on Monday, workers began digging out the monument after repeated court orders demanded its removal. And by Tuesday, it was already re-erected in its new home outside of a local think tank that didn't want people taking that think word too seriously. Really, it's just several idiots in a tank in Oklahoma somewhere. And if they just put that on the sign, it would be a much better tourist draw, too. So the 4,800-pound slab of stupid was removed several days ahead of an October 12th deadline imposed by the state Supreme Court. In an effort to pretend that the art model nature of the middle-of-the-night removal had nothing to do with crazy Christian persecution feliacs that would likely show up and shackle themselves to the fucking thing if they waited until the deadline, officials pretended that they just didn't want to disturb workers at the capitol building with all that heavy equipment right yeah of course wouldn't want to drown out all that great legislation they're doing over at

the oklahoma capitol building right yeah we hate gay people what gay people we hate gay people you get it same as before say oh i got it got it same as before okay jackhammer is loud apparently the state paid the group that removed the monument about 4700 which can now be added to the undisclosed amount of money the state pissed away repeatedly defending the blatantly unconstitutional monument in court and then repeatedly appealing the ruling while the governor attempted to stage a fucking coup over it. There are no reports of local residents descending into orgies of adulterous murder and or golden calf worship, but it's only been a couple of days, so I'm sure it's still coming. And finally tonight, from the Arrested Development File, anti-choice protesters outside of a women's health clinic in Norfolk, Virginia,

spoke with the Christian News Network last week to complain about being forced to hear offensive preaching while they were simply minding their own business and forcing people to hear offensive preaching. Right. According to the report, the clinic has been playing outdoor speakers to use noise pollution against noise pollution for a while now but most recently they decided to get specific with their protester

parking lot mix in place of the normal german industrial klezmer dubstep or whatever they're using they opted instead to play excerpts from the happy Atheist by PZ Myers. Right, right, exactly. Because apparently they aren't aware that you and I have spent the last 33 months compiling a dedicated 104-hour anti-abortion protester playlist. I mean, no offense to PZ, but we have such a higher fuck ratio, and he hardly ever talks about Jesus getting fucked in the wrist holes. We've brought that up several times. Right. ever talks about Jesus getting fucked in the wrist holes. We've brought that up several times. That's a drawback, right.

So for the record, if anybody at that Norfolk, Virginia Women's Health Clinic is listening, we'll record live if you want us to. I'm just saying. Just saying. By the way, great place to start. Episode 128, Spittoon Full of Fetuses Edition. You could. Featuring Dom and Cecil from Cognitive Distance, of course.

But I guess the clinic wanted to go highbrow. Fair enough. So here's the passage from P.Z. Myers they used. Quote, we are apes and the descendants of apes. We are the descendants of rat-like primates who were the children of reptiles, who were the spawn of amphibians, who were the terrestrial progeny of fish, who came from worms, who were assembled from single cell microorganisms who were the products of chemistry your daddy was a film of chemical slime on a haitian rock and he didn't care about you he was only obeying the laws of thermodynamics and quote also proves that rb gats are better than theirs too that's gotta piss him off i mean like that is good but like guys heath

said telling women they're better off with their clits sliced off is like telling somebody you're only keeping your dick in that puppy so nobody can rape it. I'm guessing that runs off more protesters. Call it a hunch. Yeah, so I definitely like the atheist lecture series idea, but they probably want to throw in some abortionist music in there too. Oh, of course. they probably want to throw in some abortionist music in there too you know of course and i'm guessing the reason you don't find many examples in that genre is for lack of titles with terrible puns and i'm thinking we can help let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock there it is songs for the abortion clinic mixtape go all right all right how about don't blast a sphere of the Reaper?

I got a fever. The only prescription is this abortion. All right. What about still born in the USA? Oh, nice. Are you 486 lonesome tonight? By, of course, Pelvis Messily. Obviously.

What about this song saved my life by Simple Plan b of course my wife's life um how about coat hanger 18 by agadath no i had i had to throw the coat hanger you got to just jam that coat hanger in whether it belongs or not speaking of which um what about hanger on sloopy third trimester of puppets oh Oh, nice, nice, yeah. Of course. Oh, God! Fun visual for everybody. Now mine is going to seem a lot less offensive.

How about, I will miscarry you by dismisspatch. What about, egg drop it like it's hot. Or, Mr. Big, fallopian tube, be with you. Oh, how about, What about Egg Drop It Like It's Hot? Or Mr. Big Fallopian Tube Be With You?

Oh, how about Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Mellow Pulse and Clotted Preemie? By, of course, the Breach Boys. Of course. All right, I got one more. What about Smells Like Teen Parent? Of course. And quick before one of us makes a suicide photo joke we're going to close the headlines out for the night he thanks as always double dragon

and when we come back nick morgan more will be here to tell us why baby murder accomplice and comedian often go hand in hand If you're anything like me, you've all probably been dragged into a police station in the middle of the night and forced to submit a handwriting sample and a vial of semen to be cleared of a vandalism charge against a Ronald McDonald statue. And if you're anything like me, you probably wondered exactly why they needed the handwriting sample. What dark and hidden recesses of your mind might they be able to unlock based on nothing but your penmanship? anything like me you probably wondered exactly why they needed the handwriting sample what dark and hidden recesses of your mind might they be able to unlock based on nothing but your penmanship and why did they ask you to write hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker what the fuck well in hopes of unraveling exactly how much they might know we're going to put the art of graphology

under the microscope as we ask how bullshit is it so heath tell us what is graphology under the microscope as we ask, how bullshit is it? So Heath, tell us, what is graphology? Well, it's kind of like tea leaf reading, but with ink. Right. Okay. But the editorial bit is supposed to come at the end. So like, what's the definition of graphology? All right.

It's the analysis of the physical characteristics of handwriting in order to determine the personality characteristics of the writer. Gotcha. Okay, so just to set a baseline here, what information can a person realistically glean from another person's signature? That would be their name. That's it? Well, not always entirely. It depends on the handwriting. You can almost always figure out the initials, I guess.

Well, I mean, you can at least determine stuff like gender can't you well you can make relatively accurate predictions about a person's gender and occasionally you can pick up some vague idea of their education level but neither of those are accurate enough to call this a science or anything close to it so okay but i mean i know about a lot of highile criminal cases that are ultimately decided by handwriting analysis. So are you saying that all of those cases rested on a pseudoscience? No, no, no, no. What you're actually thinking about

is forensic document examination. That's actually a legitimate branch of forensic science in which a thorough examination of handwriting is used to determine whether a given document is a forgery. Unfortunately, a number of graphologists are also forensic document examiners, and very often they go to great lengths to conflate the two practices for some reason. Well, why would they want to conflate those two things if they were both legitimate things? They wouldn't. I see. I guess I have to be honest, I'm actually

a bit surprised that this isn't based on a firmer foundation. I've just seen it presented in so many places as though it were an authentic branch of psychoanalysis. Well, the illusion of legitimacy dissolves pretty quickly when you start looking at the specific types of things graphologists say. For example? Well, they might interpret an abnormally wide space between words as an indicator of loneliness. Or that a strong final stroke betrays a person who resents being told what to do. Okay, now we're sounding like bullshit. Right.

That's probably why the British Psychological Society ranks it as precisely as valid as astrology. Zero valid. Well, as silly as this all sounds, I guess it ranks pretty low on the general societal harm scale when you compare it to the other stuff that we cover on this segment. Yeah, but only because we cover so many truly fucked up things on this segment. It's not like there are no negative consequences to the belief in graphology. There definitely are. Okay, so like what, for example? Well, on the low end, there are plenty negative consequences to the belief in graphology. There definitely are. Okay, so like what, for example?

Well, on the low end, there are plenty of examples of employers using graphology to assess the viability of job candidates. And as uncommon as that is, it probably seems damn harmful if you're the person who lost out on a job because you space your words like an antisocial hermit or whatever they made up. you space your words like an anti-social hermit or whatever they made up. Graphology is also used to evaluate marital compatibility, to select juries, and even to evaluate candidates for high office there. Okay, wait a minute.

Are you suggesting that people vote based on the handwriting of the candidates? Well, I doubt there's anyone who bases their vote entirely on that. But judging by the ubiquity of graphological analysis in major media outlets, way too many people believe it's a relevant factor. And way too many of them work for major media outlets, unfortunately. Okay, define major media outlet. analysis of the current presidential field presented on websites like the Wall Street Journal, the Daily Beast, the New York Times, Politico, as though it were a legitimate science. In fact, Politico recently ran the analysis of one Michelle Dresbold, who they identified as a graduate of the United States Secret Service's Advanced Document Examination Training Program, without bothering to differentiate between forensic

document examination and reading chicken bones. Wow. Okay. So what kind of insight might a gullible person gather from this analysis if they were, you know, inclined to rely on bullshit? Whatever Michelle Dresbold pulls out of her ass, basically. Her fortune cookie bullshit includes the assertion that the lack of space between Ben Carson's first and last name represents a fear of abandonment. Also that Hillary's straight up and down signature is indicative of a person whose head rules their heart.

And yeah, no idea. And my personal favorite, that the phallic nature of the P in Donald Trump's last name is an indication that he's a dick. Seriously? Seriously. Gotcha. Okay, well, that sucks. But again, I guess it doesn't register compared to stuff like exorcism or chiropractic and stuff like that. That's true. But the real problem with things like graphology is that they reinforce a dubious scaffolding

upon which far more harmful concepts can hang. For example, many graphologists claim they can assess certain aspects of a person's medical condition through handwriting analysis. Okay, now you're sounding dangerous. Indeed. Well, it's important to note here, there actually are legitimate uses of handwriting analysis in medicine. Certain conditions like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's actually do affect a person's fine motor function

and telltale signs of that will show up in a person's signature. So real doctors might actually want to see a handwriting sample for a real diagnostic purpose. Gotcha. Okay. However, that fact gives graphologists yet another opportunity to conflate their pseudoscience

with a legitimate one. For example, Dr. Oz's website lists a number of medical maladies that they claim can be diagnosed through handwriting. Included in the list are legitimate things like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, like I said, right alongside insane and dangerous shit like schizophrenia, pregnancy, like schizophrenia, pregnancy, depression, cancer, and suicidal tendencies. Holy shit. Okay, so people are going to graphologists to find out if they have cancer? If they're listening to Dr. Oz, yeah, maybe.

Wow. Well, I guess the only thing left to do is sum it all up with a poop joke. So, Heath, after a thorough examination of the evidence both for and against graphology, tell us How bullshit is it? It's enough bullshit for Donald Trump to get elected president of Mexico. That's a lot of bullshit. While getting shit on by

many bulls. That would explain the hare. Very happy to welcome our next guest back to the show. Nick Morgan Moore is a fabulously mustachioed Australian comedian who you may know from his award-eligible podcasts The Imaginary Friend Show and Good Advice. He's also a guest in our country, so Americans, if you see Nick, be polite and try not to shoot him. We've already got a bad enough reputation with the Aussies.

Nick, welcome back to the show. Oh, thank you for having me back again. I'm surprised, after some of the things that I said last time, that I haven't been banned forever. You'd have to get at least a little worse. So, you are in the U.S. of A. now, correct? I am. I am.

Is this your first trip to the Americas? It is indeed. It's my first trip to the Americas, and I'm in the South. But I'm from Australia. I'm from Queensland, Australia. So it's basically the same. The levels of racism are pretty much on par. So it's fine.

Yeah, we don't drown many people uh here regardless of their race so you guys are you guys might actually even be beating us out i think well i am in alabama so oh well yeah no i guess so it's pretty close right right so of all the wonderful historically significant and culturally iconic locales in America. You chose Montgomery, Alabama. Why the fuck did you do that? Because I met a girl on a podcast and we started talking and then some warm, fuzzy feelings started happening. And so now we're living together.

A lot of bad decisions start with I met a girl. Yeah. But as well as coming here for her and love reasons, love you, Zandy, there's just so much work for humanists to do here. So she told me about the stuff that she was putting up with here, and I was so shocked, appalled, and disgusted that I had to come and lend a hand.

So, yeah, my first stand-up gig in the States was a benefit for a women's health clinic. With a fabulous title. Yes, yeah, V to Shining V. And, yeah, that was a lot of fun. I killed fetuses. Of course, yeah, exactly. It was really to raise rent money for the house next door to the clinic so that the aunties can't rent it and then be legally even closer to the property. Is that true?

That's actually what it was? Yeah, that's what we were doing. Oh, wow. God, Jesus. Those are some devious fucks. Yeah, and they've tried to rent this house repeatedly, and we started renting it when it came up for rent. to rent this house repeatedly and we started renting it when it came up for rent oh i say we because uh i've been here for a week and a half but they've just accepted me in as one of their own and we're working really hard to make things better but uh yeah operation save america came to

montgomery alabama a few months ago and this house came up for rent about the same time they tried to rent it so that they could be closer to the clinic and also have access around the back where the doctors and nurses and staff go in and out. And as you know, probably, and your listeners might know, Operation Safe America is one of the organizations that supported the murderer of one of these abortion-providing doctors a few years ago, and they praised the actions of the killer. And so, yeah, it's not safe. praised the actions of the killer and so yeah it's not safe it's just not safe for them to have any closer access to the uh to the place than they currently have they i was there this week i uh i stood and and received uh abuse hurled in my face for about five hours and yeah it's it's disgusting

they uh the things that they said like i'm committed'm committed to nonviolence. That's a thing about me. I'm a big, scary-looking guy, but I don't engage physically. It's just not a part of my personality. And as I stood there, they screamed at me and my girlfriend that we must have been molested as children. That's why we're dead on the inside and now baby murderers, and we're going to burn in hell. That's why we're dead on the inside and now baby murderers and we're going to burn in hell. Boy, are you getting the genuine American experience, sir? I'll tell you what. These people that go to Disney World or New York City, they don't see America. You're seeing America. That's right. These people, they film women going into the clinic so they can shame them online.

That's so unsafe. What if one of these women is in an abusive relationship and their abuser sees that and then kills them? I mean, for fuck's sake. So we get out there with rainbow umbrellas. We have as many rainbows as possible because these people are the bigot trifecta. They're frightened by rainbows, yes. They are frightened by rainbows. Very homophobic. And when you read their literature, there's a lot of racial stuff in there.

So they're the bigot trifecta, sexist, racist, and homophobic and when you read their literature there's a lot of racial stuff in there so they're the bigot trifecta uh sexist racist and homophobic and uh and so we get out there with the rainbow umbrellas and we block the cameras so that they can't get good shots right and uh and so that's what i was doing uh all day uh one day this week and i'll be back again next week and uh yeah i i wouldn't talk to them and the guy who's in charge, David Day, I'll name him because he's on Twitter trying to get people to give him money to do what he does. So he's putting himself out there as a public person.

So name and shame, fuck you, David Day. He's out there every day hassling women on the street. And I wouldn't talk to him. And he was getting so upset. He was getting so upset. He'd go between saying awful, horrible things to my girlfriend. He wouldn't, he wouldn't, you know, throw that much at me because I'm a scary man, but you know, a five foot one girl, you know,

when she's standing on her own, he would just run up to her and just scream the most offensive things. And it made me question for a moment, my commitment to nonviolence, but, um,ence. Yeah, well, they'll do that to you. Now, I've got to imagine that a lot of our listeners are probably thinking exactly what I'm thinking. So it's going to be my next question to you. If anybody else wants to get involved in doing what you're doing, where can they go? How can we help? There's a number of advocacy groups on Facebook for women's health clinics. So just search women's health clinics in your area. And if they are under attack, they'll be linked to a defense group.

There is an organization called the best, uh, clinic defenders, best, uh, group. Oh, I can't remember the name, but they send out these, uh, the vests to the volunteers because they need to be, uh, very clear who is a volunteer helping the women and who is an anti who's there putting everyone's lives in danger. And so, yeah, look up women's health clinics in your area. And if there's a need, then get involved. And I'll tell you about some of the stuff that I'm doing. I just wanted to tell you one thing about me being super passive aggressive. Right. So I they ran over to me and they were screaming at me about the Holy Spirit's going to convict you. The Holy Spirit's going to, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit.

Now, I don't know if you know this about me. I used to be religious. I was 10 years ago as a young man, as a teenager, I was in the church. I left in my very early 20s. I think I was just 20 or 21. I was like, not done with you guys. I think I was just 20 or 21. I was like, no, I'm done with you guys. But I – so I know the inside track on a few of the ways that these people think. So they brought up the Holy Spirit, and I turned to the group of volunteers that I was with, and I said, hey, did you guys ever hear about the time when I used to be religious and I had a vision of the Holy Spirit? And they said no, and all of these protesters went quiet and started just watching and listening to me talking to this group. And I go, yeah, yeah, I was very religious and I was filled with the Holy Spirit and I spoke in tongues and all of that business.

And one day I prayed to the Lord to give me a vision of the Holy Spirit. And he opened up the eyes of my heart and I saw the Holy Spirit. And I saw what the Holy Spirit was made out of. The Holy Spirit is made out of three things. Broken promises, false hope, and ghost pedophile dicks, like, God will let anyone into heaven as long as they're like, Oh, sorry for, you know, Jesus make me clean for raping all those kids. Right. And then God has to let them into heaven. But he can't let their ghost dicks in heaven because there's kids in heaven, right?

And he knows that people who repent don't really change, so he has to take their ghost dicks away. So God's taking away all of these pedophile ghost dicks, and he's got this big pile of pedophile ghost dicks that's just accumulating over time, getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And he's like, what can I do with all of these pedophile ghost dicks? So he stuck them together using broken promises and false hope, and he built his Holy Spirit out of them, and that's his agency on Earth. And that's why when you really need something, when you have a true need in your life,

and you pray to the Lord to send his Holy Spirit to help you, all you really get is fucked. Amen, brother. Amen. Now, has any of them asked you if you're from England yet? Because I know me some Alabamans. If it hasn't happened yet, it's going to. No, no. People mostly recognize the Australian accent.

I thank Paul Hogan for that, or maybe I shouldn't thank him. No, probably not. Oh, he was funny, not in Crocodile Dundee and not in any of his movies, but I heard that he ran into a guy at a party once near Spunny. Oh, right on. That must have been how he got that gig. Yeah, yeah. But no, people understand that I'm an Australian

and like I've got crazy animal stories from home because I lived in the country. Right. So when people are like, oh, is everything trying to kill you? And I'm like, well, you know, like I've been less than a meter from the second most deadly snake in the world. And it looked at me and I looked at him and I was like, let's just respect each other's personal space. And then we went in opposite directions.

Like that's the thing that happened to me last year. You know, like these things happen. That's pretty badass. Yeah. Well, you know, the brown snake. Usually like the brown snakes, they're terrifying because if they bite you, you're dead. But like they'll if you if you come across one and you don't kick it or startle it, it'll just go away and you can go away. If you come across a taipan, you're fucked. Like it'll chase you down and kill you. So, you know, the fact that it was a brown snake made me happy that it wasn't a taipan. So the fact that it was a brown snake made me happy that it wasn't a taipan. Right on, right on.

So a good wildlife experience in Australia is when the horribly deadly poisonous thing that you meet isn't also aggressive. Exactly, exactly. I should tell you an Australian joke, because I've been doing a few Australian jokes here. I don't usually do them in Australia, because everyone's Australian, so they don't really get them. But this one, there is a sex move called the australian and that's just where like you and your partner go into the backyard and hurl racially motivated insults at each other until one of you drops dead from heat exhaustion and then the winner gets to fuck the corpse of the loser well i'm glad you shared that one yeah so like that's that's a that's a little snippet of my stand-up like and i'm not saying that i agree with that that's that's a that's a little snippet of my stand-up

like and i'm not saying that i agree with that i'm just saying that that's how it is guys you didn't make australia you just came from there so i'm also dying to know this one did you have by any chance like a betting pool going with anybody back home about how long you would be in america before there was a massive school shooting? Did anybody get the under on that one? Ouch, yeah. When I came, people talked a lot about gun violence because it's not a thing that we have

much of in Australia. I don't like betting on super morbid things like that, but if I did, I would have been depressed at winning some money. Holy shit. Yeah. Fuck, guys.

I find it very interesting, and obviously we're stepping way outside of the normal subject matter of this show, but I find it really interesting that the pro-gun advocacy, and obviously there's nuances to this, but the more stringent pro-gun advocacy portion of the U.S. electorate completely ignores the existence of Australia. Like, as soon as, like, Australia existing is brought into the conversation, their entire argument falls apart. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Every time they're like, well, more guns means that if somebody was shooting it up, someone could just shoot him. And, like, the answer to the truth of that is that that just doesn't happen. That's not the case. No, that's's just that's movie bullshit no it is exactly right you know more guns equals less safety that's it you know

the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is if the bad guy can't get a gun right there's still at least one dead person an open carry laws oh my fucking god so right like you don't know someone's walking down the street with an assault rifle on their back with you know every right to do that you don't know whether that's a good guy or bad guy until he's murdered 10 children right right holy fuck you know best case scenario someone's armed and they kill him after he killed five children that's still six dead bodies on the street. If this happened. If they took the guns away. Like they did in Australia.

They did a gun buyback scheme. And because of national tragedies. People were like yeah that's pretty fucked. Have our guns. If they did that. What would the news headlines read? Man goes on punching screed at community college. 20 people bruised.

Horrible shit still happens. There's still stabbings there's still there's still you know uh some people can still occasionally get their hands on guns but the p the argument that i keep saying is oh if you take the guns away from law-abiding people only criminals will have guns you know why criminals don't have guns in australia it pretty hard to come by, I would imagine. So hard to come by and so expensive. Right. Like if you want to get a handgun so that you can walk into a 7-Eleven and shoot an Indian man and take $10 out of the till, right, that gun is going to cost you upwards of $25,000 in Australia. Wow.

Here you can buy it for less than a grand, 500 bucks, you can pick up a Glock. Yeah. Holy fuck Brand new too yeah Yeah yeah and in Australia Yeah if you're trying to find a firearm Extremely difficult Prohibitively expensive And if you get caught with it

You fucking go to jail You're not allowed to have a gun you idiot Like that's just it Yeah And you know what we, that's just it. And you know what? We stopped that, and the mass shooting stopped. There has been a couple incidents since then, but that's like, they're the exception, not the rule.

They don't happen 40 times in the year 2015. Right. Yeah, I think we're doing better than a mass shooting a week this year. Exactly. There was a siege in Melbourne last year where an armed gunman went into a chocolate shop and shot a number of people. And it turns out – and again, gun violence is just so fucked and this could happen anywhere and it's tragic. But when the police stormed the place and killed him, one of the hostages was killed by police gunfire, not the gunman's gunfire. So, like, I'm very opposed to guns even when the police have them. I mean, they need them for when a crazy person gets their hands on something somehow.

But it's still just fucking tragic all around. And that is trained professionals who have studied and trained at being a hero right not an untrained person just standing on the side of the street well while i was while i got in alabama one of the news stories that i heard was of a man who was being carjacked and a good guy with a gun in quotation marks decided to step in and save him by shooting him in the head while his attackers fled. Really? Yes. That is a thing that happened here while I was here.

Again, very, very American. Well, I'm glad you're getting the American experience. Like I said, way too many people come in and out and think that this whole fucking place is like Disneyland. No, it's much more like a fucking abortion clinic protest. Well, I want to thank you for the work you're doing, sir, and I want to thank you for somehow managing to keep your sense

of humor despite it all. Of course, if you'd like to hear more from Nick, you can check him out on the Imaginary Friends show, Dote Comb Podcast with Jake Farwharton, or his new show Good Advice or Atheist Apocalypse. You'll find all of that linked on the show notes for this episode. And if you're in the right place at the right time, you might even be able to see him live.

Again, we'll have some information on that on the website as well. And check my YouTube channel. I'll be putting up some clinic defense videos on my YouTube channel, Nick Morgan Moore. And also search the phrase Jesus Choice, hopefully starting next week. When I get out there to defend the clinic, I'll be using some blasphemy as well,

and I'll be dressed up as Jesus Choice, protecting women's, you know, bringing the third testament of the Lord, which stands for things like women's bodily autonomy and partying down. Awesome, awesome. Well, blasphemy is, of course, our favorite weapon here on The Scathing Atheist.

All right, well, thanks a lot for joining us tonight, dude, and keep in mind, like, New York, california completely different it's not all like that awesome i look forward to visiting soon awesome before we skedaddle tonight i want to let everybody know that friend of the show, Eli Bosnick, will be appearing on Chicago's very own Stocks and Jocks morning radio show on Friday at 7 a.m. local time. They'll put the show online afterwards, so I'll be sure to link it on the website as soon as it's available. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our spinoff show, Godawful Movies.

Next episode will debut at 8 a.m. Eastern Time this coming Tuesday. And, of course, you can find occasional nuggets of bonus scatheism by liking us on Facebook or following us on Twitter. Obviously, I need to thank Heath for not pointing out on air that I'm currently sitting at dead last in our fantasy football league, among other things. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for stepping up so much over the last couple of weeks to keep the show going despite my now twice-broken rib. I also want to thank Ishmael from the Angry Black black rant podcast for providing this week's farnsworth quote if you're listening to this show clearly you enjoy angry rant so if you don't check out his show you're probably a racist i'm just saying but most of all of course i need to thank this week's most stimulating simians james robert andy patricia randy john matthew christopher marcus

michael and david james robert andy and Patricia, who are bright enough to fuck up an eclipse. Randy, John, Matthew, and Christopher, whose cocks occupy such tremendous volume that they may just have to change the holiday's name to Full Ween. And Marcus, Michael, and David, who are so sexy that they can apparently even make Mars moist. Together, these tremendously talented and terrifically tenacious typifications of temerity have transferred a token in tribute to our triumphant tragication this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the sagacity, audacity,

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You're just describing begging for drug money though, right? Just so we're