The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 142: Jimmy Christ Edition

Episode Date: November 5, 2015

In this week's episode, a Toledo mayoral candidate will show Donald Trump how being the crazy person in the debate works, Ray Comfort admits that he almost became part of the gay mile high club, and Lucinda joins us for the antepenultimate edition of the Holy Babble.

Warning, the following podcast contains references to potentially offensive subjects like old man balls, puppy rape, and rape comfort. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of individually bagged pre-transubstantiated communion wine for blood enthusiasts on the go. Bleeder of the Pack. Do you belong to a religion that involves a lot more vampire and cannibal stuff than you expected? Can't seem to provide your kids with a proper serving of corpse blood when they have soccer on Sunday mornings. Looking for a portable solution with a hole that's easier to

stab? Don't worry, we've got you covered. Bleeder of the pack. In the name of the Father, the Scathing Atheist. Fathers, fathers, fathers, fathers, fathers, fathers, fathers. He was a bacteria. It's Thursday. It's November 5th. And if you ever play golf with a penis-shaped putter, be ready for some terrible puns. It's worth it. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, a Toledo mayoral candidate will show Ben Carson how being the insane candidate is done.

Ray Comfort explains how he almost joined the gay Mile High Club, and Lucinda will join us for the anti-penultimate edition of The Holy Babble. But first, the diatribe. Why are we awesome? You and me, we've got it all figured out. You know what else? We're pretty damn good looking, too.

You know, we're smart, we're sexy, we're suave and stylish. You know, let's face it. We're just better than other people, aren't we? This is time to stop beating around the bush about this shit and just face the truth. We are probably the two best people ever, you and me. Now, you'll have to forgive me if that paragraph came off as a little bit clumsy, but I'm still getting used to the whole arrogant thing. I gotta be honest, up until recently, I was sure that I was a frightened, anxiety-ridden, timid geek racked with an inferiority complex that stemmed from the feeling that everybody in the world had an instruction book except for me,

but I was wrong. And if you felt that same way, you were wrong too, because I have it on good authority that atheists are arrogant, and that's why we don't believe in God. You know, I have to say, of all the bullshit accusations leveled against atheism, this one probably pisses me off the most. It's certainly not the most damning, so it shouldn't. I mean, that title probably goes to the bit about us not having morals or eating babies. And it's also not the most baseless, because, you know, atheists probably would score higher on any reasonable arrogance index

than our religious counterparts. And even if we didn't, when you're really committed to being wrong, anybody who's right is bound to come off as arrogant. So there are probably plenty of more worthy contenders among the common religious denunciations

of atheism in terms of earning my ire. But the arrogance one just does the trick. And fuck, you know what? I am arrogant. I guess it's just something about the dude who claims that billions of light years of universe were blinked into existence for their sake calling me arrogant you know the people who pretend that an omnipotent being could give the tiniest sliver of a shit about them the people who pretend that the universal laws of physics

are routinely violated so that they can find good parking the people who think that they have the special ability to talk directly to the creator of existence who listens to them calling me arrogant, that just sets me off. You know, it'd be one thing if this argument only came from the wishy-washy spiritualists that weren't claiming any special knowledge. You know, these people are just desperately clinging to ignorance,

so they'd be as likely to label a theist as arrogant as an atheist, right? If the only level of supernatural that you're willing to accept is some vague reference to the unknown, any effort to answer your spiritual question is going to be equally threatening. You know, the person who says God exists and doesn't want you to beat off, accept gays, befriend Muslims, or use his name in vain threatens your worldview as much as a person who says, no, there is no supernatural. So while the allegation of arrogance would be no less stupid,

at least it would be internally consistent. But a Christian, a Muslim, a Jew calling me arrogant? Are you fucking kidding me? So not only do you believe that an unevident supreme being exists, but you're giving it attributes. You're listing it turn-ons and turn-offs. You're speaking on its behalf, and then you have the gall to label the person who calls you out on it arrogant? Oh, I'm sorry, person for whom the universe has an ultimate plan that involves an eternal existence in paradise. Was my willingness to admit that I don't know where the universe comes from too conceited for you? Was my recognition that I'm the byproduct of blind beneficial

mutations without purpose or goal not humble enough? How about you tell me more about how the Lord of all things takes time to whisper in your ear about which laundry detergent you should choose? Tell me more about how only magical intervention could possibly explain the existence of something as impressive as you. Oh, and don't forget to tell me how you were made in his image, right? Tell me how similar you are to the single greatest thing imaginable. I'm sure that'll knock my ego down a few pegs. You know, nothing could be more arrogant than the foundational principles of the Abrahamic faith. They literally put themselves at the center of the universe. Literally. Their species just so happens to be the entire point of existence.

Not only that, but their religion within their species. You know, Christian God didn't make the universe so that the 3 times 10 to the negative 60th percent that he cares about can fill up with Muslims. Hell no, he made it for Christians. And not only that, but he specifically made it for Protestant Christians.

More specifically, Southern Baptists, but not the one from those liberal rock and roll churches, the ones from your kind of church. Yes, the entire universe was created just so that the fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the people that agree with you would have a place to live. All the other shit is just incidental byproducts of history's least efficient manufacturer. Hell, even their humility is arrogant. And I'm not just talking about the way they have to advertise how humble they are publicly. I mean, that's bad enough. But when you consider the source of that humility, it gets even worse, right? Because in order for religious people to say, I humble myself before they, they have to imagine a being that is perfect

in every fucking way. They have to create a being that is all powerful, all knowing, all loving, immortal, and perfectly moral before they can find something to temper their smug-ass worldview. Shit, I'm humbled by the night sky. I'm humbled by a mountain. I'm humbled by a thunderstorm. And I don't have to attribute it to something just like me, but bigger in order to get there. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight is the man, the myth, the legend, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to have a penis not exist and be admired by future generations? Actually, yeah, in that order. Perfect, yeah. Yeah, now that you mention it. In our lead story tonight, the Christian Holocaust has begun. Now, if you haven't't noticed that's because we're ramping up super slow we're just starting with high school football coaches who illegally led

students in prayer after repeatedly being told to stop and also it's subtle yeah well and also we're not so much killing them like holocausters are so often want to do but instead we're paying them to not work which is basically the similar yeah and also it's just the one guy but trust me or more specifically, trust that guy in a red hat vicariously threw me. Oh, good. That still counts as a holocaust. Good, he's got an opinion on this.

Perfect. So maybe they could start a little museum about it or something like that. Sure, yeah. Buckets full of two football spikes from one coach. Powerful image, you know.

Never forget. Right. Or else we can't exploit it later. Important to remember exactly yeah so josh fullerstein's latest effort to hide his girth behind the left and right thirds of the camera frame was apparently inspired by the ongoing story of bremerton high school assistant football coach joe kennedy who was recently put on paid leave after repeatedly breaking his promise to start obeying the law and stop leading his team in prayer that's right the dude violated state and

federal law was politely asked to stop, agreed to renege, and then did all of that shit over again twice. And then he was punished with a vacation. And the fact that he would have incurred a greater penalty if he'd been fucking cutting off mattress tags at midfield is, of course, being offered up by Christians as clear evidence of persecution.

I think it might be time for like a a reality show about this christian football genocide thing maybe safety blitzkrieg or hard knocks with joe kennedy oh oh is that horribly offensive to even suggest a comparison to the holocaust my mistake or no their mistake i guess yeah exactly exactly so according to forerstein this marks the second time the christian holocaust has begun in the last three months because apparently he forgot that he'd already declared it underway when Kim Davis was arrested for felonious being a horrible bitch in September. So in the two-minute video, which is apparently how long you can make it between Twinkie breaks, he laments how much worse the Christians in America have it than the gays

before encouraging his viewers to take a stand by calling the school repeatedly until they change the Constitution of the United States of America or decide to secede from the country entirely and start their own little nation where the laws or whatever the fuck fat guy in a red hat wishes they were. And in drop it like it's cold news tonight, it looks like winter may once again disprove global warming for a few months. It looks like winter may once again disprove global warming for a few months. I hate how it does that. But even during the summer, U.S. Senator, GOP presidential candidate, and vague facial combination of Batman villains Ted Cruz is quite certain that nearly every single scientist in the field of climatology is guilty of ignoring evidence and clinging to irrational dogma just like religion. Except not Christianity, because that's the right one. Just like those other wrong ones. I'm sorry, I'm still stuck midway through your paragraph there.

You've got some Joker in him, a lot of Penguin in there. Good amount of Dan DeVito. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, look, this is yet another case of the pot calling the kettle a pot. I mean, what are you saying? Are you saying religion is stupid and wrong? Because that would be uncharacteristically correct of you. I mean, I can get behind that even if you're wrapping it in the bullshit that you normally wrap things in, but that's not what you're saying. Exactly. So this latest nugget of stupid came during Cruz's interview with Glenn Beck last week, as you might have guessed, when the conversation

landed on a recent congressional hearing in which the senator asked the president of Sierra Club about the evidence for global warming. And spoiler alert, has a lot to do with thermometers. They were heavily involved. But apparently scientific measuring devices are just a bunch of liberal semantics and empty rhetoric to Cruz. And here's what he had to say on the subject of climate change deniers being ridiculed quote denier is not the language of science

but in the language of global warming alarmists denier is the language of religion it's heretic you are a blasphemer the sierra club president didn't know his facts because he just knew his religion, end quote, said the guy who wants a Christian theocracy in America. Well, right, right. But I mean, like, what's then what is the difference between Ted Cruz being wrong and the thing he's wrong about being a religion? It's not. Anyway, and in apocalypse service news tonight, the Texas Supreme Court is set to decide if the impending rapture is solid legal grounds for parents to stop educating their children. But when the previous ruling of you've got to be fucking kidding me was overruled by an appellate court, the case of Michael and Laura McIntyre v.

The Four Horsemen was eventually accepted by the state's highest court. But to be fair, I do think it's important that we set a legal standard for you know what is and what isn't a good reason for child abuse i mean otherwise how would we keep the good abusers active oh right adrian peterson on our roster these are important issues yeah no no i guess that yeah he's first round pick first round pick first overall pick yeah so the court heard arguments on the case on monday and is expected to rule soon but however they rule the nine children of this couple have already lost okay so apparently the parents originally removed their children from school in 2004 and you know and of course most of them are already done being children without resolution to the case in fact the courts didn't

actually get involved until the eldest daughter ran away from home at 17 so that she could attend high school okay well that's just bad parenting. I mean, obviously. I've seen Kirk Cameron's left behind. Kids get raptured for free. It's free. Even if they learn some of that devil math, it's free. I mean, the fact that these parents didn't murder their children before puberty is criminally negligent, I would say.

In their worldview, yes. Now, there actually is a sliver of justification for the parents in Texas jurisprudence. I mean, no surprise that the you can say it's okay for the amish so like the second part of that sentence doesn't matter and in who would jesus abort news tonight area man nick severson recently staged a one-man counter-protest against anti-choice demonstrators who were harassing patients and facility staffers outside of the Red River Women's Clinic in Fargo, North Dakota. And because this guy's hilarious, he disguised himself as Jesus Christ, he sang loud renditions of 99 bottles of beer on the wall, and carried a sign with an arrow pointing at the protesters that read, should have been aborted, which, of course, led to some projectile saliva from the peanut gallery.

Oh, really? For, as it is written, good Christians are supposed to spit on people when there's any sort of difference of opinion. Well, to be fair, I mean, Jesus said that every bit as much as he said abortion is bad. I got to say, this Ninja Jesus guy is awesome. that every bit as much as he said abortion is bad i gotta say this this ninja jesus guy is awesome i think he might be my second favorite guy named nick that dresses as jesus outside of abortion clinics to fuck with protesters and keep their attention off the clientele he's looking at you nick morgan more you're doing good work jesus choice keep it up so so despite all the biblical

teachings that are allegedly about not being a horrible person, one particular member of the slut shaming squad named Tyson Kuznia decided the proper course of action was spitting in Severson's face. To which Severson, a trained martial artist, as it turns out, responded with a very much justified physical engagement in the form of a Cobra Kai leg sweep, injuring the spitter's knee and breaking his glasses as he toppled to the ground. Well done, sir. Personally, I'd love to see the instigator put in a body bag as well, along with some terminated fetuses, but I guess that's why I'm not in charge of the laws.

That's one of the reasons, yes. I think the on-record references to puppy rape also factor in, I'm not sure. Well, maybe New York local something. But also, just to be clear, I want to be very certain everybody understood what I meant there. I don't mean that I think the spitter should be killed and put in a body bag. No, no. I mean, he should be punished by being stuffed, kicking and screaming and alive into a large bag of aborted fetuses.

Why would you not eat his way out or whatever? Oh, and by the way, also, to be clear on this, we're not endorsing violence here. Basically, everywhere in the world would call getting spit in the face assault like legally. So this is self-defense. This is absolutely factors as self-defense legally and in common sense as well. And in may or may not news tonight, the city of Toledo, Ohio, is bracing for God's holy wrath after failing to elect

perpetual mayoral candidate and genuine insane person, Opal Covey, for the fifth consecutive time on Tuesday. Opal Covey? She is fucking awesome. She could be like the next,

like, Pastor Manning. So Covey has previously warned that God would, quote, come and visit in the city in the greatest destruction you've ever seen. And, quote, if she failed to win the seat once again. Yeah. And I'm not sure that Toledo, Ohio stacks up very high on the list of heathenous dens of iniquity that God would be focusing on.

I mean, you wouldn't think it's a swing state. But still, I mean, I'm quite proud of the fact that New York gets brimstoned first if shit goes down. No question. Yeah, clearly. Obviously. Now, as near as we can tell, Opal's political career began when she was cursed by a gypsy to slowly morph into a melted troll doll and continues because being really religious and being a batshit lunatic are often indistinguishable. Very tricky.

This woman's past hits include speaking in tongues in the middle of an interview on TV, claiming Satan cheated her out of her 2013 election, and spending time in jail for neglecting hundreds of animals that were in her care, which is apparently enough to earn her a spot on the main stage at the Toledo mayoral debates. And in Please Dear news tonight, the Australian billboard service APN Outdoor seems to be unaware that the high court has roundly rejected prior restraint. The highest judicial body in the land has also firmly upheld the right to free speech in political communication, and that's why the free thought

group called Think Inc. may need to file a lawsuit against APN Outdoor for refusing to display their billboards publicizing an upcoming event. And not that it's relevant to the argument, but the group is planning a lecture and Q&A with CEO of Project Reason and guy who leads Noam Chomsky around by a leash ever since that debate spang, Sam Harris. One of my favorite, favorite people. Yeah, I'm all pro Sam Harris and all, but those damn Australians need to stop copying off of us.

This is getting ridiculous. We genocided an indigenous population, so they had to do it. We inhumanely turn away brown people at our border, so they had to do it. We create a weird mutant form of rugby that nobody else in the world gives a fuck about. They had to do it.

I mean, back off, dudes. Rejecting atheist billboards despite legal protection for political messages is the last straw. Find your own fucking thing. The Bloomin' Onion was great. We didn't have one of those. That's awesome. Fine, but you can't just rest on your laurels forever.

So, just to give everyone an idea of what we're talking about here, this is the text from a couple of the billboards that Think Inc. wants to put up. These are taken from Sam Harris books, by the way. One of them says, quote, As an atheist, I am angry that we live in a society in which the plain truth cannot be spoken without offending 90% of the population. End quote.

Another one says, quote, Apropos. Jesus Christ, who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens, can now be eaten in the form of a cracker, end quote. Hateful stuff like that. I mean, that one, the last one's great. I love it. But the first one might as well be like, I'm angry that I'm not allowed to say this on a billboard.

I mean, what the fuck? There's a way to prove his point. Right. So according to APN, the proposed billboards would be in violation of the Outdoor Media Association's Code of Ethics, which includes a rule against any material that vilifies or discriminates against any group of people based on factors such as race, gender, sexual preference and religion, among others. Very reasonable. But according to Think Inc., that's fucking absurd to apply this to them because none of the posters are even remotely bigoted. Right. Except perhaps toward unreasonable stupid people. And the rules said nothing about, you know, difficulty with basic logic or low IQ.

You're allowed to use those as factors. Nonetheless, APN is quite certain they're properly invoking their right to the religious freedom of speech suppression and no that doesn't exist but they're invoking it oh okay and in exorcism news tonight the catholic archdiocese of st louis issued a public statement last week warning that a cable channel is at high risk for satanic attack after airing a live exorcism destination america which is apparently a television network ultimately elected to air the exorcism. Destination America, which is apparently a television network, ultimately elected to air the exorcism despite the known increased risk of being ass raped by demons. The network did at least achieve a minimal level of social responsibility in that they exercised a house

rather than a person, which is clearly no less stupid, but significantly less dangerous to believe in, except, of course, in terms of demonic ass rape, in which case they are both equally risky endeavors. Yeah, and that's just irresponsible journalism. I mean, at the very least, they should be like blurring out the demon faces or maybe giving them a really deep voice in post. Yeah, exactly. A different really deep voice, I guess.

Right, yeah. For public safety. Well, and to protect the identities of the innocent demons, obviously. Now, fearing that their demon removal services might lose business if enough people see absolutely nothing happen in response to exorcism, the Archdiocese released a statement that read in part, quote, We cannot play games with Satan and expect to win, end quote. Yet another one of those sentences that starts correct, you know, and then they throw those last four words in there.

But I want to be clear about this, okay? If you get the first move, you can beat him at connect four it is a solved game i don't care how good he is at it anyway they went on to explain that the solemn right of exorcism is not intended for entertainment it's intended for torturing mentally ill people and they'd like us all to know that everyone needs to be wary of cheap knockoffs exactly imitation exorcisms may achieve exactly the same nothing, but they're violating imaginary IP rights, and that's important. That's important.

Unfortunately, I guess for both the St. Louis Archdiocese and people who are watching Destination America on Halloween, the network ignored the warning. So take a lesson from this Catholic Archdiocese of St. Louis. If you want to scare somebody into bending to your will, you have to threaten them with something realistic. Next time, tell them you'll fuck their kids if they air an exorcism. That they will believe.

And I guess now that we've gotten our requisite Catholic priest butt-raping children reference out of the way, I guess we can hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate rape. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey!

I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. One of the things I love about doing this segment every week is that it's always a learning experience. I mean, just because I'm constantly sifting through the babbling fucktartary of a bunch of sexist nut wrinkles doesn't mean I can't fish out the occasional nugget of trivia. So this week, I'd like to share a few interesting facts that I learned. The first one is something I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know before. You'd think that the person who shows up once a week to talk about women's issues would at least know the definition of the word woman.

But apparently, I didn't. It turns out that it's all in the lipstick. I picked up that kernel of wisdom from Mormon apostle Emma Russell Ballard, who posted a recent video offering some advice to all the single ladies out there. Quote, don't wander around looking like men. Put on a little lipstick now and then and look a little charming. It's that simple. End quote. So ladies, if you're having trouble seducing 70-year-old Mormons that look like they've been genetically crossbred with a sharp A, we might just have nailed the problem. Put on more lipstick.

I also learned how to make lesbians this week. And I have to admit, I totally would have fucked this one up on a test or something. I'd have said procreate a bunch of times, wait until they're sexually active, and see which gender they prefer fucking. And apparently that's wrong. Hell, my answer didn't even mention soccer. But apparently that's the key to becoming a lesbian, according to Colorado pastor Kevin Swanson, who you may recall from his repeated calls to murder all the gay people.

Or maybe you know him as the guy that Ted Cruz, Bobby Jindal, and Mike Huckabee are intentionally sharing a stage with this month. Now, if you know Swanson at all, you probably know he's damn good at ferreting out those lesbian recruitment operatives at the Girl Scouts and in Disney cartoons. But it turns out that he recently uncovered yet another dyke factory, women's soccer. After lamenting the fact that the U.S. women's team victory in Canada was celebrated by, quote, one of the lesbian players doing her lesbian thing with her lesbian whatever, end quote. He went on to explain that, quote, the best way in which

homosexuals reproduce is by way of the public schools, and so there will be a full court press towards bringing these lesbians into the coaching, into the schools, into the classrooms, end quote. So yeah, lesbians in the classroom are trying to recruit your daughters into a life with almost no risk of sexually transmitted diseases or abusive relationships, and nobody can stop them but Kevin Swanson and Jesus. Good luck, asshole. And finally, I'd like to finish up with a quick quiz for you. What do abortion, cervical cancer screenings, and bestiality lessons all have in common? If you answered, they're all services provided by Planned Parenthood, congratulations, you might just be anti-abortionist activist fucking idiot Carol Everett.

In a recent interview with Fox News host and former Sean Hannity's bitch, Alan Combs, Everett explained that, quote, if you look on Planned Parenthood's website, it's very interesting to see how they're encouraging children, young people, to experiment with all sorts of actually bestiality even, end quote. When Combs pressed her for a specific quote, example, or website, she cited her source, which was, it would seem, the interwebs. And as much as I doubt her, I have to admit, I checked the internet, and there is bestiality there.

So I guess she's right. So with the warm glow of accomplishment that motivates teachers, I'll leave you for the night. I'd stick around longer, but I need to go put on some lipstick, avoid a soccer game, and fuck a mule. Turns out you gotta earn those ovaries, ladies. So while I'm off taking care of all of that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in God's Not Dead 2, the home game news tonight, a 7th grader in Katy, Texas is full of shit. But she's a Christian, so the media is presenting her story anyway. So according to demonstrably false claims by one Jordan Woolley, a recent junior high assignment forced her to question her faith, which is true only in the sense that all verifiable facts force a Christian to question their faith. Despite the blatant bullshittery of the original claim, conservative headlines have upped the ante of hyperbole and reported that her teacher actually taught her that God isn't real. Yeah, I couldn't tell exactly what happened from the news reports.

I couldn't tell exactly what happened from the news reports. It sounded like her choices were either A, fuck Jesus in the eye socket, or B, fail out of school and go to prison. Am I understanding this correctly? It's a weird assignment. Well, you're understanding it correctly that that's what it sounded like in the media reports, yes. But that's probably because so few of these reports bother to include the details of the actual fucking assignment. So, okay, for the record, here's where all the controversy began. The test asked students to differentiate

between fact, opinion, and common assertion. So other examples included, you know, the fastest land-dwelling animal is the cheetah. Fact. The ugliest sea creature is the manatee. Opinion. Probably fact, though. And the United States is the freest country on the Earth.

Assertion, right? So the distinction being, of course, that the latter statement is either true or untrue, but its merit can be debated. Also included on the test was the sentence, God is real, which the teacher correctly identified as an assertion and the student incorrectly identified as a fact. So, yes, at this point, Christians are literally getting angry about the definition of the word fact. Yeah. Christians are literally getting angry about the definition of the word fact. Yeah. Now, I wonder how the news would cover this if the God is real question was switched out for something like, you know, uppity slaves should be knocked out for at most 48 hours at a time. The number is debatable, but the right answer certainly exists.

So, you know, right. Wow. So testifying before the Katy Independent School District Board, Woolley lied, quote, Today I was given an assignment in school that questioned my faith and told me God was not real, end quote. She went on to cite what she thought was evidence for God, like the Bible and trees, further demonstrating how important it is for her teachers

to try to explain the difference between fact and assertion. Now, unfortunately, the teacher was given this assignment to 12-year-olds instead of the asshats at Fox News, who are happy to credulously report the imagined slights of a preteen despite conclusive evidence to the contrary, as is their stated policy. Sounds about right for Fox News. And from the Patty Melts file tonight, host of the 700 Club and guy who looks like joe biden leftovers got reheated in the microwave pat robertson was once again reanimated for a recent broadcast of his dead man squawking segment during which he addressed the legal ramifications of the

obergefell versus hodges supreme court decision from earlier this year that struck down any law banning same-sex marriage and according to the p P-Robes, that shit doesn't count, except for the one gay couple who won their case. He thinks the Supreme Court of the United States made a ruling that applies to exactly two gay people, and that's it. Right, yeah, that's how the Supreme Court works. President is just a lispy guy trying to pronounce the title of the commander-in-chief. That's all. Right. Yeah. That's how the Supreme Court works. Precedent is just a lispy guy trying to pronounce the title of the commander in chief. That's all it is.

Not a legal thing at all. Here's the exact words from Robertson. Quote, the Obergefell decision doesn't mean that I've got to get married to homosexuals. Correct. It doesn't mean that you have to. Also correct. Nor does it mean that it's the law of the land. He was doing so well.

He was so close. Continuing, Congress didn't pass any law. Your state legislature didn't pass a law. Now they would like to make it bigger than that. But in terms of the Constitution, it isn't. End quote. It's a strong start. I love the idea that he had to clarify that nobody is required to get gay married

i'm just i'm trying to picture like some straight dude blowing his husband on the couch when that segment air is going away oh you're fucking kidding me what exactly now you tell me so many problems here first of all supreme court decisions are very much exactly part of constitutional law oh yeah otherwise uh the 13th amendment only freed that one slave which would be pretty sure that's not how it works and congress didn't pass any law because we don't make laws that say you're allowed to do this now because right that would be stupid and impossible to have an exhaustive list of legal stuff laws and rules against doing things but most importantly what the fuck does he think is happening does does he think gay people are walking up to christians like

waving a copy of the majority opinion police officer and a judge next them performing non-consensual weddings with heterosexuals against their will. I mean, I'd love to see that, but... I bet we could talk Eli into doing that. We'll see what we can do. And in Ken Hamilama ding-dong news tonight, full-time creationist minister and part-time Bill Nye's bitch Ken Ham

took to the airwaves last week to warn the Supreme Court's recent ruling on gay marriage might well be the end of clothing as we know it. In an argument that sounds suspiciously like it started as an explanation for why he had his dick out in the middle of the grocery store, Ham asserted that without the biblical morals laid down in the Adam and Eve story, we have no excuse to wear clothing at all. And no, by the way, there are no weigh stations along the way.

There are no points between A and Z here. The entirety of his argument seemed to be the Bible has clothes in it so without the bible we would all be naked that's it so by the same token all the jewish people are the bible's fault without the bible we wouldn't have needed all that genocide stuff it's a solid argument i mean that's probably his first few drafts of this idea until someone suggested clothing might get a few more people on board last second so this revelation apparently came when amish wolverine stopped bobbing for french fries long enough to do a radio interview wherein he lamented the lack of biblical literalism in today's youth because he's got the pockmarks it looks like he was trying to eat french fries with

it in the fryer anyway he started strong when he pointed out that if adam and eve aren't historical figures there's no morally justifiable opposition to gay marriage which he and i can definitely agree on but then he added that the origin of clothing was also in genesis which means apparently that quote if you abandon genesis's literal history of marriage and say marriage can be two men or two women or whatever you want, well, why not abandon clothing? End quote. And it strikes me as odd because I'd assume that anyone who had seen Ken Ham's dick would have a ready answer to that one. Well, I got to be honest with you. It's actually quite attractive. It's shiny. It's shiny.

I mean, the adamantium is actually part of the reason for using the Amish Wolverine pet name. It's not just the face. Gotcha. No, I think it's probably worth noting that according to his book, clothing was the devil's ideas, not God's, you know, so Ken Ham is doing the work of Satan. That's number one. But secondly, if a literal belief in the book of Genesis is what it takes to keep Ken Ham's old man balls out of sight, I'm at least a little more forgiving of it now. You know, I'm okay with him being a creationist now. And finally tonight, from the Gayviation File, homophobic movie producer and noted banana interpretation creationist Ray Comfort appeared on Jerry Newcomb's radio show

last week to discuss the motivation behind his colossal cinematic failure from earlier this year called Audacity. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's a modern day reboot of the anti-homosexual propaganda franchise started by Joseph Goebbels. Specifically, it tells the story of a Christian hack comedian, think a young Bill Engvall, who struggles with the proper response to watching lesbians about to get murdered by God in an elevator. And while this may sound fascinating, if you're planning to give it a watch, just be aware that it's not quite as entertaining as your typical 55-minute blockbuster feature. Just be ready for that letdown. Or your typical 55-minute series of punches in the nuts. So during the radio interview,

Newcomb used slightly different words to ask the very reasonable question. Why the fuck would you make that movie? And here's the answer from Mr. Banana grabber quote. I was flying from Germany to London and sat next to a middle-aged gentleman i said how are you doing he says good i says you got a family he says i have a husband it was like oh where do i go from here and it was awkward end quote so that's the extent of it he made the movie as guidance for christian bigots regarding that really awkward moment that's really tough for them when they're not sure just how much unsolicited airplane preaching they should be doing with the hellbound sodomites in their right.

Yeah. You know, that that age old question. Well, OK, look, I'll answer it for you. Gay straight or bi, nobody next to you on a plane wants to fucking talk to you. And not just because you're Ray Comfort. In fact, given Banana Man's revelation here, I'm just going to start listing off things people are prejudiced against when they try to talk me onto the plane. How are you? And I'm like, I'm a gay, black, immigrant, abortionist, Mexican, atheist, Muslim, Nazi with AIDS.

And you? I'm going to shut the fuck up now so I can listen to my podcast? It's like getting out of jury duty. So it looks like Mr. Comfort may have accidentally stumbled across a new service that isn't being provided to bigoted air travelers. And honestly, I'm surprised this doesn't exist already so that, you know, like Orthodox Jewish men don't get sullied by menstrual blood spraying wildly from the woman in the next seat. Is that what happened?

I'm thinking maybe it's time for some separate but equal airlines for dirty people like women, homosexuals, and other such heretics. And of course, the Christian-only counterpart to that. Which of course means we'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the newly emergent segregated airline business. Go. Okay, but just first of all all i wanted to mention that if anybody has videos of women spraying uh menstrual blood all over orthodox jews in an airplane i'd

beat off to that i'm just i run a server oh right all right so you know i was thinking like for the u.s civil war buffs i could go with jet gray but they didn't have airplanes back then they just they would just use a bigot frigate at that point. What about Asperger's and Atlantic? Oh, nice. No sodomites. Mississippi Delta? No.

I was thinking actually something like Infidelta Airlines. Oh, there you go. Flying glan by on Big Gay LL. Gay, Jewish. You got everything in there. How about Qantas and them? Airway KK. Kind of like Klan Am, right? Yeah, Jewish. Yeah, you got everything in there. How about Qantas and them? Airway KK. Kind of like Klan Am, right? Yeah, exactly.

All right, what about there once were two men from Nantucket Airlines? Think about it. Or maybe Xenophobo Global? Maybe Benny and the Jets Blue? Oh, nice, nice. Six inches extra third leg room. Important feature.

All right, how about Hitler? Nazi everyday airline. No, no, wait, wait. Their slogan should be, Luftwaffe, we go. That's about right, yeah. All right, I got one more. How about Brown Eyes Wide Shuttle?

Charter flights pulling out daily. Oh, wow. And on that lovely image, I guess we'll close out headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Zelda. And when we come back... Ocarina of Time.

We'll crack open our Bibles once again and accidentally read some of the stuff while we're doodling dicks in the March. Jesus, honey, have a seat. Sure, Ma. You really should do something about that hair, sweetie. Good to see you too, Ma. Seriously, honey, you look kind of faggy.

Mom, the long hair is kind of my thing. I've been doing this for thousands of years. I would have figured you'd get used to it by now. I know, but I think maybe that's why you haven't found a nice girl to settle down with. Maybe they just think you're gay, honey. Come on, Mom, not this again. Look, I appreciate that you're waiting for the right girl. That's a good thing. I'm celibate, Mom. Well, yeah, honey, that's what all the guys who aren't getting any say. But you're a handsome boy, and you're the king of the universe. You should really have a girlfriend by now. I'm not...

There's not... I don't want to have a... It's embarrassing, sweetheart. I'm just going to say it. I'm going to come out and say it. Have you seen all the pussy Muhammad is getting these days? That dude fucks nine-year-olds, Ma. I know, but all the other prophets are making fun of you.

Moses has a couple of wives. Joseph Smith has a couple of dozen. Elijah and Elisha have each other. I'm celibate, Mom. I'm purposely not having sex. Are you aware of this? I know, honey, and that's just weird. It is not.

It's moral. No, it really isn't, honey. It's just weird. Is not. Is it that you No, it really isn't, honey. It's just weird. Is not. Is it that you don't know how the sex works? Mom! I'm serious, Jesus. I mean, we never had to talk, you and I. I'm 2,000 years old, and I can see through walls and ceilings.

I mean, I'm seeing my fair share. Uh-huh. And do you ever touch yourself when you're looking? Mom, I don't want to talk about this. I don't mean full-on masturbating here. I just mean, you know, maybe rubbing it a little through your robe or something. This is, I don't want to do this. Because that's okay, you know, it's natural.

It's natural. I really, really don't want to have this conversation, Ma. Is it that you like the fellas more? Is that it? No. We're going to go with no, but that is not the point. Have you considered spirit raping

a naive teenage virgin, perhaps? Because, you know, that's how your dad and I met. I know, but again, I'm celibate, Ma. Is it that your penis doesn't work? Do you have trouble with erections, son?

Because, you know, they have pills for that now. Hey, I don't, you know, I don't need i'm known for rising a second time if you catch my drift so it's definitely it's not that it's it's you know it's it's other stuff what about those dugga girls they're cute they're fertile and you know they love you yeah their brother has dibs on them i mean it's well what about that girl that works at the circle k no she's not's not. She doesn't have a...

She's a nice girl, Jesus, and she has lovely balsams. Mom? What? It's a sign of fertility. Yeah, look, I've really got to run. Me and the apostles are getting together for a sweaty game of volleyball on the beach in an hour. I was just swinging by to get my Speedo anyway. I really... Okay, well, if you need any kind of lingus advice or anything, I'm always here for you.

Gross. I know it's kind of weird, but remember, you are your father. So technically, we've been intimate before. Please never bring that up again. And let me tell you, your father was terrible at going down. It's an important skill, son. You should really... This conversation is now less enjoyable than the crucifixion, Ma.

Okay, well, I guess I'll let you go then. Have heterosexual fun with your sweaty, mostly naked male friends now. Will do. At this point, I think it's fair to say that the Bible is just trying to bore us into stopping before we get to Revelation. The New Testament hasn't really offered any new information since 1 Corinthians, and yet we just keep getting letter after letter after letter. But damn it, we're going to plow through this in an effort to minimize Christian Testament envy undeterred, and we're going to find every dick joke

it has to offer along the way. By the way, do Jews get foreskin envy? Is that a thing? I wonder. I know I wouldn't mind getting my whole penis back. I feel like I could have put that bit to good use. Possibly. Put my weed in there or something.

A few skittles. Something. It's a tasty treat. and of course we we can't start babbling until we bring in the lovely indefatigable lucinda illusions lucinda welcome back look these books are all the same i don't know why you can't just clip the shit i said about the last nine books or so and then use that again if i can't do it you can't do it damn it misery loves company maybe so we're gonna knock out three more books this week starting with the book of james if we must so the first and most obvious question is who the fuck is james right which is something the book doesn't even bother to tell you no apparently he's like cher rosanne

well it's classically attributed to Jesus's brother, James, but apparently even back in the fourth century, learned people weren't buying this shit since it was clearly written way after that dude would have been dead. So it's just some dude named James. That's it. It's Jimmy Christ. You guys don't remember Jimmy Christ?

He's the guy who can vouch for all the stuff we said so far. Right, yeah. Hated Jews. Jimmy Christ. Jimmy Bag of Bibles. Really? I believe you we said so far. Right, yeah. Hated Jews. Jimmy Christ. Jimmy Bag of Bibles. Really? I believe you guys don't remember. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Everything we said is true. Go ahead and read it. James. Yeah, exactly. According to Jimmy Christ. And it's not hard to see why the ruling class love this motherfucker, too. Right. The book basically starts off with, hey, when life's shitting on you, that's just God loving

you more than the people he's not shitting on. Right, yes. And whatever you do, don't fuck with those rich people. Those poor, poor rich people. A lot of that. But if you're rich, don't worry. Granted, that's like the worst thing you can be. However, we offer money removal services for the low price of almost all your money.

And it's absolutely free of charge. Yes, yes. It's even tax deductible. It also tells us not to give in to temptation, which is by itself the dumbest fucking advice, right? I mean, you have to say what's... Anyway. Yeah, and then this legendary book of morals

once more reminds us that wickedness and badness should be avoided. Yes. So that's a ban on both, you say? Yes, wickedness and badness should be avoided. Yes. So that's a ban on both, you say. Yes, wickedness and badness. Might need to retool my plan there. I do the wicked thing, but, you know, along with the goodness thing, and I'd be fine. So that's useful information.

Yeah. It's both that are bad. By biblical standards, yes, it is. And then we get our first directly contradicting the rest of the book bit. It won't be the last, in which James says that it's all about deeds and believing that God exists is insufficient, which perversely Protestants hate. It does say taking care of orphans is good. There is at least some good in this one. Which is why Protestants hate it.

good in this one well which is why protestants hate it yeah so so chapter one was basically a really bad amway salesman explaining how it's definitely not a pyramid scheme it's not it's not you know pretty much all of you are extremely poor and constantly suffering that means it's working one check and you know how all the things we tell you to have faith in, how they never happen, how testing your faith always fails? That's how you build perseverance, which is very important because, again, it's going to keep failing over and over. And here's your bill. See you next week.

And then he kind of tries to make another good point, but it's one of those things that really just shows how awful he is. He says, if a rich man and a poor man walk in, you're inclined to give one of them a nice seat and make the other one sit on the floor. Like, no, I'm not. You're just being a dick. It's like he's saying most of us want to spit on Mexicans, so those of us who resist that temptation deserve praise.

More or less. Yeah, exactly. This is also where we get one of the favorite passages for those little, here's a tip, get saved pamphlets that horrible assholes leave on the table at restaurants instead of 20%. They do. We're told that anyone who follows all of God's laws but then stumbles on one little thing, is guilty of breaking all the laws. Exactly. Yeah.

So weird jail situation. Hey, what are you in for? Serial rape and homicide. You? Failure to display proper shirt fringes. But also homicide by extension. Right. So they get you.

Right. but also homicide by extension. Right. So they get you. Right. And then it basically admits that religion is useless, which I like. It says, hey, if your sister is naked and hungry and you gave them faith,

they'd still be naked and hungry, wouldn't they? And just when you were about to get on board with the thrust of his argument, he says, hey, if I'm wrong, then Abraham listening to the voices in his head and almost stabbing his son was also wrong. Right. Check me.

It also repeats several times that all the good stuff is God, but the bad stuff is you. We get a lot of that in this one, more than in any other book, I think. Yeah. Also, if God doesn't answer your prayers, it's because you fucked up on your end. You prayed wrong. Exactly. And then in chapter four, you get the quintessential example

of James's own shitty morality coming through. He's trying to make a point about conflict and how it all stems from envy, and his actual words are, quote, you want something and do not have it, so you commit murder, end quote. Who? Right!

Anyone who thinks like this, who could formulate that sentence in their mind, should never teach anyone else morals. No. Also, if you're a friend of the world, you're an enemy of God. So in James 4.4, or as I call it, the Limbaugh verse. Right, exactly. Stupid. And then we get some great biblical pedantry. James says, don't say, I'm sorry, Jimmy Christ says, don't say, I'm gonna

go to such and such a town, because for all you know, God's gonna kill you between now and then. So instead, you should say, assuming God doesn't kill me, or break my legs or anything between now and then, I'm gonna go to such and such a town. Ridiculous. Assuming God

doesn't massacre that town with fire and brimstone, or locusts, or disease, and assuming God doesn't massacre that town with fire and brimstone or locusts or disease. And assuming he doesn't genocide humanity with another flood. Right. And assuming he doesn't reverse the direction of the time dimension, you know, and assuming traffic on the bridge is reasonable. Then we're going to go to that town. You've got to be specific, damn it. Yeah.

And then we reiterate what I see as the main theme of this book. Don't bother hating on rich people because being rich is bad enough all by itself yes and i'm sure plenty of american christians don't want to hear this but jesus very clearly supports a very large estate tax right yes go ahead and call it a death tax if you're stupid and don't understand that dead people can't be taxed but but realize you're arguing against the new testament right at least accept that yes exactly and uh yeah if everybody's getting a little impatient about that whole messiah second coming thing don't forget to be patient like a farmer waiting for his crops to grow exactly yeah except actually way more patient because crops have grown before.

Happy to sit with a farmer who starves while watching his crops grow. So, yeah, a lot of words, no real takeaway from this one. No. And then we're on to the two Peters, which would have been better if it had been gay guys sword fighting like the name suggests. But no, it's more stupid fucking letters. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the idea that this is written by Peter is hilarious, by the way, especially if you believe the book of Acts,

which says that he was illiterate. As Steve Wells points out in the Skeptics Annotated Bible, illiterate Aramaic-speaking first century Palestinian Jews don't generally write letters in Greek. Right. Typically, like on an average day for them. It's fairly rare. Yeah.

Yeah. And what a headache this one was. Right. As near as I can tell, the only message being relayed in chapter one was Jesus is definitely Jesus and believing in Jesus is awesome. That's all I got. That's it. Yeah. And by awesome, he means I realize everyone I'm writing to is being persecuted horribly right now,

but that's great because it's good practice for when Christians get forced to do things like stamp marriage licenses for gay people in the future. Persecution only gets worse, people. Get ready. It's going to be rough. And then there's this abusive boyfriend bit where he talks about how nobody likes you other than God. Right.

Sure, everyone else thinks you're a miserable piece of shit, but God thinks you're a living rock. Oh, what the fuck was that all about? I have no clue. But you're a living rock and God's going to build a house out of you. That's what it says. Weird. It also advises the reader to do everything anyone ever tells them to do no matter what.

Otherwise, you're going to make God look bad. Maybe Kim Davis should read the Bible. It's just a thought. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. A lot of fun. I love this. Yeah, and that sentiment actually gets worse and worse as we go, by the way.

Well, right. Case in point, this infamous selection from chapter 2, verse 18. Slaves, accept the authority of your masters with all deference, not to those who are kind and gentle but also to those who are harsh. Yeah. If Christians make bad slaves then what was the whole point. Well time will look like idiots. Right. Reflects badly.

Well but the thing is we hear a lot about that particular verse but I've never heard anyone mention the verse that comes two verses later where the author clearly suggests that beating a slave who has done wrong is a good thing in the new testament because he says well if you suffer when your master beats you for doing something wrong well god doesn't give you any bonus points for that because clearly you deserved it but when you get beaten for doing nothing at all that's when god's really doling out the XP. So, yeah, keep this in mind if a bunch of abolitionists try to fuck with the system one day and take away your virtuous, unjustified beating. Right. Important.

Yeah, exactly. And of course, if we're already talking about slaves, we're practically talking about women anyway. So we might as well use this as a segue. Yeah. After all, it's been a whole book since we were reminded that women should shut up and do what their husbands tell them, yeah. Right, yeah. Silent rape

victims are the perfect way to win over husbands that don't believe the word of God. Yes. If you don't get consensually raped by them, they'll never learn. It's a good book. Fun read. If you say so. But to be fair, it also reminds husbands not to completely ignore their wives when making decisions.

After all, without them, how are you going to get sons? Of course. Right? It actually says that. Oh, very clearly. It does. You're supposed to be considerate of your wife as the, quote, weaker partner because otherwise it fucks up your prayers to not have useless daughters cluttering up your cycle of man-spawners. Exactly.

Yeah, and there's this repeated motif of Jesus suffered, so now you have to suffer so you can be like Jesus. But a lot of the time it comes across more like if God's willing to torture his planeless son, just think about the shit he's got in store for you. Right. I thought this was interesting, though. If you've ever wondered what happened

to all the people who died before Jesus, turns out that they read the Gospels to dead people, too. Yes. Apparently. They did that. We also get a really weird memo to the Christians here. Basically, it says, you guys are going to look like idiots refusing to enjoy all those sweet-ass drunken orgies the pagans are having.

That's it. Yeah. You're all going to look like idiots pagans are having. That's it. Yeah. I have no problem with that. You're all going to look like idiots. That is all. That's it. End of message. Yeah.

Full stop. But apparently that wasn't enough because there's a sequel. Yes. Next. Yes, and not only is 2 Peter not written by Peter, it's also not written by the dude who wrote 1 Peter. In fact, according to most biblical scholars, this one is actually the last book in the Bible to be written.

Yeah. This entire book, and if we're being honest this entire testament reads like a patch job might as well be called testament to juice backling yeah so as near as i can tell the main argument being offered here is none of this shit is metaphorical you know clearly there was a schism in the early church where some people were saying, well, all this Jesus stuff is a nice story, but we're going to look stupid if we act like it's true. And then so somebody took up a pen and wrote, those motherfuckers are wrong,

in giant letters and signed Peter at the bottom. And that's what we're reading now. And this was their chance to make themselves so much less wrong with a quick little disclaimer about how certain parts are allegory. Right. Yeah. No.

Exact opposite. Double down. Dealers showing an ace don't care. Yeah. And it might be the most blatant I'm really me speech that we get in the whole Bible. So far, yeah. In chapter one, it says, I'm going to tell you this thing, which of course you already know, and I know you know, but I feel feel like telling you again just so that we can all

sit around and say boy do we all know the shit out of this and of course the thing in question is that Jesus was definitely real and none of this is a myth yes you know how Peter died I died several decades before I wrote

this oh you do know that well your calendars were probably broken unplug the router for 10 seconds I died several decades before I wrote this. Oh, you do know that? Yeah. Damn it. Well, your calendars were probably broken. What you got to do, unplug the router for 10 seconds and then restart. You're all good. Yeah.

You're fine. It's called tech support. By the way, if it said that anywhere in the New Testament, I would be a Christian. And then in chapter two, we get a bunch of like the, none of this stuff that I'm talking about right now has happened yet, but around, I don't know, like 90 years from after I die, it's all going to happen. But a bunch of people who are really, really wrong are going to show up and start saying wrong stuff, and other wrong people will agree with them, and they're all a bunch of fucks.

And then it reminds us what an evil fucker God is. He gives us all his worst acts of the Old Testament, his full-throated endorsement. Once again, yes. He even mentions how God saved that guy a lot because sacrificing your daughter to the angry mob of angel rapists was the right thing to do. What?

That's Jewish stuff. It just seems like they could have used this opportunity to distance themselves from that one at least. At least, yeah. Maybe ignore that example entirely. I feel like fake Peter's editing team must have got shot down on that one. Maybe we skip the righteous rape mob enabler being a good person.

We're going with rape mob. Moving on. Rape mob. Sticking with it. But it also brings up the talking donkey. Yes. And it does so in a sort of, well, if you think I'm lying, you probably also don't think a donkey talked, you idiot. Yeah, right.

It's ridiculous. How could I be wrong and a donkey also talk, huh? And then he addresses the whole, boy, does there not seem to have been an apocalypse issue by pointing out that someday in the future people will notice that there hasn't been an apocalypse yet. 90 years from now after I die and everything. But there will be one and then they're all going to be fucked and then what do you do now?

Right? He also implores his followers to do everything they can to hasten the end of the world because it's going to be so fucking awesome. Yeah, exactly. And there we have

the birth of pre-Islam. Very exciting stuff. Exactly. And that's going to do it for Peter. So I think the important lesson to take away from this one is that Bronze Age Jews pissed away a lot of ink and paper.

A tradition that they continue to this day, as a matter of fact. They call it midrash. I give you the money. You give me the indulgence. End of transaction. No need to bring ink and paper into this. Don't even act like I didn't pay for that indulgence. Testament.

So, yeah, one more babble in the books, only two more to go. So in three weeks, we're going to knock out three Johns and a Jude, leaving nothing but Revelation. And I have it on good authority that we still have the single most fucked up and hilarious book of the Bible to go, so at least there's something to look forward to in the end other than being done with it. So between now and then, read stuff that doesn't suck balls.

You have earned it. Please read something good for me. We'll get a head start on that Quran. Before we fly the coop tonight, I wanted to thank the many listeners who sent well wishes to Heath over the last week or so. His dad's doing much better and we're all hoping

he's going to be out of the hospital very soon. In the meantime, I know that all your heartfelt emails and sympathies have done wonders to keep a smile on his face in a time when it's really hard to smile, so thank you very much for that. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check out a brand spanking new episode of God Awful Movies on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. We're going to be breaking down A Thief in the Night this week,

which is by far our most often requested movie, and holy shit, it horrible. So you got that to look forward to. Obviously, it just isn't a show until I thank Heath for continuing to be fucking hilarious, despite plenty of good excuses to give his sense of humor a week off. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for taking on a much bigger role over the last couple of weeks to keep the show coming out on time. I also want to thank Loran for providing this week's adorable Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Carl, Julie, Justin, Brandon, Dean riding a kangaroo, Frankie, Robert, Allison, and Troy. Carl, Julie, and

Justin, whose sexual magnetism is strong enough to deflect solar radiation, Brandon, Dean riding a kangaroo, and Frankie, whose dicks are so big that they have escape velocities, and Robert, Allison, and Troy, who are so bright the sun can only observe them by cutting a little hole in a box and then looking at their shadow. Together, these nine noteworthy nobles of non-belief

have notably nudged our net worth north this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you've got money, you can give it to us by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving up all your money

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All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Definitely worth a re-record. You nailed pre-transubstantiated that time.