The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 139: We All Brew for Hebrews Edition

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

In this week's episode, American Muslims continue to exist just to piss off the rednecks, the subject of homosexual cannibal restaurant industry will come up naturally, and the Bible will strongly urge us not to be Jewish.

Warning, the following podcast contains words like fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new internet service provider for Orthodox Jewish people, Verizon Fios, unmixed fiber-optic data service. Are you looking for a high-speed connection to add an iTunes? Want to surf the kosher web on modest Yahoo? Want to be certain it shuts down once a week so you don't have to hire an IT Sabbath goy? If you answered yes, then we're the ISP you've been looking for. Verizon Fios.

We sure as shit don't scroll on Shabbos. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm the chairman of Guam, formerly from Guam, where America's day begins. Now residing in Knoxville, America's urethra, where no amount of cranberry juice will make it stop burning. Follow me on Twitter, at Chairman of Guam, and join us in Knoxville at KnoxvilleAtheists.org. Because despite what people believe in this antiquated state, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 15th.

And Middle Eastern bodega owners probably find it offensive to redeem camel cash. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Dollar General Admission, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, American Muslims continue to exist just to piss off the rednecks. The homosexual cannibal restaurant industry is a topic that comes up naturally. And the Bible will strongly urge us to not be Jewish. But first, the diatribe. So it turns out that there's a question that you can accidentally say yes to if you say no to emphatically.

And it's a question I get more and more frequently these days. At this point, pretty much once a week, I get an email from somebody who wants to debate me on air. Now, most of the time, they expect me to give them airtime on this show so they can tell us how wrong we've got it. But I get a fair number of invites from religious shows or shows dedicated to religious debate that want me to come on and argue with some theologian or something, and my answer is always the same. It's no. You know, depending on the professionalism of the person reaching out to me, very often that's the whole email.

You know, dear so-and-so, no. Of course, if somebody reaches out respectfully and seems genuinely interested in hosting a debate, I'll politely decline and pass along the names of a few atheist friends that I know that actually enjoy doing that shit, but if it's just some irate jackass who wants a chance to yell Jesus at somebody, I don't bother to engage him at all. Because as I've learned, an emphatic refusal leads to an email that accuses me of intellectual dishonesty, you know, something along the lines of, well, if you weren't scared, you'd debate me. And that leads to a response, that leads to a response, another response, and before I know it, I'm being

debate raped. Now look, there was a time when I considered debates about the existence of God to be completely useless, but over the last couple years, I've tempered my opinion of them. You can only hear from so many formerly religious people who credit their deconversion to religious debates before you have to admit to their utility. So yeah, religious debates have value in the larger effort to lead people away from irrationality. And you know what? Even if they didn't, they would probably still have enough entertainment value to justify them. I love watching William Lane Craig babble about Boltzmann brains in a desperate effort to obfuscate the ridiculous degree to which he's wrong. You know, I love it when even the Christian audience winces at the stupidity of Ken Ham's answer. I love watching Matt Dillahunty school a biblical

scholar on what the Bible says. And even if the price that we pay for this is the occasional debate where the person who's right technically loses, I'd say that's a price worth paying. You know, all that being said, though, that's not to say that any single atheist is ever obligated to debate. There are plenty of atheists who really enjoy doing the deep dive into apologetics and learning all the silly little pseudo-intellectual gymnastics that they do. I'm just not one of them. You know, unless I'm in a debate where that's just stupid as an acceptable rebuttal, it's not the debate for me. Because unlike the prominent debaters out there, I don't even find the question of God's existence interesting. You know, obviously I find religion interesting. I couldn't keep doing this show every week if the subject itself held no

interest for me. But I find it interesting only because it's such conspicuous bullshit. You know, I find the ability of the human brain to so grossly misinterpret the world around it interesting. I find the various and contradictory forms and interpretations of God interesting. But as soon as you add in a person who actually thinks it's true, all the fun dries up. It's like one of my sisters is a historian, right? And when we get together, we talk about counterfactuals. And the fact that I would love to talk with her about how the world might be different if the Holocaust never happened, that doesn't mean that I would enjoy arguing with a Holocaust denier. And in my mind, that's what it is. Debating the existence of God

is like debating basic arithmetic or tic-tac-toe strategy. It is an answered question. And if there were enough people out there insisting that 2 plus 2 equaled potato chips, I would be really appreciative of all the mathematicians who spent their time going out there and publicly engaging these idiots and trying to clear for Salid name.

And I'd be really interested in why the fuck those people think you can get a snack food by adding numbers together. And I'd make sarcastic jokes and do little skits about what a befuddlingly stupid worldview that is. But I wouldn't publicly debate them because if the stated goal of public debate is to sway the people on the wrong side over to the right side,

it's probably not going to do you much good when the guy representing the right side opens up with something like, can we start off by agreeing that pants and spoons exist so I have a baseline of how far removed from reality you actually are? Now, if this was just about me not wanting to do debates, it wouldn't have been worth devoting an entire diatribe to it. But I have to assume that a lot of you are in the same position to one degree or another. You know, maybe you're not being heckled to debate people on podcasts, but maybe you've got some zealot in your family or at work who always wants to engage you with some kind of, then how comes they're still monkeys bullshit. Or maybe it's somebody that pipes in on your Facebook page ready to quote some Kent Hovind to you anytime that you mention the fact that God very clearly doesn't exist. And maybe you feel obligated to defend your worldview against their stupidity, and maybe you are, but that doesn't mean that you're obligated to debate them. Look, you know, I'm old enough to know what my strengths and

weaknesses are, more or less. I mean, you know, I'm sarcastic, short-tempered, arrogant, and vulgar. Those are all things that would make me terrible in a public debate, but they help a lot in doing this podcast. So yes, you're obligated to defend your worldview. You're obligated to counter the stupid. You're obligated to do your part to make this world more rational, and we need your help, but that doesn't mean we need you to debate. You know, if you're awesome at that shit, great. Have at it, have fun, and let me know. I'll pass your email along to some of these asshats that keep contacting me. But if you're not, you don't have a responsibility to get good at it. You know, we already have really good debaters, really good arguers,

and there's no shame in passing along your problem, Theus, to somebody more qualified to engage them. There's something that you're really fucking good at. You know, some set of qualities that make you an asset to the atheist movement, and it's just a matter of figuring out what those are and applying them. I mean, shit, our chief contribution is dick jokes, and I think we found a way to make that relevant. My guess is that you've got more to offer than that. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is my sidekick, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to kick sides? Wait a second, what makes you think you're not my sidekick Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to kick sides? Wait a second. What makes you think you're not my sidekick? You don't know. Well, if I was the sidekick, I wouldn't be doing the lead story. Now would I?

In our lead story tonight, I said it first. Not the sidekick in our lead story tonight. In peeling back the mosque news, a bunch of American rednecks continue being not Muslim wrong, which is unfortunate because it's really easy to do correctly. It is. I do it every day myself correctly. So here's where they got tripped up most recently. Last weekend, organizers put together a series of anti-Muslim rallies outside of mosques across the country during which protesters of Islam's existence were encouraged to bring firearms to the so-called peaceful demonstrations.

Great idea. And despite being unfamiliar with two of the following words, they called it the Global Rally for Humanity. Well, and honestly, they only know what rally means because they use it in racing. All they really have. You get the four part. Yeah, exactly. Good job.

So as it turns out, most of the protests had very limited turnout, fortunately. However, several events attracted large groups of supporters, including one in Arizona organized by anti-Muslim activist John Ritzheimer. This is the same guy who put together a similar demonstration last spring and seems to be a chief architect of this emerging misdirected anger movement apparently it's not about hating muslims though like it exactly sounds it's about the tax code oh is it yeah according to mr ritz nazi name quote take away their 501c tax exemption let donald trump build something beautiful. What? I have no idea.

So, strangely enough, Johnny Ritzkrieg over there hasn't tried to stage any armed protests outside of the 350,000 other churches in this country, many of which are also tax exempt. Just the mosques. What are the odds? Weird. It's hilarious to listen to a Christian explain why Islam is bad. It's like listening to an astrologer tell you why tarot cards are bullshit. Those guys don't know what the fuck to talk about. I mean, it's a bunch of charlatans.

Exactly. So it's not clear exactly how many jihadist sleeper cells had their weekend plans thwarted by the global rally. But there was at least one example of the protesters and the Muslim parishioners finding some common ground. The scheduled rally at a mosque in Dublin, Ohio, ended up being just this one lady, and according to local reports, she ended up hugging a friendly Muslim person who walked up and eventually walked inside the mosque to learn more about Islam. Nice. Which, I mean, is pretty much the same as christianity but with a few edits so i guess i'm not that surprised but you know they found some common ground it's good it's awesome you guys believe in magic stuff

for no reason yeah get the fuck out of here us too that's like that's like our whole thing for real wow this is nice this is nice let's go inside happy ending what was it and from the speak softly but carry a big sticker file tonight texas governor and part-time just for men before model greg abbott put his distaste for the bill of rights in writing this week when he penned a letter to his attorney general fully endorsing the recent spate of unconstitutional and god we trust stickers popping up on police cars throughout his state. Ken Paxton, the state's AG, was recently asked by a couple of lawmakers to take time away from defending himself against charges of security fraud to offer a formal opinion on whether or not the practice is legal.

And apparently Abbott wants to make damn sure everybody knows that whatever the attorney general now says, the fucking governor loves him some Jesus. Seriously, a letter? Might as well tweet about it. Like, at Ken Paxton. Personally, I would choose not to spit in God's face, but that's your call. That's your call. You're the AG.

Hashtag Atheist Lives Matter? Atheists After Lives Matter, maybe. So the specific case in question is about the Childress Police Department, one of many rural Bible Belt police departments that have recently started slapping fuck the atheist stickers on their cars so that Jesus will know which wheels to take in case of a high-speed pursuit, I guess. Anyway, the FFRF has been busy over the last couple of months politely reminding such police departments that putting stickers on your car that says this police department is brought to you by Jesus is

exclusionary to non-theists and probably not worth pissing a bunch of taxpayer money away on if you should get sued like they might do and also by the way the ffrf has spent a lot of time filing away condescending and dismissive replies like i shit you not go fly a kite and a whole letter that just said no on official department letterhead just no seriously though go fly a kite yeah really are the greasers and the socias about to rumble? What fucking year is it in Texas? What century is it in fucking Texas? Is it Vinnie Barbarino writing letters for them? I should note that before ascending to the throne of the Texan theocracy,

Governor Abbott served as the state's attorney general for a dozen years, and according to his letter, the judicial precedent of no AG forcing a city to abide by the establishment clause for at least those 12 years should be plenty enough to dismiss a lawsuit threatened by the FFRF. According to Rick Perry's understudy, quote, there can be no doubt that courts in Texas would uphold the constitutionality of the Childress Police Department's decision, end quote. He upholds a lot of things.

He goes on to characterize the FFRF's complaint as a, quote, misguided and malicious threat, end quote, and then imply that they don't have the balls to really sue Childress anyway. Okay, is there one example in the entire history of Texas in which they refused to comply with federal law and it was a good thing rather than awful and probably bigoted somehow? Not even when the federal law was Mexican, no. One time we could look back and say, yeah, you know what, they were right. They were right. Colored kids really do need a separate home.

That's fair. That's fair. Transition period, at least a few years. That's a good thing. Good thing those conservatives are around to stop all the bad progress. No shit. And in build a bridge out of her news tonight,

dental technician and alleged evil sorceress Deborah Sheinfeld was fired from her job at a health clinic inside Maryland's Fort Meade earlier this month after the Air Force, who runs the facility, claimed to have received a complaint about her use of profanity in the workplace. What the fuck? In a strange coincidence, she received notice of her termination only hours after filing an official complaint of her own about harassment from Christian co-workers regarding her Hindu beliefs, specifically the part where they accused her of being a Hindu witch.

Well, accused my ass. She weighs more than a duck. That's just science, dude. She's lucky they just fired her euphemistically. Very small rocks. Hindu eyeballs. So in response to all this, the Military Religious Freedom Foundation

took up Ms. Sheinfeld's case and assigned attorney Michael Weinstein to her wrongful termination suit. Go Mikey. Which was an excellent choice because that guy's hilarious. Yeah. As evidenced by the opening

to his letter of complaint to the Air Force, which went like this, quote, Sir, got witches? Are you and your staff quite out of your constitutionally derelict minds? End quote. And sadly, it appears that yes, they are. Yes.

According to an unnamed source within the dental clinic, the place is run by evangelical Christians, and yes, these people are literally terrified of yoga demons. And yes, they definitely called her a Hindu witch. This would be so much funnier if there wasn't a real human being here that just lost her fucking job over this shit.

So according to the same source, she was also warned that not only was she summoning demons when she meditated, but that the military personnel they treated were getting infected by her fucking Hindu demons as well. She was also apparently instructed by a superior to pray for America in light of the Obergefell decision. So hating fags on behalf of Jesus was a condition of her employment. Wow.

So far, no concrete answers from the Air Force about whether they are indeed out of their constitutionally derelict fucking minds. Nothing but a meaningless restatement of their previously existing policy that clearly says they're not supposed to do what they clearly just did. Beyond that, all we could find was an unofficial remark about the extent of the witchcraft. When asked if they dressed her up, he said, no, no, no, a bit, a bit. We did do the nose. It's the hat. She did have the nose. It's in the hat. She did have a wart.

I'm better about the nude thing. And then why were they kneeling news tonight? We have the latest in what seems to be a weekly segment now about a Catholic priest blaming those slutty Lolitas they have snuffing out their candles for the worldwide pedophilia conspiracy. After reporting only a couple of weeks ago about Bishop Robert Cunningham's claim that boys who get priest fucked are culpable, we now have Reverend Geno Flame trying to oust him from the least appropriate thing ever said spotlight by rephrasing the same gaffe and blaming the kid fucking on, quote, children who seek affection, end quote. Yeah, you know, there's millions of kids walking into churches every week without a dick in their mouth.

That's fair. I've seen them do it. And if we're assigning blame here, let's not forget about the parents that dressed them all nice like that. He's basically asking for it. Oh, fucking awful. Not the rapist's fault. Now, to the Vatican's minimal and belated credit, they did suspend him from his position immediately after the statement came to light. Of course, many have faulted the church for not taking such swift action when they find out that one of their employees is raping children.

But I am going to come to their defense at least a little because I'm pretty sure that they would fire any pedophile priest if they raped the kid on Italy's La Seven News. They wouldn't extradite him, of course, but they'd probably remove him from his position. And if you think this guy's going to get away without a strong newspaper swat to the nose and a no stern warning well you would be mistaken right yeah he is pink wristed for the rest of the

couple hours well unless of course he dies before they get around to it as so often happens it's it's also worth noting that later in the interview he referred to homosexuality as a disease as friend of the show hemet meta pointed out in his friendly atheist blog, quote, only in the Catholic Church can someone call homosexuality a disease and have it be the second worst thing he said. End quote. That day. Yeah, right, of course. In response to Hemant's comment, the Westboro Baptist Church issued a press release that simply read, da fuck we gotta do, man. It's pretty lightweight for us. They're killing it over here. Are you not? Is this on?

And in dying on a prayer news tonight Louisiana governor GOP presidential candidate And Jimmy Stewart in blackface maybe? Bobby Jimbo Took advantage of a well-timed mass shooting And used it on the failed campaign trail last week To help spread his message of Christian theocracy. And here's his plan to reduce gun violence.

He wants to have the President of the United States lead us in a national prayer. Which is a weird choice, having a Muslim guy do it. But that's his plan. It's a national prayer from the President. Oh my god, now I want somebody who does the bad lip reading to

just do Bobby Jindal in a Jimmy Stewart voice. That would be so fucking awesome. I'd knit a sweater for that. So, yeah, I mean, I guess if democracy hadn't already pre-excluded this dude from the presidency, that should have been enough. The extent to which people like him and Huckabee are willing to just capitalize on the deaths of innocent people to heartlessly further their goals would actually make them excellent republic presidential candidates. Yeah, forget I said anything. We'll take care of that shit in post.

It's a miracle. We'll just end it on the... Got up to 1% polling. Excuse me, Stuart Jones. Yeah, right. Clarence, it's a miracle. 1%. So as far as I can tell,

here's how Jindal got there. He started by blaming the shooter's father for the tragedy in Roseburg, Oregon. Apparently, the governor thinks this guy was an absentee parent by guessing, which, of course, led to the killing spree directly. Wow. And, of course, it was society's move away from the church and the resulting cultural decay that caused this dad to be neglectful. And if we dig even deeper, we can clearly see that it's all Obama's fault. This guy needs to just order Occam's razors from the Dollar Shave Club. He's going to need plenty.

That's a lot of fucking strings to connect there, bro. So what could Obama have done differently? Great question. According to Jindal, quote, what a president can do is call for a time of prayer and spiritual renewal and unapologetically talk about faith in the public square. I'm a Christian and I'm not embarrassed to talk about that. End quote from person that needs to feel embarrassed more often and learn what that means. I think it's. Oh, shit. I think it's probably relative, though. Maybe this time last year,

he would have been embarrassed to stand up in a crowd and tell people that he believes in talking snakes and transcontinental marsupial pilgrimages and shit. But now it's like, anything but my poll numbers, guys. You want to talk about Balaam and his talking donkey? Let's talk about that shit. How about the part where they cure colds by murdering birds?

Whatever. Anything except for the fact that I'm in 13th place and only 12 people are still running. So just to recap, the solution to gun violence, according to Bobby Jindal, is more Jesus, I guess, same number of guns and bullets. Although, again, I'm just guessing at that last. Right. Right. Stance on gun control had no mention of words like guns or bullets or control or anything you would think would be in that. It's very likely he wants more of those things to control those things. But his stated policy is the hoping really hard idea. Yes.

Exactly. Maybe the guns and bullets will stop gunning and bulleting. So effectively. Worth point. Now that they could have been praying for that this whole time. Apparently they weren't. Fucking assholes. And in Twilight are the idols news tonight. If you've been feeling like your mind was a bit polluted lately,

California pastor Shane Idelson wants you to know that you can blame fictional vampires for that. Those drugs. In an article he wrote for the Christian Post, Idelson bemoans the way people are constantly entertained in today's world and not just because all of his parishioners

play Candy Crush during his sermons. In fact, his issue with our on-demand entertainment culture has nothing to do with obesity or attention span or patience

or any of the other dumb shit old people pretend is wrong with being entertained all the time. Instead, he opts for something exponentially stupider by railing

against good witches nice vampires and the spiritual perversions that they engender i didn't make that up that's what he said all right well i mean i guess i could see what he's getting at i mean i did sodomize a british child with a small tree branch after i read the harry potter books but if we're being realistic i mean mean, that probably would have happened anyway. I mean, books were mostly relevant. Just inspiration, that's all. After a long screen about desensitization, he presents the following list as though some rational thread connected them.

Quote, Why do so many people enjoy movies that glorify illicit sex, witchcraft, the occult, extreme violence, vampires, and child sacrifice. It's a weird list.

Right? So, okay. So, first of all, the fact that sex gets first billing when extreme violence is on there. And by extreme violence, by the way, he's relegated to fourth place after witchcraft and synonym for witchcraft on his list of problems. That's kind of disturbing. I mean, if you accept the debunked notion of desensitization through tv shows you gotta worry about the dude's priorities anyway also other thing where are these shows that glorify child sacrifice not a large genre i've never seen that category on netflix no

which means we'll need 30 seconds oh actually i might want to hold off on that i've got a gay cannibal story coming up i'll just end on a normal paragraph then after wondering aloud whether vampire shows are to blame for teen suicide idelson does manage to be accidentally correct at one point when he writes quote there is no such thing as good magic or good witches or nice vampires, end quote. That's true. Well, right. But then he makes it very clear in the following sentence that he doesn't realize that statement remains equally true when you remove the adjectives. Quote, these things by their very nature are evil.

Anyway, Scripture makes it clear that fascination with the powers of darkness and the occult have no place in the heart or the mind of a Christian. It's a roomy place, the mind of a Christian. Anyway, end quote. And speaking of things that apparently have no place in the minds of a Christian, we'll take a quick break for the part of the show about gender equality. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know, if we wanted to be totally accurate with this segment, the title of it should probably be This Week in Paternalism or This Week in Horrible Misguided Conclusions Based on a Deeply Ingrained Sexist Worldview or something like that. I mean, This Week in Misogyny has a nice ring to it, but I'd admit that the vast majority

of people we talk about every week don't hate women. It's just that they're idiots. I have a few stories that demonstrate that perfectly this week. We'll start off with a Nigerian pastor, Ola Benga, Ola Deho, who hopes to keep all the ladies of the world out of eternal hellfire by restricting themselves to missionary position. Or doggy style, I guess. Or spooning. Or the butterfly. Or the Viennese oyster. But no cowgirl stuff. According to a recently uploaded YouTube clip, El Adejo claims that God revealed to him that married men who allow their wives to get on top during sex are risking hell for both themselves and their partners. Now, I guess I could point out just how few women are devastated by the fact that they

can't ride this dude like a jet ski, but that would be too easy. Instead, I'll focus on the specific torment that awaits all the heathenist harlots who have the audacity for non-comatose sexual positions. Apparently, his God-induced vision of other people fucking included a glimpse of the part of hell where people are chopped into bits and served up to demons on platters. And in a bizarre way, that allows me to close on a point the good pastor and I agree on. Ladies, if you get on top during sex, you're at a higher risk of getting eaten later. Next, we'll turn to something that might have been intended as a compliment or something. For this one, we'll turn to Saudi cleric sheik Yahya Eljana.

Now, I'm not sure exactly who he was trying to compliment here, but while discussing the specific properties of the virgins that await devout Muslims in heaven, he articulated a few weird things that apparently he looks for in a woman. And when I say weird things, I'm not talking about a gal who's into scat play. I'm talking about women who, for example, have, quote, breasts like pomegranates, end of quote. Now, honestly, I'm not sure what pomegranate qualities a Muslim claret looks for in a tit. Maybe he likes them red and filled with seeds coated in a water laden pulp. I'm not sure. But he also added this terrifying notion. According to Aljana, when you fuck your virgins, they regrow a hymen the following morning.

So they're virgins again the next time you fuck them. So whether he realizes this or not, the message he's sending to Muslim women is clear. Fuck someone quick. You don't want to die a virgin. And finally, we'll move from the progressive enclaves of Nigeria and Saudi Arabia to a truly backward and regressive location, the Palin household. Bristol Palin is back in the news decrying the evils of birth control out of what I'm sure she believes is an earnest effort to keep people out of hell. In a recent entry into the record of her psychological dissent, she calls her blog, she railed against Washington

State's policy of providing free birth control to any gal that wants it without parental consent. policy of providing free birth control to any gal that wants it without parental consent. Now look, Bristol, I know in redneck families like yours, you like to keep your sex lives in the family, but most of us weren't in a position where dad was taking such a proactive interest. Washington's birth control program has reduced the teen birth rate by about 40% in five years. And in case you're not swayed by things that actually matter, it's decreased the rate of teen abortions by about 42 percent. So take note, conservatives. Bristol Palin wants Washington State to murder more of those four-celled babies you love so much. Go get her. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in revisionista news tonight, Tennessee state representative and punchline to Australian dad jokes,

Sheila Butt has proposed a bill that would stem the tide of increasing cultural literacy in her home state by barring the acknowledgement of Muslims existing in public schools. So this bill comes in response to a number of hypodontal hillbilly constituents who contacted her office to complain that their children were learning about fake Muslim God instead of real Jesus God. Yeah, Muslims existing as part of observational history, but not historical history. We don't want kids observing history. We want them historicking history.

Of course, yeah, that's how it works. So teachers and education officials have countered the proposal by pointing out that it's fucking impossible to learn about anything that happened in Asia or Africa in the last thousand years or so without at least knowing what Islam is. Same goes for all of Earth in the last 500 years. They also point out that when you've got a state where the general public is actively campaigning against the building of mosques and there's a sheriff urging his colleagues to monitor the Muslims in their jurisdictions for signs of their impending theocratic revolution, it's probably a good idea to teach people what a Muslim is. And by the way, the sheriff you just mentioned, he justified the neo-McCarthyism plan by pointing out, quote, Islam is communism with a God, end quote. What the fuck does that mean?

Obviously, the public school system worked just fine for him. If Tennessee was filled with a bunch of ignorant adults, maybe there'd be something to worry about. But as it stands, you know, it ain't broke. Yeah, exactly. Fool me twice. And in Oliver Twist ending news tonight, the homosexual conspiracy took a tough blow last week when their plan to populate India with gay former orphans was thwarted by a religious group called the Missionaries of Charity. Damn it, missionaries! or separated, the Catholic organization will no longer provide adoption services in India

for fear the homeless children might have their lives ruined by gay people with food and shelter. Yeah, right. And if you're familiar with the most overrated human being in history, you will not be surprised to hear that the group was founded by Mother Teresa. Well, I know a few fantasy players who might want to nominate Amir Abdullah in that most overrated category. But he hasn't tortured any sick people to death that I know of. So, yeah.

But until further notice, Mother Teresa. Yeah. So here's the reasoning. According to a statement from the group, quote, what if the single parent we give our baby to turns out to be gay or lesbian? What security or moral upbringing will these children get? End quote. Fuck you. Okay, so first of all, the missionaries are complaining

that children can be easily brainwashed by the people that control their supply of food and shelter. That's the first thing to keep in mind. Funny you mention it. Also, this might be one of the more evil responses to gay rights I've ever seen. You want to tell us gays are people now? Real people? Fine.

Fine. Then we're going to shut down this orphanage network for spite. Are you fucking kidding me? Right. Right. Yes, exactly. Because these fucking orphans in India are so much better off in an orphanage founded by a woman who thinks that pain relief is a tool of the devil.

Holy shit. And while we're already being insane and depressing in homeopathic security news tonight, officials in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh are taking extraordinary measures to ensure that pilgrims in their state avoid the tragic fate met by more than 1,400 Muslims that died last month in a human stampede en route to Mecca. And when I say extraordinary measures, by the way, I mean that only in the sense that it's the opposite of, like, intra-ordinary. So in preparation for next April's Simhasta pilgrimage,

the state has assembled a committee of astrologers to ensure safety through repeated rituals to appease the gods. Okay, but even if astrology was a real thing that works it isn't uh how does that help with stampedes now now you just have a team of fake psychics watching a stampede saying wow i i did not predict that that is just fucking weird well there the i i apparently owe western astrologers an apology because apparently theirs is the less stupid form of astrology. So according to this. Slightly.

Actually, majorly. I mean, so according to this article in the Hindustan Times, the planetary alignment that necessitated the team of expert chicken bone interpreters involved the position of Jupiter, one of Saturn's moons, a rogue planet, none of which have ever definitively been located by science, and some made-up shit called a shadow planet. If you're going to make shit up based on a fake science, at least make references to things that exist within it. Why would a made-up rogue planet need to be anywhere specific for this? There's nobody checking on your fake astrophysical books, right? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, no, the gravitational bowl wouldn't work unless there was a... No! No! So, apparently one of the astrologers calmed the fears by explaining that the position of these real and imaginary planets might cause, quote, calamity to strike in the form of tremors leading to stampede, outbursts

of poisonous gas, explosions, or epidemics, end quote. So, you know, you're going to need a lot of astrology up in explosions, or epidemics, end quote. So, you know, you're going to need a lot of astrology up in here. It's like a crooked fucking mechanic. Yeah, we fixed the brakes and all, but I don't know about that glove box. It could explode any minute and cause epidemics and stampedes if we don't swap it out.

It's going to be another $400, and we'll need to keep the car for another 48 hours. And it'll have a lot of miles on it when we get it back to you. We have to drive around and make sure that glove box isn't going to explode and cause poisonous gases to outpour. And finally tonight, from the Eat a Dick file, in his expert capacity as the son of a fake Muslim terrorist, Christian Dominionist Theodore Shubat posted a video on his website last week explaining how the government needs to outlaw homosexuality and execute all the gay people if we're ever going to get rid of all this cannibalism.

And yes, I said all that correctly. This is a real person with real followers calling for a gay genocide because of all the cannibals. Right, and this represents a softening of his position. He's gone from calling for a global holocaust against gays last week to just a national one this week. Small steps, Teddy. Eventually it'll be just the gays who are in my bathroom I think we should kill. We're only a couple of weeks away.

Should be fine. So apparently Mr. Shoebat did some extensive research across a large sample of Jeffrey Dahmer, and based on this robust analysis, he's concluded that it would be negligent for a collectivist society to ignore the fact that all the gay, cannibal serial killers seem to be homosexuals. Therefore, we need to outlaw sodomite activity of any kind, up to and including being alive.

Yes. Because, quote, it leads to serial killers, it leads to cannibalism, it leads to murder, end quote. What? Okay, set aside how wrong that is for just a second. I know that's tough, but for just a second. And what you're left with here is a christian who's using christianity to justify murdering people because gayness could lead to murder is this this is bush doctrine genocide

but by the way sarah palin so does not get that joke that's why she doesn't listen to this show imagine she didn't look she reads a lot of books No, not all the podcasts Just all the magazines By the way, if you're anything other than Christian Don't worry, this sounds scary But you can still live in Jesus America Of shoe bats Apparently all you have to do is make a proper sacrifice

To the God of the Bible Like it says in the Bible So atheists, for example You just need to slaughter a fatted calf on the White House lawn and hand it to the Secret Service. You're fine. And also stop eating human babies.

And don't be gay. Or ask for forgiveness after you eat the babies. But just to be clear, what he's actually calling for is collectivist punishment, which is bad even as far as justifications for genocide go. Like on a scale of justifications for genocide, that's on the bad side.

Because what he's saying is if one gay person serial cannibals, we have to murder all the gay people for it. And I'm sure that he would agree that if one insignificant YouTuber that looks like Jimmy Fallon getting anally raped by a cement mixer ate somebody, then he'd be calling for his own murder as well. somebody then he'd be calling for his own murder as well and meanwhile the californian psychopath lawyer behind a very similar proposal called the sodomite suppression act you might remember this guy probably thinks shoe bats a hack he's sitting at home watching shoe bats rant look at this fucking amateur i've been calling for the extermination of gay people for years he's putting up youtube videos that accomplish anything. We're promoting meaningful legislation over here. It's one thing to call for mass extermination. You haven't even started filling out the paperwork, you slacker.

Okay. So it's not like this requires much explaining, but without any prompting from us, this guy broached the topic of non-hetero cannibal cuisine. Yes, he did. And that means we are contractually obligated to put 30 seconds on the clock we've been saving them ideas for the lgbt cannibal restaurant go all right all right how about long johnson's long pigs what about harvey milk steak queen cut prime rib all right well um five Guys is already either gay or cannibal, but it's clearly not both.

So how about LGBTGI Fried Gays? If they want to eat their own, I guess. I don't know if that works. What about the Gaytheist Sausage Factory, home of Sweeney Toddler's Human Veal? Or maybe you could just have an Andean Blizzard from The Actuary Queen. What about Hannibal Leck Turnovers? The Apple of My Brown Eye.

All right, how about the Anthropophaginian and Outburger? No, wait, there's no gay joke in there. There's got to be some fucking in there. What happened? The Anthropophaginian and out and in and out and in and out the skin throughout burger so i can move it back to cannibalism at the end that's gay yep what about um glory whole foods chicks with dicks fillet hole in the wall chicks yeah no and there's an a-hole in there too i love it i love it i like it when there's an a-hole in there how too. I love it. I love it. I like it when there's an a-hole in there. How about Chubway? Eat flesh.

They had to drop the five-dommer-foot-longs bit when they found out how young his victims were. They didn't want to be associated. Yeah, that would have been offensive. Yeah, exactly. What about Soylent Queen is sheeple? There you go. Also look for Soylent Lean Cuisine. No trans fat chicks.

That's not as offensive as it sounds. Well, no, but I love that you just made a joke that's less offensive because you're talking about eating human flesh. That's right. Exactly. On that rare accomplishment, I guess we'll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Dig dug.

And when we come back, he brews, she brews, we all brew for Hebrews. It's strange the extent to which reading the Bible confuses rather than clarifies. You know, if you went into this thing hoping that all the bizarre Christian doctrines like transubstantiation and the Trinity would make more sense at the end, you're going to be damn disappointed pretty consistently. That being said, there is one previously baffling element of Christian history that's been drawn into stark relief through this project.

Going into it, it always struck me as odd that there was so much pushback when Martin Luther translated the Bible into a vernacular language. But after reading as much of it as we have i feel like there's no mystery to why people whose power relied on this book didn't want anyone seeing what kind of crazy shit it actually said right and then centuries later women and black people started asking hey that sounds like a fun story you got there can we read your book no no no absolutely not absolutely not. In fact, I'm glad you brought

this up. Just to be safe, you people aren't allowed to read anything. Exactly. Of course, our latest reminder of just how profound the Bible isn't is the book of Hebrews, a 13-chapter treatise on just how wrong the Jews have it. And joining us to trudge through it is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Are we there yet? We're so close that it's getting hard to hold the fucking book open, though, aren't we? I mean, it's always kind of hard to hold it open because you know you have to read it when it's open. No, it's not close enough. No. Okay, well, I guess the sooner we knock this one out, the sooner we're done.

So why don't you start us off? All right. Well, Hebrews shoots its credibility load in the first sentence. It was written sometime between 60 and 90 CE. And the opening line is, Long ago God spoke to our ancestors in many and various ways by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by a son.

Yes. Which last days? Unless we accept that he meant the last 702,547 days plus at least a couple, we know this book is full of shit right away. Right. And it also caps that sentence off by saying that jesus built the planet funny that that hasn't come up yet was in genesis apparently i don't remember that and then the book starts shit talking angels

you know the author's like sure angels are cool but they're utter shit compared to jesus yeah this part was confusing all of them them were, but yeah. What were they trying to correct here? The Hebrews thought Jesus was an angel? Why would they think that? It says, for to which of the angels did God ever say, you are my son.

Today I've become your father. And the Hebrews are reading this letter saying, none. God said that to none of the angels. We know. We wrote his origin story. Yeah, it's our fucking book. He also, and I thought this was kind of weird, but at the end of chapter one, he alludes

to the fact that God told Jesus, sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet. Ew. I mean, isn't that a dark fucking image for Jesus? Like he's up in heaven right now having a beer with God, and Pontius Pilate and Judas are forming a human ottoman under his smelly sandals. That's like Genghis Khan shit, isn't it? Right?

And then they close it out by making sure we understand that angels are just really slaves with wings. Yeah. There's no reason to get all excited about them. Just relax. Heaven slaves. If you're wondering, by the way, why the author felt the need to talk about how much bigger Jesus' dick was than the angels, it's because

the previous prophets had just talked to angels, whereas the anonymous person who wrote this, at least three decades after Jesus' supposed death, was talking to God's son. So he's righter than all those scroll-eating, hair-attacking, shit-biscuit-munching prophets

in the Old Testament. Obviously. Yeah, he's got his shit together. So after bolstering the credibility of his fictional character by pointing out that it's more reliable than the ones given to crazy people by an entirely fictional race of beings, he explained that the only reason Jesus was so weak

and crucifiable back in the day is that God wanted to defeat the devil. Sure. Right. And at this point, it seems like they realized chapter one was a big mistake. Because now all the Hebrews are going to clearly start asking, yeah, now that you mentioned it, why didn't you make everybody angels? Especially the so-called Messiah. It's a dick move.

Right. The writers basically use the public school hiring excuse if we get teachers that are shitty at math they're better at explaining it to the kids who are mostly shitty at math it makes sense for schools but you know god could have made everybody good at math and have wings still a dick move although angels don't get genitals so yeah but yeah i mean that was weird and then he said that God became flesh and blood so that, quote, through death he might destroy the one

who has the power of death, that is, the devil, end quote. So apparently, God isn't omnipotent enough to destroy the devil without a bunch of stipulations. And also, either the devil is destroyed

or God also isn't omnipotent enough to destroy him with stipulations. Like, he tried and fucked up in this book. Right. Then we get more of the shitty public school teacher thing. This time it's like that science teacher who built a completely useless visual aid to demonstrate a fucking three word concept to you nine times. Basically it's a big square peg that says bad Jews on it. A small round hole that says heaven on it.

See? See? Click, click, click, click. Doesn't fit. But Jesus can make you small and cylindrical. We're trying to put a bagel in your ear. It doesn't work. In chapter four, we learned that Joshua is the kind of person you should emulate. We learned that Jews still get a day off once a week if they become Christian.

Good to point out. And also that God has x-ray vision and is looking at your junk. Right now. Yeah, right now, this minute, your junk. And then we get an apologetic that will haunt Christianity forever. It basically says in here, like, does it not say elsewhere in this same book

that the shit I'm saying is true? And as Ray Comfort will be happy to demonstrate in an intrusive and bigoted way on camera, they still use that one. And then there's some spectacular condescension about how the Jews aren't smart enough to eat big boy portions. Yeah.

That's pretty bad. Basically tells the Hebrews that they should know enough to be teachers at this point, but clearly they've regressed and they need to be held back or something. Right, yes. Time to catch up on the new

common core standards of Christianity. Jesus math is different now. Three equals one. It's all fucked up. Well, and clearly, like, this is just here to cover up some shit that didn't make sense

to whoever was writing it. Like, the author basically says, well, you know, this next part's pretty complicated and you guys are too dumb to get it on account of all your sins and unrighteousness.

So don't worry about this part. Just try it. You'll have to trust me on this. Just ignore it. Yeah, the toddler excuses are sprinkled liberally throughout. Like in chapter six when he says, sure, of course we can resurrect the dead and heal people with our Jesus magic. But only when God permits us to. Only if I really want to.

We work some mysterious ways, y'all. Also, this is where they accidentally bring up the infinite regress problem without realizing it applies to god too and they have to quickly shut it down so you know when uh you know when you swear an oath has to be in the name of the creator right that's how we know that god was telling the truth when cut it down and seen yeah they still use that one too. And then the book gets insane. Okay, so in chapter seven, we meet King Melchizedek of Salem. Who? Who probably should have come up before now.

A little weird to add him right at the end. So according to the book of Hebrews, there's an immortal dude named Melchizedek that was all about some God way before Abraham came along. Also, he has no parents, so he's just hatched out of an egg or something, and he's still wandering around here somewhere

to this day. He just hasn't felt the need to identify himself at any point in the last 20 centuries. And he looks a lot like Jesus, by the way. Yeah. I'm sorry, this guy clearly just gets made up on the spot. Like, it's two kids arguing about the biggest number. My dad has a billion dollars. Mine has a Googleplex.

Oh, yeah? Mine has Melchizedek entity. It's the most. Yeah, isn't that one of Superman's enemies? Yeah, it has to say his name backwards or something. Son of Drell, kneel before Melchizedek. And then the insanity gets insane because, this is so fucking weird, he starts telling us about how Abraham

used to pay his tithes to Melchizedek, which means Abraham used to pay his tithes to Melchizedek, which means that technically Levi also paid tithes to Melchizedek when he was living in his dad's balls before he was born, which is where you live before you're born, which means that any Jew who ever tithed to a Levite is actually tithing to Melchizedek through the transitive property of Abraham's balls. QED. Air tight.'s balls. QED. Air tight.

Got it. All right. Well, and this is all offered to bolster Jesus' street cred, which seems really fucking weird if you ask me. Oh, so you don't think Jesus was the Messiah, huh? Let me tell you about a guy you never heard of that was better than all the people you have heard of, and then I'll say Jesus was even better than him. Checkmate, bitches.

That's the argument, yes. The whole thing's like two little kids arguing. If this was a game of chess, the Jewish kid clearly won, but then the Christian kid just pulls out a G.I. Joe action figure, smashes the board with it, and yells, no, that's an A! I win. The winner. This one can go like a king and a queen and do the horsey thing.

Right. You didn't know about that because you're Jewish. Cobra Commander, checkmate. Right. If that's not enough to convince you, he points out that Jesus is going to outlive all the assholes who say he wasn't the Messiah, and he might need a new footstool. You never know. Watch your ass. Yeah, I feel like this book presents Jesus like he's a union rep or negotiating a better

covenant. And I mean, to the author's credit, the Levites took a pretty shitty deal back on Sinai. So it definitely could use a little bit of renegotiation. Yeah. And then we get the blood sacrifice thing and the argument is essentially presented like this. Hey, we can all agree that sprinkling lamb and goat blood around has awesome magic powers, right?

Right? Can we? So just imagine how much more awesome those magic powers would be if instead of goat you used God. That's the argument. They knew somehow they'd be speaking

to a bunch of idiots in Texas one day. Remember how much you enjoyed killing that black rhino and you started hunting human beings on that island with the crazy general guy? I feel like you got nowhere to go from there. Wrong. Because you have not lived until you shoot a deity in the face with a crossbow.

Let him die for your sins. Yeah, having God blood splattered on you cleanses you even better than having cow blood splattered on you. I don't know that I can argue with that logic. That might just be, it's like, okay, I can see that point. And then he does a weird 180 and acts like Jesus dying was more of a legal technicality. He says, well, the whole second covenant, we don't have to murder goats anymore thing, was in God's will. Yes.

And a will can't be enacted until somebody does. That's the real. That's actually the argument presented in Hebrews 9.16. It was in God's will, so he had to die. God's immortal. We didn't tell you that part. Yeah, he's immortal. It's not a big deal.

The Giants and the Yankees essentially pulled the same shit, but just not quite as badly. Basically, the Jews are all seasoned ticket holders, obviously, so Christians just demolish the old stadium, build a new one, and start selling PSLs to new customers. Jews can still get in, but pay a lot more. Exactly, exactly. And then they're like, and I did this to my dick for nothing? Also, I think it's worth pointing out, because a lot of the contradictory bullshit that we point out in the Bible, it'll just roll right off of a dedicated Christian's back.

But this one usually stops me in the tracks. Okay, so according to the Bible, blood is required for the forgiveness of sin, and even God is bound by that rule. Not even God can get around that without spilling his own blood. So whose rule is it? Well, he comes pretty close to making a good point in chapter 10 when he's talking about the blood sacrifice. He says, hey, you notice how we've been murdering all these goats and bulls and shit and we're still miserable and we're sinful?

I don't think it's working. Right. And that's solid. That's solid. But since the solution is believe in the divine authority of this dead carpenter who left no written record, he really undercuts it. Yeah, slightly. It basically says the blood of bulls and goats can't take away our sins. That's stupid, obviously.

the blood of bulls and goats can't take away our sins. That's stupid, obviously. Only by the Jews murdering a Jewish guy can we really be cleansed of our sins. That's a perfect sentence. Yeah, that already happened. Yeah, not one of you Jewish guys. We didn't really solve anything here, but you still have to follow all the rules.

God is actually three different... It's complicated. Just stop being Jewish. Trust me. If you take anything away from this book... And just in case you missed it in the opening, by the way, the guy writing almost 2,000 years ago reiterated that, quote, in a very little while, the one who is coming will come and will not delay.

Yes. End of quote. Not just a little while, a very little while. Uh-huh. Until the end of days in the year 90. Well, and then in chapter 11 the bible goes all bogosian and doesn't even know it okay so this is the infamous line like faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence for things unseen but after saying it they act as though that isn't

a good reason to ignore it they present it as yeah exactly exactly that's synonymous with just being stupid right and then he lists a ton of good reasons to ignore it, too. He says, hey, guys, Abraham almost stabbed his innocent son to death because of faith. So we should have more of the kid almost murdering stuff? Yes. I don't understand. If it makes you almost kill your kid, how could it be bad? Right.

Remember all those other Jewish people that did stupid shit for no reason and didn't work out at all, and now we're stealing the god promise from you that was faith i'm not being clear stop being jewish and then faith is a pretty good deal yeah well we're well we're on the subject kind of and this is the part of the book that's so damning to the oh that's just the old testament apologists because in chapter 11 the new testament endorses all the worst shit in the old one Except for the Levite's Concubine okay in one chapter

The author endorses God drowning all the People but Noah and his family Abe almost Murdering Isaac all the fucked up Shit that Jacob did all the people Joshua Murdered all the people Samson murdered All the babies that God Murdered in Egypt and then In one blanket statement all the people That God murdered in Egypt, and then in one blanket statement,

all the people that God had killed in wars of conquest. So just to make sure the Amalekites got in there too. It feels like a band that's trying to play their new album at a concert, but they keep getting forced to play shitty covers of old Jewish songs. They don't want to play Isaac almost gets stabbed. We really, we really like to show you this new one. We were Isaac stabbing! Drowning all the people!

Drowning all the people! And then in chapter 12, we're reminded that God only hits us for our own good. Of course. Yeah, it says, remember the Lord only disciplines the ones he loves. And I'm thinking, first of all, he's supposed to love everybody, so fuck off.

And secondly, isn't this a great excuse to break up with him? Yeah, if you didn't already have a good one. Definition of an abusive relationship. I mean, this whole chapter, though, chapter 11, is all over the fucking map. It talks about what an asshole Esau was for getting duped out of his birthright. The dick. It talks about how Jews should stone animals to death if they walk on God's favorite mountain.

Reminds everybody that Jesus could kick Abel's ass. And then it closes with a promise that when God earthquakes the heathens to death, he promises not to shake up the Christians. He actually says that. He does, yes.

He does. I feel like this would have been a good spot to throw in a quick warning about Islam. Islam? Your little heads up. Yeah, Islam? A little heads up. A little nugget. Emergence of your mortal enemy. Take over the Holy Land for centuries.

So you know how us Christians stole your idea, changed a few names, and ran with it? Well, that's going to happen again. It's going to happen again. But this time, all those tribes you guys tried to genocide in part one, they're going to join forces and nearly wipe you off the face of the continent for a while. It's not a big deal. Just be ready, they're going to join forces and nearly wipe you off the face of the continent for a while.

It's not a big deal. You know, just be ready. It's going to happen soon. Like way sooner than very extremely soon. Yeah, right. Exactly. Way before Jesus comes back, which is imminent any second now.

And then he wraps it up with a rundown of the most important bullet points. Be nice to strangers because you never know they might be angels. Be empathetic when people are getting tortured. Nothing about not torturing anyone, but don't fucking tell God says it's okay. Don't be greedy. Eat all the bacon and shellfish you want, and don't ask God for a bunch of shit

because you already have more than your wretched, sinful ass deserves. And in the very last second, the author remembers that this was supposed to be a letter. So they add some lettery sounding shit in the last paragraph or two. Right. Yeah. Just a little bit. Oh, yeah. Timothy's going to come by like, you know, I always say because I'm Paul.

So the message of this book was clearly stop whacking off your dick tip and murdering goats. It's freaking out the Gentiles. Right. So what do you guys think? Did it make its case? Well, after reading it, I can say that this book achieved at least half of its goal. I'm not a Christian or anything, but it definitely convinced me that Jews are full of shit. Right.

If you didn't know that going in. Right. I know it now. Just a weird, weird book. The whole thing reads like a car commercial about the competitors being inferior. Jewish deity power and associates rank Jesus number one in its class for initial block. Right. For the Jews.

And we're saying it. That could have been the whole book. Right. Judaism. The brand X of Abrahamic faith. Well, as we alluded to up front, we're getting damn close to retiring the Holy Babel segment altogether. I'm not really going to miss it.

We've got eight books to go. We're going to be knocking them out in three segments over the next two months. So if you're looking forward to Revelation, as much as I am, fear not. It is right around the corner, like very right around the corner. I'm looking forward to the one

after Revelation. Yeah. Which one is that? The Quran. The Quran. Oh, fuck off. Jesus Christ. No rest for the wicked. Hilarious people. I'm going to go. comes out and you're near Atlanta, it's not too late to have an epic fucking weekend. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister show, The

Skeptocrat, at 8 a.m. Eastern on Monday. Eli's going to be joining us to break down the first Democratic primary debate. Should be fun. And if that's not enough, Eli, of course, you can check out a new episode of our spinoff show, Godawful Movies, at 8 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. You can find links to both shows at skatingatheist.com, or you can look for them on iTunes, Stitcher, or whatever. Obviously, I can't call it an episode before I thank Heath for his numerous contributions.

He always works his ass off, but he's really stepped up over the last couple of weeks while I've been on IR. Can't thank him enough for that. Speaking of people who have been more inconvenienced by my broken bones than I have, I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for everything she does to make this show happen.

Also want to give a big thanks to the numerous listeners that have heated our call for more Farnsworth quotes over the last couple of weeks, getting a pretty good stockpile together, but by all means, keep them coming. I always run out. I've got a number of contributors to thank over the next couple of weeks,

but of course I want to start with the chairman of Guam himself, who was kind enough to provide this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to show your appreciation by following him on Twitter, you'll find a link on this week's show notes. And of course, if you live around Knoxville, Tennessee, you probably heard that Farnsworth quote,

pause the show and checked out Knoxville, atheist.org immediately because fuck is that chunk of country covered in Jesus splooge. Anyway, I used to live around there. It sucks. But I'll have a link for them on the show notes as well if you didn't already check it out. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Sammy Dang Griffith, the Blaspheminator, Sharon Siftoed, Jennifer, Eric, Frank, and John. Sammy Dang Griffith and the Blaspheminator, whose intellects are so vast they make Laplace's demon look like a floppy disk. Thank you. Notoriously Notorious Non-Believing Non-Believe... Shit. I'm sorry. It's been a really long week. I just didn't have time for good alliteration or a rhyme scheme this time around.

But these nine incredibly awesome people will always have a place in both my heart and my subterranean zombie shelter as they were kind enough to help keep the show going by donating at patreon.com slash scathingatheist and or by making a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com. You too, of course, can show your support by doing the same. And keep in mind that if you've been meaning to donate, you've been putting it off. According to the Christians, the end times are right around the corner. And yes, we'll still be here after the

rapture. But at that point, it's going to be a pain in the ass to donate to the show because you're going to have the mark on your forehead and your hand substituting for currency. And there will be fire demons raping you. Just trust us. It's best to set up your recurring donation before the apocalypse. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

Alright, I think we're good. You think so? Good.