The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 143: Gaytheist Manifesto Edition

Episode Date: November 12, 2015

In this week's episode, Mormons get even worse, Kevin Swanson explains the hetero version of the Dirty Sanchez, and Callie Wright joins us to discuss Houston's new "just take a dump in the street" policy.

Warning, this show puts the logical in scatological. Opus, dazed and confused. The Vatican raves. Love them high school kids. Priests keep getting older. They stay the same age. Yes, they do. Opus, dazed and confused.

Stools out for summer. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, I am the atheist quote bot from Twitter. While I am the result of the intelligent design of my programmer, I can unequivocally confirm that you humans are in fact evolved from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's November 12th. And based on their new holiday cups, I think it's safe to say that Starbucks hates freedom. Yes, they do. I'm no illusions.

I'm Heath Enright, and from New York, New York, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Mormons get even worse. Pastor Kevin Swanson teaches us the hetero method for a dirty Sanchez. And Callie Wright from the Gaytheist Manifesto will be here to discuss Houston's new Just Shit in the Street policy. But first, the diatribe is deciding what to talk about. This was not one of those weeks.

In fact, the only real challenge this time was figuring out how to discuss the topic I wanted to talk about without just screaming what the fuck is wrong with these people with audible and terror bangs for five minutes. Because seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? My inbox, my Facebook page and my Twitter timeline were filled this weekend with links to stories about Starbucks's war on Christmas cups. I guess they're the latest victim of Christianity's bizarre persecution fetish, and there was no way they could have seen this one coming, because in the minds of America's most vocal Christians, the definition of persecution is so malleable that by this time next week, it'll mean of or relating to fruit bats. I mean, at this point, there are

exactly zero things that can't be crammed into their infinite well of imagined slights. See, I thought they hit rock bottom last April when they freaked out about Google's anti-Christian Easter doodle, which was, by the way, Google, written the way that Google writes Google. But the fact that sometimes they used to put bunnies and eggs and shit on the logo on Easter, and this year they didn't, that's persecution. And of course it is, because it's either an action or it's inaction. And if it's one of those things, it's Christian persecution. So naturally, I didn't think it could get any dumber than that. You know, when you start defining doing absolutely nothing as Christian persecution, how could it possibly get dumber? Well, you know, of course, how it could, because nobody ever went broke betting on American Christians to

outstupid themselves. But this week, the bar was raised because the latest kick in the ribs of the baby Jesus comes in the form of Starbucks's holiday cups, which don't say anything about Jesus on them. And that, of course, is clearly an effort by liberal Satanists from the PC police to round up Christians and gay marry them to death in the wrong public bathroom. It's a red fucking cup. They're losing their goddamn minds over a solo cup. It's red. That's it. It's blank. It's a red cup with a Starbucks logo on it. Beyond the name of the establishment

and the symbol that that establishment chose to represent themselves, no message is conveyed by this cup other than I am red. And that is persecution. And why is it persecution? Because there's no snowflakes or ice skates on it. Okay, so let me back up for a second.

Not everybody drinks Starbucks. I don't drink Starbucks. I didn't know that they were in the habit of changing their cups for the holidays. But apparently they are. Every year they'll unveil a new holiday cup with some seasonal shit on it. It'll have like a winking snowman or mittens or something. And sometimes those cups will have Christmassy stuff. Never the Jesus shit that the Christians love so much.

But they'll do like ornaments or wreaths or reindeer or something like that. But this year they went with a plain red cup with no designs on it. And you know what? That's lazy. It's a crappy decision. It's like when Time Magazine couldn't think of anybody who did anything that year. So they put the little mirror on the front of the person of the year issue. No, it was you. Seriously. You know, somebody's job was to come up with a holiday design. They woke up the morning of, they said, fuck, I was supposed to do that thing. And then they saved their job with a bullshit thought we'd go go minimalist this year, spiel at a meeting. Good for them.

But if you want to fault them for slacking ass or cheating some graphic design team out of a Christmas bonus this year, go right ahead. But Christian persecution? Why not call it nuclear holocaust or fish dentures? Because that's where I am with these guys now.

Look, my humor works on analogy. Calling this persecution would be like calling a blank a blank, but that requires at least some kind of tangential connection between the first two things. At this point, I'm beyond the event horizon of parody. The stupidity is so densely packed that the normal rules of humor break down. Next week, they're going to be boycotting Panera Bread

because squirrels don't wear little Santa hats, and I'm going to be throwing darts at a fucking thesaurus. I'll be like, I don't know. It's like gardening a pie with a termite. How's that? Does that not make sense enough? It's like jumping over a hiccup on a chagrin. I give up. It's too stupid to make fun of now. Because honestly, I try to get there and I can't. I try to put myself in their shoes and see how you can look at this plain blank cup and take it as an insult. And it's not even because I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I just want to know how they get there so I can make fun of them better.

But I just can't do it. I can't even imagine a mindset where anti-me and not pro-anyone in particular are synonyms. Unless they're randomly building a new language out of existing English words and they started with persecution. I honestly don't get it. Oh, and speaking of not getting it, I can't talk about this without mentioning the reaction of one of my least favorite uses of DNA, Josh Fierstein, a.k.a. Fat Guy in a Red Hat. Of course, this nincompoop had to sound off

in one-third of a YouTube video about this controversy. He also proposed a solution that he ripped off from Eric Hovind. And if you thought the video where he demonstrated his Jesus-iness by giving his children loaded firearms was the stupidest thing he would ever stupid, strap in and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, so first of all, you're bitching about a cup that looks exactly like your hat, dude. That's number one. If Starbucks is persecuting Christians, so is your fat fucking head. But that's just a spinach dip dip because here's how he's going to get back at Starbucks, right? He's going to give them money and he's going to encourage his YouTube followers to give him money.

But giving them money isn't the whole plan, of course, because he's also going to act like a dick about it. See, when the folks at Starbucks ask your name, Fierstein suggests that you tell them your name is Merry Christmas. So then they have to write Merry Christmas on the cup, huh? I don't show those bastards. And in the meantime, you might actually force a Muslim or a Jew or something into saying something that they feel uncomfortable saying because of the religion when they call out your name. Bonus points.

Think of how unpersecuted Jesus will be then. After all, what good is freedom of speech if you can't use it to make other people say stuff they don't want to say, am I right? They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is repeat offender Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to offend repeatedly? I've been warming up all day on Subway Preachers, so yeah, I'm ready to go.

Awesome, awesome. Well, don't let me slow you down then. In our lead story tonight from the fucking duh file. According to a recent study by neuroscientist Gene DeCity from the University of Chicago, children of Christian and Muslim parents are statistically less generous than those of non-religious parents. statistically less generous than those of non-religious parents. The results also suggest that a religious upbringing within one of the world's two largest faiths makes a child more likely to be kind of an asshole in general about things in general. So the thing that makes big humans act like assholes also makes little humans act like

assholes. It's almost like reinforcing tribalism in a plural society is morally detrimental. Weird. So the findings about altruism are based on data collected from six different countries regarding the responses of school children to the option of sharing things with other students. In one of the experiments, kids were given their choice of 10 stickers from a large book and then asked to give away as many as they wanted to their friends who didn't get a chance to participate in the activity. Children whose parents don't base their lives on imaginary ghosts gave away an average of 4.1 out of 10 stickers, while children of

Christians and Muslims gave away only 3.3 on average because secular morality is better. It didn't say that part in the study, but I'm saying it now. Right, yes, exactly. Very clearly. Well, and what really drives the nail in the coffin for them is the fact that the correlation tracked with how long the kid had been religious. The longer the student had been in their faith, the stingier they were with their fucking stickers. It makes it damn unlikely that

they're measuring some unknown correlation here or something. It's almost certainly directly related to the religiosity. Right. And then another section of the study addressed the issue of empathy and the extent of judgmental behavior. Oh, I bet they killed that one. They did. Fantastic. So children were shown videos of physical conflicts and then asked to rank the level of malicious intent involved, as well as give their opinions on the proper punishment for the perceived aggressor. And as you've already guessed, children from Christian and Muslim households were more likely to be a giant dick about it and dole out penalties even when there wasn't enough context to identify a guilty party or justify the punishment that

they came up with. Children of non-religious parents, on the other hand, were less likely to be self-righteous assholes. So yeah, weird stuff. Weird stuff from this study. All that plus bacon and sodomy. How are we losing? Just be a slam fucking dunk.

And in sins of both fathers news tonight, the LLDS put their sterling progressive reputation at risk this week by condemning the children of gay couples to the shittiest level of Mormon heaven if they refuse to publicly disavow their parents. They have levels. Yes, they do. They do. There's no hell, but there's a worst heaven.

It's like a participation trophy of the afterlife anyway according to a new official policy that was leaked last thursday children and gay couples are now barred from being baptized confirmed ordained or recommended for missionary service what's more the church will also withhold the secret password that gets you into good heaven which is actually a thing for these people unless the children agree to publicly shame their parents and condemn their relationship. All right, well, I'm just going to throw it out there, you know, just in case some of these kids don't hate their gay parents. The password's probably something close to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, star. I'm just guessing.

And if that doesn't work, try down, R, up, L, Y, B. Right, right, or down, up, left, left, A, right, down. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be one of the three. Of course, choosing between one's parents and a pair of magic underoos doesn't seem like a very tough decision from people on this side of the glass. But if you can put yourself in the head of a kid who actually thinks eternity lies in the balance, their whole planet that they get to rule is in the balance here. The full fucked-up-edness of this policy really comes into focus. And even if you can't, the idea of trying to break up families in the name of family values

should just enrage you enough from a logical perspective. That is if the Mormon church lecturing people on the importance of traditional marriage didn't already break your irony meter. And by the way, what exactly do these people think is gonna happen like some kid wakes up one morning and says dad dad uh i disavow ye like the dads are just gonna say uh all right idiot here's your lunch go to school the fuck was just accomplished nothing good that's for sure so church spokesman eric hawkins confirmed the authenticity of the leaked documents and justified them with the following verbose rendition of fuck them queers. Quote, while the church respects the law of the land and acknowledges the rights of others to think and act differently, it does not accept same sex marriage within its membership.

End quote. In other words, we're begrudgingly conceding that gay people get to exist, but asking us to treat them like humans. That's a little much. Come on. One step at a time, guys. Bisexual sister wives, on the other hand. That's just fans fucking task. They keep rolling with it. Great job. No issues with that at all as long as they're all married to men

or man. It's worth noting though that this new policy was enough to prompt a scheduled mass exodus from the church as well. Hundreds of practicing Mormons are expected to attend a Saturday rally in Salt Lake City to formally renounce their church membership. And because Mormons make residing from the church as well. Hundreds of practicing Mormons are expected to attend a Saturday rally in Salt Lake City to formally renounce their church membership. And because Mormons make residing from the church insanely difficult, attorneys will be on hand to make sure that attendees jump through all the hoops necessary to make this

permanent. And while I applaud the people who are belatedly giving up on this corrupt institution, I think it's still fair to think for a few seconds about all the fucked up shit the Mormons did over the last several years that didn't convince them to resign. So it was the kid disavowing thing. Really? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

So welcome to the party. You're late. There's no chips and dip left and shit, but we're glad to have you anyway. And in Brigham old news tonight, GOP senator from Utah, old ass Mormon guy and cartoon tortoise who keeps winning races. Orrin Hatch gave a speech on the Senate floor last week describing how he spoke with the founding fathers back in the day. And they personally assured him that church state separation is actually supposed to mean that churches can do whatever the fuck they want and states can't do shit about it. And while I don't doubt the timeline of his claim, he's clearly got some memory issues about the content of those conversations

because those founding father dudes were very much secularists, very clearly. Well, that's what they say, but I don't know, because I was reading this David Barton book, and when it's like literary Chick track, and when Jesus and Chuck Norris signed the Constitution, they made Thomas Jefferson agree to put in a part about that later. So, I mean, you know, they were tricked is what I'm saying. That's just history, or beforeology, I think, is what Barton does officially, because historians

won't let him use their words. So several of the main points of Hatch's speech consisted of naming very reasonable policies but saying them with like a negative tone of voice as if they were bad. That's all he had. Well, according to Hatch, the constitutional wall of separation, quote, has kept religion out of the public square and fed the idea that religion is a private matter to be practiced within the confines of one's church or home. End quote. Yes. Nailed it. Exactly. And his other points consisted mostly of just making shit up entirely.

Right. of just making shit up entirely. Right. Like claiming kids aren't allowed to pray on school grounds or suggesting the government is going to somehow outlaw the phrase Merry Christmas nationally. Yeah, I mean, if you can't get to your second bullet point without having to invent shit from whole cloth, maybe you don't have a legitimate complaint.

Worth considering, at least. And by the way, if this sounds like it's just a meaningless speech by some senile Mormon dude, it is. That's correct. Right. But a quick side note, if the fact that this guy is a U.S. senator isn't frightening enough to you, Orrin Hatch is three deaths away from becoming a president of the United States by succession. Oh, fuck, he is, isn't he?

Yeah. And you want to get even more terrified? Paul Ryan is only two deaths away. Where the fuck do I live? Right, no shit. Unbelievable. I'm calling up Biden. Hey, dude, did you get your fiber today?

Did you check out that rash? Yeah, that rash. Was it benign? Awesome, awesome. Good to know. We'll send you a Fitbit, man. I hear good things. Get that guy in a hyperbaric chamber whenever he's got a chance.

Oh, shit. Give him some massages, whatever he wants. A little shoulder rub there, yeah, exactly. And in Can't Buy Me Love news tonight, according to research from the National Catholic Reporter, the total cost of the Vatican's insatiable kid-fucking is fast approaching

$4 billion. With a B. Be $3,994,797,060.10, to be exact. And by the way, that's only if you value the psychological well-being of an innocent child at nothing, which they do. How'd they get an extra dime in one of those settlements? Well, what's fucked up is there's probably like 71 cents on all of them, and it just added up to that.

But keep in mind, by the way, that that figure just represents, only represents the amount that they've paid out in lawsuits over pedophilia since 1950. Wow. This needs to be displayed on like a large digital clock in Times Square from now on, next to that national death thing or something.

Right. Of course, if you want to fully evaluate the cost of the scandal to the church itself, you also have to consider the estimated $2.3 billion annually that the church no longer gets because most people don't want to fund kid fuckers, even if they do get a magic cracker once a week in exchange. perpetrators, the legal costs, all the spin doctors they've had to employ, the ineffective but still expensive programs that they've instituted to make it look like they now give a shit, not to mention all the travel costs incurred by actually moving these child rapist priests to new dioceses whenever they get caught. You know, you rack up a lot of airfare and frequent flyer miles only go so far.

And plus, this can't be easy, though, for an organization with a serious, serious hat budget like this one. I mean, once you start cutting corners on miters to silence rape victims, it starts to affect all other phases of production. It's a tricky, tricky situation for these guys. Low-quality indulgences. That's what it's going to end in. Yeah, exactly, exactly. so when you toss this shit all together the payouts along with the lost revenue that you're talking about that would be a number around 75 billion dollars which balloons to over 100 billion when you account for the inflation over the 65 years that we're examining so and of course as

near as anybody can tell they haven't stopped doing it at all you know they're still shifting pedophile priests around south america and refusing to extradite the collection they've amassed in their basement so according to the v Vatican, raping children is worth about two and a half space elevators and counting. But don't worry, though, the Pope believes in thermometers. So that balances it all out. That encyclical is awesome. Yeah. And in death tithing news tonight, according to a recently filed lawsuit, Chicago's Moody Bible Institute is a Christian nonprofit organization that's currently profiting by conning elderly people into willing the group large chunks of money at the end of their lives. How church of them. this sort of activity is fairly common and legal, which is disturbing already, but it gets even worse and decidedly illegal when the victims are mentally incapable of making large financial

decisions like those. And not surprisingly, these are exactly the type of mark being allegedly targeted by the fine people over at Moody's Bible Institute. Right, right. Yeah. Awful. It's safe to say that life savings are exactly like to kill a mockingbird prequels in that way. At a certain point, you just need to leave the motherfucker alone. They're crazy. So based on the account of Ms. Turner's caregiver, Lisa Higdon, it seems that Moody's employs what can only be described as a geriatric fleecing department, which has been sending a representative to perform a series of biblical shakedowns

of this elderly woman since 2013. And although Ms. Higdon, the caregiver, specifically insisted that discussions of estate planning only occur with family present, the con man continued setting up secret one-on-one meetings until he finally obtained a signature for Turner's entire life savings and property. Yeah, exactly. Which, of course, later on, Mrs. Turner couldn't recall signing. Oh, maybe she will. Now, of course, to be fair, Moody denies everything and has offered to rip up the contract and not steal everything she owned now that people know about it.

Oh, they finally did agree to do that wonderful yeah so um i would have liked to assume that defrauding people of their money would be illegal regardless of age and mental status but apparently that's not the case and as a penalty i'm just thinking maybe moody's can be in charge of dealing with like uh erections that last more than four hours from now on. Something like that. I'd be in charge of fixing that. That'd be a good start.

I think that'd be fair. So if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, call Moody's Bible Institute. Or a Turkey hotline. Absolutely. And Lucinda already had enough stories news tonight. A Christian school in England is warning their female students that if they get sexually assaulted, it's probably because their vaginas were not properly layered. Does the Majora grow in later?

Is that how that works? Layered? What? Well, okay, so the school is under fire for a new policy that requires students to wear black leggings under their skirts, regardless of the skirt's length. Slightly more sense. All right. According to a letter sent to the parents, the rule was implemented, quote, in the interest

of modesty and to ensure students are properly safeguarded on their way to and from school. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's reasonable. I mean, rapists hate black leggings. I'm told. Yeah. Yeah. According to a friend, some of my best friends are rapists.

The latest reminder that the Muslims don't have exclusivity on the cover or up before I rape her discourse has led to outrage from women's rights groups as well as men who are perfectly able to resist raping children regardless of their wardrobes. But even setting aside the disgusting reinforcement of the whole modesty trope, the idea of telling young girls that, A, sexual assault is your fault and it's the result of dressing slutty, and B, girls wearing tights under their skirts are unrapable, I'd say that's more than enough to justify said outrage. Seems like a dangerous, dangerous message, I would say, yeah. Yeah, no good can come of it, certainly. And while we're already on the subject of sexism and outrage, I guess it'd be a perfect time to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape. A dangerous slut, right? it'd be a perfect time to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate rage. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogyny. This time next year, we'll be done with the presidential election.

No more debates, no more campaign ads, no more robocalls. The election will be over and we'll know who the next president is going to be. And we'll have at least nine or 10 months of a break before the 2020 presidential election starts. Look, of all the things America does stupidly, our method of picking a leader may be the worst. It's so easy to get jaded and check out of it. It's so easy to look at the choices by the end of it and not see a difference. But of course, as atheists, we can't afford to do that because in a lot of ways, the office of the presidency is overblown, but there's still the judicial appointor in chief, and that's where the real power is. And make no mistake, the Christians know that. That's

why they're trying to redefine everything from Starbucks cups to the establishment clause as Christian persecution. And the Roberts court has already shown its willingness to forego both law and logic to make concessions to religion. We were a swing vote away from missing out on marriage equality. And something tells me that issue won't get any better under a president Rubio or president Cruz. No, sorry, puked in my mouth a little. For example, the Supreme court just agreed to hear yet another chip away at the contraception mandate case in their next session. And this one is just insane. It's a suit from a bunch of religious groups that believe that allowing their employees to get free access to contraception violates the religious freedom, regardless of who pays for it. That's right.

The very fact that someone they employ gets birth control is a violation of their religious freedom. But their justification doesn't matter because they've already said they won't be happy until their employees simply can't have birth control. So the court should only agree to hear this argument if they need a good laugh. But not only are they going to hear the case, they're probably going to find for the people whose magical space pimp called dibs on all of their uteruses. And we should also spend a second considering that in the minds of Christians, there's no such thing as too stupid to sue over.

Consider the story out of California. So the state legislature there recently enacted a law targeting so-called pregnancy crisis centers that are really just anti-abortion religious groups. They're not medical facilities. Their focus isn't on the health and well-being of their clients. They're just there to disseminate misinformation about abortion. That's all they do. Well, California just passed a law requiring them to post signs notifying women of the reproductive rights. A big obvious sign that says, hey, if you need an abortion or a real doctor or anything, here's the number to call.

Additionally, they'll be required to post signs making it very clear that they are not licensed medical facilities, Additionally, they'll be required to post signs making it very clear that they are not licensed medical facilities, which seems damn reasonable unless you're a religious zealot whose only goal is to save as many zygotes from hell as you can. Speaking to MBR, a legal group representing the bullshit pregnancy centers compared the law to one that would force synagogues to post signs about the nearest Jesus Church or requiring AA groups to post directions to the nearest liquor store. He also promised to take this case all the way to the Supreme Court if he has to. Let's just hope he finds a less theocratic court when he gets there. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in a peas in a pod news tonight, Kentucky Governor-elect Matt Bevin announced last Friday

that he would be altering the state's marriage licenses such that bigoted Christian county clerks no longer have to attach their names to unions that contain the improper Christian genital count. In other words, the new governor is promising that one of his first acts in office will be an executive order to mollify iconic bigot and perfectly lump-shaped human Kim Davis. lump-shaped human Kim Davis. And this is important to Christians because, you know, God's cool with it when people help enable gay people to get married

as long as they don't have their name on any gay paperwork. Well, yeah, exactly. And that's the thing. If it wasn't fucking this, it would be something else. Now, I want to be clear here because very close to nothing happened,

but this is still a pretty big deal. The license currently has a spot where the county clerk officially signs and now it won't have that spot so in a sense this is a reasonable compromise gay couples can still get married christian people that think god is going to burn them in hell for allowing people to have sex wrong no longer have to worry but in order for a compromise to be reasonable both sides of the issue have to reach a certain level of reasonableness you know i mean the kim davis position isn't just stupid it's disgusting it's bigotry and when you compromise with bigotry you codify bigotry you endorse bigotry you say well you do gross him the fuck out so let's try to hide you from a just a little bit you know back in the closet there. That is not reasonable. Not what that means, no.

And in umbilical common cord news tonight, senior class member Chastity Williams of Jackson High School in Georgia was recently given the choice of pursuing legal action against her school district for one or more of several different reasons. for one or more of several different reasons. At the very least, this list of offenses includes body shaming, religious harassment, uterus-related harassment, violation of privacy in general, and, of course, illegal discrimination. Of course. And it all came from one especially stupid faculty member, who, I've got to assume, made a wager with someone about how many constitutional

violations she could commit in one afternoon, which was accomplished by interrogating Chastity Williams about her religious affiliation and also her pregnancy status. She was asked about her pregnancy status. Kind of hard to imagine a legal reason those two things would come up in a teacher-student conversation. I can't imagine a legal reason those two things would come up in a teacher-student conversation. I can't imagine what that would be. So for today's lab experiment, we'll need the flesh of an unborn Jew. Anybody?

Chastity, are you pregnant? Jewish? No? No? Anyone? So it looks like this all started when Ms. Williams decided to sign up for the school's student government group. And this faculty advisor asked her if she was pregnant for some reason, which she was not, and continues not to be.

And although that's nobody's fucking business but her own, rather than slapping the intrusive bitch right across the face, which I might have done, or asking an equally appropriate question about how the teacher enjoys DVDA, or i would have done yeah instead chastity truthfully responded no i'm not pregnant the advisor let's call her shitty lady from now on sure then proceeded to confront her about it again leading off this next time by asking are you a christian and when chastity said yes shitty lady put a Bible on the table and had Chastity swear on the holy book that she was indeed harboring exactly zero zygote fugitives. Who doubles down on the are you pregnant or just fat question? I mean, that's the most embarrassing shit in the world when you accidentally think a fat chick is pregnant.

But how vile of a bitch would you have to be to realize that you did that and then go, I don't know about this shit. You're telling me you're really that fat. I don't know. I need some kind of supernatural lie detector test or something. And, and at least it's an ethos news tonight, ranting lunatic and man

with the physical proportions of the hangman guy Kevin Swanson called for genocide with style at this week's National Religious Liberties Conference in Des Moines, where hundreds gathered to discuss the logistics of murdering all the gay people. It's like he's made of a coat hanger, yeah. Oh my God, this guy, like that suit just looks like it's swaying in the wind. So included in the crowd of genocide endorsing attendees were no fewer than three presidential candidates, including the dude who's currently polling fourth in the GOP and second when you remove the punchline only candidates, Ted Cruz. But you were going to say Lincoln Chafee or Jim Webb or something.

Pretty much that whole GOP field is in the clown car, I'd say. Anyway, you were saying Ted Cruz doesn't not want to kill all the gay people yeah pretty much pretty much so i want to be very clear about this because this conference was not merely organized by a person who says he wants to kill the gays this conference was about killing the gays you know they discussed the proper timing yeah exactly exactly swanson repeatedly offered justifications for this mass extermination from the main fucking stage. They passed out literature about how the gays should be killed, where they should be killed, and who should be in charge of the killing. God would be damned, this was more explicitly genocidal than anything Hitler ever muttered from a stage.

And Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, and Bobby Jindal put their seal of approval on it and even helped Swanson boost attendance. All right. So in what sense are the people behind this event not a terrorist group? They haven't killed all the gay people yet. Is that the distinction they're going to go with? I guess. So during his stage time with the professional gay genocide endorser, Cruz sent mixed messages when he pointed out that any man who doesn't begin every morning on his knees is unfit for the presidency. So either he's subtly suggesting that mouth stuff should be exempted from the murder gay people legislation, or he's saying atheists are unfit to serve as president. So like everything that fucking cartoon character says, the most offensive

possible interpretation of his statement is also the one that he meant. possible interpretation of his statement is also the one that he meant. Right. And finally tonight, from the older, manure, borrowed and bluer file, we've got a bit more follow up on Kevin Swanson's homicidal conference. We could have done a whole fucking episode on this guy. Really good. Wow. Specifically, I want to talk about the part when he took the stage to perform

i guess a scripted meltdown rant during which he addressed the negative ramifications of our current policy in this country to not murder all the gay people he also got into the details of how to handle an invitation to a same-sex marriage of a family member, specifically with respect to what type of manure pile to sit in and where to smear it on your body in protest. That's right. And in case anyone's not familiar with the standard procedure, it's cow shit and all over your body. Yes.

Cow manure all over. He actually said that. I have seen the video. We're not making anything up about this. That is his recommended method of rsvp a gay wedding full body cow shit that's way to go so here's a few highlights from mr swanson's address at the big hate speech gala he started by pointing out that both the old and new testament tell us that the penalty for sexual relations involving too many or too few penises is execution.

And despite having full knowledge of this policy, he continued to base his argument on these two genocidal books. He continued with the following warning about festering homosexual flesh wounds. festering homosexual flesh wounds maybe he said quote don't you dare carve happy faces on open pussies sores no idea the fuck he's talking about and if you can imagine this he said that in an insane way and i mean like on the scales of ways to admonish people for figuratively carving happy faces on pussy sores he was at the crazy end of that scale and it wasn't clear that he meant figuratively a day no no not at all and of course let's not forget about the proper fecal response for good christians in protest gay marriage. He got into that some more too. According to Swanson,

here's what he would do if he got invited to his son's wedding to another man. Quote, I would wear sackcloth and ashes at the entrance to the church and I'd sit in cow manure and I'd spread it all over my body. That is what I would do. And I'm not kidding. I'm not laughing. Oh, don't worry.

We're laughing for you, bro. I'm just trying to picture people trying to get into the church. They'd be like, Pastor, you smell like you've been. Anyway, for what it's worth, by the way, if you find yourself in that position, Pastor Swanson, I'll shit on you for free. Anytime you'd like. That manure could end up being expensive with the whole so obviously i don't need to explain why we'll be putting 30 seconds on the clock oh no we're looking for titles from kevin swanson's heterosexuality affirming shit porn collection

that he definitely owns go it did seem like he was trying to make excuses to smear shit on himself. Yeah, yeah. So safe, safe bet here that he would have feces of Nazareth, the passings of the Christ. The scat and nine tails scene in that one was brutal. Clearly. Just gross. I would imagine he also has something called one man, one woman, one cup. Scat porn the way God intended. You would think by now the two girls, one cup references, the jokes out there would be just dried up, but never. No.

Never. They're always moist. How about Defecate and Leopold? What about Smiracle on 34th Street? Stools of engagement. Yes, of course. Or to swill a stocking turd? What about? Dark a little bit. Makes it grosser. Or to swill a stocking turd. What about?

Gargle a little bit. Makes it grosser. What about flush hour number two? Dung-foo hustles. Three for one in that. How about diarreal steel? Adding literal shit to figurative shit. Did you see that movie?

That was so fucking bad. I would much rather watch the diarrheal steel version. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. What about the Santorum Diaries? The truffle butterfly effect. Picture the...

Yeah, get the visual. Everybody get the visual. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And if you haven't already... Let's take our time. Google truffle butter.

I think I might have mentioned that once before, but just to be sure. And, of course, in his hentai section, you would find, it's the great blumpkin charlie brown certainly would be in there somewhere all right i go i could have done this whole thing on just hentai i mean all right i go i got one more what about cleveland steamboat bill jr scat on a hot tin roof got my favorite movie in there i love it i love it and with that rare confluence of buster keaton and keister button references we'll close out the headlines for the night he thanks as always jumanji and when we come back callie right from the gaytheist manifesto

we'll be here to being the disputed reigning champion of reason con skeperty callie wright is the host of the gaytheist manifesto podcast where she explores the intersection between the atheist community and the lgbt movement callie welcome to the scathing atheist thank you so much for having me i'm stoked well okay so i feel like even without my brief description, the name of your show pretty much tells us the what. So I'd kind of like to start off tonight with the why. So what prompted you to launch the Gaytheist Manifesto? Well, it was a couple of things really. When I started getting involved in the atheist community, obviously, I feel like the atheist community does a really good job of being generally LGBT allies.

Like you see all the local atheists and free thought groups at pride events and stuff like that. But I noticed there weren't a ton of actual LGBT voices speaking loudly in the movement. And they're definitely there. I don't mean to discount people like Greta Christina and Stephanie Gittormson and folks like that. But I just noticed like – I didn't necessarily see that there was a person who that was like literally their thing. Like they're pushing the LGBT thing in the atheist community. And conversely to that, I was shocked when I started getting involved in the LGBT community locally where I am, like I was really, really surprised at how much religion there was involved in all of this despite the fact that like I know so many other trans people who identify as atheist or at the very least they identify as like a nun. You know, like I just don't do a religion.

And I thought to myself like, wow, that's really weird. And then there was one event in particular that kind of spurred me into the whole activism thing. And if you remember the Lila Alcorn story, there's religion involved in a lot of that. And she was from Cincinnati, where I'm from, and we had a vigil in front of her high school a couple of nights after she died. And there was an LGBT-affirming minister there that was giving a talk. And these people are at all the events. And I don't necessarily begrudge them being there.

We're a diverse community. Some people need that. I'm not going to do a religious debate at a memorial service. So I let them do their thing and that's fine. But she said the words verbatim, I believe God was a first responder on the highway that day. And I thought to myself, like, that may be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. And someone in that mindset, they don't realize what they're implying when they say that. stood by while this kid was rejected by her parents, isolated from her friends, tortured with conversion therapy, got no treatment for her depression, made the decision to kill herself, wrote the suicide note, auto-posted it to Tumblr, and walked out in front of a truck on

the highway, and God decided to get involved after all of this. And so I was already pretty involved in the LGBT community, at least locally at that point. And when that happened, I thought like atheist activism has to be part of this. Like I think in a lot of ways, atheist activism is kind of LGBT activism by proxy. Because if you look at most atheist activism doesn't surround like stripping people away of their religion. Like most of it centers around separation of church and state. most atheist activism doesn't surround like stripping people away of their religion like most of it centers around separation of church and state right and obviously we know that not all religious people are bigots and a matter of fact there are some uh people in faith communities

who are great allies and who are as invested in this fight as i am and have been for longer than i've been alive and i respect and appreciate those people but we know that the religious right are the ones holding us back. So in a world where religion has less power, LGBT people are objectively better off. Yeah, yeah. No, I think that goes without saying almost. Unfortunately, I guess it doesn't because you have to get out there and say it. Exactly. So now how has the response been so far both in the atheist community and in the lgbt community to your show?

The atheist community response has been ridiculously good people are so so eager to have this conversation and generally what I hear is that it's just They've never really been presented with the opportunity to get to know a trans person before So I put myself out there as that person. Like, ask me your awkward and stupid questions. I'm not going to be offended or hurt by them because that's – I want the trans community especially but the wider LGBT community to know that the atheist community can be a safe

place for them and that generally atheists care. And you don't need to go find an affirming faith community to have a place to feel like you belong. Right. No, that makes a lot of sense, especially because so many of the churches can sort of carve out their niche by saying, no, no, we're the ones that don't hate you. Exactly. Come to us.

Well, now, I know when I listen to your show, I learn a lot. And it's like you say, it's sort of that awkward, I would not ask you this question, I would turn red before I would kind of thing that you just sort of naturally deal with on your show. So would you say that your show is more designed for like people like myself that are on the outside looking in and want to know more about the trans community? Or is it more for people who are within that community that want the conversation and that need sort of that safe space? Well, I think it definitely skews more towards an ally audience wanting to learn more about the community and how to be better allies and stuff like that. Just because I got involved in the whole thing by getting to know David Smalley and the Dogma

Debate folks. And I did audio production for them for a while and David put me on his network. So like all of the promotion was coming from the atheist community side. So that's where most of my audience comes from and has come from, from me being on all of those different atheist podcasts, which is great. So, but, but I mean, I've, I've heard so many, I've heard from so many trans people who identify as atheists who they are just stoked that there's someone out there talking about them and someone out there validating the way that they feel because there are so many people who feel like I have to accept religiosity in some way if I'm going to be involved in my community. And there are people who have literally PTSD from their experiences with religion, whether they were physically assaulted by their family members or verbally and mentally abused for being who they are. And I mean, they have real trauma from being involved with religion and they just, there's nothing comfortable about being in a church, no matter how, you know, open and affirming that church is. And there are many that are great and open and affirming. Like,

I don't, I'm not the atheist who thinks that like everything church is bad. Like there are some really good people involved in those things, but there's still not so much the recognition that there are some people, I don't care how affirming your church is. Church is not a place that I will ever feel safe in. No, I can imagine that. I mean, I feel the same way and I'm not even, you know, I'm not even on their hit list. So, but see now my fear, you know, cause I see a lot of people in the atheist community making an effort to reach out to the LGBT community, but because I see a lot of people in the atheist community making an effort to reach out to the LGBT community. But also I see a lot of people who sort of treat – in the atheist community that treat the LGBT crowd like the Democrats treat California. You're going to vote for us anyway.

The guys on the other side of the theistic divide are constantly talking about how you shouldn't be allowed to have sex or get married or use bathrooms or in far more common cases than I care to admit, continue to live on Earth. So I think that we're at high risk for kind of taking for granted that the queer and trans community is always going to line up on our side. Do you find that to be true, or do you think that we're doing, you know, sort of what's our report card? How are we doing as a community, you think? Well, and this isn't meant to be dismissive at all, but like A plus for effort. Or do you think that we're doing, you know, because sort of what's our report card? How are we doing as a community, you think?

Well, and this isn't meant to be dismissive at all, but like A plus for effort, like starting there. Because like I said, generally speaking, I found even the people who have the least amount of like practical knowledge and experience when it comes to, you know, creating spaces that LGBT folks feel like they can belong in. They very much want to, and you can like, you know, they go out of their way to invite, you know, queer and trans speakers to their groups and they do the, the glisten safe space training where,

you know, you learn to, you know, ask someone their pronouns instead of assume their pronouns and stuff like that. So, so effort, I mean,

I like 100% for effort and my experience in the practical application of those things. It's been kind of a mixed bag, I think. And it's not, it's not for lack of trying, you know, I don't want to make it sound like there are people who, I don't know that I've ever honestly experienced the phenomenon that you're talking about. And obviously I'm, you know, one trans person in a huge community, but I don't know that I've ever experienced that so much. What I, what I do experience that I kind of bristle at a little bit in this, you know, maps to a couple of other things is, you know, I think obviously, you know, the Bible tells you that you are sick and twisted and, you know, twisted and broken and horrible just by virtue of being born as a human being, right? Right, yeah. And it obviously has far less kind things to say about women, about gay people, about people of color, and all of that kind of stuff. So there's often this thing like, how could a gay person be Christian? How could a trans person be Christian because of that?

And while on one hand, I get that, on the other hand, I think that may be a bit unfair because at the same time, we're just as vulnerable to religious indoctrination as anyone is as kids because everyone is. So I feel like there's a little bit of a double standard there that I kind of bristle at a little bit. Well, I don't know even if it's a double standard or if it's just across-the-board ignorance because I know I found myself saying that a number of times about women. The majority of religious people in this country are women, and I think to myself, how could any woman be a part of this organization that fundamentally thinks of her as a lesser human being. And so I think, yeah, probably with and again, that's

not a minority, but from my white, straight, cis male perspective, I guess it's easy to apply that to every group of people. Well, right. And that's what I always come back to. Well, the Bible says you're horrible for just being a human. So if I could take that back, why would anybody

be religious? And I think, honestly, that's the more fair question. And of course, obviously, it comes back to indoctrination and you know, selective, you know, selective information and confirmation bias and the whole litany of reasons that people hold on to their religious beliefs. Okay. So now I find a lot of people, a lot of times the comparison is made between the atheist movement and the LGBT movement, sort of like the atheists want to use sort of the strategies that the LGBT movement has made

to kind of normalize our status. So first of all, I want to ask how depressing it is to be part of a movement that makes the folks that can't even decide how many letters they're going to use to designate themselves seem cohesive and organized in comparison. But also, like, do you think that that comparison is overplayed? Do you think it's a fair comparison? No, I think it is because I think a lot of people don't think of atheists as a marginalized group. And in a lot of ways, we really are. And to be

fair, I mean, no one's arguing over our right to exist or what bathrooms we should be using or that kind of stuff. Well, there are some arguing against our right to exist, but they're nowhere near as prominent as the... Right. Right. That's fair. Obviously, the situations are kind of unique in certain ways. But I don't think that that's necessarily a bad comparison to make because obviously, you know, the LGBT community, as far as we have to go and as bad as things still are, like there have been great strides. I mean, marriage equality being one of them. But yeah, I mean, I think you can kind of map those things almost to any sort of activist movement when you're talking about a group of people who it seems socially acceptable to discriminate against and how you shift that dynamic and give them legal protections because they're not protected socially. And eventually the idea is to make those protections irrelevant because society sucks less. Right. So just kind of to wrap this up, would there be any general advice that you would give to the atheist community or members of the atheist community to help us better reach out to the trans community specifically and also to the larger LGBT community? I mean, the main thing, honestly, is to just get involved. Like the number one best way to feel compassion for somebody is get to know somebody. Like, the number one best way to feel compassion for somebody is get to know somebody.

You know, that's – it's a reality of the human condition. We can talk about how we should feel compassion for everyone equally whether we know them or not. But we know that's not the reality of how human beings work. So, you know, don't seek out to tokenize someone. You know, like I've had somebody literally tell me like, oh, I have a trans friend now. I can cross that off my bucket list. Fucking swing and a miss. You know what I mean? Like, I think you missed the point again a plus for effort but yeah um but get involved in these communities i mean for example there's an event coming up on november 20th the

strange the transgender day of remembrance it's celebrated in tons of cities across the u.s and even a bunch internationally and it's a day where the trans community gets together to memorialize people who have been lost to trans hate violence that year. And the organizations that put those on are always in need because of who we are. But having allies involved and supportive means the world because it means that there are people outside of our community who care about the things that happen to us. So find out whoever's organizing that event in your city and go volunteer and get to know people in the community and realize that we have this unique experience, this unique life experience in being trans. But aside from that, like the only reason we're any different from anyone else is because society hates us. You know, like I have a favorite TV show. I have favorite bands. I have dogs. I have best friends. I like to eat ice cream. I like to watch movies. You

know what I mean? Like, like I'm just a person really. And the more you get involved with these communities and get to know people, the more able you are to realize that. And things just kind of start to make sense then. It's less of an academic exercise. Like, I need to go to all of these presentations so I'm totally cultural competent and 101, 201, 301, that kind of stuff. Like, just get involved in the community and get to know people. And I think the rest kind of follows from that. Just get involved in the community and get to know people, and I think the rest kind of follows from that.

Well, and I think it's important that we remember as movement atheists that, look, the religious people are out there doing that. There are, like you said, woefully few of them, but there are religious people who are trying to kind of take advantage of that gathering of people and say, hey, why don't you come to our church too while you're out here? So we need to counter that as well. Yeah, I absolutely agree. That's great advice. Well, I really appreciate the perspective that you're bringing here. So we need to counter that as well. Yeah, I absolutely agree. That's great advice. Well, I really appreciate the perspective that you're bringing to the movement. I know that I've learned a lot listening to your show and I'd encourage our listeners to do the same.

Of course, we'll include a link to the Gatheist Manifesto on the show notes for this episode. Is there anywhere else that our listeners can find you, Callie? Oh, just iTunes, Spreaker, all the different podcast apps. I'm at Gatheist Callie on Twitter. I'm Callie Wright on Facebook, C-A-L-L-I-E W-R-I-G-H-T and then the only other real big plug

that I have is Thanksgiving evening, we're doing a two hour live show from 7 to 9 p.m. Eastern Oh, right on We're basically inviting anyone who doesn't have a family or friend gathering, you know, if you've been rejected by your family or your friends for being atheist or for being LGBT or for any other reason, really, and you don't otherwise have a place to go, come hang out with us. We're going to have JT Eberhard, David Smalley, Hina Dadaboy, and Ryan Bell as guests.

And we're just going to kind of do a hangout for people who don't otherwise have a place to go. So if that describes you, come hang out with us. Excellent. All right. Well, thanks again for joining us. And again, thanks for the work that you're doing. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that separates the interview from the outro. Now, before we move on to the meat of this segment, I should address a controversy that stems from this week's episode of Godawful Movies. During our review of A Thief in the Night, Eli started a vicious rumor that Heath was actually dead and that we were hiding that fact using pre-recorded segments. So for the record, Heath, you're not dead, are you? Jumanji! All right, well, with that out of the way, we'll turn to our first email. This one comes from a lifelong North Dakota resident and self-styled full-time Jumanji! credit for. Unlike good guys named Nick who dress like Jesus outside of abortion clinics to distract protesters and protect patients, it turns out that this guy is there despite the clinic asking him

repeatedly to leave and mostly just escalates the situation with the protesters. It looks like we were a little too quick to assign positive motives to the dude. We definitely don't support what he's doing now that we know fully what he's doing. Sorry about that. We should have been more vigilant with our research. Isn't that right, Heath? Jumanji. Exactly. In fact, if I recall correctly, this was your story. So any reason that you didn't catch this before the episode aired? As crazy as this might sound, gay nanobots will be raping Donald Trump. Well, yes, that does sound crazy, but it doesn't explain why you didn't properly research this story.

I mean, what were you doing when you were supposed to be researching? Jihad, space travel. I don't know if I believe that. Anyway, moving right along, our second email this week comes from Tyler, who asks why we do the show under fake names if it's so important that atheists be out of the closet. As protection from pigeon drones with enormous robotic penises. Well, I mean, that's part of it, sure. But to be honest, our fake names are just funnier than our real names. But for the record, Tyler, I did address this in detail in A Dry Tribe on, I believe it was episode 108. I'll email it to you. More specifically, the Bible tells us that a morning after post-coital cum plug is not a vagina with a really tall clip.

I don't remember that passage, I guess, and I don't see how it relates to Tyler's question, to be perfectly honest. Jumanji. All right, then. We also got a message from Carl, who recently left the Seventh-day Adventist church and wanted us to know that if we had any questions about this particular slice of insanity, he'd be happy to act as our resident expert, free of charge. So Heath, any questions about Seventh Day Adventism that you'd like Carl to field? So during the orgies, was it like torturing black people with a bullwhip? I don't even think they have orgies. Okay, here's the thing though.

Has there ever been a good child molester? I seriously doubt it. And finally, we got a message from Tanner, whose cousin is still feeling out the whole atheism thing. Tanner was wondering if we could offer any general advice to a new atheist or maybe to like an on-the-fence-but-leaning agnostic. So, Heath, any advice for Tanner's cousin? Unfortunately for white people in general, when you eat a Catholic baby, the process of using the restroom is a fucking disaster. when you eat a Catholic baby. The process of using the restroom is a fucking disaster.

I'm not sure that I understand why that problem would be race-specific. Plus, now you have an evil dragon. I didn't get an evil dragon. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we pull the airplane into the hangar this week, I wanted to congratulate friends of the show, Nick and Zandy, on their recent nuptials. All my Australian friends are kind of getting married at once. It's weird.

So congratulations, guys, and I hope your marriage is way better than Nick's taste in comics. Sorry, bro. Eli put me up to it. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we have for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check out a brand new episode of God Awful Movies on Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. Eastern, or any time thereafter, I guess. You can also catch me on not one,

but two episodes of The Imaginary Friend Show, or whatever Jake's decided to call it now. I'll save you the trouble of figuring that out with a handy link on the show notes as well. Obviously, the music can't fade in before I thank Heath for always bringing his A game, even though his G game is better than most people's C. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions, both for her incalculable contributions to the show

and for having sex with me. I also want to thank Callie Wright one more time for being a part of the show tonight. She's an awesome human being who puts on a very high-quality podcast. If you doubt the veracity of that statement, I invite you to check the link on the show notes for this episode at scathingatheist.com and give it a listen yourself. Feel free to agree with me later. I also need to thank AtheistQuoteBot on Twitter for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you find yourself one atheist quote an hour shy of true happiness, you can rectify that situation by following at Atheist underscore Bot on Twitter.

Glanced through the timeline, didn't see any quotes from Heath, Lucinda, Eli, or myself, but there's still some good shit in there nonetheless. And if you don't want to remember the Twitter handle, fear not, that'll be linked on the show notes also. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's top humans, Jonah, William, Stephen, James, Will, Herb, Michael, Eli, Saved, Mike, and Mary. Jonah, William, Stephen, and James, whose IQs are higher than a Colorado hippie, Will, Herb, Michael, and Eli, whose dicks are measured in AU, and Saved, Mike, and Mary, who are so sexy, million moms protested their yearbook pictures. Together, these 11 eloquent, elegant, electrifying elites have elevated our elaborate efforts to eliminate the ecclesiastical elephant

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until you've avenged the death of your master, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes if you're so inclined, and good luck with the avenging. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission.

So we'll try that one more time with feeling.