The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 140: Illegal Prayer Downfield Edition

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

In this week's episode, we'll stimulate your posterior medial frontal cortex with our sexual magnetism, Jim Bakker warns that Planned Parenthood is harvesting babies like those giant spider things from The Matrix, and we'll find a football coach who did something even more offensive than Indi's fake punt.

Warning, the adult language in the following podcast is really juvenile. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the brand new Muslim hip-hop album from the label that brought you Notorious B.I. Jihad. Life After Death Row Records presents Isis Cube, Straight Outta Hormuz. Available now on sunytoons.com and wherever spiritual gangster rap is sold. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Angry Beard of the relatively new and eclectic Mr. Angry Beard blog. And after looking at the easily available, abundant, and overwhelming evidence, I am here

to assure you that we did, in fact fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 22nd. And despite my age, I've still got the steady stream of a 33-year-old. No illusions. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Confederate of habeas corpus, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll stimulate your posterior medial frontal cortex with our sexual magnetism.

Jim Baker warns that Planned Parenthood is harvesting babies like in The Matrix. And we'll find a football coach who did something even more offensive than Indy's fake punt. But first, the diatribe. You know, the critical feedback we get on this show usually falls into one of three categories. Category one, and probably the most common, the joke you made about blank was horribly inappropriate. Category number two, and the second most common, you won't be laughing at Jesus when he's torturing your corpse forever.

And category three, you're too mean and that's hurting the atheist movement. Now, to be perfectly honest, when we started this show, I dismissed the last two and I wrestled over the first one. But as the show's grown in both age and in listenership, I've shifted to dismissing the first two and wrestling over the third. So when there were 800 people listening to this show, it was easy to laugh off the charge that the asshole re-coming from this show is having any real effect on the worldwide perception of atheism, but as the show's grown, I have to at least consider the fact that for some people, this podcast is going to be their first experience with the atheist movement. You know, I mean, the title insulates us a little bit. We're pretty upfront about the not being nice thing, but I can't exactly hide behind the nobody's listening to this shit excuse anymore. Now, before I go any further, let me be clear about the feedback

I'm talking about, because some people will say, hey, you were too mean when you talked about how fat and disgusting Kim Davis was. That stuff gets filed under Category 1. You know, I'll say whatever I want about that fat scut, and I'll make no apologies for it. If I did not point out that she's a human version of the bus driver from South Park, that would be disingenuous. The you're too mean stuff that I'm talking about here is more like from the philosophical

angle. It's not that people are saying we're assholes. They're saying that we're intellectually dishonest assholes. You know, they're saying, hey, you'd be a more effective communicator if you were at least willing to admit to some of the positive qualities of religion. In fact, if you listen to the most recent episode of our new show, Godawful Movies, you heard a form of this argument. And sorry for the shameless cross promotion, but if you haven't heard it, you really should. I think it might be our best episode to date. And a big reason for that was the hilarious guest that Eli invited on a comedian by the name

of micah sherman who absolutely killed it so at one point he's trying to make the larger point about how like religious kids do some really creepy shit but on his way to get to this point he threw religion a bone that i took issue with on the air he said something along the lines of like you know i know that religion has positive effects on some people i think it was something like you know i have bornagain friends who really turn their lives around because of their faith, but. Now, that's something I hear from a lot of atheists, to be honest. You know, the propitiative throwaway line about how religion is just fine for some people, conciliatory admissions about how, you know, religion helped my cousin Dave get off of heroin,

don't get me wrong, but, you know, so many atheists like to toss those out beforehand so as to not kick religion in the nuts too hard. It's like the minimalist approach to the compliment sandwich. Makes you sound more reasonable, I guess, if you can show that you're not writing off all of religion, you're just pointing out some flaws. Now, I would imagine that a lot of atheists toss this shit out in conversation, even if they don't believe it. One of the things that makes admitting to one's atheism publicly so awkward is that there's no way of doing it without telling people around you that they're wrong. So if you're trying to appease them with a soft-hearted endorsement, that's probably a good way to soften the blow, I guess. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure religion is fine for you or whatever.

And if that's all it is, if it's just a rhetorical way to get your foot in the door to make a larger point, I guess I can more or less overlook it. But the problem arises when people think that it's actually true. So, you know, let's examine that precept for a second. Let's look at cousin Dave. Now, inarguably, cousin Dave was a fuck up in every aspect. He was a hopeless heroin addict, whatever. And then Dave got saved and he turned his life around. And he's since then he's been working a steady job. He's off the needle. You know, it's been years. Okay. Now, if you're a critical thinker and i think you are you've already noticed the problem here we're dealing with a sample size of one right so if we want to examine the success rate of religion in getting fucked up people to turn their lives

around we need a large sample size of fuck-ups that got saved and then we need to compare religion success rate to the success rates of secular counseling and methadone treatments and family interventions etc before we can make a claim as bold as religion turned Dave's life around, we would need to see these data. I mean, sure, whatever. Dave credits Jesus for turning his life around, but I've seen chemo patients credit Jesus for the remission of their cancer, right? I mean, if Dave took some homeopathic stop doing heroin pills right before the turnaround, you'd demand to see that kind of information before you were willing to endorse homeopathy, so why should religion be any different? Now, obviously, nobody's actually tracking these data, but I'm willing to wager your choice of my

testicles that secular programs outperform religious ones when it comes to helping addicts. You know, I don't think I'm creeping too far out of the ledge when I say that the evidence-based thing that adjusts itself based on success and failure is going to generally outdo the mythology-based one that has the same answer for every fucking problem. But let's say I'm wrong, right? Let's say that the AA has some other reason for, you know, refusing to release any information about recidivism and success rates. Let's say that somebody, like, does all this research and they bring it back to me and they say, hey, no, look, find a Jesus has a significantly higher success rate for heroin addicts than methadone. Even in light of those data, I wouldn't concede the point.

And here's why. Religion is bullshit. It's not true, right? So like if I could stop you from doing heroin by convincing you that like if you did, you'd be attacked by gremlins, would I be doing you a favor? You know, if instead of living your life plagued by addiction, you were living your life terrified of gremlins, is that a net positive? And by the way, are all lieslins, is that a net positive?

And by the way, are all lies okay if they offer a net positive? Try wandering down that ethical road for a while and see how long it takes you to reject it. Now, some people will dismiss my gremlins analogy as too harsh, but if anything, the problem is that it's not harsh enough. You know, to make it accurate, we have to also assume that there are multiple worldwide institutions that are trying to exploit the fear of gremlins to take your fucking money. We'd have to pretend that politicians all over the country are winning votes by promising to eradicate the gremlins.

We'd have to assume that violent extremists are using fear of gremlins to recruit their suicide soldiers. Because look, religion doesn't exist in a vacuum. There's no way to give Cousin Dave the addiction recovery portion of religion without also giving him the get-and-take-it-advantage-by-money-grubbing-pastors bit. Or the learningubbing pastors bit or the learning to hate gay people part or the reinforcing cultural misogyny part or the us and them part or the vote for me because I love Jesus more part. It's a package deal. And even if you could identify one part of the package that's good, it doesn't counterbalance

the mountains of damaging bullshit on the other side of the scale. Now, I would argue and in fact have argued and in fact have argued, and in fact am arguing right now, that there is no good part. I've yet to see a single aspect of religion that couldn't be improved upon if the faith element was removed. I do agree that joining new communities is helpful for drug addicts, but I think a new community that doesn't demand fealty to a magical immortal carpenter is at the very least equally effective. It's not that I'm too stubborn to admit that religion has benefits for some people. Fuck, having diphtheria has some benefits. Probably helps you lose weight or something.

But that doesn't put me under any prerogative to start my conversation about it by saying, hey, don't get me wrong, diphtheria is right for some people. The problem is that I'm making no effort to carve out excuses for the religious people around me. So if you want to call me an asshole, that's fine. I call myself an asshole, but I'm only an asshole because social convention would have me be a liar. And I'd rather be an asshole. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the enemy of my enemy, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to take religion from both ends at the same time? Like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs. In our lead story tonight, the insane clown posse's theological relationship with magnetism became a bit more complicated last week when researchers from UCLA and the University of York published a study that suggested directing magnetic energy to certain parts of the brain can decrease a person's religiosity. This will come as no surprise to anybody who knows how brains work,

as we've known for a long time that brain stimulation and brain damage can cause vast changes in a person's religiosity or any other part of their personality. But for people clinging to the no, there's a ghost driving my brain paradigm, this adds to the body of contrary evidence known collectively as human knowledge. Oh, good.

Well, I'm sure we're going to be getting a book from William Lane Craig really soon about how God designed a kill switch in case people start faithing wrong. Shut down them Muslims. We're bored of that. Now, the culprit region here is the posterior medial frontal cortex, which, among other things, is the part of your brain that deals most directly with alertness and response to immediate threats. which, among other things, is the part of your brain that deals most directly with alertness and response to immediate threats. This is the part of your brain that moves your head out of the way while the rest of your brain is still thinking, did that motherfucker just throw a shoe at me? President.

They gathered up a bunch of religious subjects, crammed some hot, throbbing magnetic stimulation deep into their craniums, talked to them a bit about death, and then asked them to rate their belief in God, heaven, hell, demons, etc. And as predicted, the subjects with the depressed threat response were significantly less likely to profess religious beliefs. All right, well, I think it's about time for Obama to start sending out the drones with godless magnet lasers on them. Hells yeah. Chemtrails not working fast enough, clearly. Big problem. Obviously.

Now, it's certainly worth noting that God belief wasn't the only thing they were testing here. While they had the subjects all transcranially stimulated, they also asked them about their feelings towards immigrants that criticized their country. And quite predictably, the negative views towards immigrants decreased at about the same level as the religiosity. In other words, bigoted nationalism and religion are triggered by the same part of the brain, the part of the brain that circumvents higher order thinking to react instinctively when it feels threatened. And while this study is just a preliminary finding, it's part of a mountain of psychological and neurological data that increasingly show religion for what it is, a thoughtless threat response.

Defense mechanism. Good job. And in wasted shackles news tonight, GOP presidential candidate and accurate preview of Jonah Hill's future body over time, Mike Huckabee, appeared on Jan Mickelson's radio show last week to discuss, among other things, the criminal justice system. In particular, they addressed the concern that a progressive conspiracy to ignore the Bible, create a jail system and outlaw human bondage seems to be the root of the problem. And in case that wasn't clear, they endorsed slavery. Yes, that's what happened there. Maybe not for black people only, but definitely lots of them get enslaved in their scenario. Yeah, right, right. But I love that an earnest effort to give Huckabee the benefit of the doubt can be worded as, well, he doesn't want only black people to be slaves.

people to be slaves. So if you're wondering how these guys managed to segue from a normal no slaves conversation to an endorsement of slavery, very reasonable thing to be wondering. Unless you're familiar with Mickelson or Huckabee. So with something like this, Mickelson suggested that prisons are a pagan invention and argued that he prefers the Bible's method instead, as written in the book of Exodus, which tells us that criminals who can't afford to pay back their debt to society have to become slaves until they're even. At which point Huckabee agreed to the bringing back slavery idea and added,

quote, sometimes the best way to deal with nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested, end quote, which was just to review court ordered term slavery. Yes, right. Exactly. Exactly. So if Huckabee gets elected, guys, make sure your crimes are violent. All right.

So now I will admit that you successfully reached slavery endorsement in the chain of conversation. But to get there, you had to start with prisons are a pagan invention so i don't know that you fulfilled your promise of getting from a normal no slaves conversation to an endorsement of slavery i mean it's not your fault i'm sure i have no doubt that the conversation wasn't like more normal before the witch prison thing so whatever starting point you picked would have been the same arbitrary amount of normalcy i just thought that was worth pointing out. Yeah, fair enough. Abnormal non-slave to slavery. There you go. By the way, we learned that Mike Huckabee thought it would be

a good idea to do a little bit of abolitionist slandering as a way to fire up his voting base, which is terrifying. Fortunately, this group of people is way too small for him to get a GOP nomination. Unfortunately, this is exactly the type of thing Donald Trump wishes he had said first. And he's leading the polls. Right. And in sticker in the rear news tonight, we have an update on the constitutionally dubious police car stickers arm race going on in Texas. Emboldened by a governor who recently went on record as not giving a fuck and an attorney general under public pressure from his boss to also not give a fuck,

the post-coital cum plugs that run the Hemp Hill County Sheriff's Office have upped the ante from In God We Trust stickers on the back of their police cruisers to actual Bible quotes about how awesome Jesus is. All right, well, it's adorable that this police department of grown adults has a sticker collection like an eight-year-old girl, but I think they need to step it up but you got to commit to a first amendment violation go big or go home so you know if they switch out the hood medallions for like buddy christ bobbleheads maybe i'll get some 22 inch spinners with 10 commandments on 40 foot wooden crosses sticking out just make the arms race entertaining for us. Right, exactly. Now, it's

worth noting that up to this point, the police departments with their In God We Trust stickers were hiding behind the excuse that that's the national motto. Of course, that's kind of unconstitutional. True, but it's true and probably enough to insulate them from legal recourse. I mean, not being a dick with taxpayer money should be

enough to motivate them, but they're Christians, so it isn't. But I Am the Good Shepherd, John 1011, isn't the national fucking motto. This is a textbook example of a local government endorsing a religion. In fact, I bet it's literally that. I bet we could go find a legal textbook that uses this under the for example portion of the establishment clause question. That would be perfect to put there. Yeah, absolutely. of the establishment clause question.

That would be perfect to put there. Yeah, absolutely. Now, I personally prefer the police motto in Baltimore, which is, I believe, abandon all hope ye who enter here. It's a lot more effective. Jersey's still pissed that they didn't get it first. Camden tried, yeah. But the point is that until now,

the story has largely played in the media as look at all these uppity atheists getting all bitchy about these police cars like they have over the money and the Pledge of Allegiance. That narrative is absolutely invalidated by this latest move. You know, as soon as the police department in question got a whiff of support from the governor, they showed their true colors. They went from sort of general God type stuff to, I love Jesus so much.

You know, as soon as they had the sense they could get away with that. In other words, they did exactly what the the atheist said they were going to do it's like we're psychic or intellectually honest even when our opinions are unpopular it's definitely one of those two things and from the start participating file tonight hey the u.s department of justice announced last week their plans to crack down on domestic terrorism in coordination with the Southern Poverty Law Center, using that group's information about violent hate groups. And although this sounds like a pretty good idea, that'd be really awkward to disagree with. The Family Research Council unabashedly disagrees with it. Color me shocked.

And if I'm understanding them correctly, it's because laws against violent hate crimes are supposed to have RFRA exemptions for Christian people, I guess. And also, somebody needs to tell those N-word lovers over the SPLC about the rules. Yeah, Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Hate Group, called it another effort by the Obama Department of Justice to, quote, marginalize and silence the Americans it disagrees with, end quote. And if that's true, save the fucking money, Obama. Tony Perkins can marginalize himself. Thank you very much. For example.

And here's the comment about preventing violent extremism that got a bunch of Christians really scared, which, again, is pretty damning right there. Right. Yes. So, according to Assistant Attorney General John P. Carlin, quote, the full spectrum of violent extremism shares a number of common elements, and our approach to disrupting them must recognize these connections, end quote. Which is a really nice way of saying it's fucking religion. Every group we uncover is full of religious fundamentalist lunatics uh am i not being clear so my job is to stop domestic terrorism and jesus

makes my job really hard just stop believing in fake things and relax yeah i'm a good guy i shouldn't have to repeat that yeah And in Park of the Covenant news tonight, the internal definition of Christian persecution expanded to the realm of municipal parking last week when leaders at the United House of Prayer in Washington, D.C. claimed that a proposed bike lane in front of their church infringes on their religious freedom to park where those damn hippies would be cycling. Yes, They're arguing that taking up space where their parishioners might otherwise park would violate their religious freedom.

And while I'll certainly agree that religiosity is a handicap, I don't think it deserves all the perks. Maybe the perks for a mental disability. I mean, be okay with a government program that provides them soft helmets and sippy cups, but yeah but parking?

Right. Try that in New York. See what happens. That's fair, though. So let me be perfectly clear what's happening here. Nobody thinks parking near the church counts as part of a religious doctrine, and in order to be a referee case, it would have to be. But at the same time, nobody in city government has the balls to stand up to the overreach

of Christian churches, which is precisely what this church is counting on. And I think it's worth noting that, unlike all the businesses and residences whose parking would be disrupted by the proposed bike lane, Are there other buildings there? the church isn't even paying the taxes that maintain the fucking roads that their customers are parking on.

Yeah. Also, I don't recall anything in the Bible about thou shalt park within a two-block radius of your church. Right. Maybe it was right after the part that says you're not supposed to drive on God's day. I might have missed it. I might have missed it. You guys don't even know which is God's day.

It's not a big deal. Right. Unless you think that this is just a local pastor man thing ranting at his YouTube followers, it's worth noting that DC's Department of Transportation already relented to an exactly analogous issue when some other church pitched that the bike lane would fuck up their parking. So yes, churches don't have to pay taxes. They don't have to declare their earnings. The products they sell don't have to exist.

They're immune from fraud laws. They're exempt from anti-discrimination laws. They're exempt from healthcare mandates. And we have to subsidize their parking. Even at the expense of the environment and the safety of people who can't afford cars, anything else is persecution. Anything less than that list of demands,

and they're suddenly fucking Jews in a concentration camp. And from the involuntary turkey expert file tonight, the Westboro Baptist Church might be forced to start protesting against itself after the Kim Davis issue sent them into an infinite loop of contradictions and likely caused some heads to explode. I hope so. And here's why. According to their literature over at the WBC, God still hates fags.

That much they know for certain. They're right. But God also hates adulteresses, even if they also hate fags. So it gets really complicated. Get out the chocolate. Almost impossible to know who you're supposed to spit at when you're in a parking lot situation. So that's some issues to work out of there. But one way or another, somebody is getting fucking harassed in a fucking parking lot.

Yeah. Yeah. And as I understand it, there are going to be some Kim Cameron Davis supporters, who will be protested by some neo-Nazis, who will be protested by some polygamous Mormons, who will be protested by an anti-mixed fiber group that hates their magic underwear. So if we can convince the WBC protesters that the polygamous Mormon underwear haters are fags, we could lock them into a circle of hate chants until they starve to death, which was our plan all along. Fun little daisy chain. i was thinking circle jerk so as of now it looks like the wbc will be showing up in kentucky to demonstrate against kim davis for being christian wrong before she became a christian by divorcing and remarrying right But they may also need to set up a counter-protest against people who are likewise against Kim Davis,

but for the wrong, hateful reason. As you can imagine, they're having lots of trouble with the new picket signs, which now need to communicate a lot more information. Yeah, it's getting tricky. And the chanting is also getting tough. Right now, I think they're going with, God loves people who hate fags

unless otherwise determined by the flowchart below. Which, you know, I mean, that's good and concise, but it's tough to get everybody in rhythm together. Plus, half the church is yelling similar things at you, but hatefully from the other side of a fence or First Amendment zone enclosure. And in rapes of graph news tonight, atheist free thinkers and thinkers in general

are livid over a new primary textbook being used in Ireland to teach six-year-olds about the joys of God rape. So, first things first, they teach Christian religion in Irish public schools. Secondly, brace yourself, it gets worse from there. Because included in the curriculum for a new first-grade religious education class is an in-depth discussion of why we should all praise Mary for agreeing to let God fuck her

even though she was scared and didn't know exactly what he was asking for. And that, boys and girls, is why Mariska Hargaday and the SVU team had to show up and take God down to the station for question. The end. Jerk off in this cup, man. Now, that's how the story should have gone, but according to the discussion portion of the teacher's guide for this lesson, quote,

When the angel Gabriel came to Mary, she was afraid and confused. She did not understand what God was asking of her, yet Mary chose freely to respond to God's invitation by saying yes. Despite her uncertainty, she had enough trust in God to agree to his request. End quote. So in summary, the Irish Catholic Church is teaching six-year-olds that if you trust somebody, you'll do whatever they want when they show up unexpectedly at your bed, even if you're afraid and confused. That would be the good Christian thing to do, boys and girls.

Why didn't anything show up in the rape kit? Great question, Seamus. Great question. Mary appeared to still be a virgin because God was playing just the tip when he came early. This starts to get inappropriate for six-year-olds if I keep explaining, so I have to cut it off right there. Eventually, yeah.

Oh, shit. We got to put that episode concept for SVU on Kickstarter, by the way. We're going to make that happen. We're going to get lookalike actors and shit. Also, kind of a side note on this, if you can set aside the kid rapey parts of the story, it's also interesting to reflect on the theological construct we have here, whereby God's plans would have been completely thwarted if Mary had more self-esteem or understood. I mean, it makes you wonder if God wasn't just going door to door until he found a teenage virgin gullible enough to consent to a good God plowing.

It went that close to virgin Elisheva or virgin Yahavet or something. Also, this pissed me off too. There was a little maze where you can help God's divine jizz baster find its way to Mary's vagina or whatever. And if that's not bad enough all by itself, the maze was stupid fucking easy,

even for a six-year-old. So offended as a Maze fan. And since we're already on the subject of vagina, I guess it'd be a perfect time to toss things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. A religious slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogyny. Since we've started doing this segment, I've gotten a lot of feedback, and the vast majority of it has been positive. But I've noticed that even a lot of the supportive, keep up the good work type feedback often comes with the stipulation, I'm not a feminist, but...

Now, I will admit that feminism is a bit of a tainted word. A lot of people have used it for causes of questionable value, and a lot of energy has been invested in polluting the term. So some have argued that it should be abandoned altogether. I guess it's a lot like the word atheism in that way. But to me, the term feminist means I think women and men should have equal rights. So whenever I read the I'm not a feminist but thing, I at least hope me and the writer are using different definitions. So in an effort to better understand our listeners, I want to step outside of my usual position and discuss some of the bad things about feminism.

For our first counterpoint, we'll turn to conservative columnist Diana West, who points out that too much feminism will inevitably lead to gang rape. In an interview with Frank Gaffney, she explained that the real cause of violence against women is that they're not treated like property enough. After all, people don't beat up their own property, do they? According to West, quote, if young women aren't prized and defended by a civilization, there is no civilization. And it's one of those things that we can say has come under attrition through feminism, end quote. This was all in response to a case in the UK where the authorities drug their feet on a group of men accused of multiple gang rapes.

And as convoluted as her logic sounds at first blush, I checked and coming under attrition isn't an actual phrase. So I guess it can mean whatever the fuck she wants it to mean. But if you think gangs are the only things you have to worry about, think again. Because apparently feminist attitudes

also lead to garden variety single ass single-assailant rapes, or their functional equivalent, which is, according to anti-abortion crusader Carol Everett, consensual premarital sex. Appearing on the batshit Jesus show Wall Builders, Everett explained that the real goal of birth control is to encourage women to have sex with as many people as possible. And as if a healthy sex drive wasn't bad enough, she added that women who take birth

control have, quote, gotten into much more perverted things now, end quote. And believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are that the quote ends there. I was dying to hear that old lady rattle off all the kinky shit she could think of. But alas, host Rick Green cut her off. When she got the speaking stick back, she explained that having sex with multiple partners is, quote, basically like rape, end quote. But don't worry, ladies. If you're being consensually raped, there's a solution. According to Everett, quote, it's a sick thing and the only thing that can help us recover is Jesus, end quote. And as if gang rape and regular rape weren't

enough of a downside, it turns out that feminism can also lead to a faggy army. This one comes to us from perennial scathing atheist favorite Tony Perkins, who decried what he saw as the emasculation of our military on his Washington Watch program last week. And the way he got there was spectacular. First, he had to establish that there was a biological difference between the sexes. Now, he could have gone with the presence or absence of a dick, but he chose an altogether baffling route instead. Quote, I like the difference between the sexes. I like the smell of perfume.

Look, I'm fine with wearing cologne, but I don't want to smell some other cologne. I like perfume. End quote. So after what he seemed to think was a solid demonstration that man and woman are separate words, he concluded, based on nothing but that, that letting women into the military will lead to the emasculation of our country. Because I guess he thinks all these well-trained Army Ranger chicks are coming for his dick. And I, for one, hope he's right. So yeah, I guess when I step outside of my own preconceived notions, I have to admit that there's a dark side to feminism, too. All that being said,

Fury Road was still fucking awesome. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in the other kind of fantasy football news tonight, public high school assistant football coach Joe Kennedy of the Bremerton Knights has taken not getting it to new heights during an escalating controversy revolving around his inability to fully distinguish the responsibilities of football coach from those of supreme theological dictator. Tricky, yeah. Apparently.

This story began a couple of months ago when kennedy was called out for leading students in prayer after every game he was reminded that was illegal he was told to stop and he promised he would which is where the story would end if todd starnes of the liberty institute was less of an asshole all right well just for the record joe kennedy is shitty at both coaching and praying because whatever he's been doing so far has led to one win and six losses. Other coaches are really good prayers. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Jesus just clearly likes the other guys more. So after the Liberty Institute stepped in to defend Kennedy by claiming that leading his team in a Christian prayer in the middle of an otherwise empty field was, quote, private religious speech, end quote, Kennedy pulled a 180 and said he would continue to pray. And then the superintendent of the district stepped in to assure him that the Liberty Institute was more than a little wrong and that he would definitely be fired if he followed their advice, at which point Kennedy pulled a 90 and said he might follow the law. Well, the will he won't he suspend has ended last Friday. Despite the unequivocal warning from his employer, Kennedy wiped his ass with the Constitution on the 50-yard line once again. I think it's time for the local satanic temple to step in. Maybe pour a few

gallons of milk on Joe Kennedy next time. Some of the few demons, because one in six is just unacceptable. They've got the homecoming game coming up. It'll be a fun movie, by the way. Maybe they can come through and pour some milk on my fucking fantasy team so kennedy defended himself with the familiar anything i call a belief is legal axiom when he said i shit you not quote when the district came out and said i couldn't you know practice my faith and i don't need to be praying with kids and raising helmets and everything that's not my belief end quote so it's not illegal because he

religiously sincerely doesn't believe in that law and as rancid as the bovine feces emanating from that excuse was apparently it was enough for the school district who ultimately decided that despite his illegal and immoral actions he gets to keep his job because jesus well i'm pretty sure he promised not to violate the constitution triple stamp for realsies this time so it's different i mean right yeah exactly i mean honestly it would be really easy to vilify the district here and we probably should but consider the position that this asshole has put him in if they fire him or remove him from his coaching position they get sued by his lawyers. They win the suit at great expense

to the local taxpayers. If they don't, they get sued by the people who think civil liberties are a good idea. They lose the suit at great expense to the local taxpayers.

One way or the other, they're fucked. And as it turns out, angry religious people are just scarier than angry atheists. So perfect solution. Yeah.

And from the Patty Melts file tonight, host of the 700 Club And guy whose brown checkered jacket Makes him look like a melty vanilla waffle cone Pat Robertson Once again strapped on his wooden scarecrow shoulders To hold his oversized zoot suit

And continue broadcasting his show To millions of people last week His head migrates lower on his body every week It's going to be in his lap by this time next year I swear And apparently Pat Robertson lower on his body every week. It's going to be in his lap by this time next year, I swear. And apparently, Pat Robertson is the Reggie Jackson of bigoted Christian talk show hosts because since October started, he's just been knocking them out of the park. Would you like to hear some highlights from last week?

The insane ramblings of an octogenarian bigot that looks like a light bulb that was in a house fire? Fuck yes, I would. Let me grab my popcorn. All right, we'll start simple. Got your standard latently homosexual Christian persecution fantasy. It's a basic staple for Pat Robertson. According to Patty Meltz, quote, the homosexuals don't just want to be left alone.

Now they want to come out and stick it to the Christians. And it's an organized thrust throughout this nation to force conformity. End quote. He also said they were, quote, going to make you participate whether you like it or not. End quote. So first of all, trust me, Pat, you're going to like it. And secondly, dude, nobody wants to fuck you. No gender, no sexual orientation, no species.

You're safe and have been for decades, bro. Except for the rare jowl porn producer. You're pretty much no demand for that. It's not as rare as that. So Robertson also had some brilliant remarks after being asked why he goes to the doctor if faith and prayer are supposed to be the real medicine. And here's the answer from P-Robes. Quote, the Lord might say, you prayed and go to see that doctor and he'll take the mole off your chin or something. What?

If you have enough faith, maybe I don't have enough, but I have faith for other people. But for myself, I think I did the right thing. End quote. So he's like a good vampire. What? did the right thing end quote so he's like a good vampire what i guess in the sense that it contains nouns pronouns verbs and conjunctions that was a good answer fell short by every other measure but you know and uh then we got one last gem from the p-robes oh excellent if you were asked him what to do when your gay son wants to bring a friend to Thanksgiving dinner with the family? According to P-Robes, the answer is ban the gay dude.

Of course. And that's because every time you don't shun your gay children, their prognosis for recovery gets worse and worse. Wow. Yeah. Point being, kid might be getting tired of the gay thing, you don't realize it, and then all of a sudden you're sending the wrong message. You know, kid hears things like, it's okay to share food with sodomites.

At that point, who wouldn't want to suck another dick? You know what I mean? Just don't be an enabler, is what he's saying. Apparently. And in Opignano, your business news tonight. Northwest Rankin High School teacher by day and Baptist minister by also day, Rick Hammerstrom, earned the notice of the American Humanist Association after allocating some time in history class for a discussion about how stupid atheists are.

In a complaint sent to the district, the Apignani Humanist Legal Center expressed concerns over repeated promotions of Christianity as well as the intentional creation of a classroom environment hostile to those who don't share his religious beliefs. Okay, but to be fair, before this guy even shows up for work, a history classroom is already a hostile environment for those who do share his Christian beliefs. So he's just trying to, you know,

strike a compromise with reality. That's the problem. So the complaint cites the following as an example of Hammerstrom's disparaging remarks. Quote, Atheists are throwing a fit because they don't have their own day. They do have their own day. It's called April Fool's Day because you are a fool if you don't believe in God.

Wow. That was clever. Yeah. I mean, I'm a little more offended as a humorist than a humanist here, but even the tamest of, say, anti-Semitic jokes would probably be the grounds for immediate termination, or at least I would hope. Even if you later argued that being frugal is a good thing and you were complimenting them. Now them Jews are saying they want their songs in the Christmas concert. But I think they got plenty of their own songs that they stole from black musicians.

Am I right? Am I right? He gets it. Steinberg knows. He knows. musicians am i right am i right he gets it steinberg knows he knows and by the way i should point out that this is not the first time that northwest rankin high has come up in this show we actually talked about them all the way back in episode 11 when they held a mandatory assembly about how awesome jesus was and then didn't have the sense to disguise that fact on their website and school handouts that apparently resulted in a 2013 settlement, the conditions of which they've been caught violating at least twice since.

Some tell me Hammerstrom's job isn't in jeopardy here. He'll be safe. And finally tonight, in one termination under God news, End Times pastor Jim Baker took some time away from deciding which wine glass has Iocane powder to continue broadcasting more TV advertisements for Doomsday Food Buckets, also known as the Jim Baker Show.

Right, right. Aside from the standard fraudulent sales pitch aimed at mentally incompetent apocalypse preppers, the topic from a recent episode was the concern that Planned Parenthood is not only running a slaughterhouse for fetuses, is not only running a slaughterhouse for fetuses, they're also hiding secret satanic temples that are summoning evil demons using ritual baby sacrifice. Of course they are. But it's okay, because Dave doesn't do heroin anymore. This is what I'm talking about, people. Would you rather the dude spend his money on drugs

or give it to this fucking hate monger? Case fucking closed. So, a quick review of some highlights from the discussion which by the way included special guest rick wiles oh just to make sure they didn't forget to address the important parallels to the holocaust so don't worry that's coming but first we learned from co host laurie baker that one out of five babies is aborted she also said said that half of African-American babies are aborted. Half. And that's not even counting the 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies that God murders himself.

It's even worse than that. And then Rick Wiles jumped in. And of course, no discussion of abortion is complete without mentioning the fact that Margaret Sanger is, quote, the founding mother of eugenics who taught that blacks should be eliminated, end quote. He also added that people over at Planned Parenthood are, quote, natal Nazis, end quote. And there it is. We have a Godwin. I swear, Rick Wiles just pays a guy to follow him around with one fucking cue card that says Hitler!

Big exclamation point. big exclamation point so i'm fairly confident that abortion clinics aren't also housing underground baby blood parties but i doubt they ever considered the idea so just to be sure it's not for lack of brainstorming we'll need 30 seconds on the clock ideas for the satanic temple slash women's health center go all, but before the clock starts running, I want to point out that I definitely know that they don't have the baby blip. I'm not going to say how I know that, but I definitely, I, okay, I checked, I checked.

That's several. Okay, so, well, since they're selling the tissue anyway, according to a video that is definitely a fucking fraud, you might as well start marketing them as Mephistomatic cells, right? Punch your name if you're selling to satanists what about neo-natal nazis experts in progenicide oh nice nice um how about some pan unspermia no family panning that's worse not better isn't it my bad i withdraw what about

zygote man presents broken Planned Parenthood? Go ahead, Conan. Oh, and obviously they'd have to have the Morning Star After Pill, a.k.a. Plan B Elzebub. Of course. What about Palpatine Pregnancy Centers? Stem Cell Your Soul. Nice topic. Well done.

The In Uter Omen? prepare for a maternity in hell oh that should be the name of our christian movie spoof yeah that'll do it all right what about a retail location like a pentagram neotic sax fifth avenue nice rosemary's babies are us there it is well done sir all right and just so we're not accused of being unicultural How about the great horned one child policy Now we're multicultural Buckets for ducats Alright what about Beelzebub's takeout taxi delivery service

A.K.A. Beels on Wheels The anti-Christmas carriage Anti-Christmas carriage And in hopes that during the musical interlude everybody's going to catch up with all the brilliant wordplay in that last one, we're going to close out the headlines tonight, Heath thanks as always Copscotch

and when we come back, we'll grab our elbow-length gloves so we can reach into the apologetic file once again Thank you. Tell Orlando, Florida, where Free Flow has taken place from the 6th to the 9th. FFRF co-president Dan Barker will be there keynote. Matt Dillahunty will be there as well, as will Sarah Moorhead, Seth Andrews, Andrew Seidel, and more. Plus, Orlando is warm. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Springfield, Missouri, but it'll certainly be worth braving pre-winter for it between the 13th and the 15th, where you'll be rewarded with the country's largest free skeptical convention.

They went with a quite ballsy move of not inviting back any of the speakers that have been there before, so if you get the feeling that a lot of these conventions are just the same people over and over, be sure to check their website. They're definitely making an effort to change it up. And if you're really far from Missouri that weekend, you might prefer the Hungarian Skeptics Conference taking place the same weekend in Hungary, but you probably won't. I just want to make Springfield seem more like driving distance for you. Also, I had a friend of the show ask that I toss a plug out to the Piedmont Humanists' Feast of the Spaghetti Monster in Greenville, South Carolina, also on November 14th. No speaker list or anything, but it's only five bucks.

You get to hang out with a bunch of other atheists, and you get spaghetti. Seems like a pretty good deal. Also, as evidence that I don't just mention the non-US ones as jokes, I want to remind our Kiwi listeners that the New Zealand Skeptics Conference is coming up in Christchurch from November 20th to the 22nd. Never has a place name been more in need of a bunch of atheists. Anyway, they got a really fun theme this year about global human extinction. Bunch of scientists coming together to tell you how the world is ultimately doomed. Sounds like a blast. Bring a date. Fuck with apocalyptic abandon afterwards. And finally, I wanted to make everybody aware of an online convention

that some friends are putting together for Saturday, November 7th. It's a collection of some really interesting and outspoken atheist voices on Facebook, several of whom I can vouch for as being truly awesome people. This is the first year, it's experimental, and it seems pretty awesome, actually. If you want more information on this or any of the events discussed, you'll find more information on the show notes for this episode. And if you're aware of an event that you think our audience would like to know about, let me know. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a couple of minutes to discuss the many apologetics used in defense of theism. So, Heath, what egregious insult to reason do you have for us today? Today, in response to an email from Adam, we'll be discussing the claim that Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship. Okay, well this sounds intriguing. So where does that one come from? The recognition that atheists already won the is religion a good thing or a bad thing argument. It's the theological equivalent of all those rats meeting at the stern of the Titanic for a send-off party. Gotcha. All right, so how is this one formally stated? It isn't, because people that present this argument don't do formal logicking. Okay, well, if a person that did use formal logic were to formally state it,

what would they say? I guess premise A, there's a lot of religions. Premise B, all the people who follow religions think theirs is the right one conclusion we need to call our thing something else that doesn't sound like an argument no no it doesn't more like desperate philosophical flailing if i had a point oh good yeah so then i i nailed the syllogism oh okay that's what you were going for good um so what kind of idiot would advocate for this position uh bill o'reilly good example. Really? Yeah, not only does he use it, but he claims that this redefinition of Christianity absolves it from all constitutional prohibitions, since there's no clause forbidding the government from establishing a relationship.

Oh, really? Very clever. Well, there's also no clause guaranteeing the free exercise of a relationship, is there? Yeah, in those cases, though, it becomes a religion again. Well, there's also no tax exemptions for relationships. Yeah, it's a religion in those cases, too. Okay, so in what cases is it not a religion? Disadvantageous ones. I see. Such as?

For example, when you want to endorse a political candidate, or when you're trying to argue against undeniable proof that the harms of religion dwarf the dubious list of benefits. All right, now, this is something I don't say often, but I find it hard to believe that even evangelical Protestants can make the mental leaps required to take this seriously. Then you underestimate evangelical Protestants, and that is remarkably hard to do. So congrats on that.

Thanks. All right. So how do they get there? Well, basically, they root through their religious doctrine until they find the one thing about their faith that's slightly different from all the other faiths. Then they redefine religion in such a way that excludes any faiths that differ in that way. I'm not sure I i follow that's only because your brain refuses to believe it's actually that stupid and it is so think less okay i'll try but in the meantime maybe you could help me with a with an analogy or something all right so let's say i don't want to pay taxes you don't want to pay taxes you didn't actually have to say it. Well, no, I know. I just mean it's easy. Never mind. Go ahead.

So let's say hypothetically, not actually, let's say rhetorically, I don't want to pay taxes. I look at the tax codes and I notice a loophole that says only humans have to pay taxes. So I tell the IRS that I'm not a human because no human

would beat off to the shit that I do. I would beat off to it. That's not the point. Well, I know. I know. It's an analogy. No, I know. Because you asked for an analogy.

Right. I was just saying that, I mean, I would beat off to some pretty fucked up stuff. I was just making an example and went for masturbation joke at the end because that's like kind of our thing. I actually beat off to pretty normal stuff. I mean, you know, your typical fair Asian lesbians, Mexicans with cleft palates, nothing kinky. I was just using a concept you're more familiar with. No, I know. I get it.

I just, you know, I didn't want you to feel alone when you masturbated. Wait, you what? I'm making it worse, not better. We'll get back to, I didn't want you to feel alone when you masturbated. Wait, you what? I'm making it worse, not better. We'll get back to the apologetic thing if you don't mind. Gladly. So the claim here is that religions teach their adherents how to sanctify themselves before a god or a group of gods. But according to Christian theology, you're already sanctified. And? What do you mean, and? That's the whole thing.

The whole what? The whole argument. That's not an argument. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Look, almost all of Christian argumentation boils down to an attempt to play around with the edges of a word's definition all of their arguments about faith their arguments about evolution being a theory arguments about atheism being dogmatic as well arguments about christian persecution if you discard all the christian arguments that rely on

a wanton misunderstanding of the dictionary you you basically have to discard all Christian arguments. Well, I do discard all Christian arguments. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Because discarding them would mean not asking me about them, and you just asked me about

this one. Okay, fair point. Okay, so how does one counter the argument from whatever the fuck this nonsense is called? Well, we've actually alluded to it several times in the segment already. No, we haven't. Yes, we have. No, we haven't.

Yes, we have. No, we... Oh, are you suggesting that we just, when they say Christianity isn't a religion, we just do the yes, it is, no, it isn't thing? No, no, no, no. I'm suggesting you just tell them to go fuck off and then watch some Monty Python.

Oh, okay. All right, yeah, good call. Good call. to go fuck off and then watch some monty python oh okay all right yeah good call it's time for the part of the show that comes next to listener feedback this is the part of the show that involves important issues like the official corn ratio of bourbon and the correct pronunciation of rural counties in kentucky and we've actually been meaning to get a feedback segment for a couple of weeks, but things kept running long, so we'll be clearing out a tightly packed inbox tonight. I like tightly packed boxes. First message comes from Russ, a.k.a.

Sweepless in Seattle. He emailed with a complaint about atheist taunting. Quote, just because the best quarterback in the NFL is an atheist and this really scrappy other quarterback who prays all the time will never be that good, doesn't mean God doesn't exist. God probably is a Packers fan this year. Aaron Rodgers is mean, hurtful, end quote. And while I don't want to risk revealing the semi-concealed identity of this emailer, it's worth noting that the email was originally intended

for a Christian podcast, but we intercepted it. And it came right at us. I mean, Marshawn Lynch would have been happy to just hand it to the original addressee, but for some fucking reason he threw it. We also had a tweet from Steve in Boston taking us to task for our use of the word midget. Quote, during a recent episode, you guys suggested that Planned Parenthood often has babies drawn and quartered by midget ponies.

And whether or not that's true, I was disappointed by your use of the M word. End quote. And the part of that sentence that offended him was the word midget? Yeah, right. Would that become less offensive if we said little small horses? The fetuses were drawn and quartered by my little ponies? Is that better? Okay, now that actually is better.

That would be more entertaining. So sorry, Steve, and not just for the fact you live in Boston here, because this is a clear example of PC gone insane. Okay, midget pony is a thing. There aren't little people ponies. I mean, it's like when they tried to replace black with African American but forgot that not all black people live in America. You can't just erase a word and then replace it with one that has a different definition.

It doesn't work that way. We also had an email from Vinny in Brooklyn with a question about pronunciation. Quote, what the fuck do you mean it's not pronounced New York? It's named after York, England. Learn to talk right. The dab of gall. End quote. Sorry, Vinny, or as they say in New York, fuck you.

Don't worry, guys. It's a term of endearment. He understands. Vinny understands what I mean. Agree to disagree. Now, we also got a really well thought out email from Lance in response to the diatribe from a couple of weeks back. If you recall, I talked about the US media's desperate effort to find an atheist murder

and a bunch of religious people for being religious so that they can counter the argument that religion inspires mass murder in a way that lack of religion doesn't. Now, during the diatribe, I talked a bit about finding that elusive atheist-inspired gunman and how that would make their position more tenable. Anyway, Lance writes, quote, I would argue that you're making a grave error in that concession, whether or not it happened. The reason that religion is able to inspire violence is because it has sacred doctrine, which places the authority of one's decisions in the hands of unquestionable rules rather than reason atheism simply does not have such doctrine there is no supreme authority in atheism thus even if a number of atheists murdered in the name of atheism

the notion of disbelief in god would not be culpable in the same way that say the islamic faith is culpable for people acting in direct accord with the book that they venerate now there was a lot more to the email but the bulk of the argument is basically laid out there. And to Lance's credit, I agree that I probably stated that poorly. You know, oftentimes clarity is brevity's first victim. And I absolutely agree, after listening back to it, that I should have been a little more careful and taken a little more time to spell out the point that I was making.

Yes, even if an atheist shoots a bunch of people and then says it's because he was an atheist and they were religious, that still would not make atheism culpable for the murders in the way that religion is culpable for holy wars and shit like that. Yeah, you can't really blame McDonald's for a rabid Big Mac enthusiast going to Burger King and killing everyone with a Whopper. Right. But if there was a place called Our Lady of Perpetual Big Macs that taught morality using

a textbook with stories about ancient McDonald's warriors genociding the Whopper tribe. Yeah, it's slightly different. Yeah, completely different story. But I also think we need to recognize that the absence of doctrine wouldn't completely absolve us. You know, I mean, racism doesn't have a doctrine. You know, I mean, a lot of religious doctrines are racist, but you don't need to have this

book or that book as your supreme authority in order for you to be inspired to murder over your racist beliefs. So if the rhetoric we were using in the atheist movement was consistently convincing people to go out and kill religious people, we would definitely have to rethink our rhetoric. Now, it isn't, obviously. I mean, I want to make it clear that we're way out in theoretical land here, but I think we do need to recognize that any group of people that is defined by a shared value can devolve into violence with or without doctrine. Now, the idea that atheism is going to turn violent is probably about the same that bird watching is going to turn violent, so I don't think it's a problem we have to actually worry about, but I don't know that the we don't have a doctrine argument is exactly bulletproof. Yeah, fair enough, but if

there's a defining aspect of our doctrine, it's the fact that it's flexible and therefore not doctrine-like. Right, yeah, exactly. I mean, if two old Jewish dudes start spitting fireballs at me, my Dawkins scale number starts dropping right away. Yeah, exactly.

Or even ask them why they just tried to kill me with fireballs. I'm down to a six there. Oh, by the way, the trick is to time your run so that you can hop over the fireballs and slide under them when they jump. It's trickier when they're also throwing the hammers, but you'll get it. Couple of tries. We also got an email in response to last week's

30 seconds on the clock bit. You'll recall that we were trying to help jumpstart the secret gay cannibal restaurant industry with a few marketing concepts. Well, Wes took issue with that. He writes, quote, As a representative of the homosexual community, I slash we would

appreciate if you would stop informing the public of our cannibal restaurants. If word gets out to the general population, before you know it, a bunch of fucking hipsters with their stupid beards and odd-shaped glasses start showing up and our good time will be ruined. There'll be a homosexual cannibal restaurant

on every corner in Brooklyn. Ugh. We've already lost exclusive insider knowledge on the secret ingredient of Starbucks lattes. We can't take any more loss. Thank you, Wes." Okay, Wes, I get where you're coming from, but a bunch of unwelcome hipsters

at a cannibal restaurant isn't exactly a bad thing, if you catch my meaning. So at the next The Gaze meeting, maybe you bring Sweeney Todd in to modify the booth seating. Maybe you don't. Who knows? Who knows? I don't know.

Excuse me, sir. Sir, did you just say it sounds better on vinyl? Did you just use that phrase? Please follow me. Please follow me into the back. We've got some private seating back here for special guests. Yeah. Just lean way back. Lean the back. We've got some private seating back here for special guests. Yeah. Just lean way back.

Hair cutting a shave. Lean way back. An ironic shave. And finally, we've got an email from Devin who found himself in the comment situation of needing a list of Muslim sitcoms and not having one the other day. Devin writes in part, quote, I decided to look up ideas for Muslim sitcoms, finding out instead that my first idea, Little Mosque on the Prairie, was actually the name of a show in Canada.

I'm begging you, please help me. I need some ideas for these sitcoms so I can send them to ISIS for consideration. If you value the trolling of Muslims, you'll help me out on this one. End quote. Well, Devin, we certainly don't condone trolling Muslims. Now, that being said, we're obviously going to dance back. Obviously. And that brings us to this week's top ten Islamic fundamentalist sitcoms just for Devin.

All right. All right. Number 10, Men Beheading Badly. Number nine, It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia. Number eight, Mecca in the Middle. Number seven, The Ali Jihad Show. Number six, Twin Fawlty Tulty towers it's too soon oh okay number five imama's family number four a la law number three caliphate is enough and number two

eight simple rules for stoning my teenage daughter and at number one just sweet charles in charge see it's not racist anymore Because Heath made a joke about dead white people too I also want to point out Devin wrote me back with my personal favorite Married two children That was pretty good The prophet's a pedophile right

And that's all the feedback you get If you want more keep sending us those emails Tweets and Facebook messages You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. Before we export as MP3 tonight, I have congratulations to give out. Friend of the show Adam Reeks of the Herd Mentality Podcast became Mr. Adam Reeks this week. So on behalf of the whole Scathing Atheist team, I want to send out congratulations to both him and his lovely bride. May your marriage bring you nothing but joy, great sex, and unfair tax

benefits. I also want to let everybody know that we just moved past our most recent Patreon goal, which means that in the very near future, we're going to be upgrading our online presence. It means, among other things, that by this time next month, we're going to start uploading segments of the show to the site separately. So if you ever wanted to listen to just the babbles or just the skits or share just the diatribe, all of those options are going to be open to you in the very near future. And you have our wonderful Patreon donors to thank for all of that. I'll have more details in the coming weeks. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you today. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be sure to check us out on a new episode of Godawful Movies debuting Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. We're going to be breaking down a no-budget found-footage Christian horror movie about a porno magazine summoning a demon to a church lock-in. Should be fun. Obviously, I need to thank Heath for bringing only the finest and farcical phallic foibles. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for offering me comfort during the holy shit I just had to watch 100 minutes of a no-budget found-footage Christian horror movie about a porno magazine

summoning a demon to a church lock-in moments in my life. I also want to thank Mr. Angry Beard for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to check out his eclectic blog, you'll find a link to it on the show notes for this episode. But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's most bitchin' bipeds, Jacob, Jennifer, Michael, David, Daniel, Lass,

other Michael, Paul, Sam, and Satan. Jacob, Jennifer, and Michael, whose IQs have more digits than their phone numbers, David, Daniel, and Lass, other Michael, Paul, Sam, and Satan. Jacob, Jennifer, and Michael, whose IQs have more digits than their phone numbers. David, Daniel, and Lass, who are so hot even a 9-11 truther would have to admit they can melt steel. Other Michael, Paul, and Sam, whose dicks are so big CERN is considering changing it to the pretty good size Hadron Collider. And Satan, who already had my soul, but seems to be willing to pay a buck an episode for it anyway. Good dude, that Satan. Together, these ten attentive tenderhearts have helped keep our tenacious efforts to attenuate the tenuous tendrils Good dude, that Satan. You'll get early access to an extended version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help but you lack one of the requisite ations listed above, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five-star review on iTunes and or by sharing the show with a friend whose eternal soul is as damned as yours is. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. Scuss is not a word.

Scuss should be. That should be a shortened I would do it Yeah, scuss You know, the 20s ski was like a slang term for whiskey White people were way better at slang back then, damn it Do handshakes and everything