The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 144: Dilution Delusion Edition

Episode Date: November 19, 2015

In this week's episode we'll learn that a Utah judge sincerely meant to be less full of shit than he was; we'll be reminded in unmistakable ways that faith still isn't a virtue; and Kevin Swanson will emerge from his cocoon of cow dung and finally get to be a butterfly.

Warning, Noah's extra piss this week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is dedicated to the innocent victims of the horrific terrorist attacks in France. Solidarité toujours. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Ari, the Israeli Jewish atheist geek from Barcelona. geek from Barcelona, and as a man of computer science, I can assure you that we did in fact evolucionado de hombres monos sucios. It's Thursday. It's November 19th.

And the terrorist ass play facility at Gitmo is currently looking for well-hung French volunteers. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, a Utah judge swears he meant to be less full of shit. We're reminded once again that faith is not a fucking virtue. Hell no, it's not. And Kevin Swanson will emerge from his cow-dunk cocoon

and become a butterfly. But first, an unusually long diatribe. I don't want to talk about dead people in France again. You know, I already talked about it once this year, and that was the hardest diatribe I ever had to do. But it's more than that, of course. I mean, I don't want to be yet another voice standing atop 129 corpses to say, hey, you know that thing that I'm

ideologically committed to, that thing that I've been saying for years? Well, that's the real issue behind these Paris attacks. You know, there's just too many people already doing that. And even if I'm right, I don't want to play king of the mountain with them. I want to talk about happy, funny shit we can all laugh at, like the latest adventures of fat guy in a red hat instead. But ultimately, it's my job to talk about this. And that's tricky because no matter what I say, I'm going to fill up my inbox with plenty of people who disagree with me.

See, this is one of those situations where the truth lands between two ideologies, so you can theoretically piss everybody off with one single opinion. Western imperialism and predatory foreign policy is a major factor in the growth and power of ISIS, and so is the fact that the Islamic faith is incredibly fucked up even compared to other faiths, and it makes no sense to examine one of these factors in isolation from the other. So let me just concede three things up front. First of all, all religions are bad, and all religions are capable of inspiring violence. You know, some people love to point out that this religion or that religion is the exception, but the one thing

that all those religions have in common is the fact that they're not the majority religion anywhere in the world, and they never have been. Hell, Christianity didn't inspire violence until it had power, so yes, Islam is not unique in its ability to inspire believers to violent action, I will freely admit that, but it would be a huge fucking coincidence if all the religions were equally able to inspire violence with the same ease, wouldn't it? I mean, wouldn't it stand to reason that one major world religion must necessarily be at the top of that category? So yes, you can use Buddhism to inspire violence. It's been done. It's being done right now.

But there are more steps between the generally accepted Buddhist doctrine and a violent one than there are in Islam. If you want to turn a docile, nonviolent population of Buddhists into ethnic cleansers, there are more steps along the way than there are with Muslims. Now, in practice, that only matters in the short term. I mean, once you traverse all those steps, you don't have to do it anew with every generation, because future generations are just going to grow up in a world where their cultural understanding of Buddhism always included ethnic cleansing. So the two relevant factors in the overall violence of a religion are, A, how violent the scripture or existing doctrine is, and B, what percentage of that religion's followers currently endorse a violent interpretation of those doctrines. And in both categories, Islam leads the way.

But don't start writing your angry emails yet because I'm not done conceding points to you yet. Let me also concede that the overwhelming majority of Muslims do not support ISIS or terrorism in general. I don't want to be too exculpatory because the average Muslim does support some shit that should and would make a secular person shudder, but it would also be insane to argue that Islam necessarily leads to violence or that the majority of Muslims interpret it in a violent way. You know, this is so nonsensical of a concession because I don't know anyone in the atheist movement that would argue with me on that point. But I feel the need to make it anyway. The only people who argue that the Islamic religion is necessarily violent are the Christian bigots that figure anybody worshiping the wrong Jesus has to be a savage.

But since so many people have invested so much effort in reducing Sam Harris's very nuanced view on the subject to the moral equivalent of blacks like to shoot people with guns, I feel the need to point that out regardless of its complete lack of support in the atheist movement. And finally, let me concede that there are strategic reasons, both domestically and geopolitically, to avoid throwing all of Islam under the bus in light of an Islamic terrorist attack. You know, I don't know that there's sufficient reasons, but there are definitely reasons. In the wake of a terrorist attack like this, there's an increase in hate crime against Muslims, and folks would look like Muslims, and no responsible person wants to add to that. And, of course, one doesn't want to reinforce the view abroad that the West is at war with Islam.

I mean, I think both of these reasons are radically overplayed in the media, but they are legitimate concerns. I mean, you know, whatever increase we see in American hate crime in the wake of this thing is probably going to pale in comparison to the next ISIS terrorist attack, wouldn't you think? is probably going to pale in comparison to the next ISIS terrorist attack, wouldn't you think? And as to the international view that we're at war with Islam, well, look, if you're saying that massive numbers of Muslims are one Obama quote away from joining ISIS, then you can't at the same time say that Islam isn't uniquely positioned to inspire grotesque violence, can you? Because even after conceding all of that, the efforts by the American government and media to absolve religion in general and and Islam in particular, from any blame at all for this, is dangerously misguided, not to mention bigoted. That's right, bigoted. It is bigoted to say that Islam isn't responsible for the violent rise of ISIS.

Ignoring the reasons that these people themselves are giving to justify their actions and replacing them with your own liberal values, that is a clear example of the exact kind of cultural bigotry that you're trying to avoid. I mean, of course, there are other factors involved, and I don't know of anyone who's arguing that there aren't. But to then ignore the clear and obvious religious motivation that is the single uniting factor among the entire fucking group is just your own Eurocentric prejudice telling you that all cultures ultimately share your values. Because look, not everybody who joins up with ISIS agrees on this political goal or that

geographic target, but they all believe in the strict implementation of Sharia law and the religious obligation to defend and expand the caliphate. That is an unavoidable fact. And yet I could point to dozens of articles and reports over the last week that try to explain the real motivations behind ISIS. And wouldn't you know it, they're just like us, darn it. They just want better jobs and economic opportunity. Hell, I saw one article that snuck good schools for their children

into a list of things the terrorists are really after. Excuse me, are you fucking high? You really think Boko Haram is after better schools? You think ISIS is after better jobs? How culturally insensitive do you have to be to say, well, I know they say it's religious stuff every time we talk to them, but what do they know? You know, I know they behave in a way that's consistent with a religious motivation, but they only think they're after the 72 versions and the glory of Allah. They're really after the shit that I care about, the shit that I understand.

Look, if you wanted to argue that Al-Qaeda wasn't really Islamic, you might have had an argument to make. if you wanted to argue that al-Qaeda wasn't really Islamic, you might have had an argument to make. It wouldn't exactly exonerate the people who left something as dangerous as religion lying around for terrorist groups to play with. And I don't know that I'd ultimately believe you, but you could probably make a halfway convincing argument that al-Qaeda is a geopolitical goal disguising itself as a religious entity to fill its quota of foot soldiers. But if anything, ISIS is a religious goal disguising itself as a geopolitical entity. This is an apocalyptic death cult whose actions are exactly in line with a literal reading of the Quran and the Hadith. The most disturbing shit they do, enslaving women and children, crucifying people in the streets, destroying irreplaceable antiquities. The truly barbaric shit that they're doing, that comes directly from their religious doctrine. And look, that's to be expected.

Of all the major world religions, theirs is the only one that was founded by a conqueror. If Julius Caesar or Genghis Khan started their own religions, those would be some fucked up religions. They'd be filled with barbaric shit about enslaving your captives and breaking all their nice shit and everything. Look, Muhammad told his followers to make sex slaves out of conquered women. He told his followers to publicly execute people in campaigns of terror. He told them to expand the borders of the Islamic nation. And again, yes, plenty of Muslims don't take those parts seriously, but anybody who elevates the rape children and crucify people book and says, hey, this is the perfect word of God should take some responsibility when people actually take them seriously, shouldn't they? Is it really a stretch to blame the pyramid for the height of

the capstone? And yet when you stand up and say, hey, you know what, even for a religion, this one is fucked up, you're shouted down as a racist. You're inundated with history lessons about colonialism and war profiteering. You're derided for not being equally or outraged about every single loss of human life in the world. You're buried under violent crime statistics from Indonesia. You're reminded of every act of Christian or secular terrorism that your interlocutor can think of. And even when you point out that none of that shit addresses the question of whether or not the Islamic religion is fucked up, even for a religion, you're written off as a bigot and an ideologue incapable of rational thought. Look, religion is a device for reinforcing

tribalism. That is religion's primary function. That's what it was evolved to do. That's what it does first and foremost. And one of the downsides of tribalism is that it tends to evoke violence against people outside of the tribe. So how can we exonerate the tribe and the tool that reinforces it when this inevitable consequence takes place? I mean, sure, if you blame Muslims for Islamic terrorism, but you don't blame Christians for Christian terrorism, yes, you're applying a double standard. But I hope you know that I wouldn't shy away for a second from pointing the blame on fucking Jesus if this was a bunch of suicide bombers for Christendom. And what's more, neither would most of the people who are going to send me angry emails

about this fucking diatribe. Most of the atheists that were posting memes about how few Muslims are terrorists wouldn't hesitate for a second to point the finger at Christianity if we swapped out the religions. In fact, I have never once gotten an email from an angry listener pointing out what a small percentage of Catholic priests were involved in the sex abuse cover-up. Somehow they all understand that even the people who weren't directly involved were still culpable simply because of the support they gave

and continue to give to the institution that perpetrated it, and yet they want a different standard when it comes to this other religion. Now look, again, any religion could be turned into this. You know, you give Christianity a few impoverished generations, and I have no doubt whatsoever that violent uprisings would start, and they'd use Christianity as their recruiting tool, the same way that Muslims have used Islam. And if you can imagine a Christian terrorist state built upon a literal reading of the Bible, it's probably every bit as terrifying as ISIS. They wouldn't crucify people, probably, but they'd be stoning gays and disobedient women. They'd be

murdering people for adultery. They'd be executing people for atheism. The society they would create might be equally terrifying just in different ways. But just because other religions could be used in this way doesn't mean we should overlook the fact that this one is being used in this way. And the way we talk about this informs the way we think about this, which informs the way we act about this. Obama's repeated bullshit assertions that the Islamic state is not Islamic are insane and damaging. What's more, some Christian son of a Muslim, which makes him an apostate in their eyes, lecturing Muslims about what is and isn't Islamic? That's probably no more endearing to the international Muslim community than admitting

the truth would be. After all, anyone familiar with the Quran has to know that the shit ISIS is doing is in there. I mean, most of them interpret it a different way, sure, but it's like arguing with Fred Phelps. You can interpret it a different way if you want, but according to the Bible, God does hate fags, and anybody who says, yeah, that's just not in the Bible, they're not going to make a very convincing argument if they're talking to somebody who's read the fucking thing. And right now, some people are asking, hey, Noah, why does this even matter? You know, I've actually gotten emails and shit asking, why does it matter if we call this Islamic extremism instead of just extremism? These people would never ask why being truthful would matter in some other circumstance. But for some reason, now all of a sudden,

I've got to justify specificity. Of fucking course it matters. How can you solve a problem if you're ignoring a large part of it? It's like we tell the theists, how can you answer a question honestly if one of the answers is forbidden? Look, I'm sympathetic to the urge to counter the prevailing bigotry, and we should be doing that. You know, I'm seeing the same stories you are about planes being diverted because a brown person was using a cell phone, but we should be countering it rationally and truthfully. The asshats who are saying we should close down all the mosques and stop taking in Syrian refugees and kill more people definitely need to be countered vociferously and unflinchingly.

But they need to be countered with fact, not obfuscation. They need to be countered with realistic admissions of where the guilt lies and propositions based on that starkly and unflinchingly considering all the factors and then presenting an answer other than kill all the people with the wrong Jesus. Because if we're not honest here, aren't we just conceding the conversation to the bigots? I mean, look, people are scared and they're looking to their leaders for answers. And if their leaders are standing further from the truth than the bigots, then they're going to hire bigots to lead them. You know, if one guy is saying, no, this isn't Islamic and Islamism has nothing to do with it. The real problem is that we're just not being nice enough to the Middle Eastern countries. And the other guy is saying, yes, the Islamic state is Islamic,

and we're going to deal with it by closing down all the mosques and only allowing in Christian refugees. Where does the average person fall? If nobody's being honest with them, are they going to go with the guy who has the solution wrong or the guy who has the problem wrong? But there's more to it than that, because look, if we're assigning blame, I think every religious person has at least some of this Parisian blood on their hands. Religions are like landmines waiting for a charismatic psychopath to just lead a group of followers across.

So the real culprit is anybody who lobbies to leave the landmines laying around, right? Anybody who defends the landmine because it's always been there, and it's pretty, and people write nice songs about it. Anybody who lobbies for laws that give it a special privileged place in our society anybody who defends the notion that faith is a virtue they're all liable to varying degrees and if we want to assign tears hey i'd say that christian extremists are more blameworthy than muslim moderates but that does absolutely nothing to exonerate the muslim faith look whether you like it or not and whether you admit it or not, we are at war with

a very particular interpretation of Islam. And by we, I mean those of us who share secular values, those of us who believe in gender equality, and democracy, and religious freedom, and separation of church and state, and science, and education. There is a well-armed group of people that do not share those values and

have declared war on our way of life. Just because George Bush said it doesn't make it untrue. And remember, it only takes one side to declare a war. And again, obviously, we're not at war with the religion as a whole, but the fundamentalists couldn't thrive unless millions of people were primed for them with claims that this disgustingly violent book is the perfect, unquestionable word of God. And all the people who are trying to pretend that this is a conventional war or that we can overlook the Islamic part and still win the fight or that we're not at war at all

are engaged in a unilateral disarmament of reason. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a guy who's been patiently awaiting his turn to speak for way too long. Heath Enright. Heath, is there anything you'd like to add to the discussion of the recent terrorist attacks in Paris? Yes, there is.

And I think I speak for the majority of Americans when I say this. We would be more than happy to send Donald Trump over to France so we can build a wall of bacon along the national border. I mean, my word. He's not busy with anything important over here right now it just seems like yeah i mean we imagine a line hell yeah no i i can think of a democratic presidential contender or two that would disagree that he's not doing anything important but the hijacking the party thing exactly exactly but i digress in our lead story tonight utah juvenile court judge scott johansson has no idea what y'all are talking about with them lesbians and that adoption and shit. He's been over there playing Fallout the whole time.

New black ops. Yeah, exactly. This newfound ignorance came in response to public scrutiny of his order last week to remove a foster child from the lesbian couple it was with because they were a lesbian couple. According to the court order, he has seen research proving that kids do better with straight parents than gay ones. But that part of it. Well, that part of the court order was crossed out a couple of days later when this shit hit the media. So clearly it never happened. And he never said that.

Interestingly enough, though, the part where he ordered the child removed from the couple wasn't crossed out. It was just the justification that he used. Consider that for a second this guy's new position is i'm taking away a child from their loving foster parents for no reason right i mean think about where you need to start for this to be an improvement to your original are you serious exactly now to be clear there is no credible evidence that suggests that children are better off being raised by straight parents. A lot of fundies like to tout a lot of debunked bullshit that makes that claim and then just call it evidence,

but it's the kind of shit that would make William Lane Craig blush, like that study that Dobson likes to pull out that compares kids raised by a single gay parent to kids raised by two straight parents. It's that kind of shit. gay parent to kids raised by two straight parents. It's that kind of shit. The actual research shows that the absolute best choice of parents possible for foster children are lesbian couples. Lesbian homes have the lowest likelihood of abuse, which is obviously one of the chief concerns when placing foster children.

So if this asshole judge was actually concerned with the evidence, he'd be removing kids from heterosexual homes and giving them to lesbians, which, by the way, would also be illegal. removing kids from heterosexual homes and giving them to lesbians, which, by the way, would also be illegal. I think it's time to make a new law against biological parents completely. They don't get to keep their kids at all. I mean, foster parents are statistically much more willing to be parents. Yeah, no, true, if we're going by the evidence. Now, despite support from the child's biological mother,

Utah's Division of Child and Family Services, and the kids' court-appointed representative, the judge still hasn't signed off on the adoption and instead set a final hearing for December 4th where I guess they'll hash out all the pertinent questions like whether lesbians can raise kids you know what percent of your brain you actually use and whether jet fuel really burns that hot but even Utah's governor admitted he was quote a little puzzled in quote by the judge's actions what with them being against the law and all. So fingers crossed for Utah couple Becky Pierce and April Hoagland, as well as the baby who still might be denied a loving home because this judge is a petrified shit chip.

Further bulletins as events warrant, and I'm sure they will. And in commotive operation news tonight, during a recent episode of his family talk radio show, religious rights spokesbigot James Dobson warned about the pitfalls of transgender equality. And if you're wondering, will feces be involved in his analysis? Yes, they will. I was. They will. Specifically, he pointed out the slippery slope that starts with allowing school children to use the bathroom facility that corresponds to their gender identity. And this, of course, inevitably leads to innocent girls starring in non-consensual shit porn.

Does it? It does, apparently. Would you like to hear an explanation of what the fuck he's talking about? I would, but I got to be honest. I'm still stuck on the proximity of feces and slippery slopes in your intro there i mean it i just can't help but think if like you and i got to design the obstacle course at the end of double dare but yeah now that you mention it what the fuck is he talking about all right so dobson explained that he just read about a recent example of this problem in which transgender rights legislation led to a school

policy allowing an entire football team of boys to enter the girl's bathroom and take pictures of a girl taking a shit over the top of her stall no idea now perhaps you're thinking to yourself that's crazy girls don't take shits well it turns it turns out they do. Turns out they do. I was surprised myself. Turns out they do. And because photographic evidence of this phenomenon is so rare, this genre of porn has a very high demand similar to the lesbian Sasquatch squirter category.

I have a subscription to that one. It all makes sense. I love how Dobson just accidentally admitted that he likes to watch a lot of understall stuff, though. But he also referred to pictures of some girl taking a shit as selfies so at least part of his story is factually inaccurate i can say that at least that detail we should really question so bottom line james dobson finds transgender people to be disgusting and that's why he's done so much research on their bathroom habits sure yes and based on this extensive investigation he's quite certain that if transgender students

have equal rights then everyone needs to be allowed to film people shitting at all times there does not exist any middle ground on this no I mean, does that mean that it's okay for other girls to film girls shitting now against their will? God damn it. These people are stupid. And in Sin Loser Draw news tonight, a California middle school

multiplied moronic by idiotic last week and came up with bat shit. Bat shit. I was going to say bat shit. Yep. No, you got it. You got it. You knew your tables.

This is the story of an impossibly stupid history assignment that was somehow followed up by an even stupider mea culpa. So let's start with the assignment itself. Group of seventh graders were given a worksheet about the rise of Islam that included a section where the students were told to draw pictures for various words associated with Islam. Words like Mecca, Quran, and you guessed it muhammad now personally i would have gone mc escher style with it you know you draw the hand drawing muhammad who's proceeding to

slice off that hand with a large sword nice okay yeah yeah i like that that would have been high marks i'm sure okay so this is clearly stupid on a lot of levels first of all what the fuck kind of history assignment is draw the word for seventh graders what knowledge is being tested here but far more importantly look i'm a big fan of drawing muhammadi i put little pictures of them next to my signature on credit card receipts and shit but telling children to commit muslim blasphemy as a school assignment? That's a bit much, even for me. However, it's still not as stupid as the response from Superintendent Brett Woodward, who sent out a text directing all the staff to, quote, completely suspend the practice of drawing or depiction, sick of any religious leader, end quote.

Well, I mean, that just seems risky, doesn't it? I mean, you know, just to be safe, they should probably get rid of all the pencils and paper at the school. You might as well chop all the kids hands off like in my picture. You got to be safe. So, look, I'm sure that religious leader drawing class was a really popular elective before this new fucking policy. And all those kids are going to be bummed. But hiding in this overreaction is a potential legitimate issue. Because, because look if i'm a kid in that school and they make that announcement you can bet your ass i'm drawing muhammad and jesus and buddha every chance i get and i'm

daring them to stop me of course now the real silver lining here though is that if this ends with a christian kid getting suspended for drawing a picture of jesus that little bacon fat embolism and josh fierstein's forehead is going to finally pop. It might all be worthwhile in the end. Silver lining, right. And in Morningstar Spangled Banner news tonight, we have a follow up from last week's story about lunatic pastor Kevin Swanson and his National Religious Liberties Conference. Oh, good.

Our discussion of the event focused heavily last week on the gay genocide strategy meeting part, which forced us to skip over the comparatively innocuous stuff like the speech about demonic cartoon lesbians, their satanic anthems, and their negative effect on society. society but now that we've got a bit more time available it seems like it would be you know almost irresponsible of us to ignore the topic altogether so let's talk about it demonic cartoon lesbians and their anthems your thoughts noah that i'm amazed that we have a better story for 30 seconds than this one but we do yeah we, yeah. So Swanson actually started talking about this back in 2014 when he stated publicly that the Disney movie Frozen was being used by Satan

as a means of turning his then five-year-old daughter into a lesbian, which is obviously ridiculous. I mean, based on my personal experience, I'm guessing it was a simple matter of those kindergarten boys being unable to satisfy her sexually obviously nonetheless swanson's been thinking about this for a while now and he decided the hate conference needed a session dedicated to this exact issue and that's why jeff botkin was on the docket to deliver a speech entitled, you ready? It's going to take a second. The decline of freedom, colon, from the Bill of Rights to the 10 planks of communism, America's domestic enemies and where they come from. Pithy. And I guess we already spoiled it. You know, they come from demonic cartoon lesbians and their satanic songs

obviously yeah i think i think everybody would have guessed that even if we hadn't spoiled it but you know i'm surprised that there aren't more demonic cartoon lesbians when you think about it because most of the demonic cartoon dudes that i've seen have you know like at least half a dozen giant penises that break through walls and shit you'd think that lesbian would just be really the only way to go in that environment. So according to this guy, Jeff Botkin, the hit song Let It Go is, quote, Satan's rebellion anthem, adding that the lyrics deliver a dangerous message about uppity women seeking freedom, which inevitably fucks up the perfection of

humanity, just like even that serpent. Yes, of course. So to paraphrase his thesis, bitches be eating fruit and getting knowledge. And that's a big problem. Again, doesn't quite rival the sodomite extermination procedural forum. No. You know, in terms of journalistic relevance. But very few things do.

Well, and also, if you ever want to take kevin swanson out once and for all play him the make him go version of that song that sarah recorded for us on episode 101 yeah fucking gold and then why do you call her a virgin if jesus had siblings news tonight the virgin mary has joined the likes of waldo and carmen san diego this week with a recent national geographic story about all the various places on the globe that she's been spotted included in the story was a color-coded map that contained possible sightings ranging from blue for just some schlump who burned his toes to red for locations where the vatican or local bishops have quote a high degree of certainty end quote that she actually did manifest supernaturally. All right.

Well, I mean, I get what they're trying to do, but rape victims are notoriously difficult to locate after the fact. Sad but true. Sad but true. Not sure anybody's an asshole. Building the case, though. It's a cold case, but they're building it. According to the caption on the graphic, the Roman Catholic Church has a quote strict vetting process for miracles end quote and this apparently includes a bunch

of old men that have never used their dicks properly arguing and then agreeing eventually that that was some weird shit and making sure it didn't contradict with the existing bullshit and uh this process is a one summed up by nat, quote, being deemed miraculous with a high degree of certainty. By the way, based on the map, it looks like Mary does her missionary work undercover when traveling to Muslim countries. Huh. Probably still shows up in pancakes and shit over there, but with her face blurred out or her voice changed and shit. Yeah, she's never been spotted in majority Muslim countries. She's sneaky.

She wears a hijab there. That's probably it. Makes so much more sense. Now, the graphic, by the way, comes from a website called miraclehunter.com, which hopes to one day upgrade its URL to miraclefinder.com, but can't because lying is a sin. In keeping with the tradition of like Bigfoot hunters, monster hunters and ghost hunters, his methodology largely consists of taking crazy people seriously and then repeatedly lowering his standards of evidence the story also highlights other insane people who are obsessed with a probably fictional character that plays virtually no role in the new testament beyond getting god raped in the opening chapter among the many dubious claims of mary's supernatural appearances are a frightening number of people who notice that when they stare into the sun

weird shit happens in their eyeballs which they they attribute to Jesus's ghost mommy. Because religion is just insanity with an agreed upon set of rules. And while I embroider that last sentence on a pillow for Stephen Colbert, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun

this week in massage i'm trying really hard not to be too one-dimensional in this segment i really am but a lot of weeks there aren't very many stories about stephen anderson or andrea tentora saying dumb shit about making sandwiches and how much fun cooking can be. And at the same time, I don't know that I've ever seen a news cycle that didn't include half a dozen stories about evangelical Republicans trying to shut down women's clinics. So in an effort to strike a balance, we'll start with Pat Robertson muttering something stupid and sexist, and then we'll talk about Jesus versus Planned Parenthood. Now, this latest addition

to the Anal P. Roeb's Greatest Hits album came in the form of a new theodicy of his own design, which I call the uppity bitch apologetic. It all started when a listener pointed out that a loving God probably wouldn't have murdered her friend with cancer. Basically, he reminded her that she may have been friends with this woman, but she didn't know her like God knew her. And if she were able to see the big picture, maybe she'd realize that her friend probably deserved cancer. After all, as he actually said when listing examples of things that would justify God's tumors of retribution, she might have secretly been an atheist,

or even worse, she might have secretly hated her husband. He closed by reminding his viewer that God did answer her prayers. He just said no. All right, now on to the zygote liberation front. Turns out yet another in-depth Republican witch hunt against Planned Parenthood has come up empty-handed, this time in Washington state. After four months of pissing away taxpayer money to learn that water is still wet, the state's attorney general announced there is no evidence whatsoever that all the urban legend bullshit that they were investigating was true.

This all stems from that series of doctored videos that tried to make it look like Planned Parenthood was selling aborted fetuses to Chinese restaurants at profit or whatever. And like every single investigation they've prompted, this one showed once again that no, Ghostbusters wasn't a documentary, The Onion is not a reliable news source, and the videos weren't legitimate. And look, I'd love to close on something a little more lighthearted, but when your subject matter is misogyny, that's not always possible. So I also want to mention a study out of Texas that reminds us why all this Planned Parenthood scaremongering matters. According to a study by Texas Policy Evaluation Project, over the last five years, as many as 240,000 women in that state have self-induced abortions because of the insane barriers Texas has placed between women and their reproductive autonomy. Methods these women used ranged from homeopathic remedies, read magic potions, to convincing somebody to punch them in the stomach.

And no surprise, the women most likely to have resorted to this kind of shit are also the ones furthest away from the state's 18 remaining abortion clinics, a number that will be reduced to 10 or fewer if Texas Supreme Court doesn't reverse the insane provision that requires every abortion clinic to be fully equipped to perform open-heart surgery and rebuild Steve Austin. But I digress. Mostly because if I let myself go off on this subject, I'm going to make this week's diatribe look like a teaser trailer. So with a bit of effort, I'll close it off right there and hand things back over to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in putting the ham back in sham news tonight, the latest in an ever-receding opening date for Ken Ham's Ark Park was unveiled last week. The theme park for biblical literalists is now slated to reschedule its opening on or before July 7th of next year, or actually open this time, one or the other. The park will, of course, feature a life-size replica of Noah's Ark that won't fit all the animals the biblical one would have needed to fit, or float on even calm waters, or stand up to a flood, or be built of materials available in Noah's time, or be built by a 900-year-old guy and his kids,

or be built as quickly as the Bible said that Noah built it, all in an effort to prove that the Bible is accurate. All right, but to be fair, though, Noah was working with some highly advanced lizard alien technology back then that just isn't available right right yeah reason but but on the other hand an actual amish wolverine would have done a much better job than ken ham in my i mean well with their all their knowledge of joinery and berserker attack that kind of stuff well also in the fact that there is no like doing a worse job than ken ham that would favor the

wolverine as well, according to the numbers in Ken Ham's ass, the park will draw almost one and a half million attendees a year, accommodate 16,000 guests a day, and he also boasts it'll be one of the largest

Christian attractions in the world. And he especially likes to point those kind of things out when people ask him how the fucking thing is getting financed. Right.

Now, look, to be honest, I'd need another 15-minute diatribe and the help of a tax lawyer to to explain all the crazy illegal shit he's doing to divert public money to this thing but needless to say the fact that the state has already pulled funding from this project over its discriminatory hiring practice hasn't stopped amish wolverine from sticking kentucky residents with plenty of the bill yeah so i guess i'm glad kent Kentucky doesn't tolerate employment discrimination in this case, but that's like reason number 300 why you shouldn't spend tax revenue on a non-functional log cabin yacht so it can sit there in the middle of a landlocked state.

I mean, it's like, go after Ken Ham for refusing to hire non-Christians is like, it's like busting Michael Vick for jaywalking on his way to the kennel. It's your prioritiesusting Michael Vick for jaywalking on his way to the kennel. Priorities. Right. Jesus. So now if you recall, last year Ham lost almost $19 million in tax incentives when it became impossible to keep pretending that the Bible Park wasn't overtly religious in nature. Specifically, reporting by the intrepid Dan Arrow revealed that the park

was forcing potential employees to pledge their soul to Jesus, which is only legal if you're a church or religious organization, which means that you can't have the kind of public dollars a secular theme park gets. I mean, you get all kind of other tax benefits, sure. But in this unusual circumstance, it was more profitable to argue on the other side of the church-state divide, so that's exactly what Ham did, as long as he could get away with it. Yeah, that actually happened. He tried to argue that when a state refuses to subsidize a Christian theme park, they're

violating the First Amendment by establishing all the other religions plus atheism. Right. Kentucky actually considered that argument for a while. They did. Yeah, yeah. Spent some taxpayer money thinking about that, too. So then you fast forward to today and Ham's folks have found some new way i guess of exploiting some new tax loopholes and pitting impoverished kentucky towns that would sell their babies into slavery for some job creation and make this happen

anyway the end result is 62 million dollars of this park's price tag being paid for through deferred property taxes which means that if this park folds sometime in the next 30 years, the good folks of Williamstown, Kentucky get to pay all the money back themselves. And in one cling to rule them all news tonight, GOP state representative and guy whose compacted face appears to have been badly photoshopped onto an oversized head, Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Dr. Chaps of Colorado's 15th district demonstrated his deep understanding of science earlier this month during his pray in Jesus name, sick television show.

In one instance, he explained how a hurricane from 2006 was a political endorsement from God. And in another, he described how scientists can find evidence for God by believing they already found evidence for God, at which point the evidence for God appears. So it's fascinating stuff. You know, I have to wonder, between him and Ted Cruz, whose face do you think takes up a smaller percentage of their head?

Because, I mean, a low a low face to head ratio seems to appeal to conservative voters we might have found a might have found a veep for teddy there so let's start with the violent storm indicating a nod of approval from god sure according to go clings on the very same day he was court-martialed by the Navy in September of 2006 for violating the First Amendment, Hurricane Gordon reached its peak intensity near the Azor Islands, which is nowhere near here, and eventually injured five people. And if that doesn't convince you, let's not forget his name is also Gordon's. Un-fucking-canny

or as Klingenschmitt put it quote glory to God hallelujah God is doing signs and wonders in the heavens unquote sick that only he can read just like in a beautiful mind

well look I don't mean to brag here but they named the whole fucking department that tracks and names hurricanes after my ass okay so god must endorse the fuck out of this show he's endorsing this show every year from about you know end of august all the way through january and now uh let's move on to his technique for finding evidence for god oh we're done with that one huh that was that was all the evidence he had to give on the storm. This is going to be nice and science-y. Get ready.

Currently, he heard Richard Dawkins explain how atheists are infinitely more reasonable as a group because all it takes to convince us to change our mind is evidence. And here's the response to that from Klingenschmitt. Quote, I can give you evidence of god in fact i'll show you god step a you ready step a you repent step b you believe step c you invite jesus to come into your heart as lord and savior follow that scientific method. Scientific method. And I guarantee you will see Jesus Christ. End quote. And I can't stress this enough. This is an elected fucking official with actual political power.

Colorado 15. What the fuck is wrong with you people? What are you doing over there? D up. It's not like this shit wasn't available for you to see before the election. It's not like he started this crazy shit after coming out of nowhere. He was already a regular on this show when you guys elected his ass. And in KT Boundary news tonight, Monster Energy drink ladies snuck back into the news by verbally abusing an old dude last week.

Christine White earned internet fame for her explanation of how Satan sneaks into your home through highly caffeinated sugar water cans, then followed it up by interrupting a peaceful Muslim gathering to remind them that they picked the wrong Jesus and are thereby hellbound. And I guess feeling that Heath and I have been ignoring her too long, she rekindled her internet fame by haranguing Katy Perry's dad for failing to raise a less Satan-y daughter. Okay, well, just because Kim Jong-un likes that song firework doesn't mean katie perry's eva i don't care what religion you are that's just a great song that's just

no quality pop music isn't now look if you're as big a katie perry fan as me you'll know her as the chick that does that one song and fucks up one out every 49 superbowl halftime shows on the average but apparently once upon a time she was a gospel singer and also her dad's a preacher, which makes him worthy of Christine Wyke's furious rebuke, apparently. So when she heard he was going to be interviewed on a local Christian radio station, she grabbed her camera and set off to do the Lord's work. So was it successful?

Will Mr. Perry be forcing Katie to write gospel songs from now on? Inconclusive, actually. But it was a fun interaction, nonetheless. Okay, it starts off like this. When she finally gets the guy cornered, she opens up by yelling across the room, You're the daughter of Katie Perry. So right away she's off script. That's why you don't improvise.

Right, right. Well, she saved it, though. Here's her follow-up. Quote, Do you know she's one of the most wicked people she is a satanic woman who has led millions to hell end quote she then went on to brag about how the she had entirely disowned her son for not believing in jesus right but by far the worst thing she said came when she started screaming about katie perry's song et wherein she accused perry of quote having sex with a demon on the video i'm sorry with a demons on the video end quote which unfortunately i didn't learn was untrue until i'd gotten my dick all lotioned up for nothing that fucking bitch and that's a weird video to try to jerk off to i don't know if you've

seen this fucking video but man it's some weird shit i'm afraid i'm gonna like splooge out a fucking octopus at the end of that thing no saying there's no reason you can't finish regardless well i did i mean but it was creepy it was weird and finally tonight from the gospel john file according to a series of reports recently leaked from a whistleblower within the vatic the religious officials in charge of the Catholic Church's finances have been using several of the properties they own in Rome as dens of prostitution. And just to be clear, they mean in addition to the Vatican itself. Oh, figuratively and literally.

So the good news, though, there's nothing to suggest little kids being involved this time, which is actually... Hey! Well, I guess other than my instinctual assumption based on shit loads of depressing historical evidence but but other than common sense nothing to directly indicate more pedophile stuff which is a big step forward for these people in fact i'd like to applaud the vatican on their apparently adult oriented whorehouses that's well good work. Yeah, absolutely. Well done, guys. Prostitution is amoral, which makes it the most meritorious thing you've ever done in your 2,000-year history. So well done, guys. Well done.

Cigars all around. This latest revelation comes on the heels, no pun intended, of a scandal from two years ago that suggested the Vatican was involved in the ownership and operation of Europe's largest gay sauna, called the Europa Multi Club, which was frequented by many Italian priests. Side note, that means there's a gay sauna outside of Europe that's even larger. I'm guessing Texas. Oh, yeah.

Anyway. Here we are talking about Catholicism HQ and their collection of massage parlors, bathhouses, and brothels, which of course means we'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Names and slogans for the Vatican's expanding chain of whorehouse locations. Go. Of course. All right. How about bad habits?

Who needs nuns on a bus when you can bust on a nun? Am I right? How about Greek Orthodox? Catholic are in the front, Pope-er in the rectory. I was sure you were going to say Pope-er in the pooper.

How about Madame and Eve's ecclesiastical courtesans? Well done. Ray habitats for humanity. There we go. What about barely illegal

John 316 year olds. Get the fourth one free. Yeah, exactly. Usual order. Got it. How about Pope Francie ladies? Infallible? Yes.

Infallible? Not so much. What about the penis miter? Choking the bishop? Happy ending service. We had to get there eventually. Maybe Gropus Day? Something's going to get there eventually yeah um maybe gropus day something's gonna get whipped up on their backs anyway i don't know it's gonna be flagellation but something

it's gonna be creamy there yes sir about uh the holy seeds jism schism where catholicize matters well yeah but by their standard one equals three so you're allowed to triple the inches all right how about the holy pentahook? Genitals, sexodus, laclitoris, youngsters, and cooteronomy. All right. I got one more. What about requiem for a cream in A minor? Cream of nocta.

I'm done. That's Latin for burst white, by the way. So now that we've fulfilled this week's educational requirements, I guess we can close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji! And when we come back, we'll have missed you. We won't say it, but you'll know. If you didn't notice the pattern when we premiered our

How Bullshit Is It? segment with acupuncture, then did Bigfoot and chiropractic, I understand. And if you continued not to notice the pattern when we followed that up with dousing, then exorcism, then facilitated communication, then graphology, I can't blame you. I mean, you know, we only do these segments once a month or so, so you'd have to be paying pretty close attention to realize that we were doing our bullshit alphabetically. But if you did notice the pattern, it should come as no surprise to you that I'm really excited to finally get to H so that we can put homeopathy on the chopping block and ask,

How bullshit is it? So Heath, tell us, what is homeopathy? Well. Shit, I lost you again, I think. Skype fucking up again or no no no i was just giving you a homeopathic definition oh i see i see now that joke would have been way funnier after we explain what homeopathy is but kudos nonetheless so setting aside the like typical sarcastic editorial what would the undiluted version of that definition be? So it's an alternative medicine practice where disease is treated by introducing minute traces of a remedy that would cause the same symptoms the patient has if administered in a much larger dose.

It comes from the Greek homeo, meaning similar, and pathos, or suffering. And also it's laughably ridiculous from start to finish. You almost made it through without the editorial there. Almost. It was a good effort. It was a good effort. I've had to bite my tongue off at the root. Yeah, not surprised.

So tell us, where does homeopathy come from? Well, it was first invented by Samuel Hahnemann back in 1796. And unlike all the other stuff discovered in 1796, apparently this was perfect right away, which is why it hasn't changed in any significant way for 219 years. It's based on two precepts. The first is that like cures like, and the second is that dilution increases potency,

which was apparently added so that the first precept would seem less stupid by comparison. Okay. Slightly, maybe. So let's break them down one at a time. What does it mean that like cures like? Well, according to Hahnemann, a substance that causes a particular symptom in a healthy person would cure the same symptom in a sick person. Where the fuck did he get that idea? It's the same place all legitimate medical knowledge comes from.

It would be a spiritual revelation. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's the same basic principle behind sympathetic magic. So think of it as the medicinal equivalent of stabbing a pretend buffalo to bring you luck in the next day's buffalo hunt. Sounds sophisticated. So did Hahnemann test his theory on sick people to see if it would work, perhaps? Well, he experimented, but not on sick people. The whole concept is that you have to use the stuff that would cause symptom X in a healthy person.

So he just ground shit up and gave it to healthy people and then asked them what symptoms it gave them. Fucking what? Yeah. He would just give shit to people and if it made them cough, he would give that substance to people who were coughing. And that was enough to call it a medical treatment back then? It was more than enough. Of course, homeopaths have had ample opportunity to conduct empirical tests in the two centuries since. Okay, so how did those studies turn out? Well, I just said they had the chance. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. All right, so tell us about this second precept. You said dilution increases potency?

Yeah, because water has memory. You just justified a kind of insane thing with a really insane thing. Yeah, get used to that. That's going to be a recurring theme throughout this whole bit. Okay, so how does that work exactly? Less is more? Yeah, that's pretty much it. You've got to be kidding me.

Yet I am not. In homeopathy, the dilution is referred to in C for every time it goes through a 1-100th dilution. So a typical homeopathic remedy might be 30C, but a really potent one might be 200C or even more. Okay, wait, so one times 10 to the negative 20,000th of the original ingredient? Really? Yes. Clearly a byproduct of the average person's complete inability to comprehend exponents. At 200 C, in order to get a single molecule of the original ingredient, on the average, you'd have to consume pills with a mass equivalent to about 6 billion Earths. Right, okay, so you just put a drop of water in a vat of water, take a drop from that, put it in another vat of water, and so on?

Well, pretty much, but you have to shake it around also so that all the H2s can get to know all the Os and swap stories and shit. That's very important. This process is actually called succession because Hahnemann's original term, dynamization, started sounding like bullshit even to them. Okay, well, now I'm sure if a homeopath was talking about this, they wouldn't tell me that the molecules were telling each other stories. So what is their explanation of how this succession process works? They would tell you it releases immaterial and spiritual powers that disperse through all the water when you shake it.

Okay, no, that's not uh better no also they never really address how they give the water amnesia from all the you know hooker corpses and monkey shit it's been in contact with before they put the magical homeopathic stuff in it yeah no that's a that's a pretty good question actually yeah i mean if their precept was right all water would have the memory of all substances at this point yeah like nine billion c so it would be so powerful you couldn't even look at it without shading your eyes okay so with that level of bat shittery how did this shit ever catch on to begin with well the fact that homeopathy exists is not a mystery. You're doing nothing.

And when you compare that to the standard medical practices of 1796, it's probably the best thing going. Right. What's in need of explanation is why homeopathy still exists when there's real medicine now that works. Okay, so why does homeopathy still exist when there's real medicine now that works. Okay, so why does homeopathy still exist when there's real medicine now that works? Because way too many people don't know how evidence works. For example, they take a pill, they feel better or fail to feel worse. So they say, man, that that airborne really did the trick on that airplane trip. Now that, combined with effective lobbying for exemptions from real medical regulations, has kept homeopathy safe and thriving for generations now.

Oh, okay. So, but, you know, how sure are we exactly that homeopathy doesn't work? I mean, how rigorous is the science? Well, James Randi used to do a bit on stage where he'd eat homeopathic sleeping pills by the fistful at the beginning of his lecture. And yeah, he never died of an overdose, never even got tired. Okay. I mean, he could have just developed a tolerance to him like Wesley and Iocane powder. I would prefer some genuine evidence. As you wish. But keep in mind, some concepts are so implausible that you don't really need mountains of clinical data to dismiss them. And I'd say homeopathy falls firmly into that category.

That being said, there are mountains of clinical data if you really want to go through them. And none but the least rigorous show any hint whatsoever that homeopathy is effective for anything or could be effective for anything or is even a sane thing to entertain conceptually even slightly and if that's not enough to convince you they're full of shit a quick glance at a list of homeopathic ingredients should be more than enough to finish the job okay such as well according to the school of homeopathy, which is a thing, a homeopathic dilution of dead badger on the side of the road will help you with impotence. That'll make you hard. You made that up.

If I made it up, somebody would be fucking that dead badger. Sorry. Okay, no, yeah, right. Okay, all right. You're right. A homeopathic dilution of a shipwreck might be used to cure stress brought on by a long commute. A dilution of brick from the Berlin Wall can cure asthma or a crushing feeling on the chest also. What?

And this one might be my favorite. You can cure confusion with the dilution of excrementum vaccinium which is that would be bullshit i should have guessed yes you should have well okay i mean sure this is as silly as any of the bullshit we've talked about before but at least it's inert so i i mean i suppose it ranks a lot lower on the harm spectrum than a lot of the bullshit that we've highlighted before right yes and no yes and no the end result of homeopathy and the way we regulate it or fail to is that there's a niche carved out for anybody who wants to call something medicine and sell it to consumers. Many drugstores put homeopathic snake oil right there next to the real medicine.

I mean, but shouldn't the word homeopathic on the package be a dead giveaway? It should. But unfortunately, most people think that just means all natural or they think it's a synonym for holistic or something like that. And even more unfortunately, most people think things like all natural and holistic are good things to have in a medicine. Right. And if it's unregulated,

we're just taking their word that there's no active drugs in there. Well, I mean, why would there be? Because homeopathy doesn't actually work. But if you stick an active drug in an unregulated bottle and call it homeopathic, people are more likely to get a positive effect because of the real thing in it.

So you can sell aspirin without all the hassle of carefully regulating dosage and purity and not killing people. Oh, wow. Does that happen? Of course it does. It's an unregulated medicinal market. Why would something like that not be taken advantage of? Okay. No, yeah, that's a great point, and that's really bad. But, I mean, that could be ameliorated by regulating homeopathic remedies, couldn't it? If we wanted to piss away public resources making sure they were really shaking the brick magic into the water, yeah. But look, telling somebody they're receiving medicine when they're not is never harmless.

ever harmless. Even if homeopathy was regulated to perfection, it's still going to cause harm when a kid with asthma takes diluted Berlin Wall memory water instead of her inhaler. No, okay, yeah, good point. I guess now I'm all depressed. Well, the silver lining on all this is that homeopathy is one of the easiest pseudosciences to counter. I mean, it's such patent bullshit that just explaining what the word means is usually enough to dissuade somebody from using it or buying it. So in this case, knowing might just be all of the battle. I knew G.I. Joe were a bunch of untrustworthy white supremacists. So what about the people who are too stupid to give up on it even after you explain what it is?

Is there anything we can do for them? Well, I think astronomer and generally awesome hominid Phil Plait may have summed it up for those folks as well. Quote, if homeopathy works, then obviously the less you use it, the stronger it gets. So the best way to apply homeopathy is to not use it at all. End quote. That's the strongest. Well said, Phil. All right, well, I guess the only question left to answer is

How bullshit is it? All right, well, this is the kind of bullshit that other bullshit looks at and says, Oh, gross, I almost stepped in that. That is awful. This is the thing astrologers and naturopaths laugh at. This is Kevin Swanson's gay wedding wardrobe. Well done, sir.

Smeared all over. Well, I guess we can't make it any clearer than that. So Heath, thanks once again for lending us your bovine fecal expertise. Anytime. Before we flip down the kickstand tonight, I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Jeff McLeod from Autism Heroes. Looks like his Kickstarter was a resounding success. So if you're hoping for a chance to pick up some awesome autism superhero t-shirts, it looks like that's going to happen for you. I'll try to keep it posted and let you know when he's up and running

also wanted to mention that chris matheson's book the story of god which was featured on episode 134 is now available on audiobook read by the author so if you're holding out for the audio version be sure to check the show notes for this episode for an opportunity to pick that one up oh speaking of which i fucked up when i tried to post last week's show notes so if you were looking for the links to my recent appearance on the Imaginary Friends show or for Callie's show, I'm really sorry about that. I'll include them in this week's show notes, assuming that I don't fuck those ones up too. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you today,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of the Godawful Movies podcast, which will be available a full 48 hours earlier. You can also find Bonus Nuggets of Scatheism by following us on Twitter and or liking us on Facebook. Obviously, I can't call it a show until I thank Heath for reaching across hundreds of miles to once again add his unique flavor of brilliant scatology to this week's proceedings. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for her wit, wisdom, and willingness to occasionally try kinky shit.

I also want to thank Ari, the Israeli Jewish atheist geek from Barcelona, for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, complete with that sexy Barcelona lisp at the end. Loved it. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Matt, Lee, Debra, Dave, Joshua, other Joshua, other Matt, Joseph, Eric, and other Dave. Matt, Lee, Debra, and Dave were so cool, they glaciate. Joshua, other Joshua, and other Matt,

whose orgasms have caused major geological formations, and Joseph, Eric, and other Dave, whose erections are so massive, you'd need a Sherpa if you wanted to give them a handjob. Together, these ten terrifically talented and tremendously titillating Terrans have tamed the tumultuous tempest of traumatic tension that transfuses our tasks by giving us money. Not everybody has the superior intellect and genitals it takes to give us money, but if your brain and junk are up for the challenge,

you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but not enough to part with your hard-earned money, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or whatever, and by telling all your godless friends about the show, especially the ones who see the expansive jocular potential in puppy rape commentary. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. No outtake this week. I guess we didn't fuck anything up.